All language subtitles for Columbo (Mr. Peter Falk) (S11EP01) (1991) Death Hits the Jackpot 720p H.264 (moviesbyrizzo)

You weren't supposed
to keep a key.

Do you have
insurance coverage?

What if something happened
to your loved one?

That was one of the things
we agreed to, Freddy.

That I'm not supposed
to keep a key
to my own house?

This is not the house
you live in anymore.

(SIGHS) Let's just get
this over with, all right?

I don't have
a lot of time.

Freddy, what was so important
that it couldn't wait?

Nance, we got a lot
of things to discuss,
all right?

My lawyer says he sent
the final decree to you
over a month ago

and you haven't
signed it yet.
I'd like to know why.

Freddy, I have got a date,
and I'm not even half ready.

And, you know,
I regret that
I ever agreed to this.

What, the divorce?

No, not the divorce.

So, what's the big deal?
I mean, just come back
another time.

No! Nance, I'm here, okay?
(SIGHS)

We're gonna talk.

I thought you wanted
to get this over with.

I do. I just don't
understand why it has
to be now, this minute.

So, what time
is the date?

Do you mind
if I finish my hair
while we talk?

Go ahead.

Thank you!
You're welcome.

I haven't signed
because we agreed
(HAIR DRYER WHIRRING)

On something
that's not in the papers.

(INAUDIBLE)

Can you hear me?

Freddy,
can you hear me?

FREDDY: Loud and clear.

Well, why did
you renege?

We agreed that
you have to pay
your debt.

Mmm-hmm.

What?

You mean our debt.

No, I mean your debt.

You borrowed
that money, not me.

I mean,
you just had to have
all that equipment.

Wow.
Look, we have
discussed this, Freddy,

and then
you agreed, I think,

"Great! Well,
now it's final."

But then,
you change your mind.

I mean, how many times
do we have to go over
the same thing?

FREDDY: Huh.

NANCY: (SCOFFS)
It never fails.

Just when I'm ready
to go out,

something always
comes up.

Huh.
I hate being rushed
like this.

Hey, five bucks.

Did you say something?

You know, this isn't
just me talking, Freddy,
but my lawyer.

That debt was
acquired by you,

on your own,
as an individual.

FREDDY: Yeah, all me.

Geez.

Prior to our marriage.

Yeah, by about
six weeks.

NANCY: What?

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Freddy, I can't hear you
if you don't speak up.

Freddy?

Come on, 11.
Come on, 11.

(SIGHS)
Come on, 11.

Come on, baby, yeah.

Come on, come on,
come on.

Yes, come on, 11.
Come on, please.

Please, yes, come on.

Come on, give me 11.
Give me 11.

Come on, come on.

Eleven, eleven,
eleven, eleven.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(EXCLAIMS) Yes!

Freddy?
(CLEARS THROAT)

Lottery.
Mmm-hmm.

How'd you do?
Not bad.

(STUTTERING)
I picked three,
won five bucks.

Oh.
Do you... You play?
You buy a ticket?

No.
No.

You know, I...
I think your hair
looks nice that way.

Freddy, it's one thing
to split our assets 50-50,

but I don't think
I should be asked
to go 50-50 on your debt.

I mean, it was
never my obligation.
Is that so?

Well, that's just not
the way I see it, Nance.
That's obvious.

No. You know,
it's like this money
that I borrowed,

the debt that
we're talking about,

was so that I could set up
a photography business.

You know,
the same business
that we lived on

for three years
while we were married.

You know,
it's the same business

that I still
break my back
trying to run.

Oh, please.
It's the same business
that allows me

to pay you money
every month,

while we argue
over this silly divorce
that you wanted.

(STUTTERING) You know,
it's the same business
that bought this house,

and your robe,
and this furniture,

and probably even these
ridiculous-Iooking slippers.

Freddy!
No, no, Nance.
Here's the thing.

You know, if you
don't see it that way,
that's fine,

because I'm not gonna
fight you on this.

I'll spend
just as much money
on legal fees

trying to collect
from you

as if I just assumed
your half of the debt.

So it's over, okay?
Okay.

Divorce granted.
I'm gonna change
the papers.

Case closed.
Good night, good luck.

Have a nice date,
have a nice life.

Freddy?

(LAUGHING) Oh, God!

Yeah!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTING)

Here, hold it.

That's it, touch it,

feel it.

Feel the history.

From the year 1674,
from Mother Russia.

A gift to the czarina
at sweet 16,
from her father.

Oh.

A total of 18 karats
of emeralds.

The setting is platinum,
of course.

The artistry
is magnificent,
you can see that.

The craftsman
must have been
an inspired man.

Certainly
a God-gifted one.

Mrs. Weatherford,
Mr. Weatherford,

this is more
than a unique piece
of jewelry.

It takes my breath away,
Mr. Lamarr.

Your breath
and the education
of the grandchildren.

Our grandchildren
have parents, darling.

Thank the good Lord.

And all of them
gainfully employed,
the last time I looked.

It's a real
nice piece, Lamarr.

Let us think about it.

As you wish.

The education
of his grandchildren?

Doesn't that fathead
realize he'd be buying
an investment?

What does
he think this is,
a fish market?

Am I losin' my touch,
or is it just
this damn recession?

Mr. Lamarr,
the information from
your broker just came in.

Do you
want to see it?

Do I want to see it? Ha!
Yeah, I want to see it.

The broker's
secretary said
to make sure

to tell you that
he'll be in his office.

I'm dead broke.

I'm broke.

God.

Uncle Leon,
I got a problem.

Ah.

I got a big problem.

Uncle Leon,
you're the only person

I've ever been able
to turn to, to trust.

You know that.

You tell me
one of your problems,

I'll tell you
one of mine.

At the end of the day,
if anyone's left standing
they'll win a prize.

Okay. And I start?

Go.

I just won $30 million
in the lottery.

Yes, I can see how
that could be a problem
for you, Freddy.

No, Uncle Leon,
I'm serious.

I'm sure.
Uncle Leon, look at me.

I'm serious.
As God as my witness,

I just won
Wednesday night's lottery.

The jackpot
was $30 million.

No one else
has the winning numbers.
The whole thing is mine.

Every penny,
every cent, mine.

I got proof.

Well...

(LAUGHS) Well?

Thirty million.

30,435,885
to be exact.

Doggone,
this is amazing.

I find it hard to grasp.

You're telling me.

$30 million, all goin'
to my little nephew,
Freddy Brower.

My favorite nephew.

I know that
for a fact,
Uncle Leon.

No arguments there.

(LAUGHING) Well,
Freddy, my boy.

For once in my life
I find myself
at a loss for words.

You don't have
to say anything,
Uncle Leon.

I know how you feel.

You said you had
a little problem here.

You were kiddin' me,
weren't you?

No, sir.

I got a little
$15 million problem.

You've lost me now.

Nancy.

Nancy? What's she
got to do with it?
I thought...

We're not divorced yet.
What?

What I didn't say is,
that if I go down there

to collect
the $30 million,

the next thing you know,
half of it's gonna wind up

in Nancy's
personal bank account.

Oh.

Would you agree
I have a little problem?

Let's take a walk, Freddy.

I'll think better
in the fresh air.

Tell me, Freddy,
who else have you told
about your windfall?

Nobody.

Nobody at all?
Nobody.

Look, Uncle Leon,
I've been walkin'
around in a daze

ever since
Wednesday night.

I don't know if I've eaten,
I don't know if I've slept,

but one thing
I know for sure

is I haven't told
anybody anything.

That's very good.
Good, Freddy, very good.

Why? What are you
thinking about?

A switch.

A switch?

Substitution.

What do you mean?

It's not exactly legal,
I'm afraid.

We'd both be running
a little risk.

But I think it's the only
possible solution.

Let's hear it.

I cash in the ticket.

You?

Just as if I'd bought it.

I get the 30 million.

And then?

And then...

(LAUGHS) I give
the money to you.

We can do that?

I mean,
that would work?

