All language subtitles for I Was Montys Double 1958 BigJ0554 eng 25_06

Make her fast, boy.

Here you are, son.

VOICE ON TANNOY:
'Will personnel arriving on
the 8.22 from Salisbury

'report to the RCO
for onward routeing.'

'Consolidated Industries.
Good morning.'

Personnel Manager, Export, please.
'What is your inquiry, sir?'
An insurance problem.'One moment.'

Harvey, we expected you
last night.The ferry was late.

I'll be a bit longer.
Someone's tailing me.

Oh, he's a new boy;
just learning the trade.What?

He picked you up as soon as you
landed. Don't hang around now.
This will cost you a large drink!

They're rationed. We're at war (!)
CLICK...

Sorry!
Must've tripped over your cloak!

Well, how about this for a...?

Catch!..What?
I HAD run out as a matter of fact!

I do think about you
while I'm away.

Expected you last night.
Don't overdo the welcome home (!)

Why did you have me tailed?
Oh, just policy.

Wanted to make sure you came
straight here.Oh... Where's Peggy?

Who?Peggy! The one who was outside
before I left. All seamless legs!
Well...

I don't keep track of 'em.

I've had about 4 since she went.
You mean she's gone!?

Listen, you said you'd keep her!

She had some sort of reason for
wanting to go. Can't remember what.

Where? I want to
make the most of this leave!
Mm... It's cancelled.

What is?Your leave.

Listen, I know you're the Colonel,
but I've got it due to me.
I know, but it's still cancelled.

Filthy taste...What do you mean,
cancelled? I need you here.

Oh, I see!
Why didn't you say so before!?

That makes all the difference (!)

Don't give me the mystery routine.
I've just had a belly-full of that!

No mystery. They tell me; I pass
the buck.Is this on the level?

..Hmm...

Well, I'm not doing another drop!
Nobody said you were!Just in case.

This one calls for brains.
You weren't the obvious choice.
No, of course.

I like to surround myself
with lesser talents!You basket!

Admitted.

I'm glad you're back in one piece.

..One of these days,
I'm going to try that. What?

Always fancied myself as an author.

You see the uncensored version in
the men's room.

It's nearer than our anonymous
friends think. How near?

I see. Is this new job connected
with it...directly, I mean?

I'll tell you how directly...

There we are... And there,
in due course, we undoubtedly go.

Can we persuade the Germans that
we MIGHT do something different?

Here? No...
Here? Bloody fools if we did.

Here? Possibility. We could mount
an invasion from North Africa.

Agreed?Mmm... I suppose so.

You're supposed to say yes.

So that's the seed of suspicion,
to be planted in Berlin. Yes.

Well, there's the problem.

War Cabinet gave it to Deception
who wisely threw it under the table
to Intelligence. Us to be exact.

They aren't serious?
Yes. They wanted it yesterday.

But how do you kid the Germans
where we're going? They know!

They don't know the details,
but it's got to here, here or here!

Course, we could sneak up on them
from Tibet(!)Good point!
May I make notes(?)

Hey! Put that light out!

Right, let's go back
to the beginning.

The Germans know we're going to
invade this year, right?Right.

They know we'll go to any lengths
to conceal details of the invasion.

Right. Therefore...The Germans
will expect us to try to fool them.

Who are you ringing?
I'm trying to trace Peggy.Peggy?

Don't go through all that again!
Do you mind?Hello? Hello, Peggy?

Oh, I see. The theatre?

Do you know the name of the show?

"Khaki Kapers"...
Yes, sounds great!

I see. Thanks SO much.
Sorry to have troubled you. 'Bye.

So...we've got two choices -

we either fool the Germans
with something so big, so real
that it even confuses Eisenhower -

or something trivial that might
have been overlooked in the heat
of the moment.Yes, I follow you.

Well, I don't know where to.
I've another problem to solve.

I'll join you. I'm a bit peckish.

With all due respect, sir...
NO, you will not!

I'll give you two good reasons:

you're too old and the wrong sex!
DOOR CLOSES

Through there, sir.

BAND PLAYS

(Excuse me.)

HARVEY WHISTLES

(Peggy!)

(Wrap up, can't you?)

Peggy!

(Fine!)
What did you say?

I didn't say anything,
darling!

MUSIC ENDS

Attention, ladies and gentlemen!
A very special visitor has arrived
and would like to say a few words.

Take a powder(!) I just took one.

LOUD CHEERS

CROWD GASPS

MAN SNORES

Officers only.
Anyway, we're full up.

I booked earlier. Major Harvey.
What number?528.

Harvey... Too late for a meal,
of course(?)

Kitchen closed at 10 o'clock.
A drink?Bar closed at 10.30.

You haven't got an evening paper?
You have to order one.Thanks.

Do you want it to read?
That was the idea.

You can borrow mine
if I get it back.

Thanks, I'll take good care of it.
Not that it's worth reading.
Believe anything, some people.

Thanks.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

I'm sorry about the noise.
Yes, so am I.

