Original subtitles

(lighthearted music)

(lock rattling)

(magical noise)

(magical noise)

(audience laughing)

(magical noise)

(magical noise)

(inquisitive music)

(cheery music)

- Well, just don't sit there, phone 'im!

- All right.

(laughs)

(dialing telephone)

Who am I calling?

- Your boss, of course.

- Oh, oh!

What for?

- To tell him you're going to interview Professor Downy.

- Who's he?

- Tim, you're pulling my leg.

Professor Downy's the greatest authority

on rocket fuel you Earthlings have.

(hanging up telephone)

- "Professor Eugene Downy, renowned space fuel scientist,

"arrived last night to spend 24 hours in Los Angeles.

"He will address a conclave of scientists at UCLA

"before departing for Sweden this afternoon."

- Now do you know who I'm talking about?

- No.

- How casually you treat genius down here.

If he were a top baseball pitcher,

you'd know everything about him,

right down to the color of his socks.

- Sure, powder blue with red polka dots.

- Professor Downy is just one inch away

from discovering the formula for rocket fuel

that could fly my spaceship back to Mars.

- Really?

He's that brilliant, huh?

- For one of you, yes, but on my planet

he'd be considered a freshman in high school.

- Hm, I guess I'd be in kindergarten.

- Nursery.

(audience laughs)

If I could get my hands on Professor Downy's notes,

I'd correct his calculations and move him that extra inch.

- Well, what are you gonna do, tell him you're a Martian?

- Of course not.

- Well, he's gonna ask you how come you know so much.

- Ask who?

(magical noise)

- Of course!

Sure!

All you have to do is just disappear

and then get a hold of his notes,

and make the corrections...

(magical noise)

- And I'd be on my way back home.

- On your way home.

Gee, Uncle Martin, are you, uh...

Are you really that anxious to get away from me?

- No, I'll miss you, Tim.

But I'm anxious to see my birthplace again,

to breathe that deoxygenated air,

to see my girlfriend.

- Well, you never told me that you had a girlfriend!

- You never asked me.

You oughta see her, Tim.

She makes your beauty contest winners look like Marines.

- Oh, a real doll, huh?

- She's only 312 years old,

doesn't look a day over 280!

- Robbing the cradle!

- You're pretty smug for someone who can't even read minds.

Now, you call your boss and tell him

you're going to have that interview with Professor Downy,

and that you're taking along your own photographer.

- Oh, uh, namely you?

- Right, go to the head of the class.

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

(magical noises)

(phone dialing)

(audience laughs)

(phone dialing)

(morse code)

(space music)

(rapid beeping)

(upbeat music)

(cheery music)

(engine starting)

Stop!

- Well, that was a quick trip.

- We're on our way to interview Professor Downy, aren't we?

- Right. - And I'm supposed to be

your photographer, right?

- Right! - Then where's the camera?

- Oh, the camera.

The camera, let's see, I put it in the, uh...

No, no, it's behind the, uh...

No.

- Oh, Earth people.

No wonder they can't remember who killed Cock Robin.

(audience laughs)

- Well, lemma think, uh...

- I know what.

Just concentrate, and I'll read your mind.

- All right.

(magical noise)

Where'd I leave the camera? - In the garage.

(audience laughs)

You know, it's a wonder you don't leave your car

in the clothes closet.

(audience laughs)

(lock rattling)

- Well now, let's see, I, uh...

I came in here to fix a hinge on my camera

and I put it, uh--

- You put it right there.

- Oh, yeah!

Well, on to Professor Downy.

- On to Professor Downy!

(wrench banging head)

(audience laughs)

- Martin!

Uncle Martin!

Martin?

Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin!

(Martin moans)

How do you feel?

- Oh, my head is trying to tell me something.

- It hurts.

- That's what it's trying to tell me.

(audience laughs)

- Well, come on, we'd better get going.

- Going?

Where am I?

- Well you're right here, with me.

- Well, that's rather obvious, isn't it, young man?

