Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Subtitle By: MARSH-MARIE

[therapist] How are you feeling on a scale of one to ten?

Can I be less than one?

[therapist] There's nothing lower than one.

There's zero.

[inhales sharply] Your parents tell me you were born

with a unique condition.

I accidentally, I accidentally kill people.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

When people see me, the... my face, they...

[scoffs]

[snorts]

You accidentally assault people with your face?

Let's pretend that what you're projecting is, in fact, real,

why are your parents still alive?

I think they must've seen your face.

Well... my mom says

- she knew something was wrong the day I was born. - [nurse] One more push.

- [Jan yells] - [Paul] One more push, honey.

- [nurse] You're so close. - [Paul] Yes.

- It's a boy. - [baby cries]

He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

[mellow music]

[nurses sigh and thud]

[doctor groans and thuds]

[Max] We moved out of the city when I was two

to some place more secluded.

The fewer the people, the less accidents.

It was a fresh start, my chance at a normal life.

That was wishful thinking.

[scissors snipping]

Because I couldn't have felt any more... different.

I understand your desire to dwell in the past.

What really brought you here today?

I just want to be normal.

Have you ever considered that your wrappings

could simply be your mind's

physical manifestation of depression?

[dramatic music]

[water rushing]

[clattering]

Oh, my God. [sighs]

I, I tried to tell him.

Damn it, Max.

[upbeat music]

- [siren wailing] - Look, we know all these heart attacks

ain't his fault, but it just doesn't sit right

that every time someone croaks in this town,

we get a call and, boom, there's your boy.

- Yeah, it's strange. Just strange. - It is weird.

[officer] It just looks bad on the whole force

that we keep letting him off with a warning.

Folks are dying, and all we can say is,

"Well, you know, shit happens."

- No, we, we completely understand. - We understand.

[slurps]

[playful music on radio]

So, uh...

Did, did, uh, Dr. Clingaman say anything helpful?

No, Dad.

He died.

Yeah.

[Jan] I'm sorry our house is a freezer, Dan.

The heater's still waiting for Paul to fix it.

Uh, I don't mind a little cold, Mrs. Richardson.

Yeah, well neither does Paul.

- [phone ringing] - Oh, hello there, Alana Skovia.

What is that then, new country?

Alana Skovia is a type of babe, and she's from the Ukraine.

Hmm, Paul, didn't you have something to say?

Your dad has something he wanted to say.

Max, your mother is worried that you spend too much...

Wait a minute, excuse me, whoa.

- Well. - We, okay.

We are worried you spend too much time at home.

Yes, honey, I think Dan would agree

that you're not going to meet anyone your own age

locked away in your room.

[Paul] Wait a sec. What if Max

signed up with one of those dating services,

you know, like, like, Dan on the, uh,

you know, on the cell phone?

Oh, there's an idea. Paul!

That's a great idea because all the girls

are going to want to swipe right on this, huh?

I look like a freaking burn victim had sex

with a serial killer, guys.

Max, can you please not use graphic

comparisons at the table?

- That's a rule? - [Jan] Yes, it is.

- Yes. - It's a rule now.

It is, it's a rule.

[fork clattering]

What's with the brick?

[quirky music]

- [device beeping] - No.

Come on.

You said last time was the last time.

That was a hammer, this is a brick, it's different.

- You need to see a therapist. - I did, he's dead.

This is your problem, man.

You lock yourself up in here like a grandma,

sewing all this...

- is that bunny sucking his own dick? - What?

That's a carrot, he's eating a carrot.

Looks like a dick, man.

Jeez, you just don't get it.

You know how thirsty the girls are right now?

Was there a drought?

- [sighs] It's Valentine's Day, dude. - [Max] Oh.

It's the easiest day of the year to score a date.

All the single ladies are on a survival mission

to score a Facebook brag post,

and you get to be the guy that makes it happen.

- [scoffs] - Come on.

[phone chiming]

Hey.

[phone chiming]

Yeah.

Stop.

[phone chiming]

[phone beeping]

[phone clattering]

- [punch thudding] - [TV playing]

[man] It's a horrible monster.

It's evil because it's different.

It's strange!

Oh.

The Foreign Exchange Program's looking for host families.

That could be nice.

Get you a little foreign friend?

Mom, they're, they're foreign exchange students.

They're not pets.

They're foreign, and they want to come here.

- Okay. - [Jan sighs]

Max, go get a magazine.

[whispers] Go!

[TV chatter continues]

[video game noises]

Can I help you?

Uh, I was just... [stutters]

Oh, this isn't going to fix your problem.

- Okay. - Sorry.

[man on TV] Stop, stop, stop, stop!

- [Jan] What is that? - It's a magazine.

No, this is garbage, take this, you take this.

Look, foreign exchange.

I haven't, I haven't seen anyone play that game in a long time.

Oh, oh, I didn't catch 150 Pokémon to abandon them.

150, that, that's a lot, that's a lot of Pokémon.

- Um. - I, I fell.

You fell?

- On a brick. - [groans]

I hate when that happens.

[man on TV yells]

Max Richardson.

[somber music]

[Max] Okay.

[Jan sighs]

[Jan shivers] I can't,

it's too cold to fold.

- [Jan sighs] - Just call someone.

Your father said he would fix the heater two weeks ago.

No one should have to live in these conditions.

[dial tone beeping]

- [phone ringing] - That's not breakfast, that's sugar.

Hi, yes, I'm calling about the heater in my living room.

It stopped working a week ago.

Oh, thank you, that's perfect.

It's 411 New Beginnings.

Oh, yes, he's my son.

- Hello? - [phone hangs up]

Oh, my God, he hung up on me.

[doorbell ringing]

It's Dan.

Hey.

Hi, so, uh, I didn't break your nose or anything?

