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(DOGS BARKING)

- (SQUEAKING)
- (WHIMPERING)

(GUNS COCKING)

Ah, the Heckler & Koch G36.

Quite deadly in the right hands.

(GUN COCKS)

Ah! Agent One.

I have been so looking forward
to this moment.

Well, in that case, I'll try not to disappoint.

You overestimate your power
over women, Mr English.

I'd say that would be virtually impossible.

Sir? Sir?

- Sir!
- (EXCLAIMS)

- Have you got them?
- Hmm?

The mission documents.
Agent One's flying to Biarritz tonight.

Yes, yes, the mission documents.
They're here somewhere. Don't worry.

Ah! Here we are.

Agent One.

Gentlemen.

I'm here for my documents.

Bough, Agent One's documents, please.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Thank you.

Your mission documents, Agent One.

Including the codes for the submarine hatch,
which I've checked myself.

- Thank you.
- So, is it just France tonight,

or will you be slipping
over the Pyrenees as well?

If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

Oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(STAMMERING) Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I expect you would.

Cheerio, Agent One.

Bonne chance!

Arrivederci.

Such class. Such distinction.

(BELL TOLLING)

The greatest secret agent England's
ever had, snuffed out in an instant.

Terrible.

Do you know what makes us envied
the world over, Bough?

That there's always another agent waiting
to step into the breach.

Absolutely, sir.

And every last one
of them is gathered round that grave.

It is our honour and privilege
to guard them while they grieve.

Their lives are in our hands, Bough.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Everything in order, English?

I think you'll find it's rather more than just
in order, sir.

You're now entering the most secure location
in the whole of England.

(COW MOOING)

MAN: Pegasus, we face a national crisis.

Agent One was clearly onto something,
and we have to find out what.

I need another agent on this immediately.
Who else is there?

No one, Prime Minister.
They all died in the explosion.

All of them?

Well, luckily there is one who survived.

Who?

One eye on the shadows
Protecting his fellows

From sunup to the moon on his back

(GRUNTING)

Sendin' villains to Hades
A hit with the ladies

Johnny. Hello.

A stallion in the sack

You can't get your life back
when right follows left, jack

(THUDDING)

The more you see, the less you know

When others would leak it
His service is secret

Plays God when it's your time to go

Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous

When they made him, they broke the mould

So charismatic
With an automatic

Never prematurely shooting his load

Queen and country safe and sound
With villains six feet underground

And no one knows
'cause no one's found any trace

Of a man for all seasons
Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone

And you and I wouldn't have a clue
Who's doin' what, why, when and who

Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out for the man for all seasons

Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone
But safe at home

Yeah, yeah

But safe at home
But safe at home

And you and I wouldn't have a clue
Who's doin' what, why, when and who

Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out for the man for all seasons

Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone
But safe at home

Right.

Johnny English. I'm here to see Pegasus.

Still, no sense rushing things.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

There are some items you need
to sign before your briefing.

This is your new retinal ID card,

- and this is your level nine security clearance.
- Mmm-hmm.

Sign and date, please.

(GROANS)

Ah!

Oh, reminds me
of the old service-issue ballpoint.

I remember every agent would carry a pen
that looked just like this.

Completely innocent to the untrained eye,
but click it twice...

- (FIRES)
- (GASPS)

Ah, English, there you are.

Have you seen my secretary?

Um...

She went out.

Um...

Shall we?

Now, Agent One believed

that there was a plot
to steal the Crown Jewels.

Now, they've recently been
through a multimillion-pound restoration,

largely paid for
by a corporate sponsor, of course.

And they're due to be unveiled tonight
at the Tower of London.

Unfortunately, the Queen is insisting
that the ceremony goes ahead,

so what we want you to...

Ha!

Who... Who...

Who is the sponsor, sir?

Pascal Sauvage.

What, that flouncy Frenchman
who owns a couple of prisons?

Sauvage's £7-billion empire, English,

operates over 400 prisons in 60 countries.

- He's built 25 of them here.
- Right, sir.

The man's related to the royal family,
for goodness' sake.

As far as the prime minister's concerned,

he's one
of the greatest friends England's got.

Now, English, I want you
at the Tower tonight,

monitoring this unveiling.

Any chink in security, any weakness,

however slight,
must be plugged immediately.

Do we understand each other?

- Perfectly, sir.
- Good.

- Oh, yes.
- And, English,

we can't afford any mistakes. Not tonight.

The word "mistake," sir,
is not one that appears in my dictionary.

(ENGINE REWING)

Fantastic car, sir!

(INDISTINCT)

Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony Chevenix,
head of royal security.

Ah, Colonel, good evening.

Snipers posted on the roof
as per my request?

- Thirteen of them.
- Windows?

Refitted with bullet- and shatter-proof glass,
as ordered.

I shall now mingle inconspicuously
with the guests.

- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.
- Very good.

Shall I mingle with you, sir?

Oh, yes, Bough.
Once you've checked the roof.

(INDISTINCT)

(SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Help! Help!

ENGLISH: Well, hello.

Hello, yourself.

Johnny English.

Lorna Campbell.

A Bloody Mary, please, not too spicy.

So, are you here
in some professional capacity?

I worked on the restoration of the Jewels.

