All language subtitles for The.Trip.to.Spain.2017.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-FGT-eng

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- Hello, rob. Steve --
- who's this?

- Steve coogan.
- Hey! How are you?

Good, good,
how are you?

Yeah, good.
Where are you?

I'm in London.
Just got back from
filming in New York.

I play a chef.
It's called
"medium rare."

It's produced
by Martin scorsese.
Have you met him?

- No, I've not.
- He's great.
He's great.

Anyway they want me
to do publicity

for the launch
of the series.

To do a series
of restaurant
reviews.

Um, this time
a trip to Spain

for "the new
York times."

Yeah, I know.
"The observer"
asked me.

Oh, right, so you
know about it.
Okay.

Well, yeah, so it's
a "New York times"-
"observer" thing.

- You know,
it's a paid job.
- Mm-hmm.

- So, uh..
- Yeah.

Yeah,
I'm -- I'm asking you

if you'll -- if you'll
come with me?

Yes, I will come.

Good, great,
okay, well,
my -- my people

will be in touch
with, uh, oh, you.

Yeah, well,
you know, rob's
not gonna be here.

- Rob, Steve's here.
- Okay.

What? No, 'cause
he's got a ferry
to catch.

Where are you?

Okay.

We'll see you
when you get here
then, okay?

- Yeah, bye-bye. Bye.
- Is that all good?

No. That was the builder.
He's running late.

Right,
have your remembered

your passport,
your wallet --

my passport,
my wallet,
my phone..

The book
you were reading?

I got everything
i need

to go out
into the darkness.

Right, come on,
daddy's going.
Follow me out.

Dad, you forgot
your hat.

Alright bring it
out then.

You can give it
to him now.

Bring it for me.

And say goodbye.

Oh, buenos dias.

- Hmm. How are you doing?
- Good. You know Sally?

- Yes, sorry, hello, Sally.
- Hi, Steve.

- How are you?
- Hi, yeah, good.

- How are you? Good.
- Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.
This is Charlie.

Oh, hello, Charlie.
I don't think
i know this one.

No, and this..
You remember Chloe,
don't you?

Yes, of course.
Hello, Chloe. How are you?

God, you were
a little baby last time
i saw you

and you've gone, shhwt!
Like that.

That's what happens.

You've got a lot of stuff,
haven't you?

Uh, well, some of this
is, uh, Joe's.

You know, my,
uh, my son.

I remember him.

He's, uh, comin' out
the end of the trip.

Yeah! Gimme a kiss.

- Oh, who did that noise?
- You did.

I think you did
that noise.
Give me another one.

Charlie farley, oh.

- Kiss for dad.
- Hello.

Thank you very much.

- Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye, darling.

I love you. Have fun.

- Look after them.
- Enjoy yourself.

You'll take care of mommy,
okay?

- Yep, I will.
- You will.

Won't you,
Charlie? Yeah.

Have a good trip, and, uh,
you look after him.

Yes, I will try
and bring him back here
in one piece.

- Yeah, please do.
- Okay. Okay.

- Adios, amigos.
- Have a good journey.

- Yeah.
- Adios, amigos.

- Hasta manana.
- Manchego cheese,
he say goodbye.

- Love you, bye. Have fun.
- Bye.

Bye!

Are we gonna get
this ferry?

Um, well,
I'd say probably yes.

- Alright.
- But, uh..

A little bit of jeopardy
i think kinda gives --

oh, here we go.
Here we go.

Adds a little bit of --

living your life
on the edge

by getting to a ferry
a little bit late.

I have two cabins
for you.

Mm-hmm.

One commodore cabin
and one deluxe cabin.

Okay. Which is the best?

The commodore cabin
is the best.

Oh, great.

Mr. coogan
should have that.

- Oh, rob.
- Commodore coogan.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Is this the commodore?

No, that's
the deluxe cabin.

Alright.

See you later,
commodore.

- Okay.
- Sir, that's your key.

- Thank you. Merci.
- See you later.

- Thanks.
- Then I show you yours.

Okay. What did you say
your name was?

- Oha.
- Ohhoha?

- Ohaha
- ohawha.

- No. Ohoha.
- Ohoha?

- Yes.
- Is that near enough?

Yes.

You're right about
this bein' a better way.

This is more romantic.

This is more
like a journey.

It is.

You know what the
first most famous boat
that left here was..

Most famous ship,
i should say.

Uh, the mayflower?

Yes, the mayflower.

- Pilgrim fathers?
- Yeah.

Pilgrim fathers
for justice.

They, uh, tied themselves
to that crane.

Demanded more breadfruit
for their children.

Where were they headed?

They were headed
to America.

Yeah?
What part of America?

The coast.

"Santander

"much the largest
city in cantabria

"with a population
approaching 200,000.

We filmed
much of "moonraker" here."

Good morning.

- Buenos dias.
- Buenos dias, mi amigo.

- Buenos dias, mi amigo.
- This is stunning.

This is the way
to approach a new country.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah, like a -- like a --
like a baby, yeah.

Yeah.
It's lovely, isn't it?

Yeah, well,
it's the gentle
rocking motion.

The thing, you either
have sea legs
or you don't.

Santander,
the largest city
in cantabria

by some margin.
Population, 200,000.

An elegant,
stylish resort

with excellent
transportation
connections.

You reading
"lonely planet?"

- Just stuff
i picked up --
- "rough guide?"

Stuff I picked up
over the years.
I'm -- I'm a sponge.

- Oh.
- Bueno.

- Oh.
- Fine choice.

- With sea salt.
Nice choice.
- Gracias.

- Thank you.
- A la parilla.

- Muchas gracias.
- Como hacia la abuela.

Like mama use to make.

- Ah! Encantador.
- Okay.

Bueno. Provecho.

- Thank you.
- Gracias.

- What did you say to him?
- I said it's charming.

Charming that his mother
made it, you know.
How about yours?

What's happening
in New York?

I've been seeing
a lot of Misha.
Remember Misha?

The girl you were seeing
with the legs?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Yeah.
- You seeing her again?

- Didn't she get --
- I..

I'm in love with her.

But she got married.

- She is married.
- Oh.

- Um, I know,
it's not ideal..
- Carry on.

- It's not ideal.
- Take your time.

- Give me details.
- It's not ideal.

But we.. She just..
We just bumped
into each other and, uh..

And, you know, we just,
you could tell
it was just there.

A smile, I gave her
one of my smiles
and, uh --

well, I mean, you don't
have to say anymore.

One of those smiles.

And then, like an anchovy,
she just..

...wriggled into
my net again.

- Was it exciting?
- It is exciting.

But it's not like
the first time.

It's not like
i don't know her.

It's like, it's like
we've rekindled

what we had before
and it's, uh --

- still exciting.
- Yeah, it is.

Actually you lose
excitement when you,
when you're married.

- I'll tell you that.
- Yeah. Well, you can't
have everything.

- The thing is
you can't have everything.
- No.

You can't have everything.
That's my mantra.

- You can't
have everything.
- Yeah.

When people complain,
"no, you know.."

- Well, alright,
make a choice.
- No..

I couldn't agree more,
couldn't agree more.

- I have a young family.
- Yeah?

For a man of my age,
my kids are young.

Yeah. Yeah.
How old's your wife?

Forty-three.
Mm-hmm.

She's just
got those kids in..

Just squeezed them
in quick then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going
the full Mick Jagger
and having them at..

He's having another one
at 72.

Yeah, that's daft,
innit?

- Ever met him?
- I have.

- I was at a party.
- Yeah?

- I was leaving.
- Yeah.

- And I heard
from the, uh, balcony.
- Uh-huh.

"Rob, rob."

- Rob.
- Rob.

Here, rob, rob.

Oh, look, well,
he didn't, he didn't
do the full but..

And I looked up
and he went..

"Don't throw those
bloody Spears at me."

I said "what?"

He was, "don't throw
those bloody Spears at me."

Yeah. No, no.

- He was doing
Michael caine.
- I know, I know.

But what you find is
that he speaks like..

Sometimes it's sort of,
it's sort of like that

so that it's actually
quite posh.

And sometimes
he's quite sort of, uh..

You can see that
he's quite actually,
he's like that

a sort of public
school thing going on.

You know, and now you got
slightly deep like that.

But, um, but, uh,
and, uh, you know

you got the old
sort of, um..

Sort of peacock thing,
you know.

- Sorry, sorry.
- Sorry.

He went, "don't throw
those bloody Spears
at me."

And I went,
"oh, Michael caine."

So I looked up at him
and I said

"I've told you before
if you're not gonna sing

"i don't wanna
bloody know.

Now get back
in the other room."

And he went,
"aha-ha-ha."

And off he went.
He loved it.

But had I had a close
conversation with him

I would've said,
"what are you doing
having a child at 72?"

Yeah, you know what?
I mean, it's not ideal.

Look, Charlie chaplin
was knocking them out
in his 80s

and that's not ideal
either.

But we're -- we're
positively footloose

and -- and carefree
and -- and

we're like teenagers
compared with other guys.

We should enjoy
this moment in our lives.

We're at the sweet spot
in our lives.

- Hmm, hmm..
- We really are.

We're like ripe,
you know?

I am in my prime.
If I was miss Jean bro..

I should play
miss Jean Brodie.

There's a lot
of gender swapping
going on now in big roles.

I could play
miss Jean Brodie.

Oh!

- Thank you.
- Just look at this.

You writing anything
at the moment?

Of course, I am, yeah,
what I'm trying to do

with this odyssey
through Spain is do
what Laurie Lee did.

You don't know
this about me.

About 30 years ago,
when I was 18

I came to Spain
backpacking

after a levels, before
i went to university

and I met a woman
called Sofia who was 37.

And she'd basically
showed me the ropes.

I lost my virginity
to her.

How many years ago?

Well, that's
32 years ago.

- So she's now 70?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Sixty-nine, 70?
- She's 70, yeah.

- Should we look her up?
- No, I saw, I met her.

She's massive.
Saw her on a Vespa.

- Successful or massive?
- No, no, I mean fat.

I think the two of you
should give it another go.

Why don't we visit her,
take her some
turkish delight?

I think that's
the last thing she wants,
to be honest.

It's the one thing
i do know about her.

Anyway,
I want to write a book

about Spain and me.

Is that why you bought
the Laurie Lee book?

