Original subtitles

Roger, how are the ice-skating lesson going?

Harder than I thought.

I didn't realize I'd be teaching them.

[ Air horn blares]

You douche-B's ready for my big bachelor party weekend?

Klaus, bachelor parties are for men who are getting married.

You're not a man, and you're not getting married.

Case closed. Guilty of being wrong.

Your sentencing will be Monday at 9:00 a.m.

But that's when I'm getting married!

Married to your work?

No, no, that can't be it.

To my girlfriend, Shoshanna.

Shoe Hannah? The old woman in the park

who sells shoes out of a baby stroller?

Shoshanna!

She used to live in Steve's room.

She smoked cigarettes on his bed.

Ohh!

You mean Francine!

Seriously, guys?

I've been talking about it all year!

I asked Shoshanna to marry me.

She choked a little bit on her Kahlúa,

and she said she'll think about it!

Shoshanna said yes!

Well, she said, "Yeah, I guess," but it still counts.

She backed out!

She's back in!

She backed out!

She's back in! I'm getting married next week!

I think I'm gonna take ice-skating lessons.

Good for you! Way to go!

That's amazing! Good luck!

Married?

I'm getting married!

To your work?

No, no, that can't be it.

The wedding is Monday at 9:00 a.m.,

and the bachelor party is this weekend.

You guys have to come.

According to an article I read,

if you don't have anyone else with you on your bachelor party,

it's sad.

Hmm.

I really don't want to hang out with Klaus.

Me, neither.

I suppose the bachelor party

is the most sacred of men's parties.

To deny it would be to deny God, the most sacred bachelor of all.

Sounds like fun!

No kids allowed.

Just Stan, Roger, and Jeff.

Wow! I'm Jeff!

Hayley, since the men are going away,

you and I should have a fun girls' weekend!

Let's get a stripper.

Mom!

Yes!

Hmm. I guess this could bean opportunity

to learn about the complicated world of sex workers.

No kids allowed, Steve.

So, I have to spend the whole weekend

not hanging outwith either of my parents?

I hate my liiiife!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪♪

2010 Sebring convertible.

It's on the secret menu at Hertz.

Remind me why we're going to West Virginia

for your party, Klaus.

Because it's home to the world's largest sycamore tree.

My boy Scooter got a blow job there,

and I'm gonna put his ashes under it.

Now, guys, I downloaded

"Joe Rogan's Ultimate Bachelor Party Checklist."

Let's check every box.

First item -- "Make a joke about the bride."

Stan, make a joke about Shoshanna.

Who's Shoshanna?

Ohh! Good one, Stan!

Okay, what's next?

"Talk about your favorite thing."

I like long eyelashes on babies.

Mine's the Instant Pot.

Shosh and I are doing so many easy, healthy meals

in our Instant Pot.

Wait a second.

Klaus, have you met someone?

♪♪

Any second now, Rick Rod from Rod Hard Entertainment

is gonna walk through that front door!

Every time I look at his picture, I get so hot, hot, hot!

Mm-mmm!

Now, this is a man.

Can I see a man?

Get outta here!

I'm trying to get hot with my daughter, not my son!

[ Doorbell rings ]He's here!

Hello, ladies.

You're disappointed. I can tell.

I can read people like other people can read a book.

You don't look like your picture.

I know! That guy is so hot!

No, no, no, no!

The batteries -- Mm! The batteries are dead.

It's okay.

Ahh, calm otter floating in a river.

Where do you keep your "D" batteries?

We don't have any "D" batteries.

You don't have a single "D" battery

in this castle, Your Majesty?

Sorry, we don't have --

Enough! If I can't dance

to Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative,"

then I can't get you ladies slippin' and slidin'.

Stay put. I'm going for batteries.

That's okay. You don't have to come back.

We can still pay you.

Yeah, no offense, but your energy

makes me feel very unsafe.

Rick Rod don't leave women high,

and he especially don't leave 'em dry!

Gross. Again, unsafe.

I can't believe we've been "bro-coded"

into a weekend with Klaus.

I told you we shouldn't have come.

Yeah!

Klaus is...

frustrating!

Jeff, you're a secondary member of the group.

You don't have to have a strong opinion about this.

Oh, good.

Klaus: Check it out!

I got us matching T-shirts

that say "Klaus's Boyz"!

I thought this would never happen,

but the era of replacing an "S"

with a "Z" to make a word cool is over.

