Original subtitles

I wouldn't want to live his life, 'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life.

All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy...

find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success.

He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.

"I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."

I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

"That I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States."

That I will faithfully execute the office...

When you're young, your potential is infinite.

You might do anything, really.

You might be Einstein.

You might be DiMaggio.

Then you get to an age when what you might be...

gives way to what you have been.

You weren't Einstein.

You weren't anything.

That's a bad moment.

Chuck, it's Pen.

Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?

You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery.

It's great to see you, Pen.

You look beautiful.

This place is scary.

Yeah. The human psyche.

I came to take you back to California with me.

- No. - It's a lonely state without you.

I'm home, Red.

I can't wait forever for you to marry me.

Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to.

I love you so much.

You don't understand.

I don't even know why.

Penny.

Penny, Penny, Penny.

Listen, I gotta go, okay? I'm kind of busy right now, okay?

It was 1981...

and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel...

the Phoenix Hotel...

terrified of everything, ashamed of my life.

Until, finally, I realized my salvation...

might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.

Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale...

and maybe it would help me understand why.

When I was 11, I had an experience...

with my sister's friend Tuvia that left an indelible impression.

- Hey. - What?

- Tuvia. - What?

You want to lick it?

No. Why should I?

Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry.

My sister tells me you love strawberries.

Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.

No, I'm serious. It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.

I know that's not true.

- I bet you it does. - I bet you it doesn't.

I'll bet you a dollar.

Tuvia.

My first love.

Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.

The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed...

by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.

What are you doing?

Get off me!

And so I found myself in a downward spiral of debauchery...

endlessly chasing pussy.

My only focus in life... to get laid, to get blown...

trying to fool myself into believing...

that given the right combination of circumstances and deception...

maybe the Tuvias of the world could desire me the way I desired them.

I only wanted to be loved.

No.

The constant inarticulate rage led to bar fight after bar fight.

New York is a city of people...

the only state in the Union to stretch from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes.

Directly across the avenue is— You're right again.

I had heard that television was an industry with a future...

so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.

We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941...

and in 1953, NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network...

during The Colgate Comedy Hour.

Now we'll have a look at the studio where they produce The Today Show...

which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.

Excuse me, miss.

Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page?

Such as The Perry Como Show, which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30.

The Nat King Cole Show...

which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8:00 P.M.

And hold on one second.

Okay.

And my personal favorite, The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney.

Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00.

And of course, The Steve Allen Show which delights us every Sunday at 8:00.

You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen...

actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me.

You know Raymond, in accounting? He's kind of cute, huh?

Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann...

but what you want is a man who's going places...

a go-getter on the management fast track.

What about Mr. Waters?

Yeah, management training application, please, ma'am.

How many people have applied for this so far?

Let's see. Including you? About 2,000.

- For how many positions? - Five.

Thanks, ma'am.

Sometimes, as a younger man, I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.

- Tell me again! - Head of network sales at 30.

Head of the entire network by 40!

I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris, management trainee.

Life was sweet.

For a minute.

Everything's either madly exciting or madly interesting.

I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.

I got fired today.

Fired?

Yeah, fired.

Fired?

What the fuck did you get fired for?

I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.

Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.

I'm pregnant.

So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.

I intend to be important, you know? I can't be saddled with this.

But then I remembered something Carlyle said.

"Do the duty which lies nearest thee."

- So you see... - Who's Carlyle?

Dear God. Why do I even bother?

Fuck you, you condescending prick.

Pregnant?

Yeah, pregnant.

Fuck you.

What the fuck did you get pregnant for?

Fuck you.

What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for?

You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!

- Well, fuck you! - Fuck you.

- Fuckin'— - Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck you.

Looks like I was just late.

Yes, we had a great time.

The crew loved him and loved the show, you know? Because it was crazy.

And we could do anything we wanted to, sort of.

And, yeah, they liked him very much.

He was a good guy.

Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy too.

"What is labeled a dream faculty.

Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this?"

You read it, all right?

"Principal Sal Mineo, Vice Principal Tony Perkins."

Couldn't you see going to a school where Sal Mineo is the principal?

In '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC.

It was during the music payola scandal...

so myjob was to commute to Philly every day...

to the American Bandstand tapings to keep an eye on Dick Clark.

One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go...

and suppose we make it this one, okay?

On weekends, I used to hang around amusement parks...

because that's where the young girls were.

