All language subtitles for TMMM1

Shh!

Who gives a toast at her own wedding?

I mean, who does that?

Who stands in the middle of a ballroom

after three glasses of champagne

on a completely empty stomach...

and I mean completely empty

because fitting into this dress

required no solid food
for three straight weeks.

Who does that?

I do.

This day is perfect.

It's like a dream...

or a nightmare if you're my father.

"How much for the flowers?"

"Who eats mushroom caps?"

"Do the caterers have any idea

"what the Jews just went
through a few years ago?"

Two cakes, one for eating.

We're very happy.

This day has been long in planning.

Anyone who knows me knows I plan.

At 6 I decided Russian
literature would be my major.

At 12 I found my signature haircut.

At 13 I announced

I was going to Bryn Mawr College.

In Katharine Hepburn's old room.

From Day 1 I knew...

that decision was a charmed one.

First of all, my roommate
Petra was friendly and fat,

which was perfect. I'll
have someone to eat with

who won't steal my boyfriend.

It smells so good.

The campus was old and elegant,

with ivy-covered buildings
and stained glass windows

and...

Monogrammed butter pats.

What? Oh.

This was a magical place

where butter was beautiful

and I would solve the
mysteries of the universe

and meet brilliant
women, kindred spirits

who would explore this
brave new world with me.

Ooh! My God, it's burning.

It's supposed to. It's bleach.

It's awful. I hate you for this.

It was your idea.

Never listen to me. I'm nuts.

Why aren't you in pain?

I'm from Kansas.

I don't know what that means.

- How much longer?
- Ten minutes.

Oh, Jiminy Crickets.

Where are you going? Where is she going?

I don't know.

Midge. Midge?

Midge!

- How much longer?
- Nine minutes!

Holy fucking Christ balls!

But all of these marvelous adventures

were simply the preamble
to my ultimate destiny.

I was going to meet a man...

a perfect man.

He would be 6'4" and blond,

and his name would be
Dashiell or Stafford or...

Joel. Joel Maisel.

Best build-up since Iceman Cometh.

Joel Maisel was my
knight in shining armor,

a gift from God,

and he thought I was brilliant.

He took me to galleries
and poetry readings

and Greek dramas.

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, Miss.

Thanks, toots.

Honey, don't go away.

She's going to need that.

That was Misty Dream,
ladies and gentlemen.

You know, she's only 18...

in dog years.

Anyway, I'll leave the
jokes to our next performer.

He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines

or some patriotic shit like that.

And, uh, let's hear it for him...

Lenny Bruce. Come up.

This is the guy I wanted you to see.

No way he's funnier than Misty.

Thank you.

And so I was reading the paper,

and, uh, there was a story.

These kids... uh, 8 and 9-year-old...

were sniffing airplane
glue to get high on.

These kids are responsible
for turning musicians

on to a lot of things they
never knew about, actually.

Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.

The kid is alone in his room.

It's Saturday.

The kid is played by George Macready.

Well, let's see now.

I'm all alone in a
room, and it's Saturday.

I'll make an airplane.
That's what I'll do.

I'll make a Lancaster.

Good structural design.

I'll get the balsa wood here.

I'll cut it out. I'll sand it down.

Add a little airplane glue.

I'll rub it on a rag and, uh...

Hey now.

I'm getting loaded.

Oh, the things Joel taught me.

- You know what I want?
- Please don't say a virgin.

I want to make you laugh...

every day of your life.

Oh, great, but not now, though.

- No, no, not now.
- Mm-mm.

I have been very lucky.

I have wonderful parents.

I've had a very comfortable life,

and though I knew that
love would be great,

I had no idea it would be anything

that could justify what
I paid for this dress.

What I paid for that
dress. We're very happy.

And because it's better than
anything I could have imagined,

I thought I should get up here today

and tell all of you
that I love this man.

And yes, there is
shrimp in the egg rolls.

Miriam.

- We have a problem.
- Rabbi, she's kidding. She's kidding.

You show me in the Bible

where God says you can't eat shrimp.

Leviticus. "Whatever does
not have fins or scales,

- "you shall not eat."
- But did He say shrimp?

_

Lefty, we got the rabbi.

- Hmm.
- How? When?

We heard today. My mother fainted,

then called four people,
then fainted again.

This year, on Yom Kippur,

Rabbi Krinsky will be
breaking fast at our house.

You're gonna need some
lamb. Rabbi loves his lamb.

Excuse me. I'm in the
middle of an order here.

- I'm so sorry. What were you getting?
- Pork chops.

Put her pork chops on my
tab. Oh, I can't believe it.

The rabbi's been mad
at us since the wedding.

It only took four years of apologies

and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr.,

but we finally got the bastard.

Disgraceful.

You like your free pork
chops? Zip it, then.

- Delivery Thursday?
- After 10.

I grabbed a couple of black and whites.

We got the rabbi!

