All language subtitles for tirdy.works.s01e08.hdtv.x264-w4f_track3_eng

Emma. How's it going?
I've seen you.

She's this big-time comic,
and maybe she could help me.

The business is
selling poop.

Yes. Right out
of the moose's butt.

Now, this,
instead of a Popsicle,

that's a Poopiscle,

otherwise known as
a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

I really think
there are people in Somerville

that would be interested in
getting in on the ground floor.

Maybe there are people out there
that believe enough

in the business
that they are willing to invest.

What is your plan to distribute
outside of the state of Maine?

I never thought of that.

Is there any way
you would be able to

take the [bleep] show
show on the road?

I would love to do that.

You know, when Emma mentioned
taking my act on the road,

I thought,
"What a great idea."

I've got this show
coming up in Pittsfield.

Me and the boys, we've been
fiddling with some music.

We're here at this audition
watching Big D and the Ticks,

and I didn't know
really what to expect.

Who's funding the tour?
Well...

Investing in someone that's as
scattered as Mary is right now

is a risk.

♪

That's all I wear.

I don't have any of those
tight little girl undies.

♪

Russ: In business,
the difference between

dreams and reality that Mary
really needs to focus on

is the effort that it takes,
that it's hard work.

You can dream all you want, but
until you roll up your sleeves

and really put the time in,
your dreams won't come true.

[ Eagle screeches ]

♪

Well,
it's a beautiful day out, huh?

Wicked.

Good day
to find some turds.

I think Dale was about 8 years
old when I first met him.

He was just the sweetest
little boy, you know,

and just as polite and nice
and always smiling.

I do love Dale, you know?

And I've just known the kid
for so long.

He's been a good kid,
he's a hard worker,

he tries,
and we just kind of bonded.

Look at that.
Hey, look at that.

That's not a big pile of dump,
but that's something.

It's something.
Better than nothing.

Yeah. Something else
has been kind of weighing

on my mind a little bit too.
I'm nervous about.

We got this big show
coming up in Pittsfield.

Mm-hmm.
I promised the town

that we would have
a variety show.

And the only thing
I have is comedy.

And I've got three
or four comics coming in,

but that's all I've got.

Anything from you guys?
Do you have any ideas?

A little part of the show would
be, like, stupid pet tricks

and people could bring up
a chicken on stage

or the dog or the cat.

Yeah, not only
is this a chance

to save the theater
in Pittsfield,

but this is a chance

for more revenue
for Tirdy Works business.

I'd kind of like to bring
some more stuff

to the show,
but I'm not sure.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about getting another act.

What do you think about music?
I love music.

Well, me and the boys,
we've been getting together

a little bit and playing
and fiddling with some music.

You play
kind of country?

It's like a country-ish
type of music, yeah.

And what do you do?
I'm the lead singer.

The name of my band
is Big D and the Ticks.

It's just a group of guys
that we get together

and have some fun
and make some music.

Maybe me and Deb at some point
before the show

could come down
and take a listen you know.

Me and the guys, we've been
waiting for our first show,

and this could really be
the first chance.

Yep, this is
a great opportunity.

The place is going to
be packed.

Pittsfield is a big deal,
and I want to hear them first.

I want to make sure
he's got what it takes.

I want to hear him
and his band.

I want to make sure
the song's appropriate too.

♪

[ Clock ticking ]

♪

A few weeks ago,
the Green Goddess

introduced me to Emma Willmann.

She's a big-time comic.

I always used to go
back and forth

with when I would say
I was gay on stage

because I wouldn't want to
make anyone uncomfortable.

But I make a point
to always do it

because I don't want any of
you guys sitting and wondering

if I'm an awkward-looking
straight girl,

you know what I mean?

Mary: There's a lot of pressure
on to change up my shtick.

The Pittsfield show
is right around the corner,

and I'm going to have to make up
a whole new routine before then,

plus memorize it.

Mary.
Oh, ouch. Sorry.

How are you?
Good to see.

Good seeing you too.
Long time no see.

Yeah.
I just hit that thing.

