All language subtitles for A.Bad.Moms.Christmas.2017.1080p.Br.eng

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

I'm Amy Mitchell.

And this year

I ruined Christmas.

Christmas is by far

the most stressful
time of the year for moms.

There are a million
things to do.

And you have to do them
all perfectly

or else you will
never forgive yourself.

And more importantly,
neither will your kids.

I literally feel like

the worst mom
in the world right now.

Maybe I should start
at the beginning.

I've always loved Christmas.

It's my favorite
time of the year.

Most of all, I love
the time with my family.

Because all I want

all any mom wants

is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.

That said, Christmas is
an insane amount of work.

First, you have to buy gifts

for every human being
you've ever met.

I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.

Why did I do that?

Then, you have to decorate
your house

which, clearly, I suck at.

I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!

Then, you have to go to
all your kids' Christmas shows

which are...

Yeah.

Then, there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.

Oh, my God.

Are these lobster Santa hats?

Are these a thing now?

What the fuck?

Then, there's all the cooking

all the cleaning

all the wrapping.

It's insane!

There's just never enough time.

Argh!

- Hi, mom.
- Hey.

- Hey!
- How was the game?

It was great! The Bulls won.

- Yes! Congratulations.
- Yes!

- Hi, honey.
- I love you, baby.

Wow. Your house
looks really great.

Oh, thank you.

I still-I still got
lots left to do, but...

Can I do anything to help?

No, no, not unless
you know how

to magically fix
Christmas lights.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, you just
swap out the fuse.

It's pretty easy.

That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

Oh, you're definitely getting
the gold-star treatment tonight.

I like that,
but hold that thought.

Okay.

Oh. Your dad is awesome.

I thought you hated him.

What? No, honey, what?
Why would you say that?

When you came over
to the house last week

I heard you and daddy
in the bedroom

and you kept
screaming at him.

Oh, yeah.

No, honey, those were...

Those were happy screams.

They didn't sound happy.

And then you punched the wall

and yelled the F-word.

Okay, I-I, um...

Yeah, I don't,
I don't really recall

doing that, so, yeah.

- I don't know if that happened.
- You did.

You were like,
"Oh, my fucking God!"

Just like that.

"Oh, my fucking God!"

Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!

Um, here's the thing.

Your dad and I
were just playing a fun

little grown-up game.

You played the game seven times.

Six and a half.
But who's counting?

Here's the thing,
let's just not...

Let's just not talk about this.

- Cool?
- Cool.

- High-five. Awesome.
- Got it.

Oh, no.

What is it?

My mother's
coming for Christmas.

Oh, my fucking God!

Thanks for helping me decorate
the tree, guys.

Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree. Okay, buddy?

Oh, who put the big
brown ornament

right on the front
of the tree?

- It looks like doodie.
- Yes, it does, baby.

And that's why mommy's
gonna move it around back.

Oh, no, sweetie

we don't drink
the tree water.

We don't drink the tree water

'cause we're people, right?

Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

You bet there is, buddy.

- I know.
- Are you lying to me, mommy?

Oh, God, make it stop.

What else have you lied about?

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, dad.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- You alright?
- Yeah.

- Tree looks great.
- Thank you.

- Want me to feed the twins?
- Yes, please.

- Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- Thank you.

- Let's get some food.
- It's okay, buddy.

Aw, it's alright.

Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

- Mom? Hi!
- Oh... my... gosh!

I thought you weren't
coming until Friday.

Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.

- Three days earlier?
- Oh.

I-I haven't made up
the guest bedroom or anything.

That's okay.
I'll just sleep with you.

Big spoon, little spoon.

I usually sleep
with my husband now.

Hey, you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?

I love this picture.

And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.

- Well, one of 'em, anyway.
- You just got here.

Let's not talk about my breasts.

- Then the other one popped out.
- Yeah.

Thank goodness!

Oh, Keeks!

If you play your cards right,
you could get

a sweatshirt just like this
for Christmas.

Oh, no.

Oh, Kiki Dee,
I cannot wait

to spend every waking minute

of the next three weeks
with you.

Hmm...

Oh!

Hmm...

Are you smelling my hair?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

If I have to wax
one more pussy today

I'm gonna black out.

Since when did
every woman in America

need a completely hairless
vagina on Christmas?

Anyone else here for a wax?

Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.

I can't handle you right now.

Hmm, let's see.

Oh. You. Betty White.

I'm intrigued.

Come with me.

Hey, what's up, lady?

- Mom?
- Ha-ha!

Wait, what the actual fuck?

Oh, my God!

Ah! My God! My God!

Oh, my God!

Wait, I... Well,
you didn't tell me

you were coming for Christmas.

It's Christmas?

Uh, yeah.
Isn't that why you're here?

Totally! Totally why I'm here.

Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.

Jesus, look at you!

You bitch,
you don't age at all.

Look how fucking hot you look!

Look at those boobs.

Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
a little bit older.

But good, you look good.

What's it been,
like three years?

Three?

Whoa, really?

Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.

I don't really know
what year it is.

Why are you wearing
black pajamas?

Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...

I work at a spa.

You have a fucking job?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm tryin' to be more
responsible and shit.

Oh, you always were so weird.

So why are you really here, mom?

What do you mean?

Well, you only come
when you need money.

Uh, oh... No, no, no.

I don't gamble anymore.

No, I'm just here to see

my daughter on Easter.

- Christmas.
- Christmas.

So I think we should celebrate.

I know, Thunder Down Under

is playing by the airport.

I think we should hit that hard.

- Male strippers?
- Yeah.

- With my mother?
- Mm-hm-hm.

On Christmas?

Yeah.

How could I say no?

Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch!

- Alright! That's my girl.
- Whoo!

Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna

shit himself when he sees you.

Still got that kid, huh?

Yup, yup.

How old is he now?

Oh, 15 or 17.

- Oh, cute, cute.
- Yeah.

So your mom and dad have never

been here
on Christmas before?

Um, no, no.

Okay, wait, do you, do you
think that I made enough food?

Uh, seriously?

I can make quiche.
I'm gonna go make quiche.

Babe, everything's
gonna be fine.

No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.

My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.

When I was six years old

I made her a birthday card.

And she returned it with notes.

Okay, that's fucked up.

The point is she's perfect

at everything and she is
impossible to please.

But if she's
impossible to please

why're you tryin' so hard
to please her?

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

Daughters spend
their whole lives trying

to please their mothers,
and mothers

spend their whole lives

shitting all over
their daughters.

It's just how the world works.
Okay? I can't fix that.

I'm not,
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

Well, y-y-you are to me.

- Ugh.
- I love you.

I love you.

- Mmm.
- Okay.

You think your mom's
gonna like me?

No.

I'm sorry we're late.

Hank drives like a girl.

Merry Christmas,
grandma and grandpa!

Merry Christmas, grandpa!

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, dad.

Here, have some X-Boxes.

- Are you serious?
- Thank you so much.

Mum would never let us
have these.

Thank you.

Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.

It's so nice to meet you.

Please take the bags
upstairs. Gracias.

Okay. Hi, mom.

- Amy.
- Hi.

- You look pale.
- Oh.

I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.

Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.

You're not dying.

Where's your tree?

I-I haven't had time
to get one yet.

Amy, it's December 19th.

Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.

Never mind,
we'll get one tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Huh.

Yeah. Do you have any food?

I haven't eaten
in three days.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual...
I have all your favorites.

It's adorable.

You let your kids cook.

Okay.

Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.

