All language subtitles for All.Of.Me.1984.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[All of me]

* you took the part

* that once was my heart

* so why not

* take all of me?

(Man)
One, two, three, four...

[Upbeat tempo now]

*

[dialogue inaudible]

Take it, Roger.

[Guitar solo]

*

[applause]

[Saxophone solo]

*

[groans]

[Playing mellow jazz]

*

[alarm ringing]

I'm getting too old
for this.

[Ringing stops]

[Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell ringing
again and again]

Oh, god...

Happy birthday,
my darling!

So, how does it feel
to be 38?

Oh, great.

Just think, in two years
I'll be 40.

In 12 years
I'll be 50.

I-I'm really excited
about this.

It's... it's fun!

Oh, sweetie!

Hey, what am I doing
with my life?

What am I doing
with my career?

What am I doing
with us?

You're boring us.
Yeah.

Do you love it?

It's an African
grave post.

Is that gorgeous?!

You bought me a grave post
for my 38th birthday?

Look, I'm sorry, I like it.
I really do.

It's really nice.

Look, um,
I've been thinking.

Remember... remember that thing
you used to want to talk about,

and I never did?

You know, uh,
the "m" word?

Well, I think maybe it's time
that we did the "m" word.

Roger, I don't think
you're ready

to do the "m" word.

Yeah, I am.
Honest.

Peggy,
i wanna get... "M" ed.

Roger... if you can't say
the "m" word,

then you're not ready
to do the "m" word.

Of course I can say
the "m" word, jeez.

[Strangled strains]

Marriage. Marriage.
Of course I can say it.

What do you think?

I think we shouldn't
get into this right now.

You're gonna be late
for work,

and you know
how daddy hates that.

I just came by to wish you
a happy, happy 38th.

Mwah!

"Happy 38th."

That's a contradiction
in terms, you know.

*

that was very bodacious.

Hey, Roger dodger.
What it is!

Hey, bix!

[Barking]

Making any money today?

Almost as much
as I made last night.

That bad, huh?
Yeah.

Look, Roger,
i been thinking

of joining Jimmy barr's
big band.

I want you to come
and go with me.

Uh, I appreciate it, Ty,
but, uh...

No, no, don't give me
that "but, but..." Jive.

Hey, look at this face.

I'm quitting the group, Ty.

You're doin' what?

I gotta give up something.

I figure I still have time

to make something of myself
as a lawyer.

And I'm not going any further
as a musician.

Oh, this is
an unhappy face!

It's not that unhappy.

Hey, this is the face
of a man

who is giving up
the wrong thing.

Don't pick my nose,
okay?

[Barks]
If you do not correct
your thinkin'

in this matter,

I shall be forced
to tell the world

that you are a honky mook!

Tyrone, you really should not
call another person

a honky mook.

And why not?

Well, for one reason,
you're white.

I am?

Yeah.

[Playing auld lang syne]

*

oh, my god, I am.

I'm late, Ty.
I gotta go.

I'm doing the right thing.
Really.

You be cool, fool.

Good jammin'
with you, bix!
[Barks]

[Sighs]

Well?

Well, you're dying,
all right.

Ever since I was a child,

doctors have been
telling me I'm dying.

Yeah, well, I guess
you've had enough practice

because you're really
doing it now.

How much time?

A week. A day.

A month?
Mm-mm.

Good.

The phone.

Got a cigarette?

You don't smoke.

Can't hurt now.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Uhh..

After 32 years
of marriage,

you're still a naughty
little devil, aren't you?

[Phone buzzes]

Shouldn't you answer that?
Maybe it's your wife.

Eh, ever since
she filed for divorce,

she hardly ever calls anymore.
[Knock on door]

Oh...

I'm sorry, Mr. schuyler,

but edwina cutwater
is on one.

Oh, god.
All right.

It's okay.

I just wanted
to tell you...

Your wife subpoenaed me.

Oh, gretch, I am
so sorry about that.

I do have to take
this call.

Ooh...

[Telephone ringing]

Morning, margo.

Ah, good morning, Roger.

Good morning, bix.

Any good ones
for me today?

Any unfairly evicted
tenants?

Uh, farm workers,
Indians?

Well,
Mr. Van rensilia called.

He wants you to fire
his chauffeur.

Mr. Spencer sr.
Wants you to draw up

a pre-marital agreement
for Mr. Spencer Jr.

And finally,
Mr. Spencer Jr. called.

He wants you to tell
Mr. Spencer sr.

To mind his own
friggin' business.

May justice prevail.

Why do I do it?

I think it's called
paying dues.

I've been paying dues
for 11 years.

I should own the entire club
by now.

Right on, Roger.

(Roger)
No more.

I want worthwhile cases.

I want to defend right
against wrong!

I want a partnership.

You're telling
the wrong people, Roger.

I know, I was practicing
pretty good, huh?

I think wadding the messages
is very effective.

I'm gonna do this for schuyler
right now.

Seymour, she was
the fourth woman today

to tell me
she'd been subpoenaed.

[Knock on door]

Mr. schuyler,
i have to talk to you.

I don't want her
on the stand.

Listen, if you haven't
got the guts

to handle this
the right way,

I'm going to find someone
who does!

Unh!

Mr. schuyler...
I was just gonna call you.

Get miss cutwater's
files.

Go out to the house.

Edwina claims that
she's finally dying

and needs to get her affairs
in order.

No. Uh...

I have to discuss my future here
with you right now.

Well, Roger, we are
discussing your future.

You're going out
to edwina cutwater's house.

I want a partnership.

Listen, they day
you give up bebop

and concentrate
on the law, we'll talk.

Then start talking.

I quit the band.

As of today,
I'm dedicating myself full-time

to my legal career.

Later today,
I'm going to buy a vest.

My god... you're serious.

I am serious.

But I want to start handling
real cases, the big cases.

No more of this
trick-or-treat stuff!

Roger, you don't know
how long I have waited

to hear you say
those words.

Yeah, but going out
to edwina cutwater's house...

No, no, no.
Listen to me.

Long after edwina is gone
from this earth,

her estate is going
to generate more income

for this office

than most small countries see
in a year.

And it's gonna take a lot
of very sophisticated

legal expertise

to structure and administer
those affairs.

Now, you do this for me today...
Go out to her house...

And I'll put you in charge
of all that.

Now, if that's not
real law...

If that's not big law...

I don't know
what the hell is.

Actually, the more I think
about this thing,

the better it sounds.

Don't look at me
like that, will ya?

I'm not going in there
as a messenger boy.

I'm going in as
a highly skilled legal advisor.

This is really good.

No more being
looked down upon

by people who think
they're better than I am

because they're rich.

From now on
I'm gonna be respected

by people who think
they're better than I am

because they're rich.

Hi, Roger Cobb
from schuyler and Mifflin

to see miss cutwater.

Yes, sir.
You are expected.

I'll show him up.

Thank you.

Betty ahrens.

I'm Roger Cobb.

Try not to excite her,
okay?

Grayson?
Oh, Grayson?

Uh, yes, madam?

Don't forget to pick up
the invitations.

And make sure they're
hand-delivered

the moment I die.

The moment you die!
Yes, madam.

Ahh.

Uh, mister...

Cobb.
Cobb.

Ah, yes, you're
the tedious one.

Would you mind
accompanying me back

to my bed stand?

Now, here's the name
of my caterer.

And the evening's menu.

Make sure they include
plenty of goose pate.

Excuse me...
It's marvelous.

This is, uh,
for the funeral?

One does not have goose pate
at a funeral.

Now, Mr. fulton Norris has
a wonderful society orchestra.

I should like you
to engage him

for the entire weekend.

This is a wake, then?
Heavens no.

It's for a party.

And I want it to be
a corker.

Guess what I'm going to do.
What?

I'm going to come back
from the dead.

Oh...

And, uh...
[Clears throat]

What makes you think
you can do that?

Because I'm rich.

[Sighs]

Grayson, come in here,
please. Over.

Miss cutwater, uh,

this is not a parking ticket
we're talking about here.

This... this is the, uh...
Grim reaper.

You cannot bribe
the grim reaper.

[Chuckles]
Oh, Mr. Cobb,

I spent a lifetime shackled
by frailty and poor health.