Well, aren't you going to
ask me in? Help yourself.Thanks.

What's the time?Oh, it's not late.

AIR RAID SIREN WAILS
Just as well. You don't want to die
in bed, do you?

Mind the blackout!Oh, sorry.

CLATTER
Damn!

All right.

Look, I want to ask you a question.

Well? Who is certain to command
our land forces in the invasion?
What...?

Stay with it. Who would you say?
I'd guess at Montgomery.

Here. That's it - Monty!

Now, a Commanding General would
have to be with his forces
on the eve of the said invasion.

So if Monty was in the Med, say,
just before D-Day,

what would the Germans think? What?
That the invasion was going in
there? Perhaps.

If we produced Montgomery
in the Middle East, and made sure
the Germans knew it,

there's a chance they'd buy it.
That's a big if.Listen...

I, er... I saw Monty tonight.

What?!Oh, not officially.
I went to the theatre.

Monty appeared on the stage -
big reaction, audience went wild.

Or at least, somebody so like Monty
that he fooled me and 1,200 others.

Do you see?Give it to me again.

If this character can be made
to give a repeat performance
on a bigger scale,

we might be in business. Who is he?
I don't know! We can trace him.

Who's our Public Relations contact?
Old Dick Coppard. He'll find out.

Discreetly?He invented the word!

Well, that's it, then.

We'll get onto it
first thing in the morning.

Was it worth waking you up for?
I hate to admit it,
but I think it was.

It's not so much whether this chap
can look the part off-stage,
but can he actually THINK it?

You've only seen him walk on stage,
face the audience and salute.

It's a start...Mind the step! Hmm!
We don't know he's not a drunk.

Oh, I knew a sober actor once...
Oh, good morning, sir!

Good morning.

Is that ours!?What?

Extension 42...
Oh, good morning, Mr Coppard...

Yes, I suppose so.
They're always circulating.

We get them from the typists' pool.
Really?

Oh, I remembered about...Peggy.

She got married, that was it.
Thanks(!)

A Mr Coppard called... Thank you.

What's your name, by the way?
Angela, sir.Good, good.

Nice to have you with us, Angela.
Thank you.

Oh, Angela... Yes, sir?
Er...that's all for now, thank you.

Have they traced him?

Hmm?Have they traced him?

Yes. "Lieutenant Clifton James,
Pay Corps, Leicester."Pay Corps!

Just where you'd expect the Army
to put an actor!

Matthews, I'm still out
on the final balance.

I'll run the old eye over it, sir.

You know, it's a bit of a liberty
putting you here in the first place.

An actor doesn't want to be bothered
with finance... Ah, here it is, sir.

Oh, thanks a lot.
PHONE RINGS

Lt James here... Yes.Oh, James,
we want you for an army film.

Could you say that again, sir?

I said we might be able to use you
in one of our army training films.

I'm coming to Leicester tomorrow.
We could talk then.Your name, sir?

Major Harvey.Major Harvey.
Tomorrow at 12.30?Yes...

Could you tell me anything
about the part, sir?

REPLACES RECEIVER

Hello? ..Hello?

What will you have? Bitter, please.
And a large Scotch. Single only.
We're rationed.Oh.

I've brought some stills. Stills?
Photographs. A good selection, sir.

Mm-hmm...

Is this your sister?
No-o, I was Charlie's Aunt there!
It must've just slipped in.Yes!

Very good. Always wear
the old moustache, do you?I do,

but I'd shave it off
if the part calls for it.Yes, yes.

Let's sit over here.Of course.

I have some cuttings, sir.
Mostly provincial papers,

but I often think the local critics
are tougher than the West End ones!
Yes, I'm sure... Cheers.Cheers.

You don't drink much, do you?

Not much. Now then...
Ever go on the wagon altogether?
I can take it or leave it.

I've often wondered whether actors
NEED a drink on first nights
and the like.

Oh, I'm usually too sick!
You get nervous?

Oh, no, not more than anybody.
Get the old butterflies, you know!

But you're usually in good health?
Yes, touch wood.

Why? Do I look a bit...?No, no.

Films cost a great deal of money.
It's tricky if an actor goes sick

and no understudy.
I've not missed a performance yet.

I know you can't tell me now, sir,
but do you see me in this film?

Well, that's a little bit difficult
to say just at the moment.

We've not finalised the script yet.

Documentary, I suppose.
Broadly speaking, yes.
Is it a large part?

Yes, it'll be a very large part
if it turns out as we want it to.

..Yes.

Good Lord, is that the right time?
I make it a quarter to.

I must dash. I'm between trains.

It's been very nice seeing you.
Will you take these, sir?Oh, yes.

Goodbye.Goodbye, sir... Oh, sir...

I agree about the likeness.
Fantastic!

Ye-es. What now?
Assuming we get the go-ahead.

First, have him posted to HQ Staff
to study Monty at close quarters.

Yes... In that case,
he mustn't look like either Monty
or Clifton James.

