All language subtitles for White Oleander (2002)

Everybody asks
why I started at the end

and worked back
to the beginning.

The reason is simple.

I couldn't understand
the beginning

until I'd reached the end.

There were too many
pieces of the puzzle missing.

Too much she would never tell.

I could sell these things.
People want to buy them.

But I'd set all this
on fire first.

She'd like that.

That's what she would do.

She'd make it just to burn it.

I couldn't afford this one,

but the beginning deserves
something special.

But how do I show that nothing,

not a taste, not a smell,

not even the color of the sky

has ever been as clear and sharp

as it was
when I belonged to her.

I don't know how to express

that being
with someone so dangerous

was the last time
that I felt safe.

The Santa Anas blew in hot
from the desert that fall.

Only the oleanders thrived.

Maybe the wind was the reason
my mother did what she did.

If it was,
I wouldn't have known.

I lived in her shadow then.

She was

the most beautiful woman
I'd ever seen.

I know everybody thinks that
when they're small,

but she was
the most beautiful woman

most people had ever seen.

He came into our lives
without warning.

She ignored him at first.

He wasn't her type.

We laughed about him,
his persistence.

"Never let a man
spend the night,"

she said.

"Never apologize,
never explain."

She was breaking
all her rules...

and it would change everything.

What are you doing up here?

Come sit next to me.

It's the best place
to feel the wind.

I can feel it from here.

No, you can't.

It's okay.

You should get some sleep.

I never sleep.

I've been up here for hours.

I had the most amazing idea

for how to use my Polaroids
in the Newport show.

I'm going to skip work today.

Keep going until I finish.

You're still coming
to Parents' Night,

aren't you?

Oh, God, I forgot.

I made plans
to go to Greta's opening.

All the other parents go.

What can they tell me about you
that I don't know already know?

Time is up! Pencils down.

Papers, please. Thank you.

Thank you.

Time, Astrid.

Is your mother coming tonight?

No.

She has other plans.

More important than
Parents' Night?

She's an artist.

She doesn't care about things
like Parents' Night.

Right.

Don't forget, you guys,
chapters 17 and 18 for tomorrow.

Finished my mug shots.

What do you think?

They're great.

No.

You're not looking.

You can't be an artist
if you don't see.

Why do you think they're great?

I don't know.

They're lonely.

It's me in the center.

It's our secret.

You can't tell anybody.

I won't.

I never tell our secrets.

It's the deer-in-
the-headlights look.

It's hilarious.

How long has this
been going on?

Couple months.

His wife will figure
it out sooner or later.

Ah, she's an idiot.

Cinema Scene.

It's Barry Kolker again.

Tell him I was killed

in a climbing accident
in the Himalayas.

Barry, she's still out of town.

We don't have any eggs.

We never have any eggs.

Barry can take us out
to breakfast.

Barry spent the night?

Yeah.

I bet he's still out of town
on that assignment.

I called the magazine.

He got back three days ago.

Well, he's probably working.

He doesn't call when he works.

He doesn't call

when he's getting what he wants
from somebody else.

I don't think we should do this.

He'll get mad.

I'll just say we were
in the neighborhood.

He won't believe us.

You're not my type.

You're not my type.

What happened?

He has a date.

He made love to me
and then said I had to leave

because he has a date.

You're under arrest for
the murder of Barry Kolker.

They can't keep me!

I'll be back in an hour!

You must be Astrid?

I'm Miss Martinez

from Children's Services.

I'm here to pick you up.

If you need more time to pack,

I can give you 15 minutes,
but that's it.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm waiting for my mother
to come home.

Your mother
won't be coming home...

at least not for a while.

In accordance with the laws
of the state of California,

I sentence you
to the term prescribed by law

for murder in the first degree.

Not less than 35 years to life
in a maximum security prison.

Hello, Starr. How are you?

I'm fine!

How are you?

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

But y'all must be starving
after that long drive.

I hope you like olive loaf,

because I made enough
to feed an army.

How was the traffic?

It was bad downtown,

but it cleared up
pretty fast. Astrid?

There you go.

Astrid Magnussen,
this is Starr Thomas.

It is so nice to meet you,
Astrid.

Come on in!

Let me help you with that.

Was it a long drive?

Yeah.

I hope you didn't bring
a ton of stuff

because you have to
share a bedroom

with my daughter, Carolee.

So this is our home.

This is where
we have company, usually.

And then in here is
the kitchen, and what not.

The boys sleep in here,
in the living room

because we don't have
enough bedrooms.

That's Davey, in the glasses,
and Owen.

This is Astrid, boys.

You say hi?

Carolee?

I said get out here, right now.

Let's just go in there.

This is Carolee, my daughter.

Make some room, okay?

And this is where you're
going to be sleeping.

And she'll clean
all that up, don't worry.

Don't mind her. She's hormonal.

The problem is
she hasn't been saved.

What about you?

What?

Have you accepted Jesus Christ
as your personal savior?

