Original subtitles

- Okay, so, hello, Harvard Admissions people.

This is Sam Jansen.

Um, I've called a few times and I sent some E-mails,

but I haven't heard back,

so I decided to create this video for you guys.

Um, I'd like to think that I haven't

made a lot of mistakes in my life.

But this would be a big one.

I mean, who turns down Harvard and then...

comes back a few days later?

But I'm asking you guys to let me back in.

A lot has happened this last weekend.

So, let me start from the beginning.

-This is me.

And this is my best friend... Danielle.

And that guy twerking on the mantel, that's the pizza guy.

This is what Danielle and I have done every Friday night

since we were 12.

We call it pizza-and-a-doc night.

Our favorite documentary is about sea mammals.

Our pizza of choice is known as the Samielle Special.

It's a veggie pie, half no cheese

because Danielle is lactose intolerant,

half extra-cheese because I think that cheese

is the greatest thing ever invented.

I would say it's better than sex, but in my case,

that would be an untested hypothesis.

Senior year was almost over,

and while everyone else was going to prom and being crazy,

Danielle and I were just doing our own thing.

My family owns an ice cream shop.

I know what you're thinking.

But, honestly, it's not that great.

I've been working here since I was a kid,

and after a while, even ice cream can get boring.

Our business has been really struggling

since some trend-savvy competitors arrived.

A grown man in a unicorn costume serving ice cream.

Wha... How are we supposed to compete with that?

Anyway, the stress was really getting to my dad.

- Found these sunglasses in the Dumpster.

We can do a giveaway... If you buy a pint of ice cream,

you get a pair of sunglasses free!

Cool, huh?

-I don't know.

The color is kind of intense.

-Intense is bad?

Okay, how about this?

For $1.00, you can put as much ice cream

as you can stuff into your mouth.

That's gonna work.

-I don't know, Dad.

-Anda pair of sunglasses.

- Hey, Dad, I was wondering if we could talk

about my college options?

- Yeah, but we need to do it later,

'cause I need to get over to the bank.

They're about to close.

- Every time I brought up college,

there was a banking emergency.

So I finally took the hint.

We can't afford it.

I mean, it's like...

it's like 80,000 cones a semester.

You will go to state with Danielle.

Okay. Here it goes.

I never told anyone I got into Harvard.

I mean, why rub it in?

- So, I was watching some great speeches

in our nation's history,

like Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech

and FDR's "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy,"

and Oprah's Golden Globes speech.

And I was thinking that open-air co-valedictorian speech

with some spoken-word poetry might be the answer.

What's wrong?

Would you like to start with a scientific fact?

-No. I'm fine.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

- Ricotta. Mozzarella sticks.

Mac-and-cheese balls.

- Damn, that's a lot of stuff you can't eat.

- Listen, I love dairy, it just doesn't love me back.

We're like Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

- I love the name Zelda. - Me, too.

Moms? What's going on?

- Have you checked your E-mail? - Not in the last 15 minutes.

- Okay, we did something parents are never supposed to do.

-And we normally never would.

- But we heard a pinging sound, and the browser was open.

-Did you check my E-mail?

-Not proud of it, but...

-You heard from Harvard.

-What?!

"After careful consideration of your supplemental materials,

the Admissions Committee has decided

to take you off the wait list

and offer you a place in Harvard's class of 2022!"

- They must have really loved your poem on Standing Rock.

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

- Oh, my God! - It's happening!

- It's happening. It's hap...

- I'm not gonna lie, I thought about hacking into your website

and crashing the Admissions page.

But I still didn't tell Danielle I'd gotten in.

I mean, it's not like I could suddenly afford it

now that Danielle was going.

-Hey, we're heading out, okay?

You guys have everything you need?

-Yeah, we're all set.

-We're so proud of you.

- So proud! - So proud of you!

-Oh, my God!

- Mwah! Rashida Jones went there.

- Barack Obama went there. - Yeah, okay, okay, thank you.

Good night! - Good night, good night.

Good night, female leaders of tomorrow.

Jeremy is so beautiful.

Even his Instagram is perfectly curated.

- I can't believe he's with Ashanti.

- Yeah, well, she's an influencer, he's an artist.

They're a power couple. - Oh, she just posted a video.

- You want to go from lash to tip

while chanting the mantra "satnam."

I'm using MAC's Extended Play Gigablack Lash Mascara.

Satnam.

Satnam. Satnam.

- The yoga makeup-advertisement tutorials

are just a platform for my social-justice activism.

We have to find new ways to highlight

the importance of intersectionality.

-I'll never be that cool.

- I heard she raised 10K for Puerto Rico

with a single tweet.

-How does she do it?

She's pretty, she's nice to everyone,

she gets good grades, she's flexible.

-She's really bad at softball.

- All right, you guys. Last day of school.

All right, iPhones away! Come on.

Let's pull out our periodic tables,

get your beakers fired up.

Today we're gonna be talking about liquid nitrogen.

First discovered by a Scottish physician

named Daniel Rutherford in 1772, liquid nitrogen is

a love potion.

That's right, girl.

Sam?

Sam?

Sam!

- Yeah? - Hey.

Uh, will you bring these teacher evaluations to the office?

- Yeah. - Great.

- Hey, I think the yearbooks came out today.

- Hey, Danielle. - I'm good.

