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♪♪

♪ I'’m flying high
in the Christmas sky ♪

♪ Headed home to you ♪

♪ When the winter wind ♪

PAM: If there'’s anything
in the world

that challenges my concept
of "perfectly normal,"

it'’s Christmas,

that one time of year
our society decides

it'’s okay to pretend
a fat man in a red suit

comes down our chimneys
to give us presents,

and that tinsel
is acceptable home decor.

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

And it just so happens
that my humble tale begins

during that
oh, so festive time of year.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Ma, is everything okay?

Well, your father wants
turkey this year.

What?

You know how we always
have the Christmas ham?

Well, for some reason,
he'’s decided in his mind

that we should have
turkey this year.

- It'’s fine, Ma.
- I was really hoping

you would be with me
on this one, sweetheart.

Of course I'’m with you.

I'’m just saying that
if Dad wants turkey,

I'’m fine either way.

I'’ll be there just like
every Christmas before.

So should we set
an extra place

for someone you might
bring with you this year?

Just me, Mom.
Is there anything else?

I'’m in the middle
of a deadline.

For your book?

Not for my book.
For my job.

How about I give you
a call back later,

and we'’ll discuss this turkey
or ham crisis together, okay?

I'’m sorry to bother you.

I know it'’s not for
a couple of more weeks,

but we'’re so looking forward
to seeing you for Christmas.

Me too, Mom, me too.

Feel free to bring someone.

Goodbye, Mother.

Ten more days
till Christmas, Pam!

I don'’t have time to talk, Toby.

I'’m trying to finish up
this article.

Do you want a reindeer cupcake?

I just baked a new batch
last night.

No, thanks.

It'’ll get you
in the Christmas mood.

I don'’t have time for Christmas
just yet, okay?

- [thump]
- Did I just hear somebody say

they baked a new batch
of reindeer cupcakes?

- I sure did!
- Ooh, gimme!

A merry 12 more days
before Christmas, Louise.

Back at ya, Toby!

[laughing]

Ho ho ho.

- [phone ringing]
- What now, Ma?

Okay.

♪♪

I like Toby, I do, but I am
trying to get my story in,

and between
his cupcake interruptions

and antler distractions,

I can barely string
a sentence together.

You deserve better
than that, Pam.

But I'’m not the one who
hires the office assistants.

I mean the job.
They work you nonstop.

I'’m surprised you were even
able to make it out tonight.

I'’m a writer.
I don'’t get time off.

Yeah, but working
that long and that hard,

you should be writing
your own stuff.

It'’s all of my own stuff.

I mean stuff you love,
stuff you care about.

Do you know how long it took me
to become a staff writer

at a major
like New York Minute?

You could self-publish
your book.

I gotta finish it first.

Aha. There we go,
You'’re onto something.

You need to take some time off
and finish your book.

I need to pay my rent.
[laughs]

- That'’s what I need to do.
- Hi there.

- Oh.
- Hi yourself.

What you drinking?

Tell you what.
Let me finish with my friend,

and then I'’ll let you know
when I need a refill?

We'’ll be waiting.

I know you will.

T-T-Y-S.

That means
"talk to you soon," right?

Well, look at you.

You have been busy
since the divorce,

I'’ll give you that.

And you need to get busy,
if you know what I mean.

The friend is cute.

Your cute and my cute
aren'’t the same.

Whatever happened to
that guy Mark from accounting?

It'’s complicated.

You'’re complicated.

Is it so complicated
to want someone

who understands
the little things?

And by little things,
I assume you mean

understanding when you cancel on
dates because you have to work?

Okay, so I was
a little preoccupied.

But to be honest with you,
we weren'’t a good fit.

And it'’s all about making
good choices, right?

What do you mean?

Well, you'’ve just
become liberated.

I remember what that'’s like.

You'’re out there,
you'’re dating,

and you feel like
you'’re 18 again.

- It'’s amazing.
- But sooner or later,

you realize
that you'’re not 18 again.

Life is short, you know?

You find yourself
out there searching

for someone
who makes you feel like--

Eighteen?

You know what?
I'’m done with you.

- I'’m going back to work.
- Oh, wait.

I haven'’t even shown you
the surprise yet.

What surprise?

Merry Christmas!

What is this?

A Christmas cruise?

It'’s a five-day boat trip

from San Pedro,
the port of Los Angeles,

to this tiny little island about
200 miles out on the Pacific.

It'’s a resort called
Christmas Island.

- Oh.
- It'’s just one day there,

three days on the island,
and one day back.

My designer friend got me
tickets for me and a date,

and I don'’t have a date

so I figured
I'’d bring my best friend

and find a date on the boat.

She even got me tickets to LA.

It'’s really called
Christmas Island?

Yeah, it'’s a theme resort.

Oh, let me guess the theme.
Pirates? Arrr!

It'’s gonna be amazing, okay?

It'’s only open
one month out of the year,

and they'’ve got nightclubs
and surfing, diving,

tours of the island,
and lots of single guys,

all Christmas themed.

Santa Claus?
Not my kind of cute.

No, the cruise
is Christmas themed.

The guys are a variety pack.
It'’ll be so fun.

Becky, it sounds like
an amazing present,

but this time of the year
for me getting off work,

I just can'’t take off
a week and...

go out to California
with you.

Hear me out.
The cruise leaves in two days.

We'’ll just fly out to LA,
go on the cruise,

and I'’ll have you back
by next week,

and then you'’ll have plenty of
time to work yourself to death.

Stop.

You said it yourself:
Life is short.

And whether you wanna
admit it or not,

you need an escape.

Just think about it tonight.
Okay? For me.

Okay.

To our Christmas cruise.

Ho ho ho.

[laughing]

♪♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Arlo.

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Mom.
- Crisis averted.

We will have hamand turkey.

It'’s gonna be a real feast
this year.

- Sounds good.
- Are you home?

I just got back, actually.

Oh, were you out on a date?

Just out with Becky.

I'’ve actually gotta
do a little work,

so I'’m glad
you worked everything out.

It'’s 10:00.
You work so hard.

It'’s the job, Mom.

Just as long as you love it.

You do love it, don'’t you,
sweetheart?

I'’m a writer in New York City.

What'’s not to love?

Just once I would like to see

someone standing next to you
when I open the door.

Yeah, me too, Mom.

Either way...

I can'’t wait to see you.

Love you, Mom.

Give Dad a hug for me,
okay? Bye.

- Morning.
- Boss wants to see you.

Okay.

He said now.

I'’m never gonna get ahead.

Want a reindeer cupcake?
Live a little.

Pam, I took a gander at this
article about the millennials

influencing
the city infrastructure.

It'’s true, you know.

That'’s exactly
what I was going for.

Yeah, but it'’s boring.

Boring?

Yeah, well, not the writing.
It'’s just the subject matter.

I mean, it'’s just like,
the millennial thing

has just been done to death.

I mean, you'’ve been here
for, uh--

Yikes. You'’ve been here
for a long time.

Where are you going
with this, Arlo?

Look, when my father
gave me this place,

I know what everybody
was saying around here.

- You do?
- Yeah, of course, of course.

But I still want to do
something special.

I mean, I'’m reading
these things, right?

And I'’m just like,
"Oh, boring. I'’m asleep."

I wake up, I read this one,
and I'’m back to sleep again.

I'’m so bored!
I'’m bored that I'’m bored!

With all due respect,
you are new to this.

Yeah, but you'’re one of
my favorite writers around here.

You'’re the only one I think
who has a lick of talent.

And excellent taste, and I'’m
catching on very quickly.

So here'’s the deal.

I think we need to just have
a little change around here.

Right? We gotta keep up
with the Postand the Times.

Speaking of the times,
everyone is reading the news

on the Internet now,
which is an improvement

because now you don'’t get
the ink on your fingers.

