All language subtitles for ENG Hope.Gap.2019.BDRip.x264-YOL0W

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When I was a
child, we would go to this cove

under the cliffs
called Hope Gap.

When the tide was out, these
little rock pools appeared.

And in the pools were
tiny sea creatures.

My mother would sit
on the rocks and wait

for me while I explored.

I never asked myself
what she was thinking

or if she was happy.

You don't, do you?

A lonely impulse of
delight is it Gary.

How is that?

Oh, it's you, Grace.

It's a poem, WB Yeats.

Always with the
poetry, eh, Grace.

Nor law, nor duty bade
me fight, nor public men,

nor cheering crowds, a
lonely impulse of delight

drove to this tumult
in the clouds.

Oh, bollocks.

I balanced all,
brought all to mind.

The years to come seemed
a waste of breath.

A waste of breath, the
years behind in balance

with this life, this death.

Good day?

Uh, much the usual.

How was your day, Grace?

Was?

Oh, yeah.

I did our walk to Hope Gap.

I haven't done it for ages.

Remember how Jamie used
to love going there?

Yes, of course.

Sometimes I miss him so much.

Did you make me a cup of tea?

I thought you had one?

It's gone cold.

Why is it you only ever
drink half your tea I wonder.

I wonder that, too.

Ah, I suppose it's because
I don't like things to end.

You're a non-completer.

Oh, am I?

Are you a completer?

Up to a point.

Can one complete
anything up to a point?

I don't think so.

Well, I do wish
Jamie would come home.

It's been months.

He's got his own life.

Well, of course, he has,
but why doesn't it include us?

Are you Wiki-ing?

Yes.

You never complete that.

You can't complete Wikipedia.

Napoleon marched 450,000
men across the Neman.

Less than 20,000 came back.

The surprisingly large number
of the officers kept diaries.

Over 150 have survived.

Remarkable, really given the
conditions on the retreat.

As the men dropped
in the intense cold,

they were stripped of
clothing by their own comrades

and left naked in
the snow still alive.

It was a kind of
survival strategy.

In extremest, men can be cruel.

Is that wrong?

Do we blame them?

Would any of us have
behaved any better?

Robbie?

I wouldn't have stripped them.

You'd have left them to
die with their clothes on?

Yes.

Out of compassion or modesty?

It's really hard getting
people's clothes off.

So it is.

Well, it's been a while,
and I was thinking.

Oh, thank you, Jamie.

Are you sure you can manage?

I'll tell Grace.

She'll be so pleased.

Some time after
lunch on Saturday.

When men were wounded
or frostbitten

and men could no longer walk,
orders were given to carry

them on the baggage wagons.

This slowed the wagons
down, of course,

and reduced the chances
that the baggage train

would make it to Smolensk.

So the wagon drivers looked out
for especially rotted ground

and then drove fast over
it so that the wounded

would be jolted off the wagons
without anyone noticing.

Once left behind on the
road, they froze to death.

This was understood
to be an accident.

Nobody looked back.

Nobody looked back.

I have been here before.

What's that?

My anthology, that's
what I should call it.

The idea is whatever
you're going through,

someone's been through it
before you, put it into words.

It's the first line
of a poem by Rossetti.

What is?

I have been here before.

Jamie's coming for the weekend.

Jamie's coming?

Some time after
lunch on Saturday.

How do you know?

We spoke on the phone.

He rang you?

Why?

To say he was coming.

Why did he ring you?

I don't know.

He does sometimes.

Does he?

When was the last
time Jamie came home?

April was it?

He's got his own life to live.

Hi, it's Kelly.

I can't come to
the phone right now

but please leave me
a message and I'll

call you back as soon as I can.

Hi, Kelly.

It's Jamie.

I'm away over the weekend.

I'll be back by 6:00 on Sunday.

If you're around, it'd
be great to see you.

OK, bye.

Hello, stranger.

Hello, Mom.

Hello, stranger.

Hello, Mom.

Jamie.

Dad.

Jamie, Jamie.

Thanks for coming.

How was your journey?

Not bad.

I got the 3:46.

Running late.

Only just made the
connection at Lewis.

Can't trust the
trains these days.

I'll just... I'll
drop my stuff off.

Do you think he's happy?

I think he's happy
in that flat of his.

Do you?

All on his own?

Well, there's that, of course.

But he has it the
way he wants it.

No washing up to speak of.

You use a plate, wash it, and
there it is ready to use again.

You do not run out of
milk because you're

the only one drinking
it, so you know how much

there is left in the fridge.

Just little things, I
know, but they have value.

Well, you sound
as if you envy him.

No.

Well, I don't think it's good
for anyone, hiding in a hole,

having everything
always be the same.

Jamie, are you going to be long?

Not long.

Let's have candles to
celebrate Jamie coming home.

Yes, why not.

Next week, we'll have
been married 29 years.

Yes, I suppose we will.

Do you have something in mind?

What do you mean?

Well, where we
go out for dinner.

If that's what you'd want.

No, it isn't.

It isn't?

No.

All right,
then we won't go out.

Oh, for God's sake, Edward.

Did I say something wrong?

Well, I say will we go out
for dinner on our anniversary

and you say if that's what you
want and I say it isn't and you

say then we won't.

But I do want to go out for
dinner on our anniversary.

Why do you think I suggested it?

Then why say you don't?

Because I don't want to do
it because I want to do it.

I want to do it because
you want to do it.

So do you want to do it?

Yes.

So will you book somewhere?

Yeah.

Not that awful
place you chose last year.

Maybe you should make booking.

Do I have to do everything?

Will you be coming to mass
in the morning, Jamie?

Mom, you know I
don't do that anymore.

Why not?

Have you stopped
believing in God?

More or less.

Why?

Is it because of all the
suffering in the world?

That's a part of it, yes.

But don't you
see, that's exactly

why there has to be a God.

