Original subtitles

Once upon a time in New York, there was a cop named Charlie.

He was a very decent guy, as was his partner, Bo.

He was a good listener.

He loved kids.

He had patience and common sense.

He was resourceful.

Come on, let's go. Watch your step. Come on, keep it moving.

Okay, people, let's go. Let's go. Come on, let me get through.

Let me get through now. Make way, come on. Step lively now, come on.

He was just a good cop.

Charlie lived happily in Queens, where he was born and had lived all of his life.

-Yo, Charlie. -Jesu. How are you?

-Kill anybody today? -Didn't even wound anybody.

Been really slow.

-You're not gonna see your wife? -No, she doesn't like me to surprise her at work.

Charlie was married to Muriel. She hated Queens.

I don't know. If he was a detective or an undercover cop...

...at least he'd have decent clothes.

You know? But that's not for him. He's gotta wear the uniform.

I feel for you, honey. Because you got driving ambition.

I know. I never pushed him enough.

If he was on the take, at least I'd say, "Okay. He has initiative."

My sister was married to a cop for 10 years. It's a no-win situation.

Either they're honest and you're broke, or they're crooks and they never come home.

So your sister, what did she do?

She left the cop and married an electrician. That's your real money.

I'm running out of patience. I tell you, I'm a person who needs money.

And then there was Yvonne, a waitress, who's about to get some terrible news.

Miss Biasi, according to your records here, you owe $12,000 on your MasterCard.

Your Honor, those charges were incurred by my ex-husband...

...Eddie Biasi, the actor, after I threw him out.

The bank is not aware of your divorce.

Because we're not divorced yet. But I told him, "You have to tear up the credit cards."

And he promised--

If you're not divorced yet, you're still liable for any and all debts your husband has incurred.

But I am divorced in my heart. You know? I mean, and that's what counts.

Legally, that's not what counts.

But do you know how much it costs to get divorced? Have you ever been divorced?

Probably not. Probably not. Probably you haven't.

Probably you've had good luck your entire life.

Which is great. Which is the opposite of me.

Miss Biasi, if the MasterCard is in your name, it's still your responsibility.

Listen, please. I came to New York from Pittsburgh five years ago, to be an actress.

I had done "Our Town" in college.

Let me tell you something. Played Emily. People were crying buckets.

-I'm sure they were. -Will there be anything else?

So I come to New York, and I meet Eddie.

Talk about the worst luck of all. Your Honor, he swept me off my feet.

He bought me flowers, he took me on taxi rides, and real restaurants.

With linen and wine and good lighting, you know?

Everything was so perfect, except he turned out to be this pathological liar.

And I believed every word he said...

...because I used to have all this faith in people. You know?

So.... So, like, in short...

...what are my options here?

Charlie, Muriel and Yvonne all lived in a city...

...where people prayed for miracles every day.

Like winning the $64 million lottery.

My name is Angel.

The story you're about to see, well, it's pretty much all true.

I had a dream last night.

I was playing a slot machine, and I got three cherries, but they wasn't cherries.

They were my father's face, the face of my dead father. It's a sign.

But you hated your father.

Makes no difference I hated him. A sign is a sign.

I know you think I'm nuts, but I tell you, we're gonna win.

I didn't say you were nuts.

I just said the odds of us winning the lottery are not overwhelming.

And you know what? It's okay.

One bedroom in Queens is not my idea of living.

One bedroom in Queens is fine.

If we had kids.... If we had kids, it would be another story.

-We don't have the money to have kids. -Of course we have the money to have kids.

Cops have kids. Firemen have kids.

If only rich people had kids, there wouldn't be public schools.

Charlie, just get the ticket this morning, please.

She gotta get real. You gotta tell her:

"I'm the man. I'm out here every day, getting it done...

...getting paid, bringing it home." You know what I'm saying? She gotta listen to you.

-You can't be serious. -It takes two minutes.

I'm starving, man.

-Hey, people, this is police business, step aside. -Bo, Bo.

-It'll take two minutes. -Sorry. Sorry.

This is gonna take forever. Then the Burger King's another five blocks.

-So we'll eat across the street. We never went there. -What, that place? Oh, no.

-Where the hell were you? -I told you yesterday, Sal.

Five times. A personal matter, I couldn't help it. Hi, Carol.

You are two hours late. It comes off your paycheck.

What? Do you know how many sick days I have coming?

You want a sick day, get sick. If you're healthy, you work.

Get me some coffee.

-On your head, sweetie pie. -Thanks.

-That guy sets a nice tone here, huh? -Yeah, like a drill sergeant.

Here we go.

-You guys want some coffee? -Please.

Please.

-You guys know what you want? -Cheeseburger deluxe, medium.

And while I'm waiting, a blueberry muffin.

All right.

And you, officer?

You recommend the lobster thermidor?

That's really funny. I mean, I think I'm just gonna die laughing.

The kind of day I've had so far. I can't even tell you what a treat this is.

You've had a bad day?

-Call me when you're ready. -A meatball sandwich.

Really. That's what I want.

-Meatball? -Meatball.

You are very brave, officer.

She likes you. Yeah, she really likes you.

I was trying to cheer her up.

We got a store alarm on Spring Street and a naked man in traffic...

-Well, I'm full. -...on Sullivan.

Shit, I'm gonna starve to death.

-Your turn for the check. -Okay.

-Miss, we gotta run, so we'll just take a check. -After that whole routine?

-When those radios go off.... -Where, where? Where did I--?

Thank you.

All right, so that's two coffees plus taxes. Two even.

Oh, jeez. I'm short.

-Fine, officer. No charge. -No, I have the check.

I just don't have enough for a tip.

-I'll live. -I can't not leave a tip.

So leave a tip.