I always hated that thing
because it'’s like the news.

The news is dirty. You can'’t
take the dirt out of the news.

It'’s a whole thing.
What are you working on now?

Um, I am finishing up
the article

on the Syracuse Dog Show.

See, that'’s not what we need.

You don'’t like dogs?

No, I love dogs.
Don'’t like Syracuse.

I went to Syracuse.

It'’s a lovely school.

I don'’t fully understand
the orange thing,

but here'’s what we need.

We need something
that'’s just young and sexy.

Look, young doesn'’t always
equal sexy, sweetie.

It'’s just that--

Nah, you'’re right.
I'’ll give you that.

Let me try
something different then.

I'’ll make it very simple.

You bring me what I need,
and I will make you

New York Minute'’s
managing editor.

You serious?

Managing editor?

I already told you that
you'’re my favorite writer here.

What do you say?

What do you want me to do?

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

Hey, holidays are coming up.

Yes! It'’s like a romance,

finding love
during the holidays piece.

You'’re single, right?

Yeah, but, um...

I have to be honest with you.

I just don'’t think
that I'’m a good fit for this

because my love life
is nothing to write about.

That is very sad to hear.

All right, well, you know,
it'’s actually not a bad thing

because then it becomes
a wish fulfillment piece,

where a single woman is trying
to navigate the landscape

during
the Christmastime holiday,

and that is what our readers
will connect to,

so it'’s very good
that a woman your age

is writing this article.

My age?

How old do you think I am?

You are a very beautiful,
talented,

and sophisticated woman.

Good save. Thank you.

And there are other beautiful,
talented, sophisticated women

who are gonna be very alone
during the holiday.

Why? Because it'’s just
impossible to meet anybody

worth a pint of
pomegranate juice in this city,

so we just need
to put you in a place

where we know that
it'’s gonna be a done deal.

Me? You'’re gonna put me?

It'’s like an undercover exposé,

where we don'’t want them
to know that you'’re a reporter.

We want them
just to see you as a...

Beautiful, talented,
sophisticated woman.

- Yes! Exactly.
- Gotcha.

It'’s just we gotta brainstorm
where you'’re gonna go.

- Okay, where?
- I don'’t know!

We just gotta send you somewhere
that'’s warm and tropical

and like an escape.

It'’s gotta be an escape.

Tropical and warm, huh?

You know, it'’s gotta be like
where you find love, you know,

and then it'’s an adventure.

Alro...

I think I found the place.

♪♪

♪ Can you feel it in the air ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

PAM: Wow, that'’s big!

When was the last time
you were on a cruise ship?

Never. My family
was more into camping.

Our vacations were
always at state parks.

Are the waves gonna be choppy?

No, this ship'’s so big,
you won'’t even feel the waves.

Good.

What are you doing?

Just writing down a few notes.

Pam, we'’re on vacation.

I know.
I'’m just writing down

my first impressions of the boat
for my journal.

[clearing throat]

Okay, I'’m putting it away.

- All right, let'’s go.
- All right.

♪ Feels like Christmas ♪

[ship horn blows]

- Bye!
- Merry Christmas!

I think we'’re the only people
on this cruise

who remember the '’90s.

I like that.
I'’m hoping to meet someone

who thinks Britney Spears
is an oldie but a goodie.

Hey, are you guys excited
about the Christmas cruise?

Do you know they serve
all-you-can-eat shrimp here?

Are you taking the cruise
just for the shrimp?

He thinks with his stomach.

That'’s not the only thing
I think with.

I'’m Jessica Noel. Hi.

Soon to be
Jessica Noel Holland.

And this is my fiancé,
David Holland.

Pamela Stevenson.
Congratulations.

- Becky Monroe.
- Hi.

Hi.

So is this your first time
on the Christmas cruise?

It'’s my first time
on any cruise.

We met on this cruise
a few years ago.

How romantic.

Can I please just take down
a few notes? Please?

Only if you promise
to go just a few hours

without jotting
something down.

You got it.

Just try to live in the moment.

Take it all in.

Is your memory really
failing you that much

that you have to write
everything down?

- I just wanna be accurate.
- Accurate?

Your news reporting is starting
to affect your journaling.

You really need
to rethink this job.

There'’s gonna be a change soon.

Good. And if you don'’t
put that up when you'’re done,

I'’m throwing it overboard.

You got it. Done.

MAN OVER P.A.: All passengers
to Christmas Island.

All aboard!

♪ Old St. Nick'’s
got a new bag of tricks ♪

Welcome aboard
the Christmas Queen,

the holliest, jolliest ship
to sail the Seven Seas.

Oh, you be sure and
check out our shrimp farm

on the Mistletoe Deck.

Welcome aboard
the Christmas Queen,

the holliest, jolliest ship
on the Seven Seas.

Oh, be sure to check out
our Christmas trees.

♪ Santa'’s back in town ♪

Welcome aboard
the Christmas Queen...

[gasps]

We had a deal.

- What are you doing?
- I warned you.

PAM: I was just taking down
a few more notes.

- It is beautiful.
- Okay, so enjoy it!

Ladies, does this belong
to one of you?

Go get it.

Um, yes.

It'’s mine. Thank you.

I certainly don'’t mean to snoop.
It was open on this page.

Good writing.
"There'’s opulent holiday decor

adorning
the sleek ocean liner,

appropriately setting up
passenger expectations

for immersion
in holiday fantasy."

Wow. "So many young beautiful
people searching for escape."

That'’s good. I like that.
It'’s really good.

I know. Travel reporter.

No, no, it'’s my journal.

Sorry. I didn'’t mean
to read your journal.

You'’re really a good writer.

You should try doing it
professionally.

Thank you.
I'’m actually a writer.

I work for
the New York Minute.

Are you serious?

I love the New York Minute.
Are you kidding me?

I have a subscription
to the New York Minute.

You know, some of my friends,
they give me noise

because I still get hard copies
instead of going digital.

But this is amazing.
I love your--

I'’m a child of the '’90s,
you know?

Me too!
What a crazy coincidence, huh?

So are you writing an article
about the cruise?

No, no, no, I'’m just on vacation
with my girlfriend Becky.

I'’m Pamela Stevenson.

Jake.
Jake Rockwell.

Are you with anyone?

Actually, I am.

Oh.

Here with everyone.

You'’re the cruise director.

That I am.

And listen, I wish I could
continue this conversation.

I love having it with you,
but it'’s gotta wait

because I have places to go
and people to greet

and miles to go
before I sleep.

That'’s Robert Frost, you know.

I know.

All right, so enjoy
the cruise, relax,

and I will see you around.

What?

I thought this would be
good for you.

Oh, come on.
He'’s the cruise director.

He just ditched me to go
and be with everyone else.

Seemed pretty friendly.

That'’s my point.
He'’s friendly with everyone.

But you'’re not always
friendly with everyone,

and that looked like
an ice breaker to me.

Isn'’t it against the rules

for the crew
to fraternize with passengers?

Yes, and I think it'’s about time
you started breaking the rules.

And there'’s a couple rules
I'’d like to break myself.

Becky!

I am really blown away
at how big the boat is.

We'’re gonna have a blast.
I know I'’m excited.

- So we'’re 302, right?
- 302.

Here we go!

[gasps]
Oh!

I love this color.

I love the bed.

And where am I
supposed to sleep?

You know
I like sleeping alone.

There must'’ve been
some kind of mistake.

Yeah, I'’ll say. I'’ll just go
talk to the cruise manager.

- Purser
- Purser, cruise manager,

whosever in charge
of the beds.

I'’ll just tell them
to give us another room.

Wait! Let'’s check out
the view.

Ohh!

Come! Get over here!

Okay.

I don'’t wanna switch rooms
if we have to lose this.

PAM: Oh, it is beautiful.

BECKY: Are the waves
still gonna be a problem?