- Uncle Martin, are you--

- Uncle Martin?

Why do you call me Uncle Martin?

- Because you're my Uncle Martin.

- You're a very redundant young man, young man.

I'm trying to find out why I'm here,

who you are,

and who I am.

- Now, wait a minute.

Look, Uncle Martin, I...

Well, you really got hit with that monkey wrench.

- You call me Uncle Martin, yet you struck me

with a monkey wrench?

Apparently, our relationship leaves much to be desired!

- I didn't strike you with anything!

The monkey wrench was hanging in midair where you left it.

- A monkey wrench, hanging in midair?

Are you some kind of a nut?

- Uncle Martin, I'm afraid you have amnesia.

- Why did you strike me with that monkey wrench, young man?

- Tim O'Hara, and I didn't strike you!

Uncle Martin, don't you remember anything?

- What did you say your name was?

- Tim! - Well, Tim,

you're a very pleasant young man.

You wear nice clothes, you comb your hair neatly.

Please explain why you struck me with that monkey wrench!

- Don't you remember what you are?

- What I am?

It should be apparent that I'm a man!

Beyond that--

- You are not a man.

- I beg your pardon! - Well, you're a man,

but not really.

- Are you sure you weren't struck with the monkey wrench?

- You are a Martian.

- Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

I'm a what? - A Martian.

- A Martian? - Yes.

- A Martian, like, uh...

Up there? (laughs) - (laughs) Yeah.

- Now I think I understand.

- Oh, good, do you really?

- Yes, you kidnapped me, you drugged me,

and now you're trying to confuse me.

Well, I suggest that you stop, young man, because

I am as confused

as a mortal can be.

- Martian, not mortal!

- What sort of drug did you use on me, and why?

- I didn't. - Am I wealthy?

- You haven't got a dime! - Then why did you kidnap me?

- Well, because... I didn't kidnap you,

you came to me!

Look, your spaceship was hit and you crash landed.

- Spaceship? - It's downstairs

in the garage, you are a Martian, and you're 450 years old.

- May I see a mirror?

(audience laughs)

For a man 450 years old, I seem rather well preserved,

don't you think?

- Well, that's the way you Martians are.

As a matter of fact, you have a girlfriend up there

that makes our beauty contest winners

look like Marines, and she's 312!

- Oh? - Well, she doesn't look

a day over 280.

- Cradle robber, eh? - That's what I said.

- Uh huh, no you didn't, I just said it.

- No, that's what I said before,

when you were telling me that you wanted to go to Mars

and then you wanted to see Professor Downy...

Look, I uh...

I can show you the spaceship, it's right downstairs,

and then maybe you'll believe me.

- No matter what you take me downstairs and show me,

I will not believe this ridiculous allegation

that I am a man from Mars!

- Well, look, if we don't hurry up,

you're gonna miss Professor Downy,

and then you'll be sorry.

- I don't know Professor Downy, and I'm already sorry.

- Well, come on, I'll show you the spaceship,

maybe then you'll believe me. - I doubt it.

(tense music)

- Now you'll see that I'm telling you the truth.

- Spaceship, eh?

I don't know what game you're playing, young man,

but you certainly have a vivid imagination.

- Good morning!

- Mood gorning, Mrs. Grown!

Er, uh, bood morning, Mrs. Bow--

Uh, good morning, Mrs. Brown.

- My, you certainly are confused this morning,

Tim, isn't he? - He certainly is.

How do you do?

How old would you say she is, 600?

- Now, what sort of thing is that

to say to a woman the first thing in the morning?

- Well, Uncle Martin's not feeling well, Mrs. Brown.

- After that last remark, I don't feel so well myself!

- I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to insult you, madam.

I'm sure I would never insult a stranger.

- A stranger?

Well now, why do you call me a stranger, Uncle Martin?

- Oh, am I your uncle, too?

- Uncle Martin, please.

- Well now who's uncle am I, make up your mind!

Am I everybody's uncle?