If this world was all there
is, how could we bear it?

Edward, explain why God
allows the suffering.

It's, um... it's about
free will, isn't it.

Jamie knows all this.

No, no, go on.

Explain.

I do know the arguments.

No, but if you understood
properly, you'd believe.

Look, as far as I
can see, the world's

a frightening place where
things happen that aren't fair,

and there isn't really
any meaning to any of it.

And in the end, we
all get wiped out.

We can't bear that,
so we invent God

and heaven to reassure ourselves
it'll all work out in the end.

I don't think that's
a bad thing to do.

I just happen to
think it's not true.

You're wrong.

Tell him, Edward.

Tell him what?

That God exists.

You can't tell
people a thing like.

God's not information.

God's a conviction.

It's like love.

You don't tell love.

You feel love.

That's right.

That's just how it is.

Coffee?

Yes, I'd like that.

I can't bear to think
you're unhappy, Jamie.

I'm not unhappy.

I'm fine.

No, all on your own?

I'm fine, Mom.

All right.

Fine isn't the same as happy.

Well, who's happy?

Fine's fine.

No, we're happy,
aren't we, Edward?

Yes, we're fine.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm

under big pressure at work.

I thought I'd give
it a couple of hours

before I call it a night.

Whatever you want, darling.

I don't think I'll make
mass tomorrow morning.

I've got all the
coursework papers to mark.

I'd rather get it
done while I'm fresh.

We are happy, aren't we?

Why Wouldn't We be?

Sometimes I think
we don't really talk.

What do you mean talk?

You know, talk
the way people do.

It's like magic, isn't it?

You see, we don't talk.

What?

I say things.

WhY don't you say things?

What do you want me to say?

Anything.

Whatever comes into your head.

Well, I've become fascinated
by the eyewitness accounts

of the retreat from Moscow.

Ugh, that's not talking.

That's Wiki-ing.

I mean talk, you and me.

Is this what you want?

No.

If this isn't what
you want, then what is?

I know I annoy you sometimes.

No, that's about how I feel.

I want to know how you feel.

Feel about what?

What would make you happier?

I suppose if you were happy.

No, no, talk about you.

I don't want anything special.

But you do want something?

There's something two people
can have that we haven't

got that you wish we had.

Yes.

What is it?

I don't know how to explain.

Well... think of a
word, any word, the first

word comes to your head.

Sunny.

Sunny?

It's only one word.
There's others.

All right give me
some other words.

- I don't want to do this.
- Why not?

I'll only make it worse.

How will it make things worse?

Because whatever
I say will be wrong.

Well, it can't be
wrong if it's true.

Or not enough.

What do you mean not enough?

I think you want
something I haven't got.

What?

I always somehow feel
that I'm in the wrong.

I don't care about
who's right or wrong.

I just want you to be there.
Here.

I am... I am here.

No, you're not.

I am here.

No, you're not.

It's like somehow you've sneaked
away when I wasn't looking.

I don't know how else to put it.

What are you doing?

I'm putting out
the breakfast things.

Put that down.

Look at me.

You say you don't tell love.

You feel love.

But how am I to know
if you never say it.

It's just assumed.

It's just there.

Even so, just to
help me, please say it.

I can't now.

It wouldn't mean anything.

Why not?

I'd only be saying it
because you asked me to say it.

I don't mind.

This is childish, Grace.

Say it!

Why are you doing this?

Why are you making
everything into a problem?

This isn't anything
to do with me.

This is your problem.

Don't ever say that to me again.

You're part of this.

You're involved whether
you like it or not.

Do something.

Say something.

If you hate me, say you hate me.

Say you want to leave me.

Say you want to kill me.

Tell me something real.

I'm tired.

I want to go to bed.

We'll talk about
it in the morning.

What happened?

I did it.

Were you going for him again?

He should fight back.

Is that what you want,
a fight?

I want a reaction.

I want a real marriage.

What is he so afraid of?

Why does he walk away from me?

Because you go for him.

Oh, I don't go for him.

But I did hit him just now.

Oh, Mom.

What else am I to do?

How else am I to
get through to him?

I feel like if I can only
give him a big enough shock,

he'll wake up.

Well, hitting him won't help.

What do you think I should do?

I think you should
be nicer to him.

Nicer?

You sound like Edward.

I think you should
stop going for him.

You said that already.

You don't listen, do you?

Yes, well, we've all
seen what a great success

you've made of your love life.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Actually you didn't know
anything about my love life.

Don't I?

Have you got a secret
wife somewhere?

Secret children?

You don't have to have a
family to have a love life.

You must admit there's
something odd about you living

alone in that flat at your age.

Lots of people live alone.

Edward envies you, you know.

Oh?

Yes, he'd love to
live in your flat

and do the same thing at
the same time Every day.

It's what I rescued him from.

Don't try rescuing me.

I do worry about you.

I worry about you.

Why?

Because Edward and I
have these little rows.

I'm just trying to keep
well out of the line of fire.

You know I love him,
don't you.

Doesn't mean anything if we
quarrel from time to time.

Oh, throw the
breakfast things around?

Well, I tipped the table up.

Had to do something.

I thought maybe you'd
thrown them at him?

No, wouldn't do
that, not cutlery.

I'm relieved to hear it.

I would have cleared it
up if you hadn't done it.

Well, it's was done now.

Thank you, darling.

Thank you.

I'll see you in
the morning then.

I think I may go to early mass.

You want me to wake you?

No.

No, let me sleep.

All right then, darling.

Good night.

Glory to God in the
highest and on earth, peace

is a peaceful of good will.

We praise you, we bless you,
we adore you, we glorify you.

We give you thanks
for your great glory.

Lord God, heavenly
King, oh God almighty

father, Lord Jesus Christ...

Only God himself, Lord God...

Lamb of God, son
of Father, you take

away the sins of the world.

