All language subtitles for Paperback2015eng

- Yeah, maybe.

- Cool, maybe I
can like, call you.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

- Yeah, you should do that.

Okay, here's a pen.

I can't remember the
last time I did this.

Here we go.

This feels very 1993 right now.

- I can't remember the
last time I saw somebody

use paper to write something.

- That's actually
my pager number.

- Oh yeah, 'cause it's
the '90s. Yeah, I got ya.

- It's green, you can
see the inside of it.

- And then I'll call you on
one of those gigantic phones

with the really long cord

that you have to like walk in
and out of your kitchen on.

- Anyway...

Well, have a good
day. See you around.

- Bye.

Oh, we can watch Spin City.

'Cause that's, you
know, still on the air.

Oh my god.

- Did that girl just
give you her number?

- Yeah.

- Is there something
wrong with her?

No.

I don't think so.

- Huh.

- Hey, asshole, there's
nothing wrong with her.

She's well-adjusted,
smart, and confident

and that's why she likes me.

- Okay.

- Man you are really
killing the vibe here.

I had like five seconds of
actual happiness. Thank you.

- You don't think
that was weird,

what happened out there?

- No. Stranger things have...

Okay, it was a little weird.

But maybe that means this
one is different, you know.

Like you always see
those old couples,

they've been together
for like 60 years

and you're like, "How
did this happen,"

because the woman is
this sweet little thing

who you know was just
smoking hot in her prime

and the guy is this like fat
idiot with this ugly mug,

he's not even charming
or anything. You know?

- So that's what
you think this is,

the beginning of a long lifetime

of misery for that poor girl?

- It's called love.
- Sign me up.

- I think so.

- Cool, me too.

- Tom.

- I couldn't find the book
in any of the bookstores.

- Yeah, you can
only find it online.

- Okay, um, is it still
covered by financial aid?

- Yeah, you'll be fine here.

Books are covered
by financial aid

if they're on the syllabus.

- Oh, okay, thanks.
See you Monday.

- See you Monday.

Look at this guy!

- You have students,
that's crazy.

- Yeah, it's just so surreal
to be back here, you know?

- Not really, no.

- Oh, right.

Oh, how was your
big camping trip?

Your-- what do you call
it

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Pretty good, I guess.

- Oh.

Did you finish your book?

- It's almost there.

- That's great. I can't
wait to read it man.

You know, I'm actually starting
to work on another too.

- Oh, cool.

- But uh, let's get out of
here. Wanna grab a beer?

- No, let's go do something else

'cause there's a million
things to do in the city.

- Yeah, let's go
play a quick nine.

- Wow, exactly the same.

- Hey Rob.
- Hey Carl.

This is my best friend Jason.

We used to come here
all the time in college.

He just moved back to teach.

- Oh, just a bourbon
I guess, with ice.

Nice guy.

- It's pretty wild.

- Right there, it's
where I met Serena.

Remember that night? That was--

- Listen to this.

So I met this girl today,

and I don't want to
get ahead of myself

but I think she's the one.

- Yeah.

- That's great.
- Thanks.

Why does everyone--

Of course she's normal.

- Okay, just checking.

Can I give you some advice?

I mean, I am married

so there's proof I'm
better at this than you.

- Okay, what, what.

- Play hard to get.

You get 'em? Keep it open.

- That's your advice.
- That is my advice.

- Yep.

- I've never heard
that before, thanks.

You're a master of
female psychology.

- Oh yeah, I know it's
a cliche, but it works.

You think I tricked my wife?

- Sorry again about
the, you know, wedding.

- No, it's cool.

- Plane tickets these
days are just crazy.

- I know you wanted to be there.

- I'm excited to meet her
though. Does she like it?

- Eh, you know. She's--
she'll come around.

She's still getting
used to the place.

- Yeah, she'll get there.

Hello?

- Hey, it's Rob from yesterday.

Oh, hi.

No no no, it's just...

Give me a second.

Okay, that's better.
I can hear you now.

Oh, I'm just at this
thing that's full of people

talking about how
great they are.

It's really fun.

- Yeah, I'm at one
of those things too.

- It's a banquet.
- Oh.

- It's in my honor, actually,
so it's pretty cool.

It's for all my charity work.

Is this why you
called me, Rob, to lie to me?

- No, actually I was wondering

if you wanted to hang
out tomorrow night.

- Yeah.

- I have-- I have
plans, actually.

- Oh, okay.

But Sunday, I think
I can hang out on Sunday,

if you want.

- Okay. Yeah, that'd be cool.

I'll call you.

Okay. You gonna
take me out on your yacht?

- Bye.

- Bye.

- You said your dream
girl couldn't come?

- It would have been nice

to make a thing out
of a ton of friends.

- Yeah well sorry,
you're stuck with me.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- Girl, what's
happening? Oh my god.

Jesus.

- Hey.
- Hey, Jesus.

- Sorry, I had two flats.

How long have you been here?

- 10 minutes, which
is way too long

to be a stranger
in someone's house.

- I think she's hiding
in the bathroom.

That's smart.

- Yeah, she's crashing up there.

- Oh my God.

That girl I met

- Be cool.

What does that mean?

- I don't know.

- 'sup.

- Hey, hi.

What's going on?

- This is my wife, Emily.

- Hi, I'm Emily. So nice
to finally meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

- Yeah, so have I.

- You two are off
to a terrible start.

- Rob saw this girl he just
met who he's obsessed with.

- I wouldn't say obsessed.

- Sorry, completely
in love with.

So, where is she?

- Uh...

That's her over there,
eating a ton of food.

- Oh yeah, she's cute.

Was she wearing pigtails
when you met her?

Rob has like a fetish for
pigtails. It's super creepy.

- It's not a fetish, I
just think they're cool.

- Yeah, pigtails are really
cool. Everyone knows that.