- Intriguing.
- And yourself?

(CHUCKLES) If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

I'd like to see you try.

Monsieur Sauvage, on behalf of Her Majesty,

may I welcome you to the Tower.

Merci, monsieur.

So, are you here alone, Mr English?

That's how I choose
to live my life, Miss Campbell.

Women want safety, security.
I can offer them nothing but danger.

Some women find danger very attractive.

Women like you, Miss Campbell?

Women like me expect men like you
to find that out for yourself.

Hmm!

Madame.

Oh, it's for me, actually.

And could you rustle up

some of those cheesy niblets
that are going around?

Now, where were we?

You obviously haven't met our host,
Monsieur Sauvage.

No, thank God.

You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom
impaled on a giant cactus

than exchange pleasantries
with that jumped-up Frenchman.

As far as I'm concerned,

the only thing the French
should be allowed to host is an invasion.

(SNICKERS)

Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell.
I've been so looking forward to meeting you.

SAUVAGE: Enchanté.

(STAMMERING)

But of course! You're Johnny English.
I've heard all about you.

And between you and me,
I'm not so keen on the French myself.

But, please, don't tell them that.

Let me go and search
for your nibbly cheese bits.

(STAMMERING) No, no, I don't...

Please, I insist.
The French are, after all, fantastic waiters.

- The best in the world.
- Well, but... But...

- Wait here, and I will wait on you.
- No, no, really. There's no...

No, no. Please, please, please, please!

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS) Les Français.

Ils sont very... (EXCLAIMS) N'est-ce pas?

Ladies and gentlemen,
mesdames et messieurs,

bienvenue, welcome tonight
to this wonderful occasion.

As we stand here in the Tower of London,

the most famous prison in the world,

where these wonderful Jewels will rest safely
under lock and key,

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I want to thank you
for giving me this wonderful experience

to contribute to the restoration
of these Jewels.

- It was, as we say in France, le top, le best of.
- (SIGHS)

- (FEIGNED CHUCKLE)
- And what a beautiful...

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

It's Colonel Chevenix!
He's got a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?

The assailant. He ran in here.

Bough, you guard the door.

A-ha!

- (GRUNTING)
- (POUNDING)

Oh, for God's sake, Bough, don't come in.
The man's a maniac!

(ALL GASPING)

You don't frighten me!

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Missed!

(CLANGING)

(ALL GASPING)

- (SPITS)
- (CLATTERING)

- (GROANS)
- (ALL EXCLAIM)

(GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

(KARATE YELLS)

(GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

(ALL GASP)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

I have managed to subdue the assailant.

The panic's over. Everything's under control.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEVENIX GROANS)

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we should compose ourselves
for the arrival of Her Majesty

and return to the site of our great nation's
magnificently restored Crown Jewels.

(WHIRRING)

(ALL GASPING)

I know. I feel it, too.

The very symbols of our island nation,

so close we could almost reach out and...

(FANFARE)

MAN: Pray silence for Her Majesty the Queen.

QU EEN: Oh, where are the Jewels?

PEGASUS: It's an unmitigated disaster,
English.

I couldn't agree more, sir.

Well, we need to get these Jewels back,
English, and fast.

Tell me about this assailant,
because when they searched the room later,

there was no sign of him.

Well, the man was clearly a professional.

He must have escaped
while the Queen was being sedated.

But he's the only lead we've got, English.
We have to find him.

Come in. This is...
This is Roger from Data Support.

Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness
based on your description.

So tell us, what did this man look like?

Um...

Well...

He was big.

Hair colour?

Um...

Orange.

- Orange?
- Mmm. And curly.

Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.

- Frizzy.
- An eye patch.

Broken nose. Very few teeth.

Two, I would say, at the most.

And a scar on his cheek,

in the shape of a banana.

- ROGER: Which cheek?
- Both cheeks.

They sort of met in the middle.

(BLEEPING)

Are you sure about this, English?

(GASPS)

ENGLISH: Yes, that's him.
An uncanny resemblance.

Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

(HORN HONKING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Wow! (CHUCKLES) Look at this, sir.
Got all the bells and whistles, doesn't it?

Never mind about the gadgets, Bough.
Just focus on the case.

(HORN HONKS)

(ENGINE REVS)

Oh, uh...

Good morning, gentlemen.
Thank you very much for waiting.

Now, the question that faces us
this morning is a simple one.

Namely, how did the thieves gain access
to this highly secure environment

and then escape with the Jewels afterwards?

A simple question,

but one which I believe
has a complex answer.

- Actually, sir...
- Please, Bough. My mind is at work.

Now, what you must grasp,
gentlemen, is that the master criminal

sees not a room,
but a series of opportunities.

Should I go in through the window?

Possibly.

Should I drop down from the ceiling?
Perhaps.

- Actually, sir...
- There's one thing

I think we can be fairly confident about,

and that is that they didn't come up
through the floor...

- (GRUNTING)
- I've got you, sir.

Right. That's all right.
Just come my way, Bough.

- That'd bring me right over the hole, sir.
- Bough, there's no need to panic.

(DISTANT CLATTERING)

Can you see the bottom yet, Bough?

BOUGH: (ECHOING) Not yet, sir.
The shaft appears to be narrowing.

