Original subtitles

(A Midsummer Night's Dream)

- Good morning.

- Shh, shh, shh.

Mendelssohn's Midsummer Night's Dream.

- No kidding?

I would've sworn that was Melancholy Baby.

- That's your trouble, Tim.

If it doesn't come out of a jukebox, it isn't music.

I wanted to compare this version

with the one that we're going to hear tonight

at the Philharmonic.

- We're going to hear?

Like we, as in you and me?

- No, we as in you and I.

I was lucky enough to get a couple of reservations tonight.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

I have to go bowling tonight.

I promised the guys that I'd join 'em

because we have a team match.

- Well, don't worry about it.

I'll go alone.

- Oh, cut it out, Uncle Martin.

You can't stand going any place by yourself.

Why don't you take somebody?

Hey, how about Lorelei Brown?

Why, she'd jump at the chance.

- Our landlady, our unmarried landlady?

I can see you're not familiar with that entire composition.

(discordant music)

- I see what you mean.

- Not that Lorelei Brown isn't a very charming person.

It's just that she's afflicted with that ailment

known in sociological circles

as the orange blossom syndrome.

- Well, it's your own fault for being so irresistible.

- Can I help it if I'm handsome, debonair, witty?

- And modest?

- It's just that we Martians believe in being truthful.

- Uncle Martin, whenever a bachelor

takes out an unattached female

he's always taking a calculated risk.

- You're right.

I am being selfish in depriving her of my company.

- I'll tell you what.

When the orchestra starts playing the Wedding March

why don't you just chomp on your popcorn real loud

drown 'em out?

- I just hope she doesn't start to cry

when I tell her that I'm taking her to the concert.

(peppy music)

(radio beeping)

(My Favorite Martian theme)

(upbeat music)

(person knocking on the door)

- Oh my, Martin.

Won't you come in?

- Thank you.

- My goodness, what a pleasant surprise.

- Oh, beautiful.

But unfortunately so fragile and delicate.

As the poet put it

loveliest of lovely things are they on Earth

that soonest away.

- The rose that lives its little hour

is prized beyond the sculptured flower.

- Now that's a rather obscure quotation.

How do you happen to know it?

- I learned it from a very interesting gentlemen

one afternoon as we were boating in Westlake Park.

Remember?

- Oh yes, yes, yes, of course.

- Well, my goodness, you rowed like a Viking.

- Well, I believe in keeping myself in good condition

Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, call me Lorelei.

- Lorelei. Lorelei, I know you like music.

- Oh, there's nothing I'd rather listen to.

My, that was lovely music coming out of Tim's apartment

a while ago.

(hums the Wedding March)

(audience laughs)

- Well, there's a concert tonight.

Pick you up at 7:30?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I already have a date.

- That's no problem.

I'm sure he'll understand, phone him.

- I'm sorry, Martin, but I wouldn't break this date

for anything in the world.

(dramatic music)

- Look, Uncle Martin, if you'd like

I can call the guys and I'll tell 'em

I can't go bowling tonight

and I'll go with you to the concert.

- Oh, that won't be necessary.

I've canceled the reservations for the tickets.

- You have?

Oh look, now just 'cuz Mrs. Brown won't go with you.

- That had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Her refusal to go doesn't affect me the least bit.

- Oh, is that right?

Well, then why are you stirring your coffee with a fork?

- Well, i's a habit I picked up on Mars.

We make our coffee awfully thick up there.

- Well, actually you ought to be jumping for joy.

Now that Mrs. Brown has a boyfriend

you are no longer number one man on her most wanted list.

- It is a relief.

- And you've been saying that she's a matrimonial hazard.

Well, now you're off the hook.

- Yes, it's a wonderful feeling.

- Well, if you'd like to hear Melancholy Baby

you will find it in the next room

on the left-hand side of the shelf.

Oh, who is he?

- Who is who?

- Mrs. Brown's date?

- Oh, she told me, but I was so disinterested

I hardly listened.

His name is Andre Philippe Charles Dupre.

She met him at 3:27 last Tuesday.

He has blue eyes and they met at a fashion show.

- Hm, but you hardly listened.

What was he doing at a fashion show?

- Oh, they were modeling some of the creations

from his salon.