Wheelchairs
and sick beds.

It's my heart, you see.

It means well, but it's always
been something...

[Sighs]
Of a lemon.

I've had all the money
in the world

and not one good chance
to enjoy it.

I have never been
to Europe.

I've never been anywhere,
really.

Oh, sure, I've...

I've ordered form neiman's
and Gucci's.

But I've never actually
been there.

I've never ridden
my horses.

I've never been
to the ballet.

I've never danced.

But cutwaters
aren't quitters.

So I've decided
that if my wealth cannot help me

in this life,

then, by god, it's going
to buy me another one.

Ah, Grayson.

You, uh, walkie-talkied,
madam?

Yes, please send in
Mr. prahka lasa

and what's her name,
Fred's daughter.

Miss Terry, madam.

Gas me.

Excuse me, am I just
getting you goose pate,

or do you have
any legal work for me?

Of course I do.

I need you to amend
my will.

So that what's her name,
um...

Fred's daughter will
become inheritor

for my entire estate.

[Coughing]
So we must draw up
a new codicil.

We'll need it
witnessed.

Ah, your grace.

Oh!
Oh, ya ya... oh!

It's all right, prahka.
(Prahka)
All right.

Come in.

[Speaking foreign language]
Come in, come in, come in.

Come, come.
Come, come.

Namaste.

What's going on here?

Wait.

Who's Fred's daughter?

[Prahka humming]

Hello.

Hello, I'm Terry hoskins.

Roger Cobb.

Uh, so, you're
Fred's daughter.

Mm-hmm.

(Roger)
Who the heck is Fred?

(Terry)
Daddy, come in, please.

Oh...

I'm against
the whole thing, I am.

My father is miss cutwater's
stableman.

It's unnatural.

Uh, let me get
something straight here.

You're going to will
all of your money

to the stableman's
daughter,

and he's against it.

No.

But he just said...

You see, I shall
inherit nothing.

But you just said
you wanted to make her

your sole beneficiary.

That is correct.

So you will inherit
the estate.

No, she won't.

What am I missing
here?

You see,

thanks to his holiness,
prahka lasa,

I'm going to be
transmigrated.

What?

[Clears throat]

Transmigrated means that
my soul is going

to leave my body forever

and become one
with the universe.

At which time my soul will
enter her body.

Ah, good plan.

I'm sorry,

but I don't think
it's a good plan at all.

My daughter's soul
leaving her body

and going off
to who knows where?

Fred, let's not go through
all this again, shall we?

Oh, I know I wasn't
much of a father to her

when she was growing up.

But I won't lose her
again now.

I won't!

Zip it, Fred.

Miss cutwater,
as your attorney

it is my duty
to inform you

that your will
could be contested

if you're deemed...

Not of perfectly
sound mind.

Why, you presumptuous
ambulance chaser.

Are you insinuating
that I am not

of perfectly sound mind?

No, no,
i wouldn't do that.

But I think practically
everybody

in the solar system would.

Mr. Cobb, the last thing
i need around here

is your ill-informed
negativity.

Get out.

[Coughing]

[Wheezing and coughing]

[Bell ringing]

Thanks for not
exciting her!

[Overlapping conversations]

[Prahka chanting]

There, there.

(Fred)
It's not natural.

Terry...
[Both chanting]

(Edwina)
No, prahka, not yet.

Prahka, not yet.
There, there.

(Edwina)
I'm all right.

I'm not ready.

Is everybody here bananas?

(Edwina)
Mr. Cobb...

Let me explain something
to you.

You see...

Closer, please.

[Coughs]

That's for "bananas."
Now get out!

What century is this?

Now you hurt my hand.

I'm going to tell
Mr. schuyler

that you're an insolent
little toad,

and demand that
he fire you!

Why don't you just
enter his body

and do it yourself?!

And don't you come back,

you peasant!

Look, lady,

just because my grandfather
didn't rape the environment

and exploit the workers
doesn't make me a peasant!

And it's not that he didn't
want to rape the environment

and exploit the workers.

I'm sure he did.

It's just that as a barber,

he didn't have
that much opportunity!

God!

[Sighs]

Grayson,

bring the car
and my hairdresser,

and the gold and diamond
jewelry.

Over.

I've got to hand it to you.
It's brilliant.

What is?

Your scam.

It's legal, it's logical.

I thought the bit
with the bowl

was overdoing it
a little,

but it's certainly
original.

The bowl, Mr. Cobb,
is attuned to the harmonics

of miss cutwater's
life force.

When her body dies,
it becomes the repository

of that life force.

So I hold the bowl,
and it becomes the conduit

from her body to mine.

And you really
believe that?

Yes.

Of course, uh,
if you're wrong,

you inherit
20 million bucks.

I don't want
her money.

When I was 15,

I ran away from home
thinking I could find myself

in the material world.

I found only pain.

His holiness prahka lasa
teaches that

possessions transmit pain.

I want something
far more valuable than money.

Far more elusive...

For which I'm willing
to give up my physical being

and become one
with the universe.

And, uh, don't you think
that's just a little bit...

Wacko?

Feel my heart.

You are unhappy.

You are anxious
and unfulfilled

because you are not
doing with your life

as you wish.

I am at peace.

Which one of us
is crazy?

You are.

Well, thank you.

Hi, margo.

Oh, Mr. durant called.

He needs you to set up
a Bermuda corporation

so he can write off
his honeymoon.

Also, there was a call...
Forget it.

I'm telling schuyler today
he's gotta play me or trade me.

He's in the conference room
with miss cutwater.

She's here?

Also with her doctor,

with her nurse,
Mr. Mifflin,

some English girl
with no bra,

and a hindu holding
a bedpan on a stick.

I don't think
you should go in there.

[Inhales deeply]
Mmmmm...

We just have a little more
to go over now.

Are you strong enough
to continue?

Mmmm...

What?

Oh, I'm fine.
Really.

[Coughs]

I'm fine.
Tell them.

She could drop dead
any minute.

Never mind her,

she's only trying
to make me feel good.

[Door opens]

I'm very sorry
to interrupt.

Madam, I wish to apologize
for upsetting you before.

Mr. schuyler,
if I could see you...

Mr. Cobb, please,
don't grovel.

I'm not groveling.

I'm apologizing.

If I could see you
outside...

If you're trying
to save your job,

you're too late.

What?

It's quite lost my now.

Let me tell you something.

My father worked himself
into an early grave

defending the rights
of needy people

in a rat-infested store front
over on 9th street!

When he died,

my mother took a job
as a plumber's assistant

so I could go to law school
and carry on in his name.

So now if the only job
i can get is in some

skid row legal aid office,
I'd just as soon take it

as have to kowtow
to people like her

that's enough!
For the rest of my life!

You know what you are?
You're an energy vampire!

That's enough!
You leap on my neck.

You suck all the fun
out of being a lawyer!

Now, that's enough!
[Door shuts]

I have never heard
such a moronic load

of crap in my life.

Well, I don't have
to take that.

No, now you, her.
[Chuckles]

Did you hear what she wants
to do with her soul?

Yeah.
Jesus Christ.

The woman is looney tunes.
She's nuts!

But you...

Roger, you've got guts.

I never saw you stand up
to anyone like that before.

You have a fire
burning inside you.

To defend people
who really need you.

And I never knew that
about your father.

Or your mother.

Well, I made that up.

You didn't.
Yeah.

[Chuckles]
You son of a gun.

It's pretty good, huh?

Oh...
[Chuckles]

I like a man who thinks
on his feet.

Well, thanks.

Roger, I have a case
that needs a lawyer

just like you.

You win it, and I'll
put you up for a partnership.

Wait, this is not for one of
these rich goofballs, is it?

No, no, no.

It's for a very nice man...

Who's getting divorced.

I think I'm gonna be
a partner.

Mazel tov!

Mwah!

Oh, bix, you're gonna be
a partner's best friend!

Mwah!

[Bix barks]

Oh...

Call the fulton Norris
orchestra.

Tell them that
miss cutwater

has requested her favorite
saxophone player,

Tyrone wattell,
for her party.

And she'd like him to receive
$1,000 for the night.

We go inform Mr. wattell.

Come on, bix.
[Bix barks]

What a guy.

Now, then...

Ahh.