I'm just a little bit worried I might get stuck.

Trust me, Bough.
You won't get stuck if you just keep moving.

BOUGH: Yes, sir.

(BOUGH GRUNTING)

Right. Okay, sir.

Are you at the bottom now, Bough?

BOUGH: No, I am in fact stuck now, sir.

Oh, for God's sake, Bough.
Stay there! I'm coming down.

BOUGH: Uh, I'm not especially sure
that's a good idea, sir.

Don't worry.

BOUGH: Careful, sir!

Gently does it.

- (SCREAMING)
- Sir?

(THUDDING)

BOUGH: You all right, sir?

ENGLISH: Yes.
I landed on something quite soft.

- BOUGH: That was me, sir.
- Oh, good.

BOUGH: What now?

ENGLISH: There's no way back up there,
that's for sure.

But this must lead somewhere.

BOUGH: I'm ever so slightly uncomfortable
in the dark, sir.

ENGLISH: There's nothing
to worry about, Bough.

It may be pitch black, but we can still see.

BOUGH: Can we, sir? How?

ENGLISH: The Bedouin monks
of the al-Maghrib mountains

developed a system of sonic chanting.

- BOUGH: I see, sir.
- The sound of their chanting

would bounce back off any obstacles,

and using their highly tuned ears,

they could paint a mental picture
of the path ahead.

- BOUGH: Brilliant, sir.
- However, you must always sing in E-flat.

(ENGLISH HUMMING)

ENGLISH: (SINGING) E-flat, E-flat, E-flat

Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing

- BOUGH: Is it working, sir?
- Extremely well, thank you, Bough.

Thanks for all the joy they're...

- (THUDDING)
- Ow!

BOUGH: You all right, sir?
I think I can see something, sir.

ENGLISH: Oh, yeah. Shh! Come on.

(MEN SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY)

MAN 1: Here's the long one.

MAN 2: It is a long one.

Careful.

- (WHISPERING) I knew it.
- Shall we call for backup, sir?

What? And watch some fat-bottomed bobby
make our arrest for us?

I don't think so.

(CLANGING)

Good morning, gentlemen.
Ml7 at your service.

Observe, Bough, the dull incompetence
of the criminal mind.

It can never hope
to match our level of technical expertise.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(COUGHING)

- You've got it.
- BOUGH: What do we do now, sir?

Watch and learn, Bough.

- It's no good, sir. They're too far ahead of us.
- Have faith, Bough. They're heading south.

(NUNS SCREAMING)

- There they are, sir!
- Just as I thought.

Hang on tight, Bough.

(BOUGH EXCLAIMS)

We're never gonna catch them in this.

Take the wheel, Bough.
I'm getting in the Aston.

Sir?

(HORN HONKING)

Change places, Bough.
I'm getting out the other side.

Sir?

Set, Bough. Take me up.

(WHIRRING)

Swing me out, Bough!

Whoa!

Down.

(HORN HONKING)

Up! Up!

Sorry!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Bough, pull out!

Ow! Ow!

Those idiots are right behind us. Faster!

Uh-huh!

(HORN HONKING)

Drop me here, Bough!

(GROANING)

No! No! No!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(REWING)

ENGLISH: They're turning
into the Brompton Cemetery, Bough.

Get here as soon as you can. I'm going in.

PRIEST: In a wheelchair.

But Geoffrey
overcame these terrible disabilities

with that simple resilience
and sunny optimism

that so warmed all of us who knew him,

spending the rest of his life in the service

of the poor and disabled of this parish.

It's very good. Really very good.

No, no, please. No, go on.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

- It's very entertaining.
- Who's that?

That priest act of yours

should keep the other prisoners entertained
for hours.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are my manners?
Johnny English,

British Secret Service,
and you are all under arrest.

(WOMAN SOBBING)

I must say,
you've done this whole thing very well.

The attention to detail is excellent.

You, the grieving granny,
you're very convincing.

Oh, look. Real tears.
Do you get paid extra for that?

Ah!

What we're all here for.

I know! Why don't we take a look inside?

(ALL GASPING)

Oh!

You've nailed it down!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Why would you do that?

I know you're gonna come back in two weeks
and dig it up again.

(VOCALISING)

Now, what are you playing
in this little vignette of deceit and villainy?

I'm the hearse driver.

- You're the hearse driver?
- Yes, sir.

Ah! A-ha!

There you are, Gunther.

Uh, I do hope he hasn't made a nuisance
of himself.

I'm Doctor...

Bough, of the Lunatic Response Unit.

I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't supposed
to be released until 2028.

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Isn't that right, Gunther?

Yes, yes, there's been
a most monumental cock-up.

Um...

If you'll excuse me,
with the deepest respect, utmost sympathy.

Uh...

He hasn't urinated on anyone, has he?

- No.
- No, no.

That's a blessing.
Are you gonna give me the gun, Gunther?

(WOMAN CRYING)

There. That wasn't too difficult, was it?

Are you going to come home now?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Oh! In the van!
Yes, yes, we are going in the van.

Yes, yeah.

- Vroom, vroom!
- (MIMICKING)

Yes. Yeah.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Yes. He's waving goodbye.
Goodbye, everyone.

