All language subtitles for Corporate.S02E06.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtitles01.ENG

[ Telephone rings ]

Hey, have you checked out
the new street view

on Hampton DeVille Maps?No.

It's supposed to be
more detailed than Google Maps.

Really?

[ Keyboard clacking,
mouse clicking ]

Wow.

It takes me all the way up
to my front door.

Hmm.

[ Mouse clicks ]

♪♪

What the hell?

I'm inside my own house.

♪♪

[ Mouse clicking ]

What?
Oh, my God.

♪♪

Oh, God.

Your bathroom
is a mess.

Please don't
tell anybody.

Let me check
my apartment.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Mouse clicking ]

[ Door creaks]

[ Mouse clicking ]

♪♪

I thought
that was a dream.

This is a violation
of our privacy.

If they can see inside
our apartments, that means...

We can see
other people's shit.

Let's check
my neighbor Barry.

I know he's
up to something.

[ Keyboard clacking,
mouse clicking ]

[ Chuckles ] Oh.

Way to go, Barry.

Whoa!

[ Mouse clicking ]

Oh.

He's got a gun.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ohh!
Get out of there!

[ Gunshot ]

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Wha!

Hardwood floors.
I'm jealous.

I really like what Barry did
with the place.

♪♪

♪♪

Hampton DeVille is
a data-driven company,

and as you both know,
John and I are total data nerds.

Well,
we go nuts for data.

We're data addicts.We get fucked up on data.

We know you both
are data-heads, as well,

which is why you'll be excited
to hear about a clever new way

we're collecting data
in the office.

We're installing sensors
underneath everyone's desks.

They detect when a workspace
is occupied

and report that data
back to us.

I think that feels
a little invasive.

Don't worry.
Data on its own

is just a harmless object,
like a sharp rock.

Yeah,
or a, um, a gun.

[ Imitates gun cocking ]
Pow!

Pow! Pow!
Pow! Pow!
Pow! Pow!

[ Chuckles,
imitates gun cocking ]

[ Imitates gun cocking ]

Boom!

[ Imitates gun cocking ]

[ Imitating sobbing ][ Imitating sobbing ]

[ Imitates gunshot ]

I don't like the idea
of the company knowing

every time
I go to the bathroom.

Oh, the two of you
will not have desk sensors.

I withdraw
my objection.

But we do want you to be
the face of this initiative.

This is a chance for you
to step into a management role.

Right now, your co-workers
see you as friends.

Yuck.
This will show them
that you're in charge,

like the boys in blue
or the Man Upstairs.

And if you get any guff...And you will receive guff.

...just remind everyone

that Hampton DeVille
is pro-data,

and to be anti-desk sensor
is to be...

...anti-data and therefore
anti-Hampton DeVille.

And if anyone
has any questions,

we're happy to have
a friendly convo.

Ooh!
Yes, Tad?

How long can we be away from our
desks without being punished?

Great question, Tad.
No one is being punished.

We're just
collecting data.

But you might want to cut down
on those bathroom breaks,

or you will be punished.

What gives you,
two cis white men,

the right to keep track of
every time I go to the bathroom?

First of all,
I'm not white.

I'm Jewish.

And I have walked
a very difficult road.

Second,
what gives us the right

is we're superiors
and above the law.

But we're also your friends
and the same as all of you.

Do you two
have desk sensors?

Great question, Jessica.
No. But...

We're sorry.This is like "1984,"
right?

Yeah!
And you guys
are Big Brother.

This is
nothing like "1984."

I'll bet you've never
even read "1984."

Oh,
I've read "1984."

And it was
a fucking page-turner.

I loved it.

The point is we're gonna be
watching you at all times.

So think of us
as God.

But remember,
God loves you so much,

and he's still a cool guy
that you can get a beer with

after work.
Wrong.

God is bad and vengeful
and doesn't exist.

Now, you might want
to get back to your desks

because those sensors
are turning on right about...

now.[ Sensors beeping ]

Sorry about this,
guys.

It's good, though.
This is a good thing.

♪♪

This is a disaster.
Everybody's already mad at us.

Machiavelli said it's better
to be feared than loved.

Well,
I choose love.

Nobody loves
or fears you.

People don't think
about you at all.

Sure they do.

What do you think
people think about you?

I don't know.

Probably that
I'm a good person

who was raised
in a loving family.
Mm-hmm.

That I'm kind
and a good listener.

And I'm going places,
you know?

This isn't the end
of the road for me.

That I'm wise beyond my years
and still handsome as a teen.

