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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,398 --> 00:00:26,152 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 2 00:00:26,236 --> 00:00:29,864 ♪ I'm gonna miss you so ♪ 3 00:00:29,948 --> 00:00:34,369 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 4 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:37,163 ♪ Why'd ya have to go ♪ 5 00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:40,166 ♪ Bye, bye ♪ 6 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:44,796 ♪ No more sunshine ♪ ♪ Sunshine ♪ 7 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:48,508 ♪ It's followed you away ♪ ♪ You away♪ 8 00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:52,846 ♪ I'll cry, Birdie ♪ ♪ Birdie♪ 9 00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:56,433 ♪ Till you're home to stay ♪ 10 00:00:56,516 --> 00:01:00,645 ♪ I'll miss the way you smile As though it's just for me ♪ 11 00:01:00,729 --> 00:01:06,317 ♪ And each and every night I'll write you faithfully ♪ 12 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,990 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 13 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:15,660 ♪ It's awful hard to bear ♪ 14 00:01:15,744 --> 00:01:20,081 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 15 00:01:20,165 --> 00:01:24,377 ♪ Guess I'll always care ♪ 16 00:01:24,461 --> 00:01:28,631 ♪ Guess I'll always care ♪ 17 00:01:28,715 --> 00:01:32,594 ♪ Guess I'll always care ♪♪ 18 00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,645 Look! Look! 19 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:43,039 I'm gonna enter you in Washington. 20 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:46,125 Hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! 21 00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:49,087 Look! Look! Hey! Oooh, hey! 22 00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:14,654 ♪ We love you, Conrad♪ 23 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:17,490 ♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪ 24 00:03:17,574 --> 00:03:20,201 ♪ We love you, Conrad♪ 25 00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:22,996 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 26 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:25,999 ♪ When you're not near us ♪ 27 00:03:26,082 --> 00:03:28,751 ♪ We're blue ♪ 28 00:03:28,835 --> 00:03:34,132 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪ 29 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,885 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 30 00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:39,596 This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit... 31 00:03:39,679 --> 00:03:42,181 in front of the nation's capital... 32 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:46,811 bringing you special on-the-spot coverage of our current teenage crisis... 33 00:03:46,895 --> 00:03:49,439 over the drafting of Conrad Birdie. 34 00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:53,401 Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon. 35 00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:57,405 And for those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts, 36 00:03:57,488 --> 00:04:01,492 here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise. 37 00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:47,830 And that‒ that is our army's newest weapon. 38 00:04:47,914 --> 00:04:51,542 Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days. 39 00:04:51,626 --> 00:04:55,755 His income drops from two million dollars a year... 40 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,007 to $78 a month. 41 00:04:58,091 --> 00:05:01,219 It could only happen in America. 42 00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:06,641 Why? 43 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,394 Why did they have to draft him? 44 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,313 Just when I finally write a song he's gonna do. 45 00:05:12,397 --> 00:05:14,649 The title song of his next picture. 46 00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:17,568 "Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo." 47 00:05:17,652 --> 00:05:19,988 Now there's no picture. 48 00:05:20,071 --> 00:05:22,573 There's nothing. 49 00:05:26,119 --> 00:05:31,457 Albert, I have your financial statement if you really want to hear it. 50 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:35,128 Total assets: $312.08. 51 00:05:35,253 --> 00:05:38,798 Liabilities: $4,030. 52 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,800 You‒ 53 00:05:44,804 --> 00:05:47,765 Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco. 54 00:05:47,849 --> 00:05:49,767 Good-bye, Albert. 55 00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:52,395 It's a sad ending to a long association. 56 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,606 Yeah. Oh, don't you wanna say good-bye to Pidge? 57 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:05,950 Almaelou's busted, Pidge. Better get yourself another meal ticket. 58 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:10,830 In six years, I never sold one lousy song. 59 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:13,458 Maybe they weren't lousy enough. 60 00:06:15,835 --> 00:06:19,839 I don't care so much about myself, 61 00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:22,550 but I'm my mother's sole support. 62 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,094 I've wasted every cent my father left Mama‒ 63 00:06:25,178 --> 00:06:28,222 It's not your fault. Your mother wants you to be a songwriter. 64 00:06:28,306 --> 00:06:31,601 You can make a good living as a biochemist. 65 00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:35,772 That's a wonderful profession. But Mama, she wants‒ 66 00:06:35,855 --> 00:06:41,152 Just because she was once in vaudeville doesn't mean that you belong in show business. 67 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:45,740 Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want. 68 00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:49,494 Well, Mama's sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. 69 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:53,664 Why, with your ideas, you can make a fortune in chemistry. 70 00:06:53,748 --> 00:06:57,919 Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry! 71 00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:01,422 You sound like Rosie. Where is she? Where's Rosie? 72 00:07:01,506 --> 00:07:05,760 She phoned. She heard about Birdie being drafted. Said she was gonna see Ed Sullivan. 73 00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:08,012 Sure, to get another job. 74 00:07:08,096 --> 00:07:12,600 Oh, fine secretary. Why, we have been practically engaged! 75 00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,936 Just waiting for an okay from Mama. 76 00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:17,605 Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me. 77 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:20,608 Quits before my body's even warm. 78 00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:22,610 Ed Sullivan! 79 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:27,532 Would you send in Rosie De Leon, please. 80 00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:33,621 I-Is it yes, Mr. Sullivan? It's just got to be yes. 81 00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:35,706 Rosie, it is yes. 82 00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:38,793 Oh, hallelujah! Oh, I love you! 83 00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,963 Oh, that's marvelous! Oh, I love you too! I'm so glad! 84 00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:45,007 Miss De Leon. I'd like you to meet our producer Bob Precht. 85 00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:48,052 Oh, hi, how are you? Well, it's my pleasure. 86 00:07:48,136 --> 00:07:51,013 You know, Rosie, if you can overcome your shyness, tell me, 87 00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:53,975 what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you? 88 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:58,229 Let's face it, I'm a scheming woman. I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out. 89 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,648 If you buy it, I want a little favor. 90 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,692 All right, let's try it on for size. 91 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:05,862 How'd you like a terrific buildup before the show... 92 00:08:05,945 --> 00:08:08,865 that'll have every TV set tuned in to you next Sunday? 93 00:08:08,948 --> 00:08:11,826 We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie. 94 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:14,078 This is bigger. Bigger. 95 00:08:14,162 --> 00:08:18,124 Before Conrad Birdie goes into the army, he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls... 96 00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:21,043 who worship him on your TV show. 97 00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:24,547 After all, it's only an hour show and Birdie only gets four minutes. 98 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,300 He kisses them all symbolically. 99 00:08:27,425 --> 00:08:29,260 What'd you say? Symbolically. 100 00:08:29,385 --> 00:08:32,847 Actually, he'll only kiss one girl. He kisses only one girl? 101 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,600 Can't you see it? Birdie, their idol, their leader, 102 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,935 kissing one fabulously lucky teenage tessie? 103 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:40,605 Yeah! It'll melt every bobby pin in America. 104 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,066 It's gigantic! The newspapers'll eat it up. Think of the advance publicity. 105 00:08:44,192 --> 00:08:48,571 Rosie, get Birdie's fan club file right away, and get us a girl from Ohio. Gotcha. 106 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:51,199 Bob, we'll do it from the stage of the outdoor theater, 107 00:08:51,324 --> 00:08:53,618 Columbus, Ohio, right after the Ballet. I'll get the girl. 108 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,204 The network will handle all the physical details. 109 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:59,373 And after the kiss, Birdie sings a big song. 110 00:08:59,457 --> 00:09:02,001 And that's where Rosie gets her payoff. 111 00:09:02,126 --> 00:09:04,253 I don't get it. The song is "One Last Kiss." 112 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,756 Never heard of it. Hasn't been written yet. 113 00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:09,217 And who is going to write this classic? 114 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:12,053 Who else, but my future husband, Mr. Albert F. Peterson? 115 00:09:12,178 --> 00:09:15,431 Who else? Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break for six years. 116 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,725 I know he'll use the song if you say so. 117 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:20,394 Okay, in a spot like this, any song will do, 118 00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:23,231 even though it's written by your ever-loving Albert. 119 00:09:23,314 --> 00:09:27,401 - Thank you, Mr. Sullivan. - With a plug like this, that song'll sell a million records. 120 00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:29,403 Man, what royalties! 121 00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:31,364 Well, we can sure use the money. 122 00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:35,076 - Any day now, Albert and I will have another mouth to feed. - Rosie. 123 00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:38,496 - You're not even married yet. - His mother. 124 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,498 Oh? Bye. 125 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,917 Carmine, get me the publishing department right away! 126 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,629 This batch'll do. Get 'em ready for mailing right away. 127 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,506 Hi, Marge. Hi. 128 00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:51,717 I need one of your fans from Ohio. You can have 'em all. 129 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:54,262 Try file number six. Okay. 130 00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:58,516 Uh, six‒ Here we go. I'm about to make some ga-ga little goof a queen. 131 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,518 Ohhh. 132 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,981 Hey, cute. 133 00:10:05,064 --> 00:10:10,695 Long distance. I want, uh... Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio. 134 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:14,240 Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her. 135 00:10:14,365 --> 00:10:17,118 You mean you doped Albert's mother? No. 136 00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:19,787 But if this doesn't work, that's my next move. 137 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,957 What, operator? The line's busy. Well, um, uh, never mind. 138 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,876 I'll try later. Thank you. 139 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,921 Oh, Marge, right now, there's a kid named Kim McAfee... 140 00:10:29,005 --> 00:10:31,799 in Sweet Apple, Ohio, gabbing on the telephone, 141 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:36,220 but little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal. 142 00:10:40,308 --> 00:10:43,102 Hello? Hello, Urse? This is Kim. 143 00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:46,856 And if I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst. 144 00:10:46,939 --> 00:10:50,318 So, Ursula, you are the very first to know. 145 00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:53,446 I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody. 146 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:57,950 Oh, no! Kim McAfee, you didn't! You really got pinned? 147 00:10:58,034 --> 00:11:02,079 You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding? 148 00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:06,125 Uh-huh. Oh, it's Hugo and I... forever. 149 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,795 Crazy, crazy! Tell me, Kim. 150 00:11:09,879 --> 00:11:14,842 How do you absolutely feel... in your deepest, secret soul? 151 00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:20,139 It's like‒ It's like I've been reborn. 152 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:24,810 It's like all my life until this very moment, I was nothing. 153 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,772 It's like‒ Kim, I must use the phone. I've got to call Grandma. 154 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,858 In a second, Mom. Hey, listen, Ursula, I'm gonna have to get off. 155 00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:33,444 Where was I? You were nothing. 