Why not?

I don't know.

Yeah, I...
I guess it would.
Wouldn't it?

It's not really
that complicated, Freddy.

You give me the ticket,
I cash it in,

and the lottery people
give me the money
and I give it to you.

And Nancy never
has to know.

Bingo.

All right.

This is good.
I like it.

Wouldn't you rather have
all the money now,

while you're still young
and you can get all
the pleasure out of it?

Yes.

Or would you rather
have it dribbled out
to you over 20 years?

No, I would
like it right now,
when I can enjoy it.

I'd like it right now,
right here in my hand.

Well, that's your
prerogative, Freddy.

It's your money.
You can do whatever
you please with it.

As a matter of fact,

I know some people
who might be interested
in a transaction like this.

Of course it could
take a little time.

I probably could
broker the deal myself.

You know,
get a few dollars
for my trouble.

I'll take care of you,
Uncle Leon.

10% off the top.

That's very generous
of you, Freddy, but I...

But nothing.

Now, I don't want
to hear any more
about that, okay?

As you wish.
Many thanks.

Forget it.
Okay.

You really think
this will work?

I do.

You sure?
I am.

Okay.

I think, though,
that maybe we should
have something in writing.

I mean, kind of
an informal agreement
about what we're doing.

In case...

Old Uncle Leon ups
and drops dead,

clutchin' the winning ticket
in his rigor mortis hands?

Uncle Leon, I...

Of course I'm gonna
give you a letter, Freddy.

What do you think?

I wouldn't do this
unless you have
a written agreement.

(CHUCKLES)
Now then,

I gotta know
all the details

in case they ask me
some questions,

how could I answer?

Like, "Where'd
you buy the ticket?

"What day?
What time?"

(CORK POPS)

(SINGING)
I'm in the money

(HUMMING TUNE)

(WHISTLES)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

I'm in the money

(EXHALES)

BLITZ: (ON TV)
... great show
for you tonight,

and I can't wait to
meet my special guest,

the only holder
of the $30 million
lottery ticket.

The only one!

Do you realize
what that means?

He doesn't have to
share the money
with anybody

except
maybe his wife.

Unless he wants to sleep
in the bathtub tonight.

(LAUGHS) Wow!

Okay, it's time
for a few requests.

Impersonations of famous
Hollywood celebrities.

Come on, anybody,
anyone, huh?
WOMAN: Freddy? Freddy?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(MUTING)

Freddy? Freddy?

Freddy, did you know
your uncle's
on television?

Oh, that's the show.

Oh, yeah. I was...
I was sort of watchin'.

Freddy,
is that champagne
you're drinking?

(STUTTERS)
Don't get up.

I know where
you keep the glasses.

Trish, the door.

Freddy! Freddy!

Your uncle,
he's on the tube!
Oh, God.

TRISH: Champagne!

Oh, great! (LAUGHING)

Hey, everybody,
there's a party
in Freddy's place!

Come on, come on.
Oh, man.

Freddy's uncle
just win $30 million.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

OTTO: Hey, Freddy,
introduce me
to your uncle, okay?

What would he want
to meet you for?

Freddy, Freddy,
congratulations!
Way to go!

I'll get some glasses.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

McGinty,
could you control
your creature?

(CHATTERING)

Oh, relax, Freddy.

He's cute.

Those are
my photographs.

What's the matter, Freddy?
Let him hang out.

He's havin' a good time,
he's not bothering anybody.

Right, Georgey?
Yeah, sure.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(LAUGHS)

What did she say?

Mama thinks
you got a nose
like an artichoke.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I love an old lady
who speaks her mind.

I'd love
some champagne.

Freddy, do we have
a problem here?

I think I might
have one more bottle.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, the MC
just finished
his monologue.

He's applauding
himself.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Hurry, Freddy!

McGINTY: Your uncle's
already loaded, isn't he?

Ha! The rich get richer.

OTTO: Yeah,
you should've won
the lottery, Freddy.

You could use it.

Well, that's life.

SHARI: Yeah,
being broke.

GEORGEY: Can you imagine
to win $30 million?

LEDA: Mmm!
I can imagine spending it.

SHARI: Great.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

WANDA: What's your
uncle like, Freddy?

My uncle is a great guy.

OTTO: Yeah,
well, let's hope
he's a great guy.

SHARI: Bring him over.
Bring him over.

OTTO: Let's see
how great a guy he is.

LEDA: Absolutely,
bring him on down.

SHARI: Love you,
Lamarr!

Freddy, aren't you
just a wee bit envious
of your uncle?

I have my art.

What would I do
with all that money?

BLITZ: (ON TV)
Ladies and gentlemen,

here is the moment
we have all
been waiting for.

(ALL CHEERING)

I don't know
about you, folks,

but that's
the biggest check
I've ever seen.

OTTO: Thirty mil
and change.

BLITZ:
And it all belongs
to Leon Lamarr!

Leon! Whoo!
Oh, okay, quiet, everybody.

Here he comes,
there he is.

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo! All right!

McGINTY:
A lot to smile about.

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

To Leon,
the greatest uncle
a guy ever had.

ALL: To Leon! Yay!

Leon!

Way to go, Unc.

Your daughter wants
to know if she can
buy the sports car

she pointed out
to you yesterday,

when you were driving
to the restaurant.

The red one?

Mmm, she didn't
mention the color.

Well, you tell her
if it's the red one,
it's all right.

Okay.

The Society
for Homeless Pets
would like to honor you.

Pass.

A group called
Geese for Lithuania
wants...

Geese?

Maybe they meant "Peace."

Pass.

Freddy Brower called.

What'd he want?

Well, he swore
it wasn't money.

Well, bless his heart,
it'd be
the first one today.

He said he had something
to talk to you about.

Not an investment
opportunity,

not a charity
he's connected with

and could you meet with him
sometime this afternoon?

Well, tell him
this afternoon's
impossible.

I'll call him
on the way home.

All right.
The Reverend
Hue San Kim...

Pass.

(TIMER TICKING)

(TIMER RINGS)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?
LAMARR: Freddy!

Hey, Unc.
How you doing?

Just fine, Freddy,
just fine.

How are you?

Well, to tell
you the truth,

I'm goin'
a little crazy
these days.

How so, boy?
What, are you kidding?

I'm waiting
to get my hands

on the better part
of $30 million,

and in the meantime
I gotta borrow money
to pay the rent.

You think that's easy?

(STUTTERING) So,
what's the good word?

What's our timeframe
look like?

Well, probably a couple
of more weeks, Freddy.

Two more weeks?

Well, you didn't think
they were
gonna let me cash in

that great big
cardboard check
you saw on TV, did you?

Seriously, Freddy,

if you hadn't
wanted me to make
the cash-now deal...

I know, I know.
I know, but...

I made the contact.
The deal is in the works.

Now, listen to me,
old son.

You're gonna have
to dig down and find
a little more patience.

In two more weeks,
Freddy,

you're gonna be
a millionaire, boy.
Many times over.

You just think
about that.

I am, Uncle Leon, I am.

You better believe
I think about that

every minute of
every hour of every day.

Oh, Lord,
have I been busy today!

Oh, you have
no idea, Leon.

None.

Community meetings,
charity benefits,

political fund-raising.

Oh! It isn't as though
I wasn't active

before we won
the $30 million.

And, darling, don't you
find it surprising

that we have
suddenly gained

a very large number
of new and wonderfully
close friends?

Remarkably surprising.

But I've got an idea
on that regard.

I am all ears.

Not all, sweetie.

(CHUCKLING) Naughty.

How about a party?

(GASPS) Wonderful.
I love parties.

To celebrate
our new-found wealth

and our delightful
new friends.

Perfect.
When shall we do it?

What about
Halloween, huh?

Costume party?
What do you think?

Oh, a stunning idea!

Oh, we shall
have such fun.

Should we have a theme?

How about "Come dressed as
your favorite millionaire

"other than yourself?"
(GASPS)

Wonderful! Brilliant!
I love it!