- ALL: Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Gunther.

Mind the nice dead people. There we go.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh! We'll just go to the path here.
There. Big step.

It's a graveyard. It's where they bring people
when they pass...

ENGLISH: Yes, yes, all right, Bough.
You can stop now.

BOUGH: For appearances' sake,
I'll just hold your arm, sir.

ENGLISH: Yes, yes. Just keep walking.

In fact, run, run, run!

SAUVAGE: I can't believe I've done this.

I mean, I really cannot believe I've done this!

You see, 200 years ago,

my family should have inherited the throne
of England,

but they were cast aside.

Well, in a few very short days,
it will be back where it belongs.

With me.

Shall I try it on? Yes? No? Maybe?

To make you King, we need
the Archbishop of Canterbury to do that.

The Archbishop of Canterbury

is being taken care of even as we speak.

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

There's only one thing, sir.
What are we going to do about English?

If I were you,
I wouldn't worry too much about English.

He is no threat to us. I had his flat bugged.

(KARATE YELLS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ow!

(GRUNTING)

- (YELLS)
- (DUCK SQUEAKS)

(GRUNTING)

Clearly, the aptly named English is a fool.

He might be a fool,
but he's a fool who keeps showing up.

Well, the next time he shows up,

eliminate him.

Thank you.

BOUGH: Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir.

Released from prison six months ago,
327 convictions between them.

Armed robbery, grievous bodily harm

and combined parking fines
of more than 400...

Yes, yes, all right.
Thank you, Bough. I think we get the picture.

The point is, sir, that Vendetta and Klein

are both in the employ of Monsieur Sauvage.

- Pascal Sauvage?
- Precisely, sir.

But you're not suggesting
Sauvage is involved?

I think he's more than just involved, sir.

I'm convinced he's
up to his French neck in it.

Don't be absurd.
Sauvage employs thousands of people.

Just because two of them are villains
doesn't mean that he is.

No, I want him discounted
from this investigation immediately.

Yes, sir.

All right. Tonight I shall be at Sauvage's
reception for the new French ambassador.

Any developments, you can reach me there.

Apart from that, I don't want you
within a hundred miles of the man.

Absolutely, sir.

Requisition order,
Ml7 quartermasters for immediate supply.

One military transport plane, fully fuelled,

with permission
for night-time city over-flight.

Two night camouflage parachutes,
plus reserves,

plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black.

I've never liked the navy blue.

And a 40-inch chest for me
'cause I need the sleeve length.

- Morning, Felch.
- Morning.

Oh, and two special forces signet rings,
primed and colour-coded.

- What's all this for, sir?
- For tonight's operation, Bough.

We're going to break
into Sauvage's headquarters.

- But I thought Pegasus said...
- You let me worry about Pegasus.

I know that Sauvage is behind all this,

and tonight we're gonna get the evidence
to prove it.

- Something wrong, sir?
- Did that sound like Felch to you?

(CLATTERS)

(FIRING)

(WHISPERING) Bough...

You, upstairs.

(INAUDIBLE)

(GRUNTING)

Ow!

Can you see him, Bough?

He's on the upper level, sir.

Got him.

And like a coiled viper, he strikes.

(THUDDING)

(BOUGH GROANS)

So what you're saying, sir,
is there must have been two of them?

Oh, at least, Bough. Possibly four.

I wonder why I didn't see them.

You mustn't dwell on your mistakes, Bough.

- You must learn from them, then move on.
- Yes, sir.

- So where were you, sir?
- Just drop it, Bough!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Ah!

- What is it, sir?
- That bike.

You get things sorted out for tonight.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, well, we meet again.

Mr English. What a pleasant surprise!

I wondered when you might show up again.

On the contrary, Miss Campbell.
It is not I who keeps showing up. It's you.

- Do you like sushi?
- Hmm?

Oh, sushi! Oh! I practically live off the stuff.

You might say the mysteries of the Orient
are no mystery to me.

- Sake?
- Ah! Sake.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Now then, perhaps you can explain how it is

that I run into you at two crime scenes

and then can't find any record of you
on a single government computer.

Shouldn't you ask the government that?

I am the government and I'm asking you.

Let me.

Hmm!

You're brave.

They say that sea urchin's
the ultimate acquired taste.

(SCOFFS) It's a personal favourite of mine.

I think people are put off
by how it feeds through its bottom.

- Would you excuse me for a moment?
- Mmm.

(GAGGING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from Ml7. Sorry.
I'm a secret agent. I am...

- Everything set, Bough?
- Just about, sir.

Actually, sir, do you mind
if I run through the plan one more time?

- No, no.
- These are the two buildings here.

This one is our target,
Sauvage's headquarters,

right next to the City Hospital.

I jump first and land on the south side
of the roof,

abseil down 14 floors
and cut through this window here.

ENGLISH: I then land on the east side
of the roof and abseil down 12 floors.

Where you wait for my signal
that I've disabled the alarm system.

- Yes.
- You then break into this window here,

work your way along the secure corridor
and penetrate Sauvage's office.

- Yes, yes.
- Is that okay, sir?

It's been okay
ever since I thought up the idea, Bough.

Oh, I nearly forgot, sir. Your laser beacon.