Sorry, sleeping people, you sound like snakes now.

I've always found whiskey-tasting pretentious.

What, am I supposed to just drink this with no Diet Coke?

Why does this bottle have a warning label?

Cool Luann: This whiskey's 400 proof.

If it comes anywhere near a flame,

it'll explode everything.

Whooooa! Whooooa! Whooooa! Whooooa!

Okay, now, go ahead, take a sip of your whiskeys

and shout out any notes you taste.

I taste grapes!

After you tried it.

Edamame! No.

And cocoa.No.

Egg.No.

Lime. Rice? No. No.

Mustard.No.

My tongue must be broken

from all the making out I've been doing.

No.You haven't tried yours.

[ Groans ]

That's good.

And familiar.

When I was a boy, my father said

the juiciest part of the fig tree was the trunk.

So I bit into it and broke all eight of my teeth.

This tastes like baby teeth!

Good palate!

I'm very proud of you!

This gal's really invested in Stan.

And now that you're dangerously drunk,

it's time for axe throwing.

Axe throwing is the new Big Jenga.

The rules are simple --pick one up and throw it.

Axe throwing is on the checklist!

Do we need an axe-throwing lesson?

Only if you're a [bleep] nerd.

♪♪

Klaus picked this place?

This is actually delicious!

Guys! Guys!

Guys! Check out my trick!

Man: Oww! Damn it!

Still a pretty good throw.

But I was trying to do a cartwheel.

These are ribs!

We're having a great time, and it's all because of Klaus!

I smoke my meat for 48 hours

to achieve this texture and flavor.

48 hours?!

Me and Shoshanna's Instant Pot could do this in 10 minutes.

Could it do it in nine minutes?

I don't think so.

Could it do it in eight minutes?

I see where this is going, so I'm going to say yes.

Could it do it in seven minutes?

♪♪

Come on, six! Six, six, six.

Sign of the devil!

Hear my prayer, Satan, and bring me a six!

- Six! - Yeah!

All: Satan! Satan! Satan!

Well, this has been a great weekend,

but I'm afraid it's time to wrap it up.

Klaus has to be at the church at 9:00 tomorrow,

and it's our duty as his boyz to get him there on time.

I wish this night didn't have to end.

One more round, then we go?

Let's do it.

Look, Stan, I have weighted dice.

What? Why? We're already winning!

Come on, seven!

White dice?!

You boys are cheatin'!

Get 'em! [ Grunts ]

♪♪

Why did you do that?

Fighting is on the checklist, bro.

Cool! Mark it off!

[ Taser crackling ]

If the waitress comes back with my Bud Ice,

please have her tuck it into my underpants.

[ Thud ]

[ Taser crackling ]

[ All groaning ]

Looks like little fish stick and his peas are waking up.

We're not peas. We're boyz.

Klaus's Boyz!

We are a tribe!

We are a tribe!

Jeff! Let us out.

We have a wedding to get to in the morning.

And I have a wedding to go to right now.

Tough Teddy, will you marry me?

Immediately?

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

It's 3:00 a.m. now and a five-hour drive to Langley,

so we gotta move.

Jeff, what are you doing?

I'm in a cage, and that makes me sad,

so I'm drowning my sorrows in 400-proof whiskey.

That's it!

Roger, I assume you have a lighter.

I do! Somewhere on me.

That very hip lady at the whiskey tasting

said if this alcohol comes near a flame, it...

[ Explosion ]

Stan, the casino exploded before I could lend you my lighter.

I can't believe we're all alive!

[ All gasp ]

What? What is it?

Am I hurt?

Yes.

[ Whistle blowing ]

Look out! He's calling the Von Trapp children!

[ Dogs barking, growling ]

Oh, that makes more sense.

Run!

♪♪

[ Pounding on door ]

Ready to get hor-nay?

It's the middle of the night.

It took me a while to find a Walgreens

that would let me in without a shirt.

Can I come in? No.

You're just like Walgreens!

Hey, everybody!

This house ordered a stripper!

- What? - Oh, my!

Man: At the Smiths?

Fine! Come in. Come in.

I was just kidding!

Oh, it's a joke.

- Oh, okay. - That's pretty funny.

Who are you?

It's my weekend with my 300-pound son, Mason.

He was getting restless in the car,

so I told him to go in through the back.

Now, to turn you on!

