All language subtitles for Amy.Schumer.Live.At.The.Apollo.2015.WEBRip.x264-ION10

My name is Amy,
and it's my show!

(rap music playing)

♪ Man ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ Man, I been did that ♪

♪ Man, I been popped off ♪

♪ And if she ain't trying
to give it ♪

♪ Then she get dropped off ♪

♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪

♪ Bitch bust that open ♪

♪ Might spend a couple thou' ♪

♪ Just to bust that open ♪

(cheers, applause)

MC:
You know her
from her hit TV show.

You loved her
in the movie "Trainwreck."

Harlem, it's time
to give it up

for the one and only
Amy Schumer!

♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

Get up!
Get the fuck up, Apollo!

Come on!

(cheering, whistling)

Thank you!

Please, sit, I--
I would never ask

you to stand.
I can't believe

you all stood...

of your own volition,
thank you.

That's never happened.

(cheering, whistling)

Thank you so much
for being here.

This has been
an insane year for me.

I started out-- I made
two New Year's resolutions.

I, uh...
Number one,

I wanted to catfish someone.

Did it, loved it,
recommend it.

(laughter)

And number two
was to this year

just once take off
a pair of underwear

and have it not look
like I blew my nose in it.
Now...

Same? Same?

No? You're
kind of like, "No, no."

So you find a pair
of underwear on the floor

and you're like,
"How do I know
if I wore it?"

Please, you know. You know.

(laughter)

She knows.

I'm like,
"Oh, cool they filmed

"'Charlotte's Web'
in my underwear, wow.

'Salutations'? Okay."

I don't know why the guys
look grossed out.

Your underwear looks like
a coal miner wiped
their brow...

(laughs) at the end
of a shift, a long shift.

So my name is Amy,
and I'm at the Apollo. Um...

(cheering)
Right?

You guys all look like
you're from this neighborhood.

(laughter)

So... Here's how
I wound up here. Okay?

Let me just catch you up.

My two front teeth
didn't fall out

until I was in fifth grade.

(laughter)

Which is late.

(laughter)

And that same week,
I got my period.

(cheers, scattered applause)

Which is early!

So I was just like
this jack-o'-lantern

with tits walking around,
like... (groaning)

(groaning)

Trick or treat. (groans)

I was like Pinocchio
transitioning to a donkey.

I was like,
"Hee-haw!" (groans)

(laughter)

And I had one of those
really cool moms who told me,

"You don't need to shave
above your knee,

just... here down."

So here up,
I was just a werewolf, just...

Mr. Tumnus here to here.

Benicio Del Toro...

beneath my torso.

I'm so happy to be filming
my special here in New York.

I grew up here,
I was born here,

um, did my first
everything here,

um, still no anal...
(laughter)

But I just love New York,

'cause it's a town
where I can get laid.

Like, I can catch a "D" here
kinda whenevs, yeah.

And, uh, I was in LA
for a little while, and, um...

can't, can't there.

Uh...

Just in case you've
never been to LA,

it is, um, filled with
the most beautiful people

from all over the world.

So, picture the most beautiful
girl in your high school,

like the one
that you wanted to be.

Okay? I'm talking
to the guys right now.

(laughter)

And everybody was like,
"You're too pretty

for Buffalo, Brittany,
go to LA. Go."

Everyone is hot there.

Everybody, okay.

I saw a guy, he was cleaning
up a Pizza Hut bathroom.

I would have paid
this guy to fuck me.

I would have paid
him good money.

I don't-- People don't
even see me there.

Like, I just--
They 're just like,

"Is that a fat tumbleweed?
Like, what's..."

My body type there,
they're like--

My arms register
as legs there.

They're just...

They're like,
"Is that an octopus?

I don't understand."

And my legs register
as firewood.

They're just like...

like, "Why is the BFG
on Sunset?" Just...

It got to the point--
I was in LA, I was so excited.

Somebody tweeted
about another actress.

They were like,
"She looks like
a fat Amy Schumer,"

and I was like, "Yes!"

(laughter)

"It's not me!"

It's so insanely---

Like, if I go
on an audition in New York,

it's for, like, the cute girl
you didn't notice

'cause she was, like,
wearing khakis or something.

Like, "There can't be
a pussy under there,

those are khakis."

(laughter)

How would that even work?

But then in LA,
I'll be in a waiting room,

they're like, um,
"Amy, it says here--

"Are you reading for the girl
getting gastric bypass?

Is that correct?"

"Amy, who did you-- Did you
play Gilbert Grape's mom?

I can't place you."

(laughter)

I'm like, "No."
They're like,

"Okay, well,
you didn't get the part.

"But do you want us to put
a hose on you, keep you moist,

so we can return
you to the sea, Blackfish?"

(laughter)

It's fucked up.

And that's not how it is
for the dudes at all, okay?

Like, I just happened
to see the movie "Zookeeper."

Did you ever see that movie?

Okay, if you didn't,
don't, all right?

Don't see that. But...

So "Zookeeper" is about
talking animals, okay?

And the male
romantic lead is...

(in sultry voice) Kevin James.

Um...

(breathes heavily)

Oh, my God, I know.

Is it wet in here,
ladies, or is it us?

(moans)
(laughter)

The real King James.

And, uh... (moans)

And Kevin James is dating
a beautiful, blonde skeleton.

And...
(laughter)

And he's sad because
sometimes she's mean to him.

