Original subtitles

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

It's a weeknight, so nothing.

Cool. Well, my college buddy Todd is in town,

and you should come hang out with us.

You don't understand.

Nothing is what I'm doing.

I literally have "nothing" in my calendar

every night this week, and it's the only thing

getting me through the day.

Now drive me home to my cat daughter.

♪♪

Jake, I'm going to tell you something,

and I don't want you to freak out.

I'm driving us to the bar.

Matt, no.

It's for your own good.

You need to have more fun with your life.

Nothing you can say will stop me.

Also, earlier I stole your phone,

and I hid it, and I'm not giving it

back to you until the end of the night.

Matt, we agreed to carpool,

which is a sacred contract

upheld by the American legal system.

We're almost at my street.

If you don't turn right, this is kidnapping,

and you're going to jail.

♪ We don't know, we don't care

Okay. You want to play games? I'll play games.

You've vastly overestimated my will to live.

I'll grab that wheel and kill us both -- easy.

The cops are gonna find our cold, dead bodies

in a ditch somewhere, Matt.

Think about how sad your parents will be.

Matt, turn right!

Matt, turn right right now!

Matt, turn right, turn right!

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt!

[ Sighs ]

Goddamn it, you used to fear me more.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

This is so Todd, to be late.

I've ended lifelong friendships over people

being five minutes late --

people I love, blood relatives I've abandoned

and never spoken to again.

40 minutes late without a text.

Kill this person.

Dude, you are going to love Todd.

[ Sighs ]We used to do so much crazy shit together in college.

We'd get drunk and throw things out our dorm window --

water balloons, textbooks,

stuff we really needed.

One time Todd got drunk and almost threw

a cat out the window, but I was like, "Todd, don't,"

but he almost did and it was so funny.

Boy, we really needed all that stuff, though.

You should never meet people from your friend's past.

They're like a time capsule of bad personality traits.

Jake, you need to lighten up.

When you get to the end of your life,

you're gonna look back

and wish that you had more fun.

At the end of my life, I'll be dead.

[ Women cheering ]

Look. They're having a good time.

They're young and dumb,

so they still think this is what fun is.

They have no idea they're actually having a terrible time.

It's honestly tragic.

Now give me back my phone.

It's not on me, and you'll never find it.

Fatty Matty, my good dude!

Tee-Oh-Double-Dee!

[ Both laughing ]

How the hell are you, man?

Dude, crazy night so far.

Who's the suit? -Okay.

Who is this Hertz Rent a Car associate?

-[ Laughs ] -What is it,

"Take your boss to the bar night"

or something?

Yeah, I am his boss.

And you just got him fired.

Ooh!

[ Laughs ] All right.

Jake, this is Todd. Todd, Jake.

You're both my dudes, and now you're each other's dudes.

Oh!

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Handshake Sir.

I hope your finances are business.

I'm only playing with you, dude.

Any friend of the fat one is a brother of mine.

All right. I'm gonna go get us some shots.

Uh, Matt, you cool if I put it on your tab?

I stopped using credit cards 'cause of banks.

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Cool.

Guys, let's drink to this moment right now.

The past -- fuck that.

The future, mm, okay, maybe.

But right now?

Yes, please.

-Amen. -Cheers.

[ Groaning ]

Ouch!

Aw, man, super wet table.

Dude. So, bro, how's it been going, man?

It's been forever.

Dudes, I have been traveling.

Went to Paris -- Did so much molly.

Cut to me on a fjord in Norway

stoned out of my mind -- I don't know much,

but I do know that I'm on molly.

Spent Friendsgiving in Zermatt

with Beck microdosing on an alpine slide --

I go to Guadalajara -- I did everything but

with an heiress to the guacamole fortune.

You haven't experienced the 'mids --

And when I say "the 'mids," I mean the pyramids --

until you've seen them on Adderall.

If you mix peyote and mimosas,

it gives you sonar -- like a bat or a dolphin.

