All language subtitles for Mom.S07E16.HDTV.x264-SVA[eztv]

Hey, guys, check it out.

"Wendy Harris,
Nurse Supervisor."

You got a promotion?

Your last name
is Harris?

I'm so happy, I'm not even
gonna let that bother me.

- Aw, good for you.
- Congratulations!

You work so hard,
you deserve this.

Are you being
sarcastic?

Not at all.

In fact, I would like
to propose a toast

- to our dear friend...
- Please don't ruin this for me.

I'm being sincere.

Are you?

Yes!

I'm genuinely proud of her.

Mom, stop.
You're not fooling us.

Fine.
It was exhausting, anyway.

Well, now this is
officially a celebration.

Order whatever you want.
It's on us.

Thanks, I'm just
gonna have soup.

Soup?
I say go big or go home.

Get the sicken cheeser.

What's a sicken cheeser?

I meant the chicken Caesar.

Damn it, I keep
flipping my words.

I know... you did it twice
during your share today.

You sounded cricken frazy.

I don't know
what's going on.

Maybe it's 'cause
I'm not sleeping.

Is that 'cause you and Andy
are "takin' care of bidness"?

No, it's 'cause no matter
how low I set the thermostat,

I still wake up like
I just walked out of a sauna.

From "takin' care
of bidness"?

Sweetie? Watch
some porn or something.

I do. It doesn't help.

Have you seen your doctor?
Maybe you're in perimenopause.

Maybe you are, bitch.

Sorry. I've also
been irritable.

You know, I usually have nothing
but love for you in my heart,

but calling Wendy
a "B" on her special "D"

is totally "NC."

Not Cool.

You're right.
Let me make it up to you.

After the meeting
this Friday,

I'll take us all
to my club for lunch.

Thanks, Jill.
That's so nice of you.

And for what's it's worth,

I still think going
to your doctor is a good idea.

Well, keep it to yourself,
you toothless old dragon.

I'm... I'm gonna call
my doctor now.

Yeah.

*MOM
Season 07 Episode 16

Title: "Judy Garland and
a Sexy Troll Doll"

I've never been to a
country club before.

I mean, once I ran naked
across a golf course.

It's so much further than
you think it's gonna be.

Hi. My name is Bonnie,
and I look fabulous.

Hi. My name is
Christy, and...

yeah...

Hey, did you guys check out
the menu for the club?

We looked it up online.

Lot of shellfish.

You know that
ribeye for two?

If I get it for myself,
would you guys judge me?

Well, I hope you're happy.
I just went to my doctor,

and it turns out
I am in peri-meni-pause.

Peri-meno-pause.

Do not correct a woman
in peri-meni-pause.

Oh, uh, look, honey,
we all go through it.

It's natural.

Since when do I care
about natural?

I have worked so hard
to stay sober

so that I can be in control
of what I say and what I do

and what I throw
across the room.

And now, just when I'm feeling
like I got it all together,

my hormones are like, "Screw
you! I'm your higher power now!"

I'm not sure if I went
through perimenopause.

I was in prison
at the time.

Everyone was hot, cranky
and throwin' stuff.

And by "stuff,"
I mean people.

The doctor said
this could last a decade.

A decade!

We're moving.

Well, it's usually
much shorter than that.

I had a few mild symptoms
and then boom, over.

And I've really felt like I
was in my power ever since.

Plus, no more condoms.

Oh, good.
Remind me that my baby-maker's

going out of business.

Right when I finally have a guy

I might actually want
to make a baby with.

Sorry, could you repeat
what you just said?

'Cause I went deaf
when Marjorie said "condoms."

Are you sure we can't sit down,
maybe get started

with a little pickle plate
or something?

As I told you before,
I can't seat your party

until the club member arrives.

And as I told you before,

okay, we'll be right over there.

Christy, you've been
kind of quiet.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just got some bad news.

I don't want to make it
about me.

It's Wendy's day. Wait for it.

It's just, I didn't get picked
for moot court.

What's that? They make believe
they're lawyers.

How am I ever gonna be taken
seriously as a lawyer

if I can't even
make moot court

at a law school
next to a car wash?

I don't know where
I went wrong.

I put my name in early,
I sucked up to the professors,

and I can see you
in the mirror!

And I see you, too.
Hi.

It's Jill.

She's not coming.

- Seriously?
- What?! - Aw.

She is, and I quote,

"going home to have Andy
put a baby in it."

What about
our lunch?

She says she'll
make it up to you.

Well, now you've already
seen me in this dress.

It's my first time
wearing coral.

Hang on.

Hello, sir.

Would you like to have lunch
with five beautiful women?

There won't be
a big bar bill!

Hi.

Hi. What are you
doing home?

I thought you were having
a big lunch for Christy.

- Wendy.
- They all kind of blend.

By the way,
thanks for always having

bread and ham
in your house.

- Oh, it's 'cause I love you.
- Oh.

You know,
if you really love me,

you could spring
for some Miracle Whip.

I know. Girls hate it,
but guys love it.

Sure. And in return,
can we make a baby?

I know. Guys hate it,
but girls love it.

Wha... uh...

