Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: The Hotel Splendide is a unique and marvelous place.

It's an ideal spot to rest or convalesce,

with full hydro spa facilities, no shortage of fresh fish,

and a friendly family atmosphere,

which hasn't changed since Mrs. Blanche died last year.

I've learned many things during my stay at the Splendide.

I've learned to always chew my food,

and that every cloud has a lining of some sort.

Maybe it's being so remote from the outside world that allows

me to see things this clearly.

Desmond says that the great thing about family run hotels

is continuity.

After his mother died, Desmond took over as manager.

And he's made no changes that I can detect,

so he must be right about that.

FEMALE VOICE: Taking small bites and producing plenty of saliva

to aid digestion.

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing,

until the food is reduced to an even, watery puree.

NARRATOR: Mrs. Blance recorded her theories on healthy eating

just before she passed on.

I can't help wishing she'd died just that little bit sooner,

and not had time to make the record before she went.

Desmond's brother, Ronald, is cook,

and has created a distinctive cuisine

based on seaweed and eels.

Their sister, Cora, runs the hydro treatments.

And Morton Blanche retired the day his wife died,

finally surrendering to chronic constipation.

Continuity, or change.

I think sometimes change begins with a fellow there.

A sound you've heard 100 times seems different,

and in a moment, the world's turned upside down.

Stanley!

MALE VOICE: Of the family [INAUDIBLE],

and originating in Egypt.

What was that?

MALE VOICE: I'll have to hurry you.

How come the... how come the... how come the...

MALE VOICE: The common cucumber.

NARRATOR: There's a time and a place for everything,

Desmond says.

That's the beauty of routine.

All as it should be?

Yes, Desmond.

Oh my god.

Yes.

At last.

Oh, at last!

Oh!

NARRATOR: I can't remember the last time a guest arrived here.

In fact, I think it was me.

But I'm certain of one thing... no

one who left has ever returned.

Why would they?

Mr. Blanche.

Yes, thank you.

So she's dead?

Yes.

Her heart.

Last year.

Let's talk in my office.

Shit.

You know, I think I've got just the thing for that.

Now, it might sting a little, but it works.

What happened to all the guests?

We still have them.

Just less of the riffraff.

Well, I'll need a room.

Well, I'm afraid that's out of the question.

Well, we'll see what your brother has to say about that.

Best to leave him be.

That's what you think.

Still using the slash and spread method, I see.

Remind them, Mummy.

FEMALE VOICE: Desire, like appetite,

is a disease to be tamed.

All corruption, both physical and moral,

emanates from the mouth.

What the hell is she doing here?

Quite.

She can't stay, Desmond.

I want her out of here!

Absolutely.

However, month till the next ferry.

That's her problem.

Get rid of her, now.

Of course, Ronald.

But there is the matter of decorum.

I mean, have you thought about what the guests

are going to make of this?

Sod the guests!

And sod you!

[CLATTERING]

Look at you.

Don't give me that look.

You hurt him terribly.

What, so he invites me back here and gets his revenge?

What are you talking about?

The note.

That the queen of the harpies was dead.

But why would he send you this?

It doesn't make sense.

Well, Cora, um... we were close.

Maybe that's why he never forgave you for running away?

It was monstrous of her to return, we all agree,

but he's turned it into a public spectacle.

An embarrassment to the hotel.

Ronnie's had a bit of a shock, but we

can help him to come around if we all stick together.

Daddy, this is improper.

He cannot be allowed to interfere

in management decisions.

Marvelous stew.

Chicken, was it?

That's right.

Long, black, slippery sea chickens.

And what did you get?

A drumstick?

We're trying to find a solution, Ronnie.

She thought you invited her back.

Right.

Well, she can stay until the ferry,

but she doesn't move from her room.

Well, uh... I wouldn't be the first guest to welcome you,

then? Stanley.

Stanley Smith.

Kath.

So why are you here?

For the hydrotherapy?

Hydrotherapy?

No, no, no, no.

No.

I'm excused.

Morton says you used to work here.

Is that right? Did you work here?

Yeah, about 1,000 years ago.

I was sous chef.

Sous chef.

Sous chef, of course.

Of course.

So, why did you have to leave, then?

Did something happen?

Um... yeah.

It did.

It did.

It did.

Yeah.