- A dressmaker?

- No, a dress designer.

- The same difference.

- Lorelei said she'd drop by so we can meet him.

- Oh, I can give you a thumbnail sketch of him right now.

The guy is about five foot two

and he weighs about 120 pounds.

He has a white carnation coming out of his lapel

and he has round shoulders, limp wrists.

(person knocks at the door)

- I'm sorry, friend.

If you're looking for a piano to move

we don't even have one.

- Oh, Andre, this is Tim O'Hara.

Tim, this is Andre Dupre.

- This is Andre?

- Enchante.

- Threading needles hasn't hurt his grip.

- Okay, this is Tim's uncle, Martin O'Hara.

- Oh, how do you do?

Won't you come in?

(suspenseful music)

- You've got quite a grip.

- And Martin's quite athletic.

He rowed clear around Westlake Park three times.

- Four times.

- In a strange boat.

Do you row, Mr. Dupre?

- Hardly worth mentioning

French national champion 1933.

But today, I could probably not

do as well as my friend the teacher here.

- Professor, professor of Anthropology.

A-B, M-A, E-E-D, and P-H-D.

- Oh, no offense mon ami

I have the greatest respect for learning.

In fact, I have endowed a chair at the university

my favorite subject.

- Hem stitching?

- The history of custom design.

It's a pleasure to know that Andre's salon

of fashion is instrumental in keeping so many professor

from malnutrition.

- Oh, my goodness there.

There's so many things about you that I don't know.

- It will give us something to talk about

on our way to the theater.

- Oh, I'm certainly looking forward to it.

Bye.

Coming, Andre?

- A most charming lady, no?

- Yes.

- Au revoir.

Au revoir.

(audience laughs)

- Au revoir.

(mid-tempo music)

Oh, Uncle Martin, what are you doing out here?

- Oh, oh, well it was such a clear night.

First time I've been able to observe Jupiter all week.

And look at Saturn.

You can almost see the rings.

- Hm, boy, you really know that sky

even without a roadmap.

- Maybe you forget that I worked my way through college

as a guide for Interplanetary Tours, Incorporated.

Our slogan was one low price covers everything

including a visit to a nightclub on Mercury.

- Well, maybe some day I will be able to take that tour.

- Let's pick out an itinerary.

There's Orion, Alpha Centauri and-

Why hasn't he brought her home yet?

- Why hasn't who brought who?

Uncle Martin, would you mind stepping into my office?

I think it's about time that you and I

had a man to Martian talk.

(audience laughs)

- Tim, you have no idea how wide-eyed and child-like she is.

- Are you talking about our landlady

or Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm?

Now, Mrs. Brown is a very nice person.

But she's not exactly a teenager.

- But-

- Uncle Martin, you are far more intelligent

than I ever hope to be.

But, as an ancient philosopher once said

even a wise man sometimes cannot see forest

on account of trees.

- Tim, if you're trying to tell me something

you haven't succeeded.

- But that's exactly it.

Now look, normally you would be a zillion light years

ahead of me.

But don't you know what's bothering you?

You, Uncle Martin, are jealous.

- Me, jealous? Nonsense.

Martians are above human frailties.

Restless sleep interrupted by violent dreams

loss of appetite period new paragraph.

- Oh, what is it you're working on?

- Oh, I'm making some notes for a monograph

I intend to write when I get back to Mars.

Tim, you were right.

I am jealous.

- Well, you finally got around to admitting it, eh?

- Yes, I'm afraid I can't deny it.

I seem to have all the classical symptoms

accelerated pulse, slight fever,

occasional involuntary sighs

and a strange feeling around my heart.

- Hm, like you just swallowed a 12-inch pizza?

- 24-inch, with anchovies and pepperoni on it.

The strangest thing is that until Andre showed up

I didn't realize myself how I felt about

Lorelei.

Oh, oh.

- Careful, you're cooling the coffee.

Well, I'll tell you what you have to do.

You call him to the telephone

and you tell him if he doesn't stay away from her

that you're gonna come right down there

and poke him in the nose.

- Tim, when he was here the other night

I read his mind.

Besides being a rowing champion

he was runner-up in the Olympic heavyweight finals.