So you gonna go
talk to her or what?

- Yeah, I'll go do that.

- If you're just as weird
as you are right now,

it will go great.

- Okay...

- Jason Mcallister.
- Oh yeah, hi. You're...

- Rob Semeder, we teach
in the same building.

Loved your book.
- Oh, thank you.

- Holy shit. Have you
tried this mac and cheese?

- Something just happened.

Did you shit your pants?

No, god.

- You look like you
shit your pants.

- I didn't.

The girl who gave
me her number...

Where is she?

- Be cool.

- She's here, and she's married.

- I knew it! Oh
my god, I knew it.

I knew there was
something wrong with her.

- Yes, you were right.
Congratulations.

Stop celebrating.
- I knew it!

- Okay, they're
watching right now

so we have to pretend
that we're flirting.

You want
me to flirt with you?

- Uh yeah. Yeah, please.

Why?

- Because before she came
up I was talking about her

and he thinks that
she is you, so...

- Oh, great.
- So light and flirty.

Pretend I just said
something funny.

Are you serious? What
the hell was that?

- That was laughter.

- I was doing what you told
me to do, I was laughing.

- Did you hear a joke
while getting a pap smear?

Because that's what
that laugh sounded like.

- Do you want me to
fake like you or not?

- Okay, interesting.

So true, I'll have to
check out that article.

- You don't read
articles, come on.

Just, okay...

Is this what serial
killers look like

when they flirt with each other?

- No, this is great.
You're doing great.

This is very convincing.

Is it? Don't touch me!

Which one is her husband?

- You know that guy,
Jason, I was talking about?

- Yeah.

- What's-- Have you not seen
a picture of her, or like...

- I guess I forgot to ask.

- Jesus, you really need to
stop being so self-involved,

or at the very
least join Facebook.

- Okay, I'll get on
that. I'll get on that.

What do I do in the
meantime though?

Because this is terrible.

- You've gotta fix this as
soon as possible. That's it.

- Oh yeah. Just think.

That is really distracting.

Can you just take it
easy with the winking?

You look like you're
having a seizure.

- I am seducing you.

- People wink once. They don't
wink like 10 times, that's--

- Can you just do this

so I can quit pretending
I find you charming?

- Okay.
- Okay, good.

Hello?

- Oh my god, why
are they coming?

Do they hear us?

- Rob. I'd like you to meet
a professor in my department.

This is Mark.

- Hey, how's it going.

- I recognize you.
You work at Satchels.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Some good pizza. My
compliments to the chef.

Which would be you I guess.

- It's just temporary.

- Are you gonna
introduce us to...

- Well yeah, this is Samantha.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Um, sorry, I have to go home.

My son won't stop trying to
cut my babysitter's hair, so...

- Oh, good luck with that.
- Thank you.

Call me.
- Will do.

So, who are you
here with

- You were happy
when you found out

your book was going to be
released in hardcover, right?

- Yeah, I was glad they
thought I was selling copies.

- No, but besides the money.

Hardcovers, they're
durable, they last.

They come with this feeling of:

this thing that I created
that I put my everything into

might still be around
and mean something

in 10 years, or 100.

Paperbacks don't have
that, they're disposable,

you know, forgettable.

Doesn't mean they can't be
a good read or anything.

- Well I'm sorry that I
have to play the role of

the old lady party pooper,
but I'm exhausted sweetie.

Do you think we can head home?
- Yeah, let's all head home.

- Oh come on, it's only 10:30.

- Rob, why don't
you walk Emily home?

- No. No no no.

- I mean, if you're
both ready to go

it will give you a chance
to get to know each other.

I mean, you barely
talked all night.

- It's probably in
opposite directions.

- No no, we're on
the way for him.

It's really no inconvenience
at all, right Rob?

You can do that.

- I don't uh-- I don't want to.

What's the matter
with you? Be a gentleman.

- I don't want to
be a gentleman.

- Walk my wife home!
- All right, fine!

- Thank you! Jesus!

- Thank you honey.
Thank you very much.

- Are you trying to come up with

some of your clever small talk?

- No, okay, I only go
through the trouble

of being clever with girls
I'm trying to sleep with.

Please don't respond to that.

- Hey, I'm surprised too.

- Oh, good. I feel better.

- Look, I am aware
that this is terrible.

- Well one of us has known

that you were married
the whole time.

By the way, where's
your wedding ring?

- I don't like rings.

- Why, because they
remind you of sacred vows?

- Hey, I haven't been
very happy lately

and I engaged in some
harmless flirting,

or at least I told myself
that that's what it was.

- How could you not be happy
with Jason? He's the best.

I mean, he's Jason.

- You're not married
to him, okay.

Things are just complicated
with us right now.

- So what, you just
go cheat on him

with the first hot guy you meet?

- Oh, okay. I think cheating

is a pretty hefty
accusation there.

- Well what would have happened

if I didn't see you tonight?

- I don't know, okay.
Honestly I have no idea.

Really it's-- It's been
freaking me out. But...

I'm being truthful with you.

I felt something,

when we met, something that I
haven't felt in a long time,

something real.

I mean didn't you?

- Maybe.

- I don't know, I saw
you and I liked you.

I liked that you were sweating

and you didn't know
what you were doing,

and you have no direction.

- Okay, stop telling me
what you like about me.

- I just...

I know that you
and I are the same.

You and I aren't like
Jason and that professor.

You're not gonna sit around

and talk about how
amazing our book is.

I mean you and I aren't gonna
do anything with our lives.

- No, of course not.

- Oh, well I--

You said that whole
thing on the phone

and I thought that you
were being serious about--

- I thought that we
were being quippy.

- Oh.

- Whatever. Look,
you can't think that.

Everybody can do something great

with their lives if they try.

- Man, when we were on the phone
I thought you were kidding.