Um... there was a... a difference of opinion with,

um... the management.

With Ronald?

Is that why you're so angry?

No.

Not with him.

Never with him.

Be careful here.

You know, the spray... spray could come in at any time.

Be careful.

I'm to take you to your room.

[SIGH]

Hi, Sergei.

Hello.

Welcome back.

NARRATOR: The first day of winter

is now very special at the Splendide,

as it marks the ceremony of the heating being fired up.

I think it's an omen of a sort, that Cath

arrived on this very day.

Though I'm not sure it was a good one.

In memory of our beloved Mummy, on the first anniversary

of her passing.

[RATTLING]

Mr. Lyme?

[SCREAMING]

It's on.

What are you looking at?

Get your thumb out of your ass, and them dishes washed.

Oh, but please, wash that thumb first.

Richard is missing from the gramophone again.

I don't suppose you've seen it?

When you're done, take this to room 106.

Here we go.

[BEEPING]

Oops.

Landed on a disease.

Diverticulitis.

Come on.

It's easy.

Three symptoms.

Diverticulitis... Um... that's cramps,

constipation, rectal bleeding.

Wrong.

You're dead.

Does... does that mean I can off to...

What a waste.

Go on.

Oh.

[INAUDIBLE]

[CLATTERING]

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I don't know!

What I'm doing here.

God, I feel like an idiot.

You didn't send the note, did you?

No.

You, um... owe me an explanation.

For leaving.

You could have followed me.

How?

Morton knew where I would be.

Daddy?

Yeah.

We never...

That's not enough.

I mean, you left.

Start talking.

Ronnie.

What good would it do?

We couldn't have gone on without you.

We didn't even have a sous chef anymore.

I thought it would all blow over.

You were both so young, and...

And?

And?

Mummy would have murdered me.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

For once, Mummy was dead right.

Excuse me.

Where is he?

Spit it out!

Perhaps you can tell me what we're

going to do about luncheon?

She breaks the rules, simple as that.

Only room for one cook in my kitchen.

And besides which, I prefer it out here.

Ronald, come back inside.

We're not going to let her get the better of us?

Um... luncheon is off.

I'm afraid Ronald is ill.

Nothing life threatening.

So, if you'll just bear with us, we'll soon be back to normal.

In the meantime, we will be making

alternative arrangements.

Cora?

Um... this is an excellent opportunity

for a healthful fast.

Participants should make their way to the treatment rooms

for complementary purgatives.

Oh, no.

To enhance the process.

NARRATOR: Hunger is sharper than a serpent's tooth, it is.

And a simple omelette can be a dangerous thing

in the right hands.

Absurd, isn't he?

His behavior is inexcusable.

He has an excuse.

Goodness' sake.

Now, I have something to show you.

Oh my god.

What is all this?

Mummy's dream.

She hooked up the hotel sewage system

to this methane converter, which provides

unlimited gas for the boiler.

It's a sealed system.

As long as the guests eat and... You know... there's as much heat

as we'll ever head.

She died a few days before it was finished.

Never saw it working.

It's too bad.

The first time we fired it up was for her cremation.

You see, it was her last request.

The best part of her... Not the physical part,

but her essence... Is in the hotel now.

She's joined with it forever.

Right.

That must be a great comfort to you.

It is.

It really is.

You know, Kath, I had a hard job convincing

Ronald to let you back in.

I really think he would have allowed you to die out there.

I put my neck on the block for you.

I was happy to do it, but it may have cost us the hotel,

if this situation continues.

And?

And I thought maybe you might be able to do

me a favor in return?

Kath, would you cook for us?

What?

It's the only way.

For the good of the hotel.

No.

Too hot?

Nonsense.

Well, I'm staying here until things are resolved

with him, one way or the other.

If I'm in the kitchen, then he'll have to stop pretending

that I don't exist, won't he?

Can't you see what he's going through?

You've not been chewing your fish,

and I've warned you about that.

Cora?

What on earth are you still doing in this place?

What does that mean?

I mean, my god, it was hellish enough before,

but this is as bad as it gets.

It's my family home.

There's life out there.

Aren't you even curious?

Yes, of course I am.

But I'm needed here.

The treatments.

Forget the enemas.

This bunch of stiffs need firecrackers up their asses.