Have mercy on us.

Have mercy on us.

When do you have to go?

After lunch?

Right away after lunch.

Three-ish.

I don't suppose you could
stay on a little longer?

I'd rather not really.

Why?

It's just that things
are coming to a head.

I thought it might be better
for Grace if you were here.

What do you mean
coming to a head.

Well, I suppose
you heard last night.

She's not that
all the time is she?

No.

Better that I'm here for what?

I'm going to leave.

I'm sorry.

I can't make Grace happy.

I've tried, but I'm
the wrong person.

Also, ridiculous as it may
sound, I've fallen in love.

What?

It's not what I expected either.

Jesus, Dad,
how did this happen?

Her name's Angela.

She's the mother
of a boy at school.

He's been having problems,
and I've been helping him.

Oh, God.

Sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.

Only what about Mom?

She'll be better off without me.

I don't give her what she wants.

I didn't realize until
I got to know Angela.

With Angela, it's easy.

The way I am seems to suit her.

With Grace, everything
I do is wrong.

I'm nervous and clumsy.

I annoy her.

Does she know anything?

Not about Angela, no.

So it'll come out of nowhere.

Well, hardly nowhere.

It's been getting
worse and worse.

Several times, she's
talked about separation.

She doesn't mean it.

Then why does she say it.

She feels there's something
not real about her marriage.

Well, you she could be right.

But I don't think
she wants to be right.

That's why I was hoping you
could stay on a bit longer.

Why didn't you change your mind?

I'm sorry.

It's all gone too far.

Oh, God.

She'll still have you.

Sorry.

I don't know that I can do this.

Well, I have to tell her soon.

What will you do, move out?

Yes.

When?

Well, the plan
was soon, very soon.

Well, you don't mean today.

Angela felt why drag it out.

No, you can't.

You have to break it
to her more gently.

How do I do that?

She'll be back from church
soon and I'm going to tell her

and then I'm going to leave.

You can be with her for a while
and still be away by 4:00.

I know the trains can
be very slow on Sunday.

This is why you
asked me to come down.

Have you packed a bag?

Just the basics.

So it's already happened.

How long will it take?

I don't want to be
here when you do it.

Give me half an hour.

Half an hour then.

Right.

Ha, Jamie not up?

He's gone out for a walk.

A walk by himself.

He never goes for
a walk by himself.

A cup of tea?

Toast?

Please.

You know how we say in the
mass, Lord have mercy on us.

I found myself counting.

We asked for mercy 17 times.

Nine times in the curia alone,
of course, three times in agnus

dei, and it kept popping
up everywhere else.

I think it may have a
sort of hypnotic effect,

all that asking for mercy.

After a while, it begins to
strike you maybe you need it.

I know I go for you sometimes.

I'll try to stop.

Really all I want
is reassurance.

All right.

Hmm?

Just to know that we're going
through this thing together.

It's not really working is it?

What did you say?

It's not really working.

Thank God.

You do see it.

What's happened to us?

I think what you said is true.

I've been walking away.

I've been avoiding things.

Thank God.

You're saying it at last.

I suppose I felt I can't
give you what you want,

so I felt like I'm not
very useful person really,

for you at least.

I seem to annoy you
and do things wrong.

That makes me feel, well,
not much good really.

So I try not to talk about
it, which only makes it worse.

Thank God.

You understand.

I've been praying for this.

I think the truth we're
different kinds of people.

It may just be that we don't
work very well together.

But we can.

If we understand each other
and are real with each other

and if you...

If we have the will to
make it work, it'll work.

I know it.

I'm not sure I have that will.

Well, you have to.

Marriages only work because
both people want them to work.

I'm not sure I want that.

You're not sure you
want our marriage to work?

Edward, listen to me.

This is terribly important.

You must will or
marriage, or it'll die.

There's no in between.

It's either alive, or it's dead.

What if it's dead?

Then we go our separate ways.

No one can live in
a dead marriage.

Maybe that's what we should
do, go our separate ways.

But it isn't dead.

Do you think it's dead?

Well, I don't.

It's not dead for me.

I'm your wife.

You're my husband.

You can say anything
you want to me,

anything in the whole world.

I want to leave.

Leave?

Yes.

Leave to go where?

There's someone else.

Someone else?

I'm sorry.

How can there be
some... someone else?

What someone else?

A parent at school.

You don't know...

What parent at school?

Her name's Angela Walker.

I didn't mean it to happen.

It was an accident,
but it's happened.

An accident?

How was it an accident?

I met her to talk
over her son's problems.

She told me about
the situation at home

and that the boy's father
left a year or so ago.

She became quite emotional.

And I said what I could, and
that's how we became close.

Became close?

Yes.

How close?

No.

I don't want to hear it.

When did this accident happen?

About a year ago.

A Year ago?

And you went on just the same?

I should've told you before.

But it's not an accident.

You're doing it.

You don't have to do it.

You can stop doing it.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

You're not free?

Don't you realize that?

This woman may have
lost her husband,

but that doesn't give her
the right to take mine.

Edward, this is ridiculous.

You must see that.

Or are you just doing
this to give me a fright,

make me behave better?

No.

Does Jamie know?

Some of it.

I told him at breakfast.

You told Jamie?

I know this is all a shock.

But I do truly believe you'll
come to see it's for the best.

For the best?

I'm no good for you,
Grace.

I didn't give you what you want.

You don't give me what I want
because you're not even trying.

You found a way to
sneak out of it.

Well, I won't let you.

I'm sorry.

I've made up... I've
made up my mind.

Well, you'll have to
unmake it, won't you?

This decision involves me.

You have to consult me.

Don't do this, Grace.

It'll only make it worse.

You can't just walk
away after 29 years.

You have to try.

I have tried for 29 years.

No.

Don't say that.

You don't mean that.

No.

No, I don't mean that.