Mr. Mifflin can witness
the codicil.

I will sign as executor
of the estate,

and we will be all signed,
sealed, and...

Oh...

A tunnel...
Hmm?

Hey, winna.

With a very bright light.

I was afraid of this.

What the hell's
she talking about?

Terry, oh...
Prahka.

[Intoning]

(Schuyler)
What the hell is
going on?

Mrs. cutwater?
Wait a minute.

[All talking excitedly at once]

[Chanting in foreign language]

Did she sign everything?

(dr. ahrens)
Ms ten I.V.
Hurry!

(Schuyler)
Kim!

Call the insurance
company.

[Chanting and intoning]

[Chanting and intoning]

How is she?

Will she be all right?

Doctor?

(dr. ahrens)
I'm losing her.

I'm losing her.

[Intoning]

Get out of my way,
you fool!

[Exclaiming in foreign language]

(dr. ahrens)
I lost her.

[Clang]
(Roger)
Uhh!

[Bowl clanking on pavement]

(Edwina)
Where am I?

What?

[Edwina gasps]
I'm breathing.

I must be alive.

Who said that?

(Edwina)
No, it can't be.
I just died.

I'm picking up
general hospital

in my fillings.

(Edwina)
Then it worked.

Oh, my lord!

(Roger)
Aah! Aah!

[Grumbling]

What the hell is happening
to me?

[Roger as edwina]
I feel like
the healthiest woman alive.

Oh...

(Roger)
Who said that?

I did.
I'm going crazy.

(Edwina)
Uh-oh.

That does not sound
like Fred's daughter.

No, I'm not going crazy.

Something hit me on the head.
Ah! Oh...

I'm just hallucinating.

That's all. Oh...

Aah!

Oh, shit.

What the hell are you doing
in there?!

I can't believe this.

I can't even die right.

Why are you doing this
to me?

Dear god.

Don't you get
enough laughs up there?!

What did I ever do
to you?

Somebody please tell me
this is not happening.

(Edwina)
I'm afraid it is.

So let's just go inside

and have prahka lasa
straighten out this mess.

(Roger)
Oh, jeez.
I can't move my right leg.

I'm paralyzed.

(Edwina)
Here, let me try.

Aaaaah... ow!

[Grumbling]

(Edwina)
We... we... we obviously have
mutual control

over our body.

(Roger)
Our body?!
It's my body!

I'm not sharing my body
with anyone!

Everybody's gonna be
real disappointed.

[Shudders]

Wha...
Where are we going?

[Roger, as edwina]
We've got to find
prahka lasa.

(Roger)
I can't go in there.
Schuyler will think...

Excuse me, this is
a private conversation.

Do you mind?
AAA... no!

(Edwina)
Please just do as I say.

Noooo...

[Roger and edwina grunting]

(Roger)
Aaaaaa...

(Edwina)
Ah, you seem to have control
over the left side of your body,

while feel dominant
on the right.

Oh, let go of that.

Uhh... AAA...

[Knuckles cracking]
Unh!

(Roger)
Oh, you bitch!

[Roger, as edwina]
How about a little respect
for the deceased.

AAA... AAA... uhh.

(Edwina)
Let go of my hand,
you brute.

(Roger)
I will not.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

[Knuckles crack]
Ow!

(Edwina)
Just stop it!

If you want me out of you,

then you must stop
this ridiculous behavior.

[Barking]

(Roger)
Lady, I don't know
how you got in there,

but I'm gonna get you out
of me right now.

Let's go.

Unh.
[Barking]

(Edwina)
Just wait.
I'll go first.

Calm down and try
to concentrate.

I'm the right side...

And you're the left.

First me, then you.

Me, you.

See?

If we just cooperate.

Now all we have to do
is find prahka lasa.

(Roger)
Actually, there's something
we have to do first.

(Edwina)
What?

(Roger)
I really have to take
a leak.

[Roger, as edwina]
Oh.

(Roger)
Bix, go see margo.

(Edwina)
Your foot, my foot,
your foot, my foot.

Very good.

Your foot, my foot,
your foot, my foot.

We're doing wonderfully well.

Isn't it awful?

(Roger)
You have no idea.

[Roger, as edwina, gasps]
I can't go in there.

That's the men's room.

(Roger)
Just shut up
and do as I say!

[Whistling]

[Grunting]

Don't you ever, ever
yell at me again.

I'm sorry, but this is not
my idea of a good time.

Well, I am not exactly having
one of my best days either.

I died five minutes ago.

Uhh... oh.

Uhh! God!

You'll have to do it.

I'll have to do what?

You know, take it out.

Take what out?

The little fireman.

The little fireman?

You know, my penis!

How dare you say "penis"
to a dead person.

Listen, lady, if you don't
give big ed some air,

he's gonna piss all over
your half of my body!

Mr. Cobb, if you are trying
to scare me,

it won't work.

[Both clear throats]

[Zipper unzips]

(Roger)
Unh! Ha-AAA-AAA!

Oh, jeez!

Aah!

Damn it, stop it!

All right, first,
let go of your grip.

Ahh.

Now slowly take your hand off.

Slowly!

All right, now,
we're going to try it again.

Carefully.

Very carefully.

[Both clear throats]

(Roger)
What the hell are you
doing in there?!

I am trying to release
your Mr. ed.

Well, stop playing
with it already

and take it out!
Oof...

You don't have
to talk out loud.

I can hear your thoughts.

(Edwina)
Mmm.

[Roger, thinking]
Oh, great.

Just what I always wanted.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

Mm.

[Exhales]

Shall I tap?

Yes.

Tap, tap.

Thank you.

Mm.

I meant what I said
about yelling.

I was, uh, just
talking to myself in there.

[Telephone ringing]

It wasn't anything, really.

[Edwina gasps]
There's Fred's daughter!

[Roger, as edwina]
Yoo-hoo, Terry!

(Roger)
Stop it!

From now on,
don't use my mouth.

And try to walk
more like a man!

All right.

Mr. Cobb,
i feel so terrible.

I know. It's not your fault
it didn't work.

How do you know
it didn't work?

You're not gonna
believe this.

Hey, where's the swami?

Oh, he left when
all those people came in.

He's very shy,
you know.

Left? Well,
where did he go?

[Roger, as edwina]
Oh, stop worrying.
I know where to find him.

(Roger)
You better had.

Mr. Cobb?

You still want to go through

with this transmigration
thing, right?

Well, yes, but she...
Fine, look.

Go get gunga din...
Mr. Cobb?
Excuse me.

Mr. schuyler needs
to see you right away.

Fine. Thanks.

Where can we reach you?

I'm staying
at miss cutwater's.

Who's "we"?
Roger?

He said now.

I'll explain later.

Trust me.

(Roger)
Don't swing your arm
so much.

There's something
very odd about Cobb.

The man has been bringing
a dog to a law office

for three years,

and you just noticed
he's odd?

Yes, but he's speaking
with a funny voice.

Have you heard his secretary?

And he's imply...

We'll discuss this later.

[Roger, as edwina]
Tattletale!

Are you feeling all right?

(Roger)
Yeah, it's just
this whole cutwater thing

really got under my skin.

Look, I need to leave

just for about
an hour or two.

Forget it.
We're going to court tomorrow.

Court tomorrow,
i really... I... I...

Clear the decks.

Sit down.

It's my divorce.

Nobody knew.

To tell you the truth,
it's a little embarrassing.

Seymour was
representing me.

But he wasn't doing squat.
He wanted me to settle.

Now, you want a partnership?

You do for me
what you did

in the brenner case.

[Roger, thinking]
Oh, god, not now.

(Edwina)
Oh, just explain what happened.

(Roger)
Are you crazy?
I don't even believe it.

If I tell him,
he'll have me put away.

Look, before I can take care
of any of this,

there's something
very personal,

very private
i have to clear up.

Oh, yes, of course.

All right, sit down.
I'll tell you everything.

Oh, no, no.
I meant that I...

That's all right.
Don't be embarrassed.

I started cheating on my wife

three years ago.

(Edwina)
Oh, goodie, man talk.

I never intended to.

Women just started
throwing themselves at me.

[Roger, as edwina, chuckles]
You must be joking.

What?

(Roger)
I said, uh...
[Coughs]

I must be choking.
[Coughs]

Oh.