Don't you?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

He'll never forgive you.

Fish stew is off.

Puttanesca is on.

FEMALE VOICE: The unhealthy intestine craves stimulation,

and must be trained rigorously.

Boiled food is most readily digestible.

Boiling has the added advantage of removing excess flavor

from certain ingredients, and is thus generally

the preferred methods.

Our... our portions are unequeal.

Well, she's taken a dislike to you, obviously.

FEMALE VOICE: Blanching and poaching is also acceptable,

but ingredients may never be friend or sauteed.

Better to submit to intestinal surgery

than allow one French fried potato

to find its way into the colon.

NARRATOR: Man cannot live by fish alone.

Whoever said that knew what they were talking about.

Don't worry, Daddy.

Its not for long.

How was your dinner?

Puttanesca.

We had puttanesca.

It means prostitute in Italian, she said.

Oh.

Well, how apt.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Don't you think?

Yes.

Yeah.

I used to think so.

Did you do it with her?

Naked, like... in the magazine?

What's it to you, Stanley?

Desmond says I've got a dirty mind.

But I've gotta know about these things.

Yes, we did.

But that's all you're getting.

Is that why she had to leave?

Because she was staff, and you were management?

Do you think it's true that every dog has its day?

Every dog?

I believe that.

I do.

Good for you, Stanley.

Good for you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Kath, dinner was superb.

A triumph.

Though a little rich, to my mind.

A little regime, you know?

Well, um... considering the available ingredients,

I'm flattered.

Anyway, I came to proffer my thanks,

and just add a tiny word of caution.

Hello.

You're a master chef, aren't you?

You know, I bet you could make anything.

I bet you could make desserts.

Really, Stanley, I'm surprised at you.

I Really am disappointed.

You've ruined the evening.

Oh, god.

Always in the larder.

I'm taking over.

You can leave now.

Ah.

And why is that?

Because you're wrecking the regime.

Because the guests like my food.

And if they like it, it can't be doing them any good, right?

These people are sick.

Yeah, sick of your food.

My... my cuisine is the one thing

that is keeping them alive.

Cuisine?

What... cuisine... you wouldn't know a cuisine if it

came up and bit you on the ass.

I won't go.

If you put it to a vote, the guests will choose me.

So I'll make you a deal.

Let's put your wonderful cuisine to the test.

You come back, and I stay until the ferry.

But not as sous chef.

As equal.

Two menus, mine and yours.

And if they're not all eating and thriving

on mine my boat time, I go, and that's the last

you'll ever hear of me.

And if they are?

What's the matter?

You losing your nerve?

No.

Then it's agreed.

MALE VOICE: And thanks to our listeners, who have

kept those recipes flowing in.

So, finally the moment of truth arrives,

and I have the pleasure of introducing

Doreen Fisk, last year's winner, to announce

the jury's decision.

DOREEN FISK: The winner of the award

for the best historical dish of the year goes to...

Oh, bugger!

Bugger.

MALE VOICE: Excellent.

And now a...

I've been meaning to ask you, what is that filthy thing

doing in my kitchen?

That is a present for you.

And I'm putting it to better use.

FEMALE VOICE: One has only to witness this virile palate

to know that the chili pepper has been at its ulcerous work,

deep within the soft intestine.

Most cuisines exist for the purpose

of inducing the foolish to gorge On all their stomachs can hold,

and more.

When I set eyes upon a table loaded with so-called gourmet

foods, I only see what lies beneath the facade... tumors

and polyps of the digestive organs,

livers black with cirrhosis, joints distorted by gout,

and spined kidney stones, massive and impassable.

Try it now.

Still nothing.

Shut it off!

Good to see you back in the kitchen again.

Minding the shop.

Though I'm surprised you haven't booted her.

That muck she's serving up... it's full of spices.

Pure poison.

Yeah, well you put her there.

Ronald, it was her idea.

You put us in such a jam.

What else could I do?

Too much.

You're killing me.

I can assure you, this is pointless

and extremely harmful.

It is the one thing keeping you alive,

as you should very well know.

Besides, I think you secretly like it.

Professor [INAUDIBLE] has proven

the lethal dangers of light.

You only have to look at the fourth digit of the loris lemur

to find all the proof you need.

Everyone else here manages to get up in the morning

and sleep at night without ill effect.