- My what?
- Your laser beacon!

It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building.

Your dependence on hardware
really does amuse me, Bough.

I've been dropped into the Kalahari Desert

carrying nothing more than a toothbrush
and a packet of sherbet lemons,

and I still found my way
to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

So thank you, Bough, but no thank you.

- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Bough, go!

BOUGH: Geronimo!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Fandango!

Ugh!

(EXCLAIMING)

Right.

(BUZZING)

(BEEPS)

Alarm's disabled, sir.

Roger that, Bough.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

This is worse than I thought, Bough.

Sauvage has got some kind
of laboratory set up here.

God knows what kind
of sick operation he's running.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

My God, what have they done to you?

They've taken some of my blood.

- Bastards!
- It's only for tests.

Of course it is. Come on, my friend.

Let's get you out of here
before they take anything else.

(GROANING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Good evening, Dr Frankenstein.

This way, please.

Come on, come on. I haven't got all night.

And you, you angels of death.

About turn. Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on. Keep moving.

Come on. Over there.
I know what you're doing here. And you.

Come on. Quicker. Quicker. Come on.
Over there.

Now then,

perhaps you could direct me
to your evil paymaster.

- What are you talking about?
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?

Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

I'm from Ml7.

This has been a test
of your emergency response systems,

and I have to say,
you've all done extremely well.

Right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
And, get well soon.

Oh, God!

Sir. Sir.

(EXHALES)

Did you just land on the wrong building?

(SCOFFS)

I did a precautionary sweep
of the immediate environment.

Right.

- And everything was fine.
- Good.

Okay, let's go.

I'll be downstairs at the reception...

- That's far enough.
- Well, good evening.

- Perhaps you'd like to have this as well.
- What is it?

ENGLISH: Let me show you.

(GRUNTS)

Well executed, Bough,
but completely redundant.

- How do you mean, sir?
- Super-strength muscle relaxant.

When he wakes up,
he'll be as floppy as a damp old sock.

(MEN SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERS) What's this?

That's the face
of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

What are they doing?

What's this got to do with the Crown Jewels?

Bough.

(BEEPS)

(WHIRRING)

SAUVAGE: English.

A people whose empire once covered
one quarter of the surface of the earth.

Alas, no longer.

Now, my friends ask me,
"Pascal, how can you be so interested

"in such a backward, grotty little country?"

My answer is simple. The Queen.

The Queen has more power
in her tiny white gloves

than any other head of state
in the entire world.

She can declare war or make peace,

and most intriguingly,

she can seize any piece of land
which takes her fancy.

Of course, the Queen never uses
the enormous power afforded to her.

But imagine someone
who would use that power.

Imagine, say, me.

How could he do that, sir?
How could he make himself King?

The Archbishop.

(SAUVAGE CONTINUES SPEAKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Ow!

Hands up. There's a good fellow.

Heavily armed for a late night at the office,
wouldn't you say, Bough?

You fool, English.
You'll never get out of the building alive.

I'd save your breath for my questioning.

I'm not telling you anything.

Incorrect.

(CLICKS)

Sodium pentothal.

I won't lie to you. It's a truth serum.

(GROANS)

Now then, why does Sauvage want
to have himself crowned?

You have no idea what's going on here,
do you?

(CHUCKLES)

It would be funny if it wasn't so...
(MUMBLES)

What?

(MUMBLING GIBBERISH)

- He's talking gibberish, sir.
- Yes, I can hear that, Bough.

(GROANS)

- He's collapsed onto me, sir.
- Yes, I can see that, Bough.

You don't think you could've
got the syringes mixed up, do you, sir?

- What do you mean?
- Given the guard outside the truth serum

and given Klein the muscle relaxant?

Ah!

Don't be ridiculous, Bough.
I think I know my right from my left.

- Sir?
- Oh, bugger it!

Bough, take "flodd."

Take what, sir?

Flodd. Schlage.

I'm not quite getting that second word, sir.

Schlage!

- Write it down, sir.
- Schlage!

Yes! Schlage!

(MUTTERING)

"C! C-A..."

Car! Take the car! We didn't come by car, sir.
We came by plane.

(BOTH MUMBLING GIBBERISH)

Bugger off!

Hold it right there.

(GROANS)

- What's wrong with them?
- They got their... I'm not telling you.

Wrong answer.

What is it with you two?

Ah!

(MUTTERING)

Let's get out of here.

Sorry, but who are you, exactly?

Special Agent Campbell.
I'm attached to Interpol in Paris.

We've been watching Sauvage for months.

(GROANS)

Why?

Because every major convict

released from a Sauvage prison
in the last six months

has been employed by one of his companies.

We believe he's recruiting them
for a major criminal conspiracy.

We just don't know what yet.

(ENGLISH MUMBLES GIBBERISH)

- What did he say?
- (SLURRING) Pegasus!

We have to report to Pegasus!

Oh, no, sir. No, no, no, no.

- How do we get out of here?
- Hey, you!

What you did to me really hurt.

Yeah. Sorry about that. How do we get out
of here without being seen?

Okay.

Left by the water fountain,
right by the fire exit,

then to the elevator at the end.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.

(GRUNTS)

Nice job, Bough.

BOUGH: Left, sir. Left!

