All language subtitles for deadbeat.104.hdtv-lol

Sue: See? You were right.
That Pacalioglu guy

was there the day before your séance.

- I knew it!
- But there's more.

Right when they entered the gallery,

the camera stops recording.

That must have been when they
tampered the lights bulbs.

What else do we know about this guy?

It seems he's fashioned
himself a little ghost hut

out of an abandoned newsstand.

What are you scheming?

What's going on inside
that chubby brain of yours?

(Alarm buzzing)

Yes! Three hours without moving!

A new record! P.R. it all over the place.

To the victor go the spoils.

Oh, what...?

- Aah! Oh, God!
- Aah!

Hey, buddy. What are you supposed to be?

You're like a little blob creature?

- Chips.
- Kevin: No. No, no.

This is living people food.

- It won't take.
- Please?

Oh, cute. Okay, fine. Fine. Here.

Yay!

(Munching)

Whoa! How are you eating that?

Bye.

Oh! Hey, no!

Get back here, you little scamp!

Come on... Aw! I was eating those.

I don't believe that guy.

(Coughing): Oh, God!

Excuse me. Hi, there.

Oh, hi, there. Oh.

I thought these were classics.

But they're flaming hot.

(Coughing) Ooh!

Oh, God. Oh.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

Here we go. Ahem.

Under control. How can I help you?

Well, it says here that
you deal with ghosts.

Is that real or is that like a joke?

No, that's real. Why, is it funny?

No, no. And I know funny.

I'm Darcy Baldo. I own the
Big Apple Comedy Shack.

Oh, my God. That is my favorite
comedy club in New York.

All right! I've never seen the stand-up

but the chili cheeseburgers are fantastic.

Well, we have the same
chef as the Laugh Factory.

I know. Ha-ha!

Here's the deal. I think
my club is haunted.

Oh. The weirdness only happens

really late at night after I close down.

So I was wondering if you
could come by and maybe

- check it out?
- Yeah. I could swing that.

Oh, fantastic! Great.
You don't, by any chance,

charge extra for late-night gigs, do you?

I hadn't actually ever thought of that.

- Uh, good idea. Can I?
- Ah.

No. Just forget I mentioned that.

- Bad idea.
- Yeah.

- Forgotten.
- Great.

So I'll see you later tonight.

For what?

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Rock theme playing)

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Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

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(Upbeat theme playing)

Roofie: No, no, $50 to see.

- I'm giving you 45.
- Fifty.

- It's 45. Take it.
- (Groans)

Isn't that...?

That's my new client, Anal Bead.

- He loves dope.
- Oh.

(Muttering)

- How you doin', Pac?
- Good.

How's business?

Everything's great. Can't complain.

I have a gig tonight at a comedy club.

It's an all-night thing. I was
wondering if you have uppers.

Oh. So I'm assuming I'll
put this on your tab?

Yeah, or you could put it on my hand.

(Both chuckle)

Yo, just be careful with that stuff, man.

You know how you get.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Okay. All right, might as
well get comfortable, huh?

Sometimes these ghosts can take
their sweet-ass time showing up.

Know what I mean, know what
I mean, know what I mean?

So why don't we rap, huh? What's your name?

We covered that. It's Darcy, isn't it?

Is it Darcy, is it D'arcy?

- No, it's just Darcy.
- Just Darcy, all right.

What's your zodiac sign? Any
pets? What're their signs?

How many men have you slept with?

- Just lock up when you leave.
- Can do. Can do.

- Okay. All right.
- Eee!

Ugh!

(Imitating guitar solo)

Unh! Wow.

(Mellow theme playing)

(Voices chattering)

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, would
you please welcome to the stage,

Buddy Silvers.

- Ha-ha-ha! Hi.
- (Audience applauds)

Buddy: Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen. Thank you very much.

And thank you especially.

My wife was the romantic
one in our relationship.

I have to say she said,
"Buddy, listen to me.

"When we die, I want us
to come back us ghosts

and haunt the place where
we had our first date."

I said, "honey, I sold that car years ago."

(Audience laughs)

Buddy: We'll just do our
date, let me tell you.

I finally figured out the
secret to a happy marriage.

