Original subtitles

(eerie music)

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

(high pitched long beep)

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Brown?

(suspenseful music)

Mrs. Brown is that you?

(suspenseful music)

(door closes)

Hi Uncle Martin.

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin did you know that you're invisible?

- If I weren't by nature a kindly and gentle martian,

I'd also make Mrs. Brown disappear, permanently.

(audience laughs)

- I saw her down stairs just now.

She was acting sort of funny.

- How could you tell?

(audience laughs)

- Well I mean even for her.

When I drove in she was sneaking

around the corner of the garage,

as though she'd been up to something.

- She had.

I read her mind.

She was doing her homework.

- Homework?

Now don't tell me she's on another one

of her self improvement kicks.

- I was in complete agreement when she went

in for yoga, skin diving, even adagio dance.

(audience laughs)

but a private eye?

- Mrs. Brown?

A detective?

- She's taking a correspondence course.

- (laughs) Now I've heard everything.

- Oh no you haven't.

Her first assignment is to prepare a complete dossier

on the private life of some unsuspecting subject.

And guess who the unsuspecting subject is.

(audience laughs)

(orchestral music)

(twinkly music)

(beeps)

(twinkly music)

(cheerful music)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

Mrs. Sherlock Holmes is getting an early start.

(audience laughs)

(eerie music)

I don't know why I even try to read that woman's mind.

Every time I do I get a headache.

(audience laughs)

Tim, I have a very uneasy feeling.

Like this planet is about to be shaken off its axis

or something equally unpleasant.

- Uncle Martin look,

if you're worried about Mrs. Brown

just forget it now what can she do?

You have a new lock on your garage door

and the space ship is safely locked up inside.

She'll never find it.

Now even if she finds your manuscript,

it reads like science fiction.

So that's no help

and the only other thing would be your flight log

on your trip from Mars.

And that is under lock and key.

- I'd feel better if Mrs. Brown were too.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughs)

(slow paced music)

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

(Martin sneezes)

- Gazuntite.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(tires pulling in on road)

(suspenseful music)

- Uncle Martin?

(audience laughs)

- Well I've heard of after shave talcum

but isn't this a little silly?

- Mrs. Brown has been dusting for fingerprints.

- [Tim] On your face?

- In your bedroom.

She's been snooping.

- You mean that she's been in here

playing detective while we were out.

- I mean exactly that.

- Well she can't do that.

She just can't go nosing around.

We pay our rent.

I'm gonna go downstairs and tell her to stay out.

- First you'll have to tell her to get out.

She's hiding in the clothes closet.

(audience laughs)

(funny music)

(audience laughs)

- Oh now come on Mrs. Brown,

it's in the middle of the afternoon.

You can't be sleep walking.

- Pleasant dreams.

- Thank you.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin,

I was just thinking.

Even if Mrs. Brown did discover something.

She wouldn't know it.

- Let me remind you that x-rays and penicillin

were discovered by accident.

And now the whole world knows about it.

- But look you're always saying that

you wanna get back to Mars.

Now maybe if they found out that you didn't

have a passport, they'd deport you.

- No thank you.

I wouldn't care to be shot home

in one of your Earth rockets.

They're too primitive.

Not much better than one of your covered wagons.

- At least you wouldn't have to face the hostile Indians.

- Nor Mrs. Brown.

(audience laughs)

(snaps)

- Something wrong?

Uncle Martin what is it?

What's the matter?

- How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have been so asininely, incredibly

and completely stupid?

- Well you don't think Mrs. Brown

discovered your Martian flight log?

- I know she found it.

The drawer was unlocked.

I had it lying in there upside down.

I always do.

I underestimated her.

That's what I did.

Me and my super Martian intellect.

I underestimated her.

- That's not easy to do.

- Well I did it when I found her here

taking fingerprints I assumed that's all she was doing.

- Well so what if she did find it?

She wouldn't understand it.

The whole thing is written in Martian.

- Tim an amateur sleuth is infinitely more dangerous

than a professional.

Alexander Graham Bell would never

have invented the telephone

if he had been an expert electrician.

He would've known it was impossible.

(audience laughs)

there are times when ignorance is an ally.

- Well do you think she knows enough to suspect anything?

- I don't know what she knows

but somehow I've got to find out.

- That'll be very simple for you.

Why don't you just go downstairs

and read her mind.

- You have no idea how much I've

been trying to avoid that.

(audience laughs)

Do you know how painful that would be?

- [Tim] Do you have a better idea?

- No.

But I just have to be brave.

(audience laughs)

(twinkly music)

- [Tim] Better Uncle Martin?

Can I get you a headache pill or something?