156 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:37,365 Oh, yeah. And now I'm alive. 157 00:11:37,448 --> 00:11:39,408 Fulfilled. 158 00:11:39,492 --> 00:11:42,370 Now I know what it means to be a woman. 159 00:11:42,453 --> 00:11:44,538 It should only happen to me. 160 00:11:44,622 --> 00:11:47,375 Kim, where did he pin you? 161 00:11:47,458 --> 00:11:51,337 On the back seat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus. 162 00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:55,383 Kim, hurry, please. Yeah, hang up, Kim, so I can spread the word. 163 00:11:55,466 --> 00:11:57,426 Okay, bye, Urse. 164 00:12:11,357 --> 00:12:14,735 ♪ Hi, Nancy ♪ ♪ Hi, Ursula ♪ 165 00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:16,737 ♪ What's the story morning glory ♪ 166 00:12:16,821 --> 00:12:18,739 ♪ What's the tale nightingale ♪ 167 00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:21,909 - ♪ Did you hear about Hugo and Kim ♪ - ♪ Hi, Margie ♪ 168 00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:25,955 ♪ Hi, Alice What's the story morning glory ♪ 169 00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:30,042 ♪ What's the word, hummingbird Have you heard about Hugo and Kim ♪ 170 00:12:30,126 --> 00:12:33,712 ♪ Did they really get pinned Did she kiss him and cry ♪ 171 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:36,882 ♪ Did he pin the pin on Or was he too shy ♪ 172 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,260 ♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 173 00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,262 ♪ I was hopin' they would ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 174 00:12:41,387 --> 00:12:43,973 ♪ Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ 175 00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:47,560 ♪ Hello, Mr. Henkel This is Harvey Johnson ♪ 176 00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:50,855 ♪ Can I talk to Penelope Ann ♪ 177 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,857 ♪ Is it true about Kim ♪ ♪ Penelope ♪ 178 00:12:52,982 --> 00:12:54,859 ♪ I just knew it somehow ♪ ♪ About the prom ♪ 179 00:12:54,984 --> 00:12:57,695 ♪ I must call her right up I can't talk to you now ♪ ♪ Saturday ♪ 180 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,949 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it, man ♪ 181 00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:03,951 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ It's crazy, man ♪ 182 00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:05,786 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it ♪ 183 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:09,165 - ♪ It won't last ♪ - ♪ Not at all ♪ 184 00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:12,209 - ♪ He's too thin ♪ - ♪ She's too tall ♪ 185 00:13:12,293 --> 00:13:15,880 ♪ Hello, Mrs. Miller This is Harvey Johnson ♪ 186 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:20,176 ♪ Can I speak to Debra Sue ♪ 187 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:25,890 ♪ Hiya, Hugo Hiya, stupid ♪ 188 00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:29,560 ♪ What'd ya wanna go get pinned for ♪ ♪ You don't know how to live ♪ 189 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,562 ♪ You meathead ♪ ♪ You'd get pinned if you could ♪ 190 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,564 ♪ Lost your marbles ♪ ♪ Kim and I are in love ♪ 191 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:36,525 - ♪ Are you nutty ♪ - ♪ Goin' steady for‒ ♪ - ♪ Hello, Mrs. Garfein ♪ 192 00:13:36,609 --> 00:13:38,486 ♪ Is Charity home from school yet ♪ 193 00:13:38,611 --> 00:13:41,197 ♪ Did they really get pinned Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ 194 00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:43,282 ♪ I was hopin' they would Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ 195 00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,826 ♪ They're livin' at last Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ She nailed him ♪ 196 00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:48,996 ♪ If ya gotta go That's the way to go ♪ 197 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:52,708 ♪ When they got you hooked Then you're really cooked ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪ 198 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,461 ♪ Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪ 199 00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,546 ♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 200 00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,548 ♪ I was thinkin' they would ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 201 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,218 ♪ Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 202 00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:05,804 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Ooo, ooo, ooo ♪ 203 00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:09,266 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady goin' steady for good♪ ♪ Ooo, ooo, ooo ♪ 204 00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:12,520 ♪ He's in love with Kim Kim's in love with him ♪ 205 00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:16,690 ♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady Goin' steady for good ♪ 206 00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:20,778 ♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady Goin' steady for good ♪ 207 00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,614 ♪ That's the way it should be They'll be happy, I know ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 208 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:27,159 ♪ Goin' steady for me That's the way it should go ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 209 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:30,538 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady Steady for good ♪ 210 00:14:30,663 --> 00:14:33,999 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady Steady for good ♪ 211 00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:37,211 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady Steady for ♪ 212 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,213 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ 213 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:43,551 ♪ Oooh... yeah ♪♪ 214 00:14:50,975 --> 00:14:53,310 Poor Pidge. 215 00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:55,312 He'll starve. 216 00:14:57,523 --> 00:15:00,734 Here, Pidge. Here, Pidgie. Here, boy. 217 00:15:03,988 --> 00:15:06,740 - Albert! - Here, Pidgie. 218 00:15:06,824 --> 00:15:10,202 Albert, no, no! Don't jump! Don't jump! 219 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:13,247 Albert, it's all right. Everything's all right. Rose. Rose. 220 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,416 Come on back. Don't worry about‒ 221 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,751 Come on. Ooh, Albert. 222 00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:21,171 Oh. Oh. Oh, thank heavens I got here in time. 223 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:23,340 You almost pushed me out. 224 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:26,385 It's all right. I just came from Ed Sullivan's office. Sullivan! 225 00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,387 Yes. Go to work for Ed Sullivan. 226 00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:31,432 Leap from the sinking ship while the house is on fire. No‒ 227 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:34,059 But hear this, Miss De Leon. I was loyal. 228 00:15:34,143 --> 00:15:37,313 All the years I've employed you, I never looked for a job behind your back. 229 00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:41,233 I went to Sullivan's office‒ Don't explain. You owe me nothing. 230 00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:44,403 Even though you were molded by me. Molded. 231 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:47,489 Yeah, like, like that Eliza Doolittle got moldy from Pygmalion. 232 00:15:47,615 --> 00:15:50,451 I was molded? Where were you when I found you anyway? 233 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:55,247 Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop. 234 00:15:55,331 --> 00:16:00,044 Well‒ Well, sorry I interrupted you! 235 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,838 A man of my ilk does not commit suicide. 236 00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:06,592 I've had just about enough of your kind of ilks too. 237 00:16:08,636 --> 00:16:13,390 Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love. 238 00:16:18,479 --> 00:16:21,607 Oh, Albert, I'm‒ I'm... sorry. 239 00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,318 I should have known. 240 00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:27,529 Mama would never get over it. Mama? 241 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,909 Mam‒ 242 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:36,830 What's the matter? I'm the prize dope of all time. 243 00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:40,209 Thinkin' I could pry you away from your Mama's ever-lovin' tentacles. 244 00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:44,797 Rosie, I will thank you to leave my mother out of this. Maybe she does influence me, slightly. 245 00:16:44,922 --> 00:16:47,675 Slightly? Ha! She is old and frail. 246 00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:51,136 Which I will be, too, at this rate. Oh, I don't blame you, Albert. 247 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:55,349 I was living in fantasy, telling myself you were serious. 248 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,519 Oh, Rosie, I was. 249 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:01,563 I am... in here. 250 00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:05,859 Oh, I've thought about marrying you every day, 251 00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:08,028 a lot of nights too. 252 00:17:08,112 --> 00:17:11,865 I've spent six years on Project Albert. 253 00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:15,786 Well, now, I haven't got the right. 254 00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,915 I can't offer you security. 255 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,795 A wonderful girl like you, 256 00:17:27,131 --> 00:17:31,552 you deserve more from a husband than just personality and good looks. 257 00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:41,270 But I'll always love you, Rosie. 258 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:49,695 You'd better always love me, you nut, 259 00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:53,824 because you're stuck with me. 260 00:17:55,576 --> 00:18:00,330 Now, you've always worried about repaying your mother, right? 261 00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:03,500 Well, from now on, she'll be set for life. 262 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:07,796 She can sit around on her big, fat trust fund and you and I will have our own little house‒ 263 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,175 No! I don't care what Sullivan pays you, no woman is supporting Albert Peterson. 264 00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:14,470 Oh, you're not listening, darling. I am not a gigolo. 265 00:18:14,553 --> 00:18:18,807 Will you get to that piano and start composing? 266 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:22,811 Mary, I want Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio. I'm through composing. 267 00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:24,938 I was always through, but now I know it. 268 00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:28,066 Yeah, that's right. You're a biochemist, but this is one song you can sell. 269 00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:30,110 Huh? Okay, call me back. 270 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,905 As I was saying, huh? Gee, you're slow today. 271 00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:36,200 Now, you are going to write a song called "One Last Kiss." 272 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,952 Is this Albert's floor or is it the one below? 273 00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:42,998 "One Last Kiss." Now. 274 00:18:43,207 --> 00:18:45,501 ♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪ 275 00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:48,378 ♪ There never was such bliss ♪ 276 00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:50,881 ♪ I love your dentifrice ♪♪ 277 00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:53,842 Uh, oh, a little too clinical. Yeah, you're right. 278 00:18:53,926 --> 00:18:57,012 Albert! 279 00:18:57,095 --> 00:19:00,432 Mama? She's never been to the office since she discovered canasta. 280 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:04,061 Well, now's a perfect time for you to tell her about dissolving Almaelou‒ 281 00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,313 Yeah. 282 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,482 And about us. Yeah. 283 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:11,193 Albert! 284 00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:14,530 Sonny! Ohh! 285 00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:16,740 Mama! Baby! 286 00:19:16,824 --> 00:19:20,494 What a nice surprise. And you're just in time for some wonderful news. 287 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:22,830 - Oh! - What's the matter? 288 00:19:22,955 --> 00:19:26,208 It's nothing, son. I just fainted in the subway. Mama! 289 00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:28,418 But I didn't fall down. It was too crowded. 290 00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:31,588 I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi. Taxis? 291 00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:34,675 Taxis are for my successful son. 292 00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:37,719 A dirty, crowded subway is good enough for a mother. 293 00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:40,305 Mothers are nothin' nowadays. 294 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:44,476 Who's that? Mama, you know Rose De Leon. And guess what? 295 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,231 This is that pretty Rose De Leon? 296 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:52,484 Oh, I don't believe it. 297 00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:55,654 Rose, what happened to you? 298 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,532 Ya had a fatal sickness or somethin'? 299 00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:01,326 It's nice to see you again. 