I wrote a song about my experiences.

When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel

I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon through my friendship with Dick Clark.

Dick really wanted to help me out.

Hi.

- What? - Hi.

I wrote this song.

It's number three on the pop charts.

See?

Yeah.

I believe there's a great future in television.

So I'm gonna take my royalties and I'm gonna create a pilot.

A pilot's what they call a test TV show.

I work in TV.

Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck.

- Debbie. - Debbie.

So, you live in Philly?

No, I live in Manhattan.

It's gonna be a game show.

I believe there's a great future in game shows.

That's good.

Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?

- I don't know. - Well, they do.

Well, that's great then.

I'm on my way.

Hello.

Hi.

Don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.

Yeah, I figured that. Hungry?

No, thanks.

Thirsty?

Sure, if you have a beer or...

How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know.

It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.

No problem.

I just got fucked by this drummer cat- a real righteous Negro hipster.

Interesting.

I'm into the brotherhood of man. I fucked an Oriental last week.

- What are you? - Jew.

I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.

You look Ashke-nazi.

- Ashkenazi. - Right, Ashke-nazi.

- I haven't had one of those yet. - You're romantic.

I just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks.

- I know what you mean. - You know what I mean?

Besides, you just give your heart to one cat and you get hurt.

Don't I know it.

We could ball if you want.

That would be good.

Yeah, but-

I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right.

That's true. I didn't think of that.

Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you.

Hey, what's your name?

I'm Penny.

I'm Chuck.

- Chuck Barris. - Yeah.

Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.

- I really like that song. - Thanks.

Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.

Right.

Last night in my dream, this ape and I are sitting staring at each other...

and it was across time and evolution.

And then he started talking, but in a language I didn't really understand.

Swiss, maybe.

And then he turned into Perry Como- real square.

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.

Just because we fucked doesn't mean there are strings now.

Okay.

I just wanted to tell you about my dream.

Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic.

I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit.

Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.

Don't worry. I'm not into those games either.

So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como, and I say...

- Holy fuck. - What?

Holy, holy fuck.

You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck!

A show about monkeys?

No, about people.

About sex, about romance, about the bullshit of dating.

I call it The Dating Game.

And that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg.

A pretty girl asks three handsome guys- who she can't see... silly questions.

And based on their answers...

she picks one to date, and we pay for the date.

That's it. That's the show.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- Hot damn! - What? What? What?

- They bought it! - Yeah!

They bought it!

They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot!

We gotta go celebrate! Let's go roller skating!

I can't! I got a date!

Okay, cool. Will you call me after?

- Okay! - Okay! Bye!

I figured I was in.

All I had to do was get the pilot made, and I'd be a millionaire.

Everyone would love me.

Was anyone ever so young?

- No. - No.

No.

All right. Lose it.

ABC didn't like The Dating Game.

They did like a show called Hootenanny.

I like this one.

Well, he led an amazingly long life.

Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.

What do they know?

That's long for a dog.

I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.

It's nine years to every one of ours.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about your show.

What? How long has he been dead?

Jesus, Phoebe, that's-

Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

- Is that your mom? - My sister.

Come here.

Oh, yeah. I got you these.

Listen, Pen, I'm not-

I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today.

- A what? - A psychic.

And she said that you are gonna be very successful.

- Really? - Very successful.

- Tarot cards? - Tea leaves.

Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.

Tuvia?

No, why would I have seen her?

- She did? - Who's Tuvia?

- To Manhattan? - Who's Tuvia?

Yeah.

Your niece.

Divorced? Really?

I didn't know she got married.

Yes?

Hi, Tuvia.

Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris.

What do you want?

I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe...

Jesus, you gotta be kidding.

We could go out and get an ice cream cone.

He's so convincing when he's talkin' with you.

He could convince you of anything.

He's one of the very few guys I'd like to have on my side in a street fight.

You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?

You're a pretty angry young fella.

- Can't fight worth a damn, though. - Hey, screw off, queer.

Don't think I haven't seen you watching me in that bar for a week now.

Kind of a loner, I'd say.

Fairly bright, a tad antisocial.

Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?

There's a school yard half a block down. Why don't you go trollin' there?

I can teach you at least 30 different ways...

to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris.

It might help in future bar fights. Just a thought.

And there's money in it— good money.