Yeah. Well, he wrote this
when he was early 50s.

But it was about
when he was 18.

So it's almost exactly
the same as me.

Cervantes wrote
"don quixote"
when he was 50.

50s in many ways,
i think --

no, we're at
the sweet spot
in our life.

The best age. It's -- it's
the sweet spot.

You've still got,
touch wood, time --

we're ripe,
we're a ripe fruit

but if you hang on
to the branch any longer

you're just gonna wither
on the vine --

- so what do you do then?
- Drop.

Or do you wanna be
plucked?

You wanna be plucked
actually.

I'd much rather be plucked
than drop.

But who's gonna pluck you
at this age?

You'd be surprised.

But after "philomena,"
this opened a whole new

sort of, uh,
chapter for me
in terms of, like

the -- the way
my career's gone.
All the, uh --

co-wrote that,
didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah -- yeah,
I've always,
I've always co-write.

I mean, I, you know,
i mean, really,
I'm kinda like

I'm the one who talks
and has all the ideas

and they,
the -- the other person's

kind of like
a sort of typist.

Will they view it
that way?

Oh, no, I would never say
that to them personally.

No, but, I mean,
but -- but privately..

These reviews
i write myself, of course.

Well, that's great.
I mean, how you
gonna do it?

We're in Spain,
I'm gonna do it like

Sancho panza
in "don quixote."

Two middle-aged men
looking for adventure.

- That's not a bad, um --
- "don quixote."

- Idealist, dreamer.
- Yeah.

- Head in the clouds. Yes?
- Yeah.

- And his solid,
dependable friend.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So what are you
co-writing?

Uh, it -- it's
called "missing."

It's about a man looking
for his daughter and --

this'll be the follow-up
to your film about a woman
looking for her son.

Yeah, well, exactly,
it's the -- it's the --

it's the sister-piece
to that.

Um, and if I do
another one,
it'll be a trilogy.

But anyway, um, yeah,
it's about the,
the two of them --

you should be looking
for something else.

You know, the -- the,
to avoid
the comparisons maybe?

Man looking for his car.

But the thing is
you can -- you can do
a man who's lost his car.

There's -- there's
lots of, oh..

European filmmakers
use huge overbearing

you know,
huge thematic metaphors
all the time.

So it could be a guy
looking for his car.

But actually,
he doesn't realize..

He thinks he's looking
for his car, but actually

he's looking for something
much bigger than that.

A Van.

Yeah, well,
the Van of life.

- The Van of life.
- Well.

Can we, can we put this,
can we put this up?

We're going?

We're going.

Hey!

Thank you.

Have you ever seen rain
like this?

Oh, yeah,
i was in on a..

I got stuck
in a landslide overnight

uh, on the north,
on the West Side
of fulmer.

Stuck in a landslide,
i had to stay overnight

in the car
for eight hours.

I was fine,
i found out later

I was
in the wettest spot

in the country
ever recorded in history.

You've told me
this before.

Well, you, you asked
and that was --

no, I asked you

have you ever seen
rain like this?

Obviously, if you ask
a question like that

you obviously
want some details.

If it's a story
that you've told before

you say, "yes,
do you remember

that time
in the landslide?"

And I say,
"oh, I remember."

Do you know
who sang that?

Uh, lots of people.
Dusty Springfield?

Noel Harrison
is the famous one.
Son of..

George?

No. Rex Harrison.

- Really?
- Yeah.

God.

Who sang
"the rain in Spain?"

- "The rain in Spain?"
- See.. So -- so again..

- Circles within circles.
- Yeah.

It's like we sailed
into Switzerland.

- Hello.
- Hello, hello, uh..

Uh, who's that?

It's Jonathan,
Matt's assistant.

This is Steve coogan
for Matt, please?

Oh, hey, Steve.
Hey, yeah.

Um, look, I was just
gonna call you

actually to, uh,
to let you know that

Matt has left
the agency.

Uh, what?

Yeah, he's gone
to a management company.

Look, it -- it -- it all
happened very quickly

and, um, well,
no one wanted it

to get out
before it was announced.

Uh, it's gonna be
in the "trades" today.

So I will be taking
over all Matt's clients

who stay
with the agency, okay?

And, Steve, I just..

I wanna let you know
how excited I am

about working with you
and representing you.

- Yo ichacho.
- Yoichacho?

- Ichacho.
- Ichacho.

Ichacho, that's,
that's, uh, El mar.

That's the sea.

Okay, you are
in holiday?

No, no, uh, I,
i escribe, escribe..

A writer,
I'm a writer, escribe.

- Yeah, you are a writer?
- Que es, que es writer
en espanol?

- Escritor.
- Escritor. Escritor.
Si. Si.

I had a, I had a movie
at the oscars.

Uh, you know,
the academy awards?

- Yeah, one of my movies,
yes, that's, uh..
- Okay.

So that was, um,
muy bien.

That's fine.

And the winner
is Steve McQueen.

Oh, my god,
I -- I've won it.
I've -- I've won it.

Sit down.
Sit down, Steve.

What? Why?

- I'm, I'm Steve coogan.
- It was Steve McQueen.

Oh, my god.
Oh, sorry, sorry.

Hey, Greg, it's Steve.

Hi, Steve, how are you?

- Good, good.
- Good, good.

You're at,
you're still in New York.

I hear very good things
about the series.

No, I'm in Spain
with rob.

- Right.
- Okay.

Uh, look, Greg,
did you know

that Matt
had left the us agency?

Yes, yes, I did, um,
yes, I did know that.

I was -- I was gonna
call you actually.

Did you know about this
before I did?

No. No, not at all, no.

Right. And do you know
that his assistant

Jonathan is taking over
his client list?

Yes. Now, you see,
Jonathan, I -- I think,
he's very good.

I think he's very bright.
So, you know..

Uh, what's happening
with Matt's other clients?

Uh, well,
i know that, uh

Ricky's,
Ricky's gone with him.

And, um, uh,
will ferrell.

Did he ask Ricky
to go with him?

Yes. Yeah, he did.

But he didn't ask me.

Yeah, but you see,
i think you --
you -- you're seen

more, more as a writer,
Steve.

I mean, so you wouldn't,
you wouldn't really
sort of need

a manager as well
as an agent, so..

So which clients
are staying

with the -- with the
new assistant?

Uh, Kevin kline.

I can't really see him
going anywhere else. Um..

Um, look.. Uh, Greg

would you do -- do me
a favor please?

Can you find out
w -- why the script

for "missing"
hasn't been green-lit yet?

Uh, that hasn't
happened. I mean,
that absolutely..

I know,
that should've happened.
I will get on to that.

I'll get on to that
straight away, that, yeah.

Thank you.

So you're in Spain
with, with rob brydon?

Yes, I'm with
rob brydon.

- That must be fun.
- Yes, it's a lot of fun.

Thank you very much,
goodbye.

Okay, bye.

"Bittor arguinzoniz

"uses a cooking method
so basic

"even cavemen
would recognize it

"and yet has become
a point of pilgrimage

"for food nerds
from around the world.

"Perhaps you regard
yourself

"as something
of a barbecue king.

"Compared to bittor

"you are a lightweight

"little better
than the caveman

"who first cracked
the flints together

"to get a spark

"because he found
raw mammoth

a bit tough
on the teeth."

So, it's, it's
essentially a barbecue.

- The fresh cheese.
- Oh.

- Thank you.
- Ah.

- And a bowl of butter.
- Thank you.

They are homemade.

We have buffaloes
in our farmhouse

and every day to milk
and Victor makes
the fresh cheese.

Enjoy.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Encantada.

What she was saying
was that

they have their own
buffaloes.

- She was saying it
in English.
- That they get..

Yeah, but when you're --
you're hearing

I've noticed your hearing
is not what it was.

Do you mind me
saying that?

Listen, stop distracting
y-you and me

from the fact that
your Spanish is appalling.

I think what you were
trying to do before was..

Sorry, my, my..

Bloody,
bloody batteries.

Wait, wait, I can't, uh,
it's -- it's,
it's playin' up.

Hang on, hang on.

Right. Try it again.

Oh! Shit!

Steve, wait, wait.
I can't hear a word, mate.

It's -- it's,
it's the batteries.

Steve, Steve,
i can't hear anything.
Ssh!

Steve, Steve, stop, wait.
I have got to..

- Very good.
- Okay --

but you still
can't do this, can you?

No matter how hard
you try,
you'll never be able

to do the small man
in a box.

Whereas, I think that
your man, small man
in a box is brilliant.

It is also the apotheosis
of your career.

Hm.

- Incredible.
- Hm. Sum it up for me.

The butter
is life-affirming butter.

Life-affirming butter.
L-a-b.

The buffalo?

- Wow.
- Wow.

This one
is the homemade chorizo.

We buy iberian pork meat
from salamanca

and Victor makes
the chorizo
like his grandmother.

- Wow.
- It's same chorizo.

Just cooked or cured.

- Cooked or cured.
- And..

And one corn croquette.

- Muchas gracias.
- You are welcome.

Encantada.

When she said
he makes chorizo
like his grandmother

is that what she
looked like?

No, rob, he means
the way his grandmother
used to make it.

Fine, well, I think
she should be more clear.

Because I'm picturing
a grizzled old woman

with the external
appearance of chorizo.

Well, you're
the only person
who is, mate.

- Now.
- Mm.

- Fantastic. Hm.
- Hm. Wow.

Hang on, if his grandmother
tasted like this..

...I'd have a nibble.

Come, come, Mr. coogan.
Come come.

You're beginning
to thaw, sir,
beginning to thaw.

No, I will laugh at stuff
if it's good.

Oh, me shoulder.

What have you
done to it?

Just getting out of bed
in the morning,
just pulled it.

You can't rush
out of bed.

You've gotta.. You know,
what I've been told to do?

Stretch while
lying down.

- Before you get
out the bed.
- Good to rotate it.

You look like
a tentative Nazi.

Uh, I think
what we're doing,
you know, is so wrong

on so many levels,
but that just can't stop.

Why are your Nazis
so camp?

- Oh, I'm a Nazi. Oh.
- You tell me, fuhrer.

Heil Hitler.

- Was he furious?
- Mm, he will be.

Hey, we continue.

Green mussels.

- Oh.
- With carrot juice.

- Carrot juice?
- Yes.