- Look, I know things got weird.

You were right. I was wrong.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

- Good. Good.

- So...

You're not obsessed
with me then?

- That's funny.
That's very funny.

This is an awesome night.

- All right, well thank you
so much for walking me home.

I appreciate it, and I...

I owe you one.

You're not gonna do it anymore?

- No, of course not.
He's my best friend.

- Okay, I'm making sure
because this is actually

the worst thing that you
have the capacity to do.

- I can do a lot of terrible
things if I wanted to.

- No you couldn't.
- Of course I could.

Are you serious?

- I could kill a guy, if
he pissed me off enough.

- You are such a pussy.
You could not kill a man.

You'd be like crying,
"I'm so sorry.

"I scraped you. I
didn't mean to."

- I will rob this
place right now.

- Yeah.

- First of all, you
can't afford a gun.

Second of all, it would be
the only robbery in history

where the person with the gun
is the one pissing himself.

- Give me your wallet.
Give me your wallet.

- Get off me.

- I'm gonna think of something.

- I'm sure you will.

Fucking idiot.

- Um, nothing. Just reading.

What?

- Uh, the Bible.
- All right.

So what are you doing tonight?

I'm still trying to
sell Emily on this place

so I wanted to take her out.

- Uh, I don't know.
I'm pretty busy.

Doing what?

- Uh, I'm uh...

Filing...
- So not busy at all.

Cool. Your place at 8:00?
- Sure.

- Okay, great. See you then.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We were just pregaming a little.

- Yeah, we live in a college
town. Learn to use the lingo.

Want a drink?
- No, that's okay.

I've been pregaming for
the past seven years.

- Okay, well let's just go then.

- Okay.

- Oh, she loves
this shitty band.

Rob loves this band too.

You ready to dance, little man?

- I think I hurt
my leg, actually.

- Yeah.

- Would you stop being
yourself for a little?

I'm trying to show her
this town doesn't suck.

- Okay, sorry.

- Whatever she
wants to do tonight

let's just go with, all right?

- What do I look like I'm doing.

- Okay, great.

- Want another
round? It's on me.

- That'd be nice.
- Cool.

- I'm really sorry.

- Yep, I got you. It's cool.

- Man, I was killing it tonight!

Ahh!

So, who's a better
dancer, me or Rob?

- I think you both lose.

- This has been a
lot of fun, guys.

Well, good night.

- Good night.

- Ah, got it.

In you go my sweet.

Thanks again. I think
she really had fun.

Let's do it more often.

- Cool.

- You're kneading that dough
like somebody who just realized

they're gonna spend the rest
of their life making pizza.

What's up with you?

- Nothing. Life rocks.

- Oh no. You still
like her, don't you?

- Yes, okay! It's
worse now actually.

Like I was right about her.
We would be perfect together.

- Except for the fact

that she's married to
your best friend, right?

- This blows.

I'm depressed, can't sleep.

- All right, just
stick it out man.

Take it from somebody with
experience. Not worth it.

Paragon publishing.

- Hi, my name is Rob Donling.

I was wondering if you'd
gotten a manuscript

I'd mailed to you.

Was it sent
through a literary agency?

- Um, I don't think so. I
mailed it from my house.

Sir, like
every other publishing house

we do not take
unsolicited material.

You'll need to find an agency
to submit on your behalf.

- Oh, um, okay.

Can you mail it back to me?

Kinko's is really expensive.

I'm sorry,
but the company has a policy

to dispose of all
unsolicited materials.

We probably
threw it in the trash.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.

- You're gonna love this, Em.

We used to go tubing all the
time in the summer. Right man?

- Yep.

- Hey how's everything
going with that girl?

You still seeing her?

- I don't know, things have
been kind of weird lately.

- Sorry. I heard women
with kids could be tough.

Don't worry.

Whatever's meant to happen will.

They don't have this
in Queens, do they?

- I said, they don't
have-- Nevermind.

Hey man, can I tell you
something really quick?

- Yeah, what's up.

- I just, I gotta
get it off my chest.

I don't know if it's
working out with her.

- I know we seem like we're good

but we got married too young.

Do you know the divorce rate

for couples our age is like 80%?

We don't feel like one of
those great couples anymore.

You know, like all of a sudden

we're eating dinner with
nothing to talk about.

- I don't know.

I've just been thinking
about it for a while.

What'd you say?

- I said, "They don't
have this in Queens, huh?"

- Oh no.

- Hey guys, I gotta go to
the bathroom real quick.

So let me do that,
I'll grab the car,

and I'll come get
you guys. Cool?

- Yep.
- Thanks.

- He was right,
this is so pretty.

- Yeah.

- Hey so, um, I know
it's been really awkward

with the whole thing
with you and I,

and I'll be honest, I've
enjoyed hanging out with you

but I get if it's kind of
too hard on you we can--

I can put a stop to it.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Maybe that's for the best.

- Yeah, that's probably
the smart thing to do.

Oh shit.

- This is the worst
thing I have ever heard.

- I'm not trying to
make you feel bad.

No wait, I actually am
trying to make you feel bad.

- I know it doesn't sound
great, but I've thought it over.

I think I'm okay here.

Are you so
bad at having sex

that you make women wanna be
faithful to their husbands?

- Well for one their
marriage is rocky.

Jason said he was seriously
thinking about divorce.

- So I'm just
getting a jump on it

like when you preorder
those Morrissey tickets.

- Okay, I know you
might not understand

what I'm about to say
'cause you're an idiot

but when you friend
is going through

something terrible like
considering divorce,

the normal thing to do
is to try and help them.

It's not some liquidation
sale of their life.

- Well, that's why I'm
checking out other girls too.

I mean maybe he's just looking
for that one little push.

You know, I could
give that gift to him.

- Oh wow, he is so lucky
to have you as a friend.