(ENGLISH MUTTERING)

BOUGH: Sir, you can't go to
Sauvage's reception in this state.

The effect of the drug
has practically worn off, Bough.

I'm fline.

Schline. Uh, gline.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Monsieur.

Ah! Thank you.

(SHATTERS)

- Would you like another?
- Please.

Thank you.

(GROANS)

What in God's name?

Ah! Foreign Sebletarary.

Um...

(GROANS)

Ah!

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Shall we dance?

(INAUDIBLE)

(GROANS)

- Excuse me, sir?
- Yes, Bough?

I'm very sorry to interrupt. I need to...

Ah, Pascal, how nice to see you again.

- Enjoying the party?
- Splendid affair.

I was until I was informed
that your man English

and his curious boyfriend here
have spent the evening

breaking into my office
and assaulting my staff.

Is this true, Bough?

Well, we... We...

What in God's name do you think
you're up to?

- Well...
- Sir, if I could just offer...

Go home, Bough!

Now!

I gave you direct orders not to meddle
with Sauvage.

What do you do? You break into his office
and assault two of his staff.

Then you march in here,
loaded with God only knows what,

and insult the foreign secretary.

I haven't encountered such behaviour
in Whitehall in 30 years.

- But...
- There are no "buts," English.

You're off the case.
Your security clearance is hereby cancelled.

After a three-month leave of absence,
you will return at your old grade.

And I hope never to hear your name again.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

SAUVAGE: English has seen too much.

We go to plan B.

Get rid of the fake Archbishop
and green-light the visit to Her Majesty.

And then this pathetic country
can humiliate itself

by crowning me officially.

That's a letter of abdication
renouncing your claims to the throne

and the claims of your entire family.

Sign it.

Never.

(YELPS)

- (GUN COCKS)
- (WHIMPERS)

(DOG BARKS)

(RINGING)

- Yes?
- MAN: Prime Minister,

I'm sorry to call so late,
but I'm afraid the Queen has abdicated.

What?

Abdicated? But that's not possible.

I only wish that were true.

You know what, let me talk to her.
Maybe she just...

Pascal, she's gone.

Now, my people have spent the last 10 hours

trying to track down the rightful heir
to the throne

and they've come up with a name,
which they've double-checked.

Who is it?

- It's you.
- No!

(WHISTLING)

AN NOU NCER ON RADIO:
In the wake of the return of the Crown Jewels

to a police station in North London,

Pascal Sauvage has requested
that his coronation

take place this Thursday.

In the House, the prime minister said
he was looking forward to the ceremony

and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage
will make a fine king

and will bring all that is best

about modern Europe
to our ancient institution.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Get your car keys. We've got work to do.

Miss Campbell.

Sauvage is heading back
to his chateau in France.

And he's invited 13 of the richest
criminal masterminds in the world

to meet him there.

I'm sorry, Miss Campbell. I'm off the case.

It's been reassigned.

I know. Reassigned to me.

- Look, I want you with me, Johnny.
- Look, just leave me alone.

What are you gonna do?

Sit here in this grotty flat feeling sorry
for yourself?

Or are you gonna get out there
and save your country?

I'm gonna sit in the flat.

- (SIGHS) Johnny, this is ridiculous.
- I'm a spent force.

Spent, my ass.

(SOFTLY) Ow!

Will you please stop?

(GROANS)

I'll just be a minute.

It'll be nightfall in an hour.
Then we can strike out for the chateau.

The fact is, the moment Sauvage gets
that crown on his head,

he'll be able to do whatever he likes
with the country that I love,

and that is why you and I have got
to stop him.

- Relishing the thought?
- Something like that.

I suppose you've made love
to lots of women, haven't you, Johnny?

Um...

You know, one does one's best.

It's just...

Well, it's been three years
since my fiancé left me,

and since then, I haven't made love
to anyone.

But then I met you,

and I felt this hunger,

deep down inside.
I wanted to say things to you.

I wanted to do things to you

that I haven't wanted to do
in a very, very, very long time.

(GULPS)

What, uh...

What sort of things are we talking about?

Things like punching you in the face.

Things like kicking you in the backside

for being such a pompous,
know-nothing asshole.

But then I started to see beyond the idiot
that everybody else saw.

I started to see the man on the inside,

a man who was determined to do his duty,
no matter what or who lay in his way.

And I began to feel other things for him,

to wanna do other things for him.

Things...

Involving plastic toys and soft cheese?

- What? (SCOFFS)
- What? What?

(CHUCKLING) You're toying with me,
aren't you?

You're telling me to stop
in the gentlest way you know how.

No. No...

You're such a special person, Johnny,

not to take advantage of me
while I'm vulnerable.

- No. Well...
- So thank you for being such a gentleman.

(CHUCKLES)

Not at all.

I know what you're thinking, Miss Campbell.

You're thinking, "If we don't pull this off,
God knows what might happen to England."

Actually, I was thinking
there must be a better way in than that pipe.

Well, there isn't.

I've analysed it from every possible angle,
and this is the best option.

I'll go in first, and if there's a clear way
through, I'll call down. Okay?

Johnny.

- Be careful.
- I'm always careful.

Oh!