Oh! Halloween!

Oh, my dear,
that's only two weeks
from now.

I have really got to
get myself going.

Let's see,
the invitation list,

the parking,
the caterers...

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GASPS) Oh, sir,

I am positively overwhelmed
with your presence.

Enjoy your bath, baby.
You got plenty of time.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, very impressive.

(THANKING IN FRENCH)

Thank you.
DRESSER: Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, my!

Beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

All right.

Oh! Honey! Sugar!
Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

That is splendid.

BOY: Come on,
hurry up, Wendy.

Okay, I'm coming!

(CHATTERING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Long time, no see,
Uncle Leon.

Well, how you doing, boy?

Am I disturbing you?
Anybody here?

No. Come on in.

Hey, you look
beautiful, man.

What are you,
a doorman?

Oh, hell,
I'm King George.

(LAUGHS)

So, where's the money?

(LAUGHS) I thought
a toast would be
in order, Your Lordship.

Ain't that the truth.

Hey, who is this?
(CHATTERING)

Oh, that's Joe.

How you doin', Joe?

I'm chimp-sitting
for a friend
who's on vacation.

So, where's the money?

It's downstairs,
locked in the trunk
of my car.

You're kidding.

My German Shepherd's
in the back seat.

Ah, okay.
That's good.

Do you know how long
it took me to count
that money, boy?

(LAUGHING)
I bet it wasn't fast.

Well, now,
if you don't mind, son,

I'd like to have that
letter of agreement back.

The what?

That letter
we both signed.

You know,
your insurance policy,

telling what
we were gonna do with
your lottery ticket.

Oh, that.
Yes, that.

That's under
the mattress.

Well, that's
a good choice.

Now, Your Highness,
would you like me
to open this bottle for you?

You bet.
I'll get the glasses.

(EXCLAIMS)

(CHATTERING)

(SCREECHING)

(JOE CHATTERING)

(SCREECHING)

(COUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CHATTERING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(CHATTERING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Ah, you're the most
beautiful queen
of my heart.

Come here.

This is my wife.
Welcome.

Hello.

It is my pleasure.
(CHUCKLES)

LAMARR:
Oh, sweetie, thank you.
I'm glad you could come.

Your Excellency,
I'm honored.

Good evening.
Good evening.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, just one minute.

Mr. Lamarr,
it's your nephew, sir.

Oh, Leon,
hurry back.

Perle Mesta,
I do believe.

Yes, Freddy?
Is anything the matter?

Well, that's fine.
10:00 is fine.

Sure. We'll barely
be getting started then.

You bet.

Well, hurry up, now.

I love you, Leon.
I love you so much.

MAN: Hi, Leon.
Hi.

It's Freddy.
He's gonna be late, honey.

COLUMBO: Sure, I mean,
that's a frightening thing.

But you're
gonna be okay.

You're gonna be
just fine.

Just take it easy
and relax.

That's right,
that's good.

You have
such a wonderful,
natural way

with wild animals,
Lieutenant.

A very unusual
and attractive quality
in a man.

Well, I wouldn't
call this guy
exactly a wild animal.

Well, I meant
not a purely
domesticated creature,

like a dog or a cat.

I like animals.

As do I, Lieutenant.
We have that in common.

Which is why,
when I heard

poor little Joey here
crying so pathetically,

I just had to try
to do something.

You would have done
as much, I'm sure.

Oh, I hope so, ma'am.

So, that's when
you came down
and knocked?

Mmm-hmm.

But the only response
I got was from
little Joey here.

And that's when
you called the police,
is that right, ma'am?

Trish.

Yes, I think it was
just about 8:30.

Well, thank you,
ma'am.

Trish.

I live just downstairs,
Lieutenant.

I'm a poet.

A poet?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh!
And a potter.

Ah-ha! And a potter.

Well, I'm gonna have
to check something out
with the boys, so...

Oh, certainly.

Do you think
that you could...

Oh! Here.
Of course.

Look!
He took my badge!

Joey!

He lifted that badge,
and I never felt it.

You could be
a real menace
in the street, baby.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, if I can be
of any further help,
Lieutenant.

Thank you
very much, ma'am.

Trish.

Trish.

He drowned in the tub?
Yeah.

Takin' a bath.
Slipped.

Hit his head.

Yeah,
happens all the time.

Taking a bath. Okay.

Well, there's the soap.

What's this?

Bath oil, yeah.
Okay.

Wash cloth.
All right, good.

No... back brush?

No.
Mmm-hmm.

You guys use
a back brush?

No, no.
No.

You don't know
what you're missin'.

Well, there's his pants
and his shoes.

No socks?

Hamper.

Oh, yeah, socks.
Well, good, okay.

Bath oil.
Right.

We're thinking
that's how
he might've bought it.

Wouldn't have been
the first one, either.

Mmm-hmm, right.

Bath oil clings
to the porcelain,

victim climbs in...
Or out.

Foot slips out
from under him
and wham!

Down and out.

Well, look at this.

You got somethin' there,
Lieutenant?

Skin conditioner.
Best used
after the bath.

You may be right,
but not according
to this guy.

You know,
the wash cloth
was bone-dry.

Yeah, well,
we figure he slipped

as he was reaching
for the cloth,

dropped it
as he fell backwards.

Uh-huh.
Well, it could be.

But then he would
be gettin' in.

Whoa, look at that watch.

BRAVERMAN: Yeah.

COLUMBO: 8:04.

LANCER: Medical Examiner
will probably be able

to confirm the time of death
just around there, I'd guess.

Uh-huh.

Just want to check.

Well, what do you know
about that.

Okay, bag that
and get it down
to the lab immediately.

No problem,
Lieutenant.

(LAUGHS)

Aw.

Lieutenant, turns out
this guy is in
the middle of a divorce.

Is that so?

Wife's name is
Nancy Ellen Brower.

Her address
and phone number.

His lawyer,
her lawyer,

interlocutory,
last year's tax return.

Doesn't look like
it was too nasty,

but then again,
you can't believe
lawyers' letters.

No, no, you can't.
Yeah.

Oh, and the phone
company called

with your information
that you wanted.

Brower's last call
was made at 8:01 tonight.

8:01?

Well, that's just
three minutes before he...

Yeah.
Makes you think,
doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Yeah, here one minute
and gone the next.

Call went to a guy,
the name of Leon Lamarr.

Beverly Hills.

Call was under a minute.

Here's his address
and his phone number.

(CAR BACKFIRING)

(GASPS)
Look, Cleopatra!

Oh, yes!
Wonderful!

Oh!
And Colonel Sanders!

(CHUCKLING)
John!

Is that the chicken?

I haven't
the foggiest idea.

Who am I?
I forget.

Oh, now,
that's imaginative.

Oh, that's
particularly good.

Bravo, sir, bravo!

Who's he
supposed to be?

An eccentric
millionaire, silly.

It was a perfect condo
with a beautiful view,

and Saint Peter said
to this old couple,

"It's yours for eternity,
rent-free."

Well, the wife was
deliriously happy,

but her husband groaned
and made a terrible face.

She said to him,

"Elmo, sweetie,
don't you like Heaven?"

"Like it?", he said,
"Hell, I love it.

"If it hadn't been for you
and that damn oat bran,

"we could have been here
ten years ago."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cute!
It's the only
clean one I know.

Oh, look at that
unusual costume, Leon.

That's Mr. Lamarr in
the King George costume.

Isn't he clever?

He's certainly unique.

Excuse me, sir,

I understand
that you're the host
of this party.

Leon Lamarr.

I don't believe
I know you, sir.

No, sir,
no, you don't.

No, I'm...
I'm with the police, sir.

(LAUGHING) That's not
for real, is it?

It certainly looks real.

Oh, it's for real, sir.
Yeah, yeah,
that's me right there.

Lieutenant Columbo.
I'm with the LAPD.

Have we been getting
too rowdy here?

(LAUGHS) Oh. No.
No, no, no, sir, no.

