All language subtitles for Me.MYSELF.and.I.S01E08.Home Alone.TBS.HI.C

I've lived in a lot of places,

but there's one house that, to me,

will always feel like home.

A house is something special.

It's a member of the family
that needs to be treated with

love and respect.

And if you let us stay
here alone overnight,

that's exactly what we intend on doing.

So on this,
the anniversary of the day you met,

let us give you the
greatest gift of all:

Not spending money on a babysitter.

So what do you think?

Well, Aunt Dee canceled.

So they either stay by themselves,

or we don't go to Laguna.

Oh, we're going to Laguna.

We need to go to Laguna.

- All right, you can stay.
- Both: Yes!

Just know that if you
get into any trouble,

we're not coming back.

- Yes, we will.
- Fine.

But there better be blood.

If you two are staying here alone,
there are some rules:

No junk food for dinner,

no rated-R movies,
and no eating candy in the bedroom.

Don't worry, Mom.
We'll follow all the rules.

[bright music]

We're breaking every
single one of those rules.

Oh, yeah.

- Now and Later?
- Yes and yes.

No matter what happens,

home has always been there
for me when I need it.

Thanks for letting me stay here
while Darryl's place gets fumigated.

Abby's with Sarah, so it'll just be me.

I hope I'm not imposing.

Don't be ridiculous.

Frankly, I could use the company.

Son of a bitch.

You should've seen this last one.

- What's happening?
- Data gathering!

Tomorrow I go in front
of the city council

to request a stop sign for our corner.

Your father has become
obsessed with cars

going too fast for the neighborhood.

I thought he was obsessed

with finding the perfect
pair of cargo shorts.

Every week of retirement
is a new, fun adventure.

Oh, I see you, Sentra.

And no matter how many days have passed,

that house represents
something special to me...

Which is probably why
I'm having a hard time

saying good-bye.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

Justin?

Little bro!

Bro who's barely older than me.

Hey, man.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Singapore.

Yeah, well,
I have a layover in LA for 36 hours,

then my company's sending me to London.

Man, this place never changes.

You know our secret candy
stash is still in that closet?

Yeah, I wouldn't eat that.

Mm. Oh, that is very stale.

Yeah.

And then, after I designed
the campaign that basically

launched the body
spray craze in Beijing,

the company asked me to go
to Vietnam to do the same thing.

Yeah, it's been a busy year.

But unfortunately, it has bumped me up
into the top tax bracket.

Yeah, man. I can relate to that
because I am also

in a tax bracket.

Things will turn around for you, champ.

You'll be out of that
garage soon enough.

Let me tell you a story
about a man who also faced

some big challenges. He was...

Sweetie, please
don't bring up Sully again.

I'm a pilot,
and he's our brightest star.

You know, I may have an interesting

business opportunity for you,
if you have time.

Well, Ron did put me on
a shift on the radar gun,

so yes, please!

Our company does a lot of arena events,

and we're looking for someone
to build a better t-shirt cannon.

You know,
one that fires twice as far without,

and this is key,

horribly injuring anyone at close range.

Well, I do love cannons, and t-shirts,

and not horribly injuring people,

so, yeah, I'm in.

Yeah!

Well, Maggie, it looks like
you got the noon to 5:00 shift

on the radar gun.

Now if they go over 30,

I want you to hit them
with this air horn.

[horn blares]

Dad.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

This is awesome!
We're finally home alone!

We are going to have
the biggest party ever.

Are you kidding? They'll kill us.

Oh, Alex. Not tonight!

I'm talking about President's
Day weekend, junior year.

So three years from now?

Exactly.

We're just building up their trust.

An overnight here, a weekend there,

and then, bang!
We hit them with a rager.

I mean, hey,
if we're not throwing a party,

maybe I can invite Nori over.

- No parents, no Phil Ricozzi...
- No!

I mean, "No" in a normal voice.

I just think having her here

alone with us would be uncomfortable.

Why?

["There She Goes" by the La's plays]

♪ ♪

Oh, crap.

Because we're gonna
watch an R-rated movie!

There might be boobs,
and we can't see boobs with a girl.

Can't argue with that logic.

Besides, tonight is more than
the anniversary of the night

my dad met your mom,

it's the anniversary of the day
that led us to becoming bros.

We should spend it together.

Just the two of us!

- That's really...
- Sweet?

I know, I'm a sweetheart.

Mr. Riley!

You didn't have to come
to the open house!

I just thought I would stop by.

