Original subtitles

Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET

- Yes? - Yep.

Action.

Okay, well through here we have Camelot...

As you can see it may not be Buckingham Palace,

but you'll certainly find lots of Kings inside.

If you'd like to come through here you can see our...

fantastic entrance hall and

in here, yes indeed, is the Queen of Camelot.

It is our very own sandwich cutter royal.

- Where did you get that from, darling? - Dad bought it for me.

Uh, just to replace the other one, we did talk about it.

Yes, you, no! You went for a camera.

- A camera! - It is a camera.

Honestly! Give me your wallet.

Give it over.

You know what, if you went out for a pint of milk you'd come back with a cow.

What are you doing?

- Just in case. Yes. - No!

- Until we make sure. - We are sure.

I'm sorry, love,

I don't think she was that bothered.

- She ran away screaming. - Where did Wurzel get this from?

Uh, none of your business.

Video camera, to replace the other one.

- So me and your mum have memories to... - Move your ugly face out of my screen.

- look back on when we're old and senile. - You'll crack it.

Do you fancy jumping on my computer so I can get an upgrade as well?

Uh, I'll just remind you that if you hadn't been acting the goat,

I'd never have stood on the camera in the first place.

- Yeah, my fault as usual - Just get out of my way.

I thought you were going to move these brochures?

Mum!

Judith, don't be selfish, let him have a turn.

Get stuffed!

Urgh, look at the pair on that!

- Oi! - Hey, hey, hey!

Bom-didi-bom-bom! Bom-didi-bom-bom!

- Dad! - Hey, what are you doing?!

This is my room.

Oh, these are my photos.

I do most of them at the park, that's one of my favourites.

That's my throne, as dad likes to call it.

A shell.

Ha, Mr Miller, scrubbing his animals.

The birds shit on them.

That's Darren, don't know why I've still got him.

And that's...

You.

Camera...

Meet Claire.

Judith?

Come on, Angel!

Come on, Angel...

Pull the boa constrictor.

Makes you look like a model.

8 hours in make-up.

Yep, and what am I supposed to be filming?

- Just point it out of that window, there. - That one there.

To film...

- That. - That?

007 looks a bit lost!

So...

How do you two feel about living in a house like this then?

If your dad gets his promotion.

Really?

Yeah, wicked.

Angel?

But, what's wrong with where we live now?

What's wrong with it?

Wayne...

What about that for a view, eh?

We'll get these swimming lessons finally sorted for you, aren't we, eh?

There's no point in having the North Sea in your back garden...

if you're afraid of water, is there?

Our mermaid, eh? In her element.

Dad...

Do we have to move?

I thought you'd be happy, Angel.

Yeah, but...

But?

Come on, your troubles are my troubles remember?

Double-O dad, trouble shooter.

It's just...

Nothing.

Honestly, Angel, you're going to love it.

Don't drown, any of you.

- Give it here. - Err, no.

Err, yeah.

Err, no!

Get off me!

Fuck off!

Watch out for the sha-

This is fantastic, isn't it?

This isn't going to be another Croatian timeshare, is it?

Oh, like you mean the one with no roof so we can...

- See the stars! - See the stars!

Oh, I don't know, darling.

It would be brilliant, wouldn't it, if he got this promotion but,

you know your dad and his dreams.

What are you two laughing at?

Oh, you're looking at him, I know.

Alright, where's this picnic then?

It's coming,

it's coming, it's coming!

I just want to get one more shot of the house.

Anyway, you can't talk about wasting tape.

It wasn't me alright, he left it on.

Me? She won't let me touch it.

- Alright, alright. - It's easy, Prudith,

- it's the button on the back. - Anyway, I've re-wound it back to...

- the beginning of the picnic. - Like you'd know.

Morning.

We went to see a new house yesterday.

We're thinking of moving.

I can't believe it.

As soon as you move in they're...

- Hey, Jude. - Oh, hi, Ray.

What are you filming?

Oh, I thought I saw a squirrel.

Really? Huh.

Anyway, make sure you get my best side.

That's Ray, dad's mate from work.

Are you just about done, guys, because you need to give me a lift to work.

Sorry, love, I completely lost track of the time.

- Had enough of bed pans, eh? - Oh, you know, another day another incontinence bag.

That's an image I'll take with me.

Right, you need to be over here, okay, if you stand next to the table for us.

Look, Joe, you can film it.

- Oh, why? - Because I don't feel like it.

- She's a waste of tape. - Oh, what's the matter with you?

- Smile, Moodith. - Come on, leave her alone.

Um, stand next to the table.

He's coming.

Hello?

Surprise!

Wow, look at that!

Well?

Ah well, you know...

Oh, fuck. Not again.

Oh, you're talking about the promotion?

Oh well, uh, I got that.

- Really? - Promised, didn't I?

Oh, you...

Yes!

Oh, you little smasher!

Piss off!

Fantastic! That's so good.

So we're, we're really moving then?

Too right we are, we're going to put that offer in first thing in the morning.

Oh, wow!

Try not to look too happy about it, Judith.

I am happy alright, I'm happy.

Well done, dad.

Catch it, catch it, catch it.

Oh, steady on, Joe.

Some for you...

Some for you...

Oh, this is just so brilliant.

I think we should have a toast.

No more bed pans.

To parties on the beach!

And to the new...

- Area manager. - Area manager.

To infinity...

- And beyond! - And beyond!