300 00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:04,413 Always on the job. She's a credit to the firm. 301 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,915 Look at her, son. 302 00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:10,377 I wonder some older man hasn't snatched her away. 303 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:14,256 - Personable matron. - Mama, speaking of marriage‒ 304 00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:18,886 Wonderful institution. Your poor father and I, that was a marriage. 305 00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,388 May he rest in peace. 306 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:25,809 Don't worry, Lou. Our only child is taking care of me. 307 00:20:25,893 --> 00:20:29,563 He'd never do anything to break my heart. What about marriage? 308 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:32,691 Well, if it was good enough for you and Papa, it's‒ In time. 309 00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:36,486 You're just a baby. 310 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:43,410 Hello? Yes, operator, I'll hold on. 311 00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:46,872 I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou. 312 00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,625 Wait, Lou. I'm comin'. I'll be right up there. 313 00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:51,877 We can play canasta again. 314 00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:55,464 Mama. Mama, forget it. I'm sorry. You're sorry? 315 00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:59,217 Good-bye, sonny. Take care of yourself. Think of me on Mother's Day. 316 00:20:59,343 --> 00:21:01,219 Good-bye, Rosie. Good-bye, Mae. 317 00:21:01,303 --> 00:21:04,973 Call me Mrs. Peterson. Wear your rubbers. 318 00:21:05,057 --> 00:21:07,601 That's right, operator. Miss Kim McAfee. 319 00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:17,444 I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight. 320 00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,447 It's entirely up to you, Albert. The line is still busy? 321 00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:23,325 Yes, Hugo. Mm-hmm. 322 00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:26,954 Well, of course I'll always wear it, on everything. 323 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:31,208 Oh, except my gym blouse. Miss Turgnisht won't allow it. 324 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:36,838 Tonight? Well, I have no plans. I think I can get out till about ten. 325 00:21:36,922 --> 00:21:39,967 Oh, you have to be in by nine. 326 00:21:40,050 --> 00:21:42,302 Well, c'est la vie. 327 00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,888 Until tonight then, mon amour. 328 00:21:44,972 --> 00:21:46,890 Bye. 329 00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:58,652 ♪ When you're a skinny child of 15 ♪ 330 00:21:58,735 --> 00:22:02,197 ♪ Wired with braces from ear to ear ♪ 331 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:07,452 ♪ You doubt that you will ever be appealing ♪ 332 00:22:09,579 --> 00:22:14,376 ♪ Then hallelujah You are 16 and the braces disappear ♪ 333 00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:17,004 ♪ And your skin is smooth and clear ♪ 334 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:21,174 ♪ And you have that happy grown-up ♪ 335 00:22:21,258 --> 00:22:24,469 ♪ Female feeling ♪ 336 00:22:31,852 --> 00:22:34,980 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 337 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:38,150 ♪ The wait was well worthwhile ♪ 338 00:22:38,233 --> 00:22:41,528 ♪ How lovely to wear mascara ♪ 339 00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:44,740 ♪ And smile a woman's smile ♪ 340 00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:48,118 ♪ How lovely to have a figure ♪ 341 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:51,204 ♪ That's round instead of flat ♪ 342 00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:54,708 ♪ Whenever you hear boys whistle ♪ 343 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:57,335 ♪ You're what they're whistling at ♪ 344 00:22:57,419 --> 00:23:00,297 ♪ It's wonderful to feel ♪ 345 00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:03,884 ♪ The way a woman feels ♪ 346 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,053 ♪ It gives you such a glow ♪ 347 00:23:06,136 --> 00:23:10,432 ♪ Just to know you're wearing lipstick and heels ♪ 348 00:23:11,475 --> 00:23:14,561 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 349 00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:17,731 ♪ And have one job to do ♪ 350 00:23:17,814 --> 00:23:21,068 ♪ To pick out a boy and train him ♪ 351 00:23:21,151 --> 00:23:24,321 ♪ And then when you are through ♪ 352 00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:27,574 ♪ You've made him the man you want him ♪ 353 00:23:27,657 --> 00:23:30,577 ♪ To be ♪ 354 00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:34,164 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 355 00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:36,708 ♪ Like me ♪ 356 00:23:36,792 --> 00:23:40,003 ♪ How wonderful to know ♪ 357 00:23:40,087 --> 00:23:43,256 ♪ The things a woman knows ♪ 358 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:47,135 ♪ How marvelous to wait for a date ♪ 359 00:23:47,219 --> 00:23:50,388 ♪ In simply beautiful clothes ♪ 360 00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,892 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 361 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:57,020 ♪ And change from boys to men ♪ 362 00:23:57,104 --> 00:24:00,315 ♪ To go to a fancy nightclub ♪ 363 00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:03,735 ♪ And stay out after ten ♪ 364 00:24:03,819 --> 00:24:06,947 ♪ How lovely to be so grown-up ♪ 365 00:24:07,030 --> 00:24:09,866 ♪ And free ♪ 366 00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:19,084 ♪ Life's lovely when you're a woman ♪ 367 00:24:20,418 --> 00:24:25,006 ♪ Like me ♪♪ 368 00:24:40,188 --> 00:24:44,276 Hello? Oh. Oh, hold on, operator. 369 00:24:44,401 --> 00:24:47,571 Oh, Kim, it's for you. She says it's long distance. Thank you, Doris. 370 00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:50,532 Who could be calling‒ Did you say "Doris"? 371 00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:54,578 It's the modern way, dear. It makes mother and daughter more like friends. 372 00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:58,456 Harry, I think you took the news about Hugo and I awfully well. Hello? 373 00:24:58,582 --> 00:25:00,667 She called you "Harry." Yeah. 374 00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:05,297 Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee. Yesterday I was a mother. Today I'm a friend. 375 00:25:05,422 --> 00:25:10,218 Yes, I'll hold on. Maybe you could call me "Mom"? That's modern. 376 00:25:10,302 --> 00:25:12,971 Times are changing. 377 00:25:13,054 --> 00:25:16,600 You go along or else you're out of it. 378 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,894 Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out. 379 00:25:18,977 --> 00:25:21,188 So have I. How 'bout my pipe? 380 00:25:21,271 --> 00:25:23,190 Hello? Hello? 381 00:25:23,273 --> 00:25:26,359 Kim McAfee, I have a great surprise. Harry. Kids. 382 00:25:26,443 --> 00:25:29,863 You have been selected from all the teenagers in the United States... 383 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:34,034 to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night. 384 00:25:34,117 --> 00:25:36,244 - We'll be in touch. - Good-bye. 385 00:25:36,328 --> 00:25:39,706 Conrad Birdie? 386 00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:43,251 To kiss me? 387 00:25:43,335 --> 00:25:46,880 Ohhh. Doris! 388 00:25:49,257 --> 00:25:53,094 Mother? Mommy! Mommy! 389 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:56,473 Baby, what happened? Mommy, Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me! 390 00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:59,476 Oh, isn't that nice. Sit down. But you don't understand. 391 00:25:59,601 --> 00:26:02,938 Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me! Oh, baby. 392 00:26:03,021 --> 00:26:05,148 Oh, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Oh! 393 00:26:05,232 --> 00:26:09,069 Well, I never thought I'd say it, but God bless Conrad Birdie. 394 00:26:09,152 --> 00:26:13,949 Oh, Conrad Birdie! Oh! 395 00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:17,869 Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me! 396 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:30,966 Now, listen. The absolute instant he appears, 397 00:26:31,049 --> 00:26:34,010 now, I'll introduce Kim to him. 398 00:26:34,094 --> 00:26:38,306 And then we'll all recite our Pledge Of Everlasting Loyalty. 399 00:26:38,431 --> 00:26:42,394 The plane! The plane's almost landed! 400 00:26:45,730 --> 00:26:49,359 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 401 00:26:49,442 --> 00:26:53,238 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 402 00:26:53,321 --> 00:26:56,741 ♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪ 403 00:26:56,825 --> 00:27:00,287 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪ 404 00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:04,291 ♪ We hate you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 405 00:27:04,374 --> 00:27:08,086 ♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪ 406 00:27:08,169 --> 00:27:11,798 ♪ You're singing makes us say "p-u" ♪ 407 00:27:11,881 --> 00:27:15,302 ♪ Oh, Conrad We hate you ♪ 408 00:27:15,385 --> 00:27:19,306 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 409 00:27:19,389 --> 00:27:22,851 ♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪ 410 00:27:22,934 --> 00:27:26,855 ♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪ 411 00:27:26,938 --> 00:27:30,108 - ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ - ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ 412 00:27:30,233 --> 00:27:33,445 ♪ We love you ♪♪ ♪ We hate you ♪♪ 413 00:27:35,405 --> 00:27:37,782 Hugo wants to talk to Kim. 414 00:27:37,866 --> 00:27:40,910 Uh, that‒ that's if it's okay with Kim. 415 00:27:41,036 --> 00:27:45,248 Certainly, Hugo. Uh, well, Kim‒ 416 00:27:45,332 --> 00:27:47,250 Yes? 417 00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:56,885 Aw! 418 00:27:59,429 --> 00:28:01,556 Hugo, what do you want? 419 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:07,479 Gee, Kim, the fellas are making me do this, 420 00:28:07,562 --> 00:28:09,981 but just the same, they're right. 421 00:28:10,065 --> 00:28:12,233 Kim, you can't go through with this. 422 00:28:12,317 --> 00:28:14,361 Hugo, please be mature. 423 00:28:14,444 --> 00:28:17,364 Well, gee, doesn't gettin' pinned mean anything these days? 424 00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:21,868 Ohh. It means everything. It's sacred. 425 00:28:21,951 --> 00:28:26,706 Well, then how can you let another man kiss you? A-And in public? 426 00:28:26,831 --> 00:28:30,043 I assure you, I won't even feel it. Huh? 427 00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,921 I'm just a symbol. A symbol? 428 00:28:34,422 --> 00:28:38,343 Ah, don't you see? This is bigger than us. 429 00:28:38,468 --> 00:28:42,305 Why, all this publicity for Sweet Apple. Yeah. 430 00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:44,808 Thousands of people will move here. 431 00:28:44,891 --> 00:28:48,228 We'll have a population explosion. 432 00:28:48,311 --> 00:28:53,191 And just think what this'll do for your father's undertaking business. 433 00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:58,905 Hey! Hey, yeah, you're right. Yeah. 434 00:29:01,324 --> 00:29:05,328 But you really don't go for that Birdie creep. Do ya? 435 00:29:06,830 --> 00:29:08,957 What do my eyes tell you? 436 00:29:17,340 --> 00:29:20,093 No, you don't. I can see you're all mine. 437 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,679 Forever. 438 00:29:22,762 --> 00:29:25,348 Starting right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night. 439 00:29:26,850 --> 00:29:29,686 Right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night. 440 00:29:31,229 --> 00:29:33,648 Hey, we'll be late! 441 00:29:33,731 --> 00:29:38,528 One, two, three‒ ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 442 00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:42,031 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 443 00:29:42,115 --> 00:29:45,952 - ♪ When you're not ne‒ ♪♪ - ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪ 444 00:29:46,077 --> 00:29:49,038 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you♪♪ 445 00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:56,337 Well, uh, I told her off, guys. She knows where I stand. 446 00:29:56,463 --> 00:30:00,133 But she's leaving. Yeah, but that's only to make the population explode. 447 00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:02,510 Anyone for the reception, kids? 448 00:30:02,594 --> 00:30:05,555 Gee, Mr. Paisley, we think you're okay, even if you are the English teacher. 449 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:09,225 Well, it should be a fascinating experience. Yeah, but are you with them? 450 00:30:09,350 --> 00:30:13,021 With "them"? Yeah, that Birdie creep. He's poisoned our women. 451 00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:16,107 It's bad enough the Mayor's a fink, but you, Mr. Paisley. 452 00:30:16,191 --> 00:30:19,986 Well, you see, fellas, as a teacher and a brand-new American citizen... 453 00:30:20,069 --> 00:30:21,988 with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, 454 00:30:22,071 --> 00:30:26,159 I feel I should witness this unique, sociological phenomenon, hmm? 455 00:30:28,786 --> 00:30:31,581 Yeah, guys, suppose I‒ suppose I did let Kim kiss him. 456 00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:34,250 I only wanna see‒ a, uh, um, unique‒ 457 00:30:34,334 --> 00:30:38,129 a so‒ uh, soci‒ phenomenon. 458 00:30:39,339 --> 00:30:41,257 Hugo the fink! 459 00:30:42,550 --> 00:30:44,552 So long, fink! Fink! 460 00:30:44,636 --> 00:30:47,597 Fink! What a fink! 461 00:30:57,524 --> 00:31:01,986 Here are the gentlemen from the press. I'll handle them. You go find the Mayor. 462 00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:06,741 We want him! We want him! Kim. Kim. 463 00:31:06,824 --> 00:31:09,827 Here's your speech. Learn it, and hurry. 464 00:31:09,911 --> 00:31:12,956 We want him! We want him! 465 00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:16,251 We want him! We want him! 466 00:31:16,334 --> 00:31:18,795 Look this way, please. 467 00:31:20,338 --> 00:31:22,549 What's your name? Conrad Birdie. 468 00:31:22,632 --> 00:31:24,551 No, no, your name. Oh. 469 00:31:24,634 --> 00:31:28,555 Um, um... McAfee. Kim. 470 00:31:28,638 --> 00:31:30,557 Kim McAfee. Oh. 471 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,142 She doesn't even know her name. 472 00:31:37,063 --> 00:31:40,066 We want him! We want him! 473 00:31:40,149 --> 00:31:43,486 We want him! We want him! We want him. Eeew! 474 00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:46,322 We want him! We want him! 475 00:31:46,406 --> 00:31:49,534 We want him! We want him! 476 00:31:49,659 --> 00:31:53,079 I beg your pardon. May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple. Oh. 477 00:31:53,162 --> 00:31:55,957 I'm Claude Paisley. Kim McAfee's my student in English. 