- Mrs. Brown, you can see he's not himself today.

- Now let's not dally here, open that garage door

and show me that spac-- - Shhhh!

- I don't care if you shoot.

Madam would you call the police?

This gentleman has a gun in my back.

- A gun?

- That's right, Mrs. Brown.

A gun.

- I said call the police.

- Yes, Mrs. Brown, call the police.

- (laughs) Oh, I see.

My, it's such a pleasure to see two grown men

kidding around and playing games.

- Madam, do not be duped.

This is no game!

- That's right, baby.

This is no game, it's for real.

- I see, well have fun!

- All right, you can put your hands down now.

- I want you to know,

- I'm not afraid. - Uh, no gun, see,

I had to do something.

- You mean anything but opening that garage door, because

you know there's no such thing as a spaceship in there.

- Shh, shh, shh!

There is a spaceship in there, but only you and I know it.

Mrs. Brown has never seen it!

Now look, if it's discovered, you'll be exposed

as a Martian, and you don't want that!

- Open that garage door!

- I can't because Mrs. Brown will see the spaceship!

- Madam.

Madam, uh, what is my name, who am I?

- (laughs) Boys'll be boys!

- Boys'll be boys, that's an odd name.

I've had enough of this nonsense,

I'm going to call the police.

- Oh now, wait a second.

Come on, I'll show you the spaceship.

(lock rattling)

- I've seen better models than that at the World's Fair.

- Well, there's only one way.

You have to see a doctor.

- I'm not going to any...

Yes, yes, it might be a very good idea to see a doctor.

- Oh good, come on, I'll take you down to Dr. Billings

and he'll help you--

- Who's Dr. Billings?

- Well, he's my doctor.

- Oh, so we're going to see one of your henchmen, eh?

(audience laughs)

- But, Uncle Martin-- - Just a moment now,

if you have nothing to hide,

why can't you take me to see a neutral doctor?

- All right, I'll tell you what we'll do,

we'll look in the phone book

and pick a name at random, okay?

Now come on!

- Oh, yoohoo!

Bang, bang! (laughs)

- Well, shall we drive or shall we use my spaceship?

Martian! (chuckles in disbelief)

(whimsical music)

(cheery music)

- Now then, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

- Uh, well, doctor, uh, my uncle

received a blow on the head with a monkey wrench.

- Oh, how did that happen?

- Well, you see, doctor, it was hanging in midair

and decided to strike me!

- I see.

- Well, can you examine him right away, doctor, and--

- Hanging in midair?

- That's what he says.

- Doctor, isn't the most important thing to, uh,

examine the patient, uh, at once?

- Oh, of course.

Would you please step into the examining room?

- Uhh, doctor, are there any monkey wrenches

in your examining room?

- [Doctor] 'course not.

- You never can tell.

(audience laughs)

- Now, about this monkey wrench hanging in midair...

- Oh, yes, well doctor, you see,

he doesn't realize what he's saying.

He has amnesia.

- Oh, I see. (chuckles)

Well, then we'll just jot down a few particulars,

and we'll get right at it.

Now then, what is his name?

- Martin O'Hara.

- And, uh, place of birth?

- Mars..ston..ville.

Here and there.

Doctor, is that really very important right now?

- Well, your uncle doesn't appear to be in any distress

and, naturally, I have to know with whom I'm dealing.

- Well, yes, doctor, I can appreciate that,

but you see, time is so important.

My uncle has to see Professor Downy

before he leaves for Sweden today.

- Now then, uh, how old is he?

- Well, he's four hundred and fift--

Uh, uh, doctor, can't this wait?

You see, Professor Downy's an important scientist who--

- I know very well who Professor Downy is!

Everyone knows who Professor Downy is!

- Well, I didn't.

All I knew was that the top baseball pitcher in the league

wears polka dot socks.

- He wears stripes.

(audience laughs)

What kind of a Dodger fan are you?

(audience laughs)

Now then...

- Doctor--

- Of course, of course.