Anyway, I know it's not
because I'm Paul Newman

or anything.

[Roger, as edwina]
Oh, you can say that again.
What?!

(Roger)
I said, uh,
could you say that again?

I'm not Paul Newman?

Not... Paul... Newman.

Anyway,

it seems the one
of my wife's best friends

suddenly lost her husband.

Well, women usually do
outlive their men.

So naturally
she found herself cut off

from her normal
sexual relations, and, uh...

She turned to you,
and you comforted her.

I understand, sir.

You really didn't
do anything wrong.

Oh, you better believe it.

I was incredible.

I see, sir.

I think I can
figure out the rest.

Oh, and then another woman
was widowed.

Okay, so two little
indiscretions.

That's not such a big deal.

And then another one,
and, uh, another.

And pretty soon,

just going to a funeral
would give me a hard-on.

(Edwina)
Speaking on behalf
of the dead,

I find this disgusting.

I think I've got
the picture now.

Well, now, I'm not sure
you do.

You see, it's not
just sex.

Let me tell you.

[Telephone ringing]

These sweet
darling ladies

have given new purpose
to my life.

They've given me
the opportunity

to give something back
to the world,

instead of just
take, take, take.

Are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm fine!

(Edwina)
Oops. Sorry.

Anyway, you understand
what I'm saying?

I get to give love
and happiness

to people who really need
and appreciate it.

Hell, I'm the west coast
distributor

of love and happiness.

And for that,
i have to go to court?

Now, I don't deserve that.

I should get a dinner!

(Edwina)
He should get
a social disease.

(Roger)
I won't let you down.

Well, I'm counting
on you... son.

[Roger, thinking]
Shake hands with him.

Like a man!

[Makes wrenching sound]

Crazy musicians.

You won't regret this.

I know I won't.

If I do,
you'll never practice

in the free world again.

[Laughter]

[Makes wrenching sound]

(Edwina)
I certainly hope you plan
on losing that case.

How did it go, Roger?

[Roger, thinking]
The only thing I plan
on losing is you!

Nice talking
to you, rog.

You know, you have
a great deal to learn

about making someone
feel welcome.

Let's get something
straight here.

I never liked you
when you were in your body.

I certainly don't like you
in mine.

Well, I don't see why you're
getting so upset about all this.

Because I want my body back.

And I want my freedom
and my privacy.

And most of all, I'd like
to be able to take a leak

without being fondled.

You may find this
hard to believe,

but fondling you
while you make pee pee

is not my idea
of a good time.

Fine. Fine.

It's 2:00.

I have a lot of work
to do.

I want you out of me
by 3:15.

Now, where's the swami?

Well...

(Edwina)
You know, he's never been
away from Tibet.

So I put him up
at the ambassador.

Let's see,
what is that number?

"Hotels, hotels 'h'."

H... h... h... h... h.

Let's see.

[Humming]

* let your fingers do...

[Gasps]
Here it is, the ambassador.

[Gasps]
And look over here...
The Arlington.

That's where mommy,
in the spring of '62,

had her amethyst stolen from her
in the elevator.

It was just so distressing...

(Roger)
Give me that!

[Chanting]

Hmm.

[Toilet flushes]

[Telephone rings]

Ring.

[Toilet flushes]
[Telephone rings]

Ring.

[Toilet flushes]

[Rings]

Ring.
[Chuckles]

[Toilet flushes]

[No telephone ring]

Hmm?

Mm.

No. Oh, he hasn't
checked out.

[Sighs]

Oh, dear.

Yeah, oh, dear.

[Roger, as edwina]
Don't worry, I know
where to find him.

Good going, edwina.

(Edwina)
It's miss cutwater,
to you.

Hello, margo.
Oh, hi, peg.

(Roger)
Any woman who fondled me
in a men's room

I think I can be
on a first-name basis with!

[Roger, as edwina]
That's not fair.

You told me to
pull out your penis.

How 'bout a cup of coffee?

Where is she?

Oh, boy.

Where is she?!

There's nobody here.

Liar! I heard her.

So you want to get married
and settle down, huh?

Peggy, I swear there's
nobody else here.

Come on out,
you little slut!

[Roger, as edwina, gasps]
Who is she calling a slut?

(Roger)
Shh.

I heard that.

[Bix fussing]
Come on...

Deny it.

Where is she?

It was me.
Bix, stop that!

What was you?
The voice you heard.

I was talking to myself.

Listen...

[Roger, as edwina]
Your perfume suits you.

It's cheap and common.

(Edwina)
At least she slapped your side.

And who did I hear you say
was fondling you

in the men's room?

Me.
Liar!

(Edwina)
How dare she!

(Roger)
Oh! Edwina!

Edwina?

My name is Peggy,
you pig!

Ow!
No, let me explain.

It's edwina cutwater.
She died today!

You did it with
a dead woman?

No...
Roger, you are sick.

To think I came up here

to even discuss marrying you,

despite the fact that I heard

what you're doing
to my mother.

How did your mother get
into this?

I just found out
you're going to court tomorrow

to represent the other side
against my own mother.

I'm representing your father!

You're going to try
to beat my mother.

Oh, god.

Roger, you go to court
tomorrow,

we're through.

If I don't,

your father'll have
my balls.

Then it's either me
or your balls, Roger.

You can't have both.

Hmm, very interesting choice.

I'm not certain what purpose
balls actually serve,

but they've got to make
a better pair

than the two of you.

Well?

I'm very attached to them,
peg.

Good-bye, Roger.

By the way,
i never liked your dog.

And I think jazz is stupid!

[Door slams]

And I faked all those orgasms.

[Breathing heavily]

[Screaming]

Sound familiar?

Yeah, well I faked mine too.

[Scoffs]

Oh, believe me.

We're better off
without her.

She just isn't right for us.

Aah!

You know, ever since
our little accident,

I have sensed a lot of hostility
coming from you.

Well, excuse me!

But I'm watching
my entire career go

right down the sewer

'cause I've got a dead woman
living inside me.

And the only person
that can get you out

is some cosmic weirdo
you can't even find!

I can so find him...
I think.

Wait, I'm sure I'll know

where he'll be this evening.

Do you have a car?

[Edwina laughing]

Oh, this is fun!

(Roger)
Shift, damn it!

(Edwina)
Whee!

(Roger)
What are you doing?

(Edwina)
I never learned
how to drive.

Which is it?
One these pedal things?

(Roger)
The brake, not the gas!

Oh!

(Edwina)
The brakes, the gas.

I don't know which to hit.

(Roger)
Bix, let go of her.

(Edwina)
Stop it! Ow!

I'm gonna strangle
this mangy mongrel!

(Roger)
All right, that's it.

(Edwina)
This isn't the way.

Where are we going?

It's enough that I have
to put up with you,

but I will not subject my dog
to this one minute more!

Tyrone!
Oh, great, I gotta talk to you.

Hey, Roger dodger!

I got a call from the union
about some gig.

They wouldn't tell me
who recommended me,

but I smelled your fingerprints
all over it.

Thank you, bro.

It was nothing really.

[Roger as edwina]
Can we get on with this,
please?

Who's that?
Someone with you?

Sort of, yeah.

Well, where are your manners,
chump?

Introduce me to the lady.

Edwina cutwater,
Tyrone wattell.

[Roger as edwina]
Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

Hairy knuckles for a chick.

Look, I need your help.

Can you take care of bix
for a couple of days?

Yeah, sure, I...

Wait a minute, Roger.
What's wrong?

I really don't think
i could explain it.

What's wrong, Roger?

Well, edwina died today.

Her soul entered me

and took over the right half
of my body.

Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place?

I knew you'd understand.

Thanks for not having me
committed.

Roger, I got a lot of friends
crazier than you,

but I ain't got many better.

Thanks, pal.

Go with him, bix.

Come on, bix.
[Bix barks]

Nice meeting you,
edwina.

[Roger as edwina]
Bye.

[Tires chirp and squeal]

(Man)
A woman who would rather

buy a candle
than curse the darkness.

Pack 'em in, don't you?

Hello.
Come in.

I'll start over if you'd like.

Uh, no, thank you.

And we wonder, oh, lord,

what it means when
a person passes away

and so few take the time

to pay final respects.