478 00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:59,544 Oh, how do you do? I'm Rose De Leon. Nice to know you. 479 00:31:59,627 --> 00:32:02,422 - Uh, and you're, uh‒ - Hugo. 480 00:32:03,798 --> 00:32:07,176 - Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. - Hugo Fink. 481 00:32:07,260 --> 00:32:09,345 Oh, hello, Mr. Fink. How are you? 482 00:32:09,429 --> 00:32:15,143 Please don't think me forward, but if you should have any spare time during your visit, 483 00:32:15,226 --> 00:32:18,438 I-I'd appreciate discussing Mr. Birdie with you. 484 00:32:18,521 --> 00:32:20,648 Well, uh... 485 00:32:20,732 --> 00:32:23,276 I'm afraid I'll be very busy. 486 00:32:23,359 --> 00:32:25,445 Uh, but thank you. 487 00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:32,827 Ow! Watch it, rube, don't bend the fur. 488 00:32:32,910 --> 00:32:34,829 He's coming! 489 00:32:34,912 --> 00:32:38,458 - Look, everybody, he's coming! Here he comes! 490 00:32:48,718 --> 00:32:52,388 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 491 00:32:52,472 --> 00:32:56,351 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 492 00:32:56,434 --> 00:33:00,229 ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪ 493 00:33:00,313 --> 00:33:04,984 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪ 494 00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:08,988 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 495 00:33:09,072 --> 00:33:12,492 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 496 00:33:12,575 --> 00:33:16,996 ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪ 497 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:21,125 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪♪ 498 00:33:44,107 --> 00:33:49,028 Before you hear from the girl upon whom you have chosen... 499 00:33:49,112 --> 00:33:53,074 to bestow your final kiss upon, we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge. 500 00:33:56,285 --> 00:34:00,039 I, being of sound mind and body, 501 00:34:00,123 --> 00:34:02,125 do hereby promise... 502 00:34:02,208 --> 00:34:06,879 to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true... 503 00:34:06,963 --> 00:34:11,384 to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America, 504 00:34:11,467 --> 00:34:13,386 both indivisible, 505 00:34:13,469 --> 00:34:16,264 with liberty and justice for all. 506 00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:24,897 As the fortunate girl whom you have selected... 507 00:34:24,981 --> 00:34:27,900 to represent all my fellow girls, 508 00:34:27,984 --> 00:34:31,070 I welcome you. 509 00:34:52,884 --> 00:34:55,261 Now, Mayor, now. Oh. 510 00:34:55,344 --> 00:34:59,432 And now I present this key to our city, 511 00:34:59,515 --> 00:35:03,770 to our honored guest, uh, Conrad Birdie. 512 00:35:05,897 --> 00:35:08,941 He said it! He said the name! 513 00:35:11,819 --> 00:35:14,447 What happened? All I said was "Conrad Birdie." 514 00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:21,662 Now, now, girls, you're gonna have to stop that, or I‒ or I can't finish my speech. 515 00:35:21,746 --> 00:35:24,540 Who cares about your speech? 516 00:35:24,624 --> 00:35:27,543 We wanna hear Conrad! 517 00:35:32,465 --> 00:35:34,509 He's not so much. 518 00:35:39,096 --> 00:35:42,809 ♪ You gotta be sincere ♪ 519 00:35:42,892 --> 00:35:46,062 Ohhh. Edna! What's wrong? 520 00:35:46,145 --> 00:35:47,605 ♪ Ya gotta be sincere ♪ 521 00:35:49,106 --> 00:35:52,026 Birdie! What are you doing? 522 00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:54,445 ♪ Ya gotta feel it here ♪ 523 00:35:54,529 --> 00:35:57,073 ♪ 'Cause if you feel it here ♪ 524 00:35:57,156 --> 00:35:59,867 ♪ Well, then you're gonna be ♪ 525 00:35:59,951 --> 00:36:01,994 ♪ Honestly ♪ 526 00:36:02,078 --> 00:36:04,413 ♪ Sincere ♪ 527 00:36:08,835 --> 00:36:12,338 ♪ If what you feel is true ♪ 528 00:36:12,421 --> 00:36:16,676 ♪ You really feel it You make them feel it too ♪ 529 00:36:16,759 --> 00:36:21,430 ♪ Write this down now You gotta be sincere ♪ 530 00:36:21,514 --> 00:36:23,766 ♪ Honestly sincere ♪ 531 00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:26,644 ♪ Man, you gotta be ♪ 532 00:36:26,769 --> 00:36:32,400 ♪ Sincere ♪ 533 00:36:32,483 --> 00:36:37,446 ♪ If you're really sincere If you're really sincere ♪ 534 00:36:37,530 --> 00:36:41,200 ♪ If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right ♪ 535 00:36:41,284 --> 00:36:43,286 ♪ Oh, baby Oh, honey♪ 536 00:36:44,328 --> 00:36:46,247 ♪ Hug me ♪ 537 00:36:46,372 --> 00:36:48,958 ♪ Ah, suffer ♪ 538 00:36:52,545 --> 00:36:55,006 ♪ In everything I do ♪ 539 00:36:56,132 --> 00:36:59,594 ♪ Why, my sincerity shows through ♪ 540 00:36:59,677 --> 00:37:02,889 ♪ Yeah, I look you in the eye ♪ 541 00:37:02,972 --> 00:37:05,892 ♪ I don't even have to try It's automatic ♪ 542 00:37:05,975 --> 00:37:08,644 ♪ I'm sincere ♪ 543 00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:13,065 ♪ When I sing about a tree ♪ 544 00:37:13,149 --> 00:37:17,612 ♪ Listen, why I really feel that tree ♪ 545 00:37:17,695 --> 00:37:22,241 ♪ Yeah, when I sing about a girl I really feel that girl ♪ 546 00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,911 ♪ I mean I really feel ♪ 547 00:37:24,994 --> 00:37:30,333 ♪ Sincere ♪ 548 00:37:30,416 --> 00:37:33,252 ♪ Why, if you're really sincere ♪ 549 00:37:33,336 --> 00:37:36,881 ♪ If you're really sincere If you feel it in here ♪ 550 00:37:37,006 --> 00:37:40,092 ♪ Then it's gotta be right Oh, baby ♪ 551 00:37:40,176 --> 00:37:42,094 ♪ Oh, honey ♪ 552 00:37:42,178 --> 00:37:45,765 ♪ Hug me Ah, suffer ♪ 553 00:37:46,682 --> 00:37:49,185 Yeah, here we go now! 554 00:37:49,268 --> 00:37:52,104 ♪ Why, you gotta be sincere ♪ 555 00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:56,442 ♪ Oh, you gotta feel it here Oh, my baby ♪ 556 00:37:56,525 --> 00:38:00,821 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 557 00:38:00,905 --> 00:38:04,283 ♪ Oh, my baby Aw, yeah ♪ 558 00:38:04,367 --> 00:38:06,243 ♪ Go, girl, go ♪ 559 00:38:06,369 --> 00:38:08,287 Angela! Angela! What are you doing? ♪ Yeah ♪ 560 00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:10,122 ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ 561 00:38:10,206 --> 00:38:12,333 ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ 562 00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:15,127 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ - Yeah! 563 00:38:15,211 --> 00:38:18,881 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ - Yeah! 564 00:38:18,965 --> 00:38:23,344 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪ - Yeah! 565 00:38:23,427 --> 00:38:26,138 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 566 00:38:26,222 --> 00:38:29,684 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 567 00:38:29,767 --> 00:38:32,645 ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪ 568 00:38:32,728 --> 00:38:35,940 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 569 00:38:36,023 --> 00:38:39,485 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 570 00:38:39,610 --> 00:38:43,155 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 571 00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:45,825 ♪ Oh, my baby ♪ 572 00:38:45,908 --> 00:38:48,119 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 573 00:38:48,202 --> 00:38:52,331 ♪ Yeah Yeah ♪ 574 00:38:52,415 --> 00:38:54,375 ♪ Yeah ♪♪ 575 00:39:29,952 --> 00:39:33,831 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 576 00:39:33,914 --> 00:39:37,918 ♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪ 577 00:39:38,002 --> 00:39:41,881 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 578 00:39:41,964 --> 00:39:46,218 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 579 00:39:46,302 --> 00:39:50,514 ♪ When you're not near us ♪ 580 00:39:50,598 --> 00:39:54,477 ♪ We're blue ♪ 581 00:39:54,602 --> 00:39:57,772 ♪ Oh, Conrad♪ 582 00:39:57,855 --> 00:40:00,941 ♪ We love you ♪ 583 00:40:01,025 --> 00:40:05,071 Randolph, your father's warned you. If you make another bomb, you'll get spanked. 584 00:40:05,154 --> 00:40:08,949 - It was an accident, Mom. - Oh! Now, get this stuff out of here. 585 00:40:09,033 --> 00:40:10,910 Oh. 586 00:40:10,993 --> 00:40:13,537 ♪ We love you, Conrad♪ 587 00:40:13,662 --> 00:40:15,623 Doris. Doris! 588 00:40:15,706 --> 00:40:18,417 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 589 00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:21,921 ♪ When you're not near us♪♪ Doris, what's going on here? 590 00:40:22,004 --> 00:40:24,381 Harry, where have you been since supper? 591 00:40:24,465 --> 00:40:26,675 In plenty of trouble, but I'm not now. 592 00:40:26,759 --> 00:40:28,928 You kids, go home before I sic the constable on you! 593 00:40:29,011 --> 00:40:32,098 Go on! Get that carnival off my front lawn! 594 00:40:32,181 --> 00:40:34,225 I'll show 'em who's boss here! 595 00:40:34,308 --> 00:40:36,894 Harry McAfee's not gonna be pushed around by any roll and rocker. 596 00:40:37,019 --> 00:40:40,481 Harry, they'll hear you. Ah, let 'em hear me. 597 00:40:40,606 --> 00:40:44,360 Randolph, put those chemicals away and go to bed! Yes, Papa. 598 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:49,949 We're in trouble. He can't stand Conrad living here. 599 00:40:52,743 --> 00:40:55,704 Especially around his pretty young daughter. 600 00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:02,837 She's still under the magic spell. 601 00:41:04,922 --> 00:41:09,385 Dear little Conrad certainly has a devastating impact. 602 00:41:09,468 --> 00:41:11,554 He might make a terrific soldier. 603 00:41:11,637 --> 00:41:14,348 Turn him loose and the enemy'll twitch itself to death. 604 00:41:14,431 --> 00:41:16,976 I don't care. I've changed my mind. 605 00:41:17,059 --> 00:41:21,105 My daughter is not gonna be publicly kissed by that‒ that wiggler. 606 00:41:21,230 --> 00:41:25,276 The deal is off. But, dear, you know these adolescents. Kim'll lose face. 607 00:41:25,359 --> 00:41:30,072 And if I don't get rid of that Birdie, that's not all she'll‒ 608 00:41:30,156 --> 00:41:32,658 Now, hear this. I have decided... 609 00:41:32,741 --> 00:41:35,286 that bunch of grafters is getting outta here! 610 00:41:35,369 --> 00:41:39,373 That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household! 611 00:41:39,498 --> 00:41:44,253 So you go upstairs and tell 'em. How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss De Leon‒ 612 00:41:44,336 --> 00:41:48,799 Nice? Ha-ha! I know that show business crowd. Probably livin' in sin. 613 00:41:48,883 --> 00:41:51,135 Harry Lionel McAfee! 614 00:41:51,218 --> 00:41:55,306 I never told you. One summer I worked with the circus. Oh, those midgets, wild. 615 00:41:55,431 --> 00:41:59,185 Not another word. She's been engaged to Peterson for six years. Don't tell me‒ 616 00:41:59,310 --> 00:42:03,272 We were engaged for five years. He's not as stupid as I was. 617 00:42:03,397 --> 00:42:07,735 Are you stupid, Pop? Find out for yourself! That's the trouble with kids: lazy! 618 00:42:07,818 --> 00:42:11,322 Will you go up? Get up to bed! 619 00:42:11,405 --> 00:42:15,367 Oh, Harry, they'll be gone day after tomorrow. 620 00:42:15,451 --> 00:42:17,536 I'm a peace-loving man. 621 00:42:17,620 --> 00:42:19,747 A good father and husband. 622 00:42:19,830 --> 00:42:23,209 And the result, the home that I hewed out of this wilderness... 623 00:42:23,292 --> 00:42:25,961 with my bare hands is no longer mine. 624 00:42:26,045 --> 00:42:29,298 Tonight, I had to wait until 6:00 for my supper. 625 00:42:29,381 --> 00:42:33,135 And that Peterson grafter, running up my phone bill with long distance calls! 626 00:42:33,260 --> 00:42:37,348 He offered to reimburse you. I don't take Diner's Club cards! 627 00:42:37,431 --> 00:42:41,393 And then that snake in a gold suit insists on parking in‒ 628 00:42:41,477 --> 00:42:45,189 in my beautiful living room! Yech! 629 00:42:45,314 --> 00:42:47,233 You know where I've just been? Where? 630 00:42:47,316 --> 00:42:51,570 To a meeting with the big boys. Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp, my biggest customers. 631 00:42:51,654 --> 00:42:54,323 They don't approve of this kind of notorious goings-on. 632 00:42:54,406 --> 00:42:56,283 Darling, they put pressure on you? 633 00:42:56,367 --> 00:42:59,662 If I don't cancel this whole Birdie deal, 634 00:42:59,787 --> 00:43:02,790 they'll starve me right out of business. Oh, my heavens! 635 00:43:02,873 --> 00:43:05,709 It's, it's, it's them or, or us. 636 00:43:12,508 --> 00:43:15,219 What happened? Are you all right? 637 00:43:15,344 --> 00:43:17,263 What's wrong? Just some of Randolph's chemicals. 638 00:43:17,388 --> 00:43:21,976 Eww. A mixture of Iron Sulfide, plus two parts H2SO4. 639 00:43:22,059 --> 00:43:24,853 Smart boy you have there. It isn't every lad who can make a stench bomb. 640 00:43:24,979 --> 00:43:28,482 Which brings me to Mr. Birdie. Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist. 641 00:43:28,607 --> 00:43:30,901 I couldn't care less. Yes, I am. I have one formula... 642 00:43:30,985 --> 00:43:34,571 which is miraculous in its ability to increase the work output of domestic animals. 643 00:43:34,655 --> 00:43:36,573 About this Birdie‒ 644 00:43:36,657 --> 00:43:39,326 It speeds up the reflexes so that an ox could outrun a racehorse. 645 00:43:39,410 --> 00:43:42,746 By adding in his formula, a hen will lay three eggs a day. 646 00:43:42,830 --> 00:43:45,499 Three eggs a day? If that's so, you can make a million‒ 647 00:43:45,582 --> 00:43:49,128 I've been nursing this compound for a year. Still needs more tests, but it works. 648 00:43:49,253 --> 00:43:52,339 Uh, aren't you in farming? He's McAfee Fertilizer. 649 00:43:52,464 --> 00:43:54,383 Oh, yes. Been in it for 20 years. 650 00:43:54,508 --> 00:43:56,593 Really? But I may be out if‒ 651 00:43:56,677 --> 00:44:00,639 If you and Albert got together, you could revolutionize farm production. 652 00:44:00,764 --> 00:44:03,809 Would you like a demonstration? Do you have a hen? No. 653 00:44:03,892 --> 00:44:06,812 - Uh, how about trying it on that? - A tortoise. I don't know. 654 00:44:06,895 --> 00:44:10,399 Sure. It won't bite. Here, let me. 655 00:44:13,277 --> 00:44:17,906 Of course, there isn't much demand for turtle eggs, but, uh... 656 00:44:17,990 --> 00:44:22,161 if it really works on farm animals, maybe you and me could do some business. 657 00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:28,500 I'll sure need something if I let Kim go through with this Birdie stuff. 658 00:44:28,584 --> 00:44:30,836 Some of Harry's customers are against it. 659 00:44:30,961 --> 00:44:34,923 Yeah, so I've decided it's absolutely out of the question. Your neighbors are going... 660 00:44:35,007 --> 00:44:40,012 to be thrilled when they see the two of you on The Ed Sullivan Show. 661 00:44:40,095 --> 00:44:42,389 The Ed‒ The Ed Sullivan Show. 662 00:44:42,514 --> 00:44:46,393 Uh, yes, we, uh‒ we were saving that as a surprise. Yes, a surprise. 663 00:44:46,518 --> 00:44:50,856 Me, me on Ed Sullivan? Oh, I'd die. What would I wear? 664 00:44:50,981 --> 00:44:52,816 Oh, we'll find something. Gee, Ed Sullivan. 665 00:44:52,900 --> 00:44:57,654 He's my favorite human. That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place. 