Original subtitles

- We can use a little feathering on this end, Uncle Martin.

Oh yeah, yeah.

You know you can save an awful lot of wear and tear

on that finger if we'd put a motor in here.

They have invented electricity you know.

- I should know.

After all, I was with Ben Franklin

on the day he discovered it.

As a matter of fact, I was the one

who gave him the idea of a kite.

- You're quite an amazing guy.

- I try not to let it show.

I wish I can show my appreciation

for all you've done for me, Tim.

You took me in, you fed me, you clothed me,

and now you're helping me with a spaceship.

- Well, to tell the truth, my heart really isn't in it.

You know as soon as we fix this spaceship,

it's goodbye Uncle Martin.

- We gotta change the subject Tim.

We Martians have a habit of doing things at a grand scale,

including crying.

(alien music)

A man talking to Mrs. Brown.

His mind closely resembles the downtown freeway interchange.

Tim, he's a real estate salesman.

- A real estate salesman.

- But where are your tools?

- Mrs. Brown, I have confession to make.

I may have misled you .

You see I'm not a plumber, I sell real estate.

- Real estate but I phoned for a plumber.

- Indeed you did and fate caused you

to dial the wrong number and it may well have been

the luckiest mistake you've ever made.

- With leaky plumbing?

- Leaky plumbing is only a symptom, my little lady.

Only a symptom of an ailing house.

Why this house could be crying out for help

at this very moment.

Do you realize that if your plumbing is broken down,

it could well mean a number of other things

are also in need of repair?

Why your nails could be coming loose.

Your furnace wasting valuable BTUs.

Your electrical system out of control.

Tell me something, do your light bulbs

burn out before they should?

- Well, I did have to replace two of them just last week.

- Haha, only recently I had a client

who failed to heed that warning,

and you know what happened?

The whole roof came a-tumbling down.

Now, wouldn't we want that to happen to you,

would we little lady?

- Well, I wouldn't want it to happen to those other people

and I don't even know them.

- Of course, you wouldn't.

And I can tell just from our conversation so far,

that you are too intelligent not to get out

before it's too late.

Now I can make you an excellent deal on this property.

Of course we needn't mention all the little things

that need repairing.

- Well, wouldn't that be dishonest?

My goodness, if this house is that bad,

I should have it condemned.

- Little lady, I salute you.

It is a rare thing today to find someone

with all the womanly virtues wrapped up

in such a charming package.

However, honesty is not the question.

At this point, there are many fine people

who would enjoy buying a broken down house like yours,

merely for the joy of fixing it up.

Why it's like buying antiques.

- Yes, I can see how that could happen.

- Of course, it might be wise to allow me

to do all the talking when we're showing the property

to a respective buyer.

- Naturally, I've never sold antiques before.

- He's talking her into selling this place.

- Oh no.

- Oh yes.

- Oh, it's hard enough finding an apartment

that'll take a dog or a cat or a baby, but a spaceship?

- We're in trouble.

(beeping)

(My Favorite Martian theme)

- It's about what I expected, Mrs. Brown

but we'll have no trouble moving it.

I'm sure I can unload it on this couple

that I have on the hook.

I mean on my list of prospects.

It'll be a fast deal.

You see her mother is on her way from the east now,

and she could move right in here.

- Well, I hadn't really made up my mind

to sell, Mr. Dudley.

Sometimes my mind says, "Do," then it says, "Don't,"

and sometimes it just lies there

and doesn't say anything at all.

And I don't get confused easily,

now you know that Martin.

- I do?

Oh.

oh yes, I see.

Of course I do Mrs. Brown.

- There you see.

- Well the whole world is at your feet, little lady.

It's yours just for the asking.

You're young, attractive, completely free, and untethered.

You know what I would do

if I were your enviable position,

I would salvage what I could from this place,

take the money and travel, see the world,

meet interesting people, live.

- But you are not in her enviable position, Mr. Dudley

and I'd hate to see you high pressure her

into something that she's gonna be sorry for later.