Shit.

Oh, look. It's Jeremy's thesis project.

He's a genius.

- I'm surprised no one's stolen that iPhone yet.

-Yo. Fuckin' watch it, backpack.

-Ooh, vaga-dictorians.

That's fuckin' funny.

-Ugh. I hate those guys!

-Let's go get our yearbooks.

-Okay.

Okay, go to page 65 first.

-Okay.

You got us a dedication page.

Aww, "Samielle." I love it.

Ooh, the awards section.

Jeremy got Biggest Art Star.

What the?

"Biggest Good Girls"?!

What kind of bullshit category is that?

- "Sam Jansen and Danielle Compton

are undoubtedly Woodbright High's

most accomplished co-valedictorians.

Sam won state science fair four years in a row,

and Danielle had her first volume of poetry

published at age 14.

These two are good girls to watch out for."

- Good girls. It's condescending. - It's just a moniker.

Would you prefer "affable young women"?

-It's so neutered.

Is that really what people think about us?

- No, it's a stupid yearbook award.

I think you're overreacting. - Am I?

Let's take a brief inventory of our lives.

- Okay. - We don't have cars.

- We're environmentalists. - We've never been to a party.

- What about that time we went to your moms' ACLU benefit?

- Sam, we've literally never done anything bad.

- Do you remember when we skipped school

to go see Al Gore's lecture on climate change?

That was bad.

Okay, I had a test that day.

Just to reassure you,

I took that test the next day, and I aced it.

Anyway, this... this whole yearbook thing

really sent Danielle over the edge.

- I want to take a gap year. - What about Harvard?

- I want to go to Europe, where art was born.

- Actually, I think art was born in India.

-But I'm not a good girl!

- Period. - Duh.

- But the manatee has become endangered

due to two major threats... Loss of habitat and collisions

with boats and ships.

- Hey, Sam. - Hey, Mr. D.

-How's it going?

- It's going good. Um, yeah.

How are you? - Doing great.

Just getting ready for a crazy night,

so I will take a scoop

of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, please.

- Okay, I will get that. I will get that for you.

I really love mint chip, too.

It's very minty. - Mm.

- And really... Really fresh breath

in my mouth.

You must try... your mouth.

And there you go.

- Great. All right. And how much do I owe ya?

- Uh, consider it an end-of-the-semester gift.

-Ah, well, thank you.

Hey, what, uh, school did you decide on?

-I'm going to state.

Uh, private schools are crazy expensive,

and state gave me a scholarship, so...

- Well, state is an awesome choice.

I'm gonna miss you, Sam.

- Thank you.

I love him.

-What's up?

- Hey, do you want to go get piercings?

-Uh, no can do.

I'm going to the big end-of-the-year party later.

Shit's gonna be fucking lit.

I heard at the same party last year, someone fucked a dog.

- What? How'd they get it to stay still?

-I don't know all the details.

- Uh, where's the party? - At Dave Silverstein's house.

- Is he related to Shel Silverstein?

-Who?

- You know, "Where the Sidewalk Ends."

-The sidewalk ends somewhere?

- Just forget it. Who's gonna be there?

-Everyone's going.

Jeremy's gonna be debuting a new art project.

At least, he's supposed to.

I'm not sure how he's doing after the break-up and shit.

-Break-up?

- Yes, bitch, what have you not heard?

Ashanti broke up with him.

I'm taking your silence as excited.

I know, it's fucking amazing!

-Ugh, unicorns.

-Hey, Dad, check it out!

I got a perfect score on my A.P. comp final.

-Good job, honey.

-Okay.

I'm just gonna do some laundry.

Dad?

-What do you think?

- It's not my favorite look of yours.

Is that your stage manager shirt?

If one of those safety pins decided to open,

she could have been poked... Badly.

Can I show you something?

-Yeah.

- These are the boobs that I want.

-I don't get it.

Our entire culture is based

on people's obsession with big boobs.

- I'd rather be able to jog comfortably.

Okay, we should work on our co-valedictorian speech.

Do you want to start with a quote?

- No, no, everybody starts with quotes.

Actually, I heard about this party tonight.

Maybe we could pop in. - We never pop in.

- Yeah, but it's what normal high-school kids do.

-I need to show you something.

-Is that what I think it is?

-I think so.

- This is illegal. - In most states, yes.

- Where? How? - I have my ways.

-Should we smoke it?

-What if it's not even pot?

It smells like pot.

- How do you know what pot smells like?

- From that time my moms took me to the Lilith Fair.

-You have to bear in mind

that Danielle is extremely persuasive.

She's the captain of the debate team.

The captain!

- Come on, Sam, I haven't even lit it yet.

-Frankincense is very strong.

Okay. Um, this article says

there are over 700 strains of the marijuana plant.

They're broken up into three distinct groups,

indica, sativa, and hybrid.

Each has a different effect.

How will we know which kind we have?

- There's only one way to find out.

Let's give our joint a name.

-Let's call it Justin Bieber.

-Why?

-I don't know.

- I don't think I'm feeling anything.

Are you experiencing heavy eyelids,

an increased appetite,

or hyper-awareness to sensory experiences?

-I feel like we're in 3-D.

-Aren't we always in 3-D?

-Yeah, but... more.

-There are also a lot of super-negative side effects listed.