That's really generous of you.

- Oh, so Kareem can
give a guy an alley-oop,

he gets put in the hall of fame.

Me I try to help out my best
friend and I'm a homewrecker?

That's what you're saying?

- Oh good, I'm glad
that you actually know

there's a term for
what you're doing here.

- I should have known
you wouldn't get it.

- Because of your kid.

You're like happy. I
don't have anything.

I'm almost 30 and all I've done

is just make a
shitload of pizza.

I've never even really been
in love. Did you know that?

- Just give it time,
it will happen.

- When, is it waiting
for me to get balder?

- Maybe you're just
in some kind of

post-college malaise
or something.

- Okay, I've been out of
college for seven years.

I think by now we can safely
call the malaise my life.

Let's not kid ourselves.

But with her, I
don't know, I just...

I feel like with her I can
finally do something great.

- Rob, hardly nobody
ever gets to do

anything great with their lives.

You're just lucky that
all the diseases you have

up until now have
been curable ones.

Are you kidding me?

He's your best friend, dude.

- I can do this
without hurting him.

How?

- The way things are going,
they'll get a divorce,

Emily and I can fly under
the radar for a little while,

like a year or two, and then
when Jason gets remarried

all of a sudden it's like,

"What, Rob and Emily
are together? Whatevs."

- Oh, good. At least you're
being smart about this.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You look nice.

- Thanks.

Nice pigtails.

Come in, come in.
You'll catch a cold.

Where's Jason?

- He's at work. Do you have
any roommates or anything?

- No I really don't.

- Whatever you
gotta tell yourself.

Condom?

- Wow, we're just
diving in, huh?

- No, no. Are you
allergic to latex?

- No. That was very
kind of you to ask.

- I'm being polite.

That was...

That was okay, what
we just did, right?

- This is probably the worst
time you can bring that up.

- I thought about
it 10 minutes ago

but I thought it
would kill the mood.

- That's romantic.

What time is it?

Oh, I probably should go.

- Yeah.

Jason will be back soon.

He probably thinks
that I'm home alone

with a razor blade to
my wrists, as usual.

- Okay, all right.

- Now I can hang
out for a while.

- Oh, step aside
pictures of my nephew.

We have a new champion.

- Babies are weird anyway.

- Yeah, who needs 'em.

- What are these,
like self published?

- Yeah.

- Not really.

Hey, what are
you up to right now?

Want to get lunch?

Why? What the
hell's the matter with you?

- Sorry, uh, yeah.

- I'm near Flackos,
head on over.

- Okay.

- Thanks man. I just had
to get away for a second.

The school has been crazy.
A lot of late nights.

- Oh, that sucks.

- Anyway, I wanted to talk
to you too, about Emily.

- I just, I've been
thinking about it a lot,

and I can't leave her.

- I mean I know things
are hard right now

but maybe we're still
just struggling to adjust

to this new life, you know?

- Uh, maybe.

- Uh-huh.

- I just can't
give up on her yet.

- Okay, um...

- Wait a minute.
I know that look.

- You thought you
could keep it from me.

No, no!

- Yes, now it's obvious
that yes you did get laid.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- You know what
I'm talking about.

I know when you got laid, okay.

Come on, give me some details.

- I'm a gentleman!

- You stop. You listen to me.

My marriage is struggling
and I just spent all day

teaching a bunch of
18-year-old idiots

how to format a
works cited page.

So you're gonna give
me some details.

Come on, help me remember what
it's supposed to feel like.

- Okay, okay, Jesus.

It was fine.

- Yeah, yeah.

- That's great. I can totally
jerk off to that later.

Can you give me some specifics?!

- Come on, we're in public.
What's wrong with you?

- Bet it was that
Samantha girl, right?

- Yeah, yeah, it was Samantha.

- What positions
did you do it in?

- Yeah, I wanna
know every position.

- Uh, regular.

- Missionary, I don't know.

- Yeah I know it.

- That's it.

All you
did was missionary?

What are we 17 and virgins

and don't know what
the hell we're doing?

You did missionary?

What did you, sleep in
separate twin beds afterwards?

- You know what, you're
right, it's boring.

Let's just move on.

- No, we're not moving on.
You haven't told me anything.

Was it good? What does
she look like naked?

- She's a lady, god!

- Would you please tell me
what she looks like naked.

- Amazing, okay.
She looked amazing.

- Nice.

Pubes, no pubes?

- Why is that at
the top of the list?

- Would you just answer.

- Uh, no pubes I guess.

- Emily shaves too.
I'm into pubes though.

- Can we stop saying
pubes, please?

- Okay, sorry.

It seems like you really
like this girl, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, good luck, man. I
hope it works out for you.

- Thanks.

- Two numbers twos.
- Huh, that's us.

- You know what,
let me get this one.

No, put your money away.

- No no no, you've been
getting drinks and everything.

Seriously, like,
this one's on me.

- Okay, wow. Never
thought this would happen.

I'll get the food.

Are you an idiot?

- Yes.
- Yes you are.

- Are you gonna do it now,
knowing what you know?

- Of course not. What
kind of person would I be?

- Um, I have to-- I have
to tell you something.

Oh, okay.

- This is...

This is hard to say.

- I know.

I love you too.

- No!

- I know it's not the
perfect situation,

but we're in love.

- You know what, don't
tell me anything anymore.

I'm too much of an
accomplice already.

- No, this is not a bad thing.
This is a good thing, okay?

I can finally have the
life I've always wanted.

And what
kind of terrible things

does that consist of?

- Well, I just
finished my novel,

I can find a publisher.

I found this amazing
girl who loves me.

It's finally happening.

- I think you're forgetting
one small thing here.

- I know.

- What are you gonna do,

try and ruin their marriage
since you're such a romantic?

Billy!

- No, I can't do that to Jason.

