Original subtitles

Come on, it's just a word.

Say it, already.

Alright, you got this.

I want your hot, throbbing...

Ugh.

Uh-uh. No. Gross.

And painful.

Who would ask for hot, throbbing anything?

Throbbing is what happens to your finger

when you slam it in the car door.

I want it now.

Your hot, throbbing...

Ok.

Give it to me.

And by "it", I mean I want your hot, throbbing... nope!

No!

Not at all convincing!

God, Luce, it's a word.

It's a word, just say it already.

Alright.

I want your hot, throbbing...

For the love of god!

Cock! Cock! Cock!

Cock! Cock!

Cock!

Oh... um, my friend has this farm and there's this rooster.

Troublemaker.

Alright.

Well, that is a... sentence that's just never gonna happen.

Wait, what's he doing with his hand?

That actually feels good.

So that was an accident.

You're so... good to me.

Hey.

Hmm?

Are we good?

Yeah.

You like that?

Ok. Good.

Ok, sexy thoughts.

A cabana on a hot, tropical beach.

I'm getting a massage,

which suddenly turns into spontaneous, unbridled sex.

With Steve Carell.

Only like in his newer movies, with silver hair.

Yes!

Yes!

I'm coming!

Yes!

Wheat-free waffles!

Shit, did I just say that out loud?

Huh?

Sorry.

Just a second.

That was what I forgot at the store.

I couldn't remember all day.

No, no, no, no.

It's good.

My mind is completely free.

I'm ready now.

Yeah... I don't think you are.

We should get a ceiling fan.

Hey, what're you doing?

No-don't mess up my lists.

Why?

It's not like you ever finish any of them.

That is not true.

Just because you're angry, don't-

Ok, look.

Most women, during sex, you know,

they say things like...

I don't-like, "yes, yes, give it to me good".

Who says that?

People.

People who you know?

You honestly want me to yell out,

"Yes, yes, give it to me good"?

Well, it would be better than "wheat-free waffles".

Why don't you just admit that you're not into sex?

I'm so not not into sex.

You didn't even take off your pyjamas!

Yeah, well, they're comfortable!

What're you doing?

You gotta be kidding me.

I have work to do.

I'm on a deadline.

You work in the garage, alright?

Testing video games!

Don't judge me.

Sorry, Mr. Bach.

I need something with a little more spirit.

Great.

Where is my cord?

Oh my god, he's a regular.

Don't stop!

Oh my-oh my... that is a lot of vagina.

Yes, yes, give it to me good!

Oh my god, did she really just say that?

Thank you, sweetie.

I thought you were evolved.

We met at a film festival, for god's sake!

What're you talking about?

What I'm talking about is that.

What is that?

I don't know, a girl?

No.

I'm a girl.

That is a vixen.

Whatever.

Excuse me?

What, I'm not enough?

Look, ok, yeah.

I'm sorry you're upset, but you kinda have this,

like, irrational fear of intimacy or anything

that can't be put on a list.

You are talking sensuality to me as you are sitting there

hacking heads off?

Oh, is this funny to you?

Really?

Since when are you a porn person?

Well, I'm a guy, so since always.

Oh, see, that's bullshit.

I just got killed by crossfire again.

How are you being so nonchalant about this?

In this day in age,

when women are finally standing up to men

who use sex as a tool of oppression, you're-

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah!

I'm not oppressing anyone, ok?

They put it out there, guys pay for it, and girls,

everyone's happy.

Have... have you ever watched a porn film?

I think I just saw plenty,

and I hardly think that the word film applies,

not when it degrades the entire female species.

Yeah, see, I don't think so.

I think it's just a business.

Oh.

Oh, ok. I see.

So it's just a collection of highly-skilled workers

providing a service.

Yeah, exactly.

And the best are banking millions and the rest are

compensated really well for their... artistry.

Artistry?

Yeah.

Mmmhmm. Yeah. Yes.

It's uh, it's kinda like you with your violin.

Right?

Is it so hard for you to understand that,

you know, this is how some people express themselves?

What I can't believe is that you are attempting

to draw a parallel between what I do and this.

That's because you're pornophobic.

That's not even a word.

You know, how uptight you are,

it's kinda like your whole life problem.

No, even words are too much for you.

We're done.

Wait, no, we're not done.

Lucy.

Come here.

Ow, Jesus. Come on.

Ugh.

Lucy, come back.

Hey! Wait!

Just try saying something racy.

Like what?

Like, I don't know, like... use

"hot, throbbing cock" convincingly in a sentence.

Why would anyone do that?

And by the way, since when do we spy on each other?

I mean, spying?

That's not cool.

I wasn't spying!

And I don't know who you are anymore.

Yeah, well I don't know you worse!

Well, I'm not gonna compete with all of that.

So... so you need to decide.

It's me or the porn!

Really?

That's what you consider an essential item?

He's autographed.

Come on, bud.

Don't-don't crease and don't break.

Alright, it's just you and me now.

I hope you get that stick out of your ass!

Why?

So you can use it on yourself?!

Hi, Mr. Glassell.

Good morning.

It was.

Where are you?

You're late.

You're never late.

I'm worried.

Should I be worried?

I'm coming.

Sorry.

Ok, so sorry.

Where have you been?

The bride's about to start trotting up.

Sorry.

A bride on a horse.

What could go wrong?

Play.

Hello there, Mr. Best Man.

Oh, no, that's actually my friend Grant.

I think he's just a groomsman.

Matrimony.

The commemoration of an unshakable bond.

Oh, dear me.

Oh my-oh my god.

Yeah, no, this wedding is awesome.

That could not have been the plan.

Oh gosh.

Is that horse poo?

God, it smells.

Pretend it's not there.

Oh, she's gonna remember this day, isn't she?

You wanted the horse, ok?

Well, if she cancels she still has to pay us, right?

Yes, especially because it was Grant who referred us

for the job.

I just-I'm sorry, I can't get over how he is so good-looking

and you never told me about him.