- Oh, well he can't bluff us.

He's a Frenchman.

Challenge him to a duel.

- Gold medal, pan-European fencing tournament.

Tim, you have no idea what I'm going through.

- Are you kidding?

You are talking to an expert.

I started this when I was in junior high school.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

I was going around with this beautiful little blonde

and then this guy came along and started, you know

muscling in on my time.

He told her that he was an executive at some supermarket.

- And that was the end of your romance?

- No, no, no.

I did a little sleuthing on my own

and I found out that he was a vice president

in charge of mops and brooms.

- What did you do?

- I did what any normal, red-blooded American male would do.

I wrote her an anonymous letter.

Well, that cooked his turkey.

Wait a minute.

Andre, and that so-called salon that he's supposed to own.

- You're not suggesting that I snoop around

his place of business in the hope of learning something

to his discredit.

- Why not?

- Because it's unethical and undignified

and unworthy of a Martian.

And what's the address of that salon?

- So, after 26 years, Francine

you're leaving us.

But it will be good to be back in la belle France, no?

- Oui

Adieu, monsieur Andre.

- Oh no, no, no, not adieu, old friend

au revoir.

When I come to Marseilles, remember

you must cook me a true bouillabaisse.

Au revoir.

- Au revoir, monsieur.

- Would you come in, please?

(orchestral music)

- Oh, that poor kid.

She must be freezing.

- Why don't you offer her your coat?

- Are you mad?

(audience laughs)

I knew there was something phony about that Andre

all that big talk about endowing universities.

- What do you mean?

- $4.98, he'd have to sell a whole carload of these things

just to feed one starving professor.

Hey, I think I'll send one of these things

to my aunt Bernice in Sioux City.

Miss?

- [Woman] Yes, sir?

- I'll take one of these things.

Can you have it gift wrapped?

- Certainly. You have an eye for value.

It's an Andre original and only $498.

- Does that include trading stamps?

(audience laughs)

- So, I could have told her to her face

but it will be more diplomatic this way.

You know how proud Francine is.

- What are we doing out here?

The scenery's a lot better out front.

- Shh.

- [Andre] My dear Mademoiselle Renee.

No, better make that my very dear Francine

the check you will receive every month

is small payment for all you have meant to me

this many years.

- Well, it sounds like he's giving Mademoiselle the brush.

- You really shouldn't be eavesdropping.

- You're right.

- [Andre] That we'll be oceans apart is unfortunate.

But c'est la vie.

- How do you like that?

After giving him the best years of her life.

- Would that our association could continue forever.

But alas, even the best things must end.

Sign it fondly, Andre.

- The cad.

- Uncle Martin, I want to apologize for us Earth people.

Well, I wonder who this Francine Renee really is.

Oh boy, I bet she could give him a character reference

one she'd have to write on asbestos.

- Somehow, I don't feel comfortable in this snooper role.

- Are you kidding?

All is fair in love and war.

Hey, I wonder if it could be one of those girls over there.

How 'bout that long-stemmed beauty?

- Easy enough to find out.

No, no, her name is Charlotte, Charlotte Higgins.

- Oh.

- And her husband is a wrestler.

- I was always partial to short-legged girls.

How 'bout that one there?

- Jeanine, Susan, Frances, Sonia.

- But no Francine?

- No Francine.

- [Francine] Oui, monsieur?

- That's funny, I could've sworn-

- [Francine] May I be of service?

- You're Francine?

- Oui, monsieur.

Francine Renee at your service.

- Tim, I'm heartily ashamed of myself.

- Why, because you didn't get something on Andre?

- No, for suspecting the worst about someone.

And even more ashamed because I hoped to find it.

- But I thought you cared about Mrs. Brown.

- Well, that's the point.

When you really care about someone

you want to see her happy.

And what would make Lorelei happy?

- Well, if she's anything like some of the girls

I've been going with, getting married.

- Exactly.

And fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be

I am not the marrying type.

- What man is?

- Figures show that half the married people

in this country are male.

Tim, from now on, I'm going to do everything

I can to bring Lorelei and Andre together.

- Oh now, wait a minute, that's going too far.

Now, why do you-

- Don't argue with me, Tim.

