Original subtitles

- Bad news. They said no.

- What? I thought we had a deal!

What about our guy on the inside?

- They got to our guy.

He told me to fuck myself!

Really hurt my feelings!

- God damn it! - We should double the offer.

- No, it's beyond money.

This is between me and Taylor.

Call the chopper.

[heavy rock music]

♪ ♪

[door slams]

Okay, Taylor, I get it.

I did it to you, so now you're doing it to me.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I'm begging you.

Please.

Please just... name your price.

[foreboding music]

- Tell me you want it.

- I want it.

- Tell me you need it.

- I need it.

- What do you need?

- I need the global streaming rights

to "Gilmore Girls."

- [sighs deeply]

Raise your hand if you're subscribed

to Hampton DeVille's new streaming platform,

Hampton DeView.

[dramatic string music]

Rory and Lorelai deserve better

than that shit swamp you call a streaming platform.

Which is why I made a deal with Viacom this morning.

"Gilmore Girls" will be streaming on

Pluto TV within the hour.

- No.

- See you at the Emmys.

Not.

[laughter]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Who here subscribes to Hampton DeView?

Fucking liars!

If you want to sell a toothbrush in the 21st century,

you need an Emmy-nominated TV show

just so fucking Joe Shmoe will visit your website.

There's a content war going on,

and we're fighting it with "Sticks and Stones,"

and nobody's even watching that show!

If you all want to keep working for this company,

you will go home tonight, subscribe to Hampton DeView,

and then binge our content until you purge!

- [clears throat] Um, Christian?

I know they're--they're technically our competition,

but tonight is the series finale of "Society Tomorrow."

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, my God. How could I forget?

- [exhales sharply]

- It's had me on the edge all season.

O-okay, let's table the subscriber conversation.

I want to talk theories.

- Yes! - Not this shit again.

- I have a theory.

Camilla will die.

Jeremy will lose his virginity to...

Maggie... - [gasps]

- Who will then be named

the most special person in the universe.

- Ooh, that's pretty good.

You know, they've been planting seeds

about how horny Jeremy is since the beginning,

and yet we've never seen him fuck.

- Right, right, but will they show it?

- Kevin, we've known this character since he was a child.

- Sure, but now he's all grown up.

And I, for one, wanna see what he's got.

- Well, have fun being let down by the finale tonight.

I'll be babysitting my niece

and introducing her to things that are actually good.

- The thought of you having any influence

over a child is frightening.

- Are you kidding me? I was born to be a cool uncle.

I get to download all my pop culture opinions

onto an impressionable child's brain

and then never have to take care of it.

- I heard the finale is four hours long.

- Mm.

- I hope to God that's enough time

to tie up all the loose ends.

- Yes! - Right, but not too neatly.

I wanna be surprised. - Yeah, but not too surprised.

- Right. - [laughs]

- The Walking Beds! - The Talking Heads.

- The Talking Deads. - All right, I'll take it.

- Thank you so much for watching her.

I should be back in about four hours.

Well, maybe closer six with the aftershow.

Here you go. - No problem.

We're gonna have fun.

So Stelly-Belly, what do you think?

You wanna watch a Miyazaki film?

Or even better, "Summer Catch"

starring Freddie Prinze Jr.?

- I thought you wanted to brainwash her

into having good taste.

- Freddie Prinze Jr. was the James Dean of our generation.

- He died in a car accident?

- I wanna watch "Pickles 4 Breakfast."

- What the hell is "Pickles 4 Breakfast"?

- You should know. Your company makes it.

Bye, love you. Have fun!

[electronic beep]

- You guys are the only people I know

who subscribe to Hampton DeView.

- I'm using my friend's password.

I would never pay for it.

- Okay, Stelly-Belly, let's make a deal.

First we watch "Pickles 4 Breakfast,"

but then I get to introduce you to "Summer Catch"

starring Freddie Prinze Jr.--

- No! Only "Pickles 4 Breakfast"!

[cheerful music]

- ♪ Pickles for breakfast ♪ - ♪ Yes, Mommy ♪

♪ I want pickles every day ♪

- ♪ Do you love pickles? ♪ - ♪ Yes, Mommy ♪

♪ I love pickles in every way ♪

[pickle crunches]

- That is not what breakfast is like.