I figure if I can keep afloat...

until I come up with the next game show idea...

then all would be copacetic.

That sounds great, Chuck.

I've never known a television producer before. I'm impressed.

Yeah. Okay.

What's this money and a deal you were talking about?

I work for a government agency.

We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men...

to help us carry out our directives.

What kind of work? What government agency?

Problem-solving work.

The Office of Diplomatic Security.

Office of what? I never heard of it.

Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?

Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.

Jesus.

It is the fuckin' CIA?

Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.

Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me? You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?

Hardly. And you wouldn't be working for the company.

You'd be an independent contract agent.

Independent.

No official tie to any agency.

Understand?

Why me?

Well, as you know, I've been watching you. For quite some time, actually.

I've only let you know about it for the last week.

I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.

Are you interested in the work?

What's the profile?

Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris?

Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.

A contract agent, whatever.

Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women-

What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris.

It's essential in quelling the rise of communism...

and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold around the globe.

You understand?

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay. That's good.

There are several efficient methods for killing a man...

were you to find yourself without a weapon.

The edge of your hand against your adversary's Adam's apple.

This will crush his windpipe...

causing strangulation...

and death.

Shit!

I need another volunteer.

- You're training me to be a killer. - See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly bright.

I'm not killin' people. My future's in television.

You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing.

Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'.

- I have ideas for shows. - Good.

Why don't you spend another six months developing them...

while you're staring out the window waiting for Larry Goldberg to call.

- How do you know all this? - I know everything about you, Chuck.

I know which hand you jerk off with.

Left. Leave in the morning, if you want.

I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay.

You're making the world safer and your country will be grateful.

It'll toughen you up.

Wait a second!

Hey, we gotta talk about this.

And there it was... my defining moment.

I wasn'tjust gonna work for the CIA.

I was gonna kill for them.

Call it patriotism.

Glycerine is, of course, the best known nitrating agent.

Keep in mind, though, that nitro glycerine...

is extremely unstable.

A slight tap...

a one-degree change in temperature...

and it'll blow up in your hands.

So, let's mix us up a batch!

Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level...

with red-hot fumin' nitric acid-

98% concentration.

The field phone-

used as an instrument of interrogation or torture.

Attaching firmly to the genitalia.

Hey, Ivan!

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies?

All right, Jack.

Take care, Lee.

I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know.

I can't tell you.

Yeah.

I know some things about him that are very distressing, and—

and you wouldn't want to know them about him.

So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?

It's yourjob to follow directives, not question their validity.

Hermano, help me, please.

No, no. No, no.

Can I be of some assistance?

He's a bad guy.

He's one of the bad guys.

Bad for the US, right, Jim?

Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the US.

Don't fuckin' dance with me.

Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally.

You work for me. Renda's bad for me.

You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States ofJim Byrd.

There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything.

You don't play, you don't leave.

You understand that? You don't play, you don't leave.

I like you. I do.

And you're gonna do fine tomorrow, and we're gonna become good friends.

You can have a nice little career, but you have to grow up.

There's a war on.

Beautiful country, isn't it?

Yeah.

You did us proud today, Chuck.

Renda was a bad guy. He really was.

Chuck, is that you?

Jesus Christ, Pen! You scared the shit out of me.

- Were you throwing up? - What are you doing here?

I've been crashing here for a while. I've been waiting for you. Where you been?

Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.

You didn't drink the water, did you?

- Yeah. - You're not supposed to.

That's Montessori's revenge.

- Montezuma's. - Right.

You can't even open your eyes or your mouth when you take a shower there.

Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned?

- It's in the same ocean. - I don't know.

I'm a hippie now.

Wow. Great.

I've been to San Francisco, and it's amazing there.

Everybody loves everybody, and there's so many colors.

And we're gonna change the world.

Will you come back there and be my old man with me?

Well, not that old.

Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe-

Wait. Wait. I got to play you this song.

Penny, what did you do to my wall?

Some guy called— Gold bird.

Gold bird. Larry Goldberg? You're kidding me!

Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.

- Hi, Chuck. - Mr. Goldberg.

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.

Good for you.

Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things...

and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.

I think it might be right for you and your baby.

My baby, Mr. Goldberg?

Chuck, Dating Game. Isn't that your baby?

- Yes, sir, it is. - You still interested?

Yes, sir. Very interested, sir.

I've got six weeks to get this on the air. Is that doable for you and your people?