So I have the whole week
planned out.

On Thursday,
we'll see "The Nutcracker."

And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.

Unfortunately,
Mike was our baritone

and you're divorcing him.

So we're gonna have to fill
that hole

if we're gonna win
the Caroling Cup this year.

Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

Darling, when I lived here

we won the Caroling Cup
nine times.

It's too bad
you've given up on

our family's
tradition of winning.

Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so...

Well, clearly not
at the gym. Whoop.

I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.

I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.

So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient.

What? No.
That's not convenient.

I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends

and we can have a sushi station

and we can hire Kenny G

to play Christmas music.

I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.

Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
like a lot of work.

Yeah. It's too bad,
I've already invited everyone.

- Where, to my house?
- Yes.

A 184 people are coming.

What?

Why haven't I gotten
a Christmas card

from you yet?

I don't know, mom.

I-I-I guess it just fell
through the cracks.

What is happening with you?

Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.

Amy, this is Christmas.

It's the big show.

- I know.
- You can't dick around.

- I'm not dicking around.
- I feel you're dicking around.

Mom, I'm honestly
not dicking around.

Yes, you are dicking around.

I can tell
when you're dicking around.

I'm not dicking around.

- Dick, dick around.
- Okay.

Okay.

I'm not dicking around.

Alright, enough
with the bad language.

Okay.

- I like your hair.
- Really?

Yeah, it looks like
you're not trying so hard.

Yeah. Love you.

Oh...

I can't do Christmas
with my mother.

It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.

My mom is only staying
with me

because I think
she wants to steal my TV.

Oh, I have to go
Christmas tree shopping

with my mother tonight.

Yeah, it's like,
it's like going

on a seven-hour death march

around the city.

My daughter really wants

a Happy Happy Princess Doll

and I have looked everywhere

for it and I don't know
where it is.

Where is she, guys?

Where is Happy Happy Princess?

Oh, my God.

I know it's just a doll,
but God.

Christmas is
killing me this year.

Holy fuck.

I can't do this shit sober.

Me neither.

You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?

- Fuck yeah!
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Ooh, fun!

You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?

- Genital warts?
- What?

- Genital warts.
- No.

Carla, no.

No, w-w-what drives me crazy

is the-is the pressure
that we put on ourselves

to make Christmas perfect, guys.

Look, Christmas
is supposed to be fun.

Yes, why am I responsible

for getting
every gift for everyone

in my entire family?

I mean,
just 'cause I'm a girl?

- Yeah.
- It's 2017!

I thought so.

Why can't my husband

buy presents for his own mom?

I don't even like his mom.

She blames her farts on my kids.

- What?
- You know what I do?

- With my big dumb son?
- What?

Every November,
I just go into his room

grab a bunch of random crap

wrap it up,
give it to him on Christmas.

- He doesn't even notice.
- Seriously?

Oh, my God, I've given him
the same baseball glove

like nine times.

And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?

I spend months picking out
the perfect gift

for everyone in my family
and all I ever get

is coupons
for free back rubs.

Oh, that's so wrong.

You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?

A box of Ziploc baggies.

Think I'll probably
just wrap it up

and give it back to him again
this Christmas.

You guys, I'm just like
a-a-a giant stress ball

from November to New Year's.

I just wanna enjoy
Christmas again.

Yeah.

Well, then let's do it.

What?

Guys, what is wrong with us?

Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.

I am disappointed
in this threesome.

We are mothers.

And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?

We hide in the bathroom.

- No.
- No.

No, we don't,
we don't do that.

- Uh-unh.
- We s... No, we stand up.

- And we fight back.
- Fight back. Yes.

So if we wanna do Christmas
our way this year

then we're gonna do
Christmas our way.

No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations

no more perfect anything.

- Fuck it.
- Let's take Christmas back.

Let's put the "ass" back.

- In "Christm-ass."
- What?

That didn't come out exactly as
I planned, but y-you guys get...

- Yeah, we know what you meant.
- Yeah, we get you.

Okay, to taking Christmas back.

Yes!

Merry Christmas!

- What?
- Yes.

Now, it's gonna be better.

Now, it is gonna be better.

Okay, who's next?

Hey! Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?

- Attention, shoppers!
- Excuse me!

I am drunk and horny!

I repeat,
I am drunk and horny!

Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I still have to go
Christmas tree shopping

with my mom.

I just had a really dumb idea.

Alright, guys. Here.

- Ooh, we got some popcorn.
- I got extra.

- Yes.
- You guys ready?

- Look at that.
- Okay.

- This is really nice, mom.
- Yeah.

We should do all Christmas
like this.

Yeah, can we just
hang out together

and skip all the annoying stuff?

Yeah, you guys, I...

I would actually
really like that.

Hey, Jessie, you should come
over on Christmas.

Um, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.

I wouldn't want to impose.

Don't be weird, dad.

We'll be here.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I would
actually love that.

- Me, too.
- Okay.

Good evening, everyo...

What in God's name is that?

Oh, that is our
new Christmas tree.

I got it at Lady Foot Locker.

- Do you like it?
- No, I don't, Amy.

- I find it revolting.
- Oh.

What is this thing
doing in your house?

I don't know, I-I didn't wanna

waste time tree shopping
this year.

I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.

Amy, you are a mom.

Moms don't enjoy,
they give joy.

That's how being a mom works.

And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.

I don't know,
I-I kind of like it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Who are you,
and why are you talking?

Mom, please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.

I'm tired of this conversation.

But if you think for one second

I'm gonna let
your lazy shenanigans

ruin Christmas
for this entire family

you are very much mistaken.

Goodnight, dear children.

Here, have some
iTunes gift cards.

Mom, seriously? You have to
stop giving them gifts.

Thanks, grandma.

Honey, did you see
these ornaments?

They are all little shoes.

I swear to God, Hank.

I will drive you
to a fire station

and I will leave you there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How was your night?

- So good.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm.

You taste like grape soda.

I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.

- Mmm.
- Hmm.

- Bless you.
- Bless you.

Mom!

Hi, guys.

What are you doing in here?

Well, I just came in here
to watch you fall asleep

like I always do
and then you started

going at it
like monkeys in a zoo.

You watch me fall asleep
every night?

Well, except after
Blue Bloods, I know

that's your
special intercourse night.

Oh, honey,
I'm so glad to see

you have such a vibrant
sex life.

It's so important
for you and Kent

to just bang each other.

And Kent.

I am so happy

that you're able to get
an erection again.

Yay!

And Kiki.

He's so much bigger
than your dad was.

Okay, mom, thanks, you can go

before my husband never
has sex with me again.

Yup.

Oh, and, honey

your dad liked it
when I tickled his balls.

Okay, you need
to stop talking.

I'm gonna come check on you guys
in a little while.

Oh, please don't.

Oh, wow.

- You need to talk to your mom.
- I know.

She needs some boundaries.

- Or at least, a boundary.
- I know.

I just, uh...

I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.

And, you know,
ever since my dad died

I'm, like, pretty much
her only family.

So I'm worried that if I
push her away even a little

that it's gonna break
her heart.

She saw my boner, Kiki.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. What the...

What... the fuck?

Okay, bring the French hens

three inches to the left.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mom?

What are you doing?

I am decorating
your house properly

because apparently, you are
unwilling to do so yourself.

Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?

Making Christmas special
is how you show

your family
that you love them, Amy.

You don't want
your kids to think

that they're worthless
and unloved.

- Do you?
- Well, no, of course not.