Antonio, I bought you a black and white.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Maisel.

Jerry, nice tie.

Got you a black and white.

Perfect. You are perfect.

- Hello.
- You tell everyone about the rabbi?

What am I, a braggart?
Please. How's work?

- I believe something got sold today.
- Hmm.

- How's the brisket?
- I'm buying it a sash and a crown.

Good. We'll need it.

I got a terrible stage
time for tonight: 1:45.

- Yikes.
- I bowed out of my lunch meeting

and got downtown as quickly as I could.

But that guy who runs the Gaslight...

Baz. You must learn his name.

Fine. Baz still gave
me the crappiest time.

- He hates me.
- Don't worry. We'll fix it.

He doesn't see me as a real comedian.

I mean, I'm not a real comedian yet,

but if he'd just give
me a better time...

- We will fix it.
- 1:45.

No one is there at 1:45.

They're not? Well, then we'll fix it.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

- Go on at 1:45.
- Bye.

So the waiter says, "Fine. I'll try it."

He looks at the bowl

and says "Where the hell is the spoon?"

And the customer says "Aha."

So he didn't bring him a spoon.

And that's why he didn't eat the soup.

No spoon.

Well, you can't eat
a soup with no spoon.

- Oh, boy. That's a good joke there.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.

Penny, can you walk
Mitchell down to Al's office?

- Of course.
- Al can take you through the specs.

Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing
about that spoon for a week.

Oi.

I saw Funt heading down the hall.

I sent him over to
Al's office. He's fine.

You heading down to the Village tonight?

Midge will be here any minute.

Joel Maisel, king of comedy.

All right, all right.

You know, Imogene's
dying to see your act.

I told her I don't know why.

I see you acting
ridiculous all day long.

Very amusing. Can I use that?

Seriously, when can we come?

I have a cab waiting downstairs.

- Hi, Archie.
- Why'd you have him wait?

We could have taken another cab.

I know, but the driver's having
trouble with his marriage,

and I hated to send him off like that.

So I'll come next week?

Next week. Why not?

Bye, Archie.

- Good night, Penny.
- Good night.

♪ Some people say man
is made out of mud ♪

♪ A poor man's made out
of muscle and blood ♪

♪ Muscle and blood and skin and bone ♪

♪ A mind that's weak and
a back that's strong ♪

- ♪ You load 16 tons... ♪
- Packed house.

Yeah, it won't be at 1:45.

Oi, my God, with the one-track mind.

Go. Sit. Let the master work.

♪ Don't you call me 'cause I can't go ♪

♪ I owe my soul ♪

♪ To the company store ♪

Coming right up.

Fuck!

What? Gaslight. What?

Yes. We're open.

Don't know. When everyone's gone.

Dr. Salk should find
a vaccine for morons.

- Yes?
- I'm looking for Baz.

Shitter, back on the right.

I'll wait till he's done.

- That the brisket?
- It's for Baz.

- We pay the coffee guy?
- Yes.

Where in here does it say that?

Jesus Christ, Baz.

Hello, Midge. Is that...

I made my brisket.

So I'm guessing your husband
doesn't like his time slot tonight.

No, he loves his time slot.
He loves any time slot.

There's just a tiny problem.

Our daughter is sick.

Ear-ache, and 1:45 is just so late.

I didn't know what to do. I thought...

Didn't your son have
the measles last week?

What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did.

And the week before that,
your mother had rickets?

Yes. So painful.

And last month, your
sister-in-law broke her toe.

Your brother threw out his back.
That's a lot of health issues.

Your family might
want to eat some fruit.

I'll take that into consideration.

Okay. 10:30.

Next time, I'd like some latkes.

I make great latkes, genius latkes.

You won't be sorry.

♪ Saint Peter, don't you call me ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I can't go ♪
- Pussy.

♪ I owe my soul to the company store ♪

- 10:30.
- You're kidding.

Mm-hmm. Where's my kiss?

I should be kissing the brisket.

♪ A lot of men didn't, a lot... ♪

The next act up...

is a nice clean-cut young man,

somebody your mother would love.

He's a comedian.

Give a big hand for Joel Maisel.

Thanks a lot.

So many of you may have read the book

The Hidden Persuaders.

It's about Madison
Avenue's marketing men

and how they create the public personas

we all learn to know and trust,

and vote for.

Well, what if,

during the Civil War,

there was no Lincoln?

What if they had to create him?

This is a telephone conversation

between Abe Lincoln and his press agent

just before Gettysburg.

Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How are you, kid?

How's Gettysburg?

Sort of a drag, huh?

Well, Abe, you know them
small Pennsylvania towns...

you seen one, you seen them all.

What's the problem?

You're thinking of shaving it off?

Uh, Abe,

don't you see that's part of the image?

Right, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat

and the string tie.

You don't have the shawl?

Where's the shawl, Abe?

You left it in Washington?