He's already on the losing side.

- That's really sweet.

Did you light this on fire?
- Yes.

- That's not good.

Go, go to your room!

Go faster! Not a toy!

What?

- Look, Jason's not happy.

There's gotta be some
way I can do this

that can help him too.

You should get
him fired. That could help.

- I think I just found one.

- Serena!

- Hey Rob.

Jason is back.

- Yeah.

- Oh, you caught me.
This is embarrassing.

- Well, some total
babe told me once

that her favorite
memories of New York

were watching TV and eating
Chinese food with her husband

so I figured she can do
that anywhere, right?

- Yeah, I'm running late.
I'll be there soon. Okay.

- Oh my god, Serena!

Well it was nice
bumping into you.

I guess I'll see
you around town.

- Yeah, hopefully.
- All right.

- Bye.
- See ya.

Oh, there he is.

- Hey, sorry.

- Serena!

- Oh, that must
have been something.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Did you guys, you know,
still have that spark?

- I think me moving to New
York and marrying another woman

ended things between us.

- Oh.

- She was pretty
aggressive though.

I mean she's clearly
hitting on me.

I'm holding flowers for my
wife. What are you doing?

- Yeah, that's
really weird of her.

Just to be clear though,

you don't still have like
feelings for her or anything?

Like, you know, maybe she
was the one that got away,

or your one true love,
or one of those things?

No, I'm married.

- Just checking.
- Yeah, thanks for checking.

So what are you
doing tomorrow night?

Are you seeing Samantha?

- That's what I usually do.

- Well why don't
we all hang out.

- If you two are
getting serious,

I should get to know
this girl, right?

Otherwise, what kind
of friend would I be?

- No way.
- Please.

You can get whatever
you want. I'll pay.

All you have to do is
pretend to like me.

- I don't care. Get
whatever you want.

- No, I mean how much do I
have to pretend to like you.

- Come on!

Like you'll probably break
up with me in a few weeks.

- That sounds
pretty affectionate.

- Okay, look, I've thought
about it and you're right.

I can't keep doing this.

- Oh, you're gonna
stop seeing her?

No.

I mean I'm gonna figure it
out how to make it work.

- So uh, just to
clarify, by make it work

do you mean try to find
some way to make Jason happy

while you're still openly
having sex with his wife?

- I'm close to cracking
it, I can tell.

- Mm, you look like it.

- I just need a
little more time.

You know, please?

- What are you doing
with your mouth?

- Forming it into a smile.

- Never do that again.
- Okay.

But still...

- I am the only one in this
scenario not getting laid.

- It's gonna-- It won't
be bad. It could be fun.

It won't be fun,
but it won't be bad.

- Billy, hit the wire, come on.

- Finally, I'm excited
to read it, man.

It's about time you
finished this thing.

- Well I guess I
just needed a muse.

- Mhmm.

Okay, well, this guy.

What a great guy, this one.

- Speaking of muse, Samantha,

just to prepare you, this
is gonna be super awkward,

but I gotta say, Rob
is not really known

for overflowing with
joy or anything,

but since I-- or
we have moved here

and he's been seeing you, it
seems like you make him happy,

like happier than I thought
was in his range of motions.

No, I mean, you could pretty
much go from kinda bummed

to suicidal, so the fact
that you're smiling is like,

it's kinda creeping
me out actually.

So I would like to propose
a toast to my best friend

and the girl who's made
him creepily happy.

Doesn't this remind you of
that place in Crown Heights?

- Oh, yeah.

- We went to get
Caribbean food in Brooklyn

and the guy tried to get us to
rent the apartment upstairs.

What did he say, like,

"We will just need to use
your closet for storage,"

and we were like, "Oh
yeah, sign us up."

We had quite a journey
up there, huh

- Yeah.

Well, on that note,
I have to pee.

I have
that effect on women.

- So you two seem like
you're doing great.

- Actually, without
going into it too much,

Rob already knows, we were
having some trouble adjusting

but things have
been better lately.

She seems happier, and I dunno,

maybe we're in a
good place again.

- That's really great.

- Yeah, that's really great.

You're on my hair.

Ow!

- I just want to say,
before I go into anything,

that I liked it.

- Dude, you don't
have to go easy on me.

You can just be
honest, I trust you.

- Okay.

Well if I'm being
perfectly objective

I have to say it's
only pretty good,

and unfortunately no one cares
about pretty good these days.

I mean, there are
already so many people

who are great at
this exact thing.

- Man, you really
didn't go easy on me.

- You told me not to!

- I meant, you know,
like don't gush too hard.

- I'm sorry!

I'm just telling you
what you'd hear from him.

- Well maybe I can
keep working on it.

- Yeah, you could--

- Do you have any,
like, notes or anything?

- Yeah.

- Um, okay.

Well your protagonist
is really unlikeable.

- It's an extension of me!

- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

And, okay...

The beginning is just too long,

and you're really heavy-handed
with your themes too.

- Jesus.

- And that metacommentary
you make on the story,

it just sticks out
like a sore thumb.

Also your characters
speak in cliches.

- Wow.

Well I'm sorry it's not up to
your standards Mr. Hemingway.

- Look, it just seems like
you're trying too hard, okay?

Don't get me wrong,
it's very competent.

- That's not helping!

All I'm saying is you
can't try to be great.

That stuff has to be effortless,

like you're doing
nothing, you know?

- So what, you
won't pass it along,

is that what you're saying?

- It's complicated. He hasn't
been my agent for that long.

- Well thanks for
being honest, I guess.

- Oh, and by the way,

I know you've been
hanging out with Mark.

What
do you think, I'm an idiot?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Oh, very convincing
Jason, bravo.

Hey, somebody give
this guy a Tony.

- Look, he's just
a nice guy, okay.

We watch hockey together.

You don't like hockey.

What do you, fake it with him?