This is a great gift.
Thank you.

My pleasure. But I do need
one thing from you.

And what'’s that?

Just consider it
a Christmas gift to me.

Okay.

And I know this is a hard
concept for you, but just try.

- Try to have fun.
- I am having fun!

I'’m serious. I love you,
but you are constantly working.

You need this vacation.
You need to relax, escape.

Escape.

- You don'’t seem relaxed.
- I am relaxed! Stop!

We'’re going to have fun.

Yeah, okay, fun.

Passengers, welcome
to theChristmas Queen,

the holliest, jolliest ship
on the Seven Seas.

This is Captain Clyde,
your lovable ship captain.

We are about to leave port

to embark on our
41st annual Christmas cruise.

If you direct your attention
outside the portside windows,

you can wave goodbye
to your loved ones

- as we sail southwest...
-Okay, it'’s a nice view.

to the world'’s only
Christmas-themed resort,

- I mean...
- Christmas Island.

What'’s the face?

Well, we really don'’t
have anyone to wave to.

Oh, maybe we'’re looking
in the wrong direction.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, yeah.

Be right back.

[ship horn blows]

[knocking]

- Can I help you?
- You'’re the--

Yes, you'’re the hotel
cruise manager, right?

Well, I have a complaint
about my bed.

- It'’s not comfortable enough?
- Not exactly.

It'’s just that we were supposed
to have two beds,

and there'’s only one.

- You wanna handle this one?
- Yeah, sure.

I have to bring some extra
towels to that family in 4B.

Oh, okay.

JAKE: I got it covered, Boss.

Wow.

Hey, hello again.

Hello again.

So, uh,
how can I help you?

You wouldn'’t also secretly be
the captain or something?

No, I wish I was the captain,
I really do, but no, I'’m not.

What'’s the problem?

- It'’s our cabin.
- Stateroom.

Huh?
It'’s not called a cabin.

It'’s called a stateroom.

Let me guess.
You don'’t like the decor.

Oh, no,
I love the color scheme.

Green'’s my favorite color.

It'’s just that my stateroom
only has one bed.

- Oh.
- You still call it a bed,

or do you call them something
differently on the boat?

The ship.

You call the bed "the ship?"

Doesn'’t have
something secretly

to do with you thinking you'’re
a captain or something, does it?

Heh heh.

No. Listen, a bed
is still called "a bed,"

and a boat is called
"the ship."

Gotcha.

I'’ll tell you what.

Why don'’t I have somebody
bring up a rollaway bed

to your stateroom
as soon as possible?

- Is that okay?
- A rollaway?

Can'’t you just move us to
a different room or something?

Have you seen how many people
are on this boat?

Maybe we could trade
with a couple.

A couple?

Yeah, someone with more beds
than they may need.

I am so sorry, but we'’re doing
the best we can here.

How about this? Why don'’t you
give your room number

to the cruise hotel manager,

and we will get you a rollaway
bed like we promised, huh?

We'’re on a boat,

and I'’m going to sleep
on a rollaway.

Well, it won'’t roll away
while I'’m sleeping, will it?

[laughs]

Yeah, no, absolutely not.
You'’ll be just fine.

You know Rollaway Monthly?

They just recently
gave us an award

for having the most
comfortable rollaway beds

on any cruise ship
anywhere in the world ever.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

That doesn'’t sound like
a real publication to me.

I will make sure you get
extra pillows, extra comforters.

And between you and me,

I'’m gonna give you
an extra rollaway bed...

for free.

Okay, sold.

Okay, good.

Um, I'’ll just, uh,
roll away.

There you go.

♪♪

BECKY: What could you possibly
be writing about now,

the gingerbread man?

Hey! What do you have against
Christmas decorations?

I love Christmas decorations.

The eyes just
remind me of my ex.

Your ex is a cookie now?

Hello again.

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Mind if we join you?
- Sure.

PAM: What'’s so funny?

You'’re sitting
in the exact same spot

I was sitting in
when we first met.

Really?

- This is our table.
- You all wanna sit here?

Oh, no, it'’s okay.

Me and my friends decided
it would be fun

to take a cruise and get away.

And someone told me about
the buffet on this ship.

Do you know they serve...

All-you-can-eat shrimp.

You mentioned it.
[laughing]

My buddy and I were getting
ready for dinner, like tonight,

and I took one look
at this one,

and I knew we'’d be
together forever.

Aww.

BECKY: Who are you waving at?

[drumroll]

♪♪

Ho ho ho!

[applause]

Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho, everybody.

Your pal Santa was out at sea,
catching some tasty waves,

and he decided to drop by
here for an early visit.

Have you all been good girls
and boys this year?

I can'’t hear you!

- Yes, Santa!
- [cheering]

Whoo-hoo!
[laughing]

All right then!
It'’s time for presents.

- Yes!
- All right!

Sarah and Courtney Johnson,

come on up and receive
your Christmas gift.

Thanks, Santa.

They'’re perfect!

Just seven more months.

He'’ll be wearing these
like a champ.

- Thanks, Santa!
- Merry Christmas, ladies.

Merry Christmas.

How did Santa know that?

He just always knows
the right present.

It'’s a trick, right?

- Pamela Stevenson.
- It'’s you!

Pamela Stevenson, I have
a Christmas present for you.

Oh, wow.

Thank you, Santa.

Uh, it'’s a little big

for a gift card
to House of Coffees,

but thanks, Santa!

Whoo!

Merry Christmas.

It'’s cute.

Open it, open it!
The suspense is killing me.

SANTA: Rebecca Monroe.

That'’s me, that'’s me!

Wait to open yours
until I get back, okay?

Got it.

Thanks, Santa.

What is it?
What'’d you get?

Hmm. Well, it'’s pretty,

but I'’m not particularly
into fish.

You should wear it anyway,
like a good luck charm.

SANTA: David Holland
and Jessica Noel.

Oh, that'’s us.

Come on up!

- Such a cute couple.
- I know.

[applause]

Ho ho ho!

Well, open it up, sweets.

SANTA: Merry Christmas.

- Oh.
- Look at that.

Um...

"And so it begins,
the time of your life.

Congratulations,
Jessica and David."

What did I tell you?
Santa'’s never wrong.

Well, are you gonna open it
or stare at it all night?

I don'’t know.

It'’s probably something
kinda lame, like your gift.

Oh, it'’s not lame.
It'’s starting to grow on me.

I think it'’s real gold.

BECKY: Come on.

Wow.

It'’s beautiful.

My mom got me a set
just like this

when I was nine years old.

Oh!

I wrote my first
short story in it.

Well, that'’s lovely.

Looks like Christmas-cruise
Santa strikes again.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

It'’s 10:00,
and everyone else is partying.

You'’re already in your PJs?

I was, uh, just writing
a few things down.

For a second, I was hoping that
cruise director was in here.

- Becky!
- You'’re coming to the lounge.

There'’s so many cute guys there.

Maybe tomorrow, girl. I'’m--

[yawns]
I'’m beat.

Pam! We had a deal.

You'’re on vacation,
and you'’re gonna have fun.

Who says I'’m not having fun?

I just did.

You are gorgeous,
and you'’re one of the sweetest,

most talented women I know,

and it'’s time you let
some lucky fella see that.

Now come on.

Yes, ma'’am.

♪♪

♪♪ [continues]

You know, there'’s a lotta
cute guys on this cruise.

Mm-hmm.

Meaning if the one you'’re
looking for doesn'’t show up,

you could always just
find another one.

I don'’t know what
you'’re talking about.

- You don'’t?
- No.

It seems like you'’re looking
for somebody in particular.

Pam.

What?

Oh, oh, me likey.

Hey, ladies,
would you like to dance?

I'’m Paul. This is Gil.

I'’d love to.
I'’m Becky. This is Pam.

I'’m really not into dancing.