This is the time of year
when moms kill themselves

to create a magical world
of joy for their children.

It is not a time of year
when moms sit around

in their pajamas
eating fudge.

- I don't even like fudge.
- Great.

So stop being a shitty mom.

- Oh.
- Hey, kids.

How do you like
the Christmas cavalcade, huh?

- Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
- Show mom how it works!

Really, Amy,
you are gonna love this. Okay.

We are go for
the cavalcade, over.

Don't worry, I'll show you
how this works. It's on an app.

Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.

Shh-shh, wait for it,
wait for it.

How much did this cost?

How can you put a price tag

on a child's happiness, Amy?

- It was very expensive.
- God! Mom!

Wait for it,
this is the big ending!

Are those actual partridges?

Of course.

They don't have
any survival skills.

They'll be dead within an hour.

- Okay.
- Here, kids.

Have some breakfast candy.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Oh, my God.

Thank you, grandma.
I love you.

I love you.
I love you, too, guys.

Okay, let's reload the birds.

And I hate that they're gray.

Let's paint them all white.

And can't they look
a little happier

when they fly away?

I mean, it is Christmas.

Your mom decorated your house?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not okay.

Who cares, let her
decorate your house.

She wanna do mine next?

It's-it's not about the house.

It's-it's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman

and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.

Well, then you need
to fight her.

Like... physically?

That is correct, Amy.

I can teach you
some basic karate moves.

But we all know that
she's gonna keep treating you

like this until you beat
the shit out of her.

I don't want you to meet my mom.

She's a 62-year-old woman,
so...

Fine, but you need to have

at least a serious
conversation with her.

- That sounds more legal.
- I know. I know.

And where's your dad
in all this?

Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.

But he's completely
under her control.

I mean, there's no way
he's gonna choose

my side over hers, no.

- Sweetie, that's hard.
- Oh...

Moms are so weird.

How's Christmas with your mom?

Oh, you know. It's...

It's okay-it's okay,
I guess. Yeah.

I mean, my mom got her hair cut

and colored exactly
like mine, but...

I think that's pretty
normal, right?

Your... Did your moms...

Do your moms have
your... hairstyle?

You know, every time

I think I'm the fucked-up one
in this group

Kiki, you open your mouth,
and then I'm like

"No, I'm doing great."

Anyway, uh, my mom and
I were gonna

take the kids over
to Sky Zone later.

- Do you guys wanna come?
- Legally...

I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone but...

Okay, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.

- Amy?
- Oh, I can't-I can't go.

I wish I could,
but my mother's making us

go see "The Nutcracker." So...

- I love "The Nutcracker."
- Oh, no, no, no, no!

Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
"Nutcracker."

No, the original,
the five-hour long version

that's all in Russian,
where a bunch of people die.

It's-it's awful.

- Why don't you just not go?
- Oh, God, no.

No, she would never let me
live it down.

It's much easier
to do it this way.

Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted

at the mall, I can't remember
if I actually said that

or if that's just something that
I'm dreaming about right now.

Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.

You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?

- Happy Holidays.
- Oh, my...

- Carla!
- Broke my cock!

- Just go to work.
- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

- What up, lady?
- Mom! What are you doing here?

What does it look like
I'm doing?

I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.

- Free manicure, huh?
- Yeah.

Alright. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.

- Maybe next time.
- Okay.

So, what's up?
You seein' anybody?

Well, you know,
there was a couple of things

going with some dads
from school.

But it gets complicated.

Plus, like, there is not
a better time of the year

to be single than Christmas.

I mean, it's like,
I go to the mall

and I see these, you know,
these couples walking around.

And they're, they're, like,
holding hands and...

You know,
wearing scarves

and feeding
each other sandwiches

and lookin' at jewelry,
you know...

- Alright, stop. Stop.
- What?

- You sound super lonely.
- No!

Babe, listen,
the rock and roll lifestyle

isn't for everybody.

I'm still super rock and roll.

I woke up in a park
this morning.

Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.

- Okay, those are for my kid.
- Right.

They're healthy as fuck.

Th... They say
they're heart-smart.

You really care about
your kid, don't you?

Yeah, he's my...

I mean, most... people

care about their children, mom.

Whatever, I just can't keep up

with the latest
parenting trends.

So, how you doin'?

I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I...

There is something
that I'm very excited about

which I just need
a little money for...

Here we go.

- What?
- You always do this.

What?

You show back up in my life.

You ask me for money,
I give it to you.

You gamble it all away
and you leave me and then

you just come runnin' back
asking for more.

I give it to you again
'cause I'm an idiot.

This is a legitimate

business opportunity.

How much do you need?

Not much. Like five grand.

Really. Fiv... Between five
and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Good!

Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?

Nice, classy place.

I wish I'd brought my purse.

Why do we have to go to
the "Russian Nutcracker" again?

I mean, we're not even Russian.

The "Russian Nutcracker"

is the real "Nutcracker."

Not the sellout Disney version
with all the dancing and joy.

Is it actually five hours long?

Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.

Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.

This song is called
"When Boris Gets Murdered."

It sounds like
someone's yelling at us.

Why can't we just
go do something fun?

Where are you going?
It's not left.

- The theater's to the right.
- Oh, I know.

We're not goin' to the theater.

Where are you taking us?

You'll see.

Merry Christmas, guys!
Welcome to Sky Zone!

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

- Alright, uh, three kid passes?
- Yes.

No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
actually all gonna go.

- We're all gonna do it.
- No, we're not all doing it.

It smells like diapers in here.

- Amy! You guys made it!
- Hey!

- I'm so glad you guys came!
- Oh, my God. Me, too.

I think my mother's gonna kill
me in the middle of the night.

- But it's totally worth it.
- Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

- Hi. Isis!
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Nice to meet you.

Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
I'm Carla.

Jaxon, honey,
mama needs more hooch.

- Ooh, good idea.
- Yeah.

- Top me off, babe.
- That's my son, Jaxon.

- This is my mom, Isis.
- Hello. Ruth.

- Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- Huh. Isis.

Like the terrorist organization.

- This is my mom, Sandy.
- Oh, hi, Amy.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, boy! You really have
the same haircuts.

Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.

I'm Jessie. I was literally
just in the car with you.

Come on. Who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?

Hi, Ruth.
We bought you a churro.

- You want that?
- No, thank you.

This place is fun.

I never went to a place like
this when I was a kid.

My God, no.

When I was a kid,
we would go down

to the quarry
and blow shit up.

That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?

I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.

And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life

so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.

And then I had Kiki
when I was only 18 years old.

And then Dirk died.
A long, slow, painful death.

But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.

- Where are you from, Ruth?
- Chicago.

The City of Lights!

The Windy City.

You know what they call
Bismarck?

"The City of Old White People."

You are so weird.

Ruth, did you enjoy
growing up in Chicago?

No. My mother
was a terrible woman.

- Oh.
- She once slapped me.

For wearing open-toed shoes
on a sailboat.

Well, it was
a different time then.

This was two months ago.

My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her.

But she has no idea
what I went through

with my own mother.

When I was 15,
I got my ears pierced

and she called me a whore.

And sent me away
to boarding school.

- In Croatia.
- Croatia?

- Now, that is a hard woman.
- Uh.

- Where are you from, Isis?
- I don't know, everywhere.

I never met my parents.

I basically just raised myself

using my wits and my tits.

Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.

No, dude, I was a roadie
for REO Speedwagon

for 15 years.

Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.

It's okay.
It's not a cigarette.

