Original subtitles

- Oh, Matt, that banana has brown spots on it.

- What? Oh.

Ew.

Who do you think designs these coffee cups?

- A failed art student in a massive amount of college debt.

- Feel like I never use my communications degree.

I mean, I guess I'm talking right now.

So that's something.

- I majored in English, and that should be illegal.

- Hey, guys.

Want to see the latest nightmare I've been living?

- I'd love to.

- This is HD-Whistle.

It's an anonymous whistle blowing app developed by HR.

If you see someone doing something bad,

you find the appropriate category, like embezzlement,

and click "whistle."

And then an upsetting amount of paperwork

magically appears on my desk.

- Why does it have to make that sound?

- I don't know.

It reminds me of walking by a construction site,

or any other place men are.

- Last night I had a dream.

Christian was giving me a performance review.

- Don't look at me, look down!

- And at the end, he fired me.

- You're fired.

- Then crushed my skull with his bare hands.

I was terrified.

But honored to be killed by someone I respect so much.

- Yeah. Christian can be a little intimidating.

Talking to him is like...

talking to a gun with an Ivy League education.

Clean as a whistle.

- Christian is approaching at a tremendous velocity.

- Oh, no. He's probably in a bad mood.

John?

- Kate, call everyone into the conference room.

I've got great news.

There's going to be a war.

- Oh. It's a war.

What a relief.

- The CIA is backing a military coup

to overthrow the Bolivian president.

And we have the chance to pitch ourselves

as the exclusive weapons supplier.

Hampton DeVille has never landed a full-scale war before--

well, unless you count the Falkland Islands.

But who does?

- Wow. 10:00 a.m. Monday morning and there's already a war.

I was really hoping to ease into this week.

- Wars are good. They create jobs,

prevent overpopulation, and benefit the rich and powerful,

which I plan to be one day.

- Did you just report somebody?

- That guy took his shoes off in a meeting.

Who does that?

- Why would you get someone in trouble for that?

- That guy is a racist. - He is?

- I mean, he's a white guy over the age of 50, so probably.

- Do you think we'll be racist when we're 50?

- Of course.

- Wow. That's a tough one to swallow.

- I'm still haunted by the Iraq war.

Stockheed Barton stole that contract

right out from underneath of us.

And for 15 years, I've had to watch the Middle East

be destabilized by another man's bombs.

But this is our chance for redemption.

Now I've already written a proposal.

All I need is for someone to turn it into a PowerPoint.

- I'm actually really good at PowerPoints.

- Here's my impression of a lost person.

"I'm actually really good at PowerPoint."

- You're damaging my self-esteem.

- Good. - Which one of you

will rise to the challenge?

- What are you doing? - You don't get it.

In high school, I was thePowerPoint guy.

Everyone would look forward to my PowerPoints.

- Anybody?

Oh, come on, people.

Are you PowerPoint proficient?

- I'm more than proficient.

I listed it as a special skill on my resume

right next to Microsoft Word and clarinet.

- Okay.

I'm putting my trust in you.

Don't let me down.

- Yes, sir.

- I am going to crush this PowerPoint.

In 11th grade, I did a PowerPoint

about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory that was so good

a girl gave me my first real hand job.

- Look, Karen's picking her nose.

Big mistake, Karen.

- This app is amazing.

I spent so much time at this company

trying to build myself up, when all along,

I should've just been tearing other people down.

- Matt, it was so brave of you to volunteer in there.

Like a Kamikaze pilot that wasn't asked to fly.

- Everything you need is on this.

- Oh, and Matt, please stop

throwing away bananas in the break room.

- ♪ Free - ♪ Life is a war

♪ Every day you gotta fight - ♪ Free

- ♪ You gotta fight real hard

♪ 'Cause you don't wanna lose the fight ♪

- ♪ Free

- ♪ Here we go, you gotta fight in the war to win ♪

♪ Lots of fighting, you're never gonna lose ♪

- Wait a second. What am I doing?

This is terrible.

- ♪ Said hey - There we go.

Perfect.

- ♪ You're the good guy so you get to win ♪

♪ You gotta win, believe - ♪ Hey

- ♪ It's all up to you

- Whoa. Watch where you're going, Levinson.

- Sorry, Baron.

- ♪ You're the good guy so you get to win ♪

♪ A war is a fight and you gotta win the fight ♪

♪ Believe in yourself and you'll make it through the fight ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

- At a certain point, I realized

I wasn't making conscious decisions.

The font choices were just flowing out of me,

and, uh, I wasn't even controlling it.

- Matt, we've been looking for you.

- We just reviewed your PowerPoint.

- Okay, keep in mind it was a first draft,

and I'm open to any changes.

- We loved it.

- Your PowerPoint is art.

Your decision to use bullets as bullet points...

- Genius.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I mean, it felt right, you know? But you never know.