What the
hell are you talking about?

You're acting like I'm
cheating on you or something.

- You're acting like
I'm cheating on you

because I hang out with Mark.

- You know, it's
cool. Nevermind.

I gotta go, so...

- Rob, just hang on a
second, man. The manuscript.

- No no no, you can keep it.

- Hey. Mwah!

Just a sec, I gotta
go take things

out of the dryer really quick.

So uh, that double date
thing wasn't awkward at all.

We should do that every night.

We should go on trips
together, and wife swap maybe.

Did you hear what I said?

- Oh, shut up.

Mwah!

So, it's not weird
to be here, right?

- No, it's great.

- Well you'll be happy to know

that my pubes are
coming in very nicely.

- Oh, I-- You don't
have to do that anymore.

- I don't know what
I was thinking.

- Okay. Well good, actually,
because it's itching

and it's really
driving me crazy.

Well we have just over an hour.

We're gonna stay
on the safe side.

- We should get like
a picture of us,

you know, something nice.

Don't you think?

So we can look
at it. What do you mean?

- Rob, what is
going on with you?

- I think that we should start
talking about our future.

I love you,

and you and Jason aren't happy.

I mean, how much longer are
we gonna keep doing this?

- Babe come on, I don't really--

I don't wanna talk about Jason.

- Well I do. I'm
tired of feeling

like we have to hide
behind closed doors.

- But that's exactly
what we have to do.

- Man.

This affair is starting
to feel pretty cheap.

- Okay, well...

What would make you happy then?

- Well, I can at least
take you out on a date.

- No, we'll build a fort.

Of course in public.

- Rob, I mean, that's kind of--

- Look, if we want
to be a real couple

we have to at least
try to resemble one.

I'm starting to just
feel like a huge skank.

Sorry, I know I'm late.

I totally forgot I was covering.

Have you needed me?

- Actually it's
been pretty dead.

Probably could have
just stayed home.

- I'm home!

- I hope you don't
have plans tonight

because I got us these.

- Babe.
- Mhmm.

- That is so sweet.

- Um, I guess.

- She said yes!

- Hey, uh...

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry about that
thing the other day.

- No, dude, it's cool.
Honestly. I'm sorry too.

- Anyway.

What are you up to tonight?
Wanna play Nintendo?

- Actually, Emily
and I have a date.

- Yeah.

- If you're seeing
him it's okay.

- I'm not seeing him.

We're gonna go have dinner

and go see this talk by
this astronomer she loves.

- I know, it sounds
like an oxymoron.

- I'll hit you up
tomorrow or something.

- Okay, seeya.

- No, it was Rob. Just seeing
what I was up to tonight.

!

- It's just the dog's.

- Do you know you
live in this house,

that you're doing this stuff to?

Hi, this is
Samantha. I'm not here right--

Don't put that in
your mouth! No!

- Hrm.

- Robert.

- Oh, Dr. Babanikos. Hey.

- I saw that Jason is back.

- Oh, yeah.

- His novel is wonderful.

I assigned it to my
students; They love it.

It even helped one
of them quit heroine.

- Yeah, that's great.

- So do you still work
at the pizza place?

- Yeah, um, but I'm actually
working on a book too.

- Oh, well, keep at
it, you never know.

Oh, but don't forget
to check those commas.

- Right. I remember
you saying that.

I think I'm gonna end
things with Emily.

- You're right.

Jason's my best friend,

and it's not like it
could ever go anywhere,

so what's the point.

- I mean, that's good,
man. That's really good.

When do you think
you're gonna do it?

- I'm gonna run over after work.

- Okay.

Well I mean, you're gonna
have more time to write.

- Actually I think I'm gonna
take a break from that too.

- Oh. Okay.

- Hey man.

I think Emily
is cheating on me.

When can
you come by the house?

- Um...

Like an hour, I guess?

I'll be here.

- Jason.

- Oh my god. Did he just...

What did he say?

- He wants me to come over.

- Be careful, man.

- What do you mean,
be careful. Why?

- Because this could get bad!

!

- What-- What don't
you understand?

- I mean this is a tough--

Dude, this is like,
some intense stuff, man.

What
do you mean intense stuff?

Like he'll be mad,
that sort of thing?

He'll just be upset

and that will be the end
of the intense stuff?

- No no no. This is like
some dangerous shit.

Just take care of
yourself, okay?

- Yeah.

- No, oh my god.

- No! Just be careful, dude.

- Finally!

What took you so long? I'm
losing my mind waiting for you.

I found a condom wrapper
and it isn't mine.

She's gotta be having an affair.

- I just want to
find this asshole

and just punch his dick off!

- Hold on, maybe
there's an explanation.

- What explanation
could there be?

- I haven't used a
condom in two years,

and when I did, it sure
as shit wasn't sheepskin.

I bet it was that bald guy.

- Some bald asshole.

I saw them talking in
the back of the party

and she acted all
weird about it.

It's gotta be him.

- Oh my god.

- Yeah.

- Well I guess that
explains the crabs.

- Yeah, I found out a few
days ago I have crabs.

Must have gotten them from
him and given them to me.

Bald son of a bitch.

And here I was
thinking it was great

that she grew out her pubes.

- That is um-- That sucks,
man. That's terrible.

I'm sorry you have
to go through--

Could you excuse me
for just one second?

I have to just go
to the bathroom.

- I want to be an
astronaut and visit Jupiter

because it's the biggest
planet in the solar system.

Thank you.

- Very nice Tracy,

and you were right
about Jupiter. Good job.

- Rob.

- Can I talk to
you for a second?

- Absolutely. Excuse me.

- No.

- Did you want to be a
pizza man when you grew up?

- No.

- Who would want to be a
pizza man when they grow up.

- Shake it off, Rob.

All right everybody, five
minutes of quiet time.