I don't know.

Well, when you do,
he'll be waiting.

This is where Ray and I sleep,
and the bathroom is right here.

Let's go back in here.

Ray's home late tonight
because it's his poker night.

And he's a good man, and all,

but don't talk to him
about Jesus.

He acts like
he's the repo man or something,

not a carpenter like him.

You must be the new addition.

I'm Ray.

Or Uncle Ray,
but that's Starr's idea.

Not mine.

I'm Astrid.

It's nice to meet you, Astrid.

You coming in?

How come?

I'm thinking.

What about?

My mother.

Starr was telling me about her.

She's doing time
for killing her boyfriend?

Yeah, well, those things happen.

Come in when you're ready, okay?

That slut thinks
she can tell me what to do?

She said I was grounded.

She's the mother
in The Brady Bunch.

Listen to that.

Saved by Jesus.

She's such a hypocrite.

They shouldn't be doing it.
They're not even married.

Reverend Daniels
always sniffing around here,

blah-blah-ing about Jesus.

All he really wants to do
is to look at her ass.

Don't forget
to leave the window open.

Don't look at me like that.

You're no different than I am.

You just don't know it yet.

I'm going to kill you!

I'll strangle you!

You bloody bitch!

Sin is a virus.

That's what
Reverend Thomas says.

It's infecting the whole
country like the clap.

You know they got a clap now
you can't get rid of?

I think we've got
every excuse in the book.

"What's wrong
if I shovel coke up my nose?

Who's it hurting?"

"What's wrong with wanting
to feel good all the time?

Who does it hurt?"

Well, it hurts us.

And it hurts Jesus.

Because it's wrong.

I don't know
how you can swallow that shit.

"He who believeth in me,
though he was dead,

yet will he live."

And don't you forget it, missy.

Here we are.

Are you kidding?

It's a miracle I'm not dead.

They took my kids away
and everything.

I was an alcoholic,
I was a coke head,

I was dancing topless,
you name it.

Shut up, for Christ's sake.
People are staring.

Astrid, look! Look at that!

That is going to go perfect
with your new shoes!

I mean, I really felt like that!

"Who cares if I hang my tits
in some stranger's face?"

It's nobody's business but mine.

You know what? This is
going to be good on you.

Astrid, those are ugly shoes.

Snakes don't bite
above the ankle.

Well, take my word for it,

you're better off
being bitten by snakes

than dressing for them.

Carolee, we need to get her
some bras.

Carolee had her first bra
when she was nine.

You don't want them things
hanging to your knees

when you're 30.

Try it on.
That'll be good on you.

Carolee, will Ray love that?

Look that. That is so nice!

Hurry, Astrid. It's here!

I told you you were
going to miss it!

Astrid. This one is for you.

Who is it from?

My mother.

I didn't think
she knew where I was.

Dear Astrid,

have you been getting
my letters?

It's been six months.
Why don't you write?

It's only a few minutes

before they turn out the lights.

I can hear the women screaming
in their cells.

We're both in prison, you and I,

punished for our strength
and our independence.

Don't forget who you are.

The best part of me
is well-hidden,

and you have to do the same.

Remember it all,
every insult, every tear.

What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter
to my mother.

You ever write your dad?

I don't know where he is.

I never met him.

He left when I was two.

Your mother tell you
much about him?

No.

Aren't you curious?

I think about
what he would think of me.

He probably thinks
you're still two.

That's how
I remember my son, Seth.

You have a son?

Yeah.

Hey, Ray!

Hey, Patty.

You're going to the Jesus show?

Aren't you coming?

To Bible study? No.

In my opinion, if there's a God,

he sure as hell
ain't worth praying to.

That sounds like something
my mother would say.

She wouldn't even take me to the
Christmas pageant at school.

She made me
beg a ride off another kid.

Hey, Ray.

How you doing, Reverend?

I don't think
he likes me very much.

Why don't you and Starr
get married?

Because I'm already married.

Astrid, come on in.
We're starting.

Okay, I'm coming.

Where's your wife?

Who knows?

I haven't seen her or my son
in over five years.

I baptize you

in the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Do you believe in God now?

Maybe it's not such a bad thing

to believe in something.

It's better to know things.

Why?

What does knowing things
get you?

Does it tell you the difference

between right or wrong?

She didn't kill that guy alone.

I knew what my mother
was doing, you know?

I could've saved his life
but I didn't.

Come on.

I'm going to kill you, Ingrid!

You think there was something
valuable on that hard disk?

Maybe a collection of essays

due at the publisher's
this fall.

You bloody bitch!

You can't do this to me!

You don't know
what I can do.

Know your inmate's number.

No number, no visit.

Hey, baby.

Astrid Magnussen?

Astrid? Follow me.

Momma.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't cry.

We're not like that.

We're the Vikings, remember?

You're so beautiful.

Prison agrees with me.

There's no hypocrisy here.

Kill or be killed,
and everybody knows it.