Mary's got this big show coming
up at the Pittsfield theater,

and I'm here to help her
make material for that show,

which is going to be tough
because we've got a lot to do

in a really short
amount of time.

And also,
to add to the pressure,

this show is supposed to
make the theater

not go out of business.

So there's a lot resting
on this show.

Don't feel self-conscious
or, like,

not that you would,
but it's a safe space,

as long as it doesn't
hurt kids or animals.

First animals,
then kids.

Oh, that's the set list
right now?

I know
that ain't right either.

Kids?
[Bleep] 'em.

So where at we at
with stuff?

I was going to gone on,
start in with my dingleberries,

then I was going to go to

my dingleberries
and my hairy balls.

When was the last time you had
a conversation with no turds?

I don't remember.
Wow.

My assignment for you is
find three or four concepts

that aren't poop.

You could talk
about bubbles,

you could talk about your
relationship with your wife,

you can talk about sex.

Alright, the sex
might be kind of sparse.

Then talk about that.

Right!

She's really fixated on poop.

I don't what
the underpinnings are there.

It's --

Even saying underpinnings
is making me think about poop.

Maybe I should talk
about Somerville first.

Yes.
Yes. Small town, very likable.

And talk about what a small town
does with inbreeding.

Right, there's got to be
other stuff beside inbreeding.

Have you gotten to any, like,
open mics or anything?
No.

Okay, so that's something
we should try to fix.
Open mics.

At some point, you're going to
want to take this out of Maine.

That would be fun
because I love people

that haven't heard it yet.
Exactly, and I was wondering

is there any way
you would be able to take the,

like, the [bleep] show
on the road?

I would love to do that.
If you had your product there

and they're watching you
present it,

then after the show
you can sell it.
Yeah.

You know, when Emma mentioned
taking my act on the road,

I thought,
"What a great idea."

A comedy tour could solve
my distribution problem.

But one step at a time.

You can't rush
into this [bleep]

And when I come back,
I'll watch you,

and I can take notes
and then we can workshop that.

Can I talk about
Chewbacca?

Sure.
Talk about his balls.

♪

Craig and I been together
a long time.

Too [bleep] long.

41 years.

Put the guts in it.

Is that even --

Natural. Natural.
Open your [bleep] eyes.

I did see her at a wedding
one time,

and then it just took off
from there.

For better or worse or whatever.

Well, you don't know
a [bleep] thing.

There ain't no battery
in it.

Well, put a battery in it.

Why, so you can
see it move?

Are you [bleep] stupid?
I already checked it.

I wouldn't say it was
love at first sight,

just being dumb at first sight.

I gave Tammi a ride
on my motorcycle.

I said, "I'm pregnant." He says,
"We're getting married."

[ Shotgun cocks ]
[ Angelic chorus ]

Back in the day, she had
a really good set of knockers.

That's what attracted me to her,
I guess, in the first place.

If I don't lose my temper,
it's gonna be a miracle.

I need a beer.

[ Growls ]

Breathe and wake up.

♪

♪

She's turned something really --
really kind of obscene

into something, I think,
that's very cool,

and I'm not alone.

I'm not alone.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪

-Writing bangers in here, huh?
-We're trying.

♪

Dale: Country music
does kind of give its own story,

and I typically like the songs

that have the same stories
as myself.

♪

They go right along with
how my life has been

since I was young to how --
16 years old now.

Country music is honest,

straightforward,
and to the point.

I mean, it makes me feel good
about myself.

I can actually sing country
music on top of it a little bit.

So I work with Mary.
She's doing a big show

to help save the theater
in Pittsfield,

a little ways north of us,

and it's kind of
like a variety show,

you know what I'm saying?

There's going to be
comedy and music.

If I had a dream for Dale,
it would be to succeed

in what he felt
that he wanted to do.

He's grown up
working in the woods,

running skitters and stuff,

and that was one of his
biggest dreams for a long time.

And the older he got,
the more he decided,

you know, "Maybe that's not
what I want to do."