A lottery ticket?

With my luck? Be serious. No. Go, get the cat out of the tree or whatever it is that you do.

No, that would be the Fire Department.

-Come on, Charlie, let's go. -In a second.

Listen, I got an idea. What's your name?

Yvonne? Yvonne, I'm Charlie Lang, and we're partners.

If this ticket wins, I'll come back tomorrow and split the proceeds.

If it doesn't, I'll still come back and leave you a tip. What do you think?

-I think I'm never gonna see you again. -You'll see me tomorrow.

-Well, I'll be here. -You've got a deal.

All right, five more minutes.

-Charlie. -Yeah.

I ordered Chinese. Come up.

-In a minute. -What, are you whipped?

No, I'm not whipped. I've got adult responsibilities. Next batter.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

That's it. I'm out of here. Where's the ball?

I'm coming, Mom.

-Are you whipped, Jesu? -It's my mother, there's no comparison.

-See you tomorrow, kiddo. -Yeah. Night, Charlie.

Did you, by any chance, have surgery last night?

You mean these? No. No, this is just a prosthetic bra....

Charlie, come on. Don't do that next to me. That's disgusting.

-I'm just soaking my feet. -Please.

I just can't believe it's you.

Well, it's not. But it's gonna be.

-Since when did this bother you? -Since now, okay?

Oh, God! Charlie, now you're spilling water all over the place.

Maybe I should call the Red Cross. I'll tell them we're a federal disaster area. God!

As a matter of fact, I have some a couple of sizes larger that I'll change into after work.

-Charlie. -What?

You think I should get my boobs done?

-Done? -Yeah, you know, enlarged.

So I could be like that.

What, are you nuts? It seems so extreme.

-Forget it. -I just don't think you need it.

Forget it.

Look, the problem is that I had to declare bankruptcy.

My MasterCard got taken away. What I wanna know is when I'm gonna be able to get it back.

What are my chances?

-Under 15,000 a year? MasterCard. -Shall I speak to them? Love to.

Yeah? Well....

Wait. I see.

Well, thank you. That's what I thought.

-What did they say? -Slim to none. Those are my chances.

Well, the lotto jackpot has grown to over $64 million.

We'll check the winning numbers when we return.

-You got the numbers wrong. -Wrong?

-Our anniversary is on the 27th, not on the 26th. -We always celebrate on the 26th.

We got the license on the 26th. We got married on the 27th.

-So why do we go out on the 26th? -I don't know, maybe it's custom.

Look, the fact is that I specifically told you our anniversary.

To anybody with any sense in their heads, that means the day they got married.

-I am sorry, darling. -Twenty-six, 64, 84.

Did he say 26?

Those numbers, again, are...

...6, 12, 16, 26, 64, 84.

-What? -We won. We got the jackpot.

-That's unbelievable. -We're rich. We're rich. We're rich.

-The jackpot? -We're rich, rich, rich.

-What are we having, honey? -BLT down with turkey bacon.

-Any Miracle Whip? -Of course I have Miracle Whip.

No matter how broke I am, there's just certain things, certain standards.

You have to have things in your life that are stable, that are permanent, eternal.

-Oreos. Smuckers. -Exactly.

-Thank you. -Will there be anything else?

Will there be anything else?

There'll never be anything else.

God, I hate this. I feel bankrupt.

What?

Oh, God. A bowling team from Albany had the same numbers.

-They get 9 million. -Why am I not surprised?

-Well, how many are there on the team? -I don't know. Twelve guys is the average league.

Okay, well, do each of these guys get a piece, or do you consider them all as one?

Muriel, Muriel. The veins, they're bulging out of your neck.

You look like a psycho.

What? All right. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay, the bowlers, thank God, they only count as one.

But that's 16 people that picked these numbers. Oh, God.

That only leaves us with...

...four million.

We could live on that, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We could live on less, even.

Let's just pray to God that nobody else calls in, so we don't have to split it with them.

What?

What?

What, Charlie? You're making me nervous. What?

Honey...

...I've got something to tell you.

-A complete stranger? Charlie. -I owed her a tip.

A tip? Two million dollars? Come on.

I never thought we'd win, darling. I never thought we'd win.

But we did win, just like I told you we were going to.

But if we'd used your numbers, we wouldn't have won.

Don't do that. Don't do that, Charlie. Because you know and I know...

...that in my dream, my dead father came to me through the slot machine.

And in his eyes there were dollar signs and a "4" in place of the pupil.

Come on, Charlie. You wanna blemish his sacred memory?

That's ridiculous. He was a nut job, your father, he prayed to chickens.

He wants us to have the 4 million.

My God, do you think if he intended us to have half...

My God, do you think if he intended us to have half...

...wouldn't there be a "2" instead of a "4" inside the eyeballs?

It's not the right thing.

The right thing? Charlie, what the hell is that?

You've been doing the right thing your whole entire life for everybody else.

Just this once, please, do the right thing for us.

I gave her my word.

Charlie....

-Honey, do you love me? -Of course I love you.

Then stiff her. Stiff her and smell the flowers. For me.

-What would you do? -I'd buy the Knicks.

I mean, about the girl.

I'd take her to the Garden so she could watch me play.

I'd start myself as a very small, round forward.

So you agree with Muriel, right? Giving her half is crazy?

If I can't have the Knicks, I want those season tickets...

...where you sit on the floor with Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee. And the waiters bring you food.

-A promise is a promise. -And one of those stereo systems...

...that you can hear in every room in your house.

You see, that way you don't have to be carrying around that boom box with you.

I could tell her I just won 5,000. I could do that.

Yeah, yeah, you could.

So, what's that? Season tickets, stereo system, Mazda GL6?