My people?

Six weeks? Sure, yeah.

Give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.

Goddamn.

Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss.

Who's Larry Goldberg?

Bachelor number one, what would I like most about you?

I'm very romantic, and I'd send you flowers every day.

That's so sweet.

Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?

My big cock.

Bachelor number one, what nationality are you?

My daddy is Welsh.

My mama's Hungarian.

So I guess that makes me well-hung.

Bachelor number two, I play the trombone.

If I blew you, what would you sound like?

What would I sound like?

All right.

That's nice. Don't stop.

Blow it, baby.

Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable.

Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous.

It's unscripted. That's its charm.

I can't help what people say.

Be that as it may, we can't have black men getting blowjobs on national television!

The point is not that he's black, Hank.

Well, I know that.

Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff.

If you can't retain your spontaneity on the show...

without this lewd conduct, it's over.

It's finished. You're history.

Fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem.

Hi, folks.

Before we begin taping today...

I'd like to introduce you to Mr. PeterJenks of the Federal Communications Commission.

Okay?

Thank you, Mr. Barris.

I don't know if any of you are aware of this...

but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks...

on a television network broadcast.

The penalty...

for this disgusting...

un-American...

behavior...

is one year in prison...

or a $10,000 fine...

or both!

Anyone...

making a sick subversive remark tonight...

will be arrested immediately.

I, then, will personally escort the offender to federal prison...

for booking under edict number 364...

of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.

And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.

Just you and me.

No witnesses!

Okay, have fun, everybody. All right.

They gave everybodyjackets with their names on them...

and when we got number-one ratings on Saturday nights...

everybody got a gold plaque.

And so, he was a good boss and obviously had the common touch...

because he really knew what people wanted to watch.

We aired and became a big hit. A phenomenon, really.

Hey, baby.

I got a story to tell you.

- Asshole. - I know, I know.

- I got a little story for you. - I'm busy.

We're in the middle of a bachelorette crisis out there.

Sit down. Relax.

Take a load off. Make yourself at home. I just got a call from the network.

- You want a drink? - You got any weed?

I wish. No, no weed.

Then I'll have a drink.

Bad news?

The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled from Saturday night.

Not Tammy.

They want me to put a prime-time version of The Dating Game on in its place.

- That's fucking great. - Yeah, it's great.

But they say the daytime version is not hot enough.

They want me to make it more exciting for nighttime.

I got 48 hours.

What have you got?

I don't have a clue. I got nothing. I got bupkus.

This is a big deal, Loretta. This could be my big break.

I know.

- Don't blow it. - Thanks for the help.

Let me ask you something, Chuck.

Jesus. What are you doing here?

I've been put in charge of a fairly large wet operation...

and I could use your help.

Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air.

I don't need to kill people for hire anymore.

I know you don't need to, but you like to.

Bullshit.

Think of it as a hobby... something you do to relax.

You can be an assassination enthusiast, a murder bug.

I got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you.

This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck— serious work.

How about I help you out with your little show...

you help me out with my little operation?

Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.

Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.

I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck, and I do have a thought.

What, now you're a big television producer?

I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV...

and that should make my opinion ofvalue to you.

- All right, let's hear it, then. - All right.

Some couple gets sent to some second-rate shit-can restaurant...

setting you back 50 bucks?

That's not too exciting a prize for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land.

- What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck.

Send them to some exotic locale... Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.

The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.

Send them with a chaperone.

That's...

- That's not half bad. - I'm telling you.

Sometimes you could be the chaperone.

Say we have a job for you in Austria.

You, a successful television producer chaperones a young couple.

While there, you take care of some company business.

It's a perfect cover.

TV producer by day, CIA operative at night.

I got money, Jim. I don't have to kill people for money anymore.

Chuck, when I said you fit the profile...

very little of that meant you needed the money.

You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes.

You liked it, but you botched it.

You could be a great warrior, Chuck.

Bachelor number three, if we were fixed up on a date...

and I ignored you, what would you do to win my affection?

This guy's never been on a date. Ready, four. Take four.

Well, I'm not used to being ignored, but I would give you your space.

The only date this guy's had is with his right hand.

Ready, one. Take one.

Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...

God, she's going for the three.

Ready, four. Take four.

The only way that you could be ugly is by what you say or do.

I don't know. From where I'm sitting, I think you're beautiful.

