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- James you're fired.
- Yes sir.
4
00:01:09,858 --> 00:01:11,287
- Screw off.
- Yes sir.
5
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,669
Well, well, well, hello!
6
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,282
Well, well, well
George, how are you today?
7
00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:37,680
Glad to see you Harry.
8
00:01:37,752 --> 00:01:38,808
I'm glad to see you sir.
9
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,978
Glad to see you on the
job, bright and early.
10
00:01:41,941 --> 00:01:43,938
- Have to work you know.
- Oh yes.
11
00:01:44,467 --> 00:01:46,027
It's a nice day isn't it Harry?
12
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:48,175
Yes, George, I think
it's a very nice day.
13
00:01:48,222 --> 00:01:49,919
I just think it's lovely today.
14
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:52,167
You know, I would, eh...
15
00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:56,543
Looks like it's going
to rain a bit Harry.
16
00:01:58,605 --> 00:02:01,455
Oh, what's the matter
Mary, you don't look good.
17
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,695
- Oh, I feel terrible.
- Aww.
18
00:02:03,928 --> 00:02:06,777
My boss told me today that if
I didn't kiss him, he'd fire me.
19
00:02:06,979 --> 00:02:08,808
A girl hasn't got
a chance at all.
20
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,195
Oh don't be silly,
you have two chances.
21
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,760
Either you kiss him
or you don't kiss him.
22
00:02:13,895 --> 00:02:15,631
I know, but what
if I don't kiss him?
23
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:18,473
Well, you still
have two chances.
24
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,327
Either you get fired
or you don't get fired.
25
00:02:21,490 --> 00:02:23,460
Well, what if I get fired?
26
00:02:23,609 --> 00:02:26,260
Well, uh, well you
still have two chances.
27
00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:28,349
Either you starve
or you don't starve.
28
00:02:28,513 --> 00:02:30,336
Alright, but what if I starve?
29
00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:33,260
Well, uh, you still
have two chances.
30
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:35,760
Either you die or you don't die.
31
00:02:35,986 --> 00:02:38,964
- Well, what if I die?
- You still have two chances.
32
00:02:39,099 --> 00:02:42,610
Either you go to heaven, or you,
oh well you better kiss your boss.
33
00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:45,460
Well I never heard of anything
so foolish in my whole life.
34
00:02:45,535 --> 00:02:46,664
Aww, well you're silly.
35
00:02:46,889 --> 00:02:49,025
- What's the matter Harry?
- Well you don't look good.
36
00:02:49,106 --> 00:02:50,929
Well, I lost quite a
bit of money at bridge.
37
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,489
- Bridge?
- Huh, never lose.
38
00:02:52,770 --> 00:02:54,530
That's because you
haven't got a system.
39
00:02:54,589 --> 00:02:56,584
With me, everything
has a system.
40
00:02:56,725 --> 00:02:59,051
Never lose money in
bridge, a system.
41
00:02:59,259 --> 00:03:01,603
Never lose money
in poker, a system.
42
00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:03,582
Any kind of a card
game, a system.
43
00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:07,463
Even a horse has a system,
you know Harry.
44
00:03:07,706 --> 00:03:10,293
Eat the right kind of food,
never get sick, a system.
45
00:03:10,492 --> 00:03:13,938
Eh, flirt with women, never
get my face slapped, a system.
46
00:03:14,092 --> 00:03:16,419
My whole live consists of,
everything is a system.
47
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,886
Yeah? Say that's alright.
Tell me one of them will ya?
48
00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:20,023
Which one?
49
00:03:20,064 --> 00:03:22,046
Well, the one about
flirting with the girls.
50
00:03:22,159 --> 00:03:23,617
- Flirting with the girls.
- Yeah.
51
00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:25,857
Well, the first thing
you do, you pick out a name
52
00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:29,806
that no girl in the world has,
let's say, Mamie Dittenfest.