Can't you give me a better clue?

What am I looking for?

It's not a video is it!

- Well I don't know, might be! - Well it's not.

She's had that camera, she could have been videoing all my best comedy moments.

You're not warm enough here. You're warm, but you're not hot. You need to get hotter.

- Warm but not hot... - Little bit hotter.

There's a little interloper, isn't there? In the vicinity.

Moving in...

Who has been...

sneaking things into my comedy collection?

Oh well...

Yeah, a pair of second hand glasses for your blind old dad.

- We didn't have that much money. - They're not just any old glasses.

I know whose they are, love.

Where did you find them?

On the internet.

Yeah look...

Look at the certificate.

Eric Morecambe.

Comedy greats.

Little Ern, little Ern... What do you think of the show so far?

- Rubbish! - Rubbish!

That was good, dad.

It's all...

It's all perfect.

Sorry...

Darling...

You soft sausage.

I'm sorry.

Get on with it.

I've put a little list on the pin board, alright? Of things you'll be able to do today.

Do something about the hole in the garden.

And you are going to ring the mortgage people.

And I am going to ring the schools when I get back from work.

And then we should be...

Here's dad, doing his trick,

- for the millionth time. - Mortgage?

You're listening to me, aren't you?

Yes, my sweetheart, every word.

No I was, you said do the pond and... your list.

You see, you don't pay any attention, do you?

- What? - Pond? It's been like that for a year, Andy!

It's not been a year at all, it's been 9 months if that.

- We've had a lot of rain. - Pond.

You can't disturb the topsoil when it's raining, everybody knows that.

Oh I remember, the Great Yorkshire Monsoon kept everybody inside for months.

Never mind,

it'll be gone tomorrow - Alakazam!

Good. Now, stop faffing about please...

- Hey! - and let's get inside and get on.

- Tommy Cooper doesn't have these problems. - And you, put your eyes back in.

The birds will have them.

Stop ogling the bouncing neighbour.

I'm not.

Honestly, love, girls prefer it if you're not quite so obvious.

- Don't we, Judith? - It's gross.

Nice spot, Judith.

Hello?

Hello?

- Hey, you alright? - You alright?

You know, if you wanted to come round you could have just asked.

I'm just getting my ball.

- Getting good. - Thanks.

I'll get you that CD you wanted - DJ Joe's Ibiza Mix.

It's fine honestly, I've got to go anyway.

I've got loads so you can have it any time you want, know what I mean?

I'll get it later, I've got to go.

Well.

Give us a call, text me.

What are you doing?

Just a joke.

Her sense of humour is a cracker.

She's agoraphobic, we're saving up for a rabbit hutch.

- Really gotta go. - Alright then.

- See ya. - See ya.

Try better next time, Judith, someone might laugh.

Fuck off, geek.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, hi!

Hiya!

Oh, hi!

Let's see how stupid this looks.

Well don't just dive in!

Is that tea or coffee?

I spy with my little eye...

Joe smoking in the garden.

Dad would kill him if he knew.

Hey, maybe I can blackmail him.

That'll teach him to embarrass me in front of you.

Welcome to night vision, Joe.

Dad?

Go, go, go. Right, you filming? Are you filming?

- Yeah, yeah I am. - Right, okay.

But you know she's never gonna go for this.

No she will, believe me, just believe me.

Right.

Okay, so, here we are at the Kings',

and we've got a bit of a surprise for Miss Sheila King.

Because what we know that you know that she doesn't know, is...

we've got one hell of a surprise for her this afternoon. So follow me!

Excuse me, love, what's going on?

Special delivery, Missus.

What sort of delivery?

- Special delivery. - Dead convincing.

No, I'm sorry, love, I think you must have come to the wrong house.

- No, we've err - - Mrs Sheila King, yes,

your husband has arranged a surprise for you this afternoon!

Thank you very much, Stu!

It's you, isn't it? The man off the telly!

- Well... - Oh gosh, am I on the telly now?

- There we go - look and smile. - My husband's going to be so upset.

Well, I've got a surprise for you because in fact,

I am your husband!

What a shock!

Right, come this way. No, straight through.

- What's that noise in our garden? - You'll find out soon enough, come on.

Through we go.

Excuse me, gentlemen, coming through, coming through, this way.

- Oh, what's going on? - Quickly, Judith, because I want...

- you to get your mum's face as she... - Okay, yeah.

- What's going on? - Right, into the back.

Yes. Judith, come on.

- I am! - Right.

- Oh my God! - Dad!

- Oh my God! - Here we go!

What are you doing?

You're supposed to be filling it in!

- What are you doing? - Sweetheart, I...

Get out of there! Get out of there now, you stupid idiot.

- Get off! - Sweetheart, I had a complete brainwave.

I don't know what you think you're doing, but I don't want any of this stuff in here.

- Just take it out. - Judith, come over here.

- A complete brainwave this morning. - Take it out.

- I went to get the topsoil... - Look at my garden!

to fill in the pond.

- And while I was there I had a genius idea. - Look at this!

Instead of filling it in, let's make it bigger.

It'll add 20 grand on the value of the house because we will have...

A pool!

Have you completely lost it? We are selling the house.

Exactly, and this way we can whack the price up!

- Dad, I told you this would happen. - It'll only take us a fortnight.

I've got buyers coming.

What are we going to do?

What are we going to say when they see all this lot?

- Well it's fine, it's fine. - Dad!

