Original subtitles

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music) (audience laughing)

- Must you do that?

- What's that?

- It's a serapedullaicksnayguruledooadepa

and why don't you go home?

- Neat.

- It is efficient, essential, and broken,

but definitely not neat.

Now will you kindly go home?

- What's it do?

- Nothing at the moment, which is precisely the problem.

- What's it do when it's fixed?

- It whistles Dixie.

Now why don't you run along and play

with your little friends, huh?

- What friends?

- Figures. (audience laughing)

There, that oughta do it.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

Uh, maybe you can find some nice

little old lady who needs to be helped

across the street, huh?

- That's for boy scouts.

What are you gonna do in there?

- Obviously nothing. (audience laughing)

(popping)

- How come you don't have a job?

My mom said guys that don't have jobs are bums.

- Your mother is a...

A charming woman. (audience laughing)

Now why don't you run along and give her

the pleasure of your company, hm?

(buzzing) (popping)

(audience laughing)

Neat.

(beeping)

(slow, ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

- Hey, you know, you could replace automation.

- Tim, the situation is becoming untenable.

- Oh come on, now, he's just a child

with normal curiosities and, well,

you know how kids are.

- I do not know how kids are.

Where I come from, we born with

our faculties fully developed.

- Well he'll stop hanging around, he'll lose interest and...

- Mhm, and while he's losing interest, I'm losing time.

I haven't been able to get near the garage

for almost a week now.

Every time I make a move, there's Horrible Horace.

What am I going to do about that child?

- You sound terribly concerned about the whole thing.

You don't think he suspects anything, do ya?

- I wouldn't know.

- Well you can read his mind can't ya?

- Ah ha ha, it isn't easy to read the mind of a 10 year old.

Some of your most distinguished child psychologists

admit that it's almost impossible to grasp

the mental processes of a 10 year old boy.

- Well, his mind is sending, isn't it?

- Oh, it's sending, alright.

Horace is sending and I'm receiving,

and who can decipher it?

- Decipher what?

- I intercept a steady stream of gibberish,

which consists primarily of "neat,"

"neat-o," "gonna bust that Fatso one,"

and "how about that Sandy Cofax."

That's delivered rather admiring.

Makes sense to you?

- Sure.

- Then you've missed your vocation.

I suggest that you give up reporting,

and devote your entire time to--

(gasping) (buzzing)

- What's the matter? Something wrong, Uncle Martin?

- It's coming.

- What's coming?

- I could say the millennium,

but it would be a big, fat lie.

It's Horrible Horace, he's on his way over here

right this minute.

I can't face it.

I simply can't face it.

You'll have to cope with him, I'm going to disappear.

(buzzing)

- You're still here.

- Of course I'm still here, I'm just invisible.

- No you're not.

- Don't be ridiculous.

Relax, raise antenna, concentrate, all gone.

- Uh uh.

- You mean I'm not all gone?

- Well your antennas are up, but, um,

you're still visible.

- Huh, huh, what?

Maybe I didn't relax enough.

I'll try again.

Relax.

Raise antenna.

- Uh, you can't.

- I can't what?

- Raise your antennas, they're already up.

- Already up, are they?

(audience laughing)

They're stuck. - You're kidding.

- I'm not kidding. My antenna are stuck.

- Do you mean you can't disappear?

- That's exactly what I mean.

Do you realize that if Horrible Horace

sees me in this condition, the jig is up?

That kid has a very large mouth.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(tense music)

- Smaller, smaller.

- I can't make myself smaller. (audience laughing)

- No, no, no, no, no.

Under the couch.

- I can't get under the couch, I'll bend my antenna.

I've never been so humiliated my whole life,

and I'm 451 years old. (audience laughing)

(slow, tense music)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- You'll see.

(tense music)

Put it on, fast.

- But, but but-- - Don't argue.

With my antenna, I stand out like a sore thumb.

But if we both have antenna...

- I don't get it.

- If you wanted to hide a tree, where would you hide it?

- In the forest?

- Roger.

Zero hour.

(slow, tense music)

(audience laughing)

I don't believe I heard you knock.

(whistling)

(whistling)

(whistling)

- Neat.

Neat-o.

I'm gonna get some and play Martian, too.

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

- Uncle Martin, your mouth is open.

- I know, I opened it.

- Did you hear what that little boy said?

He's gonna run right out and make some antennas.

- It's a revolting idea, but I doubt

that it will come to anything.

His mother's hardly likely to permit him

to use their television antenna.

- I suppose you're right.

- And would you mind taking off those silly things?

If there's anything I hate, it's a cheap copy.

(audience laughing) - Oh (chuckling).

I'm sorry.

Well, at least that worked.

Well now do you think you can get your antenna down?

- I don't know.

I've never faced this problem before.

- Suppose they stay stuck like that, forver.

(slow, tense music)

- Bite your tongue. (audience laughing)

- [Tim] Oh Uncle Martin, look, we're not

even sure the steam'll turn the trick.

- It doesn't do much for lobsters, either.

(audience laughing)

More.

(slow music)

- Uncle Martin, you're getting redder.

- Just turn, turn.