- One of you has to die, huh?
- (Laughing)

My wife wasn't much of a
cook, you know what I mean?

But she did have a tuna
casserole that was to die for.

I found out the hard way.

How do you think I got here?

Thank you very much. Thank you, everybody.

I'm Buddy Silvers. I will be here all week.

And the next week and the week after that.

- I'll be here for eternity.
- (Laughing)

Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Oh!

It's funny because it's true.

Oh-ho. Hey, thanks, Jim. Oh, yeah.

Hi, uh, Buddy?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you

but I wanted to come over and
tell you that that was really,

- really something.
- You kidding? The crowd was dead.

Thank you very much. (Laughs)

That guy never takes a break, huh?

So listen, do you mind if I sit down?

- Suit yourself.
- Thanks.

My name is Kevin Pacalioglu
and I'm actually a medium.

I'm here to help you move on.

You have to have something,
some unfinished business,

or you wouldn't be
trapped here every night.

- Trapped?
- Yeah.

Are you kidding? It's a great gig.

I'm only here every
night because I wanna be.

And besides, you know,

being a ghost is better
than what's waiting for me

on the other side of that
light, I'll tell you that.

- And what's that?
- My wife.

That wasn't a joke.

Seriously, she scares the hell out of me.

So you just don't want to move on?

I'm having the time of my afterlife here.

Darcy: So how did it go?

Your ghost is a former
comedian named Buddy Silvers.

He does this bit about his wife.

(Laughing): He's so good.

It's coming non-stop.

Yeah, I remember a Buddy Silvers.

He was a headliner up in the
Catskills back in the '60s.

Well, now he's a deadliner
here at your club.

First ghost I've ever met that
didn't want my help, though.

You're gonna figure out
something, though, right?

- No. Yes. Not. I will.
- No? Okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, do you have a plan?

Well, not totally. Uh, I have to go.

I left my newsstand open. I
think I have a blob problem.

(Chuckles)

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Oh, no! No, no, no! Get out of here!

Come on! Oh, look at this mess.

Oh, man! Like... thank you very much!

- Uh, Camomile White? Hi.
- Mm-hmm.

To whom do I owe

this extraordinary honor
and how much do I owe?

Save the idiot routine for your customers.

I know you were at the gallery
the day before the séance.

And I know you turned
off the security cameras.

And I'm assuming that's when you did

whatever you did to the light bulbs.

I don't presume to know
what any of that means.

Let's stop skirting around
the issue, shall we?

You tell me your trick
and I'll tell you mine.

Why don't we start with this newsstand?

- Oh, yeah. This old boy.
- Yeah.

Me and Roofie... my friend. We thought,

maybe it would help me drum
up a little more business.

It's just a silly little
idea but with some hard work

and a little luck, maybe I can
be the next Camomile White,

except, you know, for real.

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

Maybe.

Would you like to go out sometime?

That's not what I thought
you were gonna say.

You want to take my
number? Do you have a pen?

Yes.

Oh, I have this. Will this work?

- Sure. Hand.
- Okay.

Oh.

(Groaning) Call me...

when you want to...

aah!

Play. Okay.

Yeah? Call me.

Roofie: Why are you even going
out with this woman, man?

She caused you so much trouble.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

But if she's this incredibly mean to me

and I still wanna have sex with her,

that's gotta be true love, Roof.

Even if I'm wrong and I hate her,

I'm sure that I still
wanna have sex with her.

Okay. But one problem.

Camomile White is a woman
of expensive tastes.

How'd you expect to pay for this?

Ah, shart. I have to finish
this comedy club gig.

What's the problem?

It's this ghost comedian.
He just won't leave.

Okay, so why don't you get a ghost heckler?

No, Roofie. You don't understand

the level of comedic genius
I'm dealing with here.

This guy would destroy a heckler.

Hmm.

So, why don't you just find
the worst audience ever?

Drunk, rowdy, uninhibited idiots

who not only won't get his jokes,

but they want all the
attention on themselves.

(Chuckles)

Kevin: Ladies, nonstop prog.
Real bachelorette party.

Who wants to see a show?

Did somebody say they
want to see a show? Huh?