Do they hurt you?

Not as much as I hurt them.

I won't be in here forever,
I promise you that.

One day,
you'll look out your window,

and I'll be there.

Your hair smells like clover.

I want to remember you
just like this

in that sadly hopeful
pink dress.

Starr picked it out.

Of course she did.

What's that?

Nothing.

It's just a cross.

I know it's a cross.

Why are you wearing it?

It's a present from Starr.

She force you to go to church?

They're really nice people.

It's called the Assembly of God.

To join,

you have to accept Christ
as your personal savior.

Then you're baptized.

They call it being washed
in the blood of the lamb.

But really it's just water.

Have you accepted Christ
as your personal savior?

There's nothing wrong
with being a Christian.

Are you out of your mind?

How did this happen?

I raised you.

Not a pack
of Bible-thumping trailer trash.

I raised you
to think for yourself.

No, you didn't.

You raised me to think like you.

And maybe thinking for yourself

isn't so great.

Reverend Daniels says it's evil.

Evil?

If thinking for yourself
is evil,

then every artist is evil.

Is that what you believe?

Now that you've been washed

in the blood of the lamb?

Man's ability to reason is evil.
Am I evil?

No.

No...

But killing people
who don't want you is evil.

We pray for your
redemption every Sunday.

Fuck my redemption.
I don't want to be redeemed.

I regret nothing.

- Attention, please.
- Visiting hours are over.

It's good that you're trying
to identify evil, Astrid.

But evil is tricky.

Just when you think
you know what it is,

it changes its form.

Learning its nature takes
a lifetime of study.

I will not lose you.

Not to them.

Those people
are the enemy, Astrid.

Visiting hours are over.

Write to me.

Time's up.

Write to me.
At least once a week.

I'm the only person you know
who can keep you honest.

Don't forget who you are,
Astrid.

You're my daughter
and you're perfect, remember?

How far away is it?

About a mile.

Maybe two.

Shouldn't we pack up and go?

Not yet.

The wind is still in our favor.

My mother used
to love fire season.

She made me decide what I'd take
if we had to go.

She said if I was brave,
I wouldn't take anything.

Your mother sounds tough.

Not like you.

What am I like?

You, you're...

you're a sweetheart.

Astrid, honey.

Astrid?

Come on in here a minute.

Sit down. I won't bite.

You're having fun here
aren't you?

Making yourself at home,
getting comfortable?

A little too comfortable,
I'd say.

I may not be some genius,
but I'm getting your game.

And believe me,
it takes one to know one.

One what?

Always hanging around,
handling his tools.

"What's this for, Uncle Ray?
Can I help you, Uncle Ray?"

We're not doing anything.

I'm calling Children's Services
I want you to know.

It's all over for you,
little missy.

But... Don't "but" me.

He is a man.

And he sees what he sees,
and he does what he can.

I've got a nice thing
going here.

Ray is the best man I ever had,

and I've lived too long

and come too far to blow it now.

I never had a father.

Don't.

I've got myself and my
own kids to worry about.

You and me, we hardly
know each other.

I don't owe you a thing.

Jesus would give me a chance.

Well, I'm not Jesus,
not even close.

He might be mad...

if he knew you sent me away
because you were jealous.

You're trying
to make him a prisoner.

He's going to hate you.

What do you know about men?

I know that men don't like women
who try to own them.

I like you.

I like the kids.

I would never do anything
to screw it up.

You swear
you're not interested in him?

I swear to God.

There! Did you see it?

I'm not sure.

You see anything yet?

It's just starting.

But we should be getting
40 an hour pretty soon.

The Quadrantid

is the shortest-lived
meteorite shower,

but the densest,
except for the Perseids.

You and Starr,
you having a beef?

No. Why?

Just something she said.

Guess it's hard,
getting older...

pretty girl
coming up in the house.

Ray, honey?

What are you doing out here?

Nothing, baby.
Just having a smoke.

Looking at the stars.

And this is 40 dollars,

not even 40 dollars a month.

And you waste

200 dollars in one night?

And you been doing it weekly.

Listen, I won last week.

What else you doing
with the money, Ray?

You can't even look at me!

I'm looking right at you.

You weren't when
I asked you that question.

And you got your car out there.

God knows what
you spend on that.

That comes out of my pocket.
No, it doesn't.

Don't ruin this.

Ruin what?

She's drinking again.

And who else were you with?

I saw you eyeing her
the other day.

Thought you were all
going to a movie?

I had a lot of homework.

How come
you aren't playing poker?

The game got cancelled.

They coming home soon?

Not too long.

Well, there's plenty of food,
if you want.

Thanks.

This isn't right.

Is everyone gone?

It is all my business!

This is my house!

You have to abide

by the laws that I put down!

I waited up for you
all night long.

I want to know
who you were with.

Don't give me your shit!

You stayed up all night
to drink!

I stayed up to catch you,
you whore!

You should know.

Try it again,
I'll take you out, bitch.