666 00:44:57,738 --> 00:45:01,241 Me on The Ed Sullivan Show? 667 00:45:01,325 --> 00:45:03,577 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 668 00:45:05,496 --> 00:45:08,040 Me, Harry McAfee, appearing with‒ 669 00:45:08,123 --> 00:45:11,210 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 670 00:45:11,293 --> 00:45:16,465 ♪ Ed Ed Sullivan ♪ 671 00:45:16,548 --> 00:45:18,592 ♪ Ed ♪ 672 00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:23,722 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 673 00:45:23,847 --> 00:45:26,683 ♪ Ahhh ♪ ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 674 00:45:26,809 --> 00:45:29,061 ♪ Ahhh ♪ ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 675 00:45:29,144 --> 00:45:31,563 ♪ Ed Ed ♪ 676 00:45:31,647 --> 00:45:34,566 ♪ Sull Sull ♪ 677 00:45:34,650 --> 00:45:37,152 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 678 00:45:37,236 --> 00:45:39,363 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 679 00:45:39,446 --> 00:45:43,909 ♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪ 680 00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:50,290 ♪ How could any family be ♪ 681 00:45:50,374 --> 00:45:55,504 ♪ Half as fortunate as we ♪ 682 00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:58,298 ♪ We'll be coast-to-coast ♪ 683 00:45:58,382 --> 00:46:02,177 ♪ With our favorite host ♪ 684 00:46:02,261 --> 00:46:08,600 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 685 00:46:09,977 --> 00:46:12,771 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 686 00:46:12,855 --> 00:46:15,274 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 687 00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:19,945 ♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪ 688 00:46:21,363 --> 00:46:24,908 ♪ Ooo-oooh ♪ 689 00:46:25,033 --> 00:46:29,079 I've got a wonderful wife. Two swell kids. ♪ Ooo-ooh ♪ 690 00:46:29,163 --> 00:46:32,624 A good business. And now this. 691 00:46:32,708 --> 00:46:35,627 ♪ Someday we'll recall ♪ 692 00:46:35,711 --> 00:46:39,673 ♪ The greatest day of all ♪ 693 00:46:39,756 --> 00:46:41,675 Ed, I love you. 694 00:46:41,758 --> 00:46:51,351 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪♪ 695 00:46:59,276 --> 00:47:02,696 Hello? Oh, yes. 696 00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:06,241 Harry, it's the Mayor. He sounds mad. 697 00:47:06,325 --> 00:47:08,243 I'll handle this. 698 00:47:09,828 --> 00:47:11,997 Yes? Yes, Mayor. 699 00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:16,502 Yes, the boys talked to me. Yep, I've decided. 700 00:47:16,585 --> 00:47:18,879 Birdie stays right here. 701 00:47:18,962 --> 00:47:20,881 And Kim's on TV. 702 00:47:20,964 --> 00:47:24,760 And what's more, I'm gonna be on the show too. 703 00:47:24,843 --> 00:47:26,720 With Eddie Sullivan. 704 00:47:26,803 --> 00:47:31,308 Now, listen, Harry. You saw what that crazy galoot did at the reception. 705 00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:35,771 It was a disgrace! 706 00:47:35,854 --> 00:47:40,234 Uh, look, Mayor, you're gonna be on TV too. 707 00:47:40,317 --> 00:47:42,903 They want you to make a speech. 708 00:47:44,029 --> 00:47:46,323 They want me... 709 00:47:46,406 --> 00:47:48,408 on Ed Sullivan? 710 00:47:50,410 --> 00:47:53,455 A short speech. Why, sure. 711 00:47:55,249 --> 00:47:58,460 I could become a statewide face. 712 00:47:58,544 --> 00:48:00,712 It's a deal, Mayor. 713 00:48:00,796 --> 00:48:03,382 Sure, I'll plug you up for governor. 714 00:48:03,465 --> 00:48:06,009 Bye, Sam. 715 00:48:06,093 --> 00:48:08,178 What a hambo. 716 00:48:08,262 --> 00:48:12,307 Well, it's, uh‒ it's been a long day, so I think we'll‒ 717 00:48:21,984 --> 00:48:24,903 I'm thinkin' of callin' 'em "Speed-Up." You like it, Mr. McAfee? 718 00:48:24,987 --> 00:48:27,531 "Feed Up With Speed-Up." I love it, partner. 719 00:48:27,656 --> 00:48:31,451 How will Randolph ever catch his tortoise? Just give him one of these. 720 00:48:31,577 --> 00:48:34,538 Hi, Mr. McAfee. Gee, I just wanted to thank you. Huh? 721 00:48:34,621 --> 00:48:39,084 My dad said you're not letting Kim go on TV and kiss that‒ That! 722 00:48:39,167 --> 00:48:41,795 It can't be true! Oh, Mr. McAfee, 723 00:48:41,878 --> 00:48:45,007 you wouldn't destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood. 724 00:48:45,090 --> 00:48:47,926 Oh, sure he would. A father has a right. Right? 725 00:48:48,010 --> 00:48:51,263 Hugo, my daughter's old enough to make her own decisions. 726 00:48:51,346 --> 00:48:53,807 So, I've decided to let her do it. 727 00:48:55,517 --> 00:48:58,937 Well, in that case, your daughter's the former future Mrs. Hugo Peabody. 728 00:48:59,062 --> 00:49:01,231 Oh, Hugo, stop acting like a child. Kim! 729 00:49:01,356 --> 00:49:05,944 Where is he? Can I see him? Conrad's asleep, poor dear. 730 00:49:06,028 --> 00:49:08,280 You may peek through his keyhole, while I‒ 731 00:49:08,363 --> 00:49:11,908 while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo. 732 00:49:26,632 --> 00:49:28,550 You're lucky people. 733 00:49:28,634 --> 00:49:31,845 What'd we ever do to deserve such a daughter? 734 00:49:31,928 --> 00:49:34,514 We got married. 735 00:49:34,598 --> 00:49:36,475 Marriage. 736 00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:39,895 But, Kim‒ Yeah, but, Kim‒ I don't have time for debate. 737 00:49:39,978 --> 00:49:42,981 Ursula's waiting. I've gotta learn my speech for tomorrow's rehearsal. 738 00:49:43,065 --> 00:49:47,152 Wait a minute, Kim. Don't go yet, please. 739 00:49:47,235 --> 00:49:50,947 Gee, you don't know what I've been through with all the guys buggin' me. 740 00:49:51,073 --> 00:49:55,243 Well, about you and that Birdie creep. Oh, that. 741 00:49:55,327 --> 00:49:58,538 Yeah, that! Well, that's silly. 742 00:49:58,622 --> 00:50:01,750 Aw, he means nothing to me. 743 00:50:05,253 --> 00:50:07,255 ♪ One boy ♪ 744 00:50:08,674 --> 00:50:12,678 ♪ One special boy ♪ 745 00:50:12,761 --> 00:50:15,847 ♪ One boy to go with ♪ 746 00:50:15,931 --> 00:50:19,976 ♪ To talk with and walk with ♪ 747 00:50:20,060 --> 00:50:22,479 ♪ One boy ♪ 748 00:50:22,562 --> 00:50:27,526 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 749 00:50:27,609 --> 00:50:31,196 Yeah. Yeah! That's the way it should be. 750 00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:33,365 ♪ One boy ♪ 751 00:50:33,448 --> 00:50:36,034 ♪ One certain boy ♪ 752 00:50:36,118 --> 00:50:38,745 ♪ One boy to laugh with ♪ 753 00:50:38,829 --> 00:50:42,499 ♪ To joke with Have Coke with ♪ 754 00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:45,293 ♪ One boy ♪ 755 00:50:45,377 --> 00:50:50,173 ♪ Not two or three ♪ 756 00:50:53,468 --> 00:50:56,054 ♪ One day ♪ 757 00:50:56,138 --> 00:50:59,391 ♪ You'll find out ♪ 758 00:50:59,474 --> 00:51:05,397 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 759 00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:11,236 ♪ You need someone who ♪ 760 00:51:11,319 --> 00:51:13,572 ♪ Is living ♪ 761 00:51:13,655 --> 00:51:17,701 ♪ Just for you ♪ 762 00:51:17,784 --> 00:51:21,079 ♪ One boy ♪ 763 00:51:21,163 --> 00:51:23,457 ♪ One steady boy ♪ 764 00:51:23,540 --> 00:51:26,042 ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 765 00:51:26,126 --> 00:51:29,755 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ 766 00:51:29,838 --> 00:51:32,632 ♪ One boy ♪ 767 00:51:32,716 --> 00:51:37,679 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 768 00:51:39,181 --> 00:51:45,228 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 769 00:51:52,861 --> 00:51:56,698 Now, is that the kiss of a woman interested in any other man? 770 00:51:59,201 --> 00:52:02,788 I don't know. How do I tell? 771 00:52:07,042 --> 00:52:10,796 Aw, but he made you faint! Oh, he did not! 772 00:52:10,879 --> 00:52:14,549 I-I was just exhausted cramming for my English exam. 773 00:52:16,510 --> 00:52:21,264 Hugo. Hugo, you‒ you've got to try to understand me... 774 00:52:21,348 --> 00:52:23,767 as a woman. 775 00:52:23,850 --> 00:52:27,103 Now, I might like Conrad as a friend. 776 00:52:27,187 --> 00:52:30,440 But when it comes to the real thing‒ 777 00:52:30,524 --> 00:52:33,568 oh, the grand passion‒ 778 00:52:35,278 --> 00:52:38,073 well, that's something special, Hugo. 779 00:52:38,156 --> 00:52:40,992 That's you. 780 00:52:41,076 --> 00:52:43,662 ♪ One day ♪ 781 00:52:43,745 --> 00:52:46,039 ♪ You'll find out ♪ 782 00:52:46,122 --> 00:52:49,501 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 783 00:52:49,584 --> 00:52:54,297 ♪ You need someone who ♪ 784 00:52:54,381 --> 00:52:56,591 ♪ Is living ♪ 785 00:52:56,675 --> 00:53:01,054 ♪ Just for you ♪ 786 00:53:01,137 --> 00:53:03,348 ♪ One boy ♪ 787 00:53:03,431 --> 00:53:05,809 ♪ One steady boy ♪ 788 00:53:05,892 --> 00:53:08,186 ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 789 00:53:08,270 --> 00:53:10,939 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ 790 00:53:11,022 --> 00:53:13,859 ♪ One boy ♪ 791 00:53:13,942 --> 00:53:20,282 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 792 00:53:20,365 --> 00:53:23,368 ♪ That's the way ♪ 793 00:53:23,451 --> 00:53:29,499 ♪ It should be ♪ 794 00:53:33,461 --> 00:53:36,047 Homework! Hey, I got homework to do! 795 00:53:36,131 --> 00:53:37,841 Come on. 796 00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:55,358 ♪ When will he find out ♪ 797 00:53:55,442 --> 00:54:00,322 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 798 00:54:01,698 --> 00:54:06,328 ♪ Will he ever see ♪ 799 00:54:07,787 --> 00:54:11,499 ♪ I need him ♪ 800 00:54:11,583 --> 00:54:18,340 ♪ And he needs me ♪ 801 00:54:18,465 --> 00:54:22,385 ♪ One boy ♪ ♪ One special boy ♪ 802 00:54:22,510 --> 00:54:24,971 ♪ One special boy ♪ ♪ One boy ♪ 803 00:54:25,096 --> 00:54:28,391 ♪ To be with always ♪ ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 804 00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:33,438 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ ♪ Forever ♪ 805 00:54:33,521 --> 00:54:37,359 ♪ I love him ♪ ♪ One boy ♪ 806 00:54:37,484 --> 00:54:46,034 ♪ I love him so ♪ ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 807 00:54:47,911 --> 00:54:54,292 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 808 00:54:58,254 --> 00:55:02,467 ♪ That's the way ♪ 809 00:55:03,885 --> 00:55:11,059 ♪ It should be ♪♪ 810 00:55:28,785 --> 00:55:33,248 Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-In. I'm looking for my mother, Mrs. Peterson. 811 00:55:33,331 --> 00:55:37,502 Are you sure there's no one left in your drive-in? Okay, thank you. 812 00:55:37,585 --> 00:55:40,463 Don't worry, partner. Your mother'll get along fine. 813 00:55:40,547 --> 00:55:42,841 Sweet Apple's full of friendly folk. 814 00:55:42,924 --> 00:55:45,552 Oh, if anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself. 815 00:55:45,677 --> 00:55:48,138 What kind of a dump is this? Dump? 816 00:55:48,221 --> 00:55:52,767 Conrad. Let's humor him, partner. If he walks off The Sullivan Show, we're sunk. 817 00:55:52,851 --> 00:55:54,769 Gotcha. 818 00:55:56,980 --> 00:55:59,566 I can't find no church key in my room. 819 00:55:59,649 --> 00:56:02,902 Church key? We've had a church here, but it's open. 820 00:56:03,028 --> 00:56:08,366 - A can opener, man. Sheesh. - You're from nowhere-like. 821 00:56:18,418 --> 00:56:21,755 Well, that's my favorite brand. 822 00:56:21,838 --> 00:56:25,008 Well, it's, uh... bedtime, huh, Conrad? 823 00:56:27,886 --> 00:56:31,765 Okay, for tonight. But tomorrow's Saturday. 824 00:56:31,848 --> 00:56:35,560 And that's my real tense night. 825 00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,404 Thanks, Mr. McAfee. 826 00:56:46,488 --> 00:56:50,700 The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy. 827 00:56:50,784 --> 00:56:52,911 I am a lucky man, though, Albert. 828 00:56:52,994 --> 00:56:55,371 Meetin' up with a biochemical wizard. 829 00:56:55,455 --> 00:56:58,750 Peterson and McAfee are goin' right to the moon. 830 00:56:58,833 --> 00:57:03,630 I've got to. Not just for my mother, for Rosie. 831 00:57:09,844 --> 00:57:12,430 Well, I guess I'll get a little air and turn in. 832 00:57:12,514 --> 00:57:15,975 Take all the air you want, chum. 833 00:57:31,741 --> 00:57:34,035 Hi, Rosie. 834 00:57:35,578 --> 00:57:39,249 Rosie, you don't have to worry about Mama. She'll show up. 835 00:57:39,374 --> 00:57:42,293 I'm certain she will. Well, then you oughta be happy. 836 00:57:42,377 --> 00:57:47,006 Kim's on the show. Conrad does my song. I promise I'll tell Mama about us. 837 00:57:49,050 --> 00:57:51,511 Come on. 838 00:58:03,773 --> 00:58:06,651 ♪ Why look so awfully tragic ♪ 839 00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:09,070 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 840 00:58:09,154 --> 00:58:11,823 ♪ Smiling can work like magic ♪ 841 00:58:11,906 --> 00:58:14,450 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 842 00:58:14,534 --> 00:58:17,745 ♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪ 843 00:58:17,829 --> 00:58:19,956 ♪ It's not your style ♪ 844 00:58:20,039 --> 00:58:23,543 ♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided ♪ 845 00:58:23,626 --> 00:58:25,587 ♪ To smile ♪ 846 00:58:25,670 --> 00:58:28,214 ♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook ♪ 847 00:58:28,298 --> 00:58:30,842 ♪ Stick out that noble chin ♪ 848 00:58:30,925 --> 00:58:33,845 ♪ Wipe off the full-of-doubt look ♪ 849 00:58:33,928 --> 00:58:36,681 ♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪ 850 00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:40,685 ♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪ 851 00:58:40,768 --> 00:58:45,106 ♪ Just put on a happy face ♪ 852 00:58:49,694 --> 00:58:52,030 Flowers? 853 00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:54,657 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 854 00:58:57,243 --> 00:58:59,996 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 855 00:59:02,749 --> 00:59:04,959 ♪ It's such a strain ♪ 856 00:59:05,043 --> 00:59:07,879 ♪ I always try to chuckle hourly ♪ 857 00:59:07,962 --> 00:59:10,590 ♪ It clears the brain ♪ 858 00:59:13,009 --> 00:59:17,597 ♪ I knew a girl so gloomy She'd never laugh or sing ♪ 859 00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:20,391 ♪ She wouldn't listen to me ♪ 860 00:59:20,475 --> 00:59:22,644 ♪ Now she's a mean old thing♪ 861 00:59:22,727 --> 00:59:28,191 ♪ So spread sunshine all over the place ♪ 862 00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:31,736 ♪ Put on a happy ♪ 863 01:00:44,267 --> 01:00:51,983 ♪ So put on a happy face ♪♪ 864 01:01:06,748 --> 01:01:10,501 Well, like I said, 865 01:01:10,585 --> 01:01:13,296 you're a genius, Dr. Peterson. 866 01:01:13,379 --> 01:01:17,342 Ah, honey, you sure have put up with a lot, but this time we're gonna make it. 867 01:01:17,467 --> 01:01:21,012 Let's live in a small town like this. Anything you say, dear. 868 01:01:21,137 --> 01:01:25,183 Okay? The last time we were alone together, 869 01:01:25,266 --> 01:01:29,062 last summer at Palisades Park, we went through the Tunnel of Love. 870 01:01:29,145 --> 01:01:31,064 Your mother sat between us. 871 01:01:31,147 --> 01:01:34,108 Oh, honey, I told you, from now on, things are gonna be different. 872 01:01:34,192 --> 01:01:38,029 Yoo-hoo! Albert! It's Mama. 873 01:01:38,112 --> 01:01:40,031 Mama? 874 01:01:40,114 --> 01:01:42,033 Mama! 875 01:01:43,451 --> 01:01:47,705 Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. 