[chuckles] No... I wish.

I just have a hyperactive immune system,

I'm practically deformed.

Okay, try not to describe yourself

as being deformed tonight.

What's tonight?

Dan, I, I hate you.

You said you wanted to meet girls,

- I got you a Valentine's date. - No, no,

that's not what I said.

I said I, I can't, I can't meet girls.

- Well, now you can. - Oh, my God.

What, what's going on?

Oh, my God.

Dude, stop stressing.

- Oh, my God. - It's going to be fine.

You're going to kill it.

- Shit. - [Max sighs]

You know what I mean.

So, I'm, like, really feeling your cologne right now.

[laughs] Well, it's compliments to this guy.

[chuckles] It's, it's just, it's just Arm & Hammer.

Like the baking soda?

You know, I don't normally set people up,

but, uh, I'm not going to lie,

I think you and Max will be pretty bomb together.

Wait, what?

Bonjour, lady and gentlemens.

Happy Valentine's Day, can I start any you off

with a cold beverage tonight?

You know what?

I got these two.

- Dan. - [girl] Wait.

[waiter] What about one of our milkshakes?

[girl] I can't have that.

- [waiter] Milk? - Calories.

All right, two diet sodas, extra ice.

Thank you.

[soft music playing in background]

[phone typing]

So... [chuckles] Erica...

that's a really strong name.

Um, is it, is it, uh, Filipino?

I'm Cuban.

Oh, I, I forgot, I made you something.

I hope this isn't weird,

I, I don't really think it's that weird.

You made me a napkin?

[chuckles] No, it, it looks like a napkin, kind of, yeah.

But, uh, it's actually a handkerchief, and if you,

if you cry, you can use it to wipe,

or if you need to blow your nose, um,

or all of the above, if, if they're happening at the same,

same kind of time and...

Thanks.

Look, um... [chuckles] I, I know you didn't,

you didn't have to come here tonight.

But you, you seem really nice, and this is kind of,

like, my first Valentine's Day thing like this,

so...

thank you.

- [man] I'm making a scene? - [woman] Yes.

- You want me to make a scene? - [glass smashing]

You're an asshole, Craig! [sobs]

Erica.

What's hanging, sexy?

[inhales]

[blows]

Hold up.

You're the kid that kills people with his pretty face?

Uh, no, that's...

Oh, shit, you are.

Uh.

Come on, let me see.

- Craig. - Two diets and, um,

my manager is asking you to leave.

- Your manager can suck my sack. - Totally.

[eerie music]

- Uh. - [glass clattering]

- What the hell, man? - Sorry, sorry.

- It's fine, it's fine. - No, this ain't cool.

Okay, yeah, I'll get, I'll get someone.

No.

You did this.

You clean it up.

[Erica] Craig.

Okay, but with, with what?

Start with whatever this shit is.

[Max sighs]

- Here, let me help you. - [hat thuds]

- [people gasping] - Oh, my God. Craig, stop it!

[Max grunts]

[manager] Hey, I need you to go.

[Craig] I'm going, I'm going.

[manager] I'm so sorry. We're going to get this cleaned up for you.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chattering]

[Max pants]

Uh...

do you, do you think I could, I could...

I could take you on a date some other time?

Uh...

I, I can't.

I, I'm sorry.

[dramatic music]

[vehicle whooshing]

[Max sobbing]

[girl] What are you doing?

[whimpering]

I'm Alex.

I remember, I'm just...

Just kind of in the middle of something.

What, am I interrupting your dramatic leap off the bridge?

[Max heavily breaths]

Bad things happen because of me and...

And they'd stop once I'm gone, okay?

That's pretty dark.

Yeah, well, my life is pretty dark.

It could be the sunglasses.

Jelly bean?

But they only have the gross flavors.

Well, because I ate all the good ones,

and this is the shit I was left with.

Thanks, I'm good.

- [sweets splashing] - [Max gasps]

Fair enough, you jump, you jump

in the river full of jelly beans.

I had, I had a dream once that...

that I was swimming in a pool full of jelly beans.

[mellow music]

Doesn't seem like much of a drop.

You should probably find a higher bridge.

What? [chuckles]

You want to die, right?

Yeah.

Well, then you should find a higher bridge.

Wait, what? Wait, what?

Are you, are you serious?

Well, it's just physics.

What did you want me to say?

[scoffs] I don't, I don't know.

Look...

you're not going to jump.

You're going to die an old man warm on your bed, not here.

- Not this night. - [Max sobs]

"You jump, I jump," remember?

Did you just quote Titanic?

Well, my ride's here.

- [brakes squeaking] - [Max] You're leaving?

If you're going to end your life forever,

what's a couple more hours with me?

[jolly music on radio]

Let me see if she's taking visitors today.

Thank you, Myrtle, nice to see you as always.

What's with all the caps and exclamation marks?

Oh, it's just a reminder of, like,

how I like to live my life.

Loud, vibrant, bold.

Oh, okay.

No, I'm, I'm here more than the staff.

So, it's just annoying that they keep making me

sign in so I'm annoying back.

- [Alex sighs] - You know, when you

said you were going to take me somewhere,

I, I didn't really think

you meant the retirement home.

[chuckles] Well, I thought

nothing would make you appreciate life

more than being around a bunch of

old people who are about to croak.

Hey.

Hello.

Alex, you usually visit on Fridays.

Oh, it is Friday, Esther.

Oh, one of the upsides to Alzheimer's,

it's almost always the weekend.

Hey, one of the many upsides.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - By the way, I brought you

a present, this is Max.

Oh, what happened to your face?

I should have some vitamin D ointment in my purse.

- He doesn't need ointment. - [Esther] Oh, take the ointment.

- Was it a burn? - Max fell on a brick.

- [gasps] A brick? - And today he almost fell off of a bridge.