Oh, thank God,

'’cause I got plantar fasciitis
something fierce.

It'’s like my, my socks
are made of thumb tacks.

I have to sleep with my feet
on these two blocks of ice

at the end of my bed.

I woke up one morning
hypothermic,

third-degree frostbite.

They almost had
to amputate my feet.

They were black and shriveled up
with skin flaking off.

- Really?
- Yeah. You wanna grab a drink?

Getting drunk is the only thing
that will kill this pain.

Uh, sure.

It'’s really bad on my ulcers
and not good for my gout,

but what else is there to do
on a cruise, right?

[Gil groans]

Gotta say, Jake,

the honeymoon
was pretty fantastic.

[Jake laughs]

It was pretty nice
being on dry land for a change,

you know what I mean?

Not long for the South Seas,
are you, Bob?

How about you?

What about me?

Come on, Jake,
every woman at my wedding

was wondering
why you were there alone.

Ah, come on, man,
that was by choice.

You know I had a lotta fun
at your wedding.

Yeah, yeah.

But I also noticed you weren'’t
particularly interested

in any of those women.

What do you want from me, man?
I was friendly.

Of course.

You always are.

But you'’re not
fooling me, Jake.

It'’s kinda like how
you were at my wedding.

What do you mean by that?

You act like
you'’re enjoying yourself,

but deep down, you kinda know
something might be missing.

Have a good night.

You too.

♪♪ [continues]

Is that a jade angelfish?

I study those, for real.

Study?

I'’m a marine biologist.

Do you have any idea how rare
and beautiful those fish are?

So you like my necklace?

It'’s perfect.

[Becky giggles]

Ohh...

Oh, I need this drink
more than ever.

Mm.

Oh, that'’s so much better.

Oh! Oh, my stomach.

GIL: Aw, I used to be
on my feet all the time.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was a professional
speed walker.

We did a walking race all the
way from Miami to Los Angeles.

Came in third place.
Had sponsorships and everything.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But then my calcium deficiency
caused my arches to collapse.

I had to get
a dual hip replacement.

One of them'’s
actually made of teak wood.

Ended up getting wood worms
for a while,

but some antibiotics
took care of that.

- I'’m fine now.
- Okay.

You seem a little
uncomfortable yourself.

You okay? Is it-- Oh!

- It'’s the heels, isn'’t it?
- Yeah, it'’s the heels.

I know all about that.

I had to wear heels
when I was a lingerie model

- in Paris for a while.
- [phone ringing]

Thank God.
Hey, I'’ve got a call.

- I need to take this.
- Oh, okay, sure.

Just a minute, okay?
Excuse me. Watch those arches.

Gonna sit down right here
on the floor for a second.

[groaning]

PAM: Arlo?
What are you doing?

It'’s gotta be like
3:00 in the morning there.

ARLO: I went out tonight,
and I almost fell in love.

What happened?

She threw a drink in my face,

but then she didn'’t wanna
come home with me.

I'’m sorry.

I even told her about the boat.

You have a boat?

It'’s my father'’s boat, right?

And it'’s technically a yacht,

so I guess I was lying about
the boat thing, I don'’t know.

- But speaking of boats.
-Ship.

- Huh?
- Never mind.

What'’s going on, Arlo?

How'’s it going on the
barco de amor?

Well...

That'’s Spanish for
"boat of love," by the way.

This cruise storyline,
I'’m telling ya,

it'’s a winner,
it'’s a winner.

But you just gotta
make my life easier.

Right now you'’re out there
on the high seas,

and I'’m sure it'’s just filled
with lots of beautiful women.

- Arlo?
- And men.

I'’m sure there'’s lots
of handsome men there.

See, you understand
at your age. You get it.

Meet some guy,
escape a little,

and find your story.

And when you do,
you come home and get to work,

and before you know it,

you'’re gonna be spending
so much time thinking about

how you'’ll fill this huge
office with swanky furniture

that you'’re not even gonna
realize that you'’re alone.

Right?

I can'’t wait to see
what you come up with.

We'’ll talk soon, huh?

All right.
Be safe, Arlo. Bye.

Don'’t do it.

Don'’t do what?

Jump.

[laughs] What on earth makes you
think that I would jump?

Ho ho ho, young lady,
you'’d be surprised.

Once every couple of years,

a passenger gets
the bright idea of, you know,

going over the railing.

Then we gotta throw
a lifeboat in the water,

and then somebody'’s gotta
fish '’em out of the water.

It'’s a whole thing, you know?
It gets complicated.

Why aren'’t you
in there dancing?

Mm. I don'’t like to dance.

I find that very difficult
to believe.

Why aren'’t you
in there dancing?

I'’m off duty
for a few minutes,

just taking a little break.

One of my favorite things to do
is come out here

and just be quiet.

Peaceful.

I mean, look out there.

That open sea
laid out before us,

it'’s beautiful.

Makes you think.

I know what you mean.

Funny, when I first
came on the boat,

I was scared that I was
gonna get seasick, but...

this is nice.

It'’s nice.

Enjoying yourself so far?

So far.

Santa'’s little gift,
did you get that?

Did you have something
to do with that?

How did you know?

Ah, that old notebook of yours
was getting full,

as far as I could tell,

and you did mention that
your favorite color is green.

It'’s the details. You gotta
pay attention to little things.

I heard that
there was a policy

about the crew fraternizing
with passengers.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that'’s a big policy.

That'’s a big rule.
We don'’t do that.

Hmm.

Of course, technically...

I'’m off duty
for a few more minutes.

And?

Would you care to dance?

Oh, there you are!

Ah, I brought you a freshie.

I myself am on number seven,

which brings my pain level
down to an eight.

Cheers.

Oh, hey!

It'’s Jordan.

Jonas, Jasper.

It'’s Jake.

That'’s what I said.

Were you able to find me
those corn scrapers?

Otherwise I can just use a
cheese grater from the kitchen.

I'’ll bring '’em by your room.
Don'’t you worry about it.

I got you covered.

Oh, thank God, thank God.

JAKE: Well, uh...

I gotta go back to work.

Good night, Jake.

Good night.

♪ Everybody
put a smile on your faces ♪

♪ Time to open up your arms
and embrace it ♪

♪ The spirits of the islands
have come today ♪

♪ Hey-oh ♪

♪ So drink it in and let
your body keep a-moving ♪

♪ Ain'’t nothing to it ♪

♪ Just keep doing
what you'’re doing ♪

♪ Let the music in your heart
take you away ♪

♪ Hey-oh ♪

♪ Hop, hop, hop
Have a good time ♪

♪ Hop, hop, hop
Head in the sunshine ♪

♪ Hop, hop, hop
Come and dance with me ♪

♪ Hey-oh
Feel the music move you ♪

♪ Like the winds
upon the water ♪

♪ Every mother, every father,
every son and daughter ♪

♪ Hop, hop, hop
Come and dance with me ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Every day'’s a holiday
when you'’re on the ocean ♪

♪ You feel the breeze
upon your suntan lotion ♪

- Isn'’t Paul great?
- He'’s really not my type.

I'’m sorry. I know you'’re not
feeling his friend.

GIL: I feel like I got
Satan in my slippers

with a thousand pitchforks.

I gotta--
I need to sit down.

Oh, I should'’ve worn
my orthopedics.

Never choose fashion
over comfort.

[Gil groans]

What gave you that idea?

We'’ve been walking
around for hours.

Maybe we should find somewhere
to stop and chill out.

Yeah, and maybe with
an enormous ice-cold drink?

- Eggnog!
- Eggnog?

[scoffs]
Are you serious?

Suddenly I just got a craving.

- [Gil groans]
- Where you going?

I gotta get some reception.

Need to check
on my fantasy team.

We made the playoffs.

- Fantasy team?
- He'’s obsessed

with his
fantasy football team.