I was like, "Hey, listen,
me and the guys, we're ready."

I mean, do we have it
or is it a maybe?

So here's the thing, we've got
to have an audition first.

And as long as we can crush it,
the gig's ours.

And it would be a good gig
for us to start out

because there's going to be
200-plus people there.

♪

♪

[ Clock ticking ]

Mary, you're going to have
to use your headset.

Sorry about that, but the other
one has a busted wire.

Tonight is a practice run
for the new material I wrote

for the Pittsfield show.

Can you hear me?
Hello.

-Whoo!
-Hello.

I want to talk about
my community, my family.

I want to talk
about my business.

My name is Mary, and this is
actually the very first time

I've ever done stand-up
standing in front of my table.

I've been getting coached
by Emma Willmann.

She's a big stand-up comic
from LA.

She said if I'm feeling
uncomfortable

just to bring [bleep] out
with me,

so what I did
that makes me feel better,

I got [bleep] in pocket.

I was a little bit nervous,
and, you know,

and actually broke a sweat,
and I usually never get sweaty.

I'm from Somerville.

I've been living there
for 20 years now.

When I moved into town,
we had two paved roads.

Right now, we're up to four.

We had a parade too.

We have a parade ever year.

They had four cars
and a fire truck.

Well, that ain't right.

We have three little kids,

they're smart,

but when they're bad,
they get just air.

I know that I missed
three or four things

that I should of mentioned
that I had in my notes

but I just --
there was just too much.

Emma thinks I could take my act
on tour to help Tirdy Works.

How am I supposed
to do a comedy tour

if I can't even get
one performance right?

I'm going to start in
with my turds a little bit.

Okay, so this a brand-new
product right here.

I tied a knot
and I stuck turds to it.

It's called "I Shit You Knot."

[ Laughter ]

See, that ain't right.

I just found out last week

that there's a 187 synonyms
for the word [bleep]

I mean, I've got all kinds
of material to work with.

That ain't right.

Mary's been falling back
on her turds.

It's her safety net.

I don't think Mary's ready to
take her show on the road yet.

It's a distraction
she doesn't need right now.

You guys have been great.
Thank you very much.

And I encourage you guys please
come to the Pittsfield theater.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This was not my strongest night
by a long shot.

[ Mumbles ]

The Pittsfield show
is right around the corner

so I'm scared about that
because I need to polish up

certain things and I need
to put in certain punch lines

in certain areas and stuff,

but I didn't get
to do it tonight

because it takes studying,

you know,
and practicing and stuff,

and I just hadn't
had time to do it.

♪

Live from Somerville,
this is "Talkin' Tirds,"

the show that cuts the crap

and asks the questions
you're too afraid to ask.

I'm Mary Winchenbach, and
tonight's guest is Delta Chase.

Delta likes
her hard lemonade,

and she's also the town manager
of Somerville, Maine.

Best town in all of Maine.

First, those curls.

My girls?

No, your curls.
Oh, my curls.

Yeah, you're looking
awful fluffy.

You got a dress on,
you got go-go boots.

Want to dance?

Not yet.
Maybe in a bit.

How would you describe
Somerville in three words?

Country, quiet,
and [bleep]

You've added a lot of that,
though.

Somerville was originally called
Patricktown Plantation.

Do you have any idea
what they were planting?

[ Laughs ]
I know what they plant now.

And what would that be?

Lots and lots of weed.

That's all the time we have on
this edition of "Talkin' Tirds."

I'm Mary Winchenbach reminding
all of you out there in America

to stand up,
be nice to one another,

and most importantly,
to give a crap.

♪

[ Clock ticking ]

♪

How are you feeling?
I'm nervous.
You know, we talked.

I've got to work
some new stuff in,

and I just kind of keep
going through my head

on how I'm going to do it.

I'm working on a routine
for this big show in Pittsfield,

and I've got
some new material

I'm trying to incorporate
into my routine,

so I've been talking
with Emma.

This is the last time
Emma gets to see me perform

live before the big show.