And at the end of the day,
I'm just trying my best

because that's all anyone
can do in this crazy world.

Somebody's been keeping
a spreadsheet of every time

I go
to the bathroom.

♪♪

Who shared you
on this?

The e-mail didn't say.

But this can't
be accurate.

It says you go
like 30 times a day.

I have
a tiny bladder, okay?

It's a weakness, and I don't
want it to define me.

Tiny bladder,
eh?

I wouldn't worry
about it.

Your defining characteristic
will always be your huge ass.

Somebody shared Jake
on a spreadsheet

of every time
he goes pee.

It has to be someone I pass
on the way to the bathroom.

It's probably somebody mad
about the desk sensors.

I've been getting
tons of complaints.

Really?
Who's been complaining about me?

That's strictly
confidential.

But what I cantell you
is everyone.

Wait,
where are yougoing?

Where the fuck
do you think?

[ Door slams ]

[ Toilet flushes, water runs ]

[ Water shuts off,
paper-towel dispenser whirs ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

♪♪

Look out, everybody!
Big Brother's watching!

Baron.

What makes you think
it's Baron?

The spreadsheet goes back
for months.

Baron's had it out
for me

ever since he found out
I had it out for him.

But here's the thing --
I only had it out for him

because he had it out
for me.

[ Computer beeps ]

He's on the move.I've got eyes on him.

Text me the moment
he gets back to his desk.

Got it.
Sorry.

Matt.

And I'll
man the fort here.

♪♪

Whee!

♪♪

What the hell is this?

I actually think working here
is more like

"A Brave New World"
than "1984."

It's definitely
Kafka-esque.

More like
"Fahrenheit 451."

It's a "Catch 22.""Animal Farm."

Anything by Philip K. Dick,
really.

Oh, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

"Harry Potter and
the Prisoner of Azkaban," too.

Well, looks like Big Brother
was eavesdropping on us.

Like "1984,"
that page-turner I devoured.

Oh, yeah?
What was your favorite part?

Uh, I mean, you know,
there's so many cool parts.

It would be hard
to just pick one,

but you got to love
that twist ending.

What was
the twist ending?

Well, I don't want
to spoil it.

We've all read it.Then we all know.

And it doesn't need
to be said.

We probably should all
go back to our desks.

Don't want
to get in trouble.

Ow.

[ Cellphone keyboard clacking ]

♪♪

Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing
on my computer, Levinson?

I think
the real question is

what are youdoing
on your computer, Baron?

[ Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"
plays ]

My Pinterest.

I used to think
weddings were stupid,

but then I went to
my friend's wedding in Vermont.

Mm.
It was fall.

The air
smelled of maple.

And the centerpieces
were as vibrant as the foliage.

I mean,
it is the 21st century!

We need to start thinking
beyond cake, Jake!

If I even see
a chocolate fountain,

I just get up
and leave

because it's a wedding
on a damn cruise ship.

Have you ever seen a hedgehog
be a ring bearer?

Ooh.

I did.
Messed me up emotionally.

But it's what I needed.

And is anyone, like,
funner than a-a drunk aunt?

A drunk great-aunt.

I'll just say
one last thing.

I think every wedding
needs a hora.

The Chosens were correct
about that one.

I've been single for
a year and a half,

but I've become
obsessedwith weddings.

It's a sickness.

But I don't want that
to define me,

so I would appreciate
your discretion.

I won't tell anyone.

But in exchange,

I need you
to stop keeping a spreadsheet

tracking every time
I go to the bathroom.

What?
I-I'm not doing that.

Why would anybody
do that?

I go
35 times a day.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Um, you --
you really should see --

I've seen multiple doctors
and a number of therapists.

I even
asked my Rabbi.

Nobody has
any answers.

Okay, yeah, I'm --
I'm sorry, but it is not me.

Well, then I need your help
finding out who it is.

But first...

[ Door slams ]

[ Toilet flushes, water runs ]

[ Water shuts off,
paper-towel dispenser whirs ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

Grace, please, just tell me
what people are saying about me!

Matt, relax.

People always complain
about their bosses.

I need people
to love me.

I'm not
like Michael Tevelli.

Well, I also need people
to love me.

Specifically, Tad.

Do you know
what his deal is?
No. Why?

He just updated
his emergency contact,

which suggests
a recent break-up.

I've been using the HR system
as a dating app.

Whoops.

May I present...[ Keyboard clacks ]

...screen monitoring.

Every computer on the floor
is connected

to the Hampton DeVille
network.