GIL: It'’s not an obsession.

Fantasy teams are important.
I need to get Wi-Fi.

If you want to later,
come by my room,

and I'’ll introduce you
to the team.

Some of the top draft picks.

And if you can'’t make it,
I'’ll meet you for drinks later.

Sure about that?

Positive!
[groans]

- [horn honking]
- Watch out! Coming through!

Jake! Oh, I mean, um...

What are you doing here?

I thought you'’d be
back on the boat.

- The ship.
- Ship, right.

You know, I'’m in charge
of passenger activities

on and off the ship,

and Old Trusty right here

is official
resort transportation.

There'’s a dance class
in 10 minutes.

If you'’d like to attend that,
I can have my partner,

the elf over here,
to take you two,

or you can take
a tour of the island with moi.

Hmm.

Dance class?
That sounds fun.

I'’m game.

Elfie man, take my two people
over there to the Hale Club,

help get '’em set up, okay?

Are you sure you wanna...

Oh, right.

I'’ll meet up with you later.
Have fun.

Well...

looks like
it'’s just you and me.

Sure does.

You know,
I'’m still on the clock,

but I might be persuaded

to give a nickel tour
of the grounds.

Hey, that sounds fun.

Show us the most beautiful
place on the island.

Yep.

Hang on, kids.

♪♪

All right.

We are here.

Wow.

Babe, how many times
have we been on this cruise,

and we'’ve never seen
a view like this?

JESSICA: Stunning.

Hey.

Yeah.

I thought we should give '’em
a little privacy, you know?

- Very perceptive.
- Thank you.

- Wow. Okay.
- Right?

Gotta give it to you.
This is a great view.

Yeah, it sure is.

Yeah.

[clicking]

Maybe we should just try and
enjoy this right here, huh?

Oh, I was just trying
to take pictures for my...

- Never mind.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

I know exactly
what you'’re doing.

Beautiful, huh?

Sometimes you just
gotta appreciate

the little things in life.

So this isn'’t
your first cruise ship.

I mean, um, how long
have you been in travel?

Me? Um, a long time.

But, you know, I was
in construction for years,

and I started off
in an accounting office.

You were an accountant?

You'’re damn right I was,
if you can believe that.

My first job,
I was an accountant.

I didn'’t last that long though.

My marriage lasted
slightly longer.

After my divorce,
I kicked around a couple things,

and now here I am.

Yeah.

And what about you?

What about me?

How do you find yourself
on the edge

of this beautiful cliff
in the South Pacific?

What does your boyfriend think
about you taking off

on a long excursion
like this sea cruise, huh?

I don'’t have one
at the moment.

Really?

What, is it a law
that I have to have one?

No, no, no, not at all.

I'’m just, uh,
I'’m just a little surprised

that such a beautiful,
talented,

wonderful woman like yourself
is still single.

Hmm.

How many women have you
brought to this spot?

Honestly? Um...

One.

Oh.

Counting today.

[laughs]
Right, right.

What, right?
That surprises you?

It'’s just, you seem like
the exact type of person

that would do this type
of thing all the time.

Really?
That'’s what I seem like?

What kind of person is that?

A ruggedly handsome
cruise director, huh?

A ruggedly handsome
cruise director?

You heard me.

What are you doing?

I'’m not too sure.

You know I'’m telling the truth.

I haven'’t brought anybody,
no one, up here,

if that'’s what you'’re thinking.

Oh, so now you know
what I'’m thinking.

I think I do.

GIL: Help! Help!

- Oh, thank God!
- Oh, no.

Joe! I mean Jerry!
Is that you?

- It'’s Jake!
- Oh, God!

Hey.

I was trying
to find reception,

and this eagle
swooped out of nowhere,

and it flew off with my phone.

That'’s when I went after it.

You know I can'’t run
'’cause of my feet.

- Sorry, guys.
- And then this badger came out.

It attacked me,
but I fought it off my shoe.

Did you say a badger?

Come on, man,
let'’s get it together.

You'’re a mess here.
Let'’s take all this stuff off.

You'’re gonna be all right.
We'’ll get you some water.

Come on. Let'’s get outta here.
Come on. Help in there.

We got a ride for you.
I'’ll sit in the middle.

Come on, come on, come on.

I'’ll sit in the middle.
Come on.

All right.
You got it, you got it.

All right, all right, okay.

- Oh, man, what the--
- What'’s the matter?

The battery.
The battery needs to charge up.

- Are we stuck here?
- No, we'’re not stuck here.

We can just call someone
for a ride or something, right?

We'’re not gonna get a signal
on this side of the island.

Okay, um...

We'’re gonna walk back
to the resort.

It'’s only a 20-minute walk
from here.

No, I can'’t!
I can'’t! My feet will fall off.

Yeah, okay,
I figured you'’d say that.

So then we'’re gonna
follow this road

through
Candy Cane Orchard, right?

And then we'’ll get
a signal there.

Someone will come and get us.
It'’s gonna be fine.

Pam, you come with me.
You three stay here.

Let'’s do this, okay?

JESSICA: Are you sure
you guys are gonna be okay?

Yeah, we'’re gonna be
just fine,

I just gotta get my trusty
flashlight here to--

With my...

Darn it!

We'’ll be back for you guys
as soon as we can. Come on.

Oh, please hurry!
My feet! Please!

JAKE: So you'’re
just working 24/7.

Yeah, but I have a plan.

See, I have been a journalist
my entire adult life.

I'’ve worked my way up the ranks
at New York Minute,

and it is about to pay off.

And then what?

What do you mean,
"And then what?"

And then what are you gonna do
with the rest of your life, huh?

You know what I'’m talking about:
having fun, relationships,

enjoying what you worked for,
that kinda stuff.

I love writing.

You don'’t love working
at the New York Minute.

Like I said, we'’re about
to make big changes,

and I'’m gonna be
a part of that.

Okay, what about
working with this kid?

Kid?

Yeah, maybe it'’s not
what I want to be doing,

but nothing in life
is perfect, right?

Okay, so what do you wanna do?

I mean, if you could
write anything,

anything at all,
what would it be?

My book.

This might sound funny, but...

I'’ve just been writing
so much for the job

that I don'’t have time
for my book.

Hmm.
[sniffing]

I smell an excuse in the air.

- Jake.
- What?

Nobody is paying me
to write my memoirs.

Anyways, you are the last person
to be lecturing somebody else

about long-term goals.

What is that
supposed to mean?

It means
I don'’t think you have any.

- Really?
- Really.

Hey, now.

You know what I do?

I cast my fate to the wind.

How can you live like that?

There'’s no plan,
no discipline.

That would drive me
up the wall.

Oh, you? I bet it would.
But for me, it'’s easy.

You know, instead of plotting
the next 10 years of my life,

I get out,
and I live my life.

Yeah, I get to travel,
I get to meet great people,

I get to experience
incredible things.

Do you even have a home?

Yeah.

We'’re headed to my home
right now.

- Speaking of ship.
- What?

Dang it.
Still no signal.

You know what I think?
You want that promotion so bad

that you'’re forgetting
what you even want it for.

I don'’t even know
what that means.

It means that you'’ve got time
for everything.

You work hard,
and you can still live life.

You can be happy.

- Who says I'’m not happy?
- Well, are you happy?

I don'’t know.

Maybe you just need somebody
to remind you in your life.

I guess you think
you'’re that somebody.

Well, maybe I am.

Maybe.

There'’s only one way
to find out.

[phone chimes]

- Ooh, ooh!
- What is that?

- We got a signal, right?
- Yeah!

Okay, this is
what we'’re gonna do.

We'’re gonna get some help,
and this right here,

right now, we gotta keep
this whole thing under wraps.

Tomorrow evening,
it'’s gonna be busy,

and so I'’m gonna carve out
some time if I can.