(Edwina)
Oh, big deal.

(Roger)
He's not here.
Let's go find him.

However, we have received
a number of mailgrams.

Eh, from bereaved loved ones.

(Edwina)
Wait, wait.

Wait, I must hear this.

Lady, I have to prepare

for the most important case
of my life.

Let's get out of here, okay?

(Edwina)
No, I want to hear
these mailgrams.

Oh, I've really got to...

(Edwina)
I mean it.
Sit.

Very touching.

"We will miss her."

The bel aire oxygen
supply company.

(Edwina)
Oh, that's sweet.

"She was truly a great
customer."

J and j wheelchairs.

(Edwina)
Oh, they remembered.

And from Browning
orthopedic mattresses,

"may she continue
to rest in piece."

(Edwina)
Oh, how deeply touching.

[Peaceful singing]

*

Mr. Cobb.

Hmm?
Huh?

Mr. Cobb.

Oh, hi.

Boy.

What time is it?

Almost midnight.

Mr. Cobb, this morning
you were going to tell me

how you knew it didn't work.

[Sighs]

Edwina?

She's asleep.

Who's asleep?

Edwina.
Don't wake her.

Oh, this is great
when she's asleep.

Mr. Cobb,
Ms. cutwater's dead.

No, she's not.

She entered me instead of you.

What?

Where's the swami?

I haven't seen him.

Maybe he's back
at the hotel.

I just called.
There's no answer.

Oh, we should go there
and wait for him.

I gotta find that guy.

I can't take much mo...
Oh, god.

You poor dear.

You must relax.
Stop worrying.

No, no, I really think
we ought to go find him.

I'm sure he'll be at the funeral
tomorrow morning.

And if Ms. cutwater really
is inside you,

he'll help her leave
your body

and enter mine.

I think I envy her.

Mr. Cobb,

this morning...

When I placed your hand
on my heart,

did you feel anything
special?

Yes.

I felt your left...

Yes.

I felt something very special
pass between us.

Oh, Mr. Cobb,
by this time tomorrow,

my soul will be gone.

I want to know love
one last time.

Don't you think
we really oughta...

Please.

Mr. Cobb, let me take
the memory of passion

to sustain me
in the next world.

So, this would be, like,

for a good cause?

Oh, yes.

We have to be very quiet.

Oh, sure.

Good cause.
It's a good cause.

Good cause.

I'm ready, Mr. Cobb.
Take me.

Keep sleeping, edwina.

Yaow.
Oh.

Now.

[Moaning]

(Edwina)
What... what is all of this?

What's going on here?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

(Edwina)
What are you doing to her?

(Roger)
Nothing.
I'm not doing anything.

Go back to sleep.
You're dreaming.

[Roger as edwina]
Why, Ms. hoskins.
You whore!

You lascivious whore!

(Roger)
Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

[Roger as edwina]
You're a...

You're a shameless
little slut.

Yes.
(Roger)
Shut up.

Talk dirty.

[Roger as edwina]
You're nothing but
a cheap sex tramp.

Good, good.

Now call me a poodle,
Mr. Cobb.

Call me a cheap slut
sex poodle.

[Roger as edwina]
Why, you deserve
a good spanking.

Oh, Mr. Cobb!

[Roger as edwina]
Oh, you... you little bed bunny.

(Roger)
Edwina, no!

Mr. Cobb, yes!

You love rocket!

[Roger as edwina]
Stop talking like that!

Spank me again,
you bad boy.

(Roger)
Edwina, stop it!

[Roger as edwina]
I will not.

She should be ashamed
of herself.

And you should too!

(Roger)
Hey, hey!
God, oh!

Ow!

Mr. Cobb.

[Roger grunting]

For god's sake, edwina,
go away, will you?

[Roger as edwina]
I own that body.

What if you got her pregnant?
You have no right.

(Roger)
No, you have no right.

[Roger as edwina]
And you have no class.

You're rude, crude,
and thoroughly unattractive.

God, it is Ms. cutwater.

I'm sorry you had
such a lousy life.

I really am.

But just because nobody
ever did this with you

doesn't mean the rest of us
have to go without!

As a matter of fact,

I am quite proud
of my virginity.

It's something I have always
treasured.

Of course you did.

Nobody else ever wanted it!

[Blows raspberry]

[Door slams]

Terry, wait!

Lady, if prahka caca

doesn't show up by tomorrow,

I'm gonna get a...
A lobotomy.

Or a high colonic
or something.

You're getting the keys
to the street.

Oh, stop being
such a martyr.

As soon as I'm not dead
anymore,

I'll pay you for your troubles.

Pay me?

Oh, Jesus.

I just realized
why no one showed up

at your memorial service.

You forgot to hire mourners!

(Edwina)
You are an insensitive
horse's ass.

Do you know that?

(Roger)
Oh, drop dead.

(Edwina)
Look, Cobb.
I am talking to you.

For your information,

there's a perfectly good reason
nobody showed up

at my memorial service.

Yeah, what?

I don't have any friends.

I'm looking back
at an entire lifetime

and I don't have one friend.

[Crying]
I've never had any friends.

I've had only nannies
and tutors

and servants and nurses.

[Sobbing]

Once my parents hired
a clown to entertain me,

but he didn't like me.

And when my parents weren't
in the room,

he'd just sit there.

He didn't life a finger
to amuse me!

That's a terrible clown.

Yes, well,
that's not all.

When Fred's daughter
was a little girl,

she'd come to my house

to visit her father.

And the nurses would push
my oxygen tent

over to the bedroom window

so I could watch her
and all her little friends

ride my horses...

[Sniffs]
And swim in my pool

and run and play
and laugh.

And dance.

[Sighs painfully]

And I swore

I'd give every cent
i ever had

to be able to do all that,
to be free.

To be like her.

Oh, well, I've...

I've humiliated myself.

Anyway, what I really wanted
to say

was I'm sorry if I spoiled
your birthday.

And I'm sorry if I made you
being dead

an unpleasant experience.

I am dead, aren't I?

Oh, please,
make me not dead.

[Sighs]

I can't, edwina.

[Sniffs]

No sense wishing.

Hey.

I feel much better.

It's really late.

Why don't you go back
to sleep?

Aren't you coming
to bed?

[Yawning]

I can't.

I gotta prepare
for this case tomorrow.

You go to sleep.

[Edwina yawns]
Okay.

Good night, Roger.

(Roger)
Good night, edwina.

(Edwina)
Roger! Roger!

Roger, wake up.

Wake up, Roger.
Funeral time.

Let's go,

we've got to get up,
Roger.

Come on!
Up, up, up, up, up!

Let's go!

Ah, did you have
a good night's sleep last night?

Oh, yeah.

Go the full whole 7...
7 1/2 minutes.

No problem.

Oh, god.

Hmm.
Ohm.

[Phone rings]

Ohm ring.

[Rings]

Ohm ring.

[Rings]

Ring.

Ring.

[Rings]

[Phone ringing]

(Edwina)
Roger!

Yeah.

[Grunts]

All right, all right.

I'm awake, I'm awake.

(Edwina)
Oh, you have no idea
what it's like

to be inside a healthier body

than you've ever been in before.

I know.

That's what I was trying
to find out last night.

I cannot believe
you're still upset about that.

Careful, careful.

Of course you can't.

Can we hurry this up, please?

See, your problem
is you don't understand

how life has to be lived.

It's to be experienced
and savored.

(Edwina)
Oh, I know that,
you big dope.

Why do you think I've gone

to so much trouble
and expense

to buy myself another chance?

[Spits]

Because you're operating
under the mistaken assumption

that it's going to make
a difference.

Oh, come on.
It will too make a difference.

And inside your new body,

you'll still be
the same old sourpuss.

You'll wind up as bitter
and alone

as you always have been.

(Edwina)
Oh, I think not.

I'm gonna dance, Roger.

I'm gonna twirl and whirl
and spin.

I'm gonna cha cha cha
and merengue,

and I'm gonna dip deeply.

Go like this.

It's too unattractive.

So's a deep scar.
Just do as I say.

We don't have time
to argue.

What's the big hurry
anyway?

My funeral's not until 10:30.

'Cause I have to be in court
at 8:30.

How are you gonna make
the 10:30 funeral

if you have to be in court?