You can't be serious?

Just look at them.

They're all deranged.

Well, you're getting weaker.

What you need is to eat and sleep normally.

You might even enjoy the new lunch menus.

Maybe.

But they refuse to let me take my meals at night.

It is killing me.

Well, we aren't nocturnal, and we aren't descended

from lemurs, Mr. Gorgonov.

Ah... isn't that better?

Oh!

Oh my god!

Oh!

Oh!

[SHRIEK] Enough!

Stop!

Enough!

God!

How come that Stanley kid's excused from this?

He doesn't like water.

His parents were friends of Mummy.

They brought him here.

They paid for his upkeep.

Not that it does him much good, poor thing.

How about a zits bath?

Absolutely, definitely not.

Do you really like those sun treatments?

Like them?

Are you crazy?

They allow me time with Miss Blanche, during which we have

many stimulating discussions.

Stimulating discussions?

Don't you think it's about time you tried something new?

Set her free.

I know how awkward it must be for you,

but at least you're there to keep an eye on her.

Goodness knows what havoc she might wreak if we

let her run loose in the hotel.

Follow me.

Now, don't run.

Here we go.

[WHISPERING]

[BANGING]

Oh, at last.

Little punts.

Get 'em in the bag.

I've been through all the record

sleeves, the files... nothing.

It's heartbreaking.

Meals just aren't the same.

It's only a record.

It's her voice.

Mummy's voice.

I'm sure it will turn up.

Just the one crayfish left?

Well, I'm not having that other thing.

That homeopathic soup.

She can have that.

One crayfish, one Potiphar.

Thanks.

Four crayfish, one Potiphar.

Leave those, and get four ready!

Get two more, and put 'em in the pot.

You'll upset the boy.

You, out!

Don't worry.

We're not going to make you kill them.

Somebody's going to have to do it.

I'm not a bloody octopus.

[SCREAMING] Oh, shit!

Think I'll go and freshen up.

What are you looking at?

People who want to eat out there.

(SINGING) I get constipation whenever you're not here.

My guts, they get all frozen.

My belly feels all queer.

It's nothing that I've eaten, I'm careful how I chew.

My allergies are all controlled.

I think it might be you.

I went to see my doctor about my number twos.

He says the strongest laxative is seeing more of you.

[CLAPPING]

With that talent, you should be on the mainland.

The mainland?

Yes, the mainland.

I've thought about that.

I... I really have.

Then what are you waiting for?

Waiting for?

Well, I couldn't.

I... I can't cross the...

You came here on the ferry, didn't you?

The ferry?

I did.

That's right, boy.

Across the water.

I did.

I did.

I remember.

And why did your parents send you here?

They said I... I needed treatment.

They... they said I had unclean urges.

Unclean urges?

What's wrong with that?

No, Stanley, you're confusing yourself.

It was the water.

Remember?

Because you're so afraid of water.

But you're much better now.

Very stable, aren't you?

Yes, I'm very stable.

Because you stick to your regime, don't you?

Do you like being stable?

Naps.

Secret of a balanced constitution.

Little naps.

Five or six times a day.

[GRUNTING]

All those years she blatantly favoritized us.

I never took Ronnie's side.

I never once stood up for him.

[GRUNTING] There is a definite impaction

in the transverse colon.

[GRUNTING]

Better?

I am!

I am!

I am.

I found you all.

Unblocked?

That's better.

That's better.

Dear angel, you're the only one who understands.

What is it?

Please to follow?

This isn't, uh... a very good time, Mr. Gorgonov.

My god.

My god.

Sergei...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

May I have the pleasure?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUFFLED VOICES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLAPPING]

For you, Kath.

For you.

I was, uh, wondering if you could help me?

Help is... well, help is what we think I need.

And being here has... has helped me.

I really... I really think it has, but there is more to this,

isn't there?

There's definitely more than this.

Kath, the thing that grown up people do... well,

I've never done it.

And I was wondering, if I did, it would help me

to be a man, instead of a boy.

There's no one here, Kath.

There's no one but you, and I think you're wonderful.

Would you... would you think... well,

could you think about doing that with someone like me?

I'm not what you're looking for, Stanley.

Do you know how many girls are on the mainland?

I mean, you're a good looking man.

Did you know that? - Good looking?

