Original subtitles

[man over loudspeaker] GETTING DOWN TO THE CONCESSION STAND.

SPEAKING OF THE CONCESSION STAND,

WHO LIKES BEER?

WE'VE GOT A SPECIAL ON BLUE RIBBON DOWN THERE.

NOW, GET DOWN THERE AND GET IT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, Y'ALL READY FOR THE MAIN EVENT?

LISTEN TO THEM RIDES REVVING.

Y'ALL READY FOR SOME POWERHOUSE CRASH—UP?

NOW, ON MY MARK.

NOBODY START TILL I SAY GO.

WHOA, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT AN EARLY GUY.

LOOKS LIKE AN EARLY BIRDIE.

[loud crash]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

[mellow music]

♪♪

[knocking on window]

HEY, MRS. GORE. CAN GAVIN PLAY?

GAVIN, HOBIE AND MAYNARD ARE HERE.

[thudding footsteps]

YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME, GENTLEMEN.

I COMMEND YOU.

(Mrs. Gore) BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, GAVIE.

I PUT A LITTLE PERILAX IN YOUR DRINK.

MOM, I TOLD YOU, I'M FINE.

I KNOW, DEAR,

BUT THIS WILL LOOSEN YOU UP JUST IN CASE.

[groans]

(Mrs. Gore) BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, GUYS.

WHAT'S PERILAX?

IT HELPS YOU TO GET SQUIRTY DUMPLINGS.

SHUT UP, HOBIE. HOW DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU USE IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, GUYS. LET'S FIGHT ALREADY.

FINE; IF YOU'RE SO READY, I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS, GENTLEMEN.

I CHOOSE EXCALIBUR.

WHAT?

SINCE MAYNARD HAS CHOSEN MY WEAPON OF CHOICE,

I AM FORCED TO USE A SECONDARY WEAPON.

THE MACE AND DAGGER.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, THE BATHROOM?

JUST SETTING THE MOOD, GENTLEMEN,

SETTING THE MOOD.

[soothing instrumental music]

♪♪

WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS?

WARRIORS, PREPARE TO CROSS SWORDS.

♪♪

ATTACK!

[both grunting]

HIT.

(Hobie) WARRIORS READY?

ATTACK.

THAT'S IT.

GAVIN, YOU STUPID DINGLEBERRY,

WHAT YOU LISTENING TO, WUSS TUNES?

TURN IT OFF!

HIT. OH, GOD.

MY EYE. YOU—— THAT'S AN ILLEGAL HIT.

YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED. I WIN.

[laughs] THAT'S WHAT YOU GET

FOR LISTENING TO THAT FAIRY MUSIC.

SHUT UP, ZERK. YEAH, ZERK JERK.

HEY, PIPE IT, SISSY.

AND SHUT THAT CRAP OFF BEFORE I SHUT YOU OFF.

MAKE US.

MAKE YOU?

ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T WE FIGHT FOR IT?

ME AGAINST YOU, GAVIN.

NO WAY; I JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE.

OH, YOU GOT HIT IN THE FACE.

FINE, BE A LITTLE WUSSBAG.

I'LL TAKE ANDRE THE NERD OVER HERE THEN.

OKAY, BUT I HAVE TO GET THE LONGSWORD.

ALL RIGHT, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A CRAP.

GIVE ME THAT OTHER LONG THINGY, THEN.

IT'S CALLED A SPEAR, CRAP FACE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED, YOU STUPID NERD.

JUST GIVE IT HERE.

(Maynard) COME ON, HOBIE, STAY ON THE OFFENSIVE.

YOU'LL BE FINE, OKAY? COME ON.

SPARRING PARTNERS, PREPARE TO CROSS SWORDS.

(Zerk) LOOK AT HIM.

LOOK AT THE BIG NERD DANCE AROUND.

WHATEVER, MAN. LET'S JUST FIGHT.

ATTACK!

LOOK AT HIM.

WHAT YOU DOING?

(Maynard) COME ON, HOBIE.

COME ON, HOBIE.

LITTLE NERD'S CHEERING HIM ON.

LOOK AT THE BIG MAN.

GET OUT OF HERE.

[groans] HEY, LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S LIKE A BIG OLD BEETLE WHAT'S ON ITS BACK.

HEY, ILLEGAL HIT. YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED.

HE WINS. GET OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, ZERK, POKE THAT PIGGY.

HEY, YOU BIG BULLY, QUIT IT!

FACE SHOTS ARE ILLEGAL.

[groans]

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE GETTING HIT IN THE FACE?

YOU BETTER MIND YOUR MANNERS, BOY.

ENOUGH.

SAVE YOUR STRENGTH FOR THE HIKE

TO DEER CLIFF FALLS TOMORROW, HOBIE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR KNEES START ACHING UNDER YOUR GIRTH.

WHAT'S AT DEER CLIFF FALLS?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

YEAH, NONE—YA.

YEAH, RIGHT, RETARDS.

PROBABLY LOOKING FOR ARROWHEADS OR SOMETHING.

SO WHAT IF WE ARE?

SHUT UP, MAYNARD. SORRY.

YEAH, WELL, THERE AIN'T NONE,

'CAUSE IF THERE WAS, I WOULD'VE FOUND THEM

WHEN I WENT LOOKING FOR THEM THREE MONTHS AGO.

MAYBE YOU WERE TOO UGLY TO SEE THEM.

YEAH, YOU'RE SO UGLY,

ALL THE ARROWHEADS RAN AWAY AND HID.

WHATEV, YOU LITTLE DORKS.

CAN'T MAKE THIS OUT OF FOAM AND DUCT TAPE.

YEAH, ZERK. LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

STUPID NERDS.

[energetic music over TV]

♪♪

[growling]

[whispering] OH, HELLO.

I AM DR. ARTIMUS SNODGRASS,

AND WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE SASQUATCH.

TODAY I WILL ATTEMPT TO ANSWER

SOME OF THE PENETRATING QUESTIONS WE ALL HAVE

ABOUT THE ANIMAL—— OR HUMAN BEING,

DEPENDING ON WHOM YOU LISTEN TO——

COMMON REFERRED TO AS BIGFOOT.

QUESTIONS LIKE, WHAT IS A SASQUATCH?

[gasps]

GAVIN, YOU HAVE VISITORS.

NOT TOO LONG. LUNCH IS ALMOST READY.

(Snodgrass) AND THE QUESTION——

(Mrs. Gore) OKAY, BOYS.

(boy) MRS. GORE.

HELLO, GENTLEMEN.

WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY PART OF THE REGION TODAY?

WE JUST WANT TO GET A VIDEO, DUDE.

WAIT, DON'T I ALWAYS SEE YOU TWO GUYS

HANGING OUT WITH SHANE BAGWELL?

YEAH, WELL, WE USED TO.

BUT HE WAS SO ANNOYING, WE STOPPED.

OKAY, WHICH ONE WERE YOU THINKING?

WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH. CAPTAIN EO.

NO CAN DO, BRETHREN.

THE LAST TIME SOMEONE BORROWED THAT ONE,

THEY LOST MY 3—D GLASSES.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE BIGFOOT VIDEO?

EXCELLENT CHOICE.

I WAS WATCHING THAT ONE MYSELF.

SWEET.

THAT WILL BE $3,

AND IT'S DUE BACK NEXT TUESDAY.

LATER,

DUDE.

[chuckles]

[gentle music]

♪♪

[Gavin screaming]

[imitating gun]

AH, I'VE BEEN HIT.

AH.

[indistinct speech]

AH!

SO WHY DO THEY CALL IT DEER CLIFF FALLS?

WELL, INDIANS USED TO CHASE DEER WITH BOWS AND ARROWS,

AND DEER WOULD GET SO FRIGHTENED

THAT THEY'D RUN RIGHT OFF THE BIG CLIFF UP HERE

TO THEIR DEATH.

AND THEN THE INDIANS WOULD CLIMB DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

AND GET THE DEER AND COOK IT.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE FIND SO MANY ARROWHEADS UP HERE.

WHOA!

[grunts]

IT STINKS.

HEY, GUYS, DO YOU SEE THIS?

[together] THE SASQUATCH.

WHO?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF BIGFOOT?

LIKE, THE BIG HAIRY GUY?

EXACTLY.

HE'S BEEN HERE. LOOK.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE STOPPED TO TAKE A BIG DUMP RIGHT THERE.

AT LEAST HE DOESN'T TAKE SQUIRTY DUMPLINGS.

SHUT UP, HOBIE.

COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO TELL THE COPS.

SCREW THE COPS.

LET'S TELL THE CLACKANOMAH COUNTY HERALD.

WE'LL GET OUR PICTURES IN THE PAPER.

SCREW IT. LET'S TELL BOTH OF THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

[gentle music]

♪♪

[music stops]

SWEET. NICE.

NICE SHOT, SHANE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT'S THE RUSH, LADIES?

WE FOUND SASQUATCH TRACKS. SHUT UP, MAYNARD.

SASQUATCH? YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE THAT VIDEO OF YOURS WE WATCHED LAST NIGHT?

YOU GUYS LET SHANE WATCH IT?

THAT'S IT. YOU'RE BANNED FROM RENTING.

WE DON'T GIVE A CRAP, YO.

(Shane) WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH YOU GUYS?

SHE'S JUST A FRIEND OF MINE.

I BET SHE'S WALKING OUT AHEAD OF YOU GUYS,

WASN'T SHE, MAYNARD?

YEAH, SO WHAT?

SO I JUST FIGURED OUT WHO LAID THE SASQUATCH TRACKS.

THAT'S ALL.

[laughter]

SHUT UP, SHANE.

MAKE ME.

WE REALLY DID FIND THOSE SASQUATCH TRACKS.

YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE, JERKWAD.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOU MOUTH IS, PUNK?

FINE, I'M NOT AFRAID.

OKAY, WELL, IF THERE ARE

REAL "SASQUATCH" TRACKS UP THERE,

THEN I'LL GIVE YOU THIS.

IF THEY'RE NOT, I GET YOUR ENTIRE VIDEO COLLECTION.

NO WAY.

TOLD YOU SO. HIS GIRLFRIEND LAID THE TRACKS.

FINE, IT'S A DEAL.

THANKS.

IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL HANG ON TO THE OTHER VIDEO WE GOT.

DON'T TRIP OVER YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FAT FEET

ON THE WAY HOME.

THEY WEREN'T TOO FAT FOR YOU

WITH THE NICKELCADE THE OTHER DAY.

OH.

YOU BETTER PUT THAT METAL—MOUTH DOG

ON A CHAIN, GAVIN.

SHUT UP, SHANE. SHE'S NOT A DOG.

YOU'RE A DOG.

OOH, YOU'RE SCARING ME.

BOO! UGH!