-I couldn't do that. I couldn't just lie like that. -A boat. I've never even been in a boat.

-Come on, are you listening to me? -I know you, man. You'll do the appropriate thing.

-Which is? -I don't know. That's your field.

Okay. So we have tuna on whole wheat, one scrambled soft, toast crisp, tea with lemon.

-Sugar's at your table. -Thanks.

-Everything okay here? Good, good. -Yeah, thanks.

Morning.

-You're back. -I said I'd be back.

-Coffee? -No, thanks. Actually, I just wanted to--

I really wanna apologize for yesterday. I was so rude.

It's just that it was pretty much the worst day of my life, from start to finish.

-Yvonne, let's go, wake up. -Impossible today.

-I'm impossible? Yvonne's dreaming here. -Quit the socializing.

Don't go anywhere, I want to apologize to you in detail.

Okay. Western for you, Walter.

And for Timothy, some nice oatmeal like Mom used to make.

My mother never made oatmeal in her life. My mother never made food in her life.

Bloody Marys, she made. White Russians....

-But she had a great personality. -So did Imelda Marcos.

-Well, she produced a nice son, right? -You're okay, you know that?

Eat.

-He's got it, huh? -Yeah, a couple of years. Come in twice a week.

He's really starting to go downhill, though, you know? In and out of the hospital....

What a world, huh? Really.

Makes you wanna appreciate every moment, you know, not be petty or spiteful.

-I know just what you mean. -Yvonne.

Speaking of which....

What I have here is a check for $9.53. What I do not have is the $9.53.

He went to get his wallet out of the car. He said--

Never let them out the door.

-What am I running here, a soup kitchen? -I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

You sure did, gorgeous. And the $9.53, it gets deducted from your check. Bring me some coffee.

Let me.

Enjoy.

-Now, that's coffee. -So, what'll it be?

-They're actually.... They're right.... -Amazing, but true.

We are all out of cantaloupe, and the grapefruit's all dried out, so....

No, I'm not hungry.

The thing is, I got something for you.

-For me? -It's just, you know, a trifle.

May I?

It's one of those little strings that you connect to your glasses...

...so that they hang around your neck.

And that way you'll know where they are. At all times.

This is the nicest thing anyone's ever gotten me.

-I certainly hope not. -It's close.

You sure that I can't get you anything? Like a coffee or tea?

Decaf, please. I've reached my target heart rate for the day.

Decaf it is.

-So, you've had bad luck? -Unbelievable.

When I was 11, my dog died of parvo.

I still don't even know, to this day, what parvo is.

I married the wrong man. I mean the wrong, by a lot, man.

You know?

Now I can't afford to get divorced. I mean, except for yesterday....

You know, I'm used to my luck.

But yesterday, I actually went bankrupt before I came into work, which was....

That's why I was so rude to you.

-You went bankrupt? -Yep.

-Look. From the officer. -That's sweet, honey.

-Wait. -What?

About our little agreement.

Double the tip, or half of what I won in the lottery.

-That agreement. -How about we make it your choice.

Door one, double the tip. Door two, half of what I won in the lottery.

My choice? Okay.

Whatever. I'll take door number two. I'll take half of the lottery. Pay up.

-You're sure? -Positive.

-I was hoping you'd say that. -I'll bet you were. Better luck next time, right?

Actually, we were.... We were pretty lucky.

-Really? Did you win something? -We won something.

All right. We won something? What did we win?

Four million dollars.

-Why are you doing this? -What?

This sick joke.

-No, it's not a joke. -This is not a joke?

-No. -No? What you're telling me....

What you're saying to me.... You really....

-What, you think I'd make this up? -Yes, yes, I do.

I'm not. We won.

The lottery? The New York State--? The "lottery" lottery?

The actual New York State lottery? Four million dollars?

Yes, 4 million is our share. It happened last night. It would've been more...

...except a bowling team from Albany called in...

...they took about 9 million out of the pot, but we won.

And you're telling me that you're actually going to split it with me?

A promise is a promise.

Oh, my God.

-You all right? -Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

Now I know why all these bad things happened. I know why now.

It's so this stupendous, phenomenal, unbelievably great thing could happen to me.

Because I had such bad, horrible, horrible luck before, no one would even mind.

Who wants ice cream on their pie?

-I do! -Who wants pie?

Thank you.

Wait a minute. I can't accept this, can I? I mean....

I can't accept this. I mean, I want to, so desperately I want to, but....

But there's this part of me, this neurotic part of me--

Accept it.

-How can I? -Accept it. I want you to have it.

-With all my heart. -Yvonne, take it.

Muriel, $2 million is still an enormous amount of money.

You should be committed to an insane asylum for the rest of your natural life.

They should put you in a straitjacket and take you to the loony bin...

...on Staten Island that Geraldo Rivera is always exposing.

Now, look, sweetheart, you weren't there. Okay?

This girl, she's got customers with AIDS, and she treats them like an angel.

-She's got a boss from hell. -Why did you stop at half?

Why didn't you just give her all the money?

-Would you get off my foot? -Look, we're doing the right thing.

You know what? The whole city will admire you. Everybody will know you. You'll be a celebrity.

Well, maybe I could get some commercial endorsements out of this.

Absolutely. "Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold."

You can endorse shampoos, conditioners...

...nail polish, nail polish remover.

"Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold."

Well, I'd better get something out of this.

-Bowling for dollars. Bowling for dollars. -I want my check, Harry.

I want my check.

Some of New York's luckiest people gathered here in midtown Manhattan...

..here to stake their claim in the state's $64 million lotto jackpot.

So you promised Miss Biasi if your ticket came in, you'd split it?

That's right. As a tip.

As a tip? Hey. We got a cop that gave a waitress a $2 million tip.

We're gonna open our own bowling alley.