Bueno.

- Oh, no, no, Steve.
- Oh!

- Look, look.
- I know.

But what do we do?
We, we..

- You just take one.
- Alright.

Mmm. Wow.

Well, here it is,
Mr. coogan. We managed
to get it out.

Um, I mean,
the good news is
it's benign.

The bad news is we found
seven more of them.

Some of them have gone
into the lymph nodes.

Are you gonna read
that book
while we eat lunch

or you just brought it
as a sort of badge?

No, I brought it
because I'm..

Um, I'm emulating
his journey.

"As I walked out
one summer morning.."

What would your
version be?

"As I drove out
one summer morning

in my v8 Land Rover."

- Range rover.
- Range rover.
Sorry, sorry.

- That's a
terrible mistake.
- Yeah.

How much have you read?

Um, about quarter.

- But he's very good --
- it's a big book.

- Good lord, another one.
- One sauvignon blanc.

Ah, yes.

To drink with
the grilled scallops.

- Ah.
- The caviar is from Iran.

- Oh.
- Enjoy.

Estupendo.
Iranian caviar.

Please. Go first.

No, no, no. Please.
You go first.

Well,
before I do, scaramanga

why don't i
turn them that way?

In which case
should you have
interfered with my --

in my country,
it is always traditional

that the nearest scallop
is served to the guest.

Where I come from,
it is a custom

to proffer
the largest scallop

to the guest.

In my country
when such an offer is made

it is traditional
to turn the plate
round twice..

...and replace it
on the table.

Come, come, Mr. bond.

You enjoy the scallop
just as much as I do.

Please eat.

Bottoms up.

Goodbye, Mr. bond.

Mr. bond, goodbye.

You should pay
more attention
to your chef.

He's working for
her majesty's government.

Starter for ten. What is
the camino de Santiago?

- Um..
- No?

"The pilgrims' route

"to Santiago
de compostela

"where St. James
is supposed to be buried

"became the most
important destination
for christians

after Rome
and Jerusalem."

I met, I went to
the ultimate pilgrimage
to see the pope.

I went there
with "philomena"

and introduced
"philomena" to the pope.

And we welcome
"philomena" back
into the conversation.

It's been a good
five to six minutes

since he last
brought it up.

But, no, no, go on.
Always nice to hear.

- Well, I mean, you know..
- So you were there for,
so what--

I can't, I can't pretend
it's not been

a significant part
of my life,
but there you go.

Can't pretend
it's not been
a significant part

of this bloody journey.

This is nice, isn't it?

- Wonderful.
- Lovely.

You look like the man,
the man who'd follow
James Bond

at a distance
in, uh, one
of the Sean Connery films.

- One of the early films.
- But would never say
anything.

- Yeah. Yes.
- Never speak.
You're mysterious.

- Sinister figure.
- Sinister figure
following him. Yeah.

Sos del Rey catolico.
Now what does that mean?

Uh, del Rey is the reign,
uh, catholic reign.

So it's the sos
of the catholic king.

Um, because that's where
king ferdinand
was born here.

- Right here?
- Right here.

Well, not here, but
you know, around there.

He -- he introduced
the Spanish inquisition?

- Yes, indeed.
- Are you sure about that?

He was a catalytic
converter in a way.

- Very good.
You're on fire.
- Cheers.

You'd actually make
a very good inquisitor

I think, for
the Spanish inquisition.

Don't take this
the wrong way. You have
an inquisitive nature--

mind,
an inquisitive mind, yeah.

And you have a cruel side.
You do have
a cruel side.

Well, it's not -- it's
only a short leap,
isn't it

from -- from curiosity
to, uh

murderous intent?

I mean, ah,
it's quite a large leap.

- It's a very large leap.
- It's a big leap.

If I was questioning you
and you're on the rack

I'd start with some
simple questions like..

I'd just say, okay,
just warm meself up.

Like just give me
your name, address

tell me what you had
for breakfast?

- Rob brydon.
- Yeah.

- London.
- Yeah?

And what did you have
for breakfast?

- Scrambled eggs.
- Lovely stuff, okay.

- Uh, rob --
- is that it?
Can I go now?

No, no, no.
I'm gonna ask you
a few more questions.

Just, uh,
just take it easy.

- Um..
- Oh, I can't,
it's really hurting--

uh, what is your favorite
kind of music?

- Bruce Springsteen.
- Okay, alright, okay.

- Is that it?
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

Um, how many baftas
have you won?

- What?
- How many baftas
have you won?

I can't hear you. Ah.

Okay, okay,
just give it
another notch --

- aah! I got a welsh one.
- How many baftas..

Oh, well, one welsh bafta.
Thank you.

You see,
how easy that was?

Do you see how easy it was
to answer the question?

Okay. Now.

I've been nominated
seven times
for the normal ones.

That, I didn't
ask you that.

- Notch,
give another notch.
- Aah!

- Well, how tall is he?
- Uh..

- 5 -- 5'8" and a half.
- Oh. Ooh, really?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Ooh. Ooh.

It's not bad, eh?
Okay.

Now one more question
that you won't
want to answer

'cause I'm trying
to get you up to 5'9".

I'm on your side here.
Okay?

Do you wanna, do you wanna
quit at 5'8"?

- No.
- 5'8" and a half or do
you wanna go for the 5'9"?

- 5'9".
- He is gonna go
for the 5 foot 9.

Okay, one more question.

- Rob?
- Yeah.

Do you believe
in the lord god almighty?

I'd rather not say.

- Aah!
- Give it another
couple of notches.

And we have 5'9".

- Ah, thanks!
- Rob brydon, let him go.

You leave here
as a 5'9" man.
Congratulations.

Thank you, Steve.
Ooh, I've hit my head.

There you go,
that's gonna be a problem

you're gonna have to
contend with now.

You just have to let
your trousers down too.

Ladies and gentlemen,
rob brydon.

This is the area
that Terry Gilliam
was in

when he was trying to do
"don quixote."

"Lost in la mancha"
is the documentary

about his failure
to do so.

And it's a show
i would like to do.

- "Man of la mancha."
- "Lost in la mancha?"

Or "man of la mancha"
is the -- the
stage musical.

It might be my next
theatrical venture.

- Really?
- Yes.

You get to sing
"the impossible dream."

Given that
this is rioja

I would've thought we'd
see a lot more vines.

It's of no interest
to me these days, rob

because I no longer
drink alcohol.

I like wine.
I like rioja.

What's with all
the dinosaur signs?

I suppose there's
lots of dinosaurs

that used to
live around here.

I say we visit

'cause Chloe loves
dinosaurs.

- Who's Chloe?
- My daughter.

Oh.

I'm gonna
put my boots on.

- Putting your boots on?
- Yeah, dusty.

We're only going there.

Love these boots.

Those, yeah, no,
they're -- they're good

uh, intermediate
walking shoes those.

But, uh,
you couldn't attach

crampons
if there was any ice.

Well, I don't plan
to go on any ice.

No one plans for ice, rob,
you've gotta
be prepared --

hey!

You see? That's not,
not very good
for scree work either.

You just gotta be decisive
about where
you put your feet

that's all.

Do a picture of me

with the dinosaur.

Which one's
the dinosaur?

Okay, uh, seeing as
the dinosaur's doing

a McCartney-style thumbs up,
then why don't
you mimic that.

Hey. Rock and roll.

I mean, Ringo,
he was actually
a good drummer, you know?

What's that --
what's that
dinosaur called?

- Barney.
- No, it's a t-Rex.

It's actually not,
it's a iguanodon.

How do you know?

Throw the phone?

Because, um,
Chloe is an expert.

Well, tell me this

why, uh,
they changed the name

of a brontosaurus
to a brachiosaurus.

No one's given me an --

the brontosaurus
which would previously
roam the lands --

- who's that?
- It's John hurt.

- That's not John hurt.
- Who is it then?

Well, I don't know, but
if you're gonna do
John hurt, you have to, um..

The brach..
The brachiosaurus
would once roam the land.

The king of all
he surveyed.

That's a very good
John hurt.

King of all he surveyed.

It's a combination
of him as..

...quentin crisp and
caligula in "i, claudius."

- Why are you standing --
- you can go away
now, rob.

I was thinking of
killing you,
but I've changed my mind.

So does Chloe, uh,
know about the different

uh, prehistoric periods?

Yep.

Not, you know, she..

- Does she know triassic?
- Like she can sit
an exam but --

Jurassic? Cretaceous?

She knows some of those.
She knows the words.

I'm not gonna pretend
that she could

take a, give a lecture.

Of course in the..

In the triassic period,
there's only

the -- the world was
one land mass

just with the sea,
and that was it.

One -- one body of land
and then
in the Jurassic period

split into two big lumps
of land.

And then the, finally
the cretaceous,
it broke up

into the continents
that we know today.

Look at that.

They're
the actual footprints.

Quite big, aren't they?

What size are your feet?

Seven.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Go on then, off you go.

No, it's just that,
that is quite --

- they're too small.
- Quite feminine.

They are feminine,
i know.

- I'm not gonna --
- small feet.

Nice on a woman,
a bit weird on a bloke.

- Indeed.
- Yeah.

If I could change
one thing about me

well, it wouldn't be
the feet, but I would

I would, I would
get to the feet
quite soon.

It'd be feet,
height and hair,
wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Ah!
- Oh!

Pimientos del cristal
asados a la Lena.

- Gracias.
- Muchos gracias.

Muchos,
muchos gracias.

Un poquito mas
de vino le pongo.

Well?

- No, thank you.
- Vale.

- What was he asking?
- If you wanted
some more wine.

Mm. Mm!

Terrible year
in many ways.

If you think about
the number of the people
who've died.

- I mean, gifted people.
- Yeah.

David bowie's death
was like..

What did Tony visconti
say?

"It was a -- it was
an artistic act,
his death."

Yeah. Well, it was --
it was remarkable.

No funeral.
He literally
just went poof.

Had a song called
"Lazarus" on his --
on his last record.

Yeah, it was wonderful.
It was actually brilliant.

Yeah, it was.
It was admirable.

I told you about the time
he was on the radio

and, uh, he wanted
to mention me but couldn't
remember my name.

- Really?
- Mm.

He was being interviewed

and, uh,
the interviewer said

"wha -- what'd you do
when you're, um..

...on tour on the bus?"