We'll disguise him.Within reason.
Doesn't have to be plastic surgery.

Well, let's run through
what we've got so far.

Is he a drunk? ..Wouldn't say so.

But he'd be on his best behaviour.
He smokes.Have to cut that out.

And his hair? That needs fixing.

This is assuming he'll do it.
He will.

Now, you handle the roughing up.
I want to stay in the background.

I've got a suggestion there.

If you take the moustache off,
it'll help a lot.

I'll carve him up so his own mother
won't recognise him.

You stand by for progress reports.
I'm going to the War Office.

It'll take an awful lot of selling.
We'll decide whose head to go over.

All right, driver.

Two lumps for me, please, Angela.
Perhaps you think I'm sweet enough
already?

You do anticipate a man's needs...

I like to do my best, Major,
but we don't possess two teacups.

Oh, thank you... Miss, er...
Baring.

Baring.

Are you with us now?

Yes, Major. Miss Cook has taken
her undoubted talents elsewhere.

I am what is known as
"a permanent replacement". Are you?

Well, that'll be...very nice.
Thank you, Major.

Harvey, I bulldozed them
into approving it in principle
but that doesn't mean a thing.

Hopeless.

I'll have to jump a few places
so keep by the phone.

Oh, by the way, we've a new girl.

She's very efficient.
Yes, thanks very much...
LOGAN HANGS UP

MARVELLOUS, Miss B ! An egg, too!

They're still being laid, Major(!)
Any word from the Colonel?
No, not yet.

Expect he's laying a few himself!

..Er, you might get onto Records
and ask for information on Monty...
That's already been seen to, Major.

They're being sent round. Meanwhile,
here's the material on Lt James.

Thanks. Who gave it that heading?
I did, Major. Just a suggestion.

"Operation Hambone."
Mm, I like it, Miss B.

PHONE RINGS

Extension 43... One moment, Colonel.

It's for you, sir.

Thank you.

Any joy!? ..You HAVE?
How did you manage it?

I finally got to the right man.
Great. Now, you get some sleep.
I'll take it from here.

Goodbye.

Miss B!

It's on the menu.What is?

Your hambone!
Get onto Pay Corps, Leicester.

KNOCK ON DOOR
Yes?

Sir? What's the explanation, James?
The mistake...

It was in the transfer account...
What?

I want to know how this character...
Harvey, is it? ..contacted you.
Sorry, sir?

I've just had a call from
the Army Kinematograph Unit,

asking me to grant you 7 days'
unofficial leave for a film test.

Now do you follow me? Oh, that, sir.

Coming back to you now, is it?
Yes, sir.

I thought no more of it.
You want to forget you're an actor
and put away that bloody motley.

Yes, sir.I don't like films,
I don't like actors,

most of all, War Office actors.

7 days is 7 days
and you'll be back on the dot
or I'll throw the book at you.

Yes, sir.That's all.

C-can I put in for
a railway warrant, sir?

Ask the CSM. Yes, sir.

I'm surprised they're not sending
a car. That's usual, isn't it,
with film stars(?)

Would you wait in here, please?
Thank you.

Well, he's an ACTOR all right!
Shall I break it to him?

I suppose so.

That's the worst part
of all these schemes.

The time always comes when someone
has to be let in on the secret.

All right, go ahead.

Hello, James!

How are you?Fine, thank you, sir.

Good. Do sit down.Thank you.

Well, how are the old nerves?

Not too bad.Good, cos I've got
some rather odd news for you.

You're not going to make that film.
Oh, I see.

But we're going to offer you
the best part you'll ever have.

First, I want you to read this.

It's from the Official Secrets Act.
That's the part that matters.

When you've read it,
please sign it.

Finished?Yes. Have I done
anything wrong anywhere?

No, just a formality
for what's next.

If I thought
you were really a security risk,
you wouldn't be here.

I know where you went to school,
who your friends are, what books
you read, the lot. Really?

I suppose I owe you an apology.

I'm nothing to do with Army Films.

I'm an Intelligence Officer;
you've been recruited.What as,

A very big noise. You may not be
God's gift to the theatre,

but we need your talent very badly.

You look like Monty.
Oh, that was just a gag!

It's paying off. You'll act
as Monty's double before D-Day.

Don't look so shattered!

This time, you're going to
play it straight,

and to a much bigger audience.
It's fantastic!

So fantastic it's going to work!

Between us,
we're going to trick the Germans
and save a lot of lives.

You won't get those in the job.
Monty doesn't use them.
That goes for drink, too.

I...I don't know what to say!

From now on, you don't exist
as Lt James of the Pay Corps.

You mustn't contact anybody.
You'll live and sleep here.

And we've taken care of
the Adjutant. Major...

Yes?Do I have to do it?

What do you mean?
Well, is it an order?

No, I can't say that it's an order
exactly. What are you getting at?

I can't stay! I'm expected home.
You want to do it?

I don't know.
It's quite a thing to decide.