You don't date actual adults.

Kale?

He's an adult.

He picks you up on a skateboard.

It's ok, everyone.

I'm ok.

Why are you giving my dude such a hard

time when this one over here,

she's sleeping on Captain America sheets.

Lucy, are you alright?

Are you crying?

I was just kidding.

Yeah, it was just a joke about the sheets.

Jeff left me.

He moved out.

Are you ok?

I'm so sorry, Luce, that's terrible.

Ok, now.

Where were we?

We're going to get married now.

Yeah.

I don't know, it's all such a blur.

Actually, no.

It started while we were having sex, and-

Ok.

Is that why you guys fought?

I remembered an item off of my grocery list, so-

Oh, honey.

How do you expect to survive marriage week after week,

year after year?

Sex with the same person in the same order for 27 years.

Well, until you find yourself one day dressing up for the guy

who sprays for bugs.

Well, how do you expect to survive all that

if you can't focus now?

I might have focus issues but he is into porn, alright?

It's disgusting!

It was all over his computer, he is totally-

A man?

All men look at dirty pictures, married or not.

It's-it's how they maintain their vigour.

Right, Paul?

Well, it's-

When men start declining sexually by the age of 18.

Once they hit 30 it's a ski slope.

I beg your pardon.

Except for Paul.

Who is, I'm sure, a sexual wonder.

Didn't your girlfriend leave you for a woman, though?

Ok, easy.

Wait, does this mean you have porn?

Hmm?

And go to strip clubs?

No, I do not go to strip clubs.

Ever?

I have, but it's not like I do.

Do you use the internet?

Define "use".

What about prostitutes?

No, not the ones who do it for crack.

I mean like the ones you go to that thing in Vegas

that I've seen on HBO.

Do you know what? I'm out.

I knew it.

Hello.

Ask me about sex.

I'm right here.

No.

Your enthusiasm is really un-relatable.

Oh, come on.

I got this whole library of cliterature.

You can just-

What?

Books you diddle to, babe.

Please, girl.

Tell me that you masturbate, at least.

No.

This is not about me, alright?

This is about my boyfriend leaving

because I think being a pervert is really inappropriate.

I also have blindfolds, handcuffs, vibrators...

Priscilla has them, too!

Oh, the buzz buzz, not the rest of it.

You do?

It's called a personal massager.

I got it at Brookestone.

Really?

Oh.

Well... but you have Stanley.

Vibrators are necessary, my dear.

Because life is short

and explaining things to men is long.

Sex to do list.

Number one. Watch 25 porn films.

Number two. Go to a sex store.

Number three. Read cliterature.

Number four. Visit strip club.

Number five. Sex toy party.

Number six. Sex seminar.

Number seven. Test vibrators.

Number eight. Internet porn, view some.

Number nine. Consult a sex expert.

Number 10. Brothel, visit.

Number 11. Meet a porn star.

Number 12...

Use "hot, throbbing cock" convincingly in a sentence.

There.

And I can even check the last one off right now.

For the love of god, cock!

Cock! Cock! Cock!

Cock! Cock.

I want your cock!

Well done.

Cock.

God!

Hey!

Woah!

Oh, Grant, you gotta go check out the ballroom, man.

The bridal party's twerkin'.

Woah.

You're kidding.

Ah, ah!

Ugh!

Oh my god, are you serious?

Hello?

I can't believe you would do this to me.

What, Jeff?

I'm not enough for you?

Ugh!

Everything alright in there?

Coming in.

You alright, love?

You want me to get the doctor?

What?

Why-no.

What, because I'm on the floor?

No.

No.

No, no, no.

I'm just medicating.

Tating.

Meditating.

I just heard crying or yelling.

Chanting.

Chanting?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Just coming to check to make sure everything's fine?

Yeah.

No, I always do like a little chant for the gride and broom.

Before the first dance.

How do you mean?

Oh, you know, like a chant.

Yeah, no, I don't.

Yeah, just sort of...

Close my eyes and go

Chanting...

Which obviously means something.

Unity.

Yeah.

Yeah. It means unity in that they're now one.

And yet they're two.

So, really it's about being strong enough

to make one one out of two ones.

And yet still be two.

Yeah.

Makes sense.

Totally get it.

You do?

Yeah.

It's... like a building.

It's only as strong as its weakest pillar.

Yeah, but is that true?

Because it seems to me that if you have enough pillars,

like say you're the Acropolis,

I think you could get away with one crappy pillar.

Sure.

Except for earthquakes, hurricanes, strong winds...

Aliens.

Well, we can't do much about that.

But you make a good point.

One in which I happen to believe in.

Uh... what-what point is that?

Well, you can't be useful in a two

until you figure yourself out as a one.

Hmm.

Cocktail?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Well, here's to me.

That was brilliant.

But you're right.

No time for cocktails.

The two ones must waltz so this one one must play.

Ok.

Alrighty.

Hey.

Don't you need this?

Or you chant the waltz, too?

Sometimes.

I'm not pornophobic.

All men look at dirty pictures.

Oh, Jeff.

Yes, yes, give it to me good.

You're pornophobic.

I cannot drink her blood, she's pornophobic.

Am I not enough?

Looks like she's suffering from stage four pornophobia.

Say something racy.

It's a word.

Just say it already.

Pornophobic.

Jeff left me.

Pornophobic.

Today we gather here to remember Lucy Neal,

who died alone from pornophobia.

She died in the house she inherited from her grandmother

that she was only able to fill with unfinished lists,

not love.

You're pornophobic!

Ok.

Sexpressions of Lust?

Please.

Madame Mischief's Boudoir Secrets.

Maybe it's a historical fiction?

And who doesn't like secrets?

Better get one more for back-up.

Bad Sally.

That can't be right.

Oh god.

Faylene springs from the house

as Michele passionately gives chase.

Running for her life, Michele grabs Faylene's wrist

and twirls her until he backs her into an erect pillar.