And he said he watched
"cruise of the gods,"
that we did.

And he said,
"you know the one,
it stars that guy."

- Really?
- And he said, "who?"
Yeah, he said, "who?"

And I was in the kitchen,
like, "oh, my god!"

"He's about to mention me.
David bowie."

- Sure he didn't mean me?
- No, no, no.

Because he said,
"you know, the one
from "Marion and Geoff.""

- Really? He said
"Marion and Geoff?"
- Yes, yes.

Yeah, and
i -- I was going,
"it's me, it's me."

And the interviewer
was going

"no, I -- I don't know,
i don't know."

So he never said my name

but he was thinking
of my face at that moment.

And when he died,
i looked at his
Twitter feed

and you know
what, Steve?

- He followed me
on Twitter.
- Really?

You don't know what to do
with that information,
do you?

Well,
no disrespect to you

but he's just ever,
ever so slightly

I mean,
microscopically
diminished

in my mind.

Just think and I know
you won't like this.

There would've been a time
when he sat there

with his phone
and went..

And he would've pressed
on that button and clicked

and followed me
and seen every tweet.

Hm.

Now as you know,
this was a moors castle.

And when it was conquered
by the Christian

it became the --
the official residence

of the siguenzas bishop.

- Please, after you.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

And during the civil war,
the town was bombarded

by the condor legion

and the castle was hit.

- Like como en guernica?
- Yeah, like guernica.

Um, the last resistance
of the town

took place
in the cathedral

and it was
bombarded too.

And they surrender
because

they didn't have
any more ammunition or --

yes, of course, wow.

The final attack.

Over there, we have, uh

a room that was a setting
for a Marlon Brando's
movie

in the early '90s.

He played the role of,
uh, friar torquemada.

He was
the grand inquisitor of --

of course,
the Spanish inquisition.

- Yeah.
- "Nobody expects that!"

Mi amigo le gusta
monty python.

- I love them too.
- Oh, yeah? Wow!

- Please, after you.
- To the left.

Yes, of course.

- This is Jonathan.
- Hey, Jonathan.

- Steve coogan.
- Steve?

- Hey, how are you, man?
- Good. How are you?

Yeah, I'm great.
So listen,
I spoke to the studio.

- Mm-hmm.
- And, they like
the script.

They're totally
on board for this film.

- Fantastic, great.
- Yeah.

What's the catch?

Yeah, uh..

They wanna bring
a new writer on.

- What?
- Well, it's
for a Polish.

It's just for a Polish.
It's..

Hey, how are we doing?

- Hello, how are you?
- Yeah, really good.

Ah. Oh,
where'd you get that?

I found it here.

I thought you'd
lost that.

Thought I'd hidden it.

- Who?
- Ed hirsch.

I don't.. Who's he?
Never heard of him.
What's he done?

He's written a few scripts
that have really just
gotten a lotta heat.

Look over here! Charlie!

I'm here, look!

Look at
the little fella down..
There, hello.

He's new, he's hot,
he's up-and-coming.

Which, uh, do you..
I've got -- I've got
two Oscar nominations.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm new
and I'm not up-and-coming.

I've -- I've arrived.

Ah..

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Buenos tardes.

Isn't it
a magnificent room?

It's the Brando room.

I just watched
a little clip
on YouTube of him.

But you can't really
work out exactly where
they are.

He's very overweight
at that stage.

Yeah, which is fine
for, uh, torquemada.

Gives him presence.

I was playing torquemada

in the Spanish
inquisition.

Nobody expects
Spanish inquisition.

Nobody does.

Amongst all weaponry

are such diverse
elements

as fear, surprise,
a ruthless efficiency

and an almost
fanatical devotion
to the pope

and that's
with uniforms.

Nobody expects
a Spanish inquisition.

Amongst all weaponry
and fear

surprise,
a ruthless efficiency

and an almost
fanatical devotion --

- you're doing him
in "the godfather."
- What?

- You're just doing --
- I was doing
'70s Brando.

Well, he spoke like this,
kinda nasal.

You know what, his voice
was a little higher
the way he spoke.

It was, you know

it was like that,
you know --

you've got a de niro
thing going. You're doing
your de niro.

If I, if I was doing
de niro, I'd do it
like that, you know?

That's the way,
that's the way
de niro spoke, you know?

Let's do something
about that, you know.

That's right, you know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna rip
your head off, shit down

your goddamn
fuckin' neck

you two-bit dick suckin'
motherfuckin' asshole.

- That's terrific.
That's terrific.
- Yeah.

The reason you think
I'm doing de niro
when I'm doing Brando

is because de niro
himself was influenced
by Brando.

So, when de niro acts

you see a residual
element of Brando
in what he does.

So, you've got
it the wrong way round.

So in attempting
to criticize you

I've inadvertently
complimented you.

You've shown up some
of the detail in Brando --

you certainly came out
on top in this exchange
then.

I am only telling you
the truth.

Nobody expects
a Spanish inquisition

and nobody expects
a comfy chair.

No, he's gotta do the,
get..

...the comfy chair.

Get the comfy chair.

I'm like a turtle,
look at me.

Get the comfy chair.

Get the comfy chair
and a piece of lettuce.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Amongst our weaponry
is..

Such diverse elements
the..

- Woody Allen. Yeah.
- I know, Woody Allen.

Amongst our weaponry

is such diverse elements
as fear.

Uh, surprise, an --
an almost
fanatical devotion

to the Yankees.

Ehh.

Do you wish to confess?

No.

You know all Jews
were told
to leave the country

by order of the
catholic king and queen.

Yes, but, mm,
I'm not a Jew.

My lord, I'm --
I'm a catholic,
Roman catholic, sir.

If you're catholic,
then you must respect
my authority.

My authority
comes from the pope.

I've met the pope.

My lord, I met the pope.

I met his holiness
at the Vatican

and he saw
a film I made.

- You're lying.
- I'm telling the truth,
my lord.

I -- I, he didn't,
he didn't see the film

but his advisers did,
and they gave him
a breakdown of the film

and he approved it.

You're a,
you're a heretic.

My lord, I am not
a heretic, I am not Jewish,
i am not Muslim.

I am a Roman catholic,
i -- I promise you.

I don't know "the quran,"
i hardly know
the old testament.

I, I was an altar boy,
um --

shh.

Do you respect
my authority?

- Well, uh..
- Do you respect my authority?

- Why -- why are
you mumbling?
- I'm what?

What did you say?

You're not enunciating,
anuncio.

I'm sorry, Esteban.

Do you respect
my authority?

Yes, I, yes,
i respect
your authority.

Take him away.

What does that mean?
What does that mean?

What's going to
happen now?

I'm not.. I've not done
anything. I haven't..

Why, why are they
taking me backwards?

I have not
done anything.

I'm, I'm catholic.

Hey, guess where
I'm taking Joe

uh, at the end
of this week?

There, look.

- Zip wire.
- Yeah, longest one
in Spain.

- Have you done this
already?
- Oh, yeah.

I've done about five
in the uk

couple in Europe.

Word of warning.
What's the age limit
on this?

There's no age limit.
As long as you're fit.

Uh, there's
a height restriction.

Well, we were in Italy
last year

and there was
whitewater rafting.

Yeah.

So I thought
I'd check out

you know, the age.

Eight to fifty-five.

- So by the time Charlie's
old enough to do it--
- what?

- That's ridiculous.
- I'll be too old.

- I know.
- Fifty-five?

- That's ridiculous.
- Why can you not
whitewater raft at 55?

I might get some fake ID
or something like that.

Yeah, you'll have to get
a fake ID like a teenager.

Uh, John Jones,
born in 1970.

I'm -- I'm a carpenter
from wrexham.

- You say
you're a carpenter?
- That's right.

Simple question.

You're building
a bog standard

uh, tongue and groove,
glue and peg

wooden bench
for outside.

What kind of wood
do you choose

if you want it
to weather into
a nice silvery patina?

Ash, beech, teak?

Simple question.

Better hurry,
there's other people

who wanna get on
this whitewater raft.

Um, could you
tell me the woods again?

Ash, teak, beech.

- Ash, teak, beech?
- Hm.

Beech?

Na, mate.
It's teak.

Any carpenter
worth his salt
will tell you that.

- Don't cry, Charlie.
- You're not..

- You're not
a carpenter, mate.
- Please, let us go on.

It's the only chance
I've got to --

on your way.

Don't cry, Charlie,
don't cry.

Maybe mommy
can take you.

Look at the boy,
he's crying.

Oh, how old,
how old are ya?

- What?
- How old are you?

I'm 56.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
go on, on you.. Get on.

Thanks a lot. Oh!

Oh, I got shooting pains
down my arm.

Don't tell me that.
I've just broken the rules
for you, nob.

Give me a minute.
I've gone light-headed.

Alright, thank you.

Come on, Charlie.
Not so fast, son.

Oh, you know, um,
walking downhill

very good
if you engage your abs.

Yeah, of course.

Um, and, if you engage
your abdominals

it takes the pressure off
your knees.

Who told you that?

It's just, you can feel it
anatomically.

I figured it out.

Hardly stand up
to a focus group,
would it?

Well, you wouldn't show it
to a focus group --

clinical trials.
It wouldn't stand up
to clinical trials.

Exactly. Wouldn't show it
to a focus --

clinical trial, that's why
i said clinical trials.

Okay, yeah. You don't
need clinical trial.
It's just..

If you, if you listen
to your body,
you can figure it out.

It's just like
a shock absorber,
so the knee

doesn't have to take
all the -- all the impact.

Wow.

Big.

Bigger than it looks
from outside.

Hey, take your hats off
in church.

Frowned upon.

I'm trying to find out
where the bomb damage is.

From, uh, you know..

...from when Franco
and the Nazis..

Exhibition there
with cervantes
and Shakespeare.

There, look!

Why would they have
the two of them
in one exhibition?

They both died
in the same year.

It seems they've done
a very good repair job.

I can't see any damage.

Or maybe it wasn't
this part of it
that got damaged.

The -- the workmanship
of this is a,
is a testament to

to all the workers
who helped construct it

and yet Franco,
very happy

despite claiming to be
a catholic to bomb

the shit out
of a religious building

which just shows you
what kind of a vandal
he was.

We're having flooring
just like this
in the kitchen.

- Partner's there.
- Yeah.