GET UP, GAVIN. GET UP AND FIGHT ME.

(boy) MUFFIN.

[laughter]

COME ON, TINKER BELL.

COME ON, GAVIN. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

YEAH, WE'VE GOT TO GET TO TOWN.

COME ON.

[sighs]

(boy) LUCKY, YOU KNOW THAT?

YEAH, GAVIN, YOU BETTER RUN ALONG.

[all laughing]

GOSH, THAT GUY'S A STINKING UGLY BUTT.

YOU KNOW, WE REALLY DID FIND THOSE SASQUATCH FOOTPRINTS.

SO HE'S THE ONE WHO'S GONNA LOSE.

THAT CHINESE STAR IS AS GOOD AS MINE.

COME ON. YEAH, HE'S SCREWED.

(Hobie) OFFICER, WE'D LIKE TO FILE A REPORT——

WE WERE UP ON THE TRAIL TO DEER CLIFF FALLS,

AND WE FOUND A NUMBER OF LARGE TRACKS.

WE THINK IT'S BIGFOOT.

BIGFOOT.

HEY, CHILLCUT, GOT A LEAD FOR YOU.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

OKEYDOKEY,

WE'LL WAIT FOR YOU AT THE TRAILHEAD.

CHILLCUT OUT.

THERE'S GONNA BE REPORTERS THERE.

SATISFIED?

I GUESS.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S LEGAL TO HAVE FOUR OF US

STUFFED BACK HERE WITHOUTS SEAT BELTS?

OH, RELAX, BIG BOY.

THE WAY YOU'RE ALL WEDGED BACK THERE

IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN A SEAT BELT.

NOW, IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT SOME PERSONAL BUSINESS

TO ATTEND TO.

SHE—RA, THIS IS HE—MAN.

OVER.

[woman over radio] THAT'S A GO FOR SHE—RA.

IT'S THE SASQUATCH AGAIN.

DROP EVERYTHING AND MEET ME

AT THE DEER CLIFF FALLS TRAILHEAD. OVER.

WHICH ONE OF YOU KIDS FOUND THIS?

I GUESS MAYBE I FIGURED IT OUT.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF

QUITE A CACHE OF EVIDENCE HERE, DON'T YOU THINK?

DO YOU THINK IT'S THE SASQUATCH?

WELL, IF IT WASN'T THE SASQUATCH,

WE SURE GOT SOME BIG DUDE WALKING AROUND HERE,

DUMPING THE BIGGEST FECES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE,

AND I'VE SEEN A LOT.

[laughs] AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

OH.

BLONDEEN.

THESE TRACKS ARE FRESH TOO.

YOU CAN TELL THAT FROM THE POOP?

NO, IT RAINED LAST NIGHT.

THAT MEANS...

THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN DUMPED EARLY THIS MORNING.

SO IT'S, LIKE, A MORNING DUMP?

I BETTER GET SOME CAUTION TAPE OUT OF THE CRUISER,

ROPE THIS AREA OFF.

YOU GUYS STAY HERE AND MAKE SURE NOBODY MESSES WITH IT.

BLONDEEN, BETTER GET ARTIE ON THE PHONE.

HE'S GONNA WANT TO SEE THIS.

(woman) OKAY, MELVIN.

YOU GET A SHOT OF THIS KID STANDING IN FRONT OF THAT FIND,

AND I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS, OKAY?

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?

GAVIN GORE.

AND HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE, GAVIN?

[chuckles] I THINK HOBIE LAID ONE LIKE THAT A WHILE BACK.

(Maynard) TELL THEM ABOUT THE CORN.

[woman over TV] AS YOU CAN SEE RIGHT BEHIND MY RIGHT SHOULDER,

THERE IS A VERY LARGE SELECTION OF FECES

FROM WHAT WE THINK COULD BE

THE SASQUATCH.

WE'RE BRINGING IN ARTIMUS SNODGRASS

TO DETERMINE WHETHER THIS IS INDEED A REAL FIND.

HE IS THE WORLD'S FOREMOST AUTHORITY

ON SASQUATCH AND SASQUATCH SCAT.

(woman) AND WHEN WILL HE BE ARRIVING?

(Chillcut) WELL, HE SHOULD BE ARRIVING HERE

WITHIN THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

(woman) WHAT LED YOU TO FIND THIS SASQUATCH FECES?

[Gavin over television] WELL, WE WERE——

I CAME TO GET MY VIDEO BACK.

NO WAY, LAMEWAD. YOU LOST.

WE TOLD YOU WE FOUND SASQUATCH FOOTPRINTS.

LOOK, IT'S ON THE NEWS RIGHT THERE.

WELL, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS——

[scoffs] YEAH, RIGHT.

OFFICER CHILLCUT'S MY UNCLE,

AND HE WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A DEER TRACK AND A SNACK PACK.

SO? SO.

HE SAID HE CALLED THAT GUY FROM YOUR STUPID VIDEO.

ARTIMUS SNODGRASS?

HE SAID HE'LL BE HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS

TO SEE IF THE TRACKS ARE REAL OR NOT.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

WE DIDN'T EVEN BET ON WHETHER THE TRACKS WERE REAL.

WE JUST BET ON WHETHER WE FOUND SOME TRACKS.

I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S BOOT WHAT THE BET WAS, ALL RIGHT?

IF HE SAYS IT AIN'T REAL, WE GET YOUR VIDEOS.

COME ON, JUST GIVE ME MY VIDEO BACK.

I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR STUPID CHINESE STAR.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME GO GET IT. YEAH.

[door slams]

[rock music]

♪♪

[knocking at door]

(Zerk) WHAT?

HELLO?

I'M OUT BACK GRILLING BRATS, SHIRTS.

ARE YOU EZEKIEL WILDER?

ZERK WILDER, YEAH. WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

I'M MR. ERNIE DALRYMPLE.

I REPRESENT BILFORD, COHEN, AND GREGG COLLECTION AGENCY.

SIR, DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR POSSESSION

A CREDIT CARD ISSUED BY THE NEW BANK OF FLANDERS?

YEAH, I KNOW I GOT ONE, BUT I DON'T EVER USE IT,

'CAUSE IT'S FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.

SIR,

IT WAS USED JULY 17, 1999,

AT A BURGERVILLE, FOR $5.17.

WHAT?

COULD I HAVE ONE SEMI—HUGE WALLA WALLA ONION RING...S

AND FOUR FRESH RASPBERRY MILK SHAKES?

OH, YEAH.

THE REASON I'M HERE TODAY, MR. WILDER,

IS THAT FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS,

THE BANK HAS ATTEMPTED TO REACH YOU BY LETTER...

BILLS? WHATEVER.

YES, THEY GOT THE NEW SABBATH TABS.

ROCK ON.

AND BY TELEPHONE...

HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

[snorts] STUPID TELEMARKETERS.

AND FINALLY THEY HAVE SENT ME TO GIVE YOU THIS BILL,

INDICATING THAT YOU OWE $1,438.93,

WHICH HAS RESULTED IN A LIEN ON YOUR PROPERTY,

PRINCIPALLY YOUR PONTIAC FIREBIRD,

IN THAT YOU RENT THIS HOME.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS ALL NERD TALK.

THAT I DON'T GET IT.

YOU HAVE UNTIL MONDAY NEXT TO COME UP WITH THE MONEY,

OTHERWISE THE TITLE OF YOUR AUTOMOBILE

WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO THE BANK.

HERE'S THE PAPERWORK

INDICATING SUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR YOUR TIME.

HAVE A LOVELY DAY.

HEY, MR. DALRYMPLE.

OOPS.

[flames crackling]

[laughs] IT'S BURNING.

LOOK AT HIS FACE. LOOKIT.

[laughs]

STUPID BALD NERD.

UH—OH. HEY, I'LL PAY IT.

OH, WAIT, I CAN'T. IT'S BURNED.

[laughing]

THAT STUPID——

SUCKS, MAN.

WHERE AM I GONNA GET 1,400 BUCKS FROM?

HOW CAN I OWE THAT MUCH FOR A $5 MEAL AT BURGERVILLE?

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

IT'S THEM FINANCE CHARGES, I RECKON.

THEY BUILD UP.

NO CRAP, GENIUS.

WHERE YOU FROM, HARVARD?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU STOP TELLING ME THINGS I ALREADY KNOW

AND COME UP WITH A WAY FOR US TO MAKE THIS MONEY?

'CAUSE AIN'T NO ONE TAKING THE FIREBIRD AWAY FROM ME.

[metallic screeching]

NOW, IS THIS OR ISN'T THIS AMERICA?

I THOUGHT WE LIVED IN A PLACE

WHERE THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T SCREW YOU OVER.

I DON'T THINK THE GOVERNMENT IS THE ONE SCREWING YOU.

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

WHATEVER, MAN.

THIS WHOLE COUNTRY IS FOUNDED

ON NOT TAKING CRAP FROM ANYONE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S ALL ABOUT FREEDOM, MAN, LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW, FREEDOM TO HANG OUT WITH A BUDDY,

DRINK SOME BEERS, SQUEEZE OFF A COUPLE ROUNDS.

[gunshots]

MAN, IF I COULD GET WITHIN 50 YARDS OF BIN LADEN.

(Shirts) CHECK THIS OUT.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS AT REPTICON

AND THAT GUY WAS SELLING THEM CHAMELEONS?

OH, GREAT. AGAIN WITH THE LIZARDS.

AND YOU WAS LIKE,

"HOW MUCH?"

AND HE WAS LIKE, "$300."

AND YOU WAS LIKE, "YEAH, RIGHT."

YEAH, DUDE, I WAS THERE.

I REMEMBER. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

WELL, WHAT IF WE GOT A BOY AND A GIRL

AND GOT THEM SUCKERS TO MATE?

THEN WE CAN SELL THEM BABY CHAMELEONS,

BUT WE SELL THEM FOR $299.

THEN PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE,

"WHY AM I GONNA GIVE THAT OLD GUY $300

"WHEN I CAN GET THEM SAME CHAMELEONS

FOR A DOLLAR CHEAPER FROM THOSE OTHER GUYS?"

(Zerk) HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE?

IF THE CHAMELEONS ARE IN HEAT,

PROBABLY...

THREE OR FOUR MONTHS.

THREE OR FOUR MONTHS.

I NEED THE MONEY IN TEN DAYS, IDIOT.

TOOK YOU THREE OR FOUR MONTHS TO SAY THAT.

WELL, THEN HOW ABOUT A LEMONADE STAND?

LEMONADE STAND. HOW ARE WE GONNA MAKE LEMONADE?

WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP, PLEASE?

I'M TRYING TO WATCH THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?

YEAH, FRANKIE, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?

AND WHAT IS THIS, MORE OF THAT LIZARD CRAP?

(Shirts) OH, IT'S ONE OF THEM LIZARDS THAT CAN RUN ON WATER.

