subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for killer-raccoons-2-dark-christmas-in-the-dark-2020-1080p-web-dl-h264-ac3-evo

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish Download

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:31,598 Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info 2 00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,846 One. 3 00:00:53,785 --> 00:00:54,853 Two. 4 00:00:57,022 --> 00:00:59,792 Smallwood! You're free to go! 5 00:00:59,825 --> 00:01:02,328 Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. 6 00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:05,550 Mr. Secretary, Merry Christmas! 7 00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,485 Tom! Great to see you. 8 00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:08,820 Well, I wouldn't miss this for the world. 9 00:03:08,853 --> 00:03:12,725 Well, this is gonna be a fantastic holiday bonus for our military. 10 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:17,463 Access to PEN15 will be granted in ten, nine, eight... 11 00:03:17,495 --> 00:03:19,764 Okay folks, let's get it started in here! 12 00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:23,803 Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth, let s relay the shriek command codes! 13 00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:26,538 Agent Woman, administer the voice modulation masks. 14 00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,007 One. 15 00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:51,697 Agent Charlesworth, we have access. 16 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,833 Ha-ha! 17 00:03:53,865 --> 00:03:54,867 Nice! 18 00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,138 Thank you, Houston. We'll take it from here. 19 00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:01,639 Hot dog, Christmas has come early! 20 00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:03,776 Let's see what those little furballs can do. 21 00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:05,578 I'm sending command shrieks 22 00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,548 to the space thingy now, Mr. Secretary. 23 00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:19,491 They're accessing the space thingy's visual optics. 24 00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,096 Oh, they found something! 25 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:24,996 Tammy! 26 00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:27,532 Oh, tell them to try image enhancing! 27 00:04:29,134 --> 00:04:31,838 Oh, titties! 28 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,506 Boobies! 29 00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:36,108 Breasteseseses. 30 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,809 That is sophomoric. 31 00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,177 And tasteless. 32 00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,546 Those nerds at the NSA 33 00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,615 probably think this is Santa's sleigh! 34 00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:44,916 If they only knew! 35 00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:46,584 The optics are phenomenal, 36 00:04:46,618 --> 00:04:48,921 just think what the laser capabilities might be. 37 00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,288 This might be the best weapon 38 00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:53,125 the U.S. military has ever had ever! 39 00:04:54,993 --> 00:04:56,529 Chester, I gotta hand it to ya, man. 40 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,131 This raccoon weapons program is incredible! 41 00:04:59,163 --> 00:05:02,267 From spraying raccoon feces all over the Middle East 42 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,301 to developing one of the most 43 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,937 uncrackable satellite codes in human history. 44 00:05:05,971 --> 00:05:08,040 Even the Chinese can't figure it out! 45 00:05:08,072 --> 00:05:09,575 Great job, man! 46 00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:10,942 Congress is gonna be so pissed 47 00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,778 when they find out who is paying for this. 48 00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:14,680 Hey, guys, can I get a little credit here? 49 00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:15,847 I mean, ten years ago, 50 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,017 the raccoons slaughtered fifteen campers here in town. 51 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,486 If I didn't cover the whole thing up 52 00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,223 and ship the raccoons off to the military, we wouldn't be here today. 53 00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:26,958 I only wish my colleagues from that summer had survived, 54 00:05:26,991 --> 00:05:28,793 I heard their bodies were never found. 55 00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:30,896 They were all ripped to shreds by raccoons. 56 00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:32,130 You know, it's funny you would mention that, 57 00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:33,765 cause just last week, we had a break-in 58 00:05:33,798 --> 00:05:35,834 at the Raccoon Creek weapons facility. 59 00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,068 We got a few things missing, 60 00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:38,971 like some raccoons and some gear 61 00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:40,238 and I don't know who the heck would take it, 62 00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:41,440 'cause what are they going to do with it? 63 00:05:41,473 --> 00:05:44,776 There was a note left behind, it said, "Shitsnakes." 64 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,178 Strange I've heard that before. 65 00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:49,882 Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. 66 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,649 He was a boozehound park ranger 67 00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:54,252 I hired ten years ago. Nobody knows what it meant. 68 00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:56,088 Shitsnakes? That's not a thing. 69 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,323 Like, snakes covered in shit? 70 00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:00,058 Well, nobody really knows. 71 00:06:00,091 --> 00:06:02,661 Besides, Ranger Danger is long gone, 72 00:06:02,694 --> 00:06:04,663 you guys did a phenomenal job, 73 00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:06,931 have a great holiday, thanks so much. 74 00:06:06,964 --> 00:06:07,933 Thank you, sir. 75 00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:10,269 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I mean, Mr. Secretary 76 00:06:10,301 --> 00:06:12,337 You're welcome. Just call me sir the way she does. 77 00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,005 Yes, sir. 78 00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:15,373 Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary! 79 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:17,142 Agent Woman, could I talk to you for a second? 80 00:06:17,175 --> 00:06:18,377 - Mm-hmm. - Sorry, Chester. 81 00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,978 Of course. Have a great holiday. 82 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,548 Listen, 83 00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:25,783 I don't know if you're staying in town for the holidays, 84 00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,119 but I have a cabin in the woods 85 00:06:27,151 --> 00:06:29,187 and I would love it if you would join me. 86 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,790 As flattered as I am by the offer, sir, my plans are to make 87 00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:34,359 the next train to Washington to meet my... family. 88 00:06:34,392 --> 00:06:36,794 Ha-ha! Well, no matter, I'm married anyway. 89 00:06:36,827 --> 00:06:38,830 Listen, like the secretary said, 90 00:06:38,863 --> 00:06:39,998 you did a great job today! 91 00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:40,899 Thank you, sir. 92 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:43,002 But I don't need a man to tell me that. 93 00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:47,940 Hoo-hoo, feminism is hot, ha-ha! 94 00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:57,616 Come on, Aunt Sally's mittens, where is he? 95 00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,993 O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood! 96 00:07:10,928 --> 00:07:13,666 Shane! How are ya, man? 97 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:14,867 Hey, what's with the cross? 98 00:07:14,899 --> 00:07:16,435 Oh, I'm a Christian now! 99 00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,670 Isn't that great? I went to conversion therapy. 100 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,706 The only thing I'm gay for now is Jesus, 101 00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:22,674 and he's the reason for the season, am I right? 102 00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,308 Hey, I love that mustache. 103 00:07:24,341 --> 00:07:25,777 Oh, thanks. 104 00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:27,178 But don't call me Ty anymore. 105 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,180 I changed my name. 106 00:07:28,212 --> 00:07:30,314 I couldn't stand being made fun of in prison. 107 00:07:30,348 --> 00:07:33,218 Oh, right. Smallwood could be perceived as "small penis." 108 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:34,452 Makes sense. 109 00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:36,656 So from now on, call me Casey. 110 00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,159 Casey Smallwood. 111 00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:42,795 I got this place after I got out of conversion therapy. 112 00:07:42,827 --> 00:07:44,429 Business boomed when the mayor of Independence 113 00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:46,164 became the Secretary of Defense. 114 00:07:46,197 --> 00:07:47,865 Lot of military families coming through. 115 00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,401 It's been really good for business. 116 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:50,801 Wait, the mayor? 117 00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:53,706 That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking? 118 00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:55,840 He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo! 119 00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,475 We don't even know if Al's alive. 120 00:07:57,509 --> 00:08:00,446 Ty... Casey, a lot's changed 121 00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:02,147 in the last ten years since you've been gone. 122 00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:09,187 The mayor's done a lot of good since he's gotten to D.C. 123 00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,957 So he's a hero now, huh? What'd he do for you? 124 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,358 He got me the conversion therapy. 125 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,493 I'm not living that sinful, disgusting life anymore. 126 00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:16,995 Speaking of, we have a Christmas 127 00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,397 swingers party going on tonight. 128 00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:19,965 You're more than welcome to hang out, 129 00:08:19,998 --> 00:08:21,332 stay as long as you like. 130 00:08:21,365 --> 00:08:22,868 Well, that's nice of you, Shane, 131 00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,037 but Imma try to see my family on the East Coast. 132 00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,772 I'm actually supposed to meet up with this girl 133 00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:31,209 I've been in touch with, and take the next train to D.C. 134 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,344 What? 135 00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:34,979 Who is this girl, how long you been in touch with her 136 00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:36,748 and will you be touching her a lot more? 137 00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:39,817 She's the sister of the dead girl that I lost my virginity to 138 00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:42,520 ten years ago, who was mauled by raccoons. 139 00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:43,655 Her name's Darlene. 140 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,392 We struck up a penpal-ship while I was in the joint. 141 00:08:48,259 --> 00:08:49,527 She wants to know the truth 142 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,995 about what happened to her sister. 143 00:08:52,129 --> 00:08:53,298 I'm not gonna lie, Shane. 144 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,836 That summer really fucked me up. 145 00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:01,339 It's almost as if I'm a totally different person now. 146 00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,108 Yeah, it's pretty obvious. 147 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:05,344 Look, Casey, Raccoon Creek Campground 148 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,811 doesn't exist anymore. 149 00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,880 It's a top secret military facility. 150 00:09:08,914 --> 00:09:11,083 There hasn't been a raccoon attack in ten years. 151 00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,786 Anybody who knows about that attack, they keep quiet. 152 00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,320 You'd be smart to do the same thing. 153 00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:19,023 If this whole mystery train ride with your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out, 154 00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,459 make sure to hit me up on social media. 155 00:09:22,359 --> 00:09:23,460 Thanks, Shane. 156 00:09:23,494 --> 00:09:25,930 But I think I need to get the fuck out of this town. 157 00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:28,166 And above all 158 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,836 I never want to see another raccoon again. 159 00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:35,039 Now boarding the 9:11 train to D.C. 160 00:09:35,073 --> 00:09:38,811 Never forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding. 161 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,147 How could anyone forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding? 162 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:45,050 No one should ever forget about the 9:11 train. 163 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,852 Well, you'd be surprised about 164 00:09:46,884 --> 00:09:48,920 how many people forget about the 9:11 train. 