- We're going to lunch with Christian and we want you

to be there to present your work.

- Oh, yeah, I--I love lunch, so that totally works on my end.

- And Jake, you need to go to HR.

- Somebody reported you for abusing the HD-Whistle app.

You can't report us for telling you that.

- You just told them you love lunch.

- I do love lunch.

- Yes, I'll have the lobster roulade

and a bottle of Chateau Montrose for the table.

- And for you, sir?

- Um, I'll have the...

Sheep labia? - Excellent choice.

- You're gonna love that. - It tastes just like chicken.

Except it's the genitals of another animal.

- So...

Let's see this PowerPoint everyone is raving about.

- Who blew the whistle on me, Grace?

Who's the rat? Tell me.

Tell me! Tell me.

- Telling you would violate my oath as an administrator

of Human Resources, and I would never do that

For less than $20.

- There. Now who was it?

- It was me. - Grace, why?

- Because you're creating a ton of work for me.

You blew the whistle on 23 people yesterday.

- Well, I'm sorry for exposing the truth like Edward Snowden.

- Please, you're nothing like Edward Snowden.

You lack his bravery, his integrity,

his raw sexuality.

- God, he's so hot. - God, he's so hot.

- I just wanna lick his glasses. - Wanna hack into his mainframe.

- I just wanna spoon him in the cold, Russian night.

- Anyway, this company does reprehensible things every day.

If you actually care,

find a real problem to blow the whistle on.

- Okay but what if I don't actually care?

- As you can see,

Hampton DeVille blows the competition away.

And star wipe... The end.

- God damn it. Now that...

is a PowerPoint.

- Thank you.

You know, I promised myself I would crush this,

and I did. - And the bullet bullet points,

brilliant. Um...

I'm sorry, remind me. What's your name again?

- Oh, shit. Here comes Stockheed.

- Christian, so nice to see you.

- Been a long time, Arthur. Surprised you're still alive.

- Surprised you can afford to eat here.

What do you have there?

- Oh, this is the sheep labia.

- It's nothing. Just a little PowerPoint.

- Ah, top secret.

I wonder if it's for the CIA.

You know, you're not the only company

to pitch the Bolivia contract.

- You may have won Iraq,

but your prices are as bloated as your prostate.

You won't win Bolivia.

- The CIA will never deal with Hampton DeVille.

Your products are not tested on the battlefield.

Nice font, kid.

- Oh, thanks, I-- - Not.

Not... Not... Not...

Think I'll leave you to your sheep labia.

- This font is all wrong.

This whole PowerPoint is a mess. Goddamn it.

- ♪ You're a loser

♪ Because you lost the fight

- As you can see,

Hampton DeVille blows the competition away.

And star wipe... The end.

So what'd you think? Christian's crazy not to use this, right?

- Uh... - Uh...

- The only slide I'm worried about is this one.

I mostly used Helvetica New,

but I tried mixing in some Palatino

just to get some serifs in there.

Does that work? - Yeah.

I think the fonts are fine.

My big note is that this...

is a war crime. - I agree.

And also, mixing those fonts did not work for me.

- You made a PowerPoint that is evidence

of the government colluding with a corporation

to start an illegal war.

How could you do this?

- Um, honestly, I was pretty focused on the fonts.

But now that you're pointing it out, wow.

Good note, Grace, and thank you for the constructive criticism.

- See, this is the type of thing

that you should be whistle-blowing.

- That's a great idea. We should leak this.

The fallout would be huge.

Top executives could get fired,

and then we could fill those spots.

- Yeah it's great how stopping a war would benefit you.

- Exactly, Grace. Matt, who do we know

who could anonymously leak this? Matt? Matt?

- Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about fonts again.

- Okay, so we're in a parking garage.

Why'd you bring me here?

- Well, we know that you're into, like,

the Internet and stuff, and, um, we were just wondering...

Are you in Anonymous?

- Before I answer that question,

I'm gonna need to make sure you're not wearing a wire.

- Satisfied?

- Just taking my clothes off in a parking garage.

Good. - See? No wire.

Just two perfectly average-sized dicks.

- Blackmail. All right.

- So you are in Anonymous, right?

- Of course I'm in Anonymous, everybody knows that.

- Okay, well, hypothetically,

if we had some sensitive documents

involving Hampton DeVille and the CIA,

could you help us leak those?

- That is within my powers, yes.

- Everything you need is on this,

including a very exceptional PowerPoint

that I worked very hard on

that you will want to feature prominently.

- Okay, I'll check it out.

If it's all good, I'll release it tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.

- Why 11:00 a.m.? - By 11:00 a.m.,

everyone's at work, bored, surfing the Internet,

looking for something to be outraged about.

- Someone's coming!

- That's my car.

- Sorry, just having a secret meeting.

- No, no, no, this is all wrong.