What are you wearing, Abe?

A sort of cardigan?

Abe, don't you see that doesn't go

with the string tie and beard?

Abe, would you leave the beard
on and get the shawl, huh?

All right, now, Abe, you
got your speech, right?

Abe, you haven't changed
the speech, have you?

$3.30 and one subway token.

I'll take that token.

Tonight was great. I killed.

I had a good time, so I killed.

I need an audience. I
feed off an audience.

I finished, people started
to leave. Did you see that?

I almost left myself.

10:30. Perfect slot.

Give me that slot again next time.

Hey. here.

Saw your act.

Don't forget the latkes.

- Who's that guy?
- She works there.

Heh heh. Only in the Village.

Taxi!

You got three more laughs
tonight than you did last time,

and a couple of extra, like, laughlets.

But what you were shaking your head for?

- Hmm?
- Nothing. You were great.

I was great.

You know,

you don't really say
hello to the audience.

Maybe you should write a beginning,

something that says who
you are or something.

What do you think?

Good evening. What a nice...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for the nice... nice...

"Nice" is a bad, bad word.

All that applause for me?

What am I, putting out after?

One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant.

Maybe you could do impressions to start.

You do a great one of my
aunt Bertha ordering dinner.

"A garnish can be festive but deadly."

- Good night, Gracie.
- Good night, Gracie.

Hey.

Good morning.

- Did the alarm go off?
- It sure did.

Wow. I didn't hear it at all.

You never do.

- Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.

Thanks, Jerry.

Hello. It's me.

Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Can I get you some coffee?

Oh, yes, Zelda, please.

- Good morning, Papa.
- Mm.

Good morning, Ethan.

Good morning, Ethan.

Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.

E... Never mind.

- Here you are.
- Did you get coffee?

Yes, and a great welcome from my son.

- Men.
- Thanks for taking the kids last night.

- Were they okay?
- We need to talk about the baby.

Why? What's the matter with her?

That forehead is not improving.

- What? Are you sure?
- It's getting bigger.

The whole face will
be out of proportion.

Look at the nose. It's elongating now.

The nose is not the problem.
The nose you can fix.

- But this gigantic forehead.
- Ma, there's always bangs.

I'm just afraid she's
not a very pretty girl.

- Mama, she's a baby.
- I just want her to be happy.

It's easier to be happy
when you're pretty.

- You're right. Bangs will help.
- Mm-hmm.

Zelda, don't clean in here.
It's fine just the way it is.

How did Joel's little show go?

It went very well.

I still don't understand
this whole thing.

Whom is he performing for?

- Anyone who shows up.
- And they pay you?

They pass around a basket
at the end of your set,

and whatever's in it
you get to take home.

If you need money,
we can give you money.

No, we don't need money.

Joel is funny, and he
likes to do his comedy.

How long are you going to be doing this,

running around at night, taking
money from strangers like a schnorrer?

As long as it's fun.

Six to nine more months
left on those arms.

Really? I've been doing those
exercises with the soup cans.

Forget the cans. Buy a bolero.

How did you get in here?

I came through the other door.

Just because there is a door
does not mean you use it.

A door does not represent
infinite possibilities.

- Is everything ordered for next week?
- Yes, all done.

- Ethan, put your coat on.
- You have a whole apartment to clean.

Just leave this room the way it is.

I thought we'd do dinner at your place.

- Your dining room's bigger than ours.
- Our dining room is fine.

If you don't entertain, it's fine.

I'll call you later. Bye, Papa.

Clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom.

- Say goodbye, Ethan.
- You love bathrooms.

Ethan. Ethan.

- Clean them again.
- Ethan. E...

Never mind.

♪ For fun it's the premium one ♪

She's going on and on
about this miracle treatment

she had done in Mexico.

It involved goat's milk and avocadoes.

Right ankle 8, left ankle 8.

They smear it on your face,

wrap a hot towel around your head,

and stick two straws up your nose.

Right calf 11, left calf 11.

So you can breathe through the straws.

Then they put you on a boat
and row you out to sea...

Right thigh 18.

And they drop the anchor, and
you sit there for four hours.

Left thigh 18 1/2.

- Then they row you back in...
- Hips 34.

- And they scrape you down...
- Waist 25.

... slap you in the face
with old banana skins...

- Bust 32.
- ... charge you $75, and send you home.

She thinks she looks 20.
I think she looks the same.

- Mm.
- God, you are so proportional.

How long have you been
measuring yourself like this?

Every day for ten years.

- Even when you were pregnant?
- Mm.

There's not enough
Daiquiris in the world.

... Chicago, one of the great comedy...

... recording stars in the country...

Bob Newhart. So let's hear it...

There you are. Are you
hungry? I made curry,

and I ordered Chinese
in case it's awful.

I'm sure it's fine.

- Did we have children?
- They're upstairs.

- Hi, Imogene.
- Hey, Joel.