165 00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:52,825 It's like no one remembers anything about the 9:11 train anymore. 166 00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:54,026 Well, that's because these days, 167 00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,127 there's still a lot of questions 168 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,563 about what really happened to the 9:11 train. 169 00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:58,630 You're going to bring up your doubts 170 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,433 about what happened to the 9:11 train again? 171 00:10:01,465 --> 00:10:03,435 I'm just saying it's okay to ask questions 172 00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,337 about what our government really knew 173 00:10:05,369 --> 00:10:07,505 about the 9:11 train and when they knew it! 174 00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:08,774 Oh, my God. 175 00:10:08,806 --> 00:10:11,609 We're not arguing about what happened to the 9:11 train. 176 00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:14,345 Hey! I have a lot of questions... 177 00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:21,219 Hi, there. 178 00:10:21,252 --> 00:10:23,555 Has a woman named Darlene Bean picked up her tickets yet? 179 00:10:27,492 --> 00:10:31,296 Hey, are you Casey? I'm Darlene. 180 00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:32,998 Janine's sister. 181 00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:35,233 Wow, I can tell You look just like her. 182 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:39,338 It's, it's uncanny, not to be weird or anything, but, 183 00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:41,406 I made this for you 184 00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:44,276 Hey, I hate to interrupt this really awkward moment, 185 00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:46,245 but did you guys want to pick up your tickets or... 186 00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:49,113 Yeah, there should be two tickets under my name, Smallwood. 187 00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:51,049 You didn't have to buy both of our tickets. 188 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:51,915 It's not a problem. 189 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,319 It's amazing how much money you save 190 00:10:54,352 --> 00:10:55,921 when you have no place to spend it. 191 00:10:55,954 --> 00:11:00,192 Okay. Uh, two tickets for Ty Smallwood. 192 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,327 Actually changed my name, it's Casey now. 193 00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:04,562 Casey Smallwood. 194 00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,633 Well, your last name still means "small penis" though. 195 00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:13,939 Last call for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call! 196 00:11:13,972 --> 00:11:15,941 And no, we're not arguing about it anymore. 197 00:11:20,578 --> 00:11:22,615 So uh, how's your family doing? 198 00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,084 Uh, fine, I guess. 199 00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:29,253 I mean, as good as you can be when a member of your family 200 00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:32,391 mysteriously dies at a campground. 201 00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:35,928 Nobody ever really told us exactly how or why she died. 202 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,630 Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. 203 00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:41,934 Actually, I... 204 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,137 I made you this Christmas present to get the conversation started 205 00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,606 That's an interesting necklace. 206 00:11:47,638 --> 00:11:50,709 Yeah, killed that raccoon myself ten years ago. 207 00:11:50,742 --> 00:11:53,612 Wait, seriously? You killed an innocent raccoon? 208 00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,948 Casey, you know I'm a big animal rights activist. 209 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,349 I've written to you about it a lot. 210 00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,651 I-I mean, I know that! 211 00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,785 This was a bad one. 212 00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:03,322 It's actually part of the story about your sister. 213 00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:05,022 Jesus, dude. 214 00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,624 Well, it's a good thing we've got 215 00:12:06,657 --> 00:12:08,326 a long ass train ride ahead of us. 216 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:09,360 Let's go. 217 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:14,065 Looks like I've bitten off more than I can choo-choo. 218 00:12:16,166 --> 00:12:18,671 Oh, wow! How's it going there, young lady? 219 00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,040 Oh, okay, well. Hey, where ya going? 220 00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:23,475 Come on, I'm the train's photographer! 221 00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,210 So what are you, uh, 222 00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:27,713 traveling with your boyfriend or something? 223 00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:29,248 Or going dolo? 224 00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,416 She's traveling with me. 225 00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:35,653 Sorry. 226 00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,589 Hey, you look really familiar. Have we met? 227 00:12:38,623 --> 00:12:39,757 I don't think so. 228 00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,225 I just got out of prison. 229 00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:42,226 You? 230 00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:44,562 I was in jail for a bit about ten years ago 231 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,065 I don' t think I know you from there. 232 00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,099 Look, sorry, man. 233 00:12:48,132 --> 00:12:50,199 Hope you have a good trip. 234 00:12:53,037 --> 00:12:54,438 And so, as the holiday train 235 00:12:54,472 --> 00:12:56,041 boards up again this Christmas Eve 236 00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:57,709 on its way to our nation's capital, 237 00:12:57,742 --> 00:13:00,378 the folks on board are prepared for some unannounced guests, 238 00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:03,248 perhaps even Santa Claus himself. 239 00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,217 For Network News, I'm Dick Weener. 240 00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:08,152 Did we get it? Good. 241 00:13:08,185 --> 00:13:09,253 I'm getting the fuck out of here. 242 00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:10,254 This place gives me the creeps! 243 00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:11,789 I've been the biggest name in the local news 244 00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,759 for ten years now and it's time to move on. 245 00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,393 The Secretary of Defense says once I get this 246 00:13:15,426 --> 00:13:16,527 spokesman job at the Pentagon, 247 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,329 I don't need you plebeians anymore! 248 00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,099 Happy holidays, you sad sacks! 249 00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:02,307 The NSA tracks Santa on Christmas Eve, 250 00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:04,542 but who else are they tracking? 251 00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:06,777 - I don t trust them one bit. - Well, hello, Agent Woman. 252 00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:09,480 Looks like Santa got me a little present this year. 253 00:14:09,513 --> 00:14:11,082 Hello, Agent Charlesworth 254 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,350 Care for a vod-sode? 255 00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:13,451 A vod what? 256 00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,454 A vod-sode. Vodka soda. 257 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,322 It has the highest alcohol content 258 00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,090 and the lowest amount of calories. 259 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,762 Hey! Hey, man! 260 00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:27,364 That's rape culture. Did you even wash your hands? 261 00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:28,867 What? Of course I washed my hands. 262 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,401 I always wash my hands. 263 00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,570 - Okay. Then strip for me. - What? 264 00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,706 Strip for me, you big hairy man. Strip! 265 00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,110 Okay! 266 00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:40,311 There is no more freedom, 267 00:14:40,344 --> 00:14:42,147 there is no more personal freedom. 268 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,281 If Jesus Christ were president, 269 00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:46,350 something like this would never happen! 270 00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,430 All right, boys. 271 00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,698 Let's go to work. 272 00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:12,143 First it was flu shots at Christmas, what else is next? 273 00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:15,379 I'm gonna ask if you have any nines or elevens? 274 00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:18,315 Well, I'm gonna go ahead tell ya to go fish! 275 00:15:18,349 --> 00:15:19,718 Dang nab it. 276 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:24,488 They're trying to control... 277 00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:26,691 You hear something? 278 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,795 Merry Christmas? 279 00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:42,274 All right, boys. We got ten minutes. 280 00:15:56,421 --> 00:16:00,791 Hey, there. Could you tell me what that girl over there is drinking? 281 00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,295 I'd like to have the same thing to be social. 282 00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,664 It's just that I haven't had a drink in ten years. 283 00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:06,731 I just got out of prison. 284 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,967 For underage drinking. 285 00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:10,734 Are you a murderer? 286 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:11,869 What? No! 287 00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,638 Oh, Phew. Okay. I have to ask. 288 00:16:14,671 --> 00:16:18,542 We get a lot of felons on here from that jail in Independence. 289 00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,411 Your friend is drinking a vod-sode. 290 00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:21,478 A what? 291 00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,949 A vod-sode. Vodka soda. 292 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,416 It's the highest alcohol content 293 00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,252 with the lowest amount of calories. 294 00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,752 Let me go see if I can do this. 295 00:16:28,786 --> 00:16:29,787 I'll be back. 296 00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:35,392 Yo, Casey. 297 00:16:35,425 --> 00:16:37,929 Wanna join me for a drink? 298 00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:39,197 Yeah. 299 00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:43,435 Hey, your sister, she used to call me Ty, 300 00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,603 because that was my real name. 301 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,705 But then, I changed my name to Casey, 302 00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:49,541 and you've been calling me that, 303 00:16:49,574 --> 00:16:51,343 which has been nice. 304 00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:55,647 But I guess if you want to, you could call me Ty, 305 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,449 just like your dead sister did. 306 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,384 I don't want to call you Ty, Casey. 307 00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,319 And I don't just want to keep hearing about 308 00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:03,722 your relationship with my dead sister. 309 00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:05,757 I'd love to know why she died, 310 00:17:05,789 --> 00:17:07,424 if you know anything about that. 311 00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:09,494 Yeah, I'm sorry. 312 00:17:09,526 --> 00:17:11,462 - It's just... - It's just what? 313 00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:13,364 Are you going to tell me what happened to her, 314 00:17:13,398 --> 00:17:14,833 or do you even know? 315 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,334 I mean, was it your fault or something? 316 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,869 I loved your sister. 317 00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:20,438 I didn't know she was going to die! 318 00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,007 My best friend died that summer, 319 00:17:22,039 --> 00:17:23,507 and so did a lot of other people. 320 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:24,441 And I tried to stop it! 321 00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,710 Yeah, well, you did a great fucking job. 322 00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:28,813 If at any point you'd like to tell me exactly 323 00:17:28,845 --> 00:17:32,950 what happened to my dead sister, that would be great. 324 00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,422 Maybe I do need that vod-sode. 325 00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:45,296 Hey, Shelley What was in that vod-sode again? 326 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,867 Well, it's like, vodka, but like, also soda. 327 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,636 Great, I'll take one. 328 00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:57,842 Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I lashed out at you earlier. 