Original subtitles

kay, man.

You're okay. - [breathing heavily]

- Probably just need to, uh...

Did anybody call 911? - I did.

They're here.

- Thank God you're here. We didn't know what to do.

- Why aren't you treating him? - We're just actors!

- All right, sir, do you know where you are?

- Shooting a commercial for Twicey Spicey chicken wings.

- We were supposed to blast G. Douglas with a hose

because his mouth is burning from the wings.

- Knocked the wind out of him.

- Twicey Spicey wings.

Man, I love Twicey Spicey wings.

[old man voice] "With wings this hot,

you better call the fire department!"

Wonder if that guy's here?

'Scuse me, is that old prospector here?

- Shh. - What? I wanna meet him.

- He's not gonna be here.

- Thank you for your service, sir.

- I'm a woman. - Oh. In your uniform,

you look like a guy.

A cute guy.

- Fucking actors.

- Hey, keep it professional, probie.

- Come on, man. - Hey, man.

I'm a captain too. Hey, I was wondering.

Is it kosher if I tilt my helmet back

so the camera can see more of my face?

- Yeah, I don't see why not.

Are you okay? Your mouth isn't moving right.

- Oh, yeah, ha ha. It's the fake moustache.

I can't move my upper lip or it pops off.

- That's a fake moustache? - Yeah.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

Get outta my sight.

- That's just mean.

- Fake moustache.

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

- I got some toast, I got some pig.

- Nice pig! [laughs]

- You like pig? I'll eat some pig.

- Morning, everyone.

- Morning, Chief! [laughter]

- Hey, Chiefy, did you get two scoops of ice cream

in that hat when you bought it?

- What's that supposed to mean? - You need a bigger hat.

- It's not a small hat. I have a big head.

Hats looks small on me.

My mom used to say

I was cranially endowed.

- But if all hats are so small,

why don't you just not wear hats?

- Why can't I wear hats? You wear hats.

- Okay. - Why can't I wear hats?

- Because you look like Babe Ruth,

circa 1927.

[laughter] [door opens, closes]

- 'Sup, y'all? Guess who just got accepted

in Tacoma's Firefighter Choir.

This guy! - Oh!

- All right, dude. - Congrats.

- Is that the a cappella group

that does the national anthems and whatnot?

- Yeah, charity events, concerts.

They're the best singers in the fire department.

And the new choirmaster

says that I'm a unique talent. - What?

- Now, I don't mean to be a dick here...

- Which means you do. - But a cappella

is the most asexual thing a man can do

short of cutting off his nuts

and sealing them inside a pumpkin.

- I just so happen to like

a cappella music. - It makes my dick shrivel.

- For me, it's seeing guys in clogs.

I see that, and my VJ just goes cold.

- Lucy! Language! - What?

I said VJ. - It's not ladylike.

- I've heard dick shrivel,

dick, balls, sack all in the last minute,

but I say VJ once and you get all up in my VJ?

- Lucy! - What?

It's such a double standard!

I live with guys. I dress like a guy.

Today I got mistaken for a guy.

But heaven forbid I talk like a guy.

Vagina. - All right.

You made your point. Guys, no more dick talk.

- That's not the point.

The point is the double standard.

Vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina,

vagina!

- I didn't mind them until the yelling ones.

- Chief, our usual rehearsal space is booked,

so I was wondering if we could rehearse here this week.

- No. - Because he said no,

I say yes, of course you can.

- Ha ha! - Such a vagina move.

- ♪ Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ Hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ I've got a fever of 103 ♪

- ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ Come on, baby, can't ya do more than that ♪

- ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

- Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I will tell you who's hot blooded.

This guy!

Spencer, I said tempo allegro.

Which part of that is not English?

Paulson, if your mission was to suck turds

with more force than an airplane toilet,

then mission accomplished! - Sorry, sir, I'm sorry.

- Granny!

I love it! I love it!

What you did with the solo

and the vibrato and the allegro...

- Thank you, thank you. - Oh, ha ha!

All right, let's take five. - What the hell, dude?

- Hey, Granny, the choir director

is Wolf Boykins? How could you not tell us that?

- Why would I? - Last time we saw him,

he was impaled by a fence post.

- Don't make a big deal-- - What the hell is this?

Who let you in here? - Eddie Penisi.

We...meet...again.

- Wolf Boykins-- funny, you eating a Danish.

The last time I saw you,

you were a little bit Polish.

- I don't get it. - You had a pole

sticking right through your chest--remember that?

- Yeah, thanks for reminding me of the worst day of my life.

- No problem. - Except the joke's on you,

'cause it turned out to be the best day of my life.