- Oh Tim the only pill that will touch a headache like this

are on Mars.

It isn't too bad reading her mind

in short bursts,

it's these sustained attacks that decimate the brain.

- [Tim] I've never seen you like this before.

- I've never been third degreed by Mrs. Brown before.

- Third degree?

- She was like a bull dog.

I've never seen anything like it.

I was ready to confess, confess, confess,

I'll tell you anything.

I did it, I did it.

(audience laughs)

- Couldn't you read her mind at all?

- Tim out of that welter of confusion

that lady caused the mind,

I managed to extract a few unhappy facts.

- Such as?

- Such as she has a very small camera,

commonly used in espionage work.

She found the flight log and she took pictures of it.

- Well I don't think that's too serious.

The only person that could read it would be a Martian.

- Tim, Tim.

These are suspicious times Tim.

If Mrs. Brown's school can't break down the log,

they'll send it on to expert cryptographers.

From there it could very well end up

in the hands of government code specialists.

And the next thing we know,

I'll be under investigation as a suspected foreign agent.

- Uncle Martin,

do you remember what I told you about not worrying?

- Yes.

- Forget it.

- Okay.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Oh Martin wait a minute, yoo hoo!

Say would you stop by the store

and pick up a pie for me.

- I'd be glad to what kind?

- Oh any kind except apple, peach, strawberry,

pecan, apricot, lemon, blueberry, or rhubarb.

- Mrs. Brown?

What's left?

- Chocolate cream.

(exciting music)

- [Tim] I should've known.

- Naturally.

Thanks a lot.

- [Martin] You're entirely welcome.

- What's that?

- That my boy is a receipt

for a roll of film which Mrs. Brown left

at Murphy's drugstore.

(cheerful music)

Tim would you say that I was moderately intelligent?

- [Tim] Well of course.

- Wouldn't you say that I was smarter than Mrs. Brown?

- Uncle Martin, practically anybody

is smarter than Mrs. Brown.

(audience laughs)

- Then how do you explain this?

- [Tim] Out of focus.

That's Mrs. Brown for ya.

(audience laughs)

Well these aren't the pictures she took yesterday.

These are the pictures she took two months ago.

- Take me home.

- Uncle Martin you don't suppose

that your thought waves got mixed up

and that Mrs. Brown read your mind?

- At this point even that wouldn't surprise me.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- I'm glad I got back before you did.

- Here's your pie.

- Oh thank you Martin.

I'll bet you don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

- Oh yes well it seems a long way around

but you're going to make a pudding out of it.

- Yes.

I must admit martin that was a good guess.

- [Martin] No guess that was

extra sensory perception working.

- Oh I don't believe in that.

- Alright you think of a secret

and I'll try to read your mind.

- Well alright.

- Alright now concentrate.

Concentrate good and hard.

(eerie music)

I've got it.

You're going on a diet.

- That isn't it.

- No well I would've sworn.

- Well you were wrong.

It was something else entirely.

You think I should go on a diet?

- Certainly not.

I was going to protest the idea

in the same breath.

(audience laughs)

- Did you read her a--

- Loud and clear.

She mailed the undeveloped film

to the correspondence school.

- Well that's that.

- No it isn't.

I'll be right there with the morning mail.

(upbeat music)

(knocks on door)

(high pitched long beep)

(footsteps)

(whistles)

(audience laughs)

(hums)

(high pitched long beep)

(suspenseful music)

- Morning mail Mr. Pierce.

- [Martin] Ow!

(audience laughs)

- You handled that mail like it was marked fragile.

- Sorry sir I'll put 'em all back.

- Now see that you do.

- Yes sir.

Just as soon as I finish delivering the mail

to the rest of the tenants.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no.

Ouch.

Oh no what if I can't disappear?

I can't do it.

There.

There that's better.

They'll be alright now.

I wonder if this still works?

(high pitched long beep)

(audience laughs)

(fast paced music)

- Well good morning friend.

Can I be of service.

I'm Jay Nathaniel Pierce.

- Oh how do you do Mr. Pierce?

I was thinking of taking one

of your correspondence courses.

- Well splendid friend, splendid.

Very wise decision.

Just which career opportunity did you have in mind?

Business administration, law, plumbing?

- No I thought I might be interested

in your private detective course.

- Very, very wise choice.

Oh yes there's a great demand for private detectives

these days you know.

And it's very pleasant work, very pleasant.

Keeps you out in the open air.

Takes you to exotic places,

Hawaii, Miami Beach, Sunset Strip.

Very enjoyable work.

Why don't we just step right into my private office here

where I can give you some of my personal attention.

(audience laughs)

I just happened to have a few moments

of free time right now.