-You insulted the guy. -I insulted the guy? Next time, you talk.

-I'd like a little cottage in the country. -Excuse me.

-Excuse me. Excuse me. -Mrs. Lang, how do you feel?

-I'm Mrs. Lang. -Mrs. Lang? You're Mrs. Lang.

Oh, my God. Here. These are for you.

What an incredible woman you are to give $2 million...

-...to someone you don't even know. -You have no idea.

Mrs. Lang, do you have any trouble with the fact your husband split $4 million with a stranger?

Not at all. In the beauty parlor that I work, I've always been known as...

...Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold.

And if there are any sponsors out there, like Denorex...

...which I personally use, you know, because the air in my--

Guys!

We've got to get the winners together for a group picture.

-Miss Biasi, what are you gonna do with the money? -A new car? Bigger apartment?

I haven't thought about it yet. It's so unexpected, you know?

Well, a promise is a promise.

Muriel Lang, woman with the heart of gold.

Oh, actress briefly, but it didn't work out.

Denorex. Works out each individual dandruff.

-Officer Lang, you gonna stay on the force? -I'm gonna buy the force.

-Yvonne? -So it's "Yvonne" already?

-Is this the biggest tip you've ever received? -Definitely.

Muriel.

-Have you ever won anything before? -Never.

-Never. -Big smile, everybody.

Come on, she has no taste. That outfit, it looked like it came from the '60s.

I thought she looked just fine.

She's not flashy. She's just a waitress.

Beauty is my business, defer to my judgment, okay?

My God, it's Bendel's. Oh, honey, what a feeling it is to come here with money.

God bless you.

Would you stop giving it away to every bum on the street.

God bless you.

-Now I'm happy. -I'm glad, sweetheart.

-Now I'm at peace with myself. -I'm glad, sweetheart.

Just a quick stop at Tiffany's, and I'll be born again.

Fur's for animals, not for people.

Excuse me.

This is Eleanor Smith of MasterCard credit services.

We're calling with the happy news that you are now eligible...

...Miss Yvonne Biasi, for a $20,000 line of credit.

Please call me at 1-800-555-2000.

-I've died and gone to heaven. -Hi, Yvonne, congratulations on winning.

My name is Paul, and I'd like you to spank my tushy with a wire brush.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

I've got to change my number.

Hello, this is Yvonne. At the beep, please leave a message.

Hello? Sweetheart?

I'll bet you're there.

I know, I know. You're mad at me because I emptied the checking account.

-But, baby, I can explain. -Stay out of my life, Eddie.

You are there. Hi, baby.

The only reason you're calling is you read about me and the lottery.

-You want a piece of it. -What? You won something?

-Die. -No, baby. I'm serious.

I've been out of town. What, the lottery, you said? That's fabulous.

You did good?

I did all right.

Well, that's great, baby. Nobody deserves it more. I mean that.

From the bottom of my heart.

-Hello? -Please don't ever call me again.

-So when are you retiring? -I'm not retiring.

-Yeah, right. -I'm not retiring. Get off my case.

Where's that sense of humor?

What would you do? Three in the morning, a guy calls...

...says he's holding a Luger to his head...

...unless you give him $1,000 he's pulling the trigger.

If he called me at 3:00 in the morning, I'd tell him to go ahead.

-That really happen? -Last night. This lottery thing....

From one day to the next, you become this other person.

-It's just weird. -I feel bad for you, baby.

I'm not badmouthing it, all right? I'm just saying, it's an adjustment.

Sun. How are things in the mysterious East?

-Very good. Very busy. -No unjustified price increases?

No, no, no. Never.

Good. Two coffees, one regular, one light.

-How's the wife? -She has the flu.

I'm sorry to hear that.

On the house.

-Thank you. -Thank you. That's very sweet of you.

Down there, make a right.

Our favorite Korean is getting robbed right now.

You serious?

First he tells me his wife has the flu.

Oh, man, that bitch would work if she was dead.

-Then he gives me coffee for free. -Shit. He is getting robbed. How do we play it?

Stay out front so they can see you. I'll go through the basement.

-Don't be a hero. -Don't worry. Call for some back-up.

Faster.

Faster!

-Nobody moves. -Come on!

A carton of Virginia Slims.

That cop's just sitting out there.

Don't worry about the cop.

What was that?

Come here. Watch him.

Come on, let's go. Come on, pal. Move.

-What's back through there? -Nothing. No entrance.

-What about that door? -Empty. Basement. Just rats.

-Rats? -Big ones.

I hate rats. Don't you keep this place clean?

Nobody move. Nobody!

What's with this cop?

He's got nothing better to do than write tickets?

With all the crime in this city?

-What do we do? -Wait till he leaves.

-What if he doesn't leave, then what? -He'll leave. Just shut up.

-What's the matter with her? -I think she's having a heart attack.

-Shut up. -Call a doctor.

I'm the doctor here, honey.

Shit.

Come on. Get up, Charlie. Get up, man. You all right?

Get inside, inside, there's another one inside.

Get in. There's another one inside.

Come on, Charlie, get up, man. You all right, man?

-Why didn't you just shoot this asshole? -Too many customers.

-You all right, man? -Yeah, I'm great.

Oh, man, you got shot.

His heroism saved lives and prevented injuries, though not to himself.

And certainly not to the criminals he stopped.

So I give to Officer Charles Lang this citation for bravery...

...and wish him a quick recovery. Officer.

Thank you very much.

I guess this bullet was fate telling me to take it easy for a while.

At least, that's what my wife says.

I love being a cop, lottery or no lottery.

I think it's the most important job in the world.

So I'd like to announce that I'll be donating $10,000...

...to the Policemen's Widows' Fund.

Thanks a lot.

