Original subtitles

(soft music)

- [Martin] Tim. Tim!

Tim. Tim. (groaning)

Up, boy, up, up, up.

- Oh, go away and come on, now.

I'm exhausted.

I'm beat.

Pooped.

- Tim. (startled reaction)

Tim.

Tim. Tim! (groaning)

It's your day off.

(startled reaction)

- What's the idea letting me sleep in all day?

(yawns)

- Amazing how much energy you earth people have

when you're not working.

- Now don't tell me all you Martians love to work.

- Absolutely.

But then of course, we do have a five-day weekend.

- The way I play it, golf is work.

- Well, forget golf.

Today, we're going to commune with beauty.

- Oh, I'm for that.

Who is she?

- You and I are going to the museum.

- The museum?

- You said that as though you were swallowing vinegar.

- But it's not that, Uncle Martin.

It's just that I don't happen to be particularly partial

to collections of old bones and broken down crockery.

- It isn't age that makes them important, Tim.

It's the fact that they withstood the test of time.

Voices from the past have lessons for us

if we have ears to listen.

- I hear them.

And you know what they're saying?

- What?

- "Go back to bed."

Tricky, aren't you?

(eerie music)

(beeping)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(regal music)

Hm. 18th century Ivy League.

- Tim, culture is like spinach.

Once you forget it's good for you,

you can relax and enjoy it.

Feast your eyes.

Rembrandt's The Night Watch.

- Not bad.

- Not bad?

It's a masterpiece.

All except the lower left-hand corner.

I told Remy he had too much burnt sienna on his palette.

- You told Rembrandt?

- You forget I'm 450 years old

and that I've visited this planet many times before.

- Yes, but you talk as though

you were looking over Rembrandt's shoulder

when he did that.

- That would have been impossible.

(mysterious music)

- Huh.

- I would've been in the center,

but I came late that day.

- Martin, from now on, if you tell me

you posed for the Mona Lisa, I'll believe it.

- Of course I didn't pose for the Mona Lisa,

but I did tell her the joke that made her smile.

- Hey, could you tell me?

You see, I have a date tomorrow night that

- That's strange.

I'm getting the most turbulent thought waves.

Someone around here is very unhappy.

- Yeah, that's me.

I want to get out of here.

- No, it's that man over there.

- Well, he looks perfectly normal to me.

- On the outside.

Inside, his brain is going like a boiler factory.

Hm, very interesting.

- Oh, come on now, Uncle Martin.

You know it's not polite to enter people's heads

without knocking.

What was he thinking?

- He was moving so fast I couldn't zero in on him.

But I did get this:

He's curator of the museum.

- Yes?

- And he's concerned about something he's done.

Something involving the museum.

- Well, is it very serious?

- Serious?

His thoughtwaves were coming through

at 49 cephala cycles.

Anything over 30 is panic button.

I have a feeling there's a story here

for your newspaper.

(intriguing music)

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

- Mr. Canfield?

I'm Martin O'Hara.

- How do you do?

- I've come to compliment you on your exhibit.

- Oh, thank you.

Won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

- I've been curator here 30 years,

and frankly this doesn't happen very often.

- 30 years.

My, you've spent a great part of your life here.

- Yes, I have.

In fact, some of my friends think I'm so old

I ought to be on display here myself.

(laughing)

- Mr. Canfield, with your permission,

I'd like to sketch your face.

The character lines intrigue me.

- Oh, (laughs) you're very kind for that.

I only think of them as wrinkles myself.

However, if you insist.

(mysterious music)

- Mr. Canfield, relax and think of something.

Anything at all, the first thing that comes to mind.

(mysterious music)

There you are.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry I took so much of your time.

(door shuts)

- Well.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear this has been done

by a pupil of

Rembrandt.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. Bromley.

How nice to speak to the chairman of the board.

You did what?

He said that?

He's doing that.

- Well sir now, how do you like that Cleopatra?

- Oh, very nice.