- Are you her father?

- Oh dear no, Mr. Dudley.

Martin is just one of my tenants.

- Oh I see.

Well this is the first time I've ever heard of a mere tenant

dictating to a landowner what she should do

with her property.

- You shouldn't do that, Martin.

- As I was about to say, there's nothing like a world tour

to make one feel young and as it so happens,

I can make you an excellent deal.

You see my brother in law operates a travel agency.

Let's see.

You'll leave New York on the Queen Mary,

first class of course.

In a few days, you'll arrive in London

and then we can route you direct to Paris

or if you prefer, we could arrange a side trip

to Ireland, Scotland, Wales.

- Mrs. Brown, I would worry about you

making a trip like that.

- Why?

Don't you think I'm old enough to take care of myself?

- No, no, it isn't that.

- Mr. O'Hara, I don't want to ask you

to mind your own business but would you?

- What's best for Mrs. Brown is our business.

- Now why don't we all stop trying to influence her

and let Mrs. Brown make up her own mind

as to what is best for her.

- Oh, I'd like that.

- I must insist, little lady,

you first think about your own happiness.

- Well now that's just the trouble.

I don't know whether I'd be happy in all those countries.

I'd be a foreigner.

- Perhaps, you're right.

How about a nice leisurely tour through the United States?

See America first.

Now I can make you an excellent deal on a new

or practically new car,

or if you prefer, I could arrange a bus tour

at a ridiculously low figure.

- It just happens that I have a nephew

who owns the bus company.

- That's right and now from here on,

I could route you direct to the Grand Canyon

where we would--

How did you know about my nephew?

- Well, you just look like a man whose nephew

owns the bus company.

- Well, I don't think I'd be interested

in a bus anyway, Mr. Dudley.

I still have my Edsel.

- Mr. Dudley, do you happen to know

where I can get some good rat poison cheap?

- Now, just a moment.

May I straighten you out?

I didn't call Mrs. Brown, she called me.

- I have half a mind to call you something myself.

- When you find a whole mind, try it.

- You can't talk to my uncle like that.

- I wish you gentlemen wouldn't fight over me.

- You're perfectly right, little lady.

My humble apologies.

I'll be over later with Mr. and Mrs. Graham,

they're the couple I told you about earlier.

I'm sure this place will meet with their approval.

Oh by the way, you do have a garage?

- Oh, you parked in front of it.

- Oh yes, well you see Mr. Graham has a rather large

workshop so I'm sure he'll be particularly anxious

to see the garage.

(tense music)

(hopeful and inspiring music)

- Well, don't you think you ought to get started

if you're gonna do what you said?

- Not till I have to.

This isn't going to be easy, Tim.

- That's what worries me.

Don't you think you're taking an awful chance

with that spaceship?

- What else can I do?

These people simply must not see it,

that's our immediate problem.

- Well, if Mrs. Brown sells her house,

we're gonna have an even bigger problem.

You realize, of course, that ship is a white elephant?

- Not exactly.

If it were, I couldn't have flown it here from Mars.

Tim, you worry too much and too soon.

In the first place, Mrs. Brown has not sold the house yet,

and in the second place, even if she does,

we'll still have time enough to look for--

Condition read, Dudley and his clients

are just turning the corner of Elm and Hillhurst.

- What'd you do that for?

- Keep Mrs. Brown away from here.

- Oh Tim, I was just coming up to ask you.

If I have to go into escrow, would you look after things

while I'm gone?

- Oh yes, of course Mrs. Brown.

Let's talk about it inside. - Alright.

(alien sound)

(alien sound)

- Well, I'd never.

Oh, he must be using cheap gas.

I have enough trouble driving forwards.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

- Rarely.

- Imagine that.

That's fantastic.

- Mrs. Graham.

I must've gotten my gears mixed up

but you must admit, I didn't get mixed up

about the property, did I?

Did you ever see a house more ideally suited to your needs?