See how things are going.
Woo-hoo! Cookies.

Those are for the potential buyers.

They're gonna love them. They're great.

Takes you back, doesn't it?

- Justin!
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

Had a meeting in town this morning.

It was the annoying
environmentalist who's still

holding up my Hyperloop.

Figured I'd stop by and
see how the sale was going.

- Ooh, cookies.
- Governor, I'm sorry. They're for the...

Whatever!

I can't believe we're
letting this old place go.

You remember the first time
we stayed here all alone?

We watched our first
R-rated movie together.

Lot of boobs.

And this is where we got drunk
for the first time together.

Oh, yeah. We threw up there,
and some over there.

And a little over there.

Justin, come on, man.
How can we sell this place?

It's like selling a
part of our childhood.

Alex, we are not having
this argument again.

The place has been
sitting vacant for years.

It's time to let it go.

Fine.

But I'm not voting for you
in the next election.

[screaming]

I thought this movie
was supposed to be scary,

but I am so un-scared.

Yeah, it should be
rated R for "relaxing".

[knocking on door]

[screaming]

Who is it?

Pizza!

It sounds like a total lie.

Yeah.

But we did order a pizza.

That is true.

[screaming]

Yeah, that happens all the time.

Here's your Cheesy Clown pizzas;
that'll be $21.

Here you go.

Pretty big order.
Just you two little guys?

Yep! My brother and I are home alone
for the first time ever!

You know what? Keep the change.

$19? Are you sure?

Are you crazy?

You just let that guy
know that we're home alone

without any adult supervision.

Yeah, now he knows we're cool.

Or really, really easy to rob.

You gave him a huge tip.

Now he thinks we're alone and rich.

Oh, God, we are totally getting robbed.

100%, and 90% getting murdered.

You are so good at math.

This is awful! I don't want to die!

I want to live to kiss Nori Sterling!

- Me too!
- What?

I mean I want to live to kiss somebody.

And you said Nori Sterling,
so I just thought we were

using her as a placeholder
for all womankind.

This is bad.

Wait. We're home alone!

There's a movie that tells
kids exactly what to do

in situations like this!

"Home Alone."

I-I got it.

Ooh. Not a bad setup you've got here.

My family's spending our
fumigation in a motel room

with three TV channels,
none of which are in English.

And let me tell you,
"Senor Belveder" does not hold up.

Hey, check it out.

I already got a mock-up
of the t-shirt cannon.

This baby's powerful
enough to launch a hoodie.

Yeah, about that.

I had kind of a weird phone
call with Justin's company

about billing.

Look at us! You're making calls,

I'm firing t-shirts at stuff,

we are having a day!

The thing is they have
no record of this job.

No, it's all good, man.

Justin already gave me
the first check. It's right here.

Yeah, Alex, this is a personal check
from your stepbrother.

Yeah, but he probably
just gets reimbursed

from the company later.

Yeah, that's not how
any company anywhere

deals with payroll.

Dude, I think Justin made
up this job as an excuse

to give you money.

What? Why would he do that?

Never mind,
I just thought of so many answers

to that question.

But still, I'm not a charity case, okay?

I don't need Justin's help.
I'm not taking his money.

[cannon fire]

Okay, well maybe just a little
bit to pay for the lamp.

Okay, if anyone enters the house,

they're gonna set off the Alex
Riley Burglar Buster 5000,

patent pending.

This trip line releases
the bowling ball...

which will activate the counterweight,

which will hoist the
intruder up into the air,

while shooting them with the net cannon.

Also, I set up
motion-activated deterrents

- at every point of entry.
- Great.

I put a few of my Hot
Wheels on the floor.

You know, to trip people.

That also took you 40 minutes?

Yes.

Okay, well I ran everything
through this power strip.

As soon as I hit this switch,

we'll totally be safe.

[electronic crackling]

[upbeat music]

Okay, we're dead.

Okay, don't panic.

All we need to do is make
some torches so we can see.

I'll break off some chair legs...

[knocking on door]

Hey, kids! I'm back.

You're right, we're dead. What do we do?

Hide!

[knocking on door]

Seriously, guys,
I think I left my wallet in there.

Guys?

Ow! What was that for?

For giving me money.
What is the matter with you?

You found out the job was fake?

You gave me a personal check.

There is no payroll that works like that

is a thing that I just learned.

Well, I'm sorry, okay?

I know you're going
through a rough patch.

And I also know this is the
only way you would accept help.

By inventing a fake job for me to do?