(audience laughs)

- I wanted to find out a little bit

about how you operate before I decided anything Mr. Pierce.

For example would I send my lessons directly

to this office?

- Oh yes we don't believe in spreading ourselves

too thin around here.

Why don't you sit down.

- A friend of mine was telling me something

about a small camera that's being used

by private investigators.

- You're jumping way ahead of yourself friend.

We don't get to that 'til the third lesson.

Just sign right there.

- A contract?

- First things first,

just sign right here don't bother reading the fine print.

- Well it's all fine print.

- See you are the keen one aren't you friend.

First thing we teach in our private investigation course

is be observant.

Here we go.

- Well, no, no, no Mr. Pierce.

I don't wanna sign anything quite yet

until I find out some information please.

- I know what you're going to say friend,

you're going to say how much right?

- No.

No that was not what I was going to say.

- Of course you are.

And have I got good news for you.

This course is positively and absolutely unequivocally free.

There is positively no charge.

Now you may wonder how we can afford to do that.

Volume my friend.

Strictly on a volume basis.

We don't charge you one red cent for the lessons.

However, we do make a small profit

on the accoutrements necessary for the trade.

Like this genuine little persuader here.

(audience laughs)

And we make it as painless as possible too.

Every good private investigator needs good equipment.

And we sell that equipment to you practically at cost.

One piece at a time with each lesson.

- Mr. Pierce you remind me of a very good friend

of mine Mrs.--

- I'd love to meet her sometime.

I'm sure she's a charming woman

if she's a friend of yours.

Now lets see where was I?

Oh yes now with lesson number one,

you'll need this high powered magnifying glass

that helps you too examine personal correspondence

and other clues concerning your subject.

Now also you'll need a set of these genuine,

finest steel hand cuffs in case you need

to restrain your subject.

- This friend of mine told me about mailing in some film

to be developed.

- Oh yes that's right, that's right.

- Now with lesson number eight you

get this handy little item.

Knock out drops.

They're perfectly harmless and never go to waste.

In case you have a little trouble sleeping,

you can always use them on yourself.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Pierce I hate to monopolize the conversation

but I would like to know what happens

to this film after it gets here.

- Well I really couldn't say off hand friend.

I usually leave those little details to my secretary

so I can devote all my time to the client.

However the rates are very reasonable.

You see we're always on the lookout for the best deal

we can get so we can pass the benefits on to you.

- Do you have any idea what time

your secretary will be in?

- She oughta be along any minute,

say are you a cop because if you are

let me tell you something right now,

no matter how many times we've been investigated,

nobody has ever been able to prove a thing.

- I'm no policeman I assure you.

(knocks on door)

- Come in.

- Sorry to interrupt Mr. Pierce,

I forgot to ask before,

that Mrs. Brown, she did it again,

forgot the postage, you wanna pay for it or send it back?

- Send it back, send it back.

- Yes sir.

- Now let me show you our assortment

of disguises here friend.

(high pitched long beep)

- Thank you friend.

(high pitched long beep)

Good as new.

- Well that about wraps it up.

You got the film back,

you can disappear again,

what else is there?

- Mrs. Brown.

- You think she'll still be a pest?

- I was thinking more about Mrs. Brown as a person.

As an individual.

Most people have two major preoccupations in life Tim.

Family and economic survival.

Even if you have family problems,

you still got love.

And even if you're out of a job,

you still have hope.

Mrs. Brown has no family

and she doesn't have to worry about her income.

Tim she must be very lonely

and loneliness can be a very bitter thing

and maybe no one has ever told her

that the only way to combat it,

is by being useful.

Making yourself needed.

Finding worth while things to occupy your time.

The world is full of jobs that can be done only by people

who have nothing to give but their time.

And another thing Mrs. Brown,

don't you realize that what you're doing

could be very dangerous?

- Dangerous?

- Certainly private investigation

is a very serious business.

These people are highly trained specialists

and sometimes they have to play rough.

- Well I must admit Martin,

everything you've said makes a lot of sense.

- You're an attractive, gentle woman Mrs. Brown.

Can you imagine yourself surrounded

by half a dozen muscular brutes

and trying to fight your way out.

(audience laughs)

(cheerful music)

- Oh yoo hoo!

- Looks like Mrs. Brown is her sweet self again.

Thanks to you.

- It was really quite simple.

Merely a matter of explaining things to her

in terms she could appreciate.

- Oh Martin!

Would you come here a minute please?

I wanna thank you for that little talk

we had the other night.

I've been thinking it over very carefully

and you were right.

Detective work could be dangerous.

- Oh very dangerous.

(cheerful music)

- That's why I started taking Judo lessons.

(audience laughs)

(cheerful music)