Original subtitles

(electronic music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(blips)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(electronic music)

(drumming music)

(funky digital music)

- [Newsman] Sparks were flying in Congress today

over the President Wolfman issue.

(gavel bangs) (people chatter)

- [Chairman] Come to order, please remain calm everybody.

- [Congressman] The Senate floor is drenched in blood.

I call for immediate impeachment.

- [Chairman] This is what the government needed.

We've passed more legislation this week

than in the past three years.

- [Chairman] Our commander in chief is terrorizing

Washington on a killing spree.

- [Chairman] Are you calling the president

of the United States a murderer?

- [Congressman] I'm calling him a monster!

(person screams)

(animal howls)

(upbeat music)

♪ President Wolfman ♪

♪ Y'all dig my politician ♪

♪ Of Washington ♪

♪ Commander in chief is on the street ♪

♪ Gonna put him in Arlington ♪

♪ Deadlock in the Senate ♪

♪ Confusion in the House ♪

♪ Ain't no time to compromise ♪

♪ Gonna take these mothers out ♪

♪ President Wolfman, President Wolfman ♪

♪ Constitution and the Bill of Rights ♪

♪ Don't tell us what to do ♪

♪ There's a werewolf in the White House ♪

♪ Coming after you ♪

♪ Watch out ♪

♪ The streets of D.C. makes (mumble) let it fly ♪

♪ Even the Air Force One won't come ♪

♪ And the man wants to take up flying ♪

♪ President Wolfman, President Wolfman ♪

♪ The FBI and the CIA can't stop this mother ♪

♪ From fucking up a brother ♪

♪ On K Street ♪

♪ Down U Street too ♪

♪ Round Pennsylvania ♪

♪ Avenue ♪ - He's gonna try to kill you.

♪ He just don't need the love of a woman ♪

♪ Gotta get love from the American people ♪

♪ Keep on fighting for the people now ♪

(funky, upbeat music)

♪ Up for election ♪

♪ Up for election ♪

♪ Too much election ♪

♪ Natural selection ♪

♪ Got no protection ♪

♪ Got no protection ♪

♪ Only affection ♪

♪ President Wolfman, President Wolfman ♪

♪ President Wolfman ♪

♪ President Wolfman ♪

♪ And left to a state of emergency ♪

♪ Ain't gonna stop yours ♪

♪ World war three ♪

♪ Do the funky president ♪

♪ Huf ♪

(howls)

(people chatter)

(dance music)

- [Madame Speaker] These White House parties

are really going downhill.

I remember when president

hosted foreign dignitaries, poets, royalty.

This crowd looks like the cast

of National Lampoon's "Crackhouse."

- [Attorney General] Heads of state, crack heads,

who can tell the difference nowadays?

- [Agent Tackler] Now please, Madame Speaker,

you're bad mouthing the president's key supporters.

- [Madame Speaker] These losers couldn't support

a jockstrap, nevermind reelect John Wolfman.

He hasn't a chance in hell.

- [President Wolfman] Just another day at the office.

Be charming, be strong, be diplomatic.

Be President, Wolfman.

- [Agent Tackler] The country's in the crapper, sure.

But if anyone's gonna turn this ship around, it's Wolfman.

And my job's to protect him.

- [Madame Speaker] And mine's to block him in Congress.

That's precisely what I intend to do

if he won't support the Chinese buyout package.

- [Agent Tackler] The man's been under

a great deal of stress.

- [Attorney General] I heard he hasn't had sex

since his wife passed away.

- [Madame Speaker] I heard he hasn't had sex

since his Bar Mitzvah.

- [Attorney General] I didn't know he was Jewish.

- [Madame Speaker] Yes, short for

Wolfmanowiczsteinoscheinberg-Cohen.

- [Female Guest] Here comes the President.

All rise! (laughs)

- [Male Guest] I would, but I'm already erect! (laughs)

- [President Wolfman] Who the hell are these people?

Except you.

- [Female Guest] Hello, pimp.

- [Madame Speaker] President Wolfman, you're not

still upset about that little filibuster today, huh?

- [President Wolfman] No, Dorothy, I've committed

to working with Congress this year.

- [Madame Speaker] You know I'm only busting your balls.

- [President Wolfman] Sure.

- [VP Mangle] Madame Speaker, gentlemen.

You won't mind if I borrow the boss here for a moment?

- [Madame Speaker] Ooh, a meeting with the Vice President.

Must be a real matter of national security.

- [VP Mangle] Now I know why they call you Madame Speaker.

You never shut the fuck up. (Madame Speaker gasps)

May I see you in the other room?

- [President Wolfman] Of course.

- [VP Mangle] We actually have

something important to discuss.

- [Attorney General] Don't let him sell you

any Boy Scout cookies, he's a pervert!

- [VP Mangle] I know you're tired, John,

and I know the political deadlock is wearing you down.

Here's what else I know: the economy's in trouble,

and I know people are starving in the streets,

eating garbage, and stray animals and each other.

I know the death of your wife,

whether called a suicide or not actually was suicide

because she was inconsolably depressed.

I know she wanted to have a second child

and couldn't because you were deemed infertile,

which doesn't go very far in explaining your son, Bobby.

I know your mother tormented you sexually.

And one more thing I know you left a men's lavatory

after urinating without washing your hands,

then proceeded to serve lunch at a homeless shelter

for gay and lesbian republican children with Down syndrome.

- [President Wolfman] That's enough, Ed.

- [Bobby] Has anyone seen my father?

- [Male Guest] Come on in, Bobby, join the party, kid.

- [Male Guest In Glasses] Shouldn't he be with his Mom?

- [Male Guest] He should, but she's dead!

- [Blond Female Guest] Wasn't it a car crash?

- [Female Guest] Yeah, she was shit faced drunk.

- [Madame Speaker] And tripping on mushrooms.

That's what I heard.

- [VP Mangle] This trade agreement with China,

well, it's not so much an agreement.

It's more like they're buying us outright

and turning our citizens into white slaves.

Anyway, it comes before Congress this week

and a lot of people think it can pass.

If it makes it through the Senate,

the only thing to stop it would be your power of veto.

- [President Wolfman] It won't come to that.

The people won't stand for it.

- [VP Mangle] They're in favor, 67%.

That's what the polls say.

- [President Wolfman] I don't listen to polls, Ed,

because polls can't talk.

They're tall pieces of wood used for hanging telephone wires

and escaped bears.

- [VP Mangle] You should, John.

We've got a tough re-election bid this year

and you need all the votes you can get.

Here's what we're up against.

OK, Bill, roll the film!

- [Spokesperson] I'm so excited

about a new business opportunity for our nation.

It's called Chimerica.

By merging with China, we will fix our economy

and be permanently free of debt, in the black.

Tell Congress to vote yes on the Chinese buyout.

Then we can all cheer for the red,

white and red and blue and red.

Chimerica, it just makes sense.

It's good for America.

It's good business for America.

- [Announcer] Paid for by Americans

for a Better Future After America.

- [President Wolfman] Who the hell are they?

- [VP Mangle] A group of super lobbyists

led by Maude Atkins.

The Chinese government's paid them millions

to sugar coat this thing for the public

and make it look like a great deal!

Bullshit!

- [President Wolfman] I swear on a stack of my life

I won't let that Bill to pass.

- [VP Mangle] He wasn't talking to you, Bill.

Go ahead, you can pass.

(gong rings)

- [Xiao Peng] One for you, one for you, one for you.

Drink up, everybody.

Quench yourselves on the blood of America.

Soon we will be drinking gold in their streets.

You like that, huh?

- [Chinese Females] Yes, President Xiao Peng.

- [Xiao Peng] I'll tell ya, this USA deal

is so close I can hear the hormones dripping

from their plastic processed cheeseburgers.

America under Chinese rule?

I'll christen it The Xiao Peng Death Dynasty of Death!

- [Teen Female Guest] I know, dude,

ever since they legalized drugs,

it's impossible to find work as a dealer.

- [Teen Male Guest] Unless you know somebody.

- [Teen Female Guest] Tell me about it.

Nepotism is alive and well and living in DC.

(door knocks)

- [Agent Tackler] Bobby, your father says

it's time to hit the sack.

Lights out, now.

- [Bobby] Okay, sir.

I wish Dad and me could be together more.

He's always busy and gets angry sometimes,

but I think it's because he's the President.

One day we'll go on that camping trip.

The one we were supposed to take the day Mommy died.

It was summer break and we were at Camp David.

- [President Wolfman] The tents are all ready.

This is gonna be some trip, son.

Here's your bone.

- [Missis Wolfman] I'm going out for a joy ride.

I'll be back.

- [President Wolfman] Okay, honey.

- [Bobby] Bye, Mom!

She wasn't the best driver,

and Mom had gotten in close scrapes before.

Once, she and her boyfriend were speeding down Route 81,

not paying attention to the road

and almost blew up a gas truck.

But today was different.

Maybe it was the pressure of being First Lady.

Always in the spotlight, having to be perfect.

It seemed to push her into an abyss

from which she couldn't return.

(screams)

That was the last time I saw her,

unless you count the charred remains

they pulled from the wreckage.

It rained at the funeral.

I think it did, I can't remember, it's all blurry, now.