876 01:01:47,789 --> 01:01:51,125 Boy gets mother. Eeew-ooo! 877 01:01:54,045 --> 01:01:58,216 Mama, where have you been? Neglected! That's where I've been. 878 01:01:58,299 --> 01:02:01,469 Well, I tried to find you. Have you had any dinner? 879 01:02:01,552 --> 01:02:05,807 A mother doesn't need food. Besides, I'd rather be with my famous son. 880 01:02:05,890 --> 01:02:09,727 Albert, what is it? Oh, it's your mother. Oh, good evening. 881 01:02:09,852 --> 01:02:12,605 How are you, ma'am? How can I be? 882 01:02:12,688 --> 01:02:16,067 Ripped from my native land, alone in this jungle. 883 01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:19,028 Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room to put up your mother. 884 01:02:19,112 --> 01:02:23,157 Thanks. A motel mattress full of lumps is good enough for me. 885 01:02:23,241 --> 01:02:26,244 Comfort is for my loving son. 886 01:02:26,327 --> 01:02:29,080 Oh! 887 01:02:31,457 --> 01:02:34,043 I just came to tuck you into bed. 888 01:02:34,127 --> 01:02:37,088 Mama's got a condition. She won't tell me what it is. 889 01:02:37,171 --> 01:02:39,924 Why worry a growing boy? 890 01:02:40,007 --> 01:02:43,094 Okay, if you insist. 891 01:02:43,177 --> 01:02:46,681 I got maybe one-tenth a normal heart. 892 01:02:46,764 --> 01:02:49,058 A mother doesn't need a heart. 893 01:02:49,142 --> 01:02:52,019 As soon as Albert and I get our new deal a-rollin', 894 01:02:52,103 --> 01:02:54,689 you'll have the finest doctors in the country. 895 01:02:54,772 --> 01:02:58,151 Deal? What deal, Albert? 896 01:02:58,234 --> 01:03:03,239 Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music business and going back to chemistry. 897 01:03:03,322 --> 01:03:07,243 That Rosie! She's finally turned you against me. 898 01:03:07,326 --> 01:03:09,287 Ah, please, Mama, she didn't! 899 01:03:09,370 --> 01:03:11,414 Albert, go, desert me! 900 01:03:11,497 --> 01:03:15,626 But when I was expecting him in the maternity ward, three days I waited. 901 01:03:15,710 --> 01:03:17,795 Did I desert him? No. 902 01:03:17,879 --> 01:03:21,257 I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born! 903 01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:24,635 Mama, please don't excite yourself. Mama, you know I love you. 904 01:03:24,719 --> 01:03:27,472 It's just Rosie and I have plans. Okay. 905 01:03:27,555 --> 01:03:29,891 Lou. 906 01:03:29,974 --> 01:03:31,893 I'll be right up. 907 01:03:31,976 --> 01:03:33,978 Start dealing. 908 01:03:36,314 --> 01:03:41,152 Just bury me on your front lawn so Rosie can walk all over me! 909 01:03:43,696 --> 01:03:46,240 Mama! Mama, please! 910 01:03:46,324 --> 01:03:50,161 It's not gas. It's electric. Doris! 911 01:03:50,244 --> 01:03:53,664 Doris! Doris! 912 01:03:53,748 --> 01:03:57,502 Doris, how do you like it? Isn't it exciting? 913 01:03:57,585 --> 01:04:01,422 No, no, no! I told you not to dye your hair! 914 01:04:01,506 --> 01:04:04,008 Oh, but I wanted to. Isn't it a gas? 915 01:04:04,091 --> 01:04:06,427 You dare defy your mother? 916 01:04:06,511 --> 01:04:09,889 - Well, it's my hair. - Not till you're 21. 917 01:04:09,972 --> 01:04:14,185 - What's the matter, Papa? - Young lady, you stay in your room till it changes back! 918 01:04:14,268 --> 01:04:16,604 Do ya hear? I won't! I won't! 919 01:04:16,729 --> 01:04:19,190 I demand respect around here. It's my hair. 920 01:04:19,273 --> 01:04:22,443 - Respect, do ya hear? Respect! - I respect you, Papa. 921 01:04:22,527 --> 01:04:24,862 I don't want your respect. 922 01:04:24,946 --> 01:04:28,866 Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid? 923 01:04:28,950 --> 01:04:32,870 ♪ Kids I don't know what's wrong with these kids today ♪ 924 01:04:32,954 --> 01:04:37,291 ♪ Kids Who can understand anything they say ♪ 925 01:04:37,375 --> 01:04:41,546 ♪ Kids They are disobedient disrespectful oafs ♪ 926 01:04:41,629 --> 01:04:45,967 ♪ Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers While we're on the subject ♪ 927 01:04:46,050 --> 01:04:50,137 ♪ Kids You can talk and talk till your face is blue ♪ 928 01:04:50,221 --> 01:04:54,475 ♪ Kids But they still do just what they want to do ♪ 929 01:04:54,559 --> 01:04:56,852 ♪ Why can't they be like we were ♪ 930 01:04:56,936 --> 01:04:58,938 ♪ Perfect in every way ♪ 931 01:04:59,021 --> 01:05:01,983 ♪ What's the matter with kids today ♪ 932 01:05:03,609 --> 01:05:07,071 ♪ Kids I've tried to raise you the best I could ♪ 933 01:05:07,154 --> 01:05:11,909 ♪ Kids All the things I've done were for your own good ♪ 934 01:05:11,993 --> 01:05:16,414 ♪ Kids Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed ♪ 935 01:05:16,497 --> 01:05:20,710 ♪ Working, slaving scrimping, saving pennies And living with your father ♪ 936 01:05:20,793 --> 01:05:23,588 ♪ Kids No one knows the burdens I've had to bear ♪ 937 01:05:23,671 --> 01:05:25,590 ♪ And in my condition ♪ 938 01:05:25,673 --> 01:05:29,343 ♪ Kids I'm a poor sick woman and does he care, ha ♪ 939 01:05:29,427 --> 01:05:33,723 ♪ Go on, go on and kill me That's what it's coming to ♪ 940 01:05:33,806 --> 01:05:37,018 ♪ When a mother has kids like you ♪ 941 01:05:38,686 --> 01:05:41,439 ♪ Kids ♪ ♪ All the chicken soup that I made for you ♪ 942 01:05:41,522 --> 01:05:43,441 Mama, take it easy. ♪ Kids ♪ 943 01:05:43,524 --> 01:05:46,485 ♪ Now you throw me out like a worn-out shoe ♪ 944 01:05:46,569 --> 01:05:51,115 Not in front of everybody, Mom. ♪ After all, I haven't been such an awful son ♪ 945 01:05:51,198 --> 01:05:54,535 ♪ I never sassed you back or leave a ring around the bathtub ♪ 946 01:05:54,660 --> 01:05:56,704 ♪ And don't I always phone you ♪ ♪ Kids ♪ 947 01:05:56,787 --> 01:05:59,957 ♪ You can give your life to them night and day ♪ 948 01:06:00,041 --> 01:06:02,501 ♪ Kids Then they go get married ♪ Married? Aah! 949 01:06:02,627 --> 01:06:04,629 ♪ And move away ♪ Who's gettin' married? 950 01:06:04,712 --> 01:06:06,797 ♪ Why do we have these children ♪ 951 01:06:06,881 --> 01:06:10,176 ♪ Better to have a pet ♪ You know where you stand with the pet. 952 01:06:12,762 --> 01:06:15,014 ♪ I've never asked for nothin' ♪ 953 01:06:15,097 --> 01:06:17,016 ♪ Nothin' is what you'll get ♪ 954 01:06:17,099 --> 01:06:20,102 ♪ What's the matter with kids to‒ ♪ 955 01:06:20,227 --> 01:06:23,898 I tried, Lou, but I failed. Oh, you didn't, Mama. 956 01:06:23,981 --> 01:06:26,984 Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive ya. 957 01:06:27,109 --> 01:06:31,238 So what if you're an ingrate, so long as you're happy. I don't wanna be happy. 958 01:06:31,322 --> 01:06:36,077 Don't feel guilty. Just make believe I'm an old, used car. Junk me, leave me in the gutter. 959 01:06:36,202 --> 01:06:38,245 I'll never leave you. Never. You heard him. 960 01:06:38,329 --> 01:06:41,957 - You're a witness. - I promise, Mama. I never broke a promise to my mama. 961 01:06:42,083 --> 01:06:45,461 Good boy. ♪ Why can't they be like Albert ♪ 962 01:06:45,544 --> 01:06:49,715 - ♪ Perfect in every way ♪ - ♪ What's the matter with kids ♪ 963 01:06:49,799 --> 01:06:52,051 ♪ Yeah, what's the matter with kids ♪ 964 01:06:52,134 --> 01:06:55,846 ♪ Nothing's the matter with kids today ♪♪ 965 01:06:58,307 --> 01:07:01,185 Mr. Paisley, this is Rose De Leon. 966 01:07:01,268 --> 01:07:06,732 You asked me to call if I had any free time. Well, I'm free. Very free. 967 01:07:06,816 --> 01:07:10,069 - Rosie! - Ten minutes? 968 01:07:10,152 --> 01:07:12,697 Oh, I'll be waiting for you. 969 01:07:15,366 --> 01:07:18,411 Well‒ Don't worry, sonny. You can always get another secretary. 970 01:07:18,494 --> 01:07:20,454 Rosie! 971 01:07:24,583 --> 01:07:27,878 Can you see him? Can you see him? 972 01:07:27,962 --> 01:07:29,922 No. Babette, can you see him? 973 01:07:30,005 --> 01:07:34,802 I can't see him. All I can see is the basketball hoop. Hey, Gret, can you see him? 974 01:07:34,885 --> 01:07:37,471 Conrad Birdie in our gym. 975 01:07:37,638 --> 01:07:39,765 ♪ Uh, uh, oh ♪ 976 01:07:39,849 --> 01:07:42,017 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 977 01:07:42,101 --> 01:07:44,645 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 978 01:07:44,729 --> 01:07:48,566 ♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪ 979 01:07:48,649 --> 01:07:52,737 ♪ It really is sublime Ah, baby, so sublime ♪ 980 01:07:52,820 --> 01:07:54,905 ♪ You know I need your love ♪ 981 01:07:54,989 --> 01:07:59,118 ♪ Uh, uh, oh Gimme one last kiss♪ 982 01:07:59,201 --> 01:08:02,413 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 983 01:08:02,496 --> 01:08:06,083 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by ♪ 984 01:08:06,167 --> 01:08:10,296 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪ 985 01:08:10,379 --> 01:08:14,925 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by♪ 986 01:08:15,009 --> 01:08:19,096 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss♪ 987 01:08:19,180 --> 01:08:24,101 ♪ Oh, one last kiss♪ 988 01:08:24,185 --> 01:08:26,479 ♪ Give me one last kiss♪ 989 01:08:26,562 --> 01:08:30,775 ♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this♪ 990 01:08:30,858 --> 01:08:32,985 ♪ Ya know I need your love ♪ 991 01:08:33,068 --> 01:08:35,780 ♪ Uh, uh, oh‒ ♪♪ Okay, cut. 992 01:08:35,863 --> 01:08:39,700 We'll rehearse the song later, Conrad. Al, what's the exact length? 993 01:08:39,784 --> 01:08:43,704 Oh, uh, one, uh‒ 1:20. 994 01:08:43,788 --> 01:08:47,249 Check. That gives us two minutes and forty seconds for Sullivan's intro to Kim. 995 01:08:47,333 --> 01:08:51,629 Kim's good luck speech to Conrad. Then Conrad socks over a plug for army enlistment. 996 01:08:51,712 --> 01:08:55,633 Bangs into the song. And we top it all off with a big kisseroo. Kim? 997 01:08:55,716 --> 01:08:58,636 Yes, sir. 998 01:08:58,719 --> 01:09:02,181 Uh, uh, beg, beg pardon, but when do I make my speech? 999 01:09:02,264 --> 01:09:04,183 Speech? What speech? 1000 01:09:04,266 --> 01:09:08,187 I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few words. After all, he's Kim's father. 1001 01:09:08,312 --> 01:09:11,607 Yes, he is. Kind of a hello from a proud parent. 1002 01:09:11,690 --> 01:09:16,153 All right. But ya can't have much time. In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds on the nose. 1003 01:09:16,237 --> 01:09:21,158 Gotcha. I'll just say a few words, get some big laughs. And introduce the Mayor. 1004 01:09:21,242 --> 01:09:23,828 The Mayor? Aw, come on, Al, what is this? 1005 01:09:23,911 --> 01:09:26,747 I‒ We had a problem. 1006 01:09:26,831 --> 01:09:29,708 I had to give the Mayor a spot to humor McAfee. 1007 01:09:29,792 --> 01:09:33,921 All right. All right. But we'll have to take ten seconds away from McAfee. 1008 01:09:34,046 --> 01:09:37,675 I imagine songwriting must be quite a lucrative profession. Oh, yes, it is. 1009 01:09:37,758 --> 01:09:40,469 Well, how many records of this song will they sell? 1010 01:09:40,594 --> 01:09:42,513 Oh, about one or two million. 1011 01:09:42,596 --> 01:09:45,474 You know, Claude, I had a perfectly wonderful time last night. 1012 01:09:45,599 --> 01:09:47,935 You really are a wonderful dancer. Oh, I don't know. 1013 01:09:48,060 --> 01:09:51,730 When one's heart sings, one's feet take wings. Oh, how lyrical. 1014 01:09:51,856 --> 01:09:54,984 Is that Shelley or Keats? That, my dear, is Paisley. 1015 01:09:55,109 --> 01:09:57,027 Really? That's wonderful. Uh-huh. 1016 01:09:57,111 --> 01:09:59,071 Shall we go? 1017 01:09:59,154 --> 01:10:01,073 Surely. 1018 01:10:04,285 --> 01:10:06,787 Okay, everybody, take your places. 1019 01:10:06,871 --> 01:10:08,831 Now, come on, Kim, move right over there. 1020 01:10:08,956 --> 01:10:11,250 Just read it like you normally would. 1021 01:10:11,333 --> 01:10:15,004 And we, your admirers, are proud that our military leaders have called upon you‒ 1022 01:10:15,087 --> 01:10:18,966 Conrad, honey. Please, Mrs. Peterson, we're rehearsing. 1023 01:10:19,091 --> 01:10:21,719 All right now, Kim. 1024 01:10:21,802 --> 01:10:25,472 Could you move over one, please? 1025 01:10:25,556 --> 01:10:30,185 Kim, you're talking too fast. Now once more, dear, but slower. 1026 01:10:30,311 --> 01:10:34,815 To express to you‒ Tell me, Mrs. Peterson, what does your husband do? 1027 01:10:34,899 --> 01:10:37,443 I don't know. He's dead. 1028 01:10:37,526 --> 01:10:39,737 And‒ And‒ 1029 01:10:39,820 --> 01:10:43,532 And I want to say on behalf of all the girls... 1030 01:10:43,616 --> 01:10:46,702 who are your devoted admirers‒ 1031 01:10:46,827 --> 01:10:49,580 Oh, I forgot what's next. Come on, man, let's go. 1032 01:10:49,663 --> 01:10:51,165 Hiya, Hugo. Hi, Kim. 1033 01:10:51,248 --> 01:10:53,834 - Look. - They don't want this jazz. They want Conrad. 1034 01:10:53,918 --> 01:10:57,671 There's the camera. I bail in. I sing up a storm. 1035 01:10:57,755 --> 01:10:59,965 I give this chick the message. 1036 01:11:02,217 --> 01:11:04,762 This is my best side. 1037 01:11:04,845 --> 01:11:07,723 - She's fainted! - Applause. Applause. I'll dig you later, Dad. 1038 01:11:07,806 --> 01:11:11,477 - I've had enough! I'll put my foot down! - My baby! 1039 01:11:11,560 --> 01:11:13,979 I'm putting my foot down! She's not going on that show! 1040 01:11:14,104 --> 01:11:18,150 Oh, yes, she is. You're not wrecking my career. Oh, what happened? 1041 01:11:18,233 --> 01:11:20,653 Tell him you're through because you do not wish... 1042 01:11:20,736 --> 01:11:23,155 to humiliate your steady in this sordid fashion. 1043 01:11:23,238 --> 01:11:25,407 Hugo Peabody, you take that back! 1044 01:11:25,532 --> 01:11:28,160 I will not, but I will take my pin back! 1045 01:11:28,243 --> 01:11:30,537 Oh, with pleasure! 1046 01:11:38,629 --> 01:11:42,800 Conrad, I know you're tense, but we haven't finished the number. It's not ready. 1047 01:11:42,883 --> 01:11:45,844 Conrad's a trooper, like I was. Us troopers get tense. 1048 01:11:45,928 --> 01:11:47,846 Yeah, man, like she said like. 1049 01:11:47,930 --> 01:11:50,766 Why don't you and I go for a nice ride in the country? 1050 01:11:50,849 --> 01:11:55,145 Uh-uh. Man, I hope I never get that tense. 1051 01:11:57,898 --> 01:12:00,275 I never should have said that to Rosie. 1052 01:12:00,401 --> 01:12:03,654 Who does he think he is? Al, I got a wire from Sullivan. 1053 01:12:03,737 --> 01:12:06,949 "Russian Ballet switching to different dance, requiring additional four minutes. 1054 01:12:07,074 --> 01:12:11,286 "Therefore, the entire Birdie spot must be cut to less than 30 seconds. Cut? 1055 01:12:11,370 --> 01:12:14,373 Tell Peterson and Rosie I'm sorry, song is out, but no choice." 1056 01:12:14,456 --> 01:12:18,085 Oh, no! No, no! They can't do this! They can't cut the song! 1057 01:12:18,168 --> 01:12:22,339 They've already done it, kid. In thirty seconds, all Birdie can do is take a bow. 1058 01:12:22,423 --> 01:12:24,341 I'm awfully sorry. 1059 01:12:25,592 --> 01:12:27,469 The Russians! 1060 01:12:27,553 --> 01:12:32,516 First they take Czechoslovakia, now they take my four minutes! Oh, Mama. 1061 01:12:32,599 --> 01:12:35,019 Oh, baby. Oh. 1062 01:12:35,102 --> 01:12:38,313 Well, that's‒ that's show business. 