They'll be able to use their imagination.

- Will you get out of there! - And we'll be able to show them...

the brochure, can't we?

- Look. Just - - Dad,

I told you this would happen, can I...

I can't believe you've done all this and you didn't even ask me.

Your daughter's terrified of water!

- She's fine with it, aren't you, Angel? - I'm not bothered.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that we'll get to move.

- Can you stop bringing stuff in! - Come over here.

Get your mum's face.

We'll get to move quicker. That's the whole point.

You know...

Alright then, okay, it's old Eden stock, we can send it back...

- Yes. - if that's what you want.

- Yes, do that, just get it all taken back. - I just wish you'd be practical.

Me?

I want you to hold it still for a minute while I just...

Do you know where you're going?

Get off.

- That's it, there. - Angel, sorry, Joe!

Just put it on the ground.

The measure, thank you.

DJ Joe on the microphone!

And here we go! All the way round!

- All the way round! - You've missed it!

Oh, we've missed one! We've missed two!

Hiya, Ray!

- Look who it is! - Come in, sweetheart.

Sorry to intrude, but I...

Well, I heard you from the outside and I've been trying to call you.

Yeah, my mobile's been on the blink and then the...

portable decided to commit suicide when you phoned this afternoon.

- But, let's go in and we'll have... - Look at you,

- a bit of a chat, shall we? - are they new threads?

Well, yeah they are.

You haven't been hiking up your commissions, have you? Cos...

- Andy'll have something to say to you. - Yeah, he's Mr Successful now.

Hang on a minute, give him a chance to have a drink, you'll have a G and T, won't you?

Yeah, we can have one in the kitchen. Come through.

You wait there, I'll get you a glass.

Alright.

Hello again!

Nice to see you.

So, err, what's going on here?

Are you starting a mine or something?

Just a bit of DIY, you know, home improvements.

As in a swimming pool, can you believe it?

- Really? - Yeah.

Old EGS stock, you know.

Oh, that's one way to make a sale.

Swimming pool, eh, Sheil?

- Yes. - Dream come true for you.

Well actually, it's just genius here hoiking up the house price.

Hey, listen, what are you doing two weeks from now?

Can I get you a drink, Claire?

Because we are going to have a barbecue to celebrate.

- Do you want something to drink, Claire? - Barbecue?

Well I don't know about two weeks. Two weeks or so, perhaps.

Oh come on, it'll be a couple of days after my birthday.

Anyway, it'll be the last chance we get to have a do before we move.

Jesus, yeah, completely forgot to tell you about the fact that we're moving.

Yeah, yeah, happened very suddenly, but...

we're off to the coast hopefully, uh I think.

A lovely little beach house.

- Yeah. - What brought that on?

Candid camera! Behind you, you see! Give it a wave!

She's a devil with that thing... everywhere you go.

Have you won the lottery or something?

No, so, cheers! And down in one. 1-2-3, let's see if we can do it, shall we?

- Cheers. - To the new area manager!

That's great, you'll be ready for another.

In you come, and...

let's have a chat about...

What was that about?

I've got no idea. Do you know, it's like being a cat on a...

Try now, turn the ignition on.

Looks like dad's broken another piece of equipment.

He's trying to pretend he can fix it.

This may take some time.

Alright, that's enough, that's enough.

- That's your mum. - Try it again.

- Hanging out your washing. - As far as it'll go.

Your basketball kit.

Not enough!

- Fuck! Bloody stupid. - Knackered.

Stupid bloody thing.

Hiya.

Where is he?

- Are you a little bit wet? - Just a bit.

Hi, Claire.

Claire?

Of course I left a message.

- You left a message? - Confirming the offer.

- With our secretary? - Yeah.

No, no... on your, on your answerphone.

- You left a message on their answerphone? - Yeah, that's what answerphones are for!

Well I didn't know nobody was going to check it, did I?

I can assure you, Mr King, I haven't had any message.

Look, it's fine, it's not the end of the world, we'll just start again.

- Alright, we'd like to confirm our offer. - It's not as simple as that.

- Dad's fucked up again. - Shut up.

We've had another offer from another family.

- Are you filming? - A higher offer than yours.

- No. - How much higher?

7,000 pounds.

Right, and you expect us to top that, do you?

- Well that is up to you, Mr King. - No, I'm sorry, it's not.

This is a mistake that was made in your office.

- Mr King... - No, I'm sorry.

It's out of order and I want to talk to your boss.

I am the co-owner of the business, Mr King.

- Now I'd be happy to show you... - Okay, okay. Enough!

Listen, love, err...

What is it, dad?

I'm listening.

Right, well, we'll, we'll...

You've got us over a barrel, we'll better their offer, we'll put in 10 grand.

3 grand above theirs. Will that do it?

- Yeah, that... - Brilliant, okay, problem solved.

Zombie, ninja fight, Round 5, fight!

Choose weapon.

What the hell are you doing with my camera?

Give it back!

Give it back!

- Aim for head! Aim for head! - Oh grow up, you freak!

Scanning for new weapon.

Trusty trowel.

The garden spoon of doom.

Hello, Mr Miller, we meet again.

Get Mr Miller off my island.

Arguing in the ranks, this is not a good sign.

We will have to finish mission alone.

And he's forgotten the Andytron!

Enemy attacking!

- Blobbatron destroyed! - Loser.

That would have been great for You've Been Framed!