Carolee!

You walk out that door,
don't bother coming back.

Why the hell would I want to?

I've been down this road
with you before,

Mom.

Sorry, Davey.

I can't go through this again.

Carolee!

You used to like it fine

before you started doing
that little bitch!

Admit it, you bastard!
You're screwing her!

Call your sponsor.
Screw my sponsor!

Go back to bed.

I should've gotten rid of her
when I had the chance.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go in there,
and I'm going to cash her check.

Hey, Starr, stop it.

Hey! Stop!

What the hell is wrong...?

Get off of me!

Starr!

Starr!

Get off of me, goddamn it!
Get off of me!

No, don't cry.

We're not like that.

We're the Vikings, remember?

Astrid?

Astrid? Can you talk to me?

Astrid. Talk to me.

Can you talk to me?

Okay, she's coming around.

This boy saved your life.

If he hadn't called 911,
you'd be dead.

Who did this to you?
Who shot you?

I don't know.

Watch your feet.

Where's Ray, Davey?

He's gone.

They're both gone!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I ruined it.

Doesn't matter.

Something would have.

Bye, Astrid.

Watch the step.

We got you, Astrid.

Okay, step.

We'd prefer to find you
a permanent placement,

but we have so many children
on our books right now.

The hospital said
you need special attention

which you'll get
at McKinney Hall.

They have all sorts
of activities

for young people.

You're dead, bitch!
You hear me? You are dead.

Don't you ever look at my
boyfriend again, you hear me?

Don't ever look
at my boyfriend again.

If you look at my boyfriend,
you're dead!

The next time you and
your friends jump me,

I'll cut your throats
when you're sleeping.

What do you want?

I was looking at your picture.

It's good.

Who is it?

How come
you chopped off your hair?

None of your business.

You're still beautiful.

Looks don't interest me.

That's easy for you to say,
you've never been ugly.

Oh, look.

It's the puta.

She's so ugly now, huh?

You're not ugly.

You write as if

you're surprised to find me
still beautiful, even here.

Our beauty is our power,
our strength.

We can't allow them
to change us, to lessen us.

I will never grant them
that satisfaction,

and neither should you.

So is this
your first time in Mac?

Figured.

You're so unfriendly.

Life is easier without friends.

Maybe.

I like it here.

It's better
than being in a foster home.

It's the floor
you can't fall below.

What's that?

A letter.

From who?

My mother.

And where is she?

In prison. For murder.

And your father?

Don't know the guy.

How about you?

Oh, they were junkies.

She O.D.'d when I was six,

and he disappeared
a couple years later.

I was born addicted to heroin.

Really? What was that like?

I don't know.

I was out of rehab by the time
I was six months old.

So...

What's the deal? Are you gay?

What?

I don't know, I get this
funny feeling from you,

like you're not interested
in guys.

You're right, I'm not.

You think that's funny?

I'm sick of this. I'm not going
to let you do this again.

Why don't you shut up, okay?

What if they catch us?

They'd put us in McKinney Hall.

Come on!

The guy is a genius.

I started out
copying his stuff, but...

I could never touch him.

He's great.

But you're better.

You're insane.

No, I'm not.

He's a great cartoonist,
but you're an artist.

What's the difference?

That's like asking
why a joke is funny.

Either it's funny or it's not.

You're either an artist
or you're not.

You are.

That's good.

There's another one!
Do you see it.

Yeah.

The Lyrids shower
is visible most of the night.

The brightest star is Vega...

but you can't look right at it

or you'll miss
the fainter meteors.

You can trace them back to Lyra.

How do you know all that?

A kid I used to know.

I used to have a foster home
right over there.

It's nice living on the beach.

Do you ever think about
your father?

Not really. He was an asshole.

I think about mine sometimes.

That when I'm an artist,

he'll read about me
in the papers

and he'll want to meet me.

I'm not gay.

I know that.

I'll show you
the one he did of me.

It's right...

right here.

They're not bad
for what they are.

For what they are?

What are they?

Cartoons.

No, they're not.

They're so much more than that.

He's really talented.

Don't do it again, Astrid.

Do what again?

Attach yourself

to anyone who shows you
the least bit of attention

because you're lonely.

Loneliness
is the human condition.

No one is ever going to
fill that space.

The best you can do
is know yourself,

know what you want,

and don't let the cattle
get in the way.

You're not talking about me.

You're talking about yourself.

Sometimes I get the feeling

you don't even want me
to be happy.

Why wouldn't I want you
to be happy?

Where are they sending you?

I don't know.

Look...

The comic book store
will hold letters for me.

Wherever they take you,
keep checking there.

Why do we have to go all the way
to Mexico to buy this stuff?

It isn't FDA approved.

What's it called?

DMSO.

What's it for?

All sorts of things.

You'll like these people.

She's an actress and he does
something in television.

Do they have any kids?

No. They're looking to adopt.

She's had
an incredibly hard time.