He could almost taste her ruby lips

but Faylene thrusts her knee into Michele, spins him around.

Seizing the moment,

Faylene pulls out a hidden pistol sheathed

on her thigh and pulls it up to his chin.

And then stops.

Michele takes one strong finger

and slowly drags the pistol downwards.

Faylene watches in wonder as the cold steel surrenders

to its final destination.

Michele's manhood.

Michele walks his finger across the barrel and cocks the gun.

Faylene knows what she wants and she decides to take it.

Whew.

Salt shaker is done.

I can check that off my list.

Hello.

We have chocolate, mimosas, tissues, sympathy.

Wait, why do you look so good?

Where did you get those jeans?

No reason.

Nowhere.

And pity's not why I called.

I told you we need When Harry Met Sally.

Mmmhmm.

You do chocolates, I'm on cocktails.

No, really.

I'm fine.

I am.

For, I have renewed life purpose in the form

of a research project with which I need your help.

She said research.

She called me for research.

You're losing it.

We're doing number two and the train is leaving in one minute.

Guys, do you think I'm gonna need this?

Best break-up ever.

Oh god.

This is your Nissan Leaf, this is your Mercedes C Class,

and this is the Maserati of vibrators.

A serious piece of equipment for only the most experienced user.

Oh.

Sold.

Using it could desensitize you to men forever.

I'll take one.

Hey, Luce!

I found something for ya.

He doesn't say irritating things,

he's a feminist, doesn't watch football, or fart.

Well, none of them do at first.

Can I help you with that cock ring?

No.

No, I got this.

I was just checking...

Sure.

Everything alright over there?

Sorry, just um... looking for...

for a Mother's Day gift.

Oh.

You know, I was wondering what a nice girl like you

was doing in a place like this.

I could ask you the same thing.

Go ahead.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Oh...

Oh!

Busy day you got there.

Oh-

Uh, it's amazing you have the time

with all the violin playing and the chanting.

Of course you remember me.

It's not every day I run into a beautiful girl

with such a propensity for crouching.

Did he actually just use the word "propensity"?

Oh hey.

Adopted this puppy.

And breakfast is ready.

And the dishes are done.

Hey, you're the best man from the wedding

with the pooping horse?

Oh, yeah, I was just a groomsman.

Oh, well, I'm Nessa.

I was a part of the quartet.

Oh, yeah. You guys were great.

Thank you.

I play the cello.

Um, yeah.

It's, you know, the big one between your legs?

Lucy over here, she plays the violin.

So it's Lucy, is it?

So fancy meeting you here.

What're you doing?

Oh yeah, um, good question.

I'm looking for a Mother's Day gift.

Oh, really?

Me too.

I mean, I would never be here for myself.

Or would I?

Nessa.

Uh, I'm actually an architect.

Paul Goodwin works at my firm.

Right.

Yeah, I vaguely remember him mentioning something like that.

I'm ah, working on a job upstairs

to reconfigure the office space.

Oh.

Not nearly as interesting as what's going on on that list.

Oh, no.

This is purely a research project.

Yeah, honestly I can't help it.

I went to Harvard so I'm research-y.

Actually, that's where I met Paul.

Really?

You're using the H-bomb on the best man?

I just can't.

I'm gonna go talk to Priscilla.

And wha the hell is up with your lips, girl?

I'm Grant.

Who works here?

Did I hear you say you work here?

Why, yes he does.

So does she.

I just wanna find out if this works.

Actually, sir, I am very familiar with this product.

It's one of my favourites.

In fact, I've got it on right now.

What do you mean, you're wearing it now?

On what?

On my lips.

You put it on your lips?

Uh, Luce, I don't think you put erection cream on your lips.

Oh my god.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Do these come in extra large?

Got you some ice from the cafe.

Thanks.

Yeah, I thought your lips looked a little...

You got a chant for this sort of thing?

Woah.

Can I have your number?

You want my number?

Yeah.

Wait, really?

I have a gig you might be interested in playing.

That's awesome.

I'll um, I'll wait out here.

Bye.

So his dad co-chairs this annual insurance commissioner's dinner

and he wants you and me to walk around

and do the wandering minstrel thing.

First the wedding and now this?

Is he your new booking agent?

Excuse me, why not all of us?

Uh, I don't know, but you did make it a point to tell him

that your legs are pretty occupied while you play.

Will he be there?

He didn't say.

So, with the exception of the H-bomb incident,

and putting erection cream on your lips,

I'd say this was very successful.

You had a nice conversation with a handsome man,

we got a gig out of nowhere, and you got Burt.

Hmm.

You know, after one week of being broken up with Jeff

after four years of dating and I cannot believe how great I feel.

Well, what I can't believe is that we're actually doing this.

Alright, Jersey, how we doin'?

All six of you.

Alright, first thing's first.

I'm gonna go grab us some drinks.

Alright, now for the sexiest identical twins

with the hottest dance moves.

Everybody give it up for Cherry and

♪ ...Dallas. ♪

Dallas!

Hey Wes, can I trouble you for two beers, mate?

Pretend like you don't know me.

Brilliant.

Did he say Cherry and Dallas?

You know, this is not what I expected.

Shh.

Why?

Are you afraid I'm gonna wake them up?

Oh, come on.

They're performers and you're talking over them.

Don't be rude.

It's disrespectful.

I'm just saying.

Hi, Cynthia.

Loving the hair.

How are you doing tonight?

Hi.

Thank you.

Oh, it's a little cold in here.

Can I-

Actually, we're totally fine.

Why don't you keep the change?

You know what?

Throw that in for good measure.

Don't embarrass me.

Embarrassment's the least of your problems.

Ok, I need to level with you.

It's not cold in here.

It's optimal.

Get with the program.

Where are you going?

Getting with the program.

Don't do that!

Lucy, come back, please.

Hi.

Your wife didn't send me here to spy on you,

I promise.

Don't worry.

I wonder how these girls stay in such good shape.

Quick question for you.