When a Martian makes up his mind to be noble

he goes all the way.

- [Lorelei] (knocks on door) Yoohoo, anybody home?

- Oh, good afternoon, Laura

Uh, Mrs. Brown.

- I thought you might like these spiced peaches.

I put them up last month.

- Thank you.

Preserving has become a lost art.

You know, I'm rather interested in cookery myself.

If you ever want any recipes on German cooking

or Swiss or Italian or French cuisine...

- Oh, by the way, what did you think of Andre?

- More important, what do you think of him?

- Well, we did have a lovely time the other night.

He's taking me to the Golden Samovar this evening.

- Hm, popping for two dinners in one week?

Well, you must rate.

- Oh, well we did have a lovely time the other night.

Andre is, well he's...

Would you excuse me?

I think my cookies are burning.

Thank you.

- She doesn't have any cookies in the oven.

It isn't even lit.

- Well, then why did she...

- To avoid embarrassment.

She didn't want to admit that Andre

isn't as romantic as she hoped.

- Well, that's the trouble with women.

They expect every Frenchman to behave like Charles Boyer.

- Tim, every woman is entitled to some shimmering

star-studded magical moments

especially one as nice as Lorelei.

What was the name of that restaurant they're going to?

- Uh, the Golden Samovar, why?

(zippy music)

(instrumental music)

- (speaking Hungarian)

Good evening and welcome to the Golden Samovar.

Would please be kind to follow me this way.

Thank you very much.

Table here all for you.

- Oh my, this is a lovely place, Andre.

- This will be a night you will long remember.

They serve the finest Hungarian goulash in town.

- Please.

The Hungarian goulash and the chicken paprika

is the specialty of this place.

It is like (makes kissing sound) symphony.

Well, excuse me.

Good evening, sir.

- I'm looking for some friends of mine.

- I beg your pardon, sir.

Perhaps I can be of help.

(audience laughs)

- It's difficult to decide.

Everything looks so good.

(upbeat instrumental music)

I'm afraid before long I shall be needing reading glasses.

- Well, the light's much better over here.

(upbeat instrumental music)

Oh, Andre, what a surprise.

Why didn't you tell me you brought it?

- [Andre] Believe me, I did not know I brought it myself.

- [Lorelei] Oh, you and your Gallic wit.

I just love your French sense of humor.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(champagne corks pop)

- Cherie, would you care for some champagne?

- Oh, my goodness, this is going to be a night to remember.

- Garcon.

- Yes, sir?

- Some champagne, s'il vous plait.

- Gladly.

Tonight two bottles for the price of one.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Oh, well thank you.

I had no idea.

- Such a delicate fragrance (mumbles).

- [Lorelei] Thank you.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(dramatic music)

- Where does he think he's going?

(slow romantic music)

- Oh, Andre, you thought of everything.

(slow romantic music)

(dramatic music)

(Tim whistles merrily)

- Well, you're feeling pretty good for a guy

who almost married off his girl to somebody else.

- We Martians believe in being philosophic.

We have a saying, yesterday is yesterday and today is today.

- Oh, well, that's the old fight.

(Lorelei knocks on door)

- Hi, I want you two to be the first to know.

Andre certainly surprised me last night.

Guess what he did?

- Stuck you with the check?

- Oh Tim, I think Mrs. Brown has something to tell us.

- I most certainly do.

He proposed!

- [Tim] Well, congratulations.

- Well, I hope you two will be very happy.

- Oh, well you don't understand.

I turned him down.

- Turned him down?

- That's right.

And I'm not gonna see him again.

- But I don't understand.

Yesterday you said...

- Oh, yesterday was yesterday

and today is today.

- That saying does get around.

- You know, sometimes people don't know what they want.

Oh, it was a perfect evening with the champagne

and the corsage and the soft music.

It was too perfect.

- Too perfect?

- When you have perfection to start with

where can you go?

I mean all the fun and excitement of life is gone.

- I don't think I'll ever understand women.

- I'll let you in on a little feminine secret, Tim.

Most women prefer a man who has a few faults

someone they can improve

like...

Now Martin, you know you're not perfect.

- Perhaps so, but you'll never get me to admit it.

(My Favorite Martian theme)