Original subtitles

(heavy breathing)

Donald: Yeah. Keep rubbing it.

Margaret: Should we be doing this right now?

Donald: Yes! Everyone does it before the competition.

(breathing heavily)

Oh, God. I don't remember it smelling so bad.

Don't get it on your fingers. It won't come off.

Oh... This is hard work.

Well, it's duck carving.

(exhaling sharply)

MC Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for a fantastic day

at the Northern Alberta Carving Cup.

The judges have their work cut out for them,

but they have been diligently reviewing all submissions,

and now it's that special, special time.

Without further ado, your finalists.

The falcated duck by Amandeep Singh.

Oh my God.

The mallard female by Mary Jane Olinyuk.

The gadwall drake by Frank Brunswick.

(snorting)

- Dennis: The wood duck... - Yes!

- ...by the artist known as Zeke.

And finally, the loon by Donald Sinclair.

That's my-- that's my duck. I'm a finalist!

(scoffing)

Whatever.

(humming)

Hi there, Amandeep.

Hi, Barb. What an amazing event.

And thank you so much for all your volunteer work.

You know, you truly are the soul behind this event.

Thank you, Amandeep.

Yes.

I, um-- I need to, uh--

Actually, I need to inform you that you...

You won't be competing in the finals.

What?

It has come to our attention

that you used paper feathers to decorate your bird.

Is that bad?

We've been notified that it's against the rules.

Frank...

Sorry. Don't make the rules.

You helped write them.

(sniffing, exhaling deeply)

Congratulations, Zeke.

Not now, duck girl.

- Here I go. - Here you go.

(chuckling)

Margaret...

it's stuck.

What?!

It's stuck?

It was the varnish - it didn't dry!

Now, it's get-- let me try.

Dennis: Attention all finalists,

the float test and presentation will begin in five minutes.

Oh, God...

Okay.

Okay, buy us some time. I'll fix this.

Buy us some time?

Buy us-- buy us some time...

♪

Barb, can I get your help?

Sorry, can't talk.

Hey, man, can you help me?

Oh, bro, I-- I've got, like, a couple Quaaludes left.

You wanna go smoke a bong or something?

No, no. My duck's not ready. I need you to delay them.

Oh! I can't do that right now. I gotta focus.

(Margaret sighing)

(sighing)

Margaret: I think I can get it closer to the base.

Rhett: Yeah, yeah. I know you can.

Slow and steady, Marge. Get it all.

Gotta float deep.

Duh, Rhett. It's a loon.

(distant sobbing)

What's that?

Dennis: Competitors to the stage.

Last call. Competitors to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

(sobbing in stall)

Margaret: What's wrong?

Paper feathers are illegal.

Frank said so.

(sighing) No, it's not.

That bully! You come with me.

Rhett, finish the loon!

Rhett: I got this!

(blowing raspberry)

(grunting)

Let's go. I'm ready.

We're falling behind! Come on, Dennis.

(audience cheering)

(cheering)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

Good afternoon, Lloydminster!

(audience cheering)

Where is it?

Frank: What is he doing here?

You were banned for using paper feathers.

So what?

It's illegal.

No, it's not. It's allowed.

I'm sorry, who are you again?

I'm his girlfriend,

and I've read your silly rule book cover to cover three times.

Oh, bullshit.

Including the footnotes.

Dennis: Are you ready to get started?!

(audience applauding)

Fine.

Yes!

Christ, what's this world coming to?

I said, are you really ready to get started?!

(audience cheering)

What is going on? Where is it?

(Margaret stammering)

You don't have your duck, do you?

Technically, it's a loon.

Shut it.

Let's bring out those finalists!

(audience applauding)

This is it. Let's go. Line up.

I'm sorry.

Not so fast, Brunswick.

Not without the loon.

Dennis: Yes, that's right, folks!

Let's keep that applause going!

(audience applauding)

Let them hear it!

(audience applauding)

They're back there, ready to go!

Oh, and here they come! Say hello!

(audience cheering)

(Dennis chuckling)

Some magnificent ducks this year,

but these five,

these are the finest--

exquisite craftsmanship on display.

Really, a masterclass of execution.

Please, lower your ducks.

Welcome, competitors. Here we go!

You don't make it to this stage without a beautiful duck, folks,

that's for sure.

But now, it's time to see if they can float!

It's all form and function here baby.

(laughing) You can't fake it one bit! Oh!

Let's start with...

Frank Brunswick!

(audience applauding, cheering)

Ooh!

That is a perfect-looking gadwall drake

from the godfather of Alberta carving himself.

Let's see it swim, Frank.

Whoo! Oh, my!

That never gets old, people, I tell ya.

Thank you very much, Frank.