She's very smart,

she's just missed
a lot of school.

Mm.

Look, you don't have
to decide immediately.

Okay.

Just talk to her,

and if you're uncomfortable
in any way,

you just let me know.

There you are.

I'm really sorry that Mark
couldn't be here to meet you,

but he's filming
in Nova Scotia, so...

Well, this is it!

I left it plain on purpose

because I thought

that way you could put
your own things up.

I like the D rer watercolor.

You know who D rer is?

My mother is an artist.

Oh. That's right. Of course.

Of course, they said that.

Hey, listen, do you want
some tea or something?

Or Pepsi. I bought Pepsi.

I mean, I didn't know
what you'd drink.

Or we have juice.

I could make you
a smoothie if you like.

Would you like a smoothie?

Tea is fine.

I walk, I walk, stop...

look...

And now I die.

You're really good.

Do you know
what a nightmare it is?

It's such a nightmare.

I mean, you spend
all this time getting ready,

ages, getting ready,

drag yourself
down to this audition

so they can look at you
for two seconds,

and tell you
that you're too ethnic,

or too classic, too something.

Too ethnic? Mm-hm.

It means brunette.

And too classic means old.

And... too small?

Breasts.

Why do you do it then?

What do you mean?

Give up show business?

Come on!

Here. To your first
run on the beach.

Well done. Never again.

How is your shoulder?

It's fine.

You did really well!
Really, really well.

What was...

the best day of your life?

Today.

What should we do later?

I don't know.
What do you want to do?

Swim?

Okay.

Oh, my God!

He's back early!

Mark!

You must be Astrid.

It took us three hours
to get him back in there.

The whole film crew
is gathered around.

He still almost chickens out.

I think he thought

it was going to come back

and try and finish him off.

What would you have done
if it had?

I would have ducked.

Perfect.

Just right there.

Well, cheers.

Cheers. Cheers, Astrid.

We've got some
catching up to do.

Claire tells me
you're quite an artist.

Not really.

She's wonderful!

In fact, we went to see Trish,

and she's accepted Astrid

for one of
her watercolor classes.

At the museum? Mm-hm. Yeah.

She loves Astrid's work.

You should show him!

They're really,
really beautiful.

And she's never even studied.

She's completely self-taught.

Is that right? Mm-hm.

Is she all right?

I know you're perfect.

I'm not perfect.

Of course you are.
You're my daughter.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Just thinking.

Are you getting my letters?

Yes.

I can never be sure.

I get them.

Why doesn't she have
any children?

She can't have them.

You dress like her now.

She takes me shopping.

What's her husband like?

He's nice.

He's gone a lot.

So you spend
most of your time with Claire?

Yeah.

I'd like to meet her.

Why?

Because you don't want me to.

Who did this belong to?

That was my great aunt's,
on my father's side.

She was a field nurse at Ypres.

Very, very brave woman.

It's pretty, isn't it?

And whose was this?

It was my mother's.

My father gave it to her.

My parents were
completely inseparable.

Not at all like Mark and I.

I hate it when he has
to go away for so long.

Why don't you go with him?

He says it slows him down.

I think it's because
he's having an affair.

He wouldn't have an affair.

He loves you.

Yeah, I know.

If he did,
I would never know about it.

You're just being paranoid.

Yeah, that's what he says.

I "can be very negative."

Should I put this here?

Yeah, perfect.

Everything ready inside?

You're leaving tomorrow?

Mm-hm. In the morning.

I bet Claire would love
to go with you.

Coordinating our schedules
is difficult.

She's not working,
she could fit into yours.

What about you?

Doesn't she need
to be here for you?

Yeah.

How is she these days,
when I'm gone?

She okay?

She's fine.

Why do you ask?

No reason.

You're back early.

How long has my mother
been writing you?

Oh... not long.

We've only written to each other
a couple of times.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because she asked me not to.

She thought that
you wouldn't like it.

Her letter was so powerful.

She's so strong.

And God, she's talented.

We'd like to meet.

Whose idea was that?

Mine.

I bet.

I really love your work.

What have you seen?

Astrid showed me
the collages you sent her

and some of your earlier work
in the catalogues.

Oh, I love
the Polaroid installation.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Why?

Um, I don't know...

Well, because...

Because it's great!

I'm actually very visual myself.

Kindred spirit.

Must be difficult
for you to work here.

Oh, it is.

I spend so much time
fighting off sexual advances,

I hardly have time to think.

That was a joke.

Oh.

Jailbird humor
is hard to get sometimes.

Sorry.

So...

an actress?

So glamorous!

No. My career is a disaster.

I think it's the process.

It may be too painful for me.

You're such a sensitive person.

All that rejection.

It's got to be hard
on your self-esteem.

I'm a typical Pisces.

But that's why
Astrid and I get on so well.

Scorpio and Pisces
understand each other.

You're into astrology?

She's not into astrology

just because
she knows our signs.

Astrid and I
used to understand each other...

but she's become so secretive.