Buried, lying next
to each other..

...for eternity.

"First collected edition
of Shakespeare's works.
1623."

So in the '60s, seven
years after he's dead

already they realized
what they'd lost.

Rob. Rob!

"Electronic '80s
album cover."

Very good.

I'm holding my stomach in
while I do this.

Just walking downhill
is actually better
for that, you know?

Yeah, but I,
i hold it in pretty much
all the time now.

Would you ever do
Shakespeare on the stage?

I would have liked to have
played "Hamlet."

That train has left
the station.

Who would you like
to play now?

Olivier played him
when he was 42.

Olivier was a better actor
than you.

- Well, a different actor.
- A better actor.

A different actor.

- "King lear?"
- He's an old man.

He's not that old.
He's a father.

You've got more
in common with him

than you have
with a teenager.

Have you lost something?

She is gone forever.

I know when one is living
and one is dead.

And she's dead as earth.

Lend me
a looking glass..

...that if her breath..

...a mist of stain
the stone..

...why then she lives.

Very good.

Very good.
"Midsomer murders."

You're a, you're a father
who's just been told

his daughter's been killed
in a road accident

and that is effective

and we're straight into
the adverts after that.

I have of late though
wherefore I know not

lost all my mirth,
forgone all custom
of exercise

and indeed it goes
so heavily
my disposition

that this goodly frame
the earth, look you

this fine o'er hanging
firmament the sky

it seems nothing to me,
but a foul congregation
of vapors.

Aa-ha-ha.

"Jumpin' Jack flash."

Stones do Shakespeare,
come on.

Oh, oh, that is too,
too solid flesh

would melt and resolve
itself into a Jew.

All that the everlasting
not fixed his canon

against self-slaughter.

Has Russell brand
ever done Shakespeare?

- Oh, god, god.
- Mick Jagger.
You're doing Mick Jagger.

- You're doing Mick Jagger.
- Well, I, uh..

What a, um,
what you saying? Aah.

Ha, what's that?

- Alright then. Huh.
- Huh. Huh.

That's not Mick Jagger.
That's a lot
of noises.

Ah, Steve, how you doing?
You alright?

What it's no, if you..
Quiet, quiet,
let me do it.

No, no, you,
you can't do.

You're copying morrissey,
and it isn't like that.

That's all gay.
He goes like that.

What piece of work,
he's a man.

He goes really
deep sometimes

and you can't
get down there.

You can only
go up there.

You need to go up and down
to do him properly.

You saying
i can't get down there?

You're seriously saying
i can't get down there?

No, that's not.. I was just
saying that you're
a bad Mick Jagger.

- Gracias.
- Muchas gracias.

- Si, si. I like wine.
- Nice vino, yeah.

Muchas gracias.

So George orwell came
over to Spain in 1936.

- Oh.
- Joined --

one year
after the birth of Elvis.

He come out to Barcelona
with his wife.

- With his wife.
- She stayed there --

mini break.

- She stayed there --
- it's a good place
for a mini break.

Is that
what they were doing?

Were they able to do that
in those days?

Do you wanna learn
anythin' about civil war
at all

or you just think it's,
like, or you just think

"i don't know,
i don't really give a damn
about the civil war.

I'm not
that interested in it."

I want to learn
something about civil war.

Okay. So he came out
to Barcelona,
left his wife there

went off to the front
to fight, 50 miles away.

And when he came back,
he was so disillusioned

with the intellectuals who
were back in Barcelona.

When he went back there,
he saw them all.

Uh, they'd become
bourgeois, they'd lost
sight of their ideals

though he said they were
eating fancy food

in posh restaurants.

So he went back
to the front
one more time.

Eventually he got shot
in the throat.

Couldn't speak
for six months.

Where's your bullet
to the throat
when you need one?

I don't think if I were
to say to Sally..

...i was going
off to fight,
she wouldn't stand there

and just say alright,
you know, you're going off
to be killed.

Yeah, or kill.

That's a very good point

'cause that's something
else I couldn't do.

I wouldn't fight a war
because I got kids.

- I got kids.
- Yeah.

But if I didn't have kids,
i think I would be --

- I don't think you would.
- I think I would.

I think you'd like
to think you would

but I don't think
you would.

You'd go and entertain
the troops.

You'd go and do
Alan partridge
for the troops.

That's what
you would do.

And all these proper men

who are giving
over everything

would love it
as you came out
and went "ah-ha."

You know what I'd love
if a sniper got you
at that moment. Ah..

You didn't even finish
the "ah-ha."
You only got to "ah."

I'd do the "ha" as I would
with my dying breath.

- I don't think you would.
- I would.

No, you wouldn't. It's
to the head, you idiot.

- Ah!
- You wouldn't say
"ah-ha."

- I'd get the "ha" out.
- There'd be no "ha."

And I'd say,
if Steve were here now,
i know what he'd say..

- Ha-ha!
- Hm.

- Hello?
- Hi, Steve.

Hello, Emma love.

How are you?
How's it going?

Doing very well, yes.

Good, good.
How's, how's rob doing?

Uh, rob is, uh, great.

He's doing
very well indeed.

I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, you're
on speakerphone.
That's why I'm being nice.

Hiya. How are you?

Oh. Hi, rob.
I'm good, thanks.

I'm just, I'm calling to
remind you that I'm coming
out to see you tomorrow.

- Yay!
- Yay! Thank god.

I'm at breaking point.

Also..
Okay, great.

And I'm, I'm bringing
yolanda with me

to do the photos
for "the New York times."

- Oh, great.
- And "the observer."

So I just wanted to
remind you

that they do want you
to dress up as don quixote

and Sancho panza, okay?

What a surprise.

- Which one am I?
- Uh, you, rob,
you're Sancho panza.

- Hey.
- Yeah, good.

A supporting role
as ever.

"Parador de cuenca is
a majestic former convent.

Careful.

"Perched above
the cuenca gorge

with stunning views
of the old town."

Oh, look at that.
Look at that.
Oh, that's beautiful.

When that's.. Don't
look at it too much.

Hello.

Hi. Is that rob brydon?

Uh, speaking.

I've got Matt Jacobs
for you.

Okay.

Hey, rob brydon.
He-he-he-he-he.

- Hello. Hi, Matt.
- Hey, man, how you doin'?

Yeah, I'm alright.
How -- how are you?

I'm good.
How's, uh, London?

Oh, I'm in Spain.
I'm not in London,
I'm in Spain.

- Hi, Greg.
- Hi, Steve. How are you?

I've been better.

Uh, do you know they
brought a new writer on

to, uh, to -- to rewrite,
uh, "missing?"

Yeah, but it's --
it's nothing. It's --
it's just, it's standard.

It's just -- just
for a Polish,
that's all.

I'm with Steve, with,
uh, with Steve coogan.

Oh, Steve coogan.
Yeah, yeah, good, good.

Is this the Matt, the..
That's Steve's agent?

Yeah, uh, well, no.

I mean, I've left
the agency.

Uh, uh, we met
at Sundance.

You remember that.

Uh, I've got, uh,
two Oscar nominations.

Uh, the last film
i wrote

had four -- four
academy award nominations.

Yeah, I know,
but do you know what,
he's really

he's, he's great,
he's, he's up-and-coming.

Uh, uh, up-and-coming?
I -- I've up and come.

I've already up
and come.

Yeah. You have.
No, absolutely, you have.

You have, Steve,
you have.

Look, let me
cut to the chase.

I saw you
in the..."Horseman."

- "The huntsman."
- "The huntsman."

I saw you
in "the huntsman."

I thought you were
fantastic, man.

I mean, really,
you burned up the screen.
You've got it.

That little midget walk
you did.

The -- the screen,
the screen loves you

but you were being
under-used there

so let me -- let me
cut to the chase, okay?

You should be doing
what Nick frost is doing.

Well, I did, I -- I did
"the huntsman" with him.

This is -- this is what
I'm saying.

You should be doing what
James corden is doing.

You know, he's
the biggest thing on TV.

I was with James in,
uh, "Gavin and Stacey."

Oh, I heard about that.

It was supposed
to be fantastic.

I, uh, I missed it,
but I'll definitely
get a copy.

You know, you should be
the new Simon pegg.

You should be,
you could be

you will be
the new Ricky gervais.

Oh, gosh.
Well, Ricky, huh?

That's what
we all dream of.

What does Jeff
think of this?

Jeff,
Jeff's fine with it.

Jeff's just
very busy doing

another screenplay
for fox, so, he -- he --

what, what script
is Jeff doing for fox?
I didn't know that.

He's doing a script
for George Clooney.

For George Clooney?
Right, okay.

I had no,
I had no idea about it.

Another thing
i had no idea about.

Have you,
have you ever done any,
any hosting

any, uh,
awards ceremonies?

I -- I hosted
the la baftas once.

The what?
They have la baftas?

Who do they
give those to?

Listen, never mind.

You should be hosting
the golden globes.

This is what
I'm talkin' about.

It's my script.
Look, I wrote it, I..

Well, I co-wrote it.
I'm producing it.

I'm gonna star in it,
not Tim hoddleston

or some other fucking
posh twat.

This should be
the best phone call..

This will be
the best phone call
you've ever had.

Yes.

- It's my film, okay?
- Of course, it is.

That's what
it's gonna be.
Good, thank you.

He's British at the end.

Turns out..

That's what
Laurie Lee did

to pay his way
around Spain.

- He busked.
- Yeah.

You know that, uh,
cuenca was one
of the last places

to fall to the fascists
in the civil war.

March 29th, 1939.

Perfect position,
it's up on a hilltop

so very difficult
to attack

and very easy to defend.

Yeah, and they may
very well have held out

if it weren't for the fact
that the, the army

the republican army
turned against
the socialist government.

If it weren't for that

Franco may well
not have won.

Hola.

We gave you money
before, mate.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, fellas.
Take care.

You can have a drink
with us
if you want though.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Yeah, grab a pew.

- There's a seat there.
- Actually,
that'd be lovely.

- Cheers, man.
- No worries, yeah.

Una cana por favor?

- Sound very good.
- Thank you, man.

Especially like
your backing singers.

Oh, yeah.
Hardly the monettes,
right?

- You know them?
- Um, yeah.

I suppose
new acquaintances maybe.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

So, you guys,
you on holiday?

- No, we're working.
- Oh, right.

