All language subtitles for Corporate.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-NON

- As you all know,
profits for Hampton DeVille

are at an all-time high.

Unfortunately,
the well-being of our employees

is at an all-time low.

Let's take a look at the average
Hampton DeVille employee.

The average life expectancy
for a Hampton DeVille employee

is 57.1 years.

They get 5.2 hours
of sleep a night...

- I'm so tired.

I wish I could be asleep
all the time.

- You just described death.

- Hmm. Yeah, I guess
I want to be dead.

- I can't wait to die.

It sounds so relaxing.

- The average employee
is half man, half woman.

They have one testicle,

one breast, and half a vagina.

Every year,
the average employee consumes

561 cups of coffee...

- I feel nothing
when I drink coffee.

- Coffee is a scam.

Be an adult.
Take an Adderall.

- The average
Hampton DeVille employee

strongly agrees
with the following phrase.

"If I see a pill,
I eat a pill."

They smoke 275 cigarettes
annually,

97 marijuana cigarettes,

and due to some
statistical outliers,

the average employee
does heroin.

I would never do heroin.

Unless I was dying,

or someone just
offered it to me.

- I don't have a 401,
so as of now,

my retirement plan
is to overdose on drugs.

- Smart.

- The average employee

has 7.8 suicidal thoughts
per day,

18 panic attacks a year,

and wonders once an hour,
every hour,

why this is happening to them.

And that concludes
my presentation

on how Hampton DeVille employees

cope with the pain
of being alive.

- Okay.
Thank you, Grace.

Should we talk next steps?

let us never
speak of this again.

- Yes, that's right.

That's really the only step.

- You've heard of
enhanced interrogation, right?

- Yeah.
- Well, it's like that,

but with acupuncture.
- Ah.

I know a masseuse
who does this amazing thing

where she wraps her hands
around your neck

and just oh-so-subtly
suffocates you.

- Is that Matt?
- Oh, no.

Finding a dead body
is one of my top 25 fears.

- He has a neck pillow.

- He died in his sleep.

Oh!

- Hi, Matt.
- Oh, my...

God!
- Ah!

- John.
- Ah!

- What?
- What?

- Matt, the fact that you
have been sleeping in your car

means we have not been
challenging you enough.

But that's about to change.

- We need you to digitize

all the employee injury
and death reports

from the past 50 years.

- I'm gonna be honest with you,

it's an upsetting amount
of work.

- It sucks.

- I'm sorry, but how does
digitizing old files

fit into my job description?

I'm gonna lose my mind
if I don't get my nap.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Wow, Matt.
That sounds awful.

Almost as bad as having
spinal surgery!

Because the chairs here

don't provide lumbar support!

But let's get back
to how you're a victim.

- Jake, buddy!

It is so good to see you
back in the office, man.

The place wasn't the same
without you.

I brought you these.

- Wow, thanks, Baron.

I kind of thought you hated me

'cause you've said that
to my face many times.

Uh, so anyway, um...

what'd they give you
to manage the pain?

Must be some serious stuff.

- They gave me hydrocodone,
oxycodone,

lorazepam, diazepam.

- You know, I get, um,

uh, retinal pain
from staring at screens all day,

so if you have
any leftover pills,

remember who brought you flowers

when you were down and out...

and in need of a friend.

There's a Benji in the card.

- Wow, that was pretty blatant.

- I've been dealing with this
all morning.

Turns out painkillers
are pretty valuable currency.

- Jake, heard about your back.

That sucks, man.

Quick question, though.

What kind of pills
are you taking?

- Hey, Jake.

- Hey, Jake.
- Jake.

- Jake!

- Jim, buddy.

- I am so sorry to hear
about your back.

- I can only imagine
the pain you're in.

- You are a hero.

- What'd they give ya?

- What was it,
Norcos, Vals, Vics?

- You are not supposed to take
all of 'em.

- That would be dangerous.

- My carpal tunnel's
been really acting up.

- This weekend, I have to meet
my mom's new boyfriend.

- That's not good.

- He used to be my boyfriend.

- I'm just really bored.

- I'm a drug addict.

- I would be so grateful.

- If you love me,
you'll give me the pills.

- I'll give you something;
you give me something.

- I need the pills.
- Just give them to me.

- Please.

- Don't act like
you're the only one in pain!

- And that would really
help me out, man.

- What's in it for me?

Is that a new suit?

- Yeah, I got it from Hank
in accounting.

His in-laws are visiting
this weekend.

- Is that a Kandinsky?

- Here's another batch.

- Well, now I really
want to be dead.

- Hi, Matt.
You look like you're dying.

- Thanks, Grace.

- Jake.

- Oh, hi, Grace.

Let me guess, you want
to exploit our friendship

for some pain pills.

- What? No.

I just brought you
these balloons

because I care about you.

- That's so sweet, Grace.

