Original subtitles

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Jake, how come we never talk about girls?

What do you mean "girls"?

You know, guy stuff.

Like which girls in the office we think

are hot and have crushes on.

We're not that type of guy.

That's the worst type of guy.

Well, Jake, it just so happens

that I have a huge office crush.

It's a big boy.

But if you don't care,

I guess you don't get to find out who it is.

Let me guess, it's her.

[ Gasps ] How'd you know? Did she ask about me?

It's just a proximity crush.

The only reason you like her is because she's the woman

you see the most every day.

Jake, this isn't a joke.

I might be in love with her.

Oh, yeah? What specifically

do you love about her, Matt?

I mean, just look at how nice her face looks.

And I like the way she places her belongings into boxes.

It's cute.

You know it's her last day, right?

What?!

Hey.

Hey.

Before you go, there's something I need to say.

Lauren...

It's Laura.

Uh, what?

My name is Laura.

Oh, yeah, no.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

Christian: We've been negotiating for months.

I thought we'd reached an agreement.

What's changed?

A few weeks ago, my 57th grandchild,

Stephanie, was born.

And last night, I looked into her

baby-blue eyes, and it became clear to me.

I couldn't sell BNN to Hampton DeVille.

[ Papers thud ]

You are a profit-driven Goliath.

I can't allow my 57 grandchildren

to grow up in a world where information

is dominated by corporations like yours.

"The pen is mightier than the sword."

Do you know who said that?

Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

And you know how he died, right?

Somebody cut his head off with a sword.

I do not believe that's true.

See, now, that's what's nice about owning

your own news organization.

You get to decide what's true.

Christian, please, put that back.

Do you know who holds the advantage

in a negotiation, Terry?

It's the person with the least to lose.

Now, you have a loving family, while I, on the other hand,

have no family, no wife to come home to,

no kids' soccer games to cheer for.

Rah-rah! Oh.

I'm all alone, Terry, and I have nothing to lose

except this business deal.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

♪♪

Great news.

I've just negotiated a deal for Hampton DeVille to acq--

John...

do you have some pressing business to discuss?

Yes, I do.

Firstly, I want to let everyone know that

I did not burn my hand.

Thanks for asking Carl, Lucy, and Sander.

The reason I am wearing this glove is...

over the three-day weekend...

I got married.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah!

[ Cheering, applause, hooting ]

Oh! I-I found love!

I am officially off the market!

[ Laughs ]What does she do?

A park ranger, and a damn good one.

Attaboy!

But this is brushed gold, Kate, sir.

Some poor woman looked at John and said,

"That's my guy forever."

[ Scoffs ]This proves that love

is not special and literally anyone can find someone.

I found my park ranger, and then I just let her slip away.

You didn't even know her name.

You don't have to know someone's name to be in love.

You can call a rose whatever the fuck you want.

That's what I learned from "Romeo and Julia."

I've got one more surprise for everyone.

My wife baked a batch of her famous

ooey-gooey butterballs for the office.

[ All murmuring ]Take one and just

kind of pass it around.

You are gonna get messy because these are no joke.

Christian: John.

Enough.

Your wife's ooey-gooey butterballs

can wait until after the meeting.

I'm so sorry, Christian. So sorry.

But don't worry, everyone,

they're even gooey-er when you wait.

And back to Christian.

Now, what I was about to say was

I bought BNN.

It was a $10 billion deal.

The media said it was impossible.

Congress said it was "illegal."

But through sheer force of will, I made it happen.

Okay, then.

John, go ahead and, uh,

pass out your wife's little treats.

Yes, sir. [ Laughs ]

All right, everyone, come and get it.

Now, warning, these are extremely gooey.

One of these is vegan. I couldn't tell you which one.

John, this is crazy.

I'm so happy for you.

Hey, whoa! Kate...

Married man, here. [ Chuckles ]

You can look, but you can't touch.

[ Laughter ]

They're the rules now.

The rules of marriage.

[ Butterball squishes ]

[ Classical music plays ]

Life has just lost a little bit of its luster

ever since...

Laura left me to be with her kids.

Matt, relax. You're just gonna get a crush

on whoever sits there next and forget Laura ever existed.

Her? No way.

I'll bet you 100 bucks I don't get a crush on her.

Let's shake on it.

No. Only shitty guys make bets about women.

Leave me alone.

Okay.

Guess I'll just go make up an excuse to --

Hey, stop it.

-[ Grunts ] -Get off.

I'll sue you. I'll eat your kids.

Shake my hand.

[ Grunting ]

The bet is on!Hey, guys.

I'm Jessica. I just started working here.

Hi, Jessica. I'm Jake. This is Matt.

Welcome to hell.

Oh, I drink that exact same cold brew.

Don't you love it?

I do.

Cool. Me too.

I'm addicted.

Sounds like you two have a lot in common.

I mean, I-I w-- I wouldn't say I'm addicted.

Yeah, I-I have tons of self-control, so...

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.

Thought it would be weird if we were staring at each other

all day and didn't even know each other's names.

Yeah. That'd be fucked up.