Step this way, please.

You couldn't find another place closer to what you want

even if you built it yourselves.

Welcome to your future home, Mrs. Graham.

- Is it always this dark?

- Not in the daytime.

- This is Mrs. Brown, folks, the owner of the property.

And these are the very charming people

I was telling you about.

- Graham's the name.

- Well, how do you do?

- Graham.

- Oh, O'Hara.

- Mrs. Graham, Mrs. Brown.

[Both Ladies] How do you do?

- Mrs. Graham, this is Mr. O'Hara,

one of Mrs. Brown's tenants.

- How do you do?

- Oh and this is another Mr. O'Hara, Martin O'Hara.

- Graham's the name.

- And this is Mrs. Graham, Martin.

- Very pleased to meet you.

- Well, now that everybody knows everybody,

shall we take a look at the house?

- Wouldn't you like to look at the garage first

since it's open and everything.

- Later.

- I'm sorry Uncle Martin, I tried.

- I know you did Tim and I appreciate it.

- How long can you keep that thing up there?

- Well, I'd hate to turn this into an endurance record,

that's just dead weight hanging up there.

- Hey, Uncle Martin, maybe you can ease it down on the roof.

- It's too heavy.

It might crash through the shingles.

- They've spent all night in there.

- Even if they do, when they come out,

they'll find a crushed martian.

- As you can see the house has just been painted

and thoroughly redecorated.

- Yes, just a little over three years ago.

- As I said, it was practically

just painted and redecorated.

- It's such a ghastly color.

- Oh the color's no problem at all, Mrs. Graham.

As you can see, I have this cousin

who's a painter and decorator.

I can make you a sensational deal.

- Don't bother, I'm in that business myself.

- Wouldn't you like to see the garage now, Mr. Dudley?

- Later.

- Upstairs, folks.

Right this way.

- Well, the only thing left to see is the garage.

- That's right.

- That ain't necessary, I know what a garage looks like.

We'll come back and look at it in the daylight.

Pleasure O'Hara.

- Finger still hurt, Uncle Martin?

- Mmhmm, up to here.

I've got this insured on Mars

but how am I gonna collect for it?

- That reminds me, I have a second cousin

in my mother's side who sells insurance.

That guy Dudley really has us in a bind.

- Well, it isn't us I'm worried about, it's Mrs. Brown.

If he sells her on some wild idea

after spending the money from the house,

it will really be her future she's spending.

He's shrewd that boy.

He knows that you Earth people are basically improvident.

- Don't look at me, I have nothing to be improvident with.

- Yes, but the tendency is there

and that's what he's counting on with Mrs. Brown.

That tendency that you all have

to live it up today, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

You always seem to forget that tomorrow

inevitably becomes today

and you have to go right on living.

I notice this shortcoming

on one of my very first trips to your planet

and I've pointed it out to my friend, Aesop,

as a theme for one of his fables.

- Uncle Martin, look.

We are both agreed that Mrs. Brown

shouldn't sell her property

or spend her money on a trip or something,

but the question still is, what can we do about it?

- Nothing.

- Dudley is absolutely right.

We have no right to interfere.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin, I have a great idea.

Now, if we can--

- That won't work Tim.

- Well, how about this, now--

- No, that won't work either Tim.

- Uncle Martin, will you please just let me finish

one thought before you reach in and plug it out of my mind?

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm gonna say

until I say it.

- I'm sorry Tim.

Go and open the door, will you?

- What?

- Mrs. Brown is coming up the stairs.

- Oh.

- Come on in, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, thank you.

I was anxious to catch you before you went to work.

- Oh Martin, did you hurt yourself?

- Well, it's nothing serious Mrs. Brown.

It's just that I have a hangnail.

- Oh dear, those can be very painful

especially when you get them on the finger.

- Did you wanna see me?

- I didn't sleep a wink last night.

- I'm sorry.

- What was troubling you, Mrs. Brown?