- You want some?
- No! Ahem!

- You want some?
- Uh, no, thank you.

- Suit yourself.
- So...

Which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?

Well, I always go
to midnight mass

at Our Mother
of Perpetual Suffering.

It's the premiere service
in the city.

- Great, I'll meet you there.
- What?

This is so nice.
Making new friends.

- Yeah.
- You guys wanna play dodgeball?

No, honey.
Grandmas don't play dodgeball.

- We should...
- What the fuck did she say?

She said, "Grandmas
don't play dodgeball."

I got it, but we play.
We play.

I'm in.

Tonight was a complete travesty.

Do you think
that was funny, Hank?

What if I changed out
your heart pills?

- Would that be funny, too?
- Oh, Jesus, babe.

I can't believe
A-Amy is actually intent

on ruining Christmas this year.

I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.

Or you could stop
fighting with her

and we could just have
a nice Christmas.

Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?

- Yeah! Oh.
- Because I don't.

I'm just trying to give
my grandchildren

the amazing Christmas
that they deserve.

This is their first Christmas
without their father.

And if it is perfect

they will know
that things are gonna be okay.

But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas

it will rattle the kids,
and they could descend

into a spiral of fear,
depression and drugs.

Okay. But the kids looked
really happy tonight.

They would have been happier

at the "Russian Nutcracker,"
Hank.

My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical.

And Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing.

And my way is better,
and my way will win.

Because my way will always win.

Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.

Hank, I am Amy's mother

and it is my job

to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.

Trust me, someday
she will thank me

in an inspirational speech
at some large public venue.

Now, are you done
ironing my pajamas, Hank?

Yes, Ruth.

They're still warm.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Thank you.

It's okay.

You're wrinkling my pajamas.

I'll get your toothbrush ready.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. No more pussies.
Please, God. No more pussies.

Uh, yeah?

Oh, hi. Uh...

Are you Carla?

Yeah, I am.

- Who are you?
- I'm Ty Swindel.

I'm here to get my balls waxed.

That's great news.

Why don't you hop
on my table, Ty Swindel?

Alright, thank you.

Okay.

So, uh, have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.

So I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.

- Great. Okay, got it.
- Yeah.

Um, so I am just gonna
remove the towel

and then we'll apply
the wax if you...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Look at the size of that thing.

This... It looks like
a parking cone.

I am so sorry.
I forgot to te...

You know,
it scares most people.

No, I'm not scared, though.
I just...

I'm gonna need a lot more...

- Just a lot more wax.
- Okay.

- So just give me one second.
- Sure.

Wow. Okay.

So, who usually
waxes your balls?

Oh, I go to a woman
in, uh, Cleveland.

- Which is where I'm from.
- No way.

- What?
- I'm from Edgewater.

- You're from Edgewater?
- Yeah.

- I'm from Tremont!
- Oh, my God. Small world.

- Unbelievable.
- That is so weird!

Like... Right?

Wow. Okay, um...

If you could just, uh,
lift that penis up for me.

Okay.

Yeah, that's great.

So, uh, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?

Well, I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.

- Nice!
- Yeah.

Okay, slight sting
on your nutsack.

So, um, how did you
get into dancing?

Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.

Of course you are.

And a few years ago

I responded to this fire
at a strip club.

And the owner comes up to me,
and he's like

"Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?"

And I'm like,
"Uh... Well, I do."

And the rest is,
the rest is history.

Wow.

That's a beautiful story, Ty.

Thank you.

Okay. Hot burn.

- So, um, holidays, huh?
- I know.

You got big plans
with your girlfriend?

I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.

Yeah, most women,
they just see me as this object

to have sex with
and then they leave. You know?

And I'm like,
"Yeah, I dance around

"in basketball sneakers
and a G-string.

It doesn't mean
I don't have feelings." Right?

Yeah.

I, uh...

I can relate.

I don't know what it is
about you, I just...

I feel like you're easy
to talk to, you know?

I can just open up.
Be myself. It's nice.

I feel the same way, Ty.

Okay, um,
I'm gonna need you

to, uh, put your heels
over your head

so I can start to go to town
on your taint and your butthole.

- Yep.
- Great. Thanks.

- Alright.
- Okay.

Let's get these
out of the way.

Right. There we go.
Great, great, great.

Carla, uh...

At the risk of sounding forward

um, would you be willing
to come with me

to my Sexy Santa
Competition tonight?

Uh, well, I-I don't date
my clients, Ty.

I have a really strict code.

Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me?

I know. And I know. And-and you
should. You should have a...

I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!

I'm waxing your butthole.

I would love to go to your show.

- You would?
- Yes!

Yes! Oh, my God.

She's funny and she's beautiful.

This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.

Well, you don't see this combo
that often, either.

So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.

It's a date.

Oh, um, do you want me
to reach down there

and-and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.

Thank you.

No one's ever asked
if they could hold

their butt crack
open for me before.

I'll hold my butt crack open
for you anytime you want, Carla.

Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel?

So what brings you
here today, Kiki?

Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.

And we would like to be...

To be closer.

No. No.

I think, uh, we would,
we would like to be

a little more independent.

Closer.

Uh, Sandy, tell me

about your relationship
with your daughter.

Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.

Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old.

And when the nurse
placed her on my breast

I looked down at her
and I said

"You are gonna be
my best friend forever."

Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?

Uh, well, you know,
we don't like to use the word

"Normal" around here.

Anyways, Kiki and I have
always been super close

because we're basically
the same age.

And then my husband died

and we became crazy close.

We went to prom together.

Wow!

Okay.

And, uh, Kiki, uh...

How does all this closeness
make you feel?

- Well...
- Well, she feels great.

Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?

- I love my mom.
- Thank you, honey.

- I really do.
- Thank you.

But sometimes,
she can be a bit much.

What?

- Like when?
- Like, uh...

When you watched Kent and I
have sex the other night.

Oh, Lord.

I just wanna know
what's going on in your life.

- Is that so wrong?
- No.

But sometimes, I just...

I'm in need of a little space.

Oh, boy. I don't know
what's happening right now.

- W-why are you turning on me?
- I'm not turning on you.

I'm just saying,
I think that we could benefit

from some boundaries, right?

I have cancer.

- Cancer?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Oh, God. What kind of cancer?

Heart... cancer.

- Heart cancer?
- Yeah.

Stage 12.

Maybe you can find it
in your non-cancerous heart

to be nice to me before I die.

I'm so sorry, mom.
I had... I had no idea.

I know. I know.

Oh, God.

Mom.

Oh, Keeks.

Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

- Okay, I don't have cancer.
- What?

I knew it.

But imagine if I did have cancer

how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?

I'm not trying
to be mean to you, mom.

I'm trying to have
an honest conversation

about our relationship.

- I have cancer again.
- No.

It doesn't work like that
a second time.

- I have polio.
- I think they cured polio.

- I have bubonic plague.
- No.

- I have shingles.
- Mom!

I have bird flu.

- Are you done?
- I have a lazy eye.

Mom!

Please, can we just talk
about our relationship?

Because I wanna work
this out with you.

Yes.

Let's do that. Yes.

- Really?
- Yes.

I wanna work this out with you.

Honestly?

I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room

and I will be right back.

Okay.

She's not coming back, is she?

No.

What is the matter with her?

- You really wanna know?
- Yeah.

Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.

But then you were born.

And you didn't sleep
for six months

so she didn't sleep
for six months.

And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat

you would barf
all over her clothes.