(audience applauding, cheering)

Next up-- new to the sport,

he describes carving as...

a Canadian badge of honour--

Amandeep Singh!

(audience applauding, cheering)

Oh!

(audience applauding, cheering)

Yeah!

Whoa!

Thank you, Amandeep.

Next up, we have Mary Jane Olinyuk...

(audience applauding, cheering)

...who wanted me to add

that she's presenting...

Mary Sue this year.

Don't do it for them. Do it for me.

(audience applauding)

(audience applauding, cheering)

Yeah! Whoo! You did it!

Whoo!

Oh!

And now, he's carved alongside the best in the biz

and in style-- Zeke!

(audience applauding, cheering)

- (dance beat playing) - What the hell is this?!

All right, Lloydminster!

Do it, Zeke!

Come on! Give me some love!

Yes! Today,

we are going to see something absolutely breath-taking!

Isn't that right, MC Dennis?

Yeah! Yeah, we are!

(audience clapping rhythmically)

♪

(audience clapping rhythmically)

♪

(audience cheering)

(music stopping, microphone feeding back)

Thank you very much, Zeke!

Wow! Whoo!

Oh! What a rush!

Reminds me of those rave days. (chuckling)

Dark, dark times.

But for our our final brave soul,

he's a newcomer from Edmonton,

it's a loon from Donald...

- ...Sinclair. - (audience applauding)

His father made it look effortless for years.

But we all know that the loon is the most difficult species

to float true. A tremendous challenge.

(heart beating loudly)

(heart beating loudly)

(heart beating loudly)

- (audience cheering) - Yes!

(audience cheering)

Dennis: Wow!

I can't believe this!

The Loonatic has returned!

Donald Sinclair!

(audience cheering)

(sighing)

And now comes hardest part of my job, folks.

Do you want to hear how these ducks have been judged?

(audience applauding)

I'm sorry, are you all wearing earmuffs?

Do you want to hear the judges scores?!

(audience cheering)

And now...

the 2020 Best in Show competition

fifth place...

Mary Jane Olinyuk.

(audience cheering)

Whoo!

Congratulations. Wow.

In fourth place...

hate to love him-- Zeke!

(audience cheering)

I'm still dancing.

And then there were three.

In third place...

Wow. Um...

Frank Brunswick.

Excuse me?! You get out of my face!

- (audience gasping) - Congratulations, Frank.

Roy? Marv! Roy?

Damn it! This is the best work I've ever done!

This is the best gadwall drake you'll ever see in your life!

Marv, damn it!

You don't have a clue about gadwall drakes!

Everyone knows that's your weakest species!

And Roy, Judas priest!

Roy, look at the thickness of your damn glasses!

You wouldn't know a gadwall's jizz

if it hit you in the face!

God! You-- you're not worth the-- God!

I'm outta here!

What a... good competitor. Wow. What a spirit.

Don't go, Frank. Stay, please.

(sighing) Finally. Okay.

And now, we have two!

In second place...

...Donald Sinclair!

And with a unique bird we've never seen before,

Amandeep is our winner!

(audience, applauding cheering)

(audience cheering)

Oh my God! I did it!

Whoo! (laughing)

Barb...

(dramatic big band jazz playing)

Well done, kid.

Your dad would be proud.

(dramatic big band jazz playing)

Simran, babe, we did it!

Next stop-- nationals!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

and congratulations on another amazing competition!

- Feels kind of cool. - What's that?

To be dating The Loonatic.

I'm just a second place winner.

Winner? You just met her.

♪

Truth be told...

I kind of knew it.

No, you didn't.

Kind of.

Not at all.

Oh, Simran...

Oh, no. Later. Not on camera.

"Later." She said "later."

♪ I've seen the Rockies rise high above the trees ♪

♪ I've seen the northern lights, brought me to my knees ♪

♪ Where you are ♪

So, this is Karen.

Karen works for the Shopping Channel.

So, if you need a pashmina...

♪ Time leads you home ♪

Zeke: I've been wearing these coveralls

every time I've been inspired

to pull a duck from the wood.

It's not, like, superstition.

They're just enchanted.

♪ Time wanders on ♪

♪ Time leads you home ♪

♪ I've seen the sun scorch the land in flame ♪

(groaning)

♪ Harvest fields burnt beneath her blaze ♪

♪ Heard the wild geese cry as they cross the plain ♪

♪ Heard the wind call my name ♪

♪ I've seen a hundred towns ♪

♪ Cities shining bright ♪

♪ Slept among the summer stars ♪

♪ Danced through winter's nights ♪

♪ Where you are, where you roam ♪

♪ Time wanders on ♪

♪ Time leads you home ♪

♪