(GRUNTING)

(GAGGING)

(COUGHING)

(FARTING)

(TOILETS FLUSHING)

- (TAPPING ON GLASS)
- Gentlemen.

In a few hours' time,
I will become the next king of England.

(WHISPERS) No.

Ha! (COUGHING)

- How did you get here?
- Up the ladder.

Look, pull yourself together.
It's only a bit of poo.

(EXCLAIMING) It's cold! Oh! It's cold!

What is the one commodity
the world never seems to run out of?

Criminals, gentlemen.

- Lawbreakers.
- (ALL MURMURING)

Every nation in the world

struggles with the issue
of overcrowded prisons.

So, what do we do with all these villains?

Find the solution to that problem

and the governments of the world
would pay you through their nose.

Fortunately, I have found a solution.

We empty every prison on the entire planet,

we take the resulting tidal wave
of human scum

and we put it here.

(GASPING)

(MURMURING)

The moment I am crowned King,

I will turn England into the largest prison

in the history of the world.

210,000 square miles of prime real estate,

conveniently separated from true civilisation
by 20 miles of ocean

- and soon to be available...
- Come on.

...for the entire world
to dump its human waste in.

According to current projections,

we will not run out of prison space
for the next 500 years.

So, tonight, one, and only one, of you

will leave here owning 49% of this venture.

So that's his little game.
We must get hold of that DVD.

But how, Johnny? There's only two of us.

You're young, Miss Campbell,
and inexperienced.

What you seem to have forgotten is that

(ON SPEAKER) nobody knows we are here.

At our disposal,
we have the vital element of surprise.

(GROANS)

Now, my plan is simple but effective.

I shall drop from the gallery
at this end of the room

and take Sauvage prisoner.

You will then enter from the far door,

cutting off any means of escape.

Then, using Sauvage as a hostage,
we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?

(GUN COCKS)

Get 'em up, you French ponce.

But, Mr English, I'm gobsmacked!

What an unexpected surprise.

Surprises are very much my speciality,
Sauvage.

I think we've seen enough of this.

I know exactly what you're planning,
and I'm here to put a stop to it.

My bottom will be king of England
before you are.

Wrong again.

Perhaps you'd care to look behind you.

Oh, please.

(GUNS COCKING)

Lorna!

I'm sorry, Johnny.

Well, I'm afraid that we'll have
to conclude the floor show for tonight.

Not so fast, Sauvage.

You may have taken me,
but you'll never take England.

Not as long as I have breath in my body

or a bullet in my gun.

(CLICKS)

You know, Mr English,
I'm going to miss you. Really.

You're very entertaining. I thank you.

Take them away.

AN NOU NCER ON RADIO:
Good morning, everybody!

(GREETS IN FRENCH)

And welcome to The Breakfast Show.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

As the crowds are gathering here
for the crowning of our first French king

since the year 1066,

we ask you to call us here at London FM

with the top 10 things you most love
about the French.

We haven't had any calls yet, at all,

but the lines are still open
and I'll give you that number again.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

0-2-0-7...

(REPEATS NUMBER IN FRENCH)

This is not good, Johnny.

We've got to think of something.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Hop! Hop!

Hop! And hop! And stop!

Now, are you familiar

with the shaman throat warblers
of the Guatemalan delta?

What?

It has long been their belief

that a whistle pitched at the precise
resonant frequency of a metal lock

will vibrate the levers in such a way
that the door will simply swing open.

Unbelievable.

And kneel.

(GROANING)

Right. Here goes.

(WHISTLES IN ASCENDING TONE)

(SIGHS)

(PITCH INCREASES)

(SILENCE)

- I can't hear anything.
- I'm into ultrasonic.

(SILENCE)

Johnny, will you just stop all this
and face facts?

(BLOWS)

We've failed. The only thing
that can save us now is a miracle.

(RASPING)

(CLICKING)

It worked!

Oh!

Sir?

I don't know why you hauled yourself
up that dreadful poo tube, Bough,

when there's a perfectly good ladder right
beside it.

Now, Sauvage may have fooled the country

with his fake Archbishop
and his secret agenda,

but he hasn't fooled me.

So, here's the plan.

(GASPS)

(BAND PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHORUS SINGING)

(GROANS)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(SINGING STOPS)

Sirs, you are hereby called
to witness the anointing

of your one true lord and future king, Pascal.

Pascal, are you willing to take the oath?

I am willing.

Then be thou anointed with this holy oil.

And do you, the chosen bishops
of England, Scotland and Wales,

assent to this anointing?

For Scotland, I do.

For Wales, I do.

For England, I do not!

(ALL GASPING)

(MURMURING)

English!

That man must not be crowned King

because he is a fraudster, a charlatan
and a thief.

No, please. Let him speak.

It is this man, Pascal Sauvage,

who stole the Crown Jewels,

(ALL GASPING)

Who forced the Queen to abdicate

and would kill anyone who got in his way.

It is the end, Herr English.

(YELLS)

ENGLISH: He has cheated,
conned and manipulated

this great country for his own ends.

He's fooled you all!

What's more, this whole ceremony is a sham

because that man standing in front of you

is not the Archbishop of Canterbury.

(ALL GASP)

(MURMURING)

English, a word of advice. Don't go there.