And that made your mom
a little crazy.

And then you fell off your bike
and you broke your arm.

And then you got bullied
in school.

And then you started dating
that weird dude

with the stick through his nose.

And all those things
made your mom

a little more crazy.

And then you got married.

And you bought a house
you can't afford.

And you're raising kids
who never say

"Please" or "Thank you."

Shit, they can't even read.

And all those things
made your mom

super-duper crazy.

And now you come
into my office, and you go

"Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?"

And the answer is...

you, motherfucker.

You made your mom crazy.

So be nice to your mom,
'cause you're the one

who fucked her shit up.

We are gonna dominate
caroling this year.

What are you wearing?

Sweetie, if you wanna win
the Caroling Cup

you have to have a theme.

Which is why we are all going

as characters
from "A Christmas Carol."

- Oh, my God!
- Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

Jane, you are the Ghost
of Christmas Present.

Oh, great.

And Amy, you're Scrooge.

Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.

I just think it's appropriate,
given how much

you seem to hate
Christmas this year.

Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

And here is
everyone's sheet music.

I'd hoped we'd all be
off-book by now.

- This is a lot of songs.
- Well...

Every home in Westbury gets to
vote on who wins the Cup.

So we have to hit at least
300 houses tonight.

Three hundred?

Don't worry. We have back-up.

Come on in, everybody.

Please welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir.

You hired ringers?

I did what I needed to do
to succeed, Amy.

You should try it sometime.

Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.

But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.

Fuck me.

Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

Read your line, Scrooge!

- Do it.
- Mm.

"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

"and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work

and I am lazy."

Please, Mr. Scrooge!

Won't you listen
to our song?

And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

♪ To you and your kids ♪

♪ Yeah good tidings
for Christmas ♪

What the fuck
is happening?

♪ Happy New Year
everybody ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪

"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work..."

Amy?

Oh, shit!

What in the fuck
are you wearing?

My mom made me wear this.

Oh, my God!
You look amazing, serious...

Honestly, this is better than
what you usually wear at school.

- Wait, guys, come here.
- No, no, guys, it's okay.

You could, you could
just stay there, it's...

This is Amy Mitchell.

She's dressed up
as an old fat man.

Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
to be Scrooge, but that's...

Don't laugh, she's my friend.
That's rude.

Honey, I'm going to Instagram
the shit out of this, right now.

- Okay, wait. Side angle.
- Oh, great!

- And this one.
- Okay, um.

Can you do a li... Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?

I'm gonna go kill myself, so...

I'll put a filter on it,
so you don't look so tired.

- Thank you for visiting, Amy!
- Bye.

I will never let you
forget this.

- You know that.
- I do.

Was that a broken dick
on her face?

Well, I thought that was
an enormous success.

Mom, this, this,
this isn't working.

- What isn't working?
- This, this.

I-I wanted a mellow Christmas

and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.

Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.

You cannot just phone it in.

I'm not,
I'm not phoning it in.

My kids told me that
they wanted a mellow Christmas.

And I promised them
that I would give it to them.

Well, of course
they told you that, Amy.

Because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.

But secretly,
they know that I'm right.

Because you know what?
I just am.

Okay.

Ha-ha! You know what?
I'm done fighting this.

I'm gonna tell you exactly

how we're doing Christmas
this year.

The kids and I
are gonna spend

the entire Christmas Eve day
sledding.

And then,
we're gonna come home

bake cookies,
and watch "Love Actually."

- Dumb movie.
- Then, Christmas morning.

Only Jessie and his daughter
are gonna come over

and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.

Who's Jessie?

Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas

until my friends
come over for dinner

when we are gonna order
Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.

- The horror.
- Ugh!

There'll be
no show-offy party

no sushi, no camels.

And definitely, definitely,
no Kenny G.

Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.

Mom, I am done with
your over-the-top Christmases.

This is my house,
and this is my life.

And if you want
to come down here

and be a part
of my family

then you have to live
by my rules.

- Okay.
- Really?

We will do it your way.

We will have
a mellow Christmas.

I hope you're happy.

I don't think you mean that.

But thank you, I am.

♪ You can have my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪

♪ Wanna give you my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪

♪ Wanna give it to you ♪

♪ If you want me to ♪♪

And it worked.

I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

I actually felt,
for the first time

my mom looked at me
as an equal.

Like maybe someday,
somehow, we could be closer.

Relax, Obama.

Your mom is still
a colossal bitch.

Don't let your guard down,
or she's gonna blow up your car.

- Alright, alright.
- I'm just saying.

Well, either way,
it was a big step.

So, I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me.

- Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
- Thank you.

You know what I think
we should do to celebrate?

Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses

take off their clothes!

♪ Give me the green light ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪

♪ Let's have a good time ♪

♪ What you waiting for? ♪

♪ We only got one life ♪

♪ And we gonna live it up ♪

Oh, yay!
I love Santa Claus.

And there's so many of them.

Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.

But, um, I'm kind of
on a first date

with one of the Santas.

- Shut up.
- Yeah.

Wait. Which one?

Santa number two.

♪ If you know what I mean
I'mma ride that mami ♪

♪ Yeah I got the key
and I'mma lock that mami... ♪♪

How'd you guys meet?

Oh, waxing his balls.

That is so romantic.

You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.

You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.

But... But Ty, he was so calm.

It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.

Whoo!

How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

Alright.

Okay, listen, ladies

I need you guys to tell me

which one of these Sexy Santas

is the sexiest of them all?

Think you're ready? Yeah!

Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.

Santa number one,
the bar is yours, sir.

Oh. That is a lot of white skin.

Okay, you know what? Alright,
alright, Santa number one.

The audience has spoken.

Thank you. Such a good sport.

Such a good sport.

Alright. Now.

Bring it to the stage,
my man

Santa number two!

Yeah! Take it off!

He's, he's really good
at stripping.

- He has such kind eyes.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck
his dick off tonight.

Put a baby in me,
Santa number two!

Whoo!

Whoo! I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.

Oh, my God.

- I think I'm in love.
- What?

I honestly think
that he's... the one.

Is that your mom?

Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is... Mom!

What, what are you doing?

- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

My mom dances this way
with everybody.

So, this doesn't bother me
at all.

Oh, my God.
His face is in her tits.

Wait. Mom.
Mom, no motorboating!

- We talked about this.
- Alright.

- It's about to get weird.
- It's game time.

- Oh, you look great!
- That's my mom.

- That's your mom?
- Yeah, that's my mom.

- Your mom?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.

I know.

You should never have to watch

your mom lick
your boyfriend's nipples.

- No.
- Mom!

What are you doing?

- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

Mom!

Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.

Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually...

- Hi.
- Oh.

- Hi. Hey.
- Here you are.

I, uh... Bag of ice for you.

- Oh.
- Thank you, Ty.

Um...

So, about tonight, um, you know

we were gonna hang out
after the show.

And, uh, I mean,
I was looking forward to it.

I was wondering if, uh...

If you're still up for it,
you know?

- Oh, Ty.
- Yeah.

Um...

- I would love to.
- Good.

But, um...

You know, I think this is

my mom's third concussion
this month and I'm just...

Wow, that's
a lot of concussions.

Better stay with her
for observation.

Yeah.

Well, um...

I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.

- Right.
- But, uh...

Think I could give you a call
next time I come into town?

Would that...
that interest you at all?

Could I do that?

- Please.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- Great.

I'd, I'd wax your balls
for free.

That is so sweet.