No, I wonder,
could we find a place
a little bit more private?

Sure.

So, what's
on your mind?

Not serious,
is it, Lieutenant?

Sir, did you receive
a telephone call
this evening

from a man named
Fred Brower?

Freddy? My nephew.

Your nephew, sir?

Yeah. Why?

Well, something happen?

What time was that call?
Around 8:00?

Yeah, about that.

And what was the purpose
of the call?

Well, he called to ask
whether he could be late
to the party.

I said,
"Fine. Hurry up."

Oh, he was
coming here, sir?
Tonight?

Yes, he was invited.

What is this?

Was there an accident?

It would appear
that way, sir, yes.

What do you mean "appear"?
Tell me what happened.

Well, I'm afraid
it's very bad news, sir.

What?

Your nephew is dead.
I'm very sorry.

Oh, my God.

No. I...

No, I just spoke
to him...

Well, how did it happen?

Was it a car accident?

Had he been drinkin'?
Was that it?

No, sir, no.

It was an accident
in his home,
in the studio.

Apparently he was
taking a bath,

and he slipped
and he fell
and hit his head.

He drowned, sir.

Oh, dear God.

I can't believe this.

Freddy was
my favorite nephew.

He was more than that,
he was

like a son to us.

Freddy, dead.

How am I gonna
tell Martha?

I just...

Freddy...

He was my brother
Lawrence's son.

His only child.

Lawrence
and his wife, Betty,
that's Freddy's mama,

killed in a plane crash
when he was just a kid.

He was 13 or 14.

Poor little tyke.

He just fell apart.

Martha and I tried
to step in.

We... We tried.

God, what a tragedy.

Does Nancy know?

Would that be
his wife, sir?

Ex-wife.

No, sir, no.
She doesn't know yet.

Maybe I should tell her.

I think it probably
would be better
for us to do that, sir.

Yeah, you're right.
Right.

She probably won't
even shed a tear.

It was
a terrible marriage.

God knows
whose fault it was.

Oh, Freddy.

Poor, innocent,
irresponsible,

wonderful Freddy.

(SOBBING)

Well, I'm very sorry, sir,

to have had
to bring you this
very sad news.

Thank you.

I can find my way out.

(EXHALING)

Lieutenant Columbo?

Oh, Mrs. Brower?

Yes.

You've come
about Freddy,
haven't you?

Yes, ma'am.

I heard
late last night.

Evidently one of
the tenants
in the building

contacted a mutual
friend of ours

who was vacationing
in Canc�n.

Meyer McGinty.

Oh, and he's the gentleman
that owns the chimp.

Yes.

And Meyer called me.

I see.

Ma'am, can you tell me

what do you get
for a nightgown
like this here?

$425.

$425.

Well, I don't think that
she'll be able to sleep

in anything
that expensive.

She?
My wife.

Oh.

We're gonna celebrate
our 25th anniversary.

It's comin' up.
Congratulations.

Oh, thank you,
very much.

And I was thinkin'
along the lines of,
well, lingerie...

Mmm-hmm.
You know,

something that she wouldn't
ordinarily buy for herself.

I know exactly
what you mean.

So, it's 425?

Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, all right, well,
I'll think about that.

This here is
on the outside?

Mmm-hmm.

It's a...
It's a robe.

A robe?

Well, it's actually
more of a peignoir.

Peignoir. Uh-huh.

And...
Oh, and this is
the pajamas here?

That's right.
Uh-huh.

425.

And that's
for everything?

Complete.
Uh-huh.

Okay. Well,
I'll think about that.

And I'm sorry
I got sidetracked here

because I know
this is a bad time
for you, ma'am,

and I'm sensitive
to that, and...

Lieutenant, I...
I think that
you should know,

Freddy and I
had been on the skids
for quite a long time,

and were never exactly
Romeo and Juliet
to begin with.

So, I can't honestly say
I feel a great loss.

Does that make me
sound dreadfully cold?

I'm sorry if it does,
because I'm not really,
a cold person.

When's the last time
you saw your husband, ma'am?

Oh, let me think.

About a month ago,
I believe.

He came over to argue
some legal point
in our divorce papers

and then left.

I can't even remember
if we accomplished anything.

And that was
the last time

that you saw him
or spoke to him?

Yes.

Do you know
what I'm thinking,
Lieutenant?

What is that, ma'am?

If I'm not mistaken,
25th anniversaries
are sterling.

Sterling?

Oh, that's silver.

Yes.

Oh, I never
checked on that.

Well, I'm almost positive.
Silver.

Well, maybe I should
change my plans.

Throw the lingerie out.

Well, you could
always do both.

Silver and silk
go rather nicely
together,

don't you think?
Oh, both.

425 plus...

Two hundred
for the bracelet.

Yeah.

Plus tax.

Uh-huh.

SECURITY GUARD:
All right, folks,
keep moving.

Don't block
the sidewalk.

Thank you.
Keep moving.

Bucks For Ducks,
donate a buck.

Save a duck,
save the environment...

Keep it clear.
Let's go.

Hey, what's
goin' on here?

Move along, please.
Let's keep this
pavement clear here.

He's okay.
He's with us.

Yeah, what's
goin' on here?

All right, keep moving,
come on.

It's about a little ticket
worth $30 million.

I'll be
a son of a gun!

That's why he seemed
so familiar!

I kept askin' myself,
where have
I seen him before?

Lamarr!
Yes, Leon Lamarr.

I saw the guy
get the check on TV.

Well, it had to
be the costume,

'cause
I'm talkin' to him

and I don't know
he won the $30 million.

I don't
recognize him.

Thirty million bucks!
(GROANING)

I gotta tell my wife
about this.

Mr. Lamarr!

Oh, give me
that hand.

Oh, Lieutenant.

I want to shake
the hand that picked
the $30 million ticket.

Oh!
Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

Well, how does
it feel?

Great, just great.

Oh, I'll bet it does.

Where were you, you know,
when you heard the news?

I was at home.

Oh, you were watchin'
on the TV?

Well, TV, it was on,
but fact is,
I wasn't watchin' It.

No.

No. No.
Really?

I was goin' over
my bank statement.

I wasn't payin' any attention.
Uh-huh.

I looked up
when they called
the number

and I said,
"Golly, what it...
The number I..."

So you didn't see
any of those balls

that come out with
the numbers on it?

No, I never saw
any of them balls.

You didn't see that?

But they called the number
and I looked at my ticket,

and when
they said it again,
sure enough.

It was you.
It was me.

So what did you do?
What did you say?

Well, I just sat there.
I was stunned.

I mean...
Uh-huh.

Then I started yellin'.

Yeah, so what did you say?

Well, I...
"Honey! Honey!"
That's my wife.

"I just...
I won! I won!"

Yeah.

I just
ran out of the den.
I was yellin'.

Uh-huh.
But she wasn't there.

No!

No, my son was there.

Oh, my goodness.
I said, "Hell, God, my..."

And we kissed each other,
hugged, cried a little bit.

I said, "Sonny boy,
your daddy is the luckiest
man in the world."

Well, I can second that,
believe me.

That's a hell of
a story, believe me.

Listen, the reason
I came here
to see you was,

I wanted to ask you
about a watch.

All right.
Any particular watch?

Your nephew's
watch, sir.

Freddy's.

Yes, it was a LeSur.
That's a good choice.
Right here.

Oh, yeah.
There it is. Yeah.

That's it.
Exact one.

No, that looks like
the exact same watch.

It is. That's
the LeSur 2600.

You considering
one of these for yourself?

Oh, no, sir. I'm afraid
that's a little too much
watch for me to handle.

But your nephew,
when he had his accident,
he was wearing his.

Here, let me show you.

Just take a minute, sir.

You see, sir?
You see how that crystal
there is broken?

Apparently when he fell,
and the watch
stopped working.

Well, I suppose
it could happen that way.

It was guaranteed
to be waterproof,

but not if the crystal
is compromised.