I'm just looking.

Stanley, you're too good for this place.

Just don't get trapped here, like...

Like you did.

Like I... almost did.

She's out there.

Stanley.

Waiting.

Yeah, out there, but... the water.

But you weren't afraid of water before you came here, were you?

Try.

Try to remember.

I should leave now, shouldn't I?

While I still have the chance.

Thank you, Kath.

Thank you.

Bye, Kath.

If you want to help, you can get

started on those [INAUDIBLE].

How can you still be here?

This isn't so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Ah... ah... ah!

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

I thought if I could just hang on,

it might be possible to change... really change things.

Must have been out of my bloody mind,

with Desmond running the place.

Come.

Come!

Oh... come on.

Come on.

Get up!

Come on!

[COUGHING]

Whoa!

No!

No, I won't go back!

Stanley!

Stanley!

Stanley!

I won't!

No!

What were you doing, Stanley?

Stealing away.

I was leaving.

I thought I was ready.

You told me I was.

I did.

But I... I got it wrong.

I need more time here.

It's me.

I'm unstable.

That's not your fault, it's mine.

Yeah, well, um... you get some rest, eh?

Aye.

Get your strength back.

My strength.

Right.

My strength.

[WATER GUSHING]

Ah!

Bugger!

No!

No!

Aye, the [INAUDIBLE].

Check the methane converter again.

It's running at full capacity.

They're shitting too much.

What?

The guests.

The system was designed for this much shit.

It's running too rich.

She's poisoning us with her filthy food.

You want my opinion, the Smith boy may only

be the first of her casualties.

It had nothing to do with her cooking!

Well, well.

You prefer Ronald to me, you do.

I can tell.

He can swim well.

He's mature.

He's not that mature.

Kath, get away.

Get away now.

Take him with you.

She's too strong.

She's too strong.

You promise me.

Promise.

Well, this simply cannot be allowed to continue.

The system is breaking down, and there

was nearly a death last night.

I've done everything we discussed.

There are daily special offers.

It's not my fault...

Nobody's blaming Cora.

Are we, boys? - No, no.

Of course not.

But treatment is her department, and enemas are extra.

The hotel simply isn't viable without that revenue.

But Ronnie, what are you saying?

There must be something we can do.

They don't go for treatments because they

don't need them anymore.

Don't need them?

Of course they do.

It's part of the regime.

Daddy?

Well, I have noticed a certain remission in my own condition.

All this time I've been blocking them up with my food,

while Cora unblocks them downstairs.

It's just one of Mummy's little schemes, you know?

Scooping revenue from both ends.

Things have changed.

That's all.

No going back.

It's not just the colonics.

It's everything.

They're simply not interested anymore.

If we introduced massage, then they would flock.

Isn't that so, Daddy?

Well...

I will not touch them.

Nobody is going to make you do anything.

For goodness' sake, am I the only

sane member of this family?

We are in a crisis.

We all have to do things that we don't like.

Massage is a standard treatment in all the great hotels.

Kora... you go and talk to her, Daddy.

She listens to you.

It's a sensitive issue.

Really?

Well, would you want to touch them?

There is a conspiracy at work in the hotel... a rebellion...

And we all know who's at the bottom of it.

We have been through this.

Funny that you should be so anxious to protect her.

I wonder what Mummy would have made of this.

Oh, and I wonder what Mummy would have

thought of you and Lorna Bull?

Lorna Bull is a cheap little tart of no consequence to me.

I, uh, thought you seemed sad.

I'm not sad.

But it's kind that you cared.

I think about your bird a lot.

I keep seeing it in my mind's eye.

When will it be finished?

Soon.

It doesn't belong here.

It belongs in a place where it could be appreciated.

Somewhere wonderful.

Sergei... It's better if things remain as they always have.

I'm sorry.

I think Sergei Gorgonov is in love with me.

Well, it's only taken you 10 years to notice.

That's great.

No, Kath.

I want to die.

But you feel the same.

I know you do.

No, I can't do this!

Kath... all my life, I have lived with a terrible secret.

A knowledge that no matter what I do,

I will always remain ugly, and deformed.

Aw... what are you saying?

If any man saw my... Deformity, he would

stop loving me in an instant.

I don't understand.

Something is terribly wrong with me.

Down there.

Cora?