And then...

the girl who is
in love with him,

who he doesn't notice,
who's been there all along,

waiting in the wings,

is Rosario Dawson...

arguably the most
fuckable actress ever.

Rosario Dawson is just,
like, working at the zoo,

just, like, sweeping
up koala shit.

Like,
"Please fuck me, Kevin James."

(laughter)

"Why won't Kevin James
give me his dick?" (whines)

And he's like,

"Ew, you're wearing
khakis, never."

(laughter)

Like, that movie's
about talking animals.

There is a beaver
and a penguin that are friends

and talk about opening
a bed and breakfast.

But that's not
the most unrealistic part
of that movie.

It's Rosario
pretending--

She should get an Oscar
for that fucking movie.

Let's see Meryl do that.

I dare you, Meryl.

Pretend like
you're dying to have
Kevin James deep dick you.

I... I dare you.

It's fucked up in Hollywood.

That's why I-- I wrote a movie
last year and I, uh...

(audience cheers)
Yeah, thank you.

Thanks. I did it.

And I went like that,
and then send,

and I'm a hero and, uh...

But they were like,
"We're gonna make your movie."

And I was like,
"Oh, my God,

this is so great,
'cause I love money."

(laughter)
Um...

So I wrote this movie and, uh,

and I just assumed
that they would cast,

like, a beautiful
model-y actress

to play the lead role and, uh,

you know, like
a Blake Lively or like a...

Sofía Vergara...

Verge... Verchair...

Vergina... and, uh,

and then I'd be on set
just as, like, a writer

with, like, a messy bun
and a laptop like,

"Um, Miss Lively,
the line's actually

'My pussy hurts.'"

And...
(laughter)

And she'd be like,
"Why is there
a garden gnome on set?"

And, um...

And I would just, like,
stumble back to my sad office.

But... they were like,

"No, we want you
to be in the movie."

And I was like,
"Oh, my God. Me?"

They were like, "Yes."

They were like,
"We just need you
to do three things.

"One, just be yourself.

"Two, have fun.

And three, stop eating food."

And I was like,
"Wait a minute!

I'm sorry, don't people
need food to live?"

They were like,
"That's a myth."

So, I was like, "Okay."

And they were like,
"No. You promise?"

I was like,
"You guys...

"like, I don't
even like food.

"I was just eating it
'cause I was bored.

"Like, ugh.

Who wants to, like, chew
and eat food all the time?"

Me. I do.

It turns out,
I need food and, uh...

So they got me a trainer.

And I've never
had a trainer before,

and this guy is the trainer.

He's like, trains all
the Hemsworthses and, um...

(laughter)

...like, Megan Fox
and, like, an actual fox.

Like, everything
that you wanna fuck,

this guy has gotten
his mitts on, and, uh...

And so, we're meeting
for the first time,

and I can really picture him,
like, it was like slow-mo.

I saw him see me and wince.

Like, "Ooh. Um..."

He wasn't used
to this kind of cargo.

So, he's walking toward me

and he's smiling at me,
like, trying to be brave

like you would for,
like, a burn victim.

Like, he's like...

(laughter)

"I can see there's a human
under there somewhere."

And, uh...

And like, I-- I see him
looking at me

and I know he's, like,
assessing what's up with me.

So I'm trying to make muscles

that, like, my body
doesn't even support.

I'm just like...

Like, I look like one
of those inflatable things

outside a car wash
that are like...

I'm like... (groans)

And, uh...

And so...

he gives me this,
um, this, like, questionnaire.

He's like, "Okay.

How many drinks
do you have in a week?"

And I'm like-- you know
how you get just, like,

just once in a while,
you're like,

"What if I'm just honest
for the fuck of it?"

Like, "What if I just...

What if I keep it real
with this guy right now?"

So, I'm like...

"36."

(laughter)

(cheering, whistling)

"36."

And, uh...

And he's like, "No, alcohol."

And I'm like, "No, alcohol."

And...

And, uh, he's like,

"All right, take me through
what you eat in a day."

And he stops me at noon.

Like, he had heard enough.

He's like, "I get it."

So...

And then he's like,
"Okay, well, here's
your new diet, all right?

"So for breakfast,
you'll have a smoothie.

"And then for lunch,
you'll journal

"about that smoothie.

"And then, you put a peanut
under your pillow

and you hope
you dream about pizza."

And I'm like...

(laughter)

I'm like, "Um, I kind of
have to stop you here.

"It's sounding like
at times I will be hungry.

"Um...

Did I miss a couple
of courses in there? Uh..."

And he had to explain to me,

like, "No, sometimes
people are hungry."

And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Well, where are they?

Can we bring them food?"

Like, "I've got some extra
stuff in my apartment,

like, not a lot--
Actually, let's just
get them their own food."

Um...

And, like, that's
the secret I found out.

Like, that's
Hollywood's secret.

They don't put food
in their faces,

and that's not
an option for me.

Like, I don't know
how it was...

how it was in your house
growing up, but in our--

in my house,
it was, like,

you would eat till
you were in a lot of pain...

(laughter)

then you'd take,
like, a little breather...

and you get yourself back
in even more pain, right?

Like, I was born weighing 150.

Like, I just
came out swinging.

Like, "Give me linguine, Ma!"

(laughter, cheers)

That's how it's been.

Like, I have never
in my life--

I've never said
this sentence in my life--

I've never said, "Oh, my God.
I forgot to have lunch today."

Like, never in my life.

If anything, I've been like,

"Oh, shit.
I had two lunches today...

that lunch
and that other lunch."