I haven't played many big parts.

I've understudied a few, of course,
but that's completely different.

Well, James, it's up to you.
I'll have to think about it!

Well, what have you to think about?
Absolute gift to any actor.

My name's Logan. How do you do?
Sir, I'd no idea...
You did very well. Sit down, James.

This is a big opportunity for you.
You'll do it standing on your head!

That night in the theatre,
the audience were totally fooled!

Most actors would give their right
arm for a chance like this.Yes...

Hmm, I think it's rather good.

Quite the dashing juvenile!
Sit down, Jimmy!What?

Hope we can get it back in time.
Now for the hair...

You're not going to shave my head?
No, no. Look...

It'll take years off you.

All set, Miss B? I think so, Major.
Here you are, Jimmy. Get this on.

It's a bit tight under the arms.
It's not meant to fit! Marvellous.

It's like being in the Boer War.
You'll be fine tomorrow.Tomorrow!?

From midnight, you're on Monty's
personal staff. Does he know?Yes!

Remember, watch him like a hawk -
the way he walks, mannerisms...

I know all about understudying.
Look at this coat. It's hopeless.

Yes... Your documents, Corporal.
Walker! She's talking to you!

Keep him at it, Miss B.AB 64,
HQ Permit, railway warrant
and movement order. Portsmouth?

That's where Monty is.
You're on the 11.30 from Waterloo.

11.30 ? Car's laid on, Major,
and I've had travel rations made up.
Don't forget this! Who'll meet me?

Dawson. Colonel Dawson.Dawson.
I'm worried about the time, Major.

Jimmy! Good luck!
See you when you get back.

Dalton? Dawson!Oh, yes, Dawson.
I'll be back in a moment, Major.

BUGLE SOUNDS REVEILLE

LOUD CLANGING

Come on, lads.
Feet on the floor!

Hey, you! Out of it!

What's going on, you clumsy cl...?
Yes. Go on.

Nothing, Sergeant.You the new boy?

Yes, Sergeant.
Then learn to get up!

Yes, Sergeant.
What are you staring at?

Be washed, shaved
and shined in 10 minutes!

You ought to get a mention
in dispatches, Corp!

Did you see his face?

Drivers, atten-SHUN!

Drivers ready
for your inspection, SIR!

Drivers, dis-MISS!

Corporal Walker? Sir.

You'll be driving me today.
That Humber over there. Yes, sir.

My name's Dawson. Stay close to
the General but be discreet.
Yes, sir.

Right, Corporal, let's go.
STARTS CAR WITH DIFFICULTY

Come on, man!

What's your game, Corp?

Watch it!

GUNFIRE AND MEN SHOUTING

Well done, Walker!

'Ere, you trying to land us in it?
Pardon?

All this polishing lark.
Now turn it up or we'll do ya!

Even if you can't impersonate him,
at least you'll be fit!

Knock next time!
I DID knock... Cloth-ears!

This has just arrived, Colonel.
Oh, thank you, Miss, um...

Ah, they've given us the itinerary.
First stop Gibraltar, then Algiers.

Do they mention a date?
Yes. You leave a week today.

They've bought it with a vengeance.
KNOCK >

Excuse me, Colonel.
Lt James is back. Show him in.

Hello, Jimmy. Bet you weren't sorry
to say goodbye to Corporal Walker!

Dawson told us they gave you
a rough time.It wasn't too bad.

And Monty?
I studied him thoroughly. And...
I don't know if it's going to work.

Imitating his voice
and mannerisms...

They're tricks. I can do them.
It's the actual personality.

That'll come, too.I don't know.

I've watched him close to,
seen the effect he has on people.

You'll learn to do it
just like any other part.

After Charlie's Aunt,
Monty'll be a cakewalk!

Looking like him isn't enough.

I've never COMMANDED!
You won't have to!

But the ability has to be there!

Don't you see?Now, listen, James.

I would never have asked you to do
this if I didn't have confidence
in your acting, so stop worrying.

I'd like to do it, but that doesn't
mean I'd be any good at it!

You'd better go and change anyway.

I had to say it, didn't I?

Yes, that's all right, Jimmy.

DOOR CLOSES

Well, I suppose that's better
than being over-confident.Is it?

We haven't time. I'll get him back.
Keep him working night and day.

Don't give him time to think.
Let's give him a short breather!
No, start straightaway.

That's the way to tackle it.

..which is about to begin will be
one of the most important battles
in English history.Go on, Jimmy!

All that is necessary is that...
Oh, it's TERRIBLE ! It's fine!

Now, what school did you go to
when you were 14 ? St Pauls.Good.
You were captain of...? Rugby.Mmm.

Do you mind?Sorry.
Favourite books? The Bible and...
Pilgrim's Progress.

See? Typical stance. He uses it
when he's listening to people.

Now, work on that one, Jimmy.

Rank at the end of World War I ?
Captain. No.Lieutenant Colonel?

I shall get indigestion.
That's out. Monty doesn't suffer!