Shut it, Frenchy.
I'll go wherever I damn well please.

- Now, take it off.
- What?

Your face is made of plastic.

Remove it at once.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Right. Well, I'll just have to remove it myself.

- Come on!
- (GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

(MUTTERING)

- Maybe it pulls up from the front.
- (GROANS)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Come on, will you!

(GRUNTING)

- (KICKS)
- (GROANING)

Thank you very much.

- Must be adjoined here somewhere.
- (CHOKING)

Fascinating performance as always,
Mr English,

but I'm afraid we must move on.

Nobody's moving anywhere
until I'm finished with this piece of low-life.

Do you or do you not

have tattooed on your bottom the words,

"Jesus is coming. Look busy"?

(ALL MURMURING)

Are you insane?

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Go on, over. Go on, let's have a look.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GASPING)

- (LAUGH INGRAUCOUSLY)
- Excellent!

All right, so I was wrong
about the Archbishop's bottom.

- But there's more.
- But not, I'm afraid, today.

Sergeant, please take this man away.

- But be gentle with him.
- ENGLISH: Do you think that's it?

What, do you think
I don't have more evidence?

My loyal subordinate is standing by
with a DVD

which shows Sauvage's hideous plans
for this country.

Get him out! Get him out of here!

- Play it, Bough! Play the disc!
- Play it! Now!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(LIP-SYNCHING) You're so hot, teasing me

So you're blue
But I can't take a chance on a chick like you

It's somethin' I couldn't do

Well, I could dance with you, honey
If you think it's funny

(LAUGHING)

Does your mother know that you're out?

And I could chat with you, baby
Flirt a little, maybe

(LIP-SYNCHING) Does your mother
know that you're out?

- Take it easy
- Take it easy

Better slow down, girl
That's no way to go

Does your mother know?

(MEN SHOUTING)

(MUTTERS IN FRENCH)

Well, shall we?

(SIGHS)

ARCH BISHOP:
Then, as Solomon was anointed King

by Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet,

so be thou anointed and consecrated King

over all the peoples

whom the Lord thy God

hath given thee to govern.

And of all your possessions,
wherever they may be.

And so, in the name of the Father

and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost,

I crown you...

(ALL GASPING)

(GROANS)

Damn it!

- Give it back!
- No!

- That is my crown!
- Never!

- Give it back!
- Never in a million years, Sauvage!

- Give it to me!
- Bugger off.

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

Give it back!

- Pascal!
- Shut up!

(ALL GASPING)

All this stupid little country have
to do is stand in line

and do what it's told for one miserable day!

But can it do that?

My fragrant French ass, it can!

Merde!

(EXCLAIMING)

- (FIRES)
- Ah!

Give it! The crown! The crown! Go!

- Ah!
- (SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

And so, in the name of the Father

and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost,

I crown you...

King.

What?

Arrest that man

and lock him away.

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (SINGING) God save the king!
Long live the king!

God save the king!

(INAUDIBLE)

(CHORUS CONTINUES SINGING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

QU EEN: Words can hardly express

just how much we appreciate
everything you've done.

Nothing more than my duty, ma'am.

And in return, is there anything
that your Queen and country can do for you?

Well,

since one is asking, ma'am...

AN NOU NCER ON RADIO: The headlines again.
In celebration of her return to the throne,

the Queen has declared August 5
a national holiday

and in a private ceremony,

has conferred a knighthood
on the unnamed Ml7 agent

responsible for foiling the plot
of the French businessman Pascal Sauvage.

Mr Sauvage is now awaiting trial
for high treason,

a crime which still carries the death penalty.

If found guilty, he's asked
that his brain be donated to medical science

to further research into the causes
of hypermanic schizophrenia.

Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent
has left the country

and has already embarked
on his next challenging mission.

LORNA: Sir Johnny English.

Her Majesty did seem very grateful.

She's not the only one.

(WHIRRING)

Mmm!

You are full of surprises.

(SCREAMING)

- Johnny!
- Oh...

One eye on the shadows
Protecting his fellows

From sunup to the moon on his back

Sendin' villains to Hades
A hit with the ladies

A stallion in the sack

You can't get your life back
when right follows left, jack

The more you see, the less you know

When others would leak it
His service is secret

Plays God when it's your time to go

Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous

When they made him, they broke the mould

So charismatic
With an automatic

Never prematurely shooting his load

Queen and country safe and sound
With villains six feet underground

And no one knows
'cause no one's found any trace

Of a man for all seasons
Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone

And you and I wouldn't have a clue
Who's doin' what, why, when and who

Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out for the man for all seasons

Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone
But safe at home

But safe at home
But safe at home

Queen and country safe and sound
With villains six feet underground

And no one knows
'cause no one's found any trace

Of a man for all seasons
Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone

And you and I wouldn't have a clue
Who's doin' what, why, when and who

Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out for the man for all seasons

Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone
But safe at home

Queen and country safe and sound
With villains six feet underground

And no one knows
'cause no one's found any trace

Of a man for all seasons
Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone

And you and I wouldn't have a clue
Who's doin' what, why, when and who

Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out for the man for all seasons

Loves 'em and leaves 'em alone

So alone
But safe at home

Oh, yeah

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