I'll figure it out
at 10:29, okay?

Oh, you are so cranky

when you haven't had
enough sleep.

And you recognize
your signature on this check?

Yes.

And on this?

Yes.

And this?

Yes.

No further questions.

Counselor.

(Edwina)
Roger?

Roger.
Roger, oh, my god.

You can't fall asleep
on me now.

Counselor.

Just a second.

(Edwina)
Roger, please wake up.

Counselor,
the court is waiting.

Your honor, I...

(Edwina)
Edwina, a man.
Act like a man.

[Deep voice]
Your honor, uh...

[Clears throat]

Your honor, uh,
gosh, uh...

[Clears throat]

[Mumbling]

Uh.

[Clears throat]

[Clears throat and spits]

Proceed with the witness.

What the hell
is the matter with you?

I'm just a little nervous,
that's all.

Don't be nervous.

It's just your career
that's at stake, that's all.

Mr. schuyler,
you didn't really

give those women $1/2 million
in gifts, now did you?

Yes, I did.

Oh.

But I bet you had
a darn good reason to,

now didn't you,
sport-o?

Why are you acting
like this?

Say "yes."

Yes.

[Laughs nervously]

He had a darn good reason.

Proceed.

Proceed?

(Edwina)
Proceed, edwina.

Like a man.
Proceed like a man.

[Coughs and hacks]

Proceed, um...

[Light voice]
Wait a second,
every Christmas, you gave me...

[Deep voice]
You gave, uh, Ms. cutwater
darling little gifts,

now, didn't you?
Yeah.

So it is your practice.

Indeed, ladies
and gentleman of the...

World...

It is standard practice among
many business professionals

to reward Valiant clients
with gifts, is it not?

[Blows nose]

[Indistinct commotion]

Yeah.

Yes, it is!

Objection.

The money in question

came from the schuylers'
personal account,

and not from the law firm,

and therefore
cannot be construed

as business gifts.

[Sighs]

Good point, toots.

[Clears throat]

Women, huh?

Can't live with them,
can't live without them.

(Edwina)
Oh, Roger, please wake up.

Mr. Cobb.

(Edwina)
I'm sorry, Roger.

[Screaming]
Roger, wake up!

[Gasping]

What?

Mr. Cobb,
are you all right?

Yeah.

No problem.

How do you respond
to the objection?

Objection?

Uh...

Could you read
that back, please?

"The money
in question came

"from the schuyler's
personal account,

"not from the law firm,
and therefore

cannot be construed
as business gifts."

(Roger)
Business gifts?

(Edwina)
I'm sorry, I couldn't think
of anything else.

(Roger)
Edwina, you're brilliant.

Your honor,

Mrs. schuyler's sole
source of support

was Mr. schuyler,
whose sole source of income

was the law firm.

So the better the law firm's
business was,

the more money Mr. schuyler
could take home

to Mrs. schuyler.

And therefore,
since business gifts

are intended
to increase business,

the more generous Mr. schuyler
was with his gift-giving,

the better able he was

to support Mrs. schuyler
in the manner

to which she'd
become accustomed.

Give me a minute.

(Roger)
Oh, edwina, I could kiss you.

We're gonna win it.

I'm gonna get my partnership,

and we're gonna
make that funeral.

Of course, none of those women
were clients,

but I won't tell anyone
if you won't.

(Edwina)
What?

I beg to overrule
the objection.

[Indistinct commotion]

Thank you, your honor.

(Edwina)
Just a second.

If they're not his clients,
then this isn't fair.

Your honor, I move we dismiss
claim for damages

on the grounds that those women
were not his... shut up!

What did you just say?

Nothing.

Just tell me
what you said.

I didn't say anything.

Were not his what?

Nothing, your hon...

Those women
were not his clients!

Mr. Cobb, are you all right?

Just bit my tongue,
that's all.

Mr. schuyler, were any of those
women clients of yours?

Oh, here we go.

No.
You're dead meat, buddy.

It's not me, it's edwina
cutwater's soul's inside me.

Oh, that's right.
Blame it all on me.

Well, it is your fault.
I had this case won!

No, I had it won,
but I would've been wrong!

(Judge)
What the hell's
going on here?

It's not fair,
and I will not

be a party
to unfairness.

Edwina, you're
in a court of law.

Fairness has nothing
to do with it!

That will cost you $500.
Contempt of court.

Good for you, judge.

$1,000!
Will you shut up?

No, you shut up.
$1,500!

Not you; Her.
I got someone inside me!

Well then,
both of you shut up!

Don't you tell me
to shut up, Charles.

I contributed
to your campaign!

$2,000, and bailiff, throw
this jackass out of my court!

I'm going to the state bar.
You're a lunatic!

She can't do this
to me!

He's not just a lunatic.
He's a pervert too!

He plays with himself
in the men's room!

And he cheated on me, daddy!

He had sex with a dead body
in your offices!

You're fired, Cobb!

(Edwina)
Oh, Roger,
i see what you mean

about "life is to be savored."

It's so...
It's so dramatic!

I am going to kill you.

(Edwina)
I was just trying to help.

You failed!

You know
what's happened to me

since you've
been helping me?

I've lost my girl,
I've lost my job,

I've alienated my dog!

I broke my sunglasses!

Can't even get
that kind anymore.

Stop helping me!

You know,
you are so ungrateful.

If it weren't for me,
you would get that partnership,

and then you'd have
to take cases like that,

and kiss your father's
high ideals good-bye.

You'd also be married
to Peggy.

You call that
savoring life?

Look who's talking
about savoring life.

I spent my life
in a sick bed.

What's your excuse?

You know, it's just
like a dead person

to say something like that.

How much
to the airport?

Uh, 30 bucks.

Make it 100.

Pan-am airlines,
see that he gets on the plane.

Jeez, lady, this plane
don't leave till midnight.

Make it 200.
No problem.

No problem.

Bon voyage.

Voyage?

We're wasting our time here.

Let's get
to the cemetery.

You better be there, lady.

Maybe Terry
picked him up.

You just better
be there!

[Elevator dings]

(Edwina)
There's the elevator, hurry!

Oh, I love running!

Have you seen prahka?

I was hoping you had.

I stopped by
the hotel this morning,

but he wasn't there.

Oh, ruin.
God.

(Edwina)
What is that?

And who are all those people
behind my hearse?

(Roger)
Oh, I invited them.

(Edwina)
What do you mean?

Last night,
while you were asleep,

I wanted to surprise you.

I thought it might make
your funeral

a little more fun,
i don't know.

Edwina?

Edwina?

You got a little mirror?

Uh, a compact
or something?

Thank you.

[Jazz music]

[Sobbing]

Oh, oh, Roger.
Thank you.

Okay, okay.

Don't make a big deal
out of it.

I just... just did it,

'cause I thought
i liked you.

I've gotten over that
since then.

Now, come on.

(Edwina)
It's all right.
I'm okay now.

Really, I'm fine.

You're okay?

(Edwina)
Yes.

[Sobbing]

It's the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me!

Don't say that.

(Edwina)
Well, it is.

[Sobbing continues]

You're the best friend
I've ever had.

Thanks.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.
Music got to me.

And I will dwell in the house
of the lord forever.

Amen.

[Jazz music]

*

Terry.

I have this
terrible feeling

we're never going
to see prahka lasa again.

Oh, we gotta
find that guy.

Maybe he's back
at the hotel.

I told you.
He's not there.

Let's call the police.
File a missing person's report.

Hey, maybe he's trying
to get home.

Let's check the airport.

Actually, you may be right
about the hotel.

He's bound to turn up
there eventually.

We should try there first.
Okay.

What are you doing?

We may not have
another chance, you know?

Oh, very naughty.

Please, Roger.

I want to feel your naked skin
next to mine.

I want to feel
our bodies merge.

I guess there's nothing wrong
with a quick little merge.

(Edwina)
Oh, no, you don't.

Do we have to go
through this again?

(Roger)
Why don't you just relax?
Maybe you'll learn something.

(Edwina)
I thought we were going
to find prahka lasa.

(Roger)
I'm just taking
a little breather, that's all.

(Edwina)
Yes, well put
your little breather

back inside your trousers,
and let's go find him.

Roger, what's wrong?