53
00:03:30,224 --> 00:03:32,551
A girl passes, you tip your
hat, you say, I beg your
54
00:03:32,592 --> 00:03:34,452
pardon, is your name
Mamie Dittenfest?
55
00:03:34,563 --> 00:03:35,919
And she says no.
56
00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,652
You say you look like Mamie,
she says I'm not Mamie,
57
00:03:38,747 --> 00:03:41,153
and the first thing you know,
the girl takes you out to eat.
58
00:03:41,194 --> 00:03:42,201
It's a cinch.
59
00:03:42,242 --> 00:03:43,547
Say, that's an idea, George,
60
00:03:43,588 --> 00:03:45,699
oh by the way here comes
a pretty girl now, let's try it.
61
00:03:45,739 --> 00:03:46,802
- Want to try it?
- Yeah.
62
00:03:46,845 --> 00:03:47,845
Alright.
63
00:03:54,291 --> 00:03:57,168
I beg your pardon, is your
name Mamie Dittenfest?
64
00:03:57,292 --> 00:03:58,913
- Yes!
- It is?
65
00:03:59,015 --> 00:04:00,397
Well, uh I'll see ya later.
66
00:04:00,438 --> 00:04:01,586
Well, I'll see ya later.
67
00:04:01,627 --> 00:04:03,511
Oh now wait just a minute,
aren't you the fella,
68
00:04:03,552 --> 00:04:05,646
who took me into a restaurant
to eat, and aren't you
69
00:04:05,687 --> 00:04:07,846
the fella paid the $2.00 bill?
70
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:10,119
Well when I left that
restaurant I found $10.00
71
00:04:10,159 --> 00:04:11,838
missing out of my handbag.
72
00:04:11,907 --> 00:04:14,952
I'm not saying you took the money,
but I wish you'd pay me back.
73
00:04:15,058 --> 00:04:17,497
Well look, just a minute,
you have the details all wrong.
74
00:04:17,622 --> 00:04:20,076
The first place, it wasn't a
restaurant it was a cafeteria.
75
00:04:20,161 --> 00:04:22,232
Second place the check
wasn't $2.00 it was $1.00,
76
00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:24,119
and the third place, you
didn't have $10.00 in your
77
00:04:24,159 --> 00:04:25,516
handbag, you only had five.
78
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,515
- I had ten!
- Then you owe me five.
79
00:04:27,610 --> 00:04:29,050
Ohhh well, so long.
80
00:04:29,091 --> 00:04:31,342
So, look, I tell you what
if you wait a little while,
81
00:04:31,383 --> 00:04:33,043
I'll take you home in my car.
82
00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:35,651
You know when any goof
ever asks me where
83
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,610
I live I always tell him
I live in the country.
84
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:39,696
- Oh where do you live?
- In the country.
85
00:04:41,021 --> 00:04:42,308
- Well so long.
- So long.
86
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:43,541
Where are you going now?
87
00:04:43,582 --> 00:04:45,602
Well I'm going over
to my sister's home.
88
00:04:45,643 --> 00:04:47,146
That's funny, you
know where I was going?
89
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:48,585
- No.
- My brother's home.
90
00:04:48,626 --> 00:04:50,576
Now look, when you get
to your sister's home, you
91
00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:52,178
phone my brother's home.
92
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,302
Yeah, my sister hasn't got a phone.
93
00:04:54,343 --> 00:04:56,295
That's funny,
my brother hasn't got a home.
94
00:04:56,336 --> 00:04:58,356
Oh, you're silly.
95
00:04:58,583 --> 00:05:00,016
- Well so long.
- So long.
96
00:05:00,109 --> 00:05:02,667
- So long.
- So long.
97
00:05:02,832 --> 00:05:04,159
Oh, you're silly.
98
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,521
- Alright I'll be silly then be dizzy.
- Yeah, well I know I'm dizzy.