[gasps] Christ, boy, are you drunk?

No, he's depressed.

[Esther] Rosemary, this boy thinks he's depressed.

- Depressed? - [Esther] Yeah,

wait until your bladder stops.

And they put you on this pill that they shove up your ass

and then it gives you rashes in places you didn't even know you had.

Then we can talk about being depressed.

Oh my, your face.

Oh, good, you have ointment. Ha-ha!

I have written over 30 novels.

I think I have an understanding of the process.

You wrote novels?

Write novels, I'm not dead yet.

Romance novels.

[with raspy voice] Dirty ones.

Oh, like Danielle Steel? My mom loves her.

Yeah, well, I went to college

with that bitch, and let me tell you,

that ginger whore doesn't have

one original thought in her brain.

Her last name is Steel for Christ's sake.

She stole my shit!

Tell them what you're writing now.

I think it's fabulous.

[Esther] Well, it's my last novel. Not so much a memoir,

a personal walk with Alzheimer's,

my descent into the disease.

I feel at my age, all I have left is my mind.

If I lose that, what else is there?

Son of a bitch, here she goes.

Not everyone has the ability to face the unknown

with such courage, Esther.

I told you before, I think your book's going to change lives.

I suppose, I mean, there really isn't anything like it.

Except for maybe that one movie.

What movie?

Uh, you know, the one where the woman can't remember,

- and he comes every day. - The Notebook?

Yes, it's maybe a lot like that one.

[Alex chuckles]

[somber music]

You didn't, you didn't have to walk me all the way home.

Oh, I just wanted to make sure

you're home wasn't the bridge.

You're home, cool.

- Yeah. - Have a good night.

Do you...

[laughs] Um...

[groans] what are, what are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

Oh.

I can't.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

No, that's...

Uh...

I just... it's not you.

Today was really fun.

Um, I just... I wasn't really...

- planning this. - Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

Have a good night.

[announcer] You lose.

[music playing on video game]

Did you at least get her last name?

[Max] Why would I ask her that?

Dude, you always ask for the last name

so you can creep her on social media.

- Ugh. - Was she hot?

- Uh, I don't know. - [controllers clicking]

I'm not buying it.

[scoffs]

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - [chuckles] Ha!

I'm over this.

You know, you could try retracing your steps.

Try and bump into her again.

Oh, see, a little bit of ass, I told you.

[gentle music]

[truck rumbling]

Uh, hey, you, you just, you just missed your bus.

- Are you stalking me? - [Max] What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm...

So what, what are you doing here?

[Max] I was, I was...

Maybe I'm stalking you.

You didn't know I was going to be here.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure

I'm here and so are you.

I think the fact that I can't see your confused face

makes me want to screw with you more.

Are you sure you don't want to hang with me again?

Don't you have school?

I'm, I'm, I'm home-schooled. [chuckles]

That's still school, it's literally in the name.

It's, it's, it's called an independent, independent study.

Hey, if you're already skipping...

why not just spend a couple more hours with me?

[gentle music]

- Yes. [sighs] - Yes?

[Alex] Start walking before I start saying no.

[Max chuckles] Okay.

Can I interest you two in a free RPG starter pack?

How many goblins are in this game?

Hundreds, and there's like goblin hordes and clans and...

But there's only one wench?

Eleanor the Savage Queen of Man.

What are those goblins doing to Eleanor the Savage?

Well, they are, um, ravaging her dungeon.

This is not enough. Excuse me?

Hi, do you have any more in the back?

[Alex shrieks]

[jelly beans clattering]

[Max chuckles]

Jelly beans are supposed to feel like jelly

not like gravel.

[both chuckle]

My dream would have been much more comfortable.

What was your dream?

Um, a river full of Jell-O.

- What flavor? [chuckles] - Celery.

That's, that's not a real thing.

Um, it is 100% a real thing,

housewives in the 1960s used it

to rebel against their husbands.

Alex, I have to tell you something.

I was born with a face and...

Ooh, you were born with a face.

[chuckles]

[gentle ambient music]

[exhales sharply] God.

My face is lethally attractive.

So, when people see it, when they see my face, they...

Die?

[loudly sighs]

Okay.

- Okay? - I mean, not okay, but...

it's old news.

You already knew?

Besides, you're kind of a big hit at the hospital.

[Max chuckles]

Wait...

what are you doing hanging around the hospital?

I have a rare cardiovascular disease.

What's wrong with your heart?

[sighs] I'm allergic to endorphins.

Excitement causes inflammation,

which causes my heart to grow.

This monitors heart rate and heart size.

So any emotion, good or bad, my body rejects.

It's okay though because they put me on this trial medication,

and I got really lucky because it works.

So, now my heart is basically on Weight Watchers.

So, you're fine?

Well, if you consider taking a pill every day

and wearing a robotic bra fine, then, yes.

My heart is not currently a ticking time bomb.

Have you ever thought about if your life were a movie,

what song they would use in the montage?

Mm... no.

Do, do most people think about that kind of stuff?

Yes, everyone, except you.

[Max chuckles]

This is for one of those moments

where your life derails you, and your head

and your heart can't keep up.

Everything plays out like a blur.

And all you hear is this.

[gentle music playing on phone]

[gentle music]

This movie theater hasn't gotten a new movie in five years,

but this will make it feel like new.

[both exhale]

- Is this wine? - Yes, the vodka kind.

- It tastes like nail polish. - That's how you know it's effective.

How do you know what nail polish tastes like?

Thanks. [sighs]

[jovial music playing]

[groans] I don't think I can finish this whole bottle.

Don't you dare ruin this for me. I've wanted to do this for so long.

- [whispers] Why? - Because I could never do

anything fun, because I was always sick.

[sighs] Besides, I didn't really have any friends.