Dad was a mess, heartbroken and distraught.

Sometimes I have these horrible dreams

that he and I are in the woods in sleeping bags.

I feel somebody standing over me.

But it isn't a person, it's--

- [President Wolfman] Wake up, Bobby,

I've got to get to work.

- [Bobby] Dad, I had nightmares again.

You would never hurt me, would you?

- [President Wolfman] Well, that all depends on what you did

and if it deserved that type of punishment.

- [Bobby] What if I was really bad?

If I killed people?

- [President Wolfman] Killed them?

- [Bobby] Yeah, and then I ate them.

- [President Wolfman] How about we take a vacation?

- [Bobby] Yeah!

(drum roll)

- [Captain Jones] Welcome aboard Air Force One.

We expect smooth flying today en route to Arizona,

also known as the Show Me State.

The National bird here is the roadrunner,

the state flower is cactus.

The state person is poor and unemployed,

with at least one sexually transmitted disease.

At this time I invite you to gaze out

over our magnificent American landscape.

From the highest mountaintops to abundant wheat fields

and breathtaking natural breasts,

this truly is God's country.

So sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.

You may now turn on your electronic appliances.

- [Bobby] Wow, Dad, look down there.

I see the Grand Canyon.

- [President Wolfman] No, that's where the giant asteroid

hit that wiped out

around two thirds of the Earth's population.

- [Bobby] Oh.

When did that happen?

- [President Wolfman] Like, two weeks ago.

(dramatic drum music)

- [Head Agent] Listen up, men.

President Wolfman's come to our state

for a relaxing weekend of hunting

and I promised he'd leave with a few prize stags.

Trouble is, he's a terrible shot.

He couldn't hit Zach Galifianakis with a wrecking ball.

Your mission is to ensure he doesn't go home disappointed.

You'll trail him, discreetly and at a distance.

When the President raises his gun, you will raise your guns.

When he shoots, you will shoot.

If any living thing within 10 mile

of this hell hole survives today,

you have failed in your duty.

The country's depending on you, men.

Is that clear?

It's what you got (mumbles).

- [Secret Service Members] Sir, yes, sir.

- [Captain Jones] Prime ground here, Mister President.

- [President Wolfman] You were right

about this place, Jonesy.

Yellowstone's been kind of dead

since we poisoned the river last spring to catch bison.

Where are we, State Park?

- [Captain Jones] Apache Indian Reservation.

- [President Wolfman] And you've obtained the proper permits

to shoot game on their land?

- [Captain Jones] Uh, sure, we signed a treaty.

(crows caw)

- [President Wolfman] Look at it, Bobby.

This is America the beautiful,

the one they write songs about.

Not Washington DC, with its dirty politics

and corruption and cocaine and masquerade orgies

with those bird beak mask.

- [Bobby] Don't give up fighting those politicians, Dad.

You always said one strong voice can change the world.

- [President Wolfman] I don't know

how much voice I have left, Bobby.

I'm outnumbered, can't get anything done.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

- [Bobby] The Chinese are really gonna like it here, huh?

- [President Wolfman] I'm afraid I let you down, Bobby.

I've let down your whole generation.

- [Indian Woman] Chief Running Water!

Stranger with gun, they come to our land!

- [President Wolfman] There's a family!

- [Bobby] But, Dad--

- [President Wolfman] Okay, son,

let's find a single gay buck.

- [Bobby] Here!

- [President Wolfman] Got a nice clear shot, steady.

- [Head Agent] Wait.

- [President Wolfman] Steady.

- [Head Agent] Wait.

- [President Wolfman] Steady; now!

(gun shots)

Now!

(gun shots) (grenades whistle)

- [Chief Running Water] They ravage our sacred ground

for the last time.

Summon the Coyowolf!

His spirit will conquer the white chief.

Coyowolf, make revenge!

(coyote howls)

- [President Wolfman] What was that?

- [Bobby] There's something coming behind us.

It's a coyote or some kind of wolf!

- [President Wolfman] Run, Bobby, I'll take care of him.

- [Bobby] But Dad, look out.

Dad, help, Dad!

But Dad, look out.

Dad, help, help!

(coyote growls)

Dad!

(yells)

- [President Wolfman] No; Secret Service!

(airplane whirs) (drumming music)

- [Kitchen Supervisor] Listen up, everybody.

We've got a special VIP, very important patient

in our hospital and I want all of you to be in top form.

- [Female Kitchen Worker] Hope nobody shits in his food.

- [Male Kitchen Worker] Yep, I got a nice loaf for him.

- [Male Kitchen Worker With Mustache] Fuck it.

- [Nurse With Glasses] Good morning.

- [Nurse In Cap] You got the lucky shift,

guess who you're assigned to?

President John Wolfman himself.

You need to shave his balls,

take his butt temperature in his butt

and make sure to get a penis sample.

- [Nurse With Glasses] Okay, thank you.

- [Doctor] Hello, John.

Haven't seen you since the naval academy.

I remember when we used to fondle each other's genitals.

Oh, have you met Missis Johnson?

- [President Wolfman] Fondly, yeah, how do you do?

- [Doctor] We're going to run a series of tests,

nothing too invasive.

It seems that coyote was infected

with a rare bacterial agent

that's doing quite a number on your system.

- [President Wolfman] Should I be worried?

- [Doctor] This is a state of the art medical facility

and you'll be receiving the highest level of care

from the best team of doctors

and the most sophisticated medical technology on the planet.

Whatever's swimming around inside that bloodstream of yours

will be identified, diagnosed and eradicated

before you can say guinea pig.

- [President Wolfman] Okay, Doc.

I just wish I didn't feel so strange.

- [Doctor] Try and get some rest.

(disturbing music) (growls)

- [President Wolfman] Get away!

No, stop!

(growls)

What did you say, Phillips?

- [Press Secretary] As far as the public knows,

you suffered chest pains and collapsed

while speaking to a group of blind Islamic clerical workers.

- [President Wolfman] Ah, good cover.

- [Press Secretary] According to these test results,

you've got the DNA of a canine half your age.

Better take it easy.

- [President Wolfman] I can't take it easy,

I've got that party at the White House tonight

for the Miss American Junior Miss contestants.

- [Press Secretary] Go about your duties,

but try to avoid stressful conflicts and fire hydrants.

- [President Wolfman] Turn up the volume,

I want to hear this.

- [Newscaster] Who, from his secret laboratory

in the basement of the Smithsonian Institute,

has made a medical breakthrough involving man's best friend.

Be advised that these scenes may be offensive

to some dog lovers and hilarious to those who prefer cats.

- [Doctor Timotito] My experimentation

with canis lupus familiaris

began as a young genealogy student,

when I would capture stray dogs and remove their organs

for research and to feed my family.

I soon discovered that I could revive

the internal functions--

- [Physician] This is your balance due, Missis Johnson.

- [Missis Johnson] This dumb (mumbles) fill up this bag

three fucking time, they never come over to change it.

- [Doctor Timotito] I was able to keep one subject's heart

alive for 19 years.

Next, I tried--

- [Missis Johnson] I ring the goddamn buzzer,

nobody ever don't come, nobody.

- [Doctor Timotito] But I found that I had inadvertently

created a new species: the pet lung.

- [Newscaster] While pet lungs

never caught on with the public,

Doctor Timotito's greatest triumph came earlier this year,

when he succesfully removed a canine's head

- [Doctor Timotito] I have now successfully determined

that the animal require less care than a traditional canine.

- [Newscaster] This little fellow enjoys a good

tickle now and then.

A variety of tests were performed on the subject,

all with spectacular results.

Doctor Timotito even tried giving the dog

a small amount of LSD, the hallucinogenic drug

popular with negro jazz musicians.

("I see you" by Electric Banana)

- [Doctor Timotito] One day, I'll replace

the head of a dog with that of a man.

- [Newscaster] To test the doctor's claims,

we decided to have a little fun with a hammer.

Pretty annoying, right?

Well, our furry companion

didn't seem to appreciate it much--

- [President Wolfman] (grunts) Nurse, help me.

(growls) Nurse!

- [Nurse] Oh, Mister President!

Mister President, are you all right?

- [President Wolfman] I can't take it anymore.

Get that television out of here, please!

- [Doctor] Good news, Mister President,

you're a fucking werewolf.

You've been cleared for discharge.

- [President Wolfman] Oh, thank god!

- [Nurse In Glasses] Your motorcade's

waiting out front, sir.

We're sending you home.

- [Missis Johnson] God be with you, Mister President.

♪ President Wolfman ♪

(sirens)

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Junior Miss Contestant] The Miss America

Junior Miss competition is the longest running

and most prestigious of any pageant.

Carefully selected young ladies from every state

in the Union are selected for their poise,

beauty, ability and intelligences.

- [Madame Speaker] You know, Mister President,

I think the company of one of these nubile young things

could be just the recipe to boost your spirits.

- [President Wolfman] I couldn't, Madame Speaker.

- [Madame Speaker] Really?

- [President Wolfman] Maybe Miss Utah.

- [Junior Miss Contestant] Unfortunately, strict regulations

state that no Miss American Junior Miss contestant

may fraternize with a member of the U.S. government.