Astrid isn't secretive at all!

No, we talk about everything,
all the time.

We just love her.

She's doing so well.

She's on the honor roll,

and we're just working

to keep that old
grade point average up.

Why don't you put a pyramid
over her desk?

They say it improves memory.

My memory is fine.

Pyramid.
I hadn't thought of that.

I do practice Feng Shui, though.

You never mentioned that
in your letters.

How about your husband?

Is he into Feng Shui as well?

No, he's into
frequent flyer miles.

He's gone half the time.

That's not so bad, you know?

And now that I have Astrid...

She must be
a great comfort to you,

not being able to have
children of your own.

Yeah.

She is.

Would you mind letting
us talk alone, sweetie?

They're grown-up things.

Don't we have to go?

No, it's okay.

We have time.

Love humiliates you.

Hatred cradles you.

It's soothing.

What did you say to her?

She's having trouble
with her husband.

It's not you, is it?

I know you have an attraction
for older men.

No, it's not me.

You leave her alone.

Oh, but it's such fun.

Easy, but fun.

And in my present situation,

I have to get my fun
where I can.

God, how can you stand
to live with poor Claire?

Did you know there's
an entire order

called the Poor Claires?

She is a genuinely nice person.

You don't know
what it's been like.

If you love me, you'll help me.

Help you?

I would rather see you

in the worst kind of foster hell

than living with that woman.

What can you possibly
learn from her?

How to pine artistically?

27 names for tears?

All I can say is...

keep your bags packed.

I feel like a stranger
in my own goddamn house.

I feel like you two live here,

and I'm allowed to stay
here once in a while.

Maybe if you gave
a little bit!

Again! "Why can't I give more?
"Why can't I talk more?"

"Why can't I be here more?"

Because I work!
Because I have a job.

That's not fair.

I give you
everything that you ask for,

and still it's not enough.

No, not everything.
Not everything.

You promised,

if we got another kid,
things would change.

Mark, I'm trying,
you know I'm trying.

Trying is not good enough.

You are falling apart again.

We are right back
to where we started.

Yes we are.
It is not working out,

and I think
we should send her back.

You can't just send her back.

Where's she going to go?

They'll find some place for her.

I can't believe it. You're
just going to send her away?

You take everything away,
don't you?

You just leave me here
with nothing.

Jesus Christ,
you are such a bad actress.

I really almost forgot.

Okay, okay.

I'll do what you say.
I'll send her back.

Okay? We can try that.

Just don't go, okay?

Just don't leave me.

Unlike you, Claire,
I work, remember?

Mm-hm. And...

is she going with you,
your girlfriend?

I've had it with this, Claire.

I've really had it.

Astrid?

Astrid...

Astrid, please.

Claire?

Are you awake?

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Take my advice.

Stay away from broken people.

You can't send me back.

He's not coming back, Astrid.

He's going to divorce me.

You know, Claire...

it wouldn't be the worst thing.

I'm cold.

Cold.

Get in here with me.

Come on.

Stay with me, okay?

Stay with me, please.

Claire...

Claire?

Claire!

Claire... Claire!

Claire, wake up!

Claire, please!

God!

No!

Claire, please!

No!

Astrid.

What is it?

I'm back in Mac.
Didn't they tell you?

No.

Claire is dead.

She killed herself.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

You poisoned her, too,
only this time you used words.

I told her
what she already knew.

You were just jealous.

Of course I was jealous.

I live in a cell with a woman

who has a vocabulary
of 25 words.

Why do you think
they got you, Astrid?

To create
a perfect little family?

People get babies for that.

Not teenagers
recovering from bullet wounds.

You were on suicide watch.

And don't think this was the
first time she tried it, either.

It's just the first time
she pulled it off.

I'm not coming back.

I wanted to tell you
that in person.

I'm going to leave you
in here, alone.

I know you think I'm cruel.

I'm only trying to protect you
from those people.

Those people are not the enemy,
Mother.

We are.

You and me.

They don't hurt us.
We hurt them.

You still ignoring me?

I turn 18 Saturday.

I'm going to New York.

I want you to come with me.

I can't.

Sure you can. Just leave.

Is it your mother?

Come on.

I'll get a job.

We'll find a place to live.

We'll be like
we always talked about.

I don't want to go to New York.

I don't want to be with you.

She was with us for three years,

but her birth parents
took her back.

We think you'd really
like it with us, Astrid.

There are kids your age
in our neighborhood.

Excuse me.

Don't worry about it.

She's had a very
hard time recently.

Let me just talk to her, okay?

So, what's wrong this time?

I'm too old for them.

Look, the Greenways are great.

They've been doing this
for years.

They've got a nice house
with an extra bedroom for you.

They go to church.

Schools are good.

They don't smoke.

He makes his own beer.

I want her.

Workers of the world, arise.

You've got nothing to lose

but VISA card, Happy Meal,
and Kotex with wings.

Christ, Thursday.