[dramatic music playing]

You're my first friend.

[creepy child's laughter]

Do you want to play a drinking game?

- How, we've never seen this movie? - Yes, it's like

the Any Movie Drinking Game.

- The Any Movie Drinking Game? - [whispers] Yes, go!

Okay, okay, okay, uh, if you see a title card, drink.

- Go. - Okay.

[upbeat techno music]

[Alex chuckles] Next.

Oh, okay. Oh, if there's a flashback.

Yes!

Any time an actor talks.

Any time it says, "From the producers of,"

Any time someone wakes up, go!

- Eugh! - [planet booming]

Planets! Excessive armpit hair. Cheers!

[Max chuckles]

- [groans] - Gosh, it's really hot.

- Are you hot? - No.

I'm, like, boiling in here. [chuckles]

- Why is it sticky here, too? - [Alex giggles]

- Can you feel your teeth? - Yes.

- Are they there? - Is this your first time drinking?

[Max groans]

- Buddy, you need to drink this. - [groans]

- What, all of it? - Yeah, all of it.

[Max] Oh, I can't.

- [Alex] You can. - I'm going to drown.

[Max gulps]

- [Max chuckles] - Oh!

[phone buzzing]

Oops.

[groans]

Hey!

Dude, why aren't we hanging out?

- This is stupid, come over. - Hi.

Oh, shit, um, you two just get back to whatever it is

that you were doing, and Max?

Yeah.

- You're my boy. - Oh. [groans]

Who was that?

Dan.

Dan.

What was that?

Oh, this is the tiny light of death,

pray it never blinks.

- Max? - Hmm.

I want you to stitch me like one of your French girls.

[gentle ambient music]

Okay, Rose.

[with puppet voice] I can feel you staring at me.

[chuckles] You can't see if I'm staring at you.

I can't see what you're doing. [chuckles]

[gentle music]

Hi.

[door clicking]

[Jan] Max!

[Max] Uh.

Max, I...

Oh, wow.

[softly mumbles]

- A girl. - Oh, God. Please kill me.

Hi, I'm Alex.

- Whoa, whoa. - [Alex] Oh.

- Sorry, I'm a hugger. - What, since when?

- No, you're not! - [mumbles]

I'm, uh... I, uh... I'm a shaker.

- [Alex] Hi. - Hi.

Dad.

[Alex chuckles]

[Jan] Oh, come on in.

This is Yu Shen.

She's from the exchange program.

Yu Shen, welcome to your new home.

I'm in hell.

[chuckles]

You're so cute, isn't she cute?

- Yes. - [cat meows]

- Oh! - [cat hisses]

[door slamming]

She's a little jet-lagged.

[upbeat music playing]

[groans] Damn it.

You take two steps forward and the next thing you know,

you're face down in the shitter wondering

how the hell you got there.

Hey, why is Rosemary sitting all by herself?

She's waiting for her son to take her to get pie for her birthday.

She says he comes every year, but I've never seen it.

It's her birthday?

82, but I didn't tell you.

She wants everybody to think she's 88.

- Why? - Well, when you're young, you lie about your age

because you can't accept the fact that you're getting old.

But when you crack 70, all you want is for people

to tell you, "You don't look your age."

[Max chuckles]

The pie is not going anywhere, Ro.

Get your sweet ass in here!

Could you stop screaming at me?

She's always on me about my ass.

Oh, I love this game.

Happy Birthday, Rose.

88 years, can you believe it?

88, you barely look a day over 82.

You told him.

Let the boy give you a compliment.

Thank you, I have a lot to be thankful for.

My health, my friends.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without you.

Well, you would carry on like the rest of us.

I told you, I'm not strong like you, Esther.

If I knew what was coming,

I don't know if could put myself through it.

[Esther] It's not strength, Ro.

We didn't sign up just for the good parts.

The good comes with the bad, that's living.

Oh, shit, I hate this goddamn game!

[Rosemary] My turn!

[Jan] And that is the secret

to American cuisine.

- [phone clicking] - Craft.

Max, did your goblin starter kit come

with an oraculum gem?

I have no idea what that means.

Yu Shen, what does your mom make for dinner?

Maybe I could try to something ethnic.

[doorbell ringing]

[steps loudly]

[door thudding]

- Uh, you got to pay for these. - [Jan] Sorry about that.

Sorry, here you go. This is for you.

Thank you so much, sorry again.

Have a good night.

- Tomorrow, you're taking her. - What?

No, she, she, she doesn't want to be here.

Max, Yu Shen's family is very well off, okay?

- This is an adjustment for her. - So what?

Can you please show a little sympathy?

I'm... so, I... you want me to feel

bad for her because she's rich?

[Jan] No, would it hurt you at all to try

and help her get acclimated?

I have plans tomorrow!

Max, I'm asking you to be a friend.

Mom, I'm supposed to go camping with Alex and Dan.

Then you, Alex, Dan and Yu Shen

will have a great day tomorrow.

This is a dictatorship.

Well, no one said it was a democracy.

Oh, real American, Jan.

- Oh, you're calling me Jan now? - [Max] Yeah, you look

like a Jan to me.

Okay.

[door slamming]

Thanks, thanks, Paul. Thanks for your help!

- How am I missing Grishnakh. - And for listening!

- Honey, could you move my character kit? - What?

- Grishnakh. He's a level three key master. - What?

He, he's, he's, he's the only goblin

who can penetrate Eleanor's secret vault.

I'm lost without him.

It was right here in this front drawer.

What is this game?

[bright music]

[thudding]

[Max] Yu Shen!

I hate to burst your bubble, but it's way too flimsy.

Uh, don't act like you know what I'm doing.

Well, it looks like you're making a walking stick.

That's funny because I'm making a...

[twig snapping]

...wand to close the portal.