Okay. See you around.

What do you think you two are gonna name your kids?

Just curious.

[ Laughter ]

Gary: Don't even get me started on my fucking wife.

Here we go!

So, the other day, she comes back

from the store, and get this,

she didn't get the cage-free eggs.

So here I am, hand up my ass,

forced to eat eggs from a chicken

who had to suffer in cages.

Ohh![ Laughter ]

Are you fucking nuts?!

She sounds fucking nuts!

[ Laughter ]

My fucking wife won't go down on me anymore.

-Oh! -Oh!

Uh-oh, no good.

Yeah, I hate to interrupt, but, John,

you missed our conference call on the BNN deal.

Oh, sorry, Kate.

The guys brought me these Cubans imported from Canada,

and I, uh, we started busting each other's chops.

I had to lie to the FCC all by myself.

Geez, Kate, you're starting to sound like my fucking wife.

Ohh![ Laughter ]

John, let's do a working lunch, and I'll catch you up.

Oh, actually, I was gonna eat with the guys.

Our wives all packed us lunch.

[ Paper bags rustling ]

Matt: So, Jake and I have a little bet going about

whether or not I'll get a crush on this girl.

-We didn't make a bet. -Yes, we did.

Who is she?

She sits right outside of our office.

Oh, so it's a proximity crush.

I have one of those. His name is Jerry Sluntz.

He sits right outside my office,

and he's disgusting.

At first, he's hard to look at.

But eventually, you can't look away.

Well, I don't have a proximity crush because

I already found the one, and her name is...Laura.

Matt, enough.

There are 7 billion people on Earth.

Even if "the one" exists, you'll never meet her.

The best you can do is arbitrarily choose

a partner you share a few interests with

and hope their dormant personality flaws

can be medicated.

That's the thing.

Jessica and I barely have anything in common.

-Hi, guys. -Hey, Jessica.

Ooh. Looks like you two are sub buddies.

Wow, you like copying everything I do, Matt.

Actually, I go by Jessica now.

I stole your whole identity.

Oh, well, I'm calling the police.

Oh, yeah, well, my father, Mr. Jessica,

owns the police, so good luck.

How's the sub, Jessica?

It's incredible.

I mean, it's fine.

You know, whatever.

Sounds amazing.

You all have made BNN the third-rated

cable news network, and that is a disgrace.

So, here's how we're going to take BNN to number one.

Well, let me take a guess.

Make the news a product like everything else

Hampton DeVille sells.

Well, the news is not a tube of toothpaste!

Journalism is built on integrity!

It's a public service, for God's sake!

And that is my name on that Koppel Award!

Cronker Wilson.

And I will not stand here and allow you people --

Shut the fuck up, Cronker!

You're not a journalist!

You were on "Dancing with the Stars,"

for Christ's sake.

And the only thing that you've investigated

in the last 10 years is which one of the interns

is gonna give you a hand job.

[ Indistinct whispering ]Sit...down.

[ Sighs ]

Actually, Cronker, stand back up.

[ Music builds ]

Cronker, you are a legendary figure

in news journalism,

and I would be honored to keep you here at BNN.

As a janitor.

[ Trophy slams, music stops ]

Now take out the trash.

Karen is right.

Journalism has been dead for 20 years.

The news is a tube of toothpaste,

and you are all my toothpaste salesmen.

So I don't care how you do it.

You can add nicotine to toothpaste for all I care.

Just get out there and sell more fucking toothpaste.

It's refreshing to finally have someone in charge

who understands we're in the 21st century.

And it's nice to meet a journalist who understands

that news is a business.

Wow. Well, I give you a compliment,

and then you insult me by calling me a journalist.

You know, I don't believe we've ever met in person,

though, I do recall you trying to crucify me

live via satellite.[ Chuckles ]

Well, I would apologize,

but that segment got huge ratings.

Do you forgive me?

I do.

Cool.

Well, anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I figured it'd be weird if we were working together

but we never met face to face.

Uh, yeah. [ Chuckles ] That'd be, um, fucked up.

[ Both chuckle ]

Great.

See you around.

♪♪

I just broke out like crazy, 'cause I'm allergic...

Matt: You don't have a crush on Jessica.

You love Laura.

Or wait, is it Lauren? No. Shit.

♪ Jessica

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I...love you

Karen James: The only people who survived

the plane crash were neo-Nazis.

However, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

was not so lucky.

Kate: I don't mean to be paranoid, but I think

someone logged on to my computer and changed

the screen saver because I have never been to Canada,

and this was like a picture of maple and mountains.

Oh. Quit daydreaming

about your fucking wife!

[ Laughter ]

Matt: Laura. Lauren.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica

♪ I love you Jessica.

♪ I love you You don't love Jessica!

Jake is wrong!

[ Whispering ] Soul mates are real.

She's not the one for you...

and you know that.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jennifer.

No, not Jennifer. Jessica. No, Laura.

Listen, everyone just shut up and let me think.

Okay, Jake, you win the big bet.

I have a crush on Jessica.

I guess I never really did love Laura.