We'’re gonna get together.
Meet me then, right?

- Sounds like a plan.
- Okay, good.

- We got a signal.
- Let'’s go.

♪♪

So what happened
between you and Jake?

Come on!
I'’ve known you long enough

to know when you'’re
keeping something from me.

You do that whole
pouty lip thing.

It'’s not pouty lip.
It'’s a medical condition.

It'’s not a condition.
It'’s your kissing-Jake face.

[laughing]

I knew it!
You and the cruise director!

Scandalous!

Keep it quiet. Keep it down.

I don'’t want him
to get in trouble.

So you admit it.

Just keep it quiet, okay?

You like him though.

- Oh!
- Hey, ladies!

- Hi, gorgeous.
- Hey.

God, I had such a blast with you
in that dance class.

You got some moves,
you know that?

You guys know about
the Christmas ball

on the last night
of the cruise?

That'’s gonna be so fun.

But I don'’t think
Gil'’s gonna make it.

I mean, his feet
are bothering him.

He is a wreck.

Mm. So sorry to hear that.

I'’m pretty sure she won'’t have
a problem finding another date.

PAUL: Yeah? Are you as good
a dancer as your friend here?

I don'’t dance.
I'’m a professional wallflower.

You should try it.
You might like it.

I'’m good.

- Bye.
- Bye.

"There is a certain inescapable,
old-fashioned charm

to Christmas Island.

At every turn,
the streets are festoon

with tinsel and candy canes.

The smell of gingerbread
is in the air,

and the people are..."

Festoon.

That doesn'’t sound right.

[phone ringing]

Hello, it'’s Pam.

ARLO: It'’s me.

Oh, hey, Arlo.
How'’s the city?

Cold, damp, too many people.

Oh, I went out to
meat packing last night,

I went to this club.

It was like booming,
you know?

Boom, boom, boom, boom!
All the way up to 87th Street.

Anyway, there was this girl
that was out on the dance floor

that I had to go talk to
and ask her name,

and you know
what she said to me?

I have a feeling
this is not gonna go well.

- She said, "Amy."
- And?

Actually, I turned around,
and I walked away.

Why?

'’Cause it was the name
of the first girl

that I ever fell in love with
in first grade

and that girl,
she broke my heart, so--

Wait a second.
You'’re telling me

just because the name
reminded you of a bad experience

that you missed out on
the chance of having a good one?

When you put it that way,
you make it seem like I missed

a very good opportunity.

So how'’s it going for you?

- Uh...
- Are you smiling?

I can hear you smiling
over the phone right now.

How can you?

I wasn'’t thinking about
writing about myself.

My friend,
she met this hot guy.

Yeah? All right.

Your friend.
I like where this is going.

This is like
a double-trouble story.

You should write
about that too.

It'’s not exactly
what you think.

Yeah, I think I should'’ve
gone on this cruise.

I think I'’m missing out.
I'’m gonna book it for next year.

Anyway, the whole thing
sounds great.

Just remember,
more steamy, more circulation.

- Steamy?
- Or sexy. Whatever.

Oh.

Just a shame it'’s gotta
end though, right?

What do you mean?

It'’s not like you'’re gonna
stay on that boat forever.

Pam?

- Ship.
- What?

It'’s called a ship.

Oh, yeah.
No, you'’re absolutely right.

All right, well, hey, I can'’t
wait to see this final piece.

It sounds like you got
plenty of material,

so just remember one thing
for me, Pam: sexy.

You got it, Arlo, sexy.

Bye.

"On my first excursion from
the ship to Christmas Island,

I met a charming
marine biologist, Paul,

who complimented me
on my jade flounder necklace."

[knocking]

Yes?

Hmm. What'’s this?

"Looking forward to seeing you.

Secret Santa."

Hmm, sexy.

"As night fell over
Christmas Island,

we found ourselves stranded,
yet finally alone.

And though it was forbidden,

we couldn'’t resist it
any longer.

Our bodies pressed against
each other for just a moment,

our hearts throbbing
as our lips deliciously met."

Now that'’s sexy.

♪♪

Oh!

Paul said this place was great.

You know, I notice
he didn'’t join us tonight.

Because you'’re my best friend,
and I wanted a girls'’ night,

especially since you didn'’t
do anything with me last night.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Are you all singing karaoke?

If I work up enough courage.

Ho ho ho! What could I get the
two lovebirds to drink tonight?

Can I get a Sleigh Ride,
please?

DAVID: Make mine
a Midnight Clear.

I'’ll be right back
in a twinkle of Santa'’s nose.

I don'’t know if that was
a song or a drink request.

♪♪

JAKE: Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

seasons greetings
and welcome to Karaoke Night

at the North Pole Bar.

Hey, all right!

So I want you to pick up
that old Christmas book

and thumb through it
and pick out

your very favorite
Christmas song

and get busy!

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

♪ '’Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

♪ I am happy
So are you ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la
La la la ♪

- Can we get a drink?
- Yeah.

Hey, I'’m Max.
Welcome to North Pole Bar,

Ho ho ho.

Hi, Max.
What'’s the drink special?

It is the I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus.

Are you serious?

What'’s in it?

Eggnog, peppermint,
a little bit of--

You know what?
Don'’t tell me. Surprise us.

It comes with
a Christmas cookie garnish.

Oh, make it two.

You got it.

We'’re not really gonna
sing karaoke, are we?

Oh, yeah.
It'’s gonna be fun.

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

♪ I'’d avoid
that brown bean dip ♪

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

- Here you go, ladies.
- Oh, thank you.

You'’re welcome.

Okay, well,
here'’s to having fun.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

Ooh, wow. Wow.

Ugh...

There'’s the cookies.

- Thanks, Max.
- Thank you.

- It'’s better with the cookies.
- Are you okay?

I'’m wonderful.

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

♪ I will guide you
through the forest ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la
La la la ♪

♪ Help me sing
this silly chorus ♪

♪ Fa la la la la
La la la la ♪

Okay.

So we'’re gonna do something
a little bit different tonight.

I'’m gonna look around the room
and find a lucky passenger to--

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!

My name is David Holland.

Holla!

Oh, wow.

Most of you probably know me

from my beautiful
bride-to-be, Jessica.

And I just-- I just wanted
to get up here and...

I love you.

I love you too, but stop.

Do you?

Are you--
Are you sure about this?

'’Cause I'’m kinda scared.
Are you scared?

JAKE: Okay, David, David.
It'’s over, it'’s over now.

Here, let me have the mic.

- I feel like--
- Wait, David.

Give me that microphone!
Everybody, David Holland.

- Give him a hand!
- Jess!

And Jessica,
his bride-to-be.

There you go.
Go get your girl!

[laughs]

Okay, well, let'’s continue
the party, shall we?

Who'’s next?
Let me...

Ma'’am, right there,
what is your name?

Ma'’am? Now, you know
you know my name.

Kind of a salty attitude,
don'’t you think?

Why don'’t we see
if you have a sweeter voice.

I think I need
some fresh air too.

Hey, uh...

Give me that mic.

And a C, a bouncy C.

♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪

PAM: Hey.

Mind if I join you?

I'’d actually love someone
to talk to right now.

You'’re divorced, right?

That'’s what you
wanna talk about?

We'’re not gonna end well,
are we?

What do you mean?

David and me.

Why would you say that?

I think you two
make a great couple.

But I would be lying
if I didn'’t say

that I detected jitters
from you.

You too?
David said the same thing.

What are you afraid of?

When I met David,
when I saw him there,

standing with that plate
of all-you-can-eat--

- Shrimp?
- You know what?

It was actually crab legs.

Okay.

Anyway...

I just knew.

And he made me laugh,
and he made me...

everything.

And every day after that,
it just got better and better.

And I'’d be lying if I said
that every day was amazing,

but he was always there for me.

I'’m having a hard time
detecting what the problem is.