But we are so very grateful to the people of Washington

for giving us such a warm and wonderful introduction

to the capital city.

- [Madame Speaker] Well, good luck, dear.

With tits like those

she's got an excellent shot at the title.

- [Junior Miss Contestant] Here comes our chaperone,

Sandra O'Connor.

Sandy?

Sandy!

Over here!

- [Sandra] Hello, I've heard so much about all of you.

- [President Wolfman] Me too as well.

- [Madame Speaker] Whoa, somebody just got a bonus feature.

We'd better go before he pokes a hole in that tux.

(blower whistles)

- [Junior Miss Contestant] I'm single; how about you?

- [Senator] I'm not married very much.

- [Senator With Black Tie] Are you enjoying

the sights, young lady?

- [Junior Miss Contestant In Red] Guys in Washington

are really hot.

- [President Wolfman] So, what's it like

to play den mother to 50 rambunctious,

vibrant, plucky pageant hopefuls?

- [Sandra] It's 49, actually.

Puerto Rico wasn't invited.

- [President Wolfman] Oh, I see.

- [Sandra] We'll be in rehearsal all day before the show,

but my nights are free.

- [President Wolfman] Stay here with me.

- [Sandra] Oh my God, I was totally kidding.

My schedule is so packed I don't have time to see you.

Besides, I could never live up to your wife.

- [President Wolfman] What?

Aren't you jumping ahead a bit?

- [Sandra] Silly me, I always jump ahead.

I'll bring my things over first thing in the morning.

- [Male Party Guest] That's awesome that is so awesome,

that's awesome!

- [Secret Service Agent] I don't see your names on here.

- [Hazel] I told you, we're the new White House interns.

We're on the list.

- [Secret Service Agent] I still don't see them.

- [Billy Ray] Listen here, my brother

is Congressman Joe Mack from Chicago, he's inside.

- [Hazel] Please just check again.

- [Secret Service Agent] Okay, I still don't see

your names on here.

- [Hazel] Congressman Mack is a very important man.

I don't think he'd appreciate the way you're treating us.

Come on, Billy Ray, let's go.

- [Billy Ray] Calm down, baby.

- [Hazel] Don't tell me to calm the fuck down!

Get your brother on the phone!

- [President Wolfman] It's late, Madame Speaker.

Perhaps you should be getting home.

- [Madame Speaker] I won't keep you much longer,

Mister President.

You know, the Chinese have offered every member of Congress

their own skyscraper in New York City

to live in after the takeover.

And you get the Empire State Building.

All you need to do is sign the agreement.

- [President Wolfman] It'll take more

than a Park Avenue address to turn the nation over to China.

I believe Congress will support me on that.

- [Madame Speaker] They'll do as I tell them.

I want to see Central Park from my window,

not the common street scum loitering the National Mall.

I hate malls.

- [President Wolfman] That's funny, Dorothy,

isn't that where you bought that necklace?

- [Congressman Mack] Hey, Wolfman!

What's up with cock blocking my brother?

He's trying to seal the deal with his lady

and you put his dick on ice.

Come on, nigga.

- [President Wolfman] I apologize, Congressman.

I have nothing to do with the guest list.

- [Congressman Mack] Just like you had nothing to do

with hiking up the price of malt liquor in my state?

You want my vote against the Chinese takeover?

Get my brother in here prontosaurus.

- [President Wolfman] I was counting on your support, Joe.

- [Congressman Mack] You know how it works in this town.

You scratch my back, I sue you for sexual harassment.

Yeah, I've learned that pronunciation from Gloria Allred.

- [President Wolfman] Have them call here directly,

I'll make sure they get in.

- [Congressman Mack] You best hope so.

- [Madame Speaker] I'm ready to leave.

Would you be so kind as to escort me back to my townhouse?

I wouldn't be caught dead walking around DC after dark

while I'm lonesome.

- [President Wolfman] You go ahead.

I'll catch up to you.

(slow rhythmic music)

(glass shatters) (laughs)

- [Madame Speaker] When the Chinese come,

they'll gonna clean up trash like that.

Put them in the factories making knockoff fake mustaches.

You hear me?

- [Male Teenage Delinquent] Get a job, lady!

- [Madame Speaker] I'm the Speaker of the House.

- [Female Teenage Delinquent] More like the speaker

of my dad's old Denon home stereo system.

- [Male Teenage Delinquent] Oh, snap!

- [Madame Speaker] I'll take away your fucking freedom!

- [Female Teenage Delinquent] Come on, let's go!

(growls)

- [Madame Speaker] Who's there?

Who's there?

Stay away, I have a black belt.

And shoes and a bag to match.

That you, John?

Finally decided to be a gentleman, huh?

Well, there's gotta be at least one in this city.

(growls)

Wait, what are you doing?

How dare you!

No!

(screams) (growls)

(phone rings)

- [Female Party Guest] Does anybody think

we should answer that?

It could be important.

- [Male Party Guest With Mustache] I ain't answering

the White House phone.

What if it's like, the President of Tibet?

- [Male Party Guest In White Jacket] Then we'll tell him

to bring drugs (laughs).

- [Bobby] Dad?

Dad!

- [Hazel] These motherfuckers better pick up.

I didn't bust my ass at Stanford for four years

and get this White House internship

so I could be turned away by some jackass rentacop.

Hello?

Hello, I need to speak to Congressman Joe Mack, please.

- [Male Party Guest] He's passed out.

- [Hazel] Then put the President on the phone.

- [Billy Ray] Come on, Hazel, it's Friday night.

Who wants to hang out with a bunch of politicians, anyway?

- [Hazel] You should be at that party right now, Billy,

not your palm-greasing butt-kissing brother.

You're so cool, so laid back.

That's why he's inside and you're out here in the cold!

As usual!

- [Billy Ray] You better watch how you speak to me, Hazel.

At least I've got my integrity.

Around here, people get eaten alive.

Chewed up and spit out.

Not me, baby. (growls)

- [Hazel] What's that?

Billy, watch out!

- [Billy Ray] Be cool, man.

If you want money, you can have it.

- [Hazel] No, don't hurt him.

Hello? (screams)

9-1-1, are you there?

- [911 Operator] Hello, 9-1-1, can I help you?

- [Hazel] I want to report a murder!

Right now!

He's, he's a werewolf.

Yes, about 6'2".

Dark blue suit, tie.

Yes.

I don't know!

Pierre Cardin, maybe.

Please, just help me!

(screams) Oh my god!

Help, help, somebody!

(screams)

He's gone (sobs).

He's gone.

- [Radio Announcer] You're listening to K-Talk at M90.

- [Radio Host] Good morning DC,

though not for Speaker of the House Dorothy Maxwell,

who's reported missing last night.

Also, a series of bizarre attacks on the Beltway

has residents on edge.

- [Radio Announcer] The grizzly killings appear to be

the work of a wild animal, a rabid dog or even a wolf.

But such attacks are rare within city limits

and police are studying clues left on the scene

which point to a human perpetrator.

These include a pair of monogrammed cuff links

with the Presidential seal on them,

a handwritten note of White House stationary

reading "Cabinet meeting, 2:00 p.m. and pick up milk,"

and an original signed copy of the Bill of Rights.

Suspects are being interviewed by police at this time,

though no one has been officially charged.

- [Agent Tackler] Mister President, it's awkward for me

to have to ask you this, but where were you

between the hours of two and 3:30 a.m. this morning?

- [President Wolfman] I was volunteering at a school

for blind deaf mutes

who would be happy to corroborate my story,

except that they are blind deaf mutes and wouldn't know

if I were there even if I have been which I was.

- [Agent Tackler] John, I want you to sign this statement

saying you were home in bed, masturbating.

- [President Wolfman] I can't sign this, Tackler.

Truth is I don't know what I did last night.

And you spelled bed wrong.

- [Agent Tackler] Don't be cute,

just put your Hancock on it.

(buzzer)

- [Secretary] Agent Tackler, I have Chief Justice Snow

on the line for you.

- [Agent Tackler] I'm with the President,

can you take a message?

- [Secretary] He says it's urgent.

- [Agent Tackler] Fine, put the sonovabitch through.

Hello?

- [Justice Snow] I was holding

for the head of the Secret Service.

- [Agent Tackler] Speaking.

What is it, Snow?

- [Justice Snow] I believe the President

killed my dog last night.

My wife discovered his body in our yard,

he'd been ripped to shreds.

- [Missis Snow] (sobs) I was only gonna let him out

long enough to shit.

- [Justice Snow] Quiet!

- [Agent Tackler] What makes you think

Wolfman's responsible?

I mean, it could have been a fucking raccoon, anything!

- [Justice Snow] Does a raccoon carry a briefcase

full of nuclear secrets

that says property of John Wolfman,

President of the United States, on them?

That's what I found next to Duke's body,

little black laborer, em, Labrador.

And a key to the city of Cleveland.

- [Agent Tackler] Did you kill some guy's dog?

Jesus, John.

(buzzer)

- [Secretary] The police are holding a couple downtown.

They saw everything!

- [Agent Tackler] Are you aware that you are accusing

the leader of the free world of first degree manslaughter?

- [Billy Ray] No, just slaughter.

- [Hazel] That's what it was.

- [President Wolfman] Can you please tell us

everything you saw from the beginning?