99
00:05:07,562 --> 00:05:10,734
That's why you, I like you because
you're a nice little dizzy girl.
100
00:05:10,807 --> 00:05:12,700
Yeah I know I'm dizzy,
I'm glad I'm dizzy.
101
00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:14,885
You're the only dizzy
girl that I know that's
102
00:05:14,925 --> 00:05:16,127
glad she's dizzy.
103
00:05:16,168 --> 00:05:18,672
Yeah, I'm glad I'm a
dizzy girl because boys like
104
00:05:18,713 --> 00:05:20,309
dizzy girls and I like boys.
105
00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:22,349
Well I'm glad it's over,
I'm glad it's finished.
106
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,456
- I'm glad I'm dizzy.
- I'm glad you're dizzy.
107
00:05:24,512 --> 00:05:25,906
I'm very glad I'm dizzy.
108
00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:27,997
I'm very glad that
you're glad you're dizzy.
109
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,313
Oh I'm very glad you're
glad I'm glad I'm dizzy.
110
00:05:30,379 --> 00:05:32,906
Oh let's look let's forget
the whole thing, let's
111
00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:35,174
talk of some-say there's
the peanut vendor.
112
00:05:35,292 --> 00:05:38,145
Oh that's not the peanut
vendor, it goes like this...
113
00:05:41,165 --> 00:05:43,232
That, that's Marquita.
114
00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:44,918
Oh, certainly a surprise to me.
115
00:05:44,984 --> 00:05:46,478
I'll buy ya some peanuts.
116
00:05:47,338 --> 00:05:48,338
Thanks.
117
00:05:48,455 --> 00:05:50,481
Well, there you are,
there's some peanuts for ya.
118
00:05:50,608 --> 00:05:52,174
Alright, thank you.
119
00:05:53,883 --> 00:05:55,910
Well what are you
giving the baby, the baby
120
00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:57,763
is crying why are you
giving it peanuts?
121
00:05:57,804 --> 00:05:59,985
Well I don't know why it
should cry, I like peanuts.
122
00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:02,084
You like peanuts, that's
no way to stop the baby,
123
00:06:02,125 --> 00:06:03,685
I'll show you how to stop
the baby from crying.
124
00:06:03,725 --> 00:06:04,638
Yeah how?
125
00:06:04,679 --> 00:06:06,118
Well just watch
me I'll show you.
126
00:06:06,168 --> 00:06:08,955
- What are you gonna do with that?
- Well, will you leave this to me?
127
00:06:08,996 --> 00:06:10,112
Yeah but.
128
00:06:10,173 --> 00:06:12,175
I haven't done it in years,
now let me see, that's
129
00:06:12,260 --> 00:06:14,247
once over and then this way.
130
00:06:14,323 --> 00:06:15,483
That's not the way.
131
00:06:15,559 --> 00:06:16,600
It isn't is it?
132
00:06:16,666 --> 00:06:20,055
I'll just, now there, and
then up and then you turn it
133
00:06:20,096 --> 00:06:22,772
over and then, there it is,
now you take your hat off
134
00:06:22,813 --> 00:06:24,924
and you put it on
and you're a clown.
135
00:06:25,837 --> 00:06:27,937
Well there you are,
see how it's done?
136
00:06:27,978 --> 00:06:28,651
Yeah.
137
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:30,085
I bet you were a cute baby.
138
00:06:30,174 --> 00:06:32,279
Well I'll tell you something
that might surprise you,
139
00:06:32,338 --> 00:06:34,551
when I was a baby
I was very young.
140
00:06:34,837 --> 00:06:35,940
- Is that so?
- Yes.
141
00:06:35,981 --> 00:06:37,511
- Well look.
- What's that?
142
00:06:37,612 --> 00:06:39,169
- Surprise.
- Oh.
143
00:06:40,778 --> 00:06:43,277
You know I haven't been in
Buffalo since I was a baby.