That puncture wound created a cavity in my chest

which gave me perfect pitch.

♪ Do, re, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪

- Good for you. Good for you.

That's great. Hey, choke on that coffee.

Chug that coffee.

- That's how I always drink it. That's fine.

- You know what, your voice does sound really good.

You should get yourself a singing group.

- I already have one!

And they're awesome!

All right, from the top.

♪

[in same tone as note] Try not to be flat

you stupid assholes.

- No wonder she thought I was a guy.

These uniforms, they're so mannish.

- I know, that's what I like about 'em.

Shows off my meat.

Oh, sorr--no, I mean,

hey, you're packin' some pretty serious meat too.

- That's not what I'm going for.

It's just my pant

where it's tucked in. [groans]

- That shirt really shows off your pecks.

Like, you look strong. - But I want 'em

to look like breasts. - I don't really see that.

You look like you could handle yourself

in a tough situation. - Ike!

- What? No, you look husky, like...

look like Steven Seagal!

- [chuckling]

- Hey, Chief, we need to talk. - Hey, check this out.

I found this company online. They make hats for big heads.

It's called Big Head, Tall Head.

They make all these funny hats with cool sayings,

funny logos--look at that. [chuckling]

Huh? Great!

- Honcho? - I'm the honcho.

This is my head-- Head Honcho.

- I have clothing issues of my own.

We haven't updated these blues in decades,

and I think we need to find something a little more

functional. - What do you mean, functional?

- Our job requires freedom of movement,

and this material's super stiff and it doesn't breathe.

I just don't think it was designed with women in mind.

It's so tight up top, but if I get a bigger shirt,

then there's all this extra fabric down here

and it gets all bunched up in my pants.

- I get it. This is a vanity thing.

Dismissed. - Hey, don't dismiss me.

- [sighs] Lucy...

You should take pride in your work,

not your appearance.

Look at me--vanity does not enter into the equation.

- Why did you buy that big hat?

- Because I'm cranially endowed!

- Exactly! That's the whole point!

This uniform does not fit women properly!

Do you not see that? - I'll tell you what.

We need some new uniforms anyway.

I was gonna take care of it,

but why don't you go to the uniform store

and pick out something that works for everyone.

- Really? - Really.

[slap] Thank you! - [clicks tongue]

- Hey, have a great day, Honcho.

- Yowza.

I like how tiny my head looks.

- ♪ Let me lay it on the line ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ What you're doing ♪

♪ After the show ♪

- Stop, stop!

Granny, you were sublime.

The rest of you should die in a boating accident.

- I don't think anyone sounded that bad.

- No...they weren't bad.

They were ordinary.

And Wolf Boykins will not tolerate

ordinarity.

Need I remind you, we have a crucial gig coming up

at the assisted living home in Horsehead Bay!

- That came through? - It sure did, Mr. Buttinsky!

Now, I will cancel that gig.

So help me God, I will return that $25 deposit.

- Please don't, please don't.

- We need something...

extra.

- I can scat!

♪ Skiddly-bop ♪

♪ Skidd-ly-bop ♪

♪ Skiddly bop-dip-dap ♪

[continues rapid scatting]

- Shut your scat hole.

Who heard that? What was that?

- I don't hear anything. - That!

[distant whistling] What...is...

that?

[distant melodic whistling]

Where are you?

[melodic whistling continues]

♪ ♪

[water running]

♪ ♪

[dramatic chords]

♪ ♪

- [continues whistling]

- Why did it have to be you?

- Hey, Wolfie.

Do me a favor. Hand me my body spray.

And don't make me "axe" twice.

Seriously, Wolf, that's a weird place to stand.

What's up?

- This pains me to my core, but...

I need your lips in my ensemble.

Will you join the ExSINGuishers?

- Way too thick.

[Muzak playing]

So boxy.

- Name's Malone. [dramatic music]

My partner was murdered.

I'm gonna marry his widow

and raise his daughter as my own

and so help me God, I will clean up this town.

- And I'm his new partner.

I'm also a doorman.

Ma'am, you have a package waiting.

- You guys, I'm doing something here.

- All right. - Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Name's still Malone.

After I was kicked off the force

for a crime I did not commit,

I got a great job disposing of uranium

at the nuclear power plant. - Welcome aboard!

I am the yeoman purser of this cruise ship

and Malone's new business partner.

- That's correct! Put her there, partner.

- Guys, you're not helping me.

- I'd like to invite you personally to dinner

at the captain's table. - Ho ho!

- [quietly] At the captain's table.

[Muzak playing]

- Name's Malone.

I faked my own death on a cruise ship

so I could investigate who killed my partner,

his wife, their daughter, and my business partner

at the hazardous waste depot.

