Original subtitles

[Faint Moaning]

[Bernie] America, I'm payin' the price.

I mean, payin' the price for bein' Bernie Mac.

Payin' the price for tellin' the truth, speakin' my mind.

I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings.

But sometimes people take my words the wrong way.

They make a big deal out of nothin'.

You don't think so? You watch this.

[Bernie] You been briefed, baby.

- Hoo! Let me tell you somethin', Clyde. - I'm listening.

I love my wife, but if somethin' happened to her, man...

I'm tellin' you, America, I'll never get married again.

Aw. Come on. You can't say that.

You didn't answer the question.

You know what? I ain't makin' love to no woman but my wife.

- Okay, wait a minute. You're a movie star, Bernie. - Okay.

- I mean, you must have worked with some beautiful women. - True dat. True dat.

But I'm a professional. When I'm on the set, it's all about work.

- Okay, okay. We got all that. - Okay.

- But if you had a free pass, who would you sleep with? - There you go.

- Don't start asking me nothin' personal, 'cause... - Who would you sleep with?

Halle Berry.

- [Boing] - Wasn't he quick?

- Halle Berry. - Halle Berry, if you're out there...

- I'm sayin' if somethin' were to happen to my wife. - Uh-huh.

Like say, for instance, if she dead. Okay.

Okay, when she layin' in the coffin. She layin' over there...

[Humming] Music, singing, everything.

I would invite Halle Berry to sit right next to me.

- Ooh. - Okay? We go to the funeral. I'm supposed to be sad.

I look weepy. Go to the doggone burial, man.

Throw that first dirt on. You know, I might get some sympathy sex from her.

Oh! Takin' Halle to the grave!

I will play it to the end!

- I would look sad, man. - Hey. He had a point, though.

You know, my wife is all right. But Halle's better, baby.

[Clyde Laughing]

[Woman] Bernie Mac's here all week, everybody. We'll be right back.

See? I was just entertaining the people on the morning drive.

Doing what I do best.

Now, I ask you: Who could possibly be upset by that?

Bernie, do you know how embarrassed I was?

Yeah. Wanda, I'm sorry. I-I swear, I didn't mean nothin' by it.

How do you think it makes me look? The Richters are my friends.

You stood us up. We waited for you for 45 minutes.

The Richters?

Ooh! Oh, my God.

Baby, I was supposed to have drinks with y'�ll today.

I'm sorry, baby. I'll reschedule.

I'm sorry. Forgive me?

Thank you. [Sighs]

I feel so much better.

I thought you was upset about somethin' else.

What else would I be upset with you about?

- Let's move on, baby. - Bernie?

You know I did the radio show this morning, right?

America... [Scoffs] I learned my lesson.

From now on, I'm not sayin' a doggone word.

I'm keeping my big mouth shut.

You said that on the air?

- They're just jokes, baby. - It's not funny.

Aw, come on, Wanda. You just tight about the Richters.

Oh, no, Bernie. I was annoyed about the Richters.

I am livid about this.

Livid? That's two degrees past pissed.

Thank you.

Mmm-mmm.

This is delicious. Kids...

I want you to tell your Aunt Wanda how good dinner is.

- The fish is bony. - Shut up.

It's the best fish I ever tasted, baby.

Bernie, I know what you're doin'.

You know what I'm doin'?

Baby, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you in my life.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- You appreciate me in your life? - Yeah.

[Gagging]

Ow! I think that was a bone.

I'm sorry. That was your Uncle Bernie's piece.

[Coughing, Gagging]

Now, the part about me being dead... Did that come from you or from them?

Come on, now, Wanda. It came from me.

And you brought Halle Berry to my funeral as a date?

You wasn't dead yet.

I mean, it's... it's just a fantasy.

- Just a fantasy? - Yeah.

Oh.

The woman is drivin' me crazy.

America, was I so wrong? Was I so wrong?

Hell, yeah, you was wrong.

Now, get back in here so we can finish this discussion.

[Laughs] Like Halle Berry would want you.

You trippin'.

- You need some more rest. - Now, that's cold.

I'm talkin' about Alaska cold.

Have you ever seen a black Eskimo? Hell, no.

Lookin' like this here. You know we can't take no cold.

You know, women always wanna put you down, take you down.

Tell ya, Halle Berry don't want me.

If she don't start tightenin' up, actin' right...

she gonna be spendin' the rest of her night all by her doggone self.

Gotta put me down. Kill my spirits.