What portal? [chuckles]

One to the alternate dimension Dan's dates

- keep crawling out of. - [camera clicking]

I don't know, maybe Tiffany's exceptionally warm-blooded.

- Like a human polar bear. - Please, have more respect

for the polar bears.

[chuckles] Can you get a picture of us against this wall?

That's a tree.

Aren't you freezing?

No, it's fur.

- Oh. - [Dan] It's nice.

[Alex] Christ.

[camera clicking]

[gasps] Oh, shit, girl, you're bleeding.

I just... oh.

[Max] Oh, here, uh,

I've got, uh... here, give me your hand.

No, that stings, I don't really want you to do that.

- Muffin tits. - What, muffin ti...

- [Alex sighs] - [Max] Give me one second.

Oh, it looks like we have a Boy Scout on our hands.

[mellow music]

How's that feel?

Fine, thank you.

[heart pounding]

[Tiffany giggles]

[Yu Shen snores]

I know he's your friend, but that's got to get old.

I don't know, I...

I accepted a long time ago

that Dan has...

what I don't.

Oh, come on.

You're not exactly wearing that 'cause you're ugly.

[Max snickers]

It would be nice to know what you looked like under there.

It's just a face.

What are you doing?

Close your eyes and don't open them

until I tell you to, okay?

Okay, Mr. Serious.

[Max] I am being serious.

[gentle ambient music]

I wish you could see my face.

You really know how to make a girl feel like Helen Keller.

[Max laughing]

[Alex laughing]

- [Alex] Max? - Yeah.

Have you ever been kissed?

Almost...

once.

I was in the first grade and I met this girl,

and we decided that we would be each other's first kiss.

So, I told her to close her eyes.

But first graders, they just don't listen very well.

I'm not going to make the same mistake as that girl.

Technically, it'd be hard because you're blind.

[Alex sighs]

[heart pounding]

- No, no! [chuckles] - [chuckles] Nice.

Every time. [groans] Here. Have fun losing.

Wait, does she even know how to play it?

- [character grunting] - Oh, damn, she's good.

How are you so good at this?

Be my American boyfriend?

- What? - [phone buzzing]

Hey, are you on your way?

Oh, um, my mom just declared a mandatory spring cleaning,

so I'm kind of a prisoner at the moment.

Spring? It's freezing outside.

I know, she doesn't understand the seasons, so we must all suffer.

Oh, God, I didn't even know you could do that!

[controller thudding]

Hold on one second.

Let's get nasty tonight.

What, what, what did she say?

- [Alex chuckles] - [Max] I'm sorry, there's weirdness happening.

Just text if you want to hang out later, okay?

Yeah, I'll talk to you later, bye.

- [Alex sighs] - [announcer] Paging Dr. Ross,

please, report to emergency immediately.

[muffled talking]

[mom] We don't let her do anything that would cause her heart to grow?

[announcer] Dr. Kravitz, you are needed here in...

Max, can you pause the game? I need help real quick

- with something small. - Sure, Mrs. Richardson.

Ah-ah. This request isn't

either going to be small nor quick.

I need you to take out the Christmas tree.

- Told you. - [festive music]

[groans] This tree is a bitch!

You know what? Shut up.

You did this.

- [Dan groans] Shit, hold on, hold on. - [Max] Okay.

[Dan] I think I got a splinter. [groans]

[Max] Okay, well, come on, let's go upstairs.

I think my mom's got some tweezers.

- [Dan] It hurts. - [Max] Just stop crying.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

- [fire whooshing] - ♪ Oh, what fun is it to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun is it to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Whoa, what? Yu Shen!

Don't... you're going to burn the house down!

- [Max] Whoa, Mom, Mom! - [Dan] Get some water, quick!

- [Max yells] - [Dan groans and yells]

All right, all set. So, you're going to change out

the dressing in two to three days.

I'm prescribing you an antibiotic ointment,

so you can put it on every day.

Do you have any questions?

- What are you doing later? - You can take any

over-the-counter pain medication. Just make sure

you're taking the proper dosage. And if the pain or swelling

increases, you come in immediately.

Otherwise, I'll see you in seven days.

Wait, I get to see you again?

For your follow-up, yes.

Damn.

You know, she really doesn't seem like your type.

Yeah, what do you know about my type.

Hmm, brainless.

- [bag thudding] - [groans]

This is good gauze, she gave you the good stuff.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Twinsies. - [chuckles]

- You didn't even get her number or anything, so. - Dude.

[Alex's mom] I don't understand, why didn't you tell me?

Mom, because I knew you'd freak out.

[Dan] Hey, Alex!

Hey.

Um...

Uh, Christmas tree attack.

That's funny, uh,

I'm Dan, this is Max.

They work with me at the home.

Then you must spend an awful lot of time together.

[Alex] No, no, we work different shifts. Don't worry.

It's okay. Okay, well, it was good to see you, feel better.

[somber music]

Dude, what the hell?

Let's get out of here.

[air whooshing]

[balloon popping]

[Paul] The forum online said they only manufactured

10,000 units of Gremlin.

[mellow music playing in the background]

And he supposedly comes with detachable goblin armor.

Which you should be able to hear.

[box clattering]

Hey, Dad, when you and Mom met,

how did you guys know that you liked each other?

[box clattering]

I took your mother to dinner.

I think it was... our second date.

We were walking to the car and she said,

"Paul, you love me, okay?"

And, and that's how I knew.

You might think it's blatantly obvious that you like Alex,

but there's a good chance she has no idea.

Uh, I never said I liked Alex.

Well, hypothetically, if you did.

Communication goes a long way with women, Max,

especially since they think men are incapable of doing it.

And I'm going to go out on a limb and say

that if you did decide to tell Alex how you feel...

you might like what she has to say back.