Look, man. I worry about you.

I wake up every day doing what I love.

Sure, usually it's in a garage,
or at my parent's house,

but I have faith that everything
will fall into place.

What scares me is the idea
of spending my life at a job

that I know I'm just
doing for the money.

Wow.

- Did you just make that up?
- Part of it.

I lifted some of it
from a Sully interview

that Ron made me watch.

But the sentiment still stands.

Life's gonna throw
a lot of geese at you.

Don't let them bring you down.

Hi, so what do you think of the place?

It's amazing.
Exactly what we're looking for.

Oh, yes. It is a very special home.

I mean we'd obviously have
to knock down this wall,

and maybe this one too.

Ooh, that would really
open up the living room.

Yeah, yeah, you could do that,

if you were house destroying
monsters who hated happiness.

I think an open floor
plan is a lovely idea.

Bring in some nice feng shui.

Could you excuse us for a second?

What the hell are you doing?

These people seem really interested!

Feng shui, what the hell do
you know about feng shui?

Actually when I lived in Beijing,
I apprenticed

under a feng shui master.

Okay, fine, so you know
a lot about feng shui.

Listen to me. If somebody
wants to change this place,

it's not an attack on
us or our childhood.

It's just a building.

You get that, right?

Yes, Justin. I get that.

Okay.

I'm thinking of tearing
this place down and building

something more contemporary.

[gasps]

No! No, no, no! No!

No, I'm sorry. Everybody out!

Go, everybody, go! Out! Out!

None of you are worthy of this house!

It is no longer for sale.
Lady, drop the cookie.

[upbeat music]

If we die at the hands of some pizza guy

slash killer clown, I want you to know

that you have been the
best older brother a guy

39 days younger than
you could ever hope for.

I'm not that great.

What are you talking about?

I need to confess something.

I kind of...

I have an overwhelming crush on Nori.

I saw her in slo-mo.

What? How could you do this to me?

Where are you going?

You're the worst big brother ever,

and I'd rather die alone.

[creaking]

Uh-oh.

Ow!

Little bro!

We are so good at traps.

What is Ron doing?

Oh, making his own stop sign
because he was turned down

by city hall.

That doesn't seem remotely legal.

When safety is outlawed,
only outlaws will be safe!

Everyone, I have an announcement.

Alex helped me realize
something very important

last night: that I'm not happy.

So I quit my job!

- You what?
- But you love your job.

I was just saying that, Dad.

I know I should love being
the rich, single guy

with a corporate credit card
and a series of model girlfriends.

Yes! You should!

But it doesn't fulfill me!

Not even a little?

Okay, yeah, a little bit.

But I want more! I want what Alex has.

Well, Alex has nothing!

- Ron!
- It's pretty accurate.

Alex is pursuing his dream!
That's what I want.

Life is too short for anything else.

What's your dream?

I have no idea.

- Oh, God.
- No, this could be good.

He's gonna take some time off,

figure out what he wants
while living off his savings.

Oh, I have no savings.
I spent it as fast as I got it.

I have three dune buggies.

Why?

Well, because my buddy Fred had two.

But now I have something more valuable
than any number of dune buggies.

Hope.

Thank you, little bro.

No, no, no, no, no reason
to give me all the credit.

- No, I owe it all to you.
- Oh, no way.

Yay.

Sorry.

He broke the good one.

Okay, what kind of jobs have
you always wanted to do?

Okay, sports agent.

Fighter pilot, race car driver,

bartender but fancy...

Okay, now are these jobs that you want

or roles Tom Cruise has played?

Can't they be both?

Yeah, okay. I don't think we're ready
for pen and paper just yet.

Oh, God! This is so hard.

I mean, how did you know you
wanted to be an inventor?

I guess I just always knew.

Man, I wish I had something like that.

Justin, not everybody
has to have a dream.

You know some people just have
jobs and enjoy their lives.

You always seemed like that type of guy.

Why don't you just ask
for your old job back?

It seemed like a pretty good gig.

Burned that bridge. Scorched earth.

Here's the e-mail I sent
to my boss last night.

Wow, yeah. That... pretty definitive.

Yeah.

You're lucky this guy's name rhymed
with so many curse words.

Come on, man. Get me out of here!

No.

This is a great opportunity
for me to explain.

There is nothing to explain.

You're supposed to be my brother,

but you're in love with the same girl

- that I'm in love with.
- It's not my fault.

I just suddenly noticed the way
the sun glistens off her hair.