Charlie, you're too young to be hanging around here like an old man.

Hey, I'm injured. Don't you read the papers? Hero cop?

-If you're such a hero, play ball with one hand. -If I could, I would.

-See you. -Yeah, see you later.

-Good afternoon, sir. -Good afternoon.

-This looks like Beirut. -Isn't it great?

Oh, honey.

The building's going co-op next year, then we'll have a six-room apartment to sell.

-Mr. Patel told me. -Who?

Mr. Patel. Hi, I'm your accountant. Hello, pleased to meet you.

By the way, all the very best on your new fortune.

Thank you.

He says that we can make $100,000, pure profit, on this apartment.

Minimum.

And then we'll beat the state and city taxes if we move to Jersey within the year.

-But I don't wanna live in Jersey. I wanna stay here. -And do what? Play stickball?

It's the architect. Excuse me.

-Where's my chair? -I gave it to Goodwill.

But you know I love that chair. You could have asked me.

Why should I? You're the one that loves to give everything away.

Women. Who can live with them? And without them?

What?

-Gray's Antiques had another break-in. -Again?

Yeah. Two brothers walked off with a Biedermeier chest.

Then Gray says to me, "How could some black guys know how much this is worth?"

-Oh, come on. He said that? -Yeah. To me.

What did you say?

I said, "I guess they subscribe to the African-American Antiques Newsletter."

He pissed me off.

-I miss you, man. -I'm going out of my mind.

This is like hell.

My house is a wreck, and I got nothing to do....

Well, that's retirement.

-Well. "Yvonne's." -She bought it a couple of weeks ago.

Good for her.

-Can I get you anything else? -Tea, please.

Okay.

-Eight wants tea. -Okay.

-How's the soup? -Not enough basil.

You're kidding me. I'll see what I can do.

-Go in. Say hello. -Forget it, she's busy.

Come on, man. I know you're dying to go in there.

No, I've got to get home. By the way, I got you something.

-Season tickets to the Knicks. -Oh, shit!

-They're not on the floor-- -Knicks tickets, man? For me?

You gotta be really somebody to get them on the floor.

Don't worry about that, give me some.

-I gotta go home. -Knicks tickets.

-Man, oh, man. Seat 7. -I'm glad she's doing well.

I don't know why you had to bring this coat. It's a warm night.

Maybe I'll get a chill later. Just hold it.

-There certainly are a lot of people here. -Isn’t it great?

I feel like we're at the Academy Awards.

-Thank you. -I'm going to go circulate.

Okay, sweetheart.

-Here's your lipstick. -Oh, thanks.

I won $55 million, and increased my net worth by 40 percent...

...through a variety of well-chosen mutual funds.

-Forty percent? -At virtually no risk.

S & L funds, Biotech funds. Gold funds, they were a disaster.

Stay away from those.

Oh, I will. What do you think about Treasury Bills?

Well, they're for little old ladies. Which you certainly are not.

Aren't you a tiger.

How can you not have change for 20 dollars?

It's just not possible. You drive all day.

-We go get change. -No, we cannot go get change.

You have to break this.

Hi.

Well, hi. Hi. Can you break a 20?

Repeat after me: "Keep the change."

-"Keep the change." -Thank you.

Thank you.

-Oh my God, the boat. -Oh, no. Wait.

Wait!

I suppose your wife is....

She's in her element. Stockbrokers, CPAs, she'll probably have the time of her life.

-What about you? -I hate boats.

You wanna know the truth? I'm relieved.

-I think this is sturgeon. -This is definitely not sturgeon.

-It's just like velvet. -Scottish salmon. The very best.

More champagne?

-For pretentious California, it's not half bad. -You're not kidding. California?

Could have fooled me.

-Oh, God. This is living. -And it's just beginning.

-You can say that again. -And it's just beginning.

Very good.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure to have you here. Can I get you a cocktail? Or some champagne, perhaps?

-Champagne? Champagne. -Very good.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-You decided not to become an actress? -Yeah. I decided to become a waitress.

I had the "tress" part right.

-And I was a great waitress. -The "tress" part.

I saw you bought the place.

You saw?

-I passed by the other day. -And you didn't come in?

Well, I.... I don't know, I just.... I figured you were busy.

Please, you have to come in, you have to. You have to see what I did.

I established a table with your name on it, for people who couldn't afford a meal.

No.

Of course. After what you did. Of course.

What I did? I made a promise and I kept it, period.

-Most people would've done the same. -Nobody would've done the same.

Are you kidding? What you did was like a fairy tale.

And everyone gets to live happily ever after?

-Well, that's a hopeful sight. -You think?

I don't know.

I always wonder, what's in store for them?

Are they gonna be happy?

I mean, if she puts on 50 pounds or something, will he love her anyway?

-How long were you married? -Three years.

To an actor named Eddie.

Who suggested that if we had a child, we name him Al Pacino.

-Al Pacino Biasi. -Come on.

That's what I said.

Muriel and I met in high school, in one of those cooking classes...

...where all the guys dress up like Chef Boyardee.

And you figure any minute, there's gonna be a fire drill.

And you're all outside in your aprons?

Exactly. Even now, thinking about it, I get chills.

Anyhow, we started dating, and....

Muriel was the first girl I ever....

-Really? -Yeah.

-Well, that's sweet. -I guess.

We went down to the marriage-license bureau, and I remember, there was this other couple there.

They were Orthodox Jews. It was an arranged marriage.

An arranged marriage?

They weren't allowed to see each other. They were surrounded by their families.

They couldn't get a glimpse of each other.

And I remember thinking, "My God. They don't even know if they're attracted to each other.

They don't even know if they've got anything to talk about with each other."

And here it is, ten years later, and I bet they're happily married with six cute little kids.