Um...

So I was like,
"I don't think I can do
this not eating thing.

"What if I... just develop
an eating disorder?

Like, I'm a white girl.
I can do it, you know?"

So, I, uh,
I made a decision.

I was like, "I'm gonna get
a late-in-life
eating disorder."

And...

So I binged regularly,
and, uh...

and then I was like,
"Here we go.

First day pukin'."

And... and my body
was like, "No, bitch.

(laughter)

No, we keep our food here."

It turns out that's not
available to everybody.

What was available
to me was

popping all the blood vessels
in my left eye.

(laughter)

So...

Not only...
was I super bloated,

but then I had
this weird, dead lizard eye.

(laughter)

People thought
I was an oracle.

They were like...

asking about their future.

And I was like,
"I'm just hungry.

"I don't know.

I don't know
about your future."

So I...

Even from just not drinking,
I did, I lost like ten pounds.

And this trainer acted like
he taught Helen Keller
how to read.

He was like, "There she is.
There's my girl."

So I showed up
to film this movie

and I was like,
"I think I'm a model now."

Like, ten--
I was seriously--

I think a lot
of girls are like this.

I-- We have like
a sneaking suspicion,

like, in the back
of our heads,

like, "Am I maybe gorgeous?"

(laughter)

"I think I'm gorgeous."

(cheering)

Right?

I'm gorgeous,
but I just haven't stumbled

on the right hairdo,
you know?

But one day,
on a whim I'll just, like,

cut bangs
and everybody will be like,

"Damn!"
And I'll be like,

"Oh, my God, like, treat
me the same, you guys."

(laughter)

"I'm the same
person under here."

And they're like,
"We can't, we're too hard,"

and I'm like, "I get it."

But then...

But then my stunt double
was a guy. Um...

(laughter)

I-- I thought I was so cool
that I had a stunt double.

I was just like--
I walked into set like,

"Where is she?"
and they were like,

"That's Troy."

And he was dipping
and had a beard.

(laughter)

I was like, "That's me?"

They were like,
"That's you!"

Totally tried
to have sex with him.

Um...

I'll admit that
to you fine people.

I learned, and I should
have already known this

because I've been on the road
doing stand up for 11 years,

(audience cheers)
and-- Thank you.

Now I get to be here.

And I-- This is gonna
make some of you gasp.

I have never gotten laid
after a show, okay?

I know,
but that is the truth.

Male stand-ups-- puss as far
as the eye can see, okay?

And female comics--
it is not that way.

What I'm saying
is I'm not in this
for the dick, okay?

'Cause it--
I mean, I would be

if it had led to that,
but that's not what happens.

The stunt guy, it's not
my fault I tried to fuck him.

He was very hot.

I'm hot as a guy,
it turns out, and...

(laughter)

He was from South Africa,
and I'm just, like,

such a sucker
for an accent, you know?

Like, an English guy
or, like, a deaf guy?

Mmm.
(laughter)

Mmm!

That was a test to see
if you were bad people...

(laughter)
which you are.

Um...

I do feel bad about that.

My mom's a speech
and hearing therapist
for the deaf,

and she's gonna hear that,
but they won't.

So...

Cheers, you guys,
thanks for coming out.

(cheering, whistling)

I know that, um,

some of you are here
by accident and I'm sorry.

Uh...

The Apollo is a beautiful
theater with subscribers,

so some of you thought
you were seeing "Godspell"
tonight, but...

Like, I have no information.
I have no...

I don't know what's going on
in the news, ever,
like, at all.

My friends do.
They're very smart

and they're up to date,
and, like, I try to chime in.

Like, they were all
very upset about Ferguson,

and I was like,
"I know, I can't believe
he left the show.

"Um... I don't know
about this new guy.

What do you guys think?"
And they were like...

I kept telling
people I was gonna do
an ISIS bucket challenge.

Like, I...

I'm doing the UTI
challenge right now.

Can you...
(laughter)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(cheers, applause)

A UTI, in case
you don't know,

it is not a college online.

It is...
a urinary tract infection,

and, um, I just got
my first UTI at 33.

Woman: What?!
Yes--
I made it this far.

I know,
unbelievable, right?

33, first--
And nobody tells you

how embarrassing
it's gonna be

'cause no one's like,
"How'd you get it?"

Like, you know how I got it.

I had sex...

and then I was too lazy
to pee right after.

I chose to lay there,
like a cum dumpster,

just...
(laughter)

Just a receptacle.

Was I savoring the moment?
What was I doing?

And I didn't
want to use condoms,

'cause I'm like,
"What if I'm allergic?"

Like, I don't want
to risk, you know?

A UTI,
it's so embarrassing,

and then everyone's like,
"Just drink cranberry juice,"

and that doesn't work at all.

And if you order it,
everybody knows what's up.

You're, like,
at a steakhouse...

(laughter)

"Yeah, the fillet and, uh...

Can I have
a cranberry juice? Um..."

The waitress is like,
"You want a cranberry juice?"

You're like, "Yep, yep."

She's like, "Why?"

"'Cause I love it."
"No, you're disgusting."

I got it-- I was sleeping
with a guy who's my friend.

Having--
Like, friends having sex,

there's a real
sadness to that.

Like, I don't know
if you've experienced it,

when, like,
two friends are like,

"We could stomach
fucking each other.

We should try that."

Just, like, hurl your bodies
at each other and...

and you're just, like,
thinking about it
the whole time, like,

"Ugh, I can't believe
Luke's eating my pussy
right now, like..."