What if we fizzle out?

I mean, what happened
to you and your ex?

- We fizzled out.
- See?

It was a different situation.

I'’m not even 30 yet.

Oh!

Are you bragging?

No, no. It'’s just...

I haven'’t done anything yet,

and I'’m about to settle down.

And I see you and your friend,

and you guys are beautiful,
smart, sophisticated,

talented women.

You guys seem perfectly happy.

I mean, do you even have
a desire to get married again?

I haven'’t even thought about it
again until this cruise.

Look, I don'’t know
how things will end, but...

if something so big
starts with a spark,

anything can happen, right?

I mean, it could explode
or blow up in your face,

or it could catch fire
and warm your heart forever.

Sweetie, don'’t let the jitters

stop you from
taking that chance, okay?

- Thank you.
- You'’re welcome.

- You know what?
- What?

I'’m gonna go find David,
and I'’m gonna warm him up.

Get him, girl!
[laughing]

Good luck!

You'’re an absolute wonder,
you know that?

You better stop
sneaking up on me like that.

Oh, yeah?

I think you like it.

I gotta admit, though,
I'’m a little disappointed

that I didn'’t get
to hear you sing.

Oh. What, were you
disappointed

that you didn'’t get to see me
make a fool out of myself?

You know, I read
a few of your articles,

and I was listening
to what you said to her,

and I'’ve gotta tell ya--

You were listening?

Yeah, I caught the tail end.

Pam, you have got such a big,
beautiful heart in there.

Why are you so afraid
to show it off?

I'’m not afraid.

Then why are you shaking?

I am not shaking.

You are absolutely trembling.

It'’s-- It'’s cold out here.

If it'’s so cold, come here.
I'’ll warm you up.

May I remind you
that you are still on duty?

I just got off.

- [door closes]
- ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ '’Tis the season--
Someone'’s not so jolly ♪

What'’s the matter?

I just got finished reading,

"Finding Love
on a Christmas Cruise."

Oh.

Oh? You'’ve been writing
this whole time.

- It hasn'’t been a vacation.
- I can explain.

Explain what? I thought you
wanted to spend time together.

- I do!
- And have fun for a change.

- I did!
- The only reason you came

was to write this article
for New York Minute.

I feel used.

Arlo told me that
if I wrote that article

for the Christmas edition,

that I would be promoted
to managing editor.

That'’s the only reason
why I did it.

How was that supposed
to make me feel any better?

Well, because I'’ve had a blast
on this cruise.

Last night for me was--

Where were you anyway?

What, Jake?

What? But that'’s amazing!

I thought you were just
embellishing for the story.

At first I was, but...

that man is amazing.

Oh, my, you really--

I'’m gonna invite him
to my parents'’ house

for Christmas dinner.

- Whoa, that'’s serious.
- Yeah.

I'’m kinda nervous.

Oh, don'’t be nervous.

Becky, I am so sorry.

I should'’ve told you.

But believe me,
this is the best time

that I have had
in a long, long time.

I feel like I'’m 18 again.

Oh, that reminds me.
I gonna meet up with Paul.

Oh, whoa, hey.

Yeah?

Thank you.

It'’s about time, girl.

Agreed.

[door closes]

♪♪

- Okay, everybody in.
- Gotta get the snowman.

Silly face, silly face.
Come on, now.

- Right, all right.
- Here we go.

♪♪ [continues]

- Mmm!
- Really?

- Okay.
- [laughing]

♪ Take a jet plane
across the stars ♪

♪ Don'’t care where we'’re headed
long as it'’s you and I ♪

♪ High above the clouds ♪

♪ Where the sun always shines ♪

♪ Anywhere we go
feels like paradise ♪

BECKY: I can'’t believe it'’s
the last big night of the cruise

before we head back to LA.

I wonder what would be
the perfect ending?

PAM: I can think
of a few things.

I bet they all
start with Jake.

CAPTAIN OVER P.A.:
Attention, landlubbers,

this is your indefatigable
captain speaking.

As this will be our last night
on Christmas Island,

we'’ll be winding things down

with our traditional
celebration.

Keep your eyes
on the main thoroughfare.

It looks like Santa has
temporarily grounded his sleigh

and is riding around in his
spiffy holiday land vehicle.

- Santa!
- [cheering]

Ho ho ho!

Merry Last-night-of-the-cruise.

Christmas Queenpassengers,
follow me.

Why not?
[laughs]

SANTA: Yo ho ho.

PAM: Jake, what'’s this about?

This right here?

This is the miracle tree.

It'’s hundreds of years old.

Never get any taller than that.

Every year on
the last night of the cruise,

passengers, they come here,
and you see all these presents?

They leave them
all around the tree.

They get collected up
and passed around

to needy kids in Los Angeles.

It puts things in perspective,
doesn'’t it?

I guess we forgot
to bring a gift, huh?

Oh, no. Come on, no.

Don'’t worry about that.
It'’s okay.

You know, when the
Christmas cruise first started,

it was to celebrate
the one time of year

where people set aside
their differences

and put up these little
shiny lights,

this beautiful
little miracle tree

and to celebrate everything
that'’s right in the world.

It still is.

It'’s sometimes easy to forget
about all that though, huh?

Thanks for reminding me, Jake.

Yeah, thanks, Jake.

My friends.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her king ♪

♪ Let every heart ♪

♪ Prepare Him room ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven ♪

♪ And nature sing ♪

♪ He rules the world ♪

♪ With truth and grace ♪

♪ And makes the nations prove ♪

♪ The glories of ♪

♪ His righteousness ♪

♪ And wonders of His love ♪

♪ And wonders of His love ♪

♪ And wonders and wonders ♪

♪ Of His love ♪

PAM: Merry Christmas!

JAKE: Merry Christmas!

[ship horn blows]

♪♪

I have to admit,
I love the gowns.

Thank you for the loaner.

It'’s one of the perks of
working in fashion: the clothes.

My goodness gracious,
you look drop-dead gorgeous!

You guys clean up
pretty good yourself.

Cleaned up...

yet still ruggedly handsome.

Yes. If you guys
were to rescue us

from some dangerous spies,

please dress like this.

That'’s a deal.

♪♪

It'’s our song.

Madam.

Okay.

- Paul'’s a pretty good dancer.
- Yes, he is.

So'’s your friend.

Yeah.

Hey.

Would you care to dance?

I told you,
I have three left feet.

I got four, so come on out here.
Come on the dance floor.

- Okay.
- Don'’t be shy.

You'’re gonna do just fine.

Yeah.

See there?
Look at that.

- Oh.
- You'’re dancing.

Oh, I would love to see
the look on my mother'’s face.

And why'’s that?

Well...

every year I go home
for Christmas dinner

and since the divorce,

my mother always asks me,
"Are you bringing someone?"

[laughing]

And when my mother asks,
"Are you bringing someone?"

she means...

BOTH: Someone special.

Exactly.

And she always,
without fail,

thinks I'’m kidding
when I tell her no.

She thinks I'’m going
to surprise her,

so she'’s doubly disappointed
when I arrive by myself.

Wow.

That'’s a whole lotta pressure
right there.

So I was wondering,
if you weren'’t doing anything,

- would--
- Would I like...

to go home with you
this Christmas

and meet your mother.

Yes.

I would love to do that.

I would love
to meet your mother.

But the truth is,

I have two more cruises
after this one,

and I'’m gonna be
on the high seas

until early January.

I-I...

Hey, Pam, no,
look at me, look.

I'’m sorry.
I'’m really sorry.

You know how serious
I take my job, right?

And you of all people
must understand that--

No, no, it'’s okay,
I understand.

I understand.

It'’s just that
this change of pace

has been really good
for me, and...

I thought maybe
switching things up...

might be good for you too.

I'’m gonna go get
some fresh air.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Sure.

