All language subtitles for S01E07 EDISON JAYMES-eng

POTUS is still mad
about the whole India thing.

So, as punishment, he wants us
to partner with private industry.

Specifically, he wants us
to use this tech guru's new fuel

in the lunar satellite launch.

Not her.

Ed... Edison Jaymes?
Are you kidding me?

No. She's gonna be here in a few minutes
to inspect the base

and make sure
that we are worthy of her product.

I read about that.

It's supposedly half as heavy
as normal fuel, and no pollutants.

I mean, that would be a game changer.

God, I am so sick of people
fawning over these young tech moguls.

The government is plenty innovative.

Did you know that the US Postal Service

issues a new Christmas stamp
every Christmas

and has done so for the past 200 years?

Mark, I don't think the Postal Service
still exists.

- Well, I think they do.
- No.

Where do you think our funding came from?

Hmm.

She's late.

She's too rich to be late.

Rich people are such babies.

There she is.

Well, jeans
and $100,000 worth of diamonds.

That's a good look.

It's a confusing look.

I don't know whether she's going
to Cinderella's ball or a pig roast.

Fuck. Fuck me.

You bite the inside of your mouth?
I've done that.

No. That's Hannah Howard.

We came up in the PR world together.

She single-handedly orchestrated
my dismissal from American Apparel

by leaking my text messages.

She is by far the worst person
I have ever met in my entire life.

Hannah!

Oh, my God, I'm coming down.

You look amazing!

Ms. Jaymes?

Here he is.

Nice to meet you.

- General Naird.
- Welcome to Space...

Ah-ah.

Good to tweet?

- Yes, with the usual adjustments.
- Of course.

When POTUS called me
and asked me to help you guys out,

I was stoked.

I was stoked as well. And... amped.

Yeah. Not just for our country,
but my rocket fuel needs customers.

And you'll have to forgive me
if I sound like a woman on a mission,

but I am one.

You see, my fuel
makes your rocket burn more cleanly.

Well done.

Oh, please.

Have you made any new friends yet?

No, Grandpa.

I still have my old friends in DC.

No, you don't.

People move on fast at your age.

I can't name one friend
I had in high school.

Oh, I'm guessing there was an Al.

There were a lot of Als back then.

Most of them died during the war, though.

That's why there's no more Als.

Cool.

Hey, put your mom on.

My phone's at one percent,
and Mom's in prison.

Oh, my gosh.

Darling,
you've got to keep your phone char...

Great.

Nice.

Very...

very...

nice.

Ooh. Fancy.

Ah!

License and registration, miss!

Jesus Christ!

Duncan, you scared the shit out of me!

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Should I get rags or paper towels?
- Oh, no.

- My mom hates wasting paper towels...
- Oh, no, no.

But folks don't sell rags in Colorado...

Oh, just move. Move, move, move!

Just go. Go, go, go!

This is a sample
of the treatment I recently developed

for methicillin-resistant pathogens
in space.

Bleh. God, that thing. Six months
and a bunch of rats over budget.

At the biotech arm of Edison Jaymes,

it would have taken us half the time
and a quarter of the rats.

Well, always said
we spend way too much money on the rats.

Well, it didn't take that long.

I did invent a medicine, after all.

Thank you for signing these NDAs.
Standard procedure.

Thank you for signing these NDAs.
You get it.

You know what an NDA is,
don't you, Scarapiducci?

So cute. You know what?
Ours don't even need to be signed.

- You sign them just by being here.
- Hmm. Never heard of that.

What you don't know about this place
could fill a giant underground silo

that you don't even know exists.

Mm. Is that where they keep your office?

No.

Hey!
I heard you know some shit about plants.

Hmm. Let's see.

I'm an astrobotanist
with an advanced degree

in cross-pollination
and dry terrain root systems.

What does that mean?

I know some shit about plants.

Sorry. Who are you?

I'm Captain Angela Ali.

I wanna learn astrobotany.

For fun.

Well, I'm not a science tutor.

Well, I'll pay you 50 bucks an hour.

I could do every day from noon to one.

Great. Meet me here. Please be organized,
be prepped, and be early.

I really don't wanna pay for, like,
"Hi, how are you, weather" bullshit.

Cool! I haven't started,
and I already wanna quit.

So glad I made this choice.

Yeah.

Me too.

Wow.

Which one of these awards
means the most to you?