- And now you're a house painter.

- Uh-uh.

I'm an undercover priest! - Ooh!

- Undercover priest? - I'd buy that.

[rough French accent] Because I am a chef!

- Ah! - And his new police partner.

- [chanting "fake" Latin]

- We are done here. I have found what we need.

- I don't think we are. You need to confess!

- Come on, guys. - I'm also...

A priest dancer!

- [laughs] - Let's do one more.

- Yeah.

- Mmm...

I dunno.

- They're pretty flexible--I love 'em.

- But look at me, I've got like a muffin top

and a lumpy ass. - It's activewear.

and what is more active than being a firefighter?

I've got full range of motion. I can climb a ladder.

- I don't know if I can sign off on these.

- You look great!

You just need a codpiece like me.

I got another one in my truck.

- I already got one right here.

Yeah. - Oh, yeah, he's got one on.

- I don't want anybody to wear a codpiece.

- ♪ Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪

♪ Mi mi mi mi mi mi--♪

- Hey, hey, hey.

Speaking of mi, mi, mi, me is right here.

- Ohh...the maestro approaches.

This is gonna change everything.

I'm shivering.

All right, please Mr. Penisi,

show these turkeys how it's done.

- Let me get right in here.

Watch and learn. - Really?

- [quietly] It's cool. It's cool. I'm into it.

- We'll jump right into "Hot Blooded,"

Boykins' arrangement, second bridge.

Eddie, you come in on the downbeat.

Hopefully, these dipshits will be able to follow.

- You got it. - Try and keep up.

- Hey, I'm a captain, dude. - Yes, sir.

♪

- ♪ Now, it's up to you ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

[Eddie whistling] - ♪ We can make a secret ♪

♪ Rendezvous ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- [whistling]

- ♪ Before we do ♪

♪ You've got to get away ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ You know who ♪ - [whistling]

- Okay, stop. Eddie, that was pretty good.

Just--you're not quite on time.

- Okay. - No problem.

Come in on "before we do."

♪

- ♪ Before we do ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ You've got to get away from ♪

♪ You know who ♪ - Stop!

Eddie, just not quite on time.

- Okay, my bad. - It's not a thing.

Don't worry about it. Okay.

[ahem] Before we do.

♪

- ♪ Before we do ♪ - [whistling]

- ♪ You have to get away from--♪

- Stop! Eddie, I actually think I see your problem.

It's your embouchure.

- Embouchure? - Lip technique.

Don't worry. I can fix it.

- Oh--oh.

- Embrace it. - What do you mean?

- Tighter.

Tighter--ah yi yi!

We're not pulling carrots outta the ground here.

- Ha ha ha ha!

- All right. Keep your lips

just like...

[pop]

Gimme a C.

[softly] ♪

- [warbling note]

- I said keep your lips just like that!

Again. Stinky pinky this time.

- Mm.

- Bingo.

[pop]

♪

- [whistling note]

- Are you kidding me? - No, I-I just--

- You j-just what?

You just wanted to ruin everything?

- No, I-- - We'll do it again,

all right?

♪

- [whistling] - Not quite--again.

- [whistling] - You're getting worse.

Again!

-[ whistling] - Now you're flat--again.

- [higher note] - Now you're sharp--again!

- Enough, enough, I can't do it, all right, enough!

- You can't or you won't?

- I can't and I quit!

Okay? I quit! Stupid singing group!

Take everybody here in this group--

minus the ladies-- and shove 'em up your ass!

- You know what, that's fine,

because Wolf Boykins doesn't tolerate a--

quitter.

Okay, Paulson,

if you ever make eye contact with me again,

I will staple your nuts to your forehead.

All right, on three. ♪

- [whistling]

- You okay, buddy?

- Nah. I just got humiliated by Wolf.

- Okay. Well, if you need anything...

- Terry.

I quit the choir.

- [sighs] Okay...

Okay.

The choir, huh? - Yeah.

- Well, you did say it was silly.

- I know, but for a moment I thought I was special.

Now I know I'm not. - Ah, come on, Eddie.

You're special. - Remember that band

I started in high school-- Benjie Likes Pickles?

- Oh, yeah--whatever happened to that band?

- Well, we never actually performed.

I thought I had everything--

the moves, the hair,

the swagger.

Everything but the patience to learn the guitar.

- You didn't play the guitar? - No.

- You carried it around everywhere.

- Because I loved the attention.

When Wolf asked me to join the group,

it was my chance to be more than a poser.

To show people that I actually had talent.

But now I know the truth.

- Hey, let me ask you a question--who are you?