Do you do pilates or... oh, wow.

Oh, nice, Luce.

Thank you so much.

Wait a second.

She is totally thinking about her shopping list.

Ha!

Woo!

Oh.

Ok.

I'm just gonna see what-

She's trying to take my money!

No, I can't make change?

No, you did not.

What were you thinking?

As pleasing as her vagina thrusts were,

it just-it was not a $20 kind of happy.

Welcome to the Pleasure Palace Party.

We got the dildos, we got the vibrators,

so look around, don't be shy.

If you wanna get to the top of the mountain

you gotta go equipped.

Oh.

I did learn one very important thing at the strip club.

If naked enough it doesn't matter

if you can actually dance.

Oh, I know what these are.

People use these for meditating.

No, those are Ben-Wa balls.

50 Shades?

Book two?

Ben who?

You take two of those, you stick 'em up your lady,

and just hold them for a couple of hours, ok?

Wait, what?

Oh my god.

Those are for Kegel exercises.

You could do 'em in the car.

Shit, I'm doing them right now.

Experience intense natural pleasure as each weighted ball

rolls and moves with you to give you

a mind-blowing internal massage.

Now, you're gonna sculpt a banana into a penis

with your teeth.

Catch that!

Oh yeah, get that banana.

Well, I'll never look at a banana the same way again.

And neither will Paul.

Sex toy party.

Check.

Wait, why'd you stop?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing.

I think I just... I really need to go to the bathroom.

Oh my, well go!

It's right down there.

I don't think I can make it that far.

Oh god.

It's gonna come out.

What is?

Not a word.

Not a word.

Uh-uh.

Ok.

Oh.

Oh!

I don't think I can bend over.

Because there's a second one?

Three.

Oh!

There are three more.

I bought two boxes.

I see.

For Kegels.

Say no more.

I need you to pick it up.

You know, I didn't think there were limits to our friendship.

I realize it's just not true.

Oh, this is not funny.

It's not funny, ok?

I only wore these to a work function

because I knew we would be standing for three hours

and, you know, I wanted to tone.

Stop!

Stop, ok?

If you make me laugh another ball will pop out.

Oh god, I'm so...

I need help here. Please.

Ok, ok. Let's go.

What was that?

I don't know.

When I walk my legs just sort of rub together

and I'm already so, so-

oh my god, I might-

Hallelujah?

Yeah.

Ok, we're gonna have to risk it.

Lucy, if you do this while holding my hand

this friendship will never be the same.

Ladies, you look like you're having a good night.

Some of us more than others.

Hi.

What're you doing here?

Oh, seeing my dad.

He's on the board with the trust.

It's irrelevant.

Now I'm seeing you.

Have you met Priscilla?

No, how are you?

The leader of our quartet.

My dear friend, who always comes to my rescue.

Oh, you need a lot of that?

No, not at all, but even still,

she's just always waiting for the other ball to drop.

I mean shoe.

Is it hot in here?

Yeah, it is.

Hmm.

Um, I see someone that I...

I don't see anyone.

I'm just getting out of the way.

Are you tired?

Am I tired?

Yeah, you seem a bit out of breath.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

No, I just sort of get that way when I play.

Oh, I get it.

You're amazing.

Sweet Jesus.

Oh, what was that?

Hmm?

That.

No, my back just gets that way when I stand and play.

Alright.

Are you cold?

Mmmhmm.

Yeah.

Oh, let's get you moving.

Oh.

Come on.

Ah.

You ok?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just warming up a little.

If I didn't know better,

your lips look beautifully deflated this evening.

Women don't usually find me funny.

It's my pleasure.

Truly.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what was that?

What was what?

Something just hit my foot.

Is that a bird?

There's a bird?

Nope. Nope.

Sorry, my mistake.

Weird.

Anyway.

Hmm?

I was thinking...

Yeah?

If you're not too busy-

Never.

Or too hot.

Would you like to-

Yes.

Have dinner with me?

Dear god, yes!

So you call me up out of the blue to ask me

how good you were in bed?

Mmmhmm.

Out of a percentage out of 100.

But if you must, I will accept a letter grade.

Did you meet someone?

What?

No.

No.

I was just wondering-

You did.

You're seeing someone.

Yeah, I am.

I'm sorry.

It's very new-

No, no.

It's a-I'm relieved, ok?

'Cause I'm... I'm also seeing someone else, too.

You are?

Yeah.

Huh.

Wow.

Halloween.

Yeah.

Right after we broke up.

Oh, or is that how she dresses all the time?

That's funny.

I miss your sense of humour.

Is that-I'm sorry, is that bad for me to say

that I miss something about you?

Uh... so, how are the- how's your lists coming?

Oh, very well, thank you.

Yeah, after the porn thing

I made a list that's all about sex.

And I recently went to both a porn shop and a strip club.

What?

You-no, you're...

you're hilarious.

You see, this-you, us being friends, this rocks.

Yeah, it's great.

Uh, but, sex with me.

How was it?

Oh, right.

Um... it was fine.

Jeff, literally choose any letter.

Ok, uh, geez.

Uh... like A through F, right?

Yes.

Ok.

Uh, you are a...

D.

It's in room D.

Are you sure?

It doesn't say "sex seminar".

They're not gonna call it that.

It's this one.

It has to be.

Come on.

Proficiency in sex is a must.

It is the universal language of humanity.

You're tardy.

Take a seat.

Did you invite her?

No.

What could she have to learn?

To walk around speaking slang is to be ignorant to one's self.

What're you doing here?

I just came here to do research for you.

Number one miscommunication slang speakers make

is to think of it as a male-centric activity.

That is, they think about when men intercourse

with women that it's all about the guy.

Wrong!

Wrong!!

Wrong!

From this moment on you will refer to sexual communication

as the gift that you will give to only a worthy man,

from you, the soon to be supremely empowered woman!

Oh, hit-oh wow, you are tense.

Yeah, I don't think smacking it

like that is part of the technique.