(Women cheering)

Hey, how are you doing out there?

(Screaming) Whoo!

What an attractive audience.
A battered women's shelter?

We're a bachelorette party!

Oh, bachelorette party, huh?

Who's the bride-to-be, huh?

Right here. Me. It's me.

You? Wow! You landed a husband?

What are you, rich?

All right. Marriage is
a terrific institution.

I myself, I only slept with
one woman for 25 years.

And then my wife found out.

(Kevin laughing)

Hey, hey. Heh-heh. All right!

You know what? Obviously, this...

this didn't work. Everyone out. Let's go.

Hey! This is my bachelorette party,

and we're not leaving until we see

- some hot damn man-flesh!
- (Women cheer)

Oh!

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. Ladies, ladies.

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

You're worse than my in-laws
at Thanksgiving dinner.

See me at Dangerfield's from now on.

I don't need this.

It actually worked. Huh!

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

Oh! Come on, who threw that? Was that you?

You're a troublemaker. I can see it.

- What the hell happened in here?
- Huh? Oh.

Uh, nothing. I had to bring in a few cats

to get rid of the mouse.

I don't know what you're talking
about, but you listen to me.

Mr. Tim Allen is performing here tonight

and he hates ghosts, okay?

If you don't fix this, you
are so not getting paid!

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no.

I need you to pay me because
I need the money for my date.

For my probably soulmate Camomile.

I don't care about your date!

The only thing I care about
right now is Tim Allen.

You fix whatever ghost
stuff is happening here.

- Yes.
- Fix it!

Okay.

(Women Chanting): Stripper!
Stripper! Stripper!

All right, ladies, you don't
have to go into the light,

but you can't stay here!

Ain't that right, officer Billy Club?

(Cheering)

(Kevin laughs)

Get this music on for you.

(Pop music playing)

All right!

Whoo-hoo!

(Women screaming)

Yeah, he's got a gun, look out!

Check out his gun, ladies!

(Women cheering)

Nice, right?

Whoa! Ha-ha!

- Show that junk!
- Show that junk!

Oh, they, uh, want you to show them

your, uh, member.

(Chuckles)

They? I mean me. I call me "they."

Oh, come on, buddy,
this isn't my first time

dancing for a bachelorette fetishist.

No, I'm telling you there's
a bachelorette party

going on right behind
you. Right behind you.

- Whoa!
- You're a little weirdo, huh?

I know. Yeah.

- There's girls right there.
- How come I can't see them?

Because they're all dead. They're all dead.

(Dramatic theme playing)

You sick prick!

Oh! Whoa, don't shoot! Don't shoot!

- Wait. Is that a prop gun?
- Uh...

It's just... it's just girls!
Officer Billy Club, come on!

Hey, where did the man-flesh go?

What kind of bachelorette party is this?

I don't know. Can't we just
drink some cosmopolitans

and play a game of pin
the dick on the donkey?

No! We got on that bus,
and we had a vision.

And that vision was of a
big, throbbing phallus.

And we are not going anywhere
until we see some male dick!

Okay, fine. You guys want to
see a dick and you'll leave?

Yeah! Please.

I said, you guys wanna see
some dick and you'll leave?

(All cheer)

All right, I'm gonna go
find the first guy I see,

bring him in here and
make you show his dick.

(Clothes ripping)

Ghost bride: Whoa.

Oh, it's so effing bright.

Oh, Sujita, do you think
they have brunch there?

Woman: Do you think we
need to make reservations?

Let's order two things so
we can have more variety.

(Sighs)

Ah!

You really wanna make this place look nice?

- Throw on some pants.
- Oh, no!

Are you kidding me?
What are you doing here?

What happened to Dangerfield's?

Nah, Kinison went long.

I got bumped. The jerk.

Oh.

Come on, I'm begging you.

Buddy, you gotta...
just go into your light.

It's not my fault that
your wife sucked so hard.

Hey, listen! My wife was a lot of things.

But she did not suck.

Sadly not even on my birthday.
But that's none your business.

I ought to knock your block off.

What are you talking about?

Your whole act is about
how horrible your wife was.