- Like what? - Coughing, asthma.

Oh, my God.

I for... I forgot to bring my inhaler.

-Sam, we're in yourroom.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

Close call.

Oh, my God.

I just got a text from Mr. D.

Damn it. I forgot to turn in the teacher evaluations.

I got so sidetracked by the whole yearbook thing.

- You should text him back. - Okay.

I forgot how to use my phone. - I'll do it.

- Wait, I remembered how to use it!

- I'm composing a text. I...

Oh, no.

-What?

- It's not that bad. - Show me.

Oh, this was bad.

You've texted Mr. D my dream boobs?!

- Why were they saved to your cut and paste?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, okay. Okay.

Okay, here... here's what we're gonna do.

Okay, we're gonna... we're gonna go to Mr. D's house,

and... and we're gonna break in.

And we're gonna hack into his phone and delete it.

- What are talking about? It's a text, it's instantaneous.

He's seen it already.

- Oh, my God, he's writing back. What do I do?

- Let's just wait patiently. We'll see what he says.

Maybe he's driving.

Oh, my God. He's calling.

He's calling. What do I do?

- Pick it up. - I can't pick it up.

I'll say something stupid! I... I can't pick it up.

-Then put it down.

Look at the bright side...

We're doing what normal high-school kids do,

we're sexting.

This is... This is so good.

- Normal high schoolers don't sext their teachers.

And you're supposed to sext with your own parts,

not other people's parts.

- Yeah, I don't want to freak you out,

but we did have a case like this come up in mock trial.

- And? - Well, because you're underage,

this text is considered child pornography.

-Child pornography?

They're not even my boobs. - I know.

- Oh, my God. I'm... I'm a sex offender.

I'm... I'm gonna have to go door to door

informing all of my neighbors.

- We can fix this. We just...

We have to get rid of your phone.

And then we can plead the Fifth.

We'll say someone stole it, they sent the boobs,

we don't know whose boobs those are.

Those boobs could be anybody's.

- They literally could be anybody's.

Can I at least back it up first?

-Aim for the pavement.

Are you hungry?

- We're under the influence of a controlled substance.

Don't you think we should stay in a controlled environment?

-A few blocks is fine.

I still don't think that I'm feeling anything.

- Do you see that? - What?

- Don't those clouds look like boobs?

- No. Ooh, let's play a game!

If you could choose one species of tree

to best define yourself, what would you choose?

Jeremy would definitely be a poplar tree.

-Hey, girl. I got your text.

And now I'm in heaven.

And I'm always gonna love you, Sam.

You're more than just a girl.

You're a fellow scientist.

-Ooh, look at that cute dog.

Wasn't that credit card only supposed to be used

for emergencies?

- This was an emergency. Zelda needed a home.

- Sam? - Yeah.

-I think I'm high now.

This is so unexpected.

- You realize none of what you just ate

is dairy-free, right?

That's, like, all dairy.

-Oh, hi.

- We were just... - We were just closing up.

- Oh. Can I just please get

a pint of cookie-dough ice cream really quick?

I'm pregnant.

-Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yes. Okay.

I just have to disinfect the scooper.

-Just dairy procedure.

- What do we do? I can't have a dog in here.

It's a health-code violation.

- Relax. We'll just give her a pint.

-She'll know I'm high.

- How? - By the way I scoop.

I'm scooping all funny.

I mean, what if she writes a bad Yelp review?

I can't afford any bad press.

- I'll distract her while you scoop.

- What about our eyes? Our eyes are all red.

-Nice shades.

You know what's weird?

This is a geriatric pregnancy.

'Cause I'm 35.

Geriatric. That sounds, like, so old.

I mean, I still feel very young. People card me all the time.

So, yeah. Okay, thanks.

Okay.

- Woof! - Oh!

- Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof!

- Okay.

- We have to go to this party.

- What?! It's on the other side of town.

- We could Uber. - I'm politically opposed.

-I gave you a 20.

You know, actually, I'm driving across town.

I could take you guys.

- Oh, no, we're good. - Sure, we'll take a ride!

-What about Zelda?

- Oh, she's got food, she's got water. She's fine.

We'll get her afterwards.

I call shotgun!

-I do not feel good about this.

- So, are you guys in high school?

- We graduate on Monday. - We're co-valedictorians.

- Wow! I got VIPs in my car. Cool.

- 9-4. Bringing in one warrant on a license,

1-Mary-William-Sam 3-2-0-M-A.

-This is an interesting car.

- We were in that car for, like, a good 15 minutes

before we figured it out.

A pregnant cop.

I mean, what are the odds?

-And now I just sit in an office

and scroll through Instagram and social media

and try to find pictures of people doing drugs.

- My heart is beating out of my chest.

Everyone can hear my heart.

- I have no heartbeat.

- Oh, you stupid heart! Shut up! Shut up!

- ...doing cocaine off the back of a turtle shell.

Isn't that insane?

-I don't have a heart.

I'm also not breathing.

Wrong wrist. Fuck!

-Shut up, shut up, shut up.

-I'm dead. When did I get dead?

-...smoking weed.

They definitely act a certain way.

-Sam, can you hear me?

- I can hear you? - Holy shit!

- I once got a Slurpee in the face.

-This is good. Thank you!

-Oh, really? Okay.

My name's Patty, by the way.