[gentle music]

[Alex] Like, what is in the Blegh Sex Shop?

[Max] I don't know. Uh, probably something really gross or really lame.

[Alex] Dildos for dogs.

[Max] Kale-flavored condoms.

[Alex] Oh, my God, your dad's nudes.

[Max] Ugh!

Alex, are we going to talk about yesterday?

Oh, um, I just said you volunteered at the home

because it's easier for my mom.

- Easier? - Yeah.

Check-ups are really triggering for her

and the idea of me having friends

still feels like a death sentence.

But she likes when I volunteer at the home

because she thinks it's nice

and safe and boring.

You're on meds though so why is she so worried?

Because that's how anxiety works.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Don't tell me it's Friday.

I know it's Wednesday.

- It's Wednesday. - Yeah.

[jovial music playing]

What's all this?

Oh, uh, we got Rosemary pies.

Uh, but we weren't sure what flavor she liked best,

so we just got her a slice of each one.

What's wrong?

[sighs]

[machine beeping]

[Esther] Look who came to see you.

Rose?

Rose?

I, I can't let her see me like this.

[Max] Hey, Rosemary,

[heart pounding]

Rosemary, it's me and Alex.

[Alex sniffles]

[Alex sighs]

You okay?

It's not right.

The way they have her hooked up to those machines.

I know, it sucks.

But they are what's keeping her alive.

No.

They're barely holding onto her...

for what?

Some stupid moral compass

that says that's the way it has to be?

That's the way it is.

Well, what we can do about it?

You can help her.

Alex, you can't ask me that.

- You said it doesn't hurt. - I don't think it hurts.

It doesn't look like it does, but I, I...

it's not like I can ask them after it happens.

[somber music]

Alex.

I know you think what happens with you is a curse.

But those people who have seen your face will never have

to know what it feels like to lose yourself slowly.

To have your last memory be withering away

in a hospital bed.

She shouldn't have to bargain away her dignity to die.

[somber piano music]

[machine beeping]

Hey, Rosemary.

Do you want to go to sleep?

[machine blaring]

[phone clicking]

[door squeaking]

[door thudding]

Yu Shen, hi!

How, how was school?

[bag thudding]

She's miserable, and your father is taking over the house.

Max, will you please explain to your mother

that some of us have a stressful job to go to all week

and shouldn't be villainized

for treasuring a minuscule amount of free time.

What does it look like I'm doing right now, Paul?

This is a job.

[Jan loudly sighs]

So, how are things with Alex?

I don't know. She's not texting me back.

Well, how you perceive things

may not be how Alex sees them.

Okay, well, how are guys

supposed to just psychically know what girls are thinking?

It just, it makes, it makes no sense.

If I knew the answer to that my house

wouldn't be overrun by goblins.

I'm sorry I enjoy the few things that make me happy.

So, now I'm the villain. Max, will you please

explain to your father the definition

of a double standard?

Oh, my God, this is so stupid.

You just need to stop nagging him, and,

Dad, you need to stop playing that game so much.

I mean, it's not that complicated, holy shit!

[gentle ambient music]

[door slamming]

[crickets chirping]

Ah-ha! See? I knew she had a shift today.

Just got to make sure she's no longer with Craig.

Shit, here she comes.

[jovial music playing in the background]

- Bonjour, gentlemen. - Hi.

Have you heard our specials today?

No, but you seem pretty special.

[chuckles] Wait, don't we go to the same school?

What? We should go to the Spring Fling together.

- [waitress] Yeah? - Yeah.

- [chuckles] Pick me up at eight. - Okay.

Dude, what? You're coming.

- Wait, so we're not even eating? - No, that's dumb. You're coming to the dance.

No, I, I don't even go to your school, man.

Look, it doesn't matter, dude. You're my wingman, bring Alex.

[sighs] She's, she's not really talking to me, so.

- What? Give me this. - Hey, Dan, give that back.

Come here. You can't just take my phone and then...

- [phone beeping] - Oh, hello.

[gentle ambient music]

[phone chiming]

- What did she say? - Hold on.

- What? - Just drop it.

[sighs]

Your medicine...

did you...

[Max sighs]

Is it not working?

They just need to up my dosage.

But your heart, your...

your heart's gotten bigger.

I just don't understand why you didn't say anything to me.

Why, so you could freak out, stop talking to me

and I go back to living in a padded cell?

You didn't even give me a chance and now,

now I feel like I'm the reason

this whole thing has gotten so bad.

I'm sorry I've made it so bad for you.

That's not what I'm saying, Alex.

You just have to wrap your face every day, Max.

I don't get a quick fix.

It's really not fair.

[gentle ambient music]

I'm sorry.

This is the dumbest tissue box I've ever seen.

[both chuckle softly]

My mom likes to hide little words

of encouragement around the house.

It's sweet, but her execution, it's...

well, it's shit.

[Max laughs]

Alex...

is there anything I can do?

[sighs] You could be my heart donor.

Or you could take me to that dance.

["Loneliness" by Bobby Page & The Riff Raffs]

♪ I like twist, twist ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ I like twist, twist ♪

[Jan] Max!

♪ I like twist twist all night long ♪

♪ I like twist twist all night long ♪

- Ooh! - [Paul] Oh, don't look down.

[Max] Oh, sorry, sorry, one second!

♪ I like to twist, twist ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ I'm going to let you ♪

♪ Do it once ♪

- [Alex] It's not prom. - [Jan] Yeah.

♪ I'm going to let you do it, baby ♪

♪ For the rest of your life ♪

Hi.

- Hey. - Hi.

[doorbell ringing]

- [Jan] Oh, it's the door. - Doorbell.

♪ If you want to... ♪

What's, what's that? [chuckles]

Oh, okay, so, you're a French maid

and I'm a... Oh.

I'm a musical mutt?