"Halle Berry don't want you." You'd be surprised who want me.

Huh, huh. I still got a little bit left.

I still got a little... Mmm. Boy.

- [Horn Honks] - [Groans]

You see, America? I ain't lyin'.

She's sleeping alone.

And if she don't calm down, she's gonna sleep alone again tomorrow.

I'm still the master of this house.

And y'�ll better recognize.

And I'm gonna tell ya somethin' else.

I'm gonna do the radio show again tomorrow.

So excuse me, America.

I gotta get some rest.

It ain't bleedin', is it?

- Jordan, come out of there. - No!

You can't stay in there all day.

How long have they been teasing him, Father?

Ever since you humiliated the boy on the radio, Mr. Mac.

Wanna know how I got into this? My second day on the radio.

Ooh! Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

Bernie Mac, you know you funny.

Baby, I'm tellin' you the truth. The boy is soft.

He so soft. I mean, like ice cream.

Like a kitten head. His nickname is Pillow.

Pillow! Well, why can't you do something to toughen the boy up?

- What you want me to do, Clyde? - I don't know.

I hit the boy for nothin'. I throw him down. It don't do no good.

- Hit him in the face. You know? - No.

- I took him to the batting cage, right? - Uh-huh.

I held him. Let the ball hit him all up in the chest.

You know, hit him on purpose. I'm switch- hittin'. 'm hittin' the ball left and right.

He sittin' up there. He lookin' through the fence. Cryin'. W heezin'.

I mean, pow, pow, pow. He lookin' through the gate.

You know, wheezin'. [Breathing Heavily]

- What was he looking at? - There's a pottery shop across the street, and he wanna go.

- [Woman Laughing] - [Wheezing]

I said, " No. You can't go now. I'm showin' you how to bat."

White boy lookin' at me thinkin' I'm abusing him.

- No! - I take the punk across the street.

- You took him there? - I took the punk.

I think the punk gonna browse and everything. You know, he inside.

I'm waitin' outside. I'm waitin', I'm waitin'.

He come out man, two hours later. Guess what he done did?

- What'd he do? - He made us some cups.

- [Both Laughing] - [Clyde] He made you some pottery cups?

Nice cups. Designs. Got all our names on em'.

- [Bell Ringing] - Hey, Jordan, you wanna come to my house and play?

- Sure. - Good, cause my sister's having a tea party.

You can make the cups.

Aw, don't pout, kitten head.

[Groans]

They've been pretty hard on him, huh?

I don't know the specifics, Mr. Mac...

but when those kids get to teasing...

they could reopen the wounds ofJesus.

[Clears Throat]

Jordan.

Listen, son. I d... I didn't mean anything.

I'm a comedian.

And-And sometime I put a hundred on 10.

And that mean I make little things big.

It's make-believe, son.

- That's what show business is all about. - You said I was soft!

[All Giggling]

Y'�ll believe that, huh?

Y'�ll think he's soft?

Well, how many of you all think y'�ll could beatJordan up?

Every last one of you, huh? All right.

Well, how many of you all think y'�ll could beat me up?

I do hope there's a point to this line of questionin', Mr. Mac.

- As doubting Thomas said, "Show me the stigmata." - Let me handle this, Father.

Let me tell you all somethin' right now.

That boy's not soft. He's bold. He's fearless.

Let me tell you all a story. I had a deep-dish apple pie.

I went to the refrigerator.

Apple pie gone. I mean, pie nowhere.

Nobody's in the house but me and Jordan.

There's Jordan, sittin' at the end of the table with a face full of crumbs.

I asked him what happened to my pie.

He said he surprised a food burglar.

I said, "What?" I knew it was a lie. I just wanted to hear it again.

He said, "I surprised a food burglar, Uncle Bernie. Hee-hee!"

Hee-hee, nothin'.

Let me tell you somethin'. Y ou can't be soft and tell a bold-faced lie like that.

You got to be bold to be that doggone stupid.

So let me ask you all another question.

Which one of y'�ll think y'�ll bold enough to eat my apple pie?

Say it. Say it out. Go ahead.

I didn't think so.

So I guess this... this boy ain't soft after all.

And let me tell you all somethin' else.

I got a million stories like that I can tell you.

That boy ain't soft. He's my comic inspiration.

Tell them about the time I put your car in gear and let it roll down the driveway.

That's a good one. I'm... That was you?

[Snickering]

[All Chattering]

- Is everything okay with Jordan? - Everything is fine, baby.

Bernie Mac saved the day once again. Might as well give your man some hugs.