BIG WHOOP, I CAN DO THAT.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN. I CAN.

IT AIN'T THAT HARD, DUDE.

ALL YOU NEED IS SOME FLIPPERS

AND GET GOING FAST ENOUGH.

I COULD TOTALLY DO IT.

YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S NOT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

OH, YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU, THE LIZARD WIZARD?

AT LEAST I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

WHY DON'T YOU PIPE IT, FRANKIE, BE A LITTLE POSITIVE?

IT AIN'T THAT HARD, MAN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL TO KNOW

THAT THE ONLY REASON THAT LIZARD'S DOING THAT

IS 'CAUSE HE'S GOT LONG, LIKE, WEBBY FEET.

THAT STILL DON'T MEAN YOU CAN DO IT.

ALL RIGHT,

WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS,

MOHAWK BOY?

YOU SERIOUS?

I'M DEAD SERIOUS.

ALL RIGHT THEN. 50 BUCKS.

ALL RIGHT, SUCKER.

HEY, SHIRTS, THIS THING GO ANY FASTER, DUDE?

THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL SHE'S GOT.

JUST GO, IDIOT.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I WILL.

SEE YOU ON THE SHORE, COMPADRE.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

[music slows]

♪♪

[groans]

HAPPY?

DON'T CASH THAT FOR A COUPLE DAYS,

OR YOU'LL BE SORRY.

LATER, GEEK—ZEKIEL.

SHUT UP, FRANKIE. GEEK.

IDIOT.

THAT SUCKS.

STUPID BOAT WASN'T EVEN GOING FAST ENOUGH.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GET A JOB.

JOB? I AIN'T GETTING NO JOB, DUDE.

THIS IS AMERICA, MAN.

PLENTY OF MONEY OUT THERE,

WAITING FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME

TO JUST WALK UP AND GET MY HANDS ON IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I GOT A BETTER WAY FOR US TO MAKE THIS CASH.

COME ON.

[chuckling] OH, MAN.

OOH.

JUST LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A NERD.

DINGED UP MY FOREHEAD, THOUGH.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT OF HERE? WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, DUDE?

WE GOT TO GET SOME BREWSKIS AND CELEBRATE, MAN.

COME ON,

THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD FOR US, DUDE.

PLUS, I GOT US A SWEET MOVIE TO WATCH AND EVERYTHING.

COME ON.

[spirited classical music]

♪♪

[energetic choral music]

♪♪

[groans]

OH, MAN, DOES MY HEAD HURT.

HOW'S THAT CUT FEELING?

MM, NOT TOO BAD.

I'M JUST HUNG OVER, IS ALL.

HEY, HOW MUCH MONEY WE MAKE?

ABOUT 77 BUCKS.

BOON.

DUDE, WE GOT TO STEP IT UP, MAN.

WE NEED TO BE AVERAGING AT LEAST $50 MORE A DAY TO MAKE IT.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SPENT 20 BUCKS ON BEER LAST NIGHT.

SHIRTS, HINDSIGHT IS 50/50. YOU EVER HEARD OF THAT?

MAYBE WE SHOULD START BUYING STUFF AT THRIFT STORES

AND SELLING IT ON EBAY.

[soothing instrumental music]

WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS?

♪♪

THAT MUSIC, MAN.

ANYWAY, MY MOM AND HER FRIENDS DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

THEY BUY OLD CRAP AND PAINT IT WHITE

AND THEN CALL IT SHABBY CHIC.

AND THEN PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET BUY IT.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE

WHAT PEOPLE PAY GOOD MONEY FOR ON THE INTERNET.

CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO YOU

'CAUSE OF THIS STUPID NERD NOISE.

♪♪

THAT'S IT, MAN.

YEAH, I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK.

(Zerk) GAVIN, YOU STUPID DINGLEBERRY,

WHAT YOU LISTENING TO, WUSS TUNES?

TURN IT OFF!

NO, SPUNKY, THIS IS MY CORN DOG.

[microwave beeping]

(Maynard) COME ON.

(Zerk) LITTLE NERD CHEERING HIM ON.

OH, NO, LOOK AT THE BIG MAN.

GET OUT OF HERE.

[grunting and groaning]

MY EYES. HEY, LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S LIKE A BIG OLD BEETLE WHAT'S ON ITS BACK.

HEY, ILLEGAL HIT. YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED. HE WINS.

GET OUT OF HERE, NERD.

YEAH, ZERK, POKE THAT PIGGY.

HEY, YOU BIG BULLY, QUIT IT!

FACE SHOTS ARE ILLEGAL.

[grunts]

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE GETTING HIT IN THE FACE?

(Zerk) YOU BETTER MIND YOUR MANNERS, BOY.

(Gavin) ENOUGH.

SAVE YOUR STRENGTH FOR THE HIKE

TO DEER CLIFF FALLS TOMORROW, HOBIE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR KNEES START ACHING UNDER YOUR GIRTH.

WHAT'S AT DEER CLIFF FALLS?

(Gavin) NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

(Maynard) YEAH, NONE—YA.

WHATEV, YOU LITTLE DORKS.

CAN'T MAKE THIS OUT OF FOAM AND DUCT TAPE.

YEAH, ZERK, LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

MAN, THAT KID LOVES THAT NERDY STUFF.

YOU SEE THAT STUPID SHIRT HE WAS WEARING? YEAH.

HE'S THE TYPE OF KID YOU WAS TALKING ABOUT

BUYING THAT CRAP ON THE INTERNET, YOU KNOW?

YOU THINK PEOPLE BUY,

LIKE, BIGFOOT—TYPE CRAP ON THE INTERNET,

LIKE PLASTER FOOTPRINTS AND JUNK LIKE THAT?

PROBABLY.

COME ON, WE GOT TO GET SOME SUPPLIES.

I GOT ME AN IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, CHECK IT OUT, MAN.

THIS OPERATION HAS TO BE TOTALLY LEGIT, YOU KNOW?

LOOK, WE'VE GOT TO GET INTO NEWSPAPER ARTICLES OR SOMETHING,

JUST SO PEOPLE KNOW WE AIN'T JUST A COUPLE OF IDIOTS

SELLING FAKE PLASTER CASTS SHAPED LIKE A BIG FOOT.

UH, WE ARE SELLING FAKE PLASTER CASTS

SHAPED LIKE FAKE BIG FEE——

SSH!

NO CRAP, DINGUS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE

THAT IT'S TOTALLY LEGIT, YOU KNOW?

YO, PEEP THIS, SHIRTS.

I'M GONNA ADD A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA

TO GET PEOPLE TALKING.

A BIG OL' SASQUATCH DUMPLING.

YOU HEAR A BUNCH ABOUT FOLKS

FINDING FOOTPRINTS AND CRAP, YEAH?

BUT YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT SOMEBODY

FINDING A SASQUATCH FOOTPRINT AND A SASQUATCH TURD.

SO I FIGURE, WITH THE RIGHT MIXTURE OF THIS COCOA POWDER,

SOME FLOUR, A LITTLE CORN FOR TEXTURE,

AND THE SECRET INGREDIENT...

AN EGG? EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS SMELL LIKE WHEN THEY GO BAD?

YEAH, KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU RIP A REESTY ONE

AFTER EATING A LOT OF FRUIT.

EXACTLY. YOU'RE TWO FOR TWO, SHIRTS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,

GET STARTED CUTTING OUT THOSE FOOTPRINTS

FOR THE BOOTS, MAN.

SCISSORS SHOULD BE IN THE SINK.

LET'S GO.

SCISSORS ARE IN THE SINK, SHIRTS.

WHERE YOU GOING?

WELL, I PROMISED MY MOM I'D BE HOME FOR DINNER.

NO, NO, NO, NO, WE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW,

BEFORE THE SUN GOES DOWN.

IT'S GOT BE LIGHT OUT.

BUT IT'S NUGGET NIGHT.

NO, I DON'T CARE IF——

SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE HAVING NUGGETS?

YOU'RE OUGHT TO LET ME COME OVER.

NO.

FINE, MAN, WHATEVER.

I DON'T CARE. I'LL GET MY OWN NUGGETS.

ALL RIGHT, NEW PLAN: YOU GO EAT YOUR NUGGETS,

I'LL GET MY HANDS ON MY OWN NUGGETS——

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HOW—— I'LL MEET YOU IN THE BIRD,

WE'LL GO UP TO THE CLIFFS TONIGHT, SLEEP IN THE CAR,

WAKE UP AT THE BUTT CRACK OF DAWN, AND DO THIS THING.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YEAH.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN I TRY THIS ON?

YOU SURE THOSE ARE GONNA FIT WITH YOUR THUNDER THIGHS?

MOM, COME ON.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

HURRY UP, THOUGH.

YO, CHECK IT OUT, SON.

THAT'S ROXIE.

SHE'S FREAKING HOT.

YEAH, BUT DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

SHE'S GOT MAJOR F.P.

F.P. WHAT?

YEAH, MAJOR FAT POTENTIAL, LIKE AS IN,

SHE'S GONNA BE PRETTY FAT WHEN SHE GETS OLDER.

MAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I SAW HER WITH HER MOM EARLIER.

TOTAL HEIFER.

[chuckles]

MOO.

MUUMUU.

[both laughing]

(both) MOO.

[gentle music]

♪♪

[scoffs] YEAH, RIGHT.

DID YOU LIKE THEM?

[electronic chime]

HERE YOU GO.

OH, I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

IT'S REALLY GREAT.

ME TOO.

I'VE SEEN IT, LIKE, A BILLION TIMES,

BUT I ALWAYS COME BACK TO THE CLASSICS, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I ALWAYS LIKE THE WAY HE TAMES PEGASUS.

ME TOO.

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU PAUSE IT ON ONE OF THE SHOTS IN THAT SCENE,

YOU CAN SEE THAT IT'S REALLY JUST A WHITE HORSE?

REALLY?

UH—HUH, BUT I STILL LOVE IT.

YEAH,

I LOVE ALL THOSE FANTASY MOVIES.

YOU LIKE FANTASY MOVIES? LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW, LIKE LABYRINTH.

WHAT ABOUT DRAGONSLAYER?

LADYHAWKE.

THE DARK CRYSTAL. LEGEND.

THE NEVERENDING STORY.

I THINK ONLY BOYS LIKE THAT ONE.

HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD WATCH CLASH TOGETHER SOMETIME.

YOU CAN SHOW ME THE SHOT WITH THE HORSE.

OKAY.

UM, I GUESS WE CAN DO THAT.

'KAY, SEE YOU LATER.

WAIT.

DON'T YOU WANT TO GET MY PHONE NUMBER?

IT'S NOT THE NUMBER TO VIDEO VERN'S?

OH, YEAH.