- Shush!

- ♪ Look out for the bad bird ♪

♪ For it will steal your pickle ♪

- ♪ Yes, Mommy ♪

♪ If the bird steals the pickle ♪

♪ I'll kill it with a sickle ♪

[sickle slicing]

[bird squawking]

[baby laughs]

- This is...weird.

- Uncle Jakey, can I have a pickle?

- You can't have a pickle. - You're a bird!

- I am not a bird.

- Then why can't I have a pickle?

- Because pickles are a lunch side.

- Pickle, pickle, pickle!

I'm gonna kill you with my sickle!

[sickle slices and bird squawks]

- ♪ Every day ♪ [laughs]

[ominous synth music]

♪ ♪

- Someone here is the most special person in the universe.

And if one of you doesn't tell me who that is,

well, then, I'll have to kill you all.

And wouldn't that be a darn shame?

[laughs]

[laser shot rings]

- Oh, shit, it's Joshua! - He's back from the past!

- He's got a beard now. - I knew it.

- Everyone, shut the fuck up and listen to Joshua.

- Oh, shit, it's Joshua! - Back from the past!

- And he has a beard now. - I knew it.

- Shut the fuck up and listen to Joshua.

- I traveled through a million millennia,

won, lost, and tied countless wars,

and even lost my virginity along the way,

which, frankly, was a little underwhelming.

But I did it all in order to get back here and tell you

that I am not the most special person in the universe.

[light dramatic music]

You are, Maggie.

- I knew it. The future is female.

[laser shot rings]

[gasps and stunned murmurs]

- No, the future is robots.

And lucky for me...

[robotic voice] I am the most special robot

in the universe.

[ominous synth music]

[laser shots ringing]

- [shouts]

♪ ♪

- Pretty fucking cool, right?

[bright chime]

[dramatic synth music]

- Amazing.

- Boo! - Boo!

[jeering and yelling]

- They didn't even show anything!

- Boo!

- Yeah! Boo!

Hiss, crackle, pop! - Damn it!

- [screams]

- Go and ruined the show in the last episode.

- Well, I think we can all agree that last night's finale

was a complete and utter train wreck.

- There were four perfectly good virgins,

and none of them got laid.

- At the very least

they could've shown somebody yanking it.

- And that's why this morning, I made a few calls,

pulled a few strings, massaged a few backs,

and may have found a way for Hampton DeVille

to buy the rights to "Society Tomorrow."

- [gasps] - Yes!

- Which means we could remake the finale,

and this time, do it right.

- [gasps] Oh, my God, Jake!

- Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

- Hold on, hold on, because to be honest,

well, it-- it is not a good deal.

They're asking for $2.3 billion,

which means we need to make some major sacrifices.

No more free food for employees.

- That's fine. - We have to downgrade

everyone's health insurance to,

well, no health insurance. - Wait, what?

- And We're talking about massive layoffs,

at least 30% across the board,

and no severance for anyone either.

So with all of that in mind, what do we think?

- Take the deal!

- Please, Christian, for the love of God!

- Please, please!

- Okay, good, because I already did it!

[cheering]

- [screaming] - Yeah!

[indistinct excited chatter]

- I love content. I love branded content.

[triumphant music]

[pickle squelches]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[children yelling]

- Welcome to team "Society Tomorrow."

- Yes! Oh, boy, this is exciting.

Last night, my parents called me for the first time

since 9/11 to pitch me a storyline for the new finale!

It had unsettling racist overtones,

but it was nice to hear their voices.

- You're all here because you scored highest

on the "Society Tomorrow" fan quiz

that we sent out to every employee in the company.

- And because we all hated that dumbass ending

that wasn't amazing in any way whatsoever.

- Exactly.

- Our job will be to make a new finale

for the fans, by the fans.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- So I have a few ideas that I think

everyone in this room will love.

First, Joshua should not come back from the past, okay?

That is a total cop-out.

Second, I strongly believe that there are three people

who should lose their virginities.

- Are you gonna show it? - Absolutely.

- Yes! - Third.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

This isn't some Hollywood writers' room.

- No.

- What we're doing here is collecting

and analyzing the data.