The act, it's jokes.

I wrote most of those things
before I even met her.

The truth is my wife was nothing like that.

My wife was...

she was, uh...

I can't remember. Wow!

I guess I've been doing
the "my wife" bit so long

I forgot what she was really like.

I think I really loved her.

If you really loved your wife,

why can't you figure out a way to do

- some nice material about her?
- Hold on.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
When I started dating my wife,

I was so poor...

Come on, help a specter out.

- How poor were you?
- Thank you.

I was so poor that I couldn't
even afford to buy her flowers.

So I stopped on the way
to her house one day,

at the empty lot, and I picked
up a bunch of dandelions.

Oh, she's no dummy.

She knew they were weeds

but she put 'em on a vase
full of water, just the same.

Just like they were a dozen roses.

She didn't want to hurt my feelings.

The point is I knew right at that moment

she was the one.

Well, what do you know. There's my light.

Thanks, Kevin.

Good luck.

(Light pops)

(Sighs)

Wasn't very funny.

All right, try it now.

Testes. Testes. One, two, three.

- Yes, good?
- Yeah, we're good.

I'm just not sure why
you're still doing this.

I mean, you met him.
Doesn't he seem harmless

and a little sweet, in
a simple kind of way?

He's not harmless, Sue.

He's probably the greatest
con artist of all time.

I tried to reason with him medium to medium

and he basically threatened me,

saying he intended to become
the next Camomile White.

Well, not on my watch.

So you're just taking out

a little insurance policy?

All I need to do is get
him to say the magic words.

You look really pretty tonight.

(Knocking on door)

Of course.

Hi!

Thank you.

Oh, I got these for you.

I picked them, actually.
They're beautiful dandelions.

I know they're not actually flowers

- but a friend of mine told me...
- Thank you. They're lovely.

- They mean more than...
- I'll put them in some water.

- Thank you.
- Okay, great. Yeah.

Wowee!

So many nice things. Uh...

so I was thinking that tonight,

maybe we could just go to
the Big Apple Comedy Club.

Two drink minimum but I happen
to know the owner, so...

You know, I was thinking
that we could just stay in.

I mean, you're clearly into me,

and I'm clearly into you.

Phew.

So let's stop dancing around our feelings

- and let's just (Bleep)
- Oh!

- Whoa! Oh, just a heads up.
- Yeah.

There's no button on these pants.

So you don't have to do anything.

There's an elastic all the way around.

- Perfect.
- It is, right?

I just need to know something first.

Are you seeing any other women?

Yeah, I'm seeing some girls.

I'm kidding. I don't know why I said that.

Nope. I was being hard to get.

Well, good. Because I
don't want to share you.

Good. Trust me, I am not seeing
any other women right now.

Well, are you seeing any ghosts right now?

- No.
- What about recently?

- You seen any ghost recently?
- Uh, no.

I have never seen a ghost.

I don't even know how that would work

if I'm being totally honest.

Very good, Mr. Packalockloogie.

Oh. Uh, close. Mr. Pacalioglu.

At least I think it is.
I've never met my parents.

- I'm an orphan.
- Right.

What happened? Are you okay?

Is my boner too big?

- No.
- Okay.

I've suddenly got a splitting
headache. You better go.

Well, you can take something for that.

I got pills. I could give you one of those.

I'm sure one would be good for headache.

This headache won't go away
for as long as you're here.

- Oh, it's one of those.
- Yeah, you better go.

I've been around a few of those.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, but, Ms. White?
- Yeah?

I would just like to say
that I had the time...

- Me too.
- No, uh...

Oh, my God. How did it go? It sounded good.

Perfect. We've got lots of work to do.

(Camomile on recording):
What about recently?

Have you seen any ghosts recently?

Kevin: No. I have never seen a ghost.

I don't even know how that would work

- if I'm being totally honest.
- Got him.

(Mellow theme playing)

Seriously, what the heck
are you supposed to be?

- I don't know.
- Women, huh?

- Yeah.
- Love is hard.

(Sighs)

So what, you need a place to stay, buddy?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Okay, buddy, come on home with me.

(Babbling)

More chips, please.

(Mellow theme playing)

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