But you know how it's been.

I... look, Edward,
we had Tunbridge.

We... when Jamie was little,
those years at Tunbridge,

they were good years.

You mustn't take it all.

You mustn't.

You'll kill me.

When Jamie was little,
they were good years.

Come here, darling.

Oh.

All right.

You win.

I'm sorry.

I won't go for you ever again.

Just don't leave.

You know it won't work.

Yes, it will.

We'll make it work.

Grace

I just want a chance
to put things right.

That's fair, isn't it?

You owe me that at least.

Sit down.

Finish your breakfast.

I have finished.

It's me.

I'm on my way.

He won't leave, will he?

He's just doing
this to frighten me.

I think... I think he'll leave.

Can you tell me
something else please?

I don't know what to say.

Say it won't happen.

Say there's something I can do.

Darling boy, tell me
what it is I'm to do

and I'll do it for you.

It's all right.

I'll be all right in a minute.

That forecast much of the
country, plenty of sunshine

around...

Lush patchworks of
green, mesmerizing shades

of blue, hills, dales,
rivers, and streams.

Our countryside is
rich in landscapes

just waiting to be explored.

Very unusual, Jamie.

That's rather precipitous.

Work up an amor for Jamie?

Cheers.

So how are things with Kelly?

Kylie.

Not good.

She's acting kind of elusive.

Elusive?

That's not good.

I don't know what it means.

It means she never shows up.

I mean it, Jamie,
you deserve better.

I Wish.

Can I give you a tip?

Sure.

OK, sometimes you can come
across as like unreachable,

like your clothes.

What's that about?

I'm tired.

This thing with my mom.

She's having a hard time and
I'm going home every weekend.

My clad walked out on
my mom, I'd kill him.

I hadn't thought of that.

Look, what I'm
saying about Kelly...

Kylie

Is... Kylie...

Maybe... maybe you just
went there for her enough.

When did you last see her?

Sunday.

How was she?

Not good.

Does she know you're meeting me?

No, but she wanted
me to see you.

She has a message for you.

Oh?

I am to say you owe it to
her to give her another chance.

You did this out of the blue
without consulting her or

warning her, and there it is.

I'm sure you know.

BS.

She wants you to go
back for a trial period,

and if it doesn't work out

I can't.

I've gone.

I'm not coming back.

I'll do anything I can to
help, but I'm not coming back.

I'm sorry.

Right.

Do you want a tea or a...

Or an ice cream?

Fine.

I might have a
Cornetto, something

about being by the sea.

One of them please.

That's two pounds.

Two pounds?

Really?

Thank you.

I hardly ever use
cash these days.

Why ever not?

It's all contactless now.

It's all contactless now, yes.

Well, there it is.

Thing is I really
don't know how Mom's

going to make it through this.

Both Angela and I think
the less contact I have,

the sooner she'll move on.

Yes, well, of course,
that doesn't mean I won't

do everything I can to help.

That's the part I
really don't understand.

You seem to care for
her so much and now not.

Yes, it's not easy to explain.

There was a time,
wasn't there?

Yes, yes, of course.

I always thought you
were rather proud of her.

She is remarkable in her way.

I suppose I was half dazzled
by her in the beginning.

She was quite dazzling.

You looked happy in
all the old photographs.

You were happy.

I suppose we were and then not.

You know what she
calls my Wiki-ing?

Yes.

If you make a mistake
in a Wikipedia article,

you can do what they
call reverse it.

You just click history, and
then you just click undo.

Dad.

By the way, I should have said
I've changed my phone number.

I had to.

Is she calling?

Every day.

Saying what?

Nothing.

She never spoke.

I recognize the sound
of her breathing.

You recognize.

I'll give you the
new number if you...

Just text me, Dad.

OK.

You won't...

No.

Fine.

I should be getting...

Going...

She'll be waiting for me so...

Well then keep in touch.

Mom?

How long have you
been sitting here?

I have no idea.

Just like Edward.

What?

Making tea so you
don't have to talk.

We get our tea,
and then we talk.

You've seen him.

Alone or with her?

Just him.

I never met her.

I'd have told you.

Did you give him my message?

Yes.

Says he can't come back.

Won't.

What's this?

What does it look like?

And in the knife drawer.

And on the phone message pad.

And... and in the
pocket of his coat.

What for?

I don't know I suppose
because while I was writing

them and hiding them
in all the places

where he might find
them, it made me

think it really could happen.

He really would come back.

And then when he found them,
he couldn't go away again.

So he told you he won't.

Yes.

What did you say to that?

Well, what could I say?

You could say you bastard, you

murderer, you home wrecker.

Well, I didn't.

Why not?

Do you think he's entitled
to do what he's doing?

That's not for me to judge.

Why not?

If you saw a man beating a
woman to death in the street,

would you walk on by, say
that's not for me to judge?

That's not how it is.

This is a murder, Jamie.

Just because there's no blood,
don't think it's not a murder.

He's murdering a marriage.

Marriages don't bleed,
but it's still murder.

I don't think it
helps to talk like that.

Tell me how to
talk so it does help.

Marriages break down.

It happens all the time.

Nobody wants it to
happen but it does,

and we have to live with it.

Oh, what sort of talk is that?

Children are starving
to death all the time,

but it doesn't
make it all right.

But we live with it.

Not if it was my child.

Not if it was you.

If it was you starving
to death, I'd let

myself die first to save you.

Do you doubt that?

No.

Well, this is my marriage,
and I'll do anything to save it.

And I'm asking you to help me.

It's what he does.

He won't look at me.

I'm not him, Mom, all right.

Well, you're walking
away just like he did.

He actually walked away.

Trot, trot, trot down the road.

Stupid suitcase.

Have you got a suitcase?

I'm here, aren't I?

But you want to walk away.

You do, don't you?

I can't.

Why not?