329 00:17:57,874 --> 00:17:58,942 It's just... 330 00:17:58,976 --> 00:18:00,812 You were with my sister that summer 331 00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:04,449 and I just really need to know how she died. 332 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:07,418 There's so much information my family and I never got 333 00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:10,821 and if you know anything about what happened, 334 00:18:10,854 --> 00:18:14,925 I'd just like to pick up our pen pal relationship and figure it out. 335 00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,863 Of course. 336 00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:20,632 And I promise, by the end of this trip, 337 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,067 you'll know how your dead sister died. 338 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,969 Thanks. I'm gonna go take a jog, 339 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:28,440 but later we can have some drinks and talk. 340 00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,457 Let's go, boys. 341 00:18:49,994 --> 00:18:51,496 Oh, hey, look, don't get your psycho 342 00:18:51,528 --> 00:18:53,131 ex-con boyfriend to beat me up, all right? 343 00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:54,598 I was just trying to make conversation. 344 00:18:54,632 --> 00:18:55,834 He's not my boyfriend. 345 00:18:55,866 --> 00:18:57,068 Oh, now we're talking. 346 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,906 Look, don t bring rape culture with you to work, okay? 347 00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:06,411 And if you even try to touch me, I'll beat you up. 348 00:19:07,778 --> 00:19:08,646 Look, I don't know about that. 349 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,547 I've been doing a lot of this lately. 350 00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:11,716 Oh, wow. 351 00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,718 Well, why don't you go ahead and try and touch me then? 352 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:14,786 Wait, what? 353 00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,653 Go ahead. Touch me. 354 00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,556 All right, I mean I guess that's consent, so... 355 00:19:20,591 --> 00:19:22,960 Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with! 356 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:25,430 Oh, come on! 357 00:19:26,863 --> 00:19:29,633 Oh, God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe! 358 00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,873 Come on. Where'd you learn that from? 359 00:19:34,905 --> 00:19:36,073 The NYPD? 360 00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:39,610 Ten years ago my sister and I took a self-defense class. 361 00:19:39,643 --> 00:19:42,613 Then she died on some camping trip in Independence, 362 00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:45,783 so I kept training to make sure nothing ever happened to me. 363 00:19:45,816 --> 00:19:47,484 Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, 364 00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:48,652 but I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry 365 00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,021 about getting killed on this train. 366 00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:52,457 Yeah, well, I certainly hope not. 367 00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:56,161 Hey, wait. 368 00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:58,896 You said your sister was killed on a camping trip in Independence? 369 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,098 Yeah? 370 00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,933 I was there around ten years ago, too. 371 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,036 I think I remember your friend, but I can't be sure. 372 00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,937 Yeah, well, I'm not sure either. 373 00:20:08,038 --> 00:20:09,407 Oh! 374 00:20:10,507 --> 00:20:12,844 Oh, goddamn. Hang in there fellas! 375 00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,050 You want paper or something? 376 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,885 No, thank you. 377 00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:24,055 I'm just jotting down a few notes. 378 00:20:24,087 --> 00:20:26,023 Maybe I'll turn it into a screenplay or something. 379 00:20:26,056 --> 00:20:27,925 Oh, really? What about? 380 00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,027 Just about when I lost my virginity 381 00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:33,531 and the girl I lost it to was devoured by raccoons, 382 00:20:33,564 --> 00:20:34,798 and then a whole bunch of other people 383 00:20:34,832 --> 00:20:36,568 were killed by raccoons, too 384 00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,871 Including my best friend, at a summer camp. 385 00:20:39,903 --> 00:20:43,708 And then I was imprisoned for ten years for underage consumption. 386 00:20:47,844 --> 00:20:48,979 Okay. 387 00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:51,649 First of all, that sounds like a fucking shitty movie. 388 00:20:51,681 --> 00:20:52,549 Second of all, 389 00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:53,985 do you want some nuts with your drink? 390 00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,487 Or are you already there? 391 00:20:56,586 --> 00:20:58,155 No, I'm actually allergic to nuts. 392 00:20:58,189 --> 00:20:59,423 Shit, you better get to the kitchen 393 00:20:59,457 --> 00:21:01,726 and let the cooks know before they start cooking dinner. 394 00:21:01,758 --> 00:21:03,862 Almost all our food has nuts. 395 00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,166 Hold on a second, hold on. 396 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,737 So you trying to tell me that you're allergic to nuts? 397 00:21:12,769 --> 00:21:15,038 And you want me to take all the nuts 398 00:21:15,072 --> 00:21:17,941 out of all the food in the whole kitchen? 399 00:21:17,975 --> 00:21:20,512 I mean, yeah, If that's possible. 400 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:23,081 I just got out of jail and I'd be happy to eat anything. 401 00:21:23,613 --> 00:21:25,083 It just can't have nuts. 402 00:21:25,115 --> 00:21:26,950 Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison, 403 00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,222 I'd be sick of eating nuts, too! 404 00:21:36,861 --> 00:21:38,530 Hurry, boys! Train's a-comin! 405 00:21:44,235 --> 00:21:47,906 Listen, I don t know how they do it in jail, but I can't change 406 00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,940 the menu of an entire train car 407 00:21:49,973 --> 00:21:52,743 just cause one jerk off's got a nut allergy! 408 00:21:52,776 --> 00:21:54,312 I mean, do you have anything without nuts? 409 00:21:54,344 --> 00:21:55,412 Yeah, actually. 410 00:21:55,446 --> 00:21:57,882 No problem. I actually, I got a new recipe for ya, 411 00:21:57,914 --> 00:21:59,116 it's called, uh, 412 00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:01,151 your momma's fucking pussy juices! 413 00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:04,189 You jail idiot! 414 00:22:13,698 --> 00:22:15,033 What the hell is going on? 415 00:22:15,065 --> 00:22:15,900 Whoa, man! 416 00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:17,067 Must have hit the old rough tracks! 417 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:20,205 Seems like we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark! 418 00:22:23,074 --> 00:22:24,741 What the heck is this? 419 00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:27,579 I don't know! He don't look like one of our boys. 420 00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,629 Hey, what's going on here? 421 00:22:44,661 --> 00:22:46,631 Garbage train ran off the tracks. 422 00:22:46,663 --> 00:22:48,732 Lots of people got buried in the trash 423 00:22:48,766 --> 00:22:50,034 Went home to the Lord. 424 00:22:50,066 --> 00:22:52,135 What? There weren't no garbage trains 425 00:22:52,169 --> 00:22:53,305 coming through here. 426 00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:56,040 Where are all the bodies? 427 00:22:56,073 --> 00:22:57,141 Here! 428 00:23:05,815 --> 00:23:07,684 Whoa, whoa, whoa, people! 429 00:23:07,718 --> 00:23:10,287 Can't you see this violence is poisoning 430 00:23:10,321 --> 00:23:12,123 our children's minds! 431 00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:20,297 God has given us the engine. 432 00:23:20,331 --> 00:23:23,067 All right, boys, we have four minutes and twenty seconds. 433 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,703 Let's move! 434 00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,907 Everybody to the back of the train! On the double! 435 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:31,409 Don't make me ask twice! 436 00:23:48,459 --> 00:23:50,996 Gotta tweet! Must tweet! 437 00:23:58,869 --> 00:24:01,205 Gah! Ah! I have to tweet! 438 00:24:01,238 --> 00:24:04,875 You gonna post this on the Internet, newsman? 439 00:24:04,909 --> 00:24:06,377 Get the hell out of here! 440 00:24:06,410 --> 00:24:10,114 Everybody play it smart and put the smart phones in the bag. 441 00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:17,320 - Help! - Help. 442 00:24:17,353 --> 00:24:20,325 Merry Christmas! Ho, ho! 443 00:24:21,357 --> 00:24:22,926 Holy shit! 444 00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:31,402 What the hell? 445 00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,979 Looks like we got too many cooks in the kitchen. 446 00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:43,347 Get on it. 447 00:24:47,151 --> 00:24:48,486 How the heck did you do that? 448 00:24:48,518 --> 00:24:50,020 And what was that thing? 449 00:24:50,054 --> 00:24:51,221 It was a raccoon. 450 00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,790 And this is just the beginning. 451 00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:54,993 Get down! 452 00:25:01,832 --> 00:25:04,435 Looks like too many chefs spoiled the soup. 453 00:25:04,468 --> 00:25:05,737 We're all clear here. 454 00:25:07,872 --> 00:25:09,474 Ranger Danger! 455 00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,174 Merry Christmas. 456 00:25:11,208 --> 00:25:12,710 Got ya a little present. 457 00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:16,413 All right, let's move! 458 00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:18,850 All aboard for the Lord. 459 00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:29,026 Instead of Santa Claus coming 460 00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,894 - down the chimney to give you gifts - What the... 461 00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,797 It's the government busting down your door to take your kids! 462 00:25:33,831 --> 00:25:35,300 Ladies and gentlemen, wake up! 463 00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:45,876 How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? 464 00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:51,915 At least this time I know I bit off something I can choo-choo. 465 00:25:55,286 --> 00:25:57,087 Oh, my God. 466 00:25:57,121 --> 00:25:58,922 Ranger Rick Danger! 467 00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:01,392 Merry Christmas, Agent Chunksworth. 468 00:26:01,424 --> 00:26:04,294 Looks like you've just seen the ghost of Christmas Past. 469 00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,863 Or should I say, summers past? 470 00:26:08,598 --> 00:26:11,135 Shitsnakes, huh? 471 00:26:13,269 --> 00:26:14,838 Agent Charlesworth. 472 00:26:14,872 --> 00:26:16,274 Jones! 473 00:26:16,306 --> 00:26:19,810 Looks like you've got yourself a little bit of a raccoon problem. 474 00:26:28,485 --> 00:26:29,887 Make yourselves comfortable 475 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:30,988 You want some music? 476 00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,289 You guys like bands, right? 477 00:26:32,323 --> 00:26:33,925 They said you were dead, Danger. 478 00:26:33,958 --> 00:26:35,959 In fact, they said you all were dead. 479 00:26:37,193 --> 00:26:40,864 As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, 480 00:26:40,898 --> 00:26:43,901 then no one knows if that body is dead for real. 481 00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:45,402 Isn't that what happened to you, too? 482 00:26:45,436 --> 00:26:46,337 Now don't get me wrong, 483 00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:49,140 we all got the shit scratched out of us. 484 00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:51,041 But it wasn't nothing we couldn't handle. 485 00:26:51,075 --> 00:26:53,110 We're not a bunch of pussy college kids! 486 00:26:53,142 --> 00:26:56,413 I think it's great you got so rich and successful 487 00:26:56,447 --> 00:27:00,218 training raccoons for the military, but I guess you forgot 488 00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:03,186 there were a few more of us who knew the secrets of the campground. 489 00:27:03,219 --> 00:27:05,122 I get to tell you that we know all about 490 00:27:05,154 --> 00:27:09,226 the secret satellite operated by raccoons and that we want you 491 00:27:09,259 --> 00:27:12,462 to give us the shriek command codes so we can steal it! 492 00:27:12,496 --> 00:27:13,998 What? How did you know? 493 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,966 You military guys gotta stop leaving your secret 494 00:27:15,999 --> 00:27:17,969 blueprints and files everywhere. 495 00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:21,238 You never know who's gonna get their dirty lil' paws on 'em 496 00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:24,575 Looks like they're all set up, Danger. 497 00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:26,844 Great! Hold on just a second. 498 00:27:28,077 --> 00:27:29,646 Merry Christmas Eve, folks. 499 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,917 This is your main bad guy, Ranger Rick Danger speaking. 500 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:35,353 Welcome aboard the Holiday Express. 501 00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:38,922 Or as I like to call it, Raccoon Railways. 502 00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:41,192 We will only be making express stops 503 00:27:41,225 --> 00:27:44,362 and by express stops, I mean one. 504 00:27:44,394 --> 00:27:46,196 Ranger Rick Danger? 505 00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,298 You've been loaded onto the back of this train 506 00:27:48,332 --> 00:27:50,601 for your own safety and have probably noticed 507 00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:53,237 the adorable, but highly-deadly raccoons 508 00:27:53,269 --> 00:27:55,238 with tiny wittle machine guns! 509 00:27:55,271 --> 00:27:56,673 If you do anything they don't like, 510 00:27:56,707 --> 00:27:59,010 they are ready, willing and able 511 00:27:59,043 --> 00:28:01,145 to pull those tiny triggers and kill ya! 512 00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:04,348 These little furballs are government trained killers 513 00:28:04,381 --> 00:28:06,550 and we're all here for revenge. 514 00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:08,386 Revenge, huh? 515 00:28:08,419 --> 00:28:10,088 Two can play at that game. 516 00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:23,366 Now, how about those shriek command codes for PEN15? 