All language subtitles for Jul

Okay, let's get started.

No! No!... No!!!

Your mother is delish.

Might as well do the smallest one first.

CHRISTMAS CRUELTY!

Can I take your picture? So I may
show Santa what I want for Christmas.

I think you should put something else on your list.

- Perhaps something a bit more realistic.
- It's not exactly unrealistic!

So if a big fat man comes through your bedroom window,

and puts you in a bag, don't be alarmed.

It's just Santa picking up my present.

You're so incredibly sweet!

I get cavities just from looking at you.

Nobody wants a toothache.

So I suggest you go look at something else.

No need to play hard to get.

I know you want me.

Why don't you come home with me?
And I'll suck on your ears.

Hey! Get the fuck out of here.
And go find something else to suck on.

Stay out of this, Magne!
This is between me and...

Miss Lovely. Fuck off!

She's obviously not interested.
Stop pestering her.

And if I don't?

Here's to chimpanzees and girls in white cotton panties.

Christmas workshop...

really sucks.

I'm serious!

Your head must be completely messed up,

since you can enjoy this shit.
It's not fucking normal!

- Per-Ingvar is enjoying it too.
- You can't use him as an example of what's normal.

- He's brain-damaged.
- No, he's not.

Yes.

Tell Eline how it happened.

- It indicates you weren't that bright to begin with either.
- I got my head crunched in a car door.

You make it sound like
you picked a fight with Vinnie Jones!

Tell her how you got
your stupid head caught in the car door.

I had a handicap car with an electric door. I had pushed
the button to close it, then I dropped something.

And as I bent down to pick it up,
and the door came and squeezed my head.

- That door was this slow.
- Yeah, it was really slow.

And noisy as hell.
How could you not see it coming?

- Were you all right?
- I got a swelling in my brain.

What did the doctor tell you to do? Take it easy for
a couple of weeks, and stay away from TV screens.

- And what did you do?
- I went home and continued working.

- On a computer.
- Yes.

And after you turned off your computer at night?

- I watched a movie.
- One movie?

- Maybe two or three.
- Or four or five.

Sometimes.

So you sat there, in front of one
screen or another, the entire time.

From you woke up until you fell asleep.
Contrary to your doctor's orders.

- Doctors say the weirdest things.
- But in this case he was right.

- Yes, I suppose.
- Now you're not only a cripple, you're a retard too.

So I can understand why Per-Ingvar likes this.

He's a retarded, fat, small Asbjørn Brekke on wheels.

You, on the other hand, seem quite intelligent.

I can't fathom why you take joy in this fucking shit!

Each to his own.
I guess tomorrow is more your style.

- What's tomorrow?
- Krampus day.

- What the fuck is that?
- A day in honour of Krampus.

A creature travelling with Santa
Claus who dealt with the naughty kids.

December 5th is Krampus day.

People wear scary masks and try
to scare the living shit out of others.

We've got to do that!

Stop with this fucking nonsense.
Lets make Krampus masks instead!

All right.

Die, you fucking hedgehog gnome!

- Do you know what you're doing?
- Take it easy. They do this in kindergarten.

You should make the masks really scary.

Krampus was an ugly bastard with horns and sharp teeth.

Whom the German word "Krampen"
which means "claw". And he had...

Magne, you seem to be getting hard.
Are you ready for it to come off?

- Mphmff.
- I know what you are saying.

- Strange how hard it was to get this off.
- Did you use enough Vaseline?

Oh no.

Fucking dirty Laplander!

We just have to tear it off. Ready?

One, two, three!

- What was that?
- My beard! Fuck, that hurts.

I'm really sorry about that.
But one more pull and it's over.

- I hate you.
- Alright. One, two, three.

- Your eyebrows?
- Yes.

With beard and eyebrows gone, I'm sure the worst is over.

- Ready?
- No.

Great. One, two, three!

- What is it that?
- My eyelashes.

Fuck! Now I got a piece of plaster in my eye too.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, this is nothing.

Nothing? You have tortured me...

disfigured me and made me blind on one eye...
and permanently mummified my head!

- Get this fucking shit off of me now!
- Okay. One...

No fucking counting!

- Have I lost all my fucking facial hair?
- No, there's still some left...

and the rest of it is right here in your mask.

- Remember to use plenty of Vaseline.
- No fucking way.

I just want to say...

Are you comfortable?

I can assure you it gets a lot fucking worse.

So, elinepedia.org,
do you have more Krampus facts,

while we wait for this fucking assclown to dry?