'Case something happens
to me, you feel guilty?

Nothing's going to happen to me.

That's what I can't bear.

When you're alone,
things stop happening.

That's because you stay in.

I wish you wouldn't.

I should go out more,
should I?

Join a book group.

It beats sitting on the stairs.

What was that about?

I was going up or coming down.

I don't remember.

I just thought what
difference does it make.

I might as well just stop here.

Where you can see the door?

Yeah, it's rather
clever of you, Jamie.

Is that why you don't go out?

Because you think maybe he'll
walk back through that door?

He might.

Mom.

Come on.

Let's get you out of here.

He told me he's decided
you can have the house.

Oh, has he.

I suppose he thinks that
makes everything all right.

Think he really wants
to do what he can.

So he told you I
could have the house.

Yes.

Well, he hasn't told me.

He wanted me to tell you.

I don't care what he wanted.

If he wants to make
arrangements that affect me,

he can come and
talk to me himself.

I won't have him using
you as a messenger boy.

Can't stand the way he does
all this without consulting me.

Why isn't it working?

He's changed his number.

He's changed his number.

He told me.

So he's got a new number.

Yes.

Have you got it?

No.

Don't be silly, Jamie.

Of course, you have.

I could always tell
when you were lying.

I can't give it to you.

Why not?

He asked me not
to give it to you.

Well, I ask you
to give it to me.

I'm not going to, all right.

I don't see why you always
have to get your own way.

Get my own way?

You think I get my own way?

I think it'd be a bad
idea to give you his number.

Well, that's not
for you to judge

as you're so fond of saying.

I'm grown up.

I'm not a criminal or a lunatic.

I wish to be able to
contact my husband.

No.

I think you'd better go.

Go on, leave.

It's what you want.

You can't help, so
why don't you just go?

You're no use to me.

You've taken his side.

You've left me already
just like he has.

Well, if I'm to be
alone, I'd rather

be alone and not have you
dangling about pitying me

and patronizing me.

Go on leave.

Why do you do this?

Do What?

I've not done anything.

I've not left him.

He's left me.

Go and tell him not to do this.

I can't bring him back.

You don't know that.

Have you tried?

You go on seeing him.

That means you let him
think he has your approval.

Mom, he's in love!

What you need is a sugar high.

There, life flooding back?

I should feed one
of these to my mom.

She still in a bad way?

It's bad what your dad did.

Oh, he... he wasn't happy.

I knew that.

They must have
loved each other once?

Yeah, way back.

We used... we used to do this
thing when I was little where

we'd stand in a line,
and I'd be in the middle

and then my mom would hold one
my dad would hold the other...

And they'd swing
me between them.

All moms and dads do it.

Their kids, they just swing...
Swing me along between them.

Sorry.

Jamie.

You know me.

If I cry, I'm crying for myself.

I just didn't care
enough about anyone else.

That's not true.

You got me at Krispy Kreme.

So what's up?

Is this about me?

I'm not the one who's crying.

I'm not the one who's been left.

Aren't you?

OK, OK.

Still seeing your
mom every weekend?

Until she can cope on her own.

When do you stop going?

Not so often anyway.

How is she going to feel then?

Not great.

How are you going to feel then?

Me?

Jess thinks you're
still holding on.

Am I?

It's some papers
I'm supposed to sign.

I don't know what.

Jamie, I'm not going to do it.

No... he can ask me himself.

He can come here, and
we'll sign together.

Yes, I'm coping.

Sunday then.

30 years ago, I was
standing on a platform

in Charing Cross Station waiting
to get on a train to Tunbridge.

And I saw a man walking down
the platform who I thought

was my father.

And I raised my arm
and called, father.

And with my arm
still in the air,

I remembered that my father
had died four months earlier.

The man, a complete
stranger, walked on by.

The train came in.

I got into a carriage, and
the train left Charing Cross.

The other person in the
carriage was a young woman.

She was looking at me as
if she was sorry for me.

I realized I had
tears on my cheeks.

What is it she said.

Oh, nothing I said.

I mistook a man for
my father who's dead.

And she said you must want
to see him again very much.

My father was a reserved man.

I don't remember him
ever embracing me.

Somehow when this young
woman said these words to me,

I knew that all my life
I'd wanted his embrace

and that now it
would never come.

I began to weep, continued
weeping I should say.

And the young woman
recited some lines

from a poem I'd never heard
and never forgotten since.

Stay for me there.

I will not fail to meet
thee in that hollow veil.

And think not much of my delay.

I am already on the way.

It's by Henri King on
the death of his wife.

How did that young woman in the
train know what I was feeling?

It was your mother.

Of course, it was Grace.

And I was on the wrong train.

It was the fast train.

It never stopped at my station.

We were halfway to Dover
before I realized it.

The truth is I made a
mistake about Grace right

at the beginning, and she
made a mistake about me.

We thought we were like
each other, and we weren't.

I didn't know it.

I did my best to be who
she wanted me to be,

but I didn't know
who I was myself.

All it took was Angela's
hand on my arm, her touch.

It was me she touched.

No demands, no
expectations, just love.

All those years ago,
I got on the wrong train.

I've always liked your flat.

Does it still suit you?

It does the job?

Why do people have to
have such big houses?

One needs so little really.

Mom says you want
her to sign something.

Yes.

It is better to have
things sorted out.

She wants to do it with you.

She says you'll sign the
papers if you do it together.

She wants to make a scene,
but I won't be drawn in, Jamie.

There's no point.

She says she'll behave herself.

If she wants
us to sign together,

it had better be the
solicitor's office.

But it's the last time.

Tell her if you can.

The last time.

Come on, puppy.

They shall grow not old
as we that are left gold.

I shall not wear them
nor the years come down.

After going down on the
sun and in the morning,

we will remember them.

We will remember them.

Oh, hello, Jamie.

You've come.