Kale, he left me for someone his own age so I'm just-

I can't deal with men right now.

Oh, Nessa, I'm so sorry.

Here.

I'm gonna help you.

Ok?

It's like we're in Ghost and you're my Patrick Swayze.

Oh, of course you get to be Demi Moore.

It takes a village.

Ok, so five weeks until my audition for the Philharmonic-

I'm not getting any better, am I?

No, you're really not.

What?

'Cause you're already a genius.

Well, it's true, and you know it.

You just gotta get out of there.

Did you know that the female ferret will die if she goes

into heat and can't find a mate?

Jeff was the rodent, not you.

What about the best man?

Groomsman.

Hasn't he called?

You really should ask Paul what his story is because-

No. No, he did.

We're going out on Saturday.

You are?!

Oh.

That's wonderful!

Oh.

You're at a ten.

Well, what are your plans?

I mean, you could do a dinner cruise.

Oh, a hot air balloon.

What is with you today?

Nothing, I'm just happy for you.

Oh... what are those?

Stan got me diamonds.

Oh my god.

Was it the seminar?

I have a sex life again after 27 years.

Stan and I are doing it like high school kids on prom night.

Oh, so meaning it's over in five minutes

and you get nothing out of it.

Except a bad reputation.

Anyway, enough about me.

Why aren't you thrilled about the best man?

I am.

I... don't you think he's a little out of my league?

I'm not even gonna dignify that question.

You're just afraid to get back on the horse.

Lucy, it's like riding a bike.

Or maybe a pogo stick.

I'm just freaking out because in my effort to be

supremely empowered I insisted on planning the date.

And I've got nothing.

Well, if you're interested, Stan got us two tickets

to the Dr. Becker taping on Saturday night.

VIP seats.

Which is...?

She's a sex expert.

I showed Stan the list.

He got very inspired.

Anyway, if I promised to make it worth his while

I'm sure I can get him to stay at home.

Ok, if I promise to take the tickets

do you promise to never talk about you and Stan

sexually communicating ever again?

Deal.

Ok.

Can I just tell you one thing?

Alright, yes.

I'm gonna get my labia tightened.

What do you think about oyster shooters?

Mmm, aren't oysters more of a third date kind of food?

Yes, good point.

It's not like you're taking me to a sex show.

Lecture by a progressive,

world renowned researcher who went to Yale.

Which is definitely not Harvard.

But she happens to be discussing human sexuality and I-

I know, I know, consult an expert is on your list.

I'm messing with you.

And just because we're going to a lecture like this

doesn't make me a sure thing, you know.

Me neither.

Good.

Wouldn't want you getting the wrong idea.

What idea might that be?

I don't know, I just wouldn't want you misinterpreting

my list, 'cause I'm really not that kind of girl.

And what kind of girl are you?

That's for me to know and for you to wonder.

Ok, well now I'm gonna ask you a bunch of things

so I can make a meaningful snap judgement about you

without being distracted

by all your charming, attractive... you-ness.

Is this where you ask me for my tax return?

'Cause I didn't bring it.

Uh, no.

I was just gonna ask you what your favourite book was.

Um, sorry.

My last girlfriend did that on the first date.

And you still ended up dating her?

Oh.

Alright, yeah.

Your last girlfriend must have been a supermodel.

She was a model, yes, but super, no.

Definitely not.

And she's certainly not Harvard material.

Ah.

Well, as an artist, I do not require financial documentation.

Being well kept doesn't really apply to me.

And yet you seem to be kept very well.

That is corny.

Uh, let's do the books.

I have two.

I also have two favourites.

Ladies first.

Nope.

Huh?

No. I asked you first.

Revealing book love is a very personal thing.

I know.

That's why it's my stock first date question.

It's gonna tell me everything I need to know about you.

Are you sure you wanna know?

Yeah, you're right.

It could be the end of something good before it even starts.

Or it could be the start of something good that doesn't end.

What the hell's in this drink?

Ok, alright.

Let's just state our books.

Yep.

And let's get this ship to sinking, ok?

Please.

Alright.

Yeah. At the same time, count of three?

Yes.

Alright.

Ok.

One, two, three.

"Everything That Rises Must Converge",

and "The Story of Your Life."

"The Story of Your Life"

and "Everything That Rises Must Converge".

Well, you like them in the wrong order.

Yeah. It's definitely not gonna work.

This is the Dr. Becker show?

Yeah. Hi, welcome.

Hi.

Oh, uh, will Dr. Becker be out soon?

That is Dr. Becker.

Alright, let's get everybody in their seats now-

Wait, she's a Magna Cum Laude Yale PhD?

Follow me.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

The show is about to start.

Dr. Becker, you're on in three, two...

Ok.

I am so sorry. I had no idea-

Are you kidding me?

This is the most interesting date I have ever gone on

in my entire life.

Welcome.

Tonight's guest is both a true pleasure to have

and a departure from my usual science-based approach

to sexual enlightenment.

Science was nothing like this where I went to school.

Really?

I thought boarding schools were known for sexual enlightenment.

Please help me welcome Madam Swarovska,

world-renowned sexual psychic.

What's a sexual psychic?

Someone who can do the pull and pray method

of birth control?

You snorted.

Ok, I'm leaving.

That one.

She suffers.

Oh?

Oh.

Madame Swarovska,

can you explain to our audience what it is that you're doing?

And me, would be nice.

I am assessing the aura.

Seeing what colours surround her.

Sounds lovely. Thank you.

For most people, yes. For you, no.

For you, is grey.

Grey?

Are you saying that she's sexually...

Grey!

Yes.

Well, lucky for me neutrals are in for fall.

You know, we can go like five minutes ago.

No, no, this is awesome.

This is great.

How about we get you on stage, Miss...?

Uh, Lu...

Lulu-bell.

Well, come on up here, Lulu-bell,

so Madame Swarovska can read you.

Come on.

You're safe.

Yes, the grey one is in deep struggle with the sex.