Bronze Star.

I was shot down over Bosnia,
survived on worms for six days.

Oh, I did that.

- On an episode of Bear Grylls.
- Oh.

Yeah. Very keto.

Okay.

I used a sponge to collect rainwater
and store it in plastic bags.

Where did you get a sponge
and plastic bags?

Piddle pack.

Pilots use them to relieve themselves.

Sexually.

Mmm, no, no. Like going to the bathroom.

Oh, my God.

General Mark Naird,
do you know what you are?

No, no, no, no.

I am not a deviant.

I didn't pee on the sponge and then use
that same sponge to collect rainwater.

- That's not my thing.
- Right.No. No.

You are an innovator!

Oh, okay.

- You are.
- Yeah.

- Well...
- Think about it.

That was very MacGyver.

If that's not innovation,
then I don't even know what is.

I wouldn't really call it innovation.
It was just something that I did.

It was just using the tools

- that I had at my disposal.
- Come on.

I have an idea, from time to time.

- I had a feeling.
- I am not a tech whiz like you,

but I think of some things.

- Tell me. Tell me!
- No. No, they're silly.

I wanna hear.

Okay.

So you know how people shake hands
all over the world?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's a universal thing.

It is a sign of respect, decency.

Yeah. It's a normal human handshake.

Exactly. So imagine a device,

like a mannequin, with a shakable arm.

And you put one in Times Square.
You put on in Tiananmen Square.

It's all linked up technologically.

You've got video screens.

You can shake the hand
of someone in China.

It's brilliant.

- Bringing strangers together.
- That's exactly right!

- Mm-hmm.
- That's what I've been saying!

- I love it.
- Shaking hands across the world.

Will that be its name?

Yes.

It's good.

So... And inside the booth,
there's an attendant.

That precludes
any sort of sexual shenanigans going on.

Mmm.

And you don't have to tip the attendant

because it's part
of the cost of admission.

It's all covered.

Okay.

It sounds silly when you just say it
to people, but it's...

No! No, it does not.

Mark, this is your vision.

I don't want you to shame it.

You believe in it,

and you will change the world.

Well...

Oh.

Wow.

Okay. We need to get our stories straight.

The guy who spilled the soft serve

was a rich white guy
in a "Where's Waldo" T-shirt.

See?
That's so specific, people will buy it.

I don't know. I can't picture it.

You can't picture people believing it?

No, I can't picture
what you're describing.

I don't have that ability.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Ronald McDonald on a surfboard.

What do you see?

Nothing.
It's just like staring at a blank page.

Oh, my God.

You have no imagination. That's...

That's adorable.

Hey, it's a real condition.

- Aphantasia.
- Oh.

Yes. Well, way to sell yourself.

So, what are your strengths?

Oh, that is one of my strengths.

I can stare at a cereal box.

That's like watching HBO to me.

I can't wait to talk to you
about the nuts and bolts of your fuel,

the actual chemistry.

Patience, Dr. Mallory.

I'm about to answer all of your questions.

In fact,
may I invite you to a little barbecue?

- Your phone.
- No, thank you.

You have to put it in the secure case,

which will open again
after the demo is over.

No phones is part of the NDA you signed.

Yeah, no,
I don't think I'll be doing that,

because the last time
I handed you my phone,

I wasn't allowed within 300 feet
of my own fucking office.

Are you still holding a grudge?
Don't be petulant, Anthony.

"Don't be petulant, Anthony."
You're a goblin.

- What? What are you doing?
- The ankle.

- The holster on your ankle...
- This is so...

- that you hand-stitched yourself.
- This is stupid.

You are pathetic. Jesus Christ.

For generations,

chemists have looked to the stars
and asked a question:

Can a fuel be created
that consumes its own exhaust?

Those chemists were men,

and the answer was no.

And then I came along.

Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting Skinny Fuel...

a rosé colored rocket fuel

cheaper, lighter, and cleaner
than any fuel ever created.

I can't help but be impressed.

- Thank you.
- But it's just that NASA astrochemists

have been trying to concoct a solution

with the same end result for years,

so, what is the molecular structure,

and how did you arrive at it?

Excellent. Thank you.

Edison Jaymes
is a publicly traded company,

and it would be unfair to our stockholders
to share proprietary information.

However...

I can demonstrate for you.

This...

regular Kingsford lighter fuel.