You're such a good person.

- Yes. I am good.

, ,.

God, I need a nap.

- Matt, we know you need sleep,

but we're counting on you.
- You're young.

You're not allowed to sleep
until you're dead.

I don't think employees
are allowed to smoke in here.

- What are you gonna do,
fire me?

- No, it's just that...

cigarettes are bad for you.

- Cigarettes can't kill me.

- Why not?

- Because I'm a ghost!

Hey, Matt!

Ooh.

I thought you were dead,
but turns out

you're just sleeping
on the toilet,

which is somehow worse.

- Good morning, Matt!

I'm gonna show you
how I get through my day...

without falling asleep
on the toilet.

- John, how is waking up
at 6:00 a.m.

to play basketball
gonna help me?

God.
- Endorphins.

Intense physical activity

floods your brain
with endorphins.

You don't need sleep

when you can trick your body
into thinking

that you're constantly

in a life-threatening situation.
- John.

With endorphins,

you can power your way
through any obstacle.

Oh!

Foul.

With adrenaline in your veins,

nothing can get in your way!

Oh, Jesus.

That's a goal-tend.

Okay, nothing can get in my way.

Gotcha!

Oh, gotcha, big man.

Let me get it!

You're a filthy, scumbag,
dirty-ass...

- I get it.
- Trifling player.

And you're always gonna be
a dirty player.

Let's go!

With endorphins...

everything is possible!

Oh!

What?

How?

- Ow!

- So there was an incident

on the basketball court
this morning

involving two
Hampton DeVille employees.

You and me.

And I think
what we've learned

is that people--

me and you--

make mistakes.

And nobody is really
at fault here.

Okay?

- Yeah, it's okay.

- Good.

Good meeting...

and great game.

You ever have
one of those dreams

that are so vivid,
you'd swear it's real?

- All the time, man.

- Who are you?

- I'm Kevin.

I've been hitting the drugs
pretty hard since my dog died,

so I traded my office to Jake
for painkillers.

- Oh.

- How are you?

- I'm having
a little bit of a rough day,

but I'm okay.

How are you?

- Good. I'm on drugs.

- No, don't do that.

Do what I said.

Trust me, if you saw how I look,

you would do what I said.

- Can I help you?

- Come on, this is ridiculous.

- Um, I just came
to talk to Jake.

- Do you have an appointment
with Mr. Levinson?

- It's okay, Jane.

Tell him to wait a minute,
and we'll grab some grub.

Mom, how many times
do I have to tell you

he's not hot enough for you?

You're an amazing woman,
and you deserve the hottest.

Thanks for picking up lunch,
Grace.

- That's what friends do:

give each other stuff that
makes their bodies feel good.

- So, Jake, how many pills
do you have left?

- I blew a bunch on a key to
the 49th floor vending machine,

but I've got enough left
for one big trade.

Ooh, and I think I know
what it's going to be.

- A car?

- No, I want that parking spot.

It's right by the elevator,

no cars on either side.

It's convenient,
but more importantly

a real status symbol.

- Uh, there's no chance
you're gonna get that spot.

It belongs to Peg Peterson.

She's the most well-balanced
person I've ever met.

I don't think she's been sad
a day in her life.

- Okay, well, it was good
hearing from you.

Yeah. Have a great day, Todd.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry,
that was a telemarketer.

What can I help you with?

- I'm sorry, but I was walking
by your office,

and I couldn't help but notice
that your name is Peg Peterson.

This is a long shot,

but do you happen to know
a Lenny Peterson?

- Uh, I don't think so.

- Well, he's great,

and it's great to meet
another Peterson.

Anyway, how are you?

- I'm doing really well,
thank you for asking.

And how are you?

Um, what's that back brace for?

- Oh, this old thing?

I just had
a little spinal surgery.

Don't worry about me.

Yeah, it hurts a little bit,

but everyone has pain, right?

Right, Peg?

- I'm sorry to hear
about your spine,

but you know what always
makes me feel better

is a candy cane.

- Candy, huh?

Ever had this kind of candy,
Peg?

- Are those
prescription painkillers?

- These make everybody
feel better about everything.

I could give you
the rest of the bottle,

but I'm gonna need
more than a candy cane, Peg.

Maybe your parking spot?

Oh, it's 2:00.

It's time
for my afternoon treat.

Ice cream sandwiches
are the only drug I need.

- Bonne nuit.

- Buenas noches.

- What?

Hey, ghost?

What are you typing?

- I have to finish
these bullshit reports.

- Hey, ghost?

What's it like being dead?

Being dead is great in theory.

You know?

You don't feel any pain.

You can have sex
without condoms.

But the problem is, you just
get used to it, you know?

And then being dead just sucks
as much as being alive.

It's like,
there's no greener grass.

There's just more grass.

, you just made me
type "grass"!

- Paper cuts!