You're a horn dog.

Oh... [chuckles] I'm a very overdressed horn dog.

- Well... - [horn tooting]

...I assumed we were going

to treat the Spring Fling

as the proper joke that it is.

Well, you look... perfectly offensive.

Thank you.

Uh, so your mom's, your mom's cool with this?

I mean, no, but, you know,

it's not like she can say anything about it.

It's bad for the heart.

They upped your dosage, right?

All good.

[footsteps approaching]

[Jan] Oh, uh, Yu Shen.

[upbeat music]

Oh, what are you, uh, what are you wearing?

- Is it wrong that I love her? - ["Emotional" by Zig-Zag]

♪ Moves, she's gone ♪

♪ You are a sucker ♪

♪ Moves, she's gone ♪

♪ You will suffer ♪

You want to dance?

These people aren't dancing.

They are getting pregnant on the dance floor.

[Max laughs]

♪ Moves, she's gone ♪

♪ You are so in love ♪

♪ Moves, she's gone ♪

♪ Know you're just disposable, disposable ♪

♪ And I can't let you go ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

["She Is My Dream" by The Tads]

- [both chuckle] - ♪ There she goes ♪

Woo, I should've worn more deodorant.

[Max chuckles] You're disgusting.

[Alex laughs]

Yeah, actually, slow dances give me really bad anxiety.

Oh, what's anxiety? [chuckles]

[Max] Okay, I see what you're doing.

[Alex] Blessings.

♪ She is my dream ♪

♪ There she goes ♪

♪ I think I'll take a walk ♪

♪ There she goes ♪

♪ And maybe we can talk ♪

♪ I'll tell her ♪

♪ I love her so ♪

♪ I love her so ♪

♪ My only dream to me it seems ♪

♪ Is to try and make her mine ♪

Boop.

- [Max barks] - [both laugh]

- [Alex chuckles] - [Max] I got you.

You did.

♪ My future just passed me by ♪

♪ There she goes ♪

♪ An angel in my eyes there she goes ♪

- ♪ I love her passing by ♪ - [eerie music]

♪ I love her ♪

♪ For she is my dream... ♪

[heart throbbing]

- I think I'm going to be sick. - [Max] Can I get you something?

[Alex] No, no, no, it's okay, I'll be right back.

♪ Try to make her mine ♪

♪ Now she has gone I think I'll go home ♪

[party music playing]

[Dan] Oh, get rid of the sliders!

- [girl] Shit. - [Dan] Oh, hey, man.

Hey, where's Alex?

- [Max] Oh, uh, she... - [Craig] Yo, Valencia.

[Valencia] I'm with Dan now, Craig.

- This fag? - Ew, who even uses that word anymore?

Me, I just, I just said it.

I know shit brains.

[Dan chuckles] Nice.

Oh, that's, that's funny to you?

[Max] Uh, yeah, I mean, it's not, not funny.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, shit... napkin face?

Hey, uh, how's it going with the ladies?

I heard this guy really knows how to knock them dead.

[group snickers]

- What, nothing? - [hands pushing]

[Dan] Whoa, hey, man.

[Craig groans] Come here.

You're such a freaking asshole, Craig!

- [Dan] Hey, hey. - Yo, Valencia.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[muffled heavy breathing]

[siren wailing]

[people yelling]

[somber music]

[officer] Back up!

- [Max] Alex. - [officer] No, let's go.

Please let me just... Alex!

[siren wailing]

[camera snapping]

[officer] And to your left.

[door slamming]

[door buzzing]

[phone ringing]

[crickets chirping]

[machine beeping]

If I had known you'd stay in the bathroom the whole night,

I would've taken a different date.

[Alex chuckles]

- [machine beeps rapidly] - Shit.

Should I get a nurse?

Uh, they gave me this amazing button.

- [machine chiming] - [dispenser whirring]

I love morphine.

Should you, should you be mixing morphine with your medicine?

And what's that, what's that do to your heart?

What, what's stopping it from...

Can I see your medicine?

I, I want to see your meds.

Where...

Where's your medicine? This, this says it's for heartburn.

You lied to me.

You were going to jump off a bridge, Max.

- I didn't, I didn't jump. - But you wanted to.

What would you have done if I hadn't been there?

When I was four, they told me my life expectancy was 16.

I'm 17 now, and I don't even get to enjoy it because...

I know I'll still never be able to go to college.

I'll never have a family.

[somber piano music]

And I accepted that I wouldn't have any milestones.

But I was wrong because then I got one.

Because then I met you. [sighs]

And I'm sorry I pretended

like there wouldn't be consequences.

It was really selfish of me and I know that.

I guess I just wanted to know what it would feel like

to be something more than a burden.

You're not a burden, Alex.

I've...

I've been thinking about it a lot.

And I've thought of different scenarios.

How long I was going to wait.

How I should ask you.

Max, I'm not getting any better...

I won't do that. I couldn't do that.

...and I can't put my mom through it anymore.

Do you know what you're asking me?

I mean, do you?

Do you know what it's like to, to watch someone die?

To have that imagine burned in your head,

over and over and over and...

Do you know what that's like?

[light dramatic music]

I'm not doing that.

[Jan] How can you not give us any more information?

Was he allowed to just leave on his own?

He's a minor!

I mean... [scoffs] isn't it required to call his parents

before you release him?

Yes, yes, of course I called him.

He's not answering his phone.

[sighs] Please don't tell me to calm down.

My son is missing.

Okay, is there a supervisor I can talk to?

I need to talk to someone who can actually help me.

- [keys jingling] - Uh, I'm sorry, hang on, Max, Max?

Oh, my God.

[Max panting]

- [Max panting] - [brick thuds]

- [brick thudding] - [Max grunts]

- [Jan] Max, what are you doing? - [Paul] Max!