I'm going to talk about
hairy balls and penises

and everything else
for God sakes,

and how am I
going to get everything,

all my ducks in a row
and make it flow perfectly?

But you picked all those things
to talk about.

You know what I mean?
It's not like the Illuminati's

making you talk
about hairy balls.

Tonight I'm here to watch Mary
and take notes on her stand-up,

see where she's at,
see how much work

we have to do
before the big show.

Let's give a round of applause,
Mary Winchenbach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm hoping she's done
her homework.

Otherwise I'm going to look
like an idiot

because I've very publicly said

that I think
she's really onto something

and now
I'm going to look a moron.

Like he said my name's Mary,
and I'm from Somerville, Maine.

We have a population
of about 500 in Somerville,

and the thing is, we've got
this city council and stuff

and everyone on the council
has the last same name.

Apparently all the cousins
are all married to each other.

They're all cross-breeding.

I mean, what the hell?

Well, that ain't right.

I'm gay.
Up until two months ago,

I thought a man had one ball.

One ball and a penis.

Well, I found out
they've got two balls.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, I didn't know.

How does an old lesbian get
so infatuated with men's junk?

But about four weeks ago,
our neighbor come over,

and he had a tick
on his scrotum.

And he wanted us to remove it.

Some guys are infatuated
with boobs.

She's infatuated with the penis.

Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emma: What needs to happen
in Pittsfield

is she needs to wow
everybody to the point

that Pittsfield knows
they can draw on local talent

and put on an amazing show.

She needs to show "No,
we've got homegrown talent

that's really good,
starting with me."

Did you have fun?

Yeah, I did.
Okay, good.

I did.
I was a little uncomfortable

talking about
the Somerville stuff.

What do you think it was
that made you uncomfortable?

Was it because it was
new stuff or you just --

I was just thinking
in the back of my head

if they knew
what I was saying,

some of the people,
they might get pissed.

And there's a rule about
you want to punch up.

You want to
make fun of people

that are in a position
of privilege over you.

If you punch down,
then that's less likable.

If I'm rating Mary's
performance considering

what she had to work with,

what her assignments were,
all things considered,

I'd give her an eight.

If I didn't know
the whole back story

and I just saw her doing
the Tirdy Works presentation,

I'd give her a five.

You've got a good foundation
to work from

because you've got --
you know the turd stuff,

and some of those ones
get really big laughs

and think
what a good setup that is

to now go sell the turds.

After that, everyone
wants to touch the turds.
Right.

Mary: My comedy act
definitely needs improvement.

We'll think of
other stuff too

that you like talking about
as much.

Now my business,
my family, and my community

are all on the line.

I've got so much going on,
you know,

and it's hard just to keep track
of everything.

It's like who's on first
and what's on second,

and I don't even know
who's on third.

You want to
know a trick?

People say "Kuh" sounds
are funnier than other sounds.

"Kuh"?
Yeah, "kuh" is funnier
than "puh."

You've got all kinds of noises
coming out of you.

What the hell
does all that mean?
[ Vocalizes ] is funny.

[ Vocalizes ] is not funny.
Is that confusing?

♪

[ Clock ticking ]

-Yeah.
-I don't know.

Do you like that better
or do you like us going...

[ Strums guitar ]

Dale: I kind of like
the quick stop a lot better.

Quick stop?
That could be kind of cool.

As we're waiting to audition
for Mary and Deb,

I mean,
I'm feeling pretty good.

If we do get the gig,
it'll be a good chance for us

to perform for the first time
out in public.

Alright, are we going to run
through the whole song?

We'll run through
the whole song, yeah.
Alright.

I never knew
Dale was a singer.

♪

♪

Dale: ♪ Haven't seen her
for a long time ♪

♪ Can't make heads or tails ♪

♪ She said we'd been through
so much ♪

♪ Our bond could never fail ♪

♪ Now I'm cruisin' down
a back road ♪

♪ No time to kill ♪

♪ Heading off into the night ♪

♪ Hammerin' through
those hills ♪

Mary: You know, we're here
at this audition

watching Big D and the Ticks
for the first time,

and I didn't know
really what to expect.