I often discuss a condition

called sexual attention deficit disorder.

SADD.

Sad, for short.

Which involves frequent mental wanderings

of a non-sexual nature during intercourse.

Might that be what-

Yes, but also lack of experience.

Oh, trust me, I-I have plenty of experience.

The cards say no.

No, I assure you.

I know what I'm doing.

The cards say no.

Oh, I see.

You are very old when you are first having sex.

Surely you mean old enough.

No, I mean old.

Oh.

Oh, old is why you are only having sex with four people?

Is that true?

Four?

No.

No?

Well, yeah.

But what's wrong with that?

Oh, one does not count.

It ends uh, how you say... prematurely.

Oh, that one looks promising.

Yeah, when is upright yes, but for you is reverse.

Oh.

Oh.

Grey one.

Yeah?

You're not having the big booms?

What?

The big booms.

The rolling thunder.

The crotch magic, you know?

Like, oh yeah, baby.

I love it!

You know?

Like, woah Nealy gets really crazy,

that kind of sex.

Like uh, like magic time.

Like crotch magic.

Blast it off.

Blast up inside, you know?

I can't handle it anymore!

Like... woo!

This type of thing.

What-how you call it?

She sees... um, you don't orgasm.

I got it. Thanks.

Oh, but you're giving booms to yourself sometime,

that's good.

That's ok.

That's something, huh?

That's nice.

You keep that going, ok?

Now I'm going to see about the one you come here with.

This guy over here.

Oh, oh.

Hey, now.

This is really lucky.

The devil's card in reverse is representing

like breaking freedom from restraint.

This guy is going to give you the big booms!

Yes.

Isn't that amazing how accurate the Madame is?

Well uh, thank you again for a uh, revealing night.

Once again, she was so not right about anything she said.

No.

By the way.

She's crazy.

She said I rocked your world when we barely even know

each other, let alone have had, you know, sex.

Right?

I know.

Like, what was she even saying?

That just me being close to you I get like all... I don't know.

Sorry, no.

Look how in control I am around you.

Right.

Anyway, yeah, she was wrong.

She was crazy wrong.

Who knows?

Anyway, twice again, for the official record,

I had absolutely no idea about tonight

and I am so, so, so sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm not.

Goodnight.

Yeah.

I swear you're going to get me fired.

Or even worse, assigned to awful jobs.

Grant's a pretty big deal at the firm, you know.

And you're a big deal to us, Paul, but this isn't about you.

Yet.

The psychic didn't say anything positive?

Just that I wouldn't end up alone.

Well, that could just mean she thinks you'll get a cat.

What?

Ok, let me paint a picture for you.

If Grant is the devil and not even he can get lucky with her,

then perhaps poor Luce is destined to end up

with a litter of cats.

But seriously, let's get back on point.

How did you two leave things?

Am I gonna have to avoid him at the office?

Can't hear you. I'm shopping.

Luce, quick question.

Isn't this the section for girls who do get kissed?

Hey.

Just so you know,

he said he was gonna call this weekend to make plans.

And no, I'm in the right section.

Mmmhmm.

Guys, I have to tell you something.

Good god, you're not preg- how?

What?

No.

The question would be who,

since I can't even seem to get a guy past the front porch.

You know those jeans

that make my ass look like a sorority girl's?

Here?

We're going to the women's section.

Nope, not the women's.

Men's?

That's brilliant.

Right here.

In maternity.

Look, they have this stretchy stuff that goes over the stomach

and just kinda smooths everything out.

I know, you think I'm pathetic.

No, no.

I'm just trying to figure out my size in women's.

Who knew strings could accompany threesome-type sex so well?

I say we rehearse like this all the time.

I'm so surprised you're still doing the list.

I'm psyched.

I've been labelled sexually grey.

It kinda solidified the mission.

And I've been waiting for Grant to call me all week

so I figured I might as well just watch my 25 films.

Why are you waiting for him to call?

Why don't you call him?

Anyway, so I had one of these on when it came time

to practise one day, so...

Well, if it means anything,

I've never heard you play this good, girl.

Don't be ridiculous.

A month until the Philharmonic auditions remember us when.

Mmmhmm.

Oh my god. It's him.

The best man?

Yeah.

Do I-what, do I answer?

No!

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

Ok, answer it or I will.

I already suffered through high school once.

Ok.

Ok.

Hey.

Hey yourself. It's Grant.

Listen, sorry I haven't called you...

"Hey"? The man of your dreams calls and you say "hey"?

Shh!

Uh, me shush?

No, sorry. Not you.

I'm with the quartet.

Rehearsing some porn!

Did she say you're watching porn?

No.

No, she did not.

She said "horn".

Yeah, we're adding a French horn to the group.

Ah, well, I can't help you with that.

So um, you're working on a Saturday?

Uh, listen.

Sorry I haven't called all week.

I've been bloody busy in non-stop meetings and-

He was out of town all week.

That's it.

Woohoo!

Oh, thank god.

There it is.

Oh!

Oh, Paul, your ass.

Turn it down!

Turn it down!

Sorry, Nessa just stubbed her toe.

Why me?

Anyway, look.

I know it's last minute but I was thinking,

if you wanted to go out-

I'd love to.

Yes. Whatever it is.

So sorry!

Not sorry.

Ok. Ok.

Here we go.

Wait. Wait.

What?

Mmm-mmm.

No?

You want me to stop?

What? No. Go.

No?

As in it's a no go?

No. No. Keep going.

The perfect pants for you two.

Hi.

Hey.

Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

Um, I was just gonna...

Oh.

Ok.

I'll call you.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

No! No!

Grant! Wait!

Shit.

No. No.

Grant! Wait!

Grant? Grant!

If it's about the porn I can quit any time!

What?

So I watch porn. Big fucking deal.

As long as it's consensual.

No judgement.

Stupid.

Useless!

This tastes like crap!

Disgusting!

Ugh!

Don't even work!

Ugh!