Right, Jimmy, that's the aircraft,

line of officers -
Navy, Army, Air Force.

Now...Let's rehearse
the arrival at Gibraltar first.

Point one - the Governor will send
his ADC, Tennant, to the airport.

Tennant.Two - you'll be met by
the Garrison Commander, an Admiral.

Point three - don't rush it.
But who else'll be there?

We've got a list.
There's one man in particular...

Carlton, Lt Colonel.That's him.

He served with you in South Eastern
Command.

How will I recognise him?
He'll be presented.Try it.

Miss B, you're Colonel Carlton.

Stand to attention. Now...all set?

The plane has just stopped,
the guard presents arms,
out you come, Jimmy.

Salute...Good.

I'm the Admiral now. Welcome to
Gibraltar, sir.Glad to be back.

Major Tennant?
Sir. Good trip, sir?
Very smooth.This way, sir.

This is my Chief of Staff,
Captain Knolls;

Commander Baker, Colonel Carlton.
Oh, nice to see you again, Carlton.

Thank you, General. Bit warmer than
when we last met.Yes... Oh, sorry.

Don't apologise! If you do that
on the day - God forbid -
just give him a look!

All right, Jimmy.
Relax for five minutes.

Harvey, I'd like a word with you.

(I mean, FANCY apologising!

(If he's only progressed that far,
well...he just hasn't got it,
has he?) Just nerves.

I told them we were ready
this morning. We're obviously not.

If we send him off like this,
he won't get out of the plane.
Don't let's panic.

I've got a vague idea.

It IS lit.
You know, you're in a bad way.

Come to your office.
This may work...

Can't you tell me
where we're going?

Jimmy, you trust me, don't you?
Well, of COURSE I do. Why?

And yet you won't believe me
when I tell you that you can
do this show.

Well, I'm taking you to see someone
who's going to convince you.

The only person who really can...

Monty!

Will you say that again?
Monty's sent for you.

He has confidence in you.
He wants to tell you, face to face.

He sent for ME?!Yes.
He has the authority, you know(!)

ORDERS SHOUTED IN DISTANCE

Thank you, sir.

All right, Jimmy?

He's only flesh and blood,
you know.

MONTY:
Come in.

What a wonderful evening!
I feel relaxed for the first time
in ages!

Good, isn't it, Logie?Yes!
Fit for anything, Jimmy?Indeed.

Good...because this is it.
You're leaving tonight.TONIGHT!?

Relax, Jimmy, you've got an hour.
An hour! We'll never make it!
We will !

This feels a bit big.
Nonsense! It fits like one of mine!
Here's the Major.

Miss B ?Sorry, "Brigadier!"

I want a gold chain, please.
You've got a wristwatch!

Monty always has a gold chain here!
I've got a gold bangle in my bag...

We've handkerchiefs with Monty's
initials. Want me to drop them?
He's got it!

There's a key on one end
and a penknife on the other!
Almost time.I'll check outside.

Now, Jimmy, Monty said, "If James
is good enough to wear my uniform,
he's good enough to draw my pay!"

How kind of him!
How much does he get?

I don't know!
You were in the Pay Corps!

I've brought a little something...
to speed the parting guest!
I should've thought of that!

Hey, Miss B ! What's going on?
Vodka. No trace on the breath!

Marvellous! Jimmy... Logie...

Miss B's favourite tipple.
Well, cheers, everyone. Cheers.

Doz vidania. Russian, you know.
Polish, actually.

It's delicious, isn't it!?
Well...let's say our goodbyes here.

Good luck, General.
Thank you, Miss B.

Good luck, Brigadier. Take care.
Of course. I'm all I've got!

Come on.

Come on, Hester.
Let's go and polish off that vodka.

TYRES SCREECH

How are you feeling?All right.

Don't worry, Jimmy. They're feeling
much more nervous than you are.

(OK.)

(You're on!)

(Jimmy... You're ON!)

< Guard of Honour...present...

..ARMS !

Sir. Lucky you got here
in one of those! Oh, I think
they're here to stay!

Do you know Harvey?How do you do?
Sir.Major Tennant, sir.

Smooth trip, sir? No trouble at all.

(I say...)

My Chief of Staff, Capt Morton.

My Secretary, Commander Hicks.

Capt Brand...

Colonel Carlton...Major Evans...
You, er, know Colonel Carlton, sir.

Oh, yes, Carlton!
Nice to see you again, Carlton!

Thank you, General. We've lost
a few enemies since we last met.
Yes, sir. We'll save some for you.

I hope so, sir. Good!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Tennant.Sir?

Open a window. Someone's been
smoking in here!Yes, sir.

ORDER TO PRESENT ARMS

BUGLE SOUNDS

BUGLE STOPS

Hello, Monty. Good to see you again.
Rusty. Looking very fit...Yes...

You too. Have a good trip? Indeed.
Fine weather all the way.

Shan't need you for some time,
Sergeant, but stick around.Sir.