Okay.

-Uh, yeah, I miss you, too, Mom.

Yeah, no, the house feels really empty with you here.

-Do you think Jeremy's here?

-I don't know.

Alex R., Alex M., what that fuck's up, dudes?

You guys want to play some fucking beer pong?

Fuck no. - Loser.

Hey. Pong, bro?

Hey, you want to play? Team Money, yeah?

Fuck.

Oh, shit. This party's fuckin' lit!

We even got the nerd herd up in this bitch, dude!

- This is the opposite of a controlled environment.

High-school parties suck.

There aren't even any magicians.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, hey!

Hi.

Um...

Do you guys need to go?

Or should I just flush?

- No, we're good. - Oh.

Oof.

Do my eyebrows look like caterpillars?

-No. They look like eyebrows.

- I've never seen you guys before.

Are you foreign exchange students?

Are you Russian? You look Russian.

You especially look Russian.

- Is that a good thing? - No.

I'm gonna call you Tatiana, and you... Olga.

- I did discover later that I do have some Russian ancestry,

so... her observation was not completely without merit.

-So, the EDM kids are in there.

That's where you'll find Molly!

- Who's Molly? - Molly from Astronomy?

- I'm building houses for Habitat for Humanity.

You can't... - I love your earrings!

- Oh, my God! Thank you! I made them myself.

- They're feathers. - Oh, a pigeon gave them to me.

-Pigeons like her.

- Hey, nerds! - What the hell?

- You want to come play with us?

Come play us, bro.

- No, thanks. - Yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna play you.

-Oh, fuck yeah, dude! Chicks.

- No. - S'up?!

-Have a good night.

- Let's go. Under one condition.

After we beat you guys, you leave us alone.

- Fuckin' tight. Uh, you in, bro?

- Sssh, I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

-Hell yeah.

Bitch's ball.

- Oh.

- Yo! - Oh!

- You need to work on your aim, dude.

That was fuckin' terrible as fuck.

- Money. - Yeah, dude.

Let me show you how it's done. Here we go.

- Ohhh! - Ohhh!

- Time to drink! - Drink up, dude.

Oh, yeah.

-Time-out.

- No, there aren't any fuckin' time-outs in beer pong.

- Danielle? I do not feel comfortable

mixing two different controlled substances.

-We can't forfeit.

- Why? It's a stupid drinking game.

-No, this game is a metaphor

for the entire high-school experience

that we've been missing out on.

-Okay.

This is a simple game of distraction and aerodynamics.

So, if you can sufficiently distract them,

I think I can address our lack of accuracy.

- I was hoping you would say that.

- Hey. Um, I really want to help you guys,

but I'm fucking wasted.

-How much did you drink?

- I got a vodka tampon up my butt.

-That can't be good.

-What the fuck are they doing?

-95 and a quarter.

- Hey, hello. Are we gonna play or what?

-Hi!

-We're ready.

I used the Kutta-Joukowski Theorem of Aerodynamics

to create a formula,

and Danielle's passion for Shakespeare's sonnets

finally paid off.

Now.

- Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

-What is she doing?

- Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines.

- Forget this bitch, dude. Fuckin' sink it, bro.

- But long as men can breathe and eyes can see,

so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

- Oh, my God! It was a fuckin' easy shot, dawg.

-It's our ball.

- Sometime this Goddamn century, homey!

Dude, come on!

-Yes, bitch.

-No, I don't want anymore.

- Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!

- Last one. - Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!

Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!

Samielle! Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!

- No! What?! Are you serious!

What the hell, bro?

Morgan, get off! Quit! Get off of me!

- You are so amazing! My best friend.

- Hi. - Can you teach me

how to shoot like that? - Yeah!

-Sonnet Number 18, right?

- It's my favorite of Shakespeare's sonnets.

- Mine, too. - Are you serious, bro?!

-Wow. It's really loud in here.

You want to go someplace where we can talk?

-Yeah.

- You play a lot of beer pong, then?

- No, I literally... I have never heard of beer pong...

Until tonight.

- That was awesome. - Yeah!

-This is...

this is really spacious.

It's pretty sick, right?

-Yeah. Yeah.

I...

I-I love what you did with the exterior.

-Oh, yeah. I mean...

...it's... it's all a part of my brand.

You know, it's like...

I don't want there to be any separation

between me and my work.

I want to drive my art. I want to live my art.

-Wow.

- You know, I just finished a new piece.

I was, uh... I was actually gonna debut it tonight,

but I got cold feet.

Would you like to see it?

-I'd be honored.

-Are you working tonight?

- Oh, this is not just for fashion.

I am on the clock.

Teachers keep calling, by the way.

It's so weird. - Really?

- Yeah, delivering to teachers is fucking amazing.

You literally learn shit about them

you didn't even need to know.

Like, every time I see Ms. Murphy,

she's always with a different dude.

I just want to be like, "What's up, Ms. Murphy?

Like, art thou a ho?"

Yeah.

So, what about Mr. D?

- Mr. D is definitely not a ho, sadly.

But he's pretty cool. It's weird, though.

I was at his house tonight, and there was all these cops there.

- Really? - Yeah, it was so strange.

They kept, like, asking me hella questions and shit.

But more importantly, kudos to your dad

for fucking up that unicorn bitch.

-What?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Yo, someone, like, broke into your shop.

