Original subtitles

(playful flute music)

- Glink oil coming from the underbelly of my spaceship.

I can't explain it Tim, I'm in a lot of trouble.

- Well why, can't you just stuff

it up with a rag or a cork or something?

Why don't you just tighten something?

I'm sure it'll be all right.

- Tim, you're thinking earth-wise.

A Martian spaceship is not like your earth automobiles.

- Well a few minutes ago you said it was.

- No, I said like your earth automobile

a Martian spaceship cannot stand idle in a garage.

Stagnation, inertia, corrosion sets in.

- Oh.

Well why don't you just put it up

on jacks and drain it all out?

- I don't know but it shouldn't taste

like this this time of the year.

Tim, a Martian spaceship cannot be put upon jacks,

it cannot be drained out.

Like a fine racehorse, like a champion fighter,

to keep in shape it has to be exercised.

- Well then why don't you just

give it a couple laps around the garage?

Oh it tastes just like oil, how can you tell the difference?

- Because I'm a Martian and I've got

to get it in cycle before your seasons change.

- What are you talking about?

- Like you put antifreeze in your car radiators,

well the structure of a spaceship

is also affected by the weather.

Tonight, mm hmm, tonight and even

tonight may not be soon enough.

- Well what do you mean tonight anyway?

What are you talking about tonight, what?

- I must fly tonight, I must fly my spaceship tonight.

- You can't. - I have to.

- You can't, you can't.

- Tim, there's an old pop song on Mars.

It goes like this, "You can't say you can't to

"a Martian because there's nothing a Martian can't do."

- You can't, UFO. - I what?

- UFO, initials, Unidentified Flying Objects.

- Is that a song down here that I don't know about?

- No it's very, very serious.

Unidentified Flying Object,

they have an office down here for that kinda thing.

- Mm hmm, well I-A-S-V-I-M-C-R.

- [Tim] What is that, initials?

What does that mean, is that Martian?

- No, it's something I just made up

to go along with your initials.

It means I Am Very Sorry, It's My Calculated Risk.

If the weather is right, we fly tonight.

Tonight we fly.

- We?

- Me.

(playful flute tones)

(high-pitched beeping)

(mysterious electronic music)

(tepid trumpet music)

(tepid guitar, violin tones)

It's a perfect night.

- Shh, Mrs. Brown's asleep.

Boy, I still don't believe it.

- Shh. - What?

- Mrs. Brown.

(tepid guitar tones)

If anything happens, in case I don't come back--

- In case you don't what? - Shh.

I want you to burn my diary.

Destroy all traces of my having been here.

- Now wait, what do you mean in case you don't come back?

Now what could possibly go wrong?

You're gonna be coming back.

- Tim, I'm just trying to be cautious.

In case I crash it would be better if people

thought I'd just arrived rather than think

I've been here for any length of time.

- Well now look, you don't want to cause any panic do you?

- No. - Well then go back upstairs.

- Shh.

(anxious guitar, flute music)

- Martin look, now how are you gonna fly?

- Up and northeast by north. - That's not what I mean.

How are you gonna fly without anybody spotting you--

- Shh.

- Anybody spotting you?

- Tim, when I landed here,

I was able to do so without anyone seeing me.

- But that was different,

this is right in your own backyard.

- Which is where your earth morals

say your good fortune always lies.

Stop worrying Tim, there's no problems.

When I take off there's a faint

high-pitched whirl and then it cuts out.

When I return, I simply descend with no sound.

- You're really gonna do it, huh?

- Yes.

(mysterious electronic tones)

(high-pitched humming)

- How long are you gonna be?

- 58 minutes, seven seconds and three brumps.

- Brumps?

- Oh I never did explain that to you, did I?

Well it's a Martian concept of fine time.

It's in between the seconds.

That's not important, 58 minutes is enough for you.

(anxious synthesized tones)

- Now be careful, don't buzz anybody

and try to hide behind some clouds.

- [Martin] Will you stop shaking?

It's vibrating the ground, it's bouncing my level-scope.

- I can't help it, it's not every day that I

stand in my backyard and watch a spaceship take off.

But get outta here Uncle Martin,

I'm starting to get the nervous giggles.

- [Martin] Watch out for my backwash.