Hello.

Who are you?

Isn't he adorable.

He's so affectionate.

Oh, he does me more good
than all my tranquilizers.

What's his name?

Eddie.

Come here, Eddie.

Come here, boy.

Mother, you can't
call him Eddie.

Why not?

His name is Edward.

Just... well, it's
such a give away.

What does it give away?

Look, I'm training him.

Look.

Stay, Edward.

Stay.

Mom, it's so embarrassing.

Oh, good boy.

Why?

I'm not embarrassed.

Why should you be embarrassed?

Have you gone back
to your anthology?

Oh, no.

I'm not doing that anymore.

That's a pity.

Thought it sounded good.

No, you didn't.

You thought it gave
me something to do.

Well, we all need
something to do.

There's no disgrace in that.

So how are you?

How's your love life?

Private.

Uh, so you're still on your own.

Lunch is going to be very basic.

Wonder why.

Why you haven't found anyone.

You look perfectly normal.

This isn't about me.

Yes, it is.

If you're no good
at making people

love you, that's
my fault, isn't it?

Or Edward's fault for being
such a sneaking sniveling

excuse for a man.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

I wish he wouldn't do that.

Maybe I should take
some of this post to Dad.

It looks quite important.

If he wants them, he
can come and get them.

It was Remembrance
Day service today.

It was very moving, you know.

I found myself thinking about
the two wars and the wives

and the mothers waiting
at home and the telegrams

from the war office telling
them that their husbands

and sons were dead.

I thought how terrible
that must have been.

And yet it was somehow easier to
bear than losing Edward the way

I've lost him.

And then all at once I saw it.

This is our war.

This is what makes widows
and orphans nowadays.

Only there aren't any graves
or Remembrance Day services.

We're not allowed to mourn.

So you see I'm not
really coping after all.

Come on, Eddie.

Come on.

Let's go, Eddie.

Come on.

There it is.

Good boy.

Boy.

Let's go.

Come on.

Mrs. Axton, Mr.
Whitacomb's expecting you.

Has my father arrived?

Not yet.

I'll take you through.

We don't allow
dogs in the office.

I'm so sorry.

How sorry?

I'm sorry?

My goodness.

You are sorry.

Never mind.

It'll pass.

If you'd like to follow me.

Thank you for coming in.

Oh, I'm... I'm Peter Whitacomb.

I'm acting for your
husband in this matter.

Mr. Axton wishes everything
to be done properly.

Do take a seat.

You may be able to
do everything legally,

but I don't see how
you can do it properly.

Mom, you promised.

All right.

I'll behave myself.

I'm so sorry.

Am I late.

Oh, who's this?

Come, Edward.

What?

Not you.

Come.

Come here.

Come here, boy.

Good boy.

Sit.

Good boy.

Sit.

Good boy.

Hello, I'm here, too.

Hello, hello, hello.

How are you, Grace?

Fine, fine, fine.

Thank you for this, Peter.

Shall we proceed.

By all means.

This is the summary of
the financial agreement.

This is the deed signing over
the house into your sole name,

Mrs. Axton.

This is the application
for the decree.

All you have to do is
sign by the yellow tags.

Hah.

What happens if I don't?

Then this agreement is set
aside, and we start again.

But I have to see
in your interest

that this is a very
good settlement.

No court would
give half as much.

You get the entire value
of the family home.

Stop it.

Mom.

How can he sit there and say
that I get the entire value

of the family home when the
entire value of the family home

is precisely what's
being taken from me.

I knew this wouldn't work.

Yes, it will.

I'm being business like.

No more references to sneaking
two-faced marital treachery.

So this settlement you
and Edward come up with,

do I get more than
I'd get if he died?

If he died?

Yes.

Well, no.

As things stand, if
your husband died,

you'd get the house,
your joint savings,

and a full widow's pension.

And if we get a
divorce, I get less?

Yes.

So it would be better
for me if you were dead?

But I'm not.

It would be better in every way.

If I have to manage
without you, I'd...

I'd rather be a widow.

Awidow has so much more
status than a left woman.

I could put flowers
on your grave

and remember all the
good times we had

and look forward to seeing
you again in heaven.

Reunited as they put
on the gravestones.

Only as things stand,
there's no grave.

You've poisoned all my
memories, and when we meet again

in the next world,
they'll be bloody Angela

clogging the place out.

Angela was right.

I shouldn't have agreed to this.

Sit.

Fuck Angela.

Sorry, Mr. Whitacomb.

He makes me do these things.

It's the way he walks away.

It drives me mad.

Is there any point
going on with this?

Is there any point?

Yes, there's a point.

Look at Jamie.

He's our son.

He's part you and part me.

We made him.

We joined together,
and we made him.

Now you know as well
as I do that the church

says marriage is a bond.

It cannot be dissolved, and
that's why it makes people.

You can get lawyers to put
whatever you want on paper,

but you're still my
husband and Jamie's father.

And you will be until
the clay you die.

I know your view.

This isn't a view.

This is how it is.

Foryou.

No, not just for
me, for everybody.

You can't invent
a private reality.

Nor can you.

Mine isn't a private reality.

Well, then nor is mine.

Yes, it is.

Isn't it, Jamie?

Don't ask me to take sides.

Don't ask you to take sides

between reality and madness?

That's what it is, deciding when
you're married when you're not

whenever it happens to suit you.

It's madness and chaos.

If you're not going
to sign the papers,

I might as well leave.

I'm sorry about this, Peter.

Everybody keeps saying
they're sorry, but none of you

are sorry, not one bit.

Mom, you're making a mistake.

Am I, darling?

Tell me what I should do?

I think you should
sign the papers.

You still don't see it do you?

No one sees it.

Maybe I... maybe I do live
in my own private reality.

I don't care about any of this.

I don't care about money.

It's really very simple.

I... I love you, Edward,
whether I want to or not.