[ Button clicking ]

Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

It wasn't the batteries. It was the box itself.

I'm spiraling!

Don't spiral!

I think it's super hot

that you dragged your boombox all the way to Walgreens

and didn't test the batteries before you left.

No, you don't think it's hot!

I'm a failure!

Can I have two red wines?

No! You and Mason need to leave!

Okay, I'm leaving.

Come on, Mason.

Stair fake-out!

[ Footsteps, door opens, slams ]

Steve: Mom! That stripper's in my room!

Now he's opening a vent!

He's in the walls!

He does that sometimes when he's insecure.

Which is basically all the time.

I can't understand why he went into this industry.

He passed the bar on the first try.

Rick Rod: I'm not hiding this body under some judge's robe!

[ Dogs barking ]

Oh, no!

Why did we do this to the car?

The barbecue place!

The meat will throw the dogs off our scent.

♪♪

Stan: Throw all the food at the dogs!

Roger: I'm gonna knock over this whole meat smoker!

[ Straining ][ Crash ]

God, Stan, I could have done it alone!

Jeff: It's working! Thank you, Stan.

I couldn't have done it alone.

All: Klaus's Boyz!

Look what I got while I was in there.

Super-long sausage rope.

Klaus, you idiot!

That sausage leads all the way to the dogs!

[ Laughs ]

Classic Klaus.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Growling ]

♪♪

[ Dogs barking ]

Try the cars. It's our only hope.

♪♪

[ Door handle rattles ]

You trying to steal my truck?

You seem like a reasonable man.

That I am.

The casino sicked their dogs on us.

We need a car to get our friend to his wedding on time.

You're a bachelor party?

Well, why didn't you say so?

Take my truck!

And hurry.

Here come the dogs!

Good luck!

Love conquers all! Aaah!

Just enough time to get you to your wedding.

Perfect! We'll make it!

Shoot, let me see those keys.

[ Keys jingle ]

Whoops.

Mr. Klaus, are you livin' la vida loco?

Hold on. I need to do a little flashback math.

The white dice plus the sausage rope minus the keys equals...

You're sabotaging us!

Ooh! Aaah!

I have cold feet.

I'm scared to get married.

Crazy Coolidge: Oh, no!

They're chewing up my Air Jordans!

No, don't be scared!

Zendaya is perfect for you!

I worry I'm not good enough.

You guys didn't even want to spend the weekend with me.

Is she really gonna want

to spend the rest of her life with me?

They're working their way up my Ed Hardy jeans!

[ Fabric tearing ]

Klaus, we shouldn't have said that.

If you're as good a husband as you are a friend,

she is one lucky lady.

Thanks, Stan.

[ Fabric tearing ]Yep, you guessed it!

My Tommy Hilfiger shirt was next!

Now, let's get you to your wedding.

What about the keys?

Nother set under my Louis Vuitton floor mats!

Aah!

We're gonna make it.

We just have to stop at the dry cleaners to get our suits.

And maybe the drugstore for some Neosporin?

Is someone hurt?

I can't hear so well on this side.

Don't get old.

How 'bout some tunes for the road?

♪ Everybody's talking all this stuff about me ♪

[ Thinking ] Where do I know that dog from?

Is he from a TV show?

From a movie?

Aaaaahhh, the dog followed us!

Oh! From the chasing us earlier!

We're almost to the cleaners.

We can't get out if the dog is there.

[ Engine revs ]

We need to open the tailgate without stopping the truck.

I'm on it![ Handle cranking ]

♪ They say I'm nasty ♪

[ Dog barking ]♪ But I don't give a damn ♪

♪ Gettin' girls is how I live♪Hit the gas!

[ Tires screech, dog whimpers ]

♪ Some ask me questions ♪

♪ Why am I so real?♪[ Grunting ]

♪ But they don't understand me ♪

♪ Or really don't know the deal ♪

[ Tires screech ]♪ About a brother ♪

Aaaaah!

I got our suits!

If we can, I'd love to grab a quick shower

before I throw this baby on.

Is it hot or cold water that gets glass out of your face?

You know what? I'll just push it in.

[ Bell tolling ]

I can't believe the love of my life

is right through these doors waiting to marry me.

I don't know how to thank you guys for getting me here.

Rabies shot.

We're your boyz, Klaus.

You don't have to thank us.

Now, get in there and nail that interview or whatever!

[ Slow organ music playing, people crying ]

Oh, no!