- Why don't you let Halle hug you? - Baby, I'm sick of that.

Why don't you stop doin' that? All right.

Why don't you pick somebody? That's the only way you gonna feel better.

- Go on. Pick somebody. - No. It's stupid.

No, it's stupid for you to keep talkin' about Halle.

Go on. Pick somebody. Who it gonna be?

Denzel? Wesley? Chestnut? Tyrese?

Go on. Pick somebody. 'Cause it don't bother me like it bothers you.

- It bothers you. - You not lettin' it go?

- No, you not lettin' it go. - All right. Fine. I guess I pick Roland.

See? Came right out your mouth. See? Rol...

Howard Rollins used to play on A Soldier's Story? He dead.

I mean Roland, my mechanic.

Your mechanic?

- He ain't no celebrity. - So?

So? You're supposed to pick a celebrity.

Like Halle Berry. I don't know her.

You know him. You see this cat every time you go get an oil change.

- I don't know him. - Yes, you do.

You saw him when we dropped my car off.

Roland?

Roland. Which one was Roland?

?? [Women Singing R& B]

?? [Ends]

Him?

Aw, Wanda. Come on, now.

You know what, Bernie? I do feel better.

- [Growls] - [Wanda Screams]

Boy, what's wrong with you?

You almost gave your Aunt Wanda a heart attack.

It's funny, right, Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, you can use that in your act.

I'm gonna go think of some more funny stuff.

[Sighs]

Hey, hey! You're gliding with Clyde and Cheryl here on Bernie Mac Week.

So, Bernie, how'd the kids come to live with you?

Baby, don't mention those doggone kids to me, man.

Every time I think about them, man, I wanna kill 'em.

- [Clyde] Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. - It is that doggone bad.

Let me tell you somethin'. It's a long story, first of all.

See, my sister on drugs. And I wanted to get the kids before the state did.

- Oh, Bernie. - See, there you go again.

That's good. The man doin' the right thing.

You know, I tried to help my sister time and time and time again.

She don't want no doggone help. I put her in rehab. You know what she told me?

- What'd she tell ya? - The last time I tried to put her in?

- She ain't goin' there. That's for quitters. - Ohh!

She said she gonna keep smokin' until she get it right.

Hi. Excuse me.

- Aren't you Vanessa? - Yeah.

- Is your uncle a comedian? - Yes, he is.

Oh, my gosh! I heard him on the radio this morning.

You know, he is really funny.

I think that it is so cool how you and your brother and sister survived your mom's crisis.

Your life is really interesting.

Hi, baby.

Hey, whatever happened to that old fat guy who used to work on your car?

- I don't drive a Camry anymore. - You will startin' Monday.

- Let it go. - I ain't lettin' go nothin'.

You act petty, I can... Hold on.

She walkin' in the door as we speak. I'll call you back.

- Where you been, Nessa? - At school.

You wasn't at school when I came to pick you up.

Maybe cause I didn't wanna ride with you and your big mouth.

What'd... What'd you say to me?

You don't need to be telling my mother's business to everybody.

If you've got a problem, you come and talk to me so we can try to work it out.

I'm not tryin' to be in your act.

Nessa, I'm sick of you closing doors up in my house.

And I'm sick of you talking about my mother. Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

I'm the guy who got you and your brother and sister up in here in my house!

I'm the man who put clothes on your back and food in your belly.

That's the man who I think I am!

- You know, you're right. - What?

You're absolutely right.

It's not that big a deal, and I overreacted.

You have the right to say whatever you want to say.

Okay, it's squashed, right? Everything seems cool.

But didn't it come a little quick?

I know it did, right? Now, keep watchin'.

This is what happened the next day.

You're on the Morning Glide with Clyde, Cheryl and Bernie Mac.

- Cheryl in the house. - You lookin' good, too, baby.

- We've got another caller. - Hi, Uncle Bernie.

- Who's that? Nessa? - You're a big fake.

- Oh! Oh! - Look here, Nessa. Ain't nobody got... Come on.

Ain't nobody got no time for this bull, now.

- Ooh, this could be hot. - Go ahead, Nessa.

You're always talking about keepin' it real and telling the truth.

- But you don't keep it real. - Take another call.

- We ain't got time for her foolishness. - Not now, Bernie.

Uh, go ahead, Nessa. Elaborate.

He's always smoking these Cuban cigars.

- Isn't that illegal? - Last time I checked.

- Unless his last name's Castro. - Let me tell you something, you little stool pigeon.