(laughter)
"That's fucking--"

And Luke's thinking,
"I'm eating Schumer's
pussy right now?"

Like, it's bad.
It's all bad.

It's really sad.
And then...

And then, you know,
and he was like,

really worried about
getting me pregnant.

And I'm like, "I was born
wearing the NuvaRing,

like, I came out ringed up."

And, uh...

And also, I'm like,
"Guess what, Luke?

"If I got pregnant
with your baby,

"I would ignore all red lights

on the way
to Planned Parenthood."

Just... (imitates car horn)

(laughter, applause)

It would look like
"Snowpiercer"
out my window, just...

(imitates wind)

It's always the guys you would
never have a kid with
that's like (grunts).

Like, "I'm not trying
to get your seed, thank you.

Thank you, though."

Yeah, I have no idea
what's going on in the news.

I read about the, um,
when the celebrities'
photos got hacked.

I read that.

Did you guys look
at their beautiful
little pussies?

I'm the only one, really?

I looked at every little
pussy I could find.

(laughter)

I wanted to see if they were,
like, magical and, like,
almond-sized.

Not that mine isn't.

I mean, you guys,
I didn't know
you'd be sitting this close.

Like, it's very small, right?

It's a-- I have a tiny--

It's like a Barbie.
You can't even find the hole.

You're like,
"Is there a hole?"

Tiny. Even in
a light days tampon,

I walk around, like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow...
Ooh! Mmm!"

No, if I, like, sneeze,
that would fall out of me.

I, um...

At the drugstore,
I'm like, "Do you guys

have any futons
I could maybe borrow?"

No. It's normal.
I think my pussy's good.

Like, people always
come back, you know?

I've got a good...
good return rate.

Like, I'd know by now
if it was, like, jacked up.

I, uh... I don't know, though.

I've never really looked
at my pussy, like...

but it got into my head.

"Amy, what does
your pussy look like?"

Um, probably like
the mouth of, like,

an old lounge singer,
there's, like,

a cigarette hanging
out of it, just...

(laughter)

She's like doing
the Charleston and scatting.

She's like... (scatting)

She calls everybody honey.

Just-- I'm guessing.
I don't know.

It's a guess.

They're all beautiful,
they're all equally beautiful,

I believe, but...

The reason I don't know
what my pussy looks like

is because women never
look at their vaginas.

Like, men,
you look down,

you're like,
"Oh, there's my dick."

Well, like, hopefully.

Um...

(laughter)

But, girls, you would need,
like, a hand mirror

and to do some, like,
"Cirque du Soleil" type...

Like, it's hard to find.

And then the only time you see
it is if you get a bikini wax.

And they wax you
and then they show it to you,

and there is no faster
response time in the world.

You're just like,
"Yep, that looks great!"

(laughter, applause)

"I see it.
Yeah, that's great."

It's like identifying a body.

You're like, "That's her!

Yeah, definitely her.
Thank you."

Right? I don't know
any girl that's like...

"Hmm... Maybe
a little more off the top."

No one...
No one does that.

I got a massage recently.

I hurt my neck doing something
that's my business and, um...

I know, that's supposed
to sound like I was,

like, giving a blowjob,
but I was honestly opening
a jar of salsa con queso.

I was like... (grunts)

And, um...

So that I could suck it
off of a cab driver's dick
and, uh...

(laughter, applause)

Never.

Uber, yes.
Uber... (gags)

But, um...

(laughter)

That's me in an Uber.

Mmm... mmm.
(giggles)

So, my neck hurt,

and I looked at this website,

and it had music
and it looked like a nice spa,

and I realized--
realized a little late

in the game that
it was a rub and tug.

Now, it is fully my fault.

Like, all the signs
were there.

This is-- It's on me.
I'm taking responsibility.

Like, I had to be buzzed in.

Um... I don't know a spa
that's like, "Who's there?"

Like, they usually
let you come

and go at your "leis,"
and, uh...

There were gold bars
on the windows.

I was like,
"Ooh, exclusive."

And, uh...
(laughter)

I swear, I got in there
and they were like,
"Are you law enforcement?"

And I was like,
"No, but I have been
working out more, thank you."

Uh... And then the girl
who came to get me,

she was leading
the guy before me out

by the small of his back,
which is body language for,

"That's okay you came
on my foot. That's okay."

And, uh...

And then she walked
me back to the room

like she was walking
me through, like,
a fun frat party.

She like--
she's like, "Come on!"

She's like, "Woo!"

And I'm like, "Okay."

And then we get in there
and that's when I knew,

because it was just two--
It was just a steel table,

like-- like you'd examine
people on in "Lost..."

and towels,
like, hardened towels.

You know the color.

And... and there
was no face cradle

'cause no one had ever
laid facedown before.

So, uh, I still
laid facedown.

I was like, "Fuck this,
I am not finding out what
they do to girls here."

So I just put
my head over the edge.

And I was really
trying to keep things
on the up-and-up.

I'm like,
"It's just my neck, girl,

like, just my neck."

And she's all upper thigh.
She's like,

"Is this your neck?"

(laughter)

I'm like, "You know
that's not my neck."

And then I just kind of
accept it into my heart.

I was like,

"Amy, you know you're getting
a thumb right in the butthole.

"Just accept it. Embrace it.

"This is God's plan
for you, Amy.

"♪ Let it go ♪

♪ Let it go ♪"

And then, she didn't do it
and I was fucking furious.

