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Pete, beer me
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Sharon...
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.SubtitleDB.org today
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YOU'RE WELCOME!
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THANK YOU!
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Lets go guys, I'm double-parked, and the ambulance driver's gettin' ticked!
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Shhh! Just wait
This is important
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It's Xena
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- The Warrior Princess. She's unbelievable
- Yeah, I'll say. It's 16:03 and she's got implants
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And right now they're in peril
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Which is why the Celtics are the single greatest franchise in NBA history!
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Hey, now we have something to celebrate
That is the one thousandth time you've told me that!
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Come on, Berg, let's go, let's go, let's go!
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- Pete, the game doesn't start for over two hours!
- Yeah, I know, but you need to be there for warm-ups!
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- Why?!
- 'Cause, we're playing the Bulls!
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The Celtics...are playing the Bulls
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You...didn't make the team
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Okay, can we please go??
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- You watch the Celtics, I'll watch Xena, and we'll meet up later
- Berg, what are you talking about? You have to go!
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Double-parked!! Ambulance still blocked!!
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They're sliding in the gurney!!
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Berg, you have to go
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And believe me, I'd love to, but...Xena really needs me
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Look, Berg, I promise
This time you'll have fun!
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That's what you said last time
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Well, I'm sorry, you just weren't showing enough Celtic pride!
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It was an exhibition game! Against the Globetrotters!
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They were supposed to lose!!
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- Still, I think that the team needed your support --
- Pete, let's face it
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You suck the fun right out of it!
I mean, when the Celtics win, you're an obnoxious, babbling fool -- and if they lose, you pout for three hours and listen to...Air Supply!!
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We're not gonna lose!!
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*We*...are not playing
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We're just sitting there, eating and drinking, for two hours, while you pretend you're the coach from seventy-five rows back
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Ha ha! Atta boy Berg, keep that fire up!!
Okay, team!
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- Let's get 'em!!
- Woooo! Celtics!
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Green fingernail polish, that's a start
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Okay, I'm wearing green panties!
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Oh, c'mon, Berg, Berg, Berg...
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I need you there...
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All right, just stop giving me this 'Spanky forgot to feed Petey' look
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I'll be there for tip-off
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Berg, we - are - gonna - have a - great - time!
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Ha, ha...
Go away
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Well, today...we learned all about the letter 'B'
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We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead
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Oh? Well, I learned all about the letter 'S' today
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That I'm a self-serving sellout who's giving our environment a super slaughtering
All, for a sports car and a salary!
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That was excellent!
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- You know, I envy you
- Yeah, right...
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No, I'm serious. I mean, you wake up every morning looking forward to your job
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- Yeah, for the most part
- You come home everyday feeling good about yourself
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- I try
-
You make a difference in kids' lives!
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- I make $18,000 a year
- Ewwww!
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Hey! Snacks!
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C'mon, c'mon, DEFENSE!
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Thanks -- Come on, pick it up!
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- Lanes! Lanes! Why aren't they staying in the lanes?!
- I don't know, I'm sorry!
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- Oh, hey Pete look!
- What, what, what, what??
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There, there, there! Way, way down there! I think it's a basketball game!!
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All right, look, there is no such thing as a bad seat at a Celtic game
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Yeah, sure -- because two miles below us is the single greatest franchise in NBA history
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Yeah, the Bulls
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Come on, come on -- slow it up!
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SLOW IT UP!!
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Yeah, see, see?
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This is why these are the best seats in the house! Up near the rafters, next to the Celtic championship banners
*this* is where the real diehards are
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Isn't he cute??
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Come on -- Murphy was all over him!!
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- DEFENSE!! DEFENSE!!
- Not now
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We have the ball
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Man, I can't believe Berg is missing this!
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One...more time, and the Tooth Fairy's gonna owe you 24 bucks!
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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a welcome to this evening's lucky ticket holder, who will watch tonight's game from the Celtic bench..