Then I did ayahuasca in SoCal and vommed on my sham.

[ Groans ]

She was pissed, but we're cool.

By the way, Fatty, if you are ever looking for a shaman,

I could totally hook you up.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to get her info.

What are you up to, fat one?

Last time I saw you, you were housing a whole pizza

and now you're working some corporate gig?

Yeah. It sucks, but it's actually pretty cool.

Uh, my bosses are super chill, and they let me do whatever.

Also, if I stay there long enough,

I'll rise up in the company,

be able to take it down from the inside.

Yeah, Matt's right on the verge

of becoming a domestic terrorist.

By the way, Todd, how do you make money?

I'm actually king of in between gigs right now.

My last boss fired me because he totally had it out for me

because his wife was, like, in love with me, which --

not my fault, you know?

She was hot, though. We fucked.

I mean, we didn't, but we did. You know what I'm talking about.

-Yeah. -Hey!

How's your night going?

Oh, my God.

There are a bunch of goddesses roaming around here tonight.

-[ Chuckles ] -Ah!

You should go talk to her.

I'm a coyote.

[ Hand smacks ]

[ Laughs ]

I hate him so much.You're just jealous

'cause he's still having fun with his life.

You could learn a lot from Todd.

Todd is a drifter and a drug dealer.

No, he's not.

He's dealing someone drugs right now.

Okay, narc.

Your entire personality has reverted

back to being in college.

How is that a bad thing?

College are the best years of your life.

-Smoke? -Hell yeah.

Jesus, Matt.

We should collaborate on something.

Dude, I would love to collab.

What are you thinking?

Mm, art? Maybe an app?

Oh, dude -- art app!

Oh! Dude, I've always wanted to start my own record label.

Oh, yeah?

Dude. Check it out.

Parking ticket.

Do you remember what we used to do?[ Laughing ] Yeah.

Do you remember what we used to fucking do?

Mr. Handshake Man, check this shit out --

the old switcheroo.

Fuck the system!

[ Normal voice ] Fuck the system!

[ Laughs ]

I'll bet his dad is a district attorney.

Whoa. How'd you know that?

My name is Todd!

Todd! You maniac.

♪ I could tell the minute that I saw him ♪

♪ He was nothing but the troublemakin' kind ♪

♪ His hair was much too long

♪ And his motley group of friends ♪

♪ Had nothing but rebellion on their minds ♪

[ Gunshot ]

♪ He's rejected the establishment completely ♪

♪ And I know for sure he's never had a job ♪

♪ He just goes from place to place ♪

♪ Stirring up the young folk

♪ Till they're nothing but a disrespectful mob ♪

Oh, dude. [ Clears throat ]

I'm in town for one more night tomorrow night

to see this really sick band, Honeyscratch.

I'm sort of like really good friends of the band.

I could totally get you in for free

if you pay me for the ticket.

Cool. Yeah, I would love to.

Mr. Handshake Man, you in?

No, you're never gonna see me again.

Todd: [ Laughs ]

I love this guy! Hilarious.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow night,

Fat Matthew, okay?

Peace money.

[ Groans ] I might be too drunk to drive.

Really? That's crazy, because you've only been drinking

for four straight hours.

[ Distorted white noise ]

[ Loud crunching ]

[ Explosions ]

[ Crashing, glass shattering ]

[ Thunder crashes, rumbles ]

[ Discordant white noise, indistinct growling ]

What?I said, "There's no way

you're going to that concert tonight."

I'm definitely going.

I just need to drink plenty of fluids,

caffeinate, and wait out this headache.

I used to do this all the time when I was hungover in college.

Those days are long gone.

Once you turn 30, hangovers last an average of 83 hours.

[ Winces ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Music plays loudly ]

[ Loudly ] Dude, what is this shit?

[ Loudly ] It's Honeyscratch,

the band you're seeing tonight.