Just...
What about my butthole?

I, uh...

I-- I would have let her
go down on me, I bet.

Like... I would let anyone
go down on me, actually.

Um... you ever
think about that?

Like, sometimes I'll see
people on the street,

I'm like, "How bad would
it get before I said no?"

Like, when would I...

I see kinda, like, a hot,
like, newly homeless dude.

Like, I mean, week one,
doesn't even have a sign

or a dog yet, you know,
just, like...

just got out there.

"Yes," I thought.
"Yes, that's fine."

Some family members...
like a cousin. Like...

Not like a cousin
you grew up playing with,

like just one that
you see at funerals,

like that kind of a distance.

He could go down on me.

Any girl, any girl.

I mean, I could never
go down on a girl, though.

I couldn't do it.

If a pussy were ever
in front of me

and it was, like, go time,
it would be like

I was, like, trying to jump
into Double Dutch.

I would be like...

(laughter, applause)

"I can't.
You're a beautiful girl.

"I'm so sorry, I can't.

Thank you
for braiding my hair."

Um...
(laughter)

I'm, like, seriously
winded from just,

like, moving my body
for two seconds.

They're like,
"Oh, she's gonna sweat again."

I, uh, before I left LA,

I-- my agent got me
courtside seats
to a Laker game.

And I don't care
about basketball,

or any sport, at all.

But courtside, I thought
it would be free booze,

and it's not, it turns out.

I'm like, "Do you have to be,
like, the point guard

to get a merlot?
This is horrible."

But I go to the game
and I was like,
"This is a fancy event.

Like, I want to
bring it, I want to
look great," you know?

And I did.
I put on, like, blush,

and like...
that's it, but, like...

(laughter)

Like, so much blush,
you know?

Like, a lot of blush and...

I was really kind of
feeling myself, you know?

I just walk in
and I'm like,

"Here I am.
Like, feast your eyes,"

and then the first
person I saw was
literally Kate Upton.

And I was like,
"Oh, I get it.

"I'm not a real woman,

I'm just harvesting
organs for one."

So if Kate was ever like,
"My liver feels weird,"

I'd be like, "Well, here,"
and then, like, bleed out.

And she'd be like,
"Do you have
anything smaller?"

And, uh...

I don't know why my,
like, liver's flopping
around her hand.

So I see Kate Upton
and I knew,

I knew she wanted
to talk to me

because beautiful girls
love funny girls.

They think we're
like clowns, you know?

Like, I just knew.

She's gonna, like, poke me.
Like, "Do your clown thing."

And I'm like,
"I don't want to."

But...

And funny girls do not
want anything to do

with beautiful girls.
And you guys are like,

"Amy, but you're both."
Oh, my God,

thank you guys
for all thinking that.

All of you, every one of you,
every single one of you,

and all my ex-boyfriends.

(cheers, whistles)
Oh, my God.

Like, you can have it all.

Um...

I don't like talking
to really hot people.

I'm very grossed out
being around someone gorgeous.

But my friend talked to her
and he was like,

"She was actually
really funny,"

and I was like, "Fuck you."

(laughter, cheers)

No way.

There's no way.

We just have
such low expectations

for hot-- for hot people
to be anything.

I'm like, "You were
probably blown away

she wasn't just
sitting there playing
with her tits and drooling

Like... (giggling)

I'm like, "What did she say
that was so funny?"

And he was like,
"Well, we were talking

"about playing pool later
and she was like,

'Get ready to lose.'"

I was like, "Oh, when's
her hour special coming
out on HBO?

What a great..."

(cheering, whistling)

Fuck you.

Wouldn't that have gone
so different if it were

like just
a normal-looking girl?

She's like,
"Get ready to lose."

They would have been like,
"Did you hear that cunt?

Like, what a fucking..."

But instead they were like,

"Oh, my God,
you should be Seinfeld."

Um...

Ugh. Attractive people
have their own weird rules.

They have hot people contests.

Did you ever see
a beauty pageant?

Has anybody?
Okay, here.

I saw "Miss USA" this year.
Here's what happens, okay?

These very tan...

very hungry... cadavers...

(laughter)

they walk back and forth...

across the stage
like they're haunting it.

Just...

You're like,
"We see you."

They're like,
"No, you don't." (groans)

And they make
them wear a sash

so they can remember
where they're from.

And these girls,
it's the weirdest thing.

Different outfits all night.
Just... (groans)

And they're so nervous.

And you're like,
"Why are they so nervous?

Like, they're just walking."

"Oh, this outfit.
What is it?"

But it's because
at the end of the night,

they make them do this thing,
it's so fucked up.

They dim the lights,
and they change the music,

and they make these poor girls
answer one question.

(laughter)

Just one.
They're just like--

The hosts are
very patient with them.

They're like,
"Okay, look, ladies,

"you knew this was coming.

You're gonna have
to form a sentence."

And they can't
believe they have to--

They're all holding
each other and weeping.

Like, "No! Words!"

And they can't do it.

And you know
they've been coached.

Like, just say "education"
and get the fuck out of there.

And they can't.

They can't do it.

The one who wins,
the one they crown the winner

is just the one that doesn't,
like, blurt out the N-word.

They're like,
"You did it!"

She's like,
"I did it!

But I was thinking it!"

They're like,
"Shh!"

Like,
"Oh!

(laughter)

I wanna thank
Michigan and..."

It's insane.

They all answer
like that one person

on "Family Feud"
that just blows it, you know?