- [Hazel] All I know, I was in the phone booth--

- [Agent Tackler] Who the hell uses a phone booth nowadays?

I could have you thrown in jail just for that.

- [Billy Ray] Aw, man, I knew this was gonna happen.

I never should have reported it.

- [President Wolfman] No, you did your duty as a citizen

and that's at the backbone of this country.

- [Agent Tackler] He had any backbone, he'd have shot

that thing himself and been on his merry black way.

Not gone crying to the cops.

- [President Wolfman] Tackler, please.

These people are my subjects

and they deserve a little respect.

- [Billy Ray] Subjects?

What, you think you're a king?

- [Agent Tackler] Around here he is.

I've busted punks like you for tracing names

at the Viet Nam vet memorial,

never mind threatening the President.

- [Billy Ray] Man, fuck that.

- [President Wolfman] He's right, I should not have referred

to him as a subject, but I'm not really sure

what the correct term is.

- [Agent Tackler] I can think of a few!

- [President Wolfman] Look, sir, your honesty

is imperative here, okay?

Can you please describe the killer?

- [Billy Ray] He was wearing a three piece suit.

- [Hazel] And had a tattoo on his chest.

A five pointed star.

- [Agent Tackler] They're lying.

Okay, book 'em!

- [Hazel] Motherfucker.

- [President Wolfman] Tackler!

- [Billy Ray] That's messed up, man!

Shit.

- [Agent Tackler] It's all a bunch of fucking bullshit

as far as I'm concerned.

- [Bald General] I for one would hate to see

the Chinese take over America.

I mean, we'd have to change all our signs and then our flag.

- [Agent Tackler] What is theirs?

Red with a couple of stars?

Boring.

- [Gray Hair General] I heard infrastructure

will be left pretty much alone.

- [General In Glasses] Well, I've heard

white girls love Asian men.

Yeah, it's true.

My wife and daughters told me.

- [VP Mangle] Gentlemen, the trouble is we're bankrupt,

so unless you're planning to order your soldiers

into other countries to steal all their stuff

and sell it back to them to raise cash,

we need to confront this Chinese issue.

And I'm not suggesting anything,

but if we did that to Britain and France,

we'd all be fucking millionaires (laughs).

What we need to know is if that bill

passes the House and the Senate,

is our Commander in Chief willing to risk everything

in order to kill it? (Wolfman growls)

What do you say, Mister President?

- [Bald General] Well, Mister President?

Where do you stand on the China syndrome?

(Wolfman growls)

- [President Wolfman] Uh, excuse me,

I just remembered I'm supposed to be at Lincoln Center.

I'm guest judging the talent portion

of the Miss American Junior Miss pageant.

It's going to be me, Barbara Boxer,

there's gonna be catering.

I understand, it's young women, they're our future, so,

I think Elton John is gonna play.

Excuse me (growls)

- [VP Mangle] I wanna come!

Well, gentlemen, we don't need Elton John

to have a good time.

Come on, am I right?

(laughs) Hello, Megan.

- [President Wolfman] Timotito?

Doctor Timotito?

Yes, I'd like to make an appointment to see Doctor Timotito.

It's urgent.

Hello?

Are you listening, damn it?

I'm the president of the United States!

No, I don't have fucking insurance!

- [Doctor Timotito] Yes, can I help you?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What a beautiful specimen.

Half canis lupus, the remainder a mix of human and

I see a slight touch of earthworm.

- [President Wolfman] My name is John Wolfman,

I have a responsibility to the nation

I can't fulfill in my present condition.

Please, can you put me back how I was?

I'm begging you.

- [Doctor Timotito] Mister President,

I am going to heal you.

I'm going to make you beautiful again.

With my help, you're going to be able

to rule this country again as a man (laughs).

(Wolfman yelps)

That's cute.

Good boy.

Gentlemen, we will be making a radical attempt

at reverse cryogenic metamorphosis.

In an effort to halt the transformation of DNA

within the cells we shall remove all genetic canine material

and exterior physical traits.

Even if it means firing up the electrolysis machine

and lasering this son of a bitch myself.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Surgeon] Forceps; dilators; check the anesthetic, please.

Hey, pooch!

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Yeah, he's out like a light.

Hand me that sponge.

We are now circumventing the lupial DNA

from the cerebral cortex

and replacing with homosapian chromosomes.

- [Doctor Timotito] Get rid of the teeth!

And now, prepare for fang removal.

- [Surgeon] Making incision, Doctor.

- [Doctor Timotito] The creature's incisors

are lodged above the gum line and must be fully extracted.

- [Surgeon] It's too deep.

It's too deep!

- [Doctor Timotito] Dig, Doctor.

Like a farmer plucks the carrot from earthen soil!

Pull, pull, damn it!

- [Surgeon] Got it!

- [Doctor Timotito] Now grab the other one.

I gotta take a damn leak.

- [Boy In Light Shirt] Hey, Bobby, where's your Dad?

- [Bobby] He's working.

- [Boy In Checkered Shirt] Wasn't he supposed

to take you camping this weekend?

- [Bobby] Sure, but he's the President.

Things come up.

- [Boy] My father says he's the biggest pussy

we've had in the White House since Socks.

- [Bobby] Come on.

- [Boy] When he's gonna grow some--

- [Surgeon] Ready to remove the balls.

Jesus, they're huge.

To cut these off would be unpatriotic.

I concur.

- [Doctor Timotito] Girlfriends, I don't like to double

social dimensions so to speak,

I think that's how you would call it,

but I get laid.

- [Surgeon] Doctor, there's a problem!

The subject is frozen in mid transformation.

It's as if he's in suspended animation.

- [Doctor Timotito] Is he man or is he wolf?

- [Surgeon] Something in between.

I'm afraid he's become a hippie!

(bright upbeat music)

- [President Wolfman] Hey dude, could you pass the shellac?

(clipper buzzes)

(bright upbeat music)

Sandra, wow.

I'm used to seeing rankled old cabinet members

prowling these halls, not beautiful women.

- [Sandra] I waited up for you as long as I could.

- [President Wolfman] I'm sorry, Sandra.

Something came up.

- [Sandra] Please don't apologize.

You're the President.

- [President Wolfman] Am I, I'm the President?

Yes, guilty as charged.

- [Sandra] The only sad part was when I reached my hand out

this morning to touch you, the mattress was cold.

As if you hadn't been to bed all night.

- [President Wolfman] I didn't get much sleep, I'm afraid.

There's been a lot on my mind.

- [Sandra] You know, President Wolfman.

The girls are in rehearsal all day.

We brought a fantastic new choreographer in

from Los Alamos and he'll be working with them

on the opening number until late this afternoon.

If you wanted, we could go to your room.

- [President Wolfman] It sounds lovely.

But I'm late for a meeting with Maude Atkins.

She's a very powerful lobbyist.

- [Sandra] If she's a lobbyist,

shouldn't you be in the lobby?

- [President Wolfman] That's a good point.

I'll ask my secretary to change locations.

Excuse me.

- [Maude] I've got a stack of pledges

signed by each and every Senator guaranteeing their vote.

I can't buy public opinion, and most Americans believe

a Chinese buyout would solve the economic crisis

and be good for all of us.

By us I mean you and me and politicians and white people.

- [VP Mangle] None of that's relevant if he decides to veto.

- [Maude] Are you considering that, John?

- [President Wolfman] You know, Maude,

I've been asking myself what makes a great President.

Character, decisive leadership

or the capacity to carry out the will of the people,

even when the people are wrong

Like when they voted to ban the use of thermoses.

That was just weird.

- [VP Mangle] Could you live with your conscience

as the President who sold the United States?

- [President Wolfman] No, I couldn't.

- [Maude] You don't sound like a man

who's trying to get re-elected.

- [President Wolfman] Well, you do sound like a man.

- [Sandra] This is who you rejected me for?

- [President Wolfman] Hello, Sandra.

- [Maude] As long as I live and breathe,

that bill will go through, and you won't stop it.

As long as I'm alive, got it?

As long as I'm alive.

(phone tones)

- [President Wolfman] Hello, Senator Straight?

John Wolfman.

Senator, I'm calling to ask you to vote no tomorrow

on the Chinese buyout.

- [Senator Straight] I'd like to help you, Mister President,

but I've got a family to support.

Besides, I signed that pledge and I'm on the waiting list

for the Chrysler Building.

- [President Wolfman] Senator, I'll pay you $5,000

to vote down that Chinese bill.

- [Senator Cohen] $5,000, have you lost your mind?

That wouldn't buy a blowjob

from the boy in the Capitol Hill mail room.

- [Senator Edward] All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll vote no if you support my legislation

to legalize fisting.

- [Senator Skylar] This is the last fuckin' legislation

I'm reading tonight.

Would you confirm my reservation for 26 at the Truffle Hut?

Thanks hon.

- [Skylar's Secretary] Senator Skylar's office.

Yes, sir.

President Wolfman.

- [Senator Skylar] God damnit.

Shit, there goes my birthday.

- [Skylar's Secretary] Hold the line please.

Take the phone.

- [Senator Skylar] Yes, gGod, I'll never understand

how this asshole ever got himself elected

to public office.