But I can turn it off if you don't like it.

Oh. No, no, no, no.

I-I'm starting to get into it.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ Laughing ] Okay.

[ Normal voice ] It's definitely cool --

sonically rich.

Now I get what Pitchfork was saying

when they said that about them.

[ Music continues ]

Oh. Here's the hook.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Is that the hook? No, no, no.

H-Hold on.

Here we go. Here's the hook.

You can just admit it sucks.

I would admit it sucked if it sucked,

but it doesn't.

They're probably just better live anyway.

Yeah.

I love live music.

I'm gonna start going to more shows --

one concert a month.

No.

One concert a week,

maybe even --

That sounds tight, dude.

Hey, Grace, have you heard of Honeyscratch?

Is that an STI? If so, yes.

No, no, no. They're this really good noise rock band

that I'm gonna see tonight.

Matt got wasted last night

and thinks he's still going out tonight.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, Matt, you naive little bitch.

Concerts being fun is one of the greatest lies

perpetuated by American media.

You guys are nuts.

We're still young.

We should be out doing things.

Tell that to the moths in my underwear.

All right, what are your big plans tonight

if you're not gonna go out and enjoy your life?

I'm doing what I do every night --

cocooning myself in fleece,

eating a cookie,

and reading historical fiction.

-I'm gonna masturbate. -[ Sighs ]

Oh, yeah, me, too.

You both sound depressed.

Yeah, we're adults.

Living life to the fullest is a con.

It's like having a second job you waste all of the money

from your first job on.

Do you remember the joy you first felt

the moment you decided to stop living life to the fullest?

Best moment of my life.

♪♪

October 17, 2010.

I was at some art opening, surrounded by liberal fascists.

I had no clue what the performance art piece meant.

All I knew was that it sucked.

And then it hit me --

I could just give up, go home, be free.

And I never looked back.

Mm.

August 13, 2014.

I was dancing in a field at a music festival,

surrounded by women dressed in various forms

of cultural appropriation.

I had eaten too much of a weed brownie,

and a drunk guy started grinding on me.

Then it hit me...

I would much rather be at home...alone.

[ Sighs ] Life-changing.

You guys are lame.

Lame but wise.

Matt, just embrace giving up.

You have no idea how good it feels.

No. I am not like you guys, okay?

I am young and full of life!

[ Keyboard clacking ]

♪♪

No.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Groans ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

No!

[ Sighs ]

Oh, hey, Matt. What are you doing tonight?

Uh, I'm going to see this band Honeyscratch.

[ Gasps ] Dude! Me, too!

I love them.[ Scoffs ] Oh, really?

You know, my buddy Todd's actually really tight

with the band so we're sort of getting VIP treatment.

Hell yeah. I'm not gonna be there till later in the night

because after work, I have Cardio Barre,

then a sample sale, three art gallery openings,

dinner at this brand-new pop-up --

...a sort-of-friend's half-birthday party,

gonna catch up with a real friend at a new speakeasy,

then Honeyscratch.

Whoa. How do you have the energy to do all that?

I'm 24. [ Scoffs ]

You got to let me know when you do stuff after work,

'cause I also do stuff constantly.

I honestly didn't know you, like, do stuff.

[ Scoffs ] Yeah. I do stuff.

Sick.

So, when are you getting to the show?

Not sure -- Atrocity Algebra is opening,

but thankfully Honeyscratch is going on pretty early.

Oh, good. What time?

I think about 1:00 A.M.

[ Coughs, wheezes ]

Cool. That -- Yeah, that works for me.

[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Elevator chimes ]

Any exciting plans tonight?

Uh, yeah, I'm going to this concert.

Ooh, a concert. Yeah, um,

but the band I want to see doesn't go on till 1:00 A.M.,

so I'm gonna stop at home for a bit first.

[ Chuckles ]

Here's my prediction --

you're not going to that concert.