But Muriel and I have nothing to say to one another. I don't know what happened.

It's like we're on two different channels now. I'm CNN, she's the Home Shopping Network.

How would you feel about dancing?

Oh, I'd be in favor of it.

When I was a rookie, I had the night shift, and I felt like an explorer.

Because there's this whole other city that goes on all night long.

-Am I talking incessantly? -Yes.

But I like it. I myself am a talker.

So, I don't know.

It's nice to meet somebody who you can just talk with, you know, and hang with.

Look, here's the thing. I'm free all the time, basically.

So if there's anything you ever wanna do during the day...

-...or you're alone and you don't wanna be.... -Really?

-Sure. -How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

-Too soon? -No, not at all.

Okay, great. Okay. So, I'll have Carol watch the register...

...and you could come by, pick me up at noon?

I'll be there.

-Okay. -All right.

Thank you.

-Good night. -Good night.

Hi. Weirdest thing happened. I thought I'd dropped my wallet outside.

Weirdest thing happened. I came outside because I was feeling a little seasick.

Weirdest thing happened.

I have some wonderful ideas.

-Specifically with you in mind. -Hi.

Weirdest thing happened.

Wasn't the veal fabulous?

Fabulous. That was what was so weird. I didn't expect veal. I expected chicken.

I would have come sit with you, but Mr. Gross here....

-Jack Gross. -My pleasure.

Pleased to meet you, officer.

Charlie, he's going to help us develop an economic strategy.

-What a great idea. -You have some girl here, officer. Smart.

Beautiful. And she knows what she wants.

-See? -I agree.

Thank you very much for a very stimulating evening, Mr. Gross.

My pleasure.

-If you ever need any advice, either of you.... -I will be calling.

-Well, ready? -Sure.

Come on, let's get upstairs. I gotta get my coat.

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

Oh, no.

-You're doing great. -I never had great balance.

I tried skiing once. They threw me off the Peter Rabbit slope.

-You gotta bend your knees. That's your problem. -That's one of them.

So now, there's a little bit of a hill here, so you might want to watch it, so don't--

-Slow down. -I can't slow down.

-Sure you can. -Sure I can-- I can't.

-Charlie, turn. -Okay.

-Are you okay? -Fine.

I mean, I'll probably catch leprosy from the water, but otherwise I'm okay.

So I guess this is it for you and rollerblading?

I would have to say yes.

Okay, your turn. What next? What do you want to do?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charlie Lang, and I've just won the lottery.

Tonight's ride home is on me and Miss Yvonne Biasi.

-What's going on? -The cop and the waitress are treating everybody.

-This is going to be hard to top. -I'll top it.

The time is now 5:16 p.m. Thank you for riding with the New York Transit Authority.

Welcome to Charlie Lang, Yvonne Biasi...

...Officer Bo Williams...

...and all the kids from Woodside, Queens.

I know, I know. I'm trying.

Out of there!

Third base!

Out of there!

Good one.

-Go. -All right.

-Come on. -Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

Okay. Well, hey. Hey!

It was a great day. It was a great day for me too.

-What the hell is she doing? -She's pissed, whatever she's doing.

Muriel.

Muriel!

-Congratulations, Mr. Token Man. -Oh, God.

-Honey, I'm home. -No. No, you have to leave.

These are fantastic.

-Stop eating my macadamia nuts. -Give me a kiss.

No. No, I'm serious, I'm serious.

-You can't stay here. Out. -Why? You expecting company?

-No. No. -No?

Not Officer Krupke, the saintly cop?

There's nothing going on between me and Charlie Lang. And he's not a saint...

...he's just simply a decent human being. Something you couldn't possibly--

If you eat one more of those nuts, I swear to you....

-Are you having an affair with this girl? -No, of course not. We just hang out together.

You should've heard that Russian bitch downstairs, "Oh, your husband and that waitress."

But, okay, what's the real issue here?

What's happening between us, or what some idiot neighbor thinks?

It's been like a cold war here. And every time I've tried to talk about it, you--

-All I have done is tried to make you happy. -No, that's not all you've tried to do.

I used to come home at night, and you'd throw your arms around me.

You'd kiss me and say, "How was your day?" When's the last time that happened?

Five years ago?

-I have no idea. It's not important. -No, but it is important.

It's history.

-You go around with this girl. -I'm not having an affair.

This thing between you and the cop, frankly, it's none of my business.

But there is one thing that's very important, and it's this.

Don't be afraid.

"The Eddie Biasi Players."

You want money. Of course you want money.

Just 50 grand in seed money. And then we're off and running.

Okay, honey, look. Picture this, picture this. Please, please.

Of course not. Not you, not Mr. Saintly. You're too good to have an affair.

Oh, God, Charlie. I'm just so sick of it. Your niceness and your decency.

But you wanna know what?

You're nothing. You're a working-class stiff. You are blue collar all the way.

I'm not gonna change, Muriel.

I know.

-So I want a divorce. -You want a divorce?

As soon as possible.

I have wings, Charlie. I want to fly.

Honey? Honey?

All right, look, babe, the bottom line is, I'm sticking around--

Which I have a right to do. --until you kick in.

Well, you stick around, because I am out of here.

-Where are you going, big shot? -Get away from that door.

Where are you going? The Plaza?

-Yeah, the Plaza. -Really?

Really. And if you're still here when I get back, I'm calling the cops.

And believe me, I am now in a position to get them to come.

-Where you going? -A hotel.

-You mean, you and her? -We're history.

-Can't say I'm surprised. -No? It's funny, I am.

No matter what comes before, you just don't expect this.

-What hotel, Charlie? What if I wanna call you? -I'll be at the Holiday Inn on Ninth.

-Holiday Inn? -Yeah.