(slow music) (audience laughing)

- 103.

104.

105.

106.

107.

- Anything?

- Uh uh.

- If anyone had told me 100 years ago

that this was going to happen to me.

I may have to spend the next 250 years in this condition.

- Don't worry, Uncle Martin.

I'll take care of you, somehow.

- Thank you, Tim.

I'm very touched.

However...

You'll have to will me to your son,

your grandson, your great grandson,

and your great, great grandson, and--

- Oh yeah.

I never thought of that.

- Handed down from one generation to another,

like an old high boy.

Or a cane back rocking chair.

An antique.

- Oh don't say that, Uncle Martin.

There's gotta be an answer.

I know there is.

- Yeah.

- Antenna.

- Antenna?

Let me see.

No, no antenna.

How 'bout a nice pogo stick?

Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity.

No?

(audience laughing)

Uh, pinball game.

You shoot it, it tilts, and the lights go on,

and a big siren goes off.

(audience laughing) No?

Well I'm sorry, I don't have a toy antenna, boys.

Where'd you see them?

- Tim O'Hara and his Uncle Martin.

- Well why don't you ask them where they got 'em?

- They didn't get 'em, they made 'em.

- Made 'em?

- Out of TV antennas.

- Wow.

And all the kids want them?

Made 'em, huh?

Tell you what boys.

I'll look into it, you come back in a couple of days,

and we will see what we will see.

Alright?

- [All] Neat.

(upbeat music)

Milton Surplus?

Now Barnaby here.

Listen, Milton.

Have you still got that shipment of

TV antennas you got stuck with?

Right.

What about those metal sleeve bands?

Right.

Hey, we're in business.

Yeah, how's this for a slogan:

"Be a Martian." (audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing) (upbeat music)

(children yelling)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing?

- Chilling myself.

- Why?

- Because I think I'm a dry martini.

(audience laughing)

Sorry.

(murmuring)

I thought I would try reducing the body temperature.

It's an act of desperation.

- I don't wanna upset you anymore than you are.

- Nothing could make the situation any worse than it is.

- You haven't been out of the house for a few days.

- Well I hardly think it would be politic

to exhibit myself in this condition.

(audience laughing) - Yeah.

Uncle Martin, half the kids in town

are now wearing antenna.

- They're what?

- Wearing antenna, you know, (whistling).

- Revolting.

- Revolting?

- How would you like to have some physical characteristic

of yours imitated and ridiculed?

- Yeah, I guess that is pretty revolting.

- And humiliating.

And demeaning.

Is there something else?

- Yes.

- Well, out with it, out with it.

I can't read minds, you know.

Not anymore. (audience laughing)

- I...

I got a call at the office today.

(phone ringing) That's it.

- That's what?

- The call.

You see, I told them to call me here at home tonight.

- Well?

Answer it. (phone ringing)

- It's for you. (audience laughing)

- Everyone can read minds but me.

(audience laughing)

Hello?

This is Martin O'Hara.

Yeah?

You what?

Oh.

That was Minute Magazine.

They wanna do a story on me, with pictures.

It seems that I'm the inventor of a fad

that's sweeping the nation.

It's bigger than the hula hoop.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(baaing)

(audience laughing) (baaing)

Who asked for your opinion? (audience laughing)

(whistling)

- It's not working.

- Obviously.

What are we going to do about Minute Magazine?

You know, we can't go on stalling them indefinitely.

They'll become suspicious.

- Well, I don't see why they should become suspicious.

- There are times when I find you remarkably naive.

In your society, if a man invents or produces something,

what's the first thing that he does?

- Advertises, I guess.

- Right.

And if the opportunity presents itself

to get a lot of free publicity, and the man doesn't take it,

what does that make him?

- A nut? (audience laughing)

- Well I wouldn't put it quite that way,

but that's the idea.

Now, if I permit the magazine to do a spread on me,

I'll get a lot of publicity I don't want.

If I don't permit them, they will become intrigued.

- Oh, and then you'll just get a lot of publicity anyway.

(audience laughing) (upbeat music)

(gasping)

- Oh, I beg your pardon, it's, you know,

the peanuts, you know.

(gasping) (buzzing)

(audience laughing)

Something wrong?

- Unc!

- What's the matter? Go down the wrong way?

- Your...

Look, look, look, look, look.

- They're down! - They're down!

- Down. - Yeah, way down.

* Upon the Swanee River

* Far, far away

- How did it happen?

- You mean you don't know?

- Well it chagrins me to admit it, but no, I don't know.

- What happens when my radio goes on the blink?

- You mean when it stops playing?

- Yeah, that's right, what do I do?

- You kick it.

You...

You kick it a sudden jolt.

- A sudden jolt, just like that hiccup

you had down there.

And then what happens finally?

- It makes the connection, and it works.

It worked! - It worked!

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

For me?

Oh. (audience laughing)

- You deserve 'em.

(buzzing)

- I'm famished.

I haven't felt this hungry in days.

- Well come on, we'll go out and have a steak.

- With onion rings.

- With everything, we'll celebrate.

- We'll celebrate.

(knocking)

- Yes?