MY NAME'S SOPHIE. YEAH, I CAN SEE.

IT'S ON YOUR NAME TAG.

OH.

[chuckles] MINE'S GAVIN.

I KNOW. IT WAS ON YOUR CARD.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

[electronic chime]

[phone ringing]

HELLO.

(Gavin) HEY,

IS——IS THIS SOPHIA?

DO YOU MEAN SOPHIE?

UH, WRONG NUMBER.

OKAY.

[phone ringing]

HELLO.

HI, IS SOPHIE THERE?

THIS IS SHE.

OH, HEY, IT'S GAVIN,

REMEMBER, FROM THE VIDEO STORE THE OTHER DAY?

DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL ME?

NO. WHY?

OH. NO REASON, I GUESS.

WELL, HEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANTED

TO WATCHCLASH OF THE TITANS WITH ME?

YEAH, WELL, I ALREADY SAW IT.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED

TO GO TO THE PARK WITH ME INSTEAD.

UH, SURE.

OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, BE SURE TO BRING SOME ACTIVEWEAR.

ACTIVEWEAR? MM—HMM.

[phone beeps]

HEY, GAVIN, I RENTED THE CROW.

DO YOU WANT TO WATCH IT WITH ME?

THERE'S THIS SCENE WHERE THIS HUSSY

GETS HER EYES CARVED OUT.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU.

CAN I BORROW EXCALIBUR?

SURE. FOR WHAT?

WELL, UM, I KIND OF GOT A DATE

WITH A GIRL TODAY.

[chuckles] A DATE?

YEAH, IT'S WITH THE GIRL FROM VIDEO VERN'S.

HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY.

I WENT AND I RENTED CLASH OF THE TITANS,

AND SHE WAS ALL, "THAT'S MY FAVORITE MOVIE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "SWEET."

AND SHE SAID, "WE SHOULD WATCH IT TOGETHER SOMETIME."

AND THEN I SAID, "HEY, WANT TO GO ON A DATE?"

SO YOU'D RATHER GO SWORD FIGHTING WITH SOME GIRL

THAN WATCH THE CROW WITH ME?

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, THAT'S OKAY. WHATEVER. IT'S YOUR LIFE.

GREAT, WELL, I BETTER GO.

OH, HEY, CAN I WATCH THIS HERE?

YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMA LLOYD

WON'T LET ME WATCH RATED—Rs IN THE HOUSE.

FINE WITH ME.

SEE YOU LATER.

[melancholy instrumental music]

♪♪

YOU COULD START IN ANY OF THOSE THREE STANCES,

BUT THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE.

[imitates sound effects]

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE COMES AT YOU, YOU CAN PARRY THEIR ATTACK.

PARRY?

YEAH, IT MEANS "BLOCK" IN MEDIEVAL TERMINOLOGY.

LIKE, TRY AND POKE ME IN THE CHEST WITH YOUR SWORD.

REALLY? YEAH, DO IT.

YOU CAN'T HURT ME.

[grunting] YOU SEE THAT?

THAT WAS A PARRY—THRUST COMBO.

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. FORCE OF HABIT.

NOW YOU TRY.

THIS TIME, I'LL THRUST AT YOU AND YOU PARRY IT.

OKAY. YOU READY?

[grunt and coughs]

OH, MY GOSH, I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, MY ADAM'S APPLE.

YEAH, I'M FINE.

NOT BAD FOR A BEGINNER.

LET'S GO FOR REAL THIS TIME.

OKAY, I GUESS. OKAY.

DON'T FORGET TO BOW.

WARRIORS, PREPARE TO CROSS SWORDS.

[imitates sound effects]

ATTACK.

TIME——

TIME—OUT.

I WIN.

YOU PROBABLY REALIZE IT BY NOW,

BUT THE TEUTONIC KNIGHTS DIDN'T REALLY CALL TIME—OUT

WHEN THEY FELL OVER IN BATTLE IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

OH.

I'LL REMEMBER THAT FOR NEXT TIME.

HEY, YOU WEREN'T BAD FOR YOUR FIRST TIME, THOUGH.

I STILL TOTALLY ROASTED YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

YOU NEED TO GET A BATTLE AX.

I THINK YOU'LL WIELD IT WELL,

BECAUSE YOUR MIDSECTION'S BUILT LIKE A TREE TRUNK.

YOU KNOW, LIKE MANY OF THE GREAT AND POWER DWARVES

IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

I'M SORRY; I'M AN IDIOT.

I ALWAYS RELATE THINGS TO STUPID LEGENDS AND STUFF.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY A DWARF.

THAT'S OKAY.

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE BLOCKED BETTER.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S TRUE TOO.

ALL RIGHT, THIS TIME I'LL PLAY

AT THE LEVEL OF A NEOPHYTE APPRENTICE

OF THE ROUND TABLE.

OKAY.

WARRIORS, PREPARE TO CROSS SWORDS.

[imitates sound effects]

[screams]

[energetic music over arcade machine]

♪♪

KISS MY AMAZON BUTT, GUILE.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY ME AT AIR HOCKEY?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT GIVE ME A LITTLE WHILE.

I USUALLY WIN WHENEVER I'M BLANKA.

IT'LL ONLY TAKE ME, LIKE, 15 MORE MINUTES.

OKAY, WELL, DO YOU CARE IF GO PLAY SKI BALL,

BECAUSE THIS IS KIND OF BORING.

NOT AT ALL.

HERE'S SOME NICKELS IN CASE YOU HAVE NONE.

GO HAVE FUN.

THANKS.

[arcade game sound effects]

[woman speaking indistinctly over arcade machine]

[girl scoffs] DON'T TOUCH ME, PERV.

YOU LIKED IT, PIPPI.

[laughs]

HEY, YOU SEE THAT GIRL OVER THERE?

WHAT?

PLAYING SKI BALL BY HERSELF.

I BET I CAN GO UP TO HER AND KISS HER,

AND SHE WOULDN'T EVEN STOP ME.

BET SHE'D EVEN LIKE IT.

YEAH, RIGHT, SHANE.

WELL, I BET I COULD.

I TOTALLY KNOW THE TYPE.

SHE'S HERE BY HERSELF, SECRETLY WISHING

SOME GUY LIKE ME WOULD COME,

YOU KNOW, SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET.

YEAH? PROVE IT.

WHAT, YOU BET ME? YEAH.

WELL, HOW MUCH?

FOUR BUCKS, YO.

OH, COME ON, YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN THAT.

NUH—UH, THAT'S ALL I BROUGHT, MAN.

FOUR BUCKS IS A LOT OF GAMES AT THE NICKELCADE, BRO.

FINE, I'LL DO IT FOR FOUR BUCKS, CHEAPWAD.

[sniffs]

HEY, GIRL, YOU EVER WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO KISS A GUY LIKE ME?

WHAT?

YO, CHECK IT OUT, KID.

YOUR DAD MUST HAVE BEEN A BAKER,

'CAUSE YOU GOT NICE BUNS.

EXCUSE ME?

HEY. COME ON.

STOP IT. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.

NO. COME ON, I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR.

NO.

[groans]

I JUST MADE ME FOUR BUCKS.

[whimpering]

OH, DUDE, ARE YOU OKAY?

GET OFF ME.

[machine chiming]

HEY.

HEY.

I CAME LOOKING FOR YOU WHEN I COULDN'T FIND YOU

AT THE NICKELCADE.

CAN I SIT DOWN?

SORRY, I'M JUST——

I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED PLAYING THAT STUPID GAME, YOU KNOW?

I WAS——I WAS JUST REALLY KICKING BUTT.

FINE, I——I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YOU CAN SIT DOWN, YOU KNOW.

WHEN I WENT LIKE THIS,

I MEANT YOU COULD SIT DOWN IF YOU WANT TO.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN SOMETIMES?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME NOTHING.

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T BECAUSE I WAS REALLY STOMPING PEOPLE

IN STREET FIGHTER II?

YEAH.

LOOK, IF SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOU,

THEY'RE JUST STUPID, OKAY?

I MEAN, PEOPLE HAVE DONE SOME PRETTY MEAN THINGS

TO ME GROWING UP, AND I'VE HAD TO IGNORE IT.

LIKE WHAT?

[sighs]

LET'S SEE.

ONE TIME, I WENT TO SCHOOL, AND WHEN I GOT TO CLASS,

IT SMELLED REALLY BAD,

LIKE SOMEONE STEPPED ON DOG CRAP OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, THE GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME

SEEMED LIKE SHE COULD SMELL IT TOO.

I GUESS SHE THOUGHT I CRAPPED MY PANTS,

BECAUSE SHE WALKED OVER TO THE SEAT

BEHIND HER HOOCHIE FRIEND

AND STARTED POINTING AT ME AND BLABBING.

IT TURNED OUT SOMEONE STUCK A DIRTY DIAPER

IN MY BACKPACK WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING.

[slowed, distorted speech]

THE TEACHER MADE ME THROW IT AWAY IN THE BATHROOM,

SO I HAD TO WALK HALFWAY THROUGH THE SCHOOL

TO GET RID OF IT.

I GUESS HE DIDN'T WANT THE SMELL COMING FROM HIS TRASH CAN.

YEP, PEOPLE CALLED ME DIRTY D FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT.

I'M SORRY.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I BETTER GO.

MY MOM THINKS I'M AT THE PET STORE,

LOOKING AT KITTENS.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, GAVIN.

YEAH?

THANKS.

SURE.

[mellow music]

♪♪

(man) YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, SOPHIE?

I MEAN, PEOPLE STOPPED DOING THIS IN THE '80s.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU DRINK SLIM—FAST SHAKE

AND JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES,

UNCLE MIKE.

OKAY, BUT YOU CALL ME RIGHT AWAY

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

OKAY.

♪♪

[doorbell rings]

HEY.

HEY, GAVIN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOUTH?

I DECIDED TO GET PROACTIVE ABOUT MY FIGURE

AND I GOT MY JAW WIRED SHUT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

BUT I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT THE WAY YOU ARE.

THANKS, BUT IT'S JUST KIND OF SOMETHING I WANTED DO FOR ME.

WELL, WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.

ANYWAY I JUST CAME BY TO TELL YOU

THAT WE'RE TAKING A HIKE TO DEER CLIFF FALLS

ON WEDNESDAY AT 10:00, IF THAT'S COOL WITH YOU.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIKING.

YEAH, YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

WELL, GREAT.

WE'LL GET PROACTIVE ON THE HILL TOGETHER THEN, HUH?

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

SEE YOU.

MM—HMM, THANK YOU.

[electronic chime]

HEY.

HI.

WILL THIS BE ALL FOR YOU TONIGHT? YEAH.

I JUST LOVE THIS MOVIE. IT'S A TOTAL CLASSIC.

AH, IT CERTAINLY IS.