Did you hear we're coming
downtown to see you tomorrow night?

We haven't been below 14th in months.

- We're very excited.
- Don't except too much.

Oh, you'd better be great.

I'm going to wear a beret.

- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.

- Mwah. Goodbye, Joel.
- Bye.

Ah, the curry's terrible.
We'll have the takeout.

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Right. Uh, listen, Abe, I got...

What's the problem?

Y-you're thinking of shaving it off?

Uh, Abe,

don't you see that's part of the image?

Right, with the shawl and the
stove pipe hat and the string tie.

You don't have the shawl?

- Uh, where's the shawl, Abe?
- Joel?

Joel.

You're not gonna believe this.

Bob Newhart is doing your act.

- What?
- Bob Newhart.

He's on "Ed Sullivan."
He's doing your act.

He must have come to the club
one night and seen you perform,

and now he's on television
doing it just like you do.

Well, it's a little bit different
because he does it faster,

which is better, actually,
but that's besides the point.

I'm mad. Aren't you mad?

Midge, relax.

You're not mad.

No.

Or stunned.

Not even mildly bemused?

It's his act.

What?

Are you gonna put the
rest of this on a platter?

How is it his act? How
do you know his act?

I've got his record.

So you stole Bob Newhart's act.

It's fine. Everybody does it.

- Everybody steals his act?
- Yes.

No. Not steals.

Borrows. It's no big deal.

It's not? When I found out

June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe,

I almost stabbed her
in the eye with a fork.

- Everybody in comedy steals...
- Borrows.

... borrows everybody else's jokes,

especially at the beginning.

Bob Newhart probably used
Henny Youngman's stuff

when he started.

- It's how it's done.
- Oh.

- Well, if that's how it's done.
- It is.

I thought you'd written it...

that act.

I feel a little silly now.

Well, I did put my spin on it.

- Yes. You slowed it down.
- And my inflection is different.

Right. I'm new to this, so...

- You'll learn.
- I guess I will.

- You want a drink?
- Sure.

Guess I'd better go apologize
to June Freedman now.

- Hello.
- How's the brisket?

- Is it okay?
- Do you know something I don't?

Just answer the question, Midge.

Yes. It's fine. What's the matter?

I had to work straight through lunch,

so I couldn't go downtown
to get a time for tonight.

- Tonight, you understand?
- Tonight. Yes, I understand.

Archie and Imogene are coming, remember?

Of course I remember.

They're coming tonight,
and I don't have a time.

You know what? Cancel
them. Tell them I'm sick.

They've got a babysitter.
It's all arranged.

I should have changed
that lunch, damn it.

Joel, come on. I promise you'll get on.

I'll bring the brisket.
I'll do my thing.

Everything will be fine, okay?

- Okay.
- Hey.

Remember this whole comedy thing,

it's supposed to be fun.

That's why we do it, right?

Right. Well, you'll have to bring me

my show sweater. I left it at home.

- I can do that.
- And you have to be here right at 8.

I will be on time.

Okay. I should go.

Huh.

Your daddy is crazy.

Now let's measure that forehead.

Pull over here. I'll just be a minute.

- Oh, geez.
- Where the hell have you been?

- It's 8:30.
- I know. I'm sorry.

Go. Go, go.

- Do you have my sweater?
- Yes.

You didn't have to stand out there.

- I would have come up.
- You get here at 8, you come up.

Are you kidding me?

- What?
- Holes.

- Holes everywhere.
- What?

I can't believe you didn't look
at it before you left the house.

I was in a hurry to meet
you. You can hardly see them.

Hardly see? Look, look.

A hole here, a hole
here, two holes here.

I mean, how does this happen?

It was probably a moth.

- A moth?
- Yes.

What moth?

Ted. Ted the Moth.

Dime-sized holes, that's his signature.

- You think this is funny?
- I think it doesn't matter.

Going on stage with holes
in my shirt like a bum.

It's downtown. If you have
underwear on, you're overdressed.

Hey, why don't you talk about it?

- About what?
- About your sweater.

You know, joke about it in your act.

It'll be fun, personal, yours.

I don't know.

Oh, great. They're here.

Okay, why don't you go join them,

have a cup of coffee, calm down?

I'll go deal with this, okay?

- Yeah, fine. Hurry.
- Mm-hmm.

Excuse me. Is Baz around?

Nope.

Excuse me.

Um, do you see my husband
Joel Maisel over there?

Okay. He couldn't get away from work

to come down here earlier
for a time to perform.

He's a comedian.

Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work,

and, see, tonight our
best friends are here...

- the Clearys, and...
- Wait a minute.

The Clearys are here?

- You're kidding me. Where?
- Over there.

Well, I will be damned.

Well, that is exciting.
The Clearys are here.

Wow.

Anyhow,

I was wondering if you could find a way

to give my husband a better time...

preferably before 11:30.

