Original subtitles

(sheep bleating)

So this is Regus.

He had a torrid love affair with Cecilia.

But don't tell Jeanine, 'cause she doesn't know yet.

Um, I know what you're thinking.

These two ducks, a mallard and a blue bill.

Yeah, the sex was crazy.

Lonely?

Uh, no, no. Not at all.

To be honest, someone else around here would really just

you know, get in the way.

This is Lois. She's deeply entrenched in a pyramid scheme.

So yeah, I just, uh... I really, honestly, I got things

set up pretty much exactly the way I want them.

Just by myself.

♪

Registration packet for the competition

is usually here by now.

It's got to arrive today!

I'm not gonna get screwed by a technicality.

It's not exactly rocket science,

organizing a carving competition.

(sighing)

(car approaching)

About damn time.

What?

God damn it!

There's something fishy going on.

And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

No one jerks around Frank Brunswick.

♪

So, how's she float?

Float?

Yeah, how's she sit in the water?

- It has to float? - Yes, it has to float.

I didn't think it needed to do that.

"Floating decorative." What did you think it meant?

To be honest, the rule book is pretty dense.

I didn't really read it.

Well, loons are special, because unlike ducks,

their bones are solid, not hollow.

So they always sit a little lower in the water.

Getting that precise, that's a challenge.

(sighing)

I don't know, Rhett. That sounds like a lot more work.

I think I bit off more than I can chew.

Hey. Don't sweat it.

Sometimes you get lucky

and they sit low enough in the water straight away.

- Yeah? - Yeah, she's a beaut.

Are you wearing a denim shirt, and a denim jacket,

and a denim kerchief?

That's a lot of denim, honey.

The judges care about presentation.

I think you're probably overthinking this.

My name is Amandeep Singh, and I present to you, the judges.

I'm judging.

The blue bill.

Tah-dah!

Why-- why isn't he-- it yellow?

Yellow?

Huh? Like a bath time ducky ducky?

It is not that kind of "quack quack" ducky ducky, man!

That's all it is?

Not by a longshot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the blue bill.

Oh...

Is it supposed to do that?

- Oh no. - It looks sick.

No... no, my life is over.

- (sobbing) - Amu, no.

It's supposed to float!

Aw, don't worry so much, hm?

I'm sure you can put some little duck floaters on it,

- you know? Like those... - What?

Wrap it in a noodle.

100%?

This is critical to our event.

Great, thank you very much for your professionalism, Griffin.

And that is a green light on using their kitchenette!

Boy, that could have gotten ugly.

Oh, tell me about it!

You know, sometimes I think it would be easier

to put a man on the moon than to organize this competition.

- Amen. - (knocking at door)

Oh.

Oh, Frank?

Great to see you unannounced.

Save it. What are you playing at, Barb?

- Pardon me? - I haven't received

my registration packet in the mail yet!

I don't much appreciate this cloak and dagger act.

What's going on?

Oh, Frank, no. We've gone online this year. We're paperless.

Where's your phone?

My phone?

My phone's at my house, plugged into the wall.

Right.

Well, uh, why don't you come on in

and I'll show you how to register.

Well, it's the least you could do, I think.

Nice to see you, Frank.

Frank: Yeah.

Barb: Here's my tablet.

You can take a look at that if you want.

(loud classical music playing)

(laughing maniacally)

Who are you?

No!

♪

Who are you?!

A merganser?

A pintail?!

American wigeon?

Canvasback?!

A Northern shoveler?

(sobbing)

Show yourself!

♪

(knocking at door)

Everything okay in here?

Got a, uh, noise complaint.

No, everything's not okay, officer.

I have...

Carver's block.

You try yelling at it?

- In the tub! - Whoa, Rhett!

Float, check. Sorry, Marge.

There's nothing in there I haven't seen before.

I got this, okay. Let me handle it.

Uh, babe, we are just wondering if you might see where

the water line is when it floats.

- Margaret: Are you serious? - Very.

Rhett, Rhett...

Babe?

Margaret: Barely breaks the surface.

Thank you, useful information.

Did I, uh, mention you're beautiful?

What kind of a duck sinks?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

There is so much of this crap.

Just to make it edible, you have to add a lot of spices.

But he insists on eating Canadian cuisine

when he's in training.

I just want to get rid of it.

You can still see it, can't you?

I'll have to bury it.

Skipping straight ahead to our golden years

is not what I had in mind.

He acts like a retiree and he's not even thirty.

Is that healthy?

No... he doesn't engage with the world.

Certainly not our relationship.

No.

You know, I will tell you this much.

I am not going to that competition.

Not hungry.

You have to eat something, hm? You've been carving all day.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

It's fusion.

The best of both worlds.

Fusion.

Hey, can you get me some chutney?

Simran: Look right next to you.

Oh, she's right.

At least get me a spoon.

Simran: Carve on!

♪

If you give me just one more duck,

I swear I'll never carve another again.

I swear. Just one more work of art.

And then I'll turn to wooden spoons,

or cottage signs.

Or even pen turning.

♪

Oh, that wasn't right.

Neither is that.

(groaning)

God...

What? Hey, where'd it all go?

You swiped to the next window, just swipe back.

How do you swipe?!

You know, Frank, I don't mind typing it for you.

I can actually easily do it myself.

And have you steal my identity?

No thank you, Barb.

(sighing)

Hey, it's all typed in.

All right! So now you just press submit--

Are you sure this is all okay?

Yes, Frank. I'm certain.

Okay.

Hah! Done.

Well then, congratulations, Frank Brunswick!

You are now officially registered for the Northern--

Don't patronize me with your carnival barker routine, Dennis.

Okay, sorry.

The Falcated duck.

Indigenous to the land of the five rivers, Punjab.

Just like your boy.

A Punjabi bird.

Actually, a very handsome Punjabi bird

made into a Canadian art form.

The best of both worlds. Fusion!

Fusion, fusion, fusion.

All my idea.

Of course I knew what I was doing.

The other duck was boring as hell.

This is my competition bird this year.

Her name is Mary Sue.

She's my best work yet.

Shh, yeah. That's okay.

My name is Mary Sue. I'm just a good old-fashioned duck.

My idea of a perfect time is a stranger on a park bench

with a loaf of bread and some time to kill.

People ask me all the time if I'm lonely.

I have plenty of friends, but...

It would be nice sometimes to meet that one special friend

who you want to spend all your time with,

before it's too late.

She's a real gas, isn't she?

Oh...

♪ Yo, I'm madder than cray ♪

♪ I caught my tongue, I flatter your brain ♪

♪ No matter the range ♪

♪ I break your dollars into loose change ♪

♪ You're rhyming two planes like I rhyme with two brains ♪

♪ I got everybody saying my shit like I was new slang ♪

♪ The empire come with new things for you to palm ♪

♪ Like a 12-gauge we be killing you chumps ♪

♪ For your skull, full of lumps ♪

♪ When the song 'bout to approach ya ♪

♪ Protect his own proper ♪

♪ Steal the show like the Phantom of the Opera ♪

♪ Order two vodkas to get my head spinning ♪

♪ Like propellers on helicopters ♪

♪ Fuck the coppers, no, the pigs will never catch me ♪

♪ After I paid off the sheriff and the deputy ♪

♪ You might get spotted if you stand next to me ♪

♪ And try to rock it ♪

♪ You're only holding pebbles in your pockets ♪

♪ Throwing foreign objects at your self-appointed prophets ♪