- Well, if I sell my house, I'll never see you boys again.

I got to thinking about what Mr. Dudley said

and he was right, I should consider my own happiness first

and I wouldn't be happy if you boys moved away

and I wasn't here either.

- Tim and I both share your sentiment, Mrs. Brown.

We've grown very fond of you as a person.

- Well does that mean you don't want to sell your house?

Well then, there's no trouble.

You don't have to sell it if you don't want to.

- But I signed a paper and I paid Mr. Dudley

a hundred dollars advance on the commission.

- I'm afraid our Mr. Dudley is not very representative

of the real estate business.

Isn't he bringing the Grahams back to look at the place?

- This afternoon.

- There's an excellent feature at Grauman's Chinese.

Why don't you go to the matinee?

- But I wouldn't be here to show them the house.

- That's right.

Mrs. Brown asked me to show you the house, folks.

She was called away unexpectedly.

- Well, thank you.

- Hi.

- Never mind, I know my way around.

- Mrs. Brown wanted me to show you.

- Alright, show us but be quiet.

- Mrs. Graham, I ask you, have you ever seen

more spacious, better arranged cupboards?

- Yes.

- Perhaps, you didn't notice but this cupboards

are a full three inches deeper than average.

Mrs. Brown had them built that way

to accommodate her large platters.

- That's a good idea.

They're very nice.

- Did Mrs. Brown tell you about the sink counter?

She recently had the entire unit rebuilt.

More cupboard space underneath and a new disposal unit.

- Wait a minute.

- What is it?

- Look.

(leaking faucet)

- I know Mrs. Brown intended to call a plumber.

- What she needs is a piano tuner.

- That's very interesting.

Used to play the Blue Danube.

- Nothing to be concerned about, folks.

Half a dozen horseshoes from the dime store will fix it.

Right this way, let's look at the rest of the house.

This way, Mr. Graham, you're dawdling.

- Ooh, I meant to ask Mrs. Brown last night

about the Television reception here.

- Well I happen to know this whole area

gets the finest reception in town, isn't that right?

- I think we can say the reception is unique.

(car brakes screeching)

- What's wrong with it?

- We seem to be in some strange electronic pocket here

where we get the sound on one channel

and the picture on the other.

(gun firing)

- Well, certainly it can be fixed.

- Oh, it has been fixed.

We used to get the police calls too.

- Oh yes, well.

One feature I do want to remind you of are the closets.

Now with a house this size, you must admit

there is an abundance of closet space.

- Excuse me just a minute.

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's a crooked picture.

- I don't remember these pictures

hanging crooked last night.

- Well, maybe we had a slight earthquake.

I seem to remember something waking me up last night.

- Ling-ling, Watch.

- How did you do that, Edgar?

- This whole house is out of plumb.

- What does that mean?

- It means that Mr. Dudley here and Mrs. Brown

were trying to put over a fast one.

The foundation is sinking on one whole side in this place.

There look at that.

We're going home.

- Hey folks, Mr. Graham, Mrs. Graham, wait.

I have another place I know you'll like.

- Huh!

- What shall I tell Mrs. Brown?

- You can tell Mrs. Brown that I wouldn't handle

this property under any circumstances

and you can give her this.

- Well, I would also like to give her back the $100.

- I wonder what happened to Mr. Dudley.

I phoned to thank him for everything

but he isn't there any longer.

- Oh I understand he went into the plumbing business

with his sister.

- That reminds me, that was a good show I saw.

It was all about this woman who had trouble

making up her mind but she had two friends who helped her.

- That sounds familiar.

- Except she was so strange.

Do you suppose there really are people like that?

- [Martin] I wouldn't be surprised.

- Well, I don't know.

I don't think I'd try to know her personally,

she was so scatterbrained.

- Well, I'm sure she has a good, many, redeeming qualities.

- I'm sure she does.

("Blue Danube by Johann Strauss")

- Does that sound to you like the Blue Danube?

(My Favorite Martian theme song)