CAN I GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

REALLY? YEAH.

OR IF YOU HAVE A MEMBERSHIP CARD,

WE CAN DO IT THAT WAY.

OH, YEAH.

THANK YOU.

BUT THIS MOVIE IS A TOTAL CLASSIC.

SURE. THAT WILL BE A DOLLAR.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU TOTALLY LOVE THIS MOVIE?

YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

MAYBE WE COULD WATCH IT TOGETHER SOMETIME.

UH, THAT'S OKAY. I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT.

BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

THAT'LL BE A DOLLAR.

FORGET IT.

[electronic chime]

[electronic chime]

ALL RIGHT, GIRLIE, EMPTY THE REGISTER NOW.

OH, MY GOSH, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.

ARE YOU D—D—D—DEAF, GIRL?

THE CASH NOW. OKAY, OKAY.

I AIN'T MESSING AROUND. THIS IS A GUN IN HERE.

IT AIN'T MY HAND, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR MOUTH?

I GOT MY JAW WIRED SHUT TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WHAT?

YOU DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE YOU NEED TO.

THANKS, I GUESS.

HEY, PIPE IT. I AIN'T HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I KNOW THE WAY THE FEMALE,

THE WAY THEY SEDUCE YOU,

TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU'RE SITTING THERE WITH A VALENTINES

THAT THEY DON'T WANT.

GIVE ME THE CASH. OKAY, HERE.

THAT'S IT?

IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT A LOT.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

I WAS COUNTING AND NOW I LOST COUNT.

SO 97 BUCKS. THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

VIDEOS ONLY COST A DOLLAR,

AND WE DON'T GET MUCH BUSINESS

SINCE MEGAFLICKS CAMES INTO TOWN.

I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT YOUR STORE'S FINANCIAL PROBLEMS,

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, IS THERE A SAFE SOMEWHERE OR SOMETHING?

SAFE?

YEAH, A SAFE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, WHERE THEY KEEP MONEY

AND PEARLS AND THINGS.

WHAT SAFE?

ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M TAKING THIS, THOUGH, SUCKER.

[laughs]

[clanging]

SHUT UP.

[electronic chime]

OH, MY GOSH.

HELLO, WE'VE BEEN ROBBED.

IT'S AT VIDEO VERN'S. PLEASE HURRY.

NO, NO. MY JAW'S JUST WIRED SHUT.

NO, TO LOSE WEIGHT.

[energetic music]

♪♪

OH, DANG IT. WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 9:47.

IT'S 9:47, MAN. COME ON, WAKE UP.

LET'S GO. WE GOT TO GO.

9:47.

ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF, YOU STUPID CASIO.

COME ON, WAKE UP.

JUST WANT SOME MORE NUGGETS AND SLEEP.

NO MORE NUGGETS AND SLEEP. COME ON.

GET OUT. LET'S GO.

STUPID, COKEHEAD.

OW.

OW, ZERK, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

YES, I DID, AND YOU KNOW I DID.

AND I DON'T LIKE HURTING YOU, BUT SOMETIMES I'VE JUST GOT TO.

A BABY'S GOT TO BE SPANKED

WHEN HE WANTS HIS BOTTLE AND HE CAN'T HAVE IT.

LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, OH.

OH, SHOOT.

DON'T NEED THAT ONE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING, ME AND YOU,

WE BOTH WORK AT VIDEO STORES AND STUFF——

MINE'S NOT ACTUALLY A VIDEO STORE,

BUT WE BOTH CONTROL THE EB AND FLOW

OF VIDEOS IN THE REGION,

MAKING SURE THE RIGHT VIDEOS GET TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

(Sophie) HMM, I GUESS I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

(Gavin) WELL, I DO.

SO WHY DO THEY CALL IT DEER CLIFF FALLS?

(Gavin) WELL, INDIANS USED TO CHASE DEER WITH BOWS AND ARROWS,

AND THE DEER WOULD GET SO FRIGHTENED,

THEY'D RUN RIGHT OFF THE BIG CLIFF UP HERE

TO THEIR DEATH.

(Maynard) AND THEN THE INDIANS WOULD CLIMB DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

AND GET THE DEER AND COOK IT.

(Hobie) THAT'S WHY SO MANY PEOPLE FIND SO MANY ARROWHEADS UP HERE.

WHOA!

[together] THE SASQUATCH.

WHO?

(Maynard) HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF BIGFOOT?

IT LOOKS LIKE HE STOPPED TO TAKE A BIG DUMP RIGHT THERE.

AT LEAST HE DOESN'T TAKE SQUIRTY DUMPLINGS.

(Gavin) SHUT UP, HOBIE.

COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO TELL THE COPS.

(Hobie) SCREW THE COPS.

LET'S TELL THE CLACKANOMAH COUNTY HERALD.

WE'LL GET OUR PICTURES IN THE PAPER.

(Gavin) SCREW IT. LET'S TELL BOTH OF THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

STUPID NERDS JUST FELL RIGHT INTO OUR TRAP, MAN.

THEY'RE GONNA GO TELL THE COPS AND THE NEWSPAPER.

NERDS. YEAH.

THAT'S AWESOME.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,

MAKE THOSE PLASTER CASTS.

YOU STILL GO THE CAMERA, HUH?

HELLO, THERE, AND WELCOME

TO THE CLACKANOMAH COUNTY SASQUATCH SITE.

I'M HERE WITH MY COLLEAGUE, DR. JOKEM,

COLLECTING FOOTPRINTS OF THE MYSTERIOUS BEAST

WHO YOU NERDS LOVE SO MUCH.

AND WE'RE RECORDING OURSELVES WHILE WE WORK

SO THAT YOU, THE BUYING PUBLIC,

KNOWS THAT WHEN Y'ALL GET A PLASTER CAST FROM US,

YOU CAN SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT IT'S TOTALLY LEGIT.

[energetic instrumental music]

♪♪

MAYNARD, WHAT GIVES? IT'S TIME TO GO.

MY LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I'M ON RESTRICTION.

THAT'S WHY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

DUDE, IT WAS AWESOME. MY MOM WAS TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

(woman) MAYNARD, SAY GOOD—BYE

TO YOUR FRIENDS AND GET BACK TO WORK.

SORRY, GUYS. I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

MY MOM SAYS I CAN'T TALK TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS RIGHT NOW,

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

HAVE FUN AT THE LASER BARN.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR PARENTS.

THANKS.

THIS SUCKS. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GO HOME.

WHAT? THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

I'M GONNA BE, LIKE, A THIRD WHEEL.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. SOPHIE LIKES YOU.

NO, SHE DOESN'T.

YEAH, RIGHT. SHE THINKS YOU'RE GREAT.

NO WAY; SHE THINKS I'M A FAT LAMEWAD,

AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

IT'S YOU SHE LIKES.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

HOBIE, SHE LIKES YOU.

SHE THINKS YOU'RE GREAT, AWESOME, MAN.

LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

[whimsical music]

♪♪

CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?

OKAY, I GUESS.

HOW MANY GIRLS HAVE YOU KISSED?

I'M SORRY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

NO, WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE NEVER——

I NEVER REALLY KISSED A GIRL BEFORE.

IT'S OKAY. I'M V.L. TOO.

V.L.?

IT MEANS I HAVE VIRGIN LIPS.

I'VE NEVER KISSED ANYONE.

WELL, I'VE NEVER BEEN KISSED BY A BOY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE ROMANTICALLY.

OH.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO OR ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST I WANT IT TO BE THE RIGHT TIME WHEN IT HAPPENS.

SO THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT, V.L.?

YEAH.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU CAN SAY THAT HOBIE'S V.L. TOO.

CAN WE GO NOW, PLEASE?

COME ON, HOBIE.

COME ON, GUYS. HURRY UP.

REMEMBER, THREE TIMES AND YOU'RE OUT.

OKAY.

JUST STAND BEHIND ME, AND I'LL PROTECT YOU.

(Sophie) SO WHO ARE WE PLAYING AGAINST?

I DON'T KNOW; WHOEVER'S PUTTING ON THE OTHER UNIFORMS.

SUIT UP. LOCK AND LOAD. YEP.

IT'S SHANE. SO WHAT?

WE CAN TAKE THEM, RIGHT, GAV?

YEAH, TOTALLY.

MIGHT AS WELL START SHOOTING OURSELVES.

CHECK THIS OUT.

WE'RE PLAYING GAVIN AND HIS FATTY FRIENDS.

SHUT UP, SHANE.

HEY, COULD WE PLAY SOMEONE MORE CHALLENGING?

THESE GUYS SUCK BIG TIME.

(Gavin) NO, WE DON'T.

CAN YOU DORKS TAKE THE NERD HERD BACK INTO THE BATTLE ARENA?

GET OUT OF MY FACE.

[electronic zapping]

[warbling tone]

I'M HIT.

STAY HIDDEN BACK HERE.

ME AND HOBIE WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

[guns zapping]

[warbling tone]

I'M HIT AGAIN.

JUST STAY DOWN.

[warbling tone]

DANG IT. I'M OUT.

DON'T WORRY; HOBIE AND I WILL GET THEM FOR YOU.

SHE SUCKS.

[percussive techno music]

♪♪

FINALLY, WE GOT RID OF THAT DEADWEIGHT, YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

[grunt]

WING ATTACK B?

OKAY, I'LL BE THE ROVER.

FINE. READY?

UH—HUH. GO.

[guns zapping]

[warbling tone]

HEY, YOU.

[warbling tone]

RETREAT.

RETREAT.

GO, YOU IDIOTS. GET OUT.

[warbling tone]

[gun zapping]

[warbling tone] OH!

[gun zapping]

[warbling tone]

OH, LAMENESS. I'M OUT.

[guns zapping]

YOU'RE OUT, YO.

YOU'RE OUT TOO, HOMEY.

[gun zapping]

COME ON OUT, GAVIN, YOU WUSSMEISTER.

[guns zapping]

COME ON. COME ON, BIG BOY. YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU COULD COME OUT BEHIND THAT STUPID ROCK.

[laughs]

WHAT WOULD PERSEUS DO?

[electronic zapping]

COME ON OUT, WIENER BOY.

[laughing]

[warbling tone]

WHAT THE CRAP?

[man over loudspeaker] GAME OVER.

YES, I WIN.

THIS GAME SUCKS ANYWAYS.

STILL A DORK.

PUNK.

[electronic zapping]

HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

HE'S JUST TICKED THAT I TOTALLY RUSHED HIM.

THAT'S ALL.

YEAH, WE KICKED THEIR BUTTS.

YEAH.

COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO SLIDE DOWN BIG PINK.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

[quirky music]

♪♪

[cheers and laughter]

(woman) ♪ I DON'T LIKE SNAILS OR TOADS OR FROGS ♪

♪ OR STRANGE THINGS LIVING UNDER LOGS, ♪

♪ BUT, MMM, I LOVE ONIONS. ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE DANCIN' WITH CRAZY TED. ♪

♪ HE'S ALWAYS JUMPIN' ON MY HEAD, ♪

♪ BUT, MMM, I LOVE ONIONS. ♪

♪ ONIONS, ONIONS, LA, LA, LA. ♪

♪ ONIONS, ONIONS, HA, HA, HA. ♪

♪ ROOT DOOT DOOT—DOOT, DOOT DOOT—DOOT. ♪

♪♪

♪ ONIONS, ONIONS, LA, LA, LA. ♪

♪ ONIONS, ONIONS, HA, HA, HA. ♪

♪ ROOT DOOT DOOT—DOOT, DOOT DOOT—DOOT. ♪

♪♪

(Gavin) YEAH, WELL, NEXT TIME I'LL BRING ENOUGH MONEY

SO WE CAN PLAY TWO GAMES.

WELL, DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT IN, LIKE, TEN YEARS

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE LASER TAG INTO AN OLYMPIC SPORT?

YEAH? YEAH, SWEET, HUH?

OH, NO, MY MOM'S GONNA KILL ME.

SOPHIE, DON'T.

WAIT. [grunts]

WHAT IS IT?

[Shane laughing]

I THINK WE'RE SCREWED.

[both grunting]

[paintball guns firing]

[groaning]

[sighs] I THINK THEY'RE GONE.

YOU OKAY?

NO, MY MAN BOOB STINGS.

I THINK IT'S SWELLING UP,

AND I GOT SHOT TWICE IN THE BOODNIKS.

LET ME SEE.

NO! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT ANYWAY.

I WISH I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN COME TONIGHT.

WHAT?

YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME STAY HOME AND WATCH TV LIKE I WANTED.

NOW I GOT ALL SHOT UP BECAUSE OF YOU.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAT GIRLFRIEND TOO.

WAIT.

[quirky music]

[music slows]

♪♪

[quirky music]

♪♪

WHAT'S THE TOTAL?

325 BUCKS.

(Zerk) YES! HOW MANY BIDS WE GOT SO FAR?

15.

DUDE, THIS IS AWESOME, MAN.

HEY, LANCE, YOU COMING TO DINNER?

OKAY.

OH, MR. JOKEM, COULD I SEE THAT NEWSPAPER FOR A SEC?

YEAH, WHY NOT?

I ONLY PAY THE BILLS AROUND HERE.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS CRAZY.

DUDE, CAN YOU TURN AROUND, PLEASE?

CRAP!

"FAMED BIGFOOT RESEARCHER TO COME TO CLACKANOMAH COUNTY.

"THE CLACKANOMAH SASQUATCH SIGHTING

"HAS DRAWN SOME ATTENTION FROM THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY,

AS DR. ARTIMUS SNODGRASS"——

AND THERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM.

"FAMED SASQUATCH RESEARCHER, WILL BE ARRIVING TOMORROW

"TO VERIFY IF THE FOOTPRINTS AND SCAT

"FOUND NEAR DEER CLIFF FALLS

ARE INDEED FROM THE LEG—ENDARY BIGFOOT."

CRAP!

CRAP.

THIS SUCKS, DUDE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS GUY?

I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING, THOUGH.

OKAY, I'M GONNA GO EAT NOW.

YOU CAN EITHER STAY HERE IF YOU WANT,

OR I CAN COME BY LATER.

MY MOM SAYS YOU CAN'T EAT ANY OF OUR FOOD ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS HAVING?

HOT DOGS AND CHEETOS.

CRAP!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

(all) AMEN.

HERE YOU GO, SQUIRTS.

HEY, GRANDMA LLOYD, IS HOBIE THERE?

OH.

OKAY, WELL, THEN JUST TELL HIM THAT I CALLED.

OKAY, BYE.

[man singing melancholy song in Spanish]

♪♪

HEY, IS SOPHIE HERE?

SHE'S NOT HOME RIGHT NOW.

WELL, ACTUALLY, COULD YOU, UM,

GIVE HER THIS FOR ME?

OKAY.

IT'S A LIST OF ALL THE MOVIES IN MY VIDEO COLLECTION.

TELL HER SHE CAN BORROW ANY ONE SHE WANTS

FREE OF CHARGE.

OKAY.

AND ONE MORE THING.

TELL HER THAT THEY'RE WRONG.

SHE LOOKS GREAT JUST THE WAY SHE IS.

WHO'S WRONG?

SHE'LL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OKAY, I'LL TELL HER. GOOD—BYE.

SOPHIE, HONEY.

HE LEFT A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

(Zerk) THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS A DUDE.

[bike clanging]

WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON?

(Shirts) THAT KID JUST TOTALLY WIPED OUT ON HIS BIKE.

THAT KID'S, LIKE, AN EXTREME NERD.

(Shirts) IT'S A WUSSY—LOOKING BIKE.

(Zerk) WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIS LEG?

HEY, HOW'D YOU GET THAT WELT ON YOUR LEG, DUDE?

SOME JERKS SHOT ME WITH PAINTBALLS.

[both laughing]

THAT'S AWESOME.

YOU BEAT THEM UP?

NO, THEY RAN AWAY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THEIR HOUSE,

WAIT FOR THEM TO COME OUT, AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEM?

DOY!

I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW. IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A TOTAL WUSS.

WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU GUYS?

I MEAN, THAT GUY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A SHIRT ON.

YEAH, WELL, I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE.

WHATEVER SAYS... BOUNCES.

YEAH, YEAH, I GOT THIS, DUDE. DON'T EVEN TRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, GAVIN?

YOU'RE ALL TALK, MAN.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

YOU GOT STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

THIS ISN'T CANADA, MY FRIEND, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS AMERICA.

IN THIS COUNTRY, SOME KIDS SHOOT YOU WITH PAINTBALLS,

YOU GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO KNOCK THEM OUT.

AND IF YOU DON'T EXERCISE THAT BASIC FREEDOM,

YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE A TOTAL Q HOLE.

WHAT'S A Q HOLE?

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

YOU HEAR THAT? UP TOP.

OH——OH.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

WHY YOU GOT TO BE HOLDING A CORN DOG

WHEN I GO FOR A HIGH FIVE?

I'M MAKING A POINT TO THE KID.

NOW I'M THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL Q HOLE.

(Shirts) IT WAS REALLY HOT, AND I WAS LETTING IT AIR OUT.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST STUPID.

YOU KNOW THERE'S—— CRAP OFF.

[cheers and applause]

AH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I WAS HOT ON THE HEELS

OF THE CHUPACABRA IN CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO.

BUT WHEN I WAS CONTACTED ABOUT YOU SASQUATCH SIGHTING,

I CAME STRAIGHTAWAY.

I HAVE INVESTIGATED MANY SASQUATCH SIGHTINGS

AND EXPOSED MY SHARE OF HOAXES.

DUDE, BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN.

DO YOU REALIZE IF HE SAYS IT'S A HOAX,

OUR SALES ARE BONED.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

IT'S BEEN IN THE NEWSPAPER ALREADY.

SHIRTS, YOU'RE A DANG GENIUS.

COME ON, LET'S GO SPREAD THE BIRD'S WINGS

AND FLY OUT OF HERE.

CAW!

[rock music]

♪♪

[tires squealing]

[man singing rock]

♪♪

♪ I NEED TO GO OUTER SPACE FOR A WHILE. ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE A CHOSEN FEW. ♪

♪ WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD VIEW, ♪

♪ 1 MILLION MILES UP—— ♪

♪ ESCAPE FROM EARTH. ♪

♪♪

♪ ESCAPE FROM EARTH. ♪

♪ ESCAPE FROM EARTH. ♪

♪♪

WHAT THE...

[slow electronic music]

♪♪

(Hobie) DEAR DIARY,

WHAT DO YOU DO

WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND BETRAYS YOU?

I KNOW; THERE'S NO EASY ANSWER, IS THERE?

I GUESS IT ALL STARTED ONE DAY

WHEN HE FIRST TOOK HER ON A DATE.

SHE WAS A TERRIBLE SWORDSWOMAN,

NOT EVEN WORTHY OF WIELDING EXCALIBUR.

BUT I MUST ADMIT,

THERE WERE THINGS I ADMIRED ABOUT HER MYSELF.

IT WAS AS THOUGH SHE HAD AN INNER POWER

TO KICK BUTT IN A WAY I'D NEVER SEEN IN ANY GIRL

SINCE WONDER WOMAN.

[groaning]

[chuckles]

GET OF ME!

(Hobie) HIS NOODIES MUST HAVE HURT FOR DAYS.

[machine chiming]

YEAH.

BUT I GUESS THAT ADMIRATION WASN'T MUTUAL.

MAYBE WE COULD WATCH IT TOGETHER SOMETIME.

I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T LIKE SPENDING MY TIME

WITH DISGUSTING FAT BODIES.

WHY DO YOU THINK I GOT MY JAW WIRED SHUT?

SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE ONE ANYMORE

AND BE DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

THAT WILL BE A DOLLAR.

(Hobie) BUT THE MAIN CHANGE WAS IN MY BEST FRIEND:

OUR FRIENDSHIP BECAME SECONDARY TO HIS SELFISH EGOISM.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU KIDS FOUND THIS?

IT WAS ME.

OH, GAVIN, YOU'RE MY HERO.

GO FOR THE GOLD, GAVIN. FAT PEOPLE SUCK.

(Hobie) CLAIMING HE FOUND THE SASQUATCH TRACKS

WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO FELL ON THEM.

AND I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER

THAT I RECOGNIZED IT AS THE SASQUATCH FIRST.

[together] THE SASQUATCH.

(Hobie) HE WAS ON "SSS"

WHEN I WAS ALREADY ON "ASQUATCH."

[in slow motion] THE SASQUATCH.

(Hobie) HE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION ME

WHEN THE JOURNALIST ASKED ME ABOUT THE TRACKS.

HE JUST KEPT SAYING, "WE, WE, WE, WE."

SO JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR OWN WORDS.

WELL, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PRETTY CLUMSY WALKING AROUND.

WE THOUGHT THAT A TRIP TO DEER CLIFF FALLS

WOULD BE A GREAT WAY TO SPEND A SUMMER DAY.

AND ON THE WAY, WE RAN RIGHT INTO THESE TRACKS,

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HOBIE?

(Hobie) AND THAT WASN'T THE ONLY TIME HE INTERRUPTED ME.

OFFICER, WE'D LIKE TO FILE——

WE WERE ON THE TRAIL TO DEER CLIFF FALLS TODAY

AND WE FOUND A NUMBER OF LARGE TRACKS.

WE THINK IT'S BIGFOOT.