You, lazy bones. You want smoke?

I quit for the baby, Rena.

Why? You don't keep it,
thank God.

You, cheerleader.
You want smoke?

Russian cigarettes. No cancer.

Clothes.

Really nice. It was never worn.

What is this made of?

I don't know.

Why don't you just try it on
and see how it looks?

Hey.

That's my dress.

These are all mine.

So? You get good price for them.

What do you need
expensive clothes for, huh?

Maybe Melrose Place
call you to be a star.

Someone gave them to me.

Even better. All profit.

That's why I love this country.

Because it loves money
like I love money.

Hey. You make a price,
I take 25%.

No.

What, you think you're going
to sell it all by yourself

on the street corner?

I pay for stall, storage, gas.

They pay you, you pay me.

You still make profit.

Dead person who
give you thing don't care.

The past is gone.

Sentimental is stupid.

It's smart to make money.

There's no price.

How about 20 dollars?

It's a Marc Jacobs dress.

It's only been worn once.

50?

100.

Thank you.

How was last night?

It was fun.

What did you do?

Watched TV.

You know who I saw? I saw Dan.

Don't you think
Astrid would like him?

Astrid?

I'm Hannah.

This is Julie.

We went to your house,

but the Russian lady
said you'd be here, so...

We visit your mother.

She's our project
in Women's Studies.

What does she want?

Oh, no, she didn't send us.

We came on our own.

She asked us to mail you
a copy of the interview.

Her show at Bergamot?

But then we thought that
we could deliver it ourselves...

Is that it?

Yeah.

What do you talk about?

All kinds of things.

Art, music...

She talks about you.

Really?

What does she say?

That you're in a...

You know, fostered.

Look, she feels really terrible
about what's happened.

So you thought you'd come out
and what?

Adopt me?

You don't think
she killed him, do you?

Something you should know.

She did.

I was there.

Oleander is poisonous.

I don't know why people grow it.

Open the door!

They can't keep me!

I'll be back in an hour!

Who is that?

I don't know.

You draw her all the time.

I think her name was Annie.

She's someone I remember.

I don't know who she was.

Check it out, you guys.

Rodeo Drive refugee.

Excuse me.
Are you Rena Gruschenko?

Gruschenka.

If you come from I.N.S.,
I have a green card.

I've been all over this junkyard
looking for you.

You must be Astrid.

I'm Susan Valeris,
your mother's lawyer?

Cigarette?

Don't know why I never
got around to quitting.

I do. All the prisoners smoke.

You can offer them one.

Your mother is very proud of you
for not quitting school.

You graduate soon, don't you?

Are you making any plans
for your future?

Yeah.

I thought
I'd be a criminal lawyer.

Really?

Either that, or a hooker,

or a garbage collector.

Your mother
said you'd be difficult.

Mother knows best.

I know you've been through
a terrible ordeal.

Three foster homes
in three years,

a shooting,

the suicide of a foster mother.

I understand
you were very close.

Did you ask your client
about her involvement with that?

You can't possibly blame her

for the death of a woman
she only met once.

But I do blame her, Susan.

That's pretty cynical, Astrid.

You want me to lie for her
in court, is that it?

Why do you hate her, Astrid?

Is it because you think
she committed murder?

Or because you feel abandoned?

Talk to her.

People do change.

You should hear
the way she talks about you.

She worries about you.

She asked me to find out
if there's anything you need.

Money for college?

Car?

There's money behind her.

Just tell me what you want.

You are stupid girl.

You walk away from money
to punish mother.

You want car?

You want art college?

All costs money.

You don't know anything
about this, Rena,

so just stay out of it.

I have plan for you, anyway.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Niki leave soon.

And Yvonne is stupid girl.

Making third baby.

Every time
she look at the window

to see baby's face,

baby gone,

then she cries
like it's a big surprise.

But you...

you're a special girl.

You stay...

I make you partner.

Stay here?

You got better place to go?

Then go see mother.

She needs something from you,

you need something from her.

Go get it.

Here she comes.

Astrid, my God.

What's wrong, Mom?

You don't like my outfit?

I'll leave you two alone
for a while.

So what's the story?

We didn't go to Mexico
to buy DMSO?

Barry beat you?

He raped me?

How bad does he have to be
to get you out of jail?

I can't believe
what's happened to you.

When I get out,
I'll make it up to you.

Who said you're getting out?

I said I'd talk to you.

I didn't say I'd do it.

Then what do you want?

I have a deal to make.

A trade.

You tell me the truth...

I'll lie for you in court.

The truth about what?

Everything you kept from me.

And if I don't?

Then you can rot in here.

I hate this look, by the way.

You're a Sunset Boulevard motel,

a $20 hooker
in the back of a car.

Why did you murder Barry?

If I submit to this,
you'll testify?

Yes.

Self-defense. He was killing me.

Claire didn't do anything
to you.

Why did you go after her?

Claire went after herself.

I just showed her how to do it.

Who was my father?