All it took was
a little password phishing,

a bit
of mainframe hacking,

and a dash of seduction
to get administrator access.

Well, this is a terrifying
look into the depths

of people's souls.I do it all the time.

It's so depressing.

I love it.

Huh.
Dierdre's making horse memes.

♪♪

I can do both,
easy.

Yeah, me, too.
No problem.
Hmm.

Baron?

Oh! Shit!
Jake, I forgot to tell you!

A little late,
Matty.

Uh, what are
you guys doing?

Well, Jake's gonna use
the bathroom

while I watch
everyone's screens

to see who's been
updating the spreadsheet.

You guys are spying
on everyone's computers?

That is a total
invasion of privacy.

Hey, look, someone's G-chatting
about you.

Show me everything.

All right,
by the time I come back,

we'll know who this
goddamn piss detective is!

[ Door slams, toilet flushes,
water runs, water shuts off ]

[ Paper-towel dispenser whirs,
mouse clicks ]

Did you see
who did it?

But the spreadsheet
still updated?

How is this possible?!

It could be someone
on their phone

or maybe
a personal laptop.

Ooh, or one of those fridges
that has Internet.

So we've learned nothing.

That's not
entirely true.

We learned that Creston's
having trouble adopting.

[ Computer chimes ]Who would do this to me?

Well,
it's not Creston.

He's got enough
on his plate.

Um, Jordy, you know, Mary --
They both hate you.

You know what, it could be
someone from the thread.

What thread?

[ Sighs ]
Oops.

There was never
a good time to tell you,

and honestly,

I never was
going to tell you.

Yeah, there's an e-mail thread
about you.

It's been going on
for a while.

♪♪

It all started when Matt
e-mailed Grace

a picture of the two of you
with the caption that read,

"Hey, look,
I met Grumpycat."

[ Chuckles ]

And then it kind of
snowballed from there.

At this point, I think
almost all of Hampton DeVille

is on the thread.

Why is everyone
doing this?

Well, at first, I think they
just liked making fun of you.

Now I think they come
more for a sense of community.

And of course,
the ass memes.

There's over
3,000 replies.

And most of them
are about my ass.

Is it really
that big?

Ask Lynn.

How did my mom
get on this?

♪♪

Hey, Paige.

I brought in cupcakes
for everyone.

Why?

Just to brighten
your day.

Listen, I know
everyone's feeling a little down

about the desk sensors,

which you shouldn't because
there's nothing to worry about.

But hopefully,
these cupcakes will cheer you up

and remind you
that I've always got your back.

Ow!

We've always got
yourback, too, Matt.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]
Well, you all deserve a chuckle,

and I'm just happy
to provide it.

Ohh!

A-All right,
you know what,

hit me in the back with
a cupcake once, shame on me.

But hit me in the back
with a cupcake twice -- ow!

Okay, you know what,
I amyour friend,

but I am also
your superior.

And so the next person
that throws a cupcake at me

is gonna get in trouble.

Big-time trouble!

♪♪

[ Distorted ] Jessica!

You Big Brother
motherfucker!

Oh! [ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Tad.

Do not post that!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]Tad!

[ Jake sighs ]

At first, you think people
are just tracking

every time you piss,
but then you learn

that everyone's also e-mailing
each other about your huge ass.

These people
are savages.[ Computer chimes ]

What do we have here?

Maybe we could
start a petition

and present it
to Kate and John

and convince them to
stop using the desk sensors.

Then everyone will stop
talking about my swimsuit area.

No, Jake.

Macchiato was right.

We have to make
these people fear us.

[ Door opens ]

Paige Brisbin
and Jessica Carter.

Smoking marijuana
on company premises?

Yeah.
Who cares?

Got your confession
on tape.

That's a phone.
There's no tape.

Got it on film, too.

This is going
straight to HR.

Why are you being, like,
such a narc all of a sudden?

'Cause I'm
your fucking boss.

[ Inhales sharply ]

♪♪

[ Coughs ]

♪♪

Hey, Rachael,
I'm starting a petition

to get rid
of the desk sensors.

Want to be
the first to sign?

♪ Hey, Big Brother

Hey, Fred. Want to get rid
of those desk sensors?

♪ As soon as you arrive

♪ You better get in touch
with the people, Big Brother ♪

What's up, Jada?

♪ And get them on your side,
Big Brother ♪

Nice signature, Tina.

♪ And keep them satisfied

Matt, why are you
sending me pictures of employees

smoking weed like you expect me
to do something about it?

I want Paige and Jessica
brought to justice.