♪

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪

Dale's been wrenching on cars

about ever since he could
pretty near walk.

Actually, kind of sounds like
a manifold leak.

The good thing is I can pull
my truck down to the garage

and pull it into the bay,
put it on the lift,

change the tires,
do whatever I need to do,

and it don't cost me the money

to have to take it
somewhere else.

Think I need a new coil,

'cause it just keeps skipping
every time it starts.

Everything's
tightened up.

Gramps is just one of them
supportive people, I guess.

He's straightforward
and to the point,

and he'll tell you how it is.

If you don't like it, you can...

go shove it.

That's a polite way to say it.

♪

♪

♪

Wow.
Holy crap, seriously.

Well, here's the thing,
did we get the gig?

I don't, Deb,
what do you think?
Yeah.

Alright, you guys got the gig,
definitely.

Sweet. That's what
I'm talking about.

Dale, that's amazing.

It really is.
I think your Gram would be

really, really, really proud
of you right now.

You know what?

♪

Far cry
from that little boy.

I'm amazed that he could
do that, you know?

And then I got to thinking
about his grandma

and thinking that she ought
to be up here

watching him,
you know, because she'd just --

she'd just be so happy
to see that.

I know, he growed up,
didn't he?

I mean, look at you out here
playing music.

It made Deb cry,
so, I mean, it went real good.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪

You guys dress so good.

Oh, it's just for you.

I have flannel on
tonight.

Well, we expect you
in flannel.

Well, I layer up,
you know in case

I have a hot flash,
I can peel.

I was kind of hoping
the investors

were going to kind of show up
at the pop-up event.

Make sure you post it
on your Facebook, okay?

These are each $20.

But they didn't.
#IGiveACrap.

People love it.

Emma's comedy tour idea
could be a way

to get the investors on board.

At this point,
it's worth a shot.

The last meeting that we had,
you gave me a bunch of feedback

on things that you thought
that I needed to do

to kind of, you know,
make the business successful.

I'm here with Delta tonight
because

I want to talk to the investors
about my comedy tour idea.

I think it's going to help get
the turds out all over the US.

People are going
to hear about it.

You guys might not know,

but I actually kind of
do stand-up comedy,

and I was introduced to a gal
from Blue Hill, Maine.

Her name's Emma Willmann,
but she's a big-time comic.

She asked me if maybe
I'd ever consider

taking my turds
on the road,

you know, and doing a comedy
tour on the road.

And it never occurred to me
to do that,

but I'm thinking, "Hm, maybe
that might be a good idea."

Just the word,
"the turds across America."

It's just...

How does that solve
the distribution problem

that we talked about
at Blueberry Fields?

You know, I can do
my stand-up comedy,

and then maybe I could have
a table set up in the lobby

with all of my turds
right there.

Deb could sit there
and sell the turds

because once I do my comedy,
people get excited.

We can have T-shirts
and dingleberries

and fecal people and the
whole -- the whole nine yards.

Mary has a lot of energy
and a lot of ideas,

and you can see the wheels are
going around in head nonstop.

All the time.
All the time.

But that causes
some problems.

It's going to
help Somerville

because
her product's going to grow

and there's going to be
jobs created,

and they've got to keep making
them while she's out there.

The very first thing
in business

is if you are out
marketing something,

you have to be able
to turn that product around.

And as it sits right now,

it doesn't seem like
that's possible.

Like, for starters
with their home,

they need to take
and convert that garage

as soon as they can
into a production,

manufacturing facility,
so to speak.

Well, if you're looking for
funding for a comedy tour,

where could we
see your comedy

or get a feel
for what it's like?

Well it's going to be
in Pittsfield, Maine,

at the theater.
-Really?

Maybe you guys could come and
watch me and see what you think.

I say let's do it.

Yeah, I agree.

Alright, excellent.

Investing in someone that's as
scattered as Mary is right now

is a risk.

Until she can rein that in

and get some people
around her

that'll keep her focused,
it's just not going to work.