I don't know if it was the unicorn dude,

but your dad definitely thinks it is.

All the freezers were open, the ice cream all melted.

He kept talking about some dog, too.

Hey. I'm so sorry. Hi. Hi, have you seen Danielle?

Have you... have you... have you seen Danielle Compton?

Hi. Have you seen my friend? Excuse me.

Excuse me, have you seen Danielle Compton?

-I call it..."Unsolicited."

- It's, uh... It's a lot of penises.

-They're all mine.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Jeremy was just showing me his penises.

- Hi. Okay, we need to go.

All right, it's an emergency. Get out of the car.

- What? Why? - My dad,

the police... every... Zelda.

Like, everything's kind of blowing up right now.

- What are you talking about? - It's the Bieber.

It's... It's really fucking me up.

- Sam, can we talk about this later?

I'm a little bit busy right now.

- D, I really need your help right now,

because I'm feeling really fucked up.

So if you could just please...

-Okay. Do you have Bieber?

- Yeah. - Hand it over.

Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go over there,

and you're gonna do some jumping jacks.

You'll feel better in no time. I'll come find you later.

All right? - What are you doing?

- No more Bieber for you. - No! No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no! - Relax!

-Do not close the window.

It wasn't just that she rolled up the window.

Oh, no, this...

this was far greater than that.

Okay, this... this is about the universal law

of cause and effect.

She was the one who wanted to smoke the Bieber.

-Should we smoke it?

- She was the one who wanted to leave a controlled environment.

-Are you hungry?

- She was one who wanted to go to the party.

-We have to go to this party.

- If I had never smoked the Bieber...

...I wouldn't have gone to the party.

And if I didn't go to the party,

I would not have done what I did next.

Please keep in mind that I was extremely high for most of it.

What are you guys building?

- We're trying to break the record for world's tallest bong.

It's tall enough, but it keeps falling over.

-I think I can help you.

- I've always liked you, Danielle.

You have such an unironic way of being.

It's really refreshing.

-Okay.

- I've been wanting to do something for a while now.

-Yes.

The ice cream.

-Okay, so, remember when I said

that Danielle was lactose intolerant?

This means that she doesn't have the lactase enzymes

which are needed to digest lactose.

Ice cream has a lot of lactose.

Without the lactase enzymes,

that lactose is turned into CO2, H2, and CH4

in Danielle's body.

That was the scientific explanation

for what happened to Danielle next.

-Sorry, but I can't help

but bring everything back to science.

Future chem major.

-What was that?

- Hey, does your car have Bluetooth?

Do... Do you want to hear some music?

-Oh, yeah.

- Everybody get this? This is amazing.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

it is my great honor and privilege to present to you...

the Leaning Bong of Woodbright!

-The fuck's going on out here?

Oh, my God.

-A fucking mega-bong? Geez.

I'm heading out on a run.

- What opera is this? - "La Boheme."

- I love Bizet.

Did Bizet write this?

Bizet wrote "Carmen."

Puccini wrote this.

Oh, fuck no! Please not now.

I really love this part.

It's beautiful.

-I'm too high to come down.

- This is legendary. This is historic.

- And the seats... they go all the way back flat, like a bed.

-Really?

- You just have to pull that lever on the side.

-Oh. Which one?

-Sam? Sam?

Hey, Sam? Sam? Hey, are you okay?

- Mr. D. What are you doing here?

- Well, I was trying to call your phone,

but you weren't picking up. I thought you might be here.

- I'm really sorry about that text.

The whole thing was just a big accident.

-Yeah. That was not cool.

But I wanted to let you know I deleted it,

so we can just pretend it didn't happen.

-Oh, thank God.

Mr. D, I gotta tell you something.

I love you.

Like, I am... I'm crazy in love with you.

- I know. - You do?

- I see the way that you look at me in class.

-I am so embarrassed.

- Don't be. It's... It's fine.

And to be honest, I'm flattered. - Really?

- Sam, you're beautiful and you're brilliant.

And, I mean, if I wasn't your teacher,

I... would be totally into you.

- You would? - Yeah.

-In fact...

now that you're not my student anymore...

I can do this.

- That was a fuck-ton of weed, dude.

- Okay, Danielle, whatever you do, don't fart.

-I have a condom.

I'm putting the condom on.

Condom is on.

- It's happening. It's really happening.

Just, whatever you do, don't fart.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Don't fart, don't fart!

-Don't cum, don't cum.

- Don't fart. - Don't cum.

- Don't fart! - Don't cum!

- Don't fart, don't fart. - Don't cum, don't cum.

Oh!

Um...

That was, uh...

That was really weird.

Yeah, maybe, um...

maybe we should just pretend like this didn't happen.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna go.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- You've reached Sam's voicemail...

-Okay, whose house is this?

Hello?! Who lives here?

Okay, do I sound like a fucking "Peanuts" teacher to you?

Whose house is this? Can you hear me?

-It's mine.

- Okay, I need you to show me where this is.

- Oh, come on. You're not actually a cop.

-I'm a cop. I have a badge.

- Oh, my God! Are you a stripper? That would be so awesome!

- I don't think you want to see me strip.

- Actually, you're right. - Yeah, okay.

-Oh. Oh, you're... oh, you're... you're act... you're actually a cop.