517 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,603 We'll never give you the shriek command codes, Danger! 518 00:28:25,635 --> 00:28:27,504 And even if we did, how are you going 519 00:28:27,537 --> 00:28:29,306 to translate them into raccoon sounds 520 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:30,708 without the voice modulation masks? 521 00:28:30,740 --> 00:28:32,242 All those are locked away deep in a... 522 00:28:32,276 --> 00:28:34,978 In a secret bunker just outside Independence? 523 00:28:35,011 --> 00:28:37,414 We know all about it, Chumplesjunk. 524 00:28:41,084 --> 00:28:42,987 Now, we know you'll do whatever it takes 525 00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:45,155 to keep us from scooping out the love of your life's 526 00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,557 cute lil' eyeball here with this hot spoon. 527 00:28:47,591 --> 00:28:50,161 Now while this spoon appears to be harmless, 528 00:28:50,193 --> 00:28:52,195 it's actually really super-hot! 529 00:28:52,228 --> 00:28:54,198 And when we stick it up to your lady's face, 530 00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,365 it's gonna hurt! 531 00:28:55,399 --> 00:28:56,700 And then when we scoop out her eye, 532 00:28:56,734 --> 00:28:58,369 she won't have no eye anymore! 533 00:28:58,401 --> 00:28:59,636 Now won't that be fucked up? 534 00:28:59,670 --> 00:29:03,975 A-B-C. 535 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,546 One, two, three. 536 00:29:11,047 --> 00:29:13,183 Don't worry my love, he can't do anything 537 00:29:13,217 --> 00:29:14,352 with the shriek command codes 538 00:29:14,384 --> 00:29:16,019 without the voice modulation masks. 539 00:29:16,053 --> 00:29:18,488 Oh, really? Then why is he doing all of this? 540 00:29:18,521 --> 00:29:20,490 God, you are such a dumb set of dick and balls! 541 00:29:21,758 --> 00:29:22,660 He doesn't even have a way 542 00:29:22,693 --> 00:29:24,261 to get the codes to the PEN15 satellite. 543 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:28,565 They need to be entered into the bunker's transcoding system simultaneously. 544 00:29:28,598 --> 00:29:31,201 For God's sake, Woman! Give him your code! 545 00:29:31,235 --> 00:29:34,604 E-I-E-I-O. 546 00:29:43,413 --> 00:29:45,983 Man, those are some dumb codes! 547 00:29:56,492 --> 00:29:59,095 Yep, we've known all about your secret raccoon 548 00:29:59,129 --> 00:30:01,132 space program for some time now. 549 00:30:01,164 --> 00:30:03,066 Wasn't too hard to figure out. 550 00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:06,137 We even stole some of your really cool satellite shit, too. 551 00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:09,239 That satellite's a smaller version of the one you have in the bunker, 552 00:30:09,273 --> 00:30:12,343 and as long as we're on this train, it'll work just fine. 553 00:30:26,789 --> 00:30:28,658 So what are you doing now, prick? 554 00:30:28,691 --> 00:30:31,261 Oh, I'm just hacking into the U.S. military's 555 00:30:31,295 --> 00:30:33,397 top secret raccoon-controlled satellite. 556 00:30:33,430 --> 00:30:35,231 Ha! That's not possible. 557 00:30:35,265 --> 00:30:37,700 Oh, no? Skippy! Pippy! 558 00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,072 You taught them English? 559 00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:42,506 You gave them names? 560 00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:43,540 .Yeah, it wasn't hard! 561 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,643 .And here we go! 562 00:31:05,895 --> 00:31:07,230 Shitsnakes. 563 00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:24,415 Oh, baby, we're in! Daddy'd be so proud of me. 564 00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,717 Oh, I forgot all about them. 565 00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:29,853 Well, they've done a lot of hard work today. 566 00:31:29,886 --> 00:31:32,188 We'll let them go home for the holidays. 567 00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:34,325 - But you said... - Move it, Chester! 568 00:31:36,492 --> 00:31:38,428 Jones, Billington, please! 569 00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:40,263 You don't realize what you're doing! 570 00:31:40,296 --> 00:31:41,464 We used to be colleagues! 571 00:31:41,498 --> 00:31:43,234 We used to fight these raccoons together! 572 00:31:43,267 --> 00:31:45,768 Those were the days before you sold out! 573 00:31:45,802 --> 00:31:47,738 Oh, I'm dead for real now. 574 00:31:47,770 --> 00:31:49,373 Right this way, m'lady! 575 00:31:49,405 --> 00:31:50,640 Don't call me your lady. 576 00:31:50,673 --> 00:31:52,575 That's the language of the patriarchy! 577 00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:54,879 Would saying "ladies first" be sexist? 578 00:31:54,911 --> 00:31:56,380 Yes, it would! 579 00:31:56,412 --> 00:31:57,448 Okay, great 580 00:32:00,816 --> 00:32:02,152 Ladies first! 581 00:32:04,787 --> 00:32:05,788 Jesus! 582 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,592 While the rest of the world was going digital, 583 00:32:08,624 --> 00:32:12,228 we made the PEN15 work for us by analog. 584 00:32:12,261 --> 00:32:14,565 You can put a bunch of shriek command codes on here, 585 00:32:14,597 --> 00:32:16,867 or just a bunch of raccoon porn. 586 00:32:21,404 --> 00:32:22,940 With all the satellite's operating data 587 00:32:22,972 --> 00:32:25,742 stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system. 588 00:32:25,776 --> 00:32:27,510 Unless they've got two VCRs, 589 00:32:27,544 --> 00:32:28,813 which is pretty fucking rare. 590 00:32:32,348 --> 00:32:33,616 Oh, boy! 591 00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:34,919 Looks like we got 592 00:32:34,951 --> 00:32:36,921 some shriek command codes to blow some shit up! 593 00:32:36,953 --> 00:32:37,954 Okay, Danger. 594 00:32:37,988 --> 00:32:40,290 Ticklesturd and the woman are both dead for real, 595 00:32:40,324 --> 00:32:42,392 got the hostages in the back of the train. 596 00:32:42,426 --> 00:32:43,727 We better make sure these little fellas 597 00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,564 have it under control. I don't want any boo-boos. 598 00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:52,536 Okay, boys and girls. 599 00:32:52,568 --> 00:32:54,171 Let's get it started in here! 600 00:33:03,814 --> 00:33:06,517 What the freak is going on? 601 00:33:06,549 --> 00:33:07,951 PEN15 missing! 602 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,753 PEN15 can't be found! 603 00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:11,788 Tammy, get me a freaking report! 604 00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:14,458 The space thingy's gone bye-bye! 605 00:33:14,490 --> 00:33:15,992 What do you mean? What bye-bye? 606 00:33:16,026 --> 00:33:17,961 PEN15! 607 00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:19,162 Bring it up on the screen. 608 00:33:19,196 --> 00:33:21,665 We can't! It's like somebody stole it or something! 609 00:33:21,698 --> 00:33:25,002 Oh, goddamnit! We were almost out of here for the holidays! 610 00:33:25,035 --> 00:33:25,936 Okay, here's what we do. 611 00:33:25,969 --> 00:33:27,770 We're going to go to Code Crazy status, 612 00:33:27,804 --> 00:33:30,341 we re gonna call Tom Puncher, Agent Charlesworth 613 00:33:30,373 --> 00:33:31,909 and Agent Woman as soon as possible. 614 00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,977 Yes, sir! 615 00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,511 Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington 616 00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,748 The military's top secret raccoon-controlled satellite belongs to us now. 617 00:33:52,763 --> 00:33:54,732 Oh, God! 618 00:33:54,765 --> 00:33:55,800 Come on, get in there! 619 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,036 Oh, man! I thought you were one of those 620 00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,870 ugly beavers man, with the guns! 621 00:34:00,903 --> 00:34:02,006 What are you doing out there? 622 00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:04,575 Oh, you know... 623 00:34:04,607 --> 00:34:05,475 ...just hanging out. 624 00:34:05,508 --> 00:34:07,411 - What's behind that door? - No, wait, wait! 625 00:34:07,443 --> 00:34:09,680 There's a bunch of those rodents out there, man! Don t open it! 626 00:34:09,712 --> 00:34:11,448 What, are you trying to become otter food or something? 627 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,517 They're not otters, they're not beavers. 628 00:34:13,549 --> 00:34:15,852 They're raccoons. And they're smart ones. 629 00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,255 Hold on. How do you know that? 630 00:34:18,020 --> 00:34:19,723 Story of my life. 631 00:34:19,756 --> 00:34:22,826 Do we have all our rich foreign clients online yet, Mr. Jones? 632 00:34:22,859 --> 00:34:26,864 Yep! We got Iran, Russia and North Korea now on the line. 633 00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:29,632 Gentlemen, how are ya? 634 00:34:29,665 --> 00:34:32,035 Riding camels, drinking vodka and me so horny? 635 00:34:32,069 --> 00:34:34,538 No, but seriously folks, I'm going to show you what the U.S. 636 00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,806 military's been hiding from ya. 637 00:34:35,839 --> 00:34:38,942 I know many of you have a hard time understanding the concept 638 00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:41,078 of a high-powered, raccoon-operated satellite 639 00:34:41,111 --> 00:34:43,080 and let's face it, who the fuck can blame ya? 640 00:34:43,113 --> 00:34:46,450 But do me a favor and keep a close eye on the city of Cannes 641 00:34:46,482 --> 00:34:47,917 for the next few minutes. 642 00:34:49,886 --> 00:34:51,455 What the hell is going on? 643 00:34:51,488 --> 00:34:52,756 Oh, hey there Tom. Nothing. 644 00:34:52,788 --> 00:34:54,591 We're locked out of the system for the moment. 645 00:34:54,623 --> 00:34:55,892 I thought we were the system! 646 00:34:55,926 --> 00:34:58,629 Anything from Agent Charlesworth or Agent Woman yet? 647 00:34:58,661 --> 00:34:59,763 Negative, sir. 648 00:34:59,796 --> 00:35:01,332 Now this is where it gets fun. 649 00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,433 Jones, you ever been to France? 650 00:35:03,466 --> 00:35:06,469 Nah, I always heard it was a bunch of liberal pussies! 651 00:35:06,502 --> 00:35:09,006 Well, you wouldn't be wrong, but it's also full of a bunch of 652 00:35:09,038 --> 00:35:10,807 wine-addicted people who are gonna have to 653 00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,042 get a whole lot drunker this Christmas 654 00:35:12,075 --> 00:35:14,745 when their prize film city gets blown away 655 00:35:14,777 --> 00:35:17,413 with a raccoon operated laser satellite! 656 00:35:17,446 --> 00:35:19,015 Look, man, I can't die here, okay? 657 00:35:19,049 --> 00:35:21,352 I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking coons 658 00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:22,819 on this motherfucking train! 659 00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:25,788 You mean raccoons, right? 660 00:35:25,821 --> 00:35:27,357 Of course! What else would I mean? 661 00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,559 Double A! You're not going to die on this train! 662 00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:30,895 Trust me, I was once like you. 663 00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:34,364 I lost the girl I loved and my best friend to these raccoons, 664 00:35:34,397 --> 00:35:36,733 but I grew up, I fought back and I won. 665 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:39,102 And if I can do it, you can, too. 666 00:35:39,136 --> 00:35:41,772 Now, is there some way to contact the outside world 667 00:35:41,805 --> 00:35:43,940 on this train? Like a pay phone? 668 00:35:43,973 --> 00:35:47,678 Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone. 669 00:35:47,710 --> 00:35:48,645 I mean, they took everything else, 670 00:35:48,678 --> 00:35:50,646 but mine's in my bag in the passenger car. 671 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:51,915 I'm sorry, a what phone? 672 00:35:51,948 --> 00:35:53,583 A smart phone? 673 00:35:53,616 --> 00:35:56,053 I mean, it's one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years? 674 00:35:56,819 --> 00:35:57,720 Oh, right 675 00:35:57,754 --> 00:35:59,655 You've been in jail the last ten years. 676 00:36:02,993 --> 00:36:04,194 Now watch this, Jones. 677 00:36:04,227 --> 00:36:07,663 I'm about to turn Cannes into "Can't be found on the map!" 678 00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,901 Because it's about to drop into the sea. 679 00:36:11,935 --> 00:36:15,471 Yeah, I got it. That's a good one. 680 00:36:15,504 --> 00:36:16,839 Skippy! Pippy! Do it! 681 00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,517 There it is! We got it back! 682 00:36:26,549 --> 00:36:27,850 Oh, thank Christ. 683 00:36:27,884 --> 00:36:29,387 I'm going back to the whorehouse. 684 00:36:33,656 --> 00:36:35,491 What the freak? 685 00:36:35,524 --> 00:36:37,827 Okay, so after I'm able to use the tiny keyboard 686 00:36:37,861 --> 00:36:40,998 on the "smart phone," I'll be able to find social media? 687 00:36:41,031 --> 00:36:43,600 Yeah, man. But look, never try to type while driving. You know what I'm saying? 688 00:36:43,632 --> 00:36:46,002 That's partly why I hit a raccoon ten years ago with my car 689 00:36:46,035 --> 00:36:48,104 - and ended up in jail! - Wait a minute 690 00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:49,506 We do know each other! 691 00:36:49,538 --> 00:36:51,507 I got arrested that same night in Independence! 692 00:36:51,540 --> 00:36:52,942 Oh, my God. 693 00:36:52,975 --> 00:36:55,578 You hit the momma raccoon that night and saved us. 694 00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,780 You do know how to fight these raccoons. 695 00:36:57,814 --> 00:37:00,216 But this time, we're not going to jail for it. 696 00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,018 This time, we're gonna win. 697 00:37:02,051 --> 00:37:04,954 Destroyed buildings, burning baguettes, 698 00:37:04,988 --> 00:37:07,024 thousands of rolls of film on fire. 699 00:37:07,056 --> 00:37:09,692 France is about to look like a World War II movie. 700 00:37:09,725 --> 00:37:11,727 It's processing the shriek command codes! 701 00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:14,198 I can't make it go offey! 702 00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:16,200 My God, they're targeting Cannes! 703 00:37:22,739 --> 00:37:25,108 It's going into arming mode! 704 00:37:25,140 --> 00:37:26,709 Shut it off, goddammit! 705 00:37:26,743 --> 00:37:29,078 They left me for dead, threw me to the raccoons, 706 00:37:29,111 --> 00:37:31,714 said I couldn't fill my daddy's shoes! 707 00:37:31,747 --> 00:37:33,950 They're activating a full scale seismic blast! 708 00:37:33,984 --> 00:37:35,853 Freaking shut it down! 709 00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:41,058 The abort shriek commands aren't going through! 710 00:37:41,091 --> 00:37:43,893 No one's gonna laugh at the name Ranger Rick Danger this year, 711 00:37:43,926 --> 00:37:45,195 or ever again! 