(anxious violin tones)

(high-pitched humming)

- Tim, is that you Tim?

Tim, I just heard the strangest sound.

Did you hear the strange sound?

- Sound?

No, no, I've just been standing around.

- And when I opened the door,

I'd swear that you were standing here giggling.

- Giggling?

Yes well I guess you caught me Mrs. Brown, I'm a giggler.

- Tim, are you all right?

- Oh yes I'm fine, just a midnight giggler.

I'm bird watching.

- You're what? - Bird watching.

You see there's the midnight giggler, well that's a bird

and I'm out here trying to catch him and what you do is

when he lands, you take your robe and you throw it over him.

- Midnight giggler?

- Yes that's right,

it's a very rare bird and I'm trying to catch him

and I'm terribly sorry I disturbed you Mrs. Brown.

- That's all right but there was this very strange sound,

a high-pitched whirring sound up in the air.

- No, no, no, no, that's impossible.

I've been out here the entire time

and I didn't hear a thing, not a single sound.

Dreaming, you must have been dreaming Mrs. Brown.

- Well I guess you're right, maybe I was dreaming.

(yawning)

- Yes well you better go to bed Mrs. Brown,

you look very, very sleepy.

- Bird watching?

- Yes well I'm surprised I haven't

told you about that before Mrs. Brown.

I love bird watching, been bird watching all my

entire life and especially the midnight giggler

and if one lands here and I catch it,

I'll be sure and wake you up all right?

Well goodnight Mrs. Brown, sleep tight.

(yawning)

(relaxed violin, guitar music)

(playful ensemble music)

(relaxed violin, guitar music)

(audience laughs)

(anxious violin tones)

Martin, how was the trip?

- It was beautiful, beautiful Tim.

- Well you better get this thing outta here,

Mrs. Brown's been out here already.

(tepid violin, flute tones)

- Tim, you don't know how good it feels

know that your spaceship is-- - Tim, Tim?

Are you still out there?

- Garage, garage.

(anxious trumpet, violin tones)

- Oh, you are still here.

- Yes.

- Have you been watching for

your midnight giggler all this time?

- Yes.

- Then you must have seen it. - No.

- No not your bird, that thing in the sky.

- The thing up in the sky, what thing, what sky?

- Well I don't know, it was about up there someplace.

It was shooting across the sky.

- I thought you were asleep.

- Well I was but well not really.

I kept tossing and then I looked out my window

and I saw this, well I don't know what it was

shooting across the sky. - Nightmare.

- What?

- Well you see you were dreaming again,

only this time you were having a (yawn) nightmare.

- But I wasn't asleep.

- Oh but of course you were but

that's the way it is with nightmares.

You see you think you're awake but you're

really (yawning) asleep because if you knew

that you were asleep, it wouldn't be a nightmare.

- Oh I guess you're right, goodn--

Goodnight dear. - Goodnight.

- I hope you get to see your bird.

(tepid ensemble tones)

- Well I had to write the story, I had absolutely no choice.

I am the Science Editor on the paper

and these people just kept calling.

- Oh I understand Tim, I'm not blaming you.

- Well I don't blame you for not blaming me.

You were the one that was sighted.

You know I can double-talk Mrs. Brown but

I cannot double-talk a whole city full of

people who saw you hot rodding in the moonlight.

You do understand you were seen, spotted, sighted?

You are a (warbling) flying saucer.

(high-pitched humming)

- Now what's so frightening about a flying saucer?

(high-pitched humming)

Now a flying cup, that's something to worry about.

- Okay Uncle Martin, have your fun.

I'm sure you're enjoying yourself but I'm glad it's over.

- But it isn't.

- What, what do you mean it isn't, what do you mean?

- Well my flight last night was successful

but not completely, I must make one more.

- It's too risky.

- Nevertheless these parts,

delicate Plutron must be honed in action.

- But you can't fly. - I must.

My spaceship is in repair cycle,

once that's started there's no turning back.

Answer the door, they're here.

- But Uncle Martin, it was in tonight's

paper and everyone's gonna be watching it.

They're here, who's here, what door?

- That door, two men with Mrs. Brown.

They're from that office with those silly initials.