I love "Family Feud,"
first of all.

Isn't it the best?

(cheering)

Everyone's in the same shirt
and they're just like,

"We're the White family!"

"And we're the Black family!"
And then...

And then there's
always one person.

It's like
a softball question, too.

It's like, "Favorite place
to see a movie."

(imitates buzzer)

"Microwave!"

(laughter)

And the family is like,
"Good answer. Good answer."

But you know
they're thinking,

"You're not gonna be buried
with the rest of us, okay?"

I want them to do
a "Where Are They Now?"

with people who blew it
on "Family Feud."

Like...

(laughter)

just, like, ten years later.

Forget about
the plane ride home,

which you know is horrible.

It's like Thanksgiving
ten years from then

and he's like,
"Can somebody pass
the mashed potatoes?"

They're like,
"Why don't you look

"in the microwave, Terry?
You fucking idiot!

Watch a movie
while you're in there!"

So anyway, I'm at this
Laker game and, uh...

(laughter)

Actually, I, um,
I didn't see "Miss America,"

but I heard
that the girl, like,

had a really good response.

They asked her, like,
"How would you solve ISIS?"

And, yeah,
she had a good answer,

but, like, why are
you asking her that?

Like, in the middle of her--
Like they're just gonna, like,

chopper her to the Pentagon
and be like...

Obama's gonna be like,
"We like what we heard
back there,

we want to hear more."
Like, why?

The whole reason I got
tickets to the game, um,

he gave me these seats
because he thought

I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me...

which I wasn't.

Like, I'm 33.

I really appreciate
that shit right now.

I just...

You know, when
you're in your 20s,

if you walk
past a construction site

and they're like, "Yeah,"
you're like,

"How dare you!
My secret bits!"

But...
(laughter)

In your 30s, you walk past
and you're like,

"What about this, huh?"

My skirt's, like,
over my head.

I'm like... "Aah!"

They're like,
"We're eating."

I'm like... "Aah!"

That shit changes.
It does.

Who here is in their 40s?

(cheering)

What about 30s?

(loud cheering)

20s?

(louder cheering)

Do you hear that hope?
Remember?

Do you remember 20s hope?

Do you? I kinda do.

You know,
you just walk around

like, "Everything's gonna
work out.

Everybody's always gonna
want to fuck me!"

And then you're like,
"Oh, cool.

Cellulite on my
hands and feet."

Um...

In your 20s, you're
so corrupt with power,

especially if you're
in love in your 20s.

Remember 20s love?
You're just so arrogant.

You're like,
"We're so lucky
we found each other.

What are all
these sad songs about?"

(scoffing)

I think of 20s love
the same as the tsunami,

because I read that
in the tsunami,
the tide was way in,

so, fish were flopping
around the shore

and people were,
like, psyched.

They were gathering
them with baskets.

Like,
"I can't believe my luck.
Look at all these fish!"

That's, like, 20s love.

You're like,
"For me and me!"

And then you're like,
"Oh, fuck!"

And it murders you.

But yeah.

But enjoy it.

Um...

(laughter, cheers)

Enjoy it.

(humming nonchalantly)

That's why I'm so annoyed
I'm single again.

That means I'm gonna have
to go out with a new dude
and he'll--

We'll go to the movies
and he'll be like,

"Do you want
to get a popcorn?"

and I'll be
like, "Oh, my God,

"I hadn't even
thought about it.

"Um... that's not
the whole reason

I wanted to come see
this piece of shit movie."

I've left so many movies
right after the previews

'cause I finished my popcorn.

And then he's like,
"What size do you want?"

and I'm like... (giggles)
"Small, look at me."

Meanwhile,
a small popcorn, like,

that's like
taking one Advil.

Like, get the fuck
out of here.

It's like taking six Xanax.

Like, why are
you wasting my time?

Small popcorn.

And then
the cashier is like,

"For $15, you can
get one more handful,"

and I'm like,
"That sounds like
a great deal. We'll take it."

You sit in there
and you're supposed to act

like you're not thinking
about the popcorn

and you're just
watching the movie, like,

"Oh, I forgot that
we even had popcorn."

But really,
I just want to, like,

push his eyes
in with my thumbs...

and just dump the popcorn
all over my face and head

and just run out screaming,
"You would have found out
anyway, motherfucker!"

(applause, cheers)

So I'm single.

Um...
(laughter)

I know, you guys
are all thinking,

like, "Amy, this is all great,
but how do we date you?"

Um, you can't.

And not just 'cause I'm not
totally out of the woods

with this UTI, but also...
(laughter)

I am not on any dating sites.

Like, the only app
I have on my phone

like that is Foodspotting,

which is like Tinder
but for food.

So, it lets you know
about foods in your area.

Uh...

Like the other day
I was, like, eyeing up,

like, this one scone
and it was under a mile away,

I was like,
"Is this a coincidence?
Like, I don't--"

It's like, "Yes."

And then, uh...
I'm like, "Should I go?"

and my friends are like,
"Go! Like, go! See!"

and I'm like, "Okay."

So I went
and I kind of, like,

sidled up to the scone
and it's like,

"Oh, my God, you look
just like your picture.

Do you want to come
home with me?"

(chews loudly)

Um...

(giggles)

And I was, like,
I was hungry,

so I was putting
a little butter on saltines...

but then I kinda took
a look at myself.

I'm like,
"Hold on, Amy.

"Like, you're not
Martha Stewart,

"just put the butter
and the cracker

in your mouth and they'll
find each other in there."