Johnny, you old sonuvabith, I was just talking about you.

What's up?

- [President Wolfman] Senator, I need you

to have my back on this.

They've bought off Congress and hoodwinked the public,

but they can't bribe those of us

who still believe there's good in this country,

hope for justice and liberty and the truth.

I'm pleading for your help to vote against this buyout bill

and kill it in the Senate.

- [Senator Skylar] I'm afraid I can't hear

a word you're saying.

Must be my phone.

- [President Wolfman] Hello, Senator?

Oh, Christ.

- [Teenage Boy] Hello?

- [President Wolfman] Hi, is Senator Schaefer there, please?

This is the President of the United States.

- [Teenage Boy] He's not home, can I take a message?

- [President Wolfman] Yes, have him call me

as soon as he gets in.

- [Girl] Hello?

- [President Wolfman] This is President John Wolfman,

is your mother at home?

- [Girl] No, she isn't.

- [Boyfriend] Hey, I found the amyl nitrate!

- [Girl] I gotta go, I'm busy, okay?

Okay.

(phone rings)

- [Butcher] White House kitchen.

- [President Wolfman] Sam, I want a side of beef

delivered to my office.

- [Butcher] Mister President?

We're working around the clock cooking your last order.

- [President Wolfman] Just send it raw!

- [Butcher] I can't do that, it's not sanitary.

You could get worms.

- [President Wolfman] I don't care if I get fish!

I'm ravenous here.

- [Butcher] If you insist.

- [President Wolfman] And throw in

a half a dozen of live squirrels.

- [Butcher] Squirrels?

Hello?

Shit.

- [President Wolfman] Please, no.

He said I was cured.

Not more killing, not tonight.

(growls)

Mustn't...

(phone rings) (growls)

- [Man] Hello?

Is that you, hello?

- [President Wolfman] Now is not the time.

(phone tone)

(growls)

- [Bobby] Dad?

Dad, is everything okay?

What's going on in there?

Dad, dad!

(Wolfman sniffs)

(growls)

(intense music)

♪ President Wolfman ♪

(howls)

(upbeat funky music)

(thumps)

- [Cashier] You can have it for free

if you show me naked pictures of your wife.

Shweet.

(car rumbles)

(Wolfman breathes heavily)

- [Maude] Look at these fucking gas prices.

I'm gonna be rich! (laughs)

- [Sexy Girl] Hi, I don't have any ID and I'm 14

and my father's the Mayor and I have a gun.

- [Cashier] Where do you keep it?

- [Sexy Girl] And I want two cartons of Benson

and Hedges Ultra Lights for my boyfriend who's in prison.

Thank you.

- [Manager] You gonna let her walk away with that stuff?

- [Cashier] Ain't worth getting shot.

- [Maude] Who are you?

A werewolf?

No!

Help, help me, please!

- [Hippy Girl] Know what I mean?

- [Hippy Guy] Hey, how's it going?

- [Manager] Oh, not much of anything.

- [Hippy Guy] We heard there's been

some strange deaths in this area.

- [Manager] Yeah, last night.

But it's been quiet as a church mouse around here.

How scary is it be to have a psychotic killer on the loose

right in our neighborhood?

(Wolfman growls) (Maude screams)

- [Hippy Girl] I could be really stoned

but there's a lady getting attacked by a werewolf out there.

Maybe you should like call the police.

(Maude screams)

- [Manager] Yep, you're right, I'll phone them immediately.

- [Officer] This is the police.

- [Manager] The killer's here outside!

Corner of J Street.

(Wolfman growls) (Maude screams)

Come quick, he's ripping her apart!

- [Dispatcher] Attention unit number 34.

Do you copy?

Pick up.

- [Officer] This is 34, s'up?

- [Dispatcher] There's a murder in progress

at Drink n' Drive gas station, get over there right away.

- [Officer] I'm in the middle of an emergency

three-seven-niner and the thing's about to pop.

- [Dispatcher] Roger that.

Gimme an E-T-A A-S-A-P.

I need any and all units!

(woman moans)

- [Officer In Cap] Hey, Johnson, how much longer

you gonna be?

- [Officer Without Cap] Gimme like five minutes.

Baby's coming.

- [Officer In Cap] Make it three.

Just got called on a one eighty seven.

- [Officer Without Cap] You heard him, lady.

Push, come on!

- [Agnes] I'm pushing!

- [Agnes's Friend] You're doing great, Agnes.

- [Officer In Cap] Get the rest of him.

We don't have all night, we're on taxpayer time here.

Move it, push!

- [Agnes's Friend] Come on, Agnes, you can do it.

- [Agnes] I'm trying!

- [Agnes's Friend] Come on, Agnes, you're almost there.

- [Officer In Cap] Whoah!

Say it, don't spray it.

- [Officer Without Cap] Here he comes.

- [Baby] Mommy, I have a question.

Why aren't we in a hospital?

- [Officer In Cap] Quit fooling around.

- [Officer Without Cap] Hold everything,

there's another one in there.

- [Officer In Cap] That's the ugliest baby I ever seen!

Who's the father?

A liver?

- [Officer Without Cap] It's the placenta.

- [Officer In Cap] Right, put it in a doggy bag

and let's get going.

- [Officer Without Cap] Congratulations, honey.

High five, here.

(mumbles)

- [Agnes] Seriously, give me my baby.

I'm gonna name him Bloody.

Hi, Bloody.

- [Officer In Cap] Nice job, Johnson.

- [Officer Without Cap] Amazing.

Kinda makes me wish I was a woman.

(Wolfman growls) (Maude screams)

- [Manager] I haven't seen this much action

since my wife brought home another man.

(Maude screams)

- [Hippy Guy] Right on.

- [Agent Tackler] Another day, another dead body.

This is a PR nightmare.

- [Captain Jones] Puerto Ricans?

- [Agent Tackler] No, you goof.

Public Ricans.

Politically motivated murders.

Speaker of the House, Maude Atkins.

Who's next, Neil fucking Armstrong?

- [President Wolfman] All supporters

of the Chinese takeover.

Captain Jones, Agent Tackler, do you see a connection here?

- [Captain Jones] The only thing I see

is we either have a homicidal maniac

loose on the streets of Washington,

or somebody wants to save this country.

- [Xiao Peng] Find Ambassador Chen

and tell him to pack his bags.

He flies to the Capital tonight.

- [Chinese Females] President Xiao Peng,

what is your plan for America?

- [Xiao Peng] A cultural migration by which every level

of their society is infiltrated.

We'll take over their professional sports:

basketball, baseball, hacky sack, hop-and-scotch.

The institutions of higher learning

will be overrun by our people,

as with their factories and playgrounds,

soon, the men and woman of China

will become the new face of America.

We will be the movie stars, the literati,

the cognishenti, international sex symbols.

Your country will serve as a playground for our pleasure,

our whims, our lusts!

Everything that you hold dear, every God given right

stripped away and discarded like industrial waste

into the Yellow River, written by I.P. Daily.

Plus, I will force the people of North Dakota

and the people of South Dakota to switch places.

(laughs) That would be hilarious.

- [Chinese Females] Mass chaos (giggle)

- [Xiao Peng] You like that, eh, girls?

Here, pass me that joint.

Look, ha-ha!

Burn, United States.

I shower you with flames and prescription drugs,

rendering you fruitless!

(all laugh)

- [Spokesperson] I was afraid of this very scenario

if the Chinese bill passed the Senate, but since it has,

I see I was wrong.

Ask the President to sign that bill and say no to a veto.

It's good for America, it's good business for America.

- [Announcer] Paid for by Americans

for the Destruction of God.

(bomb ticks)

(bomb explodes)

- [Senator Schuly] Very good, wonderful.

Wonderful, yes, a little, no, top it off.

Very good, that's beautiful, thank you very much.

- [President Wolfman] Look at Senator Schuly.

Shoveling slop down his gullet.

So smug that he just sold out his country.

I'd like to rip his limbs off.

- [Captain Jones] Jeez, dude, calm down.

Someone's gonna think you're the nut

who's been going around killing people.

- [President Wolfman] Don't you see, Jonesy, I am him.

The deranged killer tearing people's necks

and eating their hearts out around town.

Anyone who opposes me, that's me.

- [Captain Jones] You can't prove that.

- [President Wolfman] Look, damn it!

That witness, the girl. She knew.

No one outside of my wife and secretary have ever seen this.

She could identify me.

I have to resign immediately.

Staying in office would be like handing over the keys

to the country to Xiao Peng and his thugs.

- [Captain Jones] You've got to veto that bill.

- [President Wolfman] I can't if I'm not behind bars.

- [Captain Jones] I thought you gave up bartending.

(upbeat funky music)

(bowling pins rattle)

- [VP Mangle] Nothing like bowling

to relieve the old stress endorphins.

Eh, Mister President?

- [President Wolfman] I'll say.

This alley was installed by Roosevelt.

- [VP Mangle] Which one?

- [President Wolfman] Uh, Charles, I think.

Listen, Ed, if anything were to happen to me,

you would become President.

- [VP Mangle] Really?

I wasn't aware of that.

- [President Wolfman] I'm the werewolf, Ed!

Now, I've made arrangements to sequester myself in my office

until tomorrow morning so that nothing can keep me

from signing the veto the moment it crosses my desk.