144
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,606
- Is that so?
- No.
145
00:06:44,647 --> 00:06:47,140
You know a very funny thing
happened to my mother in Buffalo?
146
00:06:47,228 --> 00:06:50,004
Oh yeah, I thought you
were born in Detroit.
147
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,593
In Detroit, say, what
street were you born on?
148
00:06:53,738 --> 00:06:55,952
I wasn't born in the street,
I was born in a hospital.
149
00:06:56,272 --> 00:06:57,740
- In the hospital?
- Yeah.
150
00:06:57,813 --> 00:06:59,155
What's the matter were you sick?
151
00:06:59,196 --> 00:07:02,251
Oh me sick, oh no,
I wanted to be near my mother.
152
00:07:02,514 --> 00:07:04,626
Near your mother,
that's very good.
153
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:06,719
- So how old is this baby?
- Oh six months.
154
00:07:07,097 --> 00:07:08,097
Six months?
155
00:07:08,738 --> 00:07:10,208
Looks like six years.
156
00:07:10,249 --> 00:07:12,219
Yeah well you see
the baby worries a lot.
157
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:14,601
- The baby worries?
- Yeah!
158
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,667
What does a little baby
like that got to worry about?
159
00:07:16,707 --> 00:07:18,501
Well he worries over
his mother and father,
160
00:07:18,542 --> 00:07:20,503
you see they're always fighting.
161
00:07:20,544 --> 00:07:22,585
The mother insists that the
baby looks like the father
162
00:07:22,625 --> 00:07:25,053
and the father insists that
the baby looks like mother
163
00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:26,939
and the baby's worried
because it doesn't want to
164
00:07:26,979 --> 00:07:28,475
look like either one of them.
165
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,219
Come, let's get some peanuts.
166
00:07:30,259 --> 00:07:31,485
Oh I don't want any more.
167
00:07:31,525 --> 00:07:34,052
- Double order please.
- Oh I couldn't have any more.
168
00:07:34,127 --> 00:07:36,271
Well go on, just have it and
169
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:37,862
I'll save this for you later.
170
00:07:40,522 --> 00:07:43,182
Oh there goes that baby again.
171
00:07:43,413 --> 00:07:45,691
Oh I know what it
is, it's feeding time.
172
00:07:46,338 --> 00:07:48,685
- Right temperature?
- Yeah, that's the right temperature.
173
00:07:48,726 --> 00:07:49,832
So the baby likes milk.
174
00:07:49,873 --> 00:07:51,971
- Yeah it's funny, I don't like milk.
- You don't like milk?
175
00:07:52,011 --> 00:07:53,409
- I like peanuts.
- You like peanuts.
176
00:07:53,449 --> 00:07:56,073
Yeah, certainly is a
small world isn't it?
177
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:57,853
I think so.
178
00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,751
Say oh,
I can't go any further than this.
179
00:07:59,792 --> 00:08:01,785
- Well let's turn around.
- We've gotta go around.
180
00:08:01,825 --> 00:08:03,685
You turn around first
and I'll turn around.
181
00:08:03,725 --> 00:08:05,319
Do you come out every day?
182
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:07,705
- Oh yes, every day.
- Do you really?
183
00:08:08,461 --> 00:08:10,233
I think that's nice.
184
00:08:10,325 --> 00:08:11,352
Hello Mary!
185
00:08:11,461 --> 00:08:12,861
Oh hello Harry!
186
00:08:14,359 --> 00:08:17,046
Oh uh, system is
great, much obliged.
187
00:08:17,136 --> 00:08:18,790
Oh, don't mention it Harry.
188
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:23,869
My wife!
189
00:08:25,535 --> 00:08:27,035
Come on home Mary.
190
00:08:30,456 --> 00:08:31,543
Thanks for the system.
191
00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:34,016
Oh don't mention it,
it always works you know.
192
00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:37,328
- Well I guess the system was bad.