-Charlie, you won the lottery. -Yeah?

One night at least, stay at the Plaza.

Maybe I will. You're a real pal, you know that?

I'll see you guys.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

-I'd like to get a room. -Yes, ma'am.

I'm not that waitress, if that's what you're thinking.

I didn't think so.

-Single or double? -A single.

-Smoking or non-smoking? -Non-smoking.

Sir, can I help you?

-He moved back in. -She threw me out.

Eight-11 is this way, ma'am.

Sir? If you'll just follow me.

-That was the cop. -That's the waitress.

Checked your bathroom yet? There's a robe in it.

-Are you serious? -Swear to God.

-Well, good night. -Come in.

Come in.

Thanks.

Unbelievable. Your room is exactly like mine, exactly like mine, except it's a different color.

They really.... I mean....

Hey, would you like some fruit?

You have some in your.... Every room in this hotel probably has fruit.

It's amazing.

-There's really a robe in there? -Terry cloth.

Nice. Really nice.

It's for sale. You can buy it for like $100 or something. I think it's $100, yeah.

I'll do it.

I'll split it with you. That way we can share it.

You can have it one month, and I'll take it one month.

Or every other day, or weekends.

-Or we could get two. -We could do that.

-Why am I so nervous? -I don't know.

-We've spent so much time together. -Maybe that's why.

-Hi. -Hi.

Here we go.

There they are.

-This is unbelievable. -Make yourselves comfortable, gentlemen.

-I mean, I've seen some offices. -Walter, please.

Boy, these guys must charge you an arm and a leg.

Why don't you sit down?

Just the chairs, Charlie.

-Would you like a glass of water? -Real leather. I thought so.

-Where's Muriel? -Mrs. Lang just stepped out.

And here she is.

-You had them done. -Had what done?

-Can we proceed please? -What did she have done?

What's the mystery?

-I'll tell you later. -I'm your lawyer.

As they say in Hollywood, let's cut to the chase.

It is our contention that there be no division of the lottery money.

This was Mrs. Lang's ticket.

-That's completely unacceptable. -It's all right.

-She can have my half. -What?

Come here.

Are you nuts? Why are you giving this away without a fight?

She can have my half, period. I don't wanna discuss it.

Don't wanna discuss it? You're talking a million dollars.

Walter, please.

You gotta be kidding me.

-We concede the point. -That's a very mature attitude.

It'll certainly help speed things right along.

Well, now, as to their pre-lottery holdings...

...we have a bank account here totaling...

...$3611. I insist we split this 50-50.

Chump change.

Well, that's basically it. There's furnishings, some good linens.

Not quite accurate, Mr. Zakuto.

We are also attaching the monies given by Mr. Lang to Miss Biasi.

-What? No. -That is out of bounds.

Mr. Lang volunteered his wife's earnings from the lottery...

...without her consent or previous knowledge.

That's horrible, Muriel. For God's sake. Please, think about what you're doing.

We have every reason to believe that he and Miss Biasi...

...have had a long-standing relationship...

...that he deliberately deceived his wife about.

And toward that end...

-...we have drafted this letter to Miss Biasi... -Come on!

...demanding that she return the money...

...immediately and in full, or face substantial penalties and damages.

-I can't believe this. -I can't listen to this screaming.

-Our whole marriage was like this. -It was not like this!

Why are you doing this?

Just to get even with Yvonne? She didn't do anything wrong.

I am tired of this physical abuse from you. Did you see that?

If you fellows need a cab, my secretary will call one.

How am I going to say this to Yvonne? How am I gonna tell her?

Charlie, you're not gonna like this, but you're gonna have to stop seeing her for a while.

Hi. This is Yvonne Biasi. I'm not at home right now.

Please leave a message after the beep. Thanks so much.

Yvonne, I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you.

And we're gonna win this thing, because it's right. Don't think any of this is your fault. It isn't.

If you need me, I'll be at Bo's, 555-3840. I guess I'll see you in court.

Well, I hope you don't mind sleeping on the floor.

Oh, no, thank you.

There's beer in the fridge, and the TV's there.

Sure is nice of you to let me use your Barney blanket, Tracey.

That's okay.

-Good night. -Good night, Gail. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it, man.

Thanks.

"The trial, which has attracted citywide interest...

...begins in civil court this morning at 9:30."

-This whole thing is unbelievable. -My money's on Yvonne.

God, I hope so.

Now, Mrs. Lang, what are the numbers for your birthday?

Twelve, 16, 64.

Twelve, 16, 64.

And the numbers for your anniversary, my dear?

Six, 26, 84.

Six, 26....

Did I hear 26?

Twenty-six?

As a matter of fact, Mrs. Lang, weren't you married on the 27th?

-Yes. -So your husband picked the 26 on his own?

-Objection. What's the point? -The point is, counselor...

...the point is, Your Honor, I am demonstrating...

...that Mr. Lang is responsible for the winning ticket.

Overruled.

So, Mrs. Lang, your husband picked the 26th on his own, correct?

-No. -No?

Mrs. Lang, there was you, there was your husband.

Could you kindly tell us who else was there that morning?

My dead father.

-Excuse me? -My dead father, God rest his soul.

Quiet, please.

He came to me in a dream. "Baby," he says, as he was floating out the window.

You know, he had these big wings, you know, like angel wings.

Oh, my God. They were the perfect color of white leather.

Anyway, he says, "Baby, it's time to go to the church.

You gotta hurry up or you're gonna be late."

To my shock and surprise, I'm standing there in my wedding gown.

So I was running down Queen's Boulevard, through Flatbush.

Even though Queen's Boulevard doesn't run through Flatbush.

I came to the church: St. Catherine's of the Holy Lotto.