And how her eyes were that
piercing shade of blue,

- and how her...
- I know what she looks like.

Trust me, if I could make
my feelings for her go away,

I would.

I'd make mine go away, too.

But do you know how painful
it is to want a girl

who doesn't want you?

I do now.

All right, look. I like Nori,

but so does most of the eighth grade.

And the seventh grade.

And don't forget Mr. Murphy's
lingering looks during Algebra.

Adding you to the long list
of people who like Nori

isn't going to make that
much of a difference.

Exactly. We can get through this.

Can we start with you
getting me out of this thing?

Oh, right.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, look at this!

Pizza guy left his wallet here.

His name's Mervyn.

Both: Mervyn.

[knocking on door]

[screaming]

Guys!

Well, what do you think?

I think the letters are
spaced out a little weird,

but point gets across.

- [siren bloops]
- I do too.

And we're going to jail.

We got a complaint that
someone was installing

their own stop sign.

Look, I tried to go through
proper channels here.

How about a little
professional courtesy?

- Oh, you're a cop?
- Pilot. 23 years with TWA.

And then six months with Dollar
Jet when my eyes started to go.

But we're both men of uniform.

Yeah, I bet you guys
have a lot of co-workers

with similar mustaches. Cops and pilots.

He made me do this. I have a daughter.

Hey. Everything okay over here?

It will be once these
two get rid of that.

Really? You're gonna keep an old man
from making his neighborhood safer?

Maybe don't talk back to the cop.

Also, old man?

I can still do more
push-ups than both of you.

- All right, fine.
- Dad, come on.

Either we get rid of this thing,

or I'm writing you a citation.

Whoa, hold on now.

The only citation this man deserves

is for patriotism.

This country was
founded on the idea that

when change is necessary,
we make that change.

I'm sorry, he's going through
a bit of a midlife crisis.

It's true, I'm trying to
figure out what my dream is.

And I have no idea.

This man, this man right here, he does.

His dream is an octagonal
red sign and a neighborhood

free from speeding cars and
no one should have the right

to take that away from him.

[applause]

Wow, I really respect your passion.

So we can keep the sign!

No, this thing's still very illegal.

Also, it looks like
my six-year-old made it.

But that was a hell of a speech.

I'd vote for you if
you ran for something.

There you go, sir.

[upbeat music]

Vote for me? That's interesting.

Hey, little bro.

- Mind if I join you?
- Your room as much as mine.

And there.

What?

That first night we got drunk,
we threw up there too.

[laughter]

That was some party we threw
in our junior year, huh?

Yep, spent three years building up

Dad and Maggie's trust
and blew it in one night.

Mm-hmm. And I'd do it again, too.

[laughter]

[sighs]

- I miss them.
- Me too.

I remember walking in this
house for the first time.

And I was terrified.

Everybody said having a
stepbrother would be the worst.

Yeah, but turned out
I was a total sweetheart.

Yes, you were.

[thud]

What's that?

Ah! Where did you guys come from?

Wait! You don't...

Oh, there you boys are.

Come on! I am so sorry.

Our boys love playing hide and seek.

Huh!

You have a lovely home.
I bet it was a great place

to grow up.

Really?

You like it? The way it is?

So much,
but it's way out of our price range.

[upbeat music]

Maybe we could work something out.

Here's the thing.

That house was the best home I ever had.

But a home is more than just a house.

It's how the people in
that house make you feel.

Well, there we go:
the paperwork is officially filed.

When I get back to San Diego,
I am running for city council.

We're so proud of you, Justin.

I never would've figured this out
if it wasn't for my little bro.

Happy to help. Really.

I mean it's been a rough year, you know?

Everyone helping me,
Darryl giving me a place to live,

you giving me that pity money...

It's nice to help someone
else for a change.

People helping people.
That is what it's all about.

Oh, by the way,
definitely don't cash that check now.

I'm gonna need every cent of that.

Got it.

You guys are gonna vote for me, right?

Of course.

Well, we live in a different city,
so no.

Come on,
like you're gonna let that stop you.

Okay, not a great start.

Home is also about the memories you make

with those people while you're there.

What do you think happened?

Who cares what happened?
Laguna happened.

[laughter]

Even after you leave a house,

the home you had there
stays with you forever.

And the best part is,

when you do eventually
leave that house...

- Go in the kitchen...
- Okay.

Hi! Welcome!

This is where we can hide our candy!

Perfect!

...it gets to be
somebody else's home too.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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