Cora, how did you discover this?

Mummy told me.

Um... Maybe she was wrong?

Maybe she lied to you?

How can you say that?

Because I think it's not true.

But I thought you'd understand?

Put on the cooker.

Now.

None of the bloody vegetables are on yet.

Well, that's because he took the vegetable...

Oh, for god's sake!

My [INAUDIBLE].

Get on with that.

MALE VOICE: That was a request for all

the kitchen staff at the Hotel Splendide, from Kath.

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn.

A word in your ears?

What?

About the cooking.

As I mentioned before, there have been

some complaints about the food.

Let's discuss this at the next family session.

Now is not a good time.

Then make it a good time.

Make it a good time.

Watch what you're doing!

I can't deal with this.

We're cutting out all the spicy muck,

and getting back to what we do best.

The cuisine for which the hotel is so justly famous.

I run this kitchen the way I choose to.

You're not running this kitchen.

And what exactly does that mean?

My god, listen to you both.

Grow up.

What have you done?

Yeah, we were all sick to death of that awful croaking.

It was a public service.

You've caused enough trouble as it is.

We should've left you on the beach.

Get out of my kitchen.

I will not have my staff maligned.

Oh, don't you speak to me like that.

I said out!

Get out!

That's methane.

That's methane.

Turn off the burners!

Turn off the burners!

[GRUNTING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Come on!

[GROANING]

You all right?

I'm never going back in there!

You won't make me!

What?

It's her!

She tried to kill us!

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

What?

What has happened to the standards here?

That's what I want to know.

[SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING]

Stop.

Please.

What you did today was improper.

You took her side in front of staff.

I should have seen it coming.

I knew you'd be ensnared by her all over again.

Look at what's happening here.

It's Mummy.

She won't stand for it.

You know what she thought about goings on with staff.

NARRATOR: The great thing about the Chinese language

is that the word for crisis also means opportunity.

What I want to know is whether being

gassed to death by your own waste counts as an opportunity.

Not cross still with me, are you?

No, Desmond.

I've arranged everything to make you happy.

But you... you don't seem to want... is it the food?

No.

Then what?

Desmond, I've tried really hard,

but I can't stand it anymore.

Can't stand it?

Can't stand what?

Well... it's not that you're culling the filth,

and the parasites, and... I dread to think what else.

I mean, most people are, and it's not your fault.

Although that flaking around your eyes and mouth

doesn't help things.

I've also found your fixation with the new cook

humiliating and insensitive.

Ridiculous.

Anyway, I've decided.

Her days at the hotel are numbered.

What I can't stand is that you never finish.

You know what I mean.

Oh.

I'll get back to my room now.

Lorna.

Yes?

I'm going to have to put you back on the full tariff.

It was an accident.

That's all.

But we both know what happened.

If you can't accept it, then you're still in her power,

just as much as everyone else.

And where did you get that?

Smuggled it in.

You could fire me for that.

[COUGHING]

Do you know what the day after tomorrow is?

Ferry day.

So, as I lost the bet, I'm packing my bags.

Seems to me you won.

No more cooking for me.

I'm off.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Come on.

Get up.

You were right all along.

I've been a fool.

Yeah?

How's that?

All these years, I never gave you

credit for what you were doing.

All I heard were their complaints about the food.

Endless winging.

But you held it together, without any word of thanks.

You recognized her vision, and kept this place alive.

You were unto her from the start, when I just

sailed ahead... buggered it all.

Well, she goes tomorrow.

You can be cook again, and the family

can do what they do best.

And her and her damn conspiracy can go to hell.

What do you say?

I say she stays.

What an absurd idea.

Must be heat exhaustion.

Kath is the best thing that ever happened to this place.

I only wish that last time, I'd stood up to our fucking mother.

Instead of pissing the last five years of my life away.

I see.

Well, it was just a suggestion.

So long as there's no bad feeling between us.

Of course not.

[WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING]

CORA: Who is it?

It's me.

Open up.

What is it, Desmond?

Mind if I come in?

Can't it wait?

No, it can't wait.

We have to talk about this business

with Ronald and this bitch.

It's happening again.

You're overtired.

Go back to bed.

We are family.

We have to stick together.

Nonsense.

Good for them, at last.

Little fool.

This is a catastrophe.