Yeah, that's really funny.

And, go!

So here we are in the garden of the Superkings!

And what's happening today, Angel?

We're digging a pool. I'm doing the shovelling and Joe's wheeling the barrow.

You must be joking!

- No, no, one more. - Exactly where you were before.

Okay, and, okay off you go.

It's erm... a happy day in the Superkings' garden, and...

Tell me, Angel, what's happening today?

We're digging a pool, I'm shovelling and Joe's wheeling.

No!

Look, the telly people will never give us 250 quid unless you make it more real.

You go when I say, barrow.

Don't look back. Look...

- Okay, okay, this time... - I think that last one was alright.

Alright, let's ask our audience. Was it alright?

I think we should do it again because it was rubbish.

I think we should do it again too.

Concentrate please.

Here we are in the garden of the Superkings,

and what's happening today, love?

Digging a pool. I'm shovelling and Joe's wheeling.

Right, and...

Come on...

Look surprised, try and get the, do that thing you did with your arms.

- It hurts. - Look, I'll show you, here.

Told you it hurt.

- It didn't hurt. - It hurt.

It didn't hurt, I was just pretending, you Bernard.

- Were you filming that? - No.

Okay, lots of fun, and here we are, in the Superkings' garden...

and what is happening today?

We're digging a pool, I'm shovelling, Joe's wheeling.

Okay, and...

No!

Come on! That's not what you did before.

Now get out.

Now you're starting to take the piss!

Back. One last time.

You ready?

I'm talking to you, are you ready?

- Yes! - Right, go.

So, what's happening today, Angel, in the garden of the Superkings?

Digging pool, shovelling soil in there and Joe's wheeling the barrow.

Digging the pool? Okay, no...

Now you are just not trying!

- It hurts! - It doesn't hurt, get out!

Dad, that was really good.

No it wasn't. Right.

Again.

So here we are in the garden of the Superkings.

And what's going on today, Angel?

We're digging a pool. I'm shovelling and Joe's doing the barrow.

Okay.

You are just not trying! Will you get out of there now.

No, that's it.

- Get out. - Dad, that was fine.

Fuck off!

What did you say?

What did you say?

Why is it that you can't put even the remotest bit...

of fucking effort into this family?

Because your fucking ideas are stupid, that's why!

Let's get a timeshare with no fucking roof!

Let's get mum a car that's a fucking cut-and-shut! Fucking sick!

And I'll tell you another fucking stupid idea.

Having a son that's such a fucking disappointment!

Fucking loser!

Selfish little shit!

Please! Dad!

Dad? What's wrong?

Nothing, Angel.

Just a bit of a row that's all.

Look please, dad, is it work or something?

No, Angel, honestly everything's fine I promise.

Look it's not fine, just look at yourself! It's not right, it's not normal.

Angel, please, please.

Just stop treating me like a bloody kid alright!

Where are you hiding?

Dad?

What the hell?

I just don't understand what's going on anymore, dad.

I'm gonna find out.

I'm gonna show you what you're being like.

Slow down, Joe, Joe, Joe, I want to get the...

- Dad, that's mine. - Don't be so camera shy, Angel.

- No, look, I'll do the filming. - No, no, no, no.

- Dad! - You'll wake your mum up.

Right, are we ready?

Smile, kids.

A nice big smile.

- Happy Birthday! - Happy Birthday, mum.

Got tangled up in the duvet.

Oh well, that can happen.

Happy Birthday!

Oh, gosh look at that, blimey, how lovely. Thank you.

- Blow out your candle. - Birthday breakfast for mum.

Make a wish.

Oh thank you, darling. That's lovely, thank you. Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

What could it be?

Three guesses.

- Oh wow, that's fantastic. - Is that the one you wanted?

- Oh, Andy, it's perfect. - Good.

- I can't believe you were listening. - Yeah.

Oh that's just great.

- That is just great. - Well I want it to be...

perfect for the barbecue.

Oh, and it's not even old Eden garden stock either, is it?

It certainly is not.

What's the matter with you two, did somebody die?

Oh they're just miffed because I dragged them out of bed this morning...

and made them help with the decorations.

Oh, that'll be nanna.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Wayne.

No, sorry, it's my birthday, I thought you were...

Yeah? Alright...

Now, listen, it's my birthday today, right? So you can only give me good news.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Oh, that's fantastic! Oh, they've accepted the offer on the house!

That's fantastic, yeah. Yeah...

Yeah, we'll sort it all out, brilliant.

Listen, Wayne, there's been a little bit of a delay our end.

Well, is there anything we can do to sort of you know...

just sort of seal the deal and make it rock solid?

Right.

A what, sorry?

Alright, hang on.

You ever heard of anything called a "lock in agreement"?

- No. - I haven't either. What's that?

Yeah.

Okay, hang on.

It's like we put down a big deposit but...

- it really seals the deal. - How big?

How much would that be?

No, sorry, I don't do percentages.

Right, okay, hang on.

21,000.

- 21 grand, love. - I know it's a lot, but you know with...

the pool and new job and...

I know, but my first salary cheque's not in yet,

and we haven't had anyone look at the house.

Oh, surely the bank would give us a loan.

And it's my birthday.

And you love me. And it's my birthday.

Ah, go on then.

Yes! Yeah, we're gonna go for that.

Yeah, I know, fantastic!

Okay, brilliant, alright, yeah.