Well, I'm afraid, sir,
my problem is not that
the watch stopped workin',

but why he was wearin' it.

Well, I don't follow.
What do you mean by that?

Well, your nephew's watch,
sir, is a counterfeit.

Ha! That's impossible.

Well, I'm afraid
it's a fact, sir.

See, I looked
on the other side,

and there's no
serial number there.

Yes?
You see, sir?

Yeah, I see that.

Not like on this watch.
Right.

And probably
all these watches here,
they got serial numbers.

Quality watches,
they have serial numbers,
isn't that true, sir?

Absolutely.

Well, but there was none
on your nephew's,

and so I sent it
over there, to the lab,

and they come back
with a report,

they said it was
worth about $100.

That baffles
the hell out of me. I...
Must be a mistake.

Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

Well, I'm afraid
you're not
hearin' me, Lieutenant.

I gave that watch
to my nephew as a gift.
I gave it to Freddy.

He'd always wanted one,
but he'd never been
able to afford it.

You see, it retails
at nearly $3,000,

and I gave it to him
nearly a year ago,
on his 35th birthday.

Now, what are you
coming in here
and suggesting

what I really
gave my nephew
was a $100 knock-off?

No, sir, no.
Nothin' like that.

Well, what are you
driving at then?

Well, isn't it possible,
sir, that he might have
needed money,

and some time during the year
he sold it?

Freddy always
needed money,
that's true.

And isn't it reasonable,
sir, to think that

feelin' about you,
the way that I know he did,

that he wouldn't want you
to know that he sold it?

Yeah, he could have
bought a counterfeit,

'cause he knew
probably I'd never see
the back of the case

and never suspect
it was not the original.

Yes, sir.

Could have happened
that way.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
I was curt to you.
I apologize.

No harm done, sir.

But getting back
to my question.

Please. Yes, sir?

Now, we know
this was a fake LeSur.
We established that.

Now, my question is this.

Since it was a fake,
and since a fake
is not waterproof,

wouldn't you think
Freddy would know not
to wear it in the bathtub?

Mr. Lamarr, you don't
want to be late for
your luncheon appointment.

Excuse me.

LAMARR: Is it possible Freddy
could have been planning
to take off the watch

and slipped and fell
before he could?

Well, I suppose
it's possible, but...

Let me ask you
a question, Lieutenant.

Had he been drinkin'?

I mean, it's no secret
he had a little problem
in that area.

According to the medical
examiner's report, sir,

yes, he'd been
drinking
pretty heavily.

Well, the booze
could explain it.

Might explain why
a man forgets to
take off his watch.

Might also explain

why a grown man
slips and falls and drowns
in his own bathtub.

Yes, sir, it might.

I think it would.

Thank you
for the time, sir.

With pleasure.

Mr. Lamarr,

don't spend it all
in one place.

(LAUGHS) Funny man.

(GASPS)

(MOANING)

Oh, God, I've missed you.
I'm here.

I need you so bad.

Me, too.

Do I have to go
to the funeral?

Whatever you want,
my darling.

A detective
came by today.

Yeah, routine.
He won't be back.

He was cute.
I kind of liked him.

I bet he'd like you, too.

He's having
his 25th anniversary.
I told him it was sterling.

If he comes by,
maybe you can sell him
something expensive.

We need the money.

(CHUCKLING)

You're the devil in disguise.

Takes one to know one,

Uncle Leon.

(MOANING)

"There are no roses now

"They are gone with the sun

"No twinkle of fireflies
To signal day is done

"Come, mourn the end of love
Extinguished with the light

"Awake from the ruined dream
Into never-ending night"

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

"Oh, Heavenly Father,
we are gathered
at this final resting place.

"We share the sorrow,
grief and the memories

"to bid farewell
to one of your children,

"insofar as we are
all your children.

"We share the sorrow
of his unexpected departure

"and the fond memories of
his brief time amongst us.

"Our grief is tempered
with the firm belief that
he is in your good hands..."

Nancy has her nerve
being here,

after the way
she treated poor Freddy.

Well, I'm sure
it can't be easy
for her, either.

I presume that
she's the uncle's wife.

Yes.

She's a wonderful person.

Whose side are you on?

I'm not on anybody's side.
"Oh, Heavenly Father,

"we humbly seek your blessing
and your everlasting mercy."

Amen.
ALL: Amen.

Would some of Freddy's
friends or relatives

like to share
some memories with us?

I'd like to say
a few words.

Certainly.

I'm Leon Lamarr,
Freddy's uncle.

But Freddy was more
than a nephew to us.

My wife Martha and I
practically raised that boy.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

This is impossible
for me to believe
that I'm standing here,

and Freddy's
in this padded box.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Now that
he's actually gone,

I just remember
all the baseball games
we shared together,

and how excited
Freddy would get when
the Dodgers started to win.

And how he always laughed
at my naughty jokes.

Mama!

I guess that's what
they call today,
male bonding.

But Freddy and me,

we called it
being buddies.

Good buddies.

So long, old buddy.

Oh, Mr. Lamarr?

I believe they wish
to be alone
with their grief.

Sir!

Now, unless someone else
would like to share
their memories of Freddy,

the service is concluded.
Thank you all for coming.

COLUMBO:
Excuse me! Sir!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Maybe he's a friend
of Freddy.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(SHUSHING)

Excuse me, I'm from
the Los Angeles
Police Department.

How do you do, sir?
How do you do?

And you, sir, I'm assuming
that you're a friend
of Freddy's.

And I just want to ask you
one quick question.

Did he ever mention
to you his intention
of buying a car like this?

No. No, no, no,
that's not possible,
believe me.

He don't even have
the money for room rent.

Well, that's what
everybody tells me.

Thank you very much
for your time.

You're very welcome.

My pleasure
to meet you, ma'am.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

It makes no difference
if he's married.

Oh, he don't want
to meet your niece!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Ah, she's 58,
with piano legs.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

WOMAN: Oh,
it's a breathtaking car!

As you can see,
it's a most
unique automobile.

(CAR ENGINE BACKFIRING)

(SQUEAKING)

Shouldn't jam up
like that when it's sunny.

I want to ask
you, sir...

Gee, I hope I didn't
lose that thing.

I'm sure I...
Oh, here it is.

I wanted to ask you
about this car.

Sorry, but we don't
take trade-ins.

Could we step inside?

Do you have
an appointment?

Appointment?

I don't think that
I need an appointment.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

(SINGING) Where have
all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have
all the flowers gone?

Long time ago

Where have
all the flowers gone?

Young girls
have picked them,
every one

Oh, when will
they ever learn?

Oh, when will
they ever learn?

Where have
all the young girls gone?

Long time passing

McGinty!

Where have
all the young girls gone?

Long time ago

Where have
all the young girls gone?

Gone for husbands, every one

Oh, when will
they ever learn?

Oh, when will
they ever learn?

Otto, look, look!

Hey, that cop
is here.

What cop?

The Lieutenant.
He's in the closet.

In the closet?

Yes.

Lieutenant!

Oh. Hi, everybody.

I didn't mean
to intrude.

I just didn't know
everybody was
gathered here.

Oh, no. It was just
sort of spontaneous.

We all just drifted up here
and started sharing memories.

Can I help you
with something,
Lieutenant?

Oh, no, I'm fine, ma'am.
Thank you very much.

Are you looking
for something
in particular?

COLUMBO: No,
just a couple
of loose ends.

Otto, stop it.

Oh, listen, by the way...
Come on.

...you might
be interested.

Freddy was really
gonna buy
that $175,000 car.

No, that's
not possible.

Freddy couldn't
afford the parking.

No, it's really true.
I just spoke
to the salesman.

He picked out the color.

Hey, where he get
that kind of money?

Maybe from
a rich uncle.

SHARI: The lottery winner.

LEDA: Yeah, who else?

(ALL CHATTERING)

WANDA: How can life
be so cruel?

Just when he's about to have
a really terrific car,

he gets zapped,
just like that.

LEDA: Oh, isn't that
the way it always is?