- Yes, I'm actually a cop. - Oh, okay.

The bong's out back.

-Got it. Okay.

- Guys, there's a cop here. There's a cop!

-Cops! Go, go, go.

Hey, Tatiana, we gotta go.

-Mr. D?

- No. There's... There's a cop here. We gotta go now.

- What about my baby? I...

- No, leave it, come on! We gotta go.

-Hey.

You're my friend from the ice cream shop.

Okay. Why don't you put that illegal thing down.

And that way, I don't have to arrest you, okay?

We can both just walk away.

Does that sound good?

Shit! Ow!

Do not make me chase you! I'm pregnant!

- This is gonna be in the Guinness Book of World Records!

You're fast.

-Oh, no.

- Where's your math now? - Idiot.

Oh, dude.

-Hey! Damn!

Hey, you do the crime, you do the crime.

- Do the crime. Fuck yeah, bro.

Why?

- Reported stolen vehicle... Yellow Hummer

with the word "Capitalism"

spray-painted on the passenger side.

- Why would anyone steal that car?

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

- What is wrong with this person?

Pull over.

-Sam?

Why are you wearing a helmet?

-Morgan?

- Guys, hey!

-What are you doing here?

- They don't tell you this online,

but the vodka tampon has, like, a real suppository effect.

So this guy caught me shitting on his front lawn.

I was like, "What do you think fertilizer is?"

Anyway, now I'm here.

- Can I have a word with you guys for a sec?

Not you.

You know, I was expecting

to have a quiet night in the office.

I was gonna do some light DMing, maybe watch "Game of Thrones,"

have a little ice cream.

I wasn't planning to run around town fully pregnant

trying to arrest the co-valedictorians.

Can you just tell me what happened,

and start from the beginning, please?

-My experience in mock trial

has taught me not to talk to a police officer

until first engaging with an attorney.

- Okay, your friend sucks. - She's not my friend anymore.

-Being pregnant is really crazy.

'Cause everything I see here

makes me think of what's going on in here.

If you guys are the best-case scenario,

then we're really all screwed.

I need more pickles. I'm so depressed.

- I don't know why I always listen to you.

-Because I'm smarter.

- You are not smarter than me, Danielle.

-If I'm not smarter than you,

then how come I'm the one that got into Harvard?

-I got into Harvard.

-What?

- I got in, but I didn't want to tell you

because you got wait-listed,

and I didn't want you to feel bad.

- Well, if you got into Harvard, then why are you going to state?

- Do you even know how much Harvard costs?

-No.

- Right. Of course you don't.

You don't even need to think about that.

Your moms have probably been putting money

into a college fund since you were 10.

- Actually, they started before I was conceived.

- Well, not everyone is as lucky as you, Danielle.

Everything is just so fucking easy for you.

-Are you kidding me?

Do you know what kind of pressure I'm under?

My parents have invested

everything that they have into me.

- Danielle, your parents are here.

- Danielle was charged with motor vehicle theft,

and I was charged with possession

of a controlled substance and resisting arrest.

Both charges meant that we wouldn't get to graduate.

My dad took another hour and 10 minutes to get there.

But I now know that he smokes pot, so...

- Ugh. Oh. I am pickled out.

-Yeah, you just ate seven.

- It wasn't seven. - I counted.

-Okay, that's gross.

You know, you're obviously a good kid.

What... What happened tonight?

- Danielle and I got called "good girls" in the yearbook.

-Oh.

- I think we just sort of freaked out.

- You know what I got called in my high-school yearbook?

Most Muppet-like.

I mean, do I look like a Muppet to you?

Do I? - Definitely not.

-No, I still can't wear fleece.

It really fucked me up for a long time.

And then I realized, those yearbook people,

they were all the ones who were too dumb

to write for the newspaper.

It shouldn't affect your whole life, okay?

You're like a young, dumb me.

With worse hair.

- She... Do you understa... She is under investigation.

- I know. - That means no graduation.

That means no Harvard!

Do you... Well, how... Where did we go wrong?

Where did we...

-It's gonna be okay, baby, okay?

I'm sure there's a logical explanation, sweetheart.

-I gotta go lay down.

-Man. What a terrible day.

-I have to tell you something.

Dad, I was the one who left the freezers open.

Danielle and I smoked your pot.

And we went to the shop, and we made a big mess.

I also may have purchased a small dog.

-I don't know what to say, Sam.

I'm... I'm so disappointed in you.

-You're disappointed in me?

-Yeah.

-Dad, I do everything right.

I... I get straight A's, I clean up after you, I work.

I got a scholarship to college,

but it's like you don't even notice.

I-I mean, I feel like I'm your employee.

- Okay, hold on. Let's not go crazy here.

Of course I notice you.

- I've been trying to talk to you about college options for weeks,

and you keep blowing me off.

- All right, well, let's talk about it now.

-Well, it's too late now.

Why is it that you only notice me

now that I did something wrong?

I mean, why didn't you notice me

when I was doing everything right?

- Sam... - I need to take a walk.

Hi.

-Your mom's pretty upset.

She just needs time to process things.

You, um...

You feel like telling me what happened a little bit, hmm?

Why did you steal that boy's car?

Is it 'cause it was a gas-guzzler?

-Can I ask you something?

- Yeah. - You can't tell anyone.