And I never thought in a million
years you'd stop loving me.

I just... now I feel

I don't know... hurt.

You understand?

I know you do.

Yes.

Yes.

I hate this.

I hate hurting you.

I'd give anything not to
have, but I can't help it.

I'm sorry.

It's happened now.

It's just... it's just
happened, and I'm sorry.

It's...

Grace is right.

There's nothing to sign.

I'm so sorry.

Your turn to say
you're sorry, too.

Actually, I
regret that we've

not been able to
reach a mutually

satisfactory agreement.

That's what I'm here for.

A mutually
satisfactory agreement?

Yes, where possible.

Who are you, Nelson Mandela?

Mom, time to go.

Yes, it's time to go.

That's what time it is.

Time to go.

Come on, Eddie.

Let's go.

Once left behind on
the road, they froze to death.

This was understood
to be an accident.

Nobody looked back.

By abandoning the weak,
the strong survived.

It may seem brutal,
but what's the point

of everyone ending up dead?

Mom.

Mom.

Hey.

Mom.

You all right?

Can we... please.

Let's do the old walk
down to Hope Gap.

I used to love coming here.

It's like my secret world.

Why you look at me like that?

Trying to think
how I can help you.

Oh, I'll be all right.

You'll be fine.

That's what we say.

Let's not say that anymore.

What's the point?

Let's not pretend.

Neither of us are
all right, are we?

Not really.

What is it?

There are one or two
things going wrong for me

in a minor sort of way.

Is it work or the other thing?

It's the other thing.

Oh.

What is it?

Why?

It's what you said.

Seems I'm not very good
at making people love me.

How could anyone not love you?

I think I'm a
bit un-forthcoming.

Like Edward.

Probably.

You must get over it, darling.

You must forth come.

Well, it doesn't
seem to be very easy.

But you do want to.

I want all the usual
things, and it doesn't happen.

There was someone,
but it doesn't

seem to have quite worked out.

It seems I'm the problem.

Like me?

Sorry.

I shouldn't be
talking about myself.

No, it makes a change.

Would you mind if I prayed for
you for things to work out?

No.

If it works, will you
start believing again?

If it doesn't, will you stop?

No.

I couldn't even if I
wanted to, which I do.

If I could only stop believing,
then I could get out, which

I longed to do night and day.

Please don't get out.

Well, I really just
want to fall asleep, Jamie.

No more waking.

It's the waking
that hurts so much.

That moment coming out
of a confusion of dreams

and you think maybe
it's not true.

Maybe he's lying
there after all.

You turn your head on the
pillow, there's no one there.

I know I should say
come and live with me...

No, it's all right.

I don't want to.

I think I'm just
a bit frightened.

Of my unhappiness?

Yeah.

It frightens me, too.

I wanted to do it, you know.

You won't?

Can't make any promises.

In that horror the solicitor's
office, that was my last shot.

If you did, would
you tell me first?

I don't know.

Do you want me to?

Well, I'm the one who'd
have to clear after you.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

Hadn't thought of that.

Now I want to say
something different.

I want you to know
that I do understand.

After all, suppose it was cancer
and you were in unbearable pain

and dying only
too slowly, what...

Then I'd say end
it now wouldn't I?

Out of my love for you.

So if your life hurts you so
much that you want to end it,

I won't stop you.

Out of my love you,
only just tell me.

Don't let it be a surprise.

Give me time to say goodbye.

You must've known some sad
dark times to say that to me.

I can't ask you to live for me.

But we each have to
carry our own burden.

You're like to explorer.

You're further down the road.

You've gone on ahead.

So if after a while you
don't go on anymore,

then I'll know that the road
is too hard and for too long.

I'll know that in the
end, the unhappiness wins.

But if you do go on and bear
it, terrible as it is, then

I'll know that
however bad it gets,

I can last it out because
you did before me.

My darling boy,
how you've grown up.

This is very grand.

I'm paying.

I'm not even sure I know
what any of this means.

What's brandade?

What's kimchi?

Have the lamb.

You don't think I should
be a bit more adventurous?

Two of the Welsh lamb please.

All right, Yep.

Thank you.

Thanks.

How is she?

She started volunteering for
something called Friendline.

It's for people who reached
the end of the line.

The end of the line, dear God.

She's doing all right.

You didn't have to worry.

Or feel guilty.

I didn't think any of us have
as much control over our lives

as we pretend.

Angela says Grace
and I weren't suited,

and I should have
left years ago.

Why didn't you?

It never really
seemed an option.

Do you think I should?

I think if you were
going to leave now,

you should have left earlier
if you see what I mean.

I didn't know.

If I had to blame you
for anything, it would be that.

For not leaving earlier?

For going on being nice and
making cups of tea and letting

her think that you were happy.

For not getting angry
when she went for you.

For not telling you
what you really wanted.

For not letting them know
what it felt like to be you.

Oh, Jamie, you don't
know how hard that is.

Don't I?

But I think she knew even so.

I don't.

Right up until the
day you left, she

thought you adored each other.

It's complicated, you know.

You can love somebody and want
to leave them at the same time.

When you say she adored
me, no, that wasn't me.

That was someone she invented,
the Edward she wanted.

And she never really forgave
me for not being him.

It made me feel like I
was always in the wrong...

In the wrong but innocent.

Now I feel what
I've done is right,

but I feel guilty because
I'm happy and she isn't.

That's my crime.

What's that?

That is the lamb's fry.

Lamb's fry what?

Yes, go on.

I'm still listening.

That's OK.

That's what we're here for, yes.

So not only did he
walk out on my birthday,

taking the bottle of
champagne I brought

to celebrate my
birthday, he also

left me for Jeffrey, who
was the first boyfriend

to walk out on me.

Typical men.

I mean, what was he thinking?

Men don't think or feel.

They have no feelings at all.