I'm, uh,
I'm writing a book

about my, um,
sort of
travel through Spain

replicating a journey
i did when I was,
when I was a younger man.

Well, it's kind of
a little bit inspired by,
um, Laurie Lee.

You know, well, uh,
"when I walked out
one midsummer morning."

- Yeah --
- and we're driving it.
Cheers!

Uh, cheers, mate.
Yeah, I love Laurie Lee.

That's part of the reason
when I saw you
busking there

I said, "well,
this is how Laurie Lee"

because he paid
his way through Spain
by doing the same thing.

With a violin, yeah,
but, yeah, right on.

So you guys staying
in cuenca long?

- No, we're..
- No.

One day in every place,
I'm writing restaurant
reviews

so we go to one town,
we're there a day
and then we go on.

Oh, have you been in, uh,
San Sebastian for food?

It's the best place
in Spain for food
by a country mile.

- Yeah, I know.
- We were near there
in santander.

- Weren't we?
- Yeah.

Or catalonia,
not just Barcelona.

- Food there's excellent,
yeah?
- Yeah, we just..

Well, we're not,
we're trying..

We thought
we were gonna go there

but we just thought
it was a bit too obvious.

And we're trying,
we're trying to do stuff
that's a little bit

like, kind of,
the kind of nooks
and crannies

slightly off,
off the beaten track
a little bit.

Like San Luca,
near cadiz?

The tuna there
is absolutely banging.

- You'll love that.
- Yeah, I know.

It's more, like,
the culture
than the food.

Although food's
part of it

but it's more, like,
the kinda cultural
experience.

But if it's food
and culture

that you are looking for,
valencia.

- Valencia?
- Yeah, you probably
know it.

- Casa Montana?
- I know. Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, it's the best.
- I know.

And valencia's got
the holy grail.

How long does it take to
get to valencia from here?

Well, valencia's like
two hours away, man.
It's close.

Let's go to valencia.

Well, no, we two.. No,
we're not going valencia.

- Well go to valencia.
- No.

We'll go to valencia.
It's two hours.

We've got a schedule
worked out.

We got a pre-ordained
route taking
in some, uh --

where's the fun in that?
Stray from the path, man.

Yeah, we sort of are
straying from the path

by not going to places
like catalonia, so..

- Okay.
- You can go there for us.

- I will, again.
- Okay, again, yeah.

Alright, listen,
I'm gonna head back
to the hotel, anyway

so, uh, I'm gonna
head off.

- Going back to the hotel?
- Yeah.

- Now?
- Yeah, yeah.

You're alright, you'll be
alright here
with, uh, man.

Get him to play
a few tunes.
Alright, mate.

Good luck
with your Bo diddly stuff.

And thanks
for the beer, man.

Yeah, no worries. Okay.

Alright, see you later.

- Sorry about that.
- Touched a nerve
no more.

He, uh, doesn't like
to be told things

that he thinks he knows.

- Hello.
- Hello.

You look, uh,
delectable and tasty.

Like a piece of ham.

Oh, alright, then,
you look sexy.

I don't feel very sexy.

I had a chat
with the builders

and they can't start
for another month.

- Hey, Misha.
- Hi. Where are you?

I had a fan phone
call today.

Do you remember
the agent

Steve used to have
in la called Matt?

Sort of, yeah.

Look, when you come back

I was thinking

maybe we could go out
to Rachel's
for the weekend?

Fantastic.
Yeah, I'd love to do that.

- You're not excited.
- Yeah. But I'll..

Uh, you know what, yeah,
uh, we'll definitely
do that.

But why don't you
come out earlier?

He wants me
to go with him

and be represented
by him in la.

Well, surely, there's no
point in that, is there?

Absolutely
the right answer.

Well done. I give you
two points for that.

And that is what I will be
telling this little
American fellow

uh, in me own way. Uh..

That it's too far away
from me.

Yeah, of course, it is.

But isn't Joe
supposed to come out?

Yeah, but he's --
he can do his own thing.

You know,
he's a big boy.

How old is he now?

He's 20 years old now.

Oh, you better
watch out.

I might like him
more than I like you.

- Yeah, you're gross.
- Look, I gotta go.

- I'll talk to you later.
- Okay, bye.

Oh, they're here.

Hey. Oh.

- Hola.
- Hola.

- How you doing?
- Hey.

- Good to see you.
- You, too.
How's it going?

- Thank you. How are you?
- Great.

- Very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

- Hey, how are you?
- Hello, you alright?

- Well, good to see you.
- How was your flight?

Yeah, it was very good.
So photographs.

- Location's up the hill.
- What about them?

- Yes.
- I'm gonna
have them there.

Yeah.

These are about two sizes
too big, the shoes.

Yeah, this is
really painful.

I don't know,
i don't know how anyone
can fight in this stuff.

What shoe size
did you give them?

- The size that you sent,
sent me over.
- Well, that was seven.

These feel like a ten
or, or an eleven.

You've only gotta wear
them for a minute, so..

- Oh..
- You alright, Steve?

So, you guys ready?

We could've got changed,
uh, up here
and not down there.

Let him push you up.

One, two, three.

Okay.

- I can give you a push.
- I can give you a hand.

No, no. I don't need
any help.
I've done it before.

One, two, three.

- Hey, there.
- Yay, good.

Just about getting
the timing right.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

There's no saddle.
Alright, thank you.

Hang on.

- Okay. Do it quickly.
Yeah?
- Hold your horses.

Oh-oh!

- Take the picture.
- Just take
the fucking picture.

What's she doing there?
Is she on the Internet?

- Just take the picture.
- Yes, I'm coming, rob.

Very good.

don quixote had
three trips, didn't he?

He had the one
that he went out
on his own.

And he went back
and visited
Sancho panza

and then he had the sequel
and -- and this is

now your third trip.

When cervantes
wrote the sequel

in the interim, after
he'd written
the -- the first part

there was a fake sequel
published.

Then he incorporated
the fake sequel

into his real sequel.

So, he made that part
of the story.

So when he wrote
in his travels
in the second book

he bumps into people
who've read
the fake sequel.

And so he can slag it off
within the pages

as don quixote.

That is so bold
and innovative.

I mean,
it's 500 years ago.

So, effectively,
he was post-modern

before there was any
modern to be post about.

Amazing.

Cervantes, of course,
when he was 37

he married
a 19-year-old.

Impressive for a man
with one arm.

Thirty years ago
when I came to Spain

I was 18 years old,
I was pursuing

a 37-year-old woman.

- She was 37?
- The reverse.

I wasn't doing
the kind of cliche

going with a
younger woman..

She was actually
20 years older than me.

Would you now be with
a woman 20 years older?

Well, I don't --
i think that that's --

I'll ask again.

Would you now be with
a woman 20 years older?

A 70-year-old.
A 70-year-old.

That's academic.

She -- she could be
in any profession,
it wouldn't matter.

But he imagined that
the, uh, the inns
were castles, didn't he?

- In -- in
his imagination.
- He did, yeah.

We've been staying
in inns?

Well, we've been literally
staying in castles.

Sorry, we have, yeah.
No, we've been staying
in castles.

I think they're inns.
He stayed in inns, he
thought they were castles.

- So it's, uh..
- So -- so, yes.

- Like a circle
and a spiral.
- The other way around.

- Yes.
- Like a wheel
within a wheel.

Never ending
or beginning

on an
ever-spinning reel.

Yeah.

Like the circles
that you find

in the windmills
of your mind.

- The windmills.
- Windmills.

That could be
a post-modern manifesto.

- It really could.
- Or a lovely song
from the '70s.

"Spanish fly,"
rob brydon, Steve coogan.

Wonderful stuff
from them.

Now, don't forget,
we've come a long way
this morning --

uh, let me just
interrupt you there

old kibby Bruce,
me old friend.

Because, uh, anyone
who's anyone

will know that..

...the title of the song
by herb Albert

is "Spanish flea"
and not "Spanish fly."

May I be so bold
as to pick you up

on a wee-point,
which is, that it's
not herb Albert.

It's herb Alpert,
with a p.

You got your -- your ps
and your bs
mixed up there.

You got your fleas and
your flies all over.

And you've got your,
you've got your ps
and your bs.

I feel a little bold
with the mistake there

so that you can
pick me up,
so we're all..

So we're all
even-Steven.

...probably never know
if that was a sweet..

Fleas, flies,
peas, bees.

You put a p
in the wrong place..

I had a p
in the wrong place once

they won't let me back
in that supermarket again.

Yes, and don't forget
that, you know

time flies like an arrow,
but fruit flies

like a banana.

This is beautiful.
Very calming.

- Yeah.
- It's wonderful.

It's interesting, isn't it?
We started in the
birthplace

of king ferdinand.

And here we are
at the place
where they were buried.

- Here?
- Yeah, in the hotel.

- It wasn't a hotel then.
- No, it wasn't then.

That would be awful,
wouldn't it? Dreadful.

I have a reservation,
uh, Smith.

- Corpses of.
- Give us a moment, please.

We are about to bury
the king, please.

What? Yes,
we have a gymnasium.

Why are they buried
in granada then?

Because this
is the last town

to fall
to the catholics.

That's why they call them
the catholic
king and queen.

The thing with the moors
is they were way
more tolerant

than the catholics
who came after them.

I'm a big fan
of the moors. I'm..

Dudley Moore,
Christy Moore,
Patrick Moore.

No more, please.

- Roger Moore.
- No.

When I think back
to the moors
being here in Spain

I can honestly say
we had a wonderful time.

Mother booked the holiday
and we arrived

and found the hotel
to be to our liking.

And of course, what you're
forgetting to point out
is that the moors

when they conquered Spain
in the early 8th century

they were, uh,
encountering a Europe

that was still very much
in the dark ages.

It was pitch black.

But they, of course, built
beautiful palaces
like this.

They were very ahead
of their time.

I have to tell you,
when we were building
these palaces

my fellow moors,
mother, father,
and sister

sometimes we would
encounter a workman

who, perhaps,
wasn't working quite
as quickly as I would want.

Then I would
say to him..

- Move!
- Move!

- Move!
- Move!

- Move!
- Move!

- Um..
- A lot of them thought
they were hearing cows.

The thing about doing
Roger Moore..

- Yes?
- Less is more.

Ah, you've met
my brother, les.
Les, come in.