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Mr. Michael Bergen!
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No, no, no, no! No! He didn't even want to come!
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Hi Pete! I made it!
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- Worst game I ever saw in my life
- What, are you kidding?! They won with a three-pointer at the buzzer
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Listen to me!
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Hey, hey!
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There he is! My man, Berg -- the Celtics' sixth man out of Beacon Street Pizza!!
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Bill...BILL! It's okay...let's not make it a big thing
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Do you believe it? You, the biggest Celtic fan in the world, and Berg winds up on the bench
Heh-heh!
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Bill, you have a keen sense of irony
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All right, what's with him?
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I think he's still a little miffed at Berg's big ol' Mardi Gras head on the scoreboard
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The Jumbotron adds four hundred pounds to your face!
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Oh, I think it's past somebody's bedtime...
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Look, Pete...I tried to get you down there with me
I begged the PR guy, only I didn't know where you were sitting
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Did you ever think of looking at the ticket?
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He took the ticket once he knew that I was...well, the lucky one
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- Honey, you can't blame him for being the lucky one!
- Yeah, but I can hate him for it
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This behavior right here is *exactly* why I wanted to stay home
Pete, look me in the eye and tell me you're really upset
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- I think I see a smile coming on!
- Nooo!
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Heh, heh, heh
and you sat right next to Larry Bird!
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Your favorite player
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Bill, do you have some kind of stake in pissing Pete off?
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Heh, heh... LARRY BIRD! Heh, heh, heh...
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Well, Larry now coaches another team, but...they had the night off
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Really? I wasn't aware of that
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Go on, Berg! Go on!
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Tell him! Tell him what you talked to Larry Bird about for two hours! Tell him!
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Well, strangest thing
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Larry and I both went to Camp Pomahack
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But get this
The Camp Pomahack Larry went to was in Indiana
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Mine...was in Albany!
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Two Camp Pomahacks!
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I don't care! Anybody?
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Pete, I found you that photo of Larry Bird on the Mike Douglas show...
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My life is now complete
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Hey, wait! Charo! And Gabe Kaplan!
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I can't believe you got to sit on the bench
Man, you had thousands of Celtics fans cheering you on
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It meant *nothing* to you. Berg, I've been dreaming of that my whole life
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I had a dream once...
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to dance. I wanted so badly to join in this one company I could taste it.
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Sure enough, one thing led to another
I got the audition of a lifetime
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It didn't end there, did it?
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Why, no
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With my unique blend of classical ballet and raw stripper moves
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I got them dancing on their chairs
Best of all, I never had to go back to that damn welding job!
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What a feeling!
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Okay, that's it
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- Look, we're staying at your place tonight
- Okay, sweetie, that's fine
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Uh, night, you guys...it was...really fun
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Okay...can you believe the fart she cut in the car?!
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Forget her...is Pete acting out or what?
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Oh, come on Berg
Whether you mean to or not you ruined it for him!
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- I didn't even want to go!
- Well...maybe you can figure out some way to make it up to him
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What would Xena do?
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Now...is it just me, or is he dancin'...like he's never...danced before?
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Berg?
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Berg! Huh
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BERG!!!!!
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This is great
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I knew you'd love it
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Berg, this is, without a doubt, the best gift I have ever gotten
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Naaah...
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How on earth did you get it?
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Remember the MacGyver when he had to get into that federal vault using only a stapler and a Q-Tip?
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YES!
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This is amazing! It's fantastic!
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It's a felony!
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Only if they find out
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Berg, this has to go back
It belongs to the Celtics!
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- Says who?
- Says the banner
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Berg, look, they earned it, not me
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Oh, I get it. So all of a sudden you're...*not* on the team
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C'mon Berg, get real
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Think of all the aggravation you've been through watching their games
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You're telling me
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Think of the hours you've spent...in line, waitin' for tickets in the snow
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Yeah..