- Yeah, yeah. I'm Eddie Penisi.

- No. You're Eddie Penisi!

You got the moves. You got the swagger.

And you got somethin' else-- the lips.

- They call it embouchure. It's French.

- Well, I'm embou-sure you got what it takes, oui?

[both chuckling]

So you march your ass back in there,

and you show 'em you're Eddie Penisi.

- Okay, I will.

Honcho.

- Head Honcho. - It fits you.

It actually makes your head look kinda tiny.

- That's what I'm goin' for. - Yeah?

- Tiny head! - But listen, seriously,

these new uniforms-- they're hideous.

- Don't worry about that.

I'm just indulging Lucy on her vanity project.

It's gonna blow over.

It's just for the rank and file.

- Ahh. - We're not wearin' that stuff.

- It's a ruse. - It's for the suckers.

- Hey, Chief, here's your new uniform.

- Oh, uh, am I wearing one of these too?

- Yeah, of course. I got 'em for everybody.

- Thanks, Luce. Love the new uniforms.

- Awesome, whoo-hoo! - Yeah.

That thing's gonna fit you like a sausage skin.

- ♪ I'm hot blooded ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- Bravissimo. all: Yes!

- Grandberry Sauce, delicious as per usual.

- You know what else is delish?

A surprise serving of Penisi.

- Well, the prodigal wh-istler returns.

And like your whistling-- not quite on time.

- [laughs] You're not gonna beat me, Wolf.

- We'll just see about that.

Mmm... give me a C sharp.

- [whistling note]

- Sharper.

- [higher note]

- Sharper still.

- [higher note]

[all gasp]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I got something and it's brewing ♪

♪ Deep inside ♪

♪ I thought about giving up but a man's only got ♪

♪ Got his pride ♪ - [whistles note]

♪ The road to salvation ♪ - [whistles note]

- ♪ Is right here on my lips ♪

♪ I whistle to win ♪ - You're a waste, Eddie!

You're finished. You're out!

- No, don't do it!

Don't...you...

I got nowhere else to go!

- Then whistle!

- [whistling] - Harder!

- [whistles shrill note]

- You're ready, Eddie, you're ready!

- I am ready, Wolf. I'm ready.

- You magnificent son of a bitch!

You're ready!

- [weak warbling note]

- Wait, where did you get these sandwiches from?

- Jesse's. Jesse was there today; he made them.

- Ugh, I'm not gonna eat mine then.

- What? Why? - He still calls it Asian Slaw.

It's on his menu. It says Asian Slaw Surprise.

I'm like, what's the surprise, that you're racist?

- How is that racist?

- It's from what, General Asia?

[mellow rock music]

♪ ♪

- Cool!

You look like a speed skater!

- Chief, you might wanna adjust your FUPA.

- Oh, yeah. - A little bit more.

- All right, Lucy, I gave it a shot.

Now we're ditching the uniforms.

- What? Why? Everybody loves them.

- I hate 'em. - He doesn't like 'em.

I don't like 'em. I'm the chief.

What I say goes. - Station 24, extrication.

1642 Morton Avenue. - Ughh! Damn it!

Let's go!

- [whistling sustained note]

[all gasping]

- He ain't slowin' down, y'all.

- [holding note]

- Oh! - Ha ha ha ha!

- [laughs] How long was that?

- That single note was 17 1/2 minutes long.

- I got goose bumps. You're amazing!

- So amazing that I'm giving you Granny's solo.

- Huh? I worked on that for weeks.

- Granny, part of being on the team is doing

what's best for the team.

Paulson, the rest of you, let's go do some calisthenics.

- You stole my solo. - What do you want me to do?

- I want you to not do it! - I have to do it.

He gave it to me. - You don't even wanna be here.

[mockingly] "It's the most asexual thing

a man could ever do." You remember that?

- Yeah, I remember that. But now I like it.

You don't have ownership over this, Granny.

It means something to me too.

- I'm just hurt, man.

- [sighs] Oh, man.

[rock music]

- [laughing] - Carrot top!

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [laughing] You look like a potato on toothpicks!

- Mr. Incredible ate a pumpkin!

- Nice tits.

The girl ain't bad either. - All right, hey!

Nothin' to see here...'cept a guy with his head in a fence.

- Three minutes ago I felt like the stupidest guy on Earth.

Thanks for taking the heat off me.

- Cool frog eyes, dork!

- All right, that's enough outta you!

- Shut up! - We are first responders!

- I have to cut these probably...

[grunting]

- Uh...[stammers] do you mind

keeping your bulge out of my face?

- What time's the FUPA convention?

- Hey, that's enough!

- Who said that? - Who was it?