712 00:38:00,009 --> 00:38:02,645 Shitsnakes? What does that even mean? 713 00:38:02,678 --> 00:38:04,947 That's something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. 714 00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:07,850 Call General Apathy at the Pentagon as soon as possible. 715 00:38:07,884 --> 00:38:10,521 Actually, General Apathy is in Independence this weekend. 716 00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,556 He was here for the holidays. 717 00:38:13,589 --> 00:38:16,125 Tell him Santa Claus is stuck in a freaking chimney. 718 00:38:17,127 --> 00:38:19,863 Now, gentlemen, as you can see, our high powered, 719 00:38:19,895 --> 00:38:23,299 raccoon-operated satellite is fully operational. 720 00:38:37,781 --> 00:38:39,983 Now that was just a little present for Christmas Eve. 721 00:38:40,015 --> 00:38:42,184 Our big old gift under a Christmas tree 722 00:38:42,218 --> 00:38:44,187 is called the Denver International Airport, 723 00:38:44,219 --> 00:38:47,256 where the U.S. government built a top secret military bunker 724 00:38:47,290 --> 00:38:49,259 that they won't even tell their citizens about! 725 00:38:49,292 --> 00:38:51,929 With the PEN15, we can take out the bunker, 726 00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:56,333 split the Rocky Mountains in two and divide the United States forever. 727 00:38:56,366 --> 00:38:59,102 The fee for this convenient empire removal? 728 00:38:59,134 --> 00:39:01,203 One gazillion dollars! 729 00:39:01,236 --> 00:39:04,073 One gazillion dollars? 730 00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,577 I just, I just made up a number, I... 731 00:39:08,712 --> 00:39:10,113 Ah, shit. 732 00:39:10,145 --> 00:39:12,682 What the hell is all this? 733 00:39:12,716 --> 00:39:13,917 I don't know, General. 734 00:39:13,950 --> 00:39:15,819 And I bet Congress doesn't know either. 735 00:39:15,852 --> 00:39:18,254 Generals! Thanks so much for coming. 736 00:39:18,288 --> 00:39:20,257 Uh, and happy holidays. 737 00:39:20,290 --> 00:39:22,125 Shut up, Mr. Secretary. 738 00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:24,261 What's really going on around here? 739 00:39:24,294 --> 00:39:25,696 And don't tell me it's one of those 740 00:39:25,728 --> 00:39:27,997 food stamp phone bank deals either. 741 00:39:28,031 --> 00:39:30,233 That's a funny one, sir. 742 00:39:30,265 --> 00:39:32,234 Okay, bring up the data images. 743 00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:35,172 So, sir, what we're looking at up here is PEN15, 744 00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:38,141 a brand new, recently launched laser satellite 745 00:39:38,174 --> 00:39:40,811 that's part of our raccoon weapons program. 746 00:39:40,843 --> 00:39:42,278 It's operated by raccoons 747 00:39:42,312 --> 00:39:46,016 and can only be communicated with via raccoon sounds. 748 00:39:46,049 --> 00:39:49,018 I've seen bigger, but what the hell does this thing do? 749 00:39:49,051 --> 00:39:51,254 It's fancy Pentagon speech, General. 750 00:39:51,286 --> 00:39:53,390 It's one of those Tesla earthquake machines. 751 00:39:53,422 --> 00:39:54,924 I thought they canned it, 752 00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:58,127 but those clowns got funding through the Secretary's dumb raccoon program. 753 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,262 I thought we shut that down! 754 00:40:00,296 --> 00:40:02,131 The CIA financed the project. 755 00:40:02,165 --> 00:40:04,067 What? You're telling me 756 00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:07,871 that your raccoon weapons program went into space? 757 00:40:07,904 --> 00:40:09,506 So, General, here's the problem. 758 00:40:09,538 --> 00:40:14,076 The raccoons at the moment are being controlled by somebody else and we can't stop it. 759 00:40:14,109 --> 00:40:16,646 My God. The earthquake that hit Cannes? 760 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,950 We already have a disinformation campaign in full swing, General. 761 00:40:19,982 --> 00:40:21,283 We're blaming it on fracking. 762 00:40:21,317 --> 00:40:24,286 Fracking? What the frack is fracking? 763 00:40:24,319 --> 00:40:27,323 I guess that's what we should expect from the CIA these days! 764 00:40:27,357 --> 00:40:30,427 Okay, we are now going into Code Lunacy status, folks. 765 00:40:30,460 --> 00:40:33,664 So let's find this raccoon satellite now! 766 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:12,268 Jesus, this keyboard is tiny. 767 00:41:22,145 --> 00:41:24,014 Did someone leave a smartphone on back there? 768 00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:25,882 Why don't you furballs go in there and it check out! 769 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,355 Oh, I should probably be careful 770 00:42:05,388 --> 00:42:06,790 wearing a hoodie around here. 771 00:42:19,102 --> 00:42:21,270 Say there Billy boy, will you go check on 772 00:42:21,303 --> 00:42:23,973 the lil' guy I sent back to the sleeping car? 773 00:42:24,006 --> 00:42:26,175 He might need a lil' human help. 774 00:42:26,542 --> 00:42:27,977 Sure thing. 775 00:42:37,553 --> 00:42:40,556 Okay, Danger, looks like they're ready to call the bunker. 776 00:42:40,589 --> 00:42:43,893 Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry Christmas to the Mayor, boys. 777 00:42:46,196 --> 00:42:49,366 Oh, man! Where'd you get that tiny machine gun? 778 00:42:49,399 --> 00:42:50,801 From a little friend. 779 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,902 Did you find any weapons? 780 00:42:51,935 --> 00:42:54,070 Naw, man, I just found this hoodie and a sandwich. 781 00:42:54,102 --> 00:42:55,371 And I ate the sandwich. 782 00:42:55,404 --> 00:42:57,339 Hey, any luck with my smartphone? 783 00:42:57,372 --> 00:43:01,477 It wasn't easy, but if I was able to use that tiny keyboard 784 00:43:01,511 --> 00:43:03,781 then you can use this tiny machine gun. 785 00:43:10,853 --> 00:43:12,122 Hold it like that 786 00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,190 You might need to pull the trigger with your pinky finger. 787 00:43:13,223 --> 00:43:15,793 Aw, come on, man, my fingers aren't that chubby. 788 00:43:23,165 --> 00:43:24,301 Something's afoot! 789 00:43:25,067 --> 00:43:26,569 What's up? 790 00:43:26,602 --> 00:43:27,970 How are you? 791 00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,272 Now, who the hell is that? 792 00:43:30,306 --> 00:43:32,843 My God, that's Ranger Rick Danger! 793 00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:36,011 Well, technically not a Ranger anymore, Mr. Mayor, 794 00:43:36,044 --> 00:43:40,382 or should I say Mr. Secretary, since you fired me ten years ago 795 00:43:40,415 --> 00:43:41,884 and tossed me away. 796 00:43:41,917 --> 00:43:43,953 As you can see, I've survived 797 00:43:43,986 --> 00:43:47,323 and taken the time to learn all the neat weapons you left on the campground, 798 00:43:47,357 --> 00:43:49,092 including the raccoons! 799 00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,261 And at this point, you're probably wondering 800 00:43:51,294 --> 00:43:53,864 how we took control of the PEN15! 801 00:43:53,897 --> 00:43:56,433 I wish Agent Chumpleshirt and his lady friend 802 00:43:56,466 --> 00:43:57,933 could tell you all about it, 803 00:43:57,966 --> 00:44:00,336 but unfortunately, they're dead for real now. 804 00:44:00,370 --> 00:44:01,404 Come on! 805 00:44:01,437 --> 00:44:04,241 I'm knobbing as fast I can! 806 00:44:04,274 --> 00:44:07,277 And since you guys probably know where PEN15 fired from, 807 00:44:07,310 --> 00:44:09,379 you think you're gonna find it real soon. 808 00:44:09,411 --> 00:44:10,613 Jones! 809 00:44:10,647 --> 00:44:13,415 That little furball we sent to the sleeping car is missing! 810 00:44:13,448 --> 00:44:15,551 Missing? Where'd he go? 811 00:44:15,585 --> 00:44:18,455 I don't know! I don't have the slightest idea! 812 00:44:18,488 --> 00:44:22,192 As you can see by PEN15's little demo today, 813 00:44:22,225 --> 00:44:26,096 your high-powered raccoon-operated satellite works like a dream. 814 00:44:26,129 --> 00:44:29,598 And now I'm going to use it and make it work like a nightmare. 815 00:44:29,631 --> 00:44:32,468 In 40 minutes, when the PEN15 is in place, 816 00:44:32,502 --> 00:44:38,007 I'm gonna use it to hit Denver with a 9,999 percent blast! 817 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,009 Y'all like blasts, right? 818 00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:42,077 Well, I'm going to use it to blow up the secret bunker 819 00:44:42,111 --> 00:44:44,647 you say isn't under the Denver airport. 820 00:44:47,015 --> 00:44:48,350 Son of a bitch! 821 00:44:48,384 --> 00:44:51,521 There'll be destruction, desolation and dang it! 822 00:44:51,553 --> 00:44:53,589 They'll have to redo all the maps. 823 00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,225 And you thought the country was divided now. 824 00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:57,560 Oh, and one more thing. 825 00:44:57,593 --> 00:44:59,462 I was always a pretty sweet Ranger. 826 00:44:59,495 --> 00:45:01,230 And my daddy was a good Ranger, too. 827 00:45:01,263 --> 00:45:03,999 And when the raccoons took over the campground, 828 00:45:04,033 --> 00:45:06,368 you didn't give me what I needed to take care of them. 829 00:45:06,402 --> 00:45:08,238 You betrayed me, Mr. Mayor. 830 00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:09,339 You betrayed your country, 831 00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,243 and now the raccoons are coming home to roost. 832 00:45:13,276 --> 00:45:14,511 Until we meet again. 833 00:45:14,544 --> 00:45:15,978 Assholes! 834 00:45:16,011 --> 00:45:17,479 Oh, Jesus Christ! 835 00:45:17,513 --> 00:45:20,049 Can somebody tell me what "dos vidaniya" means? 836 00:45:22,352 --> 00:45:24,386 - Where do you think he went? - I don t know! 837 00:45:24,419 --> 00:45:25,654 I'll go check the kitchen. 838 00:45:25,687 --> 00:45:27,589 Can somebody please let me know 839 00:45:27,622 --> 00:45:32,227 if we can track down this Danger guy before he blows up Denver? 840 00:45:32,261 --> 00:45:34,096 Maybe we should check the Moscow airport. 841 00:45:34,129 --> 00:45:36,966 Well, sir, the fact of the matter is we have to look through 842 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,703 the entire Earth's atmosphere to find this thing. 843 00:45:39,736 --> 00:45:41,004 It's going to be tough. 844 00:45:41,036 --> 00:45:44,040 Maybe we could find it in the sky! 845 00:45:44,073 --> 00:45:46,442 What? What are you talking about? 846 00:45:46,475 --> 00:45:50,312 I mean, the satellite thingy's in the sky 847 00:45:50,346 --> 00:45:54,417 and then we should probably be looking in the sky, 848 00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:58,620 cause that's where the satellite thingy was, 849 00:45:58,654 --> 00:46:00,090 you know? 850 00:46:00,122 --> 00:46:01,256 Oh, okay. 851 00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:02,625 Sounds good, I buy it. 852 00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:03,960 So where should we go? 853 00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:06,395 I need to get to the front of this train and see if I can stop it. 854 00:46:06,428 --> 00:46:08,397 You harness that energy you had ten years ago 855 00:46:08,431 --> 00:46:09,666 when you hit that momma raccoon. 856 00:46:09,698 --> 00:46:10,967 I know you can do it! 857 00:46:15,071 --> 00:46:16,773 You know what this is? 858 00:46:16,806 --> 00:46:18,708 This is what my friend Casey gave me. 859 00:46:18,741 --> 00:46:21,143 He said he killed the raccoon himself. 860 00:46:21,176 --> 00:46:24,513 That's right. I remember him saying something about that. 861 00:46:24,547 --> 00:46:25,648 I thought he was crazy, 862 00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:27,417 but maybe he was on to something. 863 00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:30,687 Exactly! He can fight these raccoons, 864 00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,522 no matter how cute they seem. 865 00:46:46,669 --> 00:46:51,274 Boys, it looks like there might be a surprise in Santa's sack. 866 00:46:51,306 --> 00:46:53,343 Fellas, let's do a double check. 867 00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:11,660 Fireworks and Wet Naps? 868 00:47:18,734 --> 00:47:20,303 We find anything yet? 869 00:47:21,571 --> 00:47:23,406 Checking now. 870 00:47:26,808 --> 00:47:29,478 The Lord has blessed us with clearance up here. 871 00:47:29,511 --> 00:47:31,647 Did you check the whole goddamn thing? 872 00:47:31,681 --> 00:47:34,584 Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't use language like that. 873 00:47:34,616 --> 00:47:36,585 Will one of you boys go check back there? 874 00:47:45,594 --> 00:47:47,230 God! He's up here in the engine! 875 00:47:55,805 --> 00:47:57,806 Jones, we're getting hit hard up here! 876 00:47:57,839 --> 00:48:00,477 Goddamn! I'm on my way. 877 00:48:03,411 --> 00:48:05,348 God has nothing to do with this. 878 00:48:20,529 --> 00:48:23,600 Any day now, gentlemen. This is most unpleasant. 879 00:48:26,736 --> 00:48:28,105 Come on, Doc! 880 00:48:53,395 --> 00:48:54,631 Oh, yeah. Pippy got him! 881 00:48:54,663 --> 00:48:56,332 Motherfucker fell under the engine! 882 00:48:56,364 --> 00:48:57,801 Check the wheels! 883 00:49:00,969 --> 00:49:02,805 She got him. 884 00:49:02,837 --> 00:49:06,509 Danger, our stowaway has been exterminated. 885 00:49:07,442 --> 00:49:08,777 You sure, Jones? 886 00:49:08,810 --> 00:49:10,779 Doc says he went under the wheels. 887 00:49:10,812 --> 00:49:13,450 By now, the bastard's reindeer meat. 888 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:19,689 Goddamn. 889 00:49:19,721 --> 00:49:21,457 That was fucking frustrating. 890 00:49:21,489 --> 00:49:23,426 Whoever that brave motherfucker is, 891 00:49:23,459 --> 00:49:25,495 he just took out a bunch of our best raccoons. 892 00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,763 All right, come on. 893 00:49:35,738 --> 00:49:39,542 Jones, I thought you said you trained these raccoons to be killing machines. 894 00:49:39,575 --> 00:49:41,977 I trained these furballs to be computer geniuses 895 00:49:42,011 --> 00:49:43,446 and they're doing a great fucking job. 896 00:49:43,478 --> 00:49:46,815 They do pretty good against people who never fought raccoons before, 897 00:49:46,848 --> 00:49:49,718 but it's like this guy has actually fought raccoons. 898 00:49:49,752 --> 00:49:52,555 But where? And when? 899 00:49:52,587 --> 00:49:55,658 And what the goddamn hell was he doing on this train? 900 00:49:55,690 --> 00:49:58,428 Jones was a pest removal expert and avid hunter 901 00:49:58,460 --> 00:50:00,763 from Independence whose body was also never found. 902 00:50:00,796 --> 00:50:02,665 He had inside knowledge of the campground 903 00:50:02,698 --> 00:50:03,933 and knew how to handle any weapon. 904 00:50:03,966 --> 00:50:07,536 Well, as usual, General, the CIA isn't giving you the full story. 905 00:50:07,569 --> 00:50:09,372 In addition to Jones and Danger 906 00:50:09,404 --> 00:50:12,374 and the now-probably- dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth, 907 00:50:12,408 --> 00:50:14,576 the other experts at Raccoon Creek ten years ago 908 00:50:14,609 --> 00:50:17,879 were the local pastor, Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington 909 00:50:17,913 --> 00:50:19,382 from the campground's clinic. 