1063 01:13:05,466 --> 01:13:09,720 ♪ There are chicks just right for some kissin' ♪ 1064 01:13:09,803 --> 01:13:14,099 ♪ And I mean to kiss me a few ♪ 1065 01:13:14,183 --> 01:13:18,645 ♪ Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin' ♪ 1066 01:13:18,729 --> 01:13:22,566 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1067 01:13:22,649 --> 01:13:27,196 ♪ Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin' ♪ 1068 01:13:27,279 --> 01:13:31,075 ♪ And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new ♪ 1069 01:13:31,158 --> 01:13:36,246 ♪ Gotta move 'cause time is a-wastin' ♪ 1070 01:13:36,330 --> 01:13:39,958 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1071 01:13:40,042 --> 01:13:43,170 ♪ There's music to play Places to go ♪ 1072 01:13:43,253 --> 01:13:45,130 ♪ People to see ♪ 1073 01:13:45,214 --> 01:13:49,134 ♪ Everything for you and me ♪ 1074 01:13:49,218 --> 01:13:53,430 ♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪ 1075 01:13:53,514 --> 01:13:57,810 ♪ And it's all just waitin' for you ♪ 1076 01:13:57,893 --> 01:14:02,106 ♪ You're alive so come on and show it ♪ 1077 01:14:02,189 --> 01:14:06,110 ♪ Yeah, we've got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1078 01:14:06,193 --> 01:14:09,279 ♪ There are men ♪ 1079 01:14:09,363 --> 01:14:12,074 ♪ With childhood behind them ♪ 1080 01:14:13,534 --> 01:14:16,662 ♪ Handsome men ♪ 1081 01:14:16,745 --> 01:14:19,039 ♪ From Yale or Purdue ♪ 1082 01:14:20,874 --> 01:14:23,961 ♪ Older men ♪ 1083 01:14:24,044 --> 01:14:26,672 ♪ And I'm gonna find 'em ♪ 1084 01:14:28,549 --> 01:14:35,097 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1085 01:14:35,180 --> 01:14:40,310 ♪ I-I-I'm a-gonna have fun Gonna be wild ♪ 1086 01:14:40,394 --> 01:14:43,230 ♪ Have my own way ♪ 1087 01:14:43,313 --> 01:14:46,650 ♪ I may break ♪ 1088 01:14:46,733 --> 01:14:49,736 ♪ A heart a day ♪ 1089 01:14:50,612 --> 01:14:53,782 ♪ Drink champagne ♪ 1090 01:14:53,866 --> 01:14:56,451 ♪ As if it were water ♪ 1091 01:14:58,245 --> 01:15:00,247 ♪ Pink champagne ♪ 1092 01:15:01,373 --> 01:15:04,209 ♪ And after a few ♪ 1093 01:15:05,252 --> 01:15:08,672 ♪ Daddy dear ♪ 1094 01:15:08,755 --> 01:15:11,592 ♪ You won't know your daughter ♪ 1095 01:15:13,677 --> 01:15:19,057 ♪ She's got a lot of livin' to do ♪ ♪♪ 1096 01:15:24,229 --> 01:15:28,525 ♪ Think I'll be a ring-a-ding drummer ♪ 1097 01:15:28,609 --> 01:15:32,863 ♪ Make each week a thousand or two ♪ 1098 01:15:32,946 --> 01:15:36,867 ♪ Gorgeous girls will beg for my number ♪ 1099 01:15:36,950 --> 01:15:41,622 ♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin ' to do ♪ 1100 01:15:41,705 --> 01:15:44,291 ♪ Yes, I'm gonna break out Gonna take off ♪ 1101 01:15:44,374 --> 01:15:46,710 ♪ Gonna be free ♪ 1102 01:15:46,793 --> 01:15:50,964 ♪ This town is awfully square for a cat like me ♪ 1103 01:15:51,048 --> 01:15:54,843 ♪ Or I'll be a superjet pilot♪ 1104 01:15:54,927 --> 01:15:58,889 ♪ Fly me high way out in the blue ♪ 1105 01:15:58,972 --> 01:16:03,560 ♪ Then they'll see I'm no shrinking violet ♪ 1106 01:16:03,644 --> 01:16:06,980 ♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin ' to do ♪ 1107 01:18:39,049 --> 01:18:44,137 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1108 01:19:05,575 --> 01:19:08,870 ♪ There's music to play ♪ ♪ Places to go ♪ 1109 01:19:08,954 --> 01:19:10,914 ♪ People to see ♪ 1110 01:19:10,997 --> 01:19:15,085 ♪ Ah, everything for you and me ♪ 1111 01:19:15,168 --> 01:19:19,381 ♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪ 1112 01:19:19,464 --> 01:19:23,760 ♪ Yeah, and it's all just waitin' for you ♪ 1113 01:19:23,844 --> 01:19:28,265 ♪ Oh, you're alive so come on and show it ♪ 1114 01:19:28,348 --> 01:19:33,019 ♪ Yeah, we got a lot of livin' Such a lot of livin' ♪ 1115 01:19:33,103 --> 01:19:35,605 ♪ Tonight's the night we're gonna fly ♪ 1116 01:19:35,689 --> 01:19:38,608 ♪ Let's kick this hick town into high ♪ 1117 01:19:42,237 --> 01:19:44,614 ♪ I want a taste of everything ♪ 1118 01:19:44,698 --> 01:19:47,284 ♪ Let's live it up and really swing ♪ 1119 01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:50,287 ♪ Got a lot of livin' ♪ 1120 01:19:50,370 --> 01:19:53,123 ♪ Livin', livin', livin' ♪ 1121 01:19:53,206 --> 01:19:56,543 ♪ Livin' to do ♪♪ Live! 1122 01:20:13,393 --> 01:20:15,312 Hugo. 1123 01:20:45,425 --> 01:20:49,179 But you needn't bite my head off. I only asked a civil question. 1124 01:20:49,262 --> 01:20:53,600 Ten times you've asked me. I don't know why they changed to this slow dance for TV. 1125 01:20:53,683 --> 01:20:57,354 If Albert can't get 'em to cut it shorter, tomorrow night I won't be on Ed Sullivan. 1126 01:20:57,479 --> 01:21:01,024 And neither will Kim, and you know how much it means to her. How about m‒ 1127 01:21:01,107 --> 01:21:04,819 Well, anyway, Albert's still in with the manager, so that's a good sign. 1128 01:21:04,903 --> 01:21:07,781 If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how's Albert gonna talk to 'em? 1129 01:21:07,864 --> 01:21:12,327 Uh‒ Ahem. 1130 01:21:18,041 --> 01:21:20,669 Jack Kennedy. 1131 01:21:20,752 --> 01:21:22,712 Oh, uh, long live Joseph Stalin. 1132 01:21:22,837 --> 01:21:25,674 Stalin? I mean, uh, Stalin‒ Stalin lived too long. 1133 01:21:25,799 --> 01:21:28,343 Long live Khrushchev. 1134 01:21:32,973 --> 01:21:35,058 Ah! 1135 01:21:38,311 --> 01:21:40,564 Um... 1136 01:21:45,819 --> 01:21:48,488 Save your life? Me? 1137 01:21:48,572 --> 01:21:51,283 My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor. 1138 01:21:51,366 --> 01:21:55,996 "If you're sick, see a doctor." You-You speak English? 1139 01:21:56,079 --> 01:21:58,832 It saves time. 1140 01:21:58,915 --> 01:22:03,086 What can I do for you‒ Uh, Mr., eh, Peterson? 1141 01:22:03,169 --> 01:22:06,590 Sir, I have‒ I have come to appeal to you. 1142 01:22:06,673 --> 01:22:09,342 That ballet, the one you're doing on TV tomorrow night. 1143 01:22:09,426 --> 01:22:11,636 Da. Mr. Ed Sullivan. 1144 01:22:11,720 --> 01:22:15,890 Yeah, that's the one. Could, could you just cut that four minutes? 1145 01:22:15,974 --> 01:22:18,018 Well, it's beautiful. I love it. 1146 01:22:18,101 --> 01:22:20,604 But my life depends on it. 1147 01:22:20,687 --> 01:22:23,148 Desecrate this classic? 1148 01:22:23,231 --> 01:22:26,026 I need the time for Conrad Birdie to sing my song. 1149 01:22:27,569 --> 01:22:30,780 Who sent you here? Senator Goldwater? 1150 01:22:30,864 --> 01:22:33,867 Will you cut three minutes? 1151 01:22:33,950 --> 01:22:36,119 Two minutes? 1152 01:22:36,202 --> 01:22:38,830 A minute and a half? 1153 01:22:38,913 --> 01:22:41,958 To cut even ten seconds would be artistic sabotage. 1154 01:22:42,042 --> 01:22:44,794 This ballet has historic significance. 1155 01:22:44,878 --> 01:22:48,006 It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Czar. 1156 01:22:48,089 --> 01:22:50,967 Lenin himself made the arrangement. 1157 01:22:51,092 --> 01:22:55,221 - Lenin arranged music? - No, funerals. 1158 01:23:01,061 --> 01:23:04,856 Hello, Rose. Oh, hi, Kim. You still up? 1159 01:23:04,939 --> 01:23:07,984 Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose. 1160 01:23:08,068 --> 01:23:12,697 I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even going to be on TV. 1161 01:23:12,822 --> 01:23:16,076 Why not? Oh, the Ballet's taking four extra minutes, 1162 01:23:16,159 --> 01:23:19,037 so Birdie's song and the kiss are out. 1163 01:23:19,120 --> 01:23:22,332 Well, serves Albert right. 1164 01:23:22,415 --> 01:23:24,709 Oh, now come on, relax. 1165 01:23:24,793 --> 01:23:27,962 Faithless men like Albert and Hugo, they're all alike. 1166 01:23:28,046 --> 01:23:31,841 From puberty to stupidity, from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini. 1167 01:23:31,925 --> 01:23:36,262 Men... we laugh at them. Right? 1168 01:23:36,346 --> 01:23:41,017 It's easy for you to pick up the pieces of your shattered dream. 1169 01:23:41,101 --> 01:23:44,020 You've found a compensation. 1170 01:23:44,104 --> 01:23:49,109 Oh, that Claude Paisley's just too much. 1171 01:23:49,192 --> 01:23:52,112 He's too much all right. 1172 01:23:52,195 --> 01:23:54,406 But I won't mention of what. 1173 01:23:54,489 --> 01:23:57,325 All that charm, so genteel, 1174 01:23:57,409 --> 01:24:00,453 so educated, so underhanded! 1175 01:24:03,498 --> 01:24:08,545 You mean Mr. Paisley's like all the rest? I thought he was the marrying type. 1176 01:24:08,628 --> 01:24:12,799 Oh, he is. He is. He wanted to elope tonight. 1177 01:24:12,882 --> 01:24:15,635 And you know what? He'd like to live in New York. 1178 01:24:15,719 --> 01:24:18,054 Uh, not to teach. To be a songwriter. 1179 01:24:18,138 --> 01:24:20,473 A songwriter? 1180 01:24:20,557 --> 01:24:23,560 He's all the things I wanna get away from. 1181 01:24:23,643 --> 01:24:25,562 Oh, I'm sorry. 1182 01:24:25,645 --> 01:24:29,232 I never dreamed that Mr. Paisley, of all men‒ 1183 01:24:29,315 --> 01:24:33,862 Oh, well, men. They're only out to use us, Kim. 1184 01:24:33,945 --> 01:24:36,740 I know. Hugo's used me since we were freshmen. 1185 01:24:36,823 --> 01:24:39,868 All those years I wasted on Albert. 1186 01:24:39,951 --> 01:24:44,289 Rosie, the dependable one. Rosie, the patient one. Rosie, the good girl. 1187 01:24:44,372 --> 01:24:48,460 I know it sounds old-fashioned, but... I'm not ashamed to admit it. 1188 01:24:48,543 --> 01:24:50,754 I'm still a good girl. Rose? 1189 01:24:50,837 --> 01:24:53,339 Hmm? So am I. 1190 01:24:55,258 --> 01:24:58,511 No kidding? 1191 01:24:58,595 --> 01:25:01,097 Well, you won't be sorry. 1192 01:25:05,351 --> 01:25:07,771 Are you going out so late? Mm-hmm. 1193 01:25:07,854 --> 01:25:13,234 My farewell to Sweet Apple. A night to remember. I'm going to Maude's Café. 1194 01:25:13,318 --> 01:25:16,696 Maude's! That's a wild place. 1195 01:25:16,780 --> 01:25:19,115 You're not gonna do anything rash? 1196 01:25:19,199 --> 01:25:21,576 Whatever you hear about me, Kim, just tell them... 1197 01:25:21,659 --> 01:25:24,037 that she loved not wisely, but too well. 1198 01:25:24,120 --> 01:25:26,039 Ole! 1199 01:25:37,592 --> 01:25:40,178 This is the place, Albert. Hottest spot in the county. 1200 01:25:40,303 --> 01:25:43,640 How do you know? Oh, I heard, only heard. 1201 01:25:43,765 --> 01:25:47,685 Albert, don't go in that place. I must. It's the only way. 1202 01:25:47,811 --> 01:25:52,148 But drinking won't solve anything. He's frustrated. 1203 01:25:52,232 --> 01:25:54,150 Good-bye. 1204 01:25:56,694 --> 01:25:59,697 Thanks. I'd go in there with you if I weren't a happy family man... 1205 01:25:59,781 --> 01:26:01,866 and not allowed to enjoy myself. 1206 01:26:01,950 --> 01:26:04,160 Oh, please, mister. I just‒ 1207 01:26:04,285 --> 01:26:07,497 I'm telling you for the last time! All I want is a drink. 1208 01:26:07,580 --> 01:26:09,999 No drinks! Now get lost! 1209 01:26:10,083 --> 01:26:13,294 Well, just a pint of bourbon? Gin? Scotch? 1210 01:26:13,419 --> 01:26:16,339 No! Well, how 'bout a malted with a little vodka? 1211 01:26:16,422 --> 01:26:18,883 Come back when you're 21. 1212 01:26:18,967 --> 01:26:23,471 Oh, well, well, I'm way over 21. I only look young from too much drinking. 1213 01:26:29,936 --> 01:26:34,357 Oh, look at me. Look at this shell of a human being. The monster you've created. 1214 01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:38,862 Oh, I'm sorry about‒ Hugo, don't worry, you'll get Kim back. 1215 01:26:38,945 --> 01:26:42,740 No, thanks. The bloom is off the rose. 1216 01:26:42,824 --> 01:26:46,619 Rose. Little Rose. 1217 01:26:46,703 --> 01:26:50,039 A precious flower that I trampled on. 1218 01:27:05,555 --> 01:27:07,265 There we go. 1219 01:27:07,348 --> 01:27:10,852 A toast. To Mae, she's okay. 1220 01:27:10,935 --> 01:27:12,979 I'm a songwriter too, huh? 1221 01:27:13,062 --> 01:27:16,691 Would you call the McAfee house again and see my Al‒ Sonny! 1222 01:27:16,774 --> 01:27:19,068 Mama, what are you doing in a place like this? 1223 01:27:19,152 --> 01:27:22,030 I'm playing canasta. I got lonesome. Did you cut the Russians? 1224 01:27:22,155 --> 01:27:24,532 Why are you consorting with that strange man? Glad to meet you. 1225 01:27:24,616 --> 01:27:29,120 Looks ain't everything. Besides, Mr. Maude is 100% gentleman, and a widower. 1226 01:27:29,203 --> 01:27:30,914 Three times. Sit down, Albert. 1227 01:27:30,997 --> 01:27:34,500 Any son of Mae Peterson is a friend of mine. Come, come. 1228 01:27:34,584 --> 01:27:37,503 Mama, get your things. We're taking the bus to New York tonight. 1229 01:27:37,629 --> 01:27:41,758 Your song? It's all off? It's dead, Mama, like I am. 1230 01:27:41,841 --> 01:27:45,094 - You ain't goin', Mae. - You unhand her. Come on, Mama. 1231 01:27:45,178 --> 01:27:48,097 Okay, buster, set 'em up. Double scotch and gin on the side. 1232 01:27:48,181 --> 01:27:51,643 And, uh... a bourbon chaser. Make that a triple chaser. 1233 01:27:51,726 --> 01:27:54,604 And bring on the dancing boys! 1234 01:27:54,687 --> 01:27:57,857 Well, come on, make with the drinks, Meyer. We gotta put out this fire. 1235 01:27:59,067 --> 01:28:03,112 Uh‒ ♪ Everything is Rosie Cha-cha-cha ♪ 1236 01:28:03,237 --> 01:28:05,615 ♪ 'Cause my name is Rosie ♪ Ah, the poor thing. 1237 01:28:05,740 --> 01:28:07,909 ♪ Si, si, si ♪♪ She can't get over me. 1238 01:28:08,034 --> 01:28:11,162 She's singing the song I wrote for her. You wrote her a song? 1239 01:28:11,245 --> 01:28:14,707 Only eight bars, Mama. Somehow, I never could finish it. 1240 01:28:14,791 --> 01:28:17,961 Hey, what's with the red caps? You got a train inside? 1241 01:28:23,007 --> 01:28:24,926 Eeew! 1242 01:28:25,051 --> 01:28:29,389 Hey, where ya goin'? I'm gonna go and see what the boys in the backroom'll have. 1243 01:28:29,472 --> 01:28:31,599 Albert! Where are you going? 1244 01:28:31,683 --> 01:28:36,187 To save her from herself. To save her for me. She might get in trouble. 1245 01:28:36,270 --> 01:28:38,982 Report on the charity bazaar which we ran... 1246 01:28:39,065 --> 01:28:42,568 for the benefit of the old folks' home; to wit, net cash receipts: 1247 01:28:42,652 --> 01:28:46,656 $840.06. 1248 01:28:46,739 --> 01:28:50,493 - Rosie! - Valuable goods contributed: two milk cows, live; 1249 01:28:50,576 --> 01:28:52,412 Rosie! 1250 01:28:52,495 --> 01:28:54,247 80 lugs of fresh fruit; 1251 01:28:54,330 --> 01:28:57,542 45young kumquat trees; 1252 01:28:57,625 --> 01:28:59,711 one ton of fertilizer‒ 1253 01:28:59,794 --> 01:29:01,921 Yoo-hoo! 1254 01:29:03,965 --> 01:29:05,925 Whoo-hoo? 1255 01:29:13,808 --> 01:29:18,855 And now, before the recording secretary reads the minutes from last week's meeting, 1256 01:29:18,938 --> 01:29:21,816 I wish to bring up a subject that I know is on... 1257 01:29:21,899 --> 01:29:26,446 everybody's mind... tonight. 1258 01:29:26,529 --> 01:29:28,614 Whoo-ooo. 1259 01:30:29,383 --> 01:30:31,761 As I was saying, gentlemen‒ 1260 01:30:54,367 --> 01:30:56,536 Whoo-hoo! 1261 01:31:02,208 --> 01:31:04,127 Yeah! 1262 01:31:07,171 --> 01:31:09,674 Hey! Whoo-whoo-whoo! 1263 01:31:32,905 --> 01:31:35,533 Whoo-hoo! 1264 01:31:35,616 --> 01:31:37,243 Yeah! 1265 01:31:38,411 --> 01:31:40,329 Whoo-yeah. 1266 01:31:40,413 --> 01:31:42,331 Ah. 1267 01:31:43,291 --> 01:31:45,209 Hey! Hey! 1268 01:31:49,714 --> 01:31:51,924 No. 1269 01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:11,527 - Oh. Oh! Oh! - Hey! 1270 01:32:11,652 --> 01:32:13,529 Hey! 1271 01:32:13,654 --> 01:32:15,573 Hey! 1272 01:32:15,656 --> 01:32:17,575 Hey! 1273 01:32:17,658 --> 01:32:20,995 Hey! Hey! 1274 01:32:21,120 --> 01:32:22,997 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 1275 01:32:23,080 --> 01:32:27,460 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 1276 01:32:32,882 --> 01:32:34,800 No! No, listen, fellas. Stop! 1277 01:32:34,884 --> 01:32:37,428 Haah! 1278 01:32:40,306 --> 01:32:42,308 Rosie! 