Please put your heads down.
Except for you, Kevin.

- You have something
you want to say to me?

- Yeah. Don't come
visit me at school.

- How about that you're
sleeping with someone else.

- Jason found a
sheepskin condom wrapper.

Sheepskin. I didn't know
they still made those.

- Yeah. So did I.

What did he--

Okay, all right. People
find condoms in the yard.

I found it in the yard.

I'll tell him I found it
in the yard. It's fine.

- I don't care
what you tell him.

I'm not your confidant in
this. This affects me too.

Who is this bald asshole?

What?

No, no, no. It was--

It was the astronomer that
Jason took me to go see.

- Dear god.

Where's he staying?

I want to have a
word with this...

I don't know,
astronomer, I guess.

- He already left for France.

You're not gonna have
a fight with him.

- I don't know. I knew
it was a bad idea.

It just happened once.

I don't know why I did it.

I knew as soon as I was doing it

that I was making a mistake.

- What tipped you
off, pubic lice?

- Wait, is that what
that itching is?

- Yeah. Tell him
thanks for me too.

- Wait, Rob. No no no
no. That's not possible.

I was with him yesterday.

You gave me crabs.

- There's no other
explanation for it.

God, I must have given
them to Jason then.

Why would you ask me to
grow back in my pubic hair

when you have crabs?

- Well, let's not get distracted
from the real issue here.

- That's not as big of
a thing! This is bigger!

Crabs happen.

I can't believe you
would cheat on me.

I thought you
were the mistress.

All right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I've gotta go.

I'm gonna go back in there

and pretend I'm not
a teacher with crabs.

All right guys, heads back up.

Is there not
a male equivalent to that?

- That's not really the point.

- Well then that's the
first time since high school

I've been called mister.

- Well you are the...

- She was right.

Some people just can't
do anything special
with their lives.

The only thing I seem to be
great at doing is nothing,

just wasting my potential
as a human shield.

I thought I could find
it with her, but...

- You'll find it.

You'll find it with somebody

that you don't have to break
a commandment to be with.

- Yeah. I promise.

What are you doing?

- I don't know. I'm upset.

- It's okay.

Do you want a juice?

- Yeah.

- I was talking to
the kid, but okay.

- Hey man. Can I
stay here tonight?

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Uh, come on in.

- I just had to get out
of there, clear my head.

- It's cool.

You didn't try to stay
with anyone else first?

Like who?
- I don't know.

So do you want a drink?

I have a water, or this guy
gave me a keg to finish off.

- That's okay. Thanks though.

You're a good friend.

- Okay, you don't
have to say that.

- No, really. You're
a good friend.

- Okay, just chill out.

So did you talk to her?

- Yeah, we got into a fight.

A big one, and I stormed out.

She swears she didn't do it.

I just don't know what to think.

I mean, I know she's a flirt,
but to think that she...

What do you mean?

- I'm not an idiot.

I see the way she
talks to other men.

It's the same way she
used to talk to me.

You never noticed
that about her?

- I guess I missed it.

- Anyway, thanks for
letting me crash.

It should just be
for a couple days.

- Uh, actually, Samantha's
kid peed on this couch.

Like all on it.

- Okay, so, that's gross.

I guess I'll just
sleep on the...

- Why don't you take my bed
and I'll sleep on the floor.

- No, I'm not gonna kick
you out of your own bed.

- It's the least
I can do. Really.

- No, seriously. We'll
figure something else out.

How about I use your bed?

- I'll try not to
give you a handjob.

Hey man, you awake?
- Yeah.

- I lied about the handjob.
- Awesome.

- Yeah.

- Well, I never told you this,

but one time we were at
a party and we made out.

- Yes. Sorry.

We were really drunk
and it just happened.

I feel terrible about it.

I know you had this
huge crush on her.

I just wanted to get
that off my chest.

I should have told
you a long time ago.

- It's okay. Thanks for
telling me, I guess.

Well, good night.

Hi.

I know you want some
time to think about this.

I just hope that you believe me.

Okay, love you.

It's me again.

It's really scary without
you here. Just really quiet.

Anyway, I hope you're
just having fun with Rob

and that's why you
aren't picking up.

And I hope you
know that I love--

Jason, it's Peter.

I read the chapters you
sent over and they're great.

Loved it. Can't wait to
see where you take it.

Oh, and I looked at the
other writer's book too,

and well, I think
it's a pass for me.

It wasn't bad but it
just didn't wow me,

and that metachapter in the
book really took me out of it.

Calling it out didn't help
either. But thanks for sending.

All right. Excited
for your new one.

You're gonna do great
things man. Talk soon.

- Hey, sorry. I've got class.

- That's okay. I've
gotta wake up too.

When are you working?

- Like 10 minutes.

- Well you look great.

See you at dinner.

Hey girl.
- Hey.

So uh, has Jason asked about me?

- Uh, no, not really. Sorry.

- Um, I'll just-- I'll
have a number one, to go.

- Okay.

Hey, no, it's cool. It's on me.

- My hero.

- Jason isn't
returning my calls.

I need to talk to him.

I can come by Satchels--

- My shift just ended, so...

- Well, I'll just meet you
at your place then, okay?

- I think he's
still teaching, Em.

- I know. I want to see you too.

- This is some heavy shit, man.

This is a crazy rollercoaster.

This is like a
trashy romance novel.

Come on. No it's not.

You're right.

The people on the covers of
those things are really hot.

- You've been a big help.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I thought about
wearing pigtails.

Would that have been funny?

- Yeah that would
have been awesome.

- So I've been thinking, um...

I can make this whole
thing with Jason disappear

and get things back to normal.

- I don't know. He's your
best friend, he's my husband.

And I still love him. Don't you?

- I guess.

- I don't know. I mean our
marriage isn't perfect,

but pretty good, which is all
you can hope for, isn't it?