I'm telling you, that petrol gauge said half full.

Well, it didn't say that just now, did it, John?

No, Stu, it said empty.

Well alright, something's wrong with the gauge then, just get rid of it.

Finally.

Back in action!

Sorry, this is wanted elsewhere.

What?

Barry's just got back from his holiday and they've got a big job on.

- Come inside, I'll make you some breakfast. - Listen, guys...

We need to get it finished by Sunday. Is there anybody you can recommend...

- to get it sorted? - Sheila!

Not even Superman would have that done by Sunday, love. I'm sorry.

- Well how long is it gonna take? - It'll be ready in time

for your precious barbecue.

You think the barbecue's the point?

The barbecue's not the point, Andy. The point is the 21,000 pounds we stand to lose.

The point is getting the house sold and getting this place ready for buyers.

Why can't you just have a little bit of faith? I've said it'll get done,

now just keep out of my hair!

Fine. Fine. I'm gonna go make a call, I'm gonna get this sorted out.

No, you are not.

Understood?

Okay, dig. Go on, dig!

Dig to fucking China!

Right, that's it, everybody out. Angel, come on, you must have books to read or something.

And you guys, can you clear, please, quickly.

I've got err... I've got some digging to do, thank you very much.

- Sorry, Stu. - Lay off!

- Please, Stu. - Lay off!

Got some digging to do.

Everything's fine.

You still there, Angel? I told you to go inside.

Dad, please, let me help.

Go on inside, Angel.

Do some reading or something.

Look, it'll be twice as fast if there's two of us digging.

Please, just go inside.

- It'll help us sell the house quicker. - Oh, now she wants to move.

Dad?

Look, Angel, please, will you just go inside?

Can't you see how you're acting?

I want to help.

I have to make you see.

I have to show you how much you've changed.

I'll be fine, officer, really.

I've been ringing and ringing.

I know, I was in hospital. They wouldn't let me have my phone.

Is that blood?

He's fine, he's been checked over.

Shh, I don't want to wake the children, please.

I'll just give you the number for victim support.

Look, I'm not the victim here, it's Ray.

It's just in case you need to talk to us.

Okay, goodnight.

It wasn't until I got nearer to him that I saw... it was Ray.

What they'd fucking done to him, I mean his face,

it was like they took a fucking crow bar to him, you know?

He was just lying there.

Why did I suggest meeting him in the pub tonight?

- Any other night this wouldn't have happened. - Listen, it's not your fault.

All for his fucking wallet. I mean, it's his wallet!

You know, half his face, half his face was...

- It could have been you, couldn't it? - It should.

At the hospital they kept saying he might never...

- He might never talk again. - Oh, Christ.

I mean it was hanging off.

Ray's got nobody to look after him, has he? He has no girlfriend at the moment.

Well, we'll have to pitch in, I suppose.

Oh, Andy, he's a salesman. What's he gonna do if he can't work?

He can't talk, he can't sell.

We'll get somebody to cover his accounts while he's...

Jesus.

Come here, let me get this jacket off, I want to see what's going on here.

God, you're covered in it.

Oh, no.

Come here. I want to take this off you. I want to take this off and have a look at you.

Oh no, no.

Is there any more? Is there any more?

No, no, I've got it.

Come here. Just sit down over here, let me have a look at you.

I don't know what to think, dad.

All that blood...

Ray in hospital...

I don't know what's going on anymore.

Yeah, I know, but it's not what it said on the website.

It's not what it said on the website.

I know, I know it's an unsecured loan.

But 19 percent over 2 weeks seems a little bit...

Yeah, I know...

There's absolutely no way you can...

But on your website, on your website it says you...

Hello?

Hello?

I know you're there.

I can hear you.

I am not in the mood...

for playing stupid fucking games.

I can see you whoever you are.

I can see you.

I can see you.

And I've got you!

- You've got to be joking! - Oh shit.

I think we'd better get the professionals in tomorrow.

Maybe if I'd had some help.

Oh yeah, that's right, no sorry, don't worry, it's not your fault.

Not your fault at all.

Works, doesn't it?

It's filling up.

Come on, Charlie boy!

Out you come!

There we go!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Did you get that, Angel? That was one for You've Been Framed!

I've got the certificates for everything.

Yeah, it is great, mate, I just, you know, I just don't know if...

I mean, Tommy Cooper's Fez, I mean that alone, you know should...

And...

Eric Morecambe's glasses.

I was gonna sell it all on ebay, but...

I can have an ask around.

- It might be worth a bit as a collection. - Yeah.

Exactly, as a collection.

But if you just keep it quiet, yeah? I want it to be a surprise.

- Andy, where's your loo? - Just upstairs, love.

- Oh, not me! - Yes, you!

Welcome to the lion's den!

Welcome to the house of fun!

- Come on! - Dad, I don't want to!

Hey, Ray!

Uh, sorry, mate, I didn't know they'd let you out!

How are you doing?

What the hell?

What's got into you, mate?

Come on inside.

- Andy, what's going on? - No idea, love.

Just give us a minute.

- What are you talking about? - I know it was you. You cunt.

- I could see it in your eyes just now. - Yeah but, for fucks sake, why would I?

To try and get my job of course.

But you're not going to get to sit in my chair.

The only place you'll be sitting is in a police cell.

- What? - I don't want your bloody chair.

I can't believe I felt guilty about getting a promotion over you.

Do you really think that I would attack somebody for a stupid job?