- Yes.
193
00:08:37,369 --> 00:08:38,949
So what does your
boss do for a living?
194
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:40,598
Well my brother's a detective.
195
00:08:40,639 --> 00:08:41,805
Your brother's a detective?
196
00:08:41,846 --> 00:08:44,062
Yeah he went out on a job
last week, a murder case
197
00:08:44,103 --> 00:08:45,752
and he got his man
within an hour.
198
00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,494
- Who the murderer?
- No, the man who was killed.
199
00:08:48,773 --> 00:08:51,640
Well look, let's sit down
and talk about your brother,
200
00:08:51,709 --> 00:08:52,912
I'll bet he's interesting.
201
00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:55,468
Oh, interesting,
well wait til I tell you this.
202
00:08:55,689 --> 00:08:57,818
Last week he caught a
bootlegger sellin' liquor and
203
00:08:57,859 --> 00:08:59,084
what do you think he did?
204
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:02,760
- Gave him $9 a quart.
- Yeah and the liquor was bad too.
205
00:09:02,784 --> 00:09:03,654
Was cut yeah?
206
00:09:03,695 --> 00:09:05,750
Yeah, and I'll tell
you something else.
207
00:09:05,792 --> 00:09:08,011
You know Mr. and Mrs. Jones,
my brother's neighbors
208
00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:09,583
are having matrimonial troubles.
209
00:09:09,624 --> 00:09:10,688
Yes tell me.
210
00:09:10,729 --> 00:09:14,031
Yeah so Mr. Jones hired my
brother to watch Mrs. Jones,
211
00:09:14,098 --> 00:09:16,361
so he's been watching her
now for about two months.
212
00:09:16,402 --> 00:09:19,298
- Well what happened?
- Well, she finally got a divorce.
213
00:09:19,779 --> 00:09:22,263
- Mrs. Jones.
- No, my brother's wife.
214
00:09:23,260 --> 00:09:24,680
- Your brother's wife!
- Yeah.
215
00:09:24,721 --> 00:09:26,405
Well, what's your
brother's wife doing now?
216
00:09:26,472 --> 00:09:28,571
Well, she married Mr. Jones.
217
00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,278
Boy you're dizzy I mean I...
218
00:09:31,319 --> 00:09:33,214
Oh well I know I'm
dizzy, I'm glad I'm dizzy.
219
00:09:33,255 --> 00:09:36,727
Now wait a minute, you're
not going to start that again.
220
00:09:37,005 --> 00:09:39,045
What do I look like,
do I look like a fool?
221
00:09:39,116 --> 00:09:41,502
Oh George, you're self-conscious.
222
00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:44,363
- Say, that's pretty cute.
- You like it?
223
00:09:44,485 --> 00:09:47,094
- I'm going to give you a little kiss.
- Oh well you better not!
224
00:09:47,135 --> 00:09:48,188
You see this?
225
00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:51,730
That's a policeman's whistle, that's
if fellas get fresh or try to kiss me
226
00:09:51,771 --> 00:09:53,378
I blow that and the
policeman comes.
227
00:09:53,436 --> 00:09:55,449
- And the policeman comes?
- Yeah.
228
00:09:55,684 --> 00:09:57,179
Well go on and call the policeman.
229
00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:59,998
Well you're pretty lucky
it's broken from last night.
230
00:10:00,693 --> 00:10:02,910
I'll bet I'm the first
fella that every kissed you.
231
00:10:02,951 --> 00:10:04,705
- Oh you are.
- I believe it too.
232
00:10:04,746 --> 00:10:07,183
Yeah and you're the first
fella that ever believed it too.
233
00:10:07,439 --> 00:10:09,524
- Say, that's good too.
- You like that too.
234
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,569
- I'm gonna give you another kiss.
- Yeah if you do I'll slap your face.
235
00:10:13,599 --> 00:10:15,582
And that goes for me too.
17201
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