That's right,
I'm also a Moore.
Les Moore.

I was trying to hint
that you should always

leave your audience
wanting more.

My audience
constantly wants more

and that's what
i give them.

Roger Moore.

Oh, quit while you
are ahead.

They introduced
the orange to Spain.

- The moors?
- Yeah.

- Really? From where?
- She's absolutely right.

- I guess Morocco.
- Morocco.

That's where
they were coming from.

I could explain it to you
if you like.

It was my mother.
She packed one
into her hand luggage.

- He didn't get the hint,
did he?
- No.

On one of our holidays

of course, I said,
"mother, what are
you doing?"

She said, "shush, Roger,
I'm going to introduce
the orange to Spain."

And about the other thing
that moors introduced
was, of course

uh, our numerical
system.

That's right, we're
going to calculate --

because basically they..

We used
to use Roman numerals

and it was only
when they found the
arabic numerical system

that we developed that
into, into the

the -- the numerical
system we use today.

Mm-hmm.

Mother said
it would never work.

He's very crazy.

Um, the fact is that

the, the moors were fa --
far more sophisticated.

They knew about
medicine, philosophy,
uh, mathematics.

- Uh, uh, astronomy.
- Oh, we love looking..

Very, very..
Way more advanced than..

And also managed
to marry, uh --

my parents did marry.
You're quite right.

They married at a young
age, they had me --

rob, rob, rob --

- it was a wonderful time.
- Seriously, seriously.

It was a wonderful day.
My uncle bertie
gave the sermon.

He was a preacher,
you see?

The Greek philosophers
were translated

into arabic by, by --
by the moors,
and it was only when

during --
during the crusades

when they
invaded Toledo --

I remember father
sitting at his desk

translating night
and day.

My mother
would say to him

"when are you going to
take Roger to the park?"

Aristotle's teachings
were translated
into arabic by the muslims

and then during
the crusades, they --

why didn't you say they
were done by the moors?

Are you trying
to discourage me?

- What?
- Look, please, yes --

you've stopped
saying moors,
you started saying muslims

and I find that a little
racially offensive.

Go on. Please.

You started off referring
to us as the moors.

Now you're referring
to us as muslims.

The moors were muslims.

But why did you start
with moors?

It doesn't matter,
the -- the people
I'm talkin' about

were one and the same,
moors were muslims.

No, I'm not Roger Muslim.
I'm Roger Moore.

Dear god. Oh, dear.

Oh, I've bought you
a ticket the first thing
in the morning

to see the alhambra.

- Oh, brilliant.
Great, great.
- Yeah.

Rob, I've got one
for you too.

Can I go later?
Can I go after breakfast?

It'll be busy.

Yolanda,
you should come with me.

I can't. I have to take
an early flight back
to London.

- Really? That's a shame.
- Hm.

You're leavin' me alone
with him?

Ah, you won't be alone.
I'm coming with you
to malaga.

I'm gonna make sure
Joe gets to you safely.

- Thank the lord.
- Great.

- Hello?
- Hey, hey, dad.

- Hey. How you doin'?
- I'm..

Yeah, I'm -- I'm good.
How are you?

Um, great.
Really looking forward
to seeing you.

Well, I've, I've, uh,
I've missed you, buddy.

Uh, yeah, that was, that
was what I was calling
about, actually.

Uh, yeah. Emma's, Emma's,
uh, she's been
in touch, right?

She said she's organized
all the flights --

no, dad. I can't come.

What do you m --
what are you
talking about?

I just --
i just can't come.

I need to, I need
to stay here with Helen.

What's going on?
Talk to me.

She's pregnant.

- You're fucking
kidding me.
- She's..

- You fucking idiot.
- She's pregnant.

I need to stay here
with her, so we can
figure out what we're gonna do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait..

Are you certain
she's pregnant?

Yes, she's definitely
pregnant.

And you're sure
it's, it's yours?

- Dad!
- Um..

Um..

You're 20 years old.

You're too young
to have a kid.
You know, it's -- it's..

Any decisions
you make now

will have ramifications
for the rest
of your life.

Yes, I know

but I'm not just making
decisions for me anymore.

I need to think about her
and we need to think about
what we're gonna do.

Hah.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

You see, you don't have
to be sorry, okay?

It's okay. It doesn't --
doesn't matter
about coming over here.

You know, it just, um..

Whatever happens,
I'm -- I'm --
I'm here for you, alright?

- Thanks, dad.
- And I love you.

Love you too.

Okay. Listen, um..

And don't worry
about it, alright?

Hm. Yeah.

I love you,
and I'll talk
to you later, okay?

Yeah.
Love you too.

Gracias.

Hey, good morning.

Buenos dias,
amigo coogan.

How was the alhambra?

It was, uh, good,
it was good

but it was, uh,
you know, beautiful

spiritual,
blah, blah, blah.

You okay?

Joe's not comin' out.

What? Why?

Uh, his girlfriend's
pregnant.

Oh, my god.

- Bloody hell.
- What's he gonna do?

Ah, well,
i told him he had options.

What does that mean?

Well, he's too young
to -- to be a dad.

He's not very worldly,
you know?

You know what this means,
don't you?

I'd start thinking
about it.

You're gonna be
a granddad.

Thank you, lord.

Look at those. Ah.

Yeah, a lot of people think
they're ugly
'cause they're modern

but I think
they're, they're beautiful
'cause they're functional.

"Tilting at turbines."
That's what we should
call my, uh

book about Spain.

Good idea.

Oh, look, almeria.
Isn't that where you were
gonna take Joe snorkeling?

- Yeah, it was, yeah.
- Oh.

I brought him here
as a baby
when I was filming.

How old was he?

- Oh, about six months.
- Aww.

You know, we could
still stop.
We've got time.

I'll go snorkeling
with you if you want.
I -- I could be Joe.

You dressed in a nappy,
crawling around
on the beach eating sand

uh, only has
limited appeal.

Well, it wouldn't be
for everyone.

I mean,
I'm the first to admit.

That was a long time ago
when I was still married
to his mom.

Yeah.

Do you know
who lives in malaga?

The mayor of malaga.

- Yes. Correct.
- Thank you.

And Sean Connery.

Marbella,
Mr. coogan, marbella.

You make the mistake.
He lives in marbella.

Yeah, but he -- he flies
into malaga.

Uh, by all accounts

he's a very well-respected
pillar of the society.

Yes, he's, uh, very active
in his civic,
civic duties.

I like to get involved.
Uh, the recycling,
for example.

Plastics on a Friday,
cardboard on a Saturday.

Do you expect me
to talk?

No, Mr. bond.
I expect you to die.

- Well..
- This is
the Russian salad.

Thank you.

When he met
cubby broccoli

and, uh, Harry Saltzman

to discuss the role,
as he left the meeting

and they looked out
of the window and said
he.. Not yet.

And said..
"What are you doing?"

Getting ready to do
Sean Connery.

You appear to be
doing him already.

As he left the building,
and he walked out
across regent street

they looked down and said,
"that man is bond.
He moves like a panther."

- Like a panther.
- Like a panther.

Yes, but walking like
a panther

is not enough to bag you
the role of James Bond

because, of course,
bond is also something
of a bulldog, so --

he was primarily --

he had to be a combination
of a panther

and, and a bulldog.

Apologies if I've been
dragging my ass
around the carpet

because I may
have worms.

I have a very itchy anus,
i apologize now

but it's part and parcel
of being a panther
or a dog.

When you introduce me
to blofeld

perhaps I should curl up
and lick my balls.

I think I make quite
a good knight, don't I?

- Yeah.
- You do, actually, yeah.

With the best one
in the world

you could never be
El cid.

You could be a chap
called sid,
just not El cid.

- I could be old sid.
- Yeah.

- You could be old sid.
- Old El cid.

Look me in the eye
and tell me you think
you could play El cid

in a remake,
the charlton heston role.

I mean, then you could
certainly play
Michael hordern in El cid.

- Who did he play?
- Someone's dad.
I can't remember.

Oh. You know
who Michael hordern was?

- Michael hordern?
- I don't.

Michael hordern
would go..

- Uh, Paddington bear --
- yeah, I know --

that wasn't
Michael hordern, that was
Michel hordern's horse.

Michael hordern.

Didn't he do
"no man's land"
with gielgud?

You wouldn't know,
it's theater, but he did.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

You know
who's doing it now?

I -- Ian mckellen.
"You shall not have
the ring --"

Ian mckellen speaks
like that
with a slight..

However refined he is,
northern flat vowels.

Yes. Gracias.

Finito.

Muchos gracias.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Yeah, but you're missing
a bit of campness, you
see, because Ian --

well, no,
i think you overplay that.

No, no, no, no, no,
no..

You don't quite
get it --

I've spoken to him
in person.
Oh, you do make me laugh.

I have met him
many, many times.

- How many times?
- Many, many times.

And you don't get
the musicality when
he throws a line up --

that was good.
That was good.

But still with
the flat vowels, they're
very much in evidence

however much he may
try to be
the supronunciation

with the vowels.

Oh, you do make me laugh,
you really do.
Oh, you do make me laugh.

Oh. We need a laugh,
don't we?

Oh. You do make me laugh,
rob, you do.

Does he do that more
in private though?

'Cause when he met me,
he said, "you're a very
good actor."

- Ooh, yum!
- Ah!

- Enjoy.
- Gracias, gracias.

Do you wanna come back
with me? I can get you
on the same flight.

No, I'll stay. Thank you.
Um, I'm gonna write..
I'm gonna finish my book.

I think the word you're
looking for is start.

Thinkin' about Joe.

Twenty is a young age
to have a child.

How old were you
when you had your kids?

- Forty-three.
- A bit
of a difference.

Yes. I didn't drink
till I was 35.

Had my first child
at 43.

Are the two related?
We'll never know.

How old?
Yeah, what's her name,
the girlfriend?

- Helen. She's 19.
- Ah!

- Nineteen?
- Gosh.

Only 19 years old.

She was only
19 years old.

I don't mean
any disrespect,
Steve, but --

she was only 19,
she was only.. You've got
to get the voice, mate.

Well, you got emosh
in your voice
when you say it.

- She was only --
- now he has.

She was 19 years old.

Joe, who's met
the young lady --

she was,
she was only 19 years old.

When Joe and Helen
had a child

she was only
19-years-old.