- [VP Mangle] Now listen, John.

The strain of job has gone to your head.

The country depends on you to be of a sound state of mind.

If you're not, you're putting the nation at risk.

- [President Wolfman] I'll be OK till the morning.

But if anything should happen,

I'm trusting you to sign that veto.

And please, do not tell a soul about this.

Especially Bobby.

- [VP Mangle] If there's one thing you should know about me

it's that I can keep a secret.

Hell, did I ever tell anybody about the time

you put sulfuric acid in a baby bonny anuses

to test your failed make-up line?

Let's bowl.

- [Captain Jones] I'm setting this alarm for 0600 hours.

That's what time the bill is to arrive at your office.

- [President Wolfman] I don't want anyone

to let me out of these shackles no matter what I say or do.

Unless I have to go to the bathroom

or maybe stretch my legs.

- [Captain Jones] I believe in you, Mister President.

Of course, I also believe that an evil race of croutons

are plotting to poison your salad.

- [President Wolfman] Jonesy, I want you to tell Bobby

I promise to take him to Camp David when this is all over.

- [Captain Jones] Whatever you say, sir.

- [President Wolfman] I said, tell him!

Tell him I'm sorry for not being there enough,

making him feel shame about his sexuality

and failing to protect him from the taunts and bullying

of neighborhood ruffians.

Tell Bobby I love him!

That's an order!

- [Captain Jones] Tell him yourself!

Look, Mister President, you have a duty to that boy,

and if you can't fulfill it, for God's sakes don't eat him.

Good night.

(soft dreamy music)

- [President Wolfman] Sandra, hello.

- [Sandra] Oh my God.

You look like a chained animal.

An elderly one, because of the rocking chair.

- [President Wolfman] I know.

I didn't want you to see me like this.

Not unless it involved role play.

- [Sandra] I've never done it with a President before.

At least, not the President of the United States.

- [President Wolfman] You've done it with a different one?

- [Sandra] Well, there was the President

of the Gay Talese fan club.

And also that chubby guy with red glasses

who writes jokes for the Oscars.

- [President Wolfman] What?

You had sex with the President

of the Bruce Vilanche fan club?

- [Sandra] No, silly!

I had sex with Bruce Vilanche.

- [President Wolfman] But he's not a president.

- [Sandra] That bastard!

He told me he was.

- [President Wolfman] Let me out of these chains.

I'll show Vilanche!

- [Sandra] Don't get uptight, John.

None of them were as good as you.

- [President Wolfman] But we haven't actually

made love yet--

- [Sandra] Shhh, don't say anything.

You're the best, John.

The best I've ever had.

- [President Wolfman] Okay.

- [Sandra] I love you.

(both moan)

- [Captain Jones] I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I think you'd better see this.

Mangle's called an emergency press conference,

he's on the air now.

- [Newscaster] We now take you to the Pentagon.

- [VP Mangle] Ladies and gentlemen,

I have a very important announcement

regarding some rather startling developments

with our President, John Wolfman.

(clears throat) Settle down, settle down.

Last evening, I was informed of a dire,

and to put it bluntly, terrifying state of events.

I was asked to keep this information confidential,

but after a rather cathartic meeting with my Rabbi,

I've come to the decision

that the American people need to know.

It is therefore my unpleasant duty to inform all of you

that the President of the United States

has been bitten by a werewolf.

(audience gasps)

- [Reporter] Vice President Mangle!

- [President Wolfman] That son of a bitch!

- [Reporter] Vice President Mangle!

- [Diner Owner] This is boring.

Let's see what's on C-SPAN.

- [Diner Customer] Leave it, Marty!

- [VP Mangle] No questions, please.

President Wolfman is responsible

for the killings in Washington DC.

He is dangerous and unfit to hold the office

of Commander In Chief.

As of this moment, I will assume

all responsibilities of the Presidency.

Until this is resolved,

there will be a lock down in the city effective immediately.

- [Reporter] Where is the President now?

- [VP Mangle] He could be anywhere.

At the corner drug store.

Waiting in line at a local movie theater, a strip club,

a marijuana dispensary, a novelty store,

or rummaging though your child underwear drawer.

(crowd screams)

- [VP Mangle] Now, now.

Was it something I said? (laughs)

This is hot.

Now this is a fucking riot. (laughs)

- [President Wolfman] He's orchestrating a coup!

- [Sandra] I had no idea he was a musician.

(phone rings)

- [President Wolfman] Don't answer the phone!

- [Sandra] Oh, I love that movie.

President Wolfman's office?

I'm sorry, he's indisposed.

No, disposed is not a place.

It's Mangle.

- [President Wolfman] This better be good.

- [VP Mangle] I'm afraid I couldn't risk

that bill falling into the wrong paws, hands.

- [President Wolfman] Bill?

Why are you so concerned about Bill?

- [VP Mangle] I'm authorizing the takeover

and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

- [President Wolfman] I swore you in, Mangle,

and I can swear you out!

- [VP Mangle] I wouldn't try it, John.

I've got your son.

Don't worry, he's safe.

Being held in one of the many secret bunkers

built beneath this town for situations like this.

By the time you find him,

I'll be Prime Minister of Chimerica and you'll be nothing

but a sad pathetic footnote in the anals of history.

- [President Wolfman] Annals of history.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Newscaster] A state of emergency has been declared

as the streets of DC run amok.

In a city where the most powerful man on the planet

is also its most unpredictable and deadliest criminal,

no one is considered safe!

- [Young Man] The President promised to change,

but not changing into a fucking werewolf.

Our government is nothing but a gang of psychos

and Wolfman is the worst of the bunch!

Hey, look out!

- [Lady In Window] Oh, my God!

Somebody make a PSA!

- [Senator Schuly] I knew I shouldn't have had

that last Schnapps.

- [PSA Announcer] Don't drink Schnapps.

A message from the American Automotive Agency Foundation.

- [President Wolfman] Bobby!

Bobby, it's Dad!

I'm coming to get you!

(electricity fuzzes)

- [Guard] Hold it right there!

Don't take another step down those steps.

Jesus, you must be--

- [President Wolfman] President Wolfman!

(gun bangs)

Where's my son!

Where is he?

Tell me, damn it! (growls)

- [Guard] Don't kill me, I voted for you!

- [President Wolfman] Where's Bobby?

Tell me now, tell me now! (growls)

- [VP Mangle] My fellow Americans, we are privileged

to bear witness to a new dawn of the American destiny.

A super society in which the outmoded ideals

of rugged individualism and personal liberty

give way to the greater goal of mass slavery.

- [Mangle's Henchman] Excuse me, Mister Mangle.

It's Bobby Wolfman.

- [VP Mangle] What of him?

- [Mangle's Henchman] Well, he's--

- [VP Mangle] Can't you see I'm rehearsing?

- [Mangle's Henchman] The boy has escaped.

- [VP Mangle] Well, find him, damn it!

Last thing I need is that little brat coming after me

to avenge his father.

The Wolfman bloodline must be destroyed

if I have to track him myself and grab him

and hold down his innocent little 10 year old body

and strangle the life out of him!

Squeeze him everywhere.

His genitals, everything.

- [Missis Mangle] Vice President Mangle?

- [VP Mangle] Huh?

- [Missis Mangle] I'm your wife.

- [VP Mangle] Of course, please, come in, dear.

(bell rings)

- [Newscaster] Mass demonstrations paralyze Washington

and the nation as President Wolfman remains at large.

- [Protesters] Kill him, kill him, kill him!

- [Newscaster] Pandemonium rules the day

as Americans take to the streets.

Destruction, confusion and outrage

erupting through our cities, a wave of anxiety

that's causing law abiding citizens

to behave like stampeding beasts,

leaving the young, the weak and the insane

to suffer and die in their wake while the fate of the nation

hangs in the balance.

What has become of our leaders?

Where is President Wolfman?

- [Dad] This is the first time

I ever gave a shit about politics.

- [Daughter] I know, dude!

- [Girls] Jump, jump, jump!

America's dead!

(thuds)

- [Sandra] John, the police were here looking for you.

It's not safe.

- [President Wolfman] Well, I only come back

to say goodbye, Sandra.

I'm resigning my office, effective immediately.

- [Sandra] Do you have time for sex?

- [President Wolfman] I'm no longer fit to be President.

I'll sign the veto, then turn myself in

to the papal authorities.

- [Sandra] Just know that whatever happens,

no matter what you decide to do, I'll support you.

I have money.

- [President Wolfman] How much money?

- [Sandra] A lot.

- [President Wolfman] Thank you, darling,

but that's more than I deserve.

I've lost my son and the trust of my country.

I'm a failure.

- [Agent Tackler] Mister President?

Bobby's been spotted at Camp David

and Mangle's given the order to shoot to kill.

But the veto--

- [Sandra] John, wait.

If you find Bobby, or if he gets killed,

will you be able to make it to the pageant tonight?

The girls have worked hard and it would mean so much to them

and to the nation.

- [President Wolfman] Howl do my best.

I may be the President and I may be a wolfman,

but I'm also a father.

♪ President Wolfman ♪

- [VP Mangle] This is a high security alert.

All available agents are to report to Camp David

in pursuit of Bobby Wolfman.