Who am I? I'm like
the "Barefoot Contestant"
or whatever.

I'm like, "Uh!"

Dirtying a knife.

So, I was dating someone
for a little bit this year.

I was dating
an infectious disease doctor

'cause two birds.

And...
(laughter)

What do you want?

And he wound up being a,
like, an insane alcoholic

and that's my thing.

Uh...

I feel like in most
relationships, there's, like,

one alcoholic,
and then, like, one person

who's sad about it,
and I wanted to be,
like, the fun one.

So, I called my mom, um,

because nothing
makes her happier

than me being alone,

and she's like,
"Oh, my God, will I be
seeing you more?"

Um...
and I'm like, "Yes, Mom,"

and she starts
giving me advice.

She's like,
"Am, you need to love
like you've never been hurt,"

and I'm like,
"Are you reading off of
a bumper sticker right now?"

Like... she's like, "Dance
like no one's watching."

Like, dance like a couple
of people are watching.

Right? Even if you're alone,
maybe hold it together.

Cross the street
like no cars-- What?

I was thinking
about this last night

and I was having
a little, um, wine and...

weed and an Ambien, um...

or as I call it,
tucking myself in.

Um...

(cheering, whistling)

Good night, moon. And...

I...

I am a good person.
I swear to you.

Like, I'm very old-school.

I think the guy
should always pay

on the first date
for sex and...

I'm a romantic.

I'm labeled a sex comic.

Like, that's in interviews.

People are always like,
"So you-- you talk about sex,"

and I'm like... I think
it's just 'cause I'm a girl.

I feel like a guy could
get up here and literally

pull his dick out
and everybody would be like,

"He's a thinker."
But...

(laughter, cheers)
Right?

It's true.

But then I mention one UTI
and everyone just thinks

I walk around leaving,
like, a snail trail of cum,

I'm just like...

And they're like,
"Oh, Amy's been here."

Cum is unsettling, isn't it?

I don't say that
to shock you or--

or get your attention--
Like, "Oh, no she didn't."

Like, I'm just reminding
you that we're all disgusting.

No one in here is better
than anyone else.

Like, you've all caught
a hot load, you know?

Like, if that provides
you with discomfort,

you're just looking
at it the wrong way.

We need to be
nicer about cum.

We really do.

Cum gives us life, you know?

Gandhi was cum.

Oprah-- cum.

Oprah could have wound up
all over somebody's tits,

but no...
we got Oprah.

(cheers, whistles)

Thank you, cum.

And yes, it is sticky
and gross and no one ever

wants it in their mouth
ever, ever, ever, but...

we need to change
how we're thinking about it.

It's not a wonderfully
regal moment

as a woman
when you take a load.

Um... when someone cums
in you, you're not like,

"We can do it.
I'm glad I leaned in."

It's not--

But it's a fact of life.

All the greatest women
have dealt with it, okay?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Diane Sawyer.

Michelle Obama, who I love,
like the rest of us,

probably once a week
has to carefully walk
to the bathroom.

Just squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish,

squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.

It's the White House.
It's probably a long hallway.

Squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.

And with her perfect arms,
she has to deal with it.

Just...

"This is more than normal.
I wonder what's..."

Barack's like,
"Get out here. I want
to talk about those e-mails."

She's like, "I'm cleaning
out your troops right now."

Yeah, I am labeled
a sex comic and...

I just think that sex
is explained incorrectly

as far as men
and women's roles go.

It's like, we're all told
over and over again,

men love sex and women
just deal with it, right?

Like, every article,
every sitcom,

it's always the guy
getting home from work like,

"Honey, how about
tonight, huh?"

And she's always like,
"Blah! You know I hate
your dick. Laundry, laundry."

It's insane.

I don't know
any girls like that.

Every girl I know
likes having sex.

I love having sex.

Not a weird amount,
but like a normal person.

All of my friend-- I mean,
one of them doesn't,

but we think something,
like, happened to her.

But... but you're made
to feel really disgusting

and weird if you're a girl
who likes to have sex.

Like, I've dated some guy--

I would say 50%
in the relationships,

I initiate the sex,
and then 50%
we don't have it.

Um...

No, but I've been
in relationships where

it's always the dude,
like (grunts)

and then you, like, later
realize he was a sex addict,

which-- Have you ever
dated a sex addict?

It's so fun at first
when you don't know.

You're like, "Am I the hottest
piece of ass in the world?"

And then you're like,
"Oh, no, he would
fuck a mailbox."

Um...

Which is why
I'm dressed like this.

Uh... but...

And then, you know,
I've dated guys where I always

have to initiate
and that's embarrassing.

It's because I used to
fuck really dumb guys

and I miss that
so very, very much.

Dumb guys really pound you...

'cause they're dumb.

I love men, though.
I really do.

I was on the subway
the other day

and I heard these two guys
having this conversation.

So there's two of them.
They're standing

on the subway
and they're like...

He's like,
"Dude, you gotta
go to this bar.

They give you chips as
soon as you sit down."

And the other guy goes,
"Yeah, but they don't
refill 'em, right?"

He's like,
"They refill 'em
the whole time.

He goes, "Sick!"

And then they were quiet
for, like, ten stops.

Just kinda like...

just, like, basking
in the great exchange.

I just-- I just
loved them, you know?

I just looked at them like,
"I want that.

Why can't that be me?"