What?

Here's the thing.

- What?
- Well...

it's just that we have been
together for almost a year now,

and I'm not getting any younger,
so, you know... baby.

I'm gonna sit down
for a second.

- Is that a no?
- No, you know, it's just

I-I came here to make
lunch... had a little bit

of an issue with
the sandwich spread.

That was gonna be my...

big dilemma o' the day.

Well, now it's: should we
or shouldn't we make a person.

What do you think?

Jill, I, um...

I'm sorry, I-I didn't see
this coming on so quick.

You know how
on our first date,

you said, "What are you,
like, 35?" and I just smiled?

I'm 40.

And 18 months.

Okay.

But I think I'd be a great mom.

And I know
ou'd be a great dad.

I mean, you're so strong.

Just think how high
you could toss a baby.

I would never toss a baby.

Look at you.
You passed the test!

Let's get to breedin'.

Okay, uh, listen...

babe, I-I get that
your clock is ticking,

but I'm-I'm just...

I'm not sure that we're...

there yet.

Oh.

You're right.

You're right.
Forget I brought it up.

That's not you, is it?

What?

Nothing. I just love

the one night a week
the bar is closed

and we get to go to bed
at the same time.

Me, too. I get to read a little.

Oh, wait, was that code? 'Cause
if it's code, just say so.

No, no code.

Just as well.

This book is about
to unlock the mystery

of compound interest
for me.

Can you rub
some lotion on my back?

Uh, sure. Wait, is this code?

Nothing is code.
Oh, okay.

Do you ever wonder what
it would be like if we'd a kid?

We'd be in The
Guinness Book of World Records,

so that'd be sweet.

I mean if we'd met during
our childbearing years.

Yeah, I guess
it's crossed my mind.

We'd be the coolest parents.

And as a result,
our kid would be spectacular.

He'd probably be tall,
which is great.

"He." I like that.

I already ruined a she.

He'd be funny.

- He'd be outgoing.
- Mm.

He'd have the hair
of a sexy Troll doll.

And I guess he'd say what he
thinks whenever he felt like it

no matter how hurtful.

And I guess he'd also
be super sensitive.

Which is better than him
being super insensitive.

Well, he'd also be
passive-aggressive.

And likely have
addiction issues.

And be in a wheelchair.

Yeah, snowboarding off
a cliff isn't hereditary.

Is always needing
to feel right hereditary?

If it is,
our kid is doomed.

Yeah, I'm starting
to not like our son.

Yeah, he does sound
like a bit of a douche.

But I'll tell you one thing:
with you as a father,

he'd be gorgeous.

Thanks.

What are you doing?
That was code.

Wha...? Oh.

How was school?

Did you ask your professor

why you didn't get
chosen for mute court?

Mootcourt, and I don't
want to talk about it.

- Okay.
- Really?

You're walking away?

That was clearly
a cry for help.

So, you-you want
to talk about it?

Oh, my God, no.

Exciting news, people.

Andy put a baby in it?

Not yet and maybe not soon
and maybe not ever,

so,
I'm gonna freeze my eggs.

Good for you, taking matters
into your own hands.

Exactly.

Freezing eggs
is like freezing time.

I can thaw them out,
hit them with a dash of sperm

and use them
whenever I'm ready.

Isn't that
really expensive?

Yeah, well,
I thought so, too,

but it's only $30,000.

I've already been
to the doctor.

I have to take a series
of these fertility shots

to get me all eggy,

but I need a partner
to help me with the injections.

So, Christy,

would you be my partner?

I'd love to.

Great!

Doctor said you should practice
on a grapefruit.

So here you go.

Yay!

Homework that's easy!

Isn't this something
your boyfriend should do?

No, I decided
not to tell him.

I don't want him to think
I'm obsessed with having a child.

What do you think
of the name Pearl?

Hate.

Second grade, Pearl Fleming
cut off my pigtail.

And you did nothing
to deserve that?

Fine. Name your baby
Pearl,

but we will have
a complicated relationship.

Thanks for doing this.

What about Wendy?
She's a nurse.

Mom, I finally got picked
for something.

Let me have this.

- Ready?
- Mm.

Did you practice?

Every grapefruit in our house
is ready to give birth.

Okay.

What's that?

An alcohol wipe.

Ooh, alcohol.

Should we call Marjorie?

Just don't put it in
a glass with an olive,

and we'll be fine.

What?

I have an intense fear
of needles.

Which is why I became
an alcoholic,

even though heroin
has less calories.

Just breathe.

Now, I'm supposed to inject you
two inches under your navel

by pinching a small
section of your fat.

'Kay.

All right, stop flexing.

Sorry.

There's not much
to work with here.

I will pass that compliment on
to my trainers,

Alfonso and Katya.

Ooh!

Calm down.
Focus on the fact

that you're lucky enough
to be able to do this,

'cause not everyone can.

Wait a minute.

Do you want to do this?

Me?

I don't know.

Doesn't matter.

I could never afford it.

Christy, you're
like a sister to me.

If you want to freeze your eggs,
I'll pay for it.

You would?

Yeah, we could go
through this together.

You would give me $30,000?