-No. Okay, I won't.

- Have you ever farted during sex?

-You mean like a queef?

Oh. It's pretty common, honey.

You see, Danielle, the... the vagina...

- ...the canal can get air trapped in it,

and then... pbht.

You just... You can't...

It's... Oh.

Oh, honey. It's okay. It's just air.

-Can I help you?

-Are you Mr. D's wife?

-Yeah.

- I am the girl who sexted your husband.

I've always wondered about

what Mr. D would look like in his pajamas.

But I... was hoping

that the circumstances would be different.

I came to apologize for sending you that text.

I can assure you that it was an accident.

I realize that doesn't mitigate the emotional turmoil

that this may have caused you or your wife,

but I want you to know that... that I am prepared

to suffer the consequences.

We can go back to the police station,

and I can explain everything.

And I'll tell them that it was all my fault

and that you had absolutely nothing to do with it.

- Why would we go to the police station?

- I thought you already reported the incident.

-What?

- There were police officers here.

Pizza Ken told me.

- Oh, Pizza Ken. Okay.

Um, I host a monthly trivia night.

I have friends on the force, and they came over.

Sam, I assume the text that you sent was some kind of prank.

-I am so embarrassed.

I mean, I just had the worst night of my life.

-You want to talk about it?

- Danielle and I smoked some pot, and...

and things got out of hand, and we both got arrested.

I won't get to graduate, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

And everything I've been working so hard for, it's just gone.

-That's not so bad.

-How?

- Well, I mean, you're still alive.

You're the best student I've ever had, Sam.

- Really? - Yeah.

You're gonna go on to do amazing things with your life.

I mean, one bad night

isn't going to erase all of your promise.

Life is cumulative.

- Thanks, Mr. D.

- There is one thing you could do.

-Anything. Name it.

- Okay, please just hand in those teacher evaluations.

- I will. - Thank you.

- For the record, those weren't even my boobs.

- You know, we don't have to talk about that.

-Fuck.

I forgot thathappened.

Can we please talk?

Things with Jeremy got really intense last night.

I think we kind of had sex.

I mean, we definitely did, but it was weird,

and I could... I could really use a friend right now.

- I really needed a friend last night.

-Sam...

-All of the ice cream melted

'cause we left the freezers open.

And now my dad's shutting down the shop.

-What?!

No, you guys can't let those unicorn fuckers win.

Your ice cream is way better.

- I don't ever want to talk to you again.

-Sam!

-For the record,

I was really happy with who we were before.

I shouldn't care so much about what other people think.

- Congratulations!

-On what?

What's... going on?

-You got into Harvard.

-Dad, I know.

They E-mailed me a couple months ago.

-Well, why didn't you tell me?

-I tried.

It's just too expensive.

I know we're struggling right now.

And I don't want to add to that...

- How do you know we're struggling?

-I work at the shop.

And also we had mac-and-cheese 13 times last month.

- I thought you like mac-and-cheese.

-I did.

-Okay, honey...

Listen, we're selling the ice cream shop.

With that money, we'll have more than enough

to send you to Harvard.

-Dad, I... I, um...

I declined admission.

-Sam, you've gotta call them

and tell them you made a mistake, okay?

-It's... It's too late, Dad.

Look, sweetie, when your mom died,

she made me promise one thing...

That I wouldn't mess you up.

Have I messed you up?

-I don't think so.

- It's not easy having a kid that's smarter than you are.

I have to face that humiliation every day.

But in exchange, I get to tell people

that I have a smart kid... Harvard smart.

My parents, they gave me an ice cream shop.

But you could do great things. You could cure cancer.

You could make a-a-a pea protein

that finally tastes as good as meat does.

Sam, I want you to be your best self.

Now, have you talked about this with Danielle?

-No. We're not friends anymore.

- What are you talking about? What happened?

- She said that she was smarter than me.

- Was she high when she said that?

All right, I get that.

One time, I got so high,

I thought I knew how to sail a boat.

I was stuck on the lake for three days.

I had to drink my own urine.

-So, I... I guess I've learned

all sorts of things this weekend.

I'm too high to come down!

-This bong is huge.

Like, this is some world record shit right now.

Did you see that it got a Wiki page?

- Oh, my God, I can't believe she did that.

- Dude, me, neither. It already has 500 hits.

Is that considered viral?

- I lost my best friend. - You know that's not true.

- She says that she thinks I care too much

about what people think,

and I'm worried that she's right.

- Well, your answer's right there... don't care.

You're dead-ass one of the baddest bitches that I know.

Fuck good girls, fuck what other people think.

Just be yourself.

- Thanks, Pizza Ken. - You're welcome.

I'm full of wisdom...

and garlic knots that I stole.

Eat one.

- I don't like to make qualitative judgments,

but this was the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

I mean, if she wanted to reference

our pizza-and-a-doc night...

- ...then she should have brought me pizza.

Or a documentary.

I'm sorry I abandoned you last night.

I don't care what anybody thinks about me anymore.

I just want my best friend back.

And I'm prepared to dress like this every single day

until you accept my undying devotion to our friendship.

- You're seriously willing to wear that shirt everyday?

-Yes.

-Even if it starts smelling?

-Yes.

- Underwear, too? - Yes.

And I'm sorry that I said that I was smarter than you.

I'm definitely not. You're way smarter than me.