I don't know. I think she was the one.

I don't care if he's in jail,

he's still Hampton DeVille's top lawyer.

John, you wanted to see me.

Yes. Kate, I've spent the whole morning

putting together something you're going to want to see.

[ Sighs ]

These are my wife's seven brothers.

Randall, Robert, Roger, Ronald, Richard, Ryan, and Ray.

Technically, they're a litter, and they're all single,

if you can believe it.

Now, Randall is a little off,

but once you get to know him, it's actually really funny.

Like a deer that thinks it's a cat.

[ Sighs ] John, why have you done this?

Kate, my wife knows all about our sexual history.

I told her every lurid detail, and she got mad.

We had efficient sex one time at a corporate retreat.

It's no big deal. Also, why is Gary here?

I asked him to be our chaperone.

I could not tell my fucking wife that I was

at a meal alone with another woman.

-[ Scoffs ] -This is not a meal.

I'm eating.

Look, I didn't want to get into this

in front of Gary, but...

I'm a little worried that you still have

feelings for me.

And I just think it would put everyone's

mind at ease if you were in a committed relationship.

Now, my suggestion is Ryan 'cause he's a great kisser.

Gary prefers Robert.

But whatever you do, don't pick Randall.

I just don't think you're his type.

John, how do I put this harshly?

The moment your penis left my body,

it was as if it had never been there.

[ Laughing ] Ouch!

So why don't we table this discussion forever

and get back to work.

[ Intercom beeps ]Woman: John, your fucking wife

is on line 1.

It's probably an emergency.

Hey, honey-boo-boo-bear.

Oh, honey-bear?

W-- Hello? Boo-boo?

-[ Scoffs ] -Oh, you got some bad reception

there, honey-bear.

[ Baby voice ] Can you take your little

koala feet and just scurry up a little twee

so you can talk to me better?

[ Classical music plays ]

♪♪

Hey, Jessica.

I was wondering, i-if you ever want to go out

for coffee sometime or...

[ Dramatic chord strikes ]

Hey, I thought you drank cold brew.

Oh, yeah, I stopped drinking cold brew.

Got tired of it.

I'm the type of person who could eat pizza

every single day and then wake up one morning

and hate pizza. But that's why I --

I'm sorry, I have to stop you right there.

That's not the type of person I am.

I love...pizza.

And I will always love pizza.

It was just an example. I do love pizza.

But...you were gonna ask me something?

[ Scoffs ]

Not anymore.

[ Triumphant music plays ]

♪♪

You lose, Jake.

I don't love Jessica,

which proves that I do looooovvve...

...Laura.

Jake: Matt, I'm sorry I made fun of your crush.

The truth is, I have a crush of my own.

You do? Who is it?

Jessica?!

She's the one who's there.

I also had a crush on Laura.

Wow.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Dramatic chord strikes ]

John, I owe you an apology.

The other day, we didn't adequately celebrate

your newfound love.

But I have a little surprise for everyone.

I'd like to make a toast.

Now, uh...[chuckles] occasions like this,

they remind me of a little joke I like to tell.

Now stop me if you've heard this one.

[ Laughter ]

There was once a man,

and he met a woman, and they fell in love.

So, they got married, and then they bought a house,

and they had three children.

And as marriages go, they had their ups and their downs.

Whenever the guys at work would ask him why he

and his wife fought so much, he'd respond,

"Well, I don't know.

She never tells me."

[ Laughter ]

Turns out, uh, what they were fighting about was the man's

rampant infidelity.

So, he abandoned that family,

and then he got a new wife.

And then, they bought a house

and had three children of their own.

And as marriages go, they had their ups and their downs.

Well, one day after a particularly long day at work,

his wife came to him and she asked him, she said,

"Honey, why is it that you always have to work so late?"

To which he replied, "Because I'm busy..."

[ Laughter ]

"...having sex with my secretary...

and your brothers."

[ Ominous chord strikes ]

So, he abandoned that family,

and then he got a civil union with one of her brothers.

And then they bought a house, and then, uh, well,

eventually he abandoned that family,

and then he got a new wife and then they bought a house

and had three children of their own,

and, uh, so one and so on.

And for years, he continued this vicious cycle

of marriage, children, infidelity,

and real estate acquisition.

Until finally, one day, he was lying on his death bed, dying.

And his wife turned to him and she asked him, she said,

"Honey, can you tell me, what have you learned

during your life here on Earth?"

To which he replied...

"I've learned that love isn't real,

but I love

having sex with your sisters and brothers."

And then he died,

and his body evacuated its waste.

[ Breathing shakily ]

What, you've never heard that one?

[ Laughter ]

[ Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" plays ]

Well, anyway, to John...

And his fucking wife!

[ Laughter ]

Mmm.

I'm a full man. I got a spouse and an old ball and chain.

We were actually fighting last night --

Who's the ball, and who's the chain?

And we're like, "I think we're both both,

and I think maybe that's why it works so well."

We're not thinking about kids, but we're not not.

We might start with a salamander or something.

She loves my birds already, so it's like --