I can't believe it.

Bachelor number three...

can you please tell me what a girl is like who has never been on a date before...

and how you can tell?

Wel, I'll ask her what she likes to do...

and if she doesn't know what she likes to do...

then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.

Why don't you talk to her?

You can do that.

She's real shy.

You have to tell her. That's yourjob.

Tell her that that I think she's real pretty and I want to be her boyfriend.

I'm shy too. You got to tell her that, Chuck.

I used to skate when I was young.

I told her that. She didn't even look at me.

You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's yourjob.

She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys.

You're the chaperone, Chuck.

She called me gay.

I'm not gay. You got to tell her that.

You're not doing yourjob very well.

I know it takes time for people to get to know each other...

but this is ridiculous.

They thought he was-

They sort of walked a straight line, because they used to talk about him...

saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you."

And I never saw that side...

but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them.

Chuck?

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year.

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude even in a city full of people.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

By you.

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude even in a city full of people.

Hey.

I'm Chuck.

So I gathered.

And you are?

Here you are, Chuck.

At least give me a made-up name, something for me to cry out...

during those dark nights of the soul.

Cry out, "Olivia."

That's Twelfth Night.

Very good, Chuck.

I'm pleasantly surprised.

You're not like the other murderers.

Here.

Do you have it?

- Do you have it? - Sorry.

Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.

Yeah, just the same.

Sorry about your teeth.

Chuck?

Olivia?

It's Patricia, actually.

Then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos inside the antiwar movement...

nudging it towards violence to discredit it.

That was fun.

It sounds fun. It sounds fun.

So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come up here tonight?

I don't know.

You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and-

It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking...

calls out the name on your fake passport.

All the information I have about myself is from forged documents.

Nabokov.

Wait, wait.

I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something.

Leave the microfilm in, baby.

Chuck!

Do you know when my episode is going to air?

Okay. See you, Chuck. Bye.

- Chuck, this is Simon Oliver. - Hey.

Everything go okay? You don't look too good.

Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions...

by having a game show contestant standing around as a witness.

- Is that understood? - You're welcome, pal.

- Do I make myself clear? - Fuck you. They're my contestants.

You are a bloody amateur.

- You're a faggot. - Chuck.

Tell me, Mr. Barris. Are you in possession of my microfilm?

- Yeah, I got it. - Let's have it.

It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it?

What is this shit?

I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts here, Jim.

What do you think Patricia Watson was?

Prick.

Really? Okay.

He said he dated none of them. That's right.

- Sandra? - Six of them.

Six of them.

Well, if it isn't the hit man.

- What? - The hit man.

Surprise!

ABC's going to pick up The Newlywed Game! Daytime and prime time!

You're kidding me! Oh, my God!

That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic!

Here's the last of our five-point questions.

Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weirdest place...

that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.

The weirdest place. Olga?

Yes, Olga?

In the ass?

No, no. No, the...

It's still there.

What I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place.

The weirdest location.

I don't know.

Olga.

Olga, the weirdest... The location or place.

You know what I mean?

I liked Penny.

I even loved her, in my way.

But the idea of tying myself down for the rest of my life...

I remember my parents' marriage.

We need a new icebox.

The Newlywed Game was based on my theory...

that almost any American would sell out their spouse...

for a washer, dryer or a lawn moweryou can ride on.

Such was my respect for that most holy of unions.

- "Interpet." - Interpret.

- Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow? - I'm not going to give you a letter.

You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.

Okay.

You look cute today, Pen.

I always look cute. Don't distract me.

- What was I going to say? - I don't know. What were you going to say?

I think we should get married...

because we've known each other forever and we've fucked each other forever.

And you think I'm cute, you just said.

And you always come to me when you're in trouble...

and I'm nothing like your mother...

What does that mean? What is that?

I'm just kidding.

Don't ask me to marry you again, okay?

I couldn't breathe.

I was drowning.

And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it?

So I made a call.

Over here, strawberry dick.

How do you know those things?

We know what she actually thought it tasted like.

Really? I could never find that out.

That's on a need-to-know basis, my friend.

What can I do for you?

I really need something, Jim.

I need something for my head.

I got something for your head.

And you're going on your date to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.

The name's Hans Colbert.

Other side of the wall.

We don't like him very much.

You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler. He's been tailing Colbert for a month.