But somehow I prefer her on a wide screen.

- I'm not in that one.

- Oh, oh, listen.

What was wrong with the curator?

Did he have moths in his mummies?

- He bought a very rare piece of Egyptian art

for $50,000 dollars.

Over 4,000 years old.

- I had a used car like that once.

- Even I haven't ever seen this piece of art.

It's the work of Menhoptic the Younger.

- What team did he play for?

- He was the royal sculptor to Queen Nefertiti.

I suggest you call your boss and tell him

to hold space for a scoop.

- My motto: Never argue with a Martian.

Be right back.

- Matt, don't uncover that new piece until you hear from me.

- Oh, is there anything wrong, Mr. Canfield?

- Yes, I've just had a call from the board.

They must think I'm slipping.

Or getting too old.

- Well, I told Mr. Burns that I had a yarn coming up.

- Why that's downright humiliating.

- Uncle Martin?

Do you, do you hear something that I don't?

- Poor Mr. Canfield.

The chairman of the board is bringing in

an outside expert for another opinion

on his new acquisition.

- Well, that's great.

That adds a little drama to the story.

- No, I'm afraid you couldn't print that, Tim.

If Mr. Canfield is wrong,

we'd be holding him up to public ridicule.

- Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

- I'm sorry.

I know I promised you,

but until Mr. Expert authenticates the piece,

we'll have to hold up the story.

- Sorry, gentlemen, but it's closing time.

- Well, there's something we still have to see.

- I'm sorry, but Saturday we close at 2.

(casual music)

- Now, Uncle Martin, look.

If I'm going to write a story, I have to see the statue.

- I'm way ahead of you.

Keep that guard away from the door.

- Well, how?

(mysterious music)

(door knocks)

- Yes?

(stammers)

- May I speak to you for a minute, please?

I just wanted to say that I

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

- Matt, do you know what the board are doing?

- No.

- Just because I didn't get an outside opinion,

they're calling in an expert to check on my judgment.

How old does a man have to get before people realize

he knows what he's doing?

- Well, it's just a technicality, Mr. Canfield.

I wouldn't worry.

- But above all people in the world,

why should they call in a man like Pietro Donati

to examine the statue?

(mumbling)

What's the matter? Something wrong?

- No, nothing.

- I once wrote a scathing article about Donati

and proved him wrong.

You know, Matt, I don't want to boast

but I'm just as much an expert as he is.

What's the matter with you?

Is there something wrong?

- No, no, nothing, nothing really.

- Matt, I think you should see a doctor.

- Yes, maybe I should.

(suspenseful music)

(yawns)

- Well, what was under the drape, leg man?

- Well, as an ancient philosopher once put it

- Oh no, when you start quoting ancient philosophers,

I'm dead.

You goofed.

- A rather inelegant way to put it.

I prefer to think that I, uh...

Okay, I goofed. I'm sorry.

But every time I went to look under the drape

to look at the statue,

that guard was staring at it like a house detective

at a beauty contest.

(mysterious music)

- No, don't leave.

I forgive you.

- Thank you. I'll stay.

(humorous music)

(laughing)

- That's right, Mr. Burns.

I thought I had a story, but I'm afraid

it conked out on me.

Well, I knew you'd understand.

Well, you just keep the presses rolling

and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Now try it with your hand off the button.

- I'm only brave on dry runs.

- If I hadn't said I'd get you that story.

- Uncle Martin, I have no complaints.

After all the times that you've helped me?

- Why didn't I think of it?

There is a way of seeing under that cloth.

There's an old Martian saying:

"If the mountain won't come to Mohammed,

"Mohammed can go to the mountain."

- An old Martian saying?

The next thing you'll be telling me

is that you invented the hot dog.

- No, but we invented the mustard and the bun.

With my powers, why can't I

- Of course!

You could float the thing over here

and then we could take a picture of it.

- And if it's authentic, you've got your story

and Mr. Canfield's a recognized expert.