1279 01:32:47,146 --> 01:32:49,482 Albert! 1280 01:32:52,235 --> 01:32:54,570 Whoa-oh! 1281 01:32:54,654 --> 01:32:58,241 Whoa-oh! 1282 01:32:58,324 --> 01:33:00,243 Whoo-oo. 1283 01:33:00,326 --> 01:33:04,413 Albert! Whoa! Ole! 1284 01:33:30,356 --> 01:33:32,275 Rosie? 1285 01:33:34,443 --> 01:33:36,362 Rosie, baby? 1286 01:33:42,827 --> 01:33:44,787 Good morning, darling. 1287 01:33:44,870 --> 01:33:47,581 It's way past noon. Sleep okay, honey? 1288 01:33:47,665 --> 01:33:50,668 Mm-hmm. I tried not to. 1289 01:33:50,751 --> 01:33:54,046 I wanted to keep reliving that wonderful moment... 1290 01:33:55,631 --> 01:33:57,883 when my shining knight... 1291 01:33:57,967 --> 01:34:00,761 rushed into the sultan's cave... 1292 01:34:00,845 --> 01:34:03,097 and carried me off. 1293 01:34:04,557 --> 01:34:06,809 Well, that's just the beginning. 1294 01:34:06,892 --> 01:34:10,438 Pack. We're taking the bus to Niagara Falls. 1295 01:34:10,521 --> 01:34:12,440 Oh, yes, dear. 1296 01:34:17,486 --> 01:34:19,572 Rosie? Hmm? 1297 01:34:19,655 --> 01:34:23,326 You‒ You never saw me in pajamas before. 1298 01:34:23,409 --> 01:34:25,411 Are you disappointed? 1299 01:34:26,662 --> 01:34:28,622 Mm-mm. 1300 01:34:30,916 --> 01:34:32,877 Are you? 1301 01:34:39,842 --> 01:34:41,719 Uh‒ 1302 01:34:43,095 --> 01:34:47,016 Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls. A jet! 1303 01:34:50,144 --> 01:34:52,396 Oh, Albert, 1304 01:34:52,480 --> 01:34:55,649 we came here to get your mother set financially. 1305 01:34:55,733 --> 01:35:00,529 Our marriage wouldn't have a chance if we started off feeling guilty about deserting her. 1306 01:35:00,613 --> 01:35:04,325 That's right. It may be a long time before I make any money. 1307 01:35:04,408 --> 01:35:06,660 Not if Birdie sang your song tonight. 1308 01:35:06,744 --> 01:35:11,874 No chance. I pleaded. They won't shorten the ballet, not even ten seconds. 1309 01:35:11,957 --> 01:35:15,961 It's the slowest dance I ever saw. They move like turtles. 1310 01:35:17,296 --> 01:35:19,590 Albert. Albert! 1311 01:35:19,673 --> 01:35:22,009 What? Randolph! Randolph! 1312 01:35:27,890 --> 01:35:32,103 Boys, those are really showstoppers! Frank, Dean and Sammy. 1313 01:35:32,186 --> 01:35:34,313 Come out here and take a bow. 1314 01:35:36,023 --> 01:35:40,403 Frank, Dean and Sammy McWilliams. Thank you, boys. 1315 01:35:40,486 --> 01:35:44,323 Right now, here on our stage, the magnificent orchestra... 1316 01:35:44,407 --> 01:35:47,660 of American composer-conductor, Ray Block. 1317 01:35:47,743 --> 01:35:49,662 Now really, let's hear it. 1318 01:35:49,787 --> 01:35:52,706 Well, that oughta do it. Any questions? Not at all. 1319 01:35:52,790 --> 01:35:55,376 Okay, I'm going backstage. Right. 1320 01:35:59,338 --> 01:36:01,966 Don't know why I let that Albert drag us here. 1321 01:36:02,049 --> 01:36:04,593 Rosie said she might have a big surprise for us. 1322 01:36:04,677 --> 01:36:07,888 Maybe they'll show us sitting here on TV. I bet that's it. 1323 01:36:08,013 --> 01:36:12,351 Where did you get that money? I sold Mr. Peterson my chemical set. 1324 01:36:14,895 --> 01:36:18,983 - Two minutes, Maestro. - Borov will be there. 1325 01:36:19,066 --> 01:36:22,653 I've never been late for performance in whole career. 1326 01:36:24,238 --> 01:36:27,658 You say you from magazine? Uh, yes, American Ballet Magazine. 1327 01:36:27,741 --> 01:36:31,787 And we want a picture of the world's greatest conductor, Maestro Borov. 1328 01:36:31,871 --> 01:36:36,125 You flatter me. So, shoot me quick. 1329 01:36:36,208 --> 01:36:38,961 Oh, drinking this milk. 1330 01:36:39,044 --> 01:36:40,963 Milk? Yes. 1331 01:36:41,046 --> 01:36:44,091 We drink vodka, little flower. 1332 01:36:44,175 --> 01:36:47,928 Oh, no, well, no. No, thank you. Uh, please, Maestro, this milk. 1333 01:36:48,012 --> 01:36:53,058 You see, our President has asked us to drink more milk and it would be a goodwill gesture. 1334 01:36:53,142 --> 01:36:55,394 President? Yes! 1335 01:36:55,478 --> 01:37:00,232 Uh, won't you please, Maestro, to improve our relations? 1336 01:37:00,316 --> 01:37:02,902 You're pretty enough to be un-American. 1337 01:37:02,985 --> 01:37:05,404 Ahh. Ha-ha! 1338 01:37:05,488 --> 01:37:08,699 All right, here we go. Drink up. That's it. 1339 01:37:08,824 --> 01:37:14,038 Now, keep drinking until I frame you‒ frame you perfectly. 1340 01:37:14,121 --> 01:37:16,499 All right, once more. Bottoms up. That's it. 1341 01:37:21,420 --> 01:37:23,672 Very good. 1342 01:37:23,756 --> 01:37:27,009 Ah, you got it! Uh, I mean, gotcha. 1343 01:37:29,637 --> 01:37:31,514 See you after, could be? 1344 01:37:31,639 --> 01:37:35,351 Oh, I'll catch up with you. And for you, I do not go too fast. 1345 01:37:35,434 --> 01:37:37,811 We shall see. 1346 01:37:37,937 --> 01:37:39,897 Good-bye. 1347 01:37:40,022 --> 01:37:42,816 Thank you. 1348 01:37:52,618 --> 01:37:54,578 Mission accomplished. 1349 01:37:54,662 --> 01:37:56,580 He drank it? Yeah. 1350 01:37:56,664 --> 01:38:00,000 My formula works on chickens and Randolph's turtle, but I don't know about humans. 1351 01:38:00,084 --> 01:38:05,130 If it doesn't, we're no worse off; but if it does, this'll be the shortest ballet in history. 1352 01:38:05,214 --> 01:38:09,718 Now, ready, America and Canada, because here we go out to Columbus, Ohio, 1353 01:38:09,802 --> 01:38:15,057 where the Moscow Ballet dances the "Rose Adagio" from Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty, 1354 01:38:15,140 --> 01:38:17,851 conducted by Maestro Borzoi Borov. 1355 01:38:17,935 --> 01:38:21,230 Take it away, CBS, Columbus, Ohio. 1356 01:38:21,313 --> 01:38:23,357 We're on. Up on one. 1357 01:38:30,906 --> 01:38:33,409 Lights. 1358 01:39:38,474 --> 01:39:43,395 - Camera two, can you move to your right a couple of feet? 1359 01:40:14,259 --> 01:40:16,387 Magnificent! 1360 01:40:38,575 --> 01:40:41,704 It's not gonna work. 1361 01:41:25,330 --> 01:41:28,083 Well, this is crazy. That's not the way it was rehearsed. 1362 01:41:28,167 --> 01:41:32,504 What is it? What's the matter? 1363 01:41:35,257 --> 01:41:37,843 What happened? 1364 01:41:50,355 --> 01:41:53,442 Borov! Borov! 1365 01:42:04,369 --> 01:42:07,956 - Hello. - Ed Sullivan. 1366 01:42:29,978 --> 01:42:33,857 Bob! Bob! We'll have to kill some time. Put the Birdie song back in. 1367 01:42:33,941 --> 01:42:38,487 Got ya, Ed. Take over. Be prepared for the Birdie spot. 1368 01:42:45,452 --> 01:42:48,705 Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in. Find Conrad. Rosie, get Kim. 1369 01:42:48,831 --> 01:42:52,501 Right. Put the Birdie spot on stage. And let's go, go, go! 1370 01:43:02,761 --> 01:43:06,056 McAfee, hurry up. Come on. Let's go. The song is back in. 1371 01:43:06,139 --> 01:43:08,559 What? Come on! Let's go! 1372 01:43:32,457 --> 01:43:34,710 Are you crazy, Borov? 1373 01:43:51,643 --> 01:43:54,354 Aye, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! 1374 01:43:59,985 --> 01:44:03,238 I've never seen such speed in dancers. Thank you, Moscow Ballet... 1375 01:44:03,322 --> 01:44:05,574 for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque. 1376 01:44:05,657 --> 01:44:10,078 And now, another great treat: Conrad Birdie. Yee-hoo! 1377 01:44:32,684 --> 01:44:35,854 What‒ 1378 01:44:38,690 --> 01:44:42,945 On behalf of all the members of the Sweet Apple chapter... 1379 01:44:43,070 --> 01:44:46,365 of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club, 1380 01:44:50,744 --> 01:44:54,122 we wish to express to you our great pride... 1381 01:44:54,206 --> 01:44:56,291 in your brave deed. Hiya, Ed. 1382 01:44:56,375 --> 01:44:59,544 Oh, no. 1383 01:45:01,254 --> 01:45:04,216 Oh, hi. How are ya? 1384 01:45:10,180 --> 01:45:14,643 I wish to convey our deep pride in your brave deed, namely‒ 1385 01:45:14,726 --> 01:45:19,147 As a citizen, I'm proud to have Conrad defend my... family... 1386 01:45:19,231 --> 01:45:21,566 and the McAfee Fertilizer Company. 1387 01:45:23,068 --> 01:45:25,153 Conrad, sing. 1388 01:45:26,405 --> 01:45:29,449 ♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪ 1389 01:45:29,574 --> 01:45:32,244 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1390 01:45:32,327 --> 01:45:36,832 ♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this ♪ 1391 01:45:36,915 --> 01:45:40,836 ♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪ 1392 01:45:40,919 --> 01:45:43,714 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1393 01:45:43,797 --> 01:45:46,341 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 1394 01:45:46,425 --> 01:45:50,178 ♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪ 1395 01:45:50,262 --> 01:45:54,683 ♪ It really is sublime Ah, honey, so sublime ♪ 1396 01:45:54,766 --> 01:45:59,521 ♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪ 1397 01:45:59,604 --> 01:46:01,440 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1398 01:46:01,523 --> 01:46:03,900 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 1399 01:46:05,986 --> 01:46:09,031 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-by♪ 1400 01:46:09,114 --> 01:46:12,826 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss♪ 1401 01:46:13,910 --> 01:46:17,873 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-by♪ 1402 01:46:17,956 --> 01:46:20,042 ♪ Give me one las‒♪♪ 1403 01:46:29,051 --> 01:46:32,220 Yoo-hoo! Albert! 1404 01:46:32,304 --> 01:46:34,306 Albert! 1405 01:46:34,389 --> 01:46:38,810 Albert, I saw it all on TV. "One Last Kiss" was a disaster. 1406 01:46:38,894 --> 01:46:41,521 Who wants to buy a record of a guy with a glass jaw? 1407 01:46:41,646 --> 01:46:44,775 Now, will you take Mama's advice and get out of show business? I am! 1408 01:46:44,858 --> 01:46:48,236 My song may be dead, but my chemical formula works on people. 1409 01:46:48,320 --> 01:46:50,572 Shh. The Russians may have this place bugged. 1410 01:46:50,655 --> 01:46:54,826 It was Albert's formula that made the orchestra leader go that fast. 1411 01:46:54,910 --> 01:46:59,539 My genius! Oh! You gotta work on my cleaning woman. She gets a dollar an hour. 1412 01:46:59,664 --> 01:47:02,084 Yeah. Mama‒ 1413 01:47:04,044 --> 01:47:07,297 Mama, Rosie and I are going to Niagara Falls. 1414 01:47:09,007 --> 01:47:11,802 Well... 1415 01:47:12,886 --> 01:47:15,472 it's about time. 1416 01:47:19,226 --> 01:47:22,604 Oh, Mae, you have to come with us! 1417 01:47:22,687 --> 01:47:25,941 No. I'm one mother who doesn't mix in. Maude! 1418 01:47:26,024 --> 01:47:28,443 Don't fall in the pit, Maude. 1419 01:47:29,528 --> 01:47:31,279 Albert. Yes? 1420 01:47:31,363 --> 01:47:33,657 I would like to do things proper, 1421 01:47:33,740 --> 01:47:36,535 so I would like the honor of becoming your stepfather. 1422 01:47:38,036 --> 01:47:40,914 Is it all right, Albert? 1423 01:47:40,997 --> 01:47:43,250 Mama, with my blessing! 1424 01:47:43,375 --> 01:47:46,503 Oh, I'm so glad, because we just got married. Yes. 1425 01:47:47,879 --> 01:47:51,299 - What a surprise. - Oh, how exciting. 1426 01:47:51,383 --> 01:47:54,302 Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, congratulations. 1427 01:47:54,427 --> 01:47:58,140 Thank you very much. Let's go, Maudie. We're leaving for Akron. 1428 01:47:58,223 --> 01:48:01,518 Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants me to throw out the first beer can. 1429 01:48:01,601 --> 01:48:03,687 Yeah, good-bye, son. 1430 01:48:03,812 --> 01:48:06,690 Niagara Falls is wet, so take your rubbers! Bye! 1431 01:48:06,773 --> 01:48:09,818 Yes, Mrs. Maude. How about that Maude and Mrs. Peterson? 1432 01:48:09,901 --> 01:48:11,987 - Oh, ready here, Albert. - Be right with you. 1433 01:48:12,070 --> 01:48:16,324 No hurry, partner. I promise you one thing, snookums. 1434 01:48:16,408 --> 01:48:19,077 No matter how many millions I make selling Speed-Up, 1435 01:48:19,161 --> 01:48:21,997 I'll still be the same humble, lovable guy. 1436 01:48:22,080 --> 01:48:26,668 And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em. 1437 01:48:29,254 --> 01:48:32,757 ♪ Everything is Rosie ♪ 1438 01:48:32,883 --> 01:48:37,179 ♪ Since I found my Rosie ♪ Same old words. 1439 01:48:37,262 --> 01:48:41,016 ♪ With a girl like Rosie ♪ 1440 01:48:41,099 --> 01:48:43,185 ♪ How could I be blue ♪ 1441 01:48:43,268 --> 01:48:45,187 Same eight bars. Now what? 1442 01:48:45,270 --> 01:48:48,899 ♪ Hand in hand we'll mosey ♪ 1443 01:48:48,982 --> 01:48:51,193 ♪ Me and little Rosie ♪ 1444 01:48:52,777 --> 01:48:55,071 ♪ We will be so cozy ♪ 1445 01:48:55,155 --> 01:48:58,366 ♪ By a fire built for two ♪ 1446 01:48:58,450 --> 01:49:00,702 Oh, Albert, you're too much. 1447 01:49:00,785 --> 01:49:04,664 ♪ Oh, I once heard a poem that goes ♪ 1448 01:49:04,748 --> 01:49:08,376 ♪ "A rose is a rose is a rose" ♪ 1449 01:49:08,460 --> 01:49:12,380 ♪ But I don't agree Take it from me ♪ 1450 01:49:12,464 --> 01:49:15,926 ♪ There's one Rose sweeter than any that grows ♪ 1451 01:49:16,009 --> 01:49:18,136 ♪ And that's my Rosie ♪ 1452 01:49:19,262 --> 01:49:22,891 ♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪ 1453 01:49:22,974 --> 01:49:25,644 ♪ Life is one sweet♪ 1454 01:49:25,727 --> 01:49:28,730 ♪ Beautiful song to me ♪ 1455 01:49:28,813 --> 01:49:32,567 ♪ Everything is Hugo ♪ 1456 01:49:32,651 --> 01:49:36,404 ♪ I will go where you go ♪ 1457 01:49:36,488 --> 01:49:40,533 ♪ With a boy like Hugo ♪ 1458 01:49:40,617 --> 01:49:43,703 ♪ How could I be blue ♪ 1459 01:49:44,788 --> 01:49:48,458 ♪ We will be so cozy ♪ 1460 01:49:48,541 --> 01:49:52,420 ♪ Just like Al and Rosie ♪ 1461 01:49:52,504 --> 01:49:55,257 ♪ But we're gonna mosey ♪ 1462 01:49:55,340 --> 01:49:58,426 ♪ In a hot rod built for two ♪ 1463 01:50:00,512 --> 01:50:04,391 - ♪ And that's my Rosie ♪ - ♪ Gee, how delighted we'll be ♪ 1464 01:50:04,516 --> 01:50:08,561 ♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪ ♪ When you are cozy with me ♪ 1465 01:50:08,645 --> 01:50:12,816 ♪ Life is one sweet beautiful song ♪ 1466 01:50:12,899 --> 01:50:17,112 ♪ When love is right then what could be wrong ♪ 1467 01:50:17,195 --> 01:50:19,322 ♪ Life is one sweet ♪ 1468 01:50:19,406 --> 01:50:23,743 ♪ Beautiful song to me ♪♪ 1469 01:50:27,998 --> 01:50:32,335 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1470 01:50:32,419 --> 01:50:36,214 ♪ The army's got you now ♪ 1471 01:50:36,298 --> 01:50:40,635 ♪ I'll try, Birdie ♪ 1472 01:50:40,719 --> 01:50:45,890 ♪ To forget somehow ♪ 1473 01:50:45,974 --> 01:50:51,021 ♪ No more sighing ♪ 1474 01:50:51,104 --> 01:50:54,774 ♪ Each time you move those lips ♪ 1475 01:50:54,858 --> 01:50:59,237 ♪ No more dying ♪ 1476 01:50:59,321 --> 01:51:02,824 ♪ When you twitch those hips ♪ 1477 01:51:02,907 --> 01:51:06,995 ♪ Your swivel and your sway Your super-duper class ♪ 1478 01:51:07,078 --> 01:51:12,167 ♪ There's nothing left to say but, Conrad, you're a gas ♪ 1479 01:51:13,835 --> 01:51:18,340 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1480 01:51:18,423 --> 01:51:22,010 ♪ Ta-ta, ol' sweetie pie ♪ 1481 01:51:22,093 --> 01:51:26,473 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1482 01:51:26,556 --> 01:51:30,518 ♪ Time for me to fly ♪ 1483 01:51:30,602 --> 01:51:34,981 ♪ Time for me to fly ♪ 1484 01:51:35,065 --> 01:51:40,195 ♪ Time to say good-bye ♪♪ 1485 01:51:40,278 --> 01:51:42,197 Bye now. 115206