I want him captured dead or alive.

- [Radio Announcer] You're listening to K-TALK FM,

your station for the best political gossip

inside the Beltway.

America's poised to change hands,

and our Commander in Chief is both mia and doa.

What the fuck does that mean?

- [Helicopter Pilot] Attention base,

I've got visual contact with the boy.

- [Mangle's Henchman] Good, don't lose him.

Wherever he goes, Wolfman's bound to turn up.

Might as well stuff two birds with one hand.

- [Radio Announcer] You're listening to K-TALK FM 90.

Chinese Ambassador Hyun Chen arrives in Washington tonight

to sign the amendment making the U.S. a colony of China.

Where I can just split on whether this business arrangement

will ultimately be good for the average person or nor.

What do you think?

Connie in Philadelphia, on K-TALK.

- [Connie] I don't like Chinese people any more than you do,

but I won't feel safe walking the streets

as long as this President's in office.

And yes, I am a street walker, so what?

- [Radio Announcer] As a matter of fact, yes,

they eat dogs over there, so I'd say,

President Wolfman, watch out.

- [Helicopter Pilot] Stop where you are, Bobby.

We've been ordered to take you into custody.

This is for your own protection.

Your father is after you

and he is considered highly dangerous.

In fact, he hates you and he's going to kill you.

- [Bobby] No!

- [Helicopter Pilot] Give yourself up, give up on yourself.

You were destined to fail at life.

Damn it, it's too narrow to follow him in.

We've lost contact.

- [Mangle's Henchman] I'll get the little punk myself.

He won't get far.

(intense music)

(splashes)

- [Agent On Road] This ought to stop that kid in his tracks.

Watch out!

(car rambles)

- [Bobby] Dad, Dad, is that you?

Please don't hurt me.

I won't tell anyone who you are, I promise.

- [Smokey The Bear] Hey, Bobby.

- [Bobby] You scared me.

I thought you were my father.

He's a werewolf.

- [Smokey The Bear] Oh, no, we don't have werewolves here.

Camp David is a secure environment where Presidents

and their families have come for generations

to enjoy recreation and the great outdoors.

It's up to every individual

to help preserve the ecosystems in which--

(growls) Oh shit!

Help me!

(growls)

- [Bobby] Smokey!

(girls giggle)

- [Little Girl] There's a pervert in that car.

- [President Wolfman] Excuse me?

Have you girls seen a little boy around here?

- [Little Girl] No.

- [Another Little Girl] Wasn't that the President?

- [Little Girl] No, he's busy selling us out to the Chinese.

- [Another Little Girl] It was nice being free for a while.

- [Pilot] Attention, base, I've got a visual contact.

- [President Wolfman] Bobby.

- [Mangle's Henchman] I've got the boy cornered.

You're mine!

(intense music)

- [Little Boy In Pink] What the heck?

- [President Wolfman] Bobby, watch out!

(brakes screech)

- [Bobby] Oh, fuck.

- [President Wolfman] Touch that boy

and I'll chew off your penis!

Bobby, are you all right?

- [Bobby] (sobs) I'm sorry, Dad.

I thought you were gonna kill me.

- [President Wolfman] You crazy kid!

You know better.

- [Bobby] But I saw you turn into that monster.

I didn't mean to make you so mad.

- [President Wolfman] I've told you a million times,

I would never hurt you, not intentionally.

- [Bobby] You're not angry at me?

- [President Wolfman] No, if I had been,

you'd be face down in that gutter in a puddle of blood.

- [Bobby] Then you might still turn into it again?

- [President Wolfman] No, son.

Those days are over.

I'm going back to the White House and do what's right.

I'll sign that veto and save America's freedom.

Then I'll turn myself in to the police.

I'm going to jail.

I'll probably be raped in prison.

- [Bobby] Okay, Dad.

But I was kind of hoping you'd change

into the werewolf one more time.

Just to see the look on all those crooked politicians

in Congress who try to push you around.

And watch you rip their fucking throats out.

(laugh)

- [President Wolfman] On the floor of the Senate!

- [Bobby] Or in like, the rose garden.

- [President Wolfman] You know something, Bobby,

when this is all over,

we're going to take that camping trip.

I promise we'll be a family again.

- [Bobby] I love you, Dad.

- [President Wolfman] Me too.

I want you to take this to the Capital Building.

- [Agent Tackler] You've made the right choice,

Mister President.

You may lose the election, but they'll thank you

in the history books.

- [President Wolfman] The first President

of the United States ever to be convicted of murder

while in office.

Yeah, thanks, a lot.

- [VP Mangle] The veto's no good.

I've folded it up and put it inside this tiny space drone.

Two hours from now, I'll be signing the agreement

with the Chinese Ambassador and this piece of paper

will be halfway to Uranus.

- [Mangle's Henchman] I see.

And what about the President?

- [VP Mangle] What President?

Haven't you seen the news?

He's a god damn werewolf!

- [Mangle's Henchman] That's what I'm worried about.

- [VP Mangle] Prime Minister Edward Mangle.

Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

Shame that sucker Wolfman won't be around to see it.

He'll be in some veterinarian's waiting room

in line for euthanasia (laughs).

- [Mangle's Henchman] Why would he wait

for a bunch of Asian kids?

- [VP Mangle] To be put down, dumb ass!

Fucking retard.

We oughta get that door fixed.

Another detail the President overlooked.

Just like he didn't know I've been working

with the Chinese to carve up a new map of the U.S.

One in which the state of Florida will be altered

to look like Carol Channing's vagina,

and Minnesota will be reshaped as my dick and balls!

And the vagina and the balls come up

and the dick goes into their fat pussy (laughs).

Better weather down there (laughs).

- [President Wolfman] I can't allow this to happen.

I love the shape of Minnesota,

though the vagina thing is interesting.

- [VP Mangle] Almost forgot this baby.

If it fell in the wrong hands,

this country might actually have a shot

at retaining democracy, freedom for the American people

and live up to its responsibility as a beacon of hope

that this world isn't going to hell in a hand sanitizer.

- [President Wolfman] I took an oath once,

that I promised to execute faithfully, so help me God.

(somber music)

(growls)

President Lincoln, the 40th President.

You had all the answers, the lasting respect

of the American people.

I could sure use some guidance right about now.

- [Abe Lincoln] Well, my son.

It appears you've gotten yourself into quite a pickle.

(chuckles) Did you know I invented pickles?

- [President Wolfman] Please, tell me, what should do?

- [Abe Lincoln] There's only one option.

You must exterminate the Chinese.

- [President Wolfman] Really?

- [Abe Lincoln] Drop bombs on their cities,

machine gun them while they sleep.

Murder their children and use their blood

to paint pornographic images on their farm fields

so enormous they're visible from space.

Kill their pets and stuff them down the toilet

so that all of their poop will pile up and begin to smell.

Don't stopp until every trace of their culture

is stamped out, except for mooshoo pork.

I loves me some mooshoo pork.

- [President Wolfman] But that's a billion people

wiped off the planet.

- [Abe Lincoln] Hey, this isn't a popularity contest.

You know how many people died in the Civil War?

The level of devastation?

Why, there's parts of Mississippi

that still can't support human life thanks to me.

And yet, look where I am today.

They built me a statue the size of Fort Knox

with a big marble McMansion to hold it.

Now, you go back there, Wolfman, and you tell those bastards

that nobody, and I mean nobody,

fucks with the President of the United States!

- [President Wolfman] Here's what we're going to do.

Jonesy, you'll let me on that chopper before Mangle

and his Chinese counterpart board.

They won't even know I'm there until I surprise them.

- [Captain Jones] I just hope

you can keep your cool up there.

- [President Wolfman] I am going to resolve this peacefully.

After all, I'm the President of the United States.

I'm as cool as they come, cucumber.

- [Captain Jones] Yeah.

- [Agent Tackler] Good luck, Mister President.

You'll need it.

The nation is depending on you.

- [President Wolfman] God bless 'em.

Let's go, gentlemen.

- [Announcer] Lights, camera, teenage girls!

Welcome to the annual Miss American Junior Miss Pageant,

featuring the hottest young ladies from across our nation!

This year's broadcast is brought to by Chimerica!

(upbeat music)

- [VP Mangle] Come on, Ambassador Chen.

We're on taxpayer time here.

- [Ambassador Chen] Why must we sign the agreement

in a god damn helicopter?

Don't you have desks in this country?

- [VP Mangle] It's got to do with neutral airspace,

all that shit.

You know how they get all OCD

with this type of international pact.

We are changing history, for God's sake.

At ease, sailor.

Very good, okay, welcome aboard.

Once we're at 14,000 feet, we'll get this puppy signed

and squared away.

Find a seat, then, we can pop the corks

and toast a new era, the Chimerican century.

- [Ambassador Chen] Yeah, I really like that name.

- [VP Mangle] Has superpower written all over it.

(chuckles)

Doesn't it, stewardess?

- [President Wolfman] (in lady voice) Uh, for sure, sir.

- [Ambassador Chen] I must admit I am looking forward

to the takeover of your country.

We plan on spreading disease throughout your community

and contaminating hospital almost immediately.

- [VP Mangle] Well, that's great.