910 00:50:19,415 --> 00:50:21,317 Their bodies were also never found. 911 00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:22,785 Well sure, everybody knows 912 00:50:22,817 --> 00:50:24,653 a number of the victims were never found, 913 00:50:24,687 --> 00:50:26,656 but that was all part of the cover up, right? 914 00:50:26,689 --> 00:50:28,991 We have to make sure that nobody found out about this stuff. 915 00:50:29,024 --> 00:50:30,859 Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary. 916 00:50:30,893 --> 00:50:33,329 And your secret raccoon weapons program 917 00:50:33,361 --> 00:50:36,331 has been fucking everything up for everybody ever since!. 918 00:50:36,364 --> 00:50:37,667 And your point? 919 00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:39,502 Jesus, get outta here, will ya? 920 00:50:41,370 --> 00:50:43,573 If these guys were hanging around Raccoon Creek the last ten years, 921 00:50:43,605 --> 00:50:45,007 they probably know everything we've been doing. 922 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,477 They know the campground better than anybody 923 00:50:47,509 --> 00:50:48,578 and they probably have chips on their shoulders. 924 00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:52,748 A phone charger? 925 00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,455 Goddamn! 926 00:51:01,556 --> 00:51:03,058 Oh, man, you're hit! 927 00:51:03,091 --> 00:51:04,559 You think this is getting hit? 928 00:51:04,593 --> 00:51:05,661 This ain't getting hit. 929 00:51:05,694 --> 00:51:08,464 Those bullets are so tiny, I honestly have no idea 930 00:51:08,497 --> 00:51:09,765 how so many people have died. 931 00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:16,406 Looks like I need a password for access. 932 00:51:16,439 --> 00:51:18,375 I'll just try to crack a few programs. 933 00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:20,910 Now, let's see what we've got. 934 00:51:20,942 --> 00:51:24,046 Oh, looks like one of the porters from the train. 935 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,582 Looks like he accessed his social media account 936 00:51:26,614 --> 00:51:27,917 off of some wifi in the area 937 00:51:27,950 --> 00:51:31,520 and he sent a message... to my old deputy. 938 00:51:31,986 --> 00:51:33,321 Shane? 939 00:51:33,355 --> 00:51:36,959 And we're gonna need turkey and B-sprouts for Christmas dinner. 940 00:51:36,991 --> 00:51:39,661 And get fruit. I love fruit! 941 00:51:39,694 --> 00:51:40,830 But not that kind of fruit. 942 00:51:43,565 --> 00:51:46,835 I think we're about there, deep in the Appalachians. 943 00:51:46,868 --> 00:51:49,504 Shit, we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark. 944 00:51:49,538 --> 00:51:51,574 We're gonna be without roads, radio, 945 00:51:51,607 --> 00:51:55,378 wifi or any kind of contact with the outside world for three hours. 946 00:51:55,410 --> 00:51:56,978 Jesus. 947 00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:59,649 I hope I did the Social Media good enough to get a message through to Shane. 948 00:51:59,681 --> 00:52:02,451 'Cause if not, we're the only ones who can stop them. 949 00:52:03,718 --> 00:52:05,321 How are you with VCRs? 950 00:52:05,788 --> 00:52:06,989 Wait a minute. 951 00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,025 The message isn't signed by the porter. 952 00:52:09,058 --> 00:52:13,463 It says, "Sincerely, Casey Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty 953 00:52:13,495 --> 00:52:15,864 and yes it really is me, this is not a joke." 954 00:52:15,897 --> 00:52:18,700 Smallwood? The name sounds familiar. 955 00:52:18,734 --> 00:52:21,504 Yeah, it sounds really familiar. 956 00:52:21,536 --> 00:52:23,772 Say, wasn't that the college student everyone thought 957 00:52:23,806 --> 00:52:25,641 killed the raccoon ten years ago? 958 00:52:25,674 --> 00:52:27,977 Oh, yeah! Tom. Tom Smallwood! 959 00:52:28,009 --> 00:52:29,544 Didn't he try to fight the raccoons 960 00:52:29,578 --> 00:52:31,413 with that old hippie that lived in the forest? 961 00:52:31,446 --> 00:52:33,915 Jeff Tuck? You think he's not dead for real either? 962 00:52:33,948 --> 00:52:36,118 No way! We would've seen him by now. 963 00:52:36,152 --> 00:52:39,489 Besides, that old hippie used to just poop in the woods 964 00:52:39,522 --> 00:52:41,056 and bone animals. 965 00:52:54,669 --> 00:52:56,939 - Okay. - What? What? 966 00:53:01,843 --> 00:53:05,614 But seriously, if this Smallwood kid isn't dead for real 967 00:53:05,647 --> 00:53:07,517 and he has experience fighting the raccoons, 968 00:53:07,549 --> 00:53:10,620 he is literally the one person we don't want on this train! 969 00:53:10,652 --> 00:53:12,421 Say, Billy boy. 970 00:53:12,455 --> 00:53:14,857 When you looked under the train for the stowaway, 971 00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:16,158 did you actually see the body? 972 00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:17,660 Well, I saw some train tracks 973 00:53:17,692 --> 00:53:20,497 and some blood and I just presumed. 974 00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:26,501 Presumption is the father of all boo-boos! 975 00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:28,904 I'm sorry! Just, no more slapping. 976 00:53:28,937 --> 00:53:31,973 With all the scars on my face and the missing chunks and what not. 977 00:53:32,006 --> 00:53:34,576 I want all hands and paws on deck! 978 00:53:34,609 --> 00:53:36,478 I want this train searched left side, 979 00:53:36,511 --> 00:53:39,080 right side, inside, outside, from floor to ceiling! 980 00:53:39,114 --> 00:53:41,551 We will not be defeated by Smallwoods! 981 00:53:45,087 --> 00:53:46,122 Come on! 982 00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:57,233 You really think this Smallwood kid is still alive? 983 00:53:57,265 --> 00:54:00,135 I mean, until someone sees a corpse that's dead for real, 984 00:54:00,169 --> 00:54:03,638 I'll always think it's possible, especially given our situation. 985 00:54:03,672 --> 00:54:04,974 Okay. 986 00:54:05,006 --> 00:54:07,476 Then why the fuck is he on this train? 987 00:54:07,509 --> 00:54:08,844 Pull up the passenger list. 988 00:54:08,877 --> 00:54:10,779 Let's see if he was with anyone else. 989 00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,747 You don t think he was on here with Tuck, do you? 990 00:54:12,781 --> 00:54:14,083 Or that Arab? 991 00:54:14,116 --> 00:54:16,552 There's only one way to find out. Print it! 992 00:54:16,585 --> 00:54:18,221 So what are you gonna look for? Tuck? 993 00:54:18,254 --> 00:54:20,156 - Some Arab? - I don't know 994 00:54:20,189 --> 00:54:21,991 But a man who fights raccoons 995 00:54:22,024 --> 00:54:25,995 wouldn't leave his plus-one unprotected in a situation like this. 996 00:54:28,663 --> 00:54:30,533 Oh, snap, fifteen missed notifications? 997 00:54:31,734 --> 00:54:34,670 Ooh, who's this grande latte? 998 00:54:35,803 --> 00:54:37,105 O-M-G. 999 00:54:37,939 --> 00:54:39,075 Jesus. 1000 00:54:44,013 --> 00:54:45,848 Aunt Sally's mittens! 1001 00:54:56,859 --> 00:55:01,130 Let us know if you smell any... fear. 1002 00:55:08,770 --> 00:55:11,039 - What's he looking for? - I don't know. 1003 00:55:11,073 --> 00:55:12,107 Hopefully not me. 1004 00:55:15,076 --> 00:55:16,178 I have an idea. 1005 00:55:16,210 --> 00:55:17,546 So what do we do now? 1006 00:55:17,580 --> 00:55:18,848 What do we do now? 1007 00:55:18,881 --> 00:55:21,518 Oh, we're gonna make a little Christmas cocktail. 1008 00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:33,996 What's your name, young lady? 1009 00:55:34,029 --> 00:55:36,799 Anderson. Andy Anderson. 1010 00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:37,834 Sounds made up! 1011 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,234 And... 1012 00:55:39,835 --> 00:55:41,771 Nope, it's not on the list. 1013 00:55:41,803 --> 00:55:44,205 I work on the train, at the bar. 1014 00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:48,010 And you don't have a uniform like Shelley here? 1015 00:55:48,042 --> 00:55:50,078 Changed out of it when you guys took over the train. 1016 00:55:52,114 --> 00:55:53,683 So how is this supposed to work? 1017 00:55:53,716 --> 00:55:56,286 We just need to put a little fire into these works. 1018 00:55:57,620 --> 00:55:58,754 What? 1019 00:55:58,786 --> 00:56:00,089 We just need to shake it off. 1020 00:56:00,122 --> 00:56:01,857 Man, stop speaking in song lyrics. 1021 00:56:05,861 --> 00:56:07,196 Well, well, well. 1022 00:56:07,228 --> 00:56:10,299 Who gave this to ya? Might not be a good idea 1023 00:56:10,332 --> 00:56:12,902 to wear that around these boys. 1024 00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:19,241 Wow, you're a brave little motherfucker. 1025 00:56:19,274 --> 00:56:22,011 You're gonna need a lot more than tasers to hurt us, though. 1026 00:56:22,044 --> 00:56:24,279 Our bodies are mostly scar-tissue at this point, 1027 00:56:24,312 --> 00:56:26,281 and that just feels tingly. 1028 00:56:28,317 --> 00:56:30,119 Hey, leave her alone! 1029 00:56:36,759 --> 00:56:38,294 Man, that doesn't even make sense. 1030 00:56:38,326 --> 00:56:40,796 It'll make sense when I charge my way to victory. 1031 00:56:41,663 --> 00:56:43,165 You ready to hit eject? 1032 00:56:48,069 --> 00:56:50,640 Imagine a fire pit along the Rocky Mountains. 1033 00:56:50,672 --> 00:56:52,908 It's gonna be like a big ol' hot tub. 1034 00:57:08,790 --> 00:57:10,325 Goddamn small dick! 1035 00:57:15,397 --> 00:57:18,634 Shitsnakes! We've lost PEN15! 1036 00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:22,304 I got the golden VHS tape! 1037 00:57:22,337 --> 00:57:24,974 Nice! Now let's get to the baggage car! 1038 00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:28,744 He took the golden VHS tape. I can't do anything without it! 1039 00:57:31,046 --> 00:57:34,683 Come on! We're almost there! 1040 00:57:34,716 --> 00:57:37,385 He's headed for the baggage car in the back of the train. 1041 00:57:37,419 --> 00:57:40,723 Don't shoot him. He's got the VHS tape. 1042 00:57:42,357 --> 00:57:43,359 Oh! 1043 00:57:46,227 --> 00:57:47,396 They're off the train! 1044 00:57:52,835 --> 00:57:54,970 Pookie, stop the train! 1045 00:57:55,002 --> 00:57:58,040 Sure thing, Jones. Let's give these boys a break! 1046 00:58:31,473 --> 00:58:33,342 Okay, Reverend, take us back. 1047 00:58:33,375 --> 00:58:34,911 Right. Okay. 1048 00:58:46,020 --> 00:58:47,156 Later on! 1049 00:58:51,058 --> 00:58:53,461 This train might as well be a toy going around 1050 00:58:53,495 --> 00:58:55,998 a Christmas tree without that VHS tape. 1051 00:58:56,031 --> 00:58:59,736 Couldn't you just have made some other copies? 1052 00:59:01,069 --> 00:59:02,271 Yeah, I... 1053 00:59:02,303 --> 00:59:04,773 I definitely could've done that. 1054 00:59:11,113 --> 00:59:12,381 Let's latch on here. 1055 00:59:19,221 --> 00:59:21,958 Be a doll and just wait right here, would ya? 1056 00:59:25,993 --> 00:59:28,330 Okay, here we go. 1057 00:59:38,473 --> 00:59:41,076 It's the chubby porter! Go get him! 1058 00:59:44,178 --> 00:59:47,348 Danger! Jones! It appears Smallwood has an accomplice. 1059 00:59:47,381 --> 00:59:49,351 It's the chubby porter with the smart phone. 1060 00:59:51,419 --> 00:59:54,455 He's getting away with the golden VHS tape! 1061 00:59:54,489 --> 00:59:56,158 Well, don't shoot the chub chub. 1062 00:59:56,190 --> 00:59:57,526 We can't let anything happen to it. 1063 01:00:02,531 --> 01:00:05,267 I bet you want that golden VHS tape, don't ya? 1064 01:00:06,868 --> 01:00:08,904 Well, too bad. It's down there. 1065 01:00:15,977 --> 01:00:17,145 Where'd the chubby porter go? 1066 01:00:17,178 --> 01:00:19,381 I don't know! A few cars down that way. 1067 01:00:31,292 --> 01:00:33,194 Oh, shit, man! Hands up. Don't shoot, man! 1068 01:00:33,227 --> 01:00:36,297 Come on, look what do you want, the golden VHS, man? 1069 01:00:36,330 --> 01:00:38,033 Look, man, I dropped it somewhere. 1070 01:00:38,065 --> 01:00:40,569 Like, I think it's under the train or something, man. 1071 01:00:40,602 --> 01:00:43,172 Come on, brother, all I got is your coon ass!. 1072 01:00:44,605 --> 01:00:46,908 Ho! There goes the chubby porter. 1073 01:00:50,379 --> 01:00:52,147 Goddamn! 1074 01:00:57,018 --> 01:00:58,020 Oh, shit! 1075 01:01:01,156 --> 01:01:02,190 Okay, Reverend. 1076 01:01:02,223 --> 01:01:04,593 Take us to Washington, full steam. 1077 01:01:11,565 --> 01:01:12,901 Aw, no! 1078 01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,657 Well, I guess your small dick buddy 1079 01:01:34,689 --> 01:01:36,258 wasn't as good as I thought. 1080 01:01:44,665 --> 01:01:47,468 Okay, Danger, you're back in the game. 1081 01:01:47,502 --> 01:01:49,404 Now make that banana split. 1082 01:01:56,310 --> 01:01:57,613 Goddamn it, Casey. 1083 01:01:59,314 --> 01:02:02,484 Maybe I am still Ty. 1084 01:02:02,517 --> 01:02:04,620 I'd take you over Charlie any day. 1085 01:02:08,556 --> 01:02:09,959 Tuck? 1086 01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,596 Okay, ladies and germs, we're back online. 1087 01:02:14,629 --> 01:02:16,464 And it looks like we didn't lose anything vital 1088 01:02:16,497 --> 01:02:18,099 for splitting the country in two. 1089 01:02:18,132 --> 01:02:19,234 Let's do it. 1090 01:02:19,267 --> 01:02:21,736 I'm locking PEN15 into Denver now. 1091 01:02:21,770 --> 01:02:25,040 The mile high city will be a cloud of weed smoke 1092 01:02:25,073 --> 01:02:28,176 in 20 minutes. 1093 01:02:28,210 --> 01:02:31,247 Ah! Looks like that Danger piece of shit started another countdown! 1094 01:02:35,082 --> 01:02:37,685 But I thought you were dead for real! 1095 01:02:37,718 --> 01:02:41,489 Oh, come on, man. Everyone else ain't dead for real, why not me, bro? 1096 01:02:42,390 --> 01:02:43,291 But how? 1097 01:02:43,326 --> 01:02:45,561 Well, I survived the big fireworks explosion, 1098 01:02:45,593 --> 01:02:47,528 then I just kept living in the woods like I always did. 1099 01:02:47,562 --> 01:02:50,199 Then the Mayor and U.S. military turned the campground 1100 01:02:50,232 --> 01:02:53,469 into a big weapons facility to harness the power of the raccoons. 1101 01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:56,171 Then it turns out Ranger Danger and those jerkholes weren't dead 1102 01:02:56,203 --> 01:02:58,207 for real either, so I just laid low, 1103 01:02:58,239 --> 01:03:00,542 kept tabs on everybody, and then when they made their move, 1104 01:03:00,575 --> 01:03:01,643 I made mine, man. 1105 01:03:01,676 --> 01:03:04,145 I, uh, kept pretty good track of everybody so far, 1106 01:03:04,178 --> 01:03:06,614 but, uh, then I had to stop and uh, get a little high. 1107 01:03:08,283 --> 01:03:10,085 Oh, Tuck, I missed you, man! 1108 01:03:10,118 --> 01:03:12,388 Oh, man, all right, okay. 1109 01:03:12,421 --> 01:03:14,723 Those raccoons from ten years ago, they're back! 1110 01:03:14,756 --> 01:03:15,991 They just attacked that train 1111 01:03:16,024 --> 01:03:18,594 and Ranger Danger and his expert friends were there, too. 1112 01:03:18,627 --> 01:03:19,695 - You were right! - Yeah, of course, man! 1113 01:03:19,727 --> 01:03:22,230 It's a big raccoon military experiment gone wrong. 1114 01:03:22,263 --> 01:03:24,466 I have literally been trying to say that for decades. 