Sir!

Excuse me, sir.
I found this on the airfield.

Very observant, Lieutenant.

I simply can't get over it!
It's really staggering!

I'm glad you think I look the part,
sir.And did I sound all right?
Yes, of course!Really?

I was very nervous! Cigarette?
Quite out of character, sir.

Oh, of course, I forgot!
Mustn't make a slip like that again!

Well, then...

KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.

Brigadier Harvey, sir.
How do you do? How do you do, sir?

Tennant, show the General
to his quarters. Thank you, Rusty.

The General's looking fit, sir!

DOOR CLOSES
You know, it's quite extraordinary!

I've known Monty for years! I know
how you feel.I shall dine out
on this after the war. Sit down.

What's the form? Now we've got Monty
here, sir, we'd like the rumours
to start.They started days ago!

The quicker they get to Berlin
the better, sir. If you could, er,
think of any short-cuts, sir.

Mm. Well, let me think...

I wonder... My Rogues' Gallery
might give you a lead. Right, sir.

More enemy agents on the Rock
than there are monkeys!
I hope they're tame, sir!Oh, yes!

We've got them all on a chain.

Here they are.

Carl Nielson.

Jolly useful bloke.
Quicker than phoning Berlin!

Could you stretch a point,
and invite him to Government House?
Easily. He dines here quite often.

How long since his last visit?
About a fortnight ago.

Perhaps it's time he made
another call, sir...Yes.

Not a bad idea.

Get me Mr Carl Nielson.

Is it him?Just arrived. Oh, Lord!
Relax. You'll do it on your head!

Speaking without thinking is like
shooting without aiming. Right.

Please treat our dinner party
in the strictest confidence.
You intrigue me.

A VIP is staying here, on his way
to a top-secret rendezvous.

But in view of our friendship,
I felt I might relax security.

Who is it?
General Montgomery.

It'll be delightful
to see him again.

Our last meeting
was most stimulating.

Monty, a good friend of ours.
Mr Carl Nielson, General Montgomery.
Delighted, Mr Nielson.

I am honoured, General.
< Harvey.

How do you do?

You and Carl have met before, Monty.

< Carl, a drink? Sherry?

Thank you, sir.
Some of your delicious Fino.

Harvey? No, thank you.
And you, sir?

Er...whisky.
Right, sir. >

..I thought I recognised you
the moment you came in, Mr Nielson.

Didn't connect the name
at first, though.

I'm flattered.
I was a humble citizen then.

Oh, I don't often forget a face.
Just trying to place where it was.

Sir.
Thank you.

Well, cheers. Cheers.

Your health. General.

Remember the Skoffe Gun?

We had quite a chat about it.

Oh, yes, the Skoffe Gun!

I tried to get the War Office
to test it, you may remember.
Did you, sir? ..Oh, yes.

Of course, in 1938,
there was a lot of sales resistance
in certain countries!

Yes, I hope I didn't seem...
disinterested.
You were very polite.

It was I who was rude, trying to
combine business with pleasure.

A Royal Garden Party
isn't a place to sell guns!

No...quite so! Happier days then.

Let's hope they come back soon!

Well, both of you have come up
a few places since then.

Carl's very influential,
and far from neutral
where we're concerned!

Oh, shall we go in? Right.

CARL: General, do you think
the war's going to last much longer?

English history is littered with
Generals who guessed wrongly!

But an end is in sight?
An end is always in sight.

Trouble is, the enemy gets
in the way!

Yes, these thousand bomber raids
must be having a devastating effect.

Hit them for six
with all you've got, I always say!

Come on, don't smoke your own!
These are special.

General?
I don't use them, I'm afraid,

but don't let me stop anybody else.

These are rare.
You must have a contact, Carl!

Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'll turn in.

I have some paperwork to do.
Of course, Monty.

You shouldn't be
such a good talker!

Oh, General... One last favour.

Surely. What is it?

My youngster would love
an autograph. Of course. Delighted.

I think we can do better than that
for the young man. Excuse me.

Well, I don't know
what Harvey's got up his sleeve

but he'll take care of your boy.
He collects autographs, does he?

Yes, he's very keen.

I got him Churchill's.
Yes? I used to collect stamps...

Never kept it up.
One should never neglect a hobby.

I hope you don't mind, sir.
I remembered we had one of these.

No, I have a pen, thank you, sir.

Oh, thank you.
My boy will be thrilled!

Goodnight, General.
Goodnight, Mr Nielson.

Goodnight, Brigadier. Goodnight.

Thank you, Your Excellency.
It's been a memorable evening.

SIGHS OF RELIEF

You saved the day then, all right!

What about your ruddy Skoffe Gun?
I was ready to run!

Do you think he bought it?
I don't know.

He's a pretty smooth customer.

Come on, Jimmy.
You deserve a good night's rest.

We've got an early start tomorrow.

BELL RINGS

Sir, just had a radio message.
A few German fighters milling about.