- Why isn't he over here?
- What?

Mr. Saturday Night. Why
isn't he asking for the time?

Why are you asking for the time?

Well, I have the brisket.

So...

anything you can do would be great.

So thanks.

That looks like Allen Ginsberg.

Imogene, doesn't that
look like Allen Ginsberg?

Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.

- Hey, there, kitten.
- Hi.

This place is perfectly filthy.

- You should see the bathroom.
- Don't go in the bathroom.

Well, now I'm definitely
going in the bathroom.

- Oh.
- No, no. I got this.

A starving artist never pays.

- I'm not a starving artist.
- Your sweater tells another story.

Here you go.

So? What did he say?

Uh, he wasn't there,

but the lady said she'd work it out.

Now who here likes hillbilly polka?

All right, next up, a lady

fresh off some boat from somewhere.

When the hell am I going on?

- I don't know. Soon.
- Janet Shaw.

All right.

This poem is about...

Spokane.

Spokane...

Spokane.

Spokane.

Man.

I'll be right back.

Rumble of lumber trucks.

Spokane.

- Where is she?
- Who?

The one who looks like
she lives under a bridge.

Oh. Susie. She went out.

Do you know where?

God, no. Who would ask?

Robbers of the indigenous.

- Any minute now.
- Spokane.

Kitten, we're going to
have to take a rain check.

Oh, it was a blast, though.

Oh, no, wait... wait just a few minutes.

We got to head home, too.

- We can't leave.
- I have an early morning meeting.

I say we just tell everybody
it was Allen Ginsberg.

You're up.

What? What did he say?

- I think she said you're up.
- Oh, goodie.

Man.

Thank you, Janet Shaw.

Don't need to go to Spokane now.

All right, up next, we have a comedian.

That's you. Go. Be funny.

- Joel Maisel.
- Whoo!

Whoo!

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

So exciting.

So...

my sweater...

It's a new sweater,

but I asked my wife to bring it to me

because I work during the day,

so she does, and I put it on.

Holes.

Holes in my sweater.

So I asked, "How did this happen?"

And she says "Moths."

And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?"

And she says "Ted."

"Ted the Moth."

He's very avant garde.

Th-that was just...
that was just something

that, uh... happened.

Okay. So, uh, uh...

anyhow, this is, uh,

a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.

Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettys...

Sorry. Did... did any of you read
the book The Hidden Persuaders?

It's about marketing agents,

and they had to create Abe Lincoln.

I mean, if they had
to create Abe Lincoln.

The book's not about that. Uh...

this... this bit...

Anyhow...

Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettysburg?

Kind of a drag, huh?

Well, Abe, you know them
small Pennsylvania towns...

you seen one, you seem them all.

What's the problem?

You're thinking of shaving it off?

Uh, Abe, don't you see?

That's, uh... that doesn't go
with the string tie and b...

Don't you see that's part of the image?

Right, with the shawl and the
stove pipe hat and the string tie.

You told me to talk about my sweater.

I know.

I just thought you'd put it

into some sort of
joke form or something.

Sorry.

Don't.

Can I get you anything?

What are you doing?

I have to go.

I have to leave.

You. I have to leave you.

That's my suitcase.

It is?

You going to leave me with my suitcase?

Joel, tomorrow's Yom Kippur.

I'm... I'm... I'm not happy.

Nobody's happy. It's Yom Kippur.

I don't know how to do this.

I'm not good at things like this.

Things like what? Like leaving me?

- Yes.
- So don't. Practice a little.

Try it again when you feel
more confident about the moves.

- Midge...
- Joel, the rabbi is coming.

Yeah. I know he is.

Five years we've been
trying to get the rabbi,

and this year we got
him. We got the rabbi.

- I should go.
- No. P-Please. I don't understand.

I thought my life was going
to be something different.

I thought I was going
to be someone different,

but tonight was just so terrible.

I mean, a whole room full of
people just watching me bomb.

- It was one stupid night.
- And I'm up there dying,

and I'm thinking about last week.

We're in temple, and the rabbi tells

that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke,

and suddenly the whole
synagogue goes nuts.

- So?
- He got more laughs in five minutes

than I did in five months.

You're jealous of the rabbi?

He was in Buchenwald. Throw him a bone.

Did you ever think you were
supposed to be something,

and, uh, and you suddenly
realize you're not?

Yes. Married.

- That's good. You're good.
- Joel, please.

I'm never going to be a
professional comedian, Midge.

- Never.
- No, of course not.

What do you mean, of course not?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

What did you think all those
nights at the club were?

I thought they were fun.

I thought they were
our fun couples thing,

like how the Morgensterns play golf

or how the Meyers ballroom dance

or how the Levins pretend
they're from Warsaw once a week

to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant

- that does Kielbasa Night.
- I can't believe this.

I never knew you were serious about it.

Of course I was serious, Miriam.

What the hell ever made
you think I wasn't serious?