Max, no. Oh, my God. Stop, Max, please, stop, honey.

[Jan gasps]

- Okay. - [Jan] Oh, my God.

- Okay, okay. - [Jan gasps]

- [Paul] Okay. - [Max sobs]

- [Jan] I know. - [Max sobs]

I know.

[Jan panting]

[Max sobbing]

[cat groans]

[cat falls]

Oh my.

[dramatic music]

[jelly bean thudding]

[jelly bean thudding]

[phone buzzing]

[phone buzzing]

You can answer it.

[Jan sighs]

[doors clanging]

[phone buzzing]

[Dan] Hey.

Hey.

Still here?

Yeah, didn't feel right,

saying goodbye with all those people.

[phone buzzing]

Yeah, I get that.

- [phone beeping] - [Dan] They sent these instead of candles.

Valencia's favorite thing was to text.

[phones buzzing]

You talk to Alex yet?

She's been trying to get a hold of you.

What, are you, like, avoiding her?

Does it matter?

- Dude, don't be a dick. - "A dick." [scoffs]

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Alex is sick, man, and you're avoiding her?

I don't know what's going on with you, but that's super shitty.

You know what's super shitty?

Wearing this, every day,

and girls, girls never talk to you.

And when you find the one that actually does...

[Max scoffs]

Look, I know that this sucks,

but you being angry about it?

That's just going to cost you a chance to say goodbye.

[light dramatic music]

[machine beeping]

[Alex breathing deeply]

[Alex's struggled breathing]

[Max with echoed voice] Hey, I, I just figured, decorate the walls,

it felt so empty.

I finally stitched you like one of my French girls.

[Alex chuckles]

I'm really sorry I haven't been here so much.

I know this, this isn't about me.

I'm just.

[gentle ambient music]

I'm just finding it really hard to say goodbye.

Hey.

Don't be jealous that I'm better at dying than you.

[Max laughs]

Look.

See?

[sobbing] Who else is going to do offensive shit like that with me?

[Alex chuckles]

[Alex gasps]

[Alex groans]

[Alex groans]

I just want it to be over.

Close your eyes.

[gentle ambient music]

Okay.

Max.

I'm scared.

You don't have to.

[dramatic music]

[gentle music]

[machine beeping]

Are you not feeling anything?

I don't know.

It's not working?

Your face...

it's just...

it's you.

[Max chuckles]

- [machine blaring] - [Alex groans]

[Alex gasps]

[heart pounding]

[Max] Help, help! I need help!

[nurse with echoed voice] Alex, listen to me.

[voiced drowned out by machine beeping]

[machine beeping]

[gentle ambient music]

[Alex] Have you ever thought about if your life were

a movie, what song they would use in the montage?

This is for one of those moments

where your life derails you.

And your head and your heart can't keep up.

Everything plays out like a blur,

and all you hear...

is this.

["Turn Out The Lights" by Julien Baker]

♪ There's a hole in the drywall ♪

♪ Still not fixed ♪

♪ I just haven't gotten around to it ♪

♪ And besides I'm starting to get used ♪

♪ To the gaps ♪

♪ Say you wish you could find some way to help ♪

♪ To be so hard on myself ♪

♪ So, why is it easy for everyone else ♪

♪ I'm not always like this ♪

♪ There's always tomorrow, I guess ♪

♪ And I'd never do it but it's not a joke ♪

♪ I can't tell the difference when I'm all alone ♪

♪ Is it real or a dream which is worse ♪

♪ Can you help me ♪

♪ I just wanted to go to sleep ♪

♪ When I turn out the lights ♪

♪ There's no one left ♪

♪ Between myself ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ But when I turn out the lights ♪

♪ When I turn out the lights ♪

♪ When I turn out the lights ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ There is no one ♪

♪ Left ♪

♪ Between ♪

♪ Myself ♪

♪ And me ♪

How are you feeling today on a scale of one to ten?

Um...

I think, uh... like, a five.

That's a wonderful improvement.

Tell me, what's changed?

Uh, you, you mean, since Alex?

Well, yes, but more so with you.

[upbeat music]

[Max] Valencia's case finally settled.

The coroner said she died of a serotonin overdose,

or as the jury saw it, natural causes.

So, the judge dropped all of the charges,

even for Craig.

After the trial, the publicity

from the case made national headlines.

Most people didn't believe there could be a kid

with a lethally attractive face.

But there are others who somehow knew,

or hoped that I could help them,

the same way Alex hoped

that I could help her.

I always thought that my face only caused pain,

what I learned was, I could use it to take pain away.

I still visit Esther.

She sometimes asks where Alex is.

It's harder for her to remember the big things.

I tell her that Alex is busy suing Danielle Steel

for plagiarism, that always makes her happy.

The last thing Alex taught me was that those that see me for me

don't find my face to be the most attractive part.

Unconditional love is the immunity.

And while I'll never live a life completely

without wrappings, I can find moments

with the ones that matter.

Even my parents have gotten... closer.

They found a way to meet each other in the middle.

So, what's next?

I'm not sure.

Maybe trying to live without these.

[therapist] It's a big step.

Do you think that's something you can do?

Yeah, I can try.

[upbeat music]

- [Max] Come on. - [Dan] I'm trying, I'm trying.

[Max] Oh, God.

- [Dan] Oh, don't. - [doorbell ringing]

[Max groans] I'll get it.

- [Dan] Oh. - [Max] Pause it.

Hey, so, my parents thought it'd be a good idea

if I apologize or whatever it is, so...

- Oh, shit. - [Max] Oh.

Shit, shit!

- Oh, my God. - [Max] I'm, I'm sorry.

Damn it, Max.

[Max sighs]

[jovial music]

Subtitle By: MARSH-MARIE

[gentle ambient music]

[somber music]