(Hobie) I'M GET SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ALWAYS INTERUP——

(woman) HOBIE.

YES, GRANDMA?

MASH IS ON. YOU WANT TO WATCH?

NO THANKS, GRANDMA.

DOESN'T THAT OLD BAG REALIZE

THAT NO ONE MY AGE LIKES MASH?

ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?

OH, YEAH, HOW GAVIN IS A NO—GOOD JERK

AND STEALS ALL THE GLORY,

THE WAY HE KEPT ANSWERING ALL THE REPORTER'S QUESTIONS.

AND I NEVER EVEN GOT INVITED TO BE ON TV.

[sighs]

WHAT SHOULD I DO, DIARY?

GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO:

GO OUT IN A MASSIVE BLOODBATH OF SOUR GRAPES.

[rock music]

♪♪

[screams]

♪♪

ET TU, BRUTE?

HEY.

[sighs] HEY.

DR. SNODGRASS IS COMING SOON. YOU COMING?

IT'S OKAY. I'M KIND OF BUSY.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GO ALONE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BUG YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

WELL, SHE'S NOT EXACTLY TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW.

WHAT ABOUT MAYNARD?

MAYNARD'S STILL ON RESTRICTION,

BUT HE SAYS HE'S GONNA TRY AND MAKE IT, THOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT ANYWAY?

MY GRANDMA NEEDS MY HELP WITH SOMETHING LATER.

DOING WHAT?

SHE'S——SHE'S MAKING APPLE DUMPLINGS.

IT'S MY FAVORITE.

WHAT? HOBIE, YOUR GRANDMA'S DIABETIC.

LOOK, MAYBE I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING, OKAY?

WELL, DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT GETTING THE VIDEO BACK?

WHY?

IT'S NOT MY VIDEO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU LATELY?

I MEAN, THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO OF MINE.

LOOK, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING

AND WATCHING GAVIN BECOME THE BIG HERO

WHEN WE ALL KNOW WE FOUND THOSE FOOTPRINTS TOGETHER.

SO SCREW OFF.

PLUS, YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND ANYTHING

WHEN YOU GET THERE ANYWAY.

[energetic music]

♪♪

ADMITTEDLY, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SASQUATCH,

BUT I AM 98% CERTAIN THAT THEY DO EXIST.

AND WHEN I SEE ONE, I WILL MAKE THE OTHER 2%.

SO TODAY WHEN I EXAMINE THE TRACKS,

I WILL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU WITHOUT A DOUBT

WHETHER YOU HAVE A TRUE FIND OR INDEED A HOAX.

TAKE ME TO THE SITE.

OKAY, CLEAR IT OPEN.

(woman) MR. SNODGRASS. MR. SNODGRASS.

IS IT TRUE THAT THE SASQUATCH

IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS CREATURE TO THIS TOWN?

(Snodgrass) I DON'T KNOW THAT WE HAVE A SASQUATCH.

WE WILL INVESTIGATE; I WILL FIND OUT

AND LET YOU KNOW THEN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[laughs] FLAT TIRE.

HA, HOPE YOU'RE READY

TO LOSE YOUR VIDEO COLLECTION, BUTT WIPE.

SHUT UP, SHANE.

YOU BETTER NOT HAVE MESSED UP MY VIDEO.

DON'T YOU MEAN MY VIDEO?

SEE YOU UP THERE, DORK.

(boy) LATER, BONER.

[barks]

[laughter]

WHERE'S HOBIE?

SOPHIE?

AND MAYNARD TOO.

OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS COULD MAKE IT.

BUT, UM, I DON'T THINK HOBIE'S GONNA COME, THOUGH.

WHY NOT?

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S MAD ABOUT SOMETHING.

COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO.

EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY LEFT.

COME ON, GUYS.

SO WHAT'D YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS TO GET OFF RESTRICTION, MAYNARD?

THAT I WAS GONNA START DOING DRUGS OR KILL MYSELF

IF THEY DIDN'T LET ME GO.

OH, SWEET, MAN. YEAH.

THAT'S COOL. I'LL HAVE TO TRY THAT ONE.

AND NOW I GET TO MISS SCHOOL TWICE A WEEK NEXT YEAR

TO VISIT A THERAPIST.

AWESOME. YEAH.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

(Chillcut) I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE BROKE THROUGH MY YELLOW TAPE.

NO, NO, NO, OFFICER CHIN STRAP.

IT'S CHILLCUT.

YES, YES. SHH, SHH, SHH.

I'VE SEEN THIS SORT OF THING BEFORE.

CLEARLY, THE SASQUATCH DETECTED MY PRESENCE

AND RETURNED TO DESTROY ANY EVIDENCE

HE WAS HERE TO BEGIN WITH.

(Maynard) EVEN THE POO IS GONE.

YES!

HE PROBABLY ATE IT TO CONSERVE HIS MYTHIC POWERS.

[man sneezes]

EVERYBODY, FREEZE!

NOBODY MOVE!

SASQUATCH, IF THAT'S YOU, YOU CAN COME ON OUT.

WE'LL PROMISE WE WON'T HURT YOU.

(Zerk) HEY, DON'T SHOOT, MAN.

I'M UNARMED.

HE CAN TALK?

IF THE SASQUATCH CAN TALK, MY THEORIES WERE CORRECT.

HE IS INTELLIGENT.

NO, WE——WE WON'T SHOOT. WE HURT YOU.

YOU JUST COME ON OUT FROM BEHIND THAT TREE.

C—COME ON OUT.

ZERK.

WHAT ARE—— WHAT ARE YOU DOING——

(Zerk) WHAT'S EVERYONE DOING HERE, MAN?

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST—— AH, MY HAND.

FOR TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE AND DESTROYING PROPERTY.

EVIDENCE. WHAT EVIDENCE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, SASQUATCH HATER.

I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. I SWEAR.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

YEAH, RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU TRY GROWING A MUSTACHE?

QUIET, SHORT STACK.

THEN WHO DID, SASQUATCH?

HE'S LONG GONE BY NOW.

UH, THIS BARK SMELLS.

OR MAYBE HE WAS NEVER HERE AT ALL.

COME ON NOW. LET'S PACK IT UP.

EVERYONE, LET'S GO HOME.

QUICK JUDGING ME. AH! GET THAT CAMERA——

YEAH, YOU SEEN THAT? THAT'LL MAKE THE EVENING NEWS.

I DIDN'T DO IT.

IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU STUPID NERD.

GET OFF ME.

I'M GOING TO PRISON.

LOOK AT ME. QUIT GAWKING AND JUDGING.

HEY, MA, WE HAVING NUGGETS TONIGHT?

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

DO YOU THINK THE SASQUATCH REALLY DID IT?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

YEAH, RIGHT, FAGON. HA—HA.

FAGON——WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU'RE GAY, YOU STUPID JERK.

HE'S NOT GAY. YEAH, RIGHT.

I BET YOU GUYS HAVEN'T KISSED YET, HAVE YOU?

SHUT UP, SHANE. HA—HA, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

I BET YOU HADN'T EVEN TRIED,

'CAUSE YOU REALLY LIKE THAT HOMO HOBIE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY KISSING ME AGAIN?

I ALWAYS ENJOY KICKING PEOPLE IN THE NUTS.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND BITE ME?

OOPS, I FORGOT.

YOU CAN'T OPEN YOUR STUPID MOUTH, FATTY.

LEAVE HER ALONE.

NO. NOW, THEN...

JUST WANT TO FIND A TIME TO COME BY

AND GET THE REST OF THE VIDEOS FROM YOUR COLECCION.

(Gavin) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DIDN'T WIN.

GIVE MY VIDEO BACK.

NO WAY. IT'S MINE NOW.

GIVE IT TO ME.

BACK OFF, GAVIN.

GIVE MY VIDEO BACK.

YOU WANT YOUR STUPID VIDEO?

WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR DOG TO GO FETCH IT?

[tape smashing]

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, DOG.

GO FETCH IT.

STOP IT, YOU GUYS.

[boys barking]

(Gavin) STOP CALLING HER A DOG.

SHE'S NOT A DOG. SHE'S A FOX.

WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH A STUPID STICK?

[groaning] OH!

[grunting]

LET ME HAVE HIM. LET ME HAVE HIM.

AH, MY NIPPLES!

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

GUYS, I WAS, LIKE, HALFWAY DOWN WHEN I——WHOA.

GET OFF OF HIM. HEY!

(Shane) GET OFF ME. SIT, DOG.

SOPHIE! AH!

OOPS. [laughs]

I THINK IT'S TIME NOW

FOR SOME FUN WITH DIRTY D HERE.

RED BELLY TIME.

[all screaming]

YOU CAN HAVE THE VIDEOS. JUST LEAVE US ALONE.

(Shane) WHO WANTS YOUR STUPID VIDEOS ANYWAYS, DORK FACE?

UH, 100—HAND SLAPS.

[all cheering]

IT'S WEDGIE TIME!

[all screaming]

GET HIM. OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

[cheers and laughter]

[groans]

WHAT HAPPENED?

[whimpering]

[lively music]

HOBIE?

YEAH.

[groaning]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TAKING ALL THE GLORY FOR YOURSELF.

HERE.

YEAH, NICE ONE, FATSO,

BUT I HIT THAT KID IN THE NUTS ALL THE TIME.

HE'LL BE FINE.

THAT'S TRUE, YO. I'LL BE FINE.

GOOD, BECAUSE I'M NOT DONE WHUPPING HIS BOODNIKS YET.

COME ON, YO!

[screams]

[both screaming]

I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY COOL

WITH THAT STUPID SWORD, DON'T YOU, FAGOT?

NO, I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

A 1,000—SWORD SLAP WITH IT.

[lively music]

♪♪

QUIT WHACKING YOURSELF.

QUIT WHACKING YOURSELF.

YEAH, QUIT WHACKING YOURSELF.

[laughing] YEAH.

GO ON, GET YOUR LEG IN THERE.

(Snodgrass) WELL, OF COURSE, IF THE SASQUATCH IS HUMAN,

THE GOVERNMENT WOULD HAVE TO PROVIDE PROPER HOUSING,

SCHOOLS

AND SCHOOL BUSES,

MEDICARE AND FOOD STAMPS.

WAIT, COME BACK! HURRY. QUICK.

WE NEED HELP. WE WERE ATTACKED.

WHAT IS IT, MY BOY? THE SASQUATCH?

JUST HURRY.

GET OFF ME, YOU——

WHO'S WHUPPING YOUR BOODNIKS NOW, HUH?

HOBIE.

YOU OKAY, HOBIE?

YEAH, I'M OKAY.

[both groaning]

I'LL GET EXCALIBUR.

[lively music]

♪♪

NOT TODAY, GAVIN.

OH, NO.

GET OFF ME, A—WAD.