- Well, it's all yours.

Now come on.

Fidget the digit.

- It's not that simple.

There's a little matter of distance.

- Well, let's get going.

Come on, I'll drive you to the mountain.

- Now, when I get the guard to open the door,

you keep him occupied while I slip inside.

- All right.

Start slipping.

(mysterious music)

(door knocks)

- Hello?

- Could you open the door?

I'd like to talk to you.

- We don't open the doors at night.

What do you want?

- Well, I just wanted to remind you

that I'll see you tomorrow.

(mysterious music)

- Well, couldn't you get through that peephole?

- Tim, even invisible, I'm a grown Martian,

not Tom Thumb.

- Well, maybe there's a window open somewhere.

- Well, let's see.

Closed tighter than a drum.

- Boy, am I sweating out this story.

- That's an excellent suggestion.

- Well, thanks.

What'd I say?

- The perfect Earth response.

It's when you people don't try that you're at your best.

- If you're trying to confuse me, you win.

- I'm going to get that guard to sweat it out, too.

All I have to do is levitate the thermostat up to hot.

Then he's bound to open the window for some air,

and when he does, zingo.

I levitate the statue out of the window.

- Well, why don't you just open the window and

- And bring on the police?

There's a burglar alarm on each window.

I'll have to get the guard to turn them off.

- Boy, I sure get great ideas, don't I?

- Only when you don't try.

Now, let's see, the window to the Egyptian room

is over there.

All right.

Standby for Operation Heatwave.

(mysterious music)

I wish I had a dozen of these.

- I wish I had one.

(mysterious music)

- I'm going home, Matt.

Good night.

(stammering)

What's the matter, Matt?

- The statue! It's gone!

- Gone?

- It flew out the window!

- Oh no, you're just tired, that's what it is.

It's natural for men of our age.

But maybe you dozed off and walked in your sleep, hm?

Perhaps you took it to some other part of the building?

- Maybe, yeah.

Then maybe that's what happened.

Sure.

Statues don't fly.

- Of course they don't.

Let's go have a look.

(suspenseful music)

(camera shutter clicks)

- Over 4,000 years old.

- Hm, in better shape than my cousin Fred.

And he's only 60.

- Please be serious.

You're in the presence of a genuine Menhoptic.

I wish you could appreciate how excited Menhoptic was

about doing the statue.

- You knew him?

Yet I thought you said you'd never seen the statue before.

- I didn't,

but I read Menhoptic's mind over 4,000 years ago

when he was first thinking of doing the piece.

- I also thought you said you were only 450 years old.

- 450 Martian years.

Each year consisting of 300 weeks,

each week made up of 8,672 days.

- Must be murder when relatives drop in for a weekend.

- A man has to be pretty fast with a fork.

(funny music)

- Uh-oh. Trouble.

The window's closed.

And I don't think they'll fall

for that thermostat trick again.

- Hm, well, why don't we just, you know,

leave it in front and run like bunnies.

- It is my responsibility to get that statue

right back on that pedestal where I took it from.

- Oh, well, I suppose you're just gonna knock

on the front door,

and then when that guard opens the peephole

Did I say something brilliant again?

- You're great when you don't try?

- Was I saying?

- We're going to knock on the door.

- But they don't open the front door at night.

- Not even if they see Menhoptic's statue

sitting out front?

(mysterious music)

(door knocks)

- Who's out

(mysterious music)

- Mission accomplished?

- Not yet.

There's a hallway and a big statue

between the gate and the pedestal.

(rubs hands)

(mysterious music)

- Police department?

This is Mr. Canfield.

- It's back!

- Please, John, please.

What's back?

- The statue! It's back!

There it is. It flew right in the

door.

- I think you're due for a vacation.

Long one.

When the board hears this, maybe I join you both.

- Matt. - Huh?

- Matt. - Huh?

- Do you see what I see?

- I sure do.

- Mr. Canfield!

- Let's go. - Nah-uh.