A lot of things have been forgotten
because they were considered bad,

or not politically correct anymore.
Which is quite ironic.

Because most of these creatures were made
in order to be more politically correct.

Krampus and several of Santa's evil helpers came about;

Because it was inappropriate
for St Nicholas to be so brutal,

when punishing naughty kids.

As a Bishop they wanted to portray
him as a gentle and kind man.

Don't you think
Per-Ingvar has dried by now?

Oh, right. I almost forgot.

One, two, three.

Four.

Five, six, seven.

Eight!

- Krampus must be the coolest Christmas icon ever!
- My favorite is actually the barn gnome.

The barn gnome?
He's got nothing on Krampus!

Then you probably don't know about the real barn gnome.
He's not one to be messed with.

He was small, but wicked strong.
And his bite was venomous.

If you didn't get otherworldly medicine, you would die.

He had four fingers, pointy ears, hair all over his body.

- And eyes that glowed in the dark.
- That's not the way he looks on my Christmas cards.

Those are his descendants, and they were much cuter.

The barn gnome was easily offended,
and he could cause a lot of havoc.

As you know, he loved porridge.

At Christmas people gave him porridge.

But once a maid ate the porridge herself.

The gnome got so angry
that he knocked the stuffing out of her.

- The farmer found her the next day.
- Finished!

In a pool of blood.

Wow! That's...

Once the barn gnome actually killed an innocent cow.

Oops! What the fuck did you think
would happen, you fucking cuntface?

On my other chair the tyres are made of solid rubber.

- So why didn't you use that one?
- I took this one as part of my disguise.

You don't think people will realise it's you?

There are loads of retarded cripples
looking like a bean bag with hands, right?

It could have been Sverre Johan.

You're so fucking stupid you could have
been a shortbus all by yourself.

Knock It off. Let's scare the crap out of somebody.
She might be a good candidate.

- Hello!
- There you are.

Whenever you call, I come running.

- My kids made some gingerbread men for you.
- Thanks a bunch!

I called you here today because I've got good news for you.

I had a visit from a friend
who runs an advertising company.

- Do you know where my dad is?
- He's probably over at MaRitz.

Today is ball day. Very popular.
And Torgeir is completely...

- Where was I?
- Your friend in advertising.

Right, right.
He wants to offer you a job.

- Oh my God!
- And you'll make lots of money. Surely more than me.

Oh my God!
I mean... Oh my God!

I'll call it a night.
Will you lock up?

When they came to Iceland, a guy was waiting with a sign.

It read "Tussa Kraft".

But you see...

They didn't think much about it.

They got on the bus and went to
the hotel where they wanted to have a beer.

When they got into the pub,

one of the bar maids rushed out... Phhssj!

The other one just giggled. You know.

She served the beers and gave them what they wanted.

Then it was time to get something to eat.
They had a reserved table.

When they got to the table, there was a sign there.

"Reserved for the company
whose name we cannot write."

They had to ask what was going on.

"Tussa" means...

"pussy"...

And "kraft" means "juice".

Imagine how awkward!

All right.
Have a good night.

Good night...

He takes out a beige bathroom molding, about this long.

"One ticket then".
We didn't know how to react.

Good evening!
Can I help you?

- Maybe.
- What's he saying?

- He's wondering what he can help us with.
- Ah, okay! I want a Christmas tree.

Christmas tree. I have spruce.

I also have silver fir.

And I even have a pine tree.

- He's wondering what type of three we want?
- A nice one, maybe.

This is the best Christmas tree in the world.

675 kroner.

Holy shit.
Don't you have anything cheaper?

Yes, this one. 225 kronor.

A Christmas tree is a Christmas tree.

No, it is not.
There are differences between them.

I know.
I've got all the wood in here.

- What's he saying?
- That he's a blockhead, so I should pick the tree.

- We'll take that one.
- How much is it?

225 kroner.

Yeah, that's a fair price.

Would you like to try some real Dutch cheese?

- Did you like the cheese?
- Peculiar taste.

Ass crack mush and sour gym socks.

Let's get rambling.

Thanks for your business!
Merry Christmas to you.

Let's hope this oversized wonderbaum
covers our Dutch dick cheese breath.

Ew... This weak cunt brew tastes
like seagull cum.

- I put in the entire bottle of wine.
- You only got one bottle of wine, you cripple burrito?

Mongo!

We'll have to spice it up.
We can't serve this piss.

- Whisky?
- McCleary can be used for anything.

Still too fucking weak.
We'll put in all the liquor you have.

- Is that a good idea?
- Oh yes.

I was thinking of saving that for New Year's.