Well, I would really
love that, Carla.

And so would my balls.

Well. Consider it done.

And, uh...

Oh.

Sorry, I thought
you wanted to...

Merry Christmas, Carla.

Merry Christmas, Ty.

♪ Bells will be ringing ♪

♪ The glad glad news ♪

♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪

♪ You have the blues ♪

♪ My baby's gone ♪

♪ I have no friends ♪

♪ To wish me greetings ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Once again ♪♪

Okay, time for bed,
my darlings.

Tonight, I am
going to sing you

"My Heart Will Go On"

by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.

Mm-hm?

What's the matter?

Is everything okay
with you and mom?

Yeah, you guys
have been fighting a lot.

Come here and sit by me.
Both of you, come here.

Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements

about the importance
of Christmas

and what it means to be a mother

and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.

But otherwise,
everything is fine.

There's no reason
to worry, okay?

Look, I know
this is your first Christmas

since your parents got divorced.

And it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. It really is.

Well, first of all

both of your parents
still love you so very much.

And no matter what happens

I will always be there for you.

Always.

Because you're my grandkids,
and I love you

more than anything
in the whole world.

And so does Grandpa Hank.

I know his brain
is the size of a walnut

but you know,
his heart is enormous.

- Okay? Feel better?
- Yeah.

It's really nice
having you here, grandma.

- Yeah. We really miss you.
- Yeah.

Oh, I miss you, too.

Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.

Speaking of gifts,
have some iPhones.

- Nice.
- No way.

Now, get ready for bed.

And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.

I can't believe people fall
for this shit. It's so stupid.

- Yeah, I know.
- Oh wait, here comes somebody.

- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, hold on.

Hey, would you like to,
uh, donate

your canned goods to our
Christmas Canned Food Drive?

Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this.

- Bingo. She's got cans.
- Oh!

Oh, mom, look, look, look.
She's got wine.

Thank you very much
for a very generous donation

to the "Canned Christmas
Food Drive."

The children are
gonna be so happy.

Yes!

- That was a good haul, mom.
- Yeah, she had some good shit.

You know...
ripping off rich people

in front of the supermarket
with you is...

bringing back a lotta happy
Christmas memories for me.

Yeah. Me too, babe.

I miss you, you know?

I miss you, too.

It's so weird.

Yeah. Maybe we should...
spend more time together?

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

You know, when we were
at the bouncy place

with, um... what's his name?

- Oh, my son, Jaxon?
- Yeah, him.

Um, I was watching you two
and you were beating the shit

out of each other
with those sticks, and I thought

"You know, maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson."

Well, we'd, um,
we'd love to see you more.

Yeah. Okay.

You know, uh...

I've been doing
a lot of thinking

about the money
you asked me for, mom, and...

Um, I'm such an idiot.

But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and...

Eh, fuck it. Here.
It's a loan. It's a loan.

I mean, this is not everything
you asked for, but...

- Oh, no, that's great!
- Basically all I have.

Thank you so much.
This is a loan.

I will pay you back, I swear.

I really have
my shit together now.

Thanks. Whoa!

Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

Would you like to donate your
cans to our Canned Food Drive?

We're collecting
for a drive for the homeless.

- Yikes. I just bought all this.
- And the canned goods.

- You know, this is important.
- The fuck is this?

Uh, that's fennel.

- Oh, fuck it.
- So happy.

Thank you so much.

Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
coming. Code red, code red.

Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park?

- Where did we park?
- Happy Hanukkah.

- Where did we park?
- Go, go, go, go.

They just totally stole
all my shit.

Taking this, though.
This is cute, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, guys.

So since it's Christmas Eve,
everybody gets to open

one present, okay?

Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.

Please open mine first.
Please.

- I'll go first. I guess.
- Okay.

What's this?

It is a key

to my new house!

What are you talking about?

Well, after our therapy session

I felt like
we were drifting apart.

So I decided to move
closer to you guys.

Oh. Okay. Uh,
where are you moving to?

Right next door!

- Jesus.
- What?

You're moving, um,
next door to me?

Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.

So I checked it out on Zillow
and I made an all-cash offer.

And then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.

- Howdy, neighbor.
- Oh, my God.

We can dig a tunnel
between the houses. Keeks!

Oh, Keeks.

Kent, get the kids out of here.

Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
Let's get outta here.

Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
Come on, buddy.

This is gonna get ugly.

- Mom. Mom.
- What? What?

You can't live next door to me.

- Why, why not?
- Because I need space.

And t-that,
that is too close.

- I have diabetes.
- Mom, stop.

- Sit down. Sit down.
- Kiki. Kiki.

- Sit.
- Kiki.

- I've got strep throat.
- Mom.

- I might have gallstones...
- No.

- And really, Kiki, this is...
- Enough.

We need to have
this conversation.

I am a grown woman
who needs a life

that is separate from yours,
and I need you

to have a life
that's separate from mine.

I'm sorry.

Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.

You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

I know, but, mom,
this is starting

to affect my marriage.

- What?
- And my family.

- Oh.
- And my sanity.

And I just,
I need you to...

To, to just let me go
a little bit.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

I don't know, mom! Anything!
Make some friends!

You're always saying
you wanna go to Vegas

to see Wayne Newton
before he dies.

Do that! Anything!

As long as it's without me!

Without you?

Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?

I didn't... Mom.

And I really don't think
I can return that house!

- Whoo!
- Hey.

- How fun was that sledding?
- Oh, that was fun.

There is still an alarming
amount of snow

in my pants, I gotta say.

Oh, I can't wait to go home

throw on some jammies,
get comfy.

I know. It's gonna be... Oh,
look, someone's having a party.

Yeah, they are.

- Wow, that's a lot of people.
- A lot of people.

Wait.

You're having a party.

Um, is that a camel?

Yup, that's a camel.

I'm gonna kill her.

What the fuck?

What did she do to my house?

No!

Gomenasai.

Kenny G's in my den.

Mom.

You lied to me.

I did what was best
for the family.

Mom, everything that is wrong
with Christmas is in this room

and I want it all gone.

Amy, don't be ridiculous.

You can't kick Kenny G
out of the house.

He's a national treasure.

If you won't do it,
then I will.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh. Watch me.

Yo! I need you
to leave my house.

What are you talking about?

Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

- I'm still getting paid, right?
- I don't know!

Take your little flute and shoo!
Shoo, fly.

- Go make another album.
- It's not a flute, bitch.

Don't care. Thank you so much.
Thank you. You can go now.

Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you very much.
You too, my friend.

Please. No, no. Please exit.

I don't know any of you.
Please leave my house.

Farewell, see you later.
Sushi chef, you gotta go.

We're done.
You can take that plate.

Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.

Oh, my God. That's what
this is about, isn't it?

This finally makes sense.

The, the perfect decorations,
the perfect tree

whatever the hell
that thing is in my front yard.

You didn't do this for the kids!
You did this for you!

All you care about
is for people to go

"Oh, Ruth.
You're so amazing."

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Please don't leave
without taking

your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

Th-this has got to all go.
A-all of this has got to go.

Th-the swag bags,
th-the weird curtains

the floor, the tree.

Oh, God, the tree
has got to go.

No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!

- Watch me.
- No!

No!

Say goodbye to your tree,
mother!

- That's an antique!
- It's a hideous tree, mother!

- You have no idea!
- It's not even real snow!

How dare you! You know
how much that thing costs?

I don't care! Let go!

Let go! Let go!

Those were from the "Titanic!"

I don't care!