You've become a liability to the hotel.

You only remain here through my good grace.

You know that.

Please go away.

How long do you think you would last without me to protect you?

How long?

Or had you forgotten, Cora?

Had you forgotten in your passion for that vile Russian?

Have you told him about your deformity?

Or were you planning to surprise him?

[CRYING]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

She only had to twist her hand.

Such discipline.

My Cora... my dear... I sent the note.

I thought you could help her.

She loved you like a sister.

I knew it would come to this.

She is to blame, with her demon poisons.

Yes, well I'm still the manager of this hotel.

I am still manager, so I'm going to have

to let her go after we organize a funeral for poor Cora.

I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Shut your damned mouth, boy!

You're taking her side, too?

Mummy would never have betrayed me like this.

She would have stood by me to the end.

Mummy was a demonic old bitch!

That is a wicked, spiteful lie!

Well, there was always something

rather unwholesome about the way you worshipped her!

DESMOND: Senile old fool.

You don't know what you're saying!

[CLAP] Back to your room!

You know, Cora tried to make peace between us,

but she never could.

Over time, however cruel Mummy was,

however much I resented her, I thought

she was doing it out of love.

That she wanted the best for us.

I was a fool.

That woman couldn't love anybody.

She didn't know how.

Look, um... these are useless.

Um... I know another way.

Come on.

KATH: Have you ever been down there?

No.

This is the old coal shaft.

The main feed valve to the boiler is at the bottom.

I'm gonna close the damn thing down once and for all.

And after that, you and I are gonna leave.

Careful.

This is it.

Here.

[RUMBLING]

DESMOND: Traitors!

Run!

Well, we can forget about killing the boiler.

There's no way back.

Know another way out?

We'll just follow the smell of seaweed.

Edna Blanche.

Well, so much for her precious regime.

All those years we were suffering it,

she was down here stuffing her guts.

Mm... perfect.

Do you want some?

What doesn't kill you makes you fatter.

[CLATTERING]

Bloody wet.

[GASPING]

[COUGHING]

What are you doing here?

Been coming here for years.

It's the minerals.

Keeps me young.

You get used to the smell.

Oh...

[GRUNTING]

What... what do you think you're doing?

We're gonna make a cake.

Have you got something to say?

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[CLANGING]

[CLANGING]

In memory of our beloved Cora.

Right.

Who's first?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, so... you dried up hag.

You'd keep us from this?

From this?

[GLASS SHATTERING]

What is the meaning of this?

We're eating pudding.

Get away from that immediately!

This is a desecration of our regime.

This is our sister's wake.

Traitors.

All of you!

You never loved her.

I'll show you what want is.

You'll see!

KATH: Desmond!

RONALD: Desmond!

Oh, this is pointless.

Is it?

Is it?

I know what you're up to.

I knew as soon as I saw you go down.

Well, what has been done can be undone.

So, I'm going to kill your fucking cake.

Oh, Desmond.

Maybe he's right.

Die, damn you!

Damn!

[LAUGHTER]

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[RUMBLING]

Desmond!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

[ALARM RINGING]

DESMOND: No!

[SHOUTING]

Come on, boy!

Come on!

[SCREAMING]

No!

No!

[SCREAMING]

No, no, no!

Mummy, wait!

No!

Mummy!

[ALARM RINGING]

NARRATOR: I think life's a bit like cooking, I do.

It's not just about what goes into the pot,

it's what happens over the fire, that

changes it all into something different, and wonderful.

Usually.

Pity about Desmond.

He did try so hard.

I've learned many things during my stay at the Hotel Splendide.

Most of all that there is nothing so terrible

that it can't be overcome.

I think it's done me a lot of good, being here.

I really do.

But I think I'm ready now.

Ready for the mainland.

Everyone says I am.

Definitely.

So I must be.

I hope.

Come on, Stanley!

I know you can do it!

Go on, boy!

Run!

Come on, Stanley!

[SHOUTING]

Stanley!

Come on, Stanley!

Come on, Stanley!

Come on!

Stanley!

Come on!

Come on!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Stand up straight.

What do you call this?

The hotel prides itself on keeping up

the grand tradition of service.

Your slovenliness blackens the reputation of the Splendide,

and all of its loyal staff.

Next time you'll be given a notice.

Be assured.