I'll be living on top of the Eiffel Tower,

so, won't make a damn bit of difference to me.

- [Ambassador Chen] By the way, I brought the new version

of your Constitution, we make a few corrections.

- [VP Mangle] Oh, like what?

- [Ambassador Chen] Well, Freedom of Speech

is now Freedom of Spee.

- [VP Mangle] What's spee?

- [Ambassador Chen] Nothing.

It's a made up word that people have the freedom to do

instead of speech.

It was easier to scratch out a couple of letters

than reprint the whole fucking thing.

- [VP Mangle] Now, that's clever.

- [Ambassador Chen] And we also support gay marriage.

And the right to kill anyone under the age of 26

at anytime for any reason.

- [VP Mangle] I love it!

That's gonna be so awesome.

The American way of life is finished.

- [Ambassador Chen] Oh, and check this out:

we plan to convert your Statue of Liberty

into the world's largest brothel.

50 floors of furburglar.

- [VP Mangle] Well, that's fine for incoming immigrants

but it'll cost extra.

- [Ambassador Chen] I was thinking around this much.

- [VP Mangle] That's low.

Come now, Ambassador.

I've got a kids in college.

- [Ambassador Chen] Okay, okay, don't suck me dry here.

- [VP Mangle] The hookers will do that, right?

- [Ambassador Chen] Did you clear up the issue

with your President Wolfman?

Because if he's still officially in office upon signing,

this document won't be worth the 18 pound

of solid gold brick and diamond encrusted plutonium tablets

it's printed on.

- [VP Mangle] Don't sweat, I've taken care of him.

I'm the President, now.

- [Ambassador Chen] Then why is he sitting

in that seat over there?

- [VP Mangle] Nonsense!

- [Ambassador Chen] And he appears to be changing

into that werewolf!

- [VP Mangle] That was only a story I planted

to connect the President to the string of murders.

There's no such thing as werewolves.

Deep shit.

- [Ambassador Chen] We have them in Gansu Province.

You must beware!

- [VP Mangle] You and your superstitions.

John Wolfman is weak, indecisive, and pathetic, always was.

The man can't lead himself

out of a plastic bag made in China!

- [President Wolfman] (in werewolf voice) That's it!

That is it!

- [VP Mangle] What the?

- [Ambassador Chen] Does that thing

look like a plastic bag to you, Mangle?

- [President Wolfman] (in werewolf voice) You better fasten

your seat belt, Ed.

- [VP Mangle] Oh, my God.

I know the standards for flight attendants has gone down,

but this is ridiculous.

- [Ambassador Chen] Who is this creature?

- [President Wolfman] I'm the boss, soy sauce.

- [Captain Jones] Base command?

We've got an emergency up here.

- [Air Force General] Attention all air force

and military personnel.

We've got a security breach code one

on the presidential helicopter.

The werewolf is on the aircraft.

I repeat, the werewolf is on the aircraft.

Your orders are to escort to safety

or take down if necessary.

This is for all personnel.

- [President Wolfman] (in werewolf voice) I've heard

you desecrate the founding principles

of the country long enough.

How dare you call yourself an American.

- [VP Mangle] Listen here, Wolfman.

I'm rescuing our economy from total collapse.

We're running a business here, not a malt shop,

and that is American.

I only want what's best for the people.

- [President Wolfman] The people?

You wouldn't know the people if one bit you on the ass!

- [VP Mangle] I'm warning you, Wolfman.

You no longer have authority here.

I was sworn in two hours ago.

- [President Wolfman] And I swore to defend

the United States Constitution or die trying!

- [VP Mangle] Stay back!

I've got your constitution right here, rolled up in my hand.

Now, fetch it!

Go fetch!

Atta boy, go on.

Good boy, come on back! (Wolfman barks)

Come on back, drop it.

Drop it, atta boy, come on back, come on back.

Good boy, good boy!

Drop it, drop it, paw, paw.

Good boy. (Wolfman growls)

Wait there, I said, wait there.

- [Air Force Pilot] Base command, we've made visual contact

with the target and are prepared to engage.

- [Captain Jones] Hang on, fellas, don't shoot.

I'm bringing her down.

- [Air Force General] Roger that.

We'll be ready.

- [VP Mangle] I'm prepared to offer you

an attractive severance package.

Your own island.

- [President Wolfman] I already have one.

It's called North America!

- [Ambassador Chen] I knew this was a stupid idea.

We should have invaded Puerto Rico.

- [President Wolfman] Shut up!

- [Captain Jones] Don't do it, John!

(growls)

- [VP Mangle] Somebody help me!

The President's gone mad!

(Wolfman howls)

- [VP Mangle] Get off!

Ow, get off!

- [President Wolfman] Nobody messes with the United States

and gets away with it.

Nobody messes with President Wolfman!

Hail to the teeth!

- [VP Mangle] Get off me!

- [Newscaster] And the President has been spotted

kicking the shit out of the vice president

at Andrews Air Force Base.

National Guard troops are in pursuit,

but he has so far managed to elude capture.

All residents of Washington DC are advised

to stay indoors, as the President is considered

to be a werewolf, and extremely dangerous.

(Wolfman howls)

- [Captain Jones] You all right, Mangle?

- [Agent Tackler] Back off, back off!

Give him some room.

- [Captain Jones] Hey, we better find Wolfman.

Tell him he's still President.

- [VP Mangle] I made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

You can thank President Wolfman for saving this country.

You poor dumb bastards.

(bright upbeat music)

- [Sandra] That you, John?

We missed you at the pageant tonight.

I'm sure you had some important official business.

I'll have to get used to that if I'm going to be

with the most powerful man in the world, right?

- [President Wolfman] I'm finally ready

to consummate our relationship, Sandra.

I can now love you as man, though I am no longer a man.

But this is the real me at last! (growls)

- [Sandra] John, no!

I thought you'd been cured.

- [President Wolfman] I have!

Can't you see?

I was weak before, afraid, now, I feel alive.

And the one thing I must have now, is you!

- [Sandra] You're scaring me.

- [President Wolfman] Come here, woman.

Come and let me show you how the President does it!

- [Sandra] I'll call the police.

I'll do it.

- [President Wolfman] I am the police.

I'm the army, the navy and the motherfucking marines.

I've got the strength of a hundred nuclear warheads

and I'm ready to explode!

- [Sandra] You're crazy with power!

(growls)

I love you, John.

I love you more than I've loved any man.

And that's why I must kill you.

God bless America.

(gun bangs)

(growls)

(laughs)

- [Agent Tackler] Mister President!

He's been shot!

Oh, no.

- [Captain Jones] Sandra, it's all right.

I can see why he liked you so much.

- [Agent Tackler] It's a shame.

He turned out to be a damned good President

and a fine werewolf.

- [Captain Jones] And it only took a monster to do it.

This time we were lucky.

We stopped him.

But what about next time?

- [Agent Tackler] That's it.

The national nightmare's over.

Somebody call the coroner, or a vet, or something!

- [Sandra] John, John, John!

John, John, John!

John, John, John!

- [Bobby] My father, John Wolfman, was a great man.

He was dedicated to liberty, justice, freedom

and had an undying passion for a big, beautiful count--

(paper rustles) trie, called the United States of America.

It took a horrible curse, but he faced down his opponents,

those who would seek to compromise the values

we know our nation to hold dear,

and from the manifestation emerged the man.

To me, he was also just Dad.

Another role that he grew into and firmly triumphed over

in the days before his untimely demise.

We lay him to rest, today.

As the American people mourn, I, his son,

vow with renewed vigor, to carry on the principles

for which my father strove to embody.

Those of compassion, to bring down enemies of the truth,

justice, and (howls)!

- [Agent Tackler] My God, not again!

- [Newscaster] With the President, the Vice President,

Speaker of the House, and many senior members

of the Senate dead at the hands of President Wolfman,

the question remains who is in line

to become the new leader of the country.

Well, after weeks of debate

among the nation's top officials,

a decision has finally been reached.

And here she is!

- [Announcer] Arizona Miss Junior!

(crowd cheers)

(dramatic upbeat music)

- [Miss Arizona] Washington is a beautiful city,

flowers just all around, (mumbles) view of the House,

I was impressed with the capital and the Washington monument

and the White House.

I enjoyed the (mumlbes) excitement in Washington.

I was (mumbles) scared to see what it was (mumbles) like,

and I didn't know what the girls will be like

and I didn't know how the people would be.

(mumbles)

I mean, there's just something about them

and the girls are all dressed in their suits

and (mumbles) hats.

And the one thing that impressed me out of the whole thing

would be enthusiasm of all the girls

and all the people that worked at the pageant,

and I think it was really great.

Been all sorts of pageants

that are held in the United States, but I think Junior Miss

recognizes the young girls who really represent the best.

(intense upbeat orchestral music)

- [Spokesperson] Hi, the film you have just seen

is a representation of what could happen

if our current President, John Wolfman,

is not re-elected for a second term in office.

Luckily, there is no such thing as werewolves in real life.

But China is real, and so are black people.

So, this November, vote to reelect the President

and keep a real Wolfman in the White House.

- [President Wolfman] I'm John Wolfman,

and I approve this message.

♪ President Wolfman ♪

(upbeat energetic music)