That ice was from the moon!

It was moon ice,
you nasty bitch!

Let go of the stupid tree!

Let go!

Listen, mom!

I promised my kids

I wouldn't do Christmas
like this!

Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!

It's fucking spectacular!

No, they don't!

Holy shit.

- I need you to get out.
- Amy.

I've been putting up
with your shit

my entire life.

I can't do it anymore.

I just... I can't.

I need you out of my house

and I need you
out of my life for good.

- You don't mean that.
- I really, really do.

- Amy, it's Christmas.
- Mother, get out!

Did you just kick out
grandma forever?

Guys, how long
have you been standing here?

How could you do this to us?

Guys, would you please just
trust me that it's for the best?

No, it's not!
It's the best for you.

We actually love grandma.

Yeah, she's a part of our
family, and we love her.

Yo-you don't just
kick someone out.

First, you kick dad out.
Now, you kick grandma out.

Who's next?
Are you gonna kick us out?

What, honey, no, of course not.
I would never do that.

Why do you always have
to screw everything up?

Honey...

Nice goin'.

Guys.

Guys...

So that's how it happened.

That's how I ruined Christmas.

I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom

that I lost sight
of the only thing

that actually matters.

I lost sight of my kids.

And what's worse is...

I didn't just ruin Christmas.

I ruined my family.

♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪

♪ We were not born in sin ♪

♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪

Mom?

It's Christmas Eve.

Where do you wanna get takeout?

Mom? Mom?

♪ Pack yourself
a toothbrush dear ♪

♪ Pack yourself
a favorite blouse ♪

♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪

♪ Take all
of your savings out ♪

♪ 'Cause if we don't
leave this town ♪

♪ We might never make it out ♪

♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪

♪ We were not born in sin ♪

♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪

♪ Let your mother know
you're safe ♪

♪ And by the time she wakes ♪

♪ We'll have driven
through the state ♪

♪ We'll have driven
through the night ♪

♪ Baby come on ♪♪

Hey.

Oh, hello.

Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.

I really didn't.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

What's up, bitches?

Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.

Isis is here.

- Hi, Isis.
- Hey.

Well, I must say,
I didn't expect you

to be the church-going type.

Well, I'm,
I'm workin' out some shit.

Plus, all the bars are closed.

Oh, you guys.

I could really use some
churchin' tonight.

You know what I mean?

- No.
- Nope?

Well, today my daughter told me
she needed "More space."

I don't even know
what that's supposed to mean.

Yeah, well,
my daughter just kicked me

out of her life forever.

Why?

Because I push her
to be the best

and she can't handle it.

Of course, my mother
pushed me twice as hard

and I turned out amazing.

But I guess not everyone
is as incredibly strong as I am.

Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.

But you would not believe
how mad she got

when I told her I bought
the house next to hers.

What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?

- Yeah, I did.
- Did you ask her first?

No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.

Yeah, that might be a bit much.

Dude, that is fucking psycho.

Well, at least
I love my daughter.

You only visit Carla
when you need money.

Uh, no, that is not true.

I visit her on other occasions

like when I'm hiding
from someone.

Oh, just admit it, Isis.

You're a degenerate gambler

with a third-grade education

and a cheap weave.

This is my own hair, okay?

And you're a terrible mother.

- Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
- No, I'm serious.

You think that
you are so perfect.

But you are the worst mom
of all of us.

- Well, I don't know...
- Okay, okay.

Second worst, whatever.
But the point is

that you're one of those moms
that you, you dress so perfectly

and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food.

And, and you have
all your own teeth.

But you know what? You suck.

You suck at all the shit
that really matters.

And I even can see it,
and I'm stoned all the time.

Please, you don't know
the first thing about me.

Well, if you're
such an awesome mom

why did your daughter
kick you out

of her life forever?

In your face.

And you know what,
I have done horrible stuff

to my daughter,
really horrible shit.

And she has never
kicked me out. Never.

So you just take that
and you roll it up real tight

and you shove it up your ass.

Okay.

We've all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

You bet.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Well, I heard what happened.

Hmm.

You doin' okay?

I don't know.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

How do you take it?

Take what?

Living with mom.

I mean, s-s-she's so bossy

and controlling and...

Oh, my God, she's so vain.

I mean, she spends all her time

you know, creating this,
this perfect image of herself

just so she can
lord it over people.

Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

Oh, come on, she, she wears

a princess outfit
at least once a month.

You're probably
never gonna believe this.

But your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.

My mother?

- Ruth?
- Yes.

- Redmond? Huh.
- Yes.

She never shows
anyone except for me.

But beneath that tough exterior
is a scared little girl

whose mom
never really loved her.

Oh, come on, dad.

You know her mother.

Nothing your mom does

is ever good enough
for that woman.

She makes your mom
feel worthless

every single day
of her life.

So that's why it's
so important to your mom

to make everything perfect.

It's not because she's vain.

It's, it's, it's...
You know, it's because

when someone tells her
she's got the most amazing

Christmas tree on the block, it
makes her feel just for a second

like she's not worthless.

Like she's, she's actually
good at something.

Like she's, like she's loved.

Why does she take it
out on me then?

Because you know what
she's most insecure about?

Mm...

Bein' a mom.

I-I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me...

"Did I do a good job
raising Amy?

Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?"

She really asked that?

Sweetheart, she loves you

more than anything in the world.

She's just got a...

a deeply fucked up way
of showing it.

Yeah.

Look, I've been married
to your mother for 36 years.

Hm.

And she is a pain in the ass
even on a good day.

But you know what?

I love her more now than I did
the day we got married.

Because I know the real her.

And if you can find it
in your heart to forgive her

and get to know her
like I know her...

you might just find
that there is a funny

sweet, beautiful person
hiding inside there.

Did you say "Sweet?"

Okay, a funny, beautiful person
hiding in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know where she is?

It's Christmas Eve.

♪ And the mountains in reply ♪

♪ Echoing their
joyous strains ♪

♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪

Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪♪

Hey, mom.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Sandy.

- I'm Kiki's mom.
- Yes, I know.

- Nice to see you again.
- How you doin'?

Hey, wow, look at that.

All of you are here. Okay.

And what are you
doing here, Amy?

I, um...

I actually came to apologize

for kicking you out
of the house.

You're my mom,
and that was a little harsh.

It certainly was.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, psycho bitch

your daughter just
apologized to you.

You're now supposed to say
"I'm sorry" to her.

That's the way human beings
talk to each other.

Yeah.

I'm also basically sorry.

Okay, good. That was good.

Now, tell her
what you're sorry for.

You got this.

It is possible
that I should not

have thrown a secret
Christmas party at your house.

Obviously, you made
an incredible number

of bad decisions
this Christmas as well.

But... for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me

I am... I am
generally... apologetic.

Okay.

Thank you.

Mom, I know that that was

really, really hard
for you to say.

I-it actually really was.

And, um... you know what?

I just, I want you
to know that I finally

understand why you're like this.

And I need you to know...
that I love you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't think
that you're worthless.

I think you're fucking amazing.

Why are you saying this?

And no matter
what anyone says...

I think you're a great mom.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I loved my childhood.

I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.

And you always pushed me
to do better.

And were you perfect?

- Yes.
- No.

But none of us are.

So, I just...

I really want you
to know... that you did great.

That's the nicest thing that
anyone has ever said to me.

I mean, I...

I actually think that
you're a really wonderful mom.

I mean, your kids are so happy.

They're so sweet
and they love you so much.