- Doctor, I've been very anxious to talk to you!

- Oh, I know you have, I know.

Please sit down here.

- You see, that young man in there's very dangerous.

- Oh, really, well you just relax a moment here, and, uh...

Now please say, "Ahh."

- There's nothing wrong with my "ahh."

Right now, I think it's vital

that you examine that young man, not me.

- Will you please say, "Ahh?"

- It's true, I don't know who I am,

but that's because he drugged me!

- Ahh?

- If you find out what he's up to,

then we can get to the bottom of this.

- First, I'd like to get to the bottom of your throat--

- You see, doctor, he claims I'm a Martian!

- Will you please say...

How's that again?

- He insists I'm a Martian, that I have a spaceship

and I'm 450 years old.

- Huh, he also thinks our star pitcher

wears polka dot socks!

- There you are!

Please examine him, doctor.

It's my only chance of finding out what the truth is.

- I don't know what's going on, here,

but one of you is going to get a big bill!

- Well, you'll find out that I'm telling the--

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

- What was that sound?

- Uh, uh...

Nothing, doctor, nothing.

- Hm.

(door closes)

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

(tense music)

(magical noise)

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

(magical noise)

(magical noise)

- What's going on in here?

- I wish I knew.

- I heard strange noises.

Are you alone in here?

- There's nobody in here but me, and my finger.

(audience laughs)

(magical noises)

Ahh.

- Furthermore, he says you said he was a Martian.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- I agree.

Then why did you say it?

- Well, I said it because--

I didn't say it!

Doctor, you wouldn't understand.

- You also said he was 460 years old.

- 450. - Ah, then you did say it!

- Yes, I-- No!

No, doctor, look,

there are some things you should explain to people

that you can't explain to people,

so they're better left unexplained.

Does that explain it? - Of course.

If you would just explain what you just said.

(audience laughs)

- A series of unusual phenomena occurred in there just now

and I fail to comprehend it.

- I'll be with you in just a moment.

Have you been feeling odd lately?

- Oh, look at the time.

Uncle Martin, if we don't see Professor Downy soon...

- If you just wait 'til I finish with him--

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

That's quite a trick!

- You haven't seen anything yet!

(classic fairground music)

- Why that's absolutely amazing!

- Thank you, but how am I doing it?

- I was just about to ask you that very question.

- It's wires, mirrors, you know, the old gimmicks.

- I resent that, there isn't a wire

attached to that finger, look!

- Oh, you see why they call him the Great Martino?

He's so amazing

that he even believes himself! (laughs nervously)

- That's a forced laugh if ever I heard one!

- I am telling you that you are a magician

and there are wires attached to your finger!

Teeny weenie wires!

- And I'm telling you

that you are a teeny weenie wire--

liar!

- I got it.

While I was examining him in the other room,

you set up those wires.

- Oh, you hit it, doc!

- Say, are you fellas in show biz?

Is that it?

I should have known.

Always having fun.

- (forced laugh) That's us, doc!

Show biz wonders.

Well, thank you very much, let's go--

- I'm not going anywhere until I find out

who I am and who you are!

- Say, would you do me a favor?

I'd like my nurse to see these tricks,

she sees nothing but sick people all day.

Let's give her a laugh!

- Well, uh, I don't mind if my finger doesn't mind.

- Martians, ha, what a sense of humor!

(audience laughs)

- I'm not really the Great Martino, am I?

- Of course not. - But you said I was.

- I had to. - Then you deliberately lied!

- Uncle Martin, what am I gonna do with you?

- Haven't you done enough?

- Uncle Martin, will you try to understand?

I'm telling you the truth.

You are a Martian!

You can even disappear. - Oh?

Am I a witch?

- All Martians can disappear.

- I wish you would!

- Uncle Martin, try, just once,

concentrate on disappearing. - I will not.

- You're afraid, because you know I'm right!

(magical noise)

- There, you see, I'm still here.

- So are your antennae.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, that's a crazy haircut somebody gave me.