- Baron has been gathering heaps

of luscious "Society Tomorrow" fan data.

Reddit, the dark web, the secret Internet.

Any place where there are opinions

and illegal pornography.

How's that fan data looking, Baron?

- It's an indictment of humanity on par

with how we treated Britney Spears.

- Great. - Perfect.

- We'll use that data to find out

what the fans want and give it to them!

- The fans vomit, we eat the vomit,

then we simply vomit that vomit back into the fans' mouths.

[laughs]

- I'm a fan. What about my vomit?

[ominous synth music]

[light tense music]

♪ ♪

[foreboding music]

♪ ♪

- Excuse me. What the hell happened here?

- Oh, they laid off everyone Hampton DeView except for me

because I'm the only one who really matters.

- What do you do? - I design thumbnails.

Yup, it's the most important art form in the 21st century.

A good thumbnail draws in the viewer like a siren.

It's the first little taste that gets them hooked.

Honestly, I consider it an advanced form of mass hypnosis.

You know when people were, like, wearing bootcut jeans?

Yeah. - So you're the one responsible

for getting my niece hooked on "Pickles 4 Breakfast."

- You know that's the single most watched

piece of content on Hampton DeView?

That "Pickles 4 Breakfast" thumbnail

is my pièce de résistance. [moans]

- Can you at least tell me the name of the sick fuck

who makes "Pickles 4 Breakfast"?

- It's this company called Stravinsky.

They just sent over 50 new episodes this morning, so.

Whoo! [laughs]

That show is about to take over the world.

[ominous synth music]

- So then Joshua dies.

[laser shot rings]

- But then a second Joshua from the future

kills the humanoid robot.

- I also lost my virginity.

[laser shot rings]

- Future Josh announces the most special person

in the universe is a tie...

- It's a tie.

- Between himself and Camilla.

[clapping]

- Camilla and Future Joshua end up

losing their virginities to each other.

- And we do show it. - Bingo.

[applause]

- But then Camilla remembers she's a robot.

- Oh, that's right.

[robotic voice] I forgot.

- But due to her love for Joshua,

she overrides her robot brain and turns the gun on herself.

[laser shot rings]

- The end. - Yes.

- So that's that. - Yeah.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

- According to the data, that's what the fans want.

- Good!

- You know, I didn't think it was possible,

but this new ending is even worse than the original!

- Whoa. Now you're talking crazy.

[foreboding music]

- Please, I'm begging you.

If you would just listen to me, I know how the show should end.

- You think you know better than the data?

Well, then you must be the most special person in the universe.

- Well, better me than Camilla! - You know what, Matt?

I had my own ideas about the end of "Society Tomorrow."

So did my racist parents.

But we have to put our emotions aside,

be like the robots in "Society Tomorrow,"

and trust the data!

- The data is evil.

Just look at what it's done to Baron!

- Robots can't have beards. - I hate Camilla.

- I wanna see what they've got.

- He wasn't even a virgin. - I live in my mom's basement.

- "Society Tomorrow" should have feature

full penetration.

- How dare you denigrate the data?

Get out of here! You're off the team!

- Fine.

But I will not stand idly by

and let you ruin the thing

that I care most about in this world!

Well, they want Joshua to be deflowered by a robot.

- What?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[elevator dings]

- What are you doing here?

- I'm here about "Pickles 4 Breakfast."

I work at Hampton DeVille.

- Huh. I used to work there.

I left a few years back to create my own start-up,

and now I sell content back to you guys.

- So you make "Pickles 4 Breakfast."

- No. They do.

- They?

- I'm sorry, I didn't wanna gender the algorithm.

"Pickles 4 Breakfast" is made by a computer.

[ominous synth music]

- And so, in a last-second twist,

Jeremy, Xavier, and Boris

will all lose their virginities to each other,

but not in a three-way,

which causes Camilla to die of old age.

Which means the most special person in the universe

is...Maggie.

Who is now paralyzed from the waist down.

The end.

- Boo! - No.

- Nuts! - Nope.

- No way. - Hiss, snap, crackle, pop.

That's even worse than the original.

- But that's impossible,

because that was the worst ending ever.

- Okay, then, Chicken Pox. How do you want it to end?

- Well...

Camilla could kill Maggie.