- Hey! - Was that you, sir?

- Martin, I know your father!

- Oof, it is packed out there.

- Ah, there's my little siren. - Hey, Wolf, what's chillin'?

- Well, I've got some good chill and some bad chill.

First of all, fresh batteries

have been installed in everyone's hearing aids,

so they'll be all ears-- "What? What?"

- Ooh, that is good chill.

- And now the bad chill. [sighs]

I have to cut your solo.

- W-what are you talking about?

- The seniors have a field trip tomorrow to Casino Hohomonga,

and they've moved up bedtime ten minutes.

- What if I do a shorter version?

- You could do that? - Yeah, I'll do anything.

I invited people. Please, please, don't cut it.

- [snickering]

I'm sorry.

I can't keep this up any longer.

I was never gonna let you do the solo.

In fact, I was never gonna let you perform at all.

I pumped you up, knowing that your ego

would lap it up like fresh cream.

I got you to join the group,

then I got you to care about the group.

[whispering] And now I'm taking it all away.

Because I hate you, Eddie Penisi.

I hate you so much.

[normal voice] And you've just been bitten by the Wolf.

[laughing]

- Hey, Jumbo, why's your ass so flat?

- Is that a tuna can in your pants,

or do you just have a weird dick?

- Maybe I went a little overboard with the uniforms.

- Nope, I get it now. I feel self-conscious.

I feel uncomfortable. This isn't right for my body,

and I know how you feel.

These guys can keep wearing their sexist uniforms.

We're gonna make some changes to your uniform

that make you more comfortable. - Thank you, Chief.

- I know the fence thing was embarrassing for all of us,

but I also have a soda can up my ass.

- Andy, soda can in the ass.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Turn around. - No, no, well, uh--

- Turn around!

- All right, songsters. Let's shooby-dooby-doo this.

- Wolf, we're not going on without Cap.

He's one of us. choir: Right, right.

- The man is a complete narcissist.

He mocked this group then came in and took your place.

- Maybe so, but he's still my friend.

And what you did was wrong, so either we all go on,

or we don't go on at all.

- Et tu, Paulson?

- ♪ I whistle to win ♪

- I see. Well...

you've all made your voices heard loud and clear,

and as your leader, I respect your solidarity.

So I will just go on by myself.

Bubble gum, bubble gum, bubble bum, bubble bum.

[ahem]

[heartbeat thumping]

[wavering note]

[blows hard]

Pfft--

[pitch pipe clatters]

♪ Bah bah bah bum, I'm hot blooded ♪

[off-key] ♪ Check it, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm h--" [voice breaks]

[ahem]

♪ I'm h--♪ [voice breaks]

Good night!

[crowd murmuring]

- Let's ExSINGguish this joint.

[triumphant music]

[pitch pipe blows note] - ♪ Bum bum bum ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ I'm hot blooded ♪ - [Eddie whistling]

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I've got a fever of 103 ♪ - ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- ♪ Come on, baby, don't you do more than dance ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪ - [whistling]

- ♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

- Ah, it's so nice to be back in the old unis.

- Right? My gut's hanging over my belt,

my ass crack is showin', my pants are baggy.

All is right with the world again.

- Ah, I look good in anything. I don't care.

- You guys, check it out. Pretty good, huh?

- Oh, you got a haircut. - No!

- I let her take it to a tailor,

girl it up a little bit. - Oh, yeah!

- I look so much better. When I saw my ass in the mirror

I was like, "Damn, I would tap that!"

- Okay, language, Lucy. Come on.

- Yeah, inappropriate. - Twicey Spicey for everyone.

- Oh! - Oh, nicey!

- Cap and I were a hit at the old folks' home.

They woulda gave us a standin' ovation

if they weren't strapped to their wheelchairs.

- And get this--Wolf is out,

but the group voted me their new leader.

- Okay, let me get this straight, Granny.

This guy mocks you relentlessly

for joining an a cappella singing group,

then he joins, acts like a dick,

steals your solo, then you guys vote him leader?

- In a nutshell, yeah, that's about right.

- And did he ever apologize? - No, we all know

that that's beyond his emotional capabilities.

- True, dat. And I still contend

that a cappella is douchey. What I've come to realize

is that I've been a douche my whole life.

- Wow! - There ya go.

- Should we treat these fine first responders

to a tune, partner? - Yes, we should.

♪ Twice as spicey ♪ - [whistling]

- ♪ It tastes so nicey ♪

♪ At $2 a bucket ♪ - [whistling]

- ♪ It ain't so pricey ♪

- Ugh, I got the dumb chills.

I'll have the buffalo.

♪ ♪