How come you ain't in school? Nah, nah, nah, nah. You know what? They be a gift.

People be always givin'- - You know how people give you lots...

[Vanessa] But he's the only one that smokes the good cigars.

His friends just think they smoke Cubans.

He puts Cuban labels on the cheap ones he gives them.

That-That... That's not true. That's not true.

See, see, see, uh, Chuy, he only smoke a little bit.

I tell him these cigars cost twenty dollars a stick.

You just don't keep wasting em' like that. Clyde, what would you do?

Hey, you right, you right. You gotta smoke it all the way up.

- You know what I mean? - What else you got there, Nessa?

Have you ever noticed how he's always calling himself Bernie Mac?

Bernie Mac so great. Bernie Mac so smart.

Bernie Mac just likes to say "Bernie Mac."

- You know, I did notice that. - Bernie Mac ain't amused.

First of all, I ain't... I ain't that kind of vain.

I'm not that vain of-of a person.

Plus, he's been nice to you guys all week...

but you don't hear what he says about you when he comes home.

- Oh, and what does he say? - Let's -Let's move on with this here.

Go ahead, Nessa.

Well, he says that that lady is lucky she works in radio.

[Line Clicks, Dial Tone]

- I didn't... l... l... Let's take another caller. - [Clyde] Yeah, let's do that.

Let's do that. All right. All right. Let's see. What we got here?

Uh, we got, uh, Chuy on line three. What's up, Chuy?

You're on with Bernie Mac. Chuy?

Chuy, we need you to speak right now.

Look, I ain't never tried to hurt you. I never said nothin' about your mama.

Now my man Chuy won't even talk to me.

And I lost my Cuban connection.

And I still gotta go in tomorrow.

I'm tired of this. It ends today.

Hey, listen.

I wanted to talk to all of you all.

- Where's your brother? - Here I am.

I'm Backwards Man. [Chuckles]

Isn't that stupid? You can use that in your act tomorrow on the radio.

Jordan, come over here and sit down. I'm not usin' nothin' in my act.

You're not gonna be in it, so you might as well stop your antics.

And zip your pants up. I can see your ass.

[Zipper Zips]

Now, look. I know you all are very upset with me this week...

because of the things I went on the radio and said.

And I want you all to know that I'm deeply sorry.

But you all need to understand, I went on the radio with great intentions.

I went on the radio to make people laugh.

'Cause that's what I do. I'm a comedian.

And the last thing I want to do is hurt the people I love the most.

But y'�ll gotta let me be me.

I just happen to know how to make fun of my problems.

And to Nessa...

I wanna say I'm sorry.

I said some things about your mother I know that hurt you deeply.

But what you gotta understand, sweetheart... That's my sister, and I love her too.

And wejust deal with our pain differently.

And no matter what the outcome is...

I love you guys.

Despite what I might say.

We cool?

All right. Go on to your room.

- Uncle Bernie? - Yeah, baby girl.

You didn't say anything bad about me on the radio.

[Chuckles] Baby girl, go to your room.

I heard everything that you said.

And it was very sweet.

I'm fine if you're fine.

Well, I feel much better now.

I'll feel even better if you drop it like it's hot.

- Drop it with me, baby. - Ooh.

Ooh! [Chuckles]

I won't mention Halle Berry if you don't mention Roland.

Roland? I'm just kidding.

- Mm-hmm. - I love you, Wanda.

- I love you, too, baby. - Come on.

Wanda. Wanda.

Bernie, it's time.

I know you're right.

I just can't believe she's gone, baby.

- What am I gonna do, Lord? - Bernie, I mean, she was cute.

But you got to get over this.

- Come on. - You think I won't?

- What time our flight, baby? - Now.

- What? What? - Bringing Halle to my funeral!

Baby, you dreaming about Halle?

No! Not anymore! I'm up!

- I was too. [Laughs] - Oh, you in trouble. Boy, you...

I'm tellin' you. I'm so glad she gone, I don't know what to do.

- You know? - She had cute toes, though.

- Yeah, she don't cook. - She did have cute toes, though.

- What's wrong with that one? - That one broke.

Okay. [Beep] y'�ll. Okay?

I've had about enough!

I don't know why you married her in the first place.

- Well, l... - I tell you why he married me.

- Cause, I'm the... [Beep] - Get your ass out.

- Oh, I'll get my ass out. Where my pumps? - Don't make me take...

- You better... Help me! - Oh, Lord!

[All Laughing]