Well, I wouldn't give it to you,

because of, you know,
your gambling history,

but I would give it
to the egg people.

That's so incredibly
generous.

Okay.

Give me the shot.

I already did.

When you offered
me the money,

I flinched and
it slid right in.

Wow.

Well, that didn't hurt at all.

I hope the baby
pops out that easy.

Oh, don't worry.
They do.

This grilled cheese
is delicious.

I went crazy and mixed
cheddar with American.

Two kinds of cheese.

Did you run into some money
I didn't know about?

I am gonna be
up all night.

What's wrong?

Jill said
if I wanted to freeze my eggs,

she'd pay for it.

Y-You want
to freeze your eggs?

I don't know.

I mean,
it's kind of invasive.

They put a needle
in your vagina.

Okay.

I'm gonna take Gus
for a walk.

Come on!

Would you want
to have another kid?

I wouldn't mind a chance
to do it sober.

Remembering Christmas concerts,

showing up for soccer games,

keeping my clothes on
in the ball pit

at Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey, anyone who doesn't think
about getting naked

in one of those things
is lying to themselves.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

I guess if I'm
gonna harvest my eggs,

I should do it now.

My period has been
extremely irregular lately.

Hang on, please!

Just looking
for the leash!

And when my period
does come,

the flow is like
Niagara Falls!

Just whoosh!

I don't need Gus!

I'm just
leaving!

Hmm?

Do you think
it's a terrible idea?

If you want to do it,

I'm all in.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Just put your eggs on ice.

And then, after law school,
we'll get Jill

to buy you some Olympic sperm,

and we'll raise a super baby.

Okay.

Okay, let's do this.

But I wouldn't want to do it
right after law school,

'cause, you know,
I'll want to give myself

a couple years
to get established.

So in five years?

I might want to try
and go for partner,

so I may need nine.

- Okay, great.
- So...

when the kid graduates
high school, you'll be, uh...

...68.

And if my math is correct,
I'll be...

...67.

Mm, but are you sure?

Because it sounds like
you don't want to have a baby...

You want to have a career.

Well, then why am I considering
having a baby?

Because you didn't get
into moot court.

That's ridiculous.

Wait for it.

Oh. Damn,
there's no one here.

Oh, my God.

I was totally
about to have a baby

because I didn't get a part

in what is basically
the law school play.

Hey, I had you because I needed
a ride home from a flea market.

Natalie!

In here!

Do you like this dress?

Tell me the truth.

I love it.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'm so hopped up
on hormones,

I don't know
who I am anymore.

It's more flowers than usual.

You hate it.

I look like a funeral wreath
for a drag queen.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You really pull it off.

I think so.

How many more of these shots
are you getting?

Oh, only two to go.

Thank God.

Wow! Look at you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Good luck.

You all right?

Yeah. Why?

Well, this week
has been a little...

"I'm dating Judy Garland."

Hey, you made me watch
that movie.

You think I'm crazy?

No.

No. No, if anything,

I think that,
not unlike Ms. Garland,

you're-you're
under a lot of stress

that the-the world
doesn't know about.

Man, that movie
really had an impact on me.

I'm freezing my eggs.

What?

I'm jammed full of hormones,

and I'm out
of my ever-lovin' mind.

Oh.

Honey, why would you keep that
a secret?

'Cause I thought if I told you,

you'd feel like I was trying
to push a kid on you,

you'd dump me and then I'd be
sitting here with no boyfriend,

no baby and a fridge
full of Miracle Whip.

Okay. Um...

I'm gonna have to be extremely
careful with what I say here.

I love you.

Yeah, that's good.

Um...

I was just... surprised.

You know,
the-the baby stuff just...

caught me
a little off guard.

I know. I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.

I see that this
is huge for you.

You do?

'Cause I was trying
to hide it.

And you were doing
a masterful job.

Now, look,

I can admit that I'm...

probably not ready
to be a father.

But... when I picture
my future,

you're in it.

I just want
to take our time,

make sure
that we get it right.

So you're fine with this
whole freezing eggs thing?

Yeah, I think
it's a great idea.

I love you.

I don't have
to freeze anything, do I?

No.

Your stuff has the shelf life
of a Twinkie.Oh.

Great.

You know,

when I heard "sugar scrub,"

I thought it was crazy.

But I am clean,
I am relaxed

and I taste
like an Abba-Zaba bar.

Jill, this is a great way
to celebrate Wendy's promotion.

Eh, too bad we all thought

it was somebody else's job
to invite her.

I'll make it up to her.

I would like to be a part
of whatever that is.

I'm just gonna say two words.

Disney cruise.

It's my fertility doctor.

Hi, Dr. Dubois.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Thanks for letting me know.

Bye-bye.

So?

What's our egg count?

Zero.

What?

None of them
were viable.

Oh.

Jill, I'm sorry.

"Are you okay?" is a
stupid question, but...

are you?

I don't know.

I mean, I have come
at this baby thing

from so many
different angles,

and it's just
not happening.

But you can try again.

Maybe.

You want to go home?

No.

I just want
to be with my friends.

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Sync & corrections by srjanapala