A mate, I mean somebody who I fucking trained up.

What?

You never even got the job?

Come on.

Look, don't take it out on me.

Look, just think about how you're going to feel when they find out who really did this.

Come on.

Mate.

Please.

Please.

Why has the music stopped?

- What was all that about? - Oh, nothing.

He just blames me because I invited him out for a drink that night.

- He's calmed down now. - He didn't look calm.

He was just a bit embarrassed, I asked him to come back and he said,

well he just said to say sorry that's all.

Come and have a dance with Andy. Yeah.

- Come on. Come and have a dance with me. - No, I've done enough dancing.

Come on!

- Alright, Muzzer. Yeah. - No.

Come on, have a dance with your dad.

Come and have a dance with your dad.

Right, who'll have a dance with Andy then?

Somebody's got to want to have a dance with Andy!

Come on! All dance with Andy!

For fuck's sake, dad.

Stop it.

Come on.

Come on, darling, have a dance with me.

Come on, have a dance with me.

Dad, calm down.

Just look at yourself in the screen, just look!

Look, I understand.

We'll sort it out, alright?

You don't have to pretend anymore.

That's a great idea.

Come play Abracadabra.

Come on, everybody!

Do you all know what you are doing?

- Yes! - Yes. Okay, so...

- Everybody in frame? - Yep.

You'll like this? Not a lot, but you will like it.

Okay, so...

Now I shall send everybody to Timbuktu.

Shazam!

Just like that.

- Right, now what then? - Now we re-wind and play it again.

So everybody inside and let's have a look at it on the telly!

Look, dad, no don't.

Come on, Angel, we can't all watch it on the screen, it's too small.

Dad, don't re-wind it, alright?

You're such a spoilsport, come on, in you go.

I'm not being a spoilsport, just not with everyone in front of us, okay?

Dad!

Look, Angel.

- Come on, give me the camera. - Look, dad, don't play it back.

- What do you mean don't play it back? - Dad, don't!

- Not in front of everyone, alright? - Look, Angel.

Dad, I'm telling you, don't, don't re-wind the tape.

- Not in front of mum. - Look! Don't be so selfish!

I'm not being selfish, dad, don't rewind it, alright?

We'll get another chance to see Charlie fall in the pool.

Look, dad, please don't re-wind it, I'm telling you, don't.

What has got into you?

Dad! Get off!

Right, where were we?

Dad, it's a seagull.

- No, not there, there! - Not that, that's a seagull.

No-one else will listen to me.

So now it's your turn.

You one-eyed little fucker.

You made me lie to my family.

You made my wife...

give up on me.

My son...

hate me.

And my daughter betray me.

So have you got any more tricks up your sleeve?

What do we have here?

Judas Judith, our resident...

snoop.

Come on, love, look at the camera, no need to hide.

What does it feel like being under the microscope?

I wasn't gonna show it to anyone, dad.

I did it for you.

So you could see what you look like.

Come on, get your stuff together, we're going to go into town for breakfast.

Look, I told you, I was just trying to buy some time to put things right.

Yeah well, let's hope it was worth 21,000 pounds down the toilet.

I could have sorted it.

Look, I'll phone the sellers today and see if they'll change their minds...

No, you won't!

- about the deposit. - You won't phone anybody.

- Oh, come on. - No, you come on!

You've already lost us one house.

There is no way I am having you having

anything to do with me trying to save this one.

Come on, you two.

Judith?

Come here.

- Why? - Come here.

I want you to answer a question.

Why is it...

that you hate me so much?

- Dad, I don't hate you. - No, come on.

What was it that I did that has made you hate me?

Dad, I love you.

Angel...

Just tell me...

Why do you hate me?

I'm not gonna be angry, just tell me.

Look I understand, dad.

Why you did it.

I know that you did it...

- 'cos you love us. - Judith!

I know that, I understand now!

That's why I did what I did.

- Oh, my Angel. - Judith.

And there, you see, you have it.

All our sweat. All our...

Blood. All our muck.

Good and bad. Sweet and sour.

It's a big Kings soup.

And it's all so simple really.

All you have to do is take it out...

and look at it.

And so...

your fun's over.

My little filming friend.

No more watching everything.

No more...

storing everything away.

Because now you're going to put things right.

You see...

if Judith can understand, I mean if...

Judith can forgive.

Well then...

why can't the rest of us?

You see...

it's the whole picture that matters.

No more secrets.

And now...

you're working for us.

And you are going to put our family...

back together again.

Aren't you?

Alright. Here's something...

that you think...

I don't know about.

There we go!

See?

I am not the only one with secrets, am I?

Right, now, let's see what else we can find.

What did we find?

Well, the answer is, not a lot.

Just a few mementos, but...

here in an old handbag...

hidden in the lining...

we found this.

It's Joe.

Look, you can just see his little willy.

But there isn't one of Judith.

That's something we need to talk about.

I mean, we're a family...

a unit.

No room for favourites.

And here, as they say, is one that I searched earlier.

The lair of the Musby. A place where daylight never enters.

And...

this is something you didn't feel the need to hide away.

And over here...

we have...

cunningly hidden...

What have we got?

Some pills!

And I bet that they're not aspirin!

And down here...

a phone. And it's no wonder you wanted a new one this one's so full of film...

there can't be any room for numbers.

And there's one very special film.

Starring Joe himself.

Helen fucking Sanderson! Yes!