She was only..
It's actually 16
in the film.

I know that,
but Helen was
only 19 years old

and she had a child
with Joe.

She had a grandfather
who was so talented

who was so gifted.

- He was only --
- the grandfather
was only 50 years old.

Fifty years old.

Hey, do you know
who was born in malaga?

- No.
- Picasso.

- Who?
- Picasso.

- Is that true?
- Yeah.

They've -- they've opened
a museum to him.

Who played Picasso
in a very popular film
of the last ten years?

Who was it?
No, ask Emma.

Who played Picasso?

Guess, it's one of rob's
five impressions. That
should narrow it down.

It wasn't tom Jones,
it wasn't tom Jones.

- No, I wouldn't have
thought that.
- Wasn't tom Jones?

- Okay, we're
getting closer.
- Spanish, Spanish.

- You're getting warmer.
- Tony Hopkins.

Tony Hopkins played a,
a surviving,
surviving Picasso.

I played the painter,
wonderful man.

Uh, I don't like to talk
about it. I like to draw.

I like to put the eyes
here, the nose there.

- The mouth up there.
- He played Picasso
as a welshman?

Well, he didn't,
he didn't, sir.

- He didn't do
a Spanish accent, Steve.
- Did he not?

He doesn't have
your versatility.
Let's be honest.

Known to paint and
he painted the paintings
in a figurative way.

He knew how to
do still life
and he knew how to, uh

you know, paint,
uh, the radius.

Pablo, Pablo,
uh, some of the men
are saying

that you're painting
in a very strange way.

They're saying that
the nose is where
the eyes should be.

- Some of them are saying
you're a cubist.
- Oh, Pablo, is it?

Not captain or sir?
Um, eh?

They're a rambling,
skip load.

They want me to put
the nose in the front
of the face

in the middle,
like that.

Right? And the eyes
next -- next to the nose?

- Is that what you want?
- Yes, sir.

Tell the men
I'm gonna put the nose

where the cheek is
and we'll put
the eyes up here

and the mouth
round the corner.

And we'll sail down to the
cape of good hope,
goddamn ya, sir.

Will put the eyes
where I want to

and the nose
where I want to.

If you turn your back
on me

I shall put two eyes
on your back

and a nose down
by your ass.

Do you want that, sir?
Is that what
you want, sir?

Don't turn
your back on me.

I will draw you
like a cubist.
That's what I'll do.

If you turn your back
on me, I'll put a nose
on your bottom, sir.

Down the hole
is a good way,
down the hole we shall go.

What's interesting
about Picasso is
and why I love him

his early paintings
are very orthodox.

- Very accessible.
- Yeah, yeah.

He knew how to do
all that, but he said

"that's not enough, I want
to rewrite the rulebook

and be radical
and avant- garde."

Are you a bit
like Picasso, Steve?

- Well, I, I empathize
with his point of view.
- Yes, he is, he is!

- He's gonna say it.
- What I'm saying is --

can I record this?
Hang on, hang on,
let me..

- Hola. Buenas tardes.
- Hola. Buenas tardes.

Um, I've got a reservation,
Steve coogan.

"This castle
is gibralfaro

"named after the same man
as Gibraltar.

"When the moors
came in 711 they were
only a few thousand.

"Within a couple
of years

they controlled
almost all of Spain."

That's exactly
the same as Isis
and the modern caliphate

because there was only
a few thousands of them

and yet they controlled
half of Syria
and half of Iraq.

And they're trying to
emulate what the moors did

when they had controlled
everywhere
from cordoba to Baghdad.

Well, Isis aren't tolerant.
They're not doing it
with tolerance and --

no, they're not,
but islam, uh, is --

can we stop talking
about Isis?

Cervantes was captured
by barbary pirates

and taken to Algiers
and there was a price
on his head.

And when the ransom
was paid, he let his
brother go instead of him.

- Is that true?
- That is true.

He let his brother go
when he could've gone?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

I know.

Not sure I'd do that.
Would you do that?

- Let your brother go?
- Uh, probably not.

No, I don't think
I would either

even with the best one
in the world.

I think if my child
was there, they could
take my child.

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.
- I'd let any child go.

- Any child?
- Any child.

As long as it,
you know, I mean..
Not, not any child.

I mean, they'd have to be
worth the effort.

Well, cervantes,
when he tried to escape,
he was captured.

He had a noose
around his neck,
he was taken to Hassan

the leader of Algiers

and he became his lover to
literally save his neck.

- Bum or neck?
- Yeah.

If that's what
it comes down to, yes.

- Life or bum.
- Well, either way,
you're buggered.

Let me say now, I'm in.
I -- I, uh --

- really?
- He's in, rather.
He's in.

Ah, but they became
lovers, so it'd be
in out, in out.

- All --
- see that ferry?

- Yeah.
- That's the ferry
for Africa.

- Really?
- Hm.

Yeah, it's always good to
say goodbye in the mist

like, uh, the end
of "Casablanca."

Could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

Could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

- Could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
- You gotta get the depth.

I got the depth
right there.

Look at that
mystical city.

Right. I'm gonna make
a move. Um, early flight.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Me, too, actually.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm. Oh.

- We say our goodbyes now.
- Okay, okay.

Yeah. Sure you're gonna
be alright?

- Yeah. Yeah, no,
it's, uh..
- Okay.

I'm gonna look
forward to this week,
writing and --

- alright, good.
- What have you, you know?

Hey, what can we say?

- It's been a week.
- It has.

And I'll see you..

In another country.

- In the future.
- Yeah, in the future.

- Have fun now.
- Yeah, okay.

Bye.

Now I disappear
into the mist.

Could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

- Buenos dias.
- Hi.

- Oh, you're English.
- Yeah.

My name's ambrose.
I'm the son
of the owners here.

Oh, right. Great, great.

Hey, can I help you
with your bags?

Yeah, sure.

So, this will be
your room.

Oh, this is great, yeah.
Very cozy.

Now we thought
there were going to be
two of you, but..

Yeah, my son, uh,
was gonna come, but he,
he couldn't make it.

Oh, well.

Right. Well,
I'll leave you now.

Okay. How -- how old
are you, by the way?

- Seventeen.
- Oh.

Well, okay.
Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, ambrose.

- Guess who it is.
- Hey!

How -- how's it been?

- It was good.
- Yeah?

- Where's the team?
Hiya.
- We're all here.

- Oh.
- Where are you?

- Good to see you.
- Hey.

- Oh. We missed you.
- Come on.

- Daddy.
- Come on.

- How's my girl?
- Good.

- You good?
- Good.

- Who's your
favorite parent?
- You.

- Yay!
- Thanks. Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

- I'm good.
- Where are you?

I'm in, uh, andalucia

in -- in the mountains.
It's great.

Is Joe there?

No, he's not, no.
Look, you should come
out here.

I can't.

Why not?
What is it, work?

I just can't.

Why, why not?

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- Yeah, I know
it's stupid.

Well, is it mine?

No.

- Is it Adam's?
- Yeah.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

I thought you weren't
sleeping with him
anymore.

Look, I gotta go.
He's waiting
for me downstairs.

What, what,
he's back in New York?

Yeah.
Look, I gotta go.

I'm sorry.
Take care.

It's the number one song
in the charts.

"Turtle on your head."

I thought Charlie
was gonna be in bed.

Well, technically,
he's in bed now.
Aren't you, Charlie?

- Yeah, he's in his bed.
- 'Cause dinner's ready.

Uh..

No, no esta noche.

- Muy bien.
- Soy no muy hambriento.

Muy bien, gracias.

- Mm.
- Oh, I've missed you.

Mm. I've missed you too.

But now he was back
and there's no reason

that we can't resume
hostilities..

...as we did
before he left.

- Oh, god.
- Right.

- That's you, not me.
- No, it's your turn.

- You can climb over.
- I..

- Come on.
- I've been doing it
all week.

I've been away
for a week.

Quickly, and then
we can get back
to what we were doing.

Oh, no,
the moment's gone.
You can forget that.

I might've fallen
asleep.

What's the matter?
Did you drop him?

Have you
dropped him, eh?

Did you want him?
Yes.

The dragon looked back
from the top
of the castle.

He said,
"i think
you're scared of me.

I'm the biggest dragon
in the whole world."

- It's gonna
turn orange, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Right, darling,
have a gorgeous day.

Mommy's picking you up,
okay? But I'll be home
when you get back.

- Love you.
- Bye.

See ya,
have a good day.

Hey, Joe.
It's dad. Um..

I hope things are okay.
Uh, call me.

Let's, uh...Touch base.

Tell me
what's going on.

Hello. Hey!
How you doing?

Where are you?
It's noisy.

I thought you were
in the mountains.

It's just
the streets here
in malaga, you know?

You're not in a bar,
are you?

No, I'm not in a bar.
No, no.
Hey, listen, uh..

Okay, so, I'm calling
because, uh..

...um, I want
to be with you.

- I know but --
- I don't care
about the baby.

I mean, I do care
about the baby.

What I mean is,
uh -- uh..

Yeah, I'll, I -- I..

I -- I'll bring it up
with you, you know?

We can raise it
together.
Uh, it'll have two dads.

Lots of people do that.

Yeah, lots of gay men.

So it'll have, like,
two dads and one mom.

That's...It'll be
a lucky kid.

I don't know.
I'm in New York,
you're in London --

I'll move to New York.
I love New York.

You know that.
It -- it's..

- Why, why don't you
come out?
- I don't know.

Come out.
And tell you what?

We can go
to the atlas mountains.

Hey, do you remember
that hotel
that you really like?

It's, I mean,
I can get the ferry
from here and, uh..

You know, I can
almost see Africa
from here.

Ah..

Oh.

Hello.

Nice surprise.

You're here already.

I've been waiting
for you.

I've missed you.

I missed you.

I love you.

Oh, fuck.

Hello?

- Oh, hello, rob?
- Hiya. Emma?

Uh, I was just wondering.
Have you heard
from Steve?

No.
Why, should I?

He's checked out
of the hotel

and I -- I don't know
where he is.

Is he lost in la mancha?

Yeah, he's normally
on the phone to me
ten times a day

which is why
I'm a bit worried.

He'll be sitting
somewhere
talking to a nun

and asking
if she's heard
of judi dench.

Allahu akbar!
Allahu akbar!

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