And this...

is Skinny Fuel.

Thank you.

So, why won't she be open
about the chemistry?

That seems really sketchy.

You're not jealous, are you?

Just because she answered the question
no male scientist could?

Excuse me, Mark,

I'm on the board
of Cincinnati Women in STEM.

This is about the science.

I think she covered it
with her presentation.

No, she told us nothing.

She doesn't even need the fuel to work.

She can fundraise off the mere fact
of having gotten her fuel into a rocket,

and then she can always blame us
if it all goes sideways.

This is classic.

As soon as somebody thinks
that I am smart,

you decide that they are dumb.

What did you discuss in here, exactly?

Noth... We just exchanged some ideas,
I offered some of mine.

Such as... what? The six-day workweek?

The pear-grape hybrid?

Did you discuss with her
your idea for a handshaking machine,

which I swear to you,
people will only use to jerk off into?

I added an attendant
after your feedback, Adrian.

Look, I am the one who is in charge here.

We're going with the Skinny Fuel.
That's final.

Damn it.

- Adrian. Adrian! Wait.
- What?

Are we still going tie shopping later
at Walmart?

My conjugal visit is next week.

No. You have great ideas. You go.

And anyway,
they have fantastic fashion consultants.

They're the ones wearing the red vests.

You dick.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, no, no. just a heated discussion
with a colleague.

Well, I do know a little bit
about fashion,

if you'd like another opinion.

Hmm.

Dude, you're late.

I texted you.

Okay, I want a discount on my hour.

Jesus, for someone
who's trying to study botany for fun,

you're taking your shit really seriously.

Okay, fine. It's for the AAT.
I wanna be an astronaut.

You wanna be an astronaut?

Yeah, what?
You think I can't fly a spaceship?

No, I didn't say that. Go fly a spaceship.

I'm sure you'd be
a real calming presence up there.

The others will love being trapped
in a tiny capsule with you

in the vacuum of space.

Just... Could we study plants, please?

This is my new fashion website. "Shrt."

Mmm.

You got a little typo.

Might wanna fix that
before you roll this thing out.

This was a team effort.

And there is no "I" in "shirt."

Ah. Okay.

So you answered your survey,
the six questions?

- Uh, yeah.
- Okay.

Let's see what the algorithm says
you should wear.

Algorithm. That's crazy.

Okay, well...

Huh. Ah... Huh.

I've never... worn anything that purposely
showed off my ankles before.

Don't you love it, though?

Nah... no, I don't, actually.

- It looks kind of goofy.
- Goofy?

Not me. It's just not me.

Mark, you need to believe in yourself.

Your ankles look beautiful.

You look amazing.

Your wife is going to love this.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm.

Okay.

Okay. You know what?

You may be the publicist
to a major celebrity,

but I am the publicist
to man's search for something grander,

something that transcends this world.

Fuck you. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous.

What are they even doing in there?

It's a new venture.

Blue Apron meets Bonobos.

The algorithm tells you
it loves your pants

regardless of how fat your ass looks.

She's doing that,
and she has a rocket fuel?

Uh, yeah. Skinny Fuel is like
one of 100 projects she's developing.

'Cause if one thing works,
nobody remembers the failures.

What do you mean, "if" one thing works?

I mean, "when."

Hannah, does the rocket fuel work?

Yeah.

Hannah.

Botany's actually, like,
pretty self-explanatory.

"Chloroplast and Epidural Stomata."

Yeah, these words just define themselves.

Right?

Do you not know Latin?

Okay, just teach me
like I'm a child who knows nothing,

but also,
don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

Okay, that's gonna be
a little bit of a high-wire act.

And can we pick up the pace, please?
It's been 20 minutes,

and I have learned,
like, literally nothing.

Okay, you gotta calm down.

If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do it my way. Okay?

I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.

Oh, cool! Yeah, yeah, let's all kick back.
Just get a bite to eat.

Why don't we just order in
and watch Frasier?

I have shit to do, bro. Do you see this?

Okay, "bro."

Nice talking to you
for the second time in my life.

Okay, hey.

Wait. I'm sorry.

I'm just...

God, saying you want to be an astronaut
after age, like, eight, feels very silly.

I just really need you
to take me seriously.

I do take you seriously.

I mean, maybe not as serious as you
take yourself, but that's off the charts.

Yeah.