Knows the routine.

Keeler's a drunk, so stay sober and take charge.

It's done and done.

Kill for me, baby.

What are you writing, Sieg?

Just keeping track of anything that happens in the Clara-Zetkin-Strasse.

That's him.

Too many people.

Chuck. Chuck.

- All right. - Take the camera.

What is this?

What the—

- Take a picture. - Take a what?

Take a picture.

Picture. Come on.

Take a picture.

He would disappear for a week or so at a time...

and his secretary would just say he's out of town.

We didn't know where he went, so-

I don't know whether it's true or not.

I couldn't say.

The only reason the KGB didn't kill me...

was they needed me to trade for one of their Russian agents.

I promised myself if I got out of this, I'd live my life differently.

I'd throw myself into work, into life.

Penny.

I needed to see Penny again.

And tell Byrd I'm out for good.

If I could just make it past this one last man—

this one last...

I don't know what was worse...

that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor...

or that it took seven of us to replace him.

- You're still in one piece? - Where the fuck you been?

- Did you have a nice flight? - Fuck you! Where you been?

I got one contact, Jim, and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one.

You understand?

If I had a hammer

I'd a-hammer in the morning

I'd a-hammer in the evening

- She's good, huh? - She's very good. Very good.

That's great.

That's fine. Thank you so much.

But I can sing the whole song.

That was wonderful. Great.

That was enough. That was fine.

- All right. Bring in the next thing. - That was lovely. Thank you.

Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America with some talent.

- Hello. - Good morning.

I saw her in a little club in Westwood.

You're gonna love her.

If I had a hammer

I'd hammer in the morning

I'd hammer in the evening

All over this land

I'd hammer out danger

I'd hammer out a warning

I'd hammer out love between

My brothers and my sisters

All over this land

If I were a—

- No, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic!

That was great. We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Thank you.

We've been going about this all wrong.

Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts...

we just put bad ones and kill them.

Chuck, honestly, this— and I know you like them— this is torture.

No, no. We kill 'em before they're through.

As soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em dead!

Ladies and gentlemen, this act-

This is so good! I love this, man.

This next act answers the age-old question:

If you wear a cellophane... If you-

Okay. If you wear a cellophane suit...

can people clearly see you're nuts?

I don't know. A little humor, folks.

All the way from Pacoima...

Mick Donnelly!

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

Nothin' seems to fit, those

Raindrops are fallin' on my head

They keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun

And I said I didn't like the way he got things done

Sleepin' on the job, those...

Who could have known there were so many Americans...

just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV...

and make an ass out of themselves?

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red

Cryin's not for me, 'cause

I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

Because I'm—

We'll be back with more stuff...

right after this message.

You know what the sad part about it is...

Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television...

and the standards and all...

but he had a great feel for what people wanted...

and he couldn't take the criticism.

Things started to evolve pretty quickly.

The show was gaining momentum...

and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect... famous.

- You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah.

The Gong Show. I love that show.

Thanks.

Hi.

I thought that was you.

Yeah. It's me.

Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen The Gong Show.

Yeah, well-

I think you're the most insidious, despicable force in entertainment today.

How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome views of humanity.

Yeah, I don't think it's that loathsome.

What is it, then?

To mock some poor lonely people...

who are just craving a little attention in their lives to destroy them?

They're still people.

They still deserve a little respect and compassion.

Who the hell are you...

and what the fuck have you ever done to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?

Oh, that's right. You created The Dating Game.

Wow.

That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

Ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act-

That means...

it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine...

and just in time!

He represents more than just the decline of quality television.

In my opinion, Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society...

than people seem to realize.

Line one's for you, Chuck.

- Who is it? - Some guy.

He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin.

Hello.

Very gutsy, my neighbor.

I guess you heard about Oliver.

Someone changed sides.

What was so urgent?

I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite?

I'm in town for a day.

Now, assassins don't fraternize.

That Keeler was calling me could mean it was my turn to get hit.

I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.

How's show biz?

Well, it's hit-and-miss.

I got a new show called Operation: Entertainment...

which I believe is really, really gonna kill.

It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing, but it's weekly.

Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson.

Chuck.

Why do you do what you do?

I like to think that I bring joy and laughter to millions of people.

It's a very important thing, I think, in these difficult times.

I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet, but-

No, no.

Why do we do what we do?