- Hmm? - Nothing.

And that's our bedroom.

We've searched...

everywhere in here, except for one place.

And...

where there are padlocks...

there are usually secrets.

So...

let's just find...

what we've got...

in here.

My magic screwdriver.

Honestly, Angel...

if Joe hadn't of been messing about I wouldn't have broken it.

Hello?

Mr King?

Okay.

My turn.

It was me that did Ray.

Kids!

Get up! Joe! Wake up!

Judith!

- What's happened to the lights? - I don't know, darling. Andy!?

- Where's dad? - I can't smell any smoke.

No, neither can I.

- Where's dad? - I don't know, I think he's still out. Andy!?

Look, you two wait here, I'll go down and check downstairs.

Joe, see if you can turn that bloody thing off!

Just stay there, okay?

It's alright, I don't think there's any fire.

Bollocks!

Oh bloody hell, who's moved the candles?

You called for me?

It was me you called for.

What the fuck's going on, Andy?

It was me you called for in a crisis.

What are you talking about?

Oh my love...

you see that fear you're feeling,

that fear in the dark, I can feel it, every heartbeat of it.

You haven't got a clue what I'm feeling.

Oh, but I have.

I really have.

If this is another one of your stunts,

- I swear to God... - You see, it's like I knew

that you'd go for Joe first

when the alarm went off, that you'd go to save him first.

You shit.

- You've set this up, haven't you? - Oh come on...

Put the fucking lights back on.

But we've got to face it, Sheila,

we've got to face the way that we feel about each other.

It's like with Judith. It's not Judith's fault that you didn't want to have her.

Don't twist it, you know what a state I was in after having Joe.

Do you know what I realised?

No, do you know what I realised when that alarm went off?

That I wouldn't have known which room

to run to first. I couldn't have picked between us.

That fire would have taken us all.

You've got no idea how I feel about my children.

And that's the point, exactly.

You know, we've got to work this stuff out, together.

I mean really understand the way that we feel, the way that you understood me, Angel.

She's here?

Judith? How did you know?

Dad, have you got the camera on?

Are you filming this?

He's got night vision on.

- You fucking freak! - No!

- You win, we're off. - No, just listen.

- No, please. - You two, get your stuff.

Just put something on, as quick as you can.

Right, look, nobody's going anywhere. Just, no, just go in the lounge and sit down, please.

Please.

- Just get lost. - No.

No, look, I just want you to listen to me.

Oh fuck! Where's the keys, Andy?

Look, just go and sit down, I'll give you the keys afterwards I promise.

- Please, dad. - Look, it's alright, Angel...

I just want to show you some filming that I've been doing that's all.

- Yeah, well tough shit! - Dad, come on!

Look, no, I've locked that door.

- Come here, kids. - Look, just go and sit down, NOW!

NOW!

Right.

That's better.

I won't be a tick.

Hi, you've reached the King family...

Right, let me show you what I've been filming today.

- Try anything like you did with Ray and this goes straight to the police. - I don't have any favourites.

- Look, Angel, y'know... - You've just outed your daughter...

- you creep! - No, Angel, look,

I just didn't want you to have the pressure, that's what I'm saying.

Can't you see, dad?

- It's all wrong. - No.

No look, this way I get to find out what's going on inside you, like any dad would.

But, dad, I don't understand what's going on inside me.

Right, okay, then we can work it out together.

But those feelings that you have for Claire,

there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

You know, you can't control love, that's the whole point.

You don't understand, none of it's right!

Look, Angel!

Look.

- What's that about? - I don't want to end up like Ray!

Oh, come on!

I did that for us, for the job, for the house.

Oh, you cannot...

Alright look, I'll make it up to him somehow, I'll...

Fuckin' unbelievable.

- Look, stop filming. - Don't tell me what to do anymore!

Too slow, mental.

- Alright, Joe, you're just making it worse. - There's worse?

Look, just go upstairs and get Judith, okay?

- The little lesbian stalker? - Grow up and do as you're told.

Fine! Fucking 'Madame Dildo'!

It's like...

it's not that difficult to grasp!

Look, I know it's a bit of a shock at first...

seeing it all back like that, but...

Think, this way we never need feel

any shame, any embarrassment ever again.

What I'm talking about is better understanding.

All of us being happier than we've ever been before.

- Happier? - Yes, happier.

Welcome to Andy's world of happiness

- and understanding. - And why not?

No, thank you. You promised me the keys.

A promise is a promise, eh, Sheila?

- Thank you. - I mean, Jesus...

you were the one that brought up the truth, you know?

Or does the truth only apply to, what is it, mortgages and promotions, is that it?

- Truth? - Yes.

Truth?

You wouldn't know the truth if it smacked you in the mouth, you stupid arse.

Mr Fucking Truth Detective? You didn't even check the date on the ultrasound.

What do you mean?

I'd forgotten I even had that, you bastard.

- I don't understand. - No,

you don't understand. You never did understand...

what it meant for me having Judith so soon after what having Joe took out of me.

God.

Andy, you... all that pressure...

- What pressure? - Telling everybody I was pregnant

when I hadn't even decided whether or not I wanted to keep it.

- I did that because I was happy... - You liar!

You did it so I couldn't back out!

- No, love, honestly... - All I wanted was a fucking rest!

No, love, you've got this completely wrong.

Well, I sure as shit wasn't going to tell you the third time I got pregnant.