'Cause you know,
if it had been two girls,

I would have been
looking, thinking,

"That's so cool that these
two special needs women...

found each other, you know?"

If it had been
me and a girlfriend

and I was like,
"They give you chips.

(laughter)

(cheers, applause)

They give you--"
You'd be like,

"Oh, my God,
where's their stop?

Like, don't they
have an attendant?"

You'd be worried.

But I like creative types.

I fucked up.
I got to an age,

I want to be
able to have a conversation
with someone, like an idiot,

and the creative types,
they're all... ugh,

like, comics and artists.

They all--
You have to treat

their dick like
a soufflé in the oven.

You can't make
a big motion

or loud noise near it
or it'll fall

and you have to start over
with a good attitude.

(grunts)

Is that how
you jerk someone off?

Am I doing it?

It's crazy.

Like, we--
It's crazy that we get--

we get guilted about this.

Like, women wanna cum.

Of course we wanna cum.

What girls are having sex

like, "Oh, no, I'm just--
I'm just honored to be

"witnessing your process.
I-- It's just so cool

"to be a part of--
No, I don't want to feel

"the one good thing
we're allowed as humans.

No, I-- This is just you.
Please, anywhere."

Um...

Make your girls cum, guys.

It's just
explained incorrectly.

It's just...

I remember
as a very young girl,

too young, it was
broken down for me.

It was like,
"Be careful, Amy.

"Men only want one thing.

They are all gonna
try and fuck you!"

I was like, "Okay."

And then I waited.

"Let's see.
Am I on the wrong street?

Are they..."

I do like talking about sex.

I like hearing
about it more.

Like, I love hearing
sex acts, you know?

There's, like, terms for all
those-- all that stuff.

Like, there's a...
the donkey punch, you know,

or, like,
the dirty Sanchez.

These are the ones--
the classics

that we all grew
up with, right?

Those are, like,
the "To Kill a Mockingbird"

of sex terms.

But there are so many
that you've never heard of.

I love hearing new ones.

There's, like...
there's the dirty Rochester...

Did you ever hear of that?

Okay, that is where
the guy shits on your chest

while he's on a business
trip to Rochester.

Is that maybe
not really a thing

and I was perhaps lied to?

I love-- There--
there's the dolphin.

That's where the guy tries
to put it in the girl's butt

and she goes,
"Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh."

That's, like,
a fun family one.

There's...

the Alaskan pipeline,
which, um...

a guy shits in a condom,
freezes it...

and then you know what?

I won't say
the end of it

'cause it doesn't end,
like, in a super romantic,

like, "Notebook-y" type way.

She doesn't like,
pull it out and find

a ring on it
and say, like, "Yes!"

There's no good one
for the girl.

There's no, like,
wacky Shirley where she sits

on his face
and reads her tweets,

like, there's nothing.

We have nothing.

Does anyone know one
that's good for the girl?
Anybody?

No, right?

I asked that--
I asked that

in the first show
and somebody said the minivan.

Two in the front,
five in the back, and...

I don't even know what
he was referring to, actually.

Do you guys know any?
I love hearing new ones.

Does anybody have-- Huh?

Man: The angry dragon.
The angry dragon?
What is that?

Um, basically, when you're--

When a girl
is sucking your dick--

When a girl
is sucking your dick--

Oh, my-- Wait, I love
how your girlfriend looks
right now.

She's like, "Please..."

You're his mom?
Oh, my God!

This is totally
your fault, Mom!

This beautiful boy you raised.

Well, let's hear the story
of how you were born.

Go ahead.

Angry dragon.

All right. Uh, basically
when you're about to climax,

when you're getting a blowjob,
you push her head--

When you're about to climax,
you push her head...

You push her head
at the back of her--

I like that
he's acting it out.

Like, he's like,
"This is what
it looks like! Yes!"

...and the jizz goes
up through the nose.

Up through the nose.

What's your name?

What is it? George?

Jordan.

Jordan, I think
you're grounded.

(laughter, cheers)

I love you, Mom.

Thank you for bringing him.

For raising him
into the perfect gentleman.

There's none that
are good for the girl.

There's one called the raccoon
where you just punch her

in both eyes
and knock over her trash.

Like, they're not...

That doesn't even make sense.

There's the Abraham Lincoln.

That's where he--
the guy trims his pubes,

cums on the girl's face,
and then... (blows)
throws the pubes...

so she has that facial hair.

You guys don't
like US history?

I can't gauge the crowd.

What's wrong?

The worst one
I've ever heard

is the Houdini,
which is where

the guy's having sex
with the girl from behind,

then unbeknownst to her,
his friend subs in for him.

Guy number one runs outside,

knocks on the window,
waves to the girl...

which is just rape.

Like, that's just rape.

It's not fair to Houdini.

Like, no girl is gonna
think that's hilarious.

No girl's gonna be
like, "What?

"Ahh!

(cheers, applause)

"Baby, I thought you were
fucking me, but it's Phil!

I love you!"

Thank you so much, Apollo!

Muah!

(whistling, cheering)

(rap music playing)

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Man, uh ♪

♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪

♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪

♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

♪ I beez in the trap ♪

♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪

Young Amy:
♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪

♪ Some old and then
some new tricks ♪

♪ I'm very versatile ♪

Man:
Mm-hmm.

♪ And if you're real good ♪

♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

♪ I want
your spirits to climb ♪

♪ So let me entertain you ♪

♪ And we'll have
a real good time, oh boy ♪

♪ And we'll have
a real good time ♪

Woman:
So easy!