They must've killed Shoshanna because we're late!

Klaus, where's your wedding?

There was never gonna be a wedding.

Shoshanna dumped me six months ago.

You lied about getting married?

Just to have a bachelor party?

No. Just to have friends.

How am I supposed to trick you into hanging out with me

if I don't lie?

But now that I've come clean, can we go out for ice cream?

It is my birthday.

[ Whispering ] Shhhh! This is a librari...

No, it's not, it's a church.

...ian's funeral.

A librarian died.

Show some respect and be quiet!

[ Whispering ] A lot of people don't know this about Sheila,

but she loved books.

[ Quiet laughter ]

You can't quiet the bachelor boyz!

We're not boyz, Klaus.

We'll never be boyz with a "Z" again.

Let's go.

[ Dog barking ]

[ Whispering ] Noooooooo!

[ Thudding ]

Hey, kid.

How do we get your dad to come out of the walls?

You gotta challenge him to a dance-off.

Can I get a few minutes to stretch?

Hayley, please.

Steve, go get your fireman hat.

Yay! Weeoo weeoo!

Actually my dad has a stripper rival.

His brother Todd Rod.

If you get my uncle here,

my dad will have to come out for the dance-off.

Anybody need a hose?

We should have trusted our instincts

about a weekend with Klaus.

I feel so duped!

Compliments of the orange gentleman.

Why are there four milks?

He was hoping he could join you.

And that you would pay for the milks.

No.

They're gonna cook him!

And I'm gonna try him.

No, Jeff, he's just working off the milks.

[ Shouting ]

♪♪

It's a damn cartoon!

I can't look at this anymore!

I hate cartoons.

They'll do anything for a laugh.

♪♪

Ugh! I'll cover the bill.

Thanks, guys. What's up?

What's up is you're a liar, Klaus.

Well, I'm done lying!

Please, let me back in the group!

I only have one week to live!

[ All scoff ]Wait!

You want to hear the truth?

I didn't invent solar panels.

My favorite flavor isn't saffron, it's mayonnaise.

I wish there was mayonnaise gum.

I didn't write the Sublime song "Santeria."

Sublime did.

When I see a child's bike unattended, I steal it.

I still don't know who Barack Obama is.

It's okay, Klaus. Just stop.

You can't go through life lying to people.

I know!

I wasn't lying about loving the Instant Pot!

But Shoshanna got to keep it in the breakup.

I'll never see it again.

Check this guy out, lyin' again.

Jeff and Roger, no!

You're gonna see that Instant Pot again.

'Cause your boyz are gonna get it back.

[ Gasps ] You're my boyz again?

With a "Z," my dude.

[ Water gushing, man screaming ]

♪♪

Powerful stream.

You guys have one song to show us your best moves.

We choose the winner, then you leave forever.

We need music.

Dance now, or I'll shoot you with my husband's guns.

♪ Everybody's talking... what about ♪♪ Everybody's talking[grunts] stuff ♪

♪ Why don't -- Move over.

Left-foot stutter step.♪ Live... why don't...

In my way! Mm-hmm, yeah.

♪ Why don't people just... Ooh!

♪ Made my... Hurts, don't it? Tell your friends.

♪ Chillin' Unh!

♪ They say I'm nasty Yeah, oh, you can't touch.

♪ Why don't they [Mumbles] ♪ They say I'm crazy

[ Mumbles ]

♪ Tell me why

Prerogative! Prerogative!

Ugh, my prostate.

Honestly, Rick was better.

Yeah, watching Rick compared to Todd

did give me a brief tingle in my downtown tinsel town.

I have to agree with my colleagues.

Yes! Up yours, Todd!

That'll be eight dollars, ma'am.

What? You got two dancers.

I had to charge you double.

[ Knock on door ]

Klaus, what are you doing here?

Shoshanna, what we had was too beautiful to just throw away.

I've been thinking the same thing.

Wait, really?

Yes, I miss you.

Guys, abort!

I love you, Shoshanna!

The wedding is back on!

[ Glass shatters ]

I got it, Klaus! I got the Instant Pot.

[ Tires screech ]

You only came to get the Instant Pot?

Screw you, Klaus!

Don't ever contact me again!

No doi, he hates you.

Klaus: No, now they're the liars!

[ Tires screech ]

Together: Klaus's Boyz!

Klaus: Shoshanna!

Bye-bye! See you soon!