Leave the thinking to those of us who are not...

Retarded.

- Got any more alcohol?
- Nope.

- Then this brew is finished.
- We'll just add raisins and almonds.

Fuck the raisins! It's fucking Christmas!

Holy farting pussy!
Aren't you finished yet?

There. It's meaningless
spending hours decorating a fucking faggot tree.

I was going to make it look nice.

You're hopeless.

- Christmas Ho? Must be you.
- Thanks for that.

- Cheers, people nuggets!
- Cheers!

Motherfucker!
Now, that's what I call a good fucking brew!

- What the hell is this?
- Mulled wine.

- You can't call that acid for mulled wine.
- It's über mulled wine.

- I quite liked it.
- You were about to vomit.

That doesn't mean I didn't like it.

- Why don't you play us a song, Magne?
- How about the one you wrote for Veronica?

- Did she like it?
- I got to fuck her eventually, so I guess so.

- You've got no respect for women.
- Why the fuck should I?

Every single cunt I've been with
has been a complete fucking airhead.

Naturally.
But you can't judge all women,

- on those nitwits you've fucked.
- Sure I fucking can!

- You're all the same.
- Get a grip. Do you agree with this, Per-Ingvar?

- Yes.
- Who do you agree with?

- Ehhh... You?
- Wow, you made Per-Ingvar agree with you.

That's quite an accomplishment! It would take Hitler
two seconds to convince that retarded jellyfish,

that wiping out cripples is a fabulous idea.

- Fuck you!
- Don't get upset.

No matter what we say,
you women turn it into something negative.

Like one of my sloppy she-meat exes that
constantly complained that she was bored.

I made her some fucking great suggestions.
To clean the house or cook.

Is that what you think we should do?

Absolutely, that's what you're supposed to do.
But women are good for nothing.

Men are best at everything.
Even cooking, which is your area.

- Probably knitting too!
- So we can't be used for anything?

- Sure, there is one thing.
- And that's all you appreciate about women?

Other than that there's just PMS, whining, freeloading...

Without that guitar
you wouldn't be able to get girls at all.

Enough of this. Let's party!

Magne, you're a pirate!

That would explain everything...

Close that goddamn fucking door!
It's cunt freezing cold outside!

Bloody... fucking... tumbleweed mook...

What... the... fuck!

Jeezeez.

Holy shit!
What the fuck did we drink last night?

Home made napalm.

It shouldn't be possible
to be as fucking hung over as I am now.

- Even Emilio is hung over.
- Shouldn't there be a girl here too?

- Yes, Eline. Where is she?
- How the fuck would I know?

Let's look for her.

Holy fucking shit.

She won't be in a closet, you little maggot stick.

- I have looked for her there.
- I need to Pu...

Fucking rectum gerbil.
By the way, I've found her.

She was in a closet.

Oh my god, I feel so trashed.

I think I've got to go home,

and swallow a few boxes of painkillers.

And go to bed.

I would take you home, but...

I don't think I'll be sober enough to drive.

Until Wednesday.

I can drive you.

With that?

Yep.

But... That's going to take forever.

We can go full bunny.

Then it's very...

Quite fast.

"This stable is the answer to my prayer.
This is where my son will be born."

"He shall not feel the cold bite."

"Because his heavenly father
will shine his light."

- Do you know the nativity play?
- Sure.

Christmas is really a Viking tradition.

It was a 13 day long celebration
with mead and sacrificing animals.

So if you want to celebrate Christmas
you should do it the Viking way.

Says you, who didn't even let me go to Emma's party!

We were only going to watch Twilight and drink soda.

- Thanks!
- Should I help you?

- Can I pass you something?
- How about some blood red sauce?

Are you thinking about Christmas?

A lot of secrets.

But that's Christmas.

- Perhaps you've got some secrets too?
- That may be. How about you?

- Yeah.
- Go and put your pyjamas on.

- It's getting late.
- Can't I stay up a little longer?

- It's getting late, you see.
- Sure, you can stay up a little longer.

But go to your room.
You can stay up for a while there.

- I'll be up in a while.
- Good night, baby.

- Good night.
- Love you.

I'll come up and tell you a story.

Do you want a story too?

"He chopped their heads off,
and many men fell to the ground."

"Ha chopped both men and horses,
and had blood up to his shoulders."

"Sigurd charged at the king
and split his helmet and head."

"And his armoured abdomen."

"Then he chopped
his brother, Jordvard, in two pieces."

"Take good care of dead men,
be they diseased or lost at sea,

or murdered with a weapon."

"Take good care of their bodies."