Not until I get it back on the pedestal

where it came from.

We Martians like to be neat.

(mysterious music)

- This time it's really back!

- That's right. I saw it, too.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, sir! - Yes, sir!

- Went right in the museum!

- We saw it with our own eyes.

- Come on. - Come on, Mr. Canfield.

- It's right here. Um...

- Sit down, friends, sit down.

Well, it's the end of the trail.

- Don't try to kid me.

You're not there.

Maybe you think you are, but you're not.

- Oh, Matt, now he's talking to himself.

Dear old Matt, please don't.

I, I

It's back!

It's back!

- Please, Mr. Canfield, don't you start that.

One of us is enough.

- There you are.

(laughing)

- You know, I was just thinking.

- What?

- Well, if you can't be brainy, the next best thing

is to have a Martian uncle.

(suspenseful music)

- Ra, Ra.

- What's up?

- Ra.

- In the middle of the night, you turn into a cheerleader?

- No, no, no. Not that kind of Ra.

My Ra is spelled R-A.

- Oh, well, (yawns) you're a great speller.

Goodnight, Uncle Martin.

- Tim, Ra is the symbol for the Egyptian sun god.

Menhoptic chiseled it on everything he produced.

- What do you want me to do, send him a thank-you note?

- When we had the statue here,

I was so thrilled at seeing it,

but I forgot to look for the Ra sign.

If that sign isn't on the statue somewhere,

it's not the real thing.

- And then Mr. Canfield's job is in danger?

- Exactly.

That poor man.

Well, I'll think of something.

Let's go back to bed.

- Rah-rah.

- I think you're worrying about nothing.

This Mr. Donati probably never even read your article

showed him up to be a boob.

- I hope so.

- There he is.

- Hm?

Ah, Mr. Donati.

What a great pleasure it is to be in the presence

of such a great expert.

- That is not what you wrote in that article

years ago, my friend.

- What article?

- Now, where is this so-called Menhoptic?

- Not so-called.

The real thing.

Here it is.

(mysterious music)

- Mr. Canfield, you have been, how do you say,

took.

- But, it must be a Menhoptic.

It was found in the tomb of Nefertiti.

And the chisel strokes and the subject matter

all absolutely characteristic.

- True, it has everything, except the most important.

The symbol of Ra.

- Ah yes, I knew that.

But, my heart tells me

- Think with your head, my friend.

Not your heart.

- Some expert. Hmph.

- I beg your pardon?

- You wouldn't know a genuine Menhoptic

from a clay pigeon in a shooting gallery.

- You are talking to Donati, who

- Who forgot to scrape under the left wing

to look for the sign of Ra.

- I did look.

- There was no - But you didn't scrape.

- Centuries of burial leave a residue

that may have covered the symbol.

- Hm.

(scrapes)

(exclaims in foreign language)

- Monsieur Canfield, Monsieur Canfield.

The mark of Ra, she is there.

- She is?

I mean, it is?

- Right here.

(laughing)

- I knew it was genuine!

I couldn't find the sign.

- Neither could I until he told me.

- He? Who?

- He, him.

But he was just there.

- Nobody could've been there.

The doors were locked with a guard outside.

- But I spoke with him.

He had blonde hair and

The door is locked?

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, I must be getting old.

- Don't let that bother you, sir.

You're only as old as you feel.

- As young as you feel, you mean.

(happy music)

- Now how about that?

Two full columns

and a byline.

- We did yourself proud, my boy.

(telephone rings)

- Hello?

Well, thanks, Mr. Burns.

I'm glad you liked it.

What?

I am?

Well, that's just great.

(scoffs) Thanks, Mr. Burns.

- Well, if liked it, why the prune face?

- He liked it so much he just appointed me

special culture editor.

You know what my first assignment is, right now?

- What?

- I've got to cover the opera.

(clears throat)

- Um, Tim?

(mysterious music)

There you are.

- Thanks.

(happy music)

(upbeat music)