Routine. They have been engaged.
Good. Thank you, Flight Lieutenant.

They've got a good day for it.
Yes, sir!

Hey, skipper, we're in luck.
You don't have to tell me.

Bandits are heading for home!
On the level?

Yes. Panic over. We're now taking
reservations for dinner!
Good.

Bit of a false alarm, sir.
It's all clear now. Glad to hear it.

Tell me - is that anything
to worry about?Excuse me, sir.

What's that, sir? ..That!

I'll just check, sir.

Something's coming in, Skip!

Think he wants to know, Skipper?

The clot's turning in.

GUNFIRE

GUNFIRE

He's still coming on!

I haven't got the speed!

He can't pull out!

He's not going to make it!

Well, it proves one thing, Berlin's
swallowed the bait all right.

That's what we want, isn't it?
Yes, 'fraid it is.

PLANE OVERHEAD

Here you are, sir.

(OK?)

Ready for Act II?Fit for anything.

Just follow me, Harvey,
and you won't get hurt!

All right now, guys.
Your job is to escort
General Montgomery to Allied HQ.

Enemy agents
are looking out for him,

and if anything should happen
to the General, every one of you
will be court-martialled.

Squad...SHUN!

Hello, sir. This way, sir.

Squad, fall out
on the DOUBLE!

WHISTLE BLOWS

SIRENS BLARE

What's going on, Corporal?

Don't worry, sir.
Safety precautions.

That was quite a ride
your chaps gave me!

Sorry, sir.
We couldn't take any chances!

OFFICER: Attention!

Excuse me, sir. This way.

< Carry on!

There you are!
They told me the plane had got in.

Have trouble with Customs(?)

He's pleased to see us.
You can tell! How are you, sir?

Run out of cigarettes (?)
No, have one...

WITH AUTHORITY:
Not in front of me, Logan!Right!

Both flushed with success, I see?
Dangerous state of mind. Sit down.

I suppose you've come to tell us
they've called it off!The reverse.

It's going over big. It IS?
Bigger than anyone ever expected.

I've been sent to broaden things
further.

Hope you're both fit.
What for?

Whistle-stop tour of North Africa,
inspecting troops...the lot.

Jerry will really believe
something's up! When do we start?
Tonight.

But we could do with a breather!
Too bad!

Monty's due to address a meeting
of Staff Officers here in 2 hours.

Have I got to say all this!?Yes.
The Allied Forces will be present,
what's more, the Americans,

so a wrong word could be
politically explosive, as well.
Great(!)

No deviations...
But this is a three act play!

OK... Hey, Mac!
No smokin'!

Hmm?
Orders from the General.

Very good house. I should think so.
Nobody's paid!Cosmopolitan bunch!

I've seen a couple that look like
security risks. Me too.Really?

British Colonel, wearing
his Sam Browne belt the wrong way.
Keep an eye on him.

Where...?

Right! Can we have your attention?
This meeting is top secret.

Our distinguished visitor is here
for an obvious reason.

Let's keep that reason
in the family.

I needn't introduce him by name,

because you're all going to find
his face VERY familiar. That's all.

Yeah, yeah... Let's take off(!)

APPLAUSE

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Can you all hear me?No.

Very well. I'll speak up, then.

How's THAT?

We all have a pretty good idea...
why we're gathered here today.

Soon, we'll be sending
invitations...

,,to a party...

to a party we're going to throw...

These invitations

are going out on a large scale.

A VERY large scale.

(We have the finest men...)

Can you all hear me clearly!?

..Seeing your faces...
reminds me of some of the stories

that were going the rounds.
What's all this?He's forgotten
his lines!

One of them was
that it took no time at all
to train an American army,

as they were only going one way!

Another - the English would fight
the last American!

..I agree with you.
They're rotten stories

and I'm delighted you didn't laugh.

They imply
we're on different sides.

We're not! We're in the same war

and we're in it together
to the finish!Hear, hear!

We may have different uniforms
and different pay,

and that applies right
the way to the top!

I can speak with some authority!

I see that found it's mark!

We can't expect you
to understand cricket,

and of course
baseball remains to us
one of the unexplained mysteries!

An American colleague once asked
if I'd seen a certain pitcher...

I thought he was asking me
about a new film!

That sort of thing could lead to
an international incident

because we both take our sport
more seriously than we do war!

But, whatever our material
differences,

we share one common belief,

and that is that freedom
is worth fighting for.

Hear, hear!

I hope you get to the party,
and that you live to talk about it.

The invitations
mustn't go out again!

As you would say,
let's make it Heaven,
Hell or Hoboken by Christmas!

Thank you and God bless you all !

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

MORE CHEERING

How much further, Sarge?
We'll be back at Headquarters
within the hour, sir.Good.

SHOUTS
Keep going, Sergeant!

Well, it WAS a mine.
Planted or merely a stray,
we'll never know.

Anyway, that's beside the point.

As far as you're concerned, Jimmy,
the show is virtually over.

Over? Is that official?