Your father?
Why do you always ask that?

It's ancient history.

It's my ancient history.
Who was he?

His name was Klaus Anders.

What did he do?

He was an artist.

How did you meet?

At Venice Beach at a party.

He had the drugs.

Did you love him?

It was a long time ago.

I'm not the same person.

Liar. You're exactly the same.

Answer the question.

You're such a child.

You've taken my propaganda
for truth.

So set me straight.

Did you love him?

We had
a very sexual relationship.

One overlooks many things.

You worshipped him.

I read it in your journal.

"Worship" isn't exactly

the word we're looking for here.

Who was Annie?

What?

Who was Annie, Mother?

She was a neighbor
who took in kids,

did people's laundry.

What did she look like?

Dark, curly hair, freckles.

Did she take care of me?

How could you possibly
have remembered this?

It will only hurt you.

Imagine my life for a moment...

how unprepared I was

to be the mother
of a small child.

I was used to
having time to think,

and you just wanted,
wanted, wanted.

I felt like a hostage.

Can you understand
how desperate I was?

I dropped you off
at her house one afternoon

to go to the beach
with some friends.

And one thing led to another.

They had a place in Ensenada.

It was wonderful.

You can't imagine...

To take a nap
in the afternoon...

to make love all day if I wanted

and not have to think,
"What's Astrid doing?

Where's Astrid?"

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,"
clinging to me like a spider.

At the end of it,

I just wanted
to throw you against a wall.

How long were you gone?

About a year.

Give or take a few months.

My God.

But you're not asking
the right question.

Don't ask me why I left.

Ask me why I came back.

You should have been sterilized.

I could have left you there,

but I didn't.

Don't you understand?

For once, I did the right thing.

When I came back, you knew me.

You were sitting by the door,

and you looked up...

and you reached for me.

It was as if you had been
waiting for me all along.

I was always waiting
for you, Mother.

That's the constant in my life.
Waiting for you.

Will you come back?

Will you forget you tied me up
in front of the store

or left me on a bus?

Are you still waiting?

No.

I stopped when Claire showed me
what it felt like to be loved.

What did you think?

That I would amuse you?

That's what babies are like,
Mother.

What did you think?

That we'd exchange thoughts
on Joseph Brodsky?

I thought Klaus and I
would live happily ever after.

Adam and Eve
in a vine-covered shack.

I must have been out of my mind.

You were in love with him.

Yes, I was in love with him,
all right?

I was in love with him,

"baby makes three"
and all that crap.

Then why did you leave him?

Why did you leave him?
I didn't leave him.

He left me.

You want to know
about your father?

He left us
when you were six months old

for another woman.

I never saw him again

until he showed up
looking for you

when you were 8 years old.

He came to see me?

Yes, he came to see you,

but it was a little late,
wasn't it?

Why should I let him see you
after what he did to me?

Because it wasn't about you!

It was about me,
and I wanted to see him!

My whole life,
I've wanted to see him.

That decision was mine,
not yours!

Everything has always been
about you, never about me.

I knew
you were going to kill Barry,

but you didn't even care.

You didn't give a damn
about what that would do to me.

I'll say
whatever Susan wants me to say,

but I've got to get out of here.

No. You don't just walk away
from me.

I made you.

I'm in your blood.

You don't go anywhere
until I let you go.

Then let me go.

You look at me...

and you don't like what you see.

But this is the price, Mother.
The price of belonging to you.

If I could,
I'd take it all back.

I would.

Then tell me
you don't want me to testify.

Tell me
you don't want me like this.

Tell me you would sacrifice
the rest of your life

to have me back the way I was.

Listen, forget it.
A deal's a deal.

Let's leave it at that.

Excuse me.

It's probably a waste of time,
but...

I'm looking for someone
who used to come in here?

His name is Paul Trout.

You Astrid?

Yeah.

He said you'd turn up.

Thanks.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Excuse me. Is it a recess?

No. Jury's out.

Don't you need me to testify?

Your mother told me
to leave you alone.

What happened?

She let me go.

- Two years after Paul and I
- moved to New York,

I received a letter
from my mother.

In it was a copy of
the Los Angeles Times Magazine,

my mother on the cover.

A Santa Monica gallery

had mounted
a showing of her work.

The Times included

seven pages

of her hauntingly distant
prison collages.

She stares out from the cover...

the bars of her cell behind her.

Beautiful.

Dangerous.

Proud.

The Times said her lawyer

was close to winning a retrial
after a first failed appeal.

They called her show a triumph.

It's too much

to imagine her tempering her joy

with a moment of grief...

a moment
for what that triumph had cost.

These suitcases
are a map of that country...

a terrible country
I will never revisit.

Even so,
I find myself thinking of her,

wanting to feel that wind.

It's a secret wanting...

like a song
I can't stop humming,

or loving someone
you can never have.

No matter how much
she's damaged me...

no matter how flawed she is...

I know my mother loves me.

♪ ♪