(ALL CHATTERING)

Freddy was
a big beer drinker,
wasn't he?

Oh, yes, he love
to drink beer.

He loved it too much,
if you want to
know the truth.

McGINTY: Yeah,
a six-pack a day,
that was Freddy's way.

Then how come he bought
a case of champagne?

That must have cost
some seven, eight
hundred dollars.

A case?

McGINTY: Well,
how do you like that?

He was holding out on us.

GEORGEY:
Yeah, he only bring out
the two bottle, I remember.

OTTO: Yeah, he sure
was slow about that.

(ALL CHATTERING)

SHARI: Hey, let's take
a group picture.

TRISH: We need a camera.

SHARI: I've got one.
This is Freddy's,
and it's got film in it.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Italian policemen
don't steal no picture.

Mama, behave yourself
or no Jay Leno tonight, eh?

TRISH: Lieutenant,
will you
take the picture?

All right.

It's Freddy's camera
and it's a good one.

All right, here we go.

Hey, we're
all ready!

WANDA: What's he doing now?

Okay, the moment
is now!

SHARI: What's wrong with him?

OTTO: Lieutenant,
what's the problem here?

WANDA: Take it already!
OTTO: Go!

Okay, everybody,
here we go.

Cheese on three.

One, two...

ALL: Cheese!

LAMARR: Laura, sugar,
I don't like
those earrings

all bunched together
like that. It's tacky.

Yes, sir.
I'll take care of it.

Otherwise everything's
about perfect,
wouldn't you say?

Hey, get out of there!

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear you.

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear.
I don't know
what you're sayin'.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell
was that all about?

No, no, I mean,
spread 'em
all over the case.

Oh, all right.

Excuse me, sir,
I'm pressed for time.

I've got an appointment
at the vet's.

I just wanted to know
whether or not that

charm bracelet in the window,
is that sterling silver?

Are you interested
in some sterling, sir?

Well, they told me
that the traditional gift

for the 25th anniversary
is sterling silver.
Is that true?

I don't know
if the proper gift

for the lady
that you've shared
25 years with

is a metal worth only
four dollars an ounce.

How many ounces
are we talkin' about?

(CHUCKLES) Come here.
Let me show you something
incredibly beautiful.

Oh, no, sir,
thank you very much,

but I'm really
pressed for time.

All right, okay.

Although, gee,
if we made it fast...

Let's pull this one out
right here.

I do have a question
about your nephew.

I'll make this quick, sir.
It's not a big thing.

I was looking
through your nephew's
telephone bills.

I'm just curious
about something.

Mmm-hmm.

Last month he made
11 calls to your shop
here in Beverly Hills,

but on the previous month
he only made one.

Can you
account for that?

Well, Freddy's behavior
was not that complicated.

When he didn't call me
it was because
he was making ends meet.

And when he did,
it was 'cause
he needed some money.

And that's why he made
all those calls
last month, sir?

Yes, sir.

He needed money?

Oh, yes.

Well, that don't add up.

You got a problem
with that?

Yeah, something's
missing here.

'Cause on the 20th,
the day he called you
for money,

that boy went out
and he ordered
a $175,000 automobile.

What? Who told you that?

Well, the salesman, sir.

Oh, yeah. Freddy,
he'd selected the color,

and he was gonna
have it delivered in Europe,

in Switzerland,
in Bern.

Oh, don't pay
any mind to that.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that sounds like Freddy.
Yeah, it sure does.
He could do that.

I mean, that kid,
he was in the clouds.
It was all fantasy.

You mean, he would
make things up?

Make 'em up?

He told me he was
going on tour with Madonna
as her private photographer.

It wasn't true?
Made it up.

No kiddin'.

Ask Madonna.

Well, I'll be
a son of a gun.

So, this whole thing
about the automobile,

that was all
in his mind?

Let me tell you
the kind of thing he'd do.

He'd rent a Rolls-Royce
for the day, see,

so he could go
and look at houses for sale,

and, well, these are
three and four
million dollar houses.

He'd have these people
walking through all the rooms,

taking pictures,
he's asking questions.

He wanted to know
if there was room
in the back

so he could build
a tennis court.

No kiddin'.
And he had no money?

Not after he rented
that Rolls. He was broke.

And it's sad,
'cause Freddy
was a talented boy,

but he was mixed up.

Yeah, he sounds
mixed up.

Well, listen,
thank you very much
for this information.

I'm kind of pressed, sir,
so I'm gonna run along.

Do you remember
the name of
the real estate agent

that showed him
those houses?

It was Mary Sedge somethin'.
She's in Beverly Hills.

I'll think of it.
I'll give you a call.

Much obliged, sir.

Mr. Lamarr, wonderful things
you said at the funeral.

Very touching.

Thank you.

Oh, one more thing.

I'm gonna have to
make this fast, sir.

Freddy bought
a case of champagne.

I checked with
the liquor store.

It was on the same day
that he made
the 11th call to you.

Would he do that?

Would he spend $520
on a case of champagne,

and on the same day
call you up for a loan?

Well, that surprises me.

But I suppose
he could have,
bein' Freddy.

'Cause this wasn't
a fantasy, sir.

I mean, he actually bought
the case of champagne.

Yes, I hear you, sir.
I just wish I hadn't.

Well, I appreciate
that, sir.

Once again,
thank you for the time.

I'm sorry, sir,
just one more thing.

You said that
your nephew was planning
on coming to your party?

Yes, sir.

And he called you
to say he was
gonna be a little late?

That's right.
And that was a costume party?

Well, sure.
You were there.

Had you told
your nephew that?

Say what?

Did Mr. Brower know
that your Halloween party
was a costume party?

Oh, I'm sure he did. Why?

Well, it's probably
nothing, sir.

I'm just tryin'
to understand why,

if he was planning on
coming to your costume party,
why he didn't have a costume.

He didn't?

In his studio, sir,
on the night of his death,
no costume.

You sure about that?

Oh, quite sure, sir.
I even went back
after the funeral,

they were having
a wake there,
and I searched again,

and no costume.

Since it was Freddy,
doesn't surprise me.

See, costumes cost money,
and he was
an imaginative boy.

I suppose Freddy
was just gonna wear
some of his old clothes,

and come as
an eccentric billionaire,
like Howard Hughes.

They say old Howard
never wore anything fancy.

You remember at our party,
how everybody thought
you were in costume?

Well, you were wearing
your own clothes.

Well, that's
a good point, sir.

Yes, sir.
A damn good point.

And that would
explain it.
Much obliged.

My pleasure.

Kiss.

What does a grateful woman
buy a gracious jeweler
for a gift?

Anything in the store
at half price.

My dear,

I think this afternoon
will have to
hold us for a while.

You're not serious.

Your cute little busybody,
Lieutenant Columbo,

is still snoopin' around
here and there,
lookin' for God knows what.

And for a while, I suggest
we try to keep our distance
from one another.

Well, how long
are you talking about?

A day? A week? Longer?

Long enough
to come out of this
alive and free.

We've got to exercise
discipline a little bit.

Discipline.

Yeah.

You've got
24 million dollars, Leon,
after taxes.

Half is mine.

I want it.

All in good time.

But somehow, I don't think
it'd look right

for the Widow Brower's
bank account to suddenly
swell to 12 million.

Do you?

In the meantime,

I'm sure you know
that your share
is completely safe with me.

Come on. Come on, now.

Good evening, ma'am.

Do you have a moment?

Can I get you something
to drink, Lieutenant?

No, I'm fine, ma'am.
Just here for...

Diet soda?
Mineral water?

No. One quick question.

Do you want
to sit down?

It's about
your divorce.

Mmm-hmm?

You remember
when we first met,
it was in the lingerie shop.

You were tellin' me
about your marriage,

and how for six months
you'd been goin' through
a difficult divorce,

and because of that
you couldn't honestly say

that you were feeling
any deep sense of loss
over Freddy's passing.

That you really wanted
that marriage to be over.