For the record,
being with you was...

Was really scary.

- Because I love you too.

And anyway, you can
tell me to go to hell

and I totally
wouldn't blame you,

but I have to at least
ask you for your help.

- I need you to
convince him to see me.

You're the only person
that he listens to.

- After reading your papers

I want to share with you all
one of the secrets of writing

that I learned in college.

You'll never be a great writer

unless you start
putting your periods

inside of quotation marks.

- Emily came by. Said she
couldn't get ahold of you.

- Yeah. I threw my
phone in a lake.

- I wish I'd had a pack
of gum or something.

- I think you
should talk to her.

You know, she's your wife.

For what it's worth, I
don't think she did it.

- She doesn't have it in her.

- It's crazy where things go.

I remember the moment
I first saw her.

She was the most beautiful,
charming girl I had ever seen.

She just destroyed me.

It was like she was my ticket

to some higher
plane of existence.

And now this.

If I could just
find out, for sure,

that she cheated on me,

I think I'd be able to
leave her and start over.

I'd probably even
be happier that way,

instead of not
knowing like this.

Anyway, I guess I
should go hear her out.

Thanks man.

Sorry you're caught in
the middle of all of this.

Hi, this is
Emily. Leave a message.

- Hey, it's Rob.

I finally figured out
how to make things right.

It'll be okay.

Just hold off on talking
to Jason, and uh...

Call me back, I guess.

- Billy, come on! Sister
hates it when we're late.

Yikes.

What happened to
your everything?

- Can't talk. Dying.

- You know, for somebody who
rides their bike everywhere

you're in terrible shape.

- Hi-yah!
- Ow!

Ow!
- Hi-yah!

- Ow, get him off me!

- Billy, get in the
car. Get in the car.

Let's go. Seat belt on.

What's up?

- I think so.

- Emily is who I'm
supposed to be with.

If I don't stop this now
I might never be able to.

- What do you mean,

you're gonna tell
Jason about the affair?

- He said he would rather
know than be left wondering.

I mean, I finally figured out
how to do this the right way.

There are no, like, losers here.

- Well--
- Okay.

- No, I mean like,
what about you and him?

There's no way that you guys
can be friends after this.

- He'll get over it eventually.

Okay, well if that's
what I have to sacrifice

to make things the way
they're supposed to be

then I don't have a choice.

I mean, maybe the
purpose of our friendship

was so Emily and I could meet.

It could be one of those
great "how we met" stories.

- That's that worst
"how we met" story ever.

- It's the only one I've got.

- What about the
coffee shop girl?

- I don't know, why not try
something normal for once.

You said she seemed nice.

- Yeah, she seemed
nice. She's not the one.

- What makes you
think that Emily

would even leave Jason anyway?

- From what I saw they
seemed pretty good.

- Except for the
infidelity part.

- Hi-yah!
- Ow!

- Billy! No.

- Why would you give
him karate lessons?

You're just enabling him.

- Give mommy a kiss.

Oh, sweetie.

He only fights the bad guys.

- Thanks.

- I'd say good luck,

but I'm not really sure
what I'd be endorsing.

* Slip off my shoes

* They're soaking wet

* Just like my
coat and my vest *

* My bicycles
covered in icicles *

* I made my way back to
your house away from your *

Why are you so sweaty?

- I'm in terrible shape.

- Oh. Well, obviously.

- Oh, good. We talked it over.

It was just a misunderstanding.

So what's up?

- I have to tell you something.

- Oh, okay. Come on in.

What is it?

- Um...

I uh...

You're being weird.

- I uh...

I was lying about
Samantha not having pubes.

She did have pubes.

I just didn't want to rub it in.

!

Is that really why you
ran all the way over here?

- Yeah.

- Okay. I don't think we
needed to air that out now,

but thanks for
telling me, I guess.

- It was eating me up inside.

- All right.

Let's just shake that off.

I'm glad you're here
actually. Hang on.

Let me get something
to toast with.

Not the pube thing.

Just hang on.

I feel like such a dork
for making all these toasts

but there's just something

I've really been
wanting to tell you.

Uh, god, this is dumb.

Um, okay.

So we've been best friends
for what, 10 years?

And I really think there's a
reason we're back together.

You know, you've just been
such a huge part of our lives

since we moved here.

And obviously we've been
having some problems,

as all marriages do.

But I think we can say safely

that those days are behind us.

And a big reason
for that is you.

You really helped us through
a rough spot, and um...

I love you.

We both do.

So, to you, for everything
you've done for us,

and to a fresh start.

Ah, come on. Bring it in.

Let's get weird for
a second. Come on.

Mhm. Mhm. Mmm.

There's a lot of love in
the room. Can you feel it?

I know I can.

* I came here alone

* And I plan to leave that way

* But I find comfort in

* All of the things you say

* My heart unthawed

* And my brain unstalled

* Took time to comprehend

* Oh I made, I made
it, I made it *

- Somebody bought one. I
shouldn't be this excited.

- That's great, sweetie.

Let's go.

Somebody took one of
those in the bathroom

so we threw it out.

- You son of a bitch.

- Uh, one.

That's not nothing.

- Eh, she'll tire out soon.

She's been crying nonstop.

- I wonder where
she got that from.

Hey Rob, you're always
sobbing uncontrollably.

Maybe you're the father.

Yeah, maybe.

* And we're bone
prone to misery *

* But you still get drunk

* And wanna hang out with me

* And I'm at my best

* When I'm sleeping alone

* It's funny how time stops

* And starts on its own

* I came here alone

* And I plan to leave that way

* But I still find comfort in

* All the things you
say, when you say them *

* Wanna hear you say

* That you came here alone

* And you wanna leave that way

* That you came here alone

* And you wanna
change your ways *

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* Way-ay-ay-ay-ays