- No, I mean, you're more right-brained,

and I'm more left-brained.

So, together, we just make one giant brain.

- I love you, Sam. - I love you, too.

-Oh!

- Also, I think I figured out a way to save the shop.

But I'm gonna need your help.

- Hi, Mr. D. - Hey, Sam.

- I just turned in the teacher evaluations.

- Thank you. - Um...

Since it's the end of the year and all,

I was wondering if I could have something.

Okay. On three.

One... two... three.

Needs a clever name.

-What about dragon balls?

Or smokey balls. Steamy balls.

- Let's just steer clear of the word "balls."

-What about ghost candy?

-Ghost candy.

I like it.

No one's coming.

-They don't know what we have.

People need to see it.

I have an idea.

-What is that?

- Ghost candy. They sell it in there.

-Cool. Let's go.

Hi. I'll have whatever he's having.

-That will be $5, please.

- Hey, guys, I'm at Jansen's Ice Cream Shop,

and I'm about to try ghost candy for the first time.

- How'd you guys come up with this?

-Hey.

-Hey.

What are you doing here?

- I just came here to apologize...

for the way I acted the other night.

I'm sorry that I was a jerk

and that I, um, bailed right after we...

you know.

-I'm sorry I stole your car.

- Oh, yeah, about that... Um, I spoke to the police today.

I told them I gave you my keys, and they're dropping the case.

Really?

I'm gonna get to graduate?

Yeah.

- Artforummagazine saw my photo of the crime scene on Instagram,

and they're going to publish it in their next issue.

-Wow. That's amazing.

- It's actually a really big break for me.

I should be thanking you for stealing my car.

- You're welcome.

-Are we cool?

-Yeah, we're cool.

-All right.

Okay.

Um, hey...

Would you...

maybe want to go on a date some time?

-Maybe we could just be friends.

-Oh, yeah, um...

No. That's cool.

- So, this meant that Danielle was graduating

and I was still a juvenile delinquent.

That was great for her.

-Where is she?

- Welcome, parents, faculty, and graduates.

- I'm not going if you can't graduate.

Is that your graduation robe?

-I made it a nest for Zelda.

I call it the nest of broken dreams.

- I saw that ghost candy on Instagram.

I have to make sure it's not drugs.

- It's not. It's liquid nitrogen.

It's food grade. - It's totally edible.

- Okay, I'll take your word for it.

Why aren't you at graduation?

- I think it will be too painful to just watch.

- And I am not going if Sam can't graduate.

- That's funny, 'cause I talked to a guy named Mr. D

and the principal of your school,

and they both seem to think you're graduating today.

- What? - The charges have been dropped.

All of the paperwork was covered in pickle juice.

Yeah, hurry up. You're gonna be late.

- This is the best day of my life.

Is that sad?

- You know, my students, uh, come up to me

all the time, and they ask me,

"How often will I really need chemistry?"

And I tell them, "Periodically."

Ah, now please welcome

Woodbright High's co-valedictorians...

Danielle Compton and Sam Jansen!

-Wait. We don't have a speech.

-We're gonna have to wing it.

-Oh, shit.

Those of you that know me know that I love Shakespeare.

He once wrote, "To thine own self be true."

Well, this weekend, I forgot to take his advice.

I was convinced that I had to be different.

High school has a funny way of putting people into boxes...

This person's good at math,

that person is good at football.

That person really knows how to put on eyeliner

while doing kundalini yoga.

But we're all so much more than that.

High school isn't about how other people see us.

It's about figuring out who we are

and staying true to that.

And I learned that not from Shakespeare...

but from my best friend, Sam.

It's all you.

-This past weekend,

Danielle and I got high for the first time in our lives.

A lot of really messed up things happened after that.

Danielle lost her virginity inside of a Hummer.

It's true. I did that.

- And I helped build the world's tallest bong,

which unfortunately was damaged before being documented

by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then we got arrested, and our lives were pretty much ruined.

But... I think I learned more this weekend

than I did in all four years of high school.

The most important thing I learned

is that life is cumulative.

Each day provides a chance for us to be our best selves.

So... let's strive to be our best selves

as we head into the future.

Congratulations, Class of 2018.

-Those are my girls!

- Super boring. - That was fuckin' lame.

-Whoo!

-So, that's my story.

As you can see, I've really grown a lot this past weekend.

And if life truly is cumulative,

I hope you'll reconsider my admission for next year.

The ghost candy is selling like crazy,

and I can totally afford to come now.

Also, I have my room assignment all figured out.

-Hi. Are you done?

-Yeah, I think so.

- I forgot. I got you something.

-What?

This is even newer than the one I had.

Where did you get this?

-From a patron of the arts.

- I'm surprised no one's stolen that iPhone yet.

Oh. Whoops.

- Okay, we have decorative options.

Which do you prefer... Solar system... or artful map?

-What do you think, Zelda?

Artful map.

- I was hoping you would say that.

-What's up, puppers?

Oh, my God! Patty had her baby.

She's so cute.

- Aww! - Aww!

- Hey, guys.

There's a huge beginning-of-the-year party

happening tonight. Everybody's going.

Do you want to pop in?

-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.

Just kidding. I'm Danny. I'm an actor.

-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.

Just kidding. I'm Danny. I'm an actor.

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org