What?

Don't I excite you?

Edwina, what are you doing?

(Edwina)
I am thinking
of very old nuns.

Please don't
do this to me.

Roger, don't you want me?

Oh, god.

Now she's thinking
of dead kittens.

Would you excuse us?

All right.

What happened to "oh, Roger,
you're my best friend"?

I just don't feel like
performing a sexual act

on Fred's daughter.

Okay, okay, how about
if she performs one on us?
No.

Please?

No, no, what is so important
about sex?

What's so important
about sex?

That's like saying what's
so important about laughing,

or... or Duke Ellington,
or the world series.

It's one of those things
that makes you feel

like you're really living,

like you're glad
to be alive.

I am already glad
to be alive.

I don't need to play
tonsil hockey

with some English tart
to feel good.

I already feel good.
I feel wonderful.

In fact, I feel quite tingly.

That's right, those are
my tingles you're feeling.

What do you mean?

It's called sexual excitement.

It is?

Yes.

And if you think
this feels good,

wait till you feel
what hot, passionate

boffing feels like.

And what happens?
Bigger tingles?

Oh, major tingles.

But will she still respect us
in the morning?

She doesn't
respect us now.

Let's boff.

(Edwina)
Oh, dear, this could be
sort of embarrassing.

(Roger)
For who?

(Edwina)
For me.

As soon as I get Terry's body,

you know what
i look like naked.

(Roger)
I swear to god,
I'll never tell anyone.

(Edwina)
Okay, thank you.

(Roger)
You're welcome.
Now shut up.

(Edwina)
Well, what should I do?
How can I help?

(Roger)
Fantasize.

(Edwina)
Oh, okay.
I'm good at that.

Oh, Terry.
Oh, Roger.

Oh, Clark.

Wait a second, wait.

What are you doing?
I'm fantasizing.

I know, my head is filled
with pictures of Clark gable

taking his shirt off.

I know.
Isn't that hot?

No, it's sort
of cooling me off,

if you know what I mean.

It's making me tingle
like crazy, Roger.

Great, great,
now, just...

Just throw in a couple
of women on top of him,

and we're in business, okay?

Okay.

Is it all right now?

Sort of.

She's got the whole cast
of gone with the wind

humping in my head.

Oh, Roger.

Oh, Terry.

(Edwina)
Oh, Clark, vivien
and Olivia.

Oh, Ashley
and butterfly.

[Moaning]

[Metallic clanging]

Oh, no.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch?

I don't believe it!

Prahka, where the hell
have you been?

Been?

The airport?

What the hell were you doing
at the airport?

Airport.

Prahka, prahka.

It is now time
for Ms. cutwater's soul

to enter Ms. hoskins.

Enter Ms. hoskins.

It's me, prahka.
I'm inside Roger.

Name!

Go warm up the bowl!

[Hums]

Yeah!

[Humming continues]

Terry.

I, uh, guess it wasn't
meant to be between us.

I'll always
regret that.

But I want you to know that,
wherever it is you're going,

I hope you'll
be very happy.

Oh, I will.

With a wonderful house,
and beautiful horses,

and all the money in the world,
why shouldn't I be happy?

What?

Well, if you think

I'm really going
to go through with this,

you're not just stupid,
you're crazy.

[Roger as edwina]
What do you mean?

(Roger)
I'll handle this.
What do you mean?

When I first heard
about this,

I thought if the mad woman
wants to give her money away,

she may as well give it
to me.

I never really thought
that the flying nun here

would pull it off.

Wait a second.
You just can't leave her in me.

I'd really love to stay
and chat, darling,

but you've served
your purpose.

Now I've got to get back
to my mansion

and get ready
for my party.

Ciao.

Oh, by the way,

don't bother coming.

The guards will have orders
to keep you out.

Bye, Roger.

Good-bye, miss cutwater.

So long, prahka.

Please don't say it.

Oh, dear god.

All I wanted
was a second chance.

A fair shake.

Instead, I've made
a complete mess of your life.

And I've... I've left
all my money

to a lying, cheap slut,
sex poodle.

Oh!

[Roger as edwina]
Prahka, I want you
to release my soul.

Give Roger his freedom.

(Roger)
No! She double-crossed us.
We can fight this.

No. Perhaps prahka
can put my soul into an eagle

or some wonderful bird,
Roger,

so that I can fly free
with the wind,

hover over my house,

and shit on her head.

Stop talking like that.

I can't help it.
I'm pissed.

I became a lawyer because
i wanted to fight injustice.

I wanted to help
the little guy

against the big guy.

Big guy.

Instead,
i wound up representing

powerful rich people
like you.

But now, don't you see,

you're a pauper.

You were bilked out of what is
rightfully yours

by miss Terry hoskins,

who is today one
of the wealthiest women

in the state
of California.

And you want to be a bird!?

Forget it!

Oh.

Don't go soft on me now.

Oh, it's not that.

It's just that offering you
your freedom

is the first unselfish thing
I've ever done.

How's it feel?

Oh, wonderful.

You're okay, edwina.

Give me the number of the fulton
Norris orchestra, please.

Dad. You don't have
to do that.

You're not an employee
anymore.

Someone's got to do it.

I shall hire someone.

Pack your things.
You're moving up to the house.

I won't move in there.
It's not right.

Yes, you will.

I won't have people saying
my father lives in a stable.

I bought you a tuxedo.

You're coming to the party
tonight.

For god's sake,
take a bath.

You know, you're nicer
to that horse

than you are to people.

Why don't you take him
to your party?

If I thought it were
appropriate, I would.

Oh, you're lucky
you're a gelding.

(Man)
Step it up, guys.
Thank you.

Smile, please.

Now, gentlemen,
if you have to winky,

let's do it now.

We'll have full rehearsal
in five minutes.

Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Roger, exactly how you plan
on pullin' this off?

Beats the heck
outta me.

Well, if I can be
of any help at all,

you're in worse trouble
than I thought.

That's right.

Strum. Strum.
Strum.

[Roger as edwina]
Oh, this is so much more fun
than being a lawyer.

(Roger)
I know.

[Roger as edwina]
I think you should forget
the law

and become a musician
full-time.

(Roger)
It's a nice dream,
but I can't.

[Roger as edwina]
Roger, there's nothing sadder

than looking back
at the end of your life

and saying I didn't
do it right.

Believe me, I know.

(Roger)
Yeah. Oh, my solo's
coming up.

I need control of my hand.
Can you give it to me?

[Roger as edwina]
Sure.

[Soft music]

[Rock music]

*

[Roger as edwina]
Oops. Sorry again.

Is this some sort
of a joke?

You didn't like that?

Listen, I'll be okay.
Just, uh, need a minute.

All right, gentlemen,
let's take a break.

Who are those guys?

Bring the bowl too.
Bowl.

Come on.

You know, your friend's
a real freak.

Thank you.

See ya in the mornin'.

I've gotta put on
a bloody tuxedo!

Okay, prahka.

Om...

[Chanting]

Whoa.

Edwina? Oh.

Okay. Miss hoskins.
Hoskin.

Ah. Oh.
[Chanting]

Grab the bowl.
That that bowl.

Let go!
[Chanting]

[Horse neighs]

Wina in bowl?

New.

Where's edwina.
Wina.

Wina in water?
Wina.

You just made a big
mistake, buster.

Guards!

Can you put edwina
guards!

Back in the bowl?
Backinbowl.

Yes, backinbowl.

Just backinbowl.
Backinbowl nim.

Nim. What do you mean?

Oh, you have to fix
the bowl.

Fixbowl.
Fixbowl.

Fixbowl.
Fixbowl.

Fixbowl.
You put edwina
backinbowl.

Backinbowl.
Backinbowl.
Edwina backinbowl.

Gofixbowl.
Gofixbowl.

Go. Go.
Go. Go.

Edwina, if you can hear me,
blow some bubbles or something.

I'm talking to a bucket.

(Terry)
Get the bucket!

Get the bucket!

Don't let him get away!

Hurry!

Ty, feel this.

Take good care of it.

What is it?

It's very, very special.
No problem.

Hey, where are you goin'
with that green bucket?

Get out of my way!
Chh! Chh!

Oh! Damn.

It's all right.

Terry, no.

Want us to throw him
out, ma'am?