You'’re upset.

Why would I be upset?

Pam.

You'’re an amazing woman,
you know that?

But you'’re breaking up with me.

No, no, of course not.
No, I don'’t want you to go.

- You mean stay here?
- Yes.

So you want me
to quit my dream job,

move out of my nice apartment
in New York,

and follow you around
on the high seas.

Hold on. You said the change
has been good for you.

Yes, on vacation.

You can'’t live
your entire life on vacation.

I thought your dream job
was being a novelist?

I live in the real world, Jake.

This is not the real world.

This is some type
of fantasy land

where you can make it Christmas
whenever you want.

Meanwhile, I have
to pay bills, taxes.

I'’ve gotta find out
where I'’m gonna live

and whether or not my boss
is gonna fire me

because I don'’t finish
my article edited on time.

You'’re not happy.

How many people do you know
that end up happy?

I don'’t know.
I'’m looking around this ship

and it seems like
a lot of people are happy.

Have you talked to everyone
on this boat?

Oh, I forgot!

You'’re the cruise director.

Well, most people are gonna
have to go home too, Jake.

But you don'’t.

Jake, you can come
and stay in New York,

have a great Christmas
there too.

I mean, we don'’t have
palm trees and waves,

but there'’s Christmas lights
on Fifth Avenue.

And the Rockettes
and ice skating.

I know.
I know all about this, Pam.

I know there'’s a big blowout
on New Year'’s Eve as well.

I know.

Pam.

This is my life.

I want you to be
part of my life.

My life is not
on a ship, Jake.

And your life isn'’t working
for that paper either.

All the articles that I'’ve read
that you'’ve written--

your friend Becky,

Jessica, the girl
who'’s scared to get married,

me--

you'’ve offered all of us
great advice.

Now let me offer you some.

Take a chance.
You hear me?

Take a chance
and bet on yourself.

And you gotta focus
on your writing.

You gotta get that book
together.

'’Cause you know something?
I believe in you.

And other people, they--

Pam, they believe in you.

Now it'’s just a matter of...

you believing in you.

So where does that leave us?

With a lot
of Christmas memories.

"Christmas Cruise."

By Pamela Stevenson.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ You gotta shake it
like Santa ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Merry Christmas, Pam!

Merry Christmas.

How was your Christmas cruise?

Life changing.

Ooh, that calls
for a celebration!

Of course.

- Oh!
- You want a snowman cupcake?

I spent three days baking
a huge batch for the party.

It'’s my specialty.

Actually, those look
pretty great.

But it looks like you outdid
yourself this time, kiddo.

TOBY: Nailed it!

- Oh, hey!
- Hey, hey.

- This is Amy.
- Amy!

I'’ve heard so much about you.
Nice to meet you.

It'’s so nice to meet you too.
Happy Hanukkah.

Same to you.

And this is the new
managing editor

of the New York Minute.

- What?
- Yes, yes. I read the article!

Are you kidding me?
It was fantastic!

I loved it, I loved it.

So I suggest to you
that you start interviewing

the most handsome personal
assistants you can find.

Actually, I was thinking--

I love when you'’re thinking.
She is such a great thinker.

I think I'’m gonna need
some time off.

Yeah, great! You earned it.
When do you wanna come back?

I'’m not coming back.

You'’re going after the guy
on the boat, aren'’t ya?

- The ship.
- Huh?

I'’m not going after anyone.

I'’m an intelligent, talented,
sophisticated woman.

If any man wants to be with me,

then he'’s gonna have
to come and get me.

And I am finally
gonna write my book.

Yeah, I'’m gonna stop
talking about it,

and I'’m gonna be about it.

That'’s what I wanna do.

Attention, workers.

It is time
for Christmas karaoke!

[cheering]

Now, since I'’m obviously
the headliner,

do I have any volunteers
for an opening act?

Pam. Really?

Really.

Whatcha got?

I got a lot.
What are you in the mood for?

Um...

How about something with...

[snaps fingers]
Yeah, a little bit of sass.

♪♪

PAM: Okay, um...

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪♪ [continues]

All right.

J-Jake?

No, no, please,
don'’t stop on my account.

Go ahead.

Jake, what are you doing here?

I thought you needed saving.

Oh, Jake, the time
that we spent was amazing.

I'’m so grateful that I met you,
and the fun that we had, but...

I can'’t live on a ship.

I could visit
occasionally, but...

there'’s a whole world out there
that I wanna see, and...

I wanna be my own captain.

And I wanna be your first mate.

Really?

After you left,
I spent a few days at sea.

I'’ve never felt more alone
in my life.

It just wasn'’t the same.

And if you'’re not
gonna be there with me,

I don'’t wanna be
out on the sea.

[cheers, applause]

Okay, now I think there'’s
just a few more special people

that I need to meet.

Agreed.

Oh, baby.

♪♪

♪ My baby'’s home ♪

♪ So far away ♪

Mom, Dad!

- Come on in, you guys.
- Thanks.

Oh! Hey, Mom.

Welcome home, baby.

I got somebody
I want you to meet.

This is Jake.

Hi.

He'’s a total fox!

[laughing]

- Merry Christmas.
- So nice to meet you!

JAKE: You too.

Huh.

♪ No, it ain'’t easy ♪

PAM: And so,
having quit my dream job

and still riding high
on the spirit of Christmas,

I went to the one place
where I could forget

all my troubles for a while

and just enjoy the holidays.

Merry Christmas, Dad!

Home.

In the end, I remember
what Jake had told me

about the little things.

They weren'’t just details.

They were the things
we hold on to

when we need to remember
something wonderful.

♪ All year long,
it'’s the same old song ♪

♪ It'’s so hard to break away ♪

PAM: The first memory shared
in a great relationship.

Or trading dream jobs that
we thought would make you happy

for ones that actually
do make you happy.

"My first instinct was
to take a picture with my phone,

but Jake said
to just try enjoying it.

And I came to realize that

that went for
just about everything,

whether it was sunsets
or setbacks or a crisis

or even Christmas.

Life is short.

Why not try to have some fun?

The end."

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

PAM: But in the end...

Thank you.

the most important memories

all seemed to start at home

with the people you love.

Hey.

Hey.

What'’s this?

Only one way to find out.
Open it.

"I'’m so glad
that we found each other."

I wanted you to have that.

Your big beautiful heart.

Merry Christmas, Jake.

Merry Christmas, Pam.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Feel the love all around ♪

♪ See the smiles
across this town ♪

♪ '’Cause the kids
are counting down ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Baby, let'’s watch
the snow fall down ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ I'’ll light the fire
and hold you close ♪

♪ The twinkled lights ♪

♪ The stockings full ♪

♪ We'’ll let the holidays
fill our soul ♪

♪ Friends and family ♪

♪ Come around to make
the season bright ♪

♪ Everywhere around the world ♪

♪ People feel it
in their heart ♪

♪ Yes, the magic is
about to start ♪

♪ Feel the love all around ♪

♪ See the smiles
across this town ♪

♪ '’Cause the kids
are counting down ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪

♪ There'’s a ton
beneath the tree ♪

♪ Carols sung
in perfect harmony ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Give me a little mistletoe ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Let the holiday cheer begin ♪

♪ With the ones you love ♪

♪ And blessings from above ♪

♪ I never want to let
this feeling end ♪

♪ '’Tis the season ♪

♪ For happiness
and joy around the world ♪

♪ And you'’re the reason ♪

♪ I can feel it my heart ♪

♪ Yes, the magic is
about to start ♪

♪ Feel the love all around ♪

♪ See the smiles
across this town ♪

♪ '’Cause the kids
are counting down ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪

♪ There'’s a ton
beneath the tree ♪

♪ Carols sung
in perfect harmony ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪

♪ There'’s a ton
beneath the tree ♪

♪ It'’s a Christmas
state of mind ♪