- Noooo, those are your antennae.

Now, you can disappear, just concentrate on it.

Go ahead!

(magical noise)

- [Martin] How do I get back in?

- Well, I'll, uh, I'll tell you later,

but right now, just keep quiet.

- Well, here she is, this is my nurse.

Where's your partner? - Yeah, well, he had to leave.

Well, goodbye, doctor, and thank you very much

for all the laughs! - Uh, thank you,

but I wanted my nurse to see some of these tricks.

- Tricks? (laughs) What tricks?

- You should have seen him.

He made everything move and fly.

He did it with wires!

Now, that chair, it went up in the air

and it flew all the way around the room--

- Flew around the room? - Yes.

And that pencil holder, he lifted it up, and--

Well, they did!

- Doctor, you've been working too hard.

- Don't give me that, I--

(magical noise)

(audience laughs)

Did you see that?

- See what?

- That door.

It opened by itself,

and it closed by itself. - Doctor,

open wide and say, "Ahh." - Ahh.

(audience laughs)

(whimsical music)

- Yeah, that's right,

and you've been living with me ever since.

- And I did that?

- Oh yeah, you can do most anything!

- And you say we were on our way

to interview that Professor Downy?

- That's right, now look,

you were standing right over here,

and then I turned to you and I said,

"On to Professor Downy!"

- And then I said, "On to Professor Downy!"

- Right-- (hammer thumps head)

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin.

How do you feel?

- I feel like I've been hit on the head with a hammer!

- You were.

- Oh, well, how did that happen?

- Oh, don't tell me you forgot that too!

- Oh, Tim, why are we sitting here talking

when we have to see Professor Downy?

- Oh boy, what a day this has been.

First you get--

You've gotta what? - What are you talking about?

We've got to see Professor Downy before he leaves to Sweden!

- Uncle Martin, you're normal!

- Normal, that's an insult, I'm a Martian!

- Oh, say that again.

- I'm a Martian, what's the matter with you?

- Nothing, nothing, it's just that I've been worried

about you all day, ever since you lost your memory.

- Lost my memory?

Why are you talking in riddles?

- Oh, well all day long, you haven't been able

to remember one thing-- - Holy Saturn,

look at the time.

We're going to miss Professor Downy

and you're talking gibberish.

Now where's the camera? - Well it's in the garage.

- Well, let's get it and get out to UCLA--

- No, no, no, no! You don't go in the garage!

- Why not, that's where you left the camera, didn't you?

- That's right, but I get it!

I will get it.

Uncle Martin, you really back?

- Back? I've never been away, what...

(whimsical music)

- Stick 'em up!

- What's with her? - Oh, humor her,

she's just having fun.

- Bang, bang!

- Bang, bang?

- (laughs) I know who you are, who am I? (laughs)

- Earth people, they're always in a fog.

(audience laughs)

(cheery music)

- Now, it wasn't my fault that we missed Professor Downy.

- Well, if you hadn't wasted all that time

trying to find your camera-- - I didn't!

Now look, I'd explain this to you,

but you wouldn't understand.

I mean, now there are some things you should explain

that can't be explained. Does that explain it?

- Would you mind explaining what you just said?

- That's what Dr. Gilbert said.

- Who's Dr. Gilbert? - I can't explain that.

- You deliberately made me miss an opportunity

to get back to my planet!

- I did not, honest!

Oh no, you're not gonna disappear on me now, are you?

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin!

Now this isn't fair, will you just come out

and show yourself for one minute

and I can explain everything to you!

Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin!

(magical noise)

(whimsical music)

- That poor man.

Did you see him?

It's the pressure.

There's just too much pressure in the world today.

- Now come on, this is silly!

I know you're here.

(audience laughs)

- Where can anyone go today where there's no pressure?

- Mars, I guess.

- Mars?

Yeah, but how do you get there?

- That's the problem, all right.

But I'll get back there one day.

- You too?

(whimsical music)

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)