1115 01:03:24,498 --> 01:03:27,102 Come on, Tuck! You taught me how to fight raccoons, 1116 01:03:27,134 --> 01:03:28,169 don't you want to catch them? 1117 01:03:28,203 --> 01:03:30,372 I mean, you're here, I'm here. 1118 01:03:30,404 --> 01:03:33,109 We're so close! You think this is just a coincidence? 1119 01:03:35,777 --> 01:03:38,213 Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude. That was so gross. 1120 01:03:38,245 --> 01:03:39,580 No, that's my bad. 1121 01:03:39,614 --> 01:03:41,216 I should've expected that. 1122 01:03:41,248 --> 01:03:43,118 Dude, I totally remember you, man! 1123 01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,254 We fought those raccoons ten years ago, man. 1124 01:03:45,286 --> 01:03:46,321 That was a great time! 1125 01:03:46,353 --> 01:03:48,589 You're, uh, you're Ty, right? 1126 01:03:48,622 --> 01:03:50,091 Yeah, that's me. 1127 01:03:51,125 --> 01:03:52,460 Now let's get on that train. 1128 01:03:54,296 --> 01:03:55,531 How did you get here? 1129 01:03:55,564 --> 01:03:57,832 Oh, yeah, I actually have a mode of transportation 1130 01:03:57,866 --> 01:03:59,802 that's a lot faster with two people. 1131 01:03:59,835 --> 01:04:01,170 You in? 1132 01:04:01,203 --> 01:04:02,471 Of course! What do I have to do? 1133 01:04:02,504 --> 01:04:04,073 I mean, I haven't driven in like, ten years. 1134 01:04:04,105 --> 01:04:06,308 Oh, man, you don't need to drive. How's your arm strength? 1135 01:04:06,341 --> 01:04:08,377 Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen. 1136 01:04:08,410 --> 01:04:10,546 Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it? 1137 01:04:13,247 --> 01:04:16,084 I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah. 1138 01:04:16,118 --> 01:04:17,353 I was jerking it quite a bit. 1139 01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:19,388 Well, man, let's pull and jerk our way to victory, baby! 1140 01:04:19,421 --> 01:04:20,556 - Let's do it! - Let's do it. 1141 01:04:24,192 --> 01:04:28,163 Sir! Shane from the very popular restaurant in Independence is on the phone. 1142 01:04:28,196 --> 01:04:29,498 Shane? 1143 01:04:29,531 --> 01:04:31,866 Shane was another one of my Rangers ten years ago, General. 1144 01:04:31,899 --> 01:04:35,369 Really? Does he know about the raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary? 1145 01:04:35,402 --> 01:04:36,603 You know, I certainly hope not. 1146 01:04:36,638 --> 01:04:39,607 He's one of those people I sent to a conversion therapy camp. 1147 01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:41,876 So the result is he's not very gay now, 1148 01:04:41,910 --> 01:04:44,613 he's forgotten about the raccoons, got a super-hot wife, 1149 01:04:44,645 --> 01:04:46,547 nice restaurant. We should be good to go. 1150 01:04:46,580 --> 01:04:49,317 Okay, I get it. It doesn't matter if he used to be gay. 1151 01:04:49,350 --> 01:04:50,585 Don't ask, don't tell. 1152 01:04:50,618 --> 01:04:52,386 Sir, that's actually not a policy anymore. 1153 01:04:52,419 --> 01:04:54,222 We need to hurry. This is about the last train 1154 01:04:54,256 --> 01:04:55,790 that left from Independence to Washington today. 1155 01:04:55,823 --> 01:04:57,859 The last train to Washington? 1156 01:04:57,893 --> 01:04:59,595 Agent Woman was on that train! 1157 01:05:04,366 --> 01:05:08,370 That's it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby. 1158 01:05:08,402 --> 01:05:10,605 Hello? Is the former mayor of Independence there? 1159 01:05:10,638 --> 01:05:12,006 Well, hi there, Shane! 1160 01:05:12,040 --> 01:05:15,843 Yeah, although, hey, for the record, I am now the Secretary of Defense. 1161 01:05:15,877 --> 01:05:18,779 Oh, right! Thanks again for everything you've done for me 1162 01:05:18,812 --> 01:05:20,314 and the city of Independence, sir. 1163 01:05:20,348 --> 01:05:21,683 Yeah, no prob, Shane! 1164 01:05:21,716 --> 01:05:24,585 Hey, we're in the middle of a little situation here, what's up? 1165 01:05:24,618 --> 01:05:25,586 I have a Social Media sent to me 1166 01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,823 by the train porter on the Holiday Express. 1167 01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:31,627 Please tell the former Mayor of Independence 1168 01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:33,661 that whoever's in charge of the secret weapon program 1169 01:05:33,694 --> 01:05:36,297 at Raccoon Creek that their experiment's gone terribly wrong. 1170 01:05:36,330 --> 01:05:39,901 Over 25 raccoons and former ranger Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek 1171 01:05:39,935 --> 01:05:42,638 hijacked the last Holiday Express to Washington today. 1172 01:05:42,671 --> 01:05:45,473 This group includes other experts who helped Ranger Danger 1173 01:05:45,506 --> 01:05:47,875 fight the raccoons at Raccoon Creek ten years ago. 1174 01:05:47,908 --> 01:05:51,279 They also have a bunch of high tech satellite equipment or something. 1175 01:05:51,312 --> 01:05:53,481 High tech satellite equipment or something? 1176 01:05:53,515 --> 01:05:54,783 That's them! 1177 01:05:54,817 --> 01:05:55,984 I couldn't figure out Social Media and this dude 1178 01:05:56,018 --> 01:05:58,887 works on the train and he's from ten years ago, too! 1179 01:05:58,919 --> 01:06:01,422 O-M-G smiley face. 1180 01:06:01,455 --> 01:06:03,224 O-M-G indeed! 1181 01:06:03,257 --> 01:06:05,493 Get me the location of the Holiday Express. 1182 01:06:05,527 --> 01:06:06,562 Roger that, General! 1183 01:06:06,594 --> 01:06:08,363 Who sent the Social Media message? 1184 01:06:08,397 --> 01:06:12,201 Well, it was sent to me by the train porter on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A, 1185 01:06:12,234 --> 01:06:14,303 but it was actually my friend Ty Smallwood. 1186 01:06:14,335 --> 01:06:15,536 Smallwood? 1187 01:06:15,569 --> 01:06:16,904 Why does that name sound so familiar? 1188 01:06:16,937 --> 01:06:19,207 We fought the raccoons together at Raccoon Creek 1189 01:06:19,241 --> 01:06:21,276 before you had him locked up for underage drinking. 1190 01:06:21,308 --> 01:06:22,810 Oh! Right. 1191 01:06:26,547 --> 01:06:28,716 Come on! Pump that juice, baby! 1192 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:31,553 What is the closest air base to the Holiday Express? 1193 01:06:31,585 --> 01:06:33,288 Probably our secret Appalachian base, sir. 1194 01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:35,991 Great! Let's get some planes to go after that train, hm? 1195 01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,694 Sir! There's over 100 innocent people on that train. 1196 01:06:38,727 --> 01:06:40,995 I know. But this country's gonna be split in two 1197 01:06:41,029 --> 01:06:43,765 if this small dick kid can't stop these raccoons 1198 01:06:43,797 --> 01:06:44,799 Scramble the fighters. 1199 01:06:45,933 --> 01:06:47,202 Yes, sir! 1200 01:06:48,703 --> 01:06:50,973 General, I really like where your head is at. 1201 01:06:51,006 --> 01:06:53,408 We can wipe out Danger, the Smallwood kid 1202 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:55,477 and a bunch of raccoons all at once. 1203 01:06:55,509 --> 01:06:57,678 Shut the fuck up, Mr. Secretary! 1204 01:06:57,712 --> 01:06:59,480 We're in this mess because of you. 1205 01:06:59,513 --> 01:07:01,950 Now get your bureaucratic ass the hell out of here. 1206 01:07:02,884 --> 01:07:03,886 Move! 1207 01:07:04,852 --> 01:07:06,321 Oh, and you're fired! 1208 01:07:09,991 --> 01:07:11,960 Why the hell did I get back on this train? 1209 01:07:12,926 --> 01:07:13,962 There it is! 1210 01:07:15,462 --> 01:07:16,598 Let's hit it! 1211 01:07:18,799 --> 01:07:20,635 Sorry about your small dick friend, missy. 1212 01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,536 As I learned ten years ago, 1213 01:07:22,569 --> 01:07:25,406 college kids and raccoons just don't mix. 1214 01:07:25,439 --> 01:07:29,677 Have a tendency to make pretty girls like you just disappear. 1215 01:07:31,946 --> 01:07:35,317 The raccoons chewed off my balls ten years ago. 1216 01:07:35,350 --> 01:07:37,919 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that to get a rise out of me. 1217 01:07:37,951 --> 01:07:40,022 Jones, leave her alone. 1218 01:07:40,055 --> 01:07:43,292 You wouldn't want to piss off her small dick boyfriend again. 1219 01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,926 He's not my boyfriend. 1220 01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,462 Yeah, he's not her boyfriend. 1221 01:07:47,495 --> 01:07:50,332 Besides, small dick is dead. 1222 01:07:50,364 --> 01:07:52,500 Oh, yeah? Did you see his body? 1223 01:07:52,533 --> 01:07:53,669 Because, you know, 1224 01:07:53,701 --> 01:07:55,337 that's kind of why we're all here. 1225 01:07:55,370 --> 01:07:57,705 Presumption is the father of all boo-boos. 1226 01:07:57,739 --> 01:07:58,974 Well, he might be dead, 1227 01:07:59,006 --> 01:08:01,942 he might be alive, but there's no way he's on this train. 1228 01:08:01,975 --> 01:08:05,046 And there's no way he's getting back on this train 1229 01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:07,949 in some crazy, unrealistic fashion! 1230 01:08:07,982 --> 01:08:10,384 Okay! Just get me on the back of the train 1231 01:08:10,417 --> 01:08:11,486 then you go for help! 1232 01:08:11,518 --> 01:08:14,589 Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya again later down the line. 1233 01:08:14,622 --> 01:08:17,292 Okay, Tuck. I'm going to do it! 1234 01:08:33,942 --> 01:08:35,444 That's it, baby! 1235 01:08:35,477 --> 01:08:38,714 Hendrix! Hendrix! 1236 01:08:38,746 --> 01:08:40,715 Get me an evacuation order for Denver. 1237 01:08:40,748 --> 01:08:41,916 Just the bunker, sir? 1238 01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:42,850 What about the city? 1239 01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:44,953 Oh, forget the city, they're all stoned! 1240 01:08:44,986 --> 01:08:46,322 They'll freak out. 1241 01:08:48,122 --> 01:08:49,857 Hey, Independence Whorehouse? 1242 01:08:49,890 --> 01:08:50,759 Yeah, it's Tom. 1243 01:08:50,791 --> 01:08:52,928 Can I get extra happy endings tonight? 1244 01:08:57,098 --> 01:08:58,734 I should've just lived in the woods. 1245 01:08:59,834 --> 01:09:02,470 Drop the tiny machine gun, chubby! 1246 01:09:06,907 --> 01:09:09,076 Well, I gotta hand it to ya. 1247 01:09:09,109 --> 01:09:11,712 You college kids sure did give us a run for our money. 1248 01:09:11,746 --> 01:09:13,148 Hey, I'm not in college, man. 1249 01:09:13,180 --> 01:09:15,049 Oh, I'm sorry! Was that not sensitive? 1250 01:09:15,082 --> 01:09:16,718 Was that not PC? 1251 01:09:16,751 --> 01:09:18,387 Oh, it was very PC. 1252 01:09:18,420 --> 01:09:20,689 As in pretty clear you're gonna die, dickhead. 1253 01:09:20,721 --> 01:09:21,924 Ain't that right, brother? 1254 01:09:28,028 --> 01:09:29,665 I'm dead for real now. 1255 01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:32,666 Damn, that was dope, bro! 1256 01:09:32,700 --> 01:09:34,568 Let's go kick some more coon ass! 1257 01:09:34,602 --> 01:09:36,971 Great! Praise Allah to you too. 1258 01:09:38,773 --> 01:09:40,675 All right, boys, we've got a gazillion dollars 1259 01:09:40,707 --> 01:09:41,843 waiting for us in the Bahamas. 1260 01:09:41,876 --> 01:09:44,012 We just gotta catch a ride off of here 1261 01:09:44,045 --> 01:09:45,947 and blow the shit out of Denver! 1262 01:09:45,979 --> 01:09:49,483 Stay tuned for this country being fucked right in half. 1263 01:09:49,517 --> 01:09:51,685 Arrangements have been made for everyone to get picked up 1264 01:09:51,719 --> 01:09:55,189 in long black cars in Washington. 1265 01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:59,560 Long black cars and fire trucks and ambulances. 1266 01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:08,537 There's a common axiom which every good camper knows. 1267 01:10:08,569 --> 01:10:11,407 When in doubt, take the shortcut. 1268 01:10:21,782 --> 01:10:25,887 Looks like things are about to get a little off track. 1269 01:10:28,922 --> 01:10:31,893 Wait, the old logging factory isn't on the same side it usually is. 1270 01:10:31,925 --> 01:10:33,727 We usually go around this town on the other side. 1271 01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:36,665 We're not even on the right tracks to Washington. 1272 01:10:36,697 --> 01:10:39,767 Jesus! It looks like we're headed to Washington, all right. 1273 01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:41,236 The Washington Canyon. 1274 01:10:41,269 --> 01:10:43,238 The bridge is out and we're headed straight for it. 1275 01:10:43,270 --> 01:10:46,608 If we don't stop this thing, everyone's gonna die. 1276 01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:47,541 Wait, you're not going to let 1277 01:10:47,576 --> 01:10:49,578 these raccoons screw you over again, are you? 1278 01:10:49,611 --> 01:10:50,612 No. 1279 01:10:51,078 --> 01:10:52,714 Not this time. 1280 01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:54,114 That's the Washington Canyon. 1281 01:10:54,148 --> 01:10:55,984 It's been a dead end on the tracks for years. 1282 01:10:56,017 --> 01:10:57,519 Unfortunately, they're headed right for it. 1283 01:10:57,551 --> 01:10:58,719 Can we contact them? 1284 01:10:58,752 --> 01:11:01,022 Not as long as they're in for a dark Christmas in the dark. 1285 01:11:01,054 --> 01:11:02,923 There's no reception up there, 1286 01:11:02,956 --> 01:11:04,091 especially at night. 1287 01:11:11,099 --> 01:11:12,701 Come in, Independence. 1288 01:11:12,733 --> 01:11:13,968 We are approaching the target. 1289 01:11:14,001 --> 01:11:15,803 - General Negligence? - Yes, sir? 1290 01:11:15,836 --> 01:11:17,705 Authorize the planes to fire. 1291 01:11:17,738 --> 01:11:19,006 Yes, sir. 1292 01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,709 Roger that. We're going in! 1293 01:11:25,013 --> 01:11:27,515 Sweet mother of shit, forgive us. 1294 01:11:28,983 --> 01:11:30,051 There's something coming in. 1295 01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:31,720 What? They found us? 1296 01:11:31,752 --> 01:11:33,755 Because of Tom fucking small cock? 1297 01:11:33,787 --> 01:11:36,190 Can't you just shoot it down with the satellite? 1298 01:11:36,224 --> 01:11:38,126 Shitsnakes, no! I can't do that. 1299 01:11:38,158 --> 01:11:40,595 I got PEN15 locked on Denver. 1300 01:11:46,733 --> 01:11:47,801 Wait a minute. 1301 01:11:47,835 --> 01:11:50,538 If the planes are slow enough, I could target them. 1302 01:11:52,340 --> 01:11:53,775 There they are. 1303 01:11:53,808 --> 01:11:56,278 See? Told ya you could shoot it down. 1304 01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:57,578 That's why I said that. 1305 01:12:02,082 --> 01:12:03,785 Shh! 1306 01:12:05,319 --> 01:12:06,522 We're the good guys. 1307 01:12:17,799 --> 01:12:22,604 I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon. I was just touching up my boobies. 1308 01:12:23,270 --> 01:12:24,273 Titties? 1309 01:12:27,875 --> 01:12:29,743 Breasteseses. 1310 01:12:29,777 --> 01:12:31,279 Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot. 1311 01:12:35,983 --> 01:12:37,084 Where are all the passengers? 1312 01:12:37,117 --> 01:12:38,352 They must be on the passenger car. 1313 01:12:38,385 --> 01:12:40,054 Let's double team it in the rear! 1314 01:12:41,288 --> 01:12:42,924 They shot down one of the planes! 1315 01:12:42,956 --> 01:12:44,291 Son of a bitch! 1316 01:13:12,220 --> 01:13:14,323 Goddamn Smallwood! 