Try Marker Felt.

Oh, looks terrible. Okay, um...

Do Bookman Old Style.

- Old style? - Old style.

No, too old. - Too old.

- Ancient. - It's ancient.

- Papyrus. - Delicious.

- Oh, God, no. Try...Wingdings.

- A classic.

- Oh, no, wait, we already tried this one.

- Oh, Jesus. - Christian.

I don't think the font is the problem.

Stockheed was just trying to get into your head.

It was psychological warfare. - Fair enough.

But Stockheed is right about our products being untested.

No, if we want to start a war,

we're going to need more than a PowerPoint.

We're going to need soldiers.

- Okay, you ready to change the world?

- Yeah.

- Okay, we did it.

- And you're positive they won't be able

to trace this back to us? - Not to you.

But they'll definitely trace it back to Jake.

- What? - Oh, yeah.

They'll track your computer's IP address.

They're really fast with that these days.

You're gonna want to leave the country.

There's a ticket to the Ukraine waiting for you

at the airport under the name Ralph Schnader.

You can reimburse me on Bitcoin.

Good luck.

- Matt, there's so many things

I never got the chance to say to you,

but they're pretty mean, so I won't.

Feed my cat.

- Hey, Matt, great news. Christian changed his mind.

He wants to use your PowerPoint.

- We're all about to leave for the CIA Blacksite,

so grab your stuff, let's go.

- Have fun at the pitch. See you guys later.

- Actually, Jake, Christian wants you at the meeting too.

- Christian wants me at the meeting?

- He asked for you both by physical description.

- Two white guys with no other discernible features.

- So you want to go to war.

But you don't want it to cost an arm and a leg.

This is Hampton DeVille.

Those competitors that say size doesn't matter?

It does.

Cost-effective carnage. What more needs to be said?

Creatively evading the Geneva Convention.

Who wants to worry about all those persnickety laws?

All you need to remember is we are the good guys,

and you get to win.

First, I just want to say you guys all look great.

Black is such a slimming color.

You look so handsome and beautiful.

- You get twice the destruction at half the price.

- And we will match any competitor's blast radius.

That is a Hampton DeVille guarantee.

- And as you can see,

Hampton DeVille blows the competition away.

And star wipe.

The end.

- I loved the bullet bullet points.

- Before we finish, I'd like to invite up

two of Hampton DeVille's most valued employees.

This is Tom.

And this is Jerry.

And we're going to do a little demonstration for you.

Why should you trust a company whose weapons are completely

untested on the battlefield?

Because at Hampton DeVille, we believe in our products.

Now these vests use half the Kevlar

of normal bulletproof vests which allows us

to keep costs down and pass the savings on to you.

This is also an opportunity to show off our HD200 sniper rifle

with optional laser sights.

We made the barrel 60% thinner than our leading competitor.

It dramatically reduces the costs

with only a minimal decrease in accuracy.

These men believe in Hampton DeVille.

And after this demonstration, I know you will too.

- Mr. DeVille, I don't think this is necessary.

- Ready...

- They're gonna call our bluff, right?

- Christian promised they would,

but God damn it, I hope they don't.

- Aim...

- All right, you've convinced us.

- Which eye do you close?

- Honestly, I can't help but feel

that I deserve this.

- I am so sorry. I don't know how

to turn off Facebook notifications on this phone.

Oh, good lord.

Hampton DeVille has been hacked!

This entire PowerPoint is on Facebook.

- Ah, man, this sucks.

Now everybody knows about our secret war!

- Oh, look, he's awake.

I gotta get outta here. They're gonna be coming for me.

- No, Jake, I hid your IP address.

They'll never be able to trace this back to you.

- Then why did you tell me they would?

- Because you reported me on HD-Whistle,

you power hungry psycho weasel.

- How did you find out?

- Just paid Grace 10 bucks.

- You made me pay 20. - Learn to negotiate.

- You two better watch what you say.

Because if anyone ever connects this leak back to me,

you're going viral.

Wow, if you put the two of those together,

they'd make one great dick.

- The good news is that because of the leak,

there's no way the CIA is gonna go through with the war.

- Great news. There's going to be several wars.

- Countries who thought they couldn't afford to go to war

saw our PowerPoint and now realize they can.

- Huh. So I prevented a war but caused multiple wars?

- Yeah, but it seems like a lot of people liked your PowerPoint.

And those people are terrorists.

- And the best part is, because the CIA called off the coup,

we cockblocked those Stockheed assholes.

This is a big win for everyone at Hampton DeVille.

But I will never forget the names of the people

who helped me the most.

Anonymous.

- Garamond Bold.

- I love a good Garamond. - Damn it, that looks terrible.

No, okay, um... Calibri.

- Ah, very nice. - No. No, no, no, no.

- Sucks. - Century Gothic Bold.