Yeah.

There's some truth for you.

Talk about that.

Digest that.

Fucking love that!

Come on, kids, we're going!

- Nobody's going anywhere. - You keep away from me.

Just give me the keys.

- Give me back the keys. - Get off!

Get off her!

- Don't fucking touch her! - Nobody is fucking touching

fucking anybody!

I'm warning you!

How come...

that I am the outlaw here? Hey?

I mean, I've lied about a promotion for a couple of weeks.

You...

you have lied for years

about killing our baby.

Andy, just let us leave.

Look...

Oh, come on, don't back away from me.

Look, I...

Will you stop backing away? Look...

Look, there's no point if you're all always backing away from me.

Don't... don't... now you're being stupid.

Open the bloody door!

Alright, how come I'm the baddie here then?

How come I'm the baddie...

when you killed our child?

Because you're the bloody bastard that I couldn't turn to

when I had to make the hardest decision of my life.

No! I'm not having that!

I'm not.

I'm the bastard that loved you.

I'm the bastard that was there for you. You chose not to talk to me.

And it wasn't your decision.

They're not just your children.

Andy, let us leave.

No.

- We just want to leave. - Open the fucking door!

Right.

No... Fuck!

I just want to try and understand that's all.

I just want to understand.

- Please, just talk to me. - Andy, just let us go.

Look...

I just want to understand.

I don't want to fucking hurt you, you stupid bitch!

Dad, please!

- Judith! - Judith!

Get away from her!

I wouldn't hurt you, Angel, would I?

Keep away from her!

Angel!

Come on, Angel, you can't believe that I'd hurt you.

- Keep away from her. - I'm filming this.

- Angel! - Just be careful, Judith.

- Leave her! - Dad, no!

Stop being frightened of me.

Judith!

- Look what you're doing! - Judith!

- Shit! - Get away from me!

- No! - Judith!

- Angel! - Oh, my God!

- I've got you, I've got you. - You were swimming.

- Joe, go get some towels. - You were swimming, Angel!

It's alright, I've got you, I've got you. You stupid idiot!

- I'm sorry! - We're not leaving. You are!

Get your stuff and you're getting to Mike's!

Sorry!

I'm sorry!

If you're still here in the morning I'm calling the police!

Sorry!

I'm sorry...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry...

I never meant for any of this to happen and...

I do love you all very much.

And if...

If I could change...

If I could change it all I would, but I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't think about any other way...

to set you free and you have to believe that I'm doing this because I love you very much.

I...

I love you very much and...

You deserve more.

Daddy...

It's the only thing that daddy can do for... for you...

It's the only thing that daddy can do.

Angel...

Oh, Angel.

See how you're growing up now.

And I won't be there.

I won't be there to see you.

When you find me...

Shit!

Oh, shit!

Dad?

Don't come in, Angel. Go... go to bed.

Dad?

I'm fine, love.

Are you alright?

I'm fine, go upstairs.

Go on, upstairs, I'm just a bit tired that's all.

- Are you sure you're alright? - Yes.

Yes, yes.

Come here, come here.

I love you very much.

It's okay.

Dad?

It'll all be alright, you know...

- It'll be fine. - It's gonna be fine.

It'll sort itself out.

Go on.

Go upstairs, go to bed.

We've all had a very late night, go on.

Go on, go and find some sleep.

Please, Angel, please, go to bed.

I'll be gone soon.

I don't want you to go, dad.

Come here, come here.

Angel.

Angel.

- I love you very, very, very much. - I love you too, dad.

I promise you it'll all be alright.

We'll be okay again, it'll just be like normal.

I know. I know, everything's going to be fine.

Everything's going to be fine.

Come here.

Don't cry, dad.

I'm not.

I'm fine.

Everything's going to be fine.

Angel...

Just be quiet.

Dad, get off me. Get off me.

Be quiet.

Please, be quiet.

Be quiet.

Be quiet for daddy.

Please.

There's a good girl.

There's a good girl.

Just let go.

Just let go.

Just let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Oh, Angel...

Happy now?

Come on, out you come.

What a good boy.

There's a good lad, good lad.

Come on.

Come here.

Come here.

No, give me your hands.

Come on...

Come on.

You're good kids.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Good kids.

No!

No!

No, no! No!

No! No! No!

No!

No! No!

Sweetness, no!

No!

No, it's all going to be fine. It's all going to be fine.

They're fine. They're fine!

They're fine!

I didn't mean for it to hurt.

It wasn't supposed to.

It wasn't supposed to.

It wasn't supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Come on.

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.

Come on, darling.

Come on, sweetness.

Come to the kids. Please, come with the kids.

Please, come with the kids.

Come on...

the kids...

The kids and you... the kids...

Come on... It's going to be fine.

It's going to be fine.

Ready? One, two, three!

Come on...

One, two, three!

Nearly there.

See? The kids...

Come on... This way, sweetness...

One more time, come on.

Here we are.

Here we all are.

See? We're together.

We're together.

All of us...

We're all together.

It's good.

It's good.

I'll be with you soon.

I'll be with you soon.

Can you take these and put them in the car, please?

Thanks.

Oh, love...

Come on, Angel!

Don't tell me this is still running.

Who left this o-

Closed Captions: Onizuka20, Kikka.Muse, fenrir94, pino3dita

Revision: Francesco Bavastro "zefram cochrane"

::Italian Subs Addicted::