I'm still listening.

Friendline.

Yes.

No, I really do want to hear it.

Oh, the cliffs.

I've been into all that myself.

They look vertical,
but they're not.

They have bumps sticking out,
and you hit them as you fall.

Well, exactly, it
isn't fair, is it?

Do you know what's
even more unfair,

at least if you
believe what I believe?

Your life is so
unbearable you decide

to end it, the next thing
you know you've gone to hell.

Honestly.

My friend on the
phone lines is gay.

Turns out he's been
left just like me.

So we talk about what
it's like and how

men are all selfish pigs
and how is one to cope.

Oh, and I told
him all about you.

He said you're probably gay.

He did.

You're not, are you?

No, not as it happens.

You could be refusing
to admit your true nature.

Do you want me to be gay.

Oh, I just want you to be happy.

There's a good boy.

Let's show him your new trick.

Die, Edward, die.

Oh.

There, isn't he clever?

Wouldn't it be
something if I could

get the real Edward to do that?

What, make him die?

Well, roll about
on the ground a bit.

Oh, there's my beautiful boy.

Is this dog your
husband or your son?

Why?

Are you jealous?

No, this is an
improvement on the way

you were talking
a few weeks ago.

And how is I talking
a few weeks ago?

All that stuff
about getting out.

Oh, yes.

Yes, well, I've
moved on from that.

The thing about unhappiness
is after a while,

it stops being interesting.

Did I tell you I've gone
back to my anthology?

See I've been collecting
the poems under headings...

Feeling lonely, death of a
loved one, that sort of thing.

Only really good
poems, of course.

No greeting cards nonsense.

Marriage breakdown,
that's a big one.

And feeling you're a failure.

That's huge.

Can I?

What do you plan
to do with this?

It's a sort of
constellation system.

Something bad happens to you,
you look it up in my anthology.

Right, I...

I get that.

I mean, how are you going to
get people to know about it?

Well, it's going
to be a book I hope.

This should be a website, Mom.

It's perfect for the internet.

You could have a
search bar, and you

could type in feeling lonely.

And then it would give you
links to poems about loneliness.

How would it do that?

Well, that's easy.

That's what I do Every day.

The hard part is this,
is building the database.

No, it's not a database.

It's an anthology.

Can you expand it?

You want more?

Much more.

Oh.

I know more poems if that's
what you mean, hundreds more.

What are you going to call it?

I'm thinking of calling it
"I Have Been Here Before."

That's rather the
point, you see.

Others have been through
these things before us.

I don't know why that should
be comforting, but it is.

Because they survived?

Some did.

Some didn't.

It's the first line
of a poem by Rossetti.

Do you know it?

No.

Do you want
me to say it for you?

Yes, I'd like that.

I have been here before.

When or how, I cannot tell.

I know the grass
beyond the door,

the keen sweet smell,
the sighing sound,

the lights around the shore.

You have been mine before.

How long ago, I may not know.

Butjust when at
that swallow saw,

your neck turned so
some veil did fall.

I knew it all of yore.

Has this been thus before, and
shall not thus times eddying

flight still with our
lives, our loves restore

in death's despite
and day and night

yield one delight once more?

Edward.

It's so dull.

What are you doing here,
Grace?

Is this really how
you want to live?

This is at Angela's house.

Yes, Angela.

Where is she?

I don't want a row.

Grace, I won't stand for it.

No.

I don't want a row either.

I came to bring you these.

But maybe you don't
want them anymore.

So all along, you wanted
to live like this.

Why didn't you tell me?

You must feel all those
years with me were

another life, another planet.

We did have a marriage, didn't
we, on that other planet?

And now you're living
a different life.

You must be Angela.

Yes, that's right.

She just walked in.

Yes.

I don't think I really
believed you existed.

Please sit.

No.

Not staying.

What did you think
you were doing?

Grace

I mean,
what gave you the right.

That's enough.

It's all right, Edward.

I can speak for myself.

I think I thought there
was three unhappy people.

And now there's only one.

Yes, I see.

Grace, Grace, can't we...

Can't we be friends?

Friends, uh, no.

I don't think so.

It all went on too
long, didn't it?

I Wish...

You wish we'd never met?

No, of course, not.

I do.

I do.

I wish we'd never met.

I'd wish I'd never loved
you, but we did and I do

I did.

And now I have to
try and let you go.

Don't think too badly of me.

I try not to
think of you at all.

I'm getting quite good
at it during the day.

But at night, I dream about you.

Unfair, isn't it?

All right, so it's
called "I've Been Here Before."

You type into the search bar.

Anything... love, life,
death, anything you like.

It turns out someone
else thought it long ago.

You're not the only
one, so maybe you

can make it through after all.

That's what I want to hear.

How I can make it
through after all.

You want hope, we've got hope.

"Say Not the Struggle
Nought Availeth."

It's my mom's favorite.

Say not the
struggle nought availeth.

The labor and the
wounds are vain.

The enemy faints
not nor faileth.

And as things have
been, they remain.

For while, the tired
waves vainly breaking

seem here no painful
inch gain far back

through creeks and
inlets making come

silent flooding in the main.

And not by eastern windows
only when daylight comes

comes in the light.

In front, the sun
climbs slow, how slowly.

But westward look,
the land is bright.

I began
by thinking I could save you,

but in the end, all I
can do is honor you.

My mother, first among women,
my warmth and my comfort,

my safety, my pride, you're
the one I want to please.

You're the one I
want to applaud me.

My father, first among men, my
teacher and myjudge, the man.

I know I will become.

You grow older now.

You'll still ahead of me
as you'll always be forever

further down the road.

Forgive me for needing
you to be strong forever.

Forgive me for fearing
your unhappiness.

As you suffer, so
I shall suffer.

As you endure, so
I shall endure.

Hold my hands and
walk the old walk

one last time then let me go.

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