Well, for starters, you were
doing someone else's act.

I told you, everybody
does that when they start.

If you wanted to be a comedian, you
should have at least written a joke.

I tried with the Ted thing.

- I wrote the Ted thing.
- And it bombed.

- Because you killed it.
- Oh, forget it.

Joel, come on. You have a job.

Yet the comedy was a dream.

Do you know what a dream is?

A dream is what keeps you
going in a job you hate.

Since when do you hate your job?

Do you know what I do, Midge?

- You're the vice president of...
- No, no, no, no.

Do you know what I do every day?

Day in and day out,

what the actual physical
machinations of my job are?

- No.
- Neither do I!

I take meetings. I take phone calls.

I shuffle paper around,

and I have no idea of what
the hell I actually do.

Maybe if you did, you'd like it more.

I just thought, with the
brisket and the notebook,

I thought you understood.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me, too.

But, Joel, you can't just leave.

I love you.

We have a home. We have children.

- They're going to notice.
- I have to go.

No, no, no. Wait. I will be better.

I will do better. I... I'll...
I'll pay more attention.

You can quit your job.

We can go to the club
every single night,

and I'll buy more notebooks.

I've been having an affair.

It's been going on for months.

- I thought it was a phase, but now...
- Who?

Penny.

Your secretary.

You're leaving me for a girl

who can't figure out
how to sharpen pencils?

It's not about her, and
it was a new sharpener.

It was electric. All
she had to do was push.

Don't you understand?
I need to start over.

- With her? She wins?
- It's not a contest.

I just don't want this life,

this whole upper West Side,

classic six, best seats in temple.

Wife, two kids.

I just don't...

want it.

So you'll tell your parents for me?

Oh, that might be the funniest
thing you've ever said.

- Honey...
- Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.

I have 30 people and a rabbi
coming over for break fast,

and this is the moment
you decide to tell me

you're going to ride off into the sunset

with your half-wit secretary.

Can I just say...

that you have the worst timing ever?

I'm sorry.

Go on. Get out.

Grab some pens on your way out.

You're going to need them.

Good evening, Mr. Maisel.

Going on a trip?

Papa.

Rose.

Papa.

Rose.

Papa, wait. I... I just...

- Rose!
- I'm here. My God.

What are you wearing? It's not thinning.

I have something to tell you.

You should both sit.

Joel left.

He packed up my suitcase,

and he left.

He's gone.

Joel left you?

Yes.

Why? What did you do?

Nothing. I didn't do anything.

He's... he's in love with his secretary.

Did you know this? Did you
know he was having an affair?

Of course I didn't know.

- God.
- The girl, is she...

- Oh, my God. Is she pregnant?
- Shit.

Did you talk like that around him?

- Did you use sailor talk?
- No, I didn't use sailor talk.

She must've been pregnant.
A man doesn't leave

unless the girlfriend is pregnant.

What the hell is he doing in there?

- He's mad.
- At me?

- Shh. They'll hear.
- Who'll hear?

- Them. Them.
- Who is them?

Oh, God, Mama.

Papa.

Papa.

Why are you mad? I
didn't do anything wrong.

When I agreed to send you to
that fancy goyische college,

what was the one thing I told you?

They'll have terrible deli?

- The important thing I told you.
- That was about deli, too.

The other important thing I told you!

Don't pick a weak man.

Ah.

This isn't my fault!

Of course it's your fault.

Oh, shit!

Mama, please stop crying.

Everything we bring on
ourselves is our own fault.

He was a good husband.
He was a good provider.

What are you going to do now?

What are your children going to do?

Mama, for the love of God,

please stop crying in that bedroom!

This isn't fair.

Oh, no!

Much better. Thanks.

Life isn't fair.

It's hard and cruel.

You have to pick your friends
as if there's a war going on.

You want a husband who'll
take a bullet for you,

not one who points to the attic

and says "They're up there."

How can you say that about Joel?

- You liked him.
- I knew what he was.

Why didn't you tell me, then?

- I did tell you!
- When did you tell me?

When you first came home with him.

That night. I looked at you.

I asked, "Is this the choice?"

And you said yes.

That was telling me?

I have to spell it out for you?

Joel's sick. Everything's fine.

Not a word of this to the rabbi.

I'm going to take a bath.

You listen to me, Miriam.

You are a child. You
cannot survive this.

Now, I am no fan of Joel's,
but you need a husband.

And those children need a father.

What am I supposed to do,
go buy one at Zaybar's?

You fix your face. Put
on his favorite dress.

Then you go out, find him,

and make him come back home.

Mrs. Maisel, you all right?

- Do you need a cab?
- Nope.

Gonna take the subway.

It's miserable out here.

It's miserable in there, too.

See, the eternal war is here.

O victory, forget your underwear.

We're free.

I'm with...

I left my Pyrex here. I'd like it back.