- So it won't be a late night?
- Not for me, no.

- I think I'll turn in now.
- Really?

- Yes. Are you coming?
- I have to take care of something first.

I can't stop thinking about a poor
girl and a guy in a wheelchair.

They are going to have a horrible Christmas.

I have to contribute in my own way,

so they don't have to worry about the new year at least.

- You're so sweet.
- I'm not that sweet.

He's not exactly the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Christine speaks about her struggle,

with anorexia and eating disorders.

Then this fucking birdbrain says:

"Luckily there is
no disorder when I eat!"

Tell us about the...

Did you know that over 47000 people
under 18 have eating disorders?

- With bulimia only 6 %...
- Who was that?

- The Boyband Shrimp.
- Why the hell did you let him in?

- He wanted to come in.
- The Boyband Shrimp, for fucks sake!

That's why you have that fucking opener, so you don't
have to let every piece of shit in your apartment.

You don't need a lock.
Just a fucking curtain!

Hello, babe!
Did you miss me?

Not really.

You're an intolerable, annoying, no good shithorse.

Yeah right!

Do you know what
that cocksucker and his cheese dick friends

- did to Per-Ingvar at school?
- No.

- They used to break his bones.
- Come on, everybody bullied him!

But only you put him in the hospital... on purpose.

Do you remember when we buried him and his wheelchair

- in the snow behind the bike shed?
- Of course. I had to dig him out, like always.

It was hilarious! The wheelchair
didn't surface until the snow melted.

I'm a real bad boy.
I'm sure that's something you like.

- You know what, I think you're a...
- Cocksucker.

- Yeah, a cocksucker.
- I couldn't have said it better.

This calls for a celebration!

- Open this. I'll get the glasses.
- Don't I get to save this for New Year's either?
- Fuck no!

- What the hell did you do?
- It wasn't on purpose.

You should have aimed
at the fucking Boyband Shrimp instead.

You broke his fucking nose, you monkey loaf!

Now I have to get him to the ER.

Jerk!

That was way cool!

My God, what an idiot you are.
There's something seriously...

Ho-ho-ho!
Who's been good this year?

- I have been good!
- Let's see if we can find you a hard present?

Damn it! Just when we
were having such a good time!

Are you partying tonight!
Don't you have work tomorrow?

- It's not much of a party.
- It will pick up now that we are here.

Ho-ho-ho!

A kiss?

I want to ride the fire truck.

I can't take anymore.

This is too much!

That ugly, fat, disgusting,

bum crack sweaty, pussy discharge eating,

cross-eyed wheelchair abuser!
That wank cloth freak!

That mongoloid, retarded, bukkake gnome!

That abortion ape!

That failed medical experiment!

That bloody fucking pathetic loser!

That... arrgh...

Snickerdoodle!

Are you angry. Magne?

- Man, that fucking cripple is going to suffer.
- Yes...

- Enough of this.
- Sure...

I'm taking a shower.

Do you want a sandwich?

Don't worry, I'm not gonna force you.

You got brittle bone disease, right?
I have to try something.

Does Jan Thomas live here?

There are no fucking tools
in this fucking faggot apartment!

This won't be any good for either of us!

Yes! Finally!

Give me the code, or I'll skin the remaining girl alive!

- Fshmmfsh.
- Speak up!

Four, seven, four, seven.

4747?
Yes.

- Hi there!
- Merry Christmas!

How can I help you?

I need something for a guy in a wheelchair.

Do you have anything spacial in mind?

Well, I was thinking maybe...

- a chainsaw.
- Right. Come with me.

Here are the two models we stock.

We've got this piece of crap.
A hobby model if you want to trim bushes.

And if you actually get it to start, you're really lucky.

But this one...
This is the bestseller.

Hooper 7400.
A spectacular saw.

This was our bestseller this autumn.

You can fell and delimb with it.
This is a great all-rounder.

- Is it ready for use?
- All you need is petrol.

It's a two-stroke-engine,
so you need petrol with oil.

- I'll take it!
- It's 4999.

Does he have the necessary protective gear?
Protective pants and boots?

- He don't use his legs anyway.
- I understand, but I have to ask.

Chainsaw and petrol.

4999 for the saw and 169 for the petrol.

But since it's Christmas, let's say 5000.

- Card?
- Yes.

Pin code and enter.

Receipt?

No.

- Anything else?
- No.

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas yourself.

What do you give me?

Hi, princess! Yes...

Daddy's coming home soon.
I just have to finish this guy off.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

BIOVISJON AS
Henrik W. Johnson