- [Lorelei] Yoo hoo Uncle Martin, Tim?

- UFO, that's where they're from,

Unidentified Flying Objects. - What?

- Uncle Martin? - Answer the door.

- The door yeah, but, but, but, but--

- Answer the door. - The door.

(tepid trumpet tones)

- So when I read your article in this afternoon's

edition and realized that I was right last night

and it wasn't a nightmare,

you know when you were out there looking for your bird--

- She called our office and told us

that she saw a UFO right outside her window.

- And I told them if I saw what I saw from my window,

imagine the view they could get from

your window, being you're much higher up.

- I hope we're not intruding but may we stay?

- No.

Yes, yes, of course you're not intruding.

Make yourselves right at home.

- I'll go down and put up some hot coffee and brownies.

- [Tim] Well what's that, things and equipment and stuff?

- A couple of gadgets, we put them together.

Compact units and a small audio camera.

- A ranging unit and a Plutron detector.

I hope we're not intruding. - No.

- There are a lot of teams like us but we probably

won't sight anything but if there is something--

- We certainly appreciate this.

- Tim.

Very shrewd move on you part. - Yes I thought so.

- But it won't work, I'm still going out tonight.

- Oh but you can't, not with them in the house.

- With them in the house, they've got testers,

they've got counters, they've got a Plutron counter

and they can zero in on my spaceship in the garage

in a second and one of them's got an electronic

beeper that makes my antennas rise and whistle.

- Uncle Martin. - Hmm?

- Fly.

- I am, it's the only way to go.

- [Jack] It's an excellent sighting area, excellent.

- Yeah, it'd be even nicer if you had something to sight.

- You don't have to grin at me.

You don't believe in spaceships and neither do I

nor do I believe in flying saucers or fish-eyed

Venusians or Moon Men or-- - What about Martians?

(chuckles)

I don't understand, what's so funny?

- Them I believe in. - You do?

- That's why I'm laughing.

Jim my partner, he saw one.

- Your partner saw a Martian?

- Jack, Jack go on downstairs, set up audio camera okay?

- Good Jim, good.

I was just telling them about your Martian.

- Sure.

(laughs)

- Where did he see a Martian?

- In here, you see this has a micromatic attachment.

It only focuses 500 miles or on out,

anything closer gets distorted.

- I know. - How do you know?

Well it doesn't matter.

Anyway Jim and I were on a routine job and he was

looking through here when all of a sudden he spotted

this thing flying out there just as bold as you please.

Well he hollered for me to verify the sighting,

(laughs)

except that,

you'd have to be a UFO man to appreciate the humor here.

Well he (laughs),

he got so excited, he knocked this front piece out of whack.

- But it seems so strong,

how could you knock it out of whack?

- By doing what you just did.

- So I didn't see his Martian but he kept

insisting that I verify it and the more I wouldn't,

the bigger his story grew.

So we finally made a deal.

I wouldn't verify his Martian but I'll believe he saw one,

a green one.

So I believe in Martians.

- A green one?

- Well if I'm going to believe in Martians,

I might as well believe in green ones.

(tepid flute tones)

Green.

- Really, green?

- Like the color of a pool table, that kind of green and

one large orange eye and well,

like a W.C. Fields type of nose

that keeps flashing on and off red.

- I always thought Martians were beige.

- Beige?

- It's such a warm color.

- You take this spoon and you climb

into the tree outside the bedroom.

- You're putting me on.

- No, I shifted the adjustment on his telescope.

He won't realize it but this spoon at 15 feet

will look like a mile-wide flying saucer.

- In a tree?

- Mm hmm, suspended from a simple piece of white string.

- Jack.

Jack, got the audio camera all lined up.

Any UFOs that come zipping around here, (lips clacking).

- What's that?

- Oh this is a Plutron counter.

- Oh of course.

- It's really quite simple once you know how to operate it.

- Now we take this Plutron and we

throw off his counting machine.

- How do we do that? - With Mrs. Brown.

During the panic, turn on the garbage disposal unit.

I re-wired it this morning.

Its frequency pitch is in audible range with my spaceship.

- You put the sink in sync? (audience laughs)

(electronic humming)

- Isn't that cute?

- Jim.

- Yeah I see. - Is something wrong?