Oh!
- Hi, Matt.

Did you know
this is the women's restroom?

And also you're asleep
on a toilet.

- What's wrong, Matt?

- I don't know, Kevin.

These death records
are giving me weird nightmares.

Madeline?

Smoker, foul-mouthed,

died of an amphetamine overdose.

Oh, my God.

She's real.

- Who's real?

- The ghost from my dreams.

Wait, no, I'm sorry.

I don't believe in ghosts.

- I do.

If ghosts aren't real,

how do you explain

the existence of ghosts?

Huh?
- You're right.

You can't explain it.
- No.

I listen to ghost hunting
podcasts while I work,

and they all say
that if you meet a ghost,

you're supposed to find
where they died

so they can be released
to the afterlife.

- It says she died on floor 33.

- I know all about floor 33.

It's abandoned.

Supposed to be pretty spooky.

I'll go get my ghost rods.

- Thanks, Kev.

- Are you gonna go get
your rods?

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- Yeah, right, ghost rods.
Right.

- What's wrong?

No ice cream sandwiches?

- Someone threw them
into the sink and smashed them.

- Oh, no.

I guess the world is cruel.

Right, Peg?

Lucky for you...

I have these.

- You know what?

I think I'm gonna treat myself

to a walk in the park.

Why don't you come join me?

- Why'd they shut this floor
down?

- It wasn't wheelchair
accessible,

and they didn't want to pay
to install a ramp.

- Oh.

Spider!

Oh, don't.

- Oh, my God.
Kevin, it's her office.

Oh, man.

My rods are really
starting to out.

Uh, maybe we should go back
to the office

and take some pain pills
and forget about this.

- No, I'm going in.

Matt! Matt, no!

It says
"deceased found on couch."

Oh, my God, we found
her final resting place.

Now she can be released.

Kev?

Huh. Resting place.

- Look, Jake,

it's not like I don't understand

that there's darkness in life.

Okay, let me tell you a story.

So when I was a kid,
my parents were divorced,

and I lived with my mother.

And one night, we woke up,

and the house was on fire.

So we ran out,

and my mother ran back in
to save my dog,

and that's when my father
kidnapped me.

Because it turns out that
he had started the fire

to get back at my mother, so...

anyway, three months later,

the FBI found us

and shot my father
through the brain

right in front of me.

But on the way
to the police station,

a federal agent handed me
an ice cream sandwich.

So yeah,

I could easily

look back at what happened

and focus on the negative.

Or I could remember that
no matter how bad things get,

there's always
an ice cream sandwich

around the corner.

- I just want to take a minute

to deeply apologize

for throwing away
your ice cream sandwiches.

- There's just one more thing
I want to show you.

- Well...

you released me.

So now I get to move on.

To hell.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.

I was a terrible person,
so it doesn't matter.

Hell's better than working
at Hampton DeVille, right?

- Yeah, I'm not cut out
for working here.

- No one is.

You just find your way to cope,
and you just keep going.

- So is that it?

- Yeah.

Unless you want to make out.

- Do you want to make out?

- Yeah, whatever.

I mean, I'm a ghost.
Who cares?

- Oh!

- You know, Jake,
I really do believe

that putting positivity
into the world

is kind of its own reward.

That's why I'm giving you
my parking space.

- Wow. Peg.

Thank you.

But after all you've been
through, I feel kind of bad

taking your parking spot.

I definitely still will,

but I feel bad.

- Don't worry about me.

Oh, and remember,

always look on the bright--

- ♪ Nothing is good enough

♪ For people like you

♪ And something to sabotage

♪ Determined to lose it all

♪ Nothing is

♪ Good enough

- John told me
to drop these off here.

Whoa!

You're the ghost.

I found out where you died
and took a nap there.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh.

I guess that was a dream.

- Gross. Don't dream about me.

- Oh, no, it wasn't you.

You were a dream ghost,
and I released you to hell.

And then we made out,

but it was your idea.

I--listen.

I'm not explaining this well.

Here's the thing.
I'm a good guy.

And if we got to know
each other,

we'd laugh about this,
and, uh...

if we hung out, uh,
we'd probably become friends.

I know that this is
a weird situation.

We all know that, both of us,

and, uh, I just want you to know

that I'm with you on this.

Bottom line,
I need you to trust me

that I'm a good person.

That's it.

- Don't ever talk to me again.

- Okay.

- I hate all men.

- Hey, Grace.

Here you go, kiddo.

- Jake!

- Man, Kevin,

it's been so much easier
to get my work done

now that I found
my new napping place.

- Who's Kevin?

- Jake? But what happened to...

was Kevin a ghost?

- No, I just gave him
his office back.

- Oh.

That makes sense.

- There's a spider
on your shoulder.

- Wow, buddy.

You play dirty.

Filthy.

I like that.

I like that, buddy.

Let's go!

Foul.