One time, I got home, and my body temperature was seventy
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Pete, you deserve this as much as anyone...
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..and on behalf of the Boston Celtics organization, I hereby...want you to have this
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Berg, I don't know...
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Pete, come on, it's just a glorified bedspread!
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They'll never know it's gone!
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More on the outrage sweeping Boston over the championship banner stolen last night. We go now to Jeff Colly with tonight's top sports story. Jeff?
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A city violated -- legions of Celtic faithful are carrying signs, pleading for the return of the 1981 championship banner
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Some offer forgiveness for its safe return, but threats of retaliation can also be heard
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Do you believe this?
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What?
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Some lunatic broke into the Fleet Center last night and stole the '81 championship banner
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From the Celtics?
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No, from Cirque De Soleil
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- Bill, I'm sure it was just a prank
- Yeah, I'll give you a prank
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When they catch this clown, his face goes right up on my dart board, which means banned from Beacon Street Pizza.
This boy will *never* get a slice of pie, anywhere!
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Bill, there's other pizza joints in Boston
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Oh, what, you don't think I talk to Little Caesar's?
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Or Domino's?
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Or The Hut?
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Hey, we're all connected -- www.atsatastypizza.com
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So, Bill
What's the uh, big reward?
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Small pizza and a medium beverage!
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I'm sure they'll just make a new one
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Make a new one...you just don't make a new one! That's like Xeroxing the Mona Lisa!
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No, these people should be caught and strung up by their go-betweens!
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Maybe we should keep this to ourselves?
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All right, which one of you boneheads took my hair dryer?!
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Oh...my...God...BERG!!!!!
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What kind of *creep* would steal a Celtic banner?
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I don't know about you, but I can't go to work today...
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Can I talk to you guys for a sec?!
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She knows
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- She does?
- Play dumb
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We are dumb
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Are you guys nuts?!
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I'm Nuts...
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This is my partner, Pretzels
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What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
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You know what's gonna happen when you get caught?!
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Caught for what?
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Oh, cut the crap! You are not dealing with normal people here!
These people are sports fans
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These people barbecue in their cars!
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- Okay, well that's why we're not going to tell anyone!
- You have to give it back!
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But Sharon, it's in poor taste to return a gift
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Thanks to you guys, I'm now an accomplice!
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- Why are you an accomplice??
- Because, I now know who stole it!
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- Who asked you to go to our apartment?
- Who asked you to steal my hair dryer?!
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Who asked you to take it back!
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I WASHED MY HAIR!
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And that's *our* fault?!
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Don't *ever* do that again!
203
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I stole something once
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- Mr. Bauer, nobody stole anything
- It was me and the Nazis, in a race against time
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The future of mankind depended on me retrieving the Ark of the Covenant
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Excuse us...
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Get back here!
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You were saying?
209
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A word of advice: Do not open that chest
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It has unspeakable powers that no man was meant to possess
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What do you think of the hat?
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Berg, why can't we just drop it and run?
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Because, then we won't get a reward
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Wait...I have a bad feeling about this
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You had a bad feeling about Shopping Cart Polo
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Yeah, and I broke my wrist!
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Yeah, and you met a nurse!
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We're gonna get caught
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- Trust me, okay?
- Berg..I like my go betweens
220
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You're forgetting
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We're the guys who recovered the Ark of the Covenant!
222
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Okay, we're going to go to jail!
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No, no, no...
I'll go to jail, you'll wind up with the lucky prison number and they'll send you on a cruise
224
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- Just relax
- Berg, I don't think you realize how cute we look to larger men!
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And from the fans! Hell, you'd think I stole the damn thing!
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No, how 'bout *you* come up with a positive spin to put on this thing, and when you do I'll name a candy bar after you?
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I don't know, nuts, nougat...look, leave me alone!
228
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Whaddya want?
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- Remember me? You walked me down to the bench?