If you're gonna get a snack,
I will take a Rocket Pie.

Peanut butter or banana, please.

- What if they have both?
- Ooh.

Good question.

Peanu...

nana...

butter-peanut-nana-banana.

No, coconut or lime.

Well, if you die in space,
it'll be from murder.

Mmm. You excited?

Sure am.

But how are you feeling, Mark?
Are you excited?

About the launch?

You are going to love it.

Am I?

- Oh, my God. What is he doing?
- It's me! Can I talk to you?

Let's not incinerate my media manager.
I'll be right back.

Okay, General, I never get involved

in whether people
are telling the truth or lying.

I mean, those words carry
very little meaning to me,

but something one of Edison's people said,
it's got me worried.

What was that?

"Yeah."

Sorry, guess it was more how she said it.
I asked, "Does the rocket fuel work?"

Then she said, "Yeah."

I'm butchering it. She said it like this.
She said it like this.

"Yeah."

Fuck. She said, "Yeah."

It doesn't matter.

As a publicist, I never reveal my sources,
but it was Hannah.

Hmm. Dr. Mallory, come with me.

And, Tony, nicely done.

Fuck you, American Apparel.

What's going on?

It's a simple scientific formula.

When a guy as full of BS as Tony
calls BS on someone else,

that is BS squared.

I wouldn't call it a scientific formula,
but, okay.

Our first crime together.

May there be many more.

So, uh...

What...

what have you been reading lately?

Excuse me?

Nothing. Nothing.

Just that, uh, that Denver airport
sure is crazy, huh?

Duncan, have you been reading
to impress me?

No. No.

But if I had, would you be impressed?

I very much...

might.

So...

that, uh... Denver airport.

Well, I read it was two billion dollars
over budget.

Ooh, I was not aware.

Yeah.
And many believe that the money was used

to build underground meeting rooms

for those who control the world economy.

The Illuminati.

Wait.

What are you reading?

Websites.

Oh.

Uh...

Uh, did you know that
the queen of England...

The queen of England
is the largest drug pusher in the world?

No, seriously.

And she killed Jeffrey Epstein
with her bare hands.

And she leaves one of her fingernails
real long

and has poison on the tip.

Wow.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Okay, so far, so good.

Fingers crossed.

Don't worry. I adjusted the fuel ratios.

Off the books.

I hope that's all right.

Well, how much Skinny Fuel
did you end up using?

Uh...

Zero.

Oh, thank you.

It's... completely off the books?

One hundred percent.

Booster separation complete.

If there's ever anything
I can do for you...

Actually, you can call POTUS.

And you can tell him
that we're doing just fine.

We don't need any outside help
from the private sector.

- Something like that.
- You got it.

Okay.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?
- Mm.

It's not running on Kingsford.

Okay.

Cute.

Congratulations, Ms. Jaymes.

Today you appeared to have
a very successful launch with your fuel.

Thank you.

Um, don't take this the wrong way,
but you could use some mouthwash.

Ah, well,
perhaps the breath refreshment sector

is where you should redirect your efforts.

That feels a bit more feasible for you.

Hmm.

If you ever get big and powerful one day,
come see me.

I might have
an extremely low-level position for you.

Or maybe one day
you'll be big and powerful enough

- for me to take you seriously.
- Maybe we'll both be big and powerful.

Maybe we will.

Fuck!

All right, so take...

Why does my car
smell like baby vomit?

So...

what do you make...

of this one?

Oh. It's brown.

Brown doesn't go with anything.

Oh, there are things
that go with brown, I'm sure.

Oh.

Thank God I have you.

That's a very nice thing to say.

- Oh, I like that.
- That one? Pretty.

Yeah?

The Prospector Satellite
is now in orbit around the moon.

Good! Is the camera transmitting yet?

Yes, sir. Uh, we have our first images.

Very good.

Oh, excellent.

Oh, that's a beautiful shot.

You might enjoy
scrolling through these quickly.

What is that?

Oh... We're not 100 percent sure
what that is yet.

The Chinese flag.

What?

- Oh.
- What?

- Did... Did you...
- Oh!

Wow! Look at that!

I had no idea they were that far along.

- That's something.
- Huh.

Oh, good for them!

That's great.

Got a...

Oh, I am happy for them.

They really are there.

Look at that.

Oh, shit!

Those Chinese bastards did it.

They did it!

Ha! That is rich.