No. He's harmless now.

Good-bye, edwina.

Enjoy the party,
good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, here she is.
Ah, Mr. nifgen.

Good evening,
Mr. schuyler.

We have rather a pleasant
little orchestra.

Why don't you come dance?

Good evening, senator.
So glad you...

Daddy.
Oh, debonair.

Oh. Good evening.
I'm Terry hoskins.

Welcome to hoskins manor.

* all of me

* why not take all of me

* can't you see

* I'm no good without

god rest her wonderful soul.

I'll never forget her.

Just remember how comforting
it'll be

to look around
this magnificent home

and all we see,

a little bit of edwina
in everything.

Yes, especially
the flowerbed.

Yes.

Ty, I thought I had
everything under control.

I'm sorry,

my man.

I did not see her
grab the pitcher.

You know what
I'm sayin'?

It's not your fault, Ty.

Oh man, I feel empty.

You know, I know
this sounds crazy,

but I actually miss
the old girl.

[Tyrone as edwina]
Who are you calling an old girl?

That's not funny, Ty.

[Tyrone as edwina]
I'm not trying to be funny,

you, you peasant.

Edwina?

[Tyrone as edwina]
No, it's Pearl Bailey.

Who the hell do you think
it is?

Oh, edwina!

(Tyrone)
Hey, hey, that's my side,
stupid.

[Tyrone as edwina]
I'm over here.

What are you doing
in Ty?

[Tyrone as edwina]
How should I know?

I can't see a thing
in here.

(Tyrone)
Uh, my man, when you set
that pitcher down here

and said take care of it,

I thought it was gin
and I drank some.

Oh, you mean you've been
inside all that time?

Why didn't you say
something?

[Tyrone as edwina]
I wanted to see
if you missed me.

Cute. Cute. Cute one.
God. Come on, Ty. Come on.

Come on.

(Tyrone)
Hey, bix.

Prahka.

Fixbowl.

Oh, fix bowl. Great.

Edwina in water?

No, no, no.
Edwina not in water.

You're not gonna
believe this.

Say somethin'.

[Tyrone as edwina]
Your holiness,

it is I, edwina cutwater.

[Laughs] Edwina.

I fail to see humor
in the situation.

He drank her.

He drank her.
He drank her.

Hedrankher.
Hedrankher.

[Tyrone as edwina]
If it had not been

for Mr. wattell, I'd be edwina
the flowerbed right now,

you big dope.

Bigdope.

Look. Look.
Take edwina out.

Put back in me.

In me.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay.
Really?

It's the only
safe place.

Oh, you really are
my friend.

(Tyrone)
I sure hope nobody else
can see this.

Okay.

[Chanting]

Good night.
You're in the Roosevelt room.

You know. Yes.

And you need anything,
you call grace.

Good night.

Good night.

God night.

Ty, don't be crazy.
You gotta get back on the bus.

Oh, no way, Jose.

I gotta find out
how this magilly ends.

Ty.
Besides,

I can be a help.

Walkin' around in the dark
is my territory.

Okay, you're hired.

Oh, god.

This way.

What kind of seeing eye dog
is this anyway?

You hang back here.

Hang back here.

Hi, sailor.

Are you having
a good time?

I am.

I hope I have as much fun
in my new body

as I've had in yours.

Thanks.

There she is.

Roger, now that you know
what a horrible person she is,

aren't you glad
you weren't intimate with her?

I thank my lucky stars.

I'm glad you said that.

I've been thinking.

If things work out,

you just might get
another chance.

Well, edwina cutwater...

That's our cue.

Let's go.
Let's go.

[Whispers]
Ty, watch your head.

[Hushes]

Come on, prahka.
Come on, prahka.

Come on, prahka,
prahka, prahka.

Bix, go outside.
Move.

Go on.

Prahka,
take care of Ty.
Ty.

Take care of Ty.
Ty.

Good. Shh.
Good. Shh.

Shh. Shh.
Shh. Shh.

Oh!

[Metal clatters]

[Hushing]
[Hushing]

Ah!
Nim!

Hello, darling.

What are you waiting for,
Roger?

Grab her.
[Cocks gun]

Watch out, man.
I think she got a gun.

Let's all take a nice
little walk now, shall we?

Where are we going?

Shh. We don't want
to wake up the other guests.

What are you going
to do?

I shall say you sneaked
back into the house to rob me.

(Tyrone)
Oh, we in trouble, Roger.

That you took this gun
from my night table.

(Tyrone)
Big trouble.

(Terry)
And you led me at gunpoint
to a quiet room.

This is it.
And in there.

How do you expect
to get away with this?

I'll just tell
the truth.

You brought me
to this room.

We struggled.
I grabbed the gun.

What the hell
is going on?

[Gunshot]

(Tyrone)
Watch out!

Sounded like a gunshot.

Somebody's fightin' now,
Roger.

Somebody just knocked over
some furniture.

[Articles clatter, shatter]

Sounds like an end table
with tchotchkes on it, Roger.

It's okay now.
It's all over.

Who won?

We did, Ty.

I'm calling
the police!

Good idea.
Who's that?

No, don't!

I won't go back to jail.

Back to jail?

Who's going back to jail?
Terry?

Where did all these people
come from?

Get me the police.

Police?
That's right!

This is attempted homicide.
Two counts maybe.

Oh, lord. That'll be
her third conviction.

Third conviction?

Well, you're
a three time loser.

You're going
into the slammer

and they're gonna throw away
the key.

I won't go back. I promise
I'll kill myself first.

She would, you know.

Hello, police.

Yes, this is Burton schuyler.

I want to report
an attempted homicide.

Yes, I'm over he...
Stop!

Miss cutwater.

[Roger as edwina]
Yes?

If I go to jail,
i take my body with me.

(Roger)
Hang up, schuyler.

I'll make a deal
with you.

[Chanting]

Terry!

Terry.

Oh, my lord.
That was powerful.

Edwina.

Roger.

It worked.

It really worked.

Is Terry in there too?

She's gone.

Terry.

[Horse neighs]

Are you sure
this is what you want, honeybun?

[Horse neighs]

Thank you, mum.

I don't know how I'm going
to explain this

to her parole officer.

But thank you.

That's quite all right,
Fred.

Come on, baby.

Gonna fix you up
a nice private stable

and never leave
daddy again.

No more thievin'.
No more swindlin'.

Just runnin' and prancin'
and jumpin'

for the rest of your life.

[Blues music]

*

[hits note on key]

*

[hits note on key]

*

[hits note on key]

*

[hits note on key]

*

[hits note on key]

*

[prahka plays jazz piano number]

*

so how do you feel?

Alive and healthy.

And... and scared.

Why?

'Cause I've finally got
what I always wanted.

And there are no excuses
anymore.

Hey, welcome
to the real world.

What?

Tingles.

It's supposed to.

You ought to try it
more often.

Is that advice
from my lawyer?

Lawyer. Hell.
I'm no lawyer.

I'm a musician.
You are?

Yeah.

You know, I've had
more real feeling

in the last few days

than I have in the last
ten years in that damn office.

Those papers stacked
up to here

and that florescent lighting
burning off all my vitamins.

Unlike you, most of us
only get to go around

once in life.

And I'm not gonna spend
the rest of mine

sitting behind a desk.

Oh, I love it

when you talk
like a beer commercial.

Hey, let's dance.

I don't know how.

Oh, it's easy.

Now put your feet
on top of mine.

That's how... that's how
kids learn how to dance. See?

Try with your own feet.

* all of me

* why not take all of me

* can't you see

* I'm no good without you

* take my lips

* I want to lose them

* take my arms

* I'll never use them

* your good-bye

* left me with eyes
that cry *

* how can I

* go on dear without you

* you took the part

* that once was my heart

* so why not take all
of me *

* why not take all

* of me

* take all of me

* can't you see

* I'm no good without you

* take my lips

* I want to lose them

* and take my arms

* I'll never use them

* your good-bye

* let me with eyes
that cry *

*

* how can I

* go on dear
without you *

* you took the part

* that once was my heart

* so why not why not

* why not why not
why not *

* why not why not
why not why not why not *

* why not take all

* of me

* why not take all
of me, baby *

* why not take all of me

* why not take all

* of me *