1317 01:13:42,450 --> 01:13:44,219 I've got the target on lock. 1318 01:13:44,251 --> 01:13:45,987 Ready to fire on your command. 1319 01:13:55,962 --> 01:13:57,666 Shitsnakes times two. 1320 01:13:59,466 --> 01:14:01,135 Get me the President! 1321 01:14:04,871 --> 01:14:08,142 Hello? A raccoon weapons program? 1322 01:14:08,175 --> 01:14:10,745 Cut the program, put it into school lunches, 1323 01:14:10,778 --> 01:14:13,014 Where's the bunker? I'm on my way. 1324 01:14:13,046 --> 01:14:14,382 Jane! Slippers! 1325 01:14:17,852 --> 01:14:19,220 Ranger Rick Danger. 1326 01:14:21,221 --> 01:14:22,924 Tom Smallwood? 1327 01:14:22,956 --> 01:14:25,859 It's Ty. I'm coming for Darlene 1328 01:14:25,893 --> 01:14:29,197 and then I'm coming for you and your raccoons. 1329 01:14:29,229 --> 01:14:31,700 You better hurry or these raccoons are going to do to her 1330 01:14:31,733 --> 01:14:33,201 what they did to her sister. 1331 01:14:37,404 --> 01:14:40,242 Ya! Gotta keep 'em separated! 1332 01:14:48,148 --> 01:14:49,416 Double A, what are you doing? 1333 01:14:49,450 --> 01:14:51,118 I'm coming with you to finish this! 1334 01:14:51,152 --> 01:14:52,721 Ready to be a warrior, huh? 1335 01:14:52,754 --> 01:14:54,354 Hell, yeah! I learned from the best. 1336 01:15:00,428 --> 01:15:02,497 Oh, my golly, we're free! 1337 01:15:06,466 --> 01:15:09,371 Oh, my golly, I can use my smartphone! 1338 01:15:14,876 --> 01:15:16,178 Hey, hey, hey 1339 01:15:16,211 --> 01:15:18,780 No one else can have this story, this is Dick Weener's story. 1340 01:15:18,813 --> 01:15:20,348 No one else can have a smartphone! 1341 01:15:21,047 --> 01:15:23,017 Ow! 1342 01:15:23,050 --> 01:15:26,121 Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with! 1343 01:15:26,153 --> 01:15:28,790 You stupid old broad, you've ruined my career! 1344 01:15:28,822 --> 01:15:31,225 Amen to that, Dick! 1345 01:15:31,259 --> 01:15:33,461 Now, I'm gonna assume we haven't seen the Doc in a while 1346 01:15:33,493 --> 01:15:36,096 because he went for a brisk walk or something. 1347 01:15:36,130 --> 01:15:38,833 Are you sure you can handle Tom Small Dick? 1348 01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:39,734 Can I handle him? 1349 01:15:39,767 --> 01:15:43,037 Skippy? You're my number one... 1350 01:15:44,371 --> 01:15:46,073 raccoon! 1351 01:15:48,975 --> 01:15:50,746 Now you think I can handle him? 1352 01:15:51,312 --> 01:15:52,212 Go get 'em. 1353 01:15:52,246 --> 01:15:54,915 I'd take you boys over Charlie any day! 1354 01:15:54,948 --> 01:15:56,149 Who the hell is that? 1355 01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,521 It's Tuck! Get on there and help him jerk that thing off. 1356 01:15:59,554 --> 01:16:00,788 What? 1357 01:16:00,822 --> 01:16:02,323 I mean, you know, help him pump it! 1358 01:16:02,355 --> 01:16:03,424 What are you gonna do? 1359 01:16:03,456 --> 01:16:04,859 I'm gonna get Darlene. 1360 01:16:05,492 --> 01:16:07,828 Attention Ranger Rick Danger! 1361 01:16:07,862 --> 01:16:09,797 You've got yourself a warrior problem 1362 01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,300 and it ain't you and him. 1363 01:16:12,332 --> 01:16:15,002 Jeff Tuck? I thought you were dead for real, 1364 01:16:15,036 --> 01:16:16,270 you old crackhead! 1365 01:16:16,304 --> 01:16:18,973 Looks like two can play at that game, Danger. 1366 01:16:19,005 --> 01:16:21,843 Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos. 1367 01:16:21,876 --> 01:16:25,080 Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie! 1368 01:16:28,315 --> 01:16:30,085 Come on, man! Get that thing closer. 1369 01:16:35,989 --> 01:16:36,992 Huh? 1370 01:16:40,394 --> 01:16:41,429 Oh, boy! 1371 01:16:48,301 --> 01:16:49,804 Ha-ha! There ya go! 1372 01:16:53,907 --> 01:16:56,111 Whoo! That's it, baby! 1373 01:16:59,479 --> 01:17:02,517 All right, Ty. Best Christmas Eve ever. 1374 01:17:06,453 --> 01:17:08,956 I'll worry about Tyler little dick. 1375 01:17:08,989 --> 01:17:11,192 You worry about splitting this country in two. 1376 01:17:11,224 --> 01:17:12,259 Got it? 1377 01:17:14,629 --> 01:17:17,165 Not gonna lie, Jones. You're going a little crazy. 1378 01:17:17,197 --> 01:17:19,299 You, you want a tranquilizer or something? 1379 01:17:19,332 --> 01:17:20,468 No. 1380 01:17:20,501 --> 01:17:25,540 Bullets. I need bullets. 1381 01:17:25,572 --> 01:17:29,009 Okay. As long as my Santa satellites keep the U.S. military 1382 01:17:29,042 --> 01:17:31,846 busy long enough, I'll blow up Denver without you. 1383 01:17:37,684 --> 01:17:39,920 Have fun killing drunk college kids. 1384 01:17:39,953 --> 01:17:41,255 I've got a country to split in two 1385 01:17:41,288 --> 01:17:44,059 and a gazillion dollars to pick up in the Bahamas. 1386 01:17:46,626 --> 01:17:48,863 Looks like this is gonna take some super strength. 1387 01:17:54,969 --> 01:17:57,337 Howdy, warrior! You know how to pump it? 1388 01:17:57,371 --> 01:17:58,940 Oh, yeah. I've been to prison. 1389 01:18:00,073 --> 01:18:02,542 Great, the President is pissed! 1390 01:18:02,576 --> 01:18:03,611 Which means we 1391 01:18:03,644 --> 01:18:05,347 and the American public are fucked! 1392 01:18:08,381 --> 01:18:09,917 Can't let you go anywhere. 1393 01:18:10,484 --> 01:18:12,621 You're my little hostage. 1394 01:18:15,523 --> 01:18:18,359 You know, a lot of dumb college kids 1395 01:18:18,392 --> 01:18:21,261 died on that campground ten years ago. 1396 01:18:21,295 --> 01:18:23,331 The fact this Smallwood kid didn't 1397 01:18:23,363 --> 01:18:25,200 kinda makes me respect him. 1398 01:18:26,500 --> 01:18:29,404 He really is a brave motherfucker. 1399 01:18:35,408 --> 01:18:37,178 You know, I do remember you. 1400 01:18:37,211 --> 01:18:40,014 And I sure hope you know what you're doing, small dick. 1401 01:18:40,046 --> 01:18:43,017 Or else your little girlfriend here is gonna die, 1402 01:18:43,050 --> 01:18:45,420 just like her sister. 1403 01:18:45,452 --> 01:18:47,120 I'm not his girlfriend. 1404 01:18:47,153 --> 01:18:49,022 Yeah, she's not my girlfriend. 1405 01:18:49,055 --> 01:18:51,625 I lost my virginity to her sister ten years ago, 1406 01:18:51,658 --> 01:18:53,694 while she was being killed by a raccoon. 1407 01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:55,229 Holy shit! 1408 01:18:55,261 --> 01:18:57,465 That's how my sister died? 1409 01:18:57,497 --> 01:19:00,134 Uh, yeah, I was gonna, I was gonna... 1410 01:19:00,166 --> 01:19:02,502 Ye... I was gonna tell you, but some things came up. 1411 01:19:02,536 --> 01:19:04,038 And I'm-I'm sorry. 1412 01:19:04,071 --> 01:19:06,975 You might be able to take out a bunch of raccoons, 1413 01:19:07,007 --> 01:19:09,109 but can you fight a real man? 1414 01:19:14,047 --> 01:19:16,684 Hang on to that grenade, sugar tits. 1415 01:19:16,716 --> 01:19:18,987 You might need it later. 1416 01:19:21,522 --> 01:19:25,225 Ugh! You are so the patriarchy. 1417 01:19:30,063 --> 01:19:34,401 Not bad, small dick. But you know what they say. 1418 01:19:34,434 --> 01:19:38,172 It's not the size, it's how you use it. 1419 01:19:49,382 --> 01:19:51,086 Goddamn! 1420 01:19:52,053 --> 01:19:54,122 Bring it on, you furry fuck! 1421 01:20:20,346 --> 01:20:21,448 Harder! 1422 01:20:22,483 --> 01:20:25,153 Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder! 1423 01:20:31,492 --> 01:20:33,561 Goddamn! 1424 01:21:14,602 --> 01:21:16,104 I actually don't have balls. 1425 01:21:16,136 --> 01:21:18,072 Uh, the raccoons gnawed 'em off. 1426 01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:48,335 Where'd you learn this, the NYPD? 1427 01:21:48,368 --> 01:21:52,473 No. Raccoon Creek Campground, motherfucker! 1428 01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,379 I'm dead, for real. 1429 01:22:02,215 --> 01:22:03,484 Later on. 1430 01:22:20,434 --> 01:22:21,469 Don't drop that. 1431 01:22:21,868 --> 01:22:23,138 Come on. 1432 01:22:28,943 --> 01:22:32,647 Well, I'm going to presume everything is just fine back there. 1433 01:22:36,783 --> 01:22:39,920 I hope you're all having a happy Christmas Eve! 1434 01:22:39,953 --> 01:22:43,323 Independence isn't what it used to be, but then again, 1435 01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,528 this whole country isn't about to be what it used to be. 1436 01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,230 As long as I've got my golden VHS tape, 1437 01:22:50,264 --> 01:22:53,367 inside this here VCR, that's all I need. 1438 01:22:53,399 --> 01:22:54,902 Now if you excuse me, 1439 01:22:54,934 --> 01:22:57,537 I must dis-board this train 1440 01:22:57,571 --> 01:23:00,373 before it makes a stop inside of Washington Canyon. 1441 01:23:00,407 --> 01:23:04,845 Wait, if you keep moving, I'll just drop this grenade. 1442 01:23:04,877 --> 01:23:06,214 Kill us all. 1443 01:23:06,246 --> 01:23:07,514 Well, shitsnakes. 1444 01:23:08,248 --> 01:23:09,384 Go ahead! 1445 01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,598 Still no response to our abort shriek command codes, sir! 1446 01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,199 What the hell are shriek command codes? 1447 01:23:30,403 --> 01:23:32,505 Oh, Tom Smallwood. 1448 01:23:32,538 --> 01:23:34,341 Shooting me won't do anything. 1449 01:23:34,375 --> 01:23:37,778 The U.S. military can't get past my Santa satellites 1450 01:23:37,810 --> 01:23:41,715 and you can't stop my high tech VHS programming. 1451 01:23:41,748 --> 01:23:44,684 Seriously? There's nothing I can do to shut that thing down? 1452 01:23:44,718 --> 01:23:47,654 Nope! You might as well just drop that gun right now. 1453 01:23:54,761 --> 01:23:57,998 Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene. 1454 01:23:58,032 --> 01:24:00,334 Looks like I failed again. 1455 01:24:00,367 --> 01:24:01,903 Just like I failed your sister. 1456 01:24:08,341 --> 01:24:10,777 Access to PEN15 restored! 1457 01:24:10,810 --> 01:24:13,447 We have regained control of PEN15, sir! 1458 01:24:13,479 --> 01:24:16,350 Shitsnakes! Didn't think of that one. 1459 01:24:16,849 --> 01:24:18,252 Sorry, daddy. 1460 01:24:26,393 --> 01:24:27,395 Kill it! 1461 01:24:54,487 --> 01:24:56,890 What's this? An end that's dead for real? 1462 01:24:59,093 --> 01:25:01,662 Good God! Now I'm dead for real! 1463 01:25:05,866 --> 01:25:07,702 Okay, stop pumping. 1464 01:25:07,734 --> 01:25:08,768 It won't stop! 1465 01:25:08,801 --> 01:25:09,836 Oh, boy. 1466 01:25:09,870 --> 01:25:11,639 Uh, everybody jump! 1467 01:25:25,786 --> 01:25:26,788 Woah! 1468 01:25:29,656 --> 01:25:31,024 Tom teeny peeny! 1469 01:25:31,825 --> 01:25:33,027 Ranger Danger? 1470 01:25:33,059 --> 01:25:34,928 You haven't won yet, small dick. 1471 01:25:34,961 --> 01:25:36,964 You dumb college kids will never again 1472 01:25:36,996 --> 01:25:38,932 laugh at the name of Ranger Rick Danger. 1473 01:25:42,803 --> 01:25:45,973 Shitsnakes! I'm dead for real now, daddy! 1474 01:25:46,005 --> 01:25:48,508 Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker! 1475 01:25:56,849 --> 01:25:59,853 Looks like you bit off exactly what you could choo-choo. 1476 01:25:59,886 --> 01:26:01,121 Nice going, warrior. 1477 01:26:01,154 --> 01:26:04,023 I knew you could do it. You're not a winner. 1478 01:26:04,056 --> 01:26:07,461 You're not a loser. And you're not a Casey. 1479 01:26:07,928 --> 01:26:09,063 You're a Ty. 1480 01:26:09,095 --> 01:26:10,630 Thanks, kid. 1481 01:26:10,663 --> 01:26:13,468 Hey, guys, look this is really all heartwarming, but what the fuck is that? 1482 01:26:24,577 --> 01:26:26,714 Ring-tailed rodent piece of shit! 1483 01:26:34,654 --> 01:26:36,991 Your dead sister would be proud. 1484 01:26:37,023 --> 01:26:39,058 Whoa, whoa. You sure you know how to use that thing? 1485 01:26:39,091 --> 01:26:40,661 I think I got the hang of it. 1486 01:26:42,162 --> 01:26:44,065 Hey, you boys gonna eat this? 1487 01:26:45,165 --> 01:26:46,533 It's all yours! 1488 01:26:46,567 --> 01:26:50,805 Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas dinner this year! 1489 01:26:55,709 --> 01:26:56,743 Smartphone! 1490 01:26:56,777 --> 01:26:59,747 Get me the secret military base in Independence. 1491 01:26:59,779 --> 01:27:01,715 Generals, there's a message coming in 1492 01:27:01,747 --> 01:27:03,017 I'll patch it through. 1493 01:27:03,050 --> 01:27:04,485 Hello, Independence? 1494 01:27:04,518 --> 01:27:07,955 This is Casey Sm... This is Ty. 1495 01:27:08,855 --> 01:27:10,190 Ty Smallwood. 1496 01:27:10,224 --> 01:27:13,160 His last name means small penis either way. 1497 01:27:13,193 --> 01:27:15,896 Ranger Danger and his cronies are dead for real now. 1498 01:27:15,929 --> 01:27:19,667 The raccoons have been destroyed and the hostages are safe. 1499 01:27:23,069 --> 01:27:26,806 Come on, open! Open up, you son of a bitch, open! 1500 01:27:26,840 --> 01:27:29,643 All right, what the hell is going on? You woke me up! 1501 01:27:29,675 --> 01:27:32,111 Mr. President, it all worked out. 1502 01:27:32,144 --> 01:27:35,248 Well, that's good, because it's Christmas. 1503 01:27:37,984 --> 01:27:39,219 Yeah! Yeah! 1504 01:27:39,252 --> 01:27:43,523 ♪ Hark the herald angels sing 1505 01:27:43,556 --> 01:27:47,760 ♪ Glory to the newborn king 1506 01:27:47,794 --> 01:27:50,031 ♪ Peace on Earth... 1507 01:27:50,997 --> 01:27:52,666 It's good to have you back, Ty. 1508 01:27:53,834 --> 01:27:55,736 It's good to be back. 1509 01:27:55,769 --> 01:27:58,772 Hey, I really enjoyed fighting raccoons with you 1510 01:27:58,804 --> 01:28:00,673 and I know that I lost my virginity 1511 01:28:00,706 --> 01:28:02,142 to your dead sister ten years ago, 1512 01:28:02,175 --> 01:28:05,980 but I was wondering if you'd wanna hang out sometime? 1513 01:28:06,013 --> 01:28:08,549 I mean, I don't know if you're into older guys. 1514 01:28:08,581 --> 01:28:11,285 Uh, I actually am into older guys. 1515 01:28:11,318 --> 01:28:12,786 Oh, cool, really? 1516 01:28:12,818 --> 01:28:15,054 Yeah, but like, much older. 1517 01:28:15,087 --> 01:28:17,692 In fact, I kinda met someone. 1518 01:28:19,760 --> 01:28:21,662 - What's up, bro? - Tuck? 1519 01:28:21,694 --> 01:28:24,965 It's always an honor to fight raccoons alongside a warrior like you. 1520 01:28:24,997 --> 01:28:27,968 Next time you need me, I'll always pop up. 1521 01:28:28,001 --> 01:28:29,737 Uh, sure, yeah. 1522 01:28:29,769 --> 01:28:32,171 So, uh, you ever get high in a tree before? 1523 01:28:32,205 --> 01:28:35,075 Uh, no. But that sounds pretty awesome. 1524 01:28:35,108 --> 01:28:37,811 Far out! Merry Christmas, brother. 1525 01:28:37,844 --> 01:28:39,580 Merry Christmas, you guys. 1526 01:28:40,112 --> 01:28:41,214 What about you, Shelley? 1527 01:28:41,247 --> 01:28:42,582 Do you have plans tonight? 1528 01:28:42,616 --> 01:28:43,817 Oh, yeah. 1529 01:28:43,849 --> 01:28:45,118 With everything that's happened, 1530 01:28:45,152 --> 01:28:47,654 Double A and I have gotten a lot closer, 1531 01:28:47,688 --> 01:28:51,257 and we've decided to take our professional relationship 1532 01:28:51,291 --> 01:28:54,628 to a more personal level. 1533 01:28:54,661 --> 01:28:56,630 Thanks for everything, warrior. 1534 01:28:56,662 --> 01:29:00,000 Yes, God bless us, everyone. 1535 01:29:01,134 --> 01:29:02,870 .Merry Christmas, you guys! 1536 01:29:03,870 --> 01:29:05,305 Well, Janine, 1537 01:29:05,339 --> 01:29:09,009 turns out you were always the only girl for me. 1538 01:29:09,041 --> 01:29:10,710 Looks like it's just us again. 1539 01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,215 Yep, just us. 1540 01:34:31,596 --> 01:34:36,596 Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info 117960