God, I can't believe this.

And you.

Stupid.

Ugh, Phil's penthouse is just so gorge.

My boyfriend and I walked in and he was all

"this place owns the skyline".

Well, it did take us about a year to complete

so you can imagine what it cost.

I don't do numbers.

Me neither, but like how much?

Anyway, if you thought the penthouse is impressive

you really ought to see his place in the Hamptons.

I can't wait to own multiple homes in

which I don't actually live.

My boyfriend and I love the Hams.

The Hams?

Is that what we're calling it now?

Only people who live there.

Or people who know people, like my boyfriend does.

You guys need to meet him.

He'll be here in a minute.

Mmm.

You know what? I want some more wine.

In fact, I'll take an I.V. of it.

Noted.

Two I.V.'s.

Nessa, you've gotta slow your roll, love.

Um, why are you guys here, again?

Paul, he's doing the panel thing.

Yeah, because he has actual things to say.

Sorry.

Um, there is a designer on the panel

and Paul wants to ask her out.

He makes us act like we're interested in him

so he can, like, get girls.

Yeah, it's legitimizing.

Once I make partner I probably won't need it.

He's right.

My boyfriend's a partner.

It's attractive.

I mean, my boyfriend's already attractive.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

Maybe you should get a shirt that says

"I have a boyfriend"

and then you wouldn't have to tell us every five seconds.

Ok, refill.

Coming right up.

I didn't mean to make you jealous.

Of what?

You know what?

This is a good time to go.

I'm good.

Oh, there he is.

Ugh.

I'm all out of sausage.

I hope you brought your hot, throbbing co-

What am I doing?

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

It's that way.

Hey, Priscilla, it's me.

So the audition went great.

I did it!

I finally crossed something big off one of my lists.

Ah, I feel amazing.

Jeff's getting married?

And he's inviting you?

And this is his idea of a wedding invitation?

Talk about no taste.

It gets worse.

Don't even.

He wants you to play at the wedding.

Us.

Yeah.

He wants the quartet.

Well, we're not doing that.

And I don't even understand,

why would he want you to be there at the wedding?

Maybe he feels guilty.

I don't know, maybe he feels like he's doing me a big favour.

How is this a favour?

The girl's family is loaded.

Ok, so we're absolutely doing it.

But Jeff is a tool.

And not a sharp one.

Do you know, Luce, when uh,

when Sharon left me for Jennifer...

it was more the rejection that hurt.

Not necessarily her leaving.

Honestly, I don't really care about Jeff leaving.

And who wants to have super lame sex

the rest of their life, anyway?

Uh, I do.

Lame sex, virtual sex, the faint possibility of sex,

any of which would be more than I'm currently getting.

I can't even get my hand to have sex with me anymore.

Yeah, well, maybe if you dressed up your hand like a redhead

who cooks, loves musicals, and has a PhD...

I'm sad to report that my standards

have dropped somewhat significantly.

Oh yeah?

Well, what is your type these days?

Willing.

And I've got to go to Vegas for a bachelor party.

I swear, all those boobs I can't touch

might just be the end of me.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure no one over the age of two

has ever died from lack of boob.

That's a valid point.

Wait a second, when are you leaving?

For Vegas?

Yeah.

Tomorrow, why?

Because I need to finish my list

and there's this Vegas thing on there.

No, no, no, you need to finish it

because Jeff's getting married.

No, I-

Besides, Grant's gonna be there.

I don't care if Grant's gonna be there.

I just need to finish my list, alright?

And you're gonna help me.

So just embarrassing me

at the strip club wasn't enough for you, was it?

This'll be so much better.

Will it be, though?

Yeah.

Could I get more needles in here, please?

Tensing up!

You need to have sex.

And I have to finish my list.

So it's a win-win.

Um, for losers.

So I'm not sure we come out on the right side of this.

Ok.

Here is who's working today.

Nope.

Can't do it.

Do you know what?

They're probably all diseased.

No, you're more likely to catch something in a sorority house.

See?

Here is a whole information sheet about their weekly tests,

how they check each customer for symptoms,

and clean everyone's genitals with anti-bacterial-

How about we don't use the word "genitals"?

Will you please just go in there and do the deed

so you can report back?

Why don't you just go inside and do the deed and report back?

Because they don't service lesbians or straight girls

who like sex with women.

How do you know they don't service women?

Oh my god, you called and asked for yourself.

Wow, you really have turned over a new leaf.

Look, you buy women nice dinners all the time

hoping to get sex out of it, correct?

What?

Pfff.

I- I do.

Yeah.

So that's just a more honest side of the exact same coin,

and it's perfectly natural.

I'm not going in there alone.

Well, great, let's get in there.

Wow. Called my bluff.

Oh boy, this is happening.

Hey, sweetheart.

You worry too much.

I told you there'd be other normal people here.

Howdy, fellas.

How y'all doin' today?

We're here to get her some, if you know what I mean.

Ain't that right, honey bunch?

It's a perfectly natural thing.

What dialect is that?

Is it not southern?

Not at all.

And just to be clear, this is already not worth it.

Just so we are clear, am I to share your girl or get my own?

I mean, we've not really worked out any of the details here.

Oh.

Interesting.

Ladies? Please say hello.

Just like that, here they come, down the staircase.

Oh, that's a nice dress.

Thank you.

I need to go to the bathroom.

Uh... I can't do this.

I'm so, so sorry.

May I squeeze through?

Good luck.

What happened to your boyfriend?

Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.

He's more of a colleague.

Excuse me, doll?

We don't service single women here.

Actually, I want to apply for a job.

As...?

As a... you know,

what they are-do.

Hi.

You want to be a working girl.

Yeah.

Wow.

How'd it go?

Well, I applied to be one of the girls.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I didn't get the job, obviously.

So quick question.

When I tell the story later,

which do you think is going to be better?

The fact that you applied to be a prostitute

or that you didn't get the job?

Anyway, I'm really sorry

that you're late for your bachelor party.