Come on.

I got my feet wet in World War II.

Germany.

The pleasure of killing was exhilarating.

Later in life, I couldn't find a place to fill that void...

to get that same rush of energy.

So I started up my own business.

Gentlemen, are you ready to order?

I'll have a green salad, no dressing.

And for you, sir?

Can I get a steak? Rare.

Thank you.

Let me read you something.

"Whatsoever your hand finds to do, do it gladly...

because there is no work, love, knowledge...

or wisdom in the grave."

Who is that, Carlyle?

No, it's the Old Testament.

It's God.

It's amazing you should quote him. He's my hero.

Killing my first man...

was like making love to my first woman.

I remember every little detail-

the smell of his hair...

ice on the window...

wallpaper.

It's like entering a different time zone.

You're becoming an outsider...

isolating yourself.

You're condemned.

Condemned?

You have become...

their sadness...

and live in a different state of mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Gong Show...

Chuck Barris.

It's good to see you, Sieg.

Yeah. It'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

Happy birthday

I think.

To you

Happy birthday

Dear Chuckie

Happy birthday

To you

Is that right?

Yeah. That's real good.

That's real good.

So what's wrong, Chuck?

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

A guy I know killed himself last night.

A guy I know killed himself.

- Who was he? - You don't know him.

He's a stagehand.

Why did he do it?

He didn't like his work anymore.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Is being a stagehand really, really bad?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Hello?

You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago.

- Fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really?

- Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard.

- What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out.

Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?

He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but— Hey!

Who is this?

- I don't get stood up. Do you understand? - Fun! Excuse me.

So glad— Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me?

Are you serious? This is what I do for a living.

- What does she mean? - You're dead in my book, strawberry dick.

- Strawberry dick? What's that? - I'll see you around.

Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you.

Why don't you stay for a cocktail?

Penny-

And, you know, man-

I'm giving you one more chance. Get it?

Fuck.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help

Falling in love

With you

Take my hand

Take my whole life too

For I can't help

Falling in love

With you

For I can't help

Falling in love

With

You

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Line one for you, Chuck.

Thanks.

Yeah?

Keeler didn't kill himself.

He was murdered. Watch your back.

You can come in now, Mr. Flexner.

Chuck!

- Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod?

Well— Chuck, may I sit?

Hey, how's that redhead?

She's good, you know. Keeps...

Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk.

What's up, Rod?

Well, the thing is...

some of your old shows aren't doing so well in the old ratings war.

So I've been put in the unfortunate position...

of having to inform you that the network is canceling these shows.

Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.

I'm just the messenger.

This really is the hardest part of the job for me.

They killed my babies...

just like that.

I pushed them into the world through the birth canal of my imagination...

Iovingly, tenderly.

Where's the humanity of these people?

- Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em.

They're fucking bastards anyway.

Yeah. What am I gonna do now?

Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah. Feels so good.

Chuck?

- Chuck? - Fuck! Fuck!

Penny, fuck!

I came here to tell you I sold a painting.

That's great.

What's she doing here?

She's...

This is our house.

It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs.

But this is our house.

It's my house, Pen.

It's our house.

I found it with you. I decorated it with you.

I spent six fucking months waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.

I'm sorry.

You're such an asshole.

No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying.

Then what are you saying, Chuck?

Do you want me around or not?

Do you even like me?

Of course I like you.

Penny-

- How much? - What?

I need to know how much you like me.

I don't know what that means. How much?

How can I rate a person in that way?

You could if you felt it.

If you felt it, it would be easy.

You would just...

spread your arms as wide as they would go...

and say, "This much, Penny."

Everything—

Everything's complicated, Pen.

Nothing's black and white like that.

Do you want me around or not?

Because if you don't, it's okay. Just tell me.

Hey, hey.

I love you, Penny, in my way.

Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing...

but what is that anyway?

Romantic love-

isn't that just an illusion?

You just said you loved me, right?

- Hi, Chuck. - Hey, Jim, what do you want?

- How's work? - Great.

Any new game show ideas?

Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?

We need you to find the mole and take him out.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm done killing people.

I just want to entertain people.

I'm out.

No, you're not.

Hey, I got an idea.

If you want him so bad, why don't you do it?

Why don't you kill the mole?

You have a problem with killing, Jim?

I just don't fit the profile.

What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.

Okay. There's no profile.

- There's no profile. - Okay.

You had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord.

Your first hit.

Your mother always wanted a daughter.

She blamed you for your sister's death...

so until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl.

What else?

Your father, the dentist.

Not really your father.

Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor.

Among other things, he was a serial killer, a fact your mother didn't know...

when she had an affair with him in 1928.

- That's ridiculous. - Is it?

That's insane.

Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939.

I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you...

but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.

I don't have your files in front of me.

Come on, Jim.

I'm out.

As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.

How do I know it's not you?

You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.

You'll figure it out.

- Hey, Chuck. I- - Take it off.

Who are you? What's your name? What's your name?

Yeah.

That's the way it goes on TV.

Get off the stage. Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland!

Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, the prince of puns...

the wizard of whoopee!

The Unknown Comic!

Hey, Chuckie, baby!

Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you.

- Ajoke. - What?

What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

- I don't know. What? - Here's the guy!

- Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie.

- Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man.

Get the fuck out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next act—

First came...

to us... all the way...

Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.

Come on.

You like the way Mommy looks?

Yes.

I bet you'd like to be a mommy someday, wouldn't you?

Come here, you.

Sorry about your teeth.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Chuckie

Happy birthday to...

Come on. Take me away now.

Take me away.

What are you waitin' for?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

I see you. I know who you are.

What are you looking at?

Dear Penny...

this isjust a note to say that I'm sorry...

for all of it.

You were the best part of my life...

and I couldn't see it.

I'm not asking for another chance...

just for your forgiveness.

Love, Chuck.

Well...

Iook who comes out of hiding.

I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman...

in the world who really knows me.

I know I screwed you over in the past, and I'm sorry.

I just want you to know that...

I hate myself for how...

Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.

Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself still respects oneself as one who despises.

Shit, I never thought of that.

I can't even despise myself with any insight.

The insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan.

Very few have delusions of being...

a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.

All right.

What is this stuff?

I wanted to be a writer once.

I wanted to write something that someday some lesser person would quote...

but I never did.

I'm the lesser person, Trish.

I never said anything meaningful that wasn't said by somebody else first.

I am disposable.

I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck.

Yeah?

I've missed you.

You could have fooled me.

Well, I've mellowed.

Boston is a beautiful city.

We could start over here, normal life together.

Sell insurance.

Yeah! That sounds good. That sounds right.

Look at that.

I could learn to love that skyline.

Did you see I got your picture framed?

Yeah? Where?

- Look. - Hot dog!

To life.

You devil. Isn't that sweet?

Hey, what about splitting our time in New York?

Fuck. I just bit— It's just a-

No, that's too quick.

You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first.

God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.

It was just— Well, if I do say so myself.

I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.

Keeler was easy.

Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me.

Okay. Let's see.

Chuck, you've put on weight.

Come on.

I nearly blew it with Byrd.

Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.

Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole.

He was going to kill you. What an idiot.

"I'm not at all the person you and I took me for."

Sounds like an epitaph. Your handwriting, too.

You see, Chuck, I save everything.

All of your lovely notes.

You know what?

I like Carlyle best too.

I really do. Yeah.

Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.

To life.

My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.

I have written pop songs.

I have been a television producer.

I am responsible for polluting the airwaves...

with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.

In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.

We have come here today...

to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris in holy matrimony.

You all know Chuck Barris...

creator of The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game...

The Family Game, The Game Game...

Dream Girl of 1968...

Operation: Entertainment...

How's Your Mother-in-law and many others.

Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits...

as The Rah-Rah Show...

The $1.98 Beauty Show...

The Gong Show.

Chuck Barris, who I'm sure will be back soon...

with even more shows that will stimulate and educate...

and keep us on the edge of our seats.

All right, all right!

Congratulations!

Hey!

Thanks, thanks.

Thanks.

Danny, drive now!

Bye!

Penny, there's something I gotta confess, something I gotta tell ya.

Listen to me, Penny. You've known me for a long time-

As the host of The Dating Game, The Gong Show, Rah-Rah Show—

Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen.

I work for the CIA.

Do you understand? And I kill people.

I killed a lot of people.

You understand?

I killed a lot of people.

I came up with a new game show idea recently.

It's called The Old Game.

You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage.

They look back at their lives...

see who they were, what they accomplished...

how close they came to realizing their dreams.

The winner...

is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.

He gets a refrigerator.