- Thank you.
- I mean, I wish...

I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.

We still can, mom.

Wow, I'm just not
very good at this, Amy.

But I just love you so much.

I love you so much. I do.

- God.
- Oh, my God.

You're a train wreck.

Well, it's a very complicated

relationship between
a mother and a daughter.

But these two...

They've got it together.

- I know. I know, babe.
- Finally.

Yeah. Okay. Here.

- Do you want some this?
- Yes.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

Okay, mom?

Mom, is it midnight already?

Well, yeah.

We gotta save Christmas.

Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪
- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Whoa jingle bells
jingle bells ♪

- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- ♪ Jingle jingle ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Hey jingle bells
jingle bells ♪

- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- ♪ Jingle jingle ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪

Oh, my God!
This is amazing.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Mom, you really
did a lot of work.

I had a little help.

Merry Christmas, children.

Grandma.

Oh! Go open your presents.

I got you seasons one through
six of "The Walking Dead."

- Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
- Thanks, grandma.

I'll get it.

Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas!

Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

- Merry Christmas, Ruth.
- Merry Christmas, Jesus.

Uh, it's, it's Jessie.

Wow, you have
really broad shoulders.

Amy, feel his shoulders.

Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.

Thank you. Get in.

Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.

I love you, girl.

Merry Christmas, Kiki.

Merry Christmas, mom.

Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?

- Sort of.
- Thank you.

I just wanted to let you know

that I have put the house

next door on the market.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I really appreciate that.

I know I can be a little
psycho sometimes.

And I know you need your space.

Which is why I bought the house
across the street.

No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
the house across the street.

I bought the house
down the street.

- What?
- No.

I'm gonna move into your attic.

- Mom! Seriously.
- Kiki, what?

Where are you living?

I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
where I belong.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I just...

I really miss your dad
on Christmas.

I do too.

Yeah.

I do too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, mom.

Hey, mom,
look what Santa got me.

A used baseball glove.

Oh, that's great, buddy.

I used to have one just like it.

Is that Santa?

Why would it be Santa, honey?

Remember, Santa came last night.

Can I come in?

Hm.

Um, alright, I know I haven't

been the best mother
in the world.

But you... somehow just
turned out really good.

Um, and, Carla, I just...

I wanna be more like you.

So, I've given up gambling...

- Mom.
- On horses.

And I'm gonna pay you back every
cent that I borrowed from you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know, I got a fucking job.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No!

They hired me to be in charge
of children's safety.

Why would
they let you do that?

I don't even know
how I passed the drug test.

- Seriously?
- They're crazy.

And with what they're paying me,
I think I can pay you back

in about 245 years.

Wait, does this mean
you're gonna... stick around

for a while?

If it's cool with you, yeah.

Mom.

It's all I've ever wanted.

Well, I'll stay
as long as you want me to.

Mom.

Mom, also I got
a box of Ziploc bags.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Candles burnin' low ♪

♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪

♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪

♪ Everywhere we go ♪

♪ Choir singing carols ♪

- Shaobing for everybody.
- Bing with everybody but me.

♪ All these things and more ♪♪

God, Chinese food on Christmas.

I feel like such a Jew.

Would you like some shaobing?

Oh, you know I would.

No, honey,
that is Ruth's husband.

Oh, honestly, have at it.

Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.

Oh.

I love this.

Guys, I can't believe
that we're eating Chinese food

for Christmas dinner
and my mother is loving it.

I can't believe my mom's not
wearing a sweatshirt.

- With my face on it.
- Guys, we did it.

We actually took
Christmas back this year.

You know what? I couldn't
have done it without you girls.

- Oh!
- Ladies, I love you.

- We love you back.
- Same here.

Hi, is, um...

- Is Carla here?
- Yes!

Ty Swindle.

How did you find me?

- I just looked for you.
- Hi.

Well, there are so many things
I wanna say to you right now.

Just say it.

I feel like it's better
if I, I do it through

the universal language
of dance.

- Shut up.
- Yes!

- What dancing?
- Christmas dancing.

Oh, Ty!

♪ Well I'm feeling ♪

♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪

♪ Got my music on the radio ♪

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God.

♪ Well I'm feeling
mighty nice Lord ♪

♪ Got my music on the radio ♪

That's beautiful, Ty.

♪ Feel like I wanna
kiss you baby ♪

♪ Standin' underneath
that mistletoe ♪

Oh, my fucking God.

Turn her around.
Turn her around.

It's okay,
just turn her around.

♪ Maybe left all them good
presents for my baby ♪

♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪

♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪

♪ You surely treat me nice ♪♪

Okay, alright,
that's great.

Okay, we're done.
That was amazing.

Thank you so much.

Just go for it, dude.

Oh, baby, don't cry.

Phew! He's so hot.

- That's my son.
- Yeah?

- Hey, man.
- Right there.

- That's Jaxon.
- Hey, there. How are you?

- Nice to meet you.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'll take you right in there.
- I love you.

I love you.

- Phew!
- Whoo!

Oh, we better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.

- What flight?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.

And we're gonna see
Wayne Newton before he dies.

Whoo!

The three of you are going
to Vegas together?

Yeah, well,
we're best friends now.

Well, we're, we're new friends.

We're best friends.

Yeah, we're new friends.

Anyways,
Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hank, get all our bags.

- ♪ I do what I want ♪
- ♪ She does ♪

♪ Say what you say ♪

♪ I work real hard everyday ♪

♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪

♪ Baby alright ♪

♪ I don't need a man ♪

♪ To be holding me too tight ♪

♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪

♪ Baby that's right ♪

♪ I'm just having fun with
my ladies here tonight ♪

♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪♪

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Subtitles by explosiveskull
Resync by GoldenBeard

♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪

♪ You're on my naughty list ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪

♪ You know
I got to tell you girl ♪

♪ You're something special ♪

♪ The way I feel babe ♪

♪ Gotta have you ♪

♪ Right here with me ♪

♪ I will never let you go ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ You stuck with me
through the times ♪

♪ I didn't have it ♪

♪ Now we got something good ♪

♪ You can have the plastic ♪

♪ And anything you want
you can have it ♪

♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ You're always
working hard girl ♪

♪ Tonight
we're taking off girl ♪

- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪

- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪

♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪

♪ Baby take your time with me ♪

♪ I'm your gift
unwrap me slowly ♪

♪ The fireplace is burnin'
perfect time to... ♪

♪ Girl I got something
special for you ♪

♪ Girl I gotta be ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I don't wanna spend
this Christmas ♪

♪ Without you letting
me feel ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Your Santa baby ♪

♪ Santa baby ♪

♪ Tonight tonight ♪

- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪

♪ Come home tonight ♪

- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪

- ♪ I wanna be ♪
- ♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
your Santa Claus ♪

♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪♪

♪ I do my hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Whoo girl need to kick off
your shoes ♪

♪ Got to take a deep breath
time to focus on you ♪

♪ All the big fights long
nights that you been through ♪

♪ I got a bottle of tequila
I been saving for you ♪

♪ Boss up and change
your life ♪

♪ You can have it all
no sacrifice ♪

♪ I know he did you wrong
we can make it right ♪

♪ So go and let it
all hang out tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause he don't
love you anymore ♪

♪ So walk your fine ass
out the door ♪

♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Listen ♪

♪ If he don't
love you anymore ♪

♪ Then walk your fine ass
out the door ♪

♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪

- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪

- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪

♪ Feeling good as hell ♪♪

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org