The moment you cross the threshold of your front door,

you're done.

It's happened to me more than once.

I have some gala to get to,

and I tell myself I'm just going to stop at home

and take a quick shower, and then the next thing I know,

[inhales] I am luxuriating in my robe

and eating corn chips

while catching up on "Society Tomorrow."

Have you seen the new season? It's pretty good.

I binged it.

Oh, yeah.

I'll have to check it out.

[ Elevator chimes ]

I bet you will...

tonight --

while you're not at that concert.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Wind blows, dogs barking ]

[ Siren wails in distance ]

[ Soothing music plays ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Inhales sharply, sighs ]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God damn.

[ Moans ]

[ Groans ]

♪♪

No!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

Hey, Mom.

No. I was just calling to chat.

Nothing's wrong.

How's the garden doing?

Vroom!

Yes, I do care how the garden is doing, Mom.

Pew!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Scoffs ]

Mom, why would you say that I'm not going to the concert,

because I am going!

♪♪

Goddamn it!

Announcer: Previously on "Society Tomorrow"...

Man: The President's been hacked!

Woman: Technology's bad!

Our only chance for survival is to embrace the nihilists.

But they hate to be hugged.

I'm having an affair --

but nobody seems to care.

[ Zap!]

You shot the nihilist. He's dead!

Man #2: I was the nihilist --

Matt: Oh, I can still make it.

And now you're gonna die,

because you represent organized religion.

[ Rock music playing within ]

Hey, I think I'm the list -- Matt Engelbertson?

Nope.

Uh, it might be under "Fatty Matty"?

Nah.

Uh, well, do you know Todd?

He's friends with the band.

We're all friends with the band.

Oh.

[ Laughing ] Fatty Matty!

I got your tickets right here.

We're going backstage.

[ Groans ]

Tee-Oh-Double-Dee!

All right. Guys, guys, guys,

this is Fatty Matty,

my buddy from college I was telling you about.

'Sup, Matt? Todd was telling us about

all that fucked-up shit you guys you used to do.

-[ Laughs ] -Sounds hilarious.

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

Um, dude, I love your music -- so many hooks.

How do you guys know Todd?

He's our drug dealer.

Whoopsies.

Todd says you have some corporate sell-out job,

but you still made it out to see us on a work night.

We really appreciate that, man. You're cool.

Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty tired from work,

but supporting live music is really important to me.

Hey, Matt, real quick, can you do me a favor?

Could you throw Jake's cat out the window?

[ Cat purrs ]

Wait, what's Pebbles doing here?

Exactly.

She shouldn't be here. It's rude.

So we need you to throw her out the window.

Otherwise, we can't play our music.

Do it, Matt. Throw Pebbles out the window.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Unless you're too tired.

Yeah, unless you're too tired.

N-No, I'm not too tired.

Cool.

[ Thunder rumbles, wind blows ]

If you really support live music,

you'll throw Pebbles out the window.

Do it, Fat One!

[ Laughing ]

Pebbles, I'm sorry!

Woman: Social media killed my family.

I can't stop using it.

God damn it.

[ Inhales sharply ]

[ Exhales ]

♪♪

Hey there, Fatty Matty.

You know, there's a carton of ice cream in the freezer.

Why don't you put me on.

We can get cozy.

Shut up, koala pajamas.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Wind blows, dogs barking, car alarm chirping ]

♪♪

[ Engine starts ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I could be a better person

♪ By spreading my wings

♪ And learning to fly

♪ But it hurts to fall

♪ So why fly at all?

♪ Just give up

♪ Just give up

♪ Deep down inside, even birds hate to fly ♪

♪ Just give up

♪ Just give up

♪ It feels good

♪ Yeah, you'll land in your own life ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

There's the hook right there!

Here comes the hook!

No. Hold on.

I think we missed the hook a long time ago.

Just rewind the song.

We got to go back and find that hook.

Where's the fucking hook at?!