OH, YO, YOU CRUSHED HIM.

YO, SON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

[groaning]

COME ON. MAN, FORGET THIS, SON.

LET'S BOUNCE.

[indistinct screaming]

[sighs]

[lively music]

♪♪

OH, WHO'S GOT A STICK NOW?

EAT STICK.

OH, THAT HURT.

[screams]

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT US ALONE, YOU JERK.

MY MOM'S GONNA KILL ME, MAN.

SHANE, IT'S THE COPS.

WAIT UP, GUYS!

SOPHIE.

SOPHIE.

SOPHIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

WAKE UP, SOPHIE.

SOPHIE, WAKE UP.

COME ON, WE BETTER GO GET SOME HELP.

WAIT, I'M GONNA TRY ONE MORE THING.

GAVIN?

SOPHIE?

DID YOU JUST KISS ME?

YEAH.

HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS——IT WAS TOTALLY RAD.

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER IT.

(Hobie) COULD I GET A LITTLE WINE

WITH ALL THIS CHEESE?

SHUT UP, HOBIE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH, MY HEAD HURTS A LITTLE,

BUT I THINK I'M OKAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, ME AND HOBIE GAVE THEM A SERIOUS BEAT DOWN.

(Sophie) WAIT, HOBIE,

HOW'D YOU GET HERE?

WELL, I FIGURED WHEN YOU GUYS FOUND THE TRACKS DESTROYED,

YOU MIGHT NEED SOME HELP

GETTING YOUR VIDEO BACK FROM SHANE.

SO I GRABBED SOME WEAPONS, AND I CAME ON UP.

NO BIG DEAL.

SO YOU DESTROYED THE TRACKS?

YEAH. SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ANYONE, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE NOT. I'M JUST GLAD YOU CAME.

SHOULD'VE PAID MORE ATTENTION INSTEAD OF LEAVING YOU OUT

WHEN WE FOUND THE TRACKS, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO. I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

I WAS BEING KIND OF A BUTT FACE TOO.

COME ON. OVER HERE.

WELL, WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?

OH, NOTHING. IT'S JUST——

WELL, IT'S JUST TWO FRIENDS OVERCOMING THEIR DIFFERENCES.

W—WAIT A SECOND.

HOBIE, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I SHOWER EVERY DAY.

NO, YOU DON'T.

SOMETIMES YOU DON'T SHOWER FOR WEEKS.

WHATEVER.

(Chillcut) THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE

TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FRIEND'S HYGIENE.

YES, BESIDES, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WELL, HE'S THE ONE THAT FELL ON THE POO.

REALLY, WE MAY HAVE NEVER FOUND THE TRACKS

IF IT WASN'T FOR MY FRIEND HOBIE HERE.

I MEAN, HE TRIPPED AND HIT HIS HEAD IN THE SASQUATCH POO,

AND I STILL THINK THERE'S SOME STUCK IN HIS HAIR.

LOOK, YEAH. RIGHT HERE, SEE?

BE STILL, MY BOY.

IF THESE ARE REAL DROPPINGS, I'LL KNOW.

[hisses]

SICK.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS GENUINE SASQUATCH FECES.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE A FIND.

YES, YES!

I KNEW IT.

(Snodgrass) YOU HAVE A FIND!

A FIND!

YEAH.

NOW, SON, I THOUGHT YOU SAID

YOUR FRIENDS WERE ATTACKED?

WE WERE ATTACKED.

GAVIN AND I WERE ABLE TO FEND THEM OFF.

TOOK OFF DOWN THAT WAY.

WHO WERE THEY?

IT WAS SHANE BAGWELL AND HIS ATROCIOUS FRIENDS.

OH, THAT LITTLE BRAT'S MY NEPHEW.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

(Gavin) HEY, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO GET SOME

OF GRANDMA LLOYD'S APPLE DUMPLINGS.

(all) YEAH!

(Gavin) LET'S GO. COME ON.

[solemn music]

♪♪

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE SUMMER'S ALMOST OVER?

YEAH.

HEY, DON'T YOU START SCHOOL ON MONDAY, MAYNARD?

YEP.

DID YOU GET ALL THE CLASSES YOU WANTED DOWN AT THE CCCC?

I'M ONLY GONNA TAKE TWO COMPUTER CLASSES, THOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HOBIE?

I WAS THINKING OF GOING TO MASSAGE THERAPY SCHOOL.

YEAH, THEN I COULD GO TO HOLLYWOOD

AND BECOME AN ON—SET MASSEUSE,

MEET ALL THE FAMOUS STARS,

AND EVENTUALLY BECOME FAMOUS MYSELF...

OR JUST STICK AROUND TOWN.

IT'S A BIG DREAM, HOBIE.

(Sophie) HEY, GUYS, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SWORD FIGHT.

YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE.

SOPHIE?

WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.

THANKS.

YOUR MOUTH.

YEAH, I DECIDED I DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO LOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT.

I KIND OF LIKE MYSELF THE WAY I AM, YOU KNOW?

ME TOO.

SO NOW YOU CAN TALK AND JUNK?

THAT'S NOT ALL I CAN DO.

(man) ♪ SO I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GO. ♪

OOH, KISSY, KISSY.

SHUT UP, HOBIE.

WHOA, WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S MY BATTLE AX.

COOL.

I MADE MYSELF A SHIELD TOO SO I WOULDN'T GET HIT SO MUCH.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA NAME YOUR AX?

THE BERSERKER.

[together] SWEET.

COME ON, GUYS. WHO WANTS TO START FIRST?

I DO. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

(Hobie) PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM, MAYNARDS.

COME ON.

(man) ♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO. ♪

♪ YOU RESTLESS SOULS, YOU'RE GONNA FIND IT. ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO. ♪

♪ YOU RESTLESS SOULS, YOU'RE GONNA FIND IT. ♪

OPEN NUMBER FIVE.

[buzzing]

APPARENTLY WE HAVE NO EVIDENCE OF ANY WRONGDOING,

SO YOU CAN GO.

TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO NOTHING, STUPID PIECE OF CRAP.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, ZERK?

YOU CAN'T SEEM TO GO 20 MINUTES

WITHOUT SAYING OR DOING SOMETHING STUPID.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

CHECK YOU LATER, MIGGS.

FREE.

I SWEAR, MAN, I'M GONNA GET ME A LAWYER AND SUE THEM

FOR WRONGFUL IMPRISONMENT, MAN.

SUCKS.

SO LAY IT ON ME, MAN. TELL ME THE GOOD NEWS.

ARE WE RICH?

WELL, THE FIRST ONE SOLD FOR $400.

YES, SCOOBY DOOBY DOO.

WHAT ABOUT THE REST?

WELL, NO ONE BID ON THE OTHER ONES.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DUDE?

WELL, THERE'S, LIKE,

SELLING SO—CALLED AUTHENTIC

CLACKANOMAH COUNTY BIGFOOT CASTS

NOW THAT SNODGRASS DECLARED IT'S A REAL FIND.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, MAN.

PEOPLE PROFITING FROM OUR HARD WORK.

I MEAN, THIS IS AMERICA. THAT AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

IT'S NOT FREAKING CHINA OR WHATEVER.

IDIOTS.

I DON'T WANT TO CRY, MAN.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?

THAT GUY'S COMING ON MONDAY.

WE ONLY SOLD ONE FOR 400 BUCKS.

WELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT IT ONLY COST $300

TO ENTER THE DEMOLITION DERBY THIS SATURDAY?

I MEAN,

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THE CAR NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT?

AND IF YOU WIN, YOU GET 5,000 BUCKS.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL.

PLUS, WITH ALL THIS CAR'S SPEED,

YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER EVEN GET HIT.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

SHIRTS, YOU'RE A DANG GENIUS, MAN.

[engine turning]

[rock music]

♪♪

[tires squealing]

[both cheering]

[rock music]

(man) ♪ IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO BE SOBER. ♪

♪ NOW THE IDIOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER, ♪

♪ SPREADING LIKE A SOCIAL CANCER. ♪

♪ IS THERE AN ANSWER? ♪

♪ MENSA MEMBERSHIP CONCEDING. ♪

♪ TELL ME WHY AND HOW ARE ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE BREEDING? ♪

♪ WATSON, IT'S REALLY ELEMENTARY. ♪

♪ THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION ♪

♪ HAS FLIPPED THE BITCH ON EVOLUTION. ♪

♪ THE BENEVOLENT AND WISE ♪

♪ ARE BEING THWARTED, OSTRACIZED. ♪

♪ WHAT A BUMMER. ♪

♪ THE WORLD KEEPS GETTING DUMBER. ♪

♪ INSENSITIVITY IS STANDARD, ♪

♪ AND FAITH IS BEING FANCIED OVER REASON. ♪

♪♪

♪ DARWIN'S ROLLING OVER IN HIS COFFIN. ♪

♪ THE FITTEST ARE SURVIVING MUCH LESS OFTEN. ♪

♪ NOW EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE REVERSING, ♪

♪ AND IT'S WORSENING. ♪

♪ SOMEONE FLOPPED A STEAMER IN THE GENE POOL. ♪

♪ NOW ANGRY MOB MENTALITY'S NO LONGER THE EXCEPTION; ♪

♪ IT'S THE RULE. ♪

♪ AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LOT LIKE CHARLTON HESTON ♪

♪ STRANDED ON A PRIMATE PLANET, ♪

♪ APES AND ORANGUTANS THAT RAN IT TO THE GROUND, ♪

♪ WITH GENERALS AND THE ARMIES THAT OBEYED THEM, ♪

♪ FOLLOWERS FOLLOWING FABLES, ♪

♪ PHILOSOPHIES THAT ENABLED THEM TO RULE WITHOUT REGARD. ♪

[upbeat music]

♪♪

♪ THERE'S NO POINT FOR DEMOCRACY ♪

♪ WHEN IGNORANCE IS CELEBRATED. ♪

♪ POLITICAL SCIENTISTS GET THE SAME ONE VOTE ♪

♪ AS SOME ARKANSAS INBRED. ♪

♪ MAJORITY RULE DON'T WORK IN MENTAL INSTITUTIONS. ♪

♪ SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST, SOFTEST VOICE ♪

♪ CARRIES THE GRAND, BIGGEST SOLUTIONS. ♪

♪ WHAT ARE WE LEFT WITH? ♪

♪ A NATION OF GOD—FEARING PREGNANT NATIONALISTS ♪

♪ WHO FEEL IT'S THEIR DUTY TO POPULATE THE HOMELAND, ♪

♪ PASS ON TRADITIONS, ♪

♪ HOW TO GET AHEAD RELIGIONS, ♪

♪ AND PROSPERITY VIA SIMPLETON CULTURE. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THE IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER. ♪

♪ THEY'RE TAKING OVER. ♪

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪♪