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1
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,760
(Rhythmic drumming)
2
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,400
(Drumming becomes rapid)
3
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,480
(Grunts)
TAPPA TAPPA: Argh!
4
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,780
(Shoes tap softly)
5
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,880
Theme music
6
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,160
Welcome. Give me your hands.
7
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,500
(Breathes deeply)
8
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,260
Hmm.
9
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,360
Hmm.
10
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,700
Hmm. (Gasps)
11
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:41,140
The spirits tell me...
you are Aboriginal.
12
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,860
Yes. Yeah, you're spot on.
13
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,960
They are giving me a name...
14
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:52,500
Eddie Boy, Charlie Boy, Ray Boy?
15
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,740
Bala?
Bala, yes! Bala.
16
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,840
(Gasps softly)
17
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:05,500
I see a woman with a pokie addiction.
Your aunty.
18
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,600
Yes.
19
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,300
There is a young man,
a good football player.
20
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,860
A cousin maybe?
Yeah, yeah. Johnno. Johnno Junior.
21
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,860
(Gasps)
22
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,780
I see someone being pulled over
by the police
23
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,340
and going to court
for something minor.
24
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:25,780
Yes.
25
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:30,860
I see a kid
who is always wagging school
26
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,940
with his friends down by the river.
27
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:38,580
Yes, yes.
You... owe someone money.
28
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,360
Or someone owes you money?
29
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,520
Yes. Yes, I owe someone money.
30
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,720
They're sitting across the table
from me.
31
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,080
Eh?
I can't afford this.
32
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,000
Bet you didn't see that coming.
33
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,500
(Glass shatters, thudding)
34
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,800
Bet you didn't see that coming
either, dickhead!
35
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,620
(Indistinct chatter)
36
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:18,020
Hi, guys. I hope there's some
funny stuff coming out of this room.
37
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,500
Eh? That'd be great.
38
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,100
OK, well, I'm here to introduce you
39
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,580
to the newest addition
40
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,780
to your writing team, Ray.
41
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:31,940
And Ray is joining us as part of
the ABC's Bridging The Gap Program
42
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,040
that we've built
with the state correctional
43
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,060
and rehabilitation program.
44
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,220
Solid!
45
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,380
(Indistinct chatter)
46
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,660
And I know, um... (Chuckles)
47
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,820
I know you guys are gonna
really take good care of Ray,
48
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:49,860
and as his therapist tells me,
he's a pretty funny guy.
49
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,180
(Laughs nervously and sighs)
50
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,540
Why don't you take a seat, Ray?
51
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,240
Hey, brother, welcome.
Hi, Ray.
52
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,100
WRITER: OK, I've got an idea.
53
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,620
OK, so, a guy rocks up to a protest
with a lamb, right?
54
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,460
And everybody's like,
'Why do you have a lamb?'
55
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,540
And then he says,
'I thought you meant Lamb Rights.'
56
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,060
(Laughter)
57
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,940
What if... after that...
58
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,160
..he got smashed in the face
with a fuckin' brick!
59
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,940
(Beck chuckles nervously)
60
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,980
OK, that's a great first effort.
61
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,200
Um, I'm just going to put that up
on the board!
62
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,380
Let's just keep the ideas going!
63
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,480
(Whispering) I feel great.
Great first effort.
64
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,240
I feel like I just killed a bloke.
65
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,500
And then we go to an art gallery
66
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,620
and Tidda A says to Tidda B,
'Can't even appreciate fine art!'
67
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:55,060
And then Tidda B strikes up a pose
and goes, '(Gasps)
68
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,620
What's this, then, slut?'
69
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,880
(Laughter)
70
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,840
And then he gets smashed in the face
with a fuckin' brick!
71
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:14,800
(Chuckles nervously) We'll just put
that up on the board as well.
72
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,200
(Whispering) I'm on a roll.
73
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,120
Dad?
74
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,240
Yes, son?
75
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:42,700
Do you reckon if white people
didn't come to Australia,
76
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:47,840
us Aboriginals
would have invented Facebook?
77
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,920
Yeah.
78
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,480
And it would have been better.
79
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,040
Yeah.
80
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,120
Yeah.
81
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,500
(Text message tone)
82
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,540
Oi, I need you to go to the shop
and get bread and milk.
83
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,440
Selina! Now.
84
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,260
Just bread and milk.
85
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,360
(Music plays)
86
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,120
(Hums)
87
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,840
(Hums)
88
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,260
I can't believe that
someone ate my fuckin' yoghurt!
89
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,960
That's why I put my freaking name
on it!
90
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,260
Oh. Hi, Ray.
Hey.
91
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,100
So, how's the writing going?
Getting a bit done?
92
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,140
It's good. They reckon
I'm going to save this season.
93
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,100
Yeah, for sure.
I see you're eating yoghurt.
94
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,780
Yeah, it's my favourite.
Well, Ray, that's my yoghurt.
95
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:20,380
See, it's got my name on it.
That's 'Nakkiah'.
96
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,500
It tastes like the other yoghurts.
Tastes like Kath's and Mark's...
97
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,940
Well, the difference is
that's my yoghurt.
98
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,720
See, your yoghurt
has my spoon in it.
99
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,600
Hey, Steve.
100
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,200
You ready for this arvo?
You been rehearsing, bruss?
101
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,600
That's good. Alright.
102
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,700
See, now maybe you shouldn't put
103
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,000
your name on things
you're not eating,
104
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,240
then we won't have this confusion.
105
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,260
(Exhales)
106
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,440
(Phone rings)
Eh, you prick!
107
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,840
Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious
Solutions. How can I help you?
108
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,880
WOMAN: ON PHONE Yeah, hi.
My mother just put a hat on a table.
109
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960
We're just calling to see
if that's no good.
110
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,420
Yeah, it's no good, but you're lucky
that it's not proper no good.
111
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,980
This kind of stuff can be dealt with.
Oh, thank God.
112
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,080
We thought that maybe
it was a permanent curse
113
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,040
and that we were, you know, fucked.
114
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,020
Yeah-no,
this is just a level 1 curse.
115
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,280
Did you remove the hat straightaway?
WOMAN: Oh, immediately!
116
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,380
Then you have nothing to worry about.
Oh, praise the spirits.
117
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,480
Have you paid
your annual membership fees?
118
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,420
Of course.
Then the spirits are praised.
119
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,520
Thanks for your call.
120
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,100
(Soft rattling)
121
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,320
(Phone rings)
Oh!
122
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,880
Welcome to
Blackfella Superstitious Solutions.
123
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,700
How can I help you?
WOMAN: Yeah, hi, it's me again.
124
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,460
I forgot to mention that my mother
also put shoes on the table.
125
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:55,980
Ooh, that's a bit tricky.
126
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,380
Did she put them on at the same time
as the hat?
127
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,800
I believe she put them on
straight after I removed the hat.
128
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,140
What do you mean 'believe'?
Did she or didn't she?
129
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,560
I'm like 99% sure.
Then you have 1% chance of a curse.
130
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,460
Can you deal with that?
I can deal.
131
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,780
OK, did she put them on at the same
time or did the left hit first?
132
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,880
I think both at the same time.
133
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,980
You've got to work with me, sis.
This could be life or death.
134
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,120
Well, I only heard one clunk,
so I'd say both at the same time.
135
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,720
And you removed them straightaway?
As soon as they hit the table.
136
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,800
Did you wipe the table?
All over?
137
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,740
Cloth or tea towel?
Sponge. Is that OK?
138
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,840
Ooh, that's a bit dodgy.
What do you mean 'dodgy'?
139
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,180
Well, depends if you
used water or detergent.
140
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,080
Neither. It was a bit damp,
so I didn't think I needed anything.
141
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,700
OK, what you need to do
is take that table outside,
142
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,620
chop that shit up, and burn it.
143
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,740
But it's made of steel and glass!
144
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,660
Then I'm afraid
there's nothing I can do.
145
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,760
But there must be something?
146
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,480
I pay nearly $300
in membership fees.
147
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,680
And the spirits thank you. Bye.
148
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,300
(Blows and inhales)
149
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,480
(Coughs)
150
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,980
OK, here we go.
151
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:02,420
The wheels on the bus
go round and round...
152
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:03,900
Oh.
153
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,080
Hello.
Hey.
154
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,400
Er... this is our friend, Ray.
155
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,060
Where am I?
156
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,340
Oh, silly!
You're in Play School!
157
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,120
School? I can't be anywhere
near a fuckin' school!
158
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,240
Fuck!
159
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:29,240
Oh. Um... Sorry, Jemima.
Let's keep going.
160
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,060
So, Ginny, I hear
there was a bit of an incident.
161
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,460
Incident?
162
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,560
Anyone would think
I murdered someone
163
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,060
the way my boy's uptight, no-sense,
poxy, inbred in-laws acted.
164
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,540
Why, what happened?
165
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,520
Well, as you know,
it was my grandson's 1st birthday.
166
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,720
And to tell you the truth,
I wasn't gonna go,
167
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,720
but, as always, I decided
to be the bigger person.
168
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,300
Oh, you're so forgiving, Ginny.
169
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,400
Especially after they kicked you out
of their house
170
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,540
last time you was there.
I know, right?
171
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:01,020
So, anyway, I go to their house
with present in hand,
172
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,240
and they're even lucky
to get a present off me.
173
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,020
Proper lucky!
174
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,680
So I walk in all smiling-like and
I put my presents with the others.
175
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,540
And of all the people,
my boy's mother-in-law
176
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,860
comes up smiling
and kisses me on the cheek.
177
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,180
That bitch!
178
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,100
Smiling at me - please!
179
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600
After she had the cheek
to take money from me
180
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,000
that was rightfully mine after
her big ol' daughter won the lotto.
181
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,980
So is she still sick?
Oh, she's on her last legs.
182
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,940
Oh! What a waste of money!
183
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,620
Proper waste.
184
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:33,340
So what happened next?
185
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,580
We finally get to open my present.
186
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,340
And, well, you should've seen
the look on that bitch's face.
187
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,100
What was it?
Just a paternity test!
188
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,720
Cost me an arm and a leg,
but you think they were grateful?
189
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,180
Oh, no, of course not!
Well, that was it.
190
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,280
That bitch starts screamin',
191
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,880
and then her bitch mother
starts screamin',
192
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,800
and then her bitch sister
starts screamin',
193
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,520
followed by her bitch father,
her bitch mother, her bitch cousin.
194
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,020
A whole family of bitches screamin',
black banshee bitches!
195
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,900
I'm lucky if I can still hear!
196
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,580
You must've been terrified!
Oh, please!
197
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,200
It takes more than a family
of banshees to rattle this woman.
198
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:10,220
I know how to defend myself.
(Gasps) How?
199
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,320
A knife.
200
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,100
A knife?!
201
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,160
I grabbed that knife
from the birthday cake.
202
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:21,180
And they started circling me and
I started waving that knife around,
203
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,720
telling them that if any of them
tried to touch me,
204
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,700
I'm going to shove this knife
in their fork!
205
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,540
(Gasps) Well, did you have to?
I didn't have a chance.
206
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:34,340
My own son grabbed me from behind
and he threw me out the party.
207
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,800
I don't even know
why I even bothered goin'.
208
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,780
I'm too kind a person, you know.
Too kind a person.
209
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,700
You most certainly are.
Ohh! Stop it.
210
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,580
Aw!
You are.
211
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,580
You are.
You are.
212
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,220
No, you are.
You are.
213
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,020
No... you are.
Mm, you are.
214
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,500
BOTH: No, you are.
215
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,780
Welcome to another week
of Gardening Australia,
216
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,620
but it's a special week
because spring has sprung
217
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,540
and there's blossoms
going ballistic everywhere.
218
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,380
So I thought
it's a nice opportunity for me
219
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,540
to show you some spring
flowering plants
220
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,820
that you can put out
into your garden right now.
221
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,300
And you won't look back
222
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,800
because when you've got things
like these marigolds...
223
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,760
What are you doing?
What's it to you?
224
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,540
Well, we're... we're here. We're
filming an episode of Gardening.
225
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,800
That's alright.
I'm just... I'm digging.
226
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,800
Will we cut? Do you want to cut?
227
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,560
(Sighs)
228
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,500
Hey, mate.
229
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,200
I was just wondering if you could
tell us where the taps are?
230
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,400
Ah. (Whistles)
231
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,740
This is Kevin, our in-store tracker.
232
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,640
He'll be able to help you
find any tap you're looking for.
233
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,060
Um, what kind of tap are you after?
234
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,860
Well, I have a picture,
if that'll help.
235
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,860
Oh, that'd be nice.
There you go.
236
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,960
Thank you.
237
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,080
Er, this way.
238
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,240
What is it?
Shh.
239
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,520
This way.
240
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,720
(Sniffs)
241
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,160
(Grunts and strains)
242
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,700
Oh, Jesus!
243
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,180
Poor bastard. He should never
have come to far by himself.
244
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,140
Shouldn't we tell someone?
245
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,340
Nah, there's nothing
that can save him now.
246
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,460
Let that be a warning to others.
247
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,720
Come on, we're close! Let's go!
248
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,340
Ah!
Hey!
249
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,040
Didn't see you there.
Good brother-boy, what's happening?
250
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,120
Ah, nothing much.
251
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,380
What are you tracking?
Taps.
252
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,700
You?
Husband.
253
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,660
How long you been looking for?
254
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,440
Couple of hours. But her husband
went missing last month.
255
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,520
The wife just learnt
he come down here
256
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,120
for some shelving
after the State of Origin.
257
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,220
Queensland or New South Wales?
258
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,720
Queensland. Why?
259
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,100
Aisle 37.
260
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,020
Halfway down.
261
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,940
By the shelves.
262
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,020
Poor bastard.
Poor bastard.
263
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,120
So close.
264
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,920
Thanks, bro. This is the part
of the job I hate the most.
265
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:12,940
There you go now.
266
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,240
The tap you're looking for
should be just over there.
267
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,320
Yes.
268
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,560
Yes! That's the one.
269
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,760
Thanks, Kevin. Couldn't have done it
without you, mate.
270
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,960
Might have ended up
like that other bloke.
271
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,260
Mm.
272
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,060
Thanks again, mate.
273
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,380
Uh-uh, ahem. You have to pay me.
274
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,380
What? Why? I thought this
whole tracker business was free.
275
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,580
No!
276
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,200
Well, I don't have any cash on me,
mate, I've only got plastic.
277
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:45,440
Well, alright, then.
If that's the way you want it.
278
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,060
Good luck finding your way back!
279
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,080
Wa-wait, Kevin, you can't...
you can't leave me here!
280
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,960
Kevin! Don't leave me...
281
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,720
No!
282
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,580
Eyah, slut!
What, slut?
283
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,620
I hear you got something
you wanna say to me.
284
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,640
You know I got something
I wanna say to you.
285
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,500
Well, then why don't you say it?
I was about to say it.
286
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,500
Well, say it, then!
Can't even ask me out on...
287
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,700
..a date!
288
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,340
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut?
289
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,700
Do you wanna go out on a... date?
290
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,460
(Gasps) Can't even ring me up
and ask me!
291
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:33,080
Ah! Well, what's this, then, slut?
(Mobile rings)
292
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,420
Eyah, slut!
What, slut?
293
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,420
You wanna go out on a date?
Depends.
294
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,500
On what?
Have you got what I want?
295
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,380
Ooh, I got what you need!
And what do I need?
296
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,820
Big budhoo!
(Gasps) Solid. What time?
297
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,380
5pm, Saturday.
298
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,780
Make it 6:00.
Why? Because I said.
299
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,820
(Gasps) Can't even act excited.
300
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,920
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut?
301
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,960
Ooooh! What's this, then, slut?
BOTH: What's this, then, slut?
302
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,040
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
303
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,760
BOTH: What's this, then, slut?
Saturday, slut!
304
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,820
My place, slut.
6pm, slut.
305
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,300
I know, slut.
(Gasps)
306
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,760
Ooh, ooh! Slut!
307
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,200
What's wrong with Ray?
308
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,140
He's got writers' block.
309
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,020
(Tyres squeal)
310
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,120
Oh.
311
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,140
NARRATOR: You're unique.
312
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,460
You're special.
313
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,220
You're one of a kind.
314
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,340
Introducing Pretty For An Aboriginal
cosmetics -
315
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,180
(Wolf whistle)
316
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,480
for the woman who is pretty...
for an Aboriginal.
317
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,660
Maybe she's born with it,
318
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,160
or maybe she's pretty...
for an Aboriginal.
319
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,280
Because you're worth it, kinda.
320
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:14,540
It's 12:42 on a Sunday afternoon,
321
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,640
and we're in a highly populated
Aboriginal neighbourhood.
322
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:22,340
We've just received a call to
respond to a white noise complaint.
323
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,240
So we're gonna go down there
and see what's going on.
324
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,480
Eyah, boss.
325
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,440
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce
326
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,000
Ooh, whoa
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce.
327
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,160
(Country music plays)
328
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,960
Alright, put your hands on your head
and your drinks down!
329
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,040
Drinks down!
OFFICER TREV: Now!
330
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,640
Put your hands on your head!
What's the meaning of this?
331
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,720
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
332
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,500
We've had a white noise complaint,
and this is a black neighbourhood.
333
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,980
Are you the home owner?
Yes, I...
334
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,080
Are you the home owner, son?
Yes, I am.
335
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,420
Do you know what the time is?
It's only lunchtime.
336
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,340
We just started, we weren't playing
the noise very loud anyway.
337
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,880
Well, then you'd know
living in this postcode
338
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,380
means only Charlie Pride
from midday to 6pm.
339
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,820
I don't have any Charlie Pride.
What?!
340
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,100
I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.
341
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,200
Sit down!
342
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,780
Whose iPod's this?
343
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:26,620
Michael Bolton, Michael Buble,
George Michael.
344
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,420
He's only got Michaels!
Jesus Christ, whose iPod's this?
345
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,140
This yours?
Nah.
346
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,440
What about you? What about you,
home owner? This yours?
347
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:35,420
No.
348
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,880
So this iPod doesn't have an owner,
eh?
349
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,860
Well, I might as well go
and sync it!
350
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,180
(Glass shatters)
351
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,280
We've also got a ratio problem here.
352
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,320
You have to have one black
for every white partygoer.
353
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:53,680
(Laughs) Hey, Sarge, look,
they've even got an acoustic guitar.
354
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,020
You better be his uncle...
355
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,560
Because only uncles
are allowed to play the guitar.
356
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,140
That's the law.
I don't want any trouble.
357
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,120
And we didn't want to walk
into a crowded (Bleep) house!
358
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,660
(Strums tunelessly)
359
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,260
See, that's music now.
360
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,340
See? It's good, eh?
361
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,500
That's what you call music, people.
362
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,560
(Plays tunelessly)
Play it, Sarge.
363
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,800
See?
364
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,120
(Clattering)
(All cry out)
365
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,200
Now, let this be a warning to you!
366
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,140
If we come have to come back here
367
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,400
and hear any of that
bull (Bleep) again,
368
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,480
we're pulling your card.
369
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,060
Party's over.
370
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:40,940
Mattress back in the lounge room.
371
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,240
You should be ashamed of yourself,
son.
372
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,640
Kids these days just don't know
music, you know.
373
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,280
And this is
a Charlie Pride neighbourhood.
374
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,620
New generation. We gotta keep 'em
strong, keep 'em real.
375
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,900
Blakforce. Keeping it real.
See you out on the road.
376
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,620
(Indistinct chatter on two-way radio)
377
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,720
Yeah, copy that.
378
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,080
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce
379
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,280
Ooh, whoa.
380
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,660
Ah! That man just stole my bag!
381
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:23,400
Well... now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.
382
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,300
Fuckin' argh! Fuckin' urgh!
383
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,700
Fuckin' boom! Fuckin' boom!
384
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,180
Fuckin' boom!
385
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:40,420
Boom! Fuckin' boom! Fuckin' boom!
386
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,860
Fuckin' hmph! Fuckin' boom!
Boom! Boom!
387
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,220
Aargh!
388
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,340
Boom!
389
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,940
(Grunts)
390
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,860
And he's like 'No, no. Argh, no!'
391
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,340
I'm gonna fuckin'... hmm?
392
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,440
Hmm?
393
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,840
Yeah.
394
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,880
I won the H-Division talent quest...
(Pants)
395
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,300
..four years in a row with that one.
396
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:15,660
(Cries) OK. Write it up!
Damn, it's good.
397
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,760
Hmph!
Aargh!
398
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,240
(Waves lap, gull calls)
399
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:33,720
Dad, you know how we say
we are what we eat?
400
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,660
Yes, son.
401
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:41,160
Then... why aren't I a chicken?
402
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,040
You will be eventually, son.
403
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,880
Yeah.
404
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,080
Yeah.
405
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,160
He's staring down the barrel
of the camera in every sketch.
406
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,560
There's no sketch we can use.
I'm just scared of him.
407
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,640
Why don't you just film without him?
408
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,340
We tried! He's like the friggin'
Batman - he's just always there!
409
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,560
(Gasps) Ray!
410
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:16,020
G'day, mate. I hear you've been
working very hard on the set.
411
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,460
Yeah.
Yeah.
412
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,300
Uh, let's talk.
413
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,720
Um, why don't you take a seat?
414
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,220
KATH: Oh, Ray, we love you,
415
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:37,620
everyone here at Black Comedy loves
you and thinks you're hilarious.
416
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:43,660
But we... well, actually Kath feels
417
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:49,140
as though you would be better suited
to other things.
418
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:56,020
Well, Ray, your talents
are so varied that...
419
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,620
While I was... you know,
when I was talking to Nakkiah
420
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:04,400
and she thought that you might enjoy
yourself more if maybe you, um...
421
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,740
..thought, um... you know? Nakkiah?
422
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:14,620
Wha-what we spoke about, Ray,
was the idea of you...
423
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,500
You know?
424
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,780
..taking a role in the idea
of the bigger picture, you know,
425
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:26,480
being that Rome wasn't built in a
day and maybe you could not do that.
426
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,520
So what do you think, Ray?
427
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,740
Well, Mark... (Sighs deeply)
428
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:44,800
..it sounds like, you know,
you guys want me to go back on set.
429
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,500
ALL: Yeah... yeah.
430
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,180
Because, you know, these jokes,
431
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,300
they don't write themselves,
do they, Steven?
432
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,140
KATH: Yes, Ray. We... we know that.
We appreciate that.
433
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,680
Thank you very much, Ray.
434
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,660
Alright, Ray, thank you for that.
435
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,760
See you soon.
436
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,420
(All sigh)
Oh, good one, everyone.
437
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,520
You really fucked that up.
438
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,480
Oh, fuck bridging this gap,
I'm going to call the ABC.
439
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,760
Captions by CSI Australia
440
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,860
TIDDA 1, ON TV:
Oh, what's this, then, slut?
441
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,080
TIDDA 2: What's this, then, slut?
TIDDAS: What's this, then, slut?
442
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,020
TIDDAS: What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
443
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,420
TIDDA 1: My place, slut.
TIDDA 2: 6pm, slut.
444
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,000
TIDDA 1: I know, slut.
(Theme music plays)
445
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,200
So, the Black Bitch
is in Black Comedy?
446
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,120
(Inmates laugh)
447
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,620
Great job, Ray!
448
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,920
Ya friggin' smashed him in the face
with a brick!
449
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,460
Yeah, Ray! That was great!
450
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,020
(Laughter)
451
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,660
They fuckin' ruined it.
452
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:24,140
Ooh-ooh, gonna take you for a ride
453
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,100
And we're going to the shops
454
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,620
Then I read a book
455
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:34,040
Hmm, I really like chewing gum
456
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,500
So let's chill out.
34049
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