And then Future Joshua...

Oh, fuck it!

I liked the original ending.

[shocked gasps]

I even watched it again

to try to find something wrong with it,

but I picked up new things on the rewatch.

The only reason I even joined this stupid team

is so that I wouldn't have to do a thousand exit interviews

for everyone who got laid off!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Maybe there is no perfect ending.

[light cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, my shingles are gone.

- ♪ Slap my face with your thick butt ♪

♪ Don't stop till I get pregnant ♪

- We released "Slap My Face with Your Thick Butt"

in New York City just last week,

and it's already number 33 on the charts!

[indistinct robotic vocals]

Pretty catchy, huh?

I can feed any kind of data into the algorithm--

music, art, animated kids' YouTube videos,

and it'll generate its own approximation.

- Kids' entertainment shouldn't be made by a machine.

And neither should music.

It should be made by musicians on drugs.

You have to put a stop to this.

My niece is eating 20 pickles a day.

- Stravinsky, play the "Rite of Spring."

[computer beeps]

[Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"]

When this ballet first premiered in 1913,

people hated it.

It was such an extreme step forward,

that when they heard it, they went berserk.

They bashed their heads up against the walls.

There were riots in the streets.

"Pickles 4 Breakfast" may terrify and confuse us,

but future generations will look on it as genius.

[computer beeps]

Oh, look.

Stravinsky finished rendering

50 more episodes of "Pickles 4 Breakfast."

You're looking at the most prolific artist

of the 21st century.

You think this is how they felt?

- Who? - The apes.

We must've been gods to them.

[unsettling music]

- I was a fool to think we could change the past.

Any ending we put out,

the fans will hate just as much as the original.

And those monsters will turn against us

like they did Freddie Prinze Jr.

We'll probably have to shutter Hampton DeView.

[solemn music]

But to be honest, what I'm most sad about...

♪ ♪

Is that "Society Tomorrow" is over.

Hmm.

You guys watching anything else good?

- I'm watching "Jew Pope."

Um, kind of a dumb premise, but it's okay.

- I've heard that's one of the better pope shows.

I keep meaning to check it out.

- My fucking wife and I are watching the new season of the

"Danish Dutch Oven Show." Anyone watching that?

- No, but I kn-- I know I should.

- Yeah.

- The media landscape has become fractured.

"Society Tomorrow" was the last show

we were all watching together.

- Have any of you watched "Pickles 4 Breakfast"?

- No, Jake, but we know we should.

- No, you shouldn't. It's made by an algorithm.

A computer with no regard for human life.

Every day it churns out hundreds of episodes

at virtually no cost,

which means artists won't have jobs anymore,

so they won't be able to afford drugs.

Children are murdering birds

and eating pickles for breakfast.

If you don't put a stop to it, it will never end.

- I just came up with the perfect ending

to "Society Tomorrow."

- I am the most special robot in the universe.

[suspenseful synth music]

[laser shot rings] [grunting]

- This is the same ending, isn't it?

- Exactly. - Yeah.

♪ ♪

- Pretty fucking cool, right?

[bright chime]

[laser shot rings]

- "Society Tomorrow" will not be ending.

It will live on forever.

There will be sequels, prequels, reboots, remakes,

and ill-advised spin-offs with side characters

that cannot possibly carry their own series.

We'll give the fans everything they want,

and much, much more.

We'll use an algorithm to churn out

hundreds of scripts a day at virtually no cost,

and you'll all keep watching even though there are

plenty of other better shows that people have recommended

that you know you should check out.

And sure, you'll all complain about how "Society Tomorrow"

used to be better, but that anger will unite you.

And so you'll keep watching, hoping it will end,

begging for it to end, and then you'll all die.

[children cheer]

And then your children will watch,

and then they'll die, and so on!

We're going to milk that creative IP

until the udder runs dry!

This is the future of content,

and content will never die!

[echoing] Die! Die! Die!

[children yelling]

[dramatic synth music]

[pickle crunches]

Die!

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Pickles for breakfast ♪ - ♪ Yes, Mommy ♪

♪ I want pickles every day ♪

- ♪ Do you love pickles? ♪ - ♪ Yes, Mommy ♪

♪ I love pickles in every way ♪

♪ ♪