It's to be confirmed by London
but, barring the shouting, yes.

And what then?
We're putting you into solitary

but you'll have Harvey for company.
And after that?

Back to Corporal Walker.

A troop ship from Alex.
and home via the back door.
Then the Pay Corps?

Ah, well...always open to offers.

At least I shan't have to
pay anyone 10%! Hm!

OK, Jimmy, I'll drive you up, eh?

Goodbye, sir.

Cheerio.

That's the place, Jimmy.

You'll never know there's a war on.

Thank you, sir.
Open up!

MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

THEY MUMBLE IN FRENCH

I thought there was something odd.

This ruddy thing's three months old!

Just about suits my mood.

Any news from HQ?

Nothing official.

Do you know something?Yes.

I don't see why I can't tell you.

The old man got definite word
through today.

The Germans have held back
60,000 men and one Panzer Division.
Because of us?Because of you!

Not bad for an amateur!

Right.

Second relief...take POST!

Message from HQ for Brigadier Harvey.

Very good, sir!

Guard Commander! >

Excuse me, sir. A message for
the Brigadier. Thank you, Adams.

It was brought up
from the gate, sir.

All right, thank you.Sir.

Anything important? Don't know.
The old man wants me in town.Fine.

You'll be all right, eh?
I won't stir.Don't relax too much.
He might've thought up an epilogue!

Can I get you anything, sir?

NO, thank you, Sergeant!
Very good, sir.

Adams! Sir.I expect you're
surprised finding me like this.

No, sir. I get
all the confidential jobs, sir.

Adams' cooking's not so hot,
but his security's 100%!

If that's so, perhaps Security
wouldn't mind if you had a drink
with me.Thank you, sir.

Where will I find Colonel Logan?
You might try the Officers' Mess.

Did he leave a message for me -
Brigadier Harvey? No, sir.Thanks.

Hi, there! Let me buy you a drink.
Seen Logan? I'm to meet him.
You'll have a long wait! Is he out?

No... He got himself slightly cut
but, boy, can he hold it!

I put him to bed about an hour ago.
Did he mention sending for me?

I got a message up at the villa.
No, he never mentioned it.

Hey! Something wrong?

Operator? Get me Jupiter four zero.
What's going on!?

..What?

Are you quite sure?
..Well, keep trying.

The line's dead. Now, look...
tell Logan exactly what I told you.

I'm going back to the villa.

Hey, you! Sir?Get in this car!

But I've just come off duty, sir!
Well, I've just put you on again!
Could I...? Get in!

MUSIC PLAYS

Remember that?
Remember it? I was in it!

YOU were a pro!?Only one thing
stopped me from having a great
musical comedy career... Talent!

(Vorwaerts, vorwaerts.)

Whatever we find when we get there,
keep your mouth shut.Right, sir.

What's your name, by the way?

Butterfield, sir.

FAINT GROAN

Bill!?

(Ueber die Mauer.)

< RUSTLE

Uuuugh!

FROM INDOORS: Close that door, Jim!

NEEDLE STICKS

Good thing that didn't happen
the night you appeared!Oh, yes.

Would you care to see some of
my old press cuttings, sir? I would.

I'll get them.

RECORD IS PLAYING AGAIN

(Shouldn't there be a guard, sir?
Shut up!)

You will be treated
as in International Law. >

He wishes to interrogate you.
I will answer only two questions -

my name...and my rank.

Er sagte...

Sie werden einen alten Freund
treffen. Sein Name ist Rommel.

You will soon meet
an old friend of yours -

Feldmarschall Rommel.

COLONEL: Los! Macht fertig. Wir
fahren in ein paar Minuten ab.

Ruhig!

DOG WHINES

Schmeiss ihn raus.

DOG SQUEALS

(Get away! Get away!)

DOG BARKS

(Come on!)

DOG BARKS
Der verfluchte Kroete!

Sie sind halbwegs hier.

Bringt den General!

(OK!)

Sie sind fast da!
Also wegmarschiert!

They're leaving. Make for the open
beach - we want clear targets.

They're coming, sir. How many?
About half a dozen. Right.

Better get started.

DOG BARKS EXCITEDLY

When I shout, hit the deck.
Yes, sir.

Sie sind nur zwei.
Ich gehe mit dem General Voran.

They may spot our uniforms, sir.
Possible.

They're...getting very close, sir.
They're getting bloody close.

Wait...for the word...

JIMMY!

Is he dead?

No, his heart's beating
like a sledgehammer.

Better late than never, I suppose.

GUNFIRE

COMMENTATOR:
'D-Day plus one.

'Under constant sea and air support,
the build-up goes on.

'From hundreds of landing craft,
waves of troops pour ashore.

'The beach-head
is being consolidated,

'and German defences
continue to crumble.

'The troops on the beach were
confronted by a familiar figure.

'General Montgomery was there
to see for himself.'

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Watch it! Who do you think you are?

Yes, who do you think you are -
Monty!? Oh, I say!