- Oh, yeah -- the lucky ticket guy
230
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,997
What's that, a four thousand calorie thank you note?
231
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,793
Perfect, I'll die tonight and won't have to come in tomorrow
232
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:25,087
You're gonna love this...
233
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:33,303
Thank God!! Where'd you get it?!
234
00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:34,596
We found it!
235
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,182
-You *found* it?!
- Yes we did!
236
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:40,310
Well, listen, it was really nice meeting you. Take care
237
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:43,647
- And wait 'til you hear how we got it!
- Oh, God...
238
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,149
Go ahead, tell me...
239
00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:48,652
Berg, it's such a boring story...
240
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:50,654
This man is too modest
241
00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:59,037
After the game, we ran into a group of Bulls fans in a bar
242
00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:02,749
And they were bragging about how they stole the banner
243
00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:07,754
So we followed them out to a car and there they were, tying it around a big rock
244
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,631
And they were taunting it
245
00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:14,511
Sure !
246
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:21,351
So we tailed them over to the BU bridge, where they stopped, and hurled it into the Charles River
247
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,270
SPLASH!
248
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:35,699
Pete here...overcoming his childhood fear of water, dove into the river, and saved the banner
249
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,243
Soo...
250
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:41,288
What do we get?
251
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,001
What a great story!
252
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,670
Now, uh, let me get this straight
253
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,132
You stole the banner, got scared, and brought it back
254
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,596
Yes, sir
255
00:18:59,473 --> 00:18:59,973
Security!
256
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,601
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?
257
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,062
We didn't steal it
258
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,358
I...stole it
259
00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:10,734
For him
260
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:16,865
You see this guy here? This *is* a Celtics fan
261
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:22,746
This guy sits in the seventy-fifth row he can barely make out the players, much less the court
but he is there
262
00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,666
Two hours early, for warm-ups
263
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,961
Well, you know they play the way they practice...
264
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:38,220
And he turned a guy who couldn't care less about the Celtics into a real fan
265
00:19:39,096 --> 00:19:40,013
Really?
266
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:43,267
Oh, Pete, when you see a game from the bench like that...
267
00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:45,686
Where the hell's security?
268
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:50,774
- Okay, look! Look, I don't want to tell you your job, but you're a PR guy, right?
- Yeah..
269
00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:57,656
And you can either vilify the most dedicated fan in history,
270
00:19:58,282 --> 00:20:01,493
or you can turn him into a hero
271
00:20:02,995 --> 00:20:09,126
After all, I mean, isn't that what Celtic tradition's all about, making heroes?
272
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,298
That...is the biggest crock I've ever heard
273
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,468
But I think I can sell it and save all our asses!
274
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,644
How come you can never find the organ player?
275
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:34,234
This is -- this is unbelievable! Look, the parquet floor!
276
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,194
Butter
277
00:20:37,196 --> 00:20:41,992
- Hey, Pete. I thought you said the best seats are up there?
- Up there are the best seats...
278
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:46,663
If you're up there. But, down here this is heaven
279
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:50,375
Only you can commit larceny and wind up with floor seats
280
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:53,795
Look, we're up by twelve
281
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:55,672
We?
282
00:20:56,298 --> 00:21:09,937
Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please. The Boston Celtics would like to give a warm welcome to the young man who recovered the 1981 Celtic championship banner, Mr. Pete Dunville!
283
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:27,287
Hello? Oh hey Lar
284
00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:28,914
- Who's that?
- Larry Bird
285
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:32,334
Larry, Larry, Larry. Larry let it go
286
00:21:33,794 --> 00:21:37,506
-Berg, give me the phone! - We had archery, Larry
287
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:38,715
Give me the phone!!
288
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:40,050
Well, so what?
289
00:21:40,050 --> 00:21:41,677
- Berg!
- Field hockey is for sissies!
290
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:43,929
Berg, give me the phone! I want to talk to him!
291
00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:50,775
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