It was true.

I don't doubt that
for a minute, ma'am.

That's what's
bothering me.

What?

Why didn't you sign
the divorce decree?

Honestly?

I didn't like
the communal debt clause.

The communal
debt clause?

But your husband's attorney
told me that

Mr. Brower signed
and mailed a copy
of the final decree

on October 2nd,
and he had eliminated
the communal debt clause.

And your attorney told me

that you got
a copy of that document
on October 4th,

almost a month ago,

and you never signed it.

I see.

Well, yes, I suppose that
does need to be explained,
doesn't it, Lieutenant?

Have you ever gone through
a divorce, Lieutenant?

Heaven forbid.

Well, I hope for your sake
you never do.

All that tough talk,
Lieutenant,

fades like a blush
when all of a sudden
the doorbell rings

and somebody hands you
this very imposing

legal document
called final decree.

And there's your
soon-to-be-ex-mate's
signature already in place.

And the only thing
that's missing,

the only thing that keeps
the door from closing
on a chapter in your life,

which you personally,
royally played your part
in blowing all to hell,

is your own John Hancock.

Well, let me tell you,
Lieutenant,

it gives one pause.

(CRYING) I didn't sign
the final decree,
Lieutenant, because

I couldn't
bring myself to admit

that what was being granted
was what I actually wanted.

It's funny how we often
learn things about ourselves

much too late
to change them.

Oh, Freddy.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello.

(WHISPERING) Are you insane?
I asked you
never to call me at home.

Now, you should
direct this call
to the office.

I'm still your
ex-niece in law, Leon.

I don't think
speaking to each other
is a criminal offense.

What is so important
you had to call me here?

Why are you listening
to that terrible music?

Come to the point, please.

Your friend,
the Lieutenant,
called me today.

What about?

The final decree.

I don't understand.
What're you gettin' at?

Freddy, the miserable
back-stabbing louse,

changed the divorce papers
the way I'd wanted them,

and signed them
the same day he won
the lottery, October 2nd.

They were sent to me
two days later.

And you signed them?

I couldn't, Leon.

If I did,
we'd be divorced,

and then he wouldn't have
needed you, darling.

But what did you
tell Columbo?

(LAUGHS)
I was brilliant, Leon.

Probably
even better than you.

I told him
that when I saw
the final decree,

I broke down.
I got all weepy
and sentimental

and just couldn't
bring myself to
sign on that dotted line

because deep down inside
I was probably
still in love with Freddy

and didn't really want
the marriage to end.

(SHOUTING)
You think he bought
that bowl of mush?

I think I almost
had him in tears.

He's coming up
on his 25th
wedding anniversary.

This is a man that
understands love, Leon.

Maybe.

But, Leon,

couldn't I just have
a couple of million?

(LAUGHS)

Night, hon.

ALL: (SINGING)
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN: Been up to the river
lately, Mr. Lamarr?

Hey, Joe, I've been
tryin' to get up there
to do a little fishin',

but what's sufferin'
is my golf game.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Happy birthday,
Mr. Lamarr!

Well, Lieutenant.
It's not my birthday.

This is an unexpected
thank you from my staff,
and I appreciate it.

And this year
we're gonna have
our Christmas bonus early.

You deserve it.
And I'm proud
to give it to you.

(ALL WHOOPING)

How often do you get
to work for a $30 million
lottery winner

as nice as Mr. Lamarr?

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Thank you, sugar.
That's sweet.

This is for you, sir,
it's a souvenir.

Oh. Thank you very much.

That's the winning number.

Yeah, it's right here
on the cake, too.

Well, I gotta
tell you a story.

This is the damnedest thing
that ever happened to me.

I'll never forget it
as long as I live,

and you're gonna
find it interesting.

I was over at Freddy's,

his friends were over there,
they were having a wake and...

Do you mind
holding this, sir?

And they suddenly
wanted to take a picture,

and they handed me
Freddy's camera.

And I'm fooling
with this thing here,
and suddenly...

(CHUCKLING)
I couldn't believe it.

Sir, see if you see
what I saw.

Do you see it, sir?

No?

Look in this area here.

No? Nothing? Okay.

If you cover up
these two,

and if you read
from the right,

4, 5, 6, 8,
11, 16.

The first six numbers,
they're the winning
lottery number.

That's right. So?

Well, you can
imagine my shock,

when I looked down
at Freddy's camera

and I saw the winning
lottery ticket.

I mean, it was like
somethin' that happened
in a dream.

What is that?
Was that a coincidence?
Is that what it was?

Well, it's not
a coincidence,

because I gave this camera
to Freddy years ago.

I taught him
how to use it.

I make pretty damn
good pictures myself.

I'll show 'em
to you sometime.

As far as these numbers go,
they're second nature to me,
and I...

Sir, what you said before,
I believe that was right.

It was no coincidence.

(KNOCKING)

(GROANS)
We're closed, sir.
Sorry.

Come back another time.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Is Miss Brower
still there?

Somebody for you, sweetie.

But you still have time
to duck out the back
if you want.

COLUMBO: Mrs. Brower,
may I talk to you?
It's very important.

I better see
what he wants.

See you in the morning.
Okay. Bye-bye.

Thank you, ma'am.

I have some
very unsettling news,

and I'm afraid
I don't know any delicate way
to approach it.

What news,
Lieutenant?

It's about
your husband.

Well, what is it, Lieutenant?
I don't understand.

I mean, what could be
worse than the news
that he was dead?

The fact that
he was murdered.

Are you all right?

Yes.

Would it be better
if you sat down?

No, I'm fine.

I mean, it was just
such a shock
hearing you say that.

I mean, Freddy murdered?

Why would anybody
want to murder Freddy?

That's a very interesting
question, isn't it?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We have $9,000.
Would someone offer 10,000?

Ten thousand
on my right,

bid on the lovely
turn-of-the-century
ruby brooch.

Will someone
make it 11?

Eleven thousand.
Is 12 offered?

Twelve, anyone? No?

Going once for 11,
going twice,
and sold for $11,000.

The next item
is number 19
in the catalog.

An heirloom
40 karat diamond necklace
of exceptional quality.

We shall entertain
an opening bid of $300,000.

I have $300,000
on my right.

$300,000 is the bid.
I'm looking for 350.

I'm looking for 350,
do I see 350?

I have 350 as bid,
by the man in the aisle.

I'm looking for $400,000.

May I have $400,000?

I have $400,000 on my right.

The bid is $400,000.
I'm looking for 450.

May I have a bid of four...

I have $450,000
from the gentleman
in the raincoat.

You're not bidding,
are you?

He's not bidding.

Were you bidding?

Bidding?
He wasn't bidding.

Were you bidding, sir?

Bidding?
No, I was...

Please, sir, you mustn't
wave your catalog.

Now, please, sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let me repeat once again...

I didn't know.

Please, unless you intend
to make a bid, I beg of you...

Gee, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

...do not gesture
with your hand
or your catalog.

(SHUSHING) Please.

AUCTIONEER: And now
to item number 20.

Earrings of a most
unusual nature.

How far am I goin'
on this one?

Up to 800,000.

I didn't know.

It does create confusion.

Oh, I can see that.
That's why I don't
go to these places.

You know, my wife,
she bid $80
for a footstool,

it was made out of
coffee cans.
Can you imagine that?

No. I can't.

She bids $500,000.

Do I hear 550?

$650,000 dollars.

Silent bids, please,
Mr. Lamarr.

Does anyone care to respond?
I'm looking for $700,000.

No?

Going once, going twice,
sold to Mr. Leon Lamarr.

Nicely done.

Thank you, ma'am.

MAN: Bravo, bravo.

Very kind of you, sir.

Congratulations, sir.
I'm glad you got
what you wanted.

Is it so important
what you came here for?

Oh, it's very
important, sir.

I called your office.
They told me
you were here.

I'll have to
thank 'em for that.

Well, they said
I could have left
a message, but...

Right.

Well, sir, it was
too... Too personal.