And in exchange, I will let you
spy on Tad's computer.

I sentence Paige and Jessica
to death.

Hey, Baron.

♪♪

Glad to see your ass
on our side for a change.

♪ Hey, Big Brother

♪ As soon as you arrive

♪ You better get in touch
with the people, Big Brother ♪

♪ And get them on your side,
Big Brother ♪

-Chocolate chip.
-♪ And keep them satisfied

♪ Welcome to the beat
of a city street ♪

♪ Walk on, now,
and don't be shy ♪

♪ Take a closer look
at the people you meet ♪

Hey, Matt.
No cupcakes today?

♪ And notice the fear
in their eyes ♪

Hello, Dierdre.

You working hard,
or hardly working

'cause you're too busy
making horse memes?

That's right.

I know all about
the horse memes.

Luckily for you,
I'm a merciful God.

♪♪

But I'm also
a vengeful God.

♪♪

Get you a God
who can do both.

♪♪

I got
over 150 signatures.

Kate and John probably
won't care,

but at least
people will know we tried.

You should
sign it, too.
[ Chuckles ]

So you want to make
everybody like you.

Meredith Vieira must be
rolling over in his grave.

Matt.

Jake, you're not gonna catch
this piss detective with honey.

I really did not mean to coin
the phrase "piss detective."

Well,
it's fucking coined!

You want to find
the piss detective?

You got to
flush them out.

Pssssssssh.

Matt: It looks like many of you
have taken issue

with the desk sensors.

And listen,
as your superiors,

we hear
your concerns.

And here's what
we think of them.

Matt!

Next order of business,
and this is serious --

somebody has been keeping
a spreadsheet

of every time
Jake goes to the bathroom.

And this is
very embarrassing for Jake

because he has
a tiny child's bladder

and no control
over it.

[ Laughter ]That's not
entirely true.

It's a fairly big
child's bladder.

He's sensitive about it,
as he should be.

It's shameful
what he does.

So here's
what we're gonna do.

Until the piss detective
reveals him or herself --

It's the 21st century --

we're going to be keeping track
of everybody's bathroom usage.

No, we are not
going to do that.

I'm the
piss detective now!

And I am also
your boss and God.

And you know what?
[ Laughs ]

I haven't read "1983."

But I'm starting
to think

that Big Brother
was right on the money.

So should we all
pee in a cup

and bring it
to your desk,

oh, Mr. Glorious Piss Detective,
sir?

How about
you bring it to me

in a decorative
mason jar, Baron?

♪♪

That's right.

Baron here has
a secret passion,

and it's very weird.

And I'm
going to unveil it.

Matt, no.

[ Jake grunts, all gasp ]

Yes! Whoo!

Yeah!

Jake!
I order you to stop!

[ Applause ]

No.
Go, go, go!

Get down from there!

Vivian!
Everyone stop!

Aah! Tad!

Kate: So, we have received
some very interesting data

on the two of you.

Jake, you have destroyed
company property,

and, Matt, we received
an anonymous tip from Baron

that you have been spying
on people's computer screens.

And claiming that
you're a vengeful God?

Which is just weird
because God is great.

God is good.
Let us thank Him for our food.

Amen.
Amen.

Amen.Amen.

So, based on
this new data,

we're gonna make
some changes.

We're excited to announce
that the desk-sensor program

has been
officially terminated!

We did it!Thank you!

Very nice!

Next order
of business.

Um, we're sad to announce
the start

of the
screen-monitoring program.

Fuck you!

Hey, whatever happened
between you and Tad?

Oh, I looked into his house
on Hampton DeVille Maps,

and his bathroom
is a mess.

Mm.
So, that's that.

That's tough.

Is the spreadsheet
still updating

whenever you go
to the bathroom?

Yeah.
I have no idea who's doing it.

I guess
I'll never know.

Just one of many things
that'll haunt me forever.

Wait, did we share Jake
on the spreadsheet?

I thought we just sent it
to the thread.

Whoopsy daisy.

Do you ever think
we went too far

putting those cameras
in the bathroom?

No.
We were just collecting data.

I mean, we are
certified data addicts.

We're data nuts.

And we're coo-coo
for data puffs.Coo-coo! Coo-coo!

[ Sighs ]
I'll take a Machiavelli.

Double shot.

[ Imitating gunfire ]Pow! Pow!

Take it in the knees.
Whop! Whop!

Whop! Whop!

Musket.
Tamp it down.

All you motherfuckers!

[ Grunts ]

Boom!
Boom!

Ooh, kickback.