- You sure you got it zeroed right?

- Perfect, everything's perfect.

- What's wrong, what is it?

(mechanical clicking)

(audience laughing)

(high-pitched humming)

- Do you, do you have a spaceship

here somewhere parked?

- Oh that's cute, what is that?

(high pitched electronic tone)

- Why is it pointing at me?

- I don't know.

(audience laughs)

Man, it's gone crazy.

- [Jim] What are you thinking?

See, give it a tether.

- Keep that thing away from me.

Why is it looking at me?

Please gentlemen, do something about that.

Shoo.

- I'll just figure it out.

- You turn on the garbage disposal.

Now when they come running up the stairs,

you climb out the window and get into

the tree and dangle that spoon like I told you.

(tepid flute, violin tones)

- Please, I haven't been so aggravated in my entire life.

(scream)

Please will you get that thing away?

- I don't know Jim.

(shouting)

Shut off the camera.

(screams)

Well shut it off.

- [Lorelei] Get those things away, keep them away from me.

(sharp violin tone)

(anxious violin music)

(high-pitched humming)

- Did you put it back in meter?

It doesn't seem to be in scope.

- The meter's in,

the Uncle grabbed it but I put it back I think.

500 miles.

(anxious violin tones)

- Jack,

Jack.

- [Jack] What?

- I've got it, I've got it again.

Another Martian.

- Jim let me see it, let me see.

I'm not gonna believe anymore unless I see.

- Tim?

- I'm telling you Jim, no seeing is no believing.

- Have a look yourself.

- Nothing. - Are you kidding?

It's right there.

Here, look.

(leaves rustling)

- No.

- Where'd he go, come back you green--

- Tim, are you hurt? (Tim groans)

Now what were you doing up in the tree?

This is no time to be looking for your midnight giggler.

(anxious violin tones)

(high-pitched humming)

- [Jim] I saw it, I really saw it, a real spaceship.

- Sure, with a green Martian in it.

- No, no this time he was all red like an apple.

- Jim.

- Believe me, a little hamburger patty on

your nose and the swelling will go right down.

- Did you see it, did you?

- What happened to you?

- He fell out of a tree.

I'm really ashamed of you Tim.

I was taking my constitutional and I looked up

in the tree right outside my bedroom window

and there was my nephew apparently playing

some kind of a joke on you people.

- Oh, he was looking for the midnight giggler.

- No, he was dangling a spoon at the end of a piece

of thread and it was right in front of the telescope lens.

If you check, you will see and I think

you will find that that was your flying saucer.

- A spoon?

- My nephew, he's always been overzealous,

looking to make a scoop for tomorrow's paper.

What makes Timmy run?

- All right but what about the UFO sound, what about that?

- Oh well that's very simple.

(high pitched humming) (garbage disposal rumbling)

- Then it was a nightmare.

What was I doing dreaming about your garbage disposal?

- Thank you, thank you very much for the use of your home.

- It's too bad,

it's quite an experience when you see a Martian.

I've seen a Martian, you know.

- Yes I'm sure you have, a green one.

(groan)

Oh it's a little raw, he likes it well done.

- Well done coming up.

- Well done? - Well done.

- Oh.

You know I was just thinking how wild that really was,

my being in that tree and dangling that spoon in

front of that telescope, making like a spaceship.

- I appreciate it Tim and I'm glad you didn't

hurt yourself too badly falling out of that tree.

- Oh listen, that was nothing.

I was just glad you were able to get that

spaceship up into the air and make the adjustments

and fix that glink oil leak.

You know I can't get over how wild that really is,

being able to fly outta here without anyone

noticing you, besides Mrs. Brown and my newspaper.

You had those two UFO investigators in here right

in the house, you flew out right from under their noses.

- And that's why this last one is nothing to worry about.

They're gone, all is asleep and it is the end

of my cycle and the correction of the stagnation.

- What was that, Uncle Martin?

I didn't hear what you said.

Uncle Martin, what was that about correction?

Uncle Martin?

(anxious violin music)

No.

Oh no.

No. (high-pitched humming)

* Oh he flies through the air with the greatest of ease

* Carrying a man on the flying trapeze

(playful ensemble tones)

(tepid violin, trumpet music)