It has to do
with your nephew.

Mmm-hmm.

Sir, there's reason
to believe

that your nephew's death
was not accidental.

In fact, there is
reason to...

Just a moment.

Jody.

Was I bidding on this?

No, sir.
This is 1-4-6-9.

You said you were
lukewarm on it.

Yeah, I remember.

Now, what was it
that you were saying that
it wasn't an accident?

I don't think so, sir.
I think it was...

Do you want to know
what I think?

Hold your hat.

I think it was murder.

Murder? What the hell
are you talkin' about, man?

What in heaven's...

AUCTIONEER: All done?
Going once, going twice...

Come on, let's go.

AUCTIONEER: And now
item number 21
in your catalog.

The beautiful
Oriental jade pendants

set in pure platinum,
with 22 karat gold filigree.

I'll entertain an opening
bid of $100,000.

Jack.

What are you sayin',
murder?

Who would want
to murder Freddy?

What did he ever do
to anyone?

You said he slipped
and fell in his bathtub.

Now, how all of a sudden
does that turn into murder?

I don't think
he slipped, sir,
I think he was placed.

Well, what is that
supposed to mean?

Well, what it means is
that whoever killed him,

they first knocked
him unconscious...

Detective Stroller,
Mr. Leon Lamarr.

How do you do, sir?
How are you?

I mean,
whoever killed him

knocked him
unconscious first,
then they undressed him.

Jack, you don't
have to stand there
holdin' that.

Put it down there.

Whoever killed him, sir,
they knocked him
unconscious first,

then they
undressed him,

then they dropped him
into the tub.

How do you even come up
with an idea like that?

I mean, you have anything
to substantiate it,

to establish
such a horror story?

You mean,
in a courtroom, sir?

No, I don't mean
in a courtroom.

I mean, right here,
now, to me.

Where were you, sir,
on the night
that Freddy died?

I don't know
what this is leading to,

but I don't think
I like the sound of it.

Well, I would
appreciate an answer.

Well, you know
the answer.

Why are you
asking the question?

No, I don't know
the answer.

Well, what are
you trying to do?
Irritate me on purpose?

Is that it?
No, no.

No, not at all.

Cut the bull here,
please!

Mr. Lamarr, sir,

on the night Freddy died,
you were at your house.

I know that, yes.
I saw you there.

Exactly.

But that was
after 9:00.

I don't know
where you were
at 7:00.

Oh, I...
I see, Lieutenant.

Well, at any o'clock
I was home.

Home all night?

The whole night.

At your party.
(CHUCKLES)
Wearin' a costume.

You weren't.
(CHUCKLING) No, sir.

I was wearing
my suit.

People thought
it was a costume.

Yes, sir. That thing
you were wearing,

was that
an English king, sir?

It was King George.
You know that.

Don't you remember?
Boston Tea Party.

Boston Tea Party,
yeah, that rings a bell.

King George.
Yeah, I remember now.
King George.

Was this the costume
you were wearing, sir?

Is there any significance
to these questions?
Because...

I'd appreciate it
if you would
identify it, sir.

Is this
the actual jacket?

Well, hell, I don't know.
Let's take a look.

Same material.

Yeah, same color...
Size 44?

Forty-four. Right.

Looks like
it would fit.

Yes, that's
the jacket. Yes.

And the pants, sir?

Yes, the pants. Yes.

And the socks?
Well, you couldn't be sure
about the socks, could you?

No... No.

And the shoes?

Couldn't be sure, no.

Couldn't be sure, no.
Well, like the socks.

And this thing here, sir,
is this something
you wear around your neck?

That is a medallion,
and it is worn
around the neck.

Okay.

Okay, sir,
we're almost finished.

I just gotta show you
a couple of photographs
that your nephew took.

You'll be surprised.

He was a pretty
good photographer.

Well, I'm not
surprised, sir.

I said
he was very talented.

Yes, sir.

Does anything
strike you
in these, sir?

Well, there's a chimpanzee
right there,
in all the photos.

Yeah, he's a friendly guy,
isn't he?

Yes, sir.

Likes people.
Right.

Was this taken
at Freddy's studio,
do you think?

Well, it's hard to tell.
There's no background.

Well, in this one
there's photos on the wall.

I'm not positive, I'd say
that's Freddy's studio.

When was the last time
you were there, sir?

I don't remember.

Now, that is a lie.

A what?

Jack?

You got it, Jack?

Got it.

That's a blow-up
of a fingerprint

that was made
at Freddy's studio.
And I'm afraid, sir...

It places you there
on the night of his death.

I'm afraid
you're a fool,
Lieutenant.

I've been to Freddy's
many times.

I'm not surprised
you found
my fingerprint there.

But I am surprised
you'd try to use that print

to place me there
the night of his death.

Where'd you get that idea,
about the fingerprint?

That's not
your fingerprint.

That's the chimp's.

And I didn't
find that fingerprint
on Freddy's doorknob,

and I didn't find it
on his refrigerator,

and I didn't find it
on the sink.

But on this medallion,
which was hangin'
around your neck.

We know the chimp
was in the studio
on the night of the murder.

Now we know
you were there.

Two things
that did you in, sir.

This badge,

and those photographs.

Here the chimp's goin'
for a lady's bracelet.

And here, he's got
a man's cigarette case.

And here, he's going
for the lady's earrings.

And on the night
of the investigation,

he was grabbin'
this badge.

What do these things
have in common?

They're all shiny
and they're all metal.

Just like this medallion.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Hello, Leon.

What are you
doin' here, Nancy?

Oh, Mrs. Brower.
Well, thank you
for coming.

I want to thank you
for your cooperation.

Cooperation, huh?

I hope it hasn't been
too unpleasant for you.

I was told you have
something to tell me,
Lieutenant?

Well, like all those
jokes, ma'am,

there's good news
and bad news.

Which do you
want first?

Well, I guess
the bad news.

Well, the bad news, ma'am,

is that Mr. Lamarr here
is gonna be arrested for
the murder of your husband.

Oh, my God.

Leon, how could you?

Ha!

And what's
the good news?

That you've just inherited
the better part of
$24 million after taxes.

What?

It wasn't Mr. Lamarr
who won the lottery,
it was your late husband.

And even though
you were in the process
of getting a divorce,

you were still
legally married
at the time of the drawing.

I get the money?

All of it.
(GASPS)

COLUMBO:
All of those millions.

It'll be
a cold day in hell.

Leon!

You lyin'
treacherous bitch.

You sold old Leon out,
didn't you?

You want to see
some cooperation, girl,

I'm gonna show you
some cooperation.

Who do you think it was
pretended to be Freddy

calling me from
the studio that night?

Leon!
His own darlin' wife.

His dear, sweet widow here,
trying to
scratch my eyes out.

Leon, you idiot!

You wish I was as dead
as Freddy, don't you?

You know how much
I hate you, Leon?

I hate you
more than your wife
is gonna hate you!

That's how much
I hate you!

All right,
book 'em.

Oh, Leon, you...

Both of 'em.

Leon! Oh,
I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get you if...
First degree murder.

Get your hands
off me!

Leon! Leon!

(LEON LAUGHING)

Leon!

COLUMBO: Good night.

You know, Jack,
I was thinkin' about
my wife's anniversary gift.

Yeah?

She got enough jewelry.

She got two ears,
how many earrings
can she wear?

What we need to do is
spend more time together.

You know,
just the two of us.

I'm gonna take her
on a trip.

Oh, that's nice.
Gettin' away
on a cruise ship.

No, I wasn't thinkin'
about a cruise.

I was thinkin' more like
campin' out in the woods,

goin' fishin',
cookin' over a campfire.
How's that sound?

To me, great.

Are you sure your wife
likes that kind of stuff?

My wife would rather
get dressed
and go out dancin'.

You know,
on second thought,

maybe I ought
to have her
old car repainted.

Jack, it's 25 years.
I ought to do
somethin' special.

Your car
or her car?

I didn't hear that.