- Mr. O'Hara?

- Yes.

- I'm Barnaby, this is my attorney, Mr. Smight.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- Can we come in?

- Yes, please do.

Uh, sit down, please.

- Oh, thank you.

- I...

I'd like you to meet my Uncle Martin.

- This is just the man we want to see.

- Why?

- Let me handle it.

Mr. O'Hara, we understand that you are the inventor

of the new game, Be A Martian.

- Oh, well (laughing) it was nothing.

- Some nothing.

Ever since Horace came in and asked

for an antenna, you do know Horace don't you?

He certainly knows you. (baaing)

- Oh I know him well.

He's a living doll. (audience laughing)

- Yes, yes, of course.

Well at any rate, Mr. Barnaby has a proposition for you.

- What kind of a proposition?

- A very lucrative one, I might say.

Mr. Barnaby is manufacturing the item.

- That's before I knew the right to--

- Until...

I informed him he'd better clear it with you.

You see, Mr. Barnaby wishes to triple,

or even quadruple his output.

- It's like a mission.

In the next six months, there won't be a kid

from the rock bound coast of Maine,

to the sunny shores of California,

that won't be wearing an antenna.

It'll be as big as a-- - Don't say it.

- No, no, my uncle isn't interested, Mr. Barnaby.

- Well, then he should have no objections

in turning over his rights to us.

For an equitable settlement of course.

- Tell him about the patent, the patent.

- Yes, yes.

Well, now then, in order to protect his investment,

Mr. Barnaby wishes to patent the item.

Naturally, you'll be given credit

as the inventor, of course.

(audience laughing)

Was there anything wrong, Mr. O'Hara?

- No, no, no.

Why don't you just leave the papers here

and we'll have my attorney check them?

- Well, fine, fine.

- Yeah, but don't wait too long.

We don't want anybody else to beat us to the punch.

(baaing)

- [Mr. Smight] Good night.

- Good night.

(knocking)

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- Why do you keep a goat in your apartment?

(audience laughing)

- Any ideas?

Well we just gotta stop Barnaby from patenting that thing.

Because if he does, they'll be a record

at the patent office in Washington.

And then the tax people are gonna come down here

and wanna check our books.

And then, your presence will be officially established.

Then they'll discover that you

don't have a birth certificate.

You don't have a social security number.

You don't even have a driver's license.

- And if they take my finger prints,

they'll discover I don't have those, either.

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Where you going?

- No place.

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

- [Tim] What are you doing?

- I always think better lying down.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Uncle Martin.

What are you doing?

- Sit down.

- Okay.

What are you doing?

- Solving our problem.

- You mean it?

- Of course I mean it.

Wishful thinking, double talk, and childish boasting

are strictly Earth characteristics.

We are going to discuss human nature.

- Well you know, Uncle Martin,

I really enjoy our philosophical discussions but,

right now, don't you think you oughta tell me

exactly how you solved our problem?

- I'll simplify it, and illustrate how

I have solved our problem.

- Good, because I don't think we can stall Barnaby

much longer about the patent.

- We won't have to.

I begin.

We will begin by considering human nature.

- [Tim] But--

- With the emphasis on human.

- Okay.

- Well let me put it this way.

What do you know about fads?

- Fads?

- Fads.

- Well I know they sweep the country.

- And how is a fad terminated?

Ended?

- I don't know.

- Well, I do.

- You do?

- Yes, I do.

I most certainly do.

Oh, I can remember the Big Apple

and college boys wearing raccoon coats,

and swallowing gold fish.

But to get to the case in point.

The only way to end the fad,

is to replace it with another.

Well?

- Oh, I'm following you.

But I'm not getting any place. (audience laughing)

- I'll elaborate.

What if suddenly there wasn't a solitary child

interested in playing Martian anymore?

- Well, all the kids would take their antenna

and through 'em in the toy box.

- And forget about them. - Right.

- And Barnaby would have no market for his antenna,

and subsequently no reason to manufacture them.

And, ipso-facto, no reason to patent the device.

Minute Magazine would not be interested.

- Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

- Even on Mars, I'm rather highly thought of.

(audience laughing) - What's the plan?

- I am going to initiate a new fad.

It works on the drawing board, and there's no reason

why it shouldn't work in practical application.

It's inexpensive, it's easy to make,

and it's unpatentable and if I know human nature, and I do,

in 24 hours, antenna will be a glut on the market.

Now, I will need the following supplies.

(upbeat music)

- What's that?

- You'll see.

- Kid stuff. (audience laughing)

- I don't recall inviting you to be an observer.

Clothes pin, please.

Mhm.

(humming)

(audience laughing) Alright, rubber band.

Ah, now, for the moment of truth.

Tighter, tighter, tighter.

- What for?

- Tight, but not too tight.

The principle, the same as that applied

to a model airplane.

- What's it do?

- It's called a nosemobile, and anyone can make one.

Right now, open your mouth.

(slow music)

(audience laughing) Take off.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

The planet Earth is divided into two parts.

One adult, one child.

And to understand the workings of a child's mind,

you don't have to be a Martian.

But it helps. (audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(upbeat music)