And then I realized I wasn't late, I was a whole day early.

God, I wanted to die.

Then my father, you know, he was there, he was standing right next to me.

And he says, "Little girl, don't cry.

Because to me, your anniversary will always be on the 26th."

Mr. Lang.

Have you ever purchased nail-polish remover for your wife?

Quiet, please.

Nail-polish remover?

-A couple of times, I guess. -And you paid for it?

-Sure. -Did you therefore consider it yours?

No, I guess I didn't.

Isn’t it true that you forced your wife to split the ticket with Miss Biasi?

I only said we should do the right thing.

-Mr. Lang, were you wearing a gun at the time? -No. Of course not.

-You hit her, didn't you, Mr. Lang? -I never, ever--

You are under oath, Mr. Lang.

-Okay, once I grabbed her arm-- -No further questions.

Your witness, counselor.

Miss Biasi. Would you describe your financial circumstances...

...before Mr. Lang was kind enough to offer you half his wife's winning ticket?

I was struggling to make ends meet.

Isn’t it a fact you owed $12,000 on your MasterCard?

-That's because my ex-husband-- -Just answer yes or no.

Technically, yes. But that's not because I had overspent.

And isn't it also a fact that you filed for bankruptcy...

...on the very day Mr. Lang offered to split the ticket?

Yes. But that was just fate.

-Right, fate. -Yes. Really.

Let me ask you, what was your relationship...

...with Mr. Lang at the time he offered to share his wife's ticket with you?

-I'd never met him before. -Really?

Yes, really.

Describe your relationship with Mr. Lang today.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Which is why you went running off to the Plaza with him...

...on the day he separated from his wife.

-Objection. What is the relevancy of this? -Motivation.

What motivation?

Mrs. Lang had thrown Mr. Lang out of the house, the marriage was in complete disarray.

-Overruled. -If you're implying what I think--

Miss Biasi.

They're trying to make me into a gold digger. Him, the media.

Miss Biasi. Control yourself, please.

I've worked my whole life. And finally something wonderful happened to me.

I met a man who was intelligent and kind and full of compassion.

Just the experience of knowing him has changed my life. It's not the money.

It's because he made me believe again people were fundamentally decent.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some lawyer make our relationship look ugly.

Are you divorced?

No.

You're married to one man, and you're in love with another.

-It's only because I couldn't afford to get divorced. -Well, that's convenient.

In dramatic testimony, Yvonne Biasi was depicted by Muriel Lang's attorney...

...as a gold-digger and nymphomaniac. A verdict was expected by this evening.

-Has the jury reached a verdict? -We have, Your Honor.

What say you?

We rule in favor of the plaintiff, Mrs. Muriel Lang, on all counts.

The court would like to thank the jury for its service in this difficult case.

Court is dismissed.

-About the reports of Yvonne's adultery-- -Shut up about her.

She's down there.

Yvonne!

Yvonne!

-Mrs. Lang? Your reaction to the verdict? -Justice was done.

Don't you believe that the good deeds of your husband--?

This is not a press conference. The verdict is in. We're happy, that's all.

Very happy.

I don't even know where she is.

Look, you'll be a cop again. It's what you love.

I'll be all right.

I'll be all right.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Go away.

Yvonne.

-No. You don't wanna be with me. -What are you talking about?

-I love you. -No. Don't you get it?

I've ruined your life.

Are you crazy? These past couple of days, I felt like half of me was missing.

You won $4 million in the lottery. Do you know what an amazing gift that is?

And because of me you have nothing.

Because of you, I have you. Why can't you understand that?

If you don't want me, that's different.

If you don't want me, I'll walk right out that door, and you'll never see me again.

But please stop talking about the money. It means nothing to me.

Do you want me to go?

No.

Never.

Never, never.

You have to excuse me sometimes, it's just...

...nobody ever loved me before.

-I guess he wants some food. -Shall we invite him in?

Why not?

We should leave New York.

I mean, we're like freaks here.

I've got a cousin that lives in Buffalo.

He keeps asking me to visit.

Maybe we can stay there for a while.

I could join the Buffalo force.

I could be a Buffalo waitress.

Tonight I, Angel Dupree, a photographer for the New York Post for 10 years...

...had the opportunity to study grace and generosity under the direst of circumstances.

Even in their darkest hour, the stalwart Officer Lang and the good-hearted Miss Biasi...

...shared a bowl of soup with me.

When I left, this Good Samaritan gave me money from his own pocket...

...wishing it could be more.

-"Mail it to Yvonne's Coffee Shop." -It's a good idea.

It's a great idea.

I just want to make one stop.

-Sweetie. -I'm okay, I'm okay.

-I knew this was a bad idea. -No, I just wanted to see it again.

Why is the gate open?

I don't know. Well, Carol has a key.

The door's stuck.

-What is this? -It must be some kind of a mistake.

-"The Good Samaritan's Fund." -"Lotto Lovers."

"Yvonne's Coffee Shop."

-It's 5 dollars. -Oh, come on. No.

"There should be more people in the world like you. Ethel from Staten Island."

Here's a check for 10.

This is all for us. Oh, Charlie.

"You are an example to all of us. Betty and Phil, the Bronx."

"We are hoping you will have a wonderful future. The Garcias, Long Island City."

It took Charlie and Yvonne three days to open all their mail.

And when they were done, New York had given them a $600,000 tip.

Charlie happily went back to the force.

Yvonne got her coffee shop back.

Eddie could only get work driving a cab.

And Muriel. She married Jack Gross...

...who cleaned out their checking account and fled the country.

Muriel lives in the Bronx with her mother now and works in a nail salon.

Charlie, Muriel and Yvonne all lived in a city...

...where people prayed for miracles every day. And sometimes they happened.