- Your what?
- Pyrex. My Pyrex.

- Nope.
- It's a Pyrex.

- Yeah, you keep saying that.
- Pyrex.

It's a glass baking dish, very durable.

It can go from hot to
cold without cracking.

- We don't serve food here.
- I know. It's not yours.

It's mine. I brought it here.

- Why?
- I made a brisket f...

Is that really important right now?

My dish is here. I'd like it back.

Can you make that happen?

This place gets so weird late.

That was deep, Christian,
I think. Who knows?

Okay, next up. Uh...

folks, just sit tight.
I'll be right back.

Bonnie, where's my set list?

So this is it, huh?

This is the dream...

standing up here on this
filthy, sticky stage all alone.

Couldn't have that, you didn't want me.

Was that it, Joel?

Who's Joel?

What?

Who's Joel?

- My husband. we can't hear you.

- Oh. Shh, shh, shh.
- Sorry.

Joel is my husband of four years,

- and tonight he left.
- Whoo!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yep. He left... Joel.

Left. He packed up my suitcase and left.

Oh, I'm going to have
to lie to the rabbi

about why Joel's not there.

Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur.

I couldn't get a clean
slate for one fucking day.

I don't understand what's going on.

Me, either, sister, me, either.

There are so many questions
spinning around in my head.

Why did he leave?

Why wasn't I enough?

And why didn't they
put the stage over there

against that wall instead
of over here by the bathroom

so you wouldn't have to listen
to every giant bowel movement

that takes place in there?

Oh, yeah. Clear as a bell.

I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk.

It's all gone.

Everything I've counted on is gone.

You feeling better now?

So my life completely fell apart today.

Did I mention that my husband left me?

Whoo-hoo!

Okay. All right. But did I mention

that he left me for his secretary?

Mm-hmm.

She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad.

And I'm not naive.

I know that men like stupid girls.

- Right?
- Uh...

But I thought Joel
wanted more than stupid.

I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit.

I thought he wanted to be challenged.

- You know what I mean?
- Uh...

You two are going to
be together forever.

I'll tell you this much.

I was a great wife.

I was fun. I planned theme nights.

I dressed in costumes.
I gave him kids...

a boy and a girl.

And yes, our little girl is looking

more and more like Winston
Churchill every day,

you know, with that big Yalta head.

But that's not a reason to leave, right?

Really? Really? After what I
just said about the bathroom?

Walk of shame.

Walk of shame!

I loved him.

And I showed him I loved him.

Whoo!

All that shit they say

about Jewish girls in the bedroom?

Not true. There are French whores

standing around the
Marais District saying...

"Did you hear what Midge did

to Joel's balls the other night?"

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe I'm
losing him to Penny Pan.

That's her name. Terrible, right?

Penny Pan. Penny Pan.

Penny Pan.

And I'm officially losing
my mind, which is perfect.

Now I will be alone and crazy,

the famous mad divorcée
of the upper West Side.

Upper West Side? Really? Where?

72nd and Amsterdam.

That place on the corner
with the courtyard?

- That's the one.
- Oh, that's nice. We looked there.

But the closets were so small,

and I wanted a powder room.

Do you know I've seen her twice

with her shirt on inside out?

Penny. Twice.

Once, fine. You were
rushed in the morning.

Twice, you can only be trusted

to butter people's
corn at the county fair.

And here's the worst thing.

And I know this is shallow
and petty and small,

but she's not even that pretty.

Huh.

Her ankles and her calves

are the same width.

And I'm sorry, but look at me.

I am the same size now
that I was at my wedding.

And come on, who
wouldn't want to come home

to this every night?

Okay. All right.

Maybe today's not the best day to judge.

I've been crying, and
my face is all puffy,

and just... just...

Ignore my head. Now, from here down,

who wouldn't want to come home to this?

Actually, I'm a little
bloated right now.

I drank a lot of wine, and
my stomach is sort of...

Oh, can... can I borrow that?

Thank you.

Okay. Ignore this, ignore this.

But imagine coming home
to these every night.

Whoo!

Yeah.

Yeah, they're pretty good, right?

Plus they're standing up on their own.

- Shit.
- Seriously,

there's no fucking way

that Penny Pan...

can compete with these tits!

So what if you're never going
to be a stand-up comedian.

Look at what greets you at the door.

- Shit.
- Get down from there right now.

You think Bob Newhart's
got a set of these at home?

Rickles, maybe.

Aah! Hey!

Let's go.

- Hey, fuck Penny Pan!
- Bravo!

This is not what you think.

She's a housewife. She
doesn't know the rules.

Yeah, yeah. We can
discuss it at the station.

- Station? What station?
- Come on. Let's go!

Come back next week!

I don't understand what's going on.

You're under arrest.

- What? Why?
- Public indecency

and performing without
a cabaret license.

You need a license
to do that? Seriously?