No, that's alright.

I'll just tell them the truth,

that you got hung up at a job interview.

I'm just teasing.

They'd be lucky to have you.

Thank you.

Here we are, huh?

Well, I mean, are you sure you don't wanna come along?

You can always be the entertainment package.

No, I'm just gonna wander around.

Alright.

All I want right now is a quiet bar

and an artfully crafted cocktail.

Fair enough.

Have fun!

Alright, have a good night!

Woooo!

Yes!

Ooh, that's strong.

Let's take a picture.

My new friends.

One, two, three.

Alright, Vegas.

Welcome to karaoke night at the Blue Saloon.

Up next we've got...

Lucy Neal.

Come on up.

What?

Oh, no.

No, I didn't sign up.

Well, someone put your name in there.

Well... actually, I don't sing.

What do you do, then?

Um... I'm a violinist?

Oh.

Well then why don't you come down

and play some violin for us?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I'm good.

Thank you.

Come on, there's only like five people in here.

What've you got to lose?

Get up here, have some fun.

Crap.

Ok.

Not cool, guys.

Give it up for Lucy.

I play classical mostly.

Don't worry about it.

Just play along. We're in the key of G.

It's an original.

There's your bow.

Are you guys ready?

♪ Hello my lovely baby, I want you near, ♪

♪ I see you walking through my door, ♪

♪ And it is clear, ♪

♪ I need you more and more, don't I? ♪

♪ I want you more and more in my life, ♪

♪ So hey, come on in, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ I feel I'm getting cold, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ I feel my heart in my soul, ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ Wake me up in my soul, ♪

♪ Wake me up baby, ♪

♪ I feel my heart's getting cold, ♪

♪ I don't wanna get cold, ♪

♪ Now, warm me up, ♪

♪ warm me up, warm me up, ♪

♪ And I am fallin' fallin' fallin' for you so I, ♪

♪ Realize I that I am old and, ♪

♪ Suddenly it seems everyone has left me, ♪

♪ Suddenly as it seems as the future's ♪

♪ right in front of me ♪

Yeah!

Alright, Lucy!

Yeah.

Well done.

Alright, let's see who's up next.

Anyone else have any hidden talents out there?

What're you doing here?

Shouldn't you be at the bachelor party with Paul?

Paul showed me the picture you texted him

of you and the posse of Harvard boys.

I recognized the bar so-

What, so you-

Thought I'd come looking for you.

Please tell me you've got better than that.

How about I tell you how sorry I am that I fell off

the face of the earth?

I was an idiot.

Why didn't you call?

A bunch of reasons.

None of them good.

Ok, look.

This has been fun and thank you for whatever this is

but I am not-

But-but wait.

Can I just have one second?

Meeting you was a big surprise.

And then I realized how much I really liked you.

But then I-I just-

Decided to show your considerable appreciation

by sleeping with me and then running out?

It's just-it's a scary proposition.

What's scary?

I'm scary?

What is scary about me?

For starters, you're obsessed with sex.

Look, you came around at a really weird time.

And I know the list is bizarre

but I've got something important to prove.

Prove what? To who?

To myself.

I guess... I need to prove to myself that I'm enough.

Leaving like that was a mistake.

Not calling you was a mistake.

Will you please forgive me?

Sorry.

Woah, woah, woah.

Wait. Wait. Stop.

Stop?

I don't wanna hurt the baby.

What?

Um... I'm not pregnant.

I beg your pardon?

Wait-

You're not?

I know-I know I've been emotional

and like I'm craving some weird stuff, but oh my-oh my god,

do I look pregnant?

No, no, no.

You're not emotional.

You look stunning and beautiful.

It's uh, at your house you had maternity pants on the chair.

Honestly, I saw the pants and I freaked out

and that's why I left.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

You left because you thought I was pregnant?

It's a scary proposition.

Wow.

Wait.

You thought that and you still wanted to be with me.

We like the same books.

Mmm.

Not in the same order.

You're right.

It's never gonna work.

Luce, it's Paul.

You're never gonna believe this.

I've met the girl of my dreams.

Her name is Destiny and yes, she is a stripper.

Let me tell you...

Hi Lucy, Howard Gregson.

Our committee loved your audition but ultimately

decided your playing is too expansive.

A hair uninhibited for our conductor.

But I think your skills are just a bit misplaced.

To that end I have an opportunity coming up

in a couple of weeks.

- Hey. - Hey.

You all ready for the wedding?

Yes, but there's something we need to do first.

Wow.

Well, you've still got one more thing on your list.

Oh.

Yes, I do.

Let's go.

There you go.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey.

Who can I make it out to?

Uh, Lucy.

Yeah, she's a big fan.

Um, how do I spell that?

Actually, there's a much bigger fan

that you should make this out to.

I mean, this is just so Jeff.

Care to dance?

Yes, I would love to.

Ok, Stan.

Woo!

Hey, there she is.

Here, come on. Switch.

Oh.

Hey, congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

And thanks for playing for us.

The force is strong with you.

Mind if I...?

That's cool.

Thanks for doing this.

The price was right.

Is that the only reason?

No. Well, maybe. Ok, yes. It was. But...

Ok.

I'm glad I did.

I'm glad we're good.

Me too.

Uh, I gotta ask you.

Um, whatever happened to that list you had?

The interesting one?

Wait until you see the wedding gift I got for you.

I can't find it.

That's because it's right here.

And I can't wait to give it to you.

I'm... married.

I'm-I got married.

I'm married today.

Thank you so much for doing this.

What can I say?

I believe in love.

Hey, Luce, all the bridesmaids are twerking

on the dance floor...

Hi.

I'm Paul.

I'm Honey.

Delighted.

Are you gonna ask me to dance?

Yes, yes I am.

Right this way, please.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen,

there's only a few songs left so get out on the dance floor.

Let's celebrate Jeff and Anne tonight.

Let's send them off with style.

Don't forget to tip your bartender.

What?