Yeah, yeah. You can bitch all about it

to your friend in the back seat there.

- Go ahead.
- Get in there.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hi.

Here you go.

Thanks, Judy.

You bailed me out?

My good deed for the year.

You get chick raped?

I don't think so.

- Here.
- It's still night out.

Yep.

I feel different.

You were in there for 20 minutes.

20 minutes can change you.

- Not really.
- I'm a con now.

- Not quite.
- I've got a rap sheet.

- No, you don't.
- I'm hard.

I'm a hard, used woman. Is my hair gray?

- No, it's not.
- It feels gray.

- Jesus Christ.
- I had it all.

I had everything I'd always wanted,

and now it's all falling apart.

Okay. Come on.

Mikey.

Look at all the people.

They look so happy. Are they high?

Yes, they are.

Must be nice.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

I don't think I've ever been so tired.

Have some nuts.

Do you notice I'm not
wearing my own shoes?

I'm not. Don't know
what happened, either.

Now I'm just a single,
gray-haired ex-con

drinking hooch and eating old nuts

in someone else's shoes.

Listen, if you're still upset
about your husband, don't be.

The guy was a fraud and a loser.

You don't know him.

I know he was doing Bob Newhart's act.

Everybody steals, right?

You didn't.

I didn't what?

House party tonight.

Steal. You didn't steal.

Your shit was totally original.

Don't get me wrong. It was rough,

but I'm telling you, there
is definitely something there.

I'm thinking maybe
we can meet somewhere,

bigger club, if I could
just get Baz to die.

- What are you talking about?
- About your act.

I don't have an act.

You will when we're done.

I don't understand.

You should do standup,
and I can help you.

- Oh, come on.
- I'm serious.

- I am a mother.
- Great. We'll use that.

One of your kids do something weird?

Tonight was an isolated incident.

There are medications I can take

to make sure that never happens again.

Look, 15 years

I've been working in clubs, okay?

15 years watching every kind of loser

get up there thinking he's Jack Benny.

Twice have I seen
someone deliver the goods.

First time, guy walks in...

West Coast, suntanned,
arrogant pain in the ass.

Three words into his
act, I fucking knew it.

I turned to Baz, and I said,
"That guy's gonna be famous."

- Who was he?
- Mort Sahl.

Oh, he's good. We saw him
at Grossinger's last year.

Yeah, well, the second time was tonight.

Stop it.

I know I'm right about this,

just like I know that unless
I somehow get rich enough

to hire some German broad
to walk me around the park

twice a day in my old age,

I'm gonna spend my entire life alone.

That's not true.

It's fine. I don't mind being alone.

I just do not want to be insignificant.

Do you?

Don't you want to do
something no one else can do?

Be remembered as something
other than a mother

or a housewife or member
of the Communist Party?

When did I become a member
of the Communist Party?

The minute you took that flyer.

What? Shit.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Yom Kippur. I'm
supposed to be fasting,

atoning for my sins in the eyes of God.

- So?
- So I'm eating peanuts.

You showed your tits to
half of Greenwich Village.

You think the fucking nuts are
what's going to piss Him off?

- I have to go.
- Hey, come on.

Thank you for my coat. I
paid full price at Saks.

Hey. Come back!

Miriam!

385 Riverside Drive. Wait.

Do I have money?

I do not have money.

I ain't got all day, lady.

"One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant."

Hey, don't you see?
That's part of the image.

Yeah, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat

and the... the string top?

You don't have the shawl?

Where's the shawl, Abe?

You left it in Washington?

What are you wearing now?

A sort of cardigan?

I went by the Gaslight,

and they told me to come here.

Is this your apartment?

Yeah.

Uh, I'll be by tomorrow at 10.

You don't have a very
long lease, do you?

Because you should move.

Hey, did you say 10? In the morning?

Hey!

You guys ever gonna tale
a broom to this place?

We've already got penicillin.
You don't need to grow it.

Just take your things and leave, Bruce.

I had three joints in my wallet.

I expect to find them all there.

Huh.

If you guys have some coke back there,

we could have a hell of a party.

You're not my wife.

No.

I thought my wife bailed me out.

- No. I did.
- Uh-huh.

Oh.

Thanks.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Uh, sure.

Do you love it?

Do I love what?

Comedy.

Standup. Do you love it?

Seriously?

Well, I've been doing it a while.

Okay, let's put it like this.

If there was anything
else in the entire world

that I could possibly
do to earn a living,

I would. Anything.

I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan,

crippled kid portrait painter,
slaughterhouse attendant.

If someone said to me,

"Leonard, you can
either eat a guy's head

"or do two weeks at the Copa,"

I'd say "Pass the fucking salt."

It's a terrible, terrible job.

It should not exist,

like cancer and God.

Sorry. I went